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H aileigh met me at Strand Bookstore, a historic New York City gem in the East Village. With “18 miles of books,” Strand is known as one of the world’s greatest book shops. The diversityof their selection is what makes it so great with everything from cur-rent fiction, to sci-fi, children’s books, to old cookbooks. At 88-years-old,Strand receives between 6,000 and 10,000 guests daily. It’s absolute heav-en even if you aren’t a bibliophile, creatives of all kinds will especiallylove the second floor full of art books.We began to setup in the children’s department in the back of the secondfloor. Strand’s twice-a-day story time would soon take over the area, sowe migrated to the third floor. Little did I know, this floor was home tothe legendary Rare Book Room, a quiet space lined with shelves packedwith a fascinating collection of decades old books and magazines fromall eras, leather-bound classics and signed first editions. It’s a space youwould think the average technology-obsessed 5-year-old would have nointerest in. But not Haileigh. “This place is cool!” she said as she scannedthe shelves for a book to explore. “I love history! It’s my favorite subjectin school.”Whitney Hu, Marketing Director, showed Haileigh a Mary Poppins bookfrom the 1930’s (right). Haileigh looked quite surprised when she realizedjust how old Mary Poppins actually was. As we stepped into the elevatorto move to another area of the store, a woman was rather impressed withHaileigh’s bright yellow ZARA Kids trousers and Bobo Choses sweater.“Does she always dress like that? She dresses better than me!” Haileighhumbly smiled and said “Thank you.”Although seemingly unaware of just how cool and Insta-famous she trulyis, that is not the case. “This is normal for her,” Zulay Vasquez, a chil-dren’s fashion stylist and Haileigh’s mom said. She explained that sinceinfancy, people have always stopped her daughter to ask about her cloth-ing. Now, she’s often recognized on the street with people saying, “Ohmy gosh! It’s Hails!”
Jacket MARCIANO GIRL BY GUESS? KIDS www.minioutfittermag.com • 52Top MARMAR COPENHAGENSkirt HUCKLEBONESSocks GAP KIDSBooties BROOKS BROTHERSHair Barrette JOYFOLIEBracelets LOVE MY ALANNAH
Jacket RALPH LAURENSweater BOBO CHOSESTrousers & Shoes ZARA KIDS
Half way through our shoot, you could tell Miss Haileigh was slowing down,but nothing a Slurpee delivered by her father couldn’t cure. “I’ve had a longweekend,” the mini star told me, who quickly perked up after a few sips ofthe sugary drink. A few days earlier, Haileigh was in the Haddad Brands’Kids Rock! Spring 2016 Fashion Show during New York City’s FashionWeek. The bi-annual event was hosted by Dascha Polanco from Orange isthe New Black and supported by a multitude of stars and their children. Hail-eigh strutted her stuff alongside the celebrity kids of NFL player Victor Cruz,actress Melissa Joan Hart, reality star Melissa Gorga, Russell Simmons andNew York Knicks forward, Carmelo Anthony.Haileigh Vasquez is not only a hard worker, polite and beyond sweet, sheis the epitome of an INSTAfluencer. She was one of the first “fashion kids”of Instagram and now has over 113k followers (@hails_world). Her momstarted her IG account when she was just 3-years-old. “Ever since she wasan infant, people would go nuts wanting to take pictures of Hails and hermini skinny jeans, baby trench and Uggs. She was one trendy baby,” Zulaytold us. “Once I shared her pictures on IG, it went viral and everyone startedfollowing. She was one of the only kids that dressed the way I styled her, thatposed in every picture… It’s naturally her. She’s always been very feminine,walking with her hand on her hips and taking her handbag everywhere.”Haileigh has been a signed talent since she was 3. Currently working withAbrams Artist Agency and New York Models, her mother always knew shewas ‘all about this life.’ “She’s always loved the camera and she was soattentive.” Zulay tells us that Haileigh truly loves the entertainment industryand this is why she allows Haileigh to participate in fashions shows, pho-toshoots and make television appearances. “It’s fun for her to pretend to besomeone else, she likes to model because she loves that every one puts theirfocus on her. It makes her feel like the queen of the world.”
Jacket, Dress, Backpack, Boots ZARA KIDSSocks CREWCUTS BY J. CREW
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Jacket MARMAR COPENHAGENJumpsuit CREWCUTS BY J. CREWHeadband SIENNA LIKES TO PARTYBracelets LOVE MY ALANNAHFringe Boots ZARA KIDS
I N STA F LU E N C E ÐEVAANN Instagram: @ethan.and.evan At 4½ and 3-years-old respectively, Ethan and Evan from Sydney, Australia are fluent in French and have more clothing than their own mother! The stylish duo are also brand repre- sentatives for a bunch of cool kidswear companies. Combining their moms love of shopping for them and clothing sent by shops they represent, we can understand why they have so many clothes! Luckily, they are 18 months apart so they can share most pieces. We love that their momma and stylist, Chloe, is a #shopsmall supporter, buying from indepen- dent businesses and Instagram stores. “I love to shop small! I could go on and on about the brands I love,” she says. Some of her favorites include MÔMES (@momesstore), Lil’ Mr (@ lilmrclothing), Baby Legging Co (@babyleggingco), Reignland Concept (@reignlandcon- cept) and Kromekids (@kromekids) to name a few. Street style looks heavily influence Chloe’s inspiration palette for styling her boys. She aims for versatility, mixing and matching pieces that don’t traditionally belong together. “Boys fashion is a little more tricky than girls, as it’s limited to what they can wear. But, there is so much more than jeans and t-shirts!” __________ Why do you love your big brother so much? EVAN: My brother is my hero! When I grow up I want to be just like him! I love that he seems to know everything. He is funny and shows me how to pose for my photoshoots. What’s your favorite activity to do with your brother? EVAN: We love pretend playing that I am my daddy and he is my son (me). We also love playing Power rangers and Ninja turtles! What’s your favorite memory with your little brother? ETHAN: We always have fun together. I love it when Evan chases me around! I adore my little brother and want to do everything with him. I still remember the time we went to Fiji back in April, we had the best time there. Swimming and playing all day was so much fun! What do you love most about Evan? ETHAN: He listens to me most of the time and loves me so much! I love him too! He is so funny and makes me laugh all the time! __________ What they’re wearing: ETHAN: Shirt: MÔMES / @momesstore / momes-store.com • Pants: MARLOE JR. / @marloe.jr / marloe-jr.se • Aviators: FJS POPSHOP / @fjs_popshop / fjspopshop.com • Bibdanna: BEBAZ BIBZ / @bebaz_bibz / facebook.com/bebazbibz • Chain: KROME KIDS / @kromekids / kromekids.bigcartel. com • Shoes: CONVERSE / converse.com EVAN: Shirt: MÔMES / @momesstore / momes-store.com • Cape: HARLOW HANDMADE / @harlow_handmade / harlowhandmade.bigcartel.com • Chain: KROME KIDS / @ kromekids / kromekids.bigcartel.com • Jean Shorts: REIGNLAND CONCEPT / @reignlandconcept / etsy.com/ shop/reignlandconcept • Aviators: FJS POPSHOP / @fjs_popshop / fjspopshop.com Styled by CHLOE YIN
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J&ACMKASOSON N BROTHERS Instagram: @twolilbros5-year-old Jackson and his little brother Mason, age 3, are from the Washington, D.C. area.Their mother, Anita, tells us that the pair both have their own unique characteristics. “Jacksonis a sweetheart and very creative. He loves to play with Legos; we call him our Master Builder.Jackson also enjoys drawing characters, especially Ninja Turtles and monsters, and playing in-dependently or with others. Mason, on the other hand, must play with others. He loves to dressup as various superheroes. He is our little entertainer. Mason loves to dance and perform and isa bit more talkative than Jackson, engaging with people walking by, even babies!”They are similar in many ways, especially when it comes to food. Both boys have multiplefood allergies that, as their mother describes, “make dinner complicated.” Combined, they areallergic to dairy, soy, eggs, wheat, sesame seeds, grapes, green beans, peanuts and tree nuts. “Asyou might imagine, discovering what they could eat was a challenge at first, but as you can see,they do not miss any meals and they enjoy eating healthy snacks,” Anita says.When it comes to the boys fashion, their style is inspired by their parents love for urban fashion,positive vibes and all things “funky fresh,” from music to art and culture. The duo is also theinspiration behind their parents kidswear line, Two Lil’ Bros, named after them. “We value theiryouthfulness, happiness and positive outlook on life. We try to incorporate these characteristicsinto our designs.” Aside from wearing the family brand, they love Haus of JR (@hausofjr) andLil’ Mr (@lilmrboysclothing) while mixing in pieces from H&M and GAP Kids. __________What do you love most about your big brother?MASON: He is handsome like me.What’s your favorite game to play with your brother?MASON: Superheroes.What’s your best memory with Mason?JACKSON: When we went to Niagara Falls and me and Mason stood under the waterfall andthe water almost washed us away.What’s your favorite thing about your little brother?JACKSON: He copies everything I say and laughs at my jokes. __________What they’re wearing: MASON: Shirt: TWO LIL’ BROS / @twolilbros / twolilbros.etsy.com • Pants: LIL’MR / @lilmrboysclothing / lilmr.com.au • Boots: TIMBERLAND • Hat: JORDAN BRAND/NIKE JACKSON:Shirt: TWO LIL’ BROS / @twolilbros / twolilbros.etsy.com • Pants: HAUS OF JR / @hausofjr / hausofjr.com •Boots: TIMBERLAND • Hat: JORDAN BRAND/NIKEStyled by ANITA DELOACH
I N STA F LU E N C E A&RJCUHDEER Instagram: @missdmj Two-year-old Jude and his 4-year-old older brother, Archer, love anything with wheels! They beg their mom to take them to construction and work sites around Melbourne, Australia. “They absolutely love going,” their mom says. On the way to these sites, you can usually find Jude signing in the car, one of his favorite things to do, while Archer loves to read. Their mother, Donna, credits some of her styling inspiration from other trendy kids on Instagram. “But mostly, I buy things that catch my eye. I love monochrome, camo print and khaki, while adding a pop of color occasionally with accessories like beanies, scarves and cardigans.” When it comes to purchases, mom buys pretty much everything for them online. “Be- ing from a small town, we don’t have a lot of shops to choose from.” She enjoys shop- ping for basics online from Target and Cotton On Kids (@cottononkids). It seems like shopping small for boys is a parents best bet, with some of the coolest clothing being offered by small shops. Donna agrees, with most of her sons clothing being from Lil Mr (@lilmrboysclothing), Adam + Yve (@adamandyve), Duke of London (@duke- oflondon), Jr. Cooper Clothing (@jr_cooper_), Beau Hudson (@beau_hudson) and HOWI (@howi_clothing). __________ What’s your favorite thing about your big brother? JUDE: When my brother lets me play with him. I love to try and keep up on bikes and scooters. I love to play with my brothers toys. What’s do you enjoy doing most with Archer? JUDE: Playing superheroes. What’s your best memory with Jude? ARCHER: Playing at the beach and in water parks on holidays. What’s your favorite thing about your little brother? ARCHER: I love that he is silly and does things to make me laugh. I like playing monsters with him, building nests and chasing each around the house. __________ What they’re wearing: ARCHER: Shirt: AXEL & SIS / @axelandsis / axelandsis.com.au • Pants: JR COOPER CLOTHING / @jr_cooper_ / jrcooper.co • Shoes: CONVERSE JUDE: Shirt: FUNKY LITTLE MONKEY / @funkylittlemonkey / funkylittlemonkey.bigcartel.com • Cardigan, Jeans, Beanie: BEAU HUDSON / @beau_hudson / beauhudson.co • Shoes: CONVERSE Styled by DONNA JENNINGS
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ONES TO WATCH@KHLOEEJAE With 66k followers on Instagram, this 4-year-old Utah resident doesn’t quite know what Instagram or followers are. “People will always tell Khloee they follow her on IG and that she has more followers than them. Her older teenage sisters are always wanting a ‘shout out’ on her account,” Khloee’s mom Kim explains. Her Instagram account is filled with modeling photos, behind-the- scenes pictures from photoshoots and of course her envious #OOTD style. Kim describes her daughter’s style as “comfortable,” with casual and cute rompers to dressy-dresses being Khloee’s favorites. She loves to accessorize with sunglasses, jewelry, headbands--the works! Her current style influence? Ke$ha, thanks to the Wii game Just Dance. “She wants to dye her hair pink now!” Khloee and her mom are huge supporters of the #shopsmall movement, sup- porting small and handmade shops on Instagram. “I have a shopping addic- tion! I love so many IG shops!” Kim says, with her favorites being Rags to Raches, Kardashian Kids, Joyfolie, Arch n Ollie, Taylor Joelle and Little Edge Threads. Target, H&M and GUESS? Kids are her brick-and-mortar go-to’s. When she’s not being an Insta-star, you can find Khloee camping, riding her bike and scooter, or at the pool and hanging out with her older sisters. “She is very athletic and has so much energy. She loves to go to Crossfit with me. She always wants to be doing something.” Keep up with Khloee by following her on Instagram: @khloeejae Khloee is wearing: ‘Duh’ Short Sleeve Romper by RAGS TO RACHES (@rags_to_ raches), hat by NANI HATS (@nanihats), STANCE socks and CONVERSE sneakers.
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ONES TO WATCH@TYS_THREADS Ty is shoe obsessed. The first thing he does in the morning is pick out his shoes. And they must be clean! “He’s still your typical boy and runs through mud any chance he gets, he just expects me to clean them when he is fin- ished!” his mother Kelsey explains. The 20-month-old is a brand representative and ambassador for numerous shops and brands worldwide. You’ll never catch him in the average little boy/baby looks, which makes him a go-to for many parents who want to style their son differently. “I’ve always liked him to look like a little man. So I look for clothes that al- low me to do that.” His mother in influenced by Justin Timberlake’s style and likes for Ty to have that same streetwear style while still looking “clean and sharp.” And just because he’s a boy, don’t put accessories past Ty. He loves his sunglasses, hats and his dog chain. Kelsey is a huge supporter of small shops and claims 98% of her sons clothing is from Instagram shops. Her favorites being Trilogy Design Co, Jr. Cooper and Roman and Leo. With 13k followers, Ty’s still too young to fully be aware of his insta-fame and influence in the little boys fashion world, but he is definitely leaving his mark. Keep up with Ty by following him on Instagram: @tys_threads Ty is wearing: white tee by ADAM + YVE (@adamandyve), black skinny jeans by JR. COOPER CLOTHING (@jr_cooper_), TIMBERLAND boots and ROMAN and LEO (@romanandleo) sunglasses.
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ONES TO WATCH@PRESCHOOLDIVA Dana says her daughter came home from school one day and said, “Mommy, my teacher asked if I was ‘preschooldiva.’ She said that she has been follow- ing me. She thought I lived in New York and that I was fabulous!” Peyton knows she has a lot of followers but doesn’t quite understand what it means even when people recognize her. But you know you’re insta-famous when you’re referred to as your Instagram handle! Originally from Alabama but living in Texas for the past couple of years, it’s no surprise this 6-year-old country girl is obsessed with denim shorts and Cowboy boots. She wears them “winter, spring, summer, fall!” her mother Dana says with a smile. Peyton’s looks are a mix of ZARA, H&M, and items from Dillard’s Depart- ment Stores where her mom works in business operations. She also is a brand representative for many IG shops who send her clothing and accessories. Peyton’s favorite IG shops are @Poutinfashion, @Candyland_Boutique, @ Fashionkidstore and Joyfolie for shoes. “She has more shoes then anyone in the house and can be conned into almost anything with shoes and purses as bait!” says her mom. When we asked Peyton what she wanted to be when she grew up, her mother expected her to say an actress. However, Peyton responded with: “I want to be a baby heart doctor Mommy...but I’m not wearing that white coat... I’m wearing my good clothes to work!” Peyton has a close friend named Jaymee who is only 5-years-old and has had open heart surgery. Peyton asks questions all the time about how the doctor made Jaymee’s heart better. Peyton takes her fashion serious, but is very competitive and a soccer-loving tomboy at heart. Peyton also loves to perform in front of groups of people. “She is not shy at all. Give her a mic and she will sing her heart out!” Peyton is wearing: Whiter Boyfriend Blazer by ZARA KIDS, Black Waxed Denim by GAP KIDS, Cowboy Boots by CINCH BOOTS, Black Turban, Gang Bracelets, Aviator Sunglasses, Foxtail Keychain all from POUTIN FASHION BOUTIQUE (@ poutinfashion).
EDITORIAL SBTOYLYINSG whole new world out there of “cool fashion” with current trends by Nadine Venditi based on Men’s European fashion and street style. The key is to maintain comfort to suit the busy little boy on-the-move! Boys are the most fun to style these days with limitless options of fresh and modern threads. I know I’m biased with 2 boys, Australian up and coming label Lil’ Mr (@lilmrboysclothing) but hey, they don’t worry as much about their outfit so ma- has nailed those trends, designing the perfect street wear for mas—you have control! your lil’ mister, simple, yet edgy, never boring and most im- portantly comfy! Let’s be real: kids are not always cute rays of Fashion for boys has come a huge way forward. There’s a sunshine. They have attitude, no fear and determination—so their style should match. Duke of London (@dukeoflondon) is another Aussie fashion brand who’s taken over boys childrens- wear with quirky, fun and functional trans-seasonal designs that both you and your boys will love. Unisex and monochrome fashions are sweeping boys childrens- wear as well with a minimalist influence. Huxbaby (@huxba- by) features loads of ‘x’ and ‘+’ prints, bold graphics and are now sizing up to a 6. Mixing the street style and moncohrome trend to perfection is Adam + Yve (@adamandyve) and Beau- bella Youth (@beaubellautdk). A hidden gem of mine is new European designer Kindish (@kindish_), with threads to be- come obsessed with! The playful, freedom to laugh attitude behind the label is evident in their designs. Cool, bold, simple and minimal monochrome to perfection. This brand is one to
FAS H I O Nwatch. Don’t be afraid to mix the monochrome trends and test 55555shop), @feuiyeshoes which the boys are obsessed withthe boundaries—bold stripes with black and white graphics, and @maashoes for a splurge. Big on mens fashion bloggersblack and white patterns and textures. at the moment and now down to the kids/boys is sport luxe. So simple athletic sneakers like Nike or Adidas in all one colourStyling boys with all of the amazing brands out there is addic- can be that pop of colour that the monochrome outfit craves! -tive, but sometimes not so great for the bank account! However, shoes are the perfect way to play with colour and be bold andclothing doesn’t need to be designer or the most expensive to confident!get the look. Add staple items to your child’s wardrobe fromCotton On Kids (@cottononkids), Bonds (@bondsaus), Tar- My boys and I never leave the house without accessories! Myget, Zara and many handmade shops. Handmade rompers are a handbag is filled with goodies from sunglasses (@fjs_popshopperfect staple piece and look effortlessly uber cool! Being a one has you covered), trucker hats from Klobby Boosoo (@klooby-piece, they make styling a lot easier. Brands that carry rompers boosoo), knit beanies, Swankaroo backpacks (@swankaroo),to check out are Rags to Raches (@rags_to_raches) and Tribe big pom-poms or slouch beanies (@beauhudson).+ Pax (@tribeandpax). Match these simple one pieces andbudget friendly clothing with your favorite stand out pieces. Far from the world of conventional clothing especially for boys we have come! Instagram has many online stores and brandsShoes are a huge factor in accessorizing and can make or break that you will fall in love with (or obsessed- insta-annoynomousthat outfit. There is a massive variety and market for kids shoes here we mamas come!). Seriously though, have a scroll throughright now if you know where to look. Loafers are making a the store I’ve mentioned, which stock amazing brands you willstatement for the dapper dude and take that outfit to sophisti- not know how you lived without! Remember with boys- don’tcation. Our favorite of the moment are loafers by Love Mum- be afraid. Be bold. Go for it. Be dapper, be fun, playful, bold,mahh (@lovemummahh) and @peanutandmuscles. Boots unique and stand out boys!are also top of the list at the moment. The rugged boot look,examples Dr. Martens, Converse shoes/boots (@mytribeof- Follow Nadine and her boys style insta-blog @lovedbymama.
EDITORIAL ECO FASHION: TOTRHRUEGTHANICbyJesraeMoylan How many of you think thoroughly about fabrics when Quality is another upside to organic clothing. Amy Hill, shopping for your kids? To be honest, I usually buy what Creative Director and Owner of AMIAMO, has chosen to catches my eye based on the print and style. But what if you only use organic fabrics for her brand for the quality organic were educated to learn a bit more about investing in items fabrics offer. “The softness [from organic fabric] on the that not only benefit your child, but the environment and the child’s skin means that they will be more comfortable and workers that create the clothing? Recently, more and more want to wear it all the time. I have also found that you can shops and brands are marketing their items as “organic.” wear it year round and it lasts a lot longer than regular cotton But what exactly does that mean? What makes it special? because it holds its shape better, which is very important if Is it worth the higher pricing? How can I know if a product you are buying expensive products.” truly is organic? Protecting your child and quality is not the only reason to By definition, organic clothing is made from materials choose organic. A completely organic production process raised in or grown in compliance with organic agricultural also helps the environment and the workers that are standards and the source of the clothing’s fibre are free from involved in the process. Peta was a professor of International herbicides, pesticides, or genetically modified seeds. Relations before she started her company, Sapling Child. Her PHD specialized in Human Rights and International Organic clothing is derived from organic cotton that has Development Issues. “One thing that always resonated with been cultivated according to the guidelines of organic me throughout my studies in International Development was farming; therefore this positively affects the environment, the seemingly constant ways that big clothing companies agriculture and the health of cotton planters worldwide. were reckless in their production of clothing and shoes,” Clothing made in this process makes it that much more she explains. So when she approached her production, she special because it not only protects the ones wearing it, but wanted to show the world that you could produce clothing it possesses a safety and health precaution to those involved in an ethical way. “We didn’t just want to make the organic in the production of the final product. choice because it was better for babies, but also because it was a better and safer choice for our workers and our earth. Being chemical-free is the most obvious reason why organic Design and production can be beautiful and ethical; it really clothing is the new choice for brands as well as parents is the way of the future.” purchasing clothing for their little ones. Amanda, Owner of Baby Sprouts & Company, agrees. “Organic clothing is Mini Rodini is a brand that takes pride in their organic, important to a lot of new moms and their children. As a new and sustainable production practices. They even offer a brand, we felt this was needed in more baby and children’s public sustainability report to cover the ways in which the clothing because more and more people are wanting to company is sustainable. Klara Gardtman, Buyer and CSR watch what chemicals they put into not only their food, Coordinator for Mini Rodini (@minirodini) explains, “We but what they wear. We are confident and proud that our chose to work with sustainability for everyone and every clothing is safe!” place in the chain of a products lifetime; from raw material to finished product as well as how to care for the garment in
an environmentally friendly way.” ORGANIC COTTON FACTSI soon learned that textiles do not need to be 100% • Chemical pesticides are not usedorganic to use the organic label. “The downfallto organic products is that it is difficult to really • Organic cotton farming produces far less CO2 emissions - Organic farming takesdecipher what is organic from what is not,” says 1.5 tonnes of CO2 per acre per year are taken out of the atmosphereChaandni Singh, Owner & designer of Naaya byMoonlight. “Unfortunately there are no tests that • Organic cotton farming uses up to 60% less water than conventional farmingcan distinguish this. It’s really all about trusting methodsyour supplier, doing your research, making surethey have all the correct certifications to ensure • Pesticide or herbicide residues are not entered accidentally into the environmentwhat they say you are getting is really what it is.”Some clothing companies can claim an item being • Humans and animals are not exposed to chemical pesticides or herbicidesorganic because the cotton used is indeed 100%organic, but sometimes the dye used or other fabrics • When the fabric is discarded, pesticides and herbicides are not returned to thein the item aren’t organic. earth in landfill, or enter into recycling process.As a mom and an avid online shopper, I don’t • It can take almost a 1/3 pound of synthetic fertilizers to grow one pound of rawalways buy organic, but at the end of the day, we all cotton in the US, and it takes just under one pound of raw cotton to make onewant what’s best for our kids and our environment. t-shirtI believe organic cotton is definitely worth the buybecause you’re paying for a cleaner and safer itemfor your child that creates a multitude of positiveeffects both socially and environmentally.
CO LU M N A BEACON OF HOPE by Lindsey Mullins I don’t remember how I made it into that room, onto the gether in love. My heart stirred in confliction with excitement edge of that examination table, staring blank and terrified for them, and despair for me – because I didn’t have that. And into the eyes of my obstetrician. I do remember that it that’s how it was supposed to be. A baby was supposed to be was October, and that there was an hour long drive, an elevator, created with love, not malicious intentions, but there I sat: alone some papers signed, the calling of my name… but I do not recall and violated and confused. And so I just didn’t look. I sunk back any detail about getting there. All I remember is there I was, my into the stillness – the bad kind of stillness, until my name was normally dancing legs as still as my heart had been for the past called and I made my way back to the examination room. several weeks, dangling off of that table. But it wasn’t the good and peaceful kind of stillness – oh no. It was the terrified, flat- I couldn’t tell you what she was asking me, my doctor, because lined, don’t-move-a-muscle-if-you-want-to-spare-your-life type the tears I had been harboring for the entirety of that first pre- of stillness. The kind of stillness and vulnerability an animal natal visit, since I refused to give them an outlet, seemed to be displays when being stalked by it’s prey – filling up my insides. They were flooding my lungs and rising all the way up into my ears – making it impossible to hear any- unable to fight, thing but the sloshing of my own tears inside of me. The nod- ding must have sufficed until she uttered the words “paternal unable to run, medical history,” and that’s when the floodgates opened. I could no longer suck in my tears as I whimpered through quivering simply stuck in paralyzed terror as its only hope for survival. lips, “I… I don’t know. I don’t know, and I do not feel safe finding out.” And that was it. She nodded gently and graciously That’s how it felt. proceeded with the appointment, an ultrasound was to be per- formed next. I could tell you a little bit about the waiting room, about how I couldn’t make eye contact with the other mamas-to-be, one hand I never imagined something so tiny could so colossally trans- rubbing their gorgeous, blooming bellies and the other tucked form both my world and my heart. I glanced at the screen dis- gently into the hand of their husband, their protector, exchang- playing the ultrasound, which to me just looked like various ing delighted glances about the little life they had created to-
THE SINGLE SOULblack and white and grey shapes until I noticed, there in the hope, I was overcome with a realization that made my heartmidst of all the shadowy contours, a figure not bigger than a lighter than it had ever been. In that moment I realized that joyblueberry. As I fixed my eyes on that shape, I blinked into clari- was not a feeling, but instead, a condition of the heart.ty a tiny white light flashing in the middle of the blueberry, andthat’s when I felt it: During that time in my life, I felt sad. I felt really, really, sad. But sad was just a momentary feeling. And after I saw that heart-Hope. beat, I would continue to feel sad, but I had that hope to hold onto in the midst of difficult and frightening circumstances. II exhaled in wonder as my heavy and shadow-laden tears turned like to think of joy in the same way I think of that heartbeat.to tears of joy in midstream down my cheek. That blinking While I was surrounded by fear and doubt, facing emotions Ilight? That was the heartbeat of my child. The quick but steady never imagined having to process, that little heartbeat was anrhythm of life of my very own. While my baby, as far as humans unfaltering glow of hope in my life that kept me pressing on re-operate, may not have been made in love, it was irrevocably gardless of how I was feeling. In life, when you choose to haveclear to me now that he was created for love. And that meant joy, it will always be that little glow in your heart, steadfast andeverything. That blinking light was a beacon of hope. comforting even when you aren’t feeling happy, when nothing seems right, when you’re downright despaired. There is joy inI recently received an e-mail from a young woman asking me for mourning, joy in all circumstances, because the sister of joy isadvice about how to feel joyful when surrounded by dark and hope, and they are abundant. Joy isn’t an emotion, but joy istroublesome circumstances in life. Upon reading her e-mail, my a promise fulfilled, and today, along with every day forever, Imind took me back to that day in October, when I was terrified choose joy – I hope you do, too!and heavy hearted, legs dangling still from that examination ta-ble. I remember wondering the same thing that day, how was XO,I going to get past this? After everything that had happened, I Lindscould never imagine ever feeling joy again. But once I saw mychild’s six week old heartbeat on the ultrasound, that beacon of
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