SDA Kinship - CONNECTION - May 2004

May 2004 • Vol.28 No. 4 Kinship’s Spring Board Meeting, page 12SDA Kinship Connection

KINSHIP BOARD Who we are... President: Bob Bouchard Seventh-day Adventist Kinship International, Inc. (Kinship) is a non-profit Vice President: Taylor Ruhl support organization which ministers to the spiritual, emotional, Secretary: Bruce Harlow social,intersex and physical well-being of Seventh-day Adventist lesbian, gay Treasurer: Karen Lee men, bisexual, and transgendered individuals and their families and friends. Connection Editor: Catherine Taylor Kinship facilitates and promotes the understanding and affirmation of LGBT Marketing & PR/Webmaster: Adventists among themselves and within the Seventh-day Adventist community through education, advocacy, and reconciliation. Kinship is an RobbCrouch/Dave Gilsdorf organization which supports the advance of human rights for all people. Church Liaison: Leif Lind Womyn’s Coordinator: YolandaElliott Founded in 1976, the organization was incorporated in 1981 and is Kampmeeting 2004 Coordinator: recognized as a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization in the US. Kinship has a board of up to 15 officers and 13 regional coordinators. The current list of Fred Casey members and friends includes several thousand people in 20 countries. BOARD MEMBERS AT LARGE IMRU: Eric Gilleo SDA Kinship believes the Bible does not condemn, or even mention, KinNet Coordinator: Floyd Poenitz homosexuality as a sexual orientation. Ellen G. White does not parallel any Office Manager/Member Services: of the Bible texts, which are often used to condemn homosexuals. Most of the anguish imposed upon God’s children who grow up as LGBT has its Fred Casey roots in a misunderstanding of what the Bible says. Fund-raising: Mark Driskill Finance: Karen Wetherell Support Kinship International Coordinator: Kinship operates solely on contributions from its members and friends. ObedVazquez-Oritz Help us reach out to more LGBT Adventists by making a tax-deductible EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE donation to SDA Kinship International. Please send your check or money Bob Bouchard, Taylor Ruhl, Bruce order to the address below (VISA and MasterCard also accepted). Harlow, Catherine Taylor, Sherri SDA Kinship, P.O. Box 49357, Sarasota, FL 34230-6375 — 866-732-5677 Babcock, Samuel Pang, Karen Lee REGIONAL COORDINATORS–USA Visit SDA Kinship’s Web Site at: www.sdakinship.org Region 1 (PA, NJ, NY, CT, RI, MA,VT, NH, ME) Eric Gilleo OTHER COORDINATORS The Connection reserves the right 617-524-8210 Intersexed Coordinator: to edit manuscripts for length, [email protected] syntax, grammar, and clarity. Region 2 (WV, VA, NC, DE, MD,DC) CarolynParsons 425-917-0842 Address all submissions to the Yolanda Elliot 410-531-5382 [email protected] Connection, P.O. Box 49357, [email protected] Transgendered/TransexualCoordinat Sarasota, FL 34230-6375. Inquiries Region 3 (TN, AL, MS, GA, SC, FL) or: Sandra Hoffecker and article submissions may also be Fred Casey 866-732-5677 [email protected] e-mailed to [email protected]. [email protected] CONNECTION Region 4 (MN, IA, MO, WI, IL, Circulation: Fred Casey The mention or appearance of any MI,IN, KY,OH) Fred Casey European Editor: Ruud Kieboom names, organizations or 866-732-5677 Photography: Bruce Harlow photographs in this publication is [email protected] Region 5 Production: Karen Wetherell not meant to imply a fact or (TX, OK, KS, AR, LA) FloydPoenitz INFORMATION statement about sexual orientation 972-416-1358 [email protected] The Connection is published by or activity. Region 6 (ND, SD, CO, NE, WY,UT, Seventh-day Adventist Kinship NM) Robb Crouch 402-438-0883 International, Inc. Principal office: Subscription requests or address region6@s dakinship.org P.O. Box 49357, Sarasota, FL changes may be sent to: Region 7 (AK, WA, OR ID, MT) 34230-6375; 866-732-5677. Subscriptions, P.O. Box 49357, FredCasey 866-732-5677 Submissions of letters, articles, Sarasota, FL 34230- 6375, or call [email protected] pictures, art work, and graphics are 866-732-5677. The Kinship mailing Region 8 (No. CA, NV HI) Elena welcome. Include your name as you list is confidential and used only by Thomas-Blough 480-272-7168 want it published, address and Kinship officers. The mailing list is [email protected] telephone number. If an item is to not sold, rented, or exchanged for Region 9 (So. CA, AZ) Bruce Boyd be acknowledged or returned, any purpose. 818-708-7448 [email protected] please include a self-addressed, © 2004 Connection. All rights Michelle Cornwell 760-320-1853 stamped envelope. Some reserved. Reproduction in whole or [email protected] Connection contributors have in part without permission is AFFILIATED INTERNATIONAL chosen to remain anonymous or use prohibited. OPINIONS EXPRESSED REGION COORDINATORS pseudonyms. HEREIN ARE NOT NECESSARILY Australia: Noel Thorpe THOSE OF SDA KINSHIP [email protected] INTERNATIONAL. Brazil: Itamar Matos de Souza Member of the Gay and Lesbian [email protected] Press Association. Canada: Brent Lehmann [email protected] May 2004 Europe: Ruud Kieboom [email protected] Germany: Roy Ratzer [email protected] Central & South America: Alexander Gomez Pasco [email protected] Philippines: Jonathan Coo [email protected]

Growing a Relationship as an Adolescent Alexia and Jodi are the pseudonyms for two adolescent members of Kinship who have been involved with each other for 19 months. Because one of them is under the age of eighteen and one of them is still working on projects involved with the organized Seventh Day Adventist Church they have chosen these names for publication. They ran into each other on the internet when they lived on different sides of the planet… Jodi and Alexia We met in a chat room for teen Adventist beliefs. Jodi says \"I'm not an American way for me. I waslesbians on Yahoo. Jodi was the a religious person so coming out good at home but here I was aone who wanted to get to know for me wasn't as difficult. I had little wild. No, I was really wild.Alexia better and we say she was a supportive friends who didn't have Alexia helped me understandstalker, for at least a month. Every the same perspective on the things that are bad for me. Becausetime Alexia got on the internet, homophobia thing. About two I am around people who have notJodi would instant message her. learned to take care of themselves,Jodi says \"there was something months after we got together it has been good to have Alexiareally nice about Alexia. Our Alexia broke up with me because give me a spiritual side.\"conversations seemed fulfilling. she couldn't deal with the wholeWe had real conversations; not issue of being involved with a Alexia says that \"dealing withsmall talk. Alexia doesn't usually woman and with her religious my mixed feelings about havinggo in chat rooms and well, Jodi beliefs. I didn't understand it at this relationship and beingdidn't either. It somehow first. I got angry because I thought religious is still difficult. The thinghappened that we both ended up it was shallow. But I now is, we really want to be together. Iin this chat room that day. We understand it's because I had a think if we want to be togetherthink it was meant to be. really different background than enough we can make this work. her. Now I see it more. I think there We need to be willing to learn Our conversations felt real from are benefits to Alexia's religious new things and to try tothe beginning. Jodi says that she's beliefs. Teenageish life was such understand where each of us isnot normally a person who gets coming from. We need to acceptclose to others. \"When I make each other for who we are and notfriendships they are not try to change each other. Jodiemotionally intimate. It was stopped some of her drinking anddifferent with Alexia. I could be other behaviour, even though sheclose to her.\" Alexia says that Jodi didn't understand why I didn't likewas \"talking\" with her cousin on it. She knew I had my reasons andthe computer. \"Marti asked Jodi if she just stopped doing them. Ishe liked me. Jodi said 'Yes, I like think being with Jodi isher a lot. I really like her. I really strengthening me spiritually. I'mreally like her.' So Marti said \"Ask not trying to preach at her but Iher out!' Obviously she knows can express my ideas and my viewsabout our relationship.\" Alexia says to her and she listens. Jodi is veryshe wanted to ask Jodi out but willing to listen and she feels freedidn't \"want to look like an internet to disagree. I like that she oftenpsycho, so I'm glad she asked me.\" takes my ideas into consideration. It makes me feel better that she's Alexia shared her religious actually listening. When I talk Ibeliefs with Jodi from the reinforce my own beliefs.\"beginning of our conversations.She didn't talk about being a Alexia goes on to say \"We talkSeventh Day Adventist but about about our problems and we talkbeing a Christian girl. As we talked about ways to solve them. Ourmore she began to share her basic lives and some of our issues are working out in ways we didn't think were possible. Working them 3

Jodi and Alexia… are two hamsters running around talked on the phone Alexia the wheel in a cage, trying to get wouldn't say a word. Jodi finally out changes me.\" Alexia continues somewhere.\" said \"I'll call back\". to deal with her internalised homophobia because of her Alexia says \"It's got to get \"We don't make empty religious background. Jodi says \"I frustrating because Jodi came to promises. I want to make her world have a friend who is Cuban. He the States for our relationship and I better. I want to treat her better had a bad break-up with his feel helpless because I can't move than anyone in her life. I want to boyfriend and went back to Cuba in with her yet, drive out there, pay be the person that makes her to recuperate. When he returned for plane tickets, or be awake for happy. I want to make it easier for here he hated gay people. He late night phone calls all the time. Alexia to talk.\" Alexia says they've thought we were not trustworthy. I fall asleep. I used to beat myself worked on many creative ways to My friend hung out with anti-gay up over it. I want to drive out there. build emotional intimacy. \"For a people and he began to feel the I want to buy Jodi things. So then I long time I would write in my way they feel. Alexia wants feel like she has a right to be upset. open on-line diary and then Jodi everyone to be happy. When she Like in May, I was planning on would comment on it. Then we hangs out with friends that are getting my license right away and would do the same thing in homophobic she will try to be with then I would drive to New York to reverse. Jodi never used to be the majority and make herself go get her but I probably won't be someone that opened up to others. heterosexual because she wants to able to do that. I am not getting She was cautious.\" Jodi agrees that make them happy. I hate not being much experience driving. She she was more used to having able to show affection in public. wanted me to spend a couple of acquaintances; that she was not Alexia is more skittish about being days in her city before we came used to trusting others.\" able to be open about our back here. Jodi thinks that one of relationship. I get hurt and angry her issues is that she has been more \"We look at all the relationships and I shut down. When I have time independent. \"My mother lets me around us. I tell Jodi the things I to think, I realize where her live in foreign countries.\" Alexia's admire about one of my parental feelings come from and I find mother \"would never let me go units and her partner. We look at them more understandable.\" away like that. I try to let Jodi see I the others. There were lots of would be willing if I could. I want people who we know who started When Jodi gets upset like this to go to the Middle East to see dating around when we did and she needs to take a break and then Jodi's world. I want to see where they have already broken up. And come back. Alexia says \"I never let Jodi was when we got together.\" they break up over the stupidest her just turn away and go off. I things. It's positive and reassuring want her to talk about how she is Both Alexia and Jodi think their that we've had stupid things in our feeling and will sit right next to relationship has many strengths. life and gotten through them. We her until she will talk to me. Now Alexia is amazingly patient. There have good relational role models. that we have spent time together I is a good side of trying to make And we get to look at the mistakes don't like to talk on the internet. I everyone happy. Alexia tries to put other people make and we learn tell her that she is frustrated herself in Jodi's shoes. One of the from them.\" because she wants us to be challenges is that she doesn't stand together and all we have is the up for herself. She needs to work Alexia says \"I'm pretty bitter with phone and the internet. I say that on that issue. Alexia has said she a lot of the pettiness I've seen with it's what we have and we have to would marry a guy to make the Seventh Day Adventists. I don't make the best out of it until we can everyone happy. Jodi doesn't't always want to think about their be together. She tries to think that is fair, to either one of affect on me. On a positive note, understand. Every free time she has them. Alexia thinks that Jodi's one of the reasons why I have so we're always on the phone. She willingness to hear her out is much patience is because of my gets frustrated that I might have huge. They've been through a lot religion. My relationship with God things to do. We don't have our together. \"We talked for a year and and good Adventist role models own life away from everything and three months with no physical have let me know I'm loved. They we have to mix our lives. She used contact. We didn't have a sexually show me the kind of love I think to get upset about why I can't talk based relationship. We got to God wants to show all of us.\" Jodi to her right now but this trip we know each other from a perspective thinks it's important to do what's have talked a lot about all of this. that was different than usual. We comfortable and avoid the things Jodi says \"Even though we are in a had to work extra hard to talk and that aren't comfortable. We hurt long distance relationship I want to trust during our time that was other people if we are not true to to work towards it not being long just on the internet. We couldn't ourselves.\" Alexia still thinks distance. Sometimes I feel like we see each other's facial expressions. \"people cannot go into a We're not sure if the phone is relationship thinking it's going to4 better or worse. The first time we be easy. They have to know it's going to be a rocky road.

Jodi and Alexia… Question of the MonthHomophobic people don't think \"What are the gifts in your life from being bothfor themselves. They often don't gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered/intersex and having aknow that we are all around them.They get affected by the people Seventh Day Adventist background?\"who say that being gay is wrong.The people who condemn us use Shelby: I have found that being go, I know someone. I took thejust a few Bible verses and they both lesbian and sense of family that I have withdon't really want to study out the SDA challenges Adventists and expanded it andentire issue. people to think made it unconditional. As different outside the box as I was I never got bashed like I Alexia has support from her in which they've would have in public schools. Ifamily. She says that growing up grown up and was valued. I was able to survivewith them has taught her to be don't even know playing hopscotch and notaccepting and non-judgmental. \"I surrounds them. football.like to give everyone a huge This mixchance and not jump to challenges people to expand their Yolanda: I went to small Adventistconclusions. Jody says \"Lots of view of God, to see that God is schools and I have a large familypeople have a hard time coming bigger than their original pictures.out to their parents. I didn't have to For me, when I lost my church so I've alwaysdeal with that. My mom is family I had to decide to still be a had a sense ofamazingly supportive. When I first Seventh Day Adventist. I had to community.told her about Alexia she thought I decide again to have a relationship When the issuewas going through a phase. I've with God. I have learned that of sexuality andheard people talk about their being Adventist is much bigger spirituality camefamilies kicking them out. I feel than being a part of an individual up I searched forlucky that my mom tries to church. community. Iunderstand my life. My mom is went all the way across the countrywilling to fly Alexia out to the Sam: That's a tough one. Being by myself. When I walked throughMiddle East so she can meet my raised a Seventh the door of Kinship, I foundfamily.\" Alexia is concerned that Day Adventist family. I know we are family.she has to prove herself to Jodi's made me When I walked through the door itmother. \"Jodi has done so much for judgmental and was about lunch time and Jessethis relationship. I don't want her rigid. Being gay and Lamont snatched me up andmom thinking I really don't care forced me to took me to the head of the line.about it. I don't want her to think re-think myit's one sided. I'm also frustrated entire paradigm. Mark: A sense of family and a sensebecause what I believe and what The discipline of being raised of community. Being Adventistsome other Adventists believe is so Adventist helped me disciplinedifferent. It's almost like we are myself as a gay man. gave me aanother branch of the church\". structure of Bruce: It probably kept me alive. I spirituality as I We both are only starting our was repressed was coming outlife. We don't know if we will be and not out to as a gay person.together forever. We both say we many people. I It wasdon't want to break up but this is didn't catch somethingdefinitely not a mature relationship AIDS and I'm good to holdyet. It's a growing process. This alive. My love of onto as I was finding out who Iinterview has been kind of odd music is a huge was. Once I did decide who I was,because we've never talked out part of my the family and sense of communityloud about our relationship like growing up was there in Kinship. When I wasthis before. But we think it's been SDA. Every Friday we would sing ready, it was there.good to have us think in a different for an hour. We got a love andway. appreciation of music. Wherever I Continued, page 7SDA Kinship Connection 5

Running as Metaphor Ben Kemena mind…. I muse about my time in Loma Linda Lopers, the largest the \"gay closet\" at Loma Linda; the running group participating in the 8 AM; March 7, 2004: I was in Los open air isn't always invigorating LA Marathon–credit for hanging in Angeles at the Bonaventure Hotel either! there with me. With the Adventist for my fourteenth running of the \"grapevine\" being what it LA Marathon–along with 24,000 As we assembled Saturday is–complete with Internet other fellow runners. At the time evening for the event augmentation–everyone knows I'm the event started, it was already 75 (appropriately after sundown, filled \"queer\" in about ninety seconds. F–another balmy day in southern with pre-race contrition!), the They knew this last year too, but California–soon to be scalding at conversations are something out of the power of denial is so strong 90 F by mid-day! Fine beach an old dormitory locker room. The that I must \"come out\" every year as weather to be sure, but a little straight men discuss their training a reminder. This usually occurs warm for a 26.2 mile run in the strategies and interval workouts. when someone unwittingly sun. They talk about their special socks, inquires, \"so, where's your little shoes, \"power bars,\" and hydration woman?\" - I explain and he/she This event always stirs old plans. Perhaps this is the closest I apologizes for making the same feelings within me. The marathon will get to seeing Adventist mistake last year…. My running is my winter running goal. I need metrosexuality. I may want to talk friends get past this quickly, but the motivation to keep running about the athletic bodies, the latest they are aware of the gossip–and through the Denver snow. But it is style in running singlets, and the speculation of who I might be also a homecoming of sorts. I whether I should use hair gel–but sharing a room with…. For the sake lived in southern California for alas, that might be \"too gay.\" A of Adventist propriety, I shared my twelve years. Furthermore, the few guys talk about the \"running pre-marathon hotel room with Marathon generally coincides with babes\"–just because they are three lovely women this year. But alumni gatherings at my alma married doesn't mean they are within thirty minutes of room mater, Loma Linda University. blind–until they look over at me check-in, I felt trapped in Thus, I usually see many of my and realize their casual something akin to cable classmates, friends, and family. indiscretion. I smile demurely and television's \"Lifetime This year was no different. nod my forty-something balding Channel\"–programs for women head. I am out-numbered, to be (and some gay men)–particularly My presence is a conundrum for sure. This isn't another episode of as discussions turned to the finer most I meet–and is best met with \"queer eye for the straight nuances of \"jogging bras\". No humor and charity. Some realize guy\"–more like \"straight plan for offense to high-powered that it is politically incorrect to be the gay man.\" I listen respectfully estrogen-driven women, but I was \"openly\" anti-gay–but they can and try to \"butch it up\"–but perhaps almost willing to return to a debate barely contain their zeal to \"steer I mis-stepped when I suggested regarding running shoe tread me straight.\" Others are impressed that church organists must be great design. that I still seem to be so \"normal\"–I athletes given all of their foot work disappoint their flamboyant on the pedals.... I did find \"escape time\" during expectations. Some are actually my running preparations. What did gay tolerant, but would rather not I have to give my running gay men do before cell phones? I make any public comment within mates–most are members of the called my \"own tribe\" for moral a stone's throw of the pepper trees support. Of course, every one that Ellen White saw in her vision expressed appropriate concern for of the \"pretty hill\". A few are overtly my travails, but to a person, they gay-accepting and toss Adventist also think I'm nuts. Certifiable. decorum to the wind by giving After all, why would a gay guy me a hug–a \"public display of participate in an activity that might affection\" for a gay man–which I result in blisters and toenail genuinely appreciate. Yet, no separations–just when \"sandal matter what their position is on season\" was approaching. All \"the issue,\" all of the runners in my agreed that well-toned perspiring reunion group aim to make sure men might be adequate reward, they \"beat the gay guy\"–or perhaps but couldn't that be accomplished a more colorful phrase comes to May 20046

in running one or two miles…with meaningless. Furthermore, I began On the sober sixty-mile driveone's fans waiting at the finish line to realize that my profundity came back to Loma Linda–with carwith a laurel wreath, loud cheers, long after our collective windows open \"for air\" as weand a cappuccino (decaf, \"endorphin rush\" (which had likely anxiously awaited showers andnaturally). These days, my partner, peaked at mile 2!). My over-the-top \"foot damage assessment\"–weMichael, lets me attend running comments apparently prompted didn't say much. Intuitively, I thinkevents–which he describes as one of the guys to drop-out and we knew that our \"filters\" and\"testosterone gone bad\"–alone! head for an aid station. I felt inhibitions were silenced by a terrible and apologized for my lack screaming fatigue. Awkwardness As the mayor of Los Angeles of sensibility –I stood self-accused gave way to pragmatism. One ofand Mohammed Ali fired the gun as an embarrassment to \"my tribe.\" my buddies just looked at me andto start the race, I knew this would The other fellows told me that their said \"screw it\"–as he put his armnot be a \"pretty marathon.\" The limping teammate had been around my neck and fell asleep onsheen of perspiration soon mixed complaining about blisters for the my shoulder. One of the ladywith dust to create filth. By noon, last ten miles and not to worry runners (I shared a hotel room withit was 90 F and race organizers otherwise. Yet, I felt their eyes roll her), slipped her sweaty trainingwere running out of drinking back into their heads as they bra off from under her sweatshirtwater. It happens–but at the time, I assessed me as a gay eccentric and threw it out the car window–towas cursing (which my devout from the hinterland (which does cheers of glee and laughter! IAdventist grandmother condoned have a ring of truth). The gay lads returned to Loma Linda as a gayas a God-given coping mechanism followed their fallen alumnus of reasonable standingnext to prayer…). Civil authorities teammate–they were staying (denial temporarilyfinally turned on fire hydrant together as a loyal group and derailed)–finishing with asprinklers. It would not be my best aborting their run. I knew that if I respectable time and beating mostrunning performance, but I sat down in the cool shade of the of my friends and family (I know itfinished while ambulances circled aid station, I was a \"goner\"–so I bid shouldn't really matter, but I have athe race course scavenging the tearful farewell and kept moving. I superficial side). We arrived backinjured and wounded. was very proud of them for staying to the wealthy neighborhoods of together and tempering their the \"new Jerusalem south of Barton At mile 16, I found a group of training and testosterone for the Road\" and thanked God for a safegay runners–their rainbow flags men they loved. I thought about sojourn. As we waited in turns fordrooping in the mid-day cauldron. my pontifications and laughed showers and clean clothes–andI told them I was from Denver and ruefully. Yes, I am nuts. Certifiable. gingerly removed our shoes andthat it was a relief to see \"family\" at examined our feet–we were all onethe event. They smiled Those air-conditioned in the same: human beingspolitely–and hoped I might never ambulances were certainly a prayerfully nursing our wounds.remember them from this event as temptation. But, I kept movingthey \"looked dreadful\"–which was and proudly crossed the finish line. Question of the Month…mutual. Amidst our panting, we My MP3 player was trashed and Italked about their reasons for knew I would lose a few toenails, Bob: This particular combinationrunning. No one had a witty but I was happy. I met my Loma made me understand, early in life,answer–so I spoke up. I Linda running buddies in thesuggested–with the tone and zeal Bonaventure hotel lobby. Even in that the world isof Adventist preachers of yore–that our fatigue and sweat, we were still complex and weour presence at the marathon was a sizing each other up. Who were need to havetestimony to the entire rich the real men who beat me - and sympathy withamalgam of our being. As I who were the sorry tripe who those who travelbecame lost in my own verbal would face another humiliation (in different roads.reverie, I suggested that this addition to pending heat stroke) Seventh Dayphysical challenge personified our losing to the gay guy? There was a Adventists are acore spiritual values and desire to lot of whining and complaining minority. Gay SDAs are even morelive beyond simple labels and about the heat and water shortage, of one. I needed to inspect mystereotypes. but I knew that a gay man beliefs. From a personal point of complaining of the same would view, I love the communion in the As certain as the smell of kimchi simply indict his sexuality all over family of Kinship. We have sharedas we ran through Korea-town, I again. So, I kept quiet (unusual for values.knew my gay social blunder was me) and let the straight-folkobvious. What the heck was I grumble and lend voice my own Continued, page 13thinking? These were gay men complaint. After all, I had alreadytrying to survive their own sweat, said enough today. 7pain and body odor–mymetaphysical piety was

Growing Into Our Years…Ren Reynolds cultures, tools, food, utensils, this realization. And I am not games, music, weapons and alone. I began to haveWhen we get right down to the instruments that may have helped conversations with those to whomsignificant nitty gritty of age and to sustain a person or people, we I was closest. I began to trulyaging, it appears that many of us look for the tools of our life to equate serious illness with death. Iare fearful of arriving at this sustain us. Curiosity is one of our began to have age related dreams.unknown place. We have not had greatest gifts and most important (A common theme is having ourpersonal experience with the tools. Many cultures and belief teeth crumble or fall out.) I thinkwaning and yet the most growth systems feed us on our journey. it's important to give voice to ourfilled years of our lives. These, for a They help us navigate new territory thoughts and our dreams. Webrief period of time, remain an with less fear. They help us build should never become isolated.unknown. We may rant, rave, rail strength and compassion that will Isolation is one of the true killers ofand perhaps dodge the issues bolster us and give us unexpected the soul. But, we need to realizeabout aging, illness and death, but depths. that everyone's emotional clockat some point, we have to face our runs at different speeds and inown foibles. It's easy to think that Many of us first experience our varying time zones. We need tobecause we are getting older or fear of death when we perceive talk to others who are willing tohave certain illnesses or an friends, family members, and have the conversations we areaccumulation of problems related ourselves reaching a maturity contemplating.to health or age, that we will where age and health becomeautomatically realize the need to factors. Perhaps that first gray hair That we age and become ill isfocus on wisdom, courage and a grabs our attention for a inevitable. How we deal with thatquality of life for ourselves. That second---long enough to pull it knowledge is what matters today.realization is not necessarily a out, hardly thinking. I did that in How we deal with that knowledgegiven. We need to figure out our my teens and early twenties. It was is what affects ourselves, ourjourney for ourselves. We also need more of a reaction to something friends, our family and ourinput from others. We need to out of place. You know, an \"out of community. Let's begin bysurround ourselves with those who sight out of mind\" kind of celebrating life. I believe that ourgive us positive thoughts and moment. When we reach our celebration is one of the mostenough gumption to set our own forties we begin to think longer important components of living. Itcontemplative direction. We need but not yet seriously about age is the very act of celebrating thatdignity and we need to define that and our relation to age. Sometimes builds us longer and healthierdignity for ourselves. it's a specific birthday that brings lives. It is that celebration that these nearly squelched thoughts breaths oxygen in the atmosphere When archeologists go into the back to us. We begin to reflect of our friends and our families. Wefield they scrape and dig very from a different perspective. We become teachers by example. Wecarefully. Perimeters are begin to use our curiosity to live into one of our greatest gifts toestablished, measured and marked. consider what our cache of this old world.The archeologists do not know thoughts means over the longwhat they will find or if they will haul. We seek books, music and Malvina Reynolds wrote songsfind anything of importance. They film to ponder. We develop new to express how she felt on manydelve methodically, screening and hobbies. We re-evaluate issues, including her own death.sifting layer after layer. They search friendships. We have begun to Below you'll find my take on herfor clues that will tie past with change. And it is in changing take of \"This World,\" which is whatpresent in order to yield that we find the best chance to Malvina supposed she might missunderstanding and knowledge. avoid sinking into the blues. after her death. It is not surprisingArcheologists spend weeks at a Instead of disintegrating, growth that she wrote of her family andtime on a dig. They protect their happens at a time of life that their home on Parker Street.site if they must shut down due to surprises us. Malvina had about a dozen yearsweather or some other interruption. to sing this message for audiencesWe can use similar processes to At some point we begin to lose all over the USA. It is still a favoriteinvestigate our own history and family members and friends. Their at concerts and appears on thefuture journey. Just as the loss is the greatest lesson that we Smithsonian CD. I use \"This World\"archeologist searches for history, ourselves are not going to be here by permission. forever. I was uncomfortable with8 May 2004

THIS WORLD …And then there are the times when we find ourselves wrapped in the next Stage of Life. by Malvina Reynolds Surviving GriefBaby, I ain't afraid to die, Ron of Washingtonit's just that I hate to say goodbyeto this world, this world, this world. From time to time I read on KINNET or hear thru theThis old world is mean and cruel, grapevine that one of our KINSHIP members hasbut still I love it like a fool, this world, experienced the loss of a loved one such as a parent, dearthis world, this world. friend or a partner. As I hear about their sorrow I am reminded of some of the difficult times I went thru as II'd rather go to the corner store grieved all by myself and wished for answers to the manythan sing hosannah on that golden shore, questions and emotions I was experiencing. A number ofI'd rather live on Parker Street years ago I was at the bedside of my best friend as he wasthan fly around where the angels meet. dying of cancer and was there to support his wife andOh, this old world is all I know, family. After returning home I experienced a lot of sorrowit's dust to dust when I have to go and many tears but never really grieved or worked thrufrom this world, this world, this world. my grief and had no one to talk to (or so it seemed).Somebody else will take my place, Eight years ago the love of my life died and this time ISome other hands, some other face, knew I had to get the help I found thru a Grief SupportSome other eyes will look around Group. Here I learned a number of things that I wouldAnd find the things I've never found like to share in hopes that it will help others. Whether itDon't weep for me when I am gone, was recently or a long time ago that you experiencedJust keep this old world rolling on, your loss I am sure you will find things that you canthis world, this world, this world. identify with and are helpful to you.Words and Music by Malvina Reynolds. NORMAL AND HEALTHYCopyright 1961, Schroder Music Co. RESPONSES TO GRIEF\"This World\" is used by permission. FALLING APART Immediately following a death, there is a sense of shock, numbness by and disbelief that can last minutes or weeks. The person may feel Eloise Cole panicked or overwhelmed and experience strong physicalI seem to be falling apart. reactions. When there has been aMy attention span can be measured in seconds. lengthy illness the grieved mayMy patience in minutes experience a sense of relief for theI cry at the drop of a hat. persons who died and forI forget things constantly. themselves now that the stresses ofThe morning toast burns daily. care giving are over. This periodI forget to sign the checks. allows the person to takeHalf of everything in the house is misplaced. information in at a slower rate andFeelings of anxiety and restlessness are my constant to prepare for the adjustments thatcompanion. lie ahead. Most people who sufferRainy days seem extra dreary. a loss, experience one or more ofSunny days seem an outrage. the followingOther people's pain and frustration seem insignificant.Laughing, happy people seem out of place in my Social:world. Withdrawal from othersIt has become routine to feel half-crazy. Dependence on othersI am normal I am told. Fear of being aloneI am a newly grieving person. 9

Surviving Grief… than you can imagine Certain dates, events, seasons, Your grief will involve continual and reminders will bring upsurgesCognitive in your grief. Confusion, sense of unreality changes. Poor concentration, Your grief will show itself in all Certain experiences later in life forgetfulness may resurrect intense grief feelings Denial, disbelief spheres of your life and who you for you. Constant thoughts about the are. It will affect your social person relationships, your health, Reference; Theres A Rando, Dreams of the deceased thoughts, feelings and spiritual Ph D., How To Go On Living beliefs. When Someone You LovePhysical Dies Palpitations Your grief will depend upon Shortness of breath, crying how you perceive the loss. WHAT WE NEED DURING GRIEF Diarrhea, constipation, vomiting Tightness in the chest or throat You will grieve for many things Time: Time alone and time with Change in appetite or sleep ( both symbolic & tangible), not others who you trust and who will patterns just the death itself. listen when you need to talk: Lack of energy; fatigue months and years of time to feel You will grieve for what you and understand the feelings thatSpiritual have lost already as well as for the go along with loss. Blaming God future--for the hopes, dreams and Lack of meaning or direction unfulfilled expectations you held Rest: Relaxation - Loss of faith for and with that person. Exercise-Nourishment- Diversion- Wanting to die/join the dead You may need extra amounts of person Your grief will involve a wide things you needed before. Grief is variety of feelings and reactions: an exhausting process emotionally.Emotional some expected and some not. You need to replenish yourself. Sadness Follow what feels healing to you Numb, empty, flat expression This loss will resurrect old and what connects you to the Guilt & self-reproach losses, feelings and unfinished people and things you love. Anger and/or anxiety business from the past. Indifference to daily activities Security: Try to reduce or find You may have some confusion help for financial or other stresses COMMON \"GRIEF EXPRESSION\" about who you are; this is die to in your life. Allow yourself to be the intensity and unfamiliarity of close to those you trust. Getting \"Why is this happening to me? the grieving experience and back into a routine helps. YouWhat did I do to deserve this?\" uncertainty about your new role in may need to allow yourself to do the world. things at your own pace.. \"If only I had told him/her onemore time, I love you.\" You may have a combination of Caring: You will need anger & depression: irritability, acceptance and caring throughout \"I think I 'm losing my mind; I frustration, and intolerance. the grief period. Try to allowcan't concentrate on anything.\" yourself to accept the expressions You may feel guilt in some of caring from others even though \"The nights and weekends are form. they may be uneasy and awkward.the worst for me--empty and If you lack support make finding itlonely.” You may have a poor sense of your first goal. Helping a friend or self-worth. close relative also suffering the \"If my faith were stronger, I same loss may bring a feeling ofwould be able to handle this.\" You may experience spasms, closeness with that person waves, or acute upsurges of grief \"I have trouble getting to sleep, that occur without warning. Goal: For a while it will seemand after I finally do, I only sleep a that much of life is withoutfew hours before I am up again.\" You will have trouble thinking meaning. At times like these, and making decisions; poor small goals are helpful. EXPECTATIONS YOU CAN HAVE memory and organization. Something to look forward to, like FOR YOURSELF playing tennis with a friend next You may feel you are going week, a movie tomorrow, a trip Your grief will take longer than crazy. next month helps you get throughmost people think it should. the immediate future. You may be obsessed with the Your grief will take more energy death or preoccupied with Small pleasures: Do not thoughts of the dead person. underestimate the healing effects10 of small pleasures, as you are You will search for meaning in your life and question your beliefs. May 2004 You may find yourself acting differently. Society has unrealistic expectations about your mourning and may respond inappropriately. You will have a number of physical reactions.

Surviving Grief… Letter From Larry:ready. Sunsets, a walk in the To family and friends. . . hamburger at the first fast foodwoods, a favorite food- all are place I could find upon my returnsmall steps toward regaining your Had a great 7 weeks in Africa. to the Newark airport; and back inpleasure in life itself. Don't be Ethiopia is so beautiful I don't Chicago I consciously marveled atafraid to have fun--laughter is understand why more people don't the clean, paved streets and thegood medicine. visit it. I'm told northern Ethiopia existence of sidewalks.) But the (yet to visit) contains 60% of all highs are well worth it! I oftenA little about me. I am a member of the mountains in Africa. I flew by wished some of you were there tothe Region 2 group in the small plane toward the south and help me enjoy the aspects that areMaryland / DC area. My interest in west of the country and was so beautiful they could never bedealing with grief goes back to my amazed at the number of volcanic described. Countless times, I felt aschildhood when I heard people craters. All this, plus interesting though I were on a movie set,making statements about people. I wouldn't recommend the given the scenery combined withindividuals who had lost a spouse capital for a week's stay, but colorful people plowing theiretc such as\" Why it has been 6 certainly the rest of the country is fields with oxen, grinding grainmonths since he died she should worth a month or two. I must go with a stone or vertical rammingbe over it by now\". I also recall the back a third time! And now I'm post, herding goats or cattle of alldeath of my grandmother who I also interested in the Dinka and colors with huge horns, or walkingwas very close to and how long I Nuer tribes of The Sudan. 15 miles on market day with livegrieved her death all on my own as (Anybody else interested?) chickens over the shoulder and aa kid. Over the years I have lost a sack of maize on the head to benumber of friends. I was with my Dell Russell and I got treatment sold in the village.best friend, his wife and family started in Addis Ababa for 4 or 5member when he was dying of tribal-area kids with club foot, and More later... I want to keepcancer and later had a tough time gathered information for rounding working on the photo CD I'll bewith grieving but never really up a new batch of kids for cleft lip sharing with you, which willworked thru it until 6 years later. As operations--along with numerous contain a more detailed generala buddy for people living with other miscellaneous stuff, such as narrative, plus photos & details ofAIDS I have lost a lot of friends and delivering a wheel chair and how charity money was spent, forone was the love of my life. When ordering another one, setting up those interested in that aspect.Ken died I knew I had to join a patient housing, meeting withsupport group which was a life new doctors, following up on old Otherwise, my urgent order ofsaver for me and I learned that cases, etc. While I was in the more business is to contract for my newgrieving is a lot of hard work but outlying town of Jinka, on my roof and front window installation,so important. Now I try to share the own, I treated numerous cases of putting my 2nd & 3rd floors backknowledge thru support groups or sores and skin ulcers (infections) into rentable condition, a quicksharing with printed information as plus put one person in a local 3-day trip to visit Dad in Arkansaswell as just being a friend to talk hospital and sent another to a and TiJuan in Pinckneyville,to. I have recently been able to start distant hospital where more wrapping up work for a couple ofa ministry with my church in advanced treatment is available for clients and the car trip east (beforeremembering people on the year a facially-disfiguring tumor. It's the end of fall) that I had toanniversary of their loved ones amazing how fast money can go, postpone twice already.death by sending them a special even where things are cheap. Iletter , and members of the Sabbath spent all the money I took for the Plus a lot of promises to keepschool class call or also send notes. trip (including the excess I thought and follow-up correspondence toOften the year anniversary can be I would return with) plus got cash Ethiopia, Ghana and southernas hard if not harder than the day advances on my credit card THREE African countries visited lastthe person died so we are trying to times! September.help people thru this rough time. There are many stressful aspects For the record: according to of visiting in third-world countries, plan, I sent only ONE postcard this and the cumulative effect can really trip (to TiJuan). My postcard to you start to annoy you after a few weeks will be the photo CD. Eventually. (I often dreamed of a big fat Larry 11

Kinship's Spring Board Meeting March 2004 the cleaning and the cooking. We are always bathed in graciousness. This year someone, who generously cares about Kinship, opened their home. Fred's mother and step father prepared the food. Paolo helped clean and host. Dave facilitated the home, the church, the concert, and some lovely California sun with almost no pollution. We flew in from the deep south, the far north, the tip of Florida, the tundra of New England. Bob arrived from Hawaii, Your Board hard at work. Time aloneIt's always a bit of a journey. First, the Adventist and the gay world,the organization has to decide there were unexpected andwhen and where we will meet. We welcomed reunions. Back forhave to find a location that won't lunch, work, sun, flowers, work,\"break the budget\". We look for children, dinner, photos, and thevenues that are accessible to Gay Men's Chorus singing theirairports. We calculate seasons or tribute to Los Angeles. Like schoolclimates that won't instigate children (or groupies) we weredepression. We try to account for quite excited to see Jesse and Davethe work of and vagaries in the on stage. We even got some sleep.lives of at least twelve to fourteen Back Sunday morning for breakfastpeople. And we begin to plan the and the rest of our agenda. Weweekend. Usually people offer their could write more but, in this case,homes to us. Often they also do pictures really are more fun. A working break Fred’s parents, Subby Salanitro and In church Jan Casey, worked wonders in the May 200412 kitchen after a brief layover in New York. Friday afternoon the Finance Committee met in Redondo Beach where one of its members was camping out in a hotel next to a family of sea lions, who also wanted to be part of any discussion going on. Friday evening Fred's family prepared dinner for the new arrivals. Sabbath morning we met for breakfast, very hard work, and then a field trip to the Glendale Church for their eleven o'clock services. As is the nature of both

All work and no play… Question of the Month… level of connection with music as well as education. The people of Business of the Organization Obed: The networks of the church Kinship have a lot in common. A very brief overview cross over to the gay world and We unanimously welcomed Taylor: The ironic and cultural carryBetty Ann Hale as Region 7 back again. If over from Adventism to Kinship. ICoordinator. we are part of We discussed ways we can be a the educational don't thinkpresence at the General Conference system that is friends would beSession in St. Louis next year. particularly true. the same if we Fred shared some of the Schools provide didn't share theamazing plans for our Reunion a space of sameKampmeeting this August. Robb connection. If I background.has created an online registration was raising kids today I would Kinship is aform that is available at send them to SDA schools for the better placewww.sdakinship.org. first five years. There it's easy to because of the social connections. Robb also talked about ways he find a sense of belonging. People Even though I may have a glass ofis working to prepare articles for who have not been to church wine with dinner, I think it's athe website and about the schools or church have a harder benefit that Kinship is a dryadvertising he is doing for the time getting into a group. There is organization.organization. a great diversity in the gay Karen Wylde and the finance Adventist group. I also find a great Continued, page 15committee continue to work tobuild better processes and resources Health Tips of the Monthfor our organization. We spent a great deal of time Research has revealed that a diet There may be a link between adiscussing ways we can work with that is high in fiber may boost fear of novel situations and athe administration of the Seventh weight loss efforts. In a study, shorter life span, according toDay Adventist Church using people who consumed a low-fat research. Of course, shyness andavenues that will be constructive. diet with 26 grams of fiber per vigilance have their time andWe are also beginning to build a 1,000 calories lost more weight place. But if you've nothing to fearlist of GLBTI friendly than the people who consumed a but fear itself, take a leap of faithcongregations for our members fattier diet with only 7 grams of the next time you are presentedwho are looking for benevolent fiber per 1,000 calories. And each with an opportunity to experiencevenues in which to worship. group was allowed to eat as much something new. Ah yes, Floyd continues to work as they wanted.on the Kinship Calendar, which we Exercising regularly is anknow you will be saving your More and more research is important part of preservingpocket money in order to purchase. suggesting that depression can strength. However, in people overWe will develop ways for you to impact heart health. Now a recent 65, high blood levels ofaccess this very hot item without study in postmenopausal women antioxidant vitamins also werestanding in long lines. revealed that even a mild case of associated with musculoskeletal Bruce was kind enough to send the blues may increase the risk of strength. Get your fair share ofthe editors of this august newsletter developing heart disease down the antioxidant vitamin C with citrusa rough draft of the minutes. Many road. When you feel a blue mood fruits, bell peppers, andthanks. coming on, cut it short by strawberries. Most people need a spending time with good friends supplement to meet their or going for a brisk walk. antioxidant vitamin E needs. According to the latest sleep Research suggests that research, morning headaches may age-related macular degeneration, signal an underlying health an eye condition that can lead to condition requiring professional blindness, will grow more medical treatment. Some of the common in populations where the most common causes of morning average life span is increasing. headaches were depression, anxiety However, you can help safeguard disorder, insomnia, sleep-related your eyes against macular breathing disorders, high blood degeneration by wearing shades pressure, and musculoskeletal when in the sun. diseases. 13

Devotional:The Seven Gifts Of Eden In the beginning God created protected that gift. Sabbath Day and made it holy.the heavens and the earth. Now, Third: We were given dominion What an odd concept. God took athe earth was formless and empty. segment of time made up of hoursDarkness was over the surface of over the beasts of the earth. and made it a lesson book for allthe deep and the Spirit of God was Dominion is an interesting eternity. The Deity created ahovering over the waters. Genesis concept. We've used it to justify sanctuary to make sure that each1:1,2 conquests and abuse. We've used week we remembered the equality this word to define a use of power and sanctity of all created beings. Seventh Day Adventist beliefs that can make the subservient El Shaddai enveloped our taskare uniquely, Biblically, and tremble. I believe that we were filled week with momentssometimes startlingly focused on given dominion to understand specifically designed to revel inThe Garden. We trace the Great Heaven's vision of power and of relationship. They wanted to giveControversy from the one rule. We were to care for, to us a designated meeting place toforbidden tree. We consider our nourish, to protect, to be loving find joy in the horizontal anddietary standards based on the towards. Animals were given to us vertical conversations that are tooriginal diet. We talk about to let us have a small object lesson feed our soul as the vineyard andrelationships as they once were at of what it means to be in God's the honeycomb feeds our need forthat beginning time. We find the place. The way we treat animals, caloric intake. Like the forbiddensundown seventh day Sabbath with gives us a picture of how we can tree in the Garden, the day hasits roots in a time when the Lord imagine God treats and feels special significance only becauseGod planted a garden in the east, toward us. God bequeathed it so. The lessonin Eden, where He put the red is not in the place but in the trust.earthed ones (adama) that He had Fourth: We were given family. God asks us to trust Them enoughformed. Genesis 2. The red earth created ones met the to see with other eyes and to created beings whose home is believe that if Heaven tells us there Given that our foundations heaven. They learned of the created is a blessing, we might haveclaim to be laid in that foundation, ones who are stewards of other enough adventure to experimentI think it's important that we take a worlds. And they were given each and find it so.look at the gifts of Eden. other to be \"helpmeets\". In the ancient Hebrew, helpmeet means Seventh: All the gifts of Eden First: we have been given this \"power equal\". What a lesson it have extraordinary significance.tiny little blue planet to care for, to would be if we could love, But, there was only one gift givennurture, to learn the lessons of negotiate with, rule with, serve in this place for which the Creatorstewardship, to view from the small with \"power equals\". And what a was willing to die. As Godand large cameras of space and our lesson it would be if we could breathed into our nostrils theimaginations. This is our heritage learn what it means to have a sense breath of life and raised us upand our home. of family embrace entire galaxies living beings, we were given the of diversity and color. birthright of choice. Without that Second: We have been given gift there is no danger. Withoutplants: lofty trees, shrubs, blades of Fifth: We were given the that gift there is no death. Withoutgrass, orchids, walnuts, opportunity to know and come to that gift we are robots to bepersimmons, strawberries, understand the Deity. God controlled by some supernaturalamaranth flowers, thyme....to fill themselves came down to the power source. And with this gift ofour visual souls, olfactory glands, Garden to meet, to teach, to choice for us, Jesus made His ownand digestive tracts. In the original converse, to train, to love. We got history changing, structuremandate we were given the lesson to meet face to face with the Ones changing, universal changingthat even plants need not die for whose veil between the decision.our living. Nothing was given us compartments of heaven is thefor consumption that would be scarlet blue hues of the Orion Take good care of yourselves.destroyed in our taking. I wonder Nebula. You are invaluable.how different our world would beif we would learn that lesson and Sixth: And God blessed the14 May 2004

Question of the Month… Joyce sssst: I would like to find a Karen: I believe growing up place in the Adventist church Adventist has made me a betterLeif: The church's emphasis on thefine arts which includes music, of where I can use lesbian. I think my gifts. I think being closeted course. That's a being a lesbian for so long made core of our helped me in my me come out of being. Growing leadership roles the closet like a up in east Africa in the church. I rocket ship. Had 95% of the think the health I not had my students took message is a SDA piano lessons. huge gift. It helped me decide background, I believe I would How often who I would date. Being honest is have found myself in very would that a great gift. I used the SDA unhealthy situations for me. It ishappen in a non-Adventist college. criteria for dating to pick the what made me want to look forI've always appreciated the church women in my life. I read Messages another SDA for a partner. Havingfor their focus on the health to Young People as Mrs. White the same background and ideals ismessage. As a gay person it is also said we should cultivate friends such a blessing to our relationship.important for me to watch my who would make good spouses. I believe growing up in thehealth. As gay SDAs there is a very Almost everything I did was based 'system' also made it much easierstrong sense of family and of on my upbringing. I was always for me after finding Kinship.belonging. Being part of Kinship looking for someone to \"marry\". Finding there were others the samemakes that sense even deeper. as I that I actually knew and hadBeing part of the SDA family, Paolo: I wouldn't like to meet the gone to school with made it easierbeing gay, and being a world gay lifestyle in my culture. I would for me to feel accepted by God. Itraveler I meet people from where learned being a lesbian SDA wasI've grown up. If people are also not have liked to not on oxymoron.gay or lesbian, the bond is even see the drugsdeeper. and alcohol. Coretta Scott King (from When I went to AARP, The Magazine:Catherine: One of the first things Pathfinder May/June, 2004):that struck me about the Adventist meetings on Sunday morning \"When Martin was criticized church was its I would see for protesting the Vietnam War, belief in people coming in from the night he said, 'I've struggled too long focusing on the before. They made me realize how against segregated public entire human much I liked having a Sabbath accommodations to now end up being; on being with many things to do and then segregating my moral concerns.' whole. The on Sunday I could go to church He felt that peace and justice are Adventist belief again to be with my friends. The indivisible. I often think about system focus is people I saw looked sick from that. I don't believe you canon psychological, spiritual, drunkenness. If I had been used to support the rights of all people,physical health. I think being drinking and drugging it would then just choose the ones thatlesbian is also about being whole. have been easier to keep on when I you don't support. And I don'tI learned from Adventism to follow came out. Another gift of being see how you can separate humantruth; no matter what others told both gay and Adventist is my rights and the rights of all peopleme or thought of me. That is also a understanding that God is leading no matter what their sexuallesson that has been invaluable as I my life. That is very very clear to orientation is. They have thehave lived my life more and more me. same rights as I. That's the wayhonestly and openly. Ellen White I feel--we're all God's children.\"said we should memorize and liveby Isaiah 58. We as LBGTI peopleneed to also live by those ratherincredible principles.Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. –Paul Boese 15

16 May 2004