It’s NEVER About The Money… even when it is How To Untangle Your Emotions From Your Money Pegi BurdickTHE FINANCIAL WHISPERER® Revised edition 2016
It’s NEVER About The Money… Even When It Is What are you protesting todaythat’s not your fault?Depression:Anger Turned InwardDepression is the ultimate “drug” forremoval from the moment. It takesus out of the line of fire by makingus act emotionally dead and lifeless.We become a spectator. It is a subtle form of manipulation— being physically present and emo-tionally absent. It can even invite astrong negative response from thosearound the depressed person. Onehears such comments as, “Time toget going!” “Move on.” “Snap out ofit!” “Stop acting so grumpy.” Or, 18
Where Are You Now?“Slow down! Why can’t you maketime for (fill in the blank)?” The common definition of depres-sion is anger turned inward. Why dowe use it? Where does the angercome from, and how do we changethat way of expressing ourselves? There are many ways one can ex-press depression, but the underlyingconsistent root is separating onefrom one’s authentic self, which, inmany cases, is due to acute pain andfear — all statements of a misper-ceived lack of power. People have choices in which modethey show up — which costume fitstheir need to stay in the shadows.Some people pick weight, otherschoose debt, drugs or depression — 19
It’s NEVER About The Money… Even When It Isand the list gets longer. Some with-draw and appear lifeless, helplessand without effect. They cannot getout of bed or off the sofa; they feelpowerless and trapped. Or they canbe overly busy, always in motion.They are angry but cannot identifytheir anger. Depression is a defensemechanism. Addiction is a form ofdepression. 20
Where Are You Now? When we use a secondary form of expression — such as debt, food, alcohol, mis- spending, or chaos — we create a smokescreen that takes on its own life. It’s a form of denial that dis- tracts the outside world. Whatever form of expres- sion we choose can create shame, which separates us from our authentic self. Accepting the fact that anger sitsunderneath depression, it is im-portant to understand where the an-ger comes from. Not getting our 21
It’s NEVER About The Money… Even When It Isneeds met as very young children in-itiates the assumption that we arenot worthy of love. Where our lives go from that veryearly message is the explanation forour current negative behaviors. De-pression is a fear-based expression— fear of being seen for how we re-ally feel, who we really are. We werewarned early on in our childhoodsthat we needed to conform in orderto survive. As a result, we isolatedourselves in order to protect our truefeelings — our identities. Alice Miller writes, in The Dramaof the Gifted Child,7 “…the true oppo-site of depression is neither gaiety7 Miller, Alice. The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the TrueSelf. New York, NY: Basic Books, 1997. 22
Where Are You Now?nor absence of pain, but vitality —the freedom to experience spontane-ous feelings, which is crucially im-portant for us if we want to livewithout depression and addiction.” In medical journals, articles bypsychologists abound with debatesas to whether depression is a chem-ical or environmental issue. There isno question that certain drugs willalter one’s mood, but in some casesdrugs will disguise the underlyingsource and make managing the mo-ment ahead easier. One out of fiveAmericans takes some sort of medi-cation to manage stress, to regulatemoods, to cope better. We are a society that does what iseasy — taking a diet pill is easier 23
It’s NEVER About The Money… Even When It Isthan dealing with the underlying is-sues of why we eat out of control;taking a sleeping pill is easier thantaking the time to understand ouradrenal system and hormones; tak-ing a mood elevator in some casesjust pushes away dealing with theintense inner pain that needs to beacknowledged. The key to prevent depres- sion is to own your power by building self-awareness. When we are depressed, fear andanger own us. As adults, we actuallyhave choices that we lacked as chil-dren. 24
Where Are You Now? I have had many clients whostruggle with isolation, which isfueled by shame, which in turn,looks like depression. Many of themhad the same retreat mode: stay inbed, on the sofa. Work longer officehours. Do more pushups, run moreerrands. They do anything and eve-rything to avoid feeling the underly-ing issue.VanessaVanessa was the oldest of two chil-dren and the only girl. She was animage consultant working with For-tune 500 companies, training in-coming staff on their appearances,appropriate dress, and behavior con-ducive to a professional atmosphere. 25
It’s NEVER About The Money… Even When It Is No one would ever guess that herpersonal behavior at home lackedpolish and boundaries. For her,working was her only real connec-tion with the outside world. She wasa functioning depressed person; herrelationship with her brother suf-fered constant friction — her parentscontinued to infantilize him throughadulthood. This behavior on theirpart continued siphoning off atten-tion that she had needed as a childand, as an adult, would never expe-rience. Her parents’ subtle messageto her was: “Your brother’s needs aremore important than yours.” Every session always came backto her suppressed anger; how it gotdisplayed in subtle actions during 26
Where Are You Now?her day, and not-so-subtle behaviorswhen she left her office. Our con-stant tying of her feelings of depres-sion to her anger helped her identifyher trigger-points so she could man-age the moment better. By learning a new vocabulary, shedeveloped tools to identify what wasactually going on in the moment,thereby giving her the power tochoose a behavior that would serveher best.How Does Depression Connectto Money?Vanessa’s primary financial issuewas careless spending, but it did notgo over the edge. She just felt noth-ing, deadness. No joy in a new item, 27
It’s NEVER About The Money… Even When It Isalways wearing the same basic styleday after day, never allowing herselfto experience something new. Shenever felt connected to what she waspurchasing, as if it would be a state-ment of lack of control. Basically,she simply made herself numb. Her challenge, as it is for us all,was to live in the present moment,completely. She had to give herselfpermission to feel that whatever wasgoing on was legitimate for her andthen choose how to react. Her journey to become more pre-sent started with creating plans andkeeping commitments to herself. Itwas the beginning of her healing.She is finally being heard now as anadult and is able to express her 28
Where Are You Now?needs without fear of recrimination,which has reduced isolation andshame. She is on her way. How aboutyou? Have you strapped on your toolbelt and laced up your hiking boots?Addiction: Our Default ButtonIt has become commonplace that the word‘addiction’ is used as often as Gesundheit. And it has become almost a condonedbehavior, that when people march off to 29
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