CRACKING THE COMMUNICATION CODE

APPENDIX D Using Feedback to Clarify Your Conversations Following are additional ideas and insights concerning how to use feedback to meet the Everyday Challenge (see chapter 11). • Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other. • Whose problem is it, really? When a husband or wife says, “We have communication problems!” what does that remark mean? Generally, the person who says this means that the other spouse is speaking carelessly or isn’t listening carefully enough. People seldom think that a problem is with them because they tend to assume the best about themselves. But in our Love and Respect offices, we continue to get letters from husbands and wives who formerly blamed their spouses for their marital difficulties, but now they realize they are the real culprits or at least equally to blame for the problem. For example, one wife didn’t understand why her marriage wasn’t working until she attended a Love and Respect Conference. She writes: I have always disrespected [my husband] in so many ways. The way I speak to him, the way I undermine his authority in front of our son, how I name call, etc. I never saw how I was coming across. I always thought I was great, and he was the flawed one. I finally realized I’m just as much to blame for all our problems. Coming from a home where my mother made it a recreational activity to ridicule, disrespect, and belittle my dad, I didn’t know how much that had affected me. But God can break those chains, and with His help, I know it will happen. I’m constantly checking myself to make sure I’m not disrespecting [my husband]. • Never assume you understand. Giving and receiving feedback often involves emotions. When my conversations with Sarah start to get at all emotional, I have two rules: 1. I never assume I understand what Sarah said until she tells me that I did understand correctly. 2. I never assume Sarah understood what I said until she tells me what she thought she heard me say and I can verify it. When our conversations get emotional, Sarah doesn’t say things as well as she normally would, and I don’t listen as well as I normally would. If we allow a misunderstanding to go unclarified, we will experience an undercurrent of negativity that will drain our energy. Giving and receiving feedback can be tedious at times, but it prevents both of us from making wrong assumptions about what we said or heard; it also enables us to get on the same page. • You can skillfully make the first move. If Sarah and I have even a small glitch in communication, we both like to make the first move and take responsibility. We know we have goodwill toward each other so, if we have a misunderstanding, we assume that one of us probably didn’t speak clearly enough or listen carefully enough. We stop the conversation, revisit what was said, and straighten out the misunderstanding. Taking this kind of initiative makes both of us feel we have the power to do something about our problems, not feel like helpless victims. Sometimes I take

the initiative and sometimes she does. We don’t like it when we cross our wires, but when it happens, we don’t let it shock us. We have developed the skills and confidence to clarify things—mainly because we’ve had a ton of practice! • Get the bee out of your glove. It’s foolish to think you don’t have the time or energy to give and receive feedback. In the best of marriages, there are always possibilities for the sting of negativity and possible conflict of some kind. To think you can ignore these negative emotions is to be like a gardener who ignores a bee that has flown into the cuff of her glove while she was transplanting some flowers. She needs to remove the glove before the bee stings her. In marriage, giving feedback is like removing the glove to get rid of the bee. There is no guarantee that feedback will prevent the potential sting, but failing to give or receive feedback is like keeping the glove on, and you are far more likely to get stung. Sarah and I wish we never had to experience the potential sting of misunderstandings and the negative emotions they can create. But instead of resigning ourselves to their inevitability, we prefer to adjust and say, “I’m sorry. I heard you say such and such. Is that correct?” or “I’m sorry. I was trying to say such and such. What did you hear?” Here is an example: Dinner guests are due to arrive soon. Sarah is setting the table, and she asks: “Could you get the water glasses for me?” I say I will be happy to and, in my inimitable male fashion, go find something that will hold water and ice—namely, the regular drinking glasses we use every day. “No, not those,” says Sarah when she sees what I have placed at every setting. “Why would you get those?” I am puzzled, but then she explains, “I meant the goblets. Something nice for our guests.” Again, we have a simple, almost mundane, scene similar to that encounter on the patio on a fine June morning. And, again, the point is that there could have been friction or even heated words because Sarah was not totally clear about what she wanted, and I was not tuned in on how to set the table properly for dinner guests. I could have felt inadequate and disrespected by her question “Why would you bring those?” It would have been easy enough for me to unlovingly reply, “Water glasses are water glasses. Why are you always so fussy?” And the conversation could have escalated from there. Another possible result is that I could have let it go, nursed my bruised and seemingly disrespected feelings all evening, and made Sarah wonder why I was so cool and distant. Instead, we both chose to get the bee out of the glove. I said, “Sorry about that. This kind of thing with water glasses is not something I naturally would figure out. It will take me just a minute to switch them.” “That’s okay,” Sarah replied. “It seemed like common sense to use the goblets, but I’m sorry I wasn’t as clear as I could have been.” It does baffle Sarah when I don’t understand things that are common sense to her, but she tries to be patient. Good help is hard to find— especially right before dinner. At any rate, I didn’t drop a single goblet, and we had a great time with our friends! • Use “I hear you saying” sparingly. Feedback is not something new on the marital communication scene. It was been around for years, often referred to as “active listening.” A favorite suggestion made to active listeners is to respond with “I hear you saying . . .” followed by whatever feedback is appropriate. Be aware, however, that you can overdo giving feedback and the “I hear you saying . . .” line. I recall talking to a mother who was trying to learn how to actively listen to her teenage daughter. One day the girl came home from school, and the mother asked, “How was your day?” In typical teenage style, the daughter answered, “It was fine.” The mother responded, “I hear you saying it was

fine. So what was fine about it?” Her teenager said, “Well, I got an A on my English paper.” Mom replied, “So, I hear you saying you got an A on your English paper. How do you feel about that?” Her daughter could stand it no longer and she screamed, “MOTHER, HAVE YOU BEEN READING ANOTHER BOOK ON PARENTING? STOP THIS!” Obviously, the mother had gone way over the top with her active listening/ giving feedback approach, and you can do the same with your spouse. Like any technique, giving and receiving feedback needs to be used wisely. Whatever you do, use the “I hear you saying . . .” phrase sparingly. Repeating it several times in one conversation may get you a reaction like: “HAVE YOU BEEN READING ANOTHER BOOK ON MARRIAGE? STOP THIS!” To echo the writer of Ecclesiastes, there is a time for feedback, and there is a time when it’s not needed. As you live with your mate, you will learn which is which.

APPENDIX E Unconditional Love and Respect Do Not Operate on a Scale of 1–10 What would you think if your husband said something like the following? “On a scale of 1–10, you have to be at least a 7 according to my standards before I will speak to you with a loving tone of voice. If you are a 6 or below, I will talk to you any way I like. If I sound a little rough or crude, get used to it.” What would you think if your wife said something like the following? “On a scale of 1–10, you have to be at least a 7 according to my standards before I will speak to you respectfully. If you are a 6 or below, I will say what I like, usually with some contempt.” Judging each other on a scale of 1–10 is no way to have a good marriage, but I have counseled many couples who appeared to approach each other from just this perspective. The mentality seems to be “You have to earn my loving or respectful speech because I am placing conditions on just how much I will love or respect you.” But if you want to try to live out the unconditional love and respect we teach in our conferences, there is no place for demanding—either openly or subtly—that your spouse perform at a certain level. Using words of unconditional love and respect simply means: • You determine beforehand that you will speak lovingly or respectfully regardless of how your spouse acts or speaks. • You commit yourself to never using words of hostility or contempt, even though in certain situations your spouse’s words or actions may come up a zero on a ten-point scale. • You determine to speak lovingly or respectfully because you want to reverence and obey God. • As a follower of Christ, you govern your speech and actions by what you believe He wants from you. Your spouse’s speech or actions are irrelevant. • Always remember that your speech or actions are your choice and your responsibility. Your spouse cannot make you say or do anything unloving or disrespectful. • When you fail to speak words of unconditional love or respect perfectly, you ask for forgiveness—first from God and then from your spouse—and you keep trying. I am often asked if committing to unconditionally love or respect means that you must turn a blind eye to definite wrongdoing on your spouse’s part. This is a point that trips up a lot of people, especially wives who learn that God calls them to speak to their husband with unconditional respect (see Ephesians 5:33). These wives conclude that if she must speak with unconditional respect, she must agree with, and acquiesce to, everything her husband is doing or saying. If not, she would be disrespectful. I comment that, according to that kind of reasoning, a wife should be quite willing to tell her husband, “I say this respectfully. I love the fact that you are into pornography on the Internet.” That would be comparable to a husband telling his wife, “I say this lovingly. I think it is wonderful that you are emotionally out of control a great deal of the time and that you are terrorizing the children.” Such absurd comments serve to make my point. Words that approve viewing pornography or

abusing the children are not words of unconditional love or respect; they are simply pathetic endorsements of corrupt behavior. To use words of unconditional love or respect means you lovingly or respectfully confront your spouse’s wrongdoing. When your spouse is doing or saying something that is obviously wrong, immoral, or dangerous, you must confront that behavior. As you challenge your spouse, however, you are never justified in speaking words that are hostile or contemptuous. Common sense tells us that no one is persuaded by hateful or despising speech. Before the Lord, you are responsible to confront your spouse with words that come across as loving or respectful. The unconditional way of speaking is the only approach that motivates a spouse to deal long-term with the hurtful behavior. There is no guarantee a spouse will respond, but this manner is more likely to work than any other attitude. If your spouse’s words or behavior are in the gray zone—what your spouse is doing or saying does not suit your personal taste—you are to remain loving or respectful. Always do or say what you do or say knowing your speech or actions reflect who you are, not who your spouse is. Wives also often tell me, “My husband doesn’t receive my words of respect because he doesn’t respect himself. So what’s the point of being respectful of him?” I reply, “Are you saying that if you are struggling with loving yourself, your husband should stop speaking lovingly to you because you might reject his words?” These wives see the point. You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason—good or bad—why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

APPENDIX F My Prayer in This Time of Trial The following prayer is for anyone going through deep waters in his or her marriage and needing God’s sustaining love and help. Lord, whether or not my marriage turns around, I know You are using this struggle to reveal more of Yourself to me. I thank You for that because I need You in so many ways right now. Father, I desire first of all Your presence. Suppose I had a “perfect” marriage. If I didn’t feel Your presence, what good would my life be? My trials give me new opportunities to encounter You. And Your Word promises me that You will draw near to me if I draw near to You. So by faith I draw near to You right now, trusting that You draw near to me so that I might feel Your very presence. Lord, I know that You say in Your Word, “My peace I give unto you.” Right now, right here, I ask You to grant me Your peace. I confess that if I were at total peace with my spouse, I would be tempted to live in a bubble of superficial contentment, thinking I do not need Your peace. But now, Lord, I am driven to seek You, the only Place where real Peace can be found. I open my heart to You, Lord. Grant to me Your peace—this day, this very hour. Lord, Your Word also says that Your grace is sufficient for me and that Your power is made perfect in my weakness. Right now, Lord, I am very weak. My marriage is a mess, and I now know that—apart from You—I can do nothing. I thank You and praise You for bringing me to this place where I must depend entirely on You. I cannot straighten out my marriage in my own strength, which is a lesson You want me to learn. I praise Your name for the opportunity to walk by faith, trusting only You for each day. Now I know that when I am weak, then I am strong because Your power rests on me. Father, forgive me for thinking in the midst of this pain and struggle that my life has no purpose. I know You have a purpose for me and for our marriage, and I ask You to reveal that purpose more clearly. Lord, I confess that I wanted fulfillment through my marriage when I should have been seeking Your will for my life. Thank You for making me go deeper to discover Your call on my life. I see that, without this trial, I would not have looked carefully to see what You want to do in and through me. I am grateful to You for showing me Your marvelous ways, for using me in little ways throughout the day even when I was in pain from my marriage, and for always assuring me that I do matter to You. I am overwhelmed by the simple truth that You have not forsaken me and You never will. I know Your purpose for me is that I might bear fruit for You. Keep me close to You, Lord, and allow me to bear much fruit for You. In Jesus’ name. Amen.