Standing Proud Poetry Anthology 2020

Two Crescent Moons Half-moon me, half-moon you, Together wholly swallowed by the night. As it goes, we were both jagged crescents, Neither fully formed but carefully cutting together in jets And spurts of red which fell to earth Like lead, smashing craters into everywhere we made Our bed. STANDING PROUD 151

The Bibliophagist Since Day One I’ve read nine books. My hasty calculations suggest that this is 30 well-crafted words for every one of mine that has intruded on my addled mind in the last three weeks. It’s no wonder I feel so calm; I’ve been expertly suturing stories into a soothing sling to rest my brain in. Plastering pages upon pages over a gaping wound, and when the blood starts to seep through and mingle with the ink, I just pull another book from the shelf. It’s great for my mental health. Right now, there are a million and one things I’d rather think about than all the grieving I know that eventually I’ll have to do. I’d rather read about a hen party-turned-slaughterhouse, and bloody-mouthed boys being carved up by gorse than of the gory details of your future remoulding. It’s beautifully bittersweet getting lost in the loves and losses of a Japanese couple who form a deep bond with a neighbour’s cat. I don’t want to consider right now the possibility that one day our bond may be severed. In this moment, the pure agony of Birthday Letters is easier to stomach than the pain of losing the first version of you, despite all of our insurmountable gains and I’d rather drown in the Ocean at the End of the Lane than in the bubbling cauldron of my current misery. I know I’ll never run out of the ultimate escape – the stories on my shelves could last me half a lifetime. I also know that sooner or later I’m going to have to find out where our story goes, even if it wasn’t quite where I always expected it to. Don’t you just love a plot-twist? 152 STANDING PROUD

Learning To Swim A dread sweat is the only thing tacking This mask to my face. One of these days One of you will lean through the screen Of our virtual meeting and ping The whole thing into space. When that day comes, I will not be surprised. You can still see my eyes though I’ve tried To obscure them and if it isn’t torn off I’ll only forget to secure it. Head full of waves these days, pushing plenty of Shrapnel to shore but never anything of value. Is it obvious that I didn’t struggle your struggle? Never told I was loving all wrong, never having to Find strength for the fight so that women and women Can be wed, Never needing to fear death for daring to hold A lover’s hand on a bus, in the streets, In front of family who can’t bear to see the truth. A life-long staunch supporter but I’ve been wading in Different waters, only ever flirting with the deep end. Now is probably a good time to learn to swim. STANDING PROUD 153

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CLAIRE G.M BENSON (She/Her) A 31-year-old woman from Malvern. I have used writing poetry as a way of coping with my mental health. I am excited for having my work published in this book, and I want to say a massive ‘Thankyou’ to Holly Winter- Hughes for making this possible. You have helped me gain confidence and kept me going whilst fighting Covid. Hope you enjoy this amazing book, filled with work from talented writers. STANDING PROUD 155

Telling My Parents I’m Gay I waited many years to tell my parents I was gay, Those several years were used to worry about what they’d say, The possible outcomes clouded my mind, Did I know my parents that well, would their words be kind? The mixture of emotions swam around my mind for years, Would I leave them disappointed; would I be the reason for tears? I wanted them to be proud of me, would this affect our bond? Would they still love and protect me and go above and beyond? It’s hard to live in a world where people feel they have to ‘come out, Leaving many in the community feeling fear and self-doubt, A rollercoaster of emotions twisting around the bends, Wondering if this judgement actually ever ends, When the time came to tell my parents, the roller coaster began its ride, Could I still count on my parents, would they stand by my side? My voice was shaky, as I tried to find the words to say, “Mum, Dad, I’m gay”. Shock took over their faces as they digested the news, I waited in anticipation as they told me their views, Dad didn’t really say much, he’s never been good with words to say, Mum held me tight and said they both loved me in every single way. After years of worrying, and scared of what their reaction might be, The relief was overwhelming, they loved me for me, They are still by my side, and proud of who I am today, They love me, and I am proud to be gay. 156 STANDING PROUD

Society Fears Why do they look at me, why do they stare? The feeling of anxiety too much to bear, As much as I try to fit in to the crowd, It’s as if my fears are screaming out loud. Why is it hard to fit into society? Like Pick’N’Mix there’s such a variety, Wouldn’t it be boring if we all looked the same? Stop putting people in boxes, life’s not a game. We are all beautiful, we’re all unique, Let’s use our voices, our voices to speak, Stand up for each other when we see hurt, Challenge the opinions but stay alert. Have pride in the person you are today, Don’t listen to ones who say it’s wrong to be gay, The fabulous people in the LGBTQ+ family, Let’s celebrate who we are really meant to be. STANDING PROUD 157

You’re Not Alone I will be your voice when the words won’t come out, I will be your strength when your body gets tired of fighting, I will be your sight when your eyes can no longer look at the pain and the suffering, I will be your hearing when your ears are pained by the poisonous words being preached, I will be your legs to hold you up when you’re restricted by the weight of the world, I will be there when you’re told it’s wrong to be different, I will continue to remind you that you are not weird, or abnormal, Whether you’re a boy who likes boys, or a girl who likes girls, if you like both sexes, or you are transgender, non-binary. Whatever your identity is, it is who you are, and you are beautiful in every kind of way. 158 STANDING PROUD

Boxes A confined space, So restricting, so claustrophobic, Tightly shut with no room to breathe, Different shapes and sizes, Expected all to be called parcels, Drowned in labels, Thrown around, no care given to them, Its destination already chosen, That’s what it’s like being put into a box. STANDING PROUD 159

You Were There You were there when everyone else disappeared, You leant me your touch, you leant me your ear, You were there when no one else noticed, You showed me love when I felt fear. You were there in my darkest days, You made me feel that everything would be alright, You helped form my armour, you helped form my shield, To help protect me against my own personal fight. You were there at the end of the phone, It didn’t matter to you if it was night or day, You picked me up, and you gave me hope, And to you, this is what I’d like to say. Thanks to you, you made me believe, That there are some shining lights in the dark, The time you showed your love and strength, In the difficult times, you were my spark. 160 STANDING PROUD

Before We Meet Not long to wait, The train should arrive at quarter past eight, Do I look as smart as can be? Will she even recognise me? It’s been years since we last saw each other, Will she see past that I’m no longer her brother? Will she hug me, will she be kind? Or will she say it’s all in my mind. My palms have begun to sweat, As I imagine what it’ll be like when we’ve met, I anxiously stare at the trains passing by, Starting to feel guilty for living a lie. STANDING PROUD 161

The Struggles The struggles are real, I don’t know how to feel, The battle carries on, Feeling like a no one. Depression surrounds you, suffocates, Feeling so alone, hibernates, Never feeling good enough, Knowing this journey is going to be rough. These feelings they aren’t fake, Wondering how long they are going to take, They linger, they surround, They beat you to the ground. Days spent in bed, Negative thoughts fill your head, Loved ones don’t seem to understand, They push, they assume, they demand. Everybody has their own individual battle, Don’t treat us the same, we’re not a herd of cattle, We need love, we need support, We don’t know how to feel, it’s not taught. Not everybody’s struggles are plain to see, Some are hidden behind smiles and glee, Most days feel like a mountain to climb, Hidden behind the lie, I’m doing fine. Lies can be used to hide it from the world, That everyday we’ve struggled since being a small boy or girl, “I’m ok, I’m doing well” are phrases that are used, When all we want to say is “I’m hurt and confused”. 162 STANDING PROUD

Where Does It Hurt? There he lies clutching his side, As if he has something to hide, Rolling around grimacing in pain, Shouting in anger, “he’s done it again”. There he lies protecting himself, Starting to feel a decline in his health, “What have I done to deserve this?” he cries, On the cold uneven side street, he lies. A police officer approaches the man, And tells him “I’m going to do all that I can”, “Tell me what’s happened, where does it hurt? We need to remove you away from this dirt.” The man starts to cry as the shock intensifies, “he said he loved me, it’s all lies,” “Who did this to you?” the police officer enquires, “My fiancé,” says the man, “aka ‘Mike Myers’.” His breathing becomes laboured, as he lies on the ground, “I’m going to do all that I can, so your fiancé is found.” The man starts to shiver, as if he’s fading away, He whispers, “he took it out on me, because he doesn’t want to be gay.” He starts to lose colour, he’s lying as still as can be, The police officer starts assessing his body, that’s when he can really see, The scars on his chest, the burn marks on his arm, He knows he’s been subjected to years of harm. The bruises on his body, are the only colours to be seen, As his lifeless body lies at what is now a murder scene, He died from hurt, he died from pain, His life was lost, and for him only peace was gained. STANDING PROUD 163

Wishing Toilets Were Unisex For something so natural I hate using public toilets I deprive myself of drinks Just so I won’t have to use the toilet You see the thing is I’m constantly told I’m in the wrong toilets Yes, I’m a six-foot woman And I like to wear unisex clothes But I am still a woman And underneath my unisex clothes Are two breasts That I sometimes feel like clutching And telling the ignorant person That I have breasts And I’m not afraid to use them It would be a more comfortable experience If toilets were unisex It would allow a lot of people Who suffer the same kind of prejudice To pee in peace Without getting stared at Or the looks of people trying to ‘work out’ What gender you are If you fit in to the ‘correct’ societal box Misgendering towards myself doesn’t just stop at the toilets when I go to a checkout and I’m next in line nearly 9 times out of 10 I’m asked, “what can I get you, Sir?” I do love to see their faces though 164 STANDING PROUD

When I reply in my more than feminine voice And the way you can see them squirm As they realise they’ve made a mistake I think it is important that we don’t assume A person’s gender Keeping it neutral is a safer approach As you can’t offend anybody STANDING PROUD 165

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ANDREW GARDNER (He/Him) Andrew aspires to be a novelist and is currently working on his sci-fi novel Jack and the Unsightly Drecknoch from Outer Space. He’s not ready to quit his day job just yet and works as an administrator at St Richard’s Hospice, Worcester. This group has given him the time and freedom away from such a big project to explore other modes of writing within a safe and inclusive space. STANDING PROUD 167

A Fussy Queen On Grindr There was always someone better, Some adventure to take me Into the realms of desire, Lighting the fire of passion. The drive to keep running, scrolling, pursuing the chase to taste the truth of the picture. Images on the screen guide my greedy loins, I hunger for someone younger, fitter, better than before, Always calling, prying for my attention, Offering me more, than you. On a date, in a downtrodden café (Because you wouldn’t risk it on me) Ground beans and chitter chatter echo around, Your words whisper against the richness of sound. Tra-dum. One voice calls out to me, A welcome, exciting surprise. You’re shocked to hear it, get up to go. “Don’t” I half-heartedly start, But we were already through. Anticipation, unwrapping the gift, The recipient behind the veil of my screen It’s a risk but chance is better than this date, Fallen flatter than my cappuccino. Pixelated perversions arrive across my screen Neurons and nerves rise within my being In the warm glow of my palm I witness a man with a bone. Is it unsolicited when my profile says to send them? Probably not, but this beast could take out an eye. I hit block. No thanks. Move on. 168 STANDING PROUD

That sound again. Tra-dum. I’m in luck. Maybe this time I’ll get down to – Send some serious getting-to-know-you messages He’s sent me a picture of his cocker-Spaniel I’d rather he sent an aubergine, I’d put that up my - Oh! But this is getting me nowhere I need to narrow down my search. Too fat, too thin, too old, too young, Too spontaneous, too dull, too headstrong, Too easy, too eager, too flash, Too camp, not enough cash. I block them all. And only the best remain, Perfect images, I’ve worked hard to obtain. Kept within my phone only one click away Hungrily, I gaze at my gorgeous display. As the days go by and the messages fly Profiles vanish without a goodbye. I’ve wasted my time looking for the best, I scroll through my phone, there’s nobody left. They labelled me a stuck-up queen Blocked by all the men I longed to date. The perfect profiles dissipate, gradually Alone, I being to deteriorate. STANDING PROUD 169

Eli In a Bavarian bar, shotting Jäger, The mountain air brings sharp focus I spot you through the crowd Broad shoulders, dark hair, wearing red. Cheeks flushed from the cold, You’re speaking in dialect with close friends But I distinctly catch your husky voice. Helecopter is playing. Typical Après music. A young Brit pulls his underwear down, Intending to windmill in time to the track You shoot him a look. Square glasses, chiseled jaw. You turn serious, switching to English. He climbs down, trips over his trousers, Landing face first. You laugh. My chest flutters with melancholic warmth I’m glad you’re happy. I miss you I miss who I used to be, and I wish that it had worked I think of all the things I want to say and then slip out By the rear door. As the music continues Your laugh cuts across The alpine air. 170 STANDING PROUD

Encounter I spotted him in the aisle, just turning past the plinth At least, I think I did. I think it was. But maybe… not. I dither. Do I say his name? What if it wasn’t? What if a stranger turns in the place of a former lover? What if it is him and yet still unknown? A knot forms. Butterflies. Back of the head, Disappearing down the next aisle. Messy come-to-bed hair now wild. Occasionally trimmed by some unsteady hands I wonder who, turning the corner, observing him Reaching on tip toes for a packet of cornflakes His face creased with that look of concentration. It’s definitely him. Do I offer to help? Box, falling, lands Neatly in the trolley. My opportunity stolen by chance. He moves on. I follow. The back of his head once so familiar, Caught in fleeting glances, lit by artificial LED. He finally notices me, as I’m picking up a diet shake. He just glances, “Oh! Hi, y’alright?” He asks, But moves on before I answer. How like him. STANDING PROUD 171

Flavoured Colours of the rainbow promotional pride tat This year it’s flavoured condoms Red – Cheeky Cherry Orange – Honey, popular with bears Yellow – Lemon. A little tart Green – Sour apple for queens Blue – Twink approved bubblegum Purple – Fig Pudding, for the greedy bottom The shelves brimming, bursting about to explode, Free, they’re snatched up, taken to the parade. It seems they have every flavour except cock, So, they’ll do for balloons. Durable, and Left floating around for days to come. Rainbows Colours that meant friends, safety and parade. Now decorate windows across our land I wonder, were they drawn by hateful hands? and, suddenly, I find myself afraid. They wave rainbows at the weekly applause. Passing a pub, man and dog sit outside Its collar, presumably made for Pride, Re-purposed. Stolen for this other cause. Could a queer frequent this establishment? Could I wave my flag with my own meaning? Would they dislike my sexual leaning? Landlord’s fascist tats, reveal malcontent. But he beckons me inside, pours a pint, Says, don’t worry lad, it’s gay night today. 172 STANDING PROUD

The Fiancé The weight of your ring on your boyfriend’s finger. The air stiff. Noiseless. Held in the moment. The flames of desire launched crusades. I dream of Homer. A dutiful lover back home. A sense of déjà vu. Men away for years, Sea Gods, Mere reflections of spirits, Brought to life with Music, Beer, Blood and Lust. The night you serenaded me with my brother’s guitar. We drank beer. Later you kissed me, on the cheek. A mere sign of friendly affection. Now you’ll meet another man at the aisle. Tall, broad, bearded. An artist. You told me of a night you found a third in your bed. Three soldiers equipped, awaiting orders. If your love can survive that… Nostalgic when should be nonchalant. A dream of what might have been. But he’s your other half. I look at you, as if you’re half a man. No longer available. Unable to come out without permission From the ball and chain. Maybe you’re into that Maybe you have a cage and a whip. I could imagine you’d like that But I push it aside when eventually I meet him. His smile, Sickeningly sweet. Diabetic. STANDING PROUD 173

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ANONYMOUS STANDING PROUD 175

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Leather Pride Red, black, blue and white Red heart - the power of love and attraction Black leather creaking - boots buffed to a shine Blue police uniform - authority and power White for surrender - total, absolute A consensual power exchange Erotically charged Much misunderstood Mistaking the consensual for the coercive Assuming that what we do is a gateway to abuse Overlooking the blindingly obvious... That any non-consensual sex is unethical Owning a whip doesn’t make you an abuser Feeling one doesn’t make you a victim Or am I perhaps Taking myself too seriously? STANDING PROUD 177

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OLIVER BLISS (He/Him) I’ve recently moved with my partner and cat to start our new life together in Worcester. Rather than being a writer, instead I would say I’m a passionate reader and love anything creative. I was looking for my community and ended up discovering a lot more. The Standing Proud Writers’ Group came at just the right time for me. It has given me the opportunity to link with a caring bunch of people and discover new creative skills. The group has been incredibly supportive, nurturing and welcoming. It has become a highlight to the weekend. I have the pleasure of listening to different stories and experiences whilst having the opportunity experiment and share in a safe environment. This is really the beginning of a creative writing journey for me and I am so glad I gave it a go. It can be nerve wracking to try something new, even scarier to voice words out loud. What is wonderful about the group is you develop at your own pace and share as much as you want. So, if you a newbie like me and feel a sense of interest reading this. I hope it’s enough of a nudge to encourage you to join us and give it a go as well. STANDING PROUD 179

Mother And Son We were sat on a small wooden bench In an orchard past an old cemetery I remembered seeing this orchard Whilst under-performing during PE I had often seen the base of the hill from afar I would be running in circles Scanning those undulating slopes Spotted between shortened breath Rows of trees and tombstones Long grass leaning in motion Depicting the flow of the wind Flakes of white and gold Moments of light Motion and memory I told myself, one day I’ll go there I’ll have a little walk Step beyond the confines of this school Test myself See what I can explore I hadn’t bothered though And you couldn’t call it a regret But today, for my first time We all went Just to walk the dog You said it was a ‘new little spot’ The others had already scattered across hatched paths Whilst we had wondered towards thatched silhouettes 180 STANDING PROUD

Under the canopy of trees It was nice to be outside and breathe Everyone else knew, and told me We should talk We should talk We should talk And I couldn’t see what you could say That could make a difference But I was content enough for a walk There had been fewer chances for times like this Walking halfway up on that hill The incline had tested us in different ways By the time we reached the bench It was a comfort to sit there Eventually, in the end It was you, who approached the subject And I knew Looking out below to those rows of trees You were giving me what I needed A private pocket of space and time Between us So, I told you everything, and you didn’t say a word As I spoke I didn’t know the weight of the thing caged within I hadn’t owned its name I didn’t allow myself to hold the shape of it I knew it was pressed hidden between my cells But I didn’t know where the words were within me STANDING PROUD 181

As I grappled with the twist of the words Found hooks to pin it all down You listened And eventually Between a slip of my tears I had said aloud ‘For the first time, I really feel - Limited’ And I never knew it before The precision of those words It cut beyond, initial shame It defined an ineffable form And I hadn’t known I needed it But saying out loud was enough There was bittersweet release You allowed me to acknowledge I am an ephemeral form And all you did was hug me And made me feel enough 182 STANDING PROUD

To Me At Sixteen They tell you are ‘sensitive’ and it’s true. But it’s not the only thing they really mean when they call you ‘sensitive’. I know it hurts you when they say it and they have that expression on their face. It’s a look of distaste; like they just sampled something rotten. Or they say the word ‘sensitive’ with a laugh, and they dismiss the absurdity of whatever they saw in you; that made them think of that word. Sensitive means more than one thing though. You’ve learnt to associate the word as something negative. Describing something wrong for a boy your age. It’s a word that means you are easily damaged. You’re scared, weak, soft and just plain fragile. You feel compared to a delicate pansy; trapped among bricks and rocks and I know how angry that makes you inside. You don’t want to be rock or brick and you can’t understand why they won’t leave you alone. But that anger doesn’t serve you. You are not thinking right now about what has made you feel that anger inside. You are stuck, and it’s a miserable feeling, and it is consuming you. You are not letting anyone else take that anger away from you. You are holding on to that anger because you want to become like them. You think, you need that emotion to harden yourself in order to survive. STANDING PROUD 183

That anger is something they gave you, and you know deeper inside; it doesn’t belong with you. I want to tell you what else the word ‘sensitive’ can mean. You never bothered to look it up in the dictionary because you struggle with your words. At the moment you struggle to articulate yourself inside your own head and that make it worse when it comes to speaking out loud. It’s one of the reasons you started to stop talking about your feelings. You might not realise right now, but you have always been aware there is more than one meaning to the word ‘sensitive’. You’ve even used it in several contexts yourself. I wish you could have reflected sooner that there are multiple meanings to this word, and I wish you bothered to look it up. If you had, you would find out it can mean ‘To be quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences.’ That’s actually what sensitive can mean in the right context. Did you know you can be quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences? It’s actually a little bit of a gift. So, they are sometime right to give you that label ‘sensitive’ because at times this can be true. You are different to them because you are compassionate, and you are receptive to other people’s feelings. 184 STANDING PROUD

At the moment you don’t really value this ability, you don’t have the right vocabulary to help yourself understand this concept. This is a secret you’ve kept inside yourself because you don’t yet fully understand it. You don’t know how to really use this invisible thing or where it comes from. You don’t realise yet, you are feeling more complex emotions for the first time. You don’t yet value your range of emotions or realise that learning to understand them is complex. Emotions are as difficult as any other school assignment. Your school didn’t teach about emotions as a subject, they chose to give you maths instead. Unfortunately, ‘sensitive’ is a word that can also mean you get easily offended or upset. You have crammed lots of feeling inside you and you never let any of them out. You strangled each of them with your anger and silenced them into place. You’ve held onto their shadows and sat with them like best friends. Frankly, your hormones are swimming everywhere right now. They make you feel more receptive to everyone. At times this is too much to handle and you’re like a vampire struck by sunlight. But you are not a vampire (as cool that could sound) and there is nothing wrong with allowing light into your life. I want you to be more aware. I want you to register that each new emotion you feel, you are sampling it as though it is a three-course meal. STANDING PROUD 185

You dissect and explore every thread of it and then you stuff your face full of it. Sometimes this is good for you, it’s how you digest your experiences and make sense of them all. Sometimes the emotions don’t digest well, and you suffer for it. You however, savour all those sensations regardless and let them linger. Sometimes you indulge yourself too much and these feelings, they can ferment. At times, the fermentation acts like a spirit, it courses though the blood and affects the way you act. At times you hold those feelings for too long and they putrefy and become toxic. This is because you don’t trust anyone else with your feelings. You feel too protective them, these feelings are like little creatures. They are these unexplainable shapes inside you that don’t fit well or make sense, but they are all yours. At times you are scared for them and at other times, you are scared by them. This can be overwhelming for you because you feel you have been facing these things alone. You are not alone. You already know the people that you can trust, you just have to be a little bit braver than you are right now. This means putting that trust into action, prove to yourself that you do trust them. You need to start saying the things you have always wanted to. 186 STANDING PROUD

What you’ll learn is that they will keep on helping you, in ways you won’t expect. They will help work out some of the trickier things that don’t seem to make sense. They won’t judge in the way you think they will. No-one taught you how to truly trust and you have always been wary. I recommend you just test it out. Start small, and share a little piece, see what happens. At the moment you are used to not sharing anything and holding that secret inside. For a while that worked for you. At first the secret was like a hug in cold weather, it kept you feeling safe and warm. But then that feeling multiplied, more feeling came together and they piled up. These feelings were little creatures that formed into a monstrous mass. They stacked up upon you, and made you feel like you couldn’t breathe. You heard them whisper to you their reasons to stay silent; and you listened. But now it’s got to the point where you want to say something, but you feel like you can’t because the monsters all clamp your mouth shut. You don’t want to let anything slip out. You are afraid now, to be seen as ‘sensitive’, because they told you it’s wrong. You are afraid if you get too comfortable with yourself; they will see the bits of you which they say is ‘wrong’. You’re afraid your softness will leak through and that terrifies you more than anything. You are terrified because you feel alone. You are terrified because you are vulnerable and don’t want to expose yourself further. STANDING PROUD 187

But here is the nub and thing you’ve overlooked. You think you can’t say anything because you’ll be seen as ‘sensitive’, but you will never be able to unlock the great things that a sensitive person can do. You’ve not been told about this part and I want to encourage you to think this part through. You are labeled a ‘sensitive’ boy because you can acknowledge when someone else is hurt inside. Your natural instinctive response is to find a way to help prevent them from suffering. You are willing to check that they are ok. You’re not the type of person who would shy away from someone in emotional pain. You are prepared to get uncomfortable with them and you won’t shut them down or judge them. In part, this is because of the experience you have had up until now. Later it will enable you to get better at supporting others around you. You are willing to listen to a person when they just want to be heard. You will become patient when they need to lash out. You are different because you have intuition and nobody around you talks about this word. It exists, but it’s not used by them just yet. It’s a word they have all heard; but never put any value in it. It’s the type of word which can’t be seen or held, so some people won’t ever believe it actually exists. 188 STANDING PROUD

You feel it all the time though, sometimes it’s like a little tug, it can be drawn from someone’s half smile or frown. Sometimes you feel it from them because they have an absence of words or gestures and that’s when you sense it like a punch. Instead they told you to ignore these senses and concentrate on becoming a man and less like your mum. They may have wanted to harden you. They may have said it was for your protection, that you needed to toughen up. They may think that you’re weak and your skin will bruise and split against each of their forceful blows. They want you under their thumb. You are different, and they have tried to straighten it out of you. It’s important that you know that they can’t and never will. You need too to accept that, because only then will they start to accept you, as well. I want you to know it’s your kindness that will protect you and it remains your strongest ally. It’s fuelled on something called empathy and it feeds your true hidden power. Nobody told you about this word, so I’m telling you about it now. It’s a secret resource you have inside of you. It helps the people around you feel like winners. It’s a secret ability that allows you to understand and share their feelings. STANDING PROUD 189

You will learn to connect with a person and move beyond sympathising with them, to empathising them. It’s a power within you right now, but you’ve been struggling to understand it. It’s something that you’ve be too afraid to connect with, because you’ve been told it’s not for you. You’ve been conditioned by the actions of the people around you to store this thing away. They don’t know the name ‘empathy’, but they think that it doesn’t suit you. They have told you that it’s not right for boys to use. You’ve been laughed at for using it in front of others and shamed for expressing it in the past. But it’s always been there with you and it’s protected you when you have needed it the most. So, talk to more people around and the ones who know about the word will be happy to help you out. And when it comes to those physical fights that everyone is so afraid of. This power will eventually save them from this fear as well. This power ‘empathy’ can enable you to help them lower their fists and calm their tempers. It can help find common ground. The nicest part is when this happens, you all learn that no-one needed to hurt anyone, and they don’t have to hurt anymore. At times it will be hard, and you will have to be patient. But you have been silent for so long that you know how to be patient as well. At times you will need to look harder than ever before and accept when someone is 190 STANDING PROUD

saying something to hurt you because they are hurting in themselves more. At times it’s because they don’t understand their own emotions. You will learn how to give them space and they will learn to explain themselves in their own way. At times, it’s because they are just afraid. You will learn to help them be brave. At times it’s because they are in pain. And I caution you; that sometimes, it’s not your job to take that pain away. In so far as, there will come times, that you have to recognise it’s more important to leave and just walk away. For now, the most important thing I can warn you is, stop trying to please others by silencing yourself and hiding the true you. Really consider, really look close at why you want to be like them. The sooner you start looking closely, the sooner you’ll realise they are the last type of person you want to become. You’re so close to the end of this period in your life, it feels so long and there is more time to come. Can you remember that car journey? The really long one, where your parents drove through France to get to the campsite at the bottom border? You spent a day and night in the car with your two sisters. It was hot and suffocating and a few times on the journey you all STANDING PROUD 191

thought you were going to kill each other because you were trapped with them for some long. Do you remember how scary it was when your dad threatened to turn back because you were all being so horrible to each other? Do you remember how you felt at the idea of going back when you have come so far? You could already see the surf and the beaches, and you all just wanted to get started! Do you remember how it felt when you finally did get there? You got to have a longer holiday together because they had driven down and once you were there, you all got along so well and it felt like you could really be yourself and just relax in the sun. I know this is not what you want to hear, you just have to be patient a little longer like that. I know it’s been hard, and you had to hold your own during a tough period. Hold on to that feeling of being in the sun, because you are so close to so many new beginnings and a brand new you. That is when you start to shine too. Soon you’ll realise you’re only looking forward and you rarely get a chance to glance back to the good stuff and you leave behind the rest. You will be able to put down those rotten feelings that don’t do anything good for you. This is what I mean, and I want you to really hear me when I say... 192 STANDING PROUD

Let go of the feelings that people give you, that don’t serve you. You’ll start to accept and understand that your differences make you brilliant. Your difference is special. It helps you take a new view, It allows you to say you don’t agree, and it empowers you to say what is hard, uncomfortable or outside of the majority. It allows you to experiment and try new things. It allows you to dare to do things that others shy from because they are too concerned about how they will be perceived by everyone around them. Do you remember how much you used to love to dance in junior school? Then you stopped because they laughed at for using your feet for something other than football. Dancing wasn’t seen as a sport and it certainly wasn’t for boys. So, you stopped, and it becomes your one genuine regret; because later things did change, and they started to learn boys could dance too. Learning to give yourself permission to do the things that other people won’t do; feels terrifying and hard right now. But living with the regret of not having a go or stopping for someone else is so much more painful later on. Why are you letting them take that joy from you? What will they ever be able to give you in return? You’re not safe with them, you never will be. Stop serving them and giving them power over you. STANDING PROUD 193

When you learn to let go of trying to fit a mould you were never born for, you will learn that they have no power over you. You’ll learn to be really free; you’ll learn to explore, and you’ll learn to love on your own terms. This all allows you to find real value and gain friends who see you and accept you as you are. So, don’t stop dancing and release yourself from those who hold you back. Keep moving forward authentically as you. It’s time to start loving you, for you. 194 STANDING PROUD

Kindness Kaleidoscopic threads within strive towards an Imbricating lattice of harmony. No-one should be Deprived of it. It is Nutritious for the heart and Edifying for the Soul. It is Sweet to the lips and can be Savoured to make us whole. STANDING PROUD 195

Words Beached On Our Endless Shore We came to the beaches Where the yet-to-be, The once-were, The will-never-be, and are, The all I tell myself I cannot discover new oceans Unless I have the courage to lose sight of the shore. We do not see things as they are. We see them, as we are. No matter what the destination is, Just be sure to make every journey A journey within. However, my uncertainty held control over my consciousness ‘Don’t let them control you’ I heard the whisper from afar. I confess, I can lose myself in dimensions of time The past sometime feels nearer Or it happens through another’s voice. ‘Resistance is our Gift’ I saw the nearing shadow of a man Hidden behind the piercing light from a lantern He was someone I once knew Someone I missed I often fear the future has already happened. It’s an unfurling truth 196 STANDING PROUD

Like lilies on the waves There are echoes of words Lapping along the shore. This is the gift of your species It is the danger, You do not choose to control your imaginings. You imagine, wonder and terror Yet you take no responsibility for the choice The shadow forms, my desires become inflamed Leventis is a Greek word, describing a handsome man, It was so often his approach to the world; to change reality. To be brave He once said ‘If you can’t change reality. Change your perception of it.’ He smiled the most exquisite smile, veiled by memory, tinged by dreams. Now a tension grows within If in the breathless night I too Shiver now, ‘tis nothing new. I’m staring at the figure approaching He told me that those who are strong-willed, Masters of their destiny Can only continue to believe this By becoming an authority on self-deception. STANDING PROUD 197

The past is a prison of the mind The heart wants to live in the present Hindsight and Foresight Those Titan brothers acting as representatives of Mankind. The deeper the soul plunges into self-deception, The more it loses all senses, all need, desire and love for reality Just goes or is gone. These resurfaced words are constellations Gods and Legends forever to be retold Truth is singular, its ‘versions’ are mistruths I heard a distance bellow call out ‘It is up to you to have the courage to make good!’ I turned again; and there you are or were And you took me, or take me? Either way, I am embraced by your hand You said ‘There is someone else whom you know nothing about. Because we had forgotten them. We call them by the name Abraxas. They were less definitive Than a Good or Evil A dance greater than duality Then he drew me in And whispered directly to me ‘Nothing can resist it but the unreal. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are half of anything.’ 198 STANDING PROUD

And wordlessly he held my palms Our thoughts bled as one For this moment, this one moment, we are together. I press you to me ‘We have the secret ratification of being different The drive and desire for the unusual’ And I realised these words had been given before Let yourself drift As to the depth of an Ocean To the inner gaze of memory For the matter of memory is porous Remind yourself of Love The universe may be indifferent to our fates But I have loved you backwards and forwards through time Regardless; our love is simply the desire and pursuit of the whole Love is never finished It expresses itself better the more poetically it is dreamed. Note: A Found Poem based the works of Dean Atta, Hermann Hesse, A E Houseman, Deborah Levy, Audre Lorde, Yukio Mishima, David Mitchell, Haruki Murakami, Dale Peck, Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī, Dan Simmons, and Virginia Woolf STANDING PROUD 199

First Rain Of Summer Those long lashes danced in light Those eyes pierced hard like darts This memory clings strong within me And reaches out from within my chest It’s a giddy twist And a warm, glowing ache I could lean into this infatuation all day The tickling of piano keys, tenderly touched When you reached over Your clean shirt brushed brightly against my arm A gentle wave of your cologne washed over me It was, Like a first summer rain Crisp and heavy Intense and fresh Andre Aciman You actually picked up ‘Call Me By Your Name’ We shared a quick smile, My blood rushed A knowing flash collided between us Eyes locked momentarily I was left shy and flushed Drenched in a feeling A brief downpour Follow by an awakening light 200 STANDING PROUD