HIRAETH

paused doing my homework yesterday. She stared at it. It was our family portrait. Drawn carefully from the borrowed pastel that took me three days and four nights to refine. I gasped when she crumpled it. I was about to snatch it from her when she aggressively tore the paper into pieces. My mind went blank. “It’s all in your head!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, pointing my finger at her temple. I could no longer recognize how I had been with- holding that thought. I heaved and heaved as I attempted to breathe out the air I could no longer contain. I could hear the sobs of Lisa and Bruno in the background. Inay resumed murmuring again. The door flung open as it spewed Kuya Kiko. He was saying words I could never comprehend. His voice was echoing. Until I blackout. “Itay?” I called as I saw the familiar man turning his back from me. The place seemed familiar. He did not respond. We are on the roadside. My eyes widened in realization when I saw him with a child holding a balloon, her hair tied in pigtails. Her attention seems to be on the other side of the road; where the ice cream stand is located. The child is bouncing in glee, enthusiastic to buy ice cream. She let go of Itay’s hand to point at the stand. She attempted to cross the road alone in excitement, unaware of the arriving bus. I was caught off guard when Itay ran after her. She pushed him hard. And then the next min- ute, he was under the rear wheel of the bus, his flesh exposed and torso almost torn in half. “Itay!” I screamed but no sound came out. 101

HHIIRRAAEETTHH 110022 “Isa! What happened to you? Dios Mio!” Kuya Kiko put both of his hands over my shoulders, shaking them forcefully. My eyes drifted to Kuya Kiko’s face. I felt clueless. There are only a few people around the place that seemed to look like Sumampa cemetery, but it looks like we are under the beam of the spotlight. “Is this woman your relative? She was wreaking havoc. What was she saying again?” The police officer with a familiar face turned to his colleague for confirmation. As if he is pertaining to me. “Itay,” another police officer answered verbatim. -h-

ashiebnnea abauldersanicfhoul ending 103

HIRAETH 104 I: kmaabelwlamaanng Takipsilim Gusto, pero… Mahal kita, pero… Sa mga katagang gusto at mahal kita, nakakatakot na marinig ang ngunit at sandaang bakit. Nasa bahay ako ngayon nila Karen upang bisitahin siya dahil matagal na rin kaming hindi nagkita matapos ang mahabang bakasyon. Parehas kaming nasa sofa at nagse-cellphone, nakaupo siya habang ako naman ay nakahiga at ginawang unan ang kaniyang hita. Marami ang nagtataka sino nga ba si Karen at ano nga ba kami. Sa lahat ng mga nagtatanong iisa lamang parati ang aking isinasagot, ma- talik na kaibigan. Siya ang nariyan noong mga panahong kinakailangan ko ng malalapitan at masasandalan. Ang tanging tao na kayang basahin ang aking katahimikan at pakalmahin ang namumuong bagyo sa aking

isipan. Isa sa mga taong tanggap at suportado ang aking kabadingan sa mga babae. “May babae ka na naman?” sambit nito dahil napansin niya ang bahagya kong pagngiti. “Grabe naman! Babae agad? Hindi pwedeng kaibigan lang?” sagot ko naman sa kaniya. “Hmm. Duda ako.” Pagkilatis nito sa akin “Kasi naman! Ang ganda kaya niya tapos ang talented pa. Sinong hindi mababading sa kanya?” pagpapaliwanag ko. “Patingin nga,” sabi nito sabay agaw sa cellphone ko kung saan nak- abukas ang aking Instagram at doon makikita ang mga litrato ni Marielle. Nakilala ko siya noong minsang napapasyal kami ng mga kaibigan ko sa Laguna. Kaibigan siya ng kaibigan ko kaya naman nagkakilala kami agad. May maikling buhok na ang kalahati ay itim at ang kalahati ay kulay pula. Hindi masyadong nagkakalayo ang aming tangkad at may kaputian. Noong una ay natatakot akong kausapin siya dahil mukha siyang masun- git ngunit di kalaunan ay nakakabiruan ko na rin siya. May mga problema ako na sa kanya ko lamang naiikwento at ganoon din naman siya sa akin. “Huy, ang ganda!” pagsang-ayon naman nito na lalong nagpakilig sa akin. “Teka maiba nga ako, alam ba niya?” dagdag nito at doon muli kong inalala kung paano nga ba ako umamin sa aking nararamdaman. Sinimu- lan ko ang pagkukwento kay Karen ng mga kaganapan sa amin. “Hala! Crush mo nga ako?” Pang-aasar ni Marielle sa akin “Pakinggan mo ang kanta ng Ben and Ben x Moira, Pasalubong.” La- 105

HIRAETH 106 man ng mensaheng ipinadala ko kay Marielle. May kaba man ay mas pini- li ko na ring umamin kaysa makapagbigay ng hindi malinaw na mga ideya sa kaniya. Lumipas ang ilang minuto hanggang sa umabot ng kalahating oras ngunit wala pa rin akong natatanggap na sagot mula sa kanya. Habang naghihintay ay muli kong pinakinggan ang kantang sinabi ko sa kaniya. “Gusto kita” huling kataga sa kaniya at mensaheng nasi ko ring malaman niya. Muling umilaw ang aking telepono senyales na nagreply na si Marielle. “Talaga ba?” pagdududa nito “Oo,” sabay tawa ko habang umaamin sa kanya na may halong kaba “Baka pinaprank mo lang ako, ha?” paninigurado nitong tanong “Seryoso nga iyan,” gigil ko naman sa kaniya. “Na-e-enjoy ko ang pakikipag-usap sa ’yo. Nagsisinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong hindi kita bet pero ayoko kasi talaga mag-commit kasi alam mo na, trauma. Sana manatili tayong magkaibigan,” ani nito. Hindi ko naramdaman ang sakit nito pagtanggi nito dahil mas nang- ingibabaw ang saya ko nang mga oras na iyon. Saya na wala na akong itinatago at kailangan ipagkaila. Malapit na sumapit ang hapon at kaya naman napagdesisyunan namin ni Karen na abangan na rin ang takipsilim sa burol kung saan may sariwang hangin at tanaw ang kabuuan ng bayan. Umupo kami sa damu- han at maya maya pa ay nagkukulay kahel na ang kalangitan. “Bakit palagi mong pinagmamasdan ang paglubog ng araw?” tanong niya na nagpangiti sa akin. “Katulad niya, ang ganda nito. At katulad ng takipsilim, parati kitang

gugustuhin” paliwanag ko habang hindi inaalis ang titig sa nakaka- maghang tanawin. “Hindi ko ramdam ang lungkot sa paglisan nito, bagkus nakahanap ako ng pahinga” dagdag ko pa. “Yieeeee ano ba!” sabi nito na kinikilig kilig at may pagsundot pa sa tagiliran ko kaya naman hindi ko rin maiwasan ang mapatawa dahil sa kaniya. Hindi ko maiwasan ang mapangiti sa tuwing inaalala ko ang mga oras na nagbibiruan kami. “Ay! Wala na ’to. Tinamaan na talaga,” ani ni Karen na binibigyan ako ng nakakatunaw na titig. “Ha? Hindi kaya!” pagtatanggol ko sa aking sarili. “Sige, sabi mo, e!” Pagtatapos nito na may halong pang-aasar. Sa kabila ng iyong mga ngunit, pinilit kong yakapin ang takot. Takot na sumugal kahit walang kasiguraduhan at kung mayroon bang patutunguhan. Takot na hindi masuklian ang pagmamahal na kusa kong ibinibigay sayo. Ilang buwan ang lumipas at mas lalo kong naramdaman na tuluyan na nga kitang minamahal. Ngunit hindi naman ako manhid upang hindi maramdaman na may hadlang sa pagitan natin. Gusto mo ako pero takot ka. Mahal kita pero mas importante ang pagsasamahan ninyo ng mga kaibigan mo. Napagtanto ko na magiging kabawasan sa isang libro ang pagpunit ng ilang pahina kung saan naroon ka. Kung kaya’t mag-iiwan na lamang ako ng marka, tanda na minahal kita. Minabuti ko munang mapag-isa sa dalampasigan at damdamin ang pangungulila sa iyo. Hindi alintana ang mga taong dumaraan sa aking harapan, ang mga mata ko ay nanatiling nakatingin sa iyo. Malapit na 107

HIRAETH 108 naman magtakipsilim at unti-unti na naman akong dinadalaw ng kalung- kutan. Umihip nang bahagya ang hangin na para bang niyayakap ako nito at sinasabing, “Paalam mahal, hanggang sa muli”. Aking Takipsilim, Tila ba pinanindigan mo ang pagiging takipsilim. Nawala ka pagsapit ng dilim at mula noon hindi na muli naging payapa ang paglubog ng araw dahil naiwan mo ang yapak ng kahapon na patuloy na bumabangabag sa akin. Pilit ko man kumbinsihin ang sarili na ang mga ulap at bundok ang iyong uuwian pagkatapos ng napakahabang araw, naisip ko na kainlanman hindi ako ang iyong naging tahanan. Gustuhin ko mang ikaw ay ilaban, ayoko namang sirain ang inyong pagkakaibigan. Hindi ko maaatim na ikaw ay masaktan kaya naman ha- yaan mo na lamang na sa malayo ika’y aking pagmasdan. Gayunpaman, hindi ko malilimutan ang mga araw na minsan akong nalito sa aking kwarto at sa’yo, hindi ko alam kung nakauwi ba ako sa amin o sa ’yo. Ang mga matatamis na ngiting binitawan ng aking mga labi habang nakatutok ako sa aking telepono at kausap ka. Ang mga pagtang- ging ginawa ko upang ikaila na tuluyan na akong nahulog sa ’yo habang patuloy ang pagkislap ng aking mga mata. Marahil hindi pa nga handa ang mundo para sa atin, tayo ay ganoon rin. Mabuti na rin sigurong manatili tayong magkaibigan o ’di kaya ay magkakilalang sa isa’t isa ay may nararamdaman. Kung isusulat man ang ating kwento sa libro, mas pipiliin kong maging huling pahina. Maiwan man ako, alam ko na umusad ka. Iyon ang mahala- ga at tanging hangad ko para sa iyo.

Darating ang araw na matatagpuan din natin ang pagmamahal na katulad ng takipsilim, hindi nagmamadali, banayad at hindi mahapdi. Walang kasiguraduhan ngunit mahal, maghihintay ako sayo sa dulo ng bahaghari. Nagmamahal at humahanga sayo, Tinta_lilom Ito ang laman ng mensaheng sinulat ko sa papel at maingat na isinilid sa bote. Nais kong anudin ito ng agos ng dagat papunta sa kung nasaan ang mga bundok at ulap, papunta sa kung nasaan ka. Sa takipsilim naramdaman ko ang pahinga ngunit sa takipsilim ko rin pala mararamdaman ang pangungulila. Sa ngayon, hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasalubungin ang bawat paglisan ng araw kung sa mga kulay na ibinibigay nito sa aking mata ikaw ang aking naaalala. Sa gabi ng pangungulila, ipipikit ko ang aking mga mata at mananalangin na sa pagmulat nito, ikaw muli ang aking masisilayan. -h- 109

HIRAETH 110

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HIRAETH 112 Wjohnaanlbedrt esilrvalust T here’s a World where every frontier has been terrorized by the two Civilizations; Lumos City and the Tenebrous Land. Lumos City is the habitual place of the caster of light magic. They are usually been seen as the protector of the orb of Lumos or the powerful beam of light, which gives hope to all territories. And on the other side, the Tenebrous Land is the enclave of the caster of the dark magic, and usually the guardian of the orb of Tenebrous or the shadow of the dark. Every civilization existing is never interfered with because of the law of magic. They’re the balance in the Universe but as the Rogue Gods want to control the World they need to entwine and fight together for the sake of life and sustainability of peace. As the Head Master of Lumos City, we met the Council of the Tene- brous Land headed by their Mistress Elyssa de Luna, a lady possessing the beauty and grace of a maiden of Moon.

“We’re glad that after several years the Head Master Augustus of Lumos City came to our land,” she uttered. “Maybe, our clan was separated by the law of magic to obtain the peace and balance of all magic existing in the universe, but we need to put our force into one to outcast the Rogue Gods.” Then, light up my right hand saying ‘I’m ready to fight.’ “How come that Rogue Gods exist? They have chained a thousand years ago.” “The chains of eternity were broken by the rebellious dark and light caster,” I said. “And they first attack the planet Earth where devastating plague, monster storms, and unexplainable earthquakes have been seen.” They want from the planet Earth the orb of Vita or life to awaken the force of playing gods of unnatural part of the cycle of the magic, the Magic of Manipulation. But as we are here, we will restore the balance for not only humanity but for the dark and light caster. “The camaraderie of the dark caster will fight at the side of the Lumos City for the sake of balance,” she said. “Then, we need to fight–” I SUDDENLY INTERRUPTED writing on my paper when I felt the heavy slam that almost break my wooden table. And the bully who always makes me the fun is in front of me now with other kids. In the four-sided room of our school, no one notices me being bitten by these kids or can I say care? Well, who cares about me? Who I am to them? A weird kid with thick glasses, messy hair, and nobody. 113

HIRAETH 114 They make me feel I am the villain that wants to invade the Earth or like a Rogue God who wants to destroy their lives, but I just want to live and exist like them. It was surely the Lumus City and Tenebrous Land will never be real and be never like Head Master Augustus who is brave and tough. “You’re lucky today, kid. There’s a new kid there,” the leader of the group said, and stay away from my table. I feel relief that I was been pleaded today but as I heard the new kid transfer yesterday starts to cry and wants to get back his belonging that came from his grandmother. It’s starting to whip my heart. “Please, get it back to me,” the new kid said. “I will give my lunch box to you or anything I have. Please just give it back.” I want to step into the fuss but my body denies it. This is the first time I felt to stand up to someone but the fear is more rampant in my body, if I will not do this it will remain a regret for me forever. “Stop that! Give it back to him,” I said firmly to the bullies that are taller than me. They look like monsters that can easily eat me alive instantly, but I will never go back as a kid who is a coward. “Are you kidding me? Do you want to fight with me?” the leader of the bullies said. “Yes!” I replied. The new kid surrounded by the monsters turns to me now. I don’t feel any fear now because I am happy now that I step on my haven and risk my life to others like how the good Casters of Magic protect the Earth from the Rogue Gods.

As they gradually approached me, they suddenly stops and fears starts to draw to their faces. I start towards them now and they step back from me and eventually run outside our classroom. After the victorious battle with them, the loud noise in my back invaded our classroom. They fight with me. We are the victors! “Thank you for standing for me,” the new kid said to me. “Thank you for realizing that I can do it!” AFTER THE LONG day, I was in my room now. Smiling and seeing the progress of the story I wrote earlier makes it a reality because like a writer of the story nothing is impossible. Every time I craft another imag- inary world made up of letters, and words. The power within my body is howling and wandering to the adventure. Well, there’s no impossible when a writer thinks because he will be the god of its creation. Different creatures, dimensions, and scenery are going to be real like how people believe that he can do the things that he believes he can’t do. Then, I continue to write to end the war of the Rogue Gods and good caster of Magic because I know now what’s the feeling of fighting wheth- er you win or lose. It was right that “experience is the best teacher.” It’s impossible that writers just write. There is a space in their heart they want to say something real to their readers and they show it by acting as a hero or heroine, or sometimes if there are rebelling they act as an antagonist to release the frustration that circulating in their life. We are writing to wanderlust, free from agony and despair brought by reality, and surely to welcome those people or readers to see it to believe and wonder with you.  -h- 115

HIRAETH 116

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HIRAETH 118 Cmaoxinnefeniddayaant Alice and Marla have been best friends since they were seven. When Alice's family moved in next door to Marla's house, they became neighbors and friends. They grew up together, sharing many happy and terrible memories. They attended the same elementary and secondary schools. They learned a lot from each other as they were growing up. Marla enjoys dance and performing, while Alice enjoys painting and singing. They also had certain things in common, such as Ariana Grande as their favorite singer, BTS as their favorite boy band, and Double Dutch Ice Cream as their favorite dessert. They also share many secrets, such as when Alice was not allowed to eat sweets since she was competing in a singing competition, but Marla still handed her some chocolates. It's also a best friend thing when Alice stands in for Marla when she doesn't want to go to dancing practice be- cause they want to listen to their favorite singer's newly released single.

She just told Marla's instructor that she has stomach pain. These are only a few of the things they do for one another. Their bonding is truly amaz- ing, from pretending to be asleep during a sleepover even if they stay up late to comforting each other when needed. At the end of high school, Alice and Marla excelled in their studies and graduated with honors. They instantly fulfilled the requirements for their desired universities after graduating from secondary school. Marla wants to be a flight attendant, while Alice wants to study accountancy. They took entrance exams for numerous universities, acing them all and receiving scholarships until they decided to enroll at their dream univer- sity, the Ateneo de Manila University. Marla's parents decided to allow Alice and Marla to live in their condominium while studying in Manila because they live in the province. It was a great relief for them both since they could finally enjoy their lives together. They were ecstatic till the day they had to go. Everything was new to them; therefore, they made adjustments to fit into their surroundings. They helped themselves to become comfortable with their surroundings. The first day of class has arrived, and they are both looking forward to it. They went to their respective courses and only met after that. They chose to have their dinner outside and had a small chit-chat. Marla told Alice that she has a classmate who is quite attractive, while Alice revealed that her mother had contacted her since her father had not returned home the night before. For the first semester, everything went smoothly; their bond as best friends remained intact, and they remained loyal to one another. They still excel in their own classes. Roi was Marla's first boyfriend, and she 119

HIRAETH 120 also introduced him to her best friend. Because of him, Marla appears to be highly motivated and cheerful. Even though she had a boyfriend, she assured Alice that their friendship would continue. Alice found out that her father had a mistress during the first week of the second semester. She decided to travel to their province and care for her mother. Her mother immediately told her that her father would not be financially supporting her, her mother, or her younger brother because he had already gone to his mistress's place, which is far away. It crashes Alice's heart. She had trouble understanding everything that was going on, so she reflected on her family and her education. She is at a loss for what to do; they only have a tiny business to support their family, but it is insufficient. With a heavy heart, Alice returned to Manila to continue her studies. She doesn't want Marla to become engaged in her distress, so she simply nods and smiles whenever Marla asks whether she's okay. Alice opted to work part-time while studying because of what had occurred to their family. She does this to help sustain herself financially while living in Manila and give back to her mother even a little. Because of her part-time employment, she has to miss some classes and examina- tions; she doesn't have a choice because she wants to continue working while studying. Alice's work sometimes threatened her studies, and she was also warned that she would lose her scholarship, which put her under strain and compounded her situation. She must work while keeping a close eye on her studies and scholarship opportunities. Marla noticed some changes in Alice; she always came home late at night, her mood swings got worst, losing some weight, and having trouble focusing on the things she must comply with. She didn't seem

to mind the changes, supposing that she was just stressed out about school. Marla just asked that Alice eat outside to relieve stress, but Alice declined. Alice always refuses to accompany Marla out and instead stays in the Condominium. Marla became concerned about Alice's changes, so she contacted Alice's mother surreptitiously and informed her of the sit- uation. She discovered everything through her conversation with Alice's mother. The next day, Alice's mother called her and informed her that Marla had asked about what was going on and shared Alice's current status. Alice confronted Marla after learning that she had notified her mother about her condition. \"How come you told her I'm miserable? Do you think I'm miserable?\" she screams violently. \"I'm just worried about you, Alice; you weren't like this before; you're a full-of-life person,\" she responded. \"Really? Life? I don't think I deserve to be living anymore; you have your own world with your boyfriend, Roi, my father abandoned us, and my mother is struggling to meet our basic needs. Do you think I still deserve to be alive? I'd rather die,\" she cries. Marla discovered that Alice felt like she was alone throughout her battle; she felt terrible for not checking about what was really happening with her best friend. She tried to talk gently with Alice, but she refused. They let that night pass with a sorrowful heart. After a few days, Alice began to ignore Marla and expressed her de- sire to leave the condominium, but Marla objected. They simply agreed to 121

HIRAETH 122 continue to live together until the end of the semester. Alice is starting to have cuts on her wrists, and she isn't sleeping well, as observed by Marla. She had seen Alice crying in the dark at times during the night. It was so frightening, so she talked to Alice despite their distance. \"I know you're not okay; we've been together for the past 12 years,\" she says. \"Please, if you need help, I'm here. I'm always here,\" she added. \"Why is life so unfair? You have a whole family, a guy who recognizes your value, and I aspire to a life. Why did I end up like this?\" \"I can't even sing or paint; everything is horrible, and I'm losing hope,\" Alice responded. Marla used that conversation to tell her best friend that she would always be there for her and willing to help her. After a week, Alice approached Marla and asked for a hug. \"Do you know someone who could help me get out of this situation?\" she asked. \"I do,\" Marla said. \"My auntie is a Psychiatrist, and I'll talk to her about looking after you.\" They then proceeded to Marla's auntie's clinic. They conduct some tests, such as screening and observing Alice's reac- tions to various scenarios. They discovered Alice had developed depres- sion. Alice was on medication and counseling for the duration of her treatment. She also learned to focus on herself by taking care of herself. She tells her doctor about all of her problems. She even allowed herself to be involved in activities that she excels at, such as painting and sing- ing. Alice took a long time to recognize that she was gradually improving. Alice also spoke with her mother, who assured her that she would support her no matter what happened. Her mother also requested her to cease

working for the time being and instead provide for Alice's needs. Alice continues school while undergoing therapy. She concentrated on her schoolwork and has managed to keep her scholarship. She gradually re- gained her vibrant life by effectively managing her emotions. Everything went smoothly over time, and Alice's bond with her best friend and family grew more assertive. They were the ones that aided Alice in overcoming the chaos. Both of them have faced challenges throughout their lives. As their friendship progresses, they learn more and more about each other. It's wonderful that they're willing to be there for one other, primarily through difficult times. Even if their problems are not simple to over- come, they never give up. Alice and Marla demonstrate that they are each other's confidants in good times and bad. Nothing could break their friendship. -h- 123

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HIRAETH 126 FEATURES TAMPOK

photograph by jan lance matias 127

HIRAETH 128 Four Sjoehnajessteor cnarsingOal f Life Some experience all the seasons, some experience only two seasons. Though these seasons are not everywhere be- cause it depends on the location you are located. Seasons vary more noticeably in northern and southern countries. People who live near the poles may have icier, colder winters, while those who live near the equator may experience hotter summers. Temperatures around the equator are very stable throughout the year, with mild winters and swel- tering summers barely distinct. We al- ways wanted to experience all of these seasons. We want to capture the fall, catch the snowflakes and feel the cold temperature while taking a cup of hot soup, enjoy the summer on the beach and of course the air that soothes our mind and soul during the spring.

Spring Birds are chirping, the leaves are vibrant in green, animals start to go outside, the flowers bloomed with a blast of dif- ferent hues; these are the signs that Spring is already starting. Spring is the most relaxing season among the four. It brings a re- lief to everyone’s mind and soul. In life, we always need a season to refresh. A season that will benefit ourselves. Spring symbolizes new hope; that every cold day you experience and hot days you feel, there is always a time to bloom in and spread happiness in everyone’s life. All living things are resurrecting, and new life is sprouting everywhere. This season may be brief, as summer is on the way, but we are grateful for it anyway. 129

HHIIRRAAEETTHH 113300 Summer The most awaited season is summer. In this season, we love to eat ice cream and other cold sweets. People love to go to beach- es and get fine tanned lines. In this season, high temperatures are expected. Due to high temperature, people prefer to wear clothes that are light colored and very refreshing in feeling. Also at this time, farmers love to plant and harvest foods in preparation for winter. Summer is also a great time to establish certain skills and behaviors that will benefit you across your life. Summer is indeed an excellent time to visit new locations and create new memories. Summer prepares us to be stronger in the coming season. This reminds us that even though summer has longer days than night, we must value each time that we enjoy it. And this also gives us a reminder that we need to enjoy our life at its fullest.

Autumn The time where leaves usually fall. This is the prime season for fruit and vegetable production.The time where the temperature starts to cool-off. Many animals prepare for winter hibernation when plants begin to wilt. A season where kids usually play out- doors and make the most of it before winter comes. People prepare and stock foods in their pantries. It is the time to look back on all the good memories. Our brains and bodies are rejuvenated, and we are feeling better. Finally, the fall season elicits a great deal of excitement and energy among individuals because it is the time for enjoying nature's splendors. 131

HIRAETH 132 Winter It's the perfect time to appreciate snow's beauty. The impact of win- ter on our lives is tremendous. We are going to have a blast. The cold breeze, which dulls the climate and makes it overly cold, is the primary reason for this season.The time when people usu- ally wear thick clothes. Some prefer to stay at home but some people go outside to make snowmen and play snowballs with their friends and families. At this time, people love to cook and eat hot soup. People also grab this opportunity to connect with their loved ones. They tend to express their feelings more as they eat completely in the dining area. After this cold season, the cycle of the season is going to continue.

The four seasons around the world conclude that all of us are also expe- riencing different seasons in our lives. We have a season to be happy and ex- plore the outside world. We also have seasons that remind ourselves that there is always a new beginning after all of the coldness we experience. There is always a refresh stage that will help our mind and soul. After all, we always need to look for the beauty in every dull- ness that we experience in our lives. 133

HIRAETH 134

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HIRAETH 136 “Mañana Habit” The ReasonmWahryy ProesoepclaedParcioocrastinate It was my first week as a college student when I no- ticed I opted to delay tasks until the due date was near. I would commonly write assignments on a post-it note, the schedules beside it, lay all day in bed, scroll through social media, clean my room all over again and watch television shows while suppressing my rumination about the quality of the work I hadn’t even started. Everyone aspires to be a successful, active, and productive constituent of a con- stantly evolving society. Still, some things are not that easy to change for the people who have made it a habit to procrastinate.

Procrastinating quenches our thirst for the unknown People are inherently intimidated by the unfamiliar and afraid of uncertainty. It is more convenient for us to delay the un- known, which is apparently inevitable. Overachievers and per- fectionists are often guilty of this routine as they expect a clear and perfectly finished output out of their imagina- tion. In some cases, they find this deed beneficial. Love- ly Brigette Macasaet, a first-year psychology student, asserted that she tends to finish her tasks earlier with this procrastinating technique. The flip side is that they are too worried it might not end up as expect- ed, so they will rationalize to just start working on it later. Procrastinating delays people’s fear of the unknown, so we would most likely cling to it every time such tasks scare us. The hack is to admit that you are afraid and start to do it anyway. Trust me, you’ll figure it out along the way. 137

HIRAETH 138 Fixed vs. Growth mindset Perhaps, you have heard about the fixed and growth mindset, wherein the former means you think you remain stagnant in whatever way you accomplish it. In contrast, the latter means you can face all the struggles waiting ahead of it while learning from mistakes you were too afraid to commit. The key is to affirm that you will always outgrow all these obstacles no matter what. The “too late” card One of the hundreds of excuses we do not ever try to start is because we think we are too left out. Too left out to save mon- ey. Too left out to start a business. Too left out to open a bank account. Again, these are merely self-deceiving ideas formulated by a mind clouded by the intimidation brought by the unknown. Remember the saying; the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. So, count from one to three and start doing it now.

Procrastinating is not merely made out of the conscious decision. In most cases, this “mamaya na” habit indicates the underlying issues behind our actions that we often overlook. Some might say it can help them stra- tegically; others might say it gradually accumulates and turns into problematic behavior. Broadly speaking, procrastina- tion is not as harmful as a life-and-death situation. However, people constantly tolerating and adhering to this behavior might lose sight of the significance of time passing through and what they wish they could have done. 139

HIRAETH 140 ishtientnaabkaldeesasnchto wo to tell a story

DEFaYvelIlNahGmThHeiEdeDgISuzGmRanACE hivers up my arms and into my neck, a heavy chest, now my legs start, I'm not sure if I'm hot or cold, my chest gets heavier as my body decides whether to fight or take flight.\" my patient 14 said. Luck- ily, I am aware of what is going on; my head re- mains calm as I tell him to sit down beside him so I can check up on him more. Sitting at my desk as I try to start this story, I struggle to decide where to begin and feel it coming on. As I reminisced about what I had been through during my teenage years, I would have told him that if you want to see the stars, you must be willing to travel through the dark. I got a lot of pa- tients today, and I must say that the young boy with the gray t-shirt really caught my full attention. I could see the sadness in his eyes, the fake smiles, the hidden words when- ever he speaks, and the unsaid thoughts in his mind. I have been through that phase, and I have shed many tears at night endlessly. 141

HIRAETH 142 No matter what condition you're dealing with, a diagnosis can be challenging to acknowledge and accept. It may be frightening to consider discuss- ing with classmates, friends, or family. Though mental illness is more widely discussed now than ever, the stigma and bias that people may have to- ward it, whether conscious or unconscious, is real. I have noticed a lot lately that people use the words \"mental health\" to describe mental illness and de- velopmental disorders. Nothing irritates me more as someone who studies psychology and linguis- tics than those who do not utilize particular vocab- ulary when discussing mental illnesses. In recent years, society has grown much more conscious of the need for specificity in language when talking about minority or marginalized groups of people, which begs the issue of why we haven't updated our lexicon for individuals with mental illness and formative issues in a similar way. artwork by desiree matienzo

\"I can't stop thinking about passing away the people I care about. The unknowable — the way of death, the time, the aftermath — is more important than its actuality. Some days I'm obsessed to the point of paralysis.\" After hearing every word, I immediately asked him, \"Who was there for you at your lowest?\". \"No one.\" he re- plied straight to my face. One of the thousand reasons I did not open up about the chal- lenges I encountered back then. Everybody has mental health, so mental health isn't stigma- tized. What are stigmatized are mental illness and developmental disorders. Using \"men- tal health\" to talk about mental illness and developmental disorders further stigmatizes them and diminishes people's struggles with mental illnesses and developmental disor- ders. \"Believe it or not, I tried working through this morbidity with a psychiatrist for the better part of the past years but stopped going when I became impatient with what I saw as a lack of progress. I wanted a full day without the onslaught, but I wasn't interested in digging into my past to figure out why only certain people were the recurring subjects of these dark fantasies. I could see my younger self in him, trying to survive all day, thinking there would be no better tomorrow. But look at me now, I graduated from medical school and am now in my fellowship as a psychi- atrist. I used to be afraid too till I became someone who I truly need,\" I said with hot tears going down my face. 143

HIRAETH 144 How we speak about mental illness dramatical- ly impacts stigma. We generally suggest utiliz- ing what is designated \"human-first\" language, implying that you ought to allude to somebody as an \"individual with bipolar disorder\" as op- posed to a \"bipolar individual.\" Throughout history and today, individuals with psycholog- ical instability have been dehumanized because of their circumstances — human first language accentuates how individuals are individuals, separate from their dysfunctional behavior. Regularly, individuals might be reluctant to say \"psychological sickness\" out of dread of being heartless. It is more problematic to use \"mental health\" instead of outright referring to people with mental illnesses while using people-first language. Talking about mental illness as \"men- tal health\" demeans the everyday struggles of people with these disorders. It likens being mis- erable to sorrow, apprehension with uneasiness, testy to bipolar turmoil, and hyper to ADHD. Common sentiments and feelings are not equiv- alent to having a psychological sickness and hinting that they possibly increment disgrace when somebody really has a dysfunctional be- havior that cannot be fixed by a bath bomb, a cup of tea, or a face mask. Recently I've seen people talk about developmental disorders like ADHD and autism using \"mental health.\" They are not exactly the same thing.

We have to stop this kind of stigma, or it will only get worse than expected. Many people with serious mental illness are challenged doubly. On the one hand, they battle with the side effects and capacities resulting from the infection. On the other hand, they are challenged by the stereotypes and prejudices resulting from misguided judgments about men- tal illness. I started to ask him, \"What are you willing to do to survive this big rock in your path? What will your future self tell you? You do not have to struggle in silence. There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn't.” We need to find ways to stay connected with our community more than ever. No one should feel alone or without prior knowledge, support, and help they need. S in stigma must be stopped to see the direction and motivation to survive. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but the stigma and bigotry shame us. “I am the author of my own life, and I choose to put a semicolon instead of a period at every point that my depression tells me otherwise.” I blithely say to my younger self’s reflection, no longer in the dark but in the path of light. 145

HIRAETH 146 Nevermbabeel laSmtanrayed We all have dreams. But to make dreams come into reality takes an awful lot of determination, dedica- tion, self-discipline, and effort. When we are little, we are of- ten asked what we want to become when we grow up. The typical an- swers we have were to become a doctor, a teacher, a policeman, and many more. But more than that, we all have a story and reason why we want to achieve something. It may be in the state of life we have, an event in our lives, or we offer it to someone close to our hearts. To be in a simple family with her mother, older sister, and niece. It can be said to have grown up just like a typical teen. There are times when they can afford all the household expenses, but they also need to adjust. This is how Christine Rae Garcia described her life. A third-year student taking up Bach- elor of Arts in Communication at Batangas State University- Lipa Campus. At the age of twelve, many of us don’t know where we want to go in life. It is natural for a child to wonder about everything; change our choic- es due to different discoveries and adapt to the world. But at this age, ev- erything became crystal clear for her, and that was to become a lawyer. A personal experience made her awake for this calling. The words “bibigyan kita ng hustisya” pushed her to the path she never knew she would take.

But life does not always present itself on the road without bumps. Only having a dream won’t help; you need to work towards achieving this dream. As part of it, we all have to go through hardships to achieve what we aspire to. Just like Rae, even if it is explicit for her that she wants to become a lawyer, she still has to go through trials. One of these is the choice of the program she will take as her pre-law. First on her list is a Bachelor of Science in Psychology. Still, the fact that she came from a school where there is a chaotic ac- ademic system pulls down her grade and plans. Howev- er, resentment does not seem to be in her vocabulary, which is why she was in her current program. Despite the deviations along the way, her mind never strayed from her desired goal. This course has honed and contin- ues to hone her in research and communication. Struggles don’t stop from chasing her. Like a typical daughter and student, she often experi- ences pressure and a lack of self-confidence. If her classmates are asked, they will describe her with one and the same word, top student. But for her, she is just an average person. A person who struggles spends every night crying and feeding herself with thou- sands of doubts. She felt she did not deserve rest, and everything was falling apart. Despite this, she still chooses to get up and continue to fight. One of the things she said really inspired me, and maybe the same goes for others in the same situation as hers. She emphasiz- es “Umiiyak at sasabihin sa sarili kong, hindi mo kailangan kayanin pero kailangan mong subukan”, I think that screams motivation. Shed- ding tears is not a sign of weakness; thus, it makes you stronger after. She cannot do all this without her sole motivation, and a solid sup- port system is her mother. With overflowing love and support and having the freedom to make choices all by herself without forgetting her limita- 147

HIRAETH 148 tions, Rae became a wom- an of her own. Seeing the hardships and sacrifices of her mother becomes her fuel to crave success even more. Challenges and survival are a never-ending cycle in every individual’s life. And for Rae, as she plans the route toward her dreams, taking the driver’s seat and having unstoppable fire within her, no one can stop her from reaching the finish line. Everybody around her will tighten their grip and hold their breath for a couple of minutes. Remember that every king and queen was once a crying baby, and every build- ing was once a blueprint.

astray on her wide drnaicfkotlporaenrzapdiinsieero 149

HIRAETH 150 SIX WORD STORY ANIM NA SALITANG KUWENTO