The Wide Window (A Series of Unfortunate Events, Book 3)_clone

["THE WIDE WINDOW \u201cI got ahold of Captain Sham,\u201d Mr. Poe said, coming back into the kitchen. \u201cHe was shocked to hear of Aunt Josephine\u2019s death but overjoyed at the prospect of raising you children. We\u2019re meeting him in a half hour for lunch at a restaurant in town, and after lunch we\u2019ll go over the details of your adop- tion. By tonight you should be staying in his house. I\u2019m sure you\u2019re relieved that this can be sorted out so quickly.\u201d Violet and Sunny stared at Mr. Poe, too dismayed to speak. Klaus was silent too, but he was staring hard at something else. He was staring at Aunt Josephine\u2019s note. His eyes were focused in concentration behind his glasses as he stared and stared at it, without blinking. Mr. Poe took his white handkerchief out of his pocket and coughed into it at great length and with great gusto, a word which here means \u201cin a way which produced a great deal of phlegm.\u201d But none of the Baudelaires said a word. \u201cWell,\u201d Mr. Poe said finally, \u201cI will call for 91","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS a taxicab. There\u2019s no use walking down that enormous hill. You children comb your hair and put your coats on. It\u2019s very windy out and it\u2019s getting cold. I think a storm might be approaching.\u201d Mr. Poe left to make his phone call, and the Baudelaires trudged to their room. Rather than comb their hair, however, Sunny and Violet immediately turned to Klaus. \u201cWhat?\u201d Violet asked him. \u201cWhat what?\u201d Klaus answered. \u201cDon\u2019t give me that what what,\u201d Violet answered. \u201cYou\u2019ve figured something out, that\u2019s what what. I know you have. You were rereading Aunt Josephine\u2019s note for the umpteenth time, but you had an expression as if you had just figured something out. Now, what is it?\u201d \u201cI\u2019m not sure,\u201d Klaus said, looking over the note one more time. \u201cI might have begun figuring something out. Something that could help us. But I need more time.\u201d \u201cBut we don\u2019t have any time!\u201d Violet cried. 92","THE WIDE WINDOW \u201cWe\u2019re going to have lunch with Captain Sham right now!\u201d \u201cThen we\u2019re going to have to make some more time, somehow,\u201d Klaus said determ- inedly. \u201cCome on, children!\u201d Mr. Poe called from the hallway. \u201cThe cab will be here any minute! Get your coats and let\u2019s go!\u201d Violet sighed, but went to the closet and took out all three Baudelaire coats. She handed Klaus his coat, and buttoned Sunny into her coat as she talked to her brother. \u201cHow can we make more time?\u201d Violet asked. \u201cYou\u2019re the inventor,\u201d Klaus answered, buttoning his coat. \u201cBut you can\u2019t invent things like time,\u201d Violet said. \u201cYou can invent things like automatic popcorn poppers. You can invent things like steam-powered window washers. But you can\u2019t invent more time.\u201d Violet was so certain she couldn\u2019t invent more time that she didn\u2019t even put her hair up in a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes. She merely gave Klaus a look of 93","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS frustration and confusion, and started to put on her coat. But as she did up the buttons she realized she didn\u2019t even need to put her hair up in a ribbon, because the answer was right there with her. 94","CHAPTER Seven \u201cHello, I\u2019m Larry, your waiter,\u201d said Larry, the Baudelaire orphans\u2019 waiter. He was a short, skinny man in a goofy clown costume with a name tag pinned to his chest that read LARRY. \u201cWelcome to the Anxious Clown restaur- ant\u2014where everybody has a good time, whether they like it or not. I can see we have a whole family lunching together today, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family Appet- izer. It\u2019s a bunch of things fried up together and served with a sauce.\u201d \u201cWhat a wonderful idea,\u201d Captain Sham said,","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS smiling in a way that showed all of his yellow teeth. \u201cAn Extra Fun Special Family Appet- izer for an extra fun special family\u2014mine.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll just have water, thank you,\u201d Violet said. \u201cSame with me,\u201d Klaus said. \u201cAnd a glass of ice cubes for my baby sister, please.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ll have a cup of coffee with nondairy creamer,\u201d Mr. Poe said. \u201cOh, no, Mr. Poe,\u201d Captain Sham said. \u201cLet\u2019s share a nice big bottle of red wine.\u201d \u201cNo, thank you, Captain Sham,\u201d Mr. Poe said. \u201cI don\u2019t like to drink during banking hours.\u201d \u201cBut this is a celebratory lunch,\u201d Captain Sham exclaimed. \u201cWe should drink a toast to my three new children. It\u2019s not every day that a man becomes a father.\u201d \u201cPlease, Captain,\u201d Mr. Poe said. \u201cIt is heartening to see that you are glad to raise the Baudelaires, but you must understand that the children are rather upset about their Aunt Josephine.\u201d 96","THE WIDE WINDOW There is a lizard called the chameleon that, as you probably know, can change color in- stantly to blend into its surroundings. Besides being slimy and cold-blooded, Captain Sham resembled the chameleon in that he was chameleonic, a word means \u201cable to blend in with any situation.\u201d Since Mr. Poe and the Baudelaires had arrived at the Anxious Clown, Captain Sham had been unable to conceal his excitement at having the children almost in his clutches. But now that Mr. Poe had pointed out that the occasion actually called for sadness, Captain Sham instantly began to speak in a mournful voice. \u201cI am upset, too,\u201d he said, brushing a tear away from beneath his eyepatch. \u201cJosephine was one of my oldest and dearest friends.\u201d \u201cYou met her yesterday,\u201d Klaus said, \u201cin the grocery store.\u201d \u201cIt does only seem like yesterday,\u201d Captain Sham said, \u201cbut it was really years ago. She and I met in cooking school. We were oven partners in the Advanced Baking Course.\u201d 97","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS \u201cYou weren\u2019t oven partners,\u201d Violet said, disgusted at Captain Sham\u2019s lies. \u201cAunt Josephine was desperately afraid of turning on the oven. She never would have attended cooking school.\u201d \u201cWe soon became friends,\u201d Captain Sham said, going on with his story as if no one had interrupted, \u201cand one day she said to me, \u2018if I ever adopt some orphans and then meet an untimely death, promise me you will raise them for me.\u2019 I told her I would, but of course I never thought I would have to keep my promise.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s a very sad story,\u201d Larry said, and everyone turned to see that their waiter was still standing over them. \u201cI didn\u2019t realize this was a sad occasion. In that case, allow me to recommend the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers. The pickles, mustard, and ketchup make a little smiley face on top of the burger, which is guaranteed to get you smiling, too.\u201d \u201cThat sounds like a good idea,\u201d Captain Sham said. \u201cBring us all Cheer-Up Cheese- burgers, Larry.\u201d 98","THE WIDE WINDOW \u201cThey\u2019ll be here in a jiffy,\u201d the waiter promised, and at last he was gone. \u201cYes, yes,\u201d Mr. Poe said, \u201cbut after we\u2019ve finished our cheeseburgers, Captain Sham, there are some important papers for you to sign. I have them in my briefcase, and after lunch we\u2019ll look them over.\u201d \u201cAnd then the children will be mine?\u201d Captain Sham asked. \u201cWell, you will be caring for them, yes,\u201d Mr. Poe said. \u201cOf course, the Baudelaire for- tune will still be under my supervision, until Violet comes of age.\u201d \u201cWhat fortune?\u201d Captain Sham asked, his eyebrow curling. \u201cI don\u2019t know anything about a fortune.\u201d \u201cDuna!\u201d Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of \u201cOf course you do!\u201d \u201cThe Baudelaire parents,\u201d Mr. Poe ex- plained, \u201cleft an enormous fortune behind, and the children inherit it when Violet comes of age.\u201d \u201cWell, I have no interest in a fortune,\u201d 99","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS Captain Sham said. \u201cI have my sailboats. I wouldn\u2019t touch a penny of it.\u201d \u201cWell, that\u2019s good,\u201d Mr. Poe said, \u201cbecause you can\u2019t touch a penny of it.\u201d \u201cWe\u2019ll see,\u201d Captain Sham said. \u201cWhat?\u201d Mr. Poe asked. \u201cHere are your Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers!\u201d Larry sang out, appearing at their table with a tray full of greasy-looking food. \u201cEnjoy your meal.\u201d Like most restaurants filled with neon lights and balloons, the Anxious Clown served terrible food. But the three orphans had not eaten all day, and had not eaten anything warm for a long time, so even though they were sad and anxious they found themselves with quite an appetite. After a few minutes without conversation, Mr. Poe began to tell a very dull story about something that had happened at the bank. Mr. Poe was so busy talking, Klaus and Sunny were so busy pretending to be inter- ested, and Captain Sham was so busy wolfing down 100","THE WIDE WINDOW his meal, that nobody noticed what Violet was up to. When Violet had put on her coat to go out into the wind and cold, she had felt the lump of something in her pocket. The lump was the bag of peppermints that Mr. Poe had given the Baudelaires the day they had ar- rived at Lake Lachrymose, and it had given her an idea. As Mr. Poe droned on and on, she carefully, carefully, took the bag of pep- permints out of her coat pocket and opened it. To her dismay, they were the kind of pep- permints that are each wrapped up in a little bit of cellophane. Placing her hands under- neath the table, she unwrapped three pepper- mints, using the utmost\u2014the word \u201cutmost,\u201d when it is used here, means \u201cmost\u201d\u2014care not to make any of those crinkling noises that come from unwrapping candy and are so annoying in movie theaters. At last, she had three bare peppermints sitting on the napkin in her lap. Without drawing attention to herself, she put on Klaus\u2019s lap and one on Sunny\u2019s. 101","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS When her younger siblings felt something appear in their laps and looked down and saw the peppermints, they at first thought the eldest Baudelaire orphan had lost her mind. But after a moment, they understood. If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats. But Violet, Klaus, and Sunny all knew that this was an emergency. They needed time alone to figure out Captain Sham\u2019s plan, and how to stop it, and al- though causing allergic reactions is a rather drastic way of getting time by yourself, it was the only thing they could think of. So while neither of the adults at the table were watching, all three children put the pepper- mints into their mouths and waited. The Baudelaire allergies are famous for being quick-acting, so the orphans did not have long to wait. In a few minutes, Violet began to break out in red, itchy hives, Klaus\u2019s tongue started to swell up, and Sunny, who of course had never 102","THE WIDE WINDOW eaten a peppermint, broke out in hives and had her tongue swell up. Mr. Poe finally finished telling his story and then noticed the orphans\u2019 condition. \u201cWhy, children,\u201d he said, \u201cyou look terrible! Violet, you have red patches on your skin. Klaus, your tongue is hanging out of your mouth. Sunny, both things are happening to you.\u201d \u201cThere must be something in this food that we\u2019re allergic to,\u201d Violet said. \u201cMy goodness,\u201d Mr. Poe said, watching a hive on Violet\u2019s arm grow to the size of a hard-boiled egg. \u201cJust take deep breaths,\u201d Captain Sham said, scarcely looking up from his cheesebur- ger. \u201cI feel terrible,\u201d Violet said, and Sunny began to wail. \u201cI think we should go home and lie down, Mr. Poe.\u201d \u201cJust lean back in your seat,\u201d Captain Sham said sharply. \u201cThere\u2019s no reason to leave when we\u2019re in the middle of lunch.\u201d \u201cWhy, Captain Sham,\u201d Mr. Poe said, \u201cthe 103","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS children are quite ill. Violet is right. Come now, I\u2019ll pay the bill and we\u2019ll take the chil- dren home.\u201d \u201cNo, no,\u201d Violet said quickly. \u201cWe\u2019ll get a taxi. You two stay here and take care of all the details.\u201d Captain Sham gave Violet a sharp look. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t dream of leaving you all alone,\u201d he said in a dark voice. \u201cWell, there is a lot of paperwork to go over,\u201d Mr. Poe said. He glanced at his meal, and the Baudelaires could see he was not too eager to leave the restaurant and care for sick children. \u201cWe wouldn\u2019t be leaving them alone for long.\u201d \u201cOur allergies are fairly mild,\u201d Violet said truthfully, scratching at one of her hives. She stood up and led her swollen-tongued sib- lings toward the front door. \u201cWe\u2019ll just lie down for an hour or two while you have a relaxing lunch. When you have signed all the papers, Captain Sham, you can just come and retrieve us.\u201d Captain Sham\u2019s one visible eye grew as shiny 104","THE WIDE WINDOW as Violet had ever seen it. \u201cI\u2019ll do that,\u201d he replied. \u201cI\u2019ll come and retrieve you very, very soon.\u201d \u201cGood-bye, children,\u201d Mr. Poe said. \u201cI hope you feel better soon. You know, Captain Sham, there is someone at my bank who has terrible allergies. Why, I remember one time\u2026\u201d \u201cLeaving so soon?\u201d Larry asked the three children as they buttoned up their coats. Outside, the wind was blowing harder, and it had started to drizzle as Hurricane Herman got closer and closer to Lake Lachrymose. But even so, the three children were eager to leave the Anxious Clown, and not just be- cause the garish restaurant\u2014the word \u201cgar- ish\u201d here means \u201cfilled with balloons, neon lights, and obnoxious waiters\u201d\u2014was filled with balloons, neon lights, and obnoxious waiters. The Baudelaires knew that they had invented just a little bit of time for them- selves, and they had to use every second of it. 105","","CHAPTER Eight When someone\u2019s tongue swells up due to an al- lergic reaction, it is often difficult to understand what they are saying. \u201cBluh bluh bluh bluh bluh,\u201d Klaus said, as the three children got out of the taxi and headed toward the peeling white door of Aunt Josephine\u2019s house. \u201cI don\u2019t understand what you\u2019re saying,\u201d Violet said, scratching at a hive on her neck that was the exact shape of the state of Min- nesota. \u201cBluh bluh bluh bluh bluh,\u201d Klaus repeated, or perhaps he was saying something else; I","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS haven\u2019t the faintest idea. \u201cNever mind, never mind,\u201d Violet said, opening the door and ushering her siblings inside. \u201cNow you have the time that you need to figure out whatever it is that you\u2019re figuring out.\u201d \u201cBluh bluh bluh,\u201d Klaus bluhed. \u201cI still can\u2019t understand you,\u201d Violet said. She took Sunny\u2019s coat off, and then her own, and dropped them both on the floor. Nor- mally, of course, one should hang up one\u2019s coat on a hook or in a closet, but itchy hives are very irritating and tend to make one abandon such matters. \u201cI\u2019m going to assume, Klaus, that you said something in agreement. Now, unless you need us to help you, I\u2019m going to give Sunny and myself a baking soda bath to help our hives.\u201d \u201cBluh!\u201d Sunny shrieked. She meant to shriek \u201cGans!\u201d which meant something along the lines of \u201cGood, because my hives are driving me crazy!\u201d \u201cBluh,\u201d Klaus said, nodding vigorously, and he began hurrying down the hallway. Klaus had 108","THE WIDE WINDOW not taken off his coat, but it wasn\u2019t because of his own irritating allergic condition. It was because he was going someplace cold. When Klaus opened the door of the library, he was surprised at how much had changed. The wind from the approaching hurricane had blown away the last of the window, and the rain had soaked some of Aunt Josephine\u2019s comfortable chairs, leaving dark, spreading stains. A few books had fallen from their shelves and blown over to the window, where water had swollen them. There are few sights sadder than a ruined book, but Klaus had no time to be sad. He knew Cap- tain Sham would come and retrieve the Baudelaires as soon as he could, so he had to get right to work. First he took Aunt Josephine\u2019s note out of his pocket and placed it on the table, weighing it down with books so it wouldn\u2019t blow away in the wind. Then he crossed quickly to the shelves and began to scan the spines of the books, looking for titles. He chose three: Basic Rules of Grammar and Punctuation, Handbook for 109","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS Advanced Apostrophe Use, and The Correct Spelling of Every English Word That Ever, Ever Existed. Each of the books was as thick as a watermelon, and Klaus staggered under the weight of carrying all three. With a loud thump he dropped them on the table. \u201cBluh bluh bluh, bluh bluh bluh bluh,\u201d he mumbled to himself, and found a pen and got to work. A library is normally a very good place to work in the afternoon, but not if its window has been smashed and there is a hurricane approaching. The wind blew colder and colder, and it rained harder and harder, and the room became more and more unpleasant. But Klaus took no notice of this. He opened all of the books and took copious\u2014the word \u201ccopious\u201d here means \u201clots of\u201d\u2014notes, stopping every so often to draw a circle around some part of what Aunt Josephine had written. It began to thunder outside, and with each roll of thunder the entire house shook, but Klaus kept flipping pages and writing things down. Then, as lightning began to 110","THE WIDE WINDOW flash outside, he stopped, and stared at the note for a long time, frowning intently. Fi- nally, he wrote two words at the bottom of Aunt Josephine\u2019s note, concentrating so hard as he did so that when Violet and Sunny entered the library and called out his name he nearly jumped out of his chair. \u201cBluh surprised bluh!\u201d he shrieked, his heart pounding and his tongue a bit less swollen. \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Violet said. \u201cI didn\u2019t mean to surprise you.\u201d \u201cBluh bluh take a baking soda bluh?\u201d he asked. \u201cNo,\u201d Violet replied. \u201cWe couldn\u2019t take a baking soda bath. Aunt Josephine doesn\u2019t have any baking soda, because she never turns on the oven to bake. We just took a regular bath. But that doesn\u2019t matter, Klaus. What have you been doing, in this freezing room? Why have you drawn circles all over Aunt Josephine\u2019s note?\u201d \u201cBluhdying grammar,\u201d he replied, gestur- ing to the books. 111","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS \u201cBluh?\u201d Sunny shrieked, which probably meant \u201cgluh?\u201d which meant something along the lines of \u201cWhy are you wasting valuable time studying grammar?\u201d \u201cBluhcause,\u201d Klaus explained impatiently, \u201cI think bluh Josephine left us a message in bluh note.\u201d \u201cShe was miserable, and she threw herself out the window,\u201d Violet said, shivering in the wind. \u201cWhat other message could there be?\u201d \u201cThere are too many grammatical mistakes in the bluh,\u201d Klaus said. \u201cAunt Josephine loved grammar, and she\u2019d never make that many mistakes unless she had a bluh reason. So that\u2019s what I\u2019ve been doing bluh\u2014count- ing up the grammatical mistakes.\u201d \u201cBluh,\u201d Sunny said, which meant some- thing along the lines of \u201cPlease continue, Klaus.\u201d Klaus wiped a few raindrops off his glasses and looked down at his notes. \u201cWell, we already know that bluh first sentence uses the wrong \u2018its.\u2019 I think that was to get our attention. But 112","THE WIDE WINDOW look at the second bluhtence. \u2018My heart is as cold as Ike and I find life inbearable.\u2019\u201d \u201cBut the correct word is unbearable,\u201d Viol- et said. \u201cYou told us that already.\u201d \u201cBluh I think there\u2019s more,\u201d Klaus said. \u201c\u2018My heart is as cold as Ike\u2019 doesn\u2019t sound right to me. Remember, Aunt Josephine told us bluh liked to think of her husband some- place very hot.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s true,\u201d Violet said, remembering. \u201cShe said it right here in this very room. She said Ike liked the sunshine and so she ima- gined him someplace sunny.\u201d \u201cSo I think Aunt Bluhsephine meant \u2018cold as ice,\u2019\u201d Klaus said. \u201cOkay, so we have ice and unbearable. So far this doesn\u2019t mean anything to me,\u201d Violet said. \u201cMe neither,\u201d Klaus said. \u201cBut look at bluh next part. \u2018I know your children may not understand the sad life of a dowadger.\u2019 We don\u2019t have any children.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s true,\u201d Violet said. \u201cI\u2019m not plan- ning to have children until I am considerably older.\u201d 113","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS \u201cSo why would Aunt Josephine say \u2018your children\u2019? I think she meant \u2018you children.\u2019 And I looked up \u2018dowadger\u2019 in The Correct Spelling of Every English Word That Ever, Ever Existed.\u201d \u201cWhy?\u201d Violet asked. \u201cYou already know it\u2019s a fancy word for widow.\u201d \u201cIt is a bluhncy word for widow,\u201d Klaus replied, \u201cbut it\u2019s spelled D-O-W-A-G-E-R. Aunt Josephine added an extra D.\u201d \u201cCold as ice,\u201d Violet said, counting on her fingers, \u201cunbearable, you children, and an extra D in dowager. That\u2019s not much of a message, Klaus.\u201d \u201cLet me finish,\u201d Klaus said. \u201cI discovered even more grammbluhtical mistakes. When she wrote, \u2018or what would have leaded me to this desperate akt,\u2019 she meant \u2018what would have led me,\u2019 and the word \u2018act,\u2019 of course, is spelled with a C.\u201d \u201cCoik!\u201d Sunny shrieked, which meant \u201cThinking about all this is making me dizzy!\u201d \u201cMe too, Sunny,\u201d Violet said, lifting her sister 114","THE WIDE WINDOW up so she could sit on the table. \u201cBut let him finish.\u201d \u201cThere are just bluh more,\u201d Klaus said, holding up two fingers. \u201cOne, she calls Cap- tain Sham \u2018a kind and honorable men,\u2019 when she should have said \u2018a kind and honorable man.\u2019 And in the last sentence, Aunt Josephine wrote \u2018Please think of me kindly even though I\u2019d done this terrible thing,\u2019 but according to the Handbook for Advanced Apo- strophe Use, she should have written \u2018even though I\u2019ve done this terrible thing.\u2019\u201d \u201cBut so what?\u201d Violet asked. \u201cWhat do all these mistakes mean?\u201d Klaus smiled, and showed his sisters the two words he had written on the bottom of the note. \u201cCurdled Cave,\u201d he read out loud. \u201cCurdled veek?\u201d Sunny asked, which meant \u201cCurdled what?\u201d \u201cCurdled Cave,\u201d Klaus repeated. \u201cIf you take all the letters involved in the grammat- ical mistakes, that\u2019s what it spells. Look: C for ice 115","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS instead of Ike. U for unbearable instead of inbearable. The extra R in your children in- stead of you children, and the extra D in dowager. L-E-D for led instead of leaded. C for act instead of akt. A for man instead of men. And V-E for I\u2019ve instead of I\u2019d. That spells CURDLED CAVE. Don\u2019t you see? Aunt Josephine knew she was making grammatical errors, and she knew we\u2019d spot them. She was leaving us a message, and the message is Curdled\u2014\u201d A great gust of wind interrupted Klaus as it came through the shattered window and shook the library as if it were maracas, a word which describes rattling percussion instruments used in Latin American music. Everything rattled wildly around the library as the wind flew through it. Chairs and foot- stools flipped over and fell to the floor with their legs in the air. The bookshelves rattled so hard that some of the heaviest books in Aunt Josephine\u2019s collection spun off into puddles of rainwater on the floor. And the Baudelaire orphans were jerked 116","THE WIDE WINDOW violently to the ground as a streak of light- ning flashed across the darkening sky. \u201cLet\u2019s get out of here!\u201d Violet shouted over the noise of the thunder, and grabbed her siblings by the hand. The wind was blowing so hard that the Baudelaires felt as if they were climbing an enormous hill instead of walking to the door of the library. The orphans were quite out of breath by the time they shut the library door behind them and stood shivering in the hallway. \u201cPoor Aunt Josephine,\u201d Violet said. \u201cHer library is wrecked.\u201d \u201cBut I need to go back in there,\u201d Klaus said, holding up the note. \u201cWe just found out what Aunt Josephine means by Curdled Cave, and we need a library to find out more.\u201d \u201cNot that library,\u201d Violet pointed out. \u201cAll that library had were books on grammar. We need her books on Lake Lachrymose.\u201d \u201cWhy?\u201d Klaus asked. \u201cBecause I\u2019ll bet you anything that\u2019s where 117","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS Curdled Cave is,\u201d Violet said, \u201cin Lake Lachrymose. Remember she said she knew every island in its waters and every cave on its shore? I bet Curdled Cave is one of those caves.\u201d \u201cBut why would her secret message be about some cave?\u201d Klaus asked. \u201cYou\u2019ve been so busy figuring out the message,\u201d Violet said, \u201cthat you don\u2019t under- stand what it means. Aunt Josephine isn\u2019t dead. She just wants people to think she\u2019s dead. But she wanted to tell us that she was hiding. We have to find her books on Lake Lachrymose and find out where Curdled Cave is.\u201d \u201cBut first we have to know where the books are,\u201d Klaus said. \u201cShe told us she hid them away, remember?\u201d Sunny shrieked something in agreement, but her siblings couldn\u2019t hear her over a burst of thunder. \u201cLet\u2019s see,\u201d Violet said. \u201cWhere would you hide something if you didn\u2019t want to look at it?\u201d 118","THE WIDE WINDOW The Baudelaire orphans were quiet as they thought of places they had hidden things they did not want to look at, back when they had lived with their parents in the Baudelaire home. Violet thought of an automatic harmon- ica she had invented that had made such horrible noises that she had hidden it so she didn\u2019t have to think of her failure. Klaus thought of a book on the Franco-Prussian War that was so difficult that he had hidden it so as not to be reminded that he wasn\u2019t old enough to read it. And Sunny thought of a piece of stone that was too hard for even her sharpest tooth, and how she had hidden it so her jaw would no longer ache from her many attempts at conquering it. And all three Baudelaire orphans thought of the hiding place they had chosen. \u201cUnderneath the bed,\u201d Violet said. \u201cUnderneath the bed,\u201d Klaus agreed. \u201cSeeka yit,\u201d Sunny agreed, and without another word the three children ran down the hallway to Aunt Josephine\u2019s room. Nor- mally it 119","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS is not polite to go into somebody\u2019s room without knocking, but you can make an ex- ception if the person is dead, or pretending to be dead, and the Baudelaires went right inside. Aunt Josephine\u2019s room was similar to the orphans\u2019, with a navy-blue bedspread on the bed and a pile of tin cans in the corner. There was a small window looking out onto the rain-soaked hill, and a pile of new gram- mar books by the side of the bed that Aunt Josephine had not started reading, and, I\u2019m sad to say, would never read. But the only part of the room that interested the children was underneath the bed, and the three of them knelt down to look there. Aunt Josephine, apparently, had plenty of things she did not want to look at anymore. Underneath the bed there were pots and pans, which she didn\u2019t want to look at be- cause they reminded her of the stove. There were ugly socks somebody had given her as a gift that were too ugly for human eyes. And the 120","THE WIDE WINDOW Baudelaires were sad to see a framed photo- graph of a kind-looking man with a handful of crackers in one hand and his lips pursed as if he were whistling. It was Ike, and the Baudelaires knew that she had placed his photograph there because she was too sad to look at it. But behind one of the biggest pots was a stack of books, and the orphans imme- diately reached for it. \u201cThe Tides of Lake Lachrymose,\u201d Violet said, reading the title of the top book. \u201cThat won\u2019t help.\u201d \u201cThe Bottom of Lake Lachrymose,\u201d Klaus said, reading the next one. \u201cThat\u2019s not useful.\u201d \u201cLachrymose Trout,\u201d Violet read. \u201cThe History of the Damocles Dock Region,\u201d Klaus read. \u201cIvan Lachrymose\u2014Lake Explorer,\u201d Violet read. \u201cHow Water Is Made,\u201d Klaus read. \u201cA Lachrymose Atlas,\u201d Violet said. \u201cAtlas? That\u2019s perfect!\u201d Klaus cried. \u201cAn atlas is a book of maps!\u201d 121","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS There was a flash of lightning outside the window, and it began to rain harder, making a sound on the roof like somebody was dropping marbles on it. Without another word the Baudelaires opened the atlas and began flipping pages. They saw map after map of the lake, but they couldn\u2019t find Curdled Cave. \u201cThis book is four hundred seventy-eight pages long,\u201d Klaus exclaimed, looking at the last page of the atlas. \u201cIt\u2019ll take forever to find Curdled Cave.\u201d \u201cWe don\u2019t have forever,\u201d Violet said. \u201cCaptain Sham is probably on his way here now. Use the index in the back. Look under \u2018Curdled.\u2019\u201d Klaus flipped to the index, which I\u2019m sure you know is an alphabetical list of each thing a book contains and what page it\u2019s on. Klaus ran his finger down the list of the C words, muttering out loud to himself. \u201cCarp Cove, Chartreuse Island, Cloudy Cliffs, Condiment Bay, Curdled Cave\u2014here it is! Curdled Cave, page one hundred four.\u201d Quickly Klaus flipped 122","THE WIDE WINDOW to the correct page and looked at the detailed map. \u201cCurdled Cave, Curdled Cave, where is it?\u201d \u201cThere it is!\u201d Violet pointed a finger at the tiny spot on the map marked Curdled Cave. \u201cDirectly across from Damocles Dock and just west of the Lavender Lighthouse. Let\u2019s go.\u201d \u201cGo?\u201d Klaus said. \u201cHow will we get across the lake?\u201d \u201cThe Fickle Ferry will take us,\u201d Violet said, pointing at a dotted line on the map. \u201cLook, the ferry goes right to the Lavender Light- house, and we can walk from there.\u201d \u201cWe\u2019re going to walk to Damocles Dock, in all this rain?\u201d Klaus asked. \u201cWe don\u2019t have any choice,\u201d Violet answered. \u201cWe have to prove that Aunt Josephine is still alive, or else Captain Sham gets us.\u201d \u201cI just hope she is still\u2014\u201d Klaus started to say, but he stopped himself and pointed out the window. \u201cLook!\u201d Violet and Sunny looked. The window in 123","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS Aunt Josephine\u2019s bedroom looked out onto the hill, and the orphans could see one of the spidery metal stilts that kept Aunt Josephine\u2019s house from falling into the lake. But they could also see that this stilt had been badly damaged by the howling storm. There was a large black burn mark, undoubtedly from lightning, and the wind had bent the stilt into an uneasy curve. As the storm raged around them, the orphans watched the stilt struggle to stay attached. \u201cTafca!\u201d Sunny shrieked, which meant \u201cWe have to get out of here right now!\u201d \u201cSunny\u2019s right,\u201d Violet said. \u201cGrab the at- las and let\u2019s go.\u201d Klaus grabbed A Lachrymose Atlas, not wanting to think what would be happening if they were still leafing through the book and had not looked up at the window. As the youngsters stood up, the wind rose to a fever- ish pitch, a phrase which here means \u201cit shook the house and sent all three orphans toppling to the floor.\u201d 124","THE WIDE WINDOW Violet fell against one of the bedposts and banged her knee. Klaus fell against the cold radiator and banged his foot. And Sunny fell into the pile of tin cans and banged everything. The whole room seemed to lurch slightly to one side as the orphans staggered back to their feet. \u201cCome on!\u201d Violet screamed, and grabbed Sunny. The orphans scurried out to the hall- way and toward the front door. A piece of the ceiling had come off, and rainwater was steadily pouring onto the carpet, splattering the orphans as they ran underneath it. The house gave another lurch, and the children toppled to the floor again. Aunt Josephine\u2019s house was starting to slip off the hill. \u201cCome on!\u201d Violet screamed again, and the orphans stumbled up the tilted hallway to the door, slipping in puddles and on their own frightened feet. Klaus was the first to reach the front door, and yanked it open as the house gave another lurch, followed by a horrible, horrible crunching sound. \u201cCome on!\u201d 125","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS Violet screamed again, and the Baudelaires crawled out of the door and onto the hill, huddling together in the freezing rain. They were cold. They were frightened. But they had escaped. I have seen many amazing things in my long and troubled life history. I have seen a series of corridors built entirely out of human skulls. I have seen a volcano erupt and send a wall of lava crawling toward a small vil- lage. I have seen a woman I loved picked up by an enormous eagle and flown to its high mountain nest. But I still cannot imagine what it was like to watch Aunt Josephine\u2019s house topple into Lake Lachrymose. My own research tells me that the children watched in mute amazement as the peeling white door slammed shut and began to crumple, as you might crumple a piece of paper into a ball. I have been told that the children hugged each other even more tightly as they heard the rough and earsplitting noise 126","THE WIDE WINDOW of their home breaking loose from the side of the hill. But I cannot tell you how it felt to watch the whole building fall down, down, down, and hit the dark and stormy waters of the lake below. 127","","CHAPTER Nine The United States Postal Service has a motto. The motto is: \u201cNeither rain nor sleet nor driving snow shall halt the delivery of the mails.\u201d All this means is that even when the weather is nasty and your","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS mailperson wants to stay inside and enjoy a cup of cocoa, he or she has to bundle up and go out- side and deliver your mail anyway. The United States Postal Service does not think that icy storms should interfere with its duties. The Baudelaire orphans were distressed to learn that the Fickle Ferry had no such policy. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny had made their way down the hill with much difficulty. The storm was rising, and the children could tell that the wind and the rain wanted noth- ing more than to grab them and throw them into the raging waters of Lake Lachrymose. Violet and Sunny hadn\u2019t had the time to grab their coats as they escaped the house, so all three children took turns wearing Klaus\u2019s coat as they stumbled along the flooding road. Once or twice a car drove by, and the Baudelaires had to scurry into the muddy bushes and hide, in case Captain Sham was coming to retrieve them. When they finally reached Damocles Dock, their teeth were chattering and their feet were so cold they 130","THE WIDE WINDOW could scarcely feel their toes, and the sight of the CLOSED sign in the window of the Fickle Ferry ticket booth was just about more than they could stand. \u201cIt\u2019s closed,\u201d Klaus cried, his voice rising with despair and in order to be heard over Hurricane Herman. \u201cHow will we get to Curdled Cave now?\u201d \u201cWe\u2019ll have to wait until it opens,\u201d Violet replied. \u201cBut it won\u2019t open until the storm is past,\u201d Klaus pointed out, \u201cand by then Captain Sham will find us and take us far away. We have to get to Aunt Josephine as soon as possible.\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t know how we can,\u201d Violet said, shivering. \u201cThe atlas says that the cave is all the way across the lake, and we can\u2019t swim all that way in this weather.\u201d \u201cEntro!\u201d Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of \u201cAnd we don\u2019t have enough time to walk around the lake, either.\u201d \u201cThere must be other boats on this lake,\u201d 131","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS Klaus said, \u201cbesides the ferry. Motorboats, or fishing boats, or\u2014\u201d He trailed off, and his eyes met those of his sisters. All three orphans were thinking the same thing. \u201cOr sailboats,\u201d Violet finished for him. \u201cCaptain Sham\u2019s Sailboat Rentals. He said it was right on Damocles Dock.\u201d The Baudelaires stood under the awning of the ticket booth and looked down at the far end of the deserted dock, where they could see a metal gate that was very tall and had glistening spikes on the top of it. Hanging over the metal gate was a sign with some words they couldn\u2019t read, and next to the sign there was a small shack, scarcely visible in the rain, with a flickering light in the window. The children looked at it with dread in their hearts. Walking into Captain Sham\u2019s Sailboat Rentals in order to find Aunt Josephine would feel like walking into a li- on\u2019s den in order to escape from a lion. \u201cWe can\u2019t go there,\u201d Klaus said. \u201cWe have to,\u201d Violet said. \u201cWe know Captain 132","THE WIDE WINDOW Sham isn\u2019t there, because he\u2019s either on his way to Aunt Josephine\u2019s house or still at the Anxious Clown.\u201d \u201cBut whoever is there,\u201d Klaus said, point- ing to the flickering light, \u201cwon\u2019t let us rent a sailboat.\u201d \u201cThey won\u2019t know we\u2019re the Baudelaires,\u201d Violet replied. \u201cWe\u2019ll tell whoever it is that we\u2019re the Jones children and that we want to go for a sail.\u201d \u201cIn the middle of a hurricane?\u201d Klaus replied. \u201cThey won\u2019t believe that.\u201d \u201cThey\u2019ll have to,\u201d Violet said resolutely, a word which here means \u201cas if she believed it, even though she wasn\u2019t so sure,\u201d and she led her siblings toward the shack. Klaus clasped the atlas close to his chest, and Sunny, whose turn it was for Klaus\u2019s coat, clutched it around herself, and soon the Baudelaires were shivering underneath the sign that read: CAPTAIN SHAM\u2019S SAILBOAT RENTALS\u2014EVERY BOAT HAS IT\u2019S OWN SAIL. But the tall metal gate was locked up tight, 133","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and the Baudelaires paused there, anxious about going inside the shack. \u201cLet\u2019s take a look,\u201d Klaus whispered, pointing to a window, but it was too high for him or Sunny to use. Standing on tiptoe, Vi- olet peered into the window of the shack and with one glance she knew there was no way they could rent a sailboat. The shack was very small, with only room for a small desk and a single lightbulb, which was giving off the flickering light. But at the desk, asleep in a chair, was a person so massive that it looked like an enormous blob was in the shack, snoring away with a bottle of beer in one hand and a ring of keys in the other. As the person snored, the bottle shook, the keys jangled, and the door of the shack creaked open an inch or two, but although those noises were quite spooky, they weren\u2019t what frightened Violet. What frightened Vi- olet was that you couldn\u2019t tell if this person was a man or a woman. There 134","THE WIDE WINDOW aren\u2019t very many people like that in the world, and Violet knew which one this was. Perhaps you have forgotten about Count Olaf\u2019s evil comrades, but the Baudelaires had seen them in the flesh\u2014lots of flesh, in this comrade\u2019s case\u2014and remembered all of them in gruesome detail. These people were rude, and they were sneaky, and they did whatever Count Olaf\u2014or in this case, Captain Sham\u2014told them to do, and the orphans never knew when they would turn up. And now, one had turned up right there in the shack, dangerous, treacherous, and snoring. Violet\u2019s face must have shown her disap- pointment, because as soon as she took a look Klaus asked, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong? I mean, besides Hurricane Herman, and Aunt Josephine fak- ing her own death, and Captain Sham coming after us and everything.\u201d \u201cOne of Count Olaf\u2019s comrades is in the shack,\u201d Violet said. \u201cWhich one?\u201d Klaus asked. 135","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS \u201cThe one who looks like neither a man nor a woman,\u201d Violet replied. Klaus shuddered. \u201cThat\u2019s the scariest one.\u201d \u201cI disagree,\u201d Violet said. \u201cI think the bald one is scariest.\u201d \u201cVass!\u201d Sunny whispered, which probably meant \u201cLet\u2019s discuss this at another time.\u201d \u201cDid he or she see you?\u201d Klaus asked. \u201cNo,\u201d Violet said. \u201cHe or she is asleep. But he or she is holding a ring of keys. We\u2019ll need them, I bet, to unlock the gate and get a sail- boat.\u201d \u201cYou mean we\u2019re going to steal a sailboat?\u201d Klaus asked. \u201cWe have no choice,\u201d Violet said. Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a museum and you decide that a cer- tain painting would look better in your house, and you simply grab the painting and take it there. But if you were 136","THE WIDE WINDOW very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it might be excusable to grab the painting, take it to your house, and eat it. \u201cWe have to get to Curdled Cave as quickly as possible,\u201d Violet continued, \u201cand the only way we can do it is to steal a sail- boat.\u201d \u201cI know that,\u201d Klaus said, \u201cbut how are we going to get the keys?\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Violet admitted. \u201cThe door of the shack is creaky, and I\u2019m afraid if we open it any wider we\u2019ll wake him or her up.\u201d \u201cYou could crawl through the window,\u201d Klaus said, \u201cby standing on my shoulders. Sunny could keep watch.\u201d \u201cWhere is Sunny?\u201d Violet asked nervously. Violet and Klaus looked down at the ground and saw Klaus\u2019s coat sitting alone in a little heap. They looked down the dock but only saw the Fickle Ferry ticket booth and the foamy waters of the lake, darkening in the gloom of the late afternoon. \u201cShe\u2019s gone!\u201d Klaus cried, but Violet put a 137","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS finger to her lips and stood on tiptoe to look in the window again. Sunny was crawling through the open door of the shack, flattening her little body enough so as not to open the door any wider. \u201cShe\u2019s inside,\u201d Violet murmured. \u201cIn the shack?\u201d Klaus said in a horrified gasp. \u201cOh no. We have to stop her.\u201d \u201cShe\u2019s crawling very slowly toward that person,\u201d Violet said, afraid even to blink. \u201cWe promised our parents we\u2019d take care of her,\u201d Klaus said. \u201cWe can\u2019t let her do this.\u201d \u201cShe\u2019s reaching toward the key ring,\u201d Viol- et said breathlessly. \u201cShe\u2019s gently prying it loose from the person\u2019s hand.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t tell me any more,\u201d Klaus said, as a bolt of lightning streaked across the sky. \u201cNo, do tell me. What is happening?\u201d \u201cShe has the keys,\u201d Violet said. \u201cShe\u2019s putting them in her mouth to hold them. She\u2019s crawling back toward the door. She\u2019s flattening herself and crawling through.\u201d 138","THE WIDE WINDOW \u201cShe\u2019s made it,\u201d Klaus said in amazement. Sunny came crawling triumphantly toward the orphans, the keys in her mouth. \u201cViolet, she made it,\u201d Klaus said, giving Sunny a hug as a huge boom! of thunder echoed across the sky. Violet smiled down at Sunny, but stopped smiling when she looked back into the shack. The thunder had awoken Count Olaf\u2019s com- rade, and Violet watched in dismay as the person looked at its empty hand where the key ring had been, and then down on the floor where Sunny had left little crawl-prints of rainwater, and then up to the window and right into Violet\u2019s eyes. \u201cShe\u2019s awake!\u201d Violet shrieked. \u201cHe\u2019s awake! It\u2019s awake! Hurry, Klaus, open the gate and I\u2019ll try to distract it.\u201d Without another word, Klaus took the key ring from Sunny\u2019s mouth and hurried to the tall metal gate. There were three keys on the ring\u2014a skinny one, a thick one, and one with teeth as jagged as the glistening spikes hanging over the 139","A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS children. He put the atlas down on the ground and began to try the skinny key in the lock, just as Count Olaf\u2019s comrade came lumbering out of the shack. Her heart in her throat, Violet stood in front of the creature and gave it a fake smile. \u201cGood afternoon,\u201d she said, not knowing whether to add \u201csir\u201d or \u201cmadam.\u201d \u201cI seem to have gotten lost on this dock. Could you tell me the way to the Fickle Ferry?\u201d Count Olaf\u2019s comrade did not answer, but kept shuffling toward the orphans. The skinny key fit into the lock but didn\u2019t budge, and Klaus tried the thick one. \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d Violet said, \u201cI didn\u2019t hear you. Could you tell me\u2014\u201d Without a word the mountainous person grabbed Violet by the hair, and with one swing of its arm lifted her up over its smelly shoulder the way you might carry a back- pack. Klaus couldn\u2019t get the thick key to fit in the lock and tried the jagged one, just as the person scooped 140"]