["***************************** \t Hiding\tThe\tEvidence Nice\tGuys\tfind\tmany\tcreative\tways\tto\tcover\tup\ttheir\tperceived\tflaws\tand mistakes.\tThese\tinclude:\t Lying Most\tNice\tGuys\tpride\tthemselves\ton\tbeing\thonest\tand\ttrustworthy.\tIronically, Nice\tGuys\tare\tfundamentally\tdishonest.\tNice\tGuys\twill\ttell\tlies,\tpartial\ttruths, and\tomit\tinformation\tif\tthey\tbelieve\tit\twill\tprevent\tsomeone\tfrom\tfocusing\ton them\tin\ta\tnegative\tway. Drawing\tOn\tTheir\tAccount Since\tNice\tGuys\tstrive\tso\thard\tto\tbe\tgood,\tgiving,\tand\tcaring,\tthey\tbelieve\tthese acts\tshould\tbuild\tup\ta\tcredit\tthat\twipes\tclean\tany\twrong\tthey\tmight\tdo.\tPart\tof the\tNice\tGuy's\tbelief\tis\tthat\tif\the\tdoes\tmost\tthings\tright,\tno\tone\tshould\tever notice\tthe\tfew\tthings\t(if\tany)\the\tdoes\twrong. Fixing Mature\tpeople\ttake\tresponsibility\tfor\ttheir\tactions.\tWhen\tthey\tmake\ta\tmistake\tor act\tinappropriately,\tthey\tapologize,\tmake\tamends,\tor\trepair\tthe\tdamage. Conversely,\tNice\tGuys\ttry\tto\tfix\tsituations\tby\tdoing\twhatever\tit\ttakes\tto\tget\tthe other\tperson\tto\tstop\tbeing\tupset. DEER\tResponse DEER\tis\tan\tacronym\tI\tuse\tfor:\tDefend\tExplain\tExcuse\tRationalize.\tThese\tare all\tfear-based\tbehaviors\tused\tto\tdistract\tothers\tfrom\tfocusing\ton\tthe\tNice\tGuy's mistakes\tand\t\\\"badness.\\\"\tThe\tNice\tGuy\tis\tmost\tlikely\tto\tgo\tinto\tthe\tDEER Response\twhen\the\thas\tdone\tsomething\tor\tfailed\tto\tdo\tsomething,\tand\tsomeone","(usually\twife,\tpartner,\tor\tboss)\tconfronts\thim\tand\texpresses\this\tor\ther\tfeelings. Turning\tThe\tTables If\tsomeone\tgets\tangry\tat\ta\tNice\tGuy\tor\tpoints\tout\tsome\tflaw\tor\tmistake,\this shame\twill\tbe\ttriggered.\tIn\tan\tattempt\tto\tdistract\thimself\tand\tthe\tother\tperson from\this\t\\\"badness\\\"\the\tmay\ttry\tto\tturn\tthe\ttables\tand\tdo\tsomething\tto\ttrigger\tthe other\tperson's\tshame.\tI\tcall\tthis\tshame\tdumping.\tThis\tunconscious\tstrategy\tis based\ton\tthe\tbelief\tthat\tif\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tcan\tshift\tthe\tfocus\tto\tthe\tother\tperson's badness,\the\tcan\tslip\tout\tof\tthe\tspotlight.\tTypical\tshame\tdumping\ttechniques include\tblame,\tbringing\tup\tthe\tpast,\tdeflection,\tand\tpointing\tout\tthe\tother person's\tflaws. Walls Nice\tGuys\tbuild\twalls\tthat\tprevent\tothers\tfrom\tgetting\ttoo\tclose. Understandably,\tthis\taffects\ttheir\tability\tto\tbe\tintimate,\tbut\tit\talso\tprotects\tthem from\tthe\tconsequences\tof\tbeing\tfound\tout.\tThese\twalls\tmight\tinclude: Addictions\t(food,\tsex,\tt.v.,\talcohol,\twork,\tetc.),\thumor,\tsarcasm,\tintellectualism, perfectionism,\tand\tisolation. Teflon\tMen As\tmuch\tas\tNice\tGuys\ttry\tto\tlook\tgood\tand\tget\tpeople\tto\tlike\tthem,\tthe\tabove defenses\tkeep\tpeople\tat\tarm's\tlength.\tLike\tmost\tNice\tGuy\tpatterns,\tthese unconscious\tbehaviors\tactually\taccomplish\tthe\texact\topposite\tof\twhat\tthe\tNice Guy\treally\tcraves.\tWhile\tdesiring\tlove\tand\tconnection,\this\tbehaviors\tserve\tas\tan invisible\tforce\tfield\tthat\tkeeps\tpeople\tfrom\tbeing\table\tto\tget\tclose\tto\thim. Nice\tGuys\thave\ta\tdifficult\ttime\tcomprehending\tthat\tin\tgeneral,\tpeople\tare\tnot drawn\tto\tperfection\tin\tothers.\tPeople\tare\tdrawn\tto\tshared\tinterests,\tshared problems,\tand\tan\tindividual's\tlife\tenergy. Humans\tconnect\twith\thumans.\tHiding\tone's\thumanity\tand\ttrying\tto\tproject\tan image\tof\tperfection\tmakes\ta\tperson\tvague,\tslippery,\tlifeless,\tand\tuninteresting.\tI often\trefer\tto\tNice\tGuys\tas\tTeflon\tMen. They\twork\tso\thard\tto\tbe\tsmooth,\tnothing\tcan\tstick\tto\tthem.\tUnfortunately,\tthis Teflon\tcoating\talso\tmakes\tit\tdifficult\tfor\tpeople\tto\tget\tclose.\tIt\tis\tactually\ta person's\trough\tedges\tand\thuman\timperfections\tthat\tgive\tothers\tsomething\tto","connect\twith. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#7 Do\tyou\tbelieve\tthat\tpeople\tcan\tsee\tyour\thuman\timperfections\tand\tstill\tlove you? How\twould\tyou\tbe\tdifferent\tif\tyou\tknew\tthe\tpeople\twho\tcare\tabout\tyou would\tnever\tleave\tyou\tor\tstop\tloving\tyou\t\u2014\tno\tmatter\twhat? \t ***************************** Self-Approval \t Recovery\tfrom\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome\tinvolves\tchanging\tcore\tparadigms. Instead\tof\tseeking\texternal\tvalidation\tand\tavoiding\tdisapproval,\trecovering\tNice Guys\tmust\tbegin\tseeking\tthe\tapproval\tof\tthe\tonly\tperson\twho\treally\tmatters\t\u2014 themselves. Ironically,\twhen\tNice\tGuys\tbegin\tfocusing\ton\tpleasing\tthemselves,\tthey\tactually begin\tto\texperience\tthe\tintimacy\tand\tconnection\twith\tothers\tthat\tthey\thave always\tdesperately\tcraved.\tTo\thelp\tfacilitate\tthis\trecovery\tprocess,\tNice\tGuys can: \t Identify\thow\tthey\tseek\tapproval.","Take\tgood\tcare\tof\tthemselves. Give\tthemselves\tpositive\taffirmations. Spend\textended\tperiods\tof\ttime\talone. Reveal\tthemselves\tto\tsafe\tpeople. Identifying\tApproval-Seeking\tBehavior\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tLearn\tTo\tApprove Of\tThemselves As\todd\tas\tit\tmay\tsound,\tNice\tGuys\thave\tto\tpractice\tbeing\tthemselves.\tOne\tway to\tbegin\tthis\tprocess\tis\tto\tpay\tattention\twhen\ttrying\tto\timpress\tor\tget\tapproval. Recovering\tNice\tGuys\tcan\tobserve\tthemselves\tspending\textra\ttime\ton\ttheir\thair, holding\tthe\tdoor\topen\tfor\tsomeone,\tcleaning\tthe\tkitchen,\tor\twalking\twith\ttheir child\tin\tthe\tpark\t\u2014\tjust\tto\tget\tnoticed\tor\tpraised. As\tthey\tbecome\taware\tof\thow\tmuch\ttime\tand\tenergy\tthey\tspend\ttrying\tto\tgarner approval,\tthey\tcan\tbegin\tliving\tan\tinside-out\tkind\tof\tlife.\tThis\tmeans,\trather\tthan focusing\toutward\tfor\tacceptance\tand\tapproval,\tthey\tturn\tinward.\tIn\tdoing\tso, they\tcan\tbegin\tasking\tthemselves\tthe\timportant\tquestions:\t\\\"What\tdo\tI\twant,\\\" \\\"What\tfeels\tright\tto\tme,\\\"\t\\\"What\twould\tmake\tme\thappy?\\\" Earlier\tin\tthe\tchapter,\tI\tpresented\tCal\tas\tan\tillustration\tof\thow\tNice\tGuys\tuse \\\"attachments\\\"\t\u2014\tthings\toutside\tof\tthemselves\tto\tget\tvalue.\tDuring\ta\tsession\tof individual\ttherapy,\tI\tasked\tCal\tto\tmake\ta\tlist\tof\tthings\the\tused\tto\tget\tapproval from\tothers.\tThe\tnext\tweek\the\tbrought\tin\ta\ttwo-page\tlist.\tI\tencouraged\thim\tto pick\tone\tattachment\tfrom\tthe\tlist\tand\tfor\tthe\tnext\tmonth,\tpay\tattention\tto\thow\the used\tit\tto\tget\tvalue. Cal\tdecided\tto\tfocus\ton\this\tcar.\tCal\tkept\this\tcar\tperfectly\tclean,\tinside\tand\tout. He\tbelieved\tthis\twas\tone\tof\tthe\tthings\tthat\timpressed\tpeople\tand\tmade\tthem\tlike him.\tHe\tmade\ta\tconscious\tdecision\tto\tnot\twash\tor\tvacuum\this\tcar\tfor\tthe\tnext month.\tWhile\tdoing\tso,\the\twould\tpay\tattention\tto\thow\the\tfelt\tand\thow\tpeople responded\tto\thim. Since\tCal\tlives\tin\tthe\tSeattle\tarea,\this\tcar\tsoon\tdeveloped\ta\tgray\thaze\tfrom\train and\troad\tgrime.\tOn\tnumerous\toccasions,\the\thad\tto\tfight\tthe\timpulse\tto\twash\tit. When\the\tdrove\tdown\tthe\troad,\the\twas\tsure\tthat\tpeople\twere\tlooking\tat\this\tfilthy car\tand\tjudging\thim.\tWhen\the\tdrove\tto\twork\tor\ta\tfriend's\thouse,\the\twaited\tfor someone\tto\tshame\thim.\tWhen\this\tdaughter\tdrew\tpictures\tin\tthe\tdirt\twith\ther","finger,\tit\twas\talmost\tmore\tthan\the\tcould\tstand. At\tthe\tend\tof\tthe\tmonth\tCal\twashed\tand\twaxed\this\tcar\tand\tfelt\ta\tsense\tof\trelief. Surprisingly\tenough,\tduring\tthe\tmonth,\tnot\tone\tperson\thad\tcommented\ton\this dirty\tcar\tand\tno\tone\thad\tquit\tliking\thim\tor\tremoved\ttheir\tlove\tfrom\thim. Likewise,\twashing\tand\twaxing\this\tcar\tafter\ta\tmonth\tdidn't\tmake\tanyone\tlike\thim better\tor\tgarner\thim\tany\tnew\tfriends. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#8 Go\tback\tto\tthe\tlist\tof\tapproval-seeking\tbehaviors\tat\tthe\tbeginning\tof\tthis chapter.\tChoose\tone\tof\tthe\tways\tyou\ttry\tto\tget\texternal\tvalidation\tand\tdo one\tof\tthe\tfollowing:\t 1)\tGo\ton\ta\tmoratorium\tfrom\tthis\tbehavior.\tSet\ta\tperiod\tof\ttime\tto\tstop\tdoing it.\tTell\tthe\tpeople\taround\tyou\twhat\tyou\tare\tdoing.\tIf\tyou\tslip,\ttell\ta\tsafe person\tabout\tit.\tUse\tthe\tslip\tas\tinformation\tabout\twhy,\tin\tthat\tparticular moment,\tyou\tfelt\tthe\tneed\tto\tget\texternal\tapproval. 2)\tConsciously\tdo\tmore\tof\tthis\tbehavior.\tThis\tmay\tnot\tmake\tlogical\tsense, but\tit\tis\ta\tpowerful\tway\tto\texplore\tany\tdysfunctional\tbehavior.\tObserve\thow you\tfeel\twhen\tyou\tconsciously\ttry\tharder\tto\tget\texternal\tvalidation. \t ***************************** Taking\tGood\tCare\tof\tthe\tSelf\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tLearn\tTo\tApprove\tOf Themselves","Taking\tgood\tcare\tof\tthe\tself\tis\tessential\tfor\tchanging\tone's\tbelief\tabout\tthe\tself. If\ta\tNice\tGuy\tbelieves\the\tisn't\tworth\tmuch,\this\tactions\ttoward\thimself\twill reflect\tthis\tbelief.\tWhen\ta\trecovering\tNice\tGuy\tbegins\tto\tconsciously\tdo\tgood things\tfor\thimself,\tthese\tactions\timply\tthat\the\tmust\tbe\tworth\tsomething. When\tI\taddress\tthis\tissue\twith\tNice\tGuys,\tthey\tfrequently\tcan't\tthink\tof\tmore than\tone\tor\ttwo\tgood\tthings\tto\tdo\tfor\tthemselves.\tTogether,\twe\twill\toften brainstorm\tand\tmake\ta\tlist\tof\tpossible\tthings\tto\tdo. These\tgood\tthings\tcan\trange\tfrom\tsimple\tacts\tlike\tdrinking\tlots\tof\twater\tor flossing\ttheir\tteeth\tto\tmore\textensive\tthings\tlike\ttaking\ta\ttrip\tor\tbuying\tthe\tcar they\thave\talways\twanted.\tBelow\tare\ta\tfew\tpossibilities: \t Exercise,\twork\tout,\tgo\tfor\ta\twalk. Eat\thealthy\tfood. Get\tenough\tsleep. Relax,\tplay,\tgoof\toff. Get\ta\tmassage. Go\tout\twith\tbuddies. Buy\ta\tnew\tpair\tof\tshoes. Get\tshoes\tpolished. Get\tdental\twork\tdone. Get\ta\tphysical. Listen\tto\tmusic. \t As\tthe\trecovering\tNice\tGuy\tbegins\tto\tdo\tgood\tthings\tfor\thimself,\the\twill\tfeel uncomfortable.\tHe\tmay\tactually\tfeel\tfrightened,\tanxious,\tguilty,\tor\tconfused. These\tfeelings\tare\tthe\tresult\tof\twhat\tis\tcalled\tcognitive\tdissonance. When\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tdoes\tsomething\tgood\tfor\thimself\the\tis\tdoing\tsomething\tthat implies\the\tis\tvaluable. This\twill\tconflict\twith\this\tdeeply\theld\tbelief\tthat\the\tis\tworthless.\tAs\ta\tresult,\the will\texperience\tdissonance\t\u2014\ta\tclashing\tof\ttwo\tcompeting\tmessages.\tIn\ttime, one\tof\tthe\tbeliefs\twill\twin.\tI\tencourage\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tto\tkeep\tbeing good\tto\tthemselves,\tno\tmatter\thow\tfrightening.\tIn\ttime\tthe\tcore\tmessages\tfrom","childhood\tare\treplaced\twith\tnew,\tmore\taccurate\tbeliefs\tthat\treflect\ttheir\tinherent worth. Todd,\tintroduced\tin\tthe\tbeginning\tof\tthe\tchapter,\tspent\tso\tmuch\ttime\ttrying\tto get\tthe\tapproval\tof\tothers\tthat\the\trarely\tdid\tanything\tfor\thimself.\tOn\tthe encouragement\tof\tother\tmen\tin\this\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tgroup,\tTodd\tdecided to\tconsciously\tbegin\tdoing\tthings\tfor\thimself.\tHe\tbegan\tsmall\tby\tbuying\thimself new\tsocks\tand\tunderwear. After\ta\tfew\tweeks\the\tstarted\tan\texercise\tprogram\tand\tbegan\tworking\tout regularly.\tEven\tthough\tit\tmade\thim\tfeel\tguilty,\the\tstarted\tgoing\tto\ta\tmassage therapist\tevery\tother\tweek.\tAfter\tsix\tmonths,\tTodd\tdecided\tto\tspend\t$2,000 dollars\tto\tjoin\ta\tsingles\tactivity\tclub.\tHe\tshared\twith\tthe\tgroup\tthat\teven\tthough he\toccasionally\theard\ta\tlittle\tvoice\tthat\tsaid\the\twasn't\tworth\tit,\tdoing\tso\twas\tone of\tthe\tmost\taffirming\tthings\the\thad\tever\tdone.\tA\tcouple\tof\tmonths\tlater,\the reported\tthat\the\thad\tgone\ton\ttwo\tdates\twith\ttwo\tdifferent\twomen,\tboth\tof\twhom seemed\tto\tlike\thim\tjust\tas\the\twas. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#9 Begin\twith\tthe\tlist\tabove\tand\tadd\tgood\tthings\tthat\tyou\tcan\tdo\tfor\tyourself. Put\tthe\tlist\tup\twhere\tyou\twill\tsee\tit\tand\tchoose\tat\tleast\tone\tthing\tper\tday and\tdo\tit\tfor\tyourself. \t ***************************** Affirming\tSelf\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tLearn\tTo\tApprove\tOf\tThemselves","Positive\taffirmations\tcan\thelp\tchange\tthe\tNice\tGuy's\tcore\tbelief\tabout\thimself. Affirmations\treplace\told,\tinaccurate\tmessages\tabout\tthe\tNice\tGuy's\tworth\twith new,\tmore\trealistic\tones.\tWhen\tused\talone,\tthe\taffects\tof\taffirmations\tare\tusually short-lived.\tThis\tis\tbecause\tthese\tmessages\tare\tcontrary\tto\tthe\toldest,\tdeepest beliefs\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tholds\tabout\thimself.\tAffirmations\tare\tonly\teffective\twhen used\talong\twith\tother\tprocesses\tthat\thelp\tchange\tthe\tNice\tGuy's\tcore\tbeliefs. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#10 Make\ta\tlist\tof\tpositive\taffirmations\tabout\tyourself.\tWrite\tthem\ton\tnote cards\tand\tplace\tthem\twhere\tyou\twill\tsee\tthem\tregularly.\tChange\tthe\tcards often\tso\tthey\tstay\tfresh.\tWhen\tyou\tread\taffirmations,\tclose\tyour\teyes\tand fully\tembrace\tthe\tmeaning\tof\tthe\twords.\tObserve\tany\ttendency\tof\tyour mind\tto\treject\tthe\taffirmations\tin\tfavor\tof\told,\tdeeply\theld\tbeliefs. The\tfollowing\tare\tsome\tpossible\taffirmations: \\\"I\tam\tlovable\tjust\tas\tI\tam.\\\" \\\"I\tam\tperfectly\timperfect.\\\" \\\"My\tneeds\tare\timportant.\\\" \\\"I\tam\ta\tstrong\tand\tpowerful\tperson.\\\" \\\"I\tcan\thandle\tit.\\\" \\\"People\tlove\tand\taccept\tme\tjust\tas\tI\tam.\\\" \\\"It\tis\tOK\tto\tbe\thuman\tand\tmake\tmistakes.\\\" \\\"I\tam\tthe\tonly\tperson\tI\thave\tto\tplease.\\\"","***************************** Spending\tTime\tAlone\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tLearn\tTo\tApprove\tOf\tThemselves \t Spending\textended\ttime\talone\tis\tan\timportant\tprocess\tin\trecovering\tfrom\tthe Nice\tGuy\tSyndrome. When\talone,\tNice\tGuys\tcan\tdiscover\twho\tthey\tare,\twhat\tthey\tlike\tabout themselves,\tand\twhat\trules\tthey\tchoose\tto\tgovern\ttheir\tlives.\tI\tstrongly recommend\tthat\tNice\tGuys\ttake\ttrips\tand\tretreats\tby\tthemselves\tto\tplaces\twhere no\tone\tknows\tthem.\tIn\tthis\tcontext,\tthe\tNice\tGuy\thas\tfewer\treasons\tto\ttry\tto\twin people's\tapproval,\tand\tthere\tis\tless\tof\ta\tneed\tto\ttry\tto\thide\tfaults\tand\tmistakes. While\talone,\tNice\tGuys\tcan\treflect\ton\tthemselves\tand\ttheir\tlife\tdirection.\tIt\tis also\ta\tgood\ttime\tto\tpractice\ttaking\tresponsibility\tfor\tone's\tneeds. When\talone,\tthe\trecovering\tNice\tGuy\tcan\tdo\twhat\the\twants\twithout\thaving\tto please\tor\tcompromise.\tHe\twill\tgo\tto\tbed\tand\tget\tup\twhen\the\twants.\tHe\twill decide\twhen\tand\twhat\tto\teat.\tHe\twill\tdecide\twhere\the\tgoes\tand\twhat\the\tdoes. When\talone\the\twill\tbe\tless\tlikely\tto\tcaretake,\tseek\tapproval,\tsacrifice\tself,\tor\ttry to\tfix\tsomeone's\tproblems. Spending\textended\tperiods\tof\ttime\talone\talso\thelps\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tface their\tnumber\tone\tfear\t\u2014loneliness\tand\tisolation.\tWhen\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tdiscovers that\tspending\ttime\talone\tdoesn't\tkill\thim,\the\tmay\talso\trealize\tthat\the\tdoesn't have\tto\tstay\tin\tbad\trelationships,\ttolerate\tintolerable\tbehavior,\tor\tmanipulate people\tto\ttry\tto\tget\this\tneeds\tmet. This\ttime\talone\tis\tspent\tmost\teffectively\twhen\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tcan\tobserve\this tendency\tto\tdistract\thimself\twith\taddictive\tpatterns\tsuch\tas\tkeeping\tbusy,\tor using\tsex,\tfood,\tor\talcohol\tto\tmedicate.\tWriting\tin\ta\tjournal\tduring\tthese\ttimes can\tbe\tespecially\teffective.\tSome\tof\tthe\tmost\tinsightful\tperiods\tI\thave experienced\tin\tlife\thave\tbeen\tby\tmyself\ton\tweekend\tcamping\ttrips,\tweek-long retreats,\tand\ttimes\twhen\tmy\twife\thas\tbeen\tout\tof\ttown.","***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#11 Plan\ta\tweekend\ttrip\tto\tthe\tmountains\tor\tbeach.\tIf\tpossible,\tplan\ta\tvacation or\tretreat\tfor\ta\tweek\tor\tlonger\tby\tyourself\tto\ta\tplace\twhere\tno\tone\tknows you.\tVisit\ta\tforeign\tcountry\tby\tyourself\tif\tat\tall\tpossible.\tUse\tthis\ttime\tas\tan opportunity\tfor\tself-observation\tand\treflection.\tKeep\ta\tjournal.\tPractice good\tself-care.\tTake\talong\tthis\tbook\tand\tspend\ttime\tdoing\tthe\tBreaking Free\texercises.\tWhen\tyou\treturn\thome,\tobserve\thow\tyou\tare\tdifferent\tand how\tlong\tit\ttakes\tfor\tyou\tto\tbegin\treturning\tto\tfamiliar\tpatterns. ***************************** Revealing\tSelf\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tLearn\tTo\tApprove\tOf\tThemselves \t When\tNice\tGuys\ttry\tto\thide\ttheir\thumanity\tfrom\tothers,\tthey\treinforce\ttheir\tcore belief\tthat\tthey\tare\tbad\tand\tunlovable.\tChanging\tthis\tcore\tbelief\trequires\tthat they\tbring\ttheir\thumanity\tout\tinto\tthe\topen,\trelease\ttheir\ttoxic\tshame,\tand receive\tmore\taccurate\tmessages\tthan\tthe\tones\tinternalized\tin\tchildhood. By\tnecessity,\tthis\tprocess\trequires\ta\tsafe\tperson\tor\tsafe\tpeople. As\tfrightening\tas\tit\tmay\tinitially\tfeel,\tfinding\tthese\tsafe\tpeople\tis\tessential\tfor learning\tto\tapprove\tof\tself.\tThe\trecovering\tNice\tGuy\tcannot\tdo\tthis\tpart\talone. Safe\tpeople\tare\tessential\tfor\treversing\tthe\tdistorted\tbeliefs\tall\tNice\tGuys\thave about\ttheir\tworth. This\tprocess\trequires\tbuilding\ttrust.\tI\tsuggest\tthat\tthe\trecovering\tNice\tGuy\tset\ta regular\ttime\tto\tmeet\twith\this\tsafe\tperson\tor\tgroup,\tand\ta\tlittle\tat\ta\ttime,\tstart","revealing\thimself.\tThis\tprocess\tbegins\tby\tjust\ttalking\tabout\thimself.\tThis\tin itself\tmakes\tmany\tNice\tGuys\tuncomfortable.\tOver\ttime,\tthe\trecovering\tNice Guy\tcan\tbegin\trevealing\tthe\tthings\tabout\thimself\tthat\the\tis\tthe\tleast\tcomfortable letting\tothers\tsee. Once\ttrust\thas\tbeen\testablished,\the\tcan\tbegin\tto\treveal\tthings\tabout\thimself\tthat create\tfear\tand\tshame.\tI\thave\twatched\tmany\tNice\tGuys\tgo\tfrom\tbeing\tsecretive and\tevasive\tto\trevealing\ttheir\tdeepest,\tdarkest\tsecrets\tin\tthe\tpresence\tof\tsafe people. Reid,\ta\trecovering\talcoholic\tand\ta\tmember\tof\ta\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tgroup\tis a\tgood\texample\tof\tthis\tprocess. Reid\tcame\tinto\ta\tgroup\tlate\tone\tevening\tand\tremained\tquiet\tand\tdetached\tfor\tthe first\tthirty\tor\tforty\tminutes.\tReid's\tpattern\tin\tthe\tgroup\twas\tto\teither\tjoin\tin actively\tor\tstay\twithdrawn.\tHis\tquiet\tperiods\twere\toften\ta\tsignal\tthat\the\twas emotionally\tdistraught.\tWhen\tan\topportune\ttime\tarose,\tI\ttold\tReid\tthat\the seemed\twithdrawn\tand\tI\tasked\thow\the\twas\tdoing. Once\tthe\tattention\tof\tthe\tgroup\tfocused\ton\thim,\this\tappearance\tshifted\tfrom detachment\tto\tterror.\t\\\"I\talmost\tdidn't\tcome\ttonight.\\\"\tHe\twhispered\tsoftly\tas\the looked\tdown\tat\this\thands.\t\\\"In\tfact,\tI\twas\tthinking\tabout\tquitting\tthe\tgroup.\\\" A\tcouple\tof\tthe\tguys\treflected\tthe\tconcern\tof\tthe\twhole\tgroup\tby\tasking\twhat was\tgoing\ton. \\\"I\tjust\tfeel\tso\tterrible,\\\"\tReid\tcontinued,\t\\\"I've\tdone\tsomething\tso\tterrible,\tI\tjust didn't\tknow\tif\tI\tcould\tface\tall\tof\tyou.\\\" My\tthoughts\tbegan\tto\trace\tas\tto\twhat\the\tcould\thave\tdone\tthat\tmight\tcause\tthe group\trise\tup\tin\tjudgment\tagainst\thim.\tOne\tof\tthe\tgroup\tmembers\tasked\tif\the was\thaving\tan\taffair. \\\"No,\tworse.\\\"\tReid\tresponded.\t\\\"I've\tdone\tsomething\tso\tterrible,\tI\tdon't\teven know\tif\tI\tcan\ttell\tyou\tabout\tit.\\\" As\tthe\tgroup\toffered\ttheir\tsupport\tand\tencouragement,\tReid\tbroke\tthrough\this fear\tand\tshame\tand\tbegan\tto\topen\tup. \\\"Last\tweek\tI\tgot\treprimanded\tby\tmy\tboss\tand\tthen\tI\tgot\tinto\ta\tfight\twith\tmy","wife.\tI\twas\tso\tdepressed\tthat\tI\twent\tout\tand\tbought\ta\tfifth\tof\tVodka\tand\tgot drunk.\tI've\tbeen\ton\ta\tbinge\tever\tsince\tand\tI\tjust\tcan't\tmake\tmyself\tstop.\\\" Tears\twere\trunning\tdown\tReid's\tface\tas\tthe\tshame\tof\this\taddiction\tto\talcohol raised\tits\tugly\thead\tonce\tagain.\tHe\thad\tbeen\tclean\tand\tsober\tsince\tjoining\tthe group\tsix\tmonths\tearlier.\tHe\twas\tactive\tin\tAA,\tbut\thad\texperienced\ta\tnumber\tof slips\tand\trelapses\tin\this\t12\tyears\tof\trecovery. A\tgroup\tmember\thanded\thim\ta\tbox\tof\ttissues\tand\tReid\twiped\this\teyes.\tHe\tthen continued\ttelling\this\tstory\tand\trevealing\this\tshame\tin\tbetween\tsobs. \\\"I'm\tback\tto\tall\tmy\told\tways\tof\tlying\tand\tmanipulating.\tI'm\ttotally\tout\tof control.\\\" I\tasked\tif\the\thad\tcalled\this\tsponsor\tor\tgone\tto\ta\tmeeting\tsince\tthis\tbegan.\tHe shook\this\thead\tand\tshared\tthat\the\thad\tslipped\tso\tmany\ttimes\tthat\the\tdidn't\tthink anyone\twould\tcare\tor\twant\thim\tback. Various\tmembers\tof\tthe\tgroup\tshared\twith\tReid\tthat\tthey\tdidn't\tthink\the\twas\tbad nor\tdid\tthey\thave\tjudgment\tof\thim.\tThey\tcould\tsee\tthat\the\twas\thurting.\tThey told\thim\tthat\tthey\thad\tgreat\trespect\tthat\the\tcame\tinto\tgroup\tand\trevealed\twhat was\tgoing\ton,\tespecially\tsince\the\thad\tso\tmuch\tshame\tabout\tit. After\ta\tfew\tmoments,\tReid\trevealed,\t\\\"That's\tnot\tall.\tThere's\tmore.\\\"\tHe\tbegan\tto sob\tonce\tagain.\tLifting\this\thand\tto\this\tforehead\the\tshook\this\thead\tas\tin\tdisgust for\thimself. \\\"It\tgets\tworse.\tI\twent\tto\tthe\tpeep\tshows\tnear\tmy\twork\ttwo\ttimes\tthis\tweek.\\\"\tHe turned\this\teyes\tto\tthe\tfloor\tand\twept\talmost\tuncontrollably.\t\\\"I\thad\tbeen\tdoing\tso good.\\\"\the\tchoked\tout\tbetween\tsobs,\t\\\"Now\tI've\tblown\tit\tall.\tI\tfeel\ttotally worthless\tand\tdon't\twant\tto\tgo\ton\tliving.\tI've\tmade\ta\tmess\tof\teverything.\\\" For\tthe\trest\tof\tthe\thour,\tthe\tgroup\tsupported\tReid\tand\tencouraged\thim\tto\tgo\tall the\tway\tthrough\this\tshame.\tThey\treassured\thim\tthat\the\twasn't\tbad\tand\tthat\tno one\thad\tjudgment\tof\thim.\tTo\tthe\tcontrary,\teveryone\trespected\thim\tfor\trevealing his\tshame\tand\tpain.\tThey\tsupported\thim\tin\ttalking\tto\this\twife,\tcalling\this sponsor\tand\tgoing\tto\ta\tmeeting.\tThey\tasked\thim\tto\tcall\tone\tgroup\tmember\teach day\tduring\tthe\tnext\tweek\tand\tlet\tthem\tknow\thow\the\twas\tdoing. When\tReid\tleft\tthe\tgroup\tthat\tnight,\the\twas\tobviously\tshaken\tand\tscared.\tHe","had\talso\treleased\ta\theavy\tburden\tand\treceived\tthe\tsupport\tof\ta\tgroup\tof\tpeople who\tgenuinely\tcared\tabout\thim\tand\twanted\thim\tto\tbe\tOK.\tNo\tmatter\thow deeply\tReid\tfeared\tthat\this\tbadness\twould\tcause\tpeople\tto\tjudge\thim\tand abandon\thim,\tneither\tof\tthese\tthings\thappened.\tInstead,\the\treceived\tthe\tmessage that\tthere\twas\tnothing\the\tcould\tdo\tthat\twould\tmake\tthe\tmen\tin\tthe\tgroup\tstop liking\thim\tor\tstop\tcaring\tabout\thim. \t Shedding\tOld\tSkin As\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\trelease\ttheir\ttoxic\tshame\tand\tstart\tseeking\ttheir\town approval,\tthey\tbegin\tto\trealize\tseveral\timportant\ttruths. \t They\tare\tnot\tbad. They\tdon't\thave\tto\tdo\tanything\tto\twin\tother\tpeople's\tapproval. They\tdon't\thave\tto\thide\ttheir\tperceived\tflaws\tor\tmistakes. People\tcan\tlove\tthem\tjust\tas\tthey\tare. As\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tbegin\tto\tapply\tthe\tprinciples\tdescribed\tin\tthis\tchapter they\tcan\tembrace\tthe\treality\tthat\tthey\tare\thuman.\tLike\tevery\tother\thuman,\tNice Guys\tmake\tmistakes,\tuse\tpoor\tjudgment,\tand\tact\tinappropriately.\tNevertheless, their\thumanity\tdoesn't\tmake\tthem\tbad\tor\tunlovable\tnor\tdoes\tit\tcause\tother people\tto\tstop\tloving\tthem. Imperfect\thumans\tcan\tonly\tconnect\twith\tother\timperfect\thumans.\tMost\tfolks tend\tto\tbe\tattracted\tto\tindividuals\twho\thave\tsome\tsubstance\tand\tsense\tof\tself. Chameleons\tusually\tdon't\tdraw\tmuch\tof\ta\tcrowd\tor\tget\tmany\tovations. By\tshedding\ttheir\tchameleon\tskin\tand\tlearning\tto\tplease\tthemselves,\trecovering Nice\tGuys\tbegin\tto\texperience\tthe\tintimacy\tand\tconnection\tthey\thave\talways desired.\tBy\tlearning\tto\tapprove\tof\tthemselves,\tthey\tbegin\tto\tradiate\ta\tlife\tenergy and\tcharisma\tthat\tdraws\tpeople\tto\tthem.\tAs\tNice\tGuys\tstop\tseeking\tapproval and\tstop\ttrying\tto\thide\ttheir\tperceived\tflaws,\tthey\topen\ta\tdoor\tto\tstart\tgetting what\tthey\treally\twant\tin\tlove\tand\tlife.","Chapter\t4 Make\tYour\tNeeds\tA\tPriority \t \\\"I\twant\tyou\tto\tknow\tthat\tI'm\treally\tuncomfortable\twith\tthat\tthing\twe\ttalked about\tlast\tweek.\\\" Lars,\tan\tanxiety-filled\texecutive,\tbegan\this\tsecond\tsession\tof\tcounseling\twith this\tstatement.\tLars\thad\tcome\tto\tsee\tme\ton\tthe\tencouragement\tof\this\twife.\tHe reported\tbeing\tgenerally\tdepressed\tand\tunhappy\tfor\tas\tlong\tas\the\tcould remember.\tIn\trecent\tmonths\the\thad\tfound\tit\tdifficult\tto\tsleep\tat\tnight\tand\twas experiencing\tmigraine\theadaches\ton\ta\tregular\tbasis.\tEven\tthough\teverything\tin his\tlife\tseemed\tto\tbe\t\\\"fine\\\"\t\u2014\tgood\tjob,\tnice\thome,\tfamily,\tetc.\t\u2014\the\tnever seemed\tto\tbe\thappy. In\this\tfirst\tcounseling\tsession,\tLars\trevealed\tthat\the\thad\tconstant\tfantasies\tof \\\"chucking\tit\tall\\\"\tand\tdisappearing\tto\tsomewhere\telse\tin\tthe\tworld.\tThese thoughts\tmade\thim\tfeel\tguilty,\tso\the\tkept\tthem\tto\thimself. In\tthat\tsession\tI\tasked\tLars\twhat\the\tdid\tfor\thimself.\tHe\tgave\tme\ta\tpuzzled\tlook. \\\"What\tdo\tyou\tmean?\\\"\the\tasked. I\trepeated\tthe\tquestion. After\ta\tpause,\the\tanswered,\t\\\"Not\tmuch,\tI\tguess.\\\" For\tthe\trest\tof\tthe\tsession,\tI\tshared\twith\thim\tthe\timportance\tof\tmaking\this\tneeds a\tpriority\tand\ttaking\tresponsibility\tfor\tfinding\tways\tto\tmeet\tthem.\tThis discussion\twas\tmet\twith\tboth\tfear\tand\tresistance\tfrom\tLars.\tThe\tsame\thesitancy was\trepeated\tas\the\tbegan\this\tsecond\tcounseling\tsession. \\\"Which\tpart\tof\tour\tdiscussion\tlast\tweek\tmade\tyou\tuncomfortable?\\\"\tI\tasked.","\\\"All\tof\tit,\\\"\the\tresponded.\t\\\"That\tpart\tabout\tmaking\tmy\tneeds\ta\tpriority\treally made\tme\tuptight.\\\" I\tasked\thim\twhat\tpart\tabout\ttaking\tresponsibility\tfor\this\tneeds\tmade\thim anxious. \\\"Everything,\\\"\the\tresponded.\t\\\"That\tseems\tlike\tthat\twould\tmake\tme\tselfish\tand self-centered.\\\" \\\"What's\twrong\twith\tthat?\\\"\tI\tasked. Lars\tlooked\tat\tme\twith\tamazement.\t\\\"What's\twrong\twith\tthat,\\\"\the\treplied,\t\\\"is\tthat being\tselfish\twould\tmake\tme\ttoo\tmuch\tlike\tmy\told\tman.\tAll\the\tever\tthought about\twas\thimself\tand\tthe\trest\tof\tus\tsuffered\tas\ta\tresult.\tI\tjust\tcouldn't\tdo\tthat.\tI couldn't\tbe\ta\tself-centered\tS.O.B.\tlike\thim.\tI've\tgot\ta\twife,\tkids,\ta\tjob,\ta mortgage,\tand\tbills\tto\tpay.\tThere's\tno\troom\tfor\tme\tto\tstart\tbehaving\tlike\tmy father.\\\" Low\tMaintenance\tKinds\tOf\tGuys Lars\tis\ta\tfairly\ttypical\tNice\tGuy\twhen\tit\tcomes\tto\this\tneeds.\tNice\tGuys generally\tfocus\ttheir\tattention\ton\tmeeting\teveryone\telse's\tneeds\twhile\ttrying\tto be\t\\\"low\tmaintenance\\\"\tkinds\tof\tguys\tthemselves.\tWhen\tI\ttalk\twith\tthem\tabout making\ttheir\tneeds\ta\tpriority,\ttheir\tresponse\tis\tsimilar\tto\tthat\tof\tLars. This\tubiquitous\tpattern\tamong\tNice\tGuys\tis\tthe\tresult\tof\tchildhood\tconditioning. When\ta\tchild's\tneeds\tare\tnot\tmet\tin\ta\ttimely,\thealthy\tmanner,\tthe\tchild\tmay come\tto\tbelieve\the\tis\t\\\"bad\\\"\tfor\thaving\tneeds.\tHe\tmay\talso\tthink\tthat\tit\tis\this needs\tthat\tcause\tpeople\tto\thurt\thim\tor\tabandon\thim.\tTypically\tNice\tGuys respond\tto\tthese\tinaccurate\tinterpretations\tof\ttheir\tlife\tevents\tby\tdeveloping\ta number\tof\tsurvival\tmechanisms. \t Trying\tto\tappear\tneedless\tand\twantless. Making\tit\tdifficult\tfor\tothers\tto\tgive\tto\tthem. Using\t\\\"covert\tcontracts.\\\" Caretaking\t\u2014\tfocusing\tattention\ton\tother\tpeople's\tneeds.","While\tcreating\tan\tillusion\tof\tsecurity\tin\tchildhood,\tthese\tsurvival\tmechanisms only\tincreased\tthe\todds\tof\ttheir\tneeds\tgoing\tunrecognized\tand\tunmet. Trying\tTo\tAppear\tNeedless\tAnd\tWantless\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys\tFrom\tGetting Their\tNeeds\tMet For\tNice\tGuys,\ttrying\tto\tbecome\tneedless\tand\twantless\twas\ta\tprimary\tway\tof trying\tto\tcope\twith\ttheir\tchildhood\tabandonment\texperiences.\tSince\tit\twas\twhen they\thad\tthe\tmost\tneeds\tthat\tthey\tfelt\tthe\tmost\tabandoned,\tthey\tbelieved\tit\twas their\tneeds\tthat\tdrove\tpeople\taway. These\thelpless\tlittle\tboys\tconcluded\tthat\tif\tthey\tcould\teliminate\tor\thide\tall\tof their\tneeds,\tthen\tno\tone\twould\tabandon\tthem.\tThey\talso\tconvinced\tthemselves that\tif\tthey\tdidn't\thave\tneeds,\tit\twouldn't\thurt\tso\tbad\twhen\tthe\tneeds\tweren't\tmet. Not\tonly\tdid\tthey\tlearn\tearly\tnot\tto\texpect\tto\tget\ttheir\tneeds\tmet,\tbut\talso\tthat their\tvery\tsurvival\tseemed\tto\tdepend\ton\tappearing\tnot\tto\thave\tneeds. This\tcreated\tan\tunsolvable\tbind:\tthese\thelpless\tlittle\tboys\tcould\tnot\ttotally repress\ttheir\tneeds\tand\tstay\talive,\tand\tthey\tcould\tnot\tmeet\ttheir\tneeds\ton\ttheir own.\tThe\tonly\tlogical\tsolution\twas\tto\ttry\tto\tappear\tto\tbe\tneedless\tand\twantless while\ttrying\tto\tget\tneeds\tmet\tin\tindirect\tand\tcovert\tways. As\ta\tresult\tof\tthese\tchildhood\tsurvival\tmechanisms,\tNice\tGuys\toften\tbelieve\tit\tis a\tvirtue\tto\thave\tfew\tneeds\tor\twants.\tBeneath\tthis\tfacade\tof\tneedlessness\tand wantlessness,\tall\tNice\tGuys\tare\tactually\textremely\tneedy.\tConsequently,\twhen they\tgo\tabout\ttrying\tto\tget\ttheir\tneeds\tmet,\tNice\tGuys\tare\tfrequently\tindirect, unclear,\tmanipulative,\tand\tcontrolling. Making\tIt\tDifficult\tFor\tOthers\tTo\tGive\tTo\tThem\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys\tFrom Getting\tTheir\tNeeds\tMet In\taddition\tto\tusing\tineffective\tstrategies\tto\tget\ttheir\tneeds\tmet,\tNice\tGuys\tare terrible\treceivers.\tSince\tgetting\ttheir\tneeds\tmet\tcontradicts\ttheir\tchildhood paradigms,\tNice\tGuys\tare\textremely\tuncomfortable\twhen\tthey\tactually\tdo\tget what\tthey\twant.\tThough\tmost\tNice\tGuys\thave\ta\tdifficult\ttime\tgrasping\tthis concept,\tthey\tare\tterrified\tof\tgetting\twhat\tthey\treally\twant\tand\twill\tgo\tto","extreme\tmeasures\tto\tmake\tsure\tthey\tdon't.\tNice\tGuys\tcarry\tout\tthis\tunconscious agenda\tby\tconnecting\twith\tneedy\tor\tunavailable\tpeople,\toperating\tfrom\tan unspoken\tagenda,\tbeing\tunclear\tand\tindirect,\tpushing\tpeople\taway,\tand sabotaging. A\tgood\tillustration\tof\tthis\tdynamic\tis\tthe\tway\tNice\tGuys\tcommonly\ttry\tto\tget their\tsexual\tneeds\tmet. Many\tof\tthe\tNice\tGuys\tI've\tworked\twith\thave\texpressed\ta\theightened\tinterest\tin sex,\tyet\tthey\tfrequently\tfeel\tfrustrated\tin\ttheir\tattempts\tto\tget\tthese\tneeds\tmet. This\tis\tusually\tbecause\ttheir\tactions\tpretty\tmuch\tguarantee\tthat\tthey\twon't\tget what\tthey\tbelieve\tthey\twant. Nice\tGuys\thave\tan\tuncanny\tknack\tof\tpicking\tpartners\twho,\tbecause\tof childhood\tsexual\tabuse\tor\tother\tnegative\texperiences\twith\tsex,\ttend\tto\thave\ta difficult\ttime\tbeing\tsexually\texpressive.\tWhen\tthese\tpartners\tdo\tmake themselves\tavailable\tto\tbe\tsexual,\tit\tis\tnot\tuncommon\tfor\tNice\tGuys\tto\tdo something\tthat\tfurther\tensures\tthat\tthey\tdon't\tget\ttheir\tneeds\tmet.\tThe\tNice\tGuy may\trespond\tby\ttaking\tcontrol\trather\tthan\tletting\tthe\tsexual\texperience\tunfold. He\tmay\tfocus\ton\this\tpartner's\tsexual\tneeds\tbefore\tshe\thas\ta\tchance\tto\tpay attention\tto\thim.\tHe\tmight\tstart\ta\tfight\tby\tmaking\ta\tcomment\tabout\ther\tweight or\ther\tpast\tunavailability.\tAll\tof\tthese\tstrategies\tpretty\tmuch\tensure\tthat\tthe\tNice Guy\twon't\thave\tto\texperience\tthe\tfear,\tshame,\tor\tanxiety\tthat\tmight\tget\ttriggered if\the\tactually\tallowed\tsomeone\tto\tfocus\ton\this\tneeds. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#12 Do\tyou\tbelieve\tit\tis\tOK\tfor\tyou\tto\thave\tneeds?\tDo\tyou\tbelieve\tpeople\twant to\thelp\tyou\tmeet\tyour\tneeds?\tDo\tyou\tbelieve\tthis\tworld\tis\ta\tplace\tof abundance? *****************************","Using\tCovert\tContracts\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys\tFrom\tGetting\tTheir\tNeeds\tMet\t All\tNice\tGuys\tare\tfaced\twith\ta\tdilemma:\tHow\tcan\tthey\tkeep\tthe\tfact\tthat\tthey have\tneeds\thidden,\tyet\tstill\tcreate\tsituations\tin\twhich\tthey\thave\tsome\thope\tof getting\ttheir\tneeds\tmet? In\torder\tto\taccomplish\tthis\tseemingly\timpossible\tgoal,\tNice\tGuys\tutilize\tcovert contracts.\tThese\tunconscious,\tunspoken\tagreements\tare\tthe\tprimary\tway\tthat Nice\tGuys\tinteract\twith\tthe\tworld\taround\tthem.\tAlmost\teverything\ta\tNice\tGuy does\trepresents\tsome\tmanifestation\tof\ta\tcovert\tcontract. The\tNice\tGuy's\tcovert\tcontract\tis\tsimply\tthis: 1)\tI\twill\tdo\tthis\t______________\t(fill\tin\tthe\tblank)\tfor\tyou,\tso\tthat\t 2)\tYou\twill\tdo\tthis\t______________\t(fill\tin\tthe\tblank)\tfor\tme. 3)\tWe\twill\tboth\tact\tas\tif\twe\thave\tno\tawareness\tof\tthis\tcontract. Most\tof\tus\thave\thad\tthe\texperience\tof\tleaning\tover\tand\twhispering\tin\tour\tlover's ear,\t\\\"I\tlove\tyou.\\\"\tWe\tthen\twait\texpectantly\tfor\tour\tbeloved\tto\trespond\twith,\t\\\"I love\tyou\ttoo.\\\"\tThis\tis\tan\texample\tof\ta\tcovert\tcontract\tin\twhich\ta\tperson\tgives\tto get.\tGiving\t\\\"I\tlove\tyous\\\"\tto\tget\t\\\"I\tlove\tyou\ttoos\\\"\tin\treturn\tis\tthe\tbasic\tway\tNice Guys\tgo\tabout\ttrying\tto\tget\tall\tof\ttheir\tneeds\tmet.\tThere\tis\tnothing\twrong\twith asking\tyour\tpartner\tto\ttell\tyou\tshe\tloves\tyou,\tbut\ttelling\ther\t\\\"I\tlove\tyou\\\"\tfirst\tto get\tan\t\\\"I\tlove\tyou\ttoo\\\"\tin\treturn\tis\tindirect,\tunclear,\tand\tmanipulative. As\ta\tresult\tof\tthe\tconditioning\tthey\treceived\tin\ttheir\tfamily\tand\tsociety,\tNice Guys\tbelieve\tif\tthey\tare\t\\\"good,\\\"\tthen\tthey\tshould\tbe\tloved,\tget\ttheir\tneeds\tmet, and\thave\ta\tproblem-free\tlife. In\treality,\tthe\tprimary\tparadigm\tof\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome\tis\tnothing\tmore\tthan a\tbig\tcovert\tcontract\twith\tlife.","***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#13 Identify\tat\tleast\tone\tcovert\tcontract\tbetween\tyou\tand\ta\tsignificant\tother. What\tdo\tyou\tgive?\tWhat\tdo\tyou\texpect\tin\treturn?\tShare\tthis\tinformation with\tthe\tother\tperson.\tAsk\tthe\tperson\thow\tit\tfeels\tto\trespond\tto\tan\tunclear agenda. ***************************** Caretaking\tPrevents\tNice\tGuys\tFrom\tGetting\tTheir\tNeeds\tMet One\tof\tthe\tmost\tcommon\tways\tNice\tGuys\tuse\tcovert\tcontracts\tto\ttry\tto\tmeet their\tneeds\tis\tthrough\tcaretaking.\tNice\tGuys\tbelieve\ttheir\tcaretaking\tis fundamentally\tloving\tand\tis\tone\tof\tthe\tthings\tthat\tmakes\tthem\tgood\tpeople.\tIn reality,\tcaretaking\thas\tnothing\tto\tdo\twith\tbeing\tloving\tor\tgood.\tCaretaking\tis\tan immature\tand\tindirect\tattempt\tto\ttry\tto\tget\tone's\tneeds\tmet. Caretaking\talways\tconsists\tof\ttwo\tparts: 1)\tFocusing\ton\tanother's\tproblems,\tneeds,\tor\tfeelings\tin\torder\tto\t 2)\tFeel\tvaluable,\tget\tone's\town\tneeds\tmet,\tor\tto\tavoid\tdealing\twith\tone's\town problems\tor\tfeelings. Reese,\ta\tgraphic\tdesigner\tin\this\tlate\ttwenties,\tis\ta\tgood\texample\tof\tthe\textremes to\twhich\tNice\tGuys\tcaretake\tin\ttheir\tintimate\trelationships.\tReese,\twho\tis\tgay, lamented\tin\tone\tof\this\ttherapy\tsessions, \\\"Why\tcan't\tI\tfind\ta\tpartner\twho\tgives\tas\tmuch\tback\tto\tme\tas\tI\tgive\tto\thim?\\\"\tHe went\ton\tto\tdescribe\thow\tall\tof\this\tboyfriends\tseemed\tto\tbe\ttakers\tand\tthat\the always\tdid\tall\tof\tthe\tgiving. Within\ta\tperiod\tof\ta\tyear,\tReese\tentered\tinto\tthree\tintense\trelationships.\tEach began\twonderfully\tand\tseemed\tlike\tthe\tpartnership\the\thad\tbeen\tlooking\tfor.","Each\tfailed\tbecause\tof\tthe\tsame\tscenario:\tReese\tpicked\tmen\twho\tneeded rescuing\tor\tfixing. The\tfirst\tboyfriend\tlived\tin\tCanada\tand\thad\trecently\tgotten\toff\tdrugs.\tHe\tcame to\tlive\twith\tReese\tbut\tnever\tapplied\tfor\ta\twork\tvisa\tand\tstruggled\tto\tstay\tclean. Reese\twent\tout\tof\this\tway\tto\tbe\tsupportive\tof\this\tboyfriend\twith\tthe\thope\tthat\the would\tfind\ta\tjob\tand\tstay\toff\tdrugs.\tFinally,\tReese\tsent\thim\thome\tto\tget\this\tlife straightened\tout.\tLater,\the\tfound\tout\tfrom\ta\tmutual\tfriend\tthat\tthe\treason\this boyfriend\thad\tnever\tapplied\tfor\ta\twork\tvisa\twas\tbecause\the\twas\tHIV\tpositive, something\the\tfailed\tto\ttell\tReese. The\tnext\tboyfriend\twas\tof\ta\tdifferent\trace\tfrom\tReese\tand\thad\tnever\tcome\tto grips\twith\this\thomosexuality.\tHis\tparents\tand\treligion\tkept\thim\tin\tconstant conflict.\tHe\twas\tnever\table\tto\tcommit\tto\tthe\trelationship.\tNevertheless,\tReese went\tout\tof\this\tway\tto\tbe\tsupportive\tand\tgiving,\tall\twith\tthe\thopes\tthat\this boyfriend\twould\teventually\tget\tthings\tstraightened\tout\tand\tbecome\tavailable\tto Reese. The\tthird\tboyfriend\twas\tin\tthe\tmilitary.\tHe\twas\tliving\ton\tbase,\tsome\t40\tmiles from\tReese's\tapartment\tand\thad\tno\tcar.\tReese\thad\tto\ttake\tthe\tinitiative\tin\tgetting together\tand\twould\toften\tshuttle\this\tpartner\taround.\tBecause\tReese\tmade\tmore money,\the\talways\tpaid\twhen\tthey\twent\tout.\tReese\tfrequently\tbought\this boyfriend\tgifts\tand\tloaned\thim\tmoney.\tWhen\tthis\tboyfriend\tgot\ttransferred\tto\ta different\tstate,\tReese\tquit\this\tjob,\tsold\this\tcar,\tand\tmoved\talong\twith\thim,\tonly to\treturn\tin\tthree\tmonths\tbecause\this\tpartner\tstarted\trunning\taround\ton\thim. During\tthis\t12-month\tperiod\twhile\tReese\twas\tso\tbusy\tcaretaking\tthe\tneeds\tand problems\tof\this\tboyfriends,\the\tgave\tup\this\tjob\tand\talienated\tmost\tof\this\tfriends and\tfamily.\tReese's\tcaretaking\tallowed\thim\tto\tstay\toblivious\tto\this\town\tself- destructive\tbehaviors\twhile\tinvesting\ttremendous\tenergy\tin\ttrying\tto\tfix\tothers. As\tis\ttrue\tfor\tmost\tNice\tGuys,\tno\tmatter\thow\tmuch\the\tgave\tto\tothers,\tReese never\tfelt\tlike\the\tgot\tas\tmuch\tback\tin\treturn. Caring\tVs.\tCaretaking Though\tNice\tGuys\tsee\teverything\tthey\tdo\tfor\tothers\tas\tloving,\tcaretaking\thas very\tlittle\tto\tdo\twith\tcaring.\tHere\tare\tthe\tdifferences:","Caretaking 1)\tGives\tto\tothers\twhat\tthe\tgiver\tneeds\tto\tgive. 2)\tComes\tfrom\ta\tplace\tof\temptiness\twithin\tthe\tgiver. 3)\tAlways\thas\tunconscious\tstrings\tattached. Caring 1)\tGives\tto\tothers\twhat\tthe\treceiver\tneeds.\t 2)\tComes\tfrom\ta\tplace\tof\tabundance\twithin\tthe\tgiver. 3)\tHas\tno\tstrings\tattached. Nice\tGuys\tcaretake\tfor\ta\tnumber\tof\treasons,\tnone\tof\tthem\thaving\tanything\tto\tdo with\tlove.\tFor\tthem,\teven\tthe\tmost\tinnocuous\tand\tsubtle\tact\toften\thas\tsome string\tattached.\tNice\tGuys\tgive\tin\tthe\tways\tthey\twould\tlike\tothers\tto\tgive\tto them.\tThey\tgive\tgifts,\taffection,\tback\trubs,\tsex,\tsurprises.\tThey\twill\tencourage their\tpartner\tto\ttake\ta\tday\toff,\tbuy\ta\tnew\toutfit,\tgo\tto\tthe\tdoctor,\ttake\ta\ttrip,\tquit a\tjob,\tgo\tback\tto\tschool\t\u2014\tyet\twould\tnot\tgive\tthemselves\tpermission\tto\tdo\tany of\tthe\tsame\tthings. ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#14 Identify\ttwo\tor\tthree\texamples\tof\tyour\tcaretaking\tbehavior.\tIn\torder\tto stimulate\tawareness\tof\tyour\tcaretaking,\tdo\tone\tof\tthe\tfollowing\tfor\ta\tperiod of\tone\tweek:\t 1)\tGo\ton\ta\tcaretaking\tmoratorium.\tBecause\tNice\tGuys\thave\ta\tdifficult\ttime differentiating\tbetween\tcaring\tand\tcaretaking,\tstop\tgiving\tcompletely (except\tto\tyoung,\tdependent\tchildren).\tTell\tpeople\twhat\tyou\tare\tdoing\tso they\twon't\tbe\tconfused.\tObserve\tyour\tfeelings\tand\tother\tpeople's\treactions.","2)\tConsciously\ttry\tto\tcaretake\tmore\tthan\tyou\talready\tdo.\tAs\todd\tas\tthis assignment\tmay\tsound,\tit\tis\ta\tvery\teffective\tway\tto\tcreate\tawareness\tof\tyour caretaking\tbehavior.\tPay\tattention\tto\thow\tyou\tfeel\tand\thow\tother\tpeople react\tto\tyou. \t ***************************** The\tVictim\tTriangle Rather\tthan\thelping\tNice\tGuys\tmeet\ttheir\tneeds,\tcovert\tcontracts\tand\tcaretaking only\tlead\tto\tfrustration\tand\tresentment.\tWhen\tthis\tfrustration\tand\tresentment builds\tlong\tenough,\tit\toften\tspills\tout\tin\tsome\tnot\tso\tpretty\tways.\tGiving\tto\tget creates\ta\tcycle\tof\tcraziness\tcalled\tthe\tvictim\ttriangle.\tThe\tvictim\ttriangle consists\tof\tthree\tpredictable\tsequences: 1)\tThe\tNice\tGuy\tgives\tto\tothers\thoping\tto\tget\tsomething\tin\treturn. 2)\tWhen\tit\tdoesn't\tseem\tthat\the\tis\tgetting\tas\tmuch\tas\the\tgives\tor\the\tisn't\tgetting what\the\texpected,\the\tfeels\tfrustrated\tand\tresentful.\tRemember,\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tis the\tone\tkeeping\tscore\tand\the\tisn't\ttotally\tobjective. 3)\tWhen\tthis\tfrustration\tand\tresentment\tbuilds\tup\tlong\tenough,\tit\tspills\tout\tin the\tform\tof\trage\tattacks,\tpassive-aggressive\tbehavior,\tpouting,\ttantrums, withdrawing,\tshaming,\tcriticizing,\tblaming,\teven\tphysical\tabuse.\tOnce\tthe\tcycle has\tbeen\tcompleted,\tit\tusually\tjust\tbegins\tall\tover\tagain. My\twife\trefers\tto\tthese\tepisodes\tas\tvictim\tpukes.\tSometimes\tthe\tpuking\twill resemble\ta\tchild's\ttemper\ttantrum.\tSometimes\tthe\tvictim\tpuke\twill\ttake\ta\tmore passive-aggressive\tform\tin\twhich\tthe\tNice\tGuy\twill\thave\tan\taffair\tor\tact\tout\tin some\thidden\tway.\tAll\tthe\twhile\tthe\tperson\tdoing\tthe\tpuking\twill\tfeel\tjustified because\tof\tthe\tmany\tways\the\thas\tbeen\tvictimized.\tThese\tvictim\tpukes\tare\tone\tof the\tprimary\treasons\tNice\tGuys\taren't\talways\tso\tnice. Shane's\trelationship\twith\this\tgirlfriend\tRacquel\tis\ta\tgood\texample\tof\tthe\tvictim triangle\tand\temotional\tpuking.\tShane\thad\tRacquel\ton\ta\tpedestal\tand\tdeep\tinside, he\tbelieved\tshe\tcould\tonly\tlove\thim\tif\the\twas","\\\"good\tenough.\\\"\tIn\torder\tto\twin\ther\tlove\the\tgave\ther\tgifts,\tsent\ther\tcards,\tleft phone\tmessages,\tbought\ther\tclothes,\tplanned\tspecial\tsurprises,\tand\thelped\twith her\thome\tand\tchildren. All\tof\tthis\tcreated\ta\tsense\tof\temotional\tindebtedness\tfor\tRacquel.\tShe\tfelt\tlike she\tcould\tnever\trepay\tShane\tfor\teverything\the\tdid\tfor\ther.\tThe\ttruth\twas\t\u2014\tshe couldn't.\tShane\twas\ttrying\tto\tbuy\ther\tlove\t\u2014only\tthe\tcontract\twasn't\tclear.\tIn time,\tthe\tonly\tway\tshe\tcould\tcope\twith\this\tpleasing\tand\tcaretaking\twas\tby pushing\thim\taway. When\tthis\thappened,\tShane\twas\tdevastated.\tHe\tcouldn't\tunderstand\twhy\tif\the had\tfulfilled\this\tend\tof\tthe\tcontract,\tRacquel\twouldn't\tkeep\thers.\tHe\tdidn't\tthink he\twas\tthat\thard\tto\tplease.\tThe\tmore\tShane\tgave\tto\tRacquel,\tthe\tmore\tresentful he\tbecame.\tHe\twould\taccuse\ther\tof\tnot\tloving\thim.\tThey\twould\thave tremendous\tbattles\tin\twhich\tthey\twould\tbreak\tup,\tcalling\teach\tother\tall\tkinds\tof names.\tAfterwards\tShane\twould\tfeel\tfrightened\tand\tremorseful\tand\tpursue Racquel\tand\ttry\tto\tfix\tthings\t(all\tthe\twhile\tresenting\ther\tfor\tnot\tpursuing\thim and\ttrying\tto\tfix\tthings).\tHe\twould\tthen\tstart\tcaretaking\tand\tpleasing\tagain\tto win\ther\tlove.\tThe\tcycle\trepeated\titself\tover\tand\tover\tagain. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#15 It\tcan\tbe\tdifficult\tto\tmake\ta\tdirect\tlink\tbetween\tyour\tcaretaking\tbehavior and\tthe\temotional\tpukes\twhich\tinevitably\tfollow.\tObserve\tthe\tways\tyou\thurt the\tpeople\tyou\tlove. \t Do\tyou\tmake\tcutting\tremarks\tor\thurtful\t\\\"jokes\\\"? Do\tyou\tembarrass\tthem\tin\tpublic? Are\tyou\tfrequently\tlate?","Do\tyou\t\\\"forget\\\"\tthings\tthey've\tasked\tyou\tto\tdo? Do\tyou\tcriticize\tthem? Do\tyou\twithdraw\tfrom\tthem\tor\tthreaten\tto\tleave? Do\tyou\tlet\tfrustration\tbuild\tuntil\tyou\tblow\tup\tat\tthem? Ask\tthe\tsignificant\tothers\tin\tyour\tlife\tto\tgive\tyou\tfeedback\tabout\tyour caretaking\tand\temotional\tpukes.\tThis\tinformation\tmay\tbe\thard\tto\thear\tand may\ttrigger\ta\tshame\tattack,\tbut\tit\tis\timportant\tinformation\tfor\tbreaking out\tof\tthe\tvictim\ttriangle. ***************************** Becoming\tTruly\tSelfish When\tI\tbegan\twriting\tthis\tbook\tI\tshared\tthe\tearly\tdrafts\twith\tmembers\tof\tmy\tNo More\tMr.\tNice\tGuy! men's\tgroups.\tOn\tone\toccasion,\ta\tgroup\tmember\tstated,\t\\\"It\tseems\tlike\tthe\twhole emphasis\tof\tthe\tbook\tis\tabout\tfocusing\ton\tone's\tself.\tIt\tseems\treally\tselfish\tand self-centered,\tlike\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tshould\tjust\tthink\tabout\thimself\tand\tnot\tworry about\tanyone\telse.\\\" Even\tthough\tI\tdid\tnot\tset\tout\tto\twrite\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\twith\tthis\ttheme\tin mind,\tthis\tgroup\tmember's\tcomments\tcontained\tan\timportant\ttruth\tthat\tI\thadn't even\tbeen\tfully\tconscious\tof\tbefore\tthen.\tSince\tNice\tGuys\tlearned\tto\tsacrifice themselves\tin\torder\tto\tsurvive,\trecovery\tmust\tcenter\ton\tlearning\tto\tput themselves\tfirst\tand\tmaking\ttheir\tneeds\ta\tpriority. Most\tNice\tGuys\tare\tastonished\twhen\tI\ttell\tthem\tthat\tit\tis\thealthy\tto\thave\tneeds and\tthat\tmature\tpeople\tmake\tgetting\ttheir\tneeds\tmet\ta\tpriority.\tSometimes\tI\thave to\trepeat\tthis\ttruth\tmany\ttimes\tin\torder\tfor\tit\tto\tsink\tin.\tFor\tNice\tGuys,\thaving needs\tmeans\tbeing\t\\\"needy,\\\"\tand\tneedy\trepresents\ta\tone-way\tticket\tto abandonment. I\ttell\tNice\tGuys,\t\\\"No\tone\twas\tput\ton\tthis\tplanet\tto\tmeet\tyour\tneeds\\\"\t(except their\tparents\t\u2014\tand\ttheir\tjob\tis\tdone).\tI\talso\tremind\tthem\tthey\tweren't\tput\ton this\tplanet\tto\tmeet\tanyone\telse's\tneeds\t(except\tthose\tof\ttheir\tchildren).","This\tparadigm\tshift\tis\talways\tterrifying\tfor\trecovering\tNice\tGuys.\tThe\tidea\tof making\ttheir\tneeds\ta\tpriority\tfeels\tlike\tthe\tquickest\troute\tto\tbeing\tdisliked, unloved,\tand\tall\talone. Whenever\tI\tchallenge\tNice\tGuys\tto\tfocus\ton\tmaking\ttheir\tneeds\ta\tpriority,\ttheir responses\tare\tpretty\tpredictable: \\\"People\twill\tget\tangry\tat\tme.\\\" \\\"People\twill\tthink\tI'm\tselfish.\\\" \\\"I'll\tbe\talone.\\\" \\\"What\tif\teveryone\tlived\tthis\tway?\\\" I\tthen\tlist\tthe\tbenefits\tfor\tNice\tGuys\tand\tthe\tpeople\taround\tthem\twhen\tthey begin\tto\tput\tthemselves\tfirst:\t \t They\tincrease\tthe\tlikelihood\tof\tgetting\twhat\tthey\tneed\tand\twant. They\tcan\tgive\tjudiciously\t\u2014\tgiving\twhat\tpeople\treally\tneed. They\tcan\tgive\twithout\tresentment\tand\texpectation. They\tbecome\tless\tneedy. They\tbecome\tmore\tattractive. Most\tNice\tGuys\twill\treally\tlike\tthe\tlast\tbenefit\ton\tthe\tlist.\tHelpless,\twhiny, wimpy,\tand\tneedy\tare\tnot\tattractive\ton\ta\tman.\tConfidence\tand\tself-assurance are.\tMost\tfolks\tare\tattracted\tto\tmen\twho\thave\ta\tsense\tof\tself.\tPutting\tthe\tself first\tdoesn't\tdrive\tpeople\taway,\tit\tattracts\tthem.\tPutting\tthe\tself\tfirst\tis\tessential for\tgetting\twhat\tone\twants\tin\tlove\tand\tlife. Taking\tResponsibility\tFor\tTheir\tOwn\tNeeds\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tGet\tTheir Needs\tMet\t In\torder\tfor\tNice\tGuys\tto\tget\ttheir\tneeds\tmet,\tthey\tmust\tbegin\tto\tshift\ttheir\tcore paradigms.\tThis\tshift\tincludes\tcoming\tto\tbelieve:","Having\tneeds\tis\tpart\tof\tbeing\thuman. Mature\tpeople\tmake\tmeeting\ttheir\town\tneeds\ta\tpriority. They\tcan\task\tfor\thelp\tin\tmeeting\ttheir\tneeds\tin\tclear\tand\tdirect\tways. Other\tpeople\treally\tdo\twant\tto\thelp\tthem\tmeet\ttheir\tneeds. This\tworld\tis\ta\tplace\tof\tabundance. In\torder\tto\tget\ttheir\tneeds\tmet,\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tmust\tdo\tsomething radically\tdifferent\tfrom\twhat\tthey\thave\tdone\tpreviously.\tFor\tNice\tGuys,\tputting the\tself\tfirst\tis\tnot\tjust\ta\tsuggestion\tto\ttry\ton\tfor\tsize. It\tis\tessential\tnot\tonly\tfor\tgetting\tneeds\tmet,\tbut\talso\tfor\treclaiming\tpersonal power,\tfeeling\tfully\talive,\tand\texperiencing\tlove\tand\tintimacy. Interestingly\tenough,\twhen\tNice\tGuys\ttake\tresponsibility\tfor\ttheir\town\tneeds and\tmake\tthem\ta\tpriority,\tthose\taround\tthem\tbenefit\ttoo.\tGone\tare\tthe\tcovert contracts,\tthe\tguessing\tgames,\tthe\tanger\toutbursts,\tand\tpassive-aggressive behavior.\tGone\tare\tthe\tmanipulation,\tthe\tcontrolling\tbehavior,\tand\tthe resentment.\tI\tlearned\tthis\tlesson\tfirst-hand\ta\tfew\tyears\tback. A\tholiday\tweekend\twas\tapproaching\tand\tour\tkids\twere\tgoing\tto\tbe\tout\tof\ttown. I\ttried\tto\tplan\tsome\ttime\twith\tmy\twife\tElizabeth,\tbut\tshe\tseemed\tambivalent\tand unwilling\tto\tmake\ta\tcommitment\tto\twhat\tshe\twanted\tto\tdo.\tI\tfelt\tfrustrated\tand put\tmy\tplans\ton\thold.\tFinally,\tupon\tthe\turging\tof\ta\tfriend,\tI\tdecided\tto\ttry putting\tmyself\tfirst\tover\tthe\tweekend.\tI\tmade\tplans\tand\tinvited\tmy\twife\tto\tjoin me\tif\tshe\tfelt\tinclined.\tI\tdid\tseveral\tthings\tI\twanted,\tincluding\tspending\tsome time\twith\tfriends.\tAs\tit\tturned\tout,\tElizabeth\tdecided\tto\tjoin\tme\ton\ta\tnumber\tof occasions.\tOn\tMonday,\tshe\tshared\twith\tme\tthat\tshe\thad\tthoroughly\tenjoyed\tthe weekend\tand\tdidn't\twant\tit\tto\tend. A\tChallenge In\ta\tsession\tof\tone\tof\tmy\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tmen's\tgroups,\tI\tchallenged each\tof\tthe\tgroup\tmembers\tto\texperiment\twith\tputting\tthemselves\tfirst\tfor\tat least\ta\tweek.\tThough\tthe\tchallenge\tcreated\ttremendous\tanxiety\tfor\tall\tof\tthe men,\teach\tdecided\tto\taccept\tit.\tThe\texperiences\tof\tthree\tof\tLars,\tReese,\tand Shane\tare\tpresented\tbelow.","Lars Lars,\tintroduced\tat\tthe\tbeginning\tof\tthe\tchapter,\twent\thome\tafter\tthe\tgroup\tand told\this\twife\tthat\the\twas\tgoing\tto\tmake\this\tneeds\ta\tpriority\tfor\tthe\tfollowing week.\tShe\twas\tinitially\tresistant\tto\this\tproclamation \u2014\twhich\tadded\tto\this\tanxiety.\tTo\tboost\this\tcourage,\tLars\tcalled\ta\tcouple\tof\tmen in\tthe\tgroup.\tTheir\tencouragement\tgave\thim\tthe\tsupport\the\tneeded\tto\tfollow through\twith\this\tcommitment. Lars\tdecided\tto\tkeep\tit\tsimple.\tHis\tplan\tfor\tthe\tweek\tinvolved\tmaking\ttime every\tday\tto\tgo\tthe\tgym\tand\twork\tout.\tBefore\this\tchildren\twere\tborn,\tLars\thad been\tphysically\tactive.\tThe\tdemands\tof\tjob,\thome\tand\tchildren\thad\tput\tan\tend\tto that.\tLars\tdecided\tto\talternate\this\tworkouts\tbefore\tand\tafter\twork.\tWhen\the shared\this\tplan\twith\this\twife,\tshe\tapplied\ta\tlittle\tguilt.\t\\\"That's\tnot\tfair\tthat\tyou get\tto\twork\tout\tand\tI\tdon't,\\\"\tshe\tproclaimed.\tLars\twas\ttempted\tto\tback\tdown.\tHe had\tan\timpulse\tto\ttry\tto\tfind\ta\tsolution\tso\this\twife\tcould\twork\tout\ttoo.\tInstead, he\treflected\ther\tconcern\tand\ttold\ther\the\twas\tgoing\tto\twork\tout\tanyway. During\this\tfirst\tcouple\tof\ttrips\tto\tthe\tgym,\tLars\twas\toverwhelmed\twith\tguilt\tand anxiety.\tNevertheless,\the\tpersevered.\tAfter\tthe\tthird\tday,\this\twife\tactually\tasked him\thow\this\tworkout\twent.\tAs\tthe\tweek\tcontinued,\tLars\tbegan\tto\tfeel\tmore energized\tand\toptimistic\tabout\tlife.\tHe\tstarted\tsleeping\tbetter.\tHe\tenjoyed\tbeing around\tother\tpeople\tat\tthe\tgym\twho\twere\talso\ttaking\tgood\tcare\tof\tthemselves. Surprisingly,\tafter\this\tfirst\tweek,\this\twife\ttold\thim\tthat\the\thad\tinspired\ther\tto start\ttaking\tbetter\tcare\tof\therself.\tShe\ttold\thim\tthat\tshe\twas\tgoing\tto\tstart dropping\tthe\tkids\toff\tat\tthe\tdaycare\tcenter\tat\tthe\tgym\tand\tbegin\tan\taerobics\tclass for\therself. Reese Reese\thad\tjoined\tthe\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tgroup\tafter\this\tbreak-up\twith\this last\tboyfriend.\tAt\tfirst\the\thad\tbeen\tuncomfortable\tbeing\tthe\tonly\tgay\tman\tin\tthe group,\tbut\tthe\tother\tmen\taccepted\thim\tand\the\thad\tbegun\tto\twork\ton\tdeveloping non-sexual\trelationships\twith\tmen. Reese's\thabit\ton\tweekends\twas\tto\tgo\tto\tout\twith\this\tlatest\tboyfriend\tto\tgay\tbars on\tFriday,\tSaturday,\tand\tSunday\tnights.\tBy\tMonday\tmorning,\the\twas\texhausted. He\twould\tspend\tthe\trest\tof\tthe\tweek\tplaying\tcatch\tup.\tReese\twas\tafraid\tthat\tif","he\tdidn't\tgo\tout\twhenever\this\tboyfriend\twanted,\this\tboyfriend\twould\tleave\thim. Reese\tdecided\tthat\tfor\tone\tweekend,\the\twould\tput\thimself\tfirst\tand\tdo\twhat\tfelt right\tto\thim.\tHe\ttold\this\tboyfriend\tin\tadvance.\tReese\tdecided\tthat\the\twould\tgo out\tjust\tone\tnight,\tnot\tdrink,\tand\tbe\tin\tby\tmidnight.\tOn\tSaturday,\the\tmade\tsome plans\tto\tgo\tto\ta\tmovie\twith\ta\tcouple\tof\tguys\tin\tthe\tgroup.\tOn\tSunday\the\tstayed at\thome\tto\trelax\tand\tget\tcaught\tup\ton\tsome\thouse\tcleaning\tand\tlaundry.\tHis\tgoal was\tto\tbe\tin\tbed\tby\t10:00\tp.m.\ton\tSunday\tevening. When\tMonday\tcame,\tReese\tfelt\trested\tand\tclear\theaded\tat\twork.\tHis\tboyfriend hadn't\tdropped\thim,\tand\tthe\trest\tof\tthe\tweek\tfelt\tproductive\tand\tenjoyable. Shane Shane,\talso\tintroduced\tearlier\tin\tthe\tchapter,\tliked\tto\tdo\tthings\tfor\this\tgirlfriend. Shane\tregularly\tgave\ther\tgifts,\tplanned\tsurprises,\tand\tdid\twhatever\the\tcould\tto help\ther\tout. Shane's\tplan\tfor\tputting\thimself\tfirst\tinvolved\tpaying\tattention\tto\twhen\the\thad an\timpulse\tto\tdo\tsomething\tfor\this\tgirlfriend.\tWhenever\the\tfelt\tthis\timpulse,\the would\tinstead\tdo\tsomething\tfor\thimself. When\the\tthought\tabout\twashing\ther\tcar,\the\twashed\this\town\tinstead.\tWhen\the felt\tthe\turge\tto\tbuy\ther\ta\tgift,\the\tbought\thimself\tsomething\tinstead.\tWhen\the thought\tabout\tcalling\ther\tjust\tto\tsee\tif\tshe\twas\tOK,\the\tcalled\ta\tgroup\tmember instead.\tAll\tof\tthis\tcreated\ttremendous\tanxiety\tfor\tShane. Much\tto\this\tsurprise,\tat\tthe\tend\tof\tthe\tweek\tRacquel\treported\tshe\tfelt\ta\tlot\tless smothered\tby\tShane\tand\tactually\tlooked\tforward\tto\tspending\ttime\twith\thim.\tShe even\tcalled\tlate\tone\tevening\tafter\tthe\tkids\twere\tin\tbed\tand\tinvited\thim\tover\tto make\tlove. \t A\tcouple\tof\tweeks\tlater,\tShane\tand\tRacquel\ttalked\tabout\tthe\tchange\tin\ta\tcouples counseling\tsession. They\tdecided\tto\tcontinue\tthe\tprocess.\tFor\ta\tperiod\tof\tsix\tmonths\tthey\tagreed that\tShane\twould\tnot\tgive\tany\tgifts\tor\tplan\tany\tsurprises\tfor\tRacquel.\tDuring\tthe following\tsix\tmonths\the\trefrained\tfrom\tgiving\ther\tbirthday,\tChristmas,\tand","Valentine's\tcards\tor\tgifts.\tDuring\tthis\ttime\the\tfocused\ton\ttaking\tbetter\tcare\tof himself\tand\tgetting\this\tneeds\tmet. In\ttime\tShane\tcame\tto\tsee\tthat\tnot\tonly\tdid\tRacquel\tnot\tstop\tloving\thim,\tshe actually\tbecame\tmore\tgiving\tto\tShane.\tOne\tyear\tlatter,\tthey\tboth\treported\tthat Shane\tcould\tgive\ta\tgift\twithout\tusing\tit\tas\ta\tway\tto\tget\tapproval\tor\taffirmation. During\tthis\ttime,\tShane\thad\talso\tlearned\tthat\tmaking\this\tneeds\ta\tpriority\tmade him\tless\tdependent,\tneedy,\tand\tfearful.\tBoth\tShane\tand\tRacquel\treported enjoying\tall\tthe\tchanges\tthey\thad\texperienced\tsince\tShane\tmade\tthe\tdecision\tto start\tputting\thimself\tfirst. Making\tThe\tDecision Nice\tGuys\thave\tbelieved\ta\tmyth\tthat\tpromises\tthem\tthat\tif\tthey\tgive\tup themselves\tand\tput\tothers\tfirst,\tthey\twill\tbe\tloved\tand\tget\ttheir\tneeds\tmet.\tThere is\tonly\tone\tway\tto\tchange\tthis\tillogical,\tnonproductive\tNice\tGuy\tparadigm\t\u2014 putting\tthemselves\tfirst. Making\tthe\tdecision\tto\tput\tthe\tself\tfirst\tis\tthe\thardest\tpart.\tActually\tdoing\tit\tis relatively\teasy.\tWhen\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tputs\thimself\tfirst\tthere\tis\tonly\tone\tvoice\tto consider\t\u2014\this\town.\tDecisions\tare\tnow\tmade\tby\tone\tindividual,\trather\tthan\tby\ta committee.\tHe\tno\tlonger\thas\tto\tmind\tread,\tpredict,\tor\ttry\tto\tplease\tmultiple voices\twith\tconflicting\tagendas.\tWhen\tputting\thimself\tfirst\tall\tthe\tinformation he\tneeds\tto\tmake\ta\tdecision\tis\twithin\thim:\t\\\"Is\tthis\twhat\tI\twant?\tYes.\tThen\tthat's what\tI'll\tdo.\\\" \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#16 Make\ta\tdecision\tto\tput\tyourself\tfirst\tfor\ta\tweekend\tor\teven\ta\twhole\tweek. Tell\tthe\tpeople\taround\tyou\twhat\tyou\tare\tdoing.\tAsk\ta\tfriend\tto\tsupport\tyou","and\tencourage\tyou\tin\tthis\tprocess.\tPay\tattention\tto\tyour\tinitial\tanxiety.\tPay attention\tto\tyour\ttendency\tto\trevert\tto\told\tpatterns.\tAt\tthe\tend\tof\tthe\ttime period,\task\tthe\tpeople\taround\tyou\twhat\tit\twas\tlike\tfor\tthem\twhen\tyou\tput yourself\tfirst. Remember,\tyou\tdon't\thave\tto\tdo\tit\tperfectly.\tJust\tdo\tit. \t ***************************** Breaking\tfree\tfrom\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome\tinvolves\ttaking\tresponsibility\tfor one's\town\tneeds.\tOthers\tmay\tcooperate\twith\tthe\tNice\tGuy,\tbut\tthey\tare\tnot\tin charge\tof\tmeeting\this\tneeds.\tBy\tmaking\ttheir\tneeds\ta\tpriority\tand\tputting themselves\tfirst,\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tcan\tcome\tto\tsee\tthe\tworld\tas\ta\tplace\tof abundance.\tThey\tcan\ttruly\tcome\tto\tbelieve\tthat\ttheir\tneeds\tare\timportant\tand there\tare\tpeople\tout\tthere\twho\tare\thappy\tand\twilling\tto\thelp\tthem\tmeet\tthem.","Chapter\t5 Reclaim\tYour\tPersonal\tPower \t One\tSaturday\tmorning\ta\tfew\tyears\tback,\tmy\twife\tElizabeth\tand\tI\tengaged\tin\ta heated\tdiscussion\tover\tsomething\tI\thad\tdone.\tLike\tmany\tof\tour\targuments, Elizabeth\tfelt\thelpless\tto\tget\tme\tto\tsee\tmy\tdenial. At\tthe\tsame\ttime,\tI\tfelt\tunjustly\tpersecuted.\tFinally,\twhen\tthe\targument\treached an\temotional\tcrescendo,\tElizabeth\tshouted\tin\tfrustration, \\\"You're\tnothing\tbut\ta\twimp!\\\" Elizabeth\tleft\tthe\troom\tand\tI\tretreated\tto\tthe\tbathroom\tto\tdry\tmy\teyes. After\ta\tfew\tminutes\tof\treflection,\tElizabeth\tknocked\ton\tthe\tbathroom\tdoor.\tI assumed\tshe\twas\tcoming\tback\tto\ttake\tanother\tstab\tat\ther\twounded\tprey.\tInstead she\tapologized. \\\"I'm\tsorry\tfor\tcalling\tyou\ta\twimp.\tThat\twasn't\tfair.\\\" \\\"Actually,\\\"\tI\tresponded,\twiping\ta\ttear\taway,\t\\\"It\twas\tthe\tmost\taccurate\tthing\tyou said\tall\tmorning.\\\" Nice\tGuys\tare\twimps.\tThis\tmay\tnot\tsound\tlike\ta\tnice\tthing\tto\tsay,\tbut\tit's\ttrue. Nice\tGuys\ttend\tto\tbe\twimpy\tvictims\tbecause\ttheir\tlife\tparadigm\tand\tchildhood survival\tmechanisms\trequire\tthem\tto\tsacrifice\ttheir\tpersonal\tpower. As\tstated\tin\tprevious\tchapters,\ta\tcommon\tdenominator\tfor\tNice\tGuys\tis\tthat they\tdid\tnot\tget\ttheir\tneeds\tmet\tin\ta\ttimely,\thealthy\tfashion\tin\tchildhood.\tThese little\tboys\twere\thelpless\tto\tprevent\tpeople\tfrom\tabandoning\tthem,\tneglecting them,\tabusing\tthem,\tusing\tthem,\tor\tsmothering\tthem.\tThey\twere\tvictims\tto\tthe","people\twho\tfailed\tto\tlove\tthem,\tpay\tattention\tto\tthem,\tmeet\ttheir\tneeds,\tand protect\tthem. As\ta\tresult\tof\tthese\tchildhood\texperiences,\tfeeling\tlike\ta\tvictim\tfeels\tfamiliar\tfor most\tNice\tGuys.\tThese\tmen\ttend\tto\tsee\tothers\tas\tcausing\tthe\tproblems\tthey\tare experiencing\tin\tlife.\tAs\ta\tconsequence,\tthey\toften\tfeel\tfrustrated,\thelpless, resentful,\tand\trageful.\tYou\tcan\tsee\tit\tin\ttheir\tbody\tlanguage.\tYou\tcan\thear\tit\tin their\tvoices. \\\"It's\tnot\tfair.\\\" \\\"How\tcome\tshe\tgets\tto\tmake\tthe\trules?\\\" \t \\\"I\talways\tgive\tmore\tthan\tI\tget.\\\" \\\"If\tshe\twould\tjust.\t.\t.\t.\\\" A\tParadigm\tOf\tPowerlessness In\tan\tattempt\tto\tcope\twith\ttheir\tchildhood\tabandonment\texperiences,\tall\tNice Guys\tdeveloped\tthe\tsame\tparadigm:\t\\\"If\tI\tam\tgood,\tthen\tI\twill\tbe\tloved,\tget\tmy needs\tmet,\tand\thave\ta\tproblem-free\tlife.\\\" Unfortunately,\tthis\tparadigm\tnot\tonly\tproduces\tthe\topposite\tof\twhat\tis\tdesired,\tit guarantees\tnothing\tbut\tfeelings\tof\tperpetual\tpowerlessness. Even\tthough\tNice\tGuys\tare\tobsessed\twith\ttrying\tto\tcreate\ta\tsmooth,\tproblem- free\tlife,\ttwo\tmajor\tfactors\tprevent\tthem\tfrom\tattaining\tthis\tgoal.\tThe\tfirst\tis\tthat they\tare\tattempting\tthe\timpossible.\tLife\tis\tnot\tsmooth.\tHuman\texistence\tis\tby nature\tchaotic.\tLife\tis\tfilled\twith\texperiences\tthat\tare\tunpredictable\tand\tbeyond anyone's\tcontrol.\tTherefore,\ttrying\tto\tcreate\ta\tpredictable\tlife\tin\twhich everything\talways\tgoes\tas\tplanned\tis\tan\texercise\tin\tfutility. In\tspite\tof\tthe\tfact\tthat\twe\tlive\tin\ta\tchaotic,\tunpredictable\tworld,\tNice\tGuys\tare not\tonly\tconvinced\tthat\tlife\tcan\tbe\tsmooth,\tthey\tbelieve\tit\tshould\tbe.\tThis\tbelief is\tthe\tdirect\tresult\tof\ttheir\tchildhood\tabandonment\texperiences.\tThe","unpredictability\tof\tnot\thaving\ttheir\tneeds\tmet\tin\ta\ttimely,\tjudicious\tfashion\twas not\tonly\tfrightening,\tit\twas\tpotentially\tlife-threatening. In\tattempt\tto\tcope\twith\tthe\tuncertainty\tof\ttheir\tchaotic\tchildhood,\tNice Guys\tdeveloped\ta\tbelief\tsystem\tthat\tif\tthey\tcould\tjust\tdo\teverything\tright, then\teverything\twould\tgo\tright\tin\ttheir\tlives.\tSometimes\tthese\tmen\talso developed\tbelief\tsystems\tthat\ttheir\tchildhood\twas\tideal\tand\tproblem-free\t(the opposite\tof\treality)\tin\torder\tto\tcope\twith\ttheir\tabandonment\texperiences.\tThese were\tall\tdistorted\tbeliefs,\tbut\tthese\tillusions\thelped\tthese\thelpless\tlittle\tboys\tdeal with\tthe\tturmoil\tthat\twas\tout\tof\ttheir\tcontrol. A\tsecond\treason\tNice\tGuys\tnever\taccomplish\ttheir\tgoal\tof\thaving\ta\tsmooth\tlife is\tthat\tthey\tdo\tthe\topposite\tof\twhat\tworks.\tBy\tapproaching\tadult\tsituations\twith survival\tmechanisms\tthat\twere\tformed\twhen\tthey\twere\tnaive\tand\tpowerless, they\tare\tinsured\tof\thaving\tvery\tlittle\tsuccess\tin\tcreating\tanything\tthat\tresembles stability\tin\ttheir\tlives. The\tdependence\ton\tthese\tineffective\tsurvival\tmechanisms\tkeeps\tNice\tGuys trapped\tin\tthe\tmemory\tof\ttheir\tfearful\tchildhood\texperiences\tand\tperpetuates\ta vicious\tcycle.\tThe\tmore\tfrightened\tthey\tare,\tthe\tmore\tthey\tuse\ttheir\tchildhood survival\tmechanisms.\tThe\tmore\tthey\tuse\tthese\tineffective\tmechanisms,\tthe\tless successful\tthey\tare\tat\tnegotiating\tthe\tcomplexities,\tchallenges\tand\tambiguities of\tlife.\tThe\tless\tsuccessful\tthey\tare,\tthe\tmore\tfearful\tthey\tbecome\t.\t.\t.\tyou\tget\tthe picture. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#17 Look\tover\tthe\tfollowing\tlist\tof\tways\tNice\tGuys\ttry\tto\tcreate\ta\tsmooth, problem-free\tlife.\tWrite\tdown\tan\texample\tof\thow\tyou\tused\teach\tcoping mechanism\tin\tchildhood.\tThen,\tnext\tto\teach,\tgive\tan\texample\tof\thow\tyou use\tthis\tstrategy\tto\ttry\tto\tcontrol\tyour\tworld\tin\tadulthood.\tNote\thow\teach\tof","these\tbehaviors\tkeeps\tyou\tfeeling\tlike\ta\tpowerless\tvictim.\tShare\tthis information\twith\ta\tsafe\tperson. \t Doing\tit\tright. Playing\tit\tsafe. Anticipating\tand\tfixing. Trying\tnot\tto\trock\tthe\tboat. Being\tcharming\tand\thelpful. Never\tbeing\ta\tmoment's\tproblem. Using\tcovert\tcontracts. Controlling\tand\tmanipulating. Caretaking\tand\tpleasing. Withholding\tinformation. Repressing\tfeelings. Making\tsure\tother\tpeople\tdon't\thave\tfeelings. Avoiding\tproblems\tand\tdifficult\tsituations. \t ***************************** Overcoming\tThe\tWimp\tFactor\t\u2014\tReclaiming\tPersonal\tPower I\tdefine\tpersonal\tpower\tas\ta\tstate\tof\tmind\tin\twhich\ta\tperson\tis\tconfident\the\tcan handle\twhatever\tmay\tcome.\tThis\tkind\tof\tpower\tnot\tonly\tsuccessfully\tdeals\twith problems,\tchallenges\tand\tadversity,\tit\tactually\twelcomes\tthem,\tmeets\tthem\thead on,\tand\tis\tthankful\tfor\tthem.\tPersonal\tpower\tisn't\tthe\tabsence\tof\tfear.\tEven\tthe most\tpowerful\tpeople\thave\tfear.\tPersonal\tpower\tis\tthe\tresult\tof\tfeeling\tfear,\tbut not\tgiving\tin\tto\tthe\tfear. There\tis\ta\tsolution\tto\tthe\thelplessness\tand\tvulnerability\tNice\tGuys\tfeel. Recovery\tfrom\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tSyndrome\tallows\tNice\tGuys\tto\tembrace\tthe personal\tpower\tthat\tis\ttheir\tbirthright.\tReclaiming\tpersonal\tpower\tincludes:","Surrendering. Dwelling\tin\treality. Expressing\tfeelings. Facing\tfears. Developing\tintegrity. Setting\tboundaries. \t Surrendering\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tReclaim\tTheir\tPersonal\tPower Ironically,\tthe\tmost\timportant\taspect\tof\treclaiming\tpersonal\tpower\tand\tgetting what\tone\twants\tin\tlove\tand\tlife\tis\tsurrender.\tSurrender\tdoesn't\tmean\tgiving\tup,\tit means\tletting\tgo\tof\twhat\tone\tcan't\tchange\tand\tchanging\twhat\tone\tcan. Letting\tgo\tdoesn't\tmean\tnot\tcaring\tor\tnot\ttrying.\tLetting\tgo\tmeans\tletting\tbe.\tIt is\tlike\topening\tup\ta\ttightly\tclenched\tfist\tand\treleasing\tthe\ttension\tstored\tinside. At\tfirst\tthe\tfingers\twill\twant\tto\treturn\tto\ttheir\tformer\tclenched\tposition.\tThe hand\talmost\thas\tto\tbe\tretrained\tto\topen\tup\tand\trelax.\tSo\tit\tis\twith\tlearning\thow to\tsurrender\tand\tlet\tgo. Surrender\tallows\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tto\tlet\tgo\tand\trespond\tto\tlife's\tcomplex beauty,\trather\tthan\ttrying\tto\tcontrol\tit.\tSurrender\tallows\tthese\tmen\tto\tsee\tlife\tas\ta laboratory\tfor\tlearning,\tgrowth,\tand\tcreativity.\tSurrender\tallows\trecovering Nice\tGuys\tto\tsee\teach\tlife\texperience\tas\ta\t\\\"gift\\\"\tfrom\tthe\tuniverse\tto stimulate\tgrowth,\thealing\tand\tlearning.\tInstead\tof\tasking,\t\\\"Why\tis\tthis happening\tto\tme?\\\"\tthe\trecovering\tNice\tGuy\tcan\trespond\tto\tlife's\tchallenges\tby pondering,\t\\\"What\tdo\tI\tneed\tto\tlearn\tfrom\tthis\tsituation?\\\" Gil\texemplifies\tthe\tprocess\tof\tletting\tgo.\tGil\thad\treached\ta\tcrisis\tpoint\tin\this relationship\twith\this\tgirlfriend\tBarb.\tGil\thad\toriginally\tbegun\tcouples counseling\twith\tBarb\tto\t\\\"fix\\\"\ther\tproblem.\tHe\tclaimed\tthat\tshe\twas\tdepressed, angry\tall\tthe\ttime,\tand\thad\tno\tinterest\tin\tsex.\tHe\treported\tthat\the\tconstantly walked\ton\teggshells,\ttrying\tto\tmake\tsure\the\tnever\tdid\tanything\tto\tupset\ther. Gil\tand\tBarb\twere\tboth\tin\ttheir\tearly\tfifties\tand\thad\tbeen\tliving\ttogether\tfor eight\tyears.\tThey\thad\tdiscussed\tmarriage,\tbut\tboth\tfelt\tapprehension\tdue\tto\tthe unsettled\tnature\tof\ttheir\trelationship.\tAfter\ta\tcouple\tmonths\tof\tcouples","counseling,\tGil\tbegan\tto\tentertain\tthe\tidea\tthat\tall\tthe\tproblems\tin\tthe relationship\tmight\tnot\tbe\tabout\tBarb.\tHe\tbegan\tlooking\tat\this\town\tcaretaking and\tcontrolling\tbehavior. He\talso\tbecame\taware\tthat\the\thad\tfew\toutside\tinterests\tand\tno\tmale\tfriends. After\ta\tcouple\tmore\tmonths,\the\tjoined\ta\tNo\tMore\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tmen's\tgroup. Even\tas\tGil\tbegan\tto\tlook\tat\this\town\tproblems\tand\tineffective\tlife\tpatterns,\the kept\tseeking\tthe\t\\\"key\\\"\tfor\tmaking\tBarb\tbetter.\tIt\twas\ta\tslow\tprocess,\tbut\tGil began\tto\tsee\tthat\the\tcould\tnot\tdo\tanything\tto\tchange\tBarb\tand\tthat\the\twas\tgoing to\thave\tto\tfocus\ton\thimself.\tAs\the\tbegan\tto\tlet\tgo\tand\tdetach\tfrom\tBarb\the\tfelt tremendous\tanxiety.\tHe\thad\ta\tdeep\tfear\tthat\the\twas\tgoing\tto\t\\\"get\tin\ttrouble.\\\"\tHe also\tbelieved\tthat\tBarb\tcouldn't\thandle\ther\tproblems\twithout\this\thelp. With\tthe\tsupport\tof\tthe\tgroup,\tGil\tsurrendered.\tHe\tcame\tto\trealize\tthat\the\twould be\tOK\tregardless\tof\twhether\the\tand\tBarb\tmade\tit\tas\ta\tcouple.\tMuch\tto\this surprise,\ttheir\trelationship\tbegan\tto\timprove.\tAs\the\tlet\tgo\tof\ttrying\tto\tsolve\ther problems\tand\tdetached\tfrom\ther\tmoods,\tGil\tfound\tthat\the\thad\tfewer\tfrustrations and\tresentments.\tHe\teven\tbegan\tto\tsee\tBarb\tas\ta\t\\\"gift\\\"\tto\thelp\thim\twork\tthrough his\tissues\twith\this\tangry\tfather. A\tyear\tlater\the\tannounced\tto\this\tmen's\tgroup\tthat\the\tand\tBarb\thad\tset\ta\tdate\tto get\tmarried.\tHe\treported\tthat\tthey\twere\tgetting\talong\tbetter\tthan\the\twould\thave ever\timagined.\tHe\tshared\tthat\tthe\tturning\tpoint\tseemed\tto\tbe\twhen\the\tmade\tthe decision\tthat\the\tdidn't\tcare\twhether\tthey\tmade\tit\ttogether\tor\tnot.\tThat\tdecision represented\ta\tconscious\tletting\tgo\tof\ttrying\tto\tcontrol\tsomething\tthat\twas\tclearly not\tin\this\tcontrol.\tIronically,\the\tshared\tthat\tthe\tprocess\tof\tletting\tgo\tallowed\thim to\treceive\twhat\the\treally\twanted. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#18 Think\tabout\tone\t\\\"gift\\\"\tfrom\tthe\tuniverse\twhich\tyou\tinitially\tresisted\tbut","can\tnow\tbe\tseen\tas\ta\tpositive\tstimulus\tfor\tgrowth\tor\tdiscovery. Are\tthere\tany\tsimilar\tgifts\tin\tyour\tlife\tright\tnow\tto\twhich\tyou\tneed\tto surrender? Share\tthis\tinformation\twith\ta\tsafe\tperson. \t ***************************** Dwelling\tIn\tReality\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tReclaim\tTheir\tPersonal\tPower\t Nice\tGuys\ttry\tto\tcontrol\ttheir\tworld\tby\tcreating\tbelief\tsystems\tabout\tpeople\tand situations\tthat\tare\tnot\tbased\tin\treality.\tThey\tthen\tact\tas\tif\tthese\tbeliefs\tare accurate.\tThis\tis\twhy\ttheir\tbehavior\toften\tseems\tillogical\tto\toutside\tobservers. Les,\tan\tunassuming\tman\tin\this\tlate\tthirties,\thad\ta\tbrief\taffair\twith\ta\tco-worker. During\this\tinitial\ttherapy\tsession\tI\tasked\tLes\twhy\the\tthought\the\thad\tan\taffair.\t\\\"I don't\tknow,\\\"\the\treplied,\t\\\"I\tguess\tI\tjust\twanted\tsome\tattention.\\\" I\tcontinued\tby\tasking\thim\thow\the\texpressed\this\tanger\ttoward\this\twife.\tWith\ta puzzled\tlook,\the\tresponded,\t\\\"I\tnever\tget\tangry\tat\tSarah.\\\" \\\"You\tmean\tyou\ttwo\thave\tbeen\tmarried\tfor\t10\tyears\tand\tshe's\tnever\tdone anything\tto\tpiss\tyou\toff?\\\"\tI\tasked\tin\tmock\tsurprise. To\tlisten\tto\tLes\ttalk\tabout\this\twife,\tit\twas\tevident\the\thad\ther\ton\ta\tpedestal.\tIt was\tas\tequally\tclear\tthat\the\twas\tnot\tdwelling\tin\treality\twhen\tit\tcame\tto\this marriage.\tWhen\tI\tasked\tspecific\tquestions\tabout\this\twife,\tLes\trevealed\thow Sarah\thad\tgained\t60\tpounds\tsince\tthey\tmarried,\trefused\tto\tcook,\twas\tdepressed, no\tlonger\twanted\tto\thave\tsex\twith\thim,\ttreated\thim\twith\tcontempt,\tand\twould rage\tat\thim\twithout\tprovocation.\tIn\tspite\tof\tall\tthese\tthings,\tLes\tmaintained\tthat his\twife\twas\tthe\twoman\tof\this\tdreams\tand\tthat\the\tloved\ther\tdearly. Throughout\tthe\tnext\tfew\tmonths\tof\ttherapy,\tI\tconsistently\theld\tup\ta\tmirror\tof reality\tto\tLes\tin\tregard\tto\this\twife\tand\this\trelationship\twith\ther.\tThis\twas\ta\tslow and\tdifficult\tprocess.\tLes\tneeded\tto\tsee\tSarah\tin\ta\tcertain\tway\tbecause\tof\this","fear\tof\tbeing\talone.\tTo\tdwell\tin\treality\tmight\tmean\the\twould\thave\tto\tdo something\tfrightening\tor\tdifficult. As\tLes\tbegan\tto\tface\this\tfears\tof\tabandonment\the\talso\tbegan\tto\tsee\this\twife more\taccurately.\tThis\tchange\tallowed\thim\tto\tstart\tasking\tfor\twhat\the\twanted,\tset boundaries,\tand\texpress\this\tfeelings\tof\tresentment\tand\tanger.\tIt\tsoon\tbecame apparent\tthat\tSarah\thad\tno\tdesire\tto\tlook\tat\ther\trole\tin\tthe\trelationship\tor\tmake any\tkind\tof\tchanges.\tThough\tit\twas\tpainful\tand\tfrightening,\taccepting\tthings\tas they\treally\twere\tallowed\tLes\tto\tmake\tthe\tdecision\tto\tmove\tout\tand\tfile\tfor divorce. Dwelling\tin\treality\tallowed\tLes\tto\tlook\tat\twhy\the\thad\tcreated\tthe\tkind\tof\tsystem he\thad\twith\tSarah.\tIt\tput\thim\tin\ta\tposition\tto\tmake\tdifficult\tbut\trealistic decisions.\tIt\tallowed\thim\tto\taccess\tthe\tinner\tpower\the\tneeded\tto\tmake significant\tchanges\tin\this\tlife.\tIt\talso\topened\tthe\tdoor\tfor\thim\tto\tfind\tsomeone who\twas\tavailable\tto\thelp\thim\tcreate\tthe\tkind\tof\trelationship\the\twanted. \t ***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#19 Pick\tone\tarea\tin\tyour\tlife\tin\twhich\tyou\troutinely\tfeel\tfrustrated\tor\tout\tof control.\tStep\tback\tfrom\tthe\tsituation.\tIs\tthe\tdifficulty\tyou\tare\thaving\twith the\tsituation\tthe\tresult\tof\tyou\ttrying\tto\tproject\tthe\treality\tyou\twant\tto believe\tonto\tit?\tIf\tyou\thad\tto\taccept\tthe\treality\tof\tthis\tsituation,\thow\tmight you\tchange\tyour\tresponse\tto\tit? \t ***************************** Expressing\tFeelings\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tReclaim\tTheir\tPersonal\tPower","Nice\tGuys\tare\tterrified\tof\ttwo\tkinds\tof\tfeelings\t\u2014\ttheir\town\tand\teveryone\telse's. Any\tkind\tof\tintensity\tcauses\tNice\tGuys\tto\tfeel\tout\tof\tcontrol.\tAs\tchildren, feeling\tthings\tintensely\tinvited\teither\tnegative\tattention\tor\tno\tattention\tat\tall. Therefore,\tit\tcame\tto\tfeel\tsafer\tto\tclamp\ta\tlid\tdown\ttightly\ton\tany\temotion\tthat might\tattract\ttoo\tmuch\tnegative\tattention\tor\tmight\tcause\tthem\tto\tfeel\tabandoned. \t I\tremember\tearly\tin\tour\tmarriage\twhen\tElizabeth\twould\texpress\ther\tfrustration over\tmy\tinability\tto\tshare\twhat\tI\twas\tfeeling.\tLike\tmost\tNice\tGuys,\tI\thad\tcome to\tsee\tfeelings\tas\ta\tdangerous\tthing.\tAfter\t30\tplus\tyears\tof\tconditioning,\tI\thad\tno clue\twhat\tElizabeth\twanted\tfrom\tme. Even\tas\tI\tbegan\tto\tbecome\taware\tof\tmy\tfeelings,\tI\toften\tkept\tthem\tto\tmyself.\tIt is\talmost\tcomical\thow\tinfrequently\tit\tcrosses\ta\tNice\tGuy's\tmind\tto\ttell\this partner\twhat\the\tis\tfeeling.\tOn\tone\toccasion\tElizabeth\tconfronted\tme\twhen\tI shared\ta\tfeeling\twith\ther\tthat\tI\thad\tbeen\tharboring\tfor\tsome\ttime.\t\\\"Why\tdidn't you\ttell\tme\tabout\tthat\twhen\tyou\tfirst\tfelt\tit?\\\"\tshe\tquestioned. \\\"I'm\tdoing\tbetter,\\\"\tI\treplied\tin\ttypical\tNice\tGuy\tfashion.\t\\\"It\tonly\ttook\tme\ttwo weeks\tto\tget\taround\tto\ttelling\tyou.\\\" I\tfrequently\thear\tNice\tGuys\trationalize\tthe\twithholding\tof\ttheir\tfeelings\tby claiming\tthey\tdon't\twant\tto\thurt\tanyone.\tThe\ttruth\tis\tthey\tare\tcovering\ttheir\town butts.\tWhat\tthey\tare\treally\tsaying\tis\tthat\tthey\tdon't\twant\tto\tdo\tanything\tthat might\trecreate\ttheir\tchildhood\texperiences.\tThey're\treally\tnot\ttrying\tto\tprotect anyone\tfrom\tharm,\tthey're\tjust\ttrying\tto\tkeep\ttheir\tworld\tsmooth\tand\tunder control. I\tfrequently\ttell\tNice\tGuys,\t\\\"Your\tfeelings\tare\tjust\tfeelings,\tthey\twon't\tkill\tyou.\\\" Regardless\tof\twhether\ta\tNice\tGuy\tis\tfeeling\tanxious,\thelpless,\tshameful,\tlonely, rageful,\tor\tsad,\this\tfeelings\taren't\tlife-threatening. The\tgoal\tof\tteaching\tNice\tGuys\tto\tembrace\ttheir\tfeelings\tis\tnot\tto\tmake\tthem soft\tand\t\\\"touchy-feely.\\\"\tMen\twho\tare\tin\ttouch\twith\ttheir\tfeelings\tare\tpowerful, assertive,\tand\tenergized.\tContrary\tto\twhat\tmany\tNice\tGuys\tbelieve,\tthey\tdon't have\tto\tbecome\tmore\tlike\twomen\tin\torder\tto\thave\ttheir\tfeelings.\tThis\tis\twhy\tI support\tmen\tin\tlearning\tabout\ttheir\tfeelings\tfrom\tother\tmen. While\tthere\tis\tno\tformula,\tor\t\\\"right\\\"\tway\tto\tget\treconnected\twith\trepressed","feelings,\tsupport\tgroups\tcan\tteach,\tmodel,\tand\tsupport\tthis\tslow,\tbut\timportant process.\tIn\ta\tsense,\ta\ttherapy\tgroup\tcan\tbecome\tlike\ta\tfamily.\tIn\tthis environment,\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tcan\task\tfor\tthe\tkind\tof\thelp\tin\tdealing\twith feelings\tthat\twas\tnever\tavailable\tto\tthem\tas\tchildren.\tSince\tfeelings\tare\toften messy,\ta\tgroup\tenvironment\tcan\trepresent\ta\tsupportive\tplace\tto\tmomentarily\tfeel out\tof\tcontrol.\tHere,\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tfind\tout\tthey\twon't\tfall\toverboard and\tdrown\tif\tthey\trock\tthe\tboat.\tThey\talso\tlearn\tthat\tthey\twon't\tshrivel\tup\tand die\tif\tsomeone\telse\taround\tthem\thas\ta\tfeeling. Feelings\tare\tan\tintegral\tpart\tof\thuman\texistence.\tBy\tlearning\tthe\tlanguage\tof feelings,\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tcan\tbegin\tto\tlet\tgo\tof\ta\tlifetime\tof\tunnecessary baggage.\tAs\tthey\tdo,\tthey\texperience\ta\tnewfound\tenergy,\toptimism,\tintimacy, and\tzest\tfor\tlife. This\treality\thit\thome\twith\tme\ta\tfew\tyears\tago\tin\ta\tvery\tunexpected\tway. Elizabeth\tcame\tto\tme\tone\tday\tand\trevealed\tthat\tshe\thad\tbacked\tinto\ta\tparked car.\tShe\tfelt\tlike\ta\tbad\tlittle\tchild\tand\twaited\tfor\tme\tto\tscold\ther.\tEven\tbefore\tI had\ta\tchance\tto\trespond,\tshe\tbegan\tto\tput\tup\ta\twall\tand\twithdraw\tas\ta\tway\tof protecting\therself. \t I\tgot\tangry\t\u2014\tnot\tabout\tthe\tcar,\tbut\tabout\tthe\tmanner\tin\twhich\tshe\twas\tpushing me\taway.\tI\texpressed\tmy\tfeelings\tclearly\tand\tdirectly.\tWithout\tshaming\tor attacking\tI\tsaid\t\\\"Stop.\\\"\tWith\tan\tintensity\tof\temotion\tthat\tsurprised\tboth\tof\tus,\tI let\ther\tknow\tthat\tI\twasn't\tpushing\ther\taway\tand\tI\twasn't\tgoing\tto\taccept\ther pushing\tme\taway.\tI\ttold\ther\tthat\tI\tdid\thave\tfeelings\tabout\tthe\tcar,\tbut\tI\thad\teven stronger\tfeelings\tabout\thow\tshe\twas\tacting.\tI\tsaid,\t\\\"Just\tlet\tme\thave\tmy\tfeelings about\tthe\tcar,\tand\tthen\twe'll\twork\tit\tout.\\\" Later,\tElizabeth\trevealed\tto\tme\t(and\tseveral\tof\ther\tfriends)\thow\tmuch\tsafer\tshe felt\twhen\tI\thad\tmy\tfeelings.\tShe\twas\table\tto\thear\tthat\tI\twas\tupset\tabout\tthe\tcar but\tthat\tI\tdidn't\tthink\tshe\twas\tbad\tand\tI\twasn't\tgoing\tto\tabandon\ther.\tThe\tfact that\tI\thad\tsuch\tintensity\tabout\tnot\tletting\ther\tpush\tme\taway\tactually\tmade\ther feel\tsecure\tand\tloved.\tAs\ta\tresult,\tshe\tfelt\tsafe\tto\tstay\tconnected\tto\tme\tand\thear my\tfeelings\tabout\tthe\tcar.\tThe\twhole\tincident\tbrought\tus\tcloser\tand\thas\tsince provided\ta\treference\tpoint\tfor\tthe\thealing\tpower\tof\texpressing\temotions\tin powerful\tand\tdirect\tways.","***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#20 Some\tguidelines\tabout\texpressing\tfeelings. \t Don't\tfocus\ton\tthe\tother\tperson,\t\\\"You\tare\tmaking\tme\tmad.\\\" Instead,\ttake\tresponsibility\tfor\twhat\tyou\tare\tfeeling:\t\\\"I\tam\tfeeling\tangry.\\\" \t Don't\tuse\tfeeling\twords\tto\tdescribe\twhat\tyou\tare\tthinking,\tas\tin\t\\\"I\tfeel like\tJoe\twas\ttrying\tto\ttake\tadvantage\tof\tme.\\\" Instead,\tpay\tattention\tto\twhat\tyou\tare\texperiencing\tin\tyour\tbody:\t\\\"I'm feeling\thelpless\tand\tfrightened.\\\" \t In\tgeneral,\ttry\tto\tbegin\tfeeling\tstatements\twith\t\\\"I\\\",\trather\tthan\t\\\"you.\\\" Try\tto\tavoid\tthe\tcrutch\tof\tsaying\t\\\"I\tfeel\tlike.\\\"\tAs\tin\t\\\"I\tfeel\tlike\tyou\tare\tbeing mean\tto\tme.\\\" \t ***************************** Facing\tFears\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tReclaim\tTheir\tPersonal\tPower","Fear\tis\ta\tnormal\tpart\tof\thuman\texperience.\tEveryone\texperiences\tfear,\teven those\tpeople\twho\tseem\tto\tbe\tfearless.\tHealthy\tfear\tis\ta\twarning\tsign\tthat\tdanger may\tbe\tapproaching.\tThis\tis\tdifferent\tfrom\tthe\tfear\tNice\tGuys\texperience\ton\ta daily\tbasis. For\tNice\tGuys,\tfear\tis\trecorded\tat\tthe\tcellular\tlevel.\tIt\tis\ta\tmemory\tof\tevery seemingly\tlife-threatening\texperience\tthey\tever\thad.\tIt\twas\tborn\tof\ta\ttime\tof absolute\tdependency\tand\thelplessness.\tIt\toriginated\tin\tnot\thaving\ttheir\tneeds met\tin\ta\ttimely,\tjudicious\tmanner.\tIt\twas\tfostered\tby\tfearful\tsystems\tthat discouraged\trisk\tand\trewarded\tconservatism.\tIt\twas\theightened\tby\tthe\treality that\tlife\tis\tmessy\tand\tchaotic\tand\tany\tkind\tof\tchange\tpromises\ta\tjourney\tinto\tthe unknown.\tI\tcall\tthis\tkind\tof\tfear,\tMemory\tFear. Because\tof\tthe\tmemory\tfear\tcreated\tin\tchildhood,\tNice\tGuys\tstill\tapproach\tthe world\tas\tif\tit\tis\tdangerous\tand\toverpowering.\tTo\tcope\twith\tthese\trealities,\tNice Guys\ttypically\thunker\tdown\tand\tplay\tit\tsafe. As\ta\tconsequence\tof\tplaying\tit\tsafe,\tNice\tGuys\texperience\ta\tlot\tof\tneedless suffering. Suffering\tbecause\tthey\tavoid\tnew\tsituations. Suffering\tbecause\tthey\tstay\twith\tthe\tfamiliar. Suffering\tbecause\tthey\tprocrastinate,\tavoid,\tand\tfail\tto\tfinish\twhat\tthey\tstart. Suffering\tbecause\tthey\tmake\ta\tbad\tsituation\tworse\tby\tdoing\tmore\tof\twhat\thas never\tworked\tin\tthe\tpast. Suffering\tbecause\tthey\texpend\tso\tmuch\tenergy\ttrying\tto\tcontrol\tthe uncontrollable. Nolan\tis\ta\tgood\texample\tof\tthe\tparalyzing\teffect\tof\tmemory\tfear.\tNolan\tcame\tto see\tme\ton\tthe\trecommendation\tof\ta\tfriend.\tHe\thad\tbeen\tseparated\tfrom\this\twife for\ta\tyear\tbut\twas\thaving\ta\tdifficult\ttime\tmaking\ta\tfinal\tdecision\tabout\tgetting divorced. Nolan\tfrequently\ttold\tme\the\twas\t\\\"confused.\\\"\tThis\tconfusion\twas\tmixed\twith\ta strong\tdose\tof\tguilt. Nolan\tconstantly\tweighed\tall\tthe\tissues.\tWhat\tif\the\tleft\this\twife\tand\tlater","realized\tthat\tit\twas\ta\tmistake? What\tif\the\tmessed\tup\this\tkids'\tlives?\tWhat\tif\this\tchildren\tnever\twanted\tto\ttalk\tto him\tagain?\tWhat\tif\this\tfriends\tthought\the\twas\tbad?\tWhat\tif\tGod\tsent\thim\tto hell?\tAs\tlong\tas\tNolan\tstayed\t\\\"confused\\\"\tabout\twhat\the\tshould\tdo,\the\tremained paralyzed. When\tI\ttold\tNolan\tthat\tI\tdidn't\tthink\the\twas\tconfused\tbut\tthat\the\twas\tafraid,\the was\tinitially\tdefensive. He\tdidn't\tlike\tseeing\thimself\tas\tbeing\tfearful.\tAs\twe\texplored\tthe\tmemory\tfear from\this\tchildhood,\the\tcame\tto\trealize\tthat\tany\tmistakes\the\tmade\tas\ta\tchild seemed\tto\thave\teverlasting\tconsequences.\tHe\tbelieved\tthe\tsame\twould\tbe\ttrue\tin his\tpresent\tsituation. Behind\tNolan's\tfear\tof\tmaking\ta\tdecision\twas\tthe\tchildhood\tfear\tthat\the wouldn't\tbe\table\tto\thandle\twhatever\thappened.\tTogether\twe\tbrainstormed\tall\tthe possible\tconsequences\tof\tdivorcing\this\twife. \t Behind\teach\tpotential\tconsequence\twas\tthe\tunconscious\tbelief\tthat\the\twouldn't be\table\tto\thandle\tit. I\tsent\tNolan\thome\twith\this\tlist\tof\tfears\talong\twith\ta\tmore\taccurate\tstatement about\teach:\tNo\tmatter\twhat\thappened,\the\twould\thandle\tit.\tThe\tfollowing week,\tNolan\tproudly\tannounced\tthat\the\thad\tcontacted\tan\tattorney.\tEven\tthough he\tfelt\ttremendous\tfear\tand\tanxiety,\the\tfound\tcourage\tin\trepeating\this\tnew\tfound mantra:\t\\\"I\tcan\thandle\tit.\\\" Facing\tpresent\tday\tfears\tis\tthe\tonly\tway\tto\tovercome\tmemory\tfear.\tEvery\ttime the\tNice\tGuy\tconfronts\ta\tfear,\the\tunconsciously\tcreates\ta\tbelief\tthat\the\tcan handle\twhatever\tit\tis\the\tis\tafraid\tof.\tThis\tchallenges\this\tmemory\tfear. Challenging\tthis\tmemory\tfear\tmakes\tthe\tthings\toutside\tof\thim\tseem\tless threatening. As\tthese\tthings\tseem\tless\tfrightening,\the\tfeels\tmore\tconfident\tin\tconfronting them.\tThe\tmore\tthis\tconfidence\tgrows,\tthe\tless\tthreatening\tlife\tseems.","***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#21 List\tone\tfear\tthat\thas\tbeen\tcontrolling\tyour\tlife.\tOnce\tyou\tdecide\tto\tconfront the\tfear,\tbegin\trepeating\tto\tyourself,\t\\\"I\tcan\thandle\tit.\tNo\tmatter\twhat happens,\tI\twill\thandle\tit.\\\"\tKeep\trepeating\tthis\tmantra\tuntil\tyou\ttake\taction and\tstop\tfeeling\tfear. \t ***************************** Developing\tIntegrity\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tReclaim\tTheir\tPersonal\tPower Most\tNice\tGuys\tpride\tthemselves\ton\tbeing\thonest\tand\ttrustworthy.\tIn\treality, Nice\tGuys\tare\tfundamentally\tdishonest.\tThey\thave\tthe\tability\tto\ttell\ta\tlie\tor withhold\tthe\ttruth\tand\tstill\tbelieve\tthe\tillusion\tthat\tthey\tare\tbasically\thonest people.\tSince\tdishonesty\tis\ta\tfear-based\tbehavior,\ttelling\tlies\tand\twithholding the\ttruth\trobs\tNice\tGuys\tof\ttheir\tpersonal\tpower. I\tdefine\tlying\tas\tanything\tless\tthan\tthe\ttruth.\tThis\tmay\tseem\tevident\tto\tmost people,\tbut\tit\tis\timportant\tto\tdefine\t\\\"lying,\\\"\tand\t\\\"telling\tthe\ttruth,\\\"\tbecause\tNice Guys\tare\tadept\tat\tcreating\tdefinitions\tthat\tjustify\ttheir\tbehavior.\tIt\tis\tnot\tunusual to\thear\tthem\tmake\tstatements\tlike\t\\\"I'm\tpretty\thonest\\\"\tor\t\\\"I'm\thonest\tmost\tof\tthe time\\\"\twithout\tthe\tslightest\tawareness\tof\ttheir\tcontradiction\tof\tterms.\tIn\talmost\ta childlike\tmanner,\tNice\tGuys\twill\toften\toffer\tthe\tfollowing\tdefense:\t\\\"I\tdidn't\tlie,\tI just\tdidn't\ttell\teverything.\\\" Joel\twas\tthe\towner\tof\ta\tsuccessful\tconstruction\tcompany.\tOn\toccasion,\the\twould leave\twork\ta\tlittle\tearly\tand\tcatch\tan\tafternoon\tmovie\tbefore\theading\thome. Because\the\tfeared\this\twife's\tdisapproval,\the\twould\trefrain\tfrom\ttelling\ther\thow he\tspent\tthose\tafternoons.\tHe\twould\talways\thave\tsome\tcover\tstory\tready\tin\tcase she\ttried\tto\tcall\thim\twhile\the\twas\tout.\tThe\tirony\tof\tthe\tsituation\tis\tthat\tthere\twas","absolutely\tno\treason\tfor\tJoel\tto\tlie\tto\this\twife.\tIn\tspite\tof\tall\tthe\teffort\tJoel\tput into\thiding\tthe\ttruth\tof\this\twhereabouts,\tit\tnever\tcrossed\this\tmind\tthat\the\twas lying\tto\thimself\tand\tto\this\twife.\tThe\tbottom\tline\twas\tthat\tJoel's\tlying perpetuated\ta\tfear-based\trelationship\twith\this\twife\tand\trobbed\thim\tof\this personal\tpower. When\tNice\tGuys\tare\tlearning\tto\ttell\tthe\ttruth\tI\tencourage\tthem\tto\tpay\tattention to\tthe\tthings\tthey\tleast\twant\tothers\tto\tknow,\twhat\tthey\tleast\twant\tto\treveal. These\tare\tthe\tthings\tthey\tare\tmost\tlikely\tto\thold\tback\t\u2014\tand\tthe\tthings\tthey most\tneed\tto\ttell.\tSometimes\tthey\thave\tto\tpractice\ttelling\ta\tcertain\ttruth\tseveral times\tuntil\tall\tof\tthese\tpieces\tof\tinformation\tget\ttold. Sometimes\tafter\ttelling\tthe\ttruth,\tNice\tGuys\twill\treport\tthat\tit\twas\ta\t\\\"mistake\\\" because\tsomeone\treacted\twith\tanger.\tTelling\tthe\ttruth\tis\tnot\ta\tmagic\tformula\tfor having\ta\tsmooth\tlife.\tBut\tliving\ta\tlife\tof\tintegrity\tis\tactually\teasier\tthan\tliving one\tbuilt\taround\tdeceit\tand\tdistortion. Developing\tintegrity\tis\tan\tessential\tpart\tof\trecovery\tfrom\tthe\tNice\tGuy Syndrome. My\tdefinition\tof\tintegrity\tis\t\\\"deciding\twhat\tfeels\tright\tand\tdoing\tit.\\\" The\talternative\tis\tusing\tthe\t\\\"committee\tapproach.\\\"\tThis\tmethod\tof\tdecision- making\tand\tacting\tis\tbased\ton\ttrying\tto\tguess\twhat\teveryone\telse\twould\tthink\tis right.\tFollowing\tthis\tcommittee\tapproach\tis\tthe\tquickest\tpath\tto\tconfusion,\tfear, powerlessness,\tand\tdishonesty. When\tapplying\tthe\tdefinition\tabove,\tthere\tare\ttwo\tways\tto\tbe\tout\tof\tintegrity, but\tonly\tone\tway\tto\tbe\tin\tit.\tWhen\ta\tNice\tGuy\tnever\teven\tbothers\tto\task himself,\t\\\"What\tdo\tI\tthink\tis\tright?\\\"\tor\tuses\tthe\tcommittee\tmethod,\the\twill always\tbe\tout\tof\tintegrity.\tIf\the\tasks\thimself\twhat\the\tbelieves\tis\tright\tbut\tdoesn't do\tit,\the\tis\talso\tout\tof\tintegrity.\tOnly\tby\tasking\thimself\twhat\the\tbelieves\tis\tright and\tthen\tdoing\tit\tdoes\the\tbecome\ta\tman\tof\tintegrity.","***************************** Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#22 Choose\tone\tarea\tin\twhich\tyou\thave\tbeen\tout\tof\tintegrity.\tIdentify\tyour\tfear that\tkeeps\tyou\tfrom\ttelling\tthe\ttruth\tor\tdoing\tthe\tright\tthing.\tReveal\tthis situation\tto\ta\tsafe\tperson.\tThen\tgo\tand\ttell\tthe\ttruth\tor\tdo\twhat\tyou\thave\tto do\tto\tmake\tthe\tsituation\tright.\tTell\tyourself\tyou\tcan\thandle\tit.\tSince\ttelling the\ttruth\tmay\tcreate\ta\tcrisis\tfor\tyou\tor\tothers,\thave\tfaith\tthat\teveryone involved\twill\tsurvive\tthis\tcrisis. \t ***************************** \t Setting\tBoundaries\tHelps\tNice\tGuys\tReclaim\tTheir\tPersonal\tPower Boundaries\tare\tessential\tfor\tsurvival.\tLearning\tto\tset\tboundaries\tallows\tNice Guys\tto\tstop\tfeeling\tlike\thelpless\tvictims\tand\treclaim\ttheir\tpersonal\tpower. Boundary\tsetting\tis\tone\tof\tthe\tmost\tfundamental\tskills\tI\tteach\tto\trecovering\tNice Guys. I\tdemonstrate\tthe\tconcept\tof\tboundaries\tby\tlaying\ta\tshoestring\ton\tthe\tground.\tI tell\tthe\tNice\tGuy\tthat\tI\tam\tgoing\tto\tcross\this\tboundary\tand\tpush\thim\tbackwards. I\tinstruct\thim\tto\tstop\tme\twhen\the\tbegins\tto\tfeel\tuncomfortable.\tIt\tis\tnot\tunusual for\ta\tNice\tGuy\tto\tstand\twell\tback\tfrom\tthe\tline,\tallowing\tme\tto\tviolate\this\tspace several\tsteps\tbefore\the\teven\tbegins\tto\trespond.\tOnce\tI\tstart\tpushing,\tit's\tnot uncommon\tfor\ta\tNice\tGuy\tto\tlet\tme\tpush\thim\tback\tseveral\tsteps\tbefore\the\tdoes anything\tto\tstop\tme.\tSometimes\ta\tNice\tGuy\twill\tlet\tme\tpush\thim\tall\tthe\tway\tto the\twall. I\tuse\tthis\texercise\tas\ta\tgraphic\tdemonstration\tof\tthe\tneed\tfor\tboundaries\tin\tall areas\tof\tlife.\tNice\tGuys\tare\tusually\tmore\tcomfortable\tback-pedaling,\tgiving\tin, and\tkeeping\tthe\tpeace.\tThey\tbelieve\tif\tthey\ttake\tone\tmore\tstep\tbackward,\tthe other\tperson\twill\tquit\tpushing,\tand\tthen\teverything\twill\tbe\tsmooth.","It\tis\tnot\tunusual\tfor\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tto\tgo\ta\tlittle\toverboard\twhen\tthey\tfirst learn\tabout\tboundary\tsetting.\tThey\thave\ta\ttendency\tto\tswing\tfrom\tone\textreme to\tanother.\tThey\tbecome\tKamikaze\tboundary\tsetters.\tThey\ttry\tto\tset\tboundaries with\ta\tsledge\thammer\tor\tmachete.\tThey\tusually\tlearn\tin\ttime\tthat\tthey\tonly\thave to\tuse\tas\tmuch\tresistance\tas\tnecessary\tto\tget\tthe\tjob\tdone. In\ttime,\tthey\talso\tlearn\tthat\tboundary\tsetting\tisn't\tabout\tgetting\tother\tpeople\tto be\tdifferent,\tbut\tabout\tgetting\tthemselves\tto\tbe\tdifferent.\tIf\tsomeone\tis\tcrossing their\tboundary,\tit\tisn't\tthe\tother\tperson's\tproblem,\tit\tis\ttheirs. Because\tof\tmemory\tfear,\tNice\tGuys\toften\tunconsciously\treinforce\tthe\tvery behaviors\tthey\tfind\tintolerable.\tDue\tto\ttheir\tchildhood\tconditioning,\tthey teach\tthe\tpeople\taround\tthem\tthat\tthey\twill\taccept\thaving\ttheir\tboundaries violated.\tAs\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tbegin\tto\ttake\tresponsibility\tfor\thow\tthey\tlet people\ttreat\tthem,\ttheir\town\tbehavior\tbegins\tto\tchange.\tAs\tthey\tstop\treinforcing things\tthey\taren't\twilling\tto\ttolerate,\tthe\tpeople\taround\tthem\tare\tgiven\tthe opportunity\tto\tbehave\tdifferently.\tThis\tgives\trelationships\ta\tchance\tto\tsurvive and\tgrow. Jake,\tan\tenlisted\tman\tin\this\tmid-twenties,\tis\ta\tgood\texample\tof\thow\ttolerating intolerable\tbehavior\tcan\tkill\ta\trelationship,\tand\thow\tsetting\tboundaries\tcan\tgive a\trelationship\ta\tchance\tto\tsurvive. Just\tprior\tto\this\tmarriage\tto\this\twife\tKisha,\tKisha\thad\tan\taffair\twith\tan\told boyfriend.\tBecause\tJake\tdidn't\twant\tto\tlose\ther,\the\tforgave\ther\tand\tpromised\tto never\tbring\tup\ther\tinfidelity.\tThis\testablished\ta\tpattern\tof\tKisha\tpretty\tmuch doing\twhatever\tshe\twanted\twhile\tJake\twithheld\this\tfeelings\tand\twalked\ton eggshells.\tHe\twould\talways\tmeasure\this\twords\tin\torder\tto\tavoid\tsaying\tanything \\\"wrong\\\"\tthat\tmight\tupset\ther. \t On\tone\toccasion,\twhile\tthey\twere\tout\tdrinking\twith\tsome\tfriends,\tKisha\tgot drunk.\tWhenever\tshe\thad\ttoo\tmuch\tto\tdrink\tshe\twould\tbecome\tbelligerent\tand promiscuous.\tOn\tthis\toccasion\tshe\tmade\tseveral\tdemeaning\tremarks\tto\tJake\tand spent\tmost\tof\tthe\tevening\tslow\tdancing\twith\tother\tmen\tin\tthe\tbar. After\tholding\this\ttongue\tas\tlong\tas\the\tcould,\tJake\tfinally\ttold\tKisha\tthat\tshe\twas drunk\tand\tthat\tit\twas\ttime\tto\tgo\thome.\tShe\tswore\tat\thim\tand\tkept\ton\tdoing\twhat she\twas\tdoing.\tJake\tretaliated\tby\tcalling\ther\ta\t\\\"bitch\\\"\tand\tdrove\thome.","One\tof\ther\tfriends\tbrought\tKisha\thome\tthe\tnext\tmorning.\tFor\tthe\trest\tof\tthe\tday she\tgave\tJake\tthe\tsilent\ttreatment.\tHe\ttried\tto\thold\tout,\tbut\tafter\ta\tfew\thours\tof misery,\the\tapologized\tfor\tcalling\ther\ta\tbitch. Later\tthat\tweek,\the\tsomewhat\treluctantly\ttalked\tabout\tthe\tepisode\tin\this\tNo More\tMr.\tNice\tGuy!\tgroup. The\tgroup\tmembers\tlovingly\tconfronted\thim.\tThey\tpointed\tout\thow\this willingness\tto\ttolerate\this\twife's\tintolerable\tbehavior\tgave\ther\ta\tlicense\tto\tact\tin any\tway\tshe\tpleased.\tThey\ttold\tJake\tthat\tthe\tproblem\twas\tnot\tKisha,\tit\twas\thim. Until\tJake\tchanged,\this\twife\twould\thave\tno\tincentive\tto\tchange.\tBy\tnot\tsetting boundaries\the\twas\trobbing\this\tmarriage\tof\tthe\topportunity\tto\tbecome\twhat\tit could\tbe. The\tnext\tday,\tJake\tconfronted\this\twife.\tHe\tacknowledged\this\trole\tin\ttheir situation.\tHe\ttold\ther\tthat\the\twas\tno\tlonger\tgoing\tto\ttolerate\tintolerable behavior.\tHe\ttold\ther\this\tboundaries.\tHe\twould\tno\tlonger\ttolerate\tKisha\tdancing or\tflirting\twith\tother\tmen.\tHe\twould\tnot\ttolerate\ther\tdemeaning\thim\tin\tfront\tof their\tfriends.\tHe\ttold\ther\tthat\tif\tshe\twanted\tto\tstay\tmarried\tto\thim,\tshe\thad\tto\tgo to\ttreatment\tfor\ther\tdrinking\tproblem. Kisha\tresponded\tby\ttelling\tJake\tthat\tno\tone\twas\tgoing\tto\ttell\ther\twhat\tto\tdo.\tShe packed\ta\tbag\tand\tmoved\tout\tthat\tnight\tto\ta\tfriend's\thouse.\tEven\tthough\tJake\twas miserable\tthe\tnext\tfew\tdays,\the\tresisted\tthe\ttemptation\tto\tcall\ther\tand\tbeg\ther\tto come\tback.\tInstead,\the\tcalled\tsome\tguys\tin\tthe\tgroup. Three\tnights\tlater,\tKisha\tcalled\tand\tsaid\tshe\twanted\tto\ttalk.\tShe\tcame\tover\tand told\tJake\tthat\teven\tthough\tshe\tinitially\twanted\tto\ttell\thim\tto\tgo\tto\thell,\tshe\tknew he\twas\tright.\tFor\tthe\tfirst\ttime\tin\ttheir\tmarriage,\tshe\tsaid\tshe\tfelt\trespect\tfor\thim. She\tsaid\tshe\twanted\tto\tsave\ttheir\tmarriage\tand\twas\twilling\tto\tdo\twhatever\tit took\tto\tmake\tit\twork.\tThe\tfollowing\tweek\tKisha\tentered\ttreatment. \t *****************************","Breaking\tFree\tActivity\t#23 Before\tyou\tcan\tstart\tsetting\tboundaries,\tyou\thave\tto\tbecome\taware\tof\thow much\tyou\tback\tup\tfrom\tyour\tline\tto\tavoid\tconflict\tor\tto\tkeep\tthe\tpeace.\tFor the\tnext\tweek,\tobserve\tyourself.\tDo\tyou\tsay\t\\\"yes\\\"\twhen\tyou\twould\trather say\t\\\"no\\\"?\tDo\tyou\tagree\tto\tdo\tsomething\tto\tavoid\tconflict?\tDo\tyou\tavoid doing\tsomething\tbecause\tsomeone\tmight\tget\tupset\tat\tyou?\tDo\tyou\ttolerate an\tintolerable\tsituation,\thoping\tthat\tit\twill\tjust\tgo\taway?\tWrite\tthese observations\tdown\tand\tshare\tthem\twith\ta\tsafe\tperson. \t ***************************** Take\tA\tWalk\tOn\tThe\tWild\tSide There\tis\tno\t\\\"key\\\"\tto\ta\tsmooth\tlife.\tBeing\t\\\"good\\\"\tor\tdoing\tit\t\\\"right\\\"\tdoesn't insulate\tNice\tGuys\tfrom\tthe\tchaotic,\tever-changing\trealities\tof\tlife.\tAll\tthe\tNice Guy\tparadigm\tdoes\tis\tcreate\twimpy\tmen\twho\tallow\tbullies\tto\tkick\tsand\tin\ttheir face\tor\tshame\tthem\tfor\tloading\tthe\tdishwasher\t\\\"wrong.\\\" As\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tbegin\tto\tsurrender,\tdwell\tin\treality,\texpress\ttheir feelings,\tface\ttheir\tfears,\tdevelop\tintegrity,\tand\tset\tboundaries,\tthey\taccess\ta power\tthat\tallows\tthem\tto\twelcome\tand\tembrace\tthe\tchallenges\tand\t\\\"gifts\\\"\tof life.\tLife\tisn't\ta\tmerry-go-round,\tit's\ta\troller\tcoaster.\tAs\tthey\treclaim\tpersonal power,\trecovering\tNice\tGuys\tcan\texperience\tthe\tworld\tin\tall\tof\tits\tserendipitous beauty.\tLife\twon't\talways\tbe\tsmooth,\tit\tmay\tnot\talways\tbe\tpretty,\tbut\tit\twill\tbe an\tadventure\t\u2014\tone\tnot\tto\tbe\tmissed.","Chapter\t6 Reclaim\tYour\tMasculinity \t Contrary\tto\tthe\tprevailing\tsentiments\tof\tthe\tlast\tfew\tdecades,\tit\tis\tOK\tto\tbe\ta guy. Men\tborn\tafter\tWorld\tWar\tII\thad\tthe\tmisfortune\tof\tgrowing\tup\tduring\tthe\tonly era\tof\trecent\twestern\thistory\tin\twhich\tit\twas\tnot\talways\ta\tgood\tthing\tto\tbe\tmale. This\twas\tprimarily\tthe\tresult\tof\ttwo\tsignificant\tfamily\tand\tsocial\tchanges\tin\tthe post\twar\tera:\t1)\tboys\twere\tdisconnected\tfrom\ttheir\tfathers\tand\tother\thealthy male\trole\tmodels,\tand\t2)\tboys\twere\tforced\tto\tseek\tapproval\tfrom\twomen\tand accept\ta\tfemale\tdefinition\tof\twhat\tit\tmeant\tto\tbe\tmale. As\ta\tresult\tof\tthese\ttwo\tdynamics,\tmany\tboys\tand\tmen\tcame\tto\tbelieve\tthat\tthey had\tto\thide\tor\teliminate\tany\tnegative\tmale\ttraits\t(like\tthose\tof\ttheir\tfathers\tor other\t\\\"bad\\\"\tmen)\tand\tbecome\twhat\tthey\tbelieved\twomen\twanted\tthem\tto\tbe.\tFor many\tmen,\tthis\tlife\tstrategy\tseemed\tessential\tif\tthey\twanted\tto\tbe\tloved,\tget their\tneeds\tmet,\tand\thave\ta\tsmooth\tlife. Due\tto\tthe\tcontinuing\tsocial\tchange\tof\tthe\tlast\thalf\tof\tthe\t20th\tcentury,\tthis belief\tsystem\tis\tno\tlonger\tlimited\tto\tjust\tmen\tof\tthe\tbaby\tboom\tgeneration.\tI frequently\tobserve\tmen\tin\ttheir\tthirties,\ttwenties,\tand\tteens,\twith\tstrong\tNice Guy\ttraits.\tIt\tseems\tthat\teach\tsuccessive\tgeneration\tof\tmen\tare\tbecoming\tmore and\tmore\tpassive. This\tsocial\tconditioning\teffects\tNice\tGuys\tin\tmany\tways: \t Nice\tGuys\ttend\tto\tbe\tdisconnected\tfrom\tother\tmen. Nice\tGuys\ttend\tto\tbe\tdisconnected\tfrom\ttheir\town\tmasculinity."]
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