The Present

Simon Rich



Simon Rich

Copyright © 2020 Originally produced as a podcast for This American Life, recorded and released February 9, 2018. This American Life is produced in collaboration with WBEZ Chicago and delivered to stations by PRX the Public Radio Exchange. “The Present” by Simon Rich is a short story from Rich’s book, The Last Girlfriend on Earth. www.thisamericanlife.org





The one thing you know for sure when you’re watching a romantic comedy is that it’s going to turn out okay in the end. When you’re living one? Not so much. Episode 638 of the podcast This American Life explores why we love a good romantic comedy (rom-com). The following pages are a transcript of the podcast, and retelling of the fictional story “The Present” by Simon Rich.

PROLOGUE Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and here at the show we were talking about romantic comedies and how they don’t get a lot of respect.

It’s This American Life from Chicago, I’m Ira Glass. I think it’s maybe because of the One of the producers on our bad ones. Every part of them show, Neil, he wholeheartedly just feels too obvious, you know? really loves romantic comedies, The couple meets, but they hate has favorites that he’s watched each other at first. They go over and over dozens of times. through some things that make He once collaborated with the them, you know, learn some producer of Sleepless in Seattle important lesson about them- on a rom-com script that never selves. You know from the very got made. He has all kinds of beginning they’re going to end up thoughts about them. together. And then, no surprise, they do. When it’s not done well, And he realized this thing about it’s all too obvious and tired, and rom-coms and what’s so satis- you can feel the gears working fying about the good ones that in the thing. I really think is true. Prologue | 1

i like the ones where people spend a lot of time together. 2 | This American Life

Neil Drumming I used to say that it was just watching just the close-ups of Ira Glass two beautiful people being funny and clever and witty to Neil Drumming each other. Yeah. Ira Glass Being their sort of best selves, or sometimes worst selves, but then eventually their best selves. And that was kind of enough for me. Meg Ryan Now, why shut me out? You know what happens to people who shut everybody out? Kevin Kline They live the quiet, peaceful lives? Meg Ryan No, they fester. That’s Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline with a fake French accent in the movie French Kiss. Prologue | 3

Kevin Kline Fester. I am festering. Meg Ryan Inside, fester and rot. I’ve seen it happen. You’ll become one of those hunched-back lonely old men sitting in the corner of a crowded cafe mumbling to yourself, my ass is twitching. You people make my ass twitch. 4 | This American Life

Neil Drumming If there’s a simple thing that resonates for me, it’s that, Ira Glass in the best of these movies, you get to see two people get Neil Drumming along in a way that is great. It’s just like nice to see that part of people. Ira Glass Yeah. Yeah. And I think, if you’re projecting at all, it’s the idea that you can be that connected to someone or receive someone that well. When you see it, you’re like, oh, yeah, that would be nice. That’s why I like the ones where people spend a lot of time together. That’s key for Neil. In Neil’s personal ranking of these films, which has the 2009 film The Ugly Truth at the very, very bottom, the three rom-coms that sit at the very top like the tousled hair above Hugh Grant’s head, are French Kiss, Two Weeks Notice, which is a real estate rom-com, and his very favorite­—When Harry Met Sally. And they’re all at the top of the list for this very reason, because of how much time the couple spends together talking. Prologue | 5

Neil Drumming Take When Harry Met Sally The thing that I like about it is that at least you get a vision of what their relationship actually is, because they spend 12 years together before they finally get together. So you get to see real fights. You get to see their relationship grow. You get to see their personalities clash. And so they actually have a chance to fall in love by talking to each other, as opposed to, in romantic comedies now, or like where there’s the montage and music playing and then you’re just supposed to come out of that thinking they’re in love, they actually spend time with each other. Like there’s a sequence of scenes in When Harry Met Sally where they’re just getting along, and they’re just talking on the phone. 6 | This American Life

and so they ac t ua l ly h av e a ch a nce to fa ll in love... Prologue | 7

Harry You sleeping? Sally No, I was watching Casablanca. Harry Channel, please. Sally 11. Harry Thank you. Got it. Now, you’re telling me you would be happier with Victor Laszlow than with Humphrey Bogart? Sally When did I say that? Harry When we drove to New York. Sally I never said that. I would never have said that. Harry All right, fine. Have it your way. Have you been sleeping? Sally Why? Harry Because I haven’t been sleeping. 8 | This American Life

Neil Drumming I think if I was dating someone who hated When Harry Met Ira Glass Sally, I don’t know that I could date them. Like, I don’t know that I could. If you’re not interested in the relationship between Harry and Sally, I don’t really understand what kind of person you are. [LAUGHS] I don’t know. That’s not to say that you’re a bad person, it just means I don’t think I understand you. OK. Romantic comedies are contrived. The people are way more clever and way better looking than in real life. The stories are full of things that would be ridiculous and sometimes maybe even on the stalker-y side if they happened to any of us. But this totally artificial form, when it works, reminds you of what it feels like to be in love and of somebody who wants to listen to what you say and who says things that you want to listen to. And so for this Valentine’s Day, we’re devoting our show to rom-coms. Prologue | 9

Act One MEET CUTE 10 | This American Life

So the first thing a rom-com needs is for the couple to meet in an appealing way, the meet cute. Neil Drumming The meet cute is supposed to make you feel like no matter Ira Glass what happens, these two people should be together. There are so many ways to do this. In The Wedding Planner, Matthew McConaughey saves Jennifer Lopez from a runaway dumpster that is rolling down the street. In Pretty Woman, Richard Gere gets lost in a very fancy car and Julia Roberts gives him directions. Bringing Up Baby, Katherine Hepburn picks up Cary Grant’s golf ball on a golf course. In Reality Bites, Winona Ryder throws her cigarette into Ben Stiller’s car. And Neil’s favorite, When Harry Met Sally— Meet Cute | 11

Neil Drumming The thing about When Harry Met Sally is it has an extended meet cute, which I like. They take a road trip from Chicago to New York, and so they’re kind of meeting for several hours. And from the very beginning, it’s contentious because Harry has all these theories about relationships that she finds like crazy and off-putting. 12 | This American Life

Harry What I’m saying is—and this is not a come on in any way, shape, or form— is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry No, you don’t. Sally Yes, I do. Harry You only think you do. Sally You’re saying I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry No, what I’m saying is they all want to have sex with you. Sally They do not. Meet Cute | 13

i think it sets up the c h e m i s t ry. Neil Drumming Like it sets up that there is something about them that you Ira Glass want to root for. Meet cutes do happen in real life, but for this story, we have a piece of fiction, a story where the meet cute plays an important role in the story as a turning point for one of the characters. 14 | This American Life

The Present | 15

THE PRESENT by Simon Rich “I don’t understand,” Professor Xander “That’s incorrect,” Xander said. “What Kaplan said while his girlfriend sobbed about Emiladium? It took me nine into a pillow. “I thought you liked tulips.” months to synthesize that element “I do,” she said. “It’s just— you get them and I named it after you.” “You were for me every year. It’s starting to get a going to synthesize that element little impersonal. I mean, this time, anyway,” Emily said. you didn’t even include a card.” “You needed it for your secret Xander winced. Her reasoning was project, that silver orb thing in sound. “I apologize,” he said. “I obviously your lab. Emiladium wasn’t about made an error in judgment.” He tried to me, it was about you. I mean, for take her hand, but she pulled it out of god sakes, you won’t even tell me reach. “Do you remember what I did for what it does.” your birthday?” She said, “I got you that new Bunsen burner you wanted. I knit you a pair of wool socks so your feet wouldn’t get cold in the lab. You never make that kind of effort for me. All you do is think about yourself.” 16 | This American Life

all you do is think about yourself The Present | 17

Xander sighed. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” Emily blinked back some tears. “I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like you can just go back in time and get me a different present.” Xander’s expression brightened. “Wait there,” he said. “I’ll be right back.” Xander hurried down the hall, crept Xander was usually a pretty good into his laboratory, and locked the problem solver. He had, for example, door behind him. His time machine invented a time machine. But quantum was right where he had left it. He physics and nuclear hydraulics were climbed inside the silver orb and trivial compared to the rigors of gift flicked on the power switch. His plan shopping. He massaged his temples, was simple, travel back in time to this trying to remember if Emily had dropped morning, find a new gift for Emily, and any hints lately. He vaguely recalled bring it to the present. But there were her staring at a vase in Crate & Barrel, a couple of risks. There was a chance, but that place was full of vases. There for example, that using the machine was no way he’d be able to pick out the would cause the universe to explode. right one. He’d never tested the thing out before. He was trying to remember the name There was also no guarantee that he of her favorite perfume when a thought would be able to find a good present. entered his head. Maybe he was thinking He only had enough Emiladium to too small. fuel five minutes of time travel. That didn’t give him a lot of wiggle room. Wherever he went, he would have to shop efficiently. 18 | This American Life

His machine could transport him to any time and place in human history. Why go back a few hours when he could go back a few centuries? He knew Emily loved Shakespeare. She’d written her senior thesis on one of his tragedies. Why not travel back to the Globe Theater and swipe her an original script? It wouldn’t be too difficult, he reasoned. All he’d have to do is dash back backstage and grab one. It would be the most impressive gift she’d ever received in her life. But which tragedy had Emily written her thesis about? He knew it was one of the king ones, Richard the something or Charles the something, but there are a bunch of those. The Present | 19

what if he got it wrong? i t wa s too risk y. 20 | This American Life

There was always jewelry. He knew the general construction dates for King Tut’s tomb. He could park in front of the pyramid, run inside, and snatch a jade stone. He entered the coordinates and was about to push the lever when he started to second guess himself again. Buying women jewelry was always chancy. Emily had very specific tastes, and what if she didn’t like jade? It wasn’t like he’d be able to go back and return it. The Present | 21

He thought back to the night they met. He was finishing his PhD at the time, and his lab had closed early because of Easter. He’d stuffed his papers into his briefcase and shuffled through the rain to the 116th Street Station. It was 4:05 AM and the platform was deserted, except for Emily. It had been several days since Xander’s last conversation with a human, and when she started to speak to him, he felt the stirrings of a panic attack. But Emily’s friendly smile managed, somehow, to put him at ease. She was awfully cheerful, given her circum- stances. Her MetroCard had expired, she said, and the machines were broken. She’d been stranded for over 20 minutes. 22 | This American Life

The Present | 31

Would he be willing to sell her a ride? Xander was an atheist and believed Xander nodded and watched as she fiercely in random causality. But by rooted around in her purse for some the end of their shared subway ride, cash to pay him back. It was a moment he was sure he’d experienced a or two before it occurred to him that miracle. This wonderful person had she had given him the chance to shown up out of nowhere and given be gallant. him a chance at love. And in return, “You don’t have to reimburse me,” he’d given her three years of misery. he said. “I’ll swipe you in for free.” He thought about all of his Saturday She thanked him enthusiastically and nights at the lab, ignoring her calls, then, shockingly, wrapped her arms making excuses. He thought about around his torso. Xander wasn’t used the way she cried when he handed to physical contact. And although the her the tulips. How could he make up hug was brief, it caused his entire for three years of romantic ineptitude body to tingle from head to toe. It was with a single birthday present? a startling sensation, like walking He closed his eyes and concentrated. through an electrically-charged field. He still felt that way whenever she touched him. 24 | This American Life

There had to be a right answer. c l e opat r a’ s c r ow n joan of arc’ s sword. a baby dinosaur. The Present | 25

What was the greatest thing he could “Let me guess,” he said. “Expired give her, the very best present in the MetroCard?” She chuckled. “How’d world? It was the hardest problem you know?” “I had a hunch. Come on, he’d ever attempted to solve. But then, I’ll swipe you through.” “Oh, that’s OK,” as always, the solution came to him. she said. “I’ll just go to the machine Xander parked his time machine by upstairs or--” “The machines are all the 116th Street Station and dashed broken,” he said. “You’d better catch into the subway. It was 3:45 AM a little this one,” he said. “The next one won’t over three years in the past. Emily was come for another 20 minutes.” standing by the turnstile, swiping and Before she could protest, he took out re-swiping her expired MetroCard. He his MetroCard and swiped her through took a deep breath and approached her. the turnstile. She smiled back at him with confusion. 27 | This American Life

a little over three y e a rs in the pa st. The Present | 28

“aren’t you coming?” she asked as the train pulled into the station. Xander averted his eyes. He worried that if he looked at her, he would start to cry. “I need to take a different train,” he said. “Well, at least let me pay you for the—” “That’s all right,” he said, his voice breaking. 29 | This American Life

“it’s a presen t.” The Present | 30

He was about to turn away when she leaned over the turnstile and hugged him. It was exactly as he remembered it, her long brown hair brushing softly against his neck, his entire body tingling with warmth. “Thanks,” she said. He tried to say, you’re welcome, but the words got caught in his throat. He waved goodbye as she boarded the train... ...then he marched out of the station 31 | This American Life

A LONE.