Arguing and Empathy

DON JOHNSON

Intro The theme of these three essays is arguments and empathy. The first essay is, “Your opinions are not facts” What is particularly compelling about this essay is how he talks about the effect an opinion can have on facts and information. He explores how opinions can be “disguised” as facts. These toxic opinions that he talks about are the gateway for decisiveness and arguments. The next essay is “The Real Reason we get into Arguments” he starts the essay with a personal story about how he lost his temper and got into an argument with a colleague at a tennis tournament. Overall, the concept of this essay is to learn and recognize that everyone is working through something, especially now during the pandemic, a lot of people are struggling even though they might not seem like it. The last essay was, “How ‘Verbal Aibido’ can help you avoid stupid arguments”. This essay explores the root of arguments and how we can address this. Similar to the previous essay, the root of arguments is the lack of empathy. He also brings up the role of toxic opinions again and how they make people defensive. This technique uses mindful listening to bring empathy and love back into the conversation and be productive instead of going back and forth with one another and getting into a large heated argument.

Contents 1-8 The Real Reason we get into Arguments 9-16 Your Opinions are not Facts 17- 25 How the ‘Verbal Aibido’ can help you avoid Stupid Arguments

1 The Real Reason we get into Arguments What I learned after a stupid meltdown

6 minute read

Before I share what I learned about why we get into arguments, I want to tell you a story. I’m not proud of my behavior; in fact, it’s downright embarrassing to let you know what I did. But it was a wake-up call that stirred things up for the better. Believe me, I don’t always have such a short fuse. I was watching my 12-year-old son play in a tennis tournament. The kids were playing for rankings, which over the next few years would determine college tennis scholarship offers. You could say there was money on the table. A cellphone went off near me. Phones were supposed to be on silent. I looked over and saw that the phone belonged to Alan, the father of one of the kids. He answered the phone and had a brief conversation. I shot him a dirty look. It rang again. Now I was really annoyed. 1

I said, “Hey, you know the rules. Turn your phone off.” Alan retorted, “I need to take these calls.” “Put it on silent then.” “It’s no big deal. What do you think this is— Wimbledon or something?” “It doesn’t matter. Turn your phone off.” “But I’m a doctor.” A doctor? Are you fucking kidding me? You just poured gas on the fire. You want to do battle? Let’s go. “I don’t give a fuck who you are. It’s disturbing to the kids. Be respectful.” “Nobody speaks to me that way.” “Really? Well, too fucking bad.” 2

By this time, someone intervened and told us both to cool off. Alan puttered around behind me, talking to himself. I got up and walked outside for a few minutes and returned. No one said another word. My son finished his match, and we left. A month later, I was at another tournament. I saw Alan’s wife, and she smiled and waved at me. I was surprised. She’s not upset? “Did Alan tell you about the incident at the last tournament?” “No. Why?” she asked. “We had a little problem.” I told her the story. She didn’t seem surprised. “I’m so sorry. He’s not a doctor. He’s an out-of-work stockbroker, and he’s, well, a bit depressed and on medication. He’s quite hard to deal with these days.” “Well, tell him I apologize for going off.” “He probably deserved it, but I’ll tell him.” 3

It made me wonder how I would have handled things if I had known he wasn’t doing well. I hoped I would have said: “Excuse me, could you please turn off your phone?” “But I’m a doctor.” “I see. Could you please put it on vibrate and take calls elsewhere so you don’t disturb the kids?” Maybe he still would have stamped his feet. If I didn’t curse at him, at least I would have known I behaved respectfully. It wasn’t long before Alan and I met up at another tournament. We nodded politely at each other. No words were spoken — his son was playing my son. We stood near each other for the next few hours. No cellphones rang, and his son went on to beat mine. I congratulated him on the victory. A few years later, both boys went on to play college tennis at major universities. Everybody was happy. It’s painful to look back and see my younger self losing my temper over a ringing cellphone. Here’s what I didn’t realize at the time: I was carrying my wounds, too. 4

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 1

My wife and I were going through a divorce. While it was mostly amicable, my dream of a nuclear family living together was blowing up. I was guilt-stricken, depressed, and financially worried. I kept this mainly to myself, carrying on as best I could, assuming I could handle everything by just marching on like it didn’t exist. If I could turn back time and give myself some advice, this is what I would say: Realize you are going through a monumental life transition. Pay attention to your emotional state of mind. Take care of yourself. Slow down and give yourself time to heal. Lower your expectations. You’re not superman. The suffering will affect you. Find someone to talk to. Too often, when I have gone through personal crises, I’ve paid more attention to what’s going on around me and not enough to what’s going on in me. My focus was on my work, my kids, my relationships. Assuming my psyche would magically heal on its own without giving it any attention was foolish. 6

It’s so easy to get lost in ourselves, in our world, consumed by the pressures of our lives. For some of us, we bottle it up, not even aware we’re doing it. And then there’s a trigger. The anger and self-hatred come pouring out all over someone else. Funny how two grown men at their kids’ tennis tournament can stir up each other’s trauma in such destructive ways. Are we somehow drawn to each other’s wounds, silently hoping for the healing we don’t even realize we need? When Alan’s cellphone rang at the tournament that day, I never considered what he might be going through, what wounds were haunting him. But it turns out we both were reeling from wounds that were invisible — mostly to others but sometimes to ourselves. We look past these wounds or through them, not wanting to lose the connection to the sense of self we’ve created. We’ve worked hard to be who we think we are, and recognizing a reality that deviates from that is even harder work. Our inner sense of self and our face to the world are our closest friends, allies, and protectors. They have been with us through our ups and downs. We’ve come to rely on our inner voice for guidance and help. Sometimes it comforts us. Sometimes it tortures us with guilt and shame. But it’s all we know, so we hold on tight. 7

I’ve been hard on myself throughout my life. I’ve pushed and fought hard to accomplish things and get through the hard times. My high-achieving, perfectionistic tendencies covered up deep insecurities and wounds. But I’ve come to appreciate that life is a process of recognizing the stuff beneath the surface — finding it, holding it, and making peace with it. Facing the wounded self is threatening. It means opening the door to the part of us that is slightly broken, fragile, and vulnerable. The good news is that when we open the door, we’re not alone. There’s a tripwire attached to the door that sends an alert, and the help we need comes. We begin to realize the path to wholeness is paved with accepting and loving ourselves, all parts — our gifts and power, our darkness and weakness. We become more kind and loving to ourselves and more tolerant and forgiving of others when we continue down the path. For me, opening and walking through that door led me to my true self — a small, frightened kid who found his way into adulthood and did the best he could. He’s made many mistakes and failed at many things, but he’s learning that acceptance of others begins with accepting himself. We’re all a bit broken in some way or another. Wouldn’t the world be a much better place if we accepted this and recognized that everyone is working through their wounds, trying to find their way home? I bet we’d show each other a little more understanding, forgiveness, and compassion. 8

2 Your Opinions are not Facts How to share your experience without forcing it on someone else

5 minute read

There’s a lot to disagree about these days: politics, shutdowns, masks, travel restrictions, vaccines—you name it. And then there are the more mundane disagreements in everyday life, the little things, like setting the thermostat. Someone wants to turn it down. You want it up. Someone says: “It’s too hot in here.” You say, “It’s not hot. It’s cold.” Before you know it, you’re in a silly argument. None of us need more aggravation, especially right now. In order to express yourself respectfully and defuse arguments before they start, it’s important to understand the difference between facts, opinions, and toxic opinions. A fact is a thing that is known or proven to be true: The Earth is round. Google is a search engine. Water is a simple molecule of positively charged hydrogen atoms and one large negatively charged oxygen atom. 11

An opinion is a view or judgment that depends on your assessment: I like pizza. I feel happy when I take a walk. I prefer to wear dark colors. A toxic opinion is an opinion disguised as a fact: That project will never work. There is a shortage of jobs all over the world right now. There’s no hope for a better life today. Here’s why toxic opinions are problematic: When someone says, “It’s too hot in here.” It’s easy to get defensive, because the statement excludes any possibility that your experience might be different. It doesn’t consider that you might be cold. “Too hot” is a relative term. It’s not a universally accepted fact. It might be cute when a child says, “Brussels sprouts are gross.” But it’s not cute when adults speak in toxic opinions. 12

Expressing an opinion disguised as a fact makes it toxic because it diminishes anyone else’s perspective. This is how many arguments start: one person imposes their opinion on someone else. The typical reaction is to push back aggressively, turning your own opinion toxic in response: “It’s not hot in here. I’m freezing!” Toxic opinions invite defensiveness and open the door for arguments. When I teach this concept to my clients, I ask them to argue with me. I say, “The room is hot.” They say, “No, it’s not. The room is fine. What’s wrong with you, anyway?” Then I say, “Argue with me now: ‘I feel hot.’” I get blank looks. People try to argue, but it’s impossible to argue with: “I feel hot.” 13

You can disagree by saying: “I feel cold.” But that’s not arguing. That’s just stating how you feel. By saying: “I feel hot.” I’m not suggesting everyone else should feel that way. I’m merely describing how I feel and what I’m experiencing. Toxic opinions invite defensiveness and open the door for arguments. Arrogance and believing one version of reality—yours—is the only possible view underlies toxic opinions and could be the single largest creator of arguments. There are two types of toxic opinions: impersonal and personal. 14

“I” statements demonstrate personal ownership, accountability, and taking responsibility. By using an “I” statement, you can defuse an argument before it happens. Research has shown that “I” statements can reduce defensiveness and aggression. 1

Impersonal: “Conservatives don’t care about the poor.” “Technology is ruining our lives.” “Wealthy people are selfish.” Personal: “You’re lazy and leave all the housework up to me.” “You don’t listen to me.” “That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.” You can rephrase a toxic opinion by saying “I think…,” followed by supporting facts or by stating what you experience and how you feel. An opinion or your point of view, when grounded by the facts as you see them and the knowledge that others may see it differently, is a powerful, direct, and respectful way to communicate. It’s empowering to say, “Look, this is my opinion on the subject. You may disagree, but I want you to know what I think.” 16

For example, “I feel hot. The thermostat says it’s 75 degrees in here.” Expresses your experience and states a fact. “I think technology is ruining lives. I read a study from Harvard citing cellphone use by small children reduces cognitive brain function.” “When we agree to sit down to watch TV together, and you get on your iPad, I feel disrespected and unappreciated.” The purpose of an opinion is not to prove someone wrong or convince them of your point of view. The goal is to speak truthfully and accurately about what you know or believe without discounting others’ experiences. Without opinions, we would have no creative dialogue or problem- solving. We would be empty shells with little or nothing to say. Instead of creating defensiveness, an opinion invites dialogue, because you take responsibility for your point of view by saying, “I think, I believe, I propose, I suggest.” When you speak this way, it encourages others to do the same. Whether they follow your lead is up to them. You’ve done your part. 17

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and we all have the right to express our point of view. We may agree with each other or not. But no one is entitled to impose their opinion on anyone else—whether about politics or the thermostat. My wife and I have had numerous conversations about the thermostat in our house. She often feels hotter than I do, and we’ve had our moments. Now I wear an extra layer on cold days. She dresses more lightly. When she says, “It’s too hot in here.” I smile and say, “Oh, so you’re feeling warm? Let’s turn it down for a bit.” She looks at me and laughs and says, “Right, I am feeling warm.” I smile because even though we both teach this stuff for a living, we don’t always get it right. We’re just humans, after all, living, learning, and trying to be the best versions of ourselves. 18

3 How the ‘Verbal Aibido’ can help you avoid Stupid Arguments The everyday martial art of talking to someone who disagrees with you

5 minute read

Words create our reality. Once we put them out there, we can’t take them back. Expressions like “I didn’t mean to say that” or “I was only kidding” come too late. So why do couples get into needless arguments? Jeffery S. Smith, MD, writes in Psychology Today: The cause of arguments and fights is a lack of mutual, empathic understanding. When empathy is not engaged, then people revert to a self-protective mode and become judgmental. The result is a bad feeling on both sides and no happy ending. People want to be understood, not just heard. Author Daniel Kahneman’s theory of two different systems of thinking sheds light on why we sometimes lose the ability to be 1 empathetic in our relationships. Kahneman says System 1 thinking operates quickly, without concentrated effort. It’s more unconscious, irrational, and emotional. We use it when driving a car on an empty road, reading words on a giant billboard, doing something familiar, or something that looks easy, like solving 6+6=? 21

System 2, on the other hand, involves effort and attention. It’s logical, rational, and conscious. We use it when solving complicated calculations, adjusting our behavior in a social situation, or when searching for a specific person in a crowd. When faced with familiar and everyday situations, people invent mental shortcuts. If something looks easy, we use System 1, our more unconscious method of thinking. However, depending solely on System 1 can lead to biases toward everyday situations and issues. This may explain one of the challenges of being in a relationship: We get used to our partner’s thought patterns and behavior; they become familiar and almost predictable. Consequently, it’s easy to go on autopilot and default to System 1 thinking, particularly when we get triggered, frustrated, or stressed. When we’re emotional, we are more apt to make 1 assumptions, jump to conclusions, get defensive, and not listen attentively. Empathy can slip right through our fingers. 22

Here are some strategies that can help you stay out of unnecessary arguments. Speak with humility While a lack of empathy may be the underlying cause of arguments, the words we use are the delivery system. An opinion presented as a fact is toxic and a surefire way to make someone defensive. Here are some examples of toxic opinions: You’re wrong. That’s stupid. You aren’t thinking clearly. You shouldn’t have done that. You always do that. Contrast those with these: I don’t understand. I disagree. I feel annoyed. I prefer something different. I have a concern. 23

These “I” statements are examples of owning your opinion, a critical element of humility. It only takes one conscious person to stop an argument. Opinions are subjective and, when expressed in the first person, constructive. They invite differing viewpoints, laying the foundation for resolving conflict. Using language in the second or third person, by contrast, closes off dialogue and invites defensiveness. Speaking with humility will cool a conversation that’s getting too hot. Actively listen Be present: We’ve all experienced the disappointment of speaking to someone who is clearly busy or distracted and says, “Go ahead, I’m listening.” It feels disrespectful and can derail a conversation quickly. Be fully attentive and look at the person you are speaking to. Be quiet: If you are aware that you interrupt people, stop doing it. It’s a good sign that, whether you realize it or not, you aren’t listening. It conveys that you are more interested in getting your point across than anything else. 24

Demonstrate your presence: If you sit silently, like a statue, no one knows whether you’re actually listening. Nodding gently, saying “Mm-hmm” or “Uh-huh” will help encourage the other person to explain themselves fully. Silent attention only makes people wonder if anyone is home. Get curious: Questions show interest and help the other person feel valued. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey writes, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” When something doesn’t make sense to you or you start to feel agitated, ask yourself: What don’t I know? Is there something I am missing? What am I curious about? Use reflective listening: Summarize what you think you have heard and check to make sure you have it right. “Here’s what I hear you saying and what is important to you… is this correct?” If you don’t have it right, you can try again. You aren’t agreeing—you are just demonstrating you understand. If you don’t understand, say, “I’m not clear,” or “Help me out. I’m not getting it.” It’s counterproductive to say, “You are not making sense.” This creates more defensiveness and blames the other person. 25

Verbal Aikido Aikido is a modern Japanese martial art that uses the principles of nonresistance to neutralize an opponent. Translated to English, it means “the way of harmonious spirit.” Aikido does not offer aggressive or defensive maneuvers but instead uses the energy of an opponent to divert and redirect an attack harmlessly. The philosophy is based on peaceful resolution and self- improvement. It only takes one conscious person to stop an argument. Arguments are like two people physically pushing on the other. One pushes; the other pushes back. Then the other pushes back harder. Nothing is accomplished, and everybody feels bad. Verbal aikido uses these principles in defusing conflicts and can help both individuals rekindle empathy. Let’s imagine my wife and I are arguing. She says, “That’s a dumb idea; it won’t work.” If I say, “You’re wrong,” I’m just pushing back on her, creating more friction. If I agree with her, but don’t mean it, I’m not being truthful, and I’ll wind up being resentful. 26

Verbal aikido, however, can help stop the “pushing.” Here’s how it works: Yield. I can defuse the situation by acknowledging her point of view, reframing it slightly to help her recognize and own her opinion. I don’t say anything aggressive or defensive, but I might say, “You think it’s a dumb idea.” Helping her take ownership of the opinion, presented as a fact, is the first step in redirecting the verbal attack. Inquire. Assuming she says, “Yes, I do think it’s a dumb idea,” I can say, “Okay, help me understand why you think it’s dumb?” I want to invite her to share not just what she thinks, but why she thinks that way. I’m curious to understand her thinking and perspective. 27

Share. Then, I explain why I think the way that I do. “I think it’s a good idea because…” This creates balance in the conversation and opens up a discussion not just about our opinions but about what is behind them. Arguments are solved through dialogue. Resolve. As we talk more, if she offers convincing ideas, I can change my mind. If I still don’t agree, I can say, “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.” We may compromise and move ahead together, or we may decide to disagree, but at least we understand why we think the way we do, and that is a better outcome than arguing. 28

Arguments are inevitable in life, but by being mindful and skillful, we can speak wisely, listen actively, and bring empathy and love into our conversations — even the tough ones.

Sources The Real Reason we get into Arguments https://humanparts.medium.com/the- real-reason-we-get-into-arguments- f1fdbc3e0fe8 Your Opinions are not Facts https://humanparts.medium.com/how- to-defuse-disagreements-before-they- even-start-b5b64c49b7fa How the ‘Verbal Aibido’ can help you avoid Stupid Arguments https://humanparts.medium.com/why- its-easy-to-get-into-stupid-arguments- 8c6f2310685b Olivia Sommo Spring 2021