["some\tproblematic\tsexual\tbehavior. If\tyou\tanswered\tanything\tbut\t\\\"A\\\"\ton\tany\tof\tthe\tquestions,\tyou\thave\tsexual shame\tand\tfear.\tRead\ton. \t ***************************** Lyle,\tintroduced\tearlier\tin\tthe\tchapter,\tis\ta\tgood\texample\tof\thow\trecovering\tNice Guys\tcan\tbring\ttheir\tsexual\tshame\tand\tfear\tout\tof\tthe\tcloset.\tLyle\twas\ta\tgood Christian,\thusband,\tand\tfather\twho\tstruggled\twith\tcompulsive\tsexual\tbehavior. Everything\tcame\tcrashing\tdown\tfor\tLyle\twhen\this\twife\tfound\ta\tphone\tbill\tand called\tsome\tof\tthe\tstrange\tnumbers.\tShe\twas\tbewildered\tand\tdevastated.\tNever in\ther\twildest\tdreams\t(or\tnightmares)\tdid\tshe\tthink\tthat\tLyle\tmight\tbe\tinvolved in\tanything\tlike\tpornography\tor\tphone\tsex.\tLittle\tdid\tshe\tknow\tshe\thad\tjust discovered\tthe\ttip\tof\tthe\ticeberg.\tConfronted\twith\tthe\tevidence,\tLyle\tinitially feigned\tsurprise\tand\tdenied\tany\tknowledge\tof\tits\torigin.\tFinally,\the\tbroke\tdown and\ttold\tall.\tWell,\talmost\tall.\tIt\ttook\tseveral\tmore\tweeks,\tseveral\tmore\temotional confrontations,\tand\ta\tcall\tto\tme\tbefore\teverything\tcame\tout. After\ta\tcouple\tof\tsessions\tof\tindividual\ttherapy,\tI\tsuggested\tthat\tLyle\tstart attending\ta\t12-step\tgroup\tfor\tsexual\taddicts.\tThis\tidea\tinitially\tterrified\tLyle,\tbut he\tknew\the\twould\thave\tto\tdo\tsomething\tradically\tdifferent\tif\the\twanted\tto\tfree himself\tof\this\tcompulsion\tand\texperience\ttrue\tsexual\tintimacy.\tTo\this\tsurprise, revealing\this\tlong-kept\tsecrets\tin\tthe\tpresence\tof\tother\trecovering\tsex\taddicts wasn't\tas\tdifficult\tas\the\tfeared.\tIn\ttime,\the\tbegan\tto\tlook\tforward\tto\tthe opportunity\tto\ttalk\tabout\thimself\twith\tsafe\tpeople. Every\ttime\the\trevealed\tsome\tsecret\tthought\tor\tact,\the\tfelt\ta\tsense\tof\trelief,\tas\tif\ta weight\thad\tbeen\tlifted\tfrom\this\tshoulders. As\tLyle\trevealed\this\tfear\tand\tshame\tto\tsafe\tpeople,\the\tfound\tthat\the\twas\tless interested\tin\this\thidden,\tcompulsive\tbehaviors.\tAs\the\tand\this\twife\tbecame\tmore open\tand\tintimate\twith\teach\tother,\the\talso\tbegan\tto\tenjoy\ta\tphysical\tcloseness with\ther\tthat\the\thad\tonce\ttried\tto\tavoid.\tWhen\tLyle\tcame\tout\tof\tthe\tcloset,\the","began\tto\theal\ta\tlifetime\tof\thidden\tsexual\tbehavior. In\tmy\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tgroups\tI\tencourage\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tto bring\ttheir\tsexual\tshame\tout\tof\tthe\tcloset.\tI\tsupport\tthem\tin\ttalking\texplicitly about\ttheir\tsexuality.\tIn\tour\tculture,\tmost\tsex\ttalk\tis\tdone\tin\tpornographic, demeaning,\tmoralizing,\tshaming,\tclinical,\tor\tjoking\tways.\tI\tinvite\trecovering Nice\tGuys\tto\treveal\tthe\tways\tthey\tact\tout.\tI\thave\tthem\ttalk\tabout\ttheir\tsexual history\tand\tearly\tsexual\texperiences.\tI\task\tthem\tto\tbring\tsamples\tof\tpornography they\tfind\tarousing.\tThis\tis\tanother\tway\tof\treleasing\tshame\twhile\talso\tgaining important\tinformation. Throughout\tthe\tentire\tprocess\tof\trevealing\tthemselves,\tI\tencourage\trecovering Nice\tGuys\tto\texperience\twhatever\tthey\tmay\tbe\tfeeling\t\u2014\tshame,\tguilt,\tfear, arousal.\tAt\tthe\tsame\ttime,\tI\tgive\tthem\tsupportive\tmessages\tthat\twhat\tthey\tare feeling\tis\tOK.\tThere\tare\tso\tmany\tnegative\tmessages\tin\tour\tsociety\tabout\tmale sexuality,\tit\tis\tdifficult\tfor\tNice\tGuys\tto\tovercome\ttheir\tconditioning\twithout\tthis kind\tof\tencouragement\tand\tsupport. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#37 Find\ta\tsafe\tplace\tto\ttalk\tabout\tthe\tfollowing\tissues: Your\tsexual\thistory\t:\tEarliest\tsexual\tmemory,\tchildhood\texperiences,\tsexual violation\tand\ttrauma,\tsexual\tissues\tin\tyour\tfamily,\tfirst\tsexual\texperience, adult\tsexual\thistory. Ways\tin\twhich\tyou\thave\tacted\tout\tsexually\t:\tAffairs,\tprostitution,\tpeep\tshows, 900\tnumbers,\tuse\tof\tpornography,\texhibitionism,\tfetishes,\tetc. Your\tdark\tside\t:\tThose\tthings\tthat\teven\tyou\thave\ta\thard\ttime\tlooking\tat\tin yourself\t\u2014\tfantasies,\trage,\toffending\tbehavior.","***************************** Taking\tMatters\tInto\tTheir\tOwn\tHands\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tGet\tThe\tSex\tThey Want I\tregularly\ttell\tNice\tGuys,\t\\\"No\tone\twas\tput\tinto\tthis\tworld\tto\tmeet\tyour\tneeds but\tyou.\\\"\tThis\tis\tespecially\ttrue\twith\tsex.\tWhen\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tdecide\tto take\tresponsibility\tfor\ttheir\town\tneeds\tand\ttake\tmatters\tinto\ttheir\town\thands, they\tput\tthemselves\tin\ta\tposition\tto\tget\tthe\tquantity\tand\tquality\tof\tsex\tthey\twant. Let\tme\texplain. All\tsignificant\tbehavior\tpatterns\tare\tthe\tsum\tof\tmany,\tmuch\tsmaller\tbehavior patterns.\tThe\tmost\teffective\tway\tto\tchange\ta\tbehavior\tis\tto\tchange\tits\tsmallest elements.\tFor\texample,\tif\ta\tNice\tGuys\tis\tnot\tgetting\tas\tmuch\tsex\tas\the\twants\tor isn't\tgetting\tthe\tkind\tof\tsex\the\twants,\tthe\tonly\tway\tto\tchange\tthis\tbehavior pattern\tis\tto\tchange\tits\tsmallest\tcomponents.\tRather\tthan\tgoing\tout\tand\ttrying\tto have\tmore\tsex,\tit\tis\tmore\teffective\tto\tchange\tthe\tlittle\tthings\tthat\tcreate\tthe overall\tpattern\tof\tnot\tgetting\tmuch\tsex.\tChange\tthe\tlittle\tthings,\tand\tthe\tbig picture\tchanges\tas\ta\tresult. Before\tNice\tGuys\tcan\thave\texciting,\tpassionate,\tand\tfulfilling\tsexual experiences\twith\tother\tpeople,\tthey\tmust\tlearn\thow\tto\thave\tthe\tsame\twith themselves.\tBy\ttaking\tmatters\tinto\ttheir\town\thands\t\u2014\tby\tpracticing\thealthy masturbation\t\u2014\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tcan\tchange\tthe\tmost\tbasic\tdynamics\tthat shape\tthe\tbigger\tpicture\tof\thow\tthey\tdo\tsex. Consider\tthe\tlogic: \t Until\ta\tNice\tGuy\tcan\tbe\tsexual\twith\thimself\twithout\tshame,\the\twon't be\table\tto\tbe\tsexual\twith\tanother\tperson\twithout\tshame. Until\ta\tNice\tGuy\tis\tcomfortable\tgiving\tpleasure\tto\thimself,\the\twon't be\table\tto\treceive\tpleasure\tfrom\tsomeone\telse. Until\ta\tNice\tGuy\tcan\ttake\tresponsibility\tfor\this\town\tarousal\tand pleasure\twhen\the\tis\tby\thimself,\the\twon't\tbe\table\tto\ttake\tresponsibility","for\this\town\tarousal\tand\tpleasure\twhen\tis\twith\tsomeone\telse. Until\ta\tNice\tGuy\tcan\tbe\tsexual\twith\thimself\twithout\tusing pornography\tor\tfantasy\tto\tdistract\thimself,\the\twon't\tbe\table\tto\thave sex\twith\tsomeone\telse\twithout\tneeding\tsimilar\tthings\tto\tdistract\thim. \t Nice\tGuys\tcan\tbegin\tto\tchange\tthese\tdynamics\tby\tpracticing\twhat\tI\tcall\thealthy masturbation.\tHealthy\tmasturbation\tis\ta\tprocess\tof\tletting\tsexual\tenergy\tunfold. It\thas\tno\tgoal\tor\tdestination.\tIt's\tnot\tjust\tabout\torgasms.\tIt\tdoes\tnot\trequire outside\tstimulation\tfrom\tpornography\tand\tdoesn't\tuse\ttrances\tor\tfantasy\tto\tstay distracted\tfrom\tshame\tand\tfear.\tIt\tis\tabout\tlearning\tto\tpay\tattention\tto\twhat\tfeels good.\tMost\tof\tall,\tit\tis\tabout\taccepting\tsole\tresponsibility\tfor\tone's\tsexual pleasure\tand\texpression. Many\tNice\tGuys\tare\tinitially\tuncomfortable\twith\tthe\tdiscussion\tof\thealthy masturbation.\tThe\tconcept\tseems\tlike\tan\toxymoron.\tIn\tgeneral,\tNice\tGuys\thave tremendous\tinternalized\tshame\taround\tmasturbation.\tThey\talso\tfrequently surround\tthemselves\twith\tpeople\twho\treinforce\tthis\tshame\t(partner,\treligion, etc.).\tMany\tNice\tGuys\talso\tstruggle\twith\tcompulsive\tmasturbation.\tThey\tfear that\tattempting\tany\tkind\tof\tself-gratification\tmight\topen\tup\tPandora's\tBox. I\thave\tfound\tthat\twhen\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\twork\ton\tlearning\thow\tto\tpleasure themselves\twithout\tusing\tfantasy\tor\tpornography\tthere\tis\tno\tway\tfor\ttheir behavior\tto\tbecome\tcompulsive.\tI\thave\talso\tfound\tthat\twhen\tthey\tshare\tthe experience\twith\tother\tnon-judgmental\tmen,\ttheir\tshame\tdiminishes\trapidly. \t ***************************** A\tNote\tAbout\tPornography I\tam\tnot\topposed\tto\tpornography\tlegally\tor\tmorally,\tbut\tI\tthink\tit\tis\tbad\tfor men\tfor\tseveral\treasons:","Pornography\tcreates\tunrealistic\texpectations\tof\twhat\tpeople should\tlike\tand\twhat\tsex\tshould\tbe\tlike. Pornography\taddicts\tmen\tto\tbodies\tand\tbody\tparts. Pornography\tcan\teasily\tbecome\ta\tsubstitute\tfor\ta\treal\tsexual relationship. Pornography\tcreates\ta\ttrance\tin\twhich\tmen\tcan\tbe\tsexual\twhile staying\tdistracted\tfrom\ttheir\tshame\tand\tfear. Pornography\tcompounds\tshame\tbecause\tit\tis\tusually\thidden\tand used\tin\tsecret. I\ttell\tNice\tGuys,\tif\tyou\tare\tgoing\tto\tuse\tpornography,\tdo\tit\topenly.\tDoing\tso tends\tto\tbreak\tthe\ttrance\tand\ttakes\tthe\tbuzz\tout\tof\tit. \t A\tNote\tAbout\tFantasy Fantasy\tis\ta\tform\tof\tdissociation\t\u2014\tthe\tprocess\tof\tseparating\tone's\tbody from\tone's\tmind.\tWhen\ta\tperson\tfantasizes\twhile\tbeing\tsexual\the\tis purposefully\tand\tactively\tleaving\this\tbody.\tWhile\tsome\tsex\ttherapists advocate\tfantasy\tas\ta\tway\tof\timproving\ta\tsex\tlife,\tit\tis\tactually\tthe\tbest\tway\tI know\tto\tkill\tit.\tFantasizing\tduring\tsex\tmakes\tabout\tas\tmuch\tsense\tas thinking\tabout\ta\tBig\tMac\twhile\teating\ta\tgourmet\tmeal.\tAbout\tthe\tonly\tthing fantasy\taccomplishes\tis\tto\tdistract\ta\tperson\tfrom\this\tshame\tand\tfear\tor cover\tup\tthe\tfact\tthat\the\tis\thaving\tbad\tsex. ***************************** Healthy\tmasturbation\thelps\tthe\trecovering\tNice\tGuy\tchange\tthe\tcore\tdynamics that\tprevent\thim\tfrom\tgetting\tgood\tsex.\tHealthy\tmasturbation: \t Helps\tremove\tthe\tshame\tand\tfear\tof\tbeing\tsexual.","Puts\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tin\tcharge\tof\this\town\tsexual\tneeds. Removes\tdependency\ton\tunavailable\tpartners\tor\tpornography. Helps\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tlearn\tto\tplease\tthe\tperson\tthat\tmatters\tmost\t\u2014 himself. Gives\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tpermission\tto\thave\tas\tmuch\tgood\tsex\tas\the\twants. Puts\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tin\tcharge\tof\this\town\tpleasure. Changing\tthese\tdynamics\tthrough\thealthy\tmasturbation\tenhances\tand\tintensifies the\texperience\tof\tmaking\tlove\twith\tanother\tperson.\tTerrance\tprovides\ta\tgood example. Terrance\toriginally\tcame\tto\ttherapy\tlooking\tfor\ta\tquick\tfix\tto\this\t\\\"problem\\\"\tso his\tfianc\u00e9e\twould\tnot\tbreak\tup\twith\thim.\tIn\tthe\tfirst\tseveral\tsessions,\tI\tfocused on\tthe\tsubject\tof\thim\tmaking\this\tneeds\ta\tpriority.\tAs\twith\tmost\tNice\tGuys,\tthis initially\tmade\thim\tuncomfortable\t(to\tput\tit\tmildly).\tTerrance\twas\tterrified\tthat\tif he\twasn't\ta\tgreat\tlover\tand\tdidn't\tkeep\this\tgirlfriend\thappy,\tshe\twould\tleave\thim like\this\tex-wife\tdid. I\tbegan\tby\tencouraging\tTerrance\tto\tdo\ta\tfew\tnon-sexual\tthings\tjust\tfor\thimself.\tI reassured\thim\tregularly\tthat\tthis\twould\tmake\thim\tmore\tattractive\tto\this\tfianc\u00e9e, not\tless.\tAs\the\tbegan\tto\tdiscover\tthat\tmaking\this\tneeds\ta\tpriority\tdidn't\tdrive\this girlfriend\taway,\twe\ttook\tit\tto\tthe\tnext\tstep.\tI\ttalked\twith\tTerrance\tabout\thealthy masturbation.\tI\tencouraged\thim\tto\tfind\ta\ttime\twhen\the\twould\tbe\tundisturbed\tin which\the\tcould\tfocus\ton\this\town\tpleasure\tand\tarousal.\tI\tsuggested\tthat\the\tdo\tthis without\thaving\ta\tgoal\tof\tclimaxing\tand\twithout\tusing\tfantasy\tor\tpornography.\tI encouraged\thim\tto\tpay\tattention\tto\twhat\tfelt\tgood\tto\thim\tand\tto\tobserve\tthe ways\the\tunconsciously\ttried\tto\tdistract\thimself\tfrom\this\tshame\tand\tfear. It\ttook\ta\tfew\tweeks\tfor\tTerrance\tto\tcarry\tout\tthe\tassignment.\tThe\tfirst\ttime\the tried\tit\the\treported\tnot\tfeeling\t\\\"much\tof\tanything.\\\"\tI\tencouraged\thim\tto\tcontinue the\tassignment\tat\tleast\tonce\ta\tweek.\tAfter\ta\tfew\tweeks\the\treported\tthat\the\twas actually\tbeginning\tto\tenjoy\tpleasuring\thimself\tbut\tfelt\tsome\tshame\tand\tfear\tthat his\tfianc\u00e9e\twould\tbe\tmad\tat\thim. I\tinvited\tTerrance\tto\tbring\this\tfianc\u00e9e\tto\ttherapy\tto\twork\ton\tshifting\ttheir\tsexual patterns.\tWe\ttalked\tabout\tTerrance\ttaking\this\tfocus\toff\ther\tarousal\tand\torgasms and\tbeginning\tto\tfocus\tmore\ton\thimself. His\tgirlfriend\tactually\texpressed\trelief.\tShe\trevealed\tthat\tit\tfelt\tlike\ta\tburden","when\tTerrance\texpected\ther\tto\thave\tmultiple\torgasms.\tInstead\tof\ttelling\thim\tthis in\tthe\tpast,\tshe\thad\tjust\tfaked\tit. As\tthey\tcommunicated\tabout\ttheir\texperience\tof\tmaking\tlove,\tthe\tpatterns\tbegan to\tshift.\tThey\tactually\tbegan\tspending\tmore\ttime\ttalking\twith\teach\tother\tabout what\tthey\tliked\tand\tdidn't\tlike\twhile\tthey\twere\thaving\tsex.\tEven\tthough\tit\twas initially\tdifficult,\tTerrance\tshared\twith\this\tfianc\u00e9e\twhat\the\thad\tfound\tout\tabout himself\tfrom\this\town\thealthy\tmasturbation.\tHe\twas\tsurprised\twhen\tshe expressed\tinterest\tin\tpleasuring\thim\tand\thaving\ta\treciprocal\tsexual\trelationship with\thim. After\ta\tfew\tmonths,\tTerrance\tand\this\tfianc\u00e9e\tgot\tmarried\tas\tplanned.\tBoth expressed\thow\trelieved\tthey\twere\tto\tdiscard\ttheir\told\tway\tof\tdoing\tsex\tfor\ta more\tintimate,\tconnecting\tway. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#38 Set\taside\ta\ttime\tto\tpractice\thealthy\tmasturbation.\tChoose\ta\tcomfortable place\twhere\tyou\twill\tbe\tundisturbed.\tPractice\tby\tlooking\tat\tyourself\tand touching\tyourself\twithout\tusing\tpornography\tor\tfantasy.\tPay\tattention\tto how\tit\tfeels\tto\texperience\tyour\tsexuality\twithout\tany\tgoals\tor\tagendas\t(such as\thaving\tan\torgasm).\tAlso\tobserve\tany\ttendency\tto\tdistract\tyourself\tfrom what\tyou\tare\texperiencing\t(going\tinto\tfantasy,\tbecoming\tgoal-oriented, having\tdistracting\tthoughts,\tloss\tof\tphysical\tsensation).\tJust\tobserve\tthese experiences\tand\tuse\tthem\tas\tinformation\tabout\tyour\tshame\tand\tfear. \t *****************************","Saying\t\\\"No\\\"\tTo\tBad\tSex\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tGet\tThe\tSex\tThey\tWant When\tit\tcomes\tto\tsex,\tNice\tGuys\tare\tconsummate\tbottom\tfeeders.\tThey\tsettle for\tscraps\tand\tcome\tback\tbegging\tfor\tmore.\tNice\tGuys\tsettle\tfor\tdistorted images\tof\tbodies\tin\tpornography.\tThey\tsettle\tfor\tthe\tfaceless\tsex\tof\t900\tnumbers and\tchat\trooms.\tThey\tsettle\tfor\ttrying\tto\tpersuade\tunavailable\tpeople\tto begrudgingly\tbe\tsexual\twith\tthem.\tThey\tsettle\tfor\tquick,\tcompulsive masturbation.\tThey\tsettle\tfor\tpassionless,\tmechanical\tlovemaking.\tThey\tsettle for\ttrances\tand\tfantasy.\tNice\tGuys\tdo\ta\tlot\tof\tsettling. As\tlong\tas\ta\tNice\tGuy\tis\twilling\tto\tsettle\tfor\tbad\tsex,\the\tlimits\this\topportunities to\texperience\tgood\tsex. I\tregularly\ttell\tNice\tGuys,\t\\\"You\thave\tto\tbe\twilling\tto\tlet\tgo\tof\twhat\tyou've\tgot\tto get\twhat\tyou\twant.\\\" \t Good\tsex\tcan\toccur\tonly\twhen\ta\trecovering\tNice\tGuy\tdecides\tto\tstop\tsettling\tfor bad\tsex! So\twhat\tdoes\tgood\tsex\tlook\tlike?\tIf\twe\tbase\tour\tanswer\ton\twhat\twe\tsee\tin movies\tor\tpornography,\twe\twill\tonly\tkeep\tperpetuating\ta\tformula\tfor\tbad\tsex. Here\tis\thow\tI\tdefine\t\\\"good\tsex.\\\" Good\tsex\tconsists\tof\ttwo\tpeople\ttaking\tfull\tresponsibility\tfor\tmeeting\ttheir\town needs.\tIt\thas\tno\tgoal.\tIt\tis\tfree\tof\tagendas\tand\texpectations.\tRather\tthan\tbeing\ta performance,\tit\tis\tan\tunfolding\tof\tsexual\tenergy. It\tis\tabout\ttwo\tpeople\trevealing\tthemselves\tin\tthe\tmost\tintimate\tand\tvulnerable of\tways.\tGood\tsex\toccurs\twhen\ttwo\tpeople\tfocus\ton\ttheir\town\tpleasure,\tpassion, and\tarousal,\tand\tstay\tconnected\tto\tthose\tsame\tthings\tin\ttheir\tpartner.\tAll\tof\tthese dynamics\tallow\tgood\tsex\tto\tunfold\tin\tunpredictable,\tspontaneous,\tand memorable\tways. When\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tdecide\tthey\twill\tno\tlonger\tsettle\tfor\tanything\tless than\tgood\tsex,\tthey\tbegin\tto\ttake\tresponsibility\tfor\tdoing\tsomething\tdifferent.","They\tlet\tgo\tof\tthe\tconcept\tof\tbeing\ta\tgreat\tlover. They\tpractice\tbeing\tclear\tand\tdirect. They\tchoose\tavailable\tpartners. They\tdon't\tsettle\tfor\tscraps. They\tdecide\tthat\tbad\tsex\tis\tnot\tbetter\tthan\tno\tsex! Aaron\tis\ta\tgood\texample\tof\twhat\tcan\thappen\twhen\ta\trecovering\tNice\tGuy decides\tto\tsay\t\\\"no\\\"\tto\tbad\tsex.\tFor\tthe\tfirst\tfew\tweeks\tin\tthe\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice Guy!\tgroup,\tAaron\tvented\this\tfrustrations\tand\tshared\thow\thelpless\the\tfelt\tto\tget Hannah\tto\twant\tto\thave\tsex\twith\thim.\tIt\twas\tobvious\tthat\tAaron\tbelieved\this wife\theld\tthe\tkey\tto\this\tsexual\thappiness\tand\tthat\the\twas\tangry\tover\ther\twillful refusal\tto\tuse\tthat\tkey.\tAs\ta\tresult,\the\tfelt\t\\\"rejected\\\"\tand\t\\\"worthless.\\\" After\ta\tfew\tweeks,\tI\tsuggested\tthat\tAaron\tgo\ton\ta\tsexual\tmoratorium\tin\twhich he\trefrained\tfrom\thaving\tsex\twith\tHannah\tfor\ta\tperiod\tof\tsix\tmonths.\tDuring this\ttime\tI\tsuggested\tthat\the\tfocus\ton\tdoing\tthings\the\thad\tgiven\tup\twhen\the\tand Hannah\tgot\tmarried.\tI\talso\tencouraged\thim\tto\ttell\tHannah\twhatever\the\twas feeling.\tI\tshared\twith\thim\tthat\ta\tsexual\tmoratorium\twould\tmake\tit\teasier\tfor\thim to\tdo\tthese\tthings\tbecause\the\twouldn't\tbe\tso\tconcerned\tabout\tmaintaining\tthe possibility\tof\ther\tavailability.\tIf\tthey\tweren't\thaving\tsex,\the\twouldn't\thave\tto worry\tabout\tdoing\tsomething\tthat\tmight\tmake\ther\tangry\tand\tcause\ther\tto withhold\tsex. At\tfirst,\tAaron\twas\tbewildered\tas\tto\thow\tthis\tplan\tcould\tget\tHannah\tto\twant\tto have\tmore\tsex\twith\thim. I\ttold\thim\tthe\tgoal\twas\tnot\tto\tget\ther\tto\thave\tmore\tsex,\tbut\tfor\thim\tto\treclaim\this key\tand\tstop\tfeeling\tlike\ta\tvictim. Even\tthough\the\twas\tinitially\thesitant,\the\tacknowledged\tthat\the\twasn't\thaving much\tsex\tanyway.\tWith\tthe\tsupport\tof\tthe\tmen\tin\tthe\tgroup,\tAaron\tdecided\tto go\thome\tthat\tnight\tand\ttell\this\twife\twhat\the\tplanned\tto\tdo. \t The\tnext\tweek,\tAaron\tshared\twith\tthe\tgroup\twhat\the\thad\ttold\this\twife.\tHe reported\tthat\tshe\twas\tinitially\tangry,\tbut\tover\tthe\tcourse\tof\tthe\tweek,\thad\tacted more\tloving\ttoward\thim\tthan\tshe\thad\tin\tmonths. Over\tthe\tnext\tsix\tmonths,\tAaron\tshared\this\texperiences\twith\tthe\tgroup.\tOn","several\toccasions\the\treported\tdoing\tthings\tfor\thimself\tthat\tpreviously\twould have\tcreated\ttremendous\tanxiety.\tHe\twent\tout\twith\tsome\tguy\tfriends\the\thadn't seen\tin\ta\tcouple\tof\tyears.\tHe\tbegan\tto\tshare\this\tfeelings\twith\this\twife. On\tmore\tthan\tone\toccasion,\tthis\tincluded\ttelling\ther\twhen\the\twas\tangry\tat\ther. He\teven\tlet\ther\tknow\ton\ta\tcouple\tof\toccasions\twhen\the\twasn't\tin\tthe\tmood\tto listen\tto\ther\ttalk\tabout\ther\tproblems.\tHe\talso\tfound\tthat\the\tbecame\tmore\thonest \u2014\trevealing\tthings\tto\ther\tthat\the\thad\tpreviously\tkept\tto\thimself. Aaron\talso\treported\tthat\this\twife\thad\tmade\tsome\tsexual\tadvances\ttoward\thim. She\trevealed\tto\thim\tthat\tsince\the\twas\tnot\tpursuing\ther,\tshe\tfelt\tfreer\tto\tmove toward\thim.\tShe\talso\texpressed\tthat\tshe\tliked\tbeing\table\tto\thave\tsexual\tenergy with\tAaron,\twithout\tit\talways\thaving\tto\tend\tup\tin\tintercourse. After\tsix\tmonths,\tAaron\treported\tfeeling\tless\tresentful\tand\tmuch\tcloser\tto\this wife.\tHe\talso\tdiscovered\thow\tto\tget\this\tneeds\tmet\tand\texpress\this\tfeelings\tmore directly,\tinstead\tof\tthrough\tsex.\tMost\timportantly,\twhen\the\tand\tHannah\tdid\tstart having\tsex\tagain,\the\tfelt\tmuch\tmore\tconnected\tto\this\twife. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#39 Consider\tgoing\ton\ta\tsexual\tmoratorium.\tConsciously\trefrain\tfrom\tsex\tfor\ta predetermined\tperiod\tof\ttime.\tNo\tmatter\twhat\tyour\tsexual\tsituation\tis,\tit can\tbe\ta\tpowerful\tlearning\texperience.\tMost\tguys\tinitially\tresist\tthe\tidea, but\tonce\tthey\tmake\tthe\tdecision\tto\tdo\tit,\tthey\tfind\tit\tto\tbe\ta\tvery\tpositive experience.\tA\tsexual\tmoratorium\tcan\thave\tmany\tbenefits:\t \t Helps\tbreak\tdysfunction\tcycles. Eliminates\tpursuing\tand\tdistancing. Releases\tresentment.","Allows\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tto\tsee\tthat\the\tcan\tlive\twithout\tsex. Helps\tthe\tNice\tGuy\trealize\tthat\tno\tone\telse\tbut\thim\tholds\tthe\tkey to\this\tsexual\texperience. Helps\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tsee\thow\the\tsettles\tfor\tbad\tsex. Eliminates\tfear\tthat\tthe\tNice\tGuy's\tpartner\tcan\twithhold\tsex\tor approval. Helps\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tpay\tattention\tto\tthe\tmeaning\tof\tsexual impulses.\tWhenever\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tfeels\tthe\timpulse\tto\tbe\tsexual,\the can\tautomatically\task\thimself,\t\\\"Why\tam\tI\tfeeling\tsexual?\\\" Helps\tbreak\taddictive\tpatterns\tby\teliminating\tcompulsive masturbation,\tpornography,\tand\tother\taddictive\tbehaviors. Helps\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tbegin\tto\taddress\tfeelings\the\thas\tbeen\tavoiding with\tsex. \t Before\tbeginning\ta\tsexual\tmoratorium,\tdiscuss\tit\twith\tyour\tpartner.\tIt\thelps to\tset\ta\tspecific\ttime.\tI\tsuggest\tthree\tto\tsix\tmonths.\tIt\tcan\tbe\tdone. Decide\ton\tthe\tparameters\tof\tthe\tmoratorium.\tOnce\tyou\thave\tbegun,\tpay attention\tto\tslips\tand\tsabotaging\tbehaviors,\tfrom\tboth\tyou\tand\tyour partner.\tRemember,\tit\tis\ta\tlearning\texperience.\tYou\tdon't\thave\tto\tdo\tit perfectly. \t ***************************** Following\tThe\tExample\tOf\tThe\tBull\tMoose\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tGet\tThe\tSex They\tWant In\tnature,\tthe\talpha\tmale\tand\tthe\tbull\tmoose\tdon't\tsit\taround\ttrying\tto\tfigure\tout what\twill\tmake\tthe\tgirls\tlike\tthem.\tThey\tare\tjust\tthemselves:\tfierce,\tstrong, competitive,\tand\tsexually\tproud.\tBecause\tthey\tare\twhat\tthey\tare\tand\tdo\twhat they\tdo,\tprospective\tmates\tare\tattracted. As\tin\tnature,\tthe\tgreatest\taphrodisiac\tis\tself-confidence.\tAs\trecovering\tNice Guys\tbecome\tcomfortable\tjust\tbeing\tthemselves,\tthey\tbegin\tto\tlook\tmore","attractive.\tSelf-respect,\tcourage,\tand\tintegrity\tlook\tgood\ton\ta\tman.\tAs recovering\tNice\tGuys\tchart\ttheir\town\tpath\tand\tput\tthemselves\tfirst,\tpeople respond. I've\tlistened\tto\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\ttell\tof\t\\\"selfishly\\\"\tputting\ttheir\tneeds\tfirst and\tthen\tbeing\tsurprised\twhen\ta\tseemingly\tunavailable\tpartner\texpresses\ta desire\tto\tbe\tsexual.\tOne\tclient,\twho\thadn't\thad\tsex\twith\this\twife\tin\t14\tmonths, shared\tin\ta\tNice\tGuy\tgroup\tthat\the\twas\ttired\tof\tlistening\tto\this\twife\tcomplain about\ther\twork\tproblems.\tThat\tnight,\tfor\tthe\tfirst\ttime\tin\t15\tyears\tof\tmarriage, he\ttold\this\twife\tthat\the\twas\ttoo\ttired\tto\tlisten.\tEven\tthough\tshe\twas\tinitially angry,\tlater\tthat\tnight\tshe\tasked\thim\tif\the\twanted\tto\tmake\tlove. A\tForce\tOf\tNature The\tvery\tthing\tthat\tmakes\tsex\tso\texciting\tis\texactly\twhat\tmakes\tit\tso\tterrifying. Sex\tis\tpowerful,\tchaotic,\tand\twild.\tIt\tcrackles\twith\tcosmic\tenergy.\tIt\tdraws\tus like\ta\tmoth\tto\ta\tflame.\tAs\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\trelease\ttheir\tsexual\tshame\tand fear,\ttake\tresponsibility\tfor\ttheir\town\tpleasure,\trefuse\tto\tsettle\tfor\tbad\tsex,\tand practice\tbeing\tjust\twho\tthey\tare,\tthey\tput\tthemselves\tin\tthe\tposition\tto\tembrace this\tcosmic\tforce\twithout\tfear\tor\treservation.\tThis\tis\twhen\tthe\tsex\treally\tgets good.","Chapter\t9 Get\tThe\tLife\tYou\tWant:\tDiscover\tYour\tPassion\tAnd\tPurpose\tIn Life,\tWork,\tAnd\tCareer \t If\tthere\twere\tno\tlimits\ton\tyour\tlife: \t Where\twould\tyou\tlive? What\twould\tyou\tbe\tdoing\tin\tyour\tleisure\ttime? What\tkind\tof\twork\twould\tyou\tbe\tengaged\tin? What\twould\tyour\thome\tand\tsurroundings\tlook\tlike? As\tyou\tlook\tat\tthe\treality\tof\tyour\tlife,\task\tyourself\ttwo\tquestions:\tFirst,\tare\tyou creating\tthe\tlife\tyou\twant?\tSecond,\tif\tnot,\twhy\tnot? In\tgeneral,\tthe\tNice\tGuys\twith\twhom\tI\thave\tworked\thave\tbeen\tintelligent, industrious,\tand\tcompetent\tindividuals.\tWhile\tmost\tare\tat\tleast\tmoderately successful,\tthe\tmajority\thave\tnot\tlived\tup\tto\ttheir\tfull\tabilities\tor\tpotential.\tNor have\tthey\tcreated\tthe\tkind\tof\tlife\tthey\treally\tdesire. Since\tNice\tGuys\tspend\tso\tmuch\ttime\tseeking\tapproval,\thiding\ttheir\tflaws, playing\tit\tsafe,\tand\tdoing\tthe\topposite\tof\twhat\tworks,\tit\tmakes\tsense\tthat\tthey would\ttypically\tfall\tshort\tof\tbeing\tall\tthey\tcan\tbe.\tThis\tis\tperhaps\tthe\tgreatest tragedy\twrought\tby\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome\t\u2014\tcountless\tintelligent\tand\ttalented men\twasting\ttheir\tlives\tand\twallowing\tin\tthe\tmire\tof\tmediocrity. Nice\tGuys\tOn\tThe\tJob","Most\tNice\tGuys\tinitially\tcome\tto\tcounseling\tto\tdeal\twith\tthe\tway\ttheir\tlife paradigm\tis\taffecting\ttheir\tintimate\trelationships.\tThese\trelationship\tproblems often\tovershadow\tthe\treality\tthat\tthey\tare\tequally\tdissatisfied\twith\ttheir\tjob, career,\tor\tlife\tdirection\tin\tgeneral.\tThe\tdynamics\tthat\tkeep\tNice\tGuys\tstuck\tin dysfunctional,\tunsatisfying\trelationships\tare\toften\tthe\tsame\tdynamics\tthat\tkeep them\tstuck\tin\tdysfunctional\tand\tunsatisfying\tvocations. There\tare\tnumerous\treasons\twhy\tNice\tGuys\ttend\tto\tbe\tless\tthan\tthey\tcan\tbe\tin life,\twork,\tand\tcareer. These\tinclude: \t Fear Trying\tto\tdo\tit\tright Trying\tto\tdo\teverything\tthemselves Self-sabotage A\tdistorted\tself-image Deprivation\tthinking Staying\tstuck\tin\tfamiliar\tbut\tdysfunctional\tsystems \t Fear\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys\tFrom\tGetting\tthe\tLife\tThey\tWant If\tI\twere\tto\tidentify\tone\tcommon\tfactor\tat\tthe\tcore\tof\tevery\tproblem\texperienced by\tNice\tGuys,\tit\twould\tbe\tfear.\tPretty\tmuch\teverything\tNice\tGuys\tdo\tor\tdon't do\tis\tgoverned\tby\tfear.\tTheir\tthoughts\tare\tfunneled\tthrough\tfear-encrusted neurons\tin\ttheir\tbrains.\tTheir\tinteractions\tare\tdictated\tby\tthe\tpolitics\tof\tfear. \t It\tis\tfear\tthat\tprevents\ta\tNice\tGuy\tfrom\tdemanding\tthe\traise\the\thas been\tpromised. It\tis\tfear\tthat\tkeeps\ta\tNice\tGuy\tfrom\tgoing\tback\tto\tschool\tto\tget\tthe education\tor\ttraining\the\tneeds\tto\tpursue\ta\ttruly\tfulfilling\tcareer. It\tis\tfear\tthat\tprevents\ta\tNice\tGuy\tfrom\tquitting\ta\tjob\the\tdespises.","It\tis\tfear\tthat\tgets\tin\tthe\tway\tof\ta\tNice\tGuy\tstarting\tthe\tbusiness\tof\this dreams. It\tis\tfear\tthat\tprevents\ta\tNice\tGuy\tfrom\tliving\twhere\the\treally\twants\tto live\tand\tdoing\twhat\the\treally\twants\tto\tdo. Nice\tGuys\tare\tafraid\tof\tmaking\ta\tmistake,\tafraid\tof\tdoing\tit\twrong,\tafraid\tof failure,\tafraid\tof\tlosing\tit\tall.\tRight\talongside\tthese\tfears\tof\tdisaster\tis\tthe paradoxical\tfear\tof\tsuccess.\tNice\tGuys\tare\ttypically\tafraid\tthat\tif\tthey\tare\ttruly successful: \t They\twill\tbe\tfound\tout\tto\tbe\tfrauds. They\twon't\tbe\table\tto\tlive\tup\tto\tpeople's\texpectations. They\twill\tbe\tcriticized. They\twon't\tbe\table\tto\thandle\tthe\tincreased\texpectations. They\twill\tlose\tcontrol\tover\ttheir\tlives. They\twill\tdo\tsomething\tto\tmess\tup\teverything. Rather\tthan\tfacing\tthese\tfears\t\u2014\treal\tor\timagined\t\u2014\tNice\tGuys\ttypically\tsettle for\toperating\tat\ta\tfraction\tof\ttheir\tfull\tpotential. Trying\tTo\tDo\tIt\tRight\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys\tFrom\tGetting\tthe\tLife\tThey\tWant The\tessence\tof\tall\tlife\tis\tevolution\tand\tchange.\tIn\torder\tfor\tthis\tprocess\tto\toccur naturally\tand\tcompletely\tin\tan\tindividual,\ta\tperson\thas\tto\tbe\twilling\tto\tlet\tgo\tof control.\tLetting\tgo\tallows\tthe\tbeautiful,\tserendipitous\tchaos\tof\tcreation\tto resonate\tthrough\tone's\tself.\tThe\tresult\tis\ta\tdynamic,\tfulfilling\tlife. Nice\tGuys\tare\tobsessed\twith\ttrying\tto\tkeep\ttheir\tlives\tsmooth\tand\tuneventful. They\tdo\tthis\tby\ttrying\tto\t\\\"do\tit\tright\\\"\tand\tfollowing\tthe\t\\\"rules.\\\"\tUnfortunately, this\tlife\tstrategy\tis\tthe\tmost\teffective\tway\tto\tput\ta\tlid\ton\tany\tcreative\tlife\tenergy. This\tlid\tkills\ttheir\tpassion\tand\tprevents\tNice\tGuys\tfrom\tliving\tup\tto\ttheir\tfull potential. \t Trying\tto\tdo\tit\tright\trobs\tNice\tGuys\tof\ttheir\tcreativity\tand","productivity. Striving\tfor\tperfection\tkeeps\tNice\tGuys\tfocused\ton\ttheir imperfections. Seeking\texternal\tvalidation\tand\tapproval\tkeeps\tNice\tGuys\tstuck\tin mediocrity. Attempting\tto\thide\tflaws\tand\tmistakes\tprevents\tNice\tGuys\tfrom\ttaking risks\tor\ttrying\tsomething\tnew. Following\tthe\trules\tmake\tNice\tGuys\trigid,\tcautious,\tand\tfearful. It\tis\tbecause\tof\tthese\tself-imposed\tlimits\tthat\tmany\tNice\tGuys\tare\tdissatisfied, bored,\tor\tunhappy\twith\ttheir\tlife\tand\tvocation. Trying\tTo\tDo\tEverything\tThemselves\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys\tFrom\tGetting\tthe Life\tThey\tWant As\tchildren,\tNice\tGuys\tdid\tnot\tget\ttheir\tneeds\tmet\tin\ttimely,\tjudicious\tways. Some\twere\tneglected,\tsome\twere\tused,\tsome\twere\tabused,\tsome\twere abandoned.\tAll\tgrew\tup\tbelieving\tthat\tit\twas\ta\tbad\tor\tdangerous\tthing\tfor\tthem to\thave\tneeds.\tAll\tgrew\tup\tconvinced\tthat\tif\tthey\twere\tgoing\tto\thave\tanything\tin life,\tit\twould\tbe\tup\tto\tthem. Consequently,\tNice\tGuys\tare\tterrible\treceivers.\tThey\tare\tterrified\tof\tasking\tfor help.\tThey\tare\tcompletely\tmiserable\twhen\tothers\ttry\tto\tgive\tto\tthem.\tThey\thave difficulty\tdelegating\tto\tothers. Because\tthey\tbelieve\tthey\thave\tto\tdo\tit\tall\tthemselves,\tNice\tGuys\trarely\tlive\tup to\ttheir\tfull\tpotential.\tNobody\tcan\tbe\tgood\tat\teverything\tor\tsucceed\tall\ton\ttheir own.\tNice\tGuys\tbelieve\tthey\tshould\tbe\table\tto.\tThey\tmight\tbe\tjacks-of-all- trades,\tbut\tthey\tare\ttypically\tmasters\tof\tnone.\tThis\tchildhood\tconditioning ensures\tthat\tthey\twill\tnever\tbe\tall\tthey\tcan\tbe\tin\tany\tarea\tof\tlife. Self-Sabotage\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys\tFrom\tGetting\tthe\tLife\tThey\tWant Because\tof\ttheir\tfear\tof\tsuccess,\tNice\tGuys\tare\tmasters\tof\tself-sabotage.\tThey undermine\ttheir\tsuccess\tby:","Wasting\ttime. Making\texcuses. Not\tfinishing\tprojects. Caretaking\tother\tpeople. Having\ttoo\tmany\tprojects\tgoing\tat\tonce. Getting\tcaught\tup\tin\tchaotic\trelationships. Procrastinating. Not\tsetting\tboundaries. \t Nice\tGuys\tare\ttypically\tgood\tat\tlooking\tjust\tgood\tenough.\tBut\tto\tbe\treally\tgreat \u2014\tto\treally\trise\tto\tthe\ttop\t\u2014\tinvites\ttoo\tmuch\tunwanted\tattention\tand\tscrutiny. The\tbright\tlights\tof\tsuccess\tthreaten\tto\tilluminate\ttheir\tself-perceived\tcracks\tand flaws. Consequently,\tNice\tGuys\tfind\tmany\tcreative\tways\tto\tmake\tsure\tthey\tare\tnever too\tsuccessful.\tIf\tthey\tdon't\tstart\tsomething,\tthey\twon't\tfail.\tIf\tthey\tdon't\tfinish something,\tthey\twon't\tbe\tcriticized.\tIf\tthey\thave\ttoo\tmuch\tgoing\ton\tat\tonce,\tthey won't\thave\tto\tdo\tany\tone\tthing\twell.\tIf\tthey\thave\tenough\tgood\texcuses,\tpeople won't\texpect\ttoo\tmuch\tof\tthem. A\tDistorted\tSelf\tImage\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys\tFrom\tGetting\tthe\tLife\tThey Want Because\ttheir\tneeds\twere\tnot\tmet\tin\ta\ttimely,\tjudicious\tfashion\tin\tchildhood, Nice\tGuys\tdeveloped\ta\tdistorted\tview\tof\tthemselves.\tWith\ta\tnaive,\timmature logic\tthey\tcame\tto\tthe\tconclusion\tthat\tif\ttheir\tneeds\twere\tnot\timportant,\tneither were\tthey.\tThis\tis\tthe\tbasis\tof\ttheir\ttoxic\tshame.\tAt\ttheir\tcore,\tall\tNice\tGuys believe\tthey\tare\tnot\timportant\tor\tgood\tenough. If\ta\tNice\tGuy\twas\tcalled\ton\tto\ttake\tcare\tof\ta\tcritical,\tneedy,\tor\tdependent\tparent, he\treceived\ta\tdouble\tdose\tof\ttoxic\tshame.\tA\tchild\tbelieves\the\tshould\tbe\table\tto please\ta\tcritical\tparent,\tfix\tthe\tproblems\tof\ta\tdepressed\tparent,\tand\tmeet\tthe needs\tof\ta\tsmothering\tparent.\tUnfortunately,\the\tcan't.","As\ta\tresult\tof\ttheir\tinability\tto\tfix,\tplease,\tor\ttake\tcare\tof\tone\tor\tmore parents,\tmany\tNice\tGuys\tdeveloped\ta\tdeep-seated\tsense\tof\tinadequacy.\tThey believed\tthey\tshould\tbe\table\tto\tdo\tthe\tjob.\tNevertheless,\tthey\tnever\tcould\tseem to\tdo\tit\tright\tor\tgood\tenough\t\u2014\tmom\twas\tstill\tdepressed,\tdad\twas\tstill\tcritical. This\tinternalized\tsense\tof\tinadequacy\tand\tdefectiveness\tis\tcarried\tinto adulthood.\tSome\tNice\tGuys\tcompensate\tby\ttrying\tto\tdo\teverything\tright.\tThey hope\tthat\tby\tdoing\tso,\tno\tone\twill\tever\tfind\tout\thow\tinadequate\tthey\tare.\tOther Nice\tGuys\tjust\tgive\tup\tbefore\tthey\ttry. This\tfeeling\tof\tinadequacy\tprevents\tNice\tGuys\tfrom\tmaking\tthemselves\tvisible, taking\tchances,\tor\ttrying\tsomething\tnew.\tIt\tkeeps\tthem\tin\tthe\tsame\told\trut,\tnever seeing\thow\ttalented\tand\tintelligent\tthey\treally\tare.\tEveryone\taround\tthem\tcan see\tthese\tthings,\tbut\ttheir\tdistorted\tchildhood\tlenses\twon't\tlet\tthem\taccurately see\ttheir\ttrue\tpotential\tand\tability. The\tresult\tof\tthis\tdistorted\tself-image\tis\tan\temotional\tand\tcognitive\tglass ceiling.\tThis\tinvisible\tlid\tprevents\tNice\tGuys\tfrom\tbeing\tall\tthey\tcan\tbe.\tIf\tthey do\ttry\tto\trise\tabove\tit,\tthey\tbump\ttheir\theads\tand\ttumble\tdown\tto\tmore\tfamiliar territory. \t Deprivation\tThinking\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys\tFrom\tGetting\tthe\tLife\tThey\tWant Not\thaving\ttheir\tneeds\tadequately\tmet\tin\tchildhood\tcreated\ta\tbelief\tfor\tNice Guys\tthat\tthere\twasn't\tenough\tof\twhat\tthey\tneeded\tto\tgo\taround.\tThis deprivation\texperience\tbecame\tthe\tlenses\tthrough\twhich\tthey\tviewed\tthe\tworld. This\tparadigm\tof\tscarcity\tand\tdeprivation\tmakes\tNice\tGuys\tmanipulative\tand controlling.\tIt\tcauses\tthem\tto\tbelieve\tthey\tbetter\thang\ton\tto\twhat\tthey've\tgot\tand not\ttake\ttoo\tmany\tchances.\tIt\tleads\tthem\tto\tresent\tother\tpeople\twho\tseem\tto have\twhat\tthey\tlack. Because\tof\ttheir\tdeprivation\tthinking,\tNice\tGuys\tthink\tsmall.\tThey\tdon't\tbelieve they\tdeserve\tto\thave\tgood\tthings.\tThey\tfind\tall\tkinds\tof\tways\tto\tmake\tsure\ttheir view\tof\tthe\tworld\tis\tnever\tchallenged.\tThey\tsettle\tfor\tscraps\tand\tthink\tit\tis\tall they\tdeserve.\tThey\tcreate\tall\tkinds\tof\trationalizations\tto\texplain\twhy\tthey\twill","never\thave\twhat\tthey\treally\tdesire.\tBecause\tof\ttheir\tself-fulfilling\tbeliefs,\tNice Guys\trarely\tlive\tup\tto\ttheir\tpotential\tor\tget\twhat\tthey\treally\twant\tin\tlife. Staying\tStuck\tIn\tDysfunctional,\tBut\tFamiliar\tSystems\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys From\tGetting\tthe\tLife\tThey\tWant As\tstated\tin\tprevious\tchapters,\ttwo\tmajor\tfactors\tprevent\tNice\tGuys\tfrom getting\twhat\tthey\twant\tin\tlove.\tThe\tfirst\tis\tthat\tthey\ttend\tto\trecreate\tfamiliar,\tyet dissatisfying\trelationships.\tThey\tfind\tpartners\twho\twill\thelp\tthem\tcreate\tthe same\tdysfunctional\tkinds\tof\trelationships\tthey\texperienced\tas\tchildren. These\tmen\tthen\tfrequently\tsee\tthemselves\tas\tbeing\tvictims\tto\tthe\tdysfunction\tof their\tpartners.\tNice\tGuys\thave\ta\tdifficult\ttime\tseeing\tthat\tthey\twere\tattracted\tto these\tpeople\tfor\ta\treason. Second,\tNice\tGuys\trarely\texperience\tthe\tkind\tof\trelationships\tthey\twant\tbecause they\tare\tbad\tenders.\tWhen\ta\thealthy\tperson\twould\tpack\tup\tand\tmove\ton,\tNice Guys\tjust\tkeep\tdoing\tmore\tof\tthe\tsame,\thoping\tthat\tsomething\twill\tmiraculously change. Nice\tGuys\taren't\tmuch\tdifferent\tin\ttheir\tjobs.\tThey\tare\tattracted\tto\tcareers\tand work\tsituations\tthat\tallow\tthem\tto\trecreate\tthe\tdysfunctional\troles,\trelationships, and\trules\tof\ttheir\tchildhood.\tThey\toften\tsee\tthemselves\tas\thelpless\tvictims\tto these\tsituations.\tRarely\tdo\tthey\tsee\twhy\tthey\tneed\tthese\tsystems\tto\tbe\tthe\tway they\tare\tand\tthat\tthey\thave\tthe\tchoice\tto\tleave. Unconsciously\trecreating\tfamiliar\tfamily\tpatterns\tin\ttheir\tjobs\tand\tcareers\tkeeps Nice\tGuys\tstuck\tand\tdissatisfied.\tWhile\tthey\tare\tperpetuating\tthe\tdysfunction\tof their\tchildhood,\tthey\trarely\tdo\twhat\tthey\treally\twant\tor\trise\tto\tthe\ttop\tof\ttheir chosen\tvocation. Realizing\tYour\tPassion\tand\tPotential \t I\tfrequently\ttell\tthe\tmen\tin\tmy\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tgroups\tthat\tmy\tgoal\tis","for\tevery\tone\tof\tthem\tto\tleave\tthe\tgroup\ta\tmillionaire.\tThis\tstatement\treally\thas very\tlittle\tto\tdo\twith\tmoney\tor\tmaterial\twealth\t\u2014\tit\tis\tabout\tdiscovering\tpassion and\tliving\tup\tto\tpotential. As\tstated\tabove,\tthe\tNice\tGuys\tI\tcounsel\tare\tgenerally\tintelligent,\ttalented\tmen. As\tthese\tmen\twork\ton\trecovering\tfrom\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome,\tthey\tbegin\tto accept\tthemselves\tjust\tas\tthey\tare.\tThis\tacceptance\tof\tthe\tself\tallows\tthem\tto embrace\ttheir\tpassions\tand\tface\ttheir\tfears. The\tformation\tof\ta\tmore\taccurate\tview\tof\tthe\tself\tand\tthe\tworld\tallows\tthe abundance\tof\tthe\tuniverse\tto\tbegin\tflowing\tfreely\tinto\ttheir\tlives.\tSometimes this\ttakes\tthe\tform\tof\tmoney.\tSometimes\tit\ttakes\tthe\tform\tof\tlove.\tSometimes\tit takes\tthe\tform\tof\tsex.\tSometimes\tit\ttakes\tthe\tform\tof\tthe\tbright\tlights\tof\tfame. Sometimes\tit\tincludes\tall\tof\tthe\tabove. The\tremainder\tof\tthis\tchapter\tpresents\ta\tstrategy\tto\thelp\trecovering\tNice\tGuys become\tall\tthey\tcan\tbe.\tThe\tfollowing\tpages\tpresent\ta\tplan\tthat\thas\talready helped\tcountless\tNice\tGuys\tdiscover\ttheir\tpassion\tand\tlive\tup\tto\ttheir\tpotential. It\tcan\tdo\tthe\tsame\tfor\tyou. Facing\tFears\tAllows\tNice\tGuys\tTo\tGet\tthe\tLife\tThey\tWant Charlie\tcould\thave\tbeen\tthe\tposter\tchild\tfor\tpassionless,\tunderachieving\tNice Guys.\tWhen\tI\tfirst\tmet\tCharlie\the\twas\tstuck\tin\ta\tjob\the\thated\tand\tliving\ta\tlife characterized\tby\tmediocrity\tand\tfear.\tCharlie\thad\tcompleted\this\tengineering degree\ta\tcouple\tof\tyears\tbefore,\tyet\the\twas\tstill\tworking\tat\tthe\tsame\tjob\the\thad held\tbefore\tstarting\tcollege.\tCharlie's\temployers\thad\tpromised\thim\ta\tbig promotion\tupon\tgraduation.\tWhen\tthey\tfailed\tto\tkeep\ttheir\tpromise,\tCharlie\tjust stifled\this\tresentment\tand\tkept\ton\tdoing\tthe\tsame\told\tthing\the\thad\talways\tdone. Charlie's\tsingle\tpassion\twas\tflying.\tIn\tspite\tof\twarnings\tof\tdisaster\tfrom\this mother,\the\thad\tbegun\ttaking\tflying\tlessons\tafter\the\tfinished\tcollege.\tThough Charlie\tdreamed\tof\tearning\this\tpilot's\tlicense,\the\tnever\tseemed\tto\tbe\table\tto complete\tthe\tnecessary\trequirements\tto\tachieve\this\tgoal. A\twoman\tat\this\twork\tintroduced\tCharlie\tto\tmy\twebsite.\tWhen\the\tread\tthe description\tof\ta\tNice\tGuy\the\twas\tmortified.\tHe\tcouldn't\tfigure\tout\thow\tsomeone could\tknow\thim\tso\twell.\tIt\ttook\thim\tsix\tmonths\tbefore\the\tworked\tup\tthe\tnerve","to\tsend\tme\tan\temail.\tIt\ttook\thim\tanother\ttwo\tmonths\tto\tsend\tme\ta\tsecond.\tFrom the\tfirst\ttime\tCharlie\tlooked\tat\tmy\twebsite\the\tknew\the\tneeded\tto\tjoin\ta\tmen's group,\tbut\tthe\tidea\tof\tbeing\tthat\tvulnerable\tterrified\thim. It\twas\tat\tthat\tpoint\tthat\tCharlie\tmade\ta\tdecision\tthat\tchanged\this\tlife.\tCharlie decided\tthat\tif\tsomething\tfrightened\thim\tthat\tmuch,\the\tneeded\tto\tface\this\tfear and\tdo\tit.\tLittle\tdid\the\tknow\tthen,\tbut\tthat\tdecision\twas\tjust\tthe\tbeginning\tof\ta journey\tthat\twould\tlead\tCharlie\ttoward\tthe\trediscovery\tof\this\tpassion\tand purpose\tin\tlife. \t Over\tthe\tnext\tyear\tand\ta\thalf\tCharlie\tlived\tby\tone\tcredo:\tIf\the\twas\tafraid\tof something,\the\tconfronted\tthat\tfear.\tCharlie's\tprogress\twas\tslow\tbut\tsteady. Basically,\the\tcrawled\tuntil\the\tcould\twalk.\tHe\ttook\tbaby\tsteps\tuntil\the\tcould\trun. Once\the\tgot\tgoing,\tthere\twas\tno\tstopping\thim. Over\tthe\tperiod\tof\tabout\teighteen\tmonths\tCharlie\ttook\tseveral\tsteps\ttoward rediscovering\this\tpassion\tand\tpurpose\tin\tlife. He\tbecame\tmore\tand\tmore\tactive\tin\this\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tmen's\tgroup, revealing\thimself\tand\tconfronting\tfellow\tgroup\tmembers. He\tbegan\tlooking\tat\tthe\tneglect\the\texperienced\tand\tthe\tdistorted\tfear-based messages\the\treceived\tin\this\tfamily. He\tasked\this\tfather\tto\tcome\tto\tcounseling\twith\thim\twhere\the\tconfronted\thim\ton his\tunavailability\tand\tlack\tof\tconcern\tfor\this\twell\tbeing\tin\tchildhood. He\tquit\tblaming\this\tlack\tof\tmoney\tfor\tflying\tlessons\ton\this\tgirlfriend. He\tchanged\tflying\tschools\twhen\this\tcurrent\tschool\twas\tunable\tto\tprovide\thim with\tthe\ttype\tof\tinstruction\tand\tequipment\the\tneeded. He\tbegan\tinterviewing\tfor\tjobs\tthat\ttook\tadvantage\tof\this\tengineering\tdegree. He\tbegan\tconfronting\this\tfeelings\tof\tinadequacy,\tfamily\tmessages\tabout\tplaying it\tsafe,\tand\tdistorted\tbeliefs\tabout\this\tqualifications\tas\tan\tengineer. He\tconfronted\this\tgirlfriend\t(whom\the\twas\tinitially\tterrified\tof)\tabout\ther\tlack","of\tparticipation\tin\thousehold\tresponsibilities. He\ttook\this\tsolo\tflight\tand\tgot\this\tpilot's\tlicense. He\tallowed\this\tmen's\tgroup\tto\ttake\thim\tout\tfor\this\tbirthday\tto\ta\trestaurant\twhere he\tfaced\this\tfear\tof\tbeing\tthe\tcenter\tof\tattention. He\tapplied\tfor\tand\tgot\ta\tjob\twith\tan\tengineering\tfirm\tthat\texpressed\ta\tbelief\tthat he\twas\tcapable,\ttalented,\tand\thad\tsomething\tto\toffer\ttheir\tcompany. When\tCharlie\ttold\tthe\tgroup\tabout\tgetting\tthe\tjob\tI\trealized\tthat\tI\thad\twitnessed a\tmetamorphosis\tof\tepic\tproportions.\tCharlie\thad\tgone\tfrom\tbeing\tan introverted,\tfrightened,\tand\tpassive\tNice\tGuy,\tto\tan\tevolving\tman\twith\tpassion and\tpurpose. \t I\tasked\tCharlie\tto\tsend\tme\tan\temail\twith\this\tformula\tfor\tsuccess.\tHere\tis\twhat he\twrote:\t Bob, Here\tis\troughly\thow\tI\tarrived\tat\tthe\tnew\tjob. 1)\tVery\tfirst\tbefore\tanything\telse\tcould\thappen\tI\thad\tto\tstop\tbeing\ta\tvictim. 2)\tBegan\tby\tsetting\tboundaries.\tAt\tfirst\tthey\twere\tsmall\tones\tand\tthey\tgrew with\ttime. 3)\tFrom\tthe\tboundaries\tbeing\tset\tand\trespected\tI\tstarted\tbelieving\tin myself. 4)\tHonesty\tcame\talong\tsomewhere\tduring\tthis\ttime. 5)\tBelieving\tthat\tI\tam\tan\tadult,\tI\thave\tan\teducation,\tand\tI\tam\tqualified\tto take\ton\tthe\trole\tof\tan\tIndustrial\tEngineer. 6)\tI\talways\tknew\tthat\tmy\tprevious\temployer\twas\tdysfunctional\tand\tthat\tit was\tcomfortable\tfor\ta\treason. When\tI\tfinally\trealized\tand\taccepted\tthat\tI\tdid\tnot\tneed\tthat\tsystem\tto","survive,\tI\tcould\tfinally\tmove\ton. Charlie \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#40 Look\tover\tthe\tlist\tbelow.\tChoose\tone\tof\tthe\titems\tand\tname\ta\ttangible\tfear from\tyour\tlife.\tWrite\tdown\thow\tyou\twill\tconfront\tthat\tspecific\tissue.\tThen, take\ta\tsmall\tstep\ttoward\tfacing\tthat\tfear. Ask\tsomeone\tto\tencourage\tand\tsupport\tyou.\tDon't\ttry\tto\tdo\tit\talone. Remember,\tno\tmatter\twhat\thappens,\tyou\twill\thandle\tit. Ask\tfor\ta\traise\tor\tpromotion Quit\tan\tunsatisfying\tjob Start\tyour\town\tbusiness Go\tback\tto\tschool \t Confront\ta\tconflict\tsituation Promote\tan\tidea\tor\tsomething\tyou\thave\tcreated Pursue\ta\tlifelong\tgoal Spend\tmore\ttime\twith\ta\thobby\tor\tinterest *****************************","Charting\tTheir\tOwn\tPath\tAllows\tNice\tGuys\tTo\tGet\tthe\tLife\tThey\tWant Most\tfolks\t\u2014\tNice\tGuys\tincluded\t\u2014\tdo\tnot\tconsciously\ttake\tresponsibility\tfor creating\tthe\tkind\tof\tlife\tthey\twant.\tMost\tpeople\tjust\taccept\twhere\tthey\tare\tand act\tas\tif\tthey\thave\tlittle\tpower\tin\tshaping\tan\texciting,\tproductive,\tand\tfulfilling life. When\tI\ttalk\twith\tNice\tGuys\tabout\ttaking\tcharge\tof\ttheir\tlives,\tmost\thave\ta difficult\ttime\twrapping\ttheir\tbrain\taround\tthe\tconcept.\tIt\tjust\tdoesn't\tfit\ttheir paradigm\tthat\tthey\tcan\tmake\tchoices\tand\tact\tto\tmake\tthese\tchoices\ta\treality. I\tencourage\tNice\tGuys\tto\tvisualize\tcreating\ta\tlife\twhere\tthey\tdo\twhat\tthey\tlove and\tget\tpaid\tfor\tit.\tMost\tof\tthem\thave\tdifficulty\twith\tthis\tconcept.\tThey\tact\tas\tif I\tam\tasking\tthem\tto\tbelieve\ta\tfairy\ttale.\tOccasionally\tthey\twill\tdismiss\tthe\tidea with\tthe\texcuse,\t\\\"Not\teverybody\tcan\tbe\tlucky\tlike\tyou\t(referring\tto\tme)\tand have\ta\tjob\tthey\treally\tlove\tand\tget\tpaid\twell\tfor\tit\ttoo.\\\"\tFor\ta\twhile,\tI\taccepted this\tlogic\tuntil\tit\tdawned\ton\tme\tthat\tthe\tlife\tI\twas\tliving\thad\tnothing\tto\tdo\twith luck. Earning\ta\tPh.D.\tinvolved\ta\tconscious\tdecision,\tpersistence,\tand\thard\twork\t\u2014 not\tluck. Building\ta\tcounseling\tpractice\tinvolved\tfacing\tfears,\tquitting\ta\tsecure,\twell- paying\tjob,\tmaking\tsacrifices,\tworking\ta\tsecond\tjob\tto\tpay\tbills,\tlearning\tby\ttrial and\terror,\tand\ta\tliving\tthrough\ta\tperiod\tof\tpoverty\t\u2014\tnot\tluck. Developing\tmy\tskills\tas\ta\ttherapist\tinvolved\ta\tcommitment\tto\tpersonal\tgrowth, constant\tevolution,\tand\ta\tfinancial\tinvestment\tin\tmy\town\ttherapeutic\tprocess\t\u2014 not\tluck. Writing\ta\tbook,\tbuilding\ta\twebsite,\tand\tgetting\tpublished\trequired\tpersistence and\tthe\tconfrontation\tof\tnumerous\tfears\t\u2014\tnot\tluck. I'm\tnot\tanything\tspecial.\tI'm\tan\tordinary\tguy\twith\tordinary\ttalents.\tI\thave\tmany of\tthe\tsame\tfears\tas\tthe\tNice\tGuys\twith\twhom\tI\twork.\tI\tdon't\thave\tany\tspecial talent\tor\tskill\tthat\tthe\tmajority\tof\tmy\tclients\tdon't\thave.","What's\tthe\tdifference? \t A\tconscious\tdecision\tto\tface\tfears. A\tconscious\tdecision\tto\tnot\tsettle\tfor\tmediocrity. A\tconscious\tdecision\tto\tmake\tmy\town\trules. Think\tabout\tthe\tpeople\tyou\trespect\tor\tlook\tup\tto.\tMost\tprobably\tstarted\twith nothing\tbut\tstill\tfound\tways\tto\tcreate\tinteresting,\tproductive,\tand\tpassionate lives.\tThese\tpeople\tcharted\ttheir\town\tpaths\tand\tmade\ttheir\town\trules.\tWhat makes\tthem\tdifferent?\tMost\tare\tjust\tordinary\tpeople\twho\ttook\tcharge\tof\ttheir lives. Here's\tthe\tgood\tnews\t\u2014\tif\tthey\tcan\tdo\tit,\tso\tcan\tyou.\tOne\tof\tmy\tfavorite affirmations\tis,\tWhat\tone\tman\tcan\tdo,\tanother\tman\tcan\tdo.\tThink\tabout\tit\t\u2014\tif others\thave\ttaken\tcharge\tand\tcreated\tlives\tworth\temulating,\tso\tcan\tyou.\tThe only\tthing\tstopping\tyou\tfrom\thaving\tthe\tkind\tof\tlife\tyou\treally\twant\tis\tyou. It\tis\ttime\tto\tstart\tcharting\tyour\town\tpath,\tmaking\tyour\town\trules,\tand\tmaking your\tdreams\ta\treality. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#41 What\tdo\tyou\treally\twant\tin\tlife?\tWhat\tprevents\tyou\tfrom\tmaking\tit happen?\tWrite\tdown\tthree\tthings\tyou\twant\tto\tmake\thappen\tin\tyour\tlife. Then\twrite\ta\tpersonal\taffirmation\tthat\twill\ttake\tyou\twhere\tyou\twant\tto\tgo and\tpost\tit\ton\ta\tsheet\tof\tpaper\twhere\tyou\tcan\tsee\tit.\tShare\tyour\tdreams\tand your\taffirmation\twith\ta\tsafe\tperson. \t *****************************","Letting\tGo\tOf\tTrying\tTo\tDo\tIt\tRight\tAllows\tNice\tGuys\tTo\tGet\tthe\tLife\tThey Want This\tbook\tbegan\tas\ta\tfew\tchapters\tI\tplanned\tto\twrite\tto\tgive\tto\tthe\tmen\tin\tmy first\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tgroup.\tInitially,\twhen\tthere\twas\tno\tagenda\tor\tgoal, my\twriting\twas\ta\tspontaneous\trecording\tof\tmy\tgrowing\tinsight\tinto\tthe\tNice Guy\tSyndrome.\tBefore\tlong,\tclients\tand\tfamily\tmembers\tbegan\tsuggesting\tthat\tI write\ta\tbook.\tIt\tseemed\tlike\ta\tlogical\textension\tof\twhat\tI\twas\talready\tdoing\tso the\tidea\tmade\tperfect\tsense. It\twas\tat\tthat\ttime\tthat\tsomething\tbegan\tto\tchange.\tRather\tthan\tbeing\tjust\ta\tfew insights\tand\tillustrations\twritten\tfor\tthe\tbenefit\tof\ta\thandful\tof\tclients,\tmy\teffort became\tdirected\tat\tproducing\tsomething\tthat\twould\tbe\tdeserving\tof\tpublication and\twidespread\tdistribution.\tI\tbegan\thearing\tpeople\tsuggest\tthings\tlike \\\"bestseller,\\\"\t\\\"Oprah,\\\"\tand\t\\\"get\trich.\\\" \t What\twas\tonce\tan\teffortless\tlabor\tof\tlove\tbegan\tto\tfalter\tunder\tthe\tweight\tof expectation.\tIn\torder\tto\tlive\tup\tto\tthe\tlofty\tstandards\tpeople\twere\tsuggesting,\tmy book\thad\tbetter\tbe\tgood.\tNot\tjust\tgood\t\u2014perfect! With\tthat\tagenda\tI\tlabored\tfor\tsix\tyears\tto\tcomplete\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tThe most\tcommon\tquestion\tI\twas\tasked\tby\tfriends\tand\tfamily\tduring\tthis\ttime\twas \\\"When\tare\tyou\tgoing\tto\tfinish\tyour\tbook?\\\" Over\tthe\tyears\tthe\tmanuscript\twent\tthrough\tat\tleast\tthree\tmajor\trevisions\tas\twell as\textensive\tediting.\tNumerous\tfactors\tcontributed\tto\tthe\tlength\tof\ttime\tit\ttook to\tfinish\tthe\tbook,\tbut\tthe\tnumber\tone\treason\twas\tthat\tI\tthought\tit\thad\tto\tbe perfect.\tI\tthought\tthe\tbook\thad\tto\tbe\tperfect\tto\tbe\tpublished.\tI\tthought\tit\thad\tto be\tperfect\tfor\tanyone\tto\tbuy\tit.\tIt\tthought\tit\thad\tto\tbe\tperfect\tfor\tit\tto\thelp anyone. Unfortunately,\tthis\tgross\tmisperception\thad\ta\tnumber\tof\tdetrimental consequences:\tI\tbelieved\tI\thad\tto\twrite\teverything\tI\tknew\tabout\tthe\tNice\tGuy Syndrome!\tThe\toriginal\tmanuscript\tof\tthis\tbook\twas\tprobably\tfour\ttimes\tits present\tlength.\tI\tbelieved\tI\thad\tto\tbe\tan\teloquent\twriter.\tI\tbelieved\tthe\ttext\thad\tto be\tflawless.","I\twent\tto\ttherapy\tto\tfind\tout\twhy\tI\tcouldn't\tfinish\tmy\tbook.\tMy\tchildren\tbecame disillusioned,\tpredicting\tthat\tI\tnever\twould\tfinish.\tMy\twife\thalf-seriously threatened\tto\tleave\tme\tif\tI\tdidn't\tfinish. Finally,\tafter\tyears\tof\tfrustration,\tI\thad\ta\tbreakthrough.\tA\tvery\twise\tperson suggested\tthat\tI\tgive\tmyself\tpermission\tto\tnever\tpublish\tthe\tbook.\tI\tfelt\tan immediate\tsense\tof\trelief. I\trealized\tthat\tI\thad\tgotten\taway\tfrom\tmy\toriginal\tgoal\t\u2014\tto\twrite\ta\tfew\tinsights that\twould\thelp\ta\tfew\tmen\tlive\tbetter\tlives.\tOnce\tI\tlet\tgo\tof\tthe\tburden\tof\thaving to\tget\tpublished,\tbe\ta\tbestselling\tauthor,\tand\tappear\ton\tOprah,\teverything changed.\tI\twent\tback\tto\tmy\toriginal\tagenda.\tFrom\tthen\ton\twhen\tI\twrote,\tI\tonly asked\tmyself\tone\tthing:\t\\\"Will\tthis\thelp\tmy\tclients\tfind\tanswers\tto\ttheir problems?\\\"\tI\talso\tkept\treminding\tmyself\tthat\tmy\tclients\twould\tnever\tget\ta chance\tto\tbenefit\tfrom\tmy\tinsight\tif\tI\tnever\tfinished\tthe\tbook. Once\tI\tgave\tup\tthe\tbelief\tthat\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\thad\tto\tbe\tperfect,\tthings began\tto\tfall\tinto\tplace.\tI\tcompleted\tthe\tbook.\tClients\treported\tthat\tit\twas changing\ttheir\tlives.\tTherapists\tbegan\tto\trequest\tcopies\tfor\ttheir\tclients.\tRadio talk\tshow\thosts\tand\tnewspaper\tand\tmagazine\twriters\tbegan\tcontacting\tme\tfor interviews.\tI\thired\tan\tagent.\tPublishers\tbegan\tpursuing\tme. Trying\tto\tdo\tit\tright\tonly\tsucked\tthe\tlife\tout\tof\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tLetting go\tand\tletting\tit\tjust\tbe\t\\\"good\tenough\\\"\tset\tme\tfree\tto\tembrace\tmy\tpassion\tand create\tsomething\tof\tlasting\tvalue.\tThis\tsame\tprinciple\tapplies\tto\tevery\tarea\tof the\trecovering\tNice\tGuy's\tlife. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#42 How\tdoes\tyour\tperfectionism\tor\tneed\tto\tdo\tit\tright\tget\tin\tthe\tway\tof realizing\tyour\tpassion\tand\tpotential?\tPick\tone\tthing\tthat\tyou\thave\talways","wanted\tto\tdo:\tWrite\ta\tbook,\tturn\tyour\thobby\tinto\ta\tbusiness,\tmove,\tgo\tback to\tschool,\tfully\tembrace\ta\ttalent. Now,\task\tyourself\tthe\tquestion:\tIf\tyou\tknew\tahead\tof\ttime\tthat\tthis endeavor\twould\tbe\ta\tsuccess,\twould\tyou\thesitate\tto\tdo\tit?\tWould\tthis knowledge\tset\tyou\tfree\tfrom\tthe\tbelief\tthat\tyou\thave\tto\tdo\tit\tperfectly? Would\tthis\tknowledge\tmotivate\tyou\tto\tget\tstarted\tor\tcomplete\twhat\tyou have\talready\tbegun?\tWhat\trisks\twould\tyou\tbe\twilling\tto\ttake\tif\tyou\tknew ahead\tof\ttime\tthat\tthere\twas\tno\tway\tfor\tyou\tto\tfail? What\tare\tyou\twaiting\tfor?\tLet\tgo\tof\tthe\tneed\tto\tdo\tit\tperfectly\tand\tjust\tdo it! \t ***************************** Learning\tTo\tAsk\tFor\tHelp\tAllows\tNice\tGuys\tTo\tGet\tthe\tLife\tThey\tWant A\tmajor\treason\tNice\tGuys\tfrequently\tfail\tto\tlive\tup\tto\ttheir\tpotential\tis\tthat\tthey believe\tthey\thave\tto\tdo\teverything\tthemselves.\tPhil\tis\ta\tgood\texample. Phil's\tgoal\tin\tlife\twas\tto\tbe\trich.\tHe\tseemed\tto\thave\ta\tlot\tof\tthings\tgoing\tfor\thim: He\twas\tgood\tlooking,\tintelligent,\toutgoing,\tand\tfunny.\tYet\tPhil\talways\tseemed to\tfall\tway\tshort\tof\tachieving\this\tlofty\tgoals\tand\tdreams.\tA\tnumber\tof\tthings\tgot in\tthe\tway\t\u2014\ttaking\tshortcuts,\tprocrastination,\tand\tinsecurities\tabout\twhether\the deserved\tto\tget\twhat\the\treally\twanted. Perhaps\tPhil's\tgreatest\troadblock\twas\this\tdifficulty\tasking\tpeople\tfor\thelp.\tPhil had\ta\tnumber\tof\tfaulty\tcore\tbeliefs\tabout\tpeople\thelping\thim.\tHe\tdidn't\tbelieve he\tdeserved\tto\tget\twhat\the\twanted.\tHe\tdidn't\tbelieve\this\tneeds\twere\timportant\tto other\tpeople.\tHe\tbelieved\tthe\tsurest\tway\tnot\tto\tget\this\tneeds\tmet\twas\tto\task\tin clear\tand\tdirect\tways. One\tday\tin\this\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tmen's\tgroup,\tPhil\twas\tlamenting\tabout the\tlack\tof\tsex\tin\this\trelationship\twith\this\twife.\tI\tasked\tPhil\tif\the\tasked\this\twife to\thave\tsex\twith\thim.\tHe\tsaid\t\\\"no.\\\"\tI\tasked\thim\tif\the\tbelieved\this\twife\twanted\tto have\tsex\twith\thim.\tTo\tthis\the\talso\treplied\tin\tthe\tnegative.","I\ttold\tPhil\tthat\tI\tthought\this\tlack\tof\tsex\twas\tsymptomatic\tof\ta\tbigger\tproblem\tin his\tlife\t\u2014\thim\tnot\tthinking\this\tneeds\twere\timportant\tand\tnot\tbelieving\tthat\tother people\twanted\tto\thelp\thim\tmeet\this\tneeds.\tI\tsuggested\tthat\tchanging\this\tbeliefs about\this\tsexual\tneeds\tmight\tbe\tthe\tplace\tto\tbegin\tchanging\tcore\tbeliefs\tthat prevented\thim\tfrom\thaving\tother\tthings\the\twanted\tin\tlife. \t The\tnext\tweek,\tPhil\twas\tgrinning\tfrom\tear\tto\tear.\t\\\"My\twife\tand\tI\thad\tsex,\\\"\the beamed.\tThe\tgroup\tshared\tin\this\tenthusiasm.\tThey\twanted\tto\tknow\thow\tit happened.\t\\\"I\tasked,\\\"\twas\tPhil's\tsimple\treply. I\tquestioned\tPhil\thow\this\twife\tfelt\tabout\thaving\tsex\twith\thim.\t\\\"She\twas\tfine about\tit,\\\"\the\treplied.\t\\\"She\tsaid\tshe\tlikes\thaving\tsex\twith\tme,\tbut\tthat\tI\thadn't asked\tin\ta\tlong\ttime\tso\tshe\tdidn't\tthink\tI\twas\tinterested.\\\" A\tweek\tlater,\tPhil\ttold\tthe\tgroup\the\twas\tdreading\tasking\this\tfather-in-law\tto borrow\tmoney\tto\tget\tthe\told\tsingle-pane\twindows\treplaced\ton\this\thouse.\tSome of\tthe\tgroup\tmembers\tbegan\tasking\tquestions\tabout\tthe\tcost.\tSome\tshared\tthat they\thad\tdone\tthat\tkind\tof\tproject\tbefore.\tI\tsuggested\tthat\tPhil\task\tthe\tgroup\tto help\thim.\tIt\twas\tlike\tpulling\tteeth,\tbut\tPhil\tasked\tthe\tmen\tif\tthey\twould\thelp\thim replace\this\twindows.\tThe\tmembers\tof\tthe\tgroup\tresponded\tunanimously\tthat they\twould\tbe\tglad\tto.\tAbout\ta\tmonth\tlater\tthe\tmen\tgot\ttogether\tat\tPhil's\thouse and\thad\tthe\tequivalent\tof\tan\told\tfashion\tbarn-raising. These\ttwo\texperiences\thad\ta\ttremendous\timpact\ton\tPhil.\tHe\tbegan\tto\tsee\tthat his\tneeds\twere\timportant,\tthat\tpeople\twanted\tto\thelp\thim\tmeet\this\tneeds,\tand that\tthe\tsurest\tway\tof\tgetting\tpeople\tto\thelp\twas\tto\task. Phil\tbegan\tto\tbuild\ton\tthis\tnew\tparadigm.\tWithin\ta\tfew\tweeks\the\tshared\ta\tplan with\tthe\tgroup\tto\tstart\this\town\tbusiness.\tA\tfriend\tof\tthe\tfamily\thad\toffered\tto help\thim\tget\tstarted\tin\this\town\tlandscaping\tbusiness.\tThis\tprospect\tespecially excited\thim\tbecause\tthe\tseasonal\twork\twould\tallow\thim\tto\tteach\tsnowboarding during\tthe\twinter\t\u2014\ta\tlife\tlong\tdream. An\told\tfriend\toffered\tto\tbe\this\tfinancial\tbacker.\tHis\twife\tvolunteered\tto\tlook\tfor a\tjob\tthat\tpaid\thealth\tinsurance\tbenefits.\tMen\tin\tthe\tgroup\toffered\tto\thelp\thim write\ta\tbusiness\tplan\tand\tset\tup\this\tbookkeeping. As\tlong\tas\tPhil\ttried\tto\tdo\teverything\thimself,\the\tstruggled\tto\tget\twhat\the","wanted.\tOnce\the\tstarted\tasking\tfor\thelp\tand\tletting\tpeople\tbe\tthere\tfor\thim,\this life\tbegan\tto\tturn\taround.\tHe\tis\tnow\theaded\tin\tthe\tdirection\tof\tcreating\tthe\tkind of\tlife\tand\tvocation\the\thas\talways\tdreamed\tof. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#43 Do\tyou\tbelieve\tyour\tneeds\tare\timportant?\tDo\tyou\tbelieve\tother\tpeople\twant to\thelp\tyou\tmeet\tyour\tneeds? On\ta\tsheet\tof\tpaper,\tmake\ta\tlist\tof\thelpers\tyou\thave\tin\tyour\tlife\tright\tnow. These\tcan\tbe\tfriends\tand\tfamily\tmembers.\tThey\tcan\tbe\tprofessionals\tsuch as\tdoctors,\tlawyers,\ttherapists,\tand\tCPAs. After\tmaking\tthe\tlist,\tanswer\tthe\tfollowing\tquestions: \t \t What\tkind\tof\thelpers\tdo\tyou\tstill\tneed? How\tcan\tyou\tuse\tthese\thelpers\tmore\teffectively? How\tdo\tyou\tprevent\tthese\tpeople\tfrom\thelping\tyou? Start\tlooking\tfor\topportunities\tto\task\tthese\tpeople\tfor\thelp.\tBuild\tnetworks. Before\tasking\tfor\thelp,\trepeat\tthe\taffirmation:\tThis\tperson\twants\tto\thelp\tme get\tmy\tneeds\tmet. \t *****************************","Identifying\tSelf-Sabotaging\tBehaviors\tAllows\tNice\tGuys\tTo\tGet\tthe\tLife They\tWant As\tmentioned\tearlier\tin\tthe\tchapter,\tNice\tGuys\tfind\tnumerous\tcreative\tways\tto sabotage\ttheir\tsuccess\tin\tlife.\tThey\twaste\ttime,\tthey\tprocrastinate,\tthey\tstart things\tbut\tdon't\tfinish,\tthey\tspend\ttoo\tmuch\ttime\tfixing\tother\tpeople's\tproblems, they\tdistract\tthemselves\twith\ttrivial\tpursuits,\tthey\tcreate\tchaos,\tthey\tmake excuses. Sal\tis\ta\tgood\texample\tof\tthis.\tSal\twas\traised\tby\ta\tpassive\tfather\tand\ta schizophrenic\tmother.\tNeither\tparent\twas\tavailable\tto\tpay\tattention\tto\thim\tor meet\this\tneeds.\tAt\ta\tyoung\tage\the\thad\tto\ttake\tresponsibility\tfor\tthe\twelfare\tof his\tyounger\tbrother.\tSal\thad\tvirtually\tno\toptions\tas\ta\tchild.\tWhen\the\tfelt frightened\tor\toverwhelmed,\the\twould\tjust\thunker\tdown\tand\ttrudge\tahead\twith dogged\tdetermination. As\tan\tadult,\tSal\tran\ta\tbody\tshop\tfor\this\tuncle.\tHis\tuncle\twas\ta\tcheap, shortsighted,\tmarginally\tinvolved\tbusiness\towner.\tIt\twas\tSal's\tjob\tto\tcreate\ta profitable\tbusiness\twith\tthe\tlimited\tresources\tand\tdissatisfied\temployees\this uncle\tprovided.\t(Sal\tactually\toperated\ton\tthe\tassumption\tthat\tthis\tfeat\tcould\tbe successfully\taccomplished!) Every\tweek\twhen\tSal\tcame\tto\tmen's\tgroup,\this\tfirst\torder\tof\tbusiness\twas\tto\tpop a\tcouple\tof\tTylenol\tto\tquiet\tthe\tstress\theadache\tcreated\tby\ttrying\tto\tnegotiate\tan impossible\tsituation\tat\twork.\tOn\tone\toccasion\tI\tasked\tSal\tif\the\twanted\tto explore\toptions\tfor\this\twork\tsituation.\t\\\"What's\tthe\tuse?\\\"\the\treplied.\t\\\"There's nothing\tthat\tcan\tbe\tdone.\\\" For\tabout\tfifteen\tminutes,\tgroup\tmembers\tasked\tquestions\tand\tproposed\toptions. Sal\tlooked\tlike\ta\tman\tundergoing\ta\troot\tcanal\twith\tno\tanesthetic. \\\"Could\tyou\ttalk\twith\tyour\tuncle\tand\tlet\thim\tknow\thow\tdifficult\tyour\tjob\tis\twith the\tresources\the\tgives\tyou?\\\" \\\"I've\ttried\tthat.\tHe\tdoesn't\tcare.\\\" \\\"Could\tyou\toffer\tprofit\tsharing\tto\tmotivate\tyour\temployees?\\\"","\\\"My\tuncle\tis\ttoo\tcheap.\tHe\twould\tnever\tgo\tfor\tit.\\\" \\\"Could\tyou\thire\tan\tassistant\tto\thelp\twith\tthe\twork\tload?\\\" \\\"We\ttried\tthat\tonce\tand\tit\tdidn't\twork\tout.\\\" \\\"Could\tyou\tget\tout\tof\tmanagement\tand\tgo\tback\tto\tpainting\tcars?\\\" \\\"I\twould\tmake\tmore\tmoney\tbut\tit\tis\ttoo\ttoxic.\\\" \\\"Could\tyou\tget\tout\tof\tthe\tauto\tbody\tbusiness\tand\tdo\tsomething\telse?\\\" \\\"Like\twhat?\tI've\tgot\ta\tmortgage,\ta\twife,\tand\ttwo\tkids.\tHow\tam\tI\tsupposed\tto start\tover\tnow?\\\" \\\"What\tis\tyour\tpassion,\tyour\tdream\tjob?\\\" This\ttime,\tSal\tpaused\tfor\ta\tmoment\tbefore\tanswering.\t\\\"I've\talways\twanted\tto teach\tmartial\tarts.\tThere\tis\tno\tway\tit\tcould\tever\thappen\tthough.\tI'd\thave\tto\twork evenings\tand\tweekends.\tMy\twife\tjust\twouldn't\tgo\tfor\tthat\tand\tI'd\tbe\taway\tfrom the\tkids\ttoo\tmuch.\\\" With\teach\tquestion\tasked\tand\teach\toption\tproposed,\tSal\tgrew\tnoticeably\ttenser. His\teyes\treflected\ta\tterror\tas\tif\the\twas\tbeing\tinterrogated\tby\tGestapo\tagents\twith cattle\tprods\tand\tice\tpicks.\tWhen\tit\tbecame\tapparent\tthat\texploring\tpossible options\tonly\taggravated\this\tfear\tand\tcaused\thim\tto\tshut\tdown\tfurther,\tthe\tgroup members\tmercifully\tbacked\toff.\tLater,\tSal\treferred\tto\tthe\texperience\tas\t\\\"being reamed\tby\tthe\tgroup.\\\" In\tmost\tsituations,\tNice\tGuys\taren't\tvictims\tto\tothers,\tthey\tvictimize\tthemselves. By\this\tattitudes\tand\tactions,\tSal\tall\tbut\tguaranteed\tthat\the\twould\tnever experience\tany\tkind\tof\tsuccess\tor\tsatisfaction\tin\this\tjob.\tIt\twas\tmuch\tmore familiar\tand\tcomfortable\tto\tstay\tstuck\tin\ta\tstressful,\tno-win\tsituation. Every\tNice\tGuy\twith\twhom\tI\thave\tworked\thas\tat\tsome\tpoint\thad\tto\tmake\ta conscious\tdecision\tto\tstop\tsabotaging\thimself.\tThis\tis\ta\tcrucial\taspect\tin recovery\tfrom\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome.\tIn\torder\tto\tstart\tgetting\twhat\tthey\twant in\tlife,\twork,\tand\tcareer,\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\thave\tto\tmake\tthe\tconscious decision\tto\tget\tout\tof\ttheir\town\tway.","One\tway\tof\tdoing\tthis\tis\tby\tchanging\tthe\tway\tthey\tthink\tabout\tchange.\tThis begins\twith\tNice\tGuys\tbecoming\taware\tof\twhy\tthey\tunconsciously\tcreate\tso many\tbarriers\tthat\tkeep\tthem\tfeeling\tstuck.\tA\tmortgage,\ta\twife,\ta\tlack\tof\ta degree,\tdebt,\tchildren\t\u2014\tare\tall\tjust\texcuses.\tMaking\tsignificant\tlife\tchanges doesn't\trequire\tchucking\tall\tthese\tthings.\tIt\tmeans\tseeing\tthem\tfor\twhat\tthey really\tare\t\u2014excuses\t\u2014\tand\ttaking\tsmall\tsteps\tin\tthe\tdirection\tone\twants\tto\tbe going. \t For\texample,\tSal\tcould\tbegin\tteaching\tmartial\tarts\tone\tevening\tper\tweek.\tHe could\tbegin\tworking\tat\tpaying\tdown\tpersonal\tdebt\tto\tenable\thim\tto\tchange\tjobs in\tthe\tfuture.\tHe\tcould\trefocus\ttime\tspent\ton\ttrivial,\tunsatisfying\tactivities. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#44 Identify\thow\tyou\tsabotage\tyourself.\tOnce\tyou\thave\tidentified\tyour\tpatterns, determine\twhat\tyou\thave\tto\tdo\tdifferently\tto\tget\twhat\tyou\treally\twant. Review\teach\titem\tbelow\tand\tidentify\tspecific\tbehaviors\tthat\twill\thelp\tyou stop\tsabotaging\tyourself\tand\tachieve\tyour\tgoals. Focus Do\tit\tnow Accept\t\\\"good\tenough\\\"\trather\tthan\t\\\"perfect\\\" Finish\twhat\tyou\tstart Don't\tstart\tnew\tprojects\tuntil\tthe\told\tones\tare\tcompletely\tfinished\tDon't make\texcuses","Detach\tfrom\tother\tpeople's\tproblems Share\tyour\tstrategy\twith\ta\tsafe\tperson.\tCheck\tin\twith\tthem\ton\ta\tregular basis\tto\tmonitor\thow\tyou\tare\tdoing\t(failing\tto\tdo\tthis\tpart\twould\tbe\tan effective\tway\tto\tsabotage\tyourself). ***************************** Developing\tA\tMore\tAccurate\tView\tOf\tThe\tWorld\tAllows\tNice\tGuys\tTo\tGet the\tLife\tThey\tWant Ever\twonder\twhy\tother\tpeople\tseem\tto\thave\tso\tmuch\tmore\tthan\tyou\t\u2014\tmore money,\ta\tbetter\tjob,\ta\tnice\tcar,\ta\tprettier\twife?\tDo\tyou\tenvy\tthese\tpeople?\tDo you\tresent\tthem\tfor\thaving\twhat\tyou\tdon't?\tDo\tyou\twonder\twhen\tit\twill\tbe\tyour turn? Due\tto\ttheir\tearly\tlife\texperiences,\tNice\tGuys\ttend\tto\tbe\truled\tby\tdeprivation thinking.\tThey\tbelieve\tthere\tis\tonly\tso\tmuch\tto\tgo\taround,\tand\tif\tsomeone\telse already\thas\ta\tlot,\tthere\tis\tless\tfor\tthem. \t Nice\tGuys\thave\ta\tdifficult\ttime\tcomprehending\tthat\twe\tlive\tin\tan\tabundant, ever-expanding\tuniverse. They\ttend\tto\tsee\tthe\tgoodies\tas\tbeing\tin\tshort\tsupply.\tThey\thang\ton\ttightly\tto what\tthey've\tgot,\tfearing\tthere\twon't\tbe\tmore\twhen\tit\tis\tgone.\tThey\tbelieve\tthey have\tto\tcontrol\tand\tmanipulate\tto\tensure\tthat\twhat\tlittle\tis\tout\tthere\twon't\tgo away.\tThey\tplay\tit\tsafe,\tnot\ttrusting\tthat\ttheir\tneeds\twill\talways\tbe\tabundantly met. This\tparadigm\tof\tscarcity\tcan\tbe\tillustrated\tby\ta\tNice\tGuy\tnamed\tRussell.\tAs\ta successful\tsalesman,\tRussell\tearned\ta\tcomfortable\tsix-figure\tincome.\tHe religiously\tput\tforty\tpercent\tof\this\ttake\thome\tpay\tinto\tsavings\tand\tinvestments. He\tkept\ta\tminimum\tbalance\tof\t$30,000\tin\this\tchecking\taccount.\tIn\tspite\tof\this ability\tto\tcreate\tfinancial\twealth,\tRussell\twas\tcontrolled\tby\this\tdeprivation thinking.\tRussell\twas\tso\tafraid\tof\tfinancial\truin\tthat\the\twould\tnot\tallow\this\twife to\tbuy\ta\t$9.00\tvideo\tfor\this\tchildren\tat\tCostco\tif\tit\twasn't\tin\tthe\tbudget.","Russell's\tdeprivation\tthinking\tin\tregard\tto\tmoney\twas\ta\treflection\tof\this\tview\tof the\tworld\tin\tgeneral. His\tfather\twas\tmiserly\tand\trigid.\tHe\tseemed\tto\tsingle\tRussell\tout\tfor\tcritical treatment,\twhile\theaping\tpraise\tand\tfavor\ton\this\ttwo\tbrothers.\tLater,\tbefore\the died,\this\tfather\tcut\tRussell\tout\tof\this\twill\tand\tgave\tRussell's\tshare\tto\tthe\tchurch. It\tis\tno\twonder\tthat\tRussell\tviewed\tthe\tworld\tthrough\tlenses\tclouded\tby deprivation. When\twe\tcome\tto\tsee\tthe\tworld\tas\ta\tplace\tof\tabundance\twe\tcome\tto\trealize\tthat there\tis\tplenty\tfor\teveryone.\tEverything\twe\tneed\tis\tflowing\tby\tus\t\u2014\tall\twe\thave to\tdo\tis\tget\tout\tof\tthe\tway\tof\tour\town\tsmall\tthinking\tand\tlet\tit\tcome. Look\taround\tat\tthe\twealth\t\u2014\tthe\tcars\tpeople\tdrive,\tthe\thouses\tthey\tlive\tin,\tthe trips\tthey\ttake.\tYou\tcan't\targue\twith\tthe\tsheer\tmaterial\tabundance\tthat\tcan\tbe created\tin\tour\tworld.\tIf\tother\tpeople\tare\tliving\tfull,\tabundant\tlives,\twhy\tnot\tyou? Remember,\twhat\tone\tman\tcan\tdo\tanother\tman\tcan\tdo. If\tone\tman\tcan\tmake\ta\tmillion\tdollars,\twhy\tcan't\tyou? If\tone\tman\tcan\tstart\tthe\tbusiness\tof\this\tdreams,\twhy\tcan't\tyou? If\tone\tman\tcan\tdrive\ta\tMercedes,\twhy\tcan't\tyou? If\tone\tman\tcan\tquit\ta\tcrummy\tjob\tand\tfind\ta\tbetter\tone,\twhy\tcan't\tyou? If\tone\tman\tcan\tbe\ta\tsnowboarding\tinstructor,\twhy\tcan't\tyou? Unfortunately,\tthe\tworld\tcan't\tgive\tus\tsomething\tthat\twe're\tnot\tready\tto\treceive. Since\tdeprivation\tthinking\tkeeps\ta\tperson\tholding\ttightly\tto\twhat\the\talready\thas, there\tis\tno\treceptivity\tfor\treceiving\tmore. As\tPhil\tfound\tout,\twhen\twe\task\tfor\twhat\twe\twant,\tand\texpect\tto\treceive\tit,\tit will\tcome\tone\tway\tor\tanother.","***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#45 Set\tthis\tebook\tdown\tfor\ta\tfew\tmoments\tand\tclose\tyour\teyes.\tTake\ta\tcouple of\tdeep\tbreaths\tand\texhale\tslowly.\tClear\tyour\tmind. Once\tyou\tare\trelaxed,\tpicture\tyourself\tliving\tin\tan\tabundant\tworld.\tIn\tthis abundant\tworld,\tthere\tare\tno\trestraints\tor\tlimitations.\tGood\tthings\tflow past\tyou\tcontinuously.\tImagine\tevery\tabundant\tthing\tyou\thave\tever\tdesired \u2014\tcar,\thome,\tfriends,\tlove,\tjoy,\twealth,\tsuccess,\tpeace\tof\tmind,\tchallenge. Visualize\tyourself\tliving\tyour\tlife\tsurrounded\tby\tthis\tabundance. Repeat\tthis\tvisualization\tseveral\ttimes\ta\tday\tuntil\tit\tbegins\tto\tfeel\treal\tto you.\tOpen\tyour\tarms,\tyour\theart,\tand\tyour\tmind.\tGet\tout\tof\tthe\tway,\tand let\tit\thappen. \t ***************************** Get\tthe\tLife\tYou\tWant:\tThe\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tStrategy\tFor\tSuccess Nice\tGuys\tbelieve\tthere\tis\ta\tset\tof\trules\tthat\tgovern\tall\tbehavior.\tThey\tare convinced\tthat\tif\tthey\tcan\tfigure\tout\tthese\trules\tand\tsuccessfully\tabide\tby\tthem, they\twill\thave\ta\tsmooth,\thappy\tlife.\tThey\talso\tbelieve\tthat\tthere\tare\tdire consequences\tfor\tfailing\tto\tdiscern\tand\tobey\tthese\trules. Discovering\tpassion\tand\tpurpose\trequires\tfiguring\tout\twhat\tworks\tand\twhat doesn't.\tMature,\tsuccessful\tpeople\testablish\ttheir\town\trules.\tThese\trules\tare measured\tby\tonly\tone\tstandard:\tDo\tthey\twork? Over\tthe\tyears,\tthe\tmen\tin\tmy\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tgroups\thave\tdiscovered\ta number\tof\trules\tthat\twork\tfor\tthem.\tThese\trules\thave\thelped\tthem\tdiscover\ttheir passion\tand\tlive\tup\tto\ttheir\tpotential.\tThese\trules\thave\thelped\tthem\tcreate\tthe kind\tof\tlife\tand\tvocation\tthey\treally\tdesire.","***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#46 Read\tover\tthe\tlist\tof\trules\tbelow.\tTry\ta\tfew\tof\tthem\ton\tfor\tsize.\tAdd\tto\tthe list\tyour\town\tpersonal\trules.\tWrite\tthese\trules\ton\tnote\tcards\tand\tput\tthem where\tyou\tcan\tsee\tthem\tevery\tday. 1.\tIf\tit\tfrightens\tyou,\tdo\tit. \t 2.\tDon't\tsettle.\tEvery\ttime\tyou\tsettle,\tyou\tget\texactly\twhat\tyou\tsettled\tfor. 3.\tPut\tyourself\tfirst. 4.\tNo\tmatter\twhat\thappens,\tyou\twill\thandle\tit. 5.\tWhatever\tyou\tdo,\tdo\tit\t100%. 6.\tIf\tyou\tdo\twhat\tyou\thave\talways\tdone,\tyou\twill\tget\twhat\tyou\thave\talways got. 7.\tYou\tare\tthe\tonly\tperson\ton\tthis\tplanet\tresponsible\tfor\tyour\tneeds,\twants, and\thappiness. 8.\tAsk\tfor\twhat\tyou\twant. 9.\tIf\twhat\tyou\tare\tdoing\tisn't\tworking,\ttry\tsomething\tdifferent. 10.\tBe\tclear\tand\tdirect. 11.\tLearn\tto\tsay\t\\\"no.\\\" 12.\tDon't\tmake\texcuses.","13.\tIf\tyou\tare\tan\tadult,\tyou\tare\told\tenough\tto\tmake\tyour\town\trules. 14.\tLet\tpeople\thelp\tyou. 15.\tBe\thonest\twith\tyourself. 16.\tDo\tnot\tlet\tanyone\ttreat\tyou\tbadly.\tNo\tone.\tEver. 17.\tRemove\tyourself\tfrom\ta\tbad\tsituation\tinstead\tof\twaiting\tfor\tthe\tsituation to\tchange. 18.\tDon't\ttolerate\tthe\tintolerable\t\u2014\tever. 19.\tStop\tblaming.\tVictims\tnever\tsucceed. 20.\tLive\twith\tintegrity.\tDecide\twhat\tfeels\tright\tto\tyou,\tthen\tdo\tit. 21.\tAccept\tthe\tconsequences\tof\tyour\tactions. \t 22.\tBe\tgood\tto\tyourself. 23.\tThink\t\\\"abundance.\\\" 24.\tFace\tdifficult\tsituations\tand\tconflict\thead\ton. 25.\tDon't\tdo\tanything\tin\tsecret. 26.\tDo\tit\tnow. 27.\tBe\twilling\tto\tlet\tgo\tof\twhat\tyou\thave\tso\tyou\tcan\tget\twhat\tyou\twant. 28.\tHave\tfun.\tIf\tyou\tare\tnot\thaving\tfun,\tsomething\tis\twrong. 29.\tGive\tyourself\troom\tto\tfail.\tThere\tare\tno\tmistakes,\tonly\tlearning experiences. 30.\tControl\tis\tan\tillusion.\tLet\tgo;\tlet\tlife\thappen.","***************************** It\tis\ttime\tto\tstart\tgetting\twhat\tyou\twant.\tBreaking\tfree\tfrom\tthe\tNice\tGuy Syndrome\twill\tallow\tyou\tto\tdiscover\tyour\ttrue\tpassion\tand\tpotential.\tBy\ttaking responsibility\tfor\tcreating\tthe\tkind\tof\tlife\tyou\treally\twant,\tyou\tcan\tbecome\tall that\tyou\twere\tmeant\tto\tbe.","Epilogue It\ttook\tme\tsix\tyears\tto\twrite\tthis\tbook.\tDuring\tthis\ttime\tI\thave\tworked\twith countless\tNice\tGuys\tand\ttheir\tpartners.\tI\thave\taveraged\tthree\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice Guy!\tmen's\tgroups\tper\tweek.\tIn\tgroup\ttime\talone,\tthat's\tover\t1,800\thours\tof working\twith\tNice\tGuys.\tDuring\tthis\ttime\tI\thave\tobserved\tmany\texciting\tand profound\tthings. I\thave\twatched\tcountless\tmen\tgo\tfrom\tbeing\thelpless,\tpassive,\tcontrolling,\tand resentful\tvictims\tto\tbecoming\tempowered,\tintegrated\tmales. I\thave\tseen\tnumerous\trelationships\tdramatically\timprove\tand\tI've\tseen\tjust\tas many\tdie\tan\toverdue\tdeath. I've\tlistened\tto\tunsolicited\ttestimonials\tand\tread\tletters\tof\tgratitude\tfrom\tboth men\tand\twomen\tabout\tthe\tchanges\tthey\thave\texperienced\tin\ttheir\tlives. I\thave\treceived\tresponses\tfrom\tmen\tand\twomen\tall\tover\tthe\tworld\twho\thave seen\tthemselves\tor\tsomeone\tthey\tlove\tin\tthe\tdescription\tof\tthe\tNice\tGuy\ton\tmy website. Based\ton\tobserving\tall\tof\tthese\tthings,\there\tis\tmy\tgreatest\tdiscovery:\tThe\ttools and\tinsights\tpresented\tin\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\twork! Having\tfinished\treading\tthis\tbook,\tI\tencourage\tyou\tto\tstart\tagain\tat\tthe beginning.\tTake\tthe\ttime\tto\tdo\tthe\tBreaking\tFree\texercises.\tIf\tyou\thave\tnot already\tdone\tso,\tfind\ta\tsafe\tperson\tor\tgroup\tto\tassist\tyou\ton\tyour\tjourney\tof recovery\tfrom\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome.\tIf\tyou\tare\tin\ta\trelationship,\task\tyour partner\tto\tread\tthe\tbook.\tShare\twith\thim\tor\ther\tthe\tinsights\tyou\tare\tdiscovering about\tyourself. Working\tthe\tprogram\tof\trecovery\tpresented\tin\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tis\tone\tof the\tgreatest\tgifts\tyou\tcan\tgive\tyourself\tand\tyour\tloved\tones.\tAs\tyou\tlearn\tto approve\tof\tyourself\tyou\twill\tdiscover\twithin\tyou\tan\tunimaginable\tability\tto\tlove and\taccept\tlove\tand\tto\tlive\tlife\tto\tits\tfullest.\tThis\tkind\tof\texpansiveness\tis","initially\tfrightening,\tbut\tit\tis\tthe\tessence\tof\twho\tyou\tare\tand\twhat\tyou\tare\tmeant to\tbe. With\tthis\tdiscovery\tof\tyour\ttrue\tself\tcomes\tunlimited\tfreedom.\tFreedom\tto\tbe just\twho\tyou\tare. Freedom\tto\tstop\tseeking\tapproval.\tFreedom\tto\tstart\tgetting\twhat\tyou\twant. \t Dr.\tGlover\toffers\tnumerous\tresources\tfor\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\ton\this\twebsite www.NoMoreMrNiceGuy.com.\tThese\tinclude: \t Printed\tmaterials\tand\taudio\trecordings. Free\tonline\tsupport\tgroups. Therapy\tgroups\tfor\tmen. Long\tdistance\tcounseling\tby\tphone\tand\temail. Seminars,\tworkshops,\tand\tclasses. Calendar\tof\tcurrent\tevents. A\tquestion\tand\tanswer\tcolumn. Take\tadvantage\tof\tthe\tresources\toffered\ton\tNoMoreMrNiceGuy.com\tand\tstart getting\twhat\tyou\twant\tin\tlove\tand\tlife.","About\tThe\tAuthor Dr.\tRobert\tGlover\tis\tthe\tworld\u2019s\tleading\tauthority\ton\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome, which\tgrew\tout\tof\this\town\tsearch\tfor\tanswers\tto\this\tfrustrations\tin\tlove\tand\tlife. Since\trecognizing\tand\tlabeling\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome\tover\tten\tyears\tago,\tDr. Glover\thas\tspent\tthousands\tof\thours\tworking\twith\thundreds\tof\tNice\tGuys\tand their\tpartners.\tIn\taddition\tto\tworking\twith\tthese\tmen\tin\tindividual\tand\tcouples therapy,\tDr.\tGlover\tleads\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\ttherapy\tgroups\tand\tconducts seminars\taround\tthe\tcountry\ton\tBreaking\tFree\tFrom\tThe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome. His\twebsite,\twww.NoMoreMrNiceGuy.com,\tpresents\tresources\tto\tassist\tmen\tin their\trecovery.\tDr.\tGlover\tis\ta\tfrequent\tguest\ton\tradio\ttalk\tshows\tand\thas\tbeen featured\tin\tnumerous\tpublications,\tincluding\tEsquire\tMagazine. Dr.\tGlover,\ta\tCertified\tMarriage\tand\tFamily\tTherapist,\twith\ta\tdoctorate\tin Marriage\tand\tFamily\tTherapy,\tis\tmarried\tto\tElizabeth\tOreskovich,\talso\ta psychotherapist.\tTogether\tthey\tco-direct\tthe\tCenter\tFor\tHealing\tAnd\tRecovery. They\thave\tfour\tchildren\tand\tmake\ttheir\thome\tin\tTacoma,\tWashington. *********************************","NO\tMORE MR.\tNICE\tGUY! A\tProven\tPlan\tfor\tGetting\tWhat\tYou\tWant\tIn\tLove,\tSex\tand\tLife\tRobert\tA. Glover,\tPh.D. \t Copyright\t\u00a9\t2000\tby\tRobert\tA.\tGlover\tThis\tedition\tpublished\tby\tBarnes\t& Noble\tDigital,\tby\tarrangement\twith\tRobert\tA.\tGlover\tAll\trights\treserved.\tNo part\tof\tthis\tbook\tmay\tbe\tused\tor\treproduced\tin\tany\tmanner\twhatsoever\twithout the\twritten\tpermission\tof\tthe\tPublisher. 2001\tBarnes\t&\tNoble\tDigital\tISBN\t1-4014-0001-9 The\tmen\tand\twomen\tdescribed\tin\tthis\tbook\tare\treal. Names\tand\tcircumstances\thave\tbeen\tchanged\tto\tprotect\tthe\tconfidentiality\tof each\tindividual. Additional\tresources\tfor\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tare\tavailable\tat www.NoMoreMrNiceGuy.com"]
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