["Listen Up! How To Be Appropriately Assertive | 47 Don\u2019t care at all Worry about it half the time Always concerned about this 12 4567 3 89 10 Figure 1 How much do you worry about the judgments and assessments of others? We should be sensitive leaders. Maybe you think \u201cIt\u2019s too bad there are so many ob- noxious, abrasive, bullying people in the world.\u201d And you would not be alone. In fact, in the 1940s\u201350s, there was a whole stream of management theory called human relations movement that tried to get business students to become more socially sensitive. Our conclusion is that there are all kinds of people in the world and some of them are very aggressive, even criminally so. In a recent executive seminar with 65 participants, one of the authors asked how many people in the room had worked for people who yelled and screamed and pounded on the table. Almost every hand went up. One participant relayed how shocked he was to be yelled at in a meeting, during his \ufb01rst month of employment at a major company. Whatever your personal beliefs may be about the value or dysfunction of yelling and screaming in business settings, there are a lot of people out there who do it. They are not going to go away soon, so you might as well learn how to deal with them. It will make your life a whole lot easier. Self-Assessment Given the descriptions above and using the chart in Figure 1, what do you think your typical behavior is? Mark on the chart where you think you would place your own typi- cal behavior in professional settings. What about in class? In meetings? During sales calls? During \u201cnormal\u201d conversations? On the table in Figure 1, circle the description that most closely matches your behavior on each row. Having outlined the various pro\ufb01les that appear along the continuum in Figure 1 and some of the behavioral issues related to them, let\u2019s turn to dealing with them, \ufb01rst in our- selves and then in the behavior of others. As you re\ufb02ect on the opening vignettes, Table 2, and your own tendencies along this continuum, perhaps you would like to become more assertive\u2014or maybe you would like to learn to keep in check your natural tendency to over- whelm others in order to build better long-term relationships. Whatever your personal goals might be in the realm of assertiveness, perhaps you will \ufb01nd the concepts and suggestions below helpful in managing your emotions in your professional and personal relationships. Further, we invite you to mark the continuum in Figure 1 where you think your concern about the judgments of others lies. With some de\ufb01nitions of the various positions on the assertiveness continuum and a little bit of self-re\ufb02ection about your typical position on it, we now turn to ways of managing the various types we have discussed, focusing mostly on the two tails of the distribution\u2014the bullies and the doormats.","48 | Interpersonal Communication Competence WD A ,O , AP There are many techniques that one can use to deal with overly aggressive people. In extremes cases (like physical abuse or criminal activity) these may not work, but for those working in the normal world of daily professional business, these tips should help you manage your own emotions and your behavior when you encounter an abrasive or overly aggressive individual. First, we\u2019ll suggest some things you can try inside before you do anything. Then, we will suggest some things that you can do in your relationships with those people. Within Yourself The natural tendency when another person is behaving aggressively toward you is to slip into the \ufb01ght-or-\ufb02ight response and let your adrenaline-fueled emotions take over. If you get emotionally hijacked by the other person\u2019s behavior, the odds are that the situation is going to get worse.18 So, the \ufb01rst advice is often the most di\ufb03cult\u2014remain calm. Remind yourself that this will pass and that everything this person is saying is not necessarily true. And try to stay calm and alert. Take three deep breaths. This may seem odd to you, but the data are clear\u2014especially in the martial arts\u2014that when you manage your own relaxation response by breathing deeply instead of slipping into the \ufb01ght-or-\ufb02ight response, you can physiologically calm yourself. And you will make better behavioral decisions when you remain calm than when you are excited. No, really! Take three deep breaths. If your \ufb01ght-or-\ufb02ight response kicks in and you get emotionally hijacked, the odds are that you will not listen. This is a naturally evolved result. We can imagine that listening is not what we should have done in prehistoric times when a saber-toothed tiger was hissing at us. But in today\u2019s world, the instinctive \ufb01ght back reaction can often make things worse. The second thing you can do is try really hard to listen. What is the person trying to say? Can you see beyond the behavior to the underlying message? The third thing you can do is ask yourself, \u201cWhy is this person so upset? What does he or she want?\u201d If you can answer that question\u2014what they want\u2014you are well positioned to become an ally instead of an adversary. If you can ask them that straight out, it often defuses the anger and blustering. If you can o\ufb00er to help them get what they want, it further takes the wind out of their sales. So, for example, \u201cExcuse me, Bob, what do you want here?\u201d may help reduce his emotionality and get down to the core issue at hand. Remind yourself that no one on earth can destroy your emotional life unless you let them. This person who is shouting at you is only one of 6.5 billion people out there. Why do you allow this one person to have such in\ufb02uence over you? Why should their opinion of you matter more than your own? Maybe you say, \u201cWell, he\u2019s my boss and he controls my future.\u201d He may well be your boss, but he does not control your future. You can always get another job in another company. You can quit. You can move. You can walk out. You 18 Goleman, 13\u201329.","Listen Up! How To Be Appropriately Assertive | 49 are free to build your life the way you want to. A variation on this concept is what made the Japanese samurai such fearsome warriors\u2014they gave up their lives when they swore their fealty, so any threat to them was something they had already worked through (some better than others, of course). Even in a marriage\u2014in fact, especially in a marriage\u2014you do not have to tolerate abusive behavior. If, in your mind, your own judgment of you is more important than the other person\u2019s is, you will be able to discard whatever they have to say about you when you want. This, you may say, is easier said than done. Granted. However, it goes back to our discussion of \u201cfear being the source of passivity.\u201d If you do not fear others\u2019 judgment of you, you will be able to listen to them and not become either enraged or destroyed by their comments. In Relationship with Others There are many ways to respond to people who exhibit overly aggressive behavior. This outline includes some of the most common ones. Eye contact. Maintain eye contact with the person. Eye contact is a sign of assertiveness. There are many cultures where people of lower rank or status are expected to look away. You can decide whether to perpetuate these memes of behavior. If you look away or down while a person is berating you, you are sending a signal that you agree with their aggression. Now, looking a mugger with a gun in the eye may not be the best thing\u2014unless you have a trump card. Nevertheless, in a professional setting, you can demonstrate quietly that you are listening without being either aggressive or overly passive (looking away). Ask them what they want. This discombobulates many aggressive bullies. They are rant- ing because they expect a \ufb01ght. If you use the aikido technique of giving them what they want, you can disarm them quickly.19 Ask what they want and then, authentically without promising more than you can, o\ufb00er to help make that happen. If they are yelling at you because you made a mistake\u2014however minor, like a typo on a report\u2014you can ask them what they want, and if they say, \u201cerror-free reports,\u201d you can promise to make that happen. It will mean that you will have to change your behavior, though, to ensure that they get what they want. If they want something you cannot or do not want to give, then you should be willing to walk. If not, you will slip into a passive-aggressive mode, where your behavior will become a drag on the company and the department and you will become progressively unhappy and a pox to others. Remember, the odds of you changing their behavior at the moment is pretty low. Some people will resist this approach because they think it is weak. But listening and asking what a person wants does not have to be weak. The aikidoist who can stand stably wherever he wants is not weak by any means, but he does not attack\u2014it is a defensive 19 Aikido is a Japanese defensive martial art designed, like judo or jiujitsu, to utilize the strength of the attacker to throw him and remain unhurt and unmoved. This requires skill at sensing the attack, merging with it, and then rechanneling it in a di\ufb00erent direction to take the person o\ufb00 balance. This works very well in verbal ex- changes as well. See Jon Doner and Jim Clawson, \u201cTeaching Leadership through Aikido,\u201d Journal of Management Education (May 1996).","50 | Interpersonal Communication Competence martial art. He simply does not let the energy of the other move him. You can do that in the social-emotional world if you have con\ufb01dence in your own opinion of yourself. Ask for feedback. Asking for feedback is another way of asking what someone wants. This suggests an openness to learn about yourself, and it models that for them. It also implies a level of maturity that may soften the anger of the other person.20 Pick your battles. Learning to pick your battles is part of e\ufb00ective assertiveness. Disagreeing with absolutely everything only makes you a pain. A thoughtful di\ufb00erence of opinion suggests respect and opens the door to learning. There may be times when you believe that what the other person is doing is both destructive to you, to them, and to the company. In that case, you have a responsibility\u2014if you choose\u2014to tell them so. Shouting it out probably will not get it heard. If you wait, and wait, and wait, until the other person is exhausted by his or her own anger, you will have a better chance of being heard. This was the famous strategy that Muhammad Ali used to defeat George Foreman in Zaire, the \u201cRope a Dope\u201d strategy. Just let them exhaust themselves with their anger, and then make your observation. Fighting back just adds fuel to the \ufb01re. One of the \ufb01rst principles of aikido, for example, is to relax. When you tense up when some one attacks you, it adds energy to their attack. When you relax, they instinctively relax too\u2014and become more vulnerable at that moment\u2014and less aggressive. So let\u2019s return to our opening vignette, when a man\u2019s boss yells at him about his e-mail as he enters the room. How would you respond to that now? FT T: DB All aggressive behavior is not yelling and shouting. Some aggressors, the bulldogs, just lock onto something and do not let go. Telemarketers are trained to behave this way. Sales people are trained to behave this way. They ask you an innocuous question like, \u201cHow are you this evening?\u201d to get a positive response and then they just keep on coming, pressing for that positive response. Children often behave like this: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? It is a common sales technique: get the person to agree to something early, then put an \u201cIF\u201d question out there that encourages them to be open to the \u201ccloser\u201d later on: \u201cIf we could save you money on your car insurance, would you like to know more?\u201d If you answer yes at that point, the sales person is halfway home. Fogging. In this situation, the aikido response, again, can be very e\ufb00ective. Some refer to this as fogging.21, 22 Fogging is repeating what you want without deviation. So in response to the persistent telemarketer, you might say, \u201cThanks for calling, but I do not want any.\u201d Could you say that \ufb01ve times in a row? Ten times in a row. Try it right now. (Practice makes perfect in many things, martial arts and in fogging!) 20 Cava, 39. 21 Smith, 74\u201375. 22 Smith, 323.","Listen Up! How To Be Appropriately Assertive | 51 \u201cThanks for calling. I do not want any.\u201d (repeat ten times) That was not so hard, was it? You could just hang up the phone and many people do. If your sensitivities require you to be more polite (despite their impoliteness), could you fog them for two or three minutes? If you can, odds are you will get what you want. To be ef- fective with this approach, however, you must be very clear about what it is that you want. Fogging can work in a number of situations, not just telemarketing response. If you have a request and the people you are dealing with will not hear you, you can use fogging to convey the seriousness of your intent. \u201cI need to have a company car.\u201d\u2014\u201cI am sorry, we do not do that here.\u201d \u201cI really need a company car.\u201d\u2014\u201cNew sales reps do not get company cars.\u201d \u201cI am working very hard and traveling a lot and I need a company car.\u201d\u2014\u201cPerhaps you did not hear me, we do not get company cars.\u201d \u201cI cannot do my job properly unless I get a company car.\u201d\u2014\u201cCars are expensive.\u201d \u201cI could make so much more in revenues if I had a company car.\u201d\u2014\u201cMaybe we could \ufb01nd a cheaper car.\u201d \u201cI really need some kind of company car.\u201d\u2014\u201cWould a Chevy be okay?\u201d Now, obviously, there are times when fogging makes things worse\u2014in fact, no technique is ever guaranteed to work all the time. Fogging can be a great way, however, of diminishing your emotional concerns and keeping the focus on your goal\/desire\/wish for the situation at hand. It is a good tool to have in your tool kit. Compromising. Winston Churchill said that compromise was like throwing everything you have to the alligators \ufb01rst so they would eat you last. While there may be some truth to this, in the business world, compromise, tit-for-tat, is usually the core of making deals. Compromise, doing deals\u2014or more formally, \u201csocial exchange theory\u201d\u2014is what makes the world go around. E\ufb00ective negotiations hinge on the ability to know what you want and what it is worth to you, and then to have skill in interacting in a way to meet your partner\/opponent in the middle somewhere. Caving in is not compromise, neither is steam rolling. Compromise is the key component of assertive behavior, since there are many situations in which others will have better methods, ideas, or suggestions that would work to enhance your own. Part of getting what you want will be recognizing how to incorporate others\u2019 needs and accepting that you are not always going to get your own way.23 Fighting \ufb01re with \ufb01re. One of the most common ways of dealing with aggressive behavior is responding in kind\u2014in other words, retaliation. You could shout back. You could curse back. You could pound the table and scream. It is a choice you make. If you have a high emotional intelligence, you will make that choice consciously instead of emotionally. In our view, shouting matches often accomplish little. When two people in child mode or in teen 23 Roberta Cava, Di\ufb03cult People: How to Deal with Impossible Clients, Bosses and Employees, (Bu\ufb00alo: Fire\ufb02y Books, 1990): 21\u201322.","52 | Interpersonal Communication Competence mode begin shouting at each other, they often say things they later regret, and that may make the relationship irreparable. Much better, we think, is for you\u2014regardless of what the other is doing\u2014to be in adult mode and to maintain control of your emotions. If you can remain calm and choose your behavior, you are more likely to pick an approach that will help improve the situation rather than worsen it. \u201cYou cannot treat me that way!\u201d The phrase \u201cYou cannot treat me that way!\u201d is an inter- esting way to confront bullying behavior in that, while it confronts the bully, it is not really based in fact. The truth is, people can treat others any way they want to. So while this is a common suggestion of many assertiveness training programs, we do not recommend it. Rather we suggest taking the direct, but nonaggressive approach of trying to be accurate and assertive at the same time. That would be something like, \u201cIf you continue to treat me like that, I will take administrative action.\u201d If the other says, \u201cAre you threatening me?\u201d we would respond, \u201cNo, I am stating a natural consequence of your behavior. If you treat me like a mature adult, I will treat you like one. It is an exchange. If you continue to bully me, I will seek other avenues of redress.\u201d You can say this with an even voice, maintaining eye contact, and with both feet on the ground and your weight balanced. Refocusing on the facts. Aggressive people often exaggerate the facts. If you hear them stretching reality to make their points, you can encourage them to come back to an even keel by refocusing them on the facts. If they make questionable assertions, ask them for speci\ufb01c examples. Of course, the use of this tactic assumes some awareness of the emo- tional state of the other. If the person is totally hijacked by their anger, restating the facts or asking too many questions may only add fuel to the \ufb01re. WD D In Yourself If you would like to be more assertive than you normally are, there are a number of things you can do. The most fundamental of those is to revisit the underlying, perhaps semi- conscious, assumption that your views, opinions, and perspectives are less valuable than those of others. This may be a di\ufb03cult transition to make, however, if for whatever reason (including an overly strict upbringing, a chemical imbalance, or traumatic experiences) you feel that you are not worthy. If you do not deal with this at some point in your life, it will continue to haunt you. Realizing and realizing (in a lasting, transcending way that you matter to you and to those around you) may require therapy, perhaps even years of it. Or with the support of good friends, good books, good experiences, and coaching, you may come to see on your own that the opinions of others do not have to rule your emotional and professional life. If you can make this transition, the behaviors of con\ufb01dence will follow naturally. If not, you will have to deal with the concerns you carry now about the judgments of others. Having con\ufb01dence in yourself, respecting yourself, and showing that you respect","Listen Up! How To Be Appropriately Assertive | 53 and believe in others is the basis for assertive behavior.24 Look at your accomplishments. Most of us had goals we wanted to reach and did not. Instead of focusing on what you may refer to as failures, take pride in yourself, and what you have been able to do thus far in life. While you are working on your core self-con\ufb01dence, there are some things you can do on the margin to enhance your perceived assertiveness\u2014and perhaps in a re\ufb02exive way, strengthen your self-esteem. Here are some behavioral tips you can practice to enhance your assertiveness. \u2022 First, mind your body language. Stand up straight. Keep your shoulders back. Breathe deeply and frequently. Keep both feet on the ground balanced at shoulder width. Your posture will a\ufb00ect your emotions\u2014and the perception that others have of you. You can learn to stand in an assertive way. Stand tall, relaxed, and keep eye contact with those whom you are addressing.25, 26 \u2022 Be prepared with what you want to say. Do your homework. Make sure what your point is before you begin to open your mouth. Not being prepared or not doing the necessary legwork to be able to know what you are talking about also takes away from your ability to be more assertive. Beware of those who assume they know more than you\u2014practice due diligence, reading the material, thinking about the topic gives you the information to realize when someone else is talking on empty. \u2022 Look at the person you are speaking with directly in the eye. Talk to them, not to the sky, the \ufb02oor, or the ceiling. \u2022 Do not discount yourself when you speak. Just speak out with your view\/analysis\/ opinion without apology and see what others say. You may surprise yourself with how well your views were received. \u2022 Speak loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear. Look at the person most distant from you in the room and speak to her, using your diaphragm to project your voice to that person. Do not use the excuse, \u201cI just have a soft voice.\u201d Develop it. \u2022 Speak clearly and not too fast. Learn to pace your speech so that others can under- stand what you are saying. Enunciate clearly. Practice in the shower or in the car or wherever, so that you develop con\ufb01dence over time in your capacity to articulate your thoughts. \u2022 Do not disguise your statements as questions. It is a technique many people use for avoiding the judgments of others. Do you agree? (\u263a See? It is our opinion, not yours!) If you have an opinion, do not paint others into an intellectual corner by disguising your views as questions. Disguising our opinions as questions instead of coming out and stating them undermines our own ability to persuade. \u2022 Use a solid, con\ufb01dent tone of voice. A high chirpy voice will undermine your content. Yes, I know we all have di\ufb00erent voices. And you can practice speaking in a deeper, more con\ufb01dent tone. I know as a person who stuttered badly in high school that you 24 Smith, 22. 25 Executive Female 17 (March-April 1994): 13. 26 Michael Gelb, Body Learning: An Introduction to the Alexander Technique, 2nd edition (New York: Henry Holt & Company, Inc.,1996).","54 | Interpersonal Communication Competence can learn to speak well in front of others by practicing. State your opinions that you believe to be true with a con\ufb01dent tone of voice\u2014your voice is valid. If someone puts you down at a meeting or during a discussion, address the issue immediately.27 You could start with something like, \u201cExcuse me, I must not have made myself clear.\u201d \u2022 Never assume that your position or status removes your right to speak. Although we need to be respectful of others, you should avoid placing their judgment higher than your own unless they have proven to have an expertise you do not have. \u2022 Habitually agreeing with others removes your e\ufb00ectiveness at being more assertive. Most of us do not like con\ufb02ict, but it is only through disagreement that all sides of the topic can be discussed and compromises can be made. Be willing to disagree in an agreeable way or to be disagreed with in conversation. Having someone disagree with you, even criticize or mock your point, is not the end of the world. In Others There are many things you can do to deal with passivity in others. We hope these sugges- tions will help you help others to blossom and \ufb02ourish in their professional relationships. \u2022 When you realize that you have been doing a lot of the talking, look around, \ufb01nd a quiet person, and invite them to share their opinions on the topic at hand. \u201cExcuse me, John, what do you think about all of this?\u201d \u2022 In meetings, make sure that all the participants have had a chance to talk. Do not assume that silence means agreement. A good technique is the talking-stick approach\u2014go around the room letting each person express his or her views on the topic. If you do this twice, you are likely to be certain that everyone\u2019s views are out and that you will be able to incorporate them into the group\u2019s conclusions. \u2022 Hang back on occasion to see how the discussion goes when you are not leading it. You may be surprised to discover that the quieter ones can do quite well without your guidance. \u2022 Find time after meetings to approach quiet people and discuss with them how much you would like to hear their opinions in the meetings. Your encouragement in private can be the stimulus to a public breakthrough. The key point here is that everyone has something to o\ufb00er\u2014and if you are a naturally assertive person, you may be missing the contributions that the more quiet people could be making. Do not let your own level of con\ufb01dence dampen the creativity and productivity of the group for the sake of your own comfort level. PB You may have an either overly aggressive or overly passive boss. In this bottoms-up situ- ation\u2014managing your boss\u2014there are certain ground rules you might consider. First and 27 Executive Female 17 (March-April 1994): 12.","Listen Up! How To Be Appropriately Assertive | 55 foremost, you should try to be assertive and avoid aggression. After all, you are trying to develop and maintain a working relationship. Work on understanding your boss\u2019s preferred communication style and the channels he or she would rather use.28 Make sure you \ufb01rst try to understand rather than try to convince him or change his mind. If you slip into the lat- ter\u2014and we do this easily\u2014(\u201cHe is wrong, why won\u2019t he see that?\u201d), you risk being seen as an adversary rather than an ally.29 That does not mean that you have to give up being assertive with your boss. In strong companies, good bosses expect good subordinates to be asser- tive with them to help bring important issues to the forefront. Journalist Paul O\u2019Donnell, in \u201cStop Being a Wimp,\u201d suggests making a list of changes you would like to see occur that relate to practical business\u2014not likeability.30 Arrange to talk to your boss in private and keep it private. Make eye contact and use language like concerns instead of complaints, and always be prepared with a suggested solution rather than dumping more concerns on your boss\u2019s desk. Finally, understand that when you use an assertive approach with your boss, the risks are substantial. Make sure you leave yourself the opportunity to step down or out.31 When dealing with both direct reports and supervisors, working out mutual compromises exhibits a mature understanding of applying assertive behavior appropriately (Exhibit 1). 28 John Kotter and John Gabarro, \u201cManaging Your Boss,\u201d Harvard Business Review (May 1993); HBR: 93306. 29 Allan Cohen and David Bradford, In\ufb02uence without Authority, (New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1991) 30 Paul O\u2019Donnell, \u201cStop Being a Wimp!\u201d Jungle (September 2003): 56. 31 O\u2019Donnell, 56.","56 | Interpersonal Communication Competence C Assertiveness is about getting things done that you believe need to be done. It is an es- sential feature of leadership. Leaders are assertive. Aggressive behavior often covers up an underlying insecurity or fear\u2014and aggressive behavior is often not e\ufb00ective in the long run. You can make people do what you want to do\u2014maybe, in the short run by shouting and screaming\u2014but what will happen when you turn your back and walk out the door? Your passive subordinates may actually be passive-aggressive\u2014so that things will get worse rather than better. By the same token, passivity will undermine a potential leader\u2019s attempts to in\ufb02uence others. Learning to be appropriately assertive is an essential leadership building block. You can practice appropriate assertiveness every day, in almost every situation. It is an art. Are you too aggressive or too passive? Are you able to balance your assertions with your response to the assertions of others in a productive way? Paying attention to the assertive- ness continuum and where you are on it at any given moment will help you develop habits of appropriate assertiveness. And when appropriate assertiveness becomes habitual, you are well on your way to becoming an e\ufb00ective leader in the world of practical a\ufb00airs. EXHIBIT 1 LISTEN UP! HOW TO BE APPROPRIATELY ASSERTIVE The Difference between Aggression, Assertiveness, and Passivity A\u010c\u010c\u0117\u010a\u0118\u0118\u010e\u011b\u010a A\u0118\u0118\u010a\u0117\u0119\u010e\u011b\u010a P\u0106\u0118\u0118\u010e\u011b\u010a Never believe you are wrong Defend your rights when necessary Reluctant to defend yourself State your opinions as fact State your opinions con\ufb01dently Don\u2019t reveal your opinions Trust only yourself Have trust in yourself Unsure of yourself Raise your voice to make your Repeat your message to make it Ask others what they think of your message Compromise on message clear clear everything you are asked to Never compromise Believe in compromise Avoid saying anything critical O\ufb00er constructive criticism, in Be critical of others private sphere if appropriate Sacri\ufb01ce your own needs Realistic concern for yourself and Satisfy only your own needs also for those around you Unresponsive Express displeasure without being Insecure Display temper tantrums emotional Avoid eye contact when talking Arrogant Con\ufb01dent Stare down others when talking Look people in the eyes when talking Take responsibility for others\u2019 Take responsibility for your own mistakes Blame others for mistakes mistakes Believe others are better judges of you Harshly judge others Are your own judge You make others happy ahead of yourself Others must make you happy You make your own happiness If others don\u2019t like your answer you Always have an answer If you don\u2019t have an answer you are readily change it willing to say you don\u2019t know","THE POWER OF TOUCH By Rick Chillot Y ou\u2019re in a crowded subway car on a Tuesday morning, or perhaps on a city bus. Still-sleepy commuters, lulled by vibrations, remain hushed, yet silently broadcast their thoughts. A toddler in his stroller looks warily at his fellow passengers, brows stitched with concern. He turns to Mom for reassurance, reaching out a small hand. She quietly takes it, squeezes, and releases. He relaxes, smiles, turns away\u2014then back to Mom. She takes his hand again: squeeze and release. A twenty-something in a skirt and blazer sits sti\ufb04y, a leather-bound portfolio on her lap. She repeatedly pushes a few blonde wisps o\ufb00 her face, then touches her neck, her subconscious movements both revealing and relieving her anxiety about her 9 a.m. interview. A couple propped against a pole shares messages of a\ufb00ection; she rubs his arms with her hands, he nuzzles his face in her hair. A middle-aged woman, squished into a corner, assuredly bumps the young man beside her with some elbow and hip. The message is clear; he instantly adjusts to make room. Probing our ability to communicate nonverbally is hardly a new psychological tack; researchers have long documented the complex emotions and desires that our posture, motions, and expressions reveal. Yet until recently, the idea that people can impart and interpret emotional content via another nonverbal modality\u2014touch\u2014 seemed i\ufb00y, even to researchers, such as DePauw University psychologist Matthew Hertenstein, who study it. In 2009, he demonstrated that we have an innate ability to decode emotions via touch alone. In a series of studies, Hertenstein had volun- teers attempt to communicate a list of emotions to a blindfolded stranger solely through touch. Many participants were apprehensive about the experiment. \u201cThis is a touch-phobic society,\u201d he says. \u201cWe\u2019re not used to touching strangers, or even our friends, necessarily.\u201d 57","58 | Interpersonal Communication Competence But touch they did\u2014it was, after all, for science. The results suggest that for all our caution about touching, we come equipped with an ability to send and receive emotional signals solely by doing so. Participants communicated eight distinct emotions\u2014anger, fear, disgust, love, gratitude, sympathy, happiness, and sadness\u2014with accuracy rates as high as 78 percent. \u201cI was surprised,\u201d Hertenstein admits. \u201cI thought the accuracy would be at chance level,\u201d about 25 percent. Previous studies by Hertenstein and others have produced similar \ufb01ndings abroad, in- cluding in Spain (where people were better at communicating via touch than in America) and the U.K. Research has also been conducted in Pakistan and Turkey. \u201cEverywhere we\u2019ve studied this, people seem able to do it,\u201d he says. Indeed, we appear to be wired to interpret the touch of our fellow humans. A study providing evidence of this ability was published in 2012 by a team who used fMRI scans to measure brain activation in people being touched. The subjects, all heterosexual males, were shown a video of a man or a woman who was purportedly touching them on the leg. Unsurprisingly, subjects rated the experience of male touch as less pleasant. Brain scans revealed that a part of the brain called the primary somatosensory cortex responded more sharply to a woman\u2019s touch than to a man\u2019s. But here\u2019s the twist: The videos were fake. It was always a woman touching the subjects. The results were startling, because the primary somatosensory cortex had been thought to encode only basic qualities of touch, such as smoothness or pressure. That its activity varied depending on whom subjects believed was touching them suggests that the emo- tional and social components of touch are all but inseparable from physical sensations. \u201cWhen you\u2019re being touched by another person, your brain isn\u2019t set up to give you the objective qualities of that touch,\u201d says study coauthor Michael Spezio, a psychologist at Scripps College. \u201cThe entire experience is a\ufb00ected by your social evaluation of the person touching you.\u201d If touch is a language, it seems we instinctively know how to use it. But apparently it\u2019s a skill we take for granted. When asked about it, the subjects in Hertenstein\u2019s studies consistently underestimated their ability to communicate via touch\u2014even while their ac- tions suggested that touch may in fact be more versatile than voice, facial expression, and other modalities for expressing emotion. \u201cWith the face and voice, in general we can identify just one or two positive signals that are not confused with each other,\u201d says Hertenstein. For example, joy is the only positive emotion that has been reliably decoded in studies of the face. Meanwhile, his research shows that touch can communicate multiple positive emotions: joy, love, gratitude, and sympathy. Scientists used to believe touching was simply a means of enhancing messages signaled through speech or body language, \u201cbut it seems instead that touch is a much more nuanced, sophisticated, and precise way to communicate emotions,\u201d Hertenstein says. It may also increase the speed of communication: \u201cIf you\u2019re close enough to touch, it\u2019s often the easiest way to signal something,\u201d says Laura Guerrero, coauthor of Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships, who researches nonverbal and emotional communication at Arizona State University. This immediacy is particularly noteworthy when it comes to bonding. \u201cWe feel more connected to someone if they touch us,\u201d Guerrero notes.","The Power of Touch | 59 There\u2019s no phrase book to translate the language of touch; if anything, experts have barely begun documenting its grammar and vocabulary. \u201cWe found that there are many di\ufb00erent ways to indicate a given emotion through touch,\u201d Hertenstein notes. What\u2019s more, how a touch gets interpreted is very context dependent. \u201cWhether we\u2019re at the doctor\u2019s o\ufb03ce or in a nightclub plays a huge role in how the brain responds to the same type of contact,\u201d Spezio explains. Still, examining some of the notable ways that we communicate and bond through touch (and how we develop the capacity to do so) reveals the versatility of this tool and suggests ways to make better use of it. There\u2019s much to be gained from embracing our tactile sense\u2014in particular, more positive interactions and a deeper sense of connection with others. L LT We begin receiving tactile signals even before birth, as the vibration of our mother\u2019s heartbeat is ampli\ufb01ed by amniotic \ufb02uid. No wonder then that touch plays a critical role in parent-child relationships from the start: \u201cIt\u2019s an essential channel of communication with caregivers for a child,\u201d says San Diego State University School of Communication emeritus professor Peter Andersen, author of Nonverbal Communication: Forms and Functions. A mother\u2019s touch enhances attachment between mother and child; it can signify secu- rity (\u201cYou\u2019re safe; I\u2019m here\u201d) and, depending on the type of touch, it can generate positive or negative emotions. (Playing pat-a-cake makes infants happy, while a sudden squeeze from Mom often signals a warning not to interact with a new object). Mom\u2019s touch even seems to mitigate pain when infants are given a blood test. University of Miami School of Medicine\u2019s Ti\ufb00any Field, director of the Touch Research Institute, has linked touch, in the form of massage, to a slew of bene\ufb01ts, including better sleep, reduced irritability, and increased sociability among infants\u2014as well as improved growth of preemies. We\u2019re never touched as much as when we\u2019re children, which is when our comfort level with physical contact, and with physical closeness in general (what scientists call prox- emics), develops. \u201cThe fact that there\u2019s a lot of cultural variation in comfort with touch suggests it\u2019s predominantly learned,\u201d Andersen says. Warm climates tend to produce cultures that are more liberal about touching than colder regions (think Greeks versus Germans, or Southern hospitality versus New England stoicism). There are a number of hypotheses as to why, including the fact that a higher ambient temperature increases the availability of skin (\u201cIt pays to touch somebody if there\u2019s skin showing or they\u2019re wearing light clothing through which they can feel the touch,\u201d Andersen says); the e\ufb00ect of sunlight on mood (\u201cIt increases a\ufb03liativeness and libidinousness\u2014lack of sunlight can make us depressed, with fewer interactions\u201d); and migratory patterns (\u201cOur ancestors tended to migrate to the same climate zone they came from. The upper Midwest is heavily German and Scandinavian, while Spaniards and Italians went to Mexico and Brazil. That in\ufb02uences the brand of touch\u201d). What goes on in your home also plays a role. Andersen notes that atheists and agnostics touch more than religious types, \u201cprobably because religions often teach that some kinds","60 | Interpersonal Communication Competence of touch are inappropriate or sinful.\u201d Tolerance for touch isn\u2019t set in stone, however. Spend time in a di\ufb00erent culture, or even with touchy-feely friends, and your attitude toward touch can change. By the time we\u2019re adults, most of us have learned that touching tends to raise the stakes, particularly when it comes to a sense of connectivity. Even \ufb02eeting contact with a stranger can have a measurable e\ufb00ect, both fostering and enhancing cooperation. In research done back in 1976, clerks at a university library returned library cards to students either with or without brie\ufb02y touching the student\u2019s hand. Student interviews revealed that those who\u2019d been touched evaluated the clerk and the library more favorably. The e\ufb00ect held even when students hadn\u2019t noticed the touch. More recent studies have found that seemingly insigni\ufb01cant touches yield bigger tips for waitresses, that people shop and buy more if they\u2019re touched by a store greeter, and that strangers are more likely to help someone if a touch accompanies the request. Call it the human touch, a brief reminder that we are, at our core, social animals. \u201cLots of times in these studies people don\u2019t even remember being touched. They just feel there\u2019s a connection, they feel that they like that person more,\u201d Guerrero says. Just how strong is touch\u2019s bonding bene\ufb01t? To \ufb01nd out, a team led by University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign psychologist Michael Kraus tracked physical contact between teammates during NBA games (consider all those chest bumps, high \ufb01ves, and backslaps). The study revealed that the more on-court touching there was early in the season, the more successful teams and individuals were by season\u2019s end. The e\ufb00ect of touch was independent of salary or performance, eliminating the possibility that players touch more if they\u2019re more skilled or better compensated. \u201cWe were very surprised. Touch predicted performance across all the NBA teams,\u201d says Kraus. \u201cBasketball players sometimes don\u2019t have time to say an encouraging word to a teammate; instead, they developed this incredible repertoire of touch to communicate quickly and accurately,\u201d he explains, adding that touch can likely improve performance across any cooperative context. As with our primate relatives, who strengthen social bonds by grooming each other, in humans, \u201ctouch strengthens relationships and is a marker of closeness,\u201d he says. \u201cIt increases cooperation but is also an indicator of how strong bonds are between people.\u201d If a post-rebound slap on the back or the brush of a hand while delivering a bill can help us all get along a bit better, it may be because \u201cwhen you stimulate the pressure recep- tors in the skin, you lower stress hormones,\u201d says the Touch Research Institute\u2019s Field. At the same time, warm touch stimulates release of the \u201ccuddle hormone,\u201d oxytocin, which enhances a sense of trust and attachment. The release also helps explain our propensity for self-caressing, which we do hundreds of times each day as a calming mechanism. \u201cWe do a lot of self-touching: \ufb02ipping our hair, hugging ourselves,\u201d Field notes. Other common behaviors include massaging our foreheads, rubbing our hands, or stroking our necks. Evidence supports the idea that it\u2019s e\ufb00ective: Self-massage has been shown to slow the heart rate and lower the level of the stress hormone cortisol.","The Power of Touch | 61 AT L Every evening at bedtime, DePauw\u2019s Hertenstein gives his young son a back rub. \u201cIt\u2019s a bonding opportunity for the two of us. Oxytocin levels go up, heart rates go down, all these wonderful things that you can\u2019t see.\u201d Moments like these also reveal the reciprocal nature of touch, he says: \u201cYou can\u2019t touch without being touched. A lot of those same bene\ufb01cial physiological consequences happen to me, the person doing the touching.\u201d In fact, when we\u2019re the ones initiating contact, we may reap all the same bene\ufb01ts as those we\u2019re touching. For example, Field\u2019s research has revealed that a person giving a mas- sage experiences as great a reduction in stress hormones as the person on the receiving end. \u201cStudies have shown that a person giving a hug gets just as much bene\ufb01t as a person being hugged,\u201d she adds. Moreover, touching another person isn\u2019t just a one-way street when it comes to signaling; aside from sending them a message, it reveals a great of deal information about their state of mind, Hertenstein notes. Are they open to touch or do they pull away? Are they relaxed or tense? Are they warm\u2014or perhaps cold and clammy? \u201cSometimes I\u2019ll touch my wife and can tell instantly\u2014even if my eyes are closed\u2014that she\u2019s stressed,\u201d he says. \u201cYou can sense that through muscle tightness and contraction, and this kind of information can guide our behavior with that person\u2014it in\ufb02uences what we think, how we perceive what they say.\u201d Perhaps because touch a\ufb00ects both the person being touched and the one doing the touching, it is one of the most fundamental ways of fostering and communicating intimacy in a romantic relationship. One paper proposed a sequence of 12 behaviors of increasing intimacy that couples generally follow: After the \ufb01rst three (eye-to-body contact, eye-to-eye contact, and speaking), the remain- ing nine involve touching (starting with holding hands, then kissing, and eventually sexual intimacy). \u201cTouch functions a bit di\ufb00erently depending on the stage of the relationship,\u201d says Guerrero. \u201cIn the beginning, it\u2019s kind of exploratory. Will the other person reciprocate if I touch?\u201d As the relationship progresses, touching begins to spike. \u201cYou see lots of public touch,\u201d she notes, \u201cpeople holding hands the whole time they\u2019re together or with their arms around each other\u2019s shoulders. It signals they\u2019re intensifying the relationship.\u201d But it would be a mistake to think that the amount of touching couples do continues to follow an escalating trajectory. Research involving observation of couples in public and analysis of their self-reports shows that the amount of touching rises at the beginning of a relationship, peaks somewhere early in a marriage, and then tapers o\ufb00. Over time romantic partners adjust the amount of touching they do, up- or downshifting their behavior to move closer to their signi\ufb01cant other\u2019s habits. Inability to converge on a common comfort zone tends to derail a relationship early on, while among couples in long-term marriages, touching reaches an almost one-to-one ratio. While couples who are satis\ufb01ed with each other do tend to touch more, the true indica- tor of a healthy long-term bond is not how often your partner touches you but how often he or she touches you in response to your touch. \u201cThe stronger the reciprocity, the more likely someone is to report emotional intimacy and satisfaction with the relationship,\u201d","62 | Interpersonal Communication Competence Guerrero says. As with many things in relationships, satisfaction is as much about what we do for our partner as about what we\u2019re getting. TL SC The most important things we reveal through touch: \u201cprobably our degree of dominance and our degree of intimacy,\u201d Andersen says. Take, for example, the handshake, one of the few situations in which it\u2019s OK to make prolonged contact with a stranger. As such, it\u2019s an important opportunity for sending a message about yourself. \u201cA limp handshake signi\ufb01es uncertainty, low enthusiasm, introversion,\u201d Andersen says, while a viselike grip can be taken as a sign that you\u2019re trying to dominate. \u201cYou want to have a \ufb01rm but not bone-crushing handshake,\u201d he advises, since it\u2019s better to be perceived as overly warm than as a cold \ufb01sh. \u201cWe like people to have a kind of medium-high level of warmth,\u201d Andersen says. \u201cA person who touches a lot says, \u2018I\u2019m a friendly, intimate person.\u2019 More touch-oriented doctors, teachers, and managers get higher ratings.\u201d Still, outside of close relationships, the consequences of sending the wrong message also increase. \u201cTouchy people are taking some risk that they might be perceived as be- ing over-the-top or harassing,\u201d says Andersen. \u201cPhysical contact can be creepy; it can be threatening.\u201d Context matters, which is why we have rules about whom we can touch, where, and when. \u201cGenerally, from the shoulder down to the hand are the only acceptable areas for touch,\u201d at least between casual acquaintances, according to Andersen. \u201cThe back is very low in nerve endings, so that\u2019s OK too.\u201d Of course, there are other contextual considerations as well. Di\ufb00erent cultures and indi- viduals have di\ufb00erent tolerance levels for touch. Same-sex and opposite-sex touches have di\ufb00erent implications. Then there\u2019s the quality of the touch, the duration, the intensity, the circumstances. \u201cIt\u2019s a complex matrix,\u201d Andersen says. A quick touch and release\u2014like a tap on a cubicle mate\u2019s shoulder to get her attention\u2014no problem. But a stroke on the shoulder could be easily misinterpreted. (\u201cMost cases of sexual harassment involve strok- ing touches,\u201d notes Andersen.) A touch will naturally seem more intimate if it is accompanied by other signals, such as a prolonged gaze, or if it is held an instant too long. Meanwhile, a squeeze on the arm could be a sign of sympathy or support, but if it doesn\u2019t end quickly and is accompanied by intense eye contact, it can come across as a squeeze of aggression. Environment changes things too: On the playing \ufb01eld, a man might feel comfortable giving his teammate a pat on the butt for a job well done, but that congratulatory gesture wouldn\u2019t do too well in the o\ufb03ce. Really, the only rule that ensures communicating by touch won\u2019t get you into trouble is this: Don\u2019t do it. Which is likely what it says in the employee handbook for your work- place. Still, leaving your humanity behind every time you leave home isn\u2019t very appealing. Andersen\u2019s slightly less stringent guidelines for touch: Outside of your closest relationships, stick to the safe zones of shoulders and arms (handshakes, high \ufb01ves, backslaps), and in the o\ufb03ce, it\u2019s always better for a subordinate, rather than a superior or manager, to initiate.","The Power of Touch | 63 If there\u2019s a most appropriate time to communicate via touch, it\u2019s probably when some- one needs consoling. \u201cResearch shows that touch is the best way to comfort,\u201d says Guerrero. \u201cIf you ask people how they\u2019d comfort someone in a given situation, they tend to list pats, hugs, and di\ufb00erent kinds of touch behaviors more than anything else. Even opposite-sex friends, for example, who usually don\u2019t touch a lot so they won\u2019t send the wrong signals, won\u2019t worry about being misinterpreted,\u201d she says. Maybe that\u2019s because there are times\u2014during intense grief or fear, but also in ecstatic moments of joy or love\u2014when only the language of touch can fully express what we feel.","EFFECTIVE LISTENING By Chris Battell L PO I \u2122n Listening Leaders : The Ten Golden Rules to Listen, Lead, and Succeed, Lyman K. Steil and Richard K. Bommelje ask the question: \u201cWho holds the major re- sponsibility for successful communication? Is it the sender or the receiver?\u201d If you compare the training available for becoming a better speaker and giving presenta- tions with the training available for learning to listen better, you might assume that responsibility rests squarely with the sender or speaker. But the truth is that communication is a two-way street: The responsibility rests with both parties. Listening, however, tends to get shortchanged in terms of development because people assume that they already know how to listen. After all, the mechanics of listening appear so simple. One individual speaks; another individual hears and responds. But there is a big di\ufb00erence between hearing and listening. Hearing refers to the physical perception of sound, while listening is a complex combination of hearing, seeing, comprehending, and interpreting communication. In the world of business, poor listening skills can be costly and a\ufb00ect perfor- mance. Some of the results of poor listening skills include \u2022 wasted meeting time \u2022 inaccurate orders and shipments \u2022 lost sales \u2022 inadequately informed, misinformed, confused, or angry sta\ufb00 and customers \u2022 unmet deadlines \u2022 unsolved problems \u2022 wrong decisions \u2022 lawsuits \u2022 poor employee morale. 65","66 | Interpersonal Communication Competence Alternatively, listening with full attention and commitment leads to greater productiv- ity, excellence, smoother relationships, collaboration, sharing, and innovation. Fortunately, listening e\ufb00ectively is an acquired skill. Just as a person can improve his or her speaking skills with conscious, deliberate practice, so too can he or she improve poor listening skills. This issue of Infoline will guide you in the development of e\ufb00ective listening skills by providing \u2022 a solid understanding of the basic principles of e\ufb00ective listening \u2022 techniques, advice, and development activities to improve your listening skills for better performance \u2022 new skills you can apply today to dramatically improve your position as an organiza- tion leader, department manager, or team leader. L 101 Research on how humans communicate is vast. The facts and conclusions are often surpris- ing and sometimes dismaying. Here are just a few to consider: \u2022 One study showed that 70 percent of many people\u2019s days is spent in communication. \u2022 In turn, that 70 percent is made up of nine percent writing, 16 percent reading, 30 percent talking, and 45 percent listening. \u2022 The U.S. Department of Labor estimates that of total communication time, 22 per- cent takes the form of reading, 23 percent speaking, and 55 percent listening. \u2022 A study by Sperry Rand showed that 45 percent of a manager\u2019s time is spent listening. \u2022 Some research shows that 75 percent of oral communication is ignored, misunder- stood, or quickly forgotten. \u2022 Some experts believe we can only listen e\ufb00ectively from one-third to two-thirds of the time. \u2022 The typical speaker talks at a rate of 140 words per minute. \u2022 The typical listener can hear at a rate of 280 to 560 words per minute. \u2022 Most people can think three times faster than the typical speaker can talk. \u2022 By some estimates, in classroom training, the learner retains only 15 percent of what is written or spoken. Clearly, people spend a great deal of time listening, but often do not understand, remem- ber, or act on what others are saying. In fact, most conversations are not true conversations at all. Instead, they are two monologues in which both participants just wait for the other participant to stop talking. Listening, however, requires discipline and commitment. Kinds of Listening Experts use various, overlapping descriptions for the many kinds of listening: \u2022 appreciative: listening for aesthetic enjoyment of sound \u2022 active: listening as a willing act of attending to and interpreting with an open mind the words and feelings a speaker expresses","Effective Listening | 67 \u2022 comprehensive: listening to learn \u2022 critical: listening to make decisions such as when one listens to a political debate \u2022 defensive: listening to discover arguments for oneself and against a speaker \u2022 dichotic: listening to two things at once \u2022 discriminative: listening to distinguish the signi\ufb01cance of one sound from another \u2022 empathic or empathetic: listening to put yourself in another person\u2019s place to understand, but not necessarily agree with what\u2019s being said and why \u2022 re\ufb02ective or responsive: listening to paraphrase, summarize, and clarify a message \u2022 selective: listening only to what one wants to hear \u2022 therapeutic: listening to help someone talk through a problem. Kinds of Listeners Harvey A. Robbins, in How to Speak and Listen E\ufb00ectively, suggests that listeners come in four behavioral styles: 1. Analytical. 2. Amiable. 3. Driver. 4. Expressive. To communicate e\ufb00ectively, you must understand how the listener prefers to receive information and adjust your communication style appropriately. Analyticals tend toward perfectionism and deal in logic and details. They tend to keep feelings to themselves. In talking with them, prepare your case in advance and be accurate and realistic. Provide tangible evidence to support your points. Amiables put a high value on people and friendships. They go out of their way to avoid o\ufb00ending anyone. They have their opinions, but are not inclined to tell you what\u2019s on their mind. Ask \u201chow\u201d questions to draw out their opinions. Drivers can appear to be pushy, making demands on themselves and others. They tend to keep emotions under wraps and resent those who gossip and waste time in idle conversa- tion. They are decisive and results oriented and like to give guidance to both those who need it and those who don\u2019t. Be brief, speci\ufb01c, and to the point when dealing with drivers. Expressives are looking for a good time. They are enthusiastic, creative, and intuitive, but have little tolerance for those unlike themselves. Easily bored, they tend to go o\ufb00 on tangents. Stick with the big picture when relating to this type. P B BL Improving your listening skills requires some mental preparation. You must \u2022 assess your current listening skills to identify areas for improvement \u2022 become more aware of your own internal voice \u2022 learn some ways to coach yourself \u2022 develop greater empathy for others.","68 | Interpersonal Communication Competence Assess Your Listening Skills Improving listening skills takes time and practice. Assessing your listening skills begins with self-examination. How do you relate to other people? Are you empathetic? Use the self-assessment provided in the job aid at the end of this Infoline to identify some areas for improvement. Then focus on the areas in which you need most improvement and will bene\ufb01t most from. The following sections provides methods for improvement. Develop Self-Awareness Developing awareness and control of your own emotions can have an enormous e\ufb00ect on your ability to listen e\ufb00ectively. Nothing can prohibit your ability to listen accurately and objectively more than strong emotion. If you are angry, you may misinterpret what the other person is telling you, casting the message in a negative light to match your mood. If you are sad or depressed, you may tune out of the conversation. However, it is not only negative emotions that can hinder e\ufb00ective listening. For ex- ample, if the person speaking is someone you feel very good about, you may assume you agree with the message and fail to pay full attention to what is being said. The \ufb01rst step to understanding your emotions more is to pay attention to them. This is easiest to do with intense emotions. When you experience these emotions, name the emo- tion and notice the accompanying physical sensations. Some examples of these sensations are trembling, stomach ache, sweating, tingling, dry throat, euphoria, \ufb02ushing, and heart palpitations. Pay attention to your self-talk while you experience your emotions. Douglas Stone, author of Di\ufb03cult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, suggests that the way to manage your inner voice is to turn up the volume of your self-talk, rather than to tune it out. This way, you can learn your self-talk patterns. You can learn what your inner voices tend to say and which ones are worth listening to. Once you\u2019ve started noticing your feelings, move in for a closer look. Keep a log of situations that provoke you. Describe the situations and the people involved as well as your feelings and responses. After several weeks of doing this, review the log. Look for patterns. Search for beliefs and actions that you would bene\ufb01t from improving. Or try the \u201cleft-hand column\u201d technique, which was \ufb01rst invented by Chris Argyris for executive coaching. These are the steps for this technique: 1. Take a sheet of paper and draw a line vertically down the center. 2. In the right-hand column, write the details of a dialogue that did not go well, or at least not as well as you might have liked. 3. Write the actual statements used as well as a description of the circumstances. 4. Then, in the left-hand column, write what you were really thinking throughout the conversation. 5. Review the left-hand column. Answer these questions: \u2022 What e\ufb00ect did my inner voice have on the conversation? \u2022 What did my inner voice lead me to believe that may or may not have been true? \u2022 How did my inner voice open up my thinking and the thinking of my partner?","Effective Listening | 69 LEARNING NEW SELF-TALK The next time you complain to yourself or even out loud, \u201cThey just don\u2019t listen,\u201d remind yourself: \u201cMaybe the real problem is that I haven\u2019t been listening to them.\u201d Repressive, judgmental, or negative self-talk can stand in the way of your ability to listen clearly. The following table presents some ex- amples of inner voice statements and inner coach responses that you can use to change your self-talk. You can also use these examples as models to create new responses to your inner voice. Inner Voice Inner Coach I am the boss, and I don\u2019t deserve to be challenged! Why not use the challenge to learn? Her fear is a weakness, and I won\u2019t hear it. Her fear makes her human; you should I am supposed to have the answers seek to understand it. and tell him. I shouldn\u2019t have to baby sit these You are supposed to help him \ufb01nd the employees! answers and become the best. I have real work to do! Actually, dealing with employees is your job, isn\u2019t it? Why not work to get better But I know the right answer. Why at it? waste time talking? Coaching employees may be your most I need to protect people from bad important real work. news so they don\u2019t get upset. What good will it do to hear his Are you sure your answer is the best one? anger if I can\u2019t \ufb01x it? And, by the way, aren\u2019t you here to teach employees to think, not just to hand out answers? What makes telling the truth such a bad thing? Don\u2019t people deserve that? Listening to him until he feels heard will open the door to possible solutions.","70 | Interpersonal Communication Competence \u2022 How did my inner voice close my thinking and discourage the thinking of my partner? \u2022 How did my inner voice make me feel? Make my partner feel? \u2022 What did I do based on the inner voice? Did that help or hurt? \u2022 What opportunities did I grasp or miss based on the inner voice? \u2022 What does the inner voice re\ufb02ect about that particular relationship and how might it shape that relationship? Greater awareness of your emotions will enable you to identify situations, events, and indi- viduals that a\ufb00ect your ability to listen objectively. When you know what your emotional triggers are, you can take steps to control them. Coach Yourself Once you have surfaced the inner voice and decided that the voice needs lessons, turn on your inner coach. Your inner coach can \ufb01rmly talk back to the inner voice, much the way a top coach may talk to an elite athlete. Counter the repressive or judgmental or negative self-talk with self-talk that opens up your mind and your opportunities. See the sidebar Learning New Self-Talk at left for examples of self-talk that can open you up to new possibilities. Develop Empathy According to Robert Bolton, author of People Skills, empathy is one of the three essentials of e\ufb00ective communication. He de\ufb01nes empathy as \u201cthe ability to really see and hear another person and understand him or her from his or her perspective.\u201d Three characteristics a\ufb00ect the quality of empathy: 1. A sensitive and accurate understanding of the other person\u2014thoughts, feelings, actions\u2014while remaining separate from the person. 2. An understanding of the situations that trigger another person\u2019s experiences. 3. Communication of that understanding to promote a feeling of acceptance and being understood in the other. Daniel Goleman, author of Working With Emotional Intelligence, describes empathy as sens- ing other\u2019s feelings and perspectives and taking an active interest in their concerns. People who are empathetic \u2022 are attentive to emotional cues and listen well \u2022 show sensitivity and understand other people\u2019s perspectives \u2022 help out based on understanding other people\u2019s needs and feelings. Although empathy involves a sincere attempt to understand the perspective of the other person, it is not \u201cpsychologizing\u201d or invasively using pop psychology theories to explore another person\u2019s life. Nor is empathy agreement or acquiescence. Understanding the other person\u2019s perspective does not automatically lead to yes answers. Empathy improves com- munication and fosters relationships.","Effective Listening | 71 The sidebar Empathy in Sales at right provides a case study in empathy, and the sidebar 25 Tips to Be a Better Listener is a quick list of things you can do to prepare to be a better listener. EMPATHY IN SALES Have you ever heard of Ben Du\ufb00y? Time magazine published a story about Du\ufb00y that illustrates the power of empathy in the context of sales. Ben Du\ufb00y was a salesperson for BBD&O Advertising. He was interested in landing a new account. The night before a pivotal call with the prospective client, Du\ufb00y pondered how he might sway the client to use his \ufb01rm. It dawned on Du\ufb00y that the client may have some questions for him that the client might not wish to express\u2014at least not directly. So Du\ufb00y went about listing the questions he thought the prospective cli- ent might have about him and his business. Then, he took the time to answer those questions \u2026 all before getting to the sales call the next day. When Du\ufb00y arrived at the prospect\u2019s place of business, he o\ufb00ered the questions. The prospect, as it turns out, also had a set of questions. The two exchanged questions, and the majority of the questions matched. The answers to the questions mattered less than the fact that most of the questions matched. Ben Du\ufb00y got the sale. So what can we learn from Ben Du\ufb00y? 1. It pays to put yourself in the other\u2019s shoes before you meet. 2. Put yourself in the other\u2019s shoes by asking yourself, \u201cWhat questions might the other person have on his or her mind, but not necessarily feel free to ask?\u201d 3. List the questions. 4. Answer the questions. 5. When you meet with the other party, mention that you have thought about what might be on his or her mind. In short, the steps to empathy are to \u2022 seek to understand the other person \u2022 try to understand the particulars of the other person\u2019s situation \u2022 communicate your understanding.","72 | Interpersonal Communication Competence A YL S You\u2019ve coached yourself into the optimal listening state. You\u2019ve done your best to cultivate empathy. But how do you apply your knowledge? A great place to start is through ap- plication of Steil\u2019s sensing, interpreting, evaluating, and responding (SIER) model, which is described in greater detail in Listening Leaders\u2122 : The Ten Golden Rules to Listen, Lead, and Succeed. 25 TIPS TO BE A BETTER LISTENER Listening well takes a lot of mental preparation. Consider these tips to prepare yourself to be a better listener. 1. Consider the speaker a valuable and worthy person who is o\ufb00ering you the gift of his or her ideas, feelings, and experiences. 2. Turn UP the volume of your self-talk so you can let go of mental roadblocks to listening: prejudice, like, dislike, ego, preconceived ideas, opinions, and solutions. 3. Think of yourself as the host or hostess to the speaker, which means that while the speaker is sharing, you are serving; the focus is on the speaker, not you. 4. Recognize that powerful listening begins with deciding to really listen; listening is an inside-out job. 5. Write some positive self-talk statements for listening before the most di\ufb03cult conversations. 6. Recognize that the more you understand your own thoughts, feelings, and actions the more you will understand other people. Self-knowledge is the way to deeper empathy. 7. In all conversations, notice your own feelings and the body sensa- tions associated with those feelings. 8. After a challenging conversation that did not go so well, use the \u201cleft-hand column\u201d exercise to re\ufb02ect on what happened and what you might do next time. 9. Pay attention to your inner voice (self-talk). When it becomes clear, you are open to challenging that voice to a more positive position. 10. Recognize that you cannot fake listening and always strive to be genuine.","Effective Listening | 73 11. Even when you do not necessarily like or agree with someone, view that person in the light of \u201cunconditional positive regard.\u201d 12. Put yourself in the speaker\u2019s shoes to the best of your ability. Empathy fuels listening and is \u201cthe ability to really see and hear another person and understand him or her from his or her perspec- tive\u201d according to Robert Bolton in People Skills. 13. Recognize that listening is healthy for both the speaker and you. 14. Be aware that powerful listening does not imply agreement or giv- ing in. According to Stephen Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly E\ufb00ective People, listening means seeking to understand before seeking to be understood. 15. Before any important conversation, imagine the other person\u2019s concerns, questions, and issues. You can even list those and tenta- tively test one or two of your ideas during the conversation. 16. Recognize that if you are genuinely listening, your nonverbal com- munication will convey that.You will maintain good eye contact, an attentive body position, supportive hand gestures, and so forth. 17. Rephrase what you hear the speaker say to check understanding, show that you are listening, and be a strong sounding board. 18. Recognize that every time you really listen, you strengthen your relationship with the speaker. 19. As the listener, practice re\ufb02ecting feelings and re\ufb02ecting meanings as appropriate. 20. Ask open-ended questions to encourage the speaker to share rel- evant facts, ideas, opinions, and feelings. 21. Summarize the other person\u2019s views before sharing your own. 22. In a con\ufb02ict situation, use listening whenever the other party is emo- tional. When emotions run high, problem solving becomes di\ufb03cult until the other party feels truly heard. 23. Understand that one of the most important leadership skills is listening. Great leaders listen to everyone, searching for the best information and ideas to forge into the future. 24. Current sales practices promote listening to prospects as a way to deeply understand needs and provide truly viable solutions. 25. Strive to listen because it is one of the most powerful ways to de- velop yourself and others.","74 | Interpersonal Communication Competence Sensing According to Steil and Bommelje, successful listening \u201cis a complex process that can be sim- pli\ufb01ed and mastered by dissecting, understanding, and applying the four multidimensional stages, or blocks, that make up the activities of listening.\u201d Successful listening requires that each stage be completed successfully before the next stage is attempted. The \ufb01rst stage is sensing. To listen e\ufb00ectively, you must \ufb01rst receive the message accurately. That means being silent and allowing yourself to hear what the other person is saying. But hearing the words is only one component of sensing the other person\u2019s message. You\u2019ve also got to pay atten- tion to the person\u2019s body language, tone of voice, and pattern of breathing. These are just a few characteristics to pay attention to: \u2022 The speaker\u2019s voice: Is it agitated or calm, uninspired or enthusiastic? \u2022 The speaker\u2019s emotions and intensity: Is he pleasant, upset, or furious? Is she relaxed or excited, speaking slowly or fast? \u2022 The vocal quality: Is the volume soft, moderate, or loud? \u2022 The use of emphasis: Does the speaker emphasize certain words? In this stage, it is also helpful for you to encourage the speaker to continue speaking by using appropriate body language. In the sidebar Listening Body Language at right, you\u2019ll \ufb01nd some tips about body language and nonverbal cues that will ensure you receive the message fully and accurately. Interpreting A successful sensing stage lays the foundation for the interpreting stage of the Steil SIER model. Interpreting involves ensuring that the understanding of the listener actually matches the meaning of the speaker. If you, the listener, fail to correctly interpret the meaning of the speaker\u2019s message in this stage, all other stages in the listening process will fail. Considering the variety of meaning in words and the di\ufb00erent ways that people use body language, interpreting may be the most di\ufb03cult stage of the Steil SIER listening model. Here\u2019s where the three Rs of listening\u2014rephrasing, re\ufb02ecting, and requesting\u2014can be helpful for ensuring that you are correctly interpreting the speaker. Rephrasing Rephrasing is otherwise known as paraphrasing. To rephrase, capture the essence of the speaker\u2019s message, put it into your own words, and say it back to the speaker. This ac- complishes several things. First, you have disciplined yourself to fully listen. Second, the speaker now has proof that you listened. Third, the speaker can hear what he or she has said. Fourth, the speaker can check the accuracy of understanding and make corrections. Keep these things in mind when rephrasing: 1. Be concise. Shorter rephrasing keeps the speaker on track. 2. Stay essential. Rephrase key points only\u2014no details.","Effective Listening | 75 LISTENING BODY LANGUAGE Body language experts note that nonverbal communication makes up 93 percent of the total message and that nonverbal com- munication\u2014because it is so often overlooked and because some nonverbal cues are not within our conscious control\u2014is the most authentically expressed part of the message. To convey full listening nonverbally is automatic if you\u2019ve made up your mind to really listen. You won\u2019t have to fake it. In fact, you can\u2019t really fake it anyway. Some nonverbal cues\u2014like pupil dilation\u2014are bound to give you away if you are a less than genuine listener. If you coach yourself to listen properly, most of the nonverbal com- munication will take care of itself. However, note that you do have some control over your nonverbal responses. To indicate full listening, consider practicing some of these nonverbal cues: \u2022 position the body at a slight incline toward the speaker \u2022 face the speaker squarely \u2022 maintain level eye contact \u2022 keep the body open; uncross arms and legs \u2022 keep a comfortable distance from the speaker \u2022 move the body and hands in response to the speaker \u2022 establish and maintain eye contact. When you listen, really listen, your body language becomes synchronized with the speaker. 3. Deal with content only. Rephrasing is for ideas, information, and opinions\u2014the con- tent of the message. 4. Use your own words. Don\u2019t mimic the speaker. Reflecting Re\ufb02ecting conjures up the image of a mirror. That is exactly the idea of the re\ufb02ecting listen- ing skill. The listener acts like a mirror for the speaker. The listener holds up an image to the speaker of his or her feelings and thoughts. Re\ufb02ecting can be divided into two subcatego- ries: re\ufb02ecting feelings and re\ufb02ecting meaning.","76 | Interpersonal Communication Competence Re\ufb02ecting feelings means to watch and listen for the speaker\u2019s predominant feelings, especially when those feelings are strong. The listener then verbally re\ufb02ects the feelings back to the speaker. Keep these things in mind when re\ufb02ecting feelings: 1. Focus on the feeling words while listening. 2. Discern the feelings within the context of the message. 3. Watch the body language for cues, especially when the body language seems to shift. 4. Ask yourself, \u201cIf I were in his shoes, how would I feel?\u201d 5. Re\ufb02ect the feelings back with a tentative tone. You don\u2019t want to come o\ufb00 as presump- tuous or invasive. 6. Give the speaker room to correct your views. Re\ufb02ecting meaning combines the feelings and content into one re\ufb02ective statement. Keep these things in mind when re\ufb02ecting meaning: \u2022 Limit the statement to one sentence. \u2022 Use the formula: You feel __________ because ___________. \u2022 Notice that re\ufb02ecting meaning may feel less stilted than rephrasing. Requesting Sometimes you may wish to know more about a particular point or sense a need to better understand the speaker\u2019s feelings. Times like those call for well-crafted questions. Keep these things in mind when requesting: 1. Keep your mind on listening. This is not interrogation; it is discovery. Don\u2019t be clever. Be curious, interested. 2. Ask open-ended questions. 3. Ask questions to solicit detail about what is relevant and important to the larger conversation. 4. Be sensitive to the possibility that the speaker could perceive a question as invasive. Use a gentle, not aggressive tone. Evaluating Only after you have fully sensed and correctly interpreted the speaker\u2019s message are you in a position to evaluate it. This involves understanding your own reaction to the message\u2014 like, dislike, agree, disagree\u2014but it also involves understanding if the message is consistent, inconsistent, well argued, complete, incomplete, supported by evidence, and so forth. Responding The \ufb01nal stage in the Steil SIER model of listening is responding. All the e\ufb00ort involved in sensing, interpreting, and evaluating lead to this point, and the process of listening is not complete without it. However, too often, people tend to skip over the previous stages and","Effective Listening | 77 go directly to a response, assuming they know what action is called for. However, premature action can cause more problems than it solves. Responses to communication can take the form of nodding or shaking the head; frown- ing or smiling; taking notes; answering verbally; or taking appropriate action. LL Organization leaders, department managers, or team leaders spend a large portion of their time listening. Steil and Bommelje note that \u201c[t]hroughout history the e\ufb00ective employ- ment of listening and leading skills has enabled individuals, organizations, and societies to succeed. On the other hand, in the absence of skilled and e\ufb00ective listening, leaders at all levels fail.\u201d Steil and Bommelje also note the following four key facts about listening and leadership: 1. \u201cE\ufb00ective listening and e\ufb00ective leadership are inseparable.\u201d 2. \u201cE\ufb00ective listening is imperative for anyone who desires to lead cohesive, productive, and signi\ufb01cant teams and organizations.\u201d 3. \u201cProductive listening and leadership require the development of productive atti- tudes and values, speci\ufb01c behavioral skill sets, and a deep knowledge of established knowledge.\u201d 4. \u201cListening and leadership can be measurably enhanced.\u201d What then, does a leader need to know about listening? Well, everything that you have learned in this Infoline forms a strong foundation, but Steil and Bommelje have documented some more advanced skills for listening leaders: \u2022 identify and control distractions \u2022 identify and use structure \u2022 identify and control emotions \u2022 take meaningful actions. In addition, the sidebar Listening Habits of E\ufb00ective Leaders presents habits to practice to become a better listener and a more e\ufb00ective leader. Identify and Control Distractions The phone starts ringing. You notice the little icon that indicates you have unread email pop up on your computer screen. Someone comes into your o\ufb03ce with a quick question. Worried about the argument you had with your child this morning, you \ufb01nd yourself un- able to focus. Distractions lie in wait everywhere, waiting to disrupt your ability to pay close attention to what people are saying. But disrupted listening means disrupted leading, and you have to learn ways to control those distractions if you want to be a successful listener and leader. Distractions come in two basic varieties: internal and external. The following sections describe the types of distraction and ways to minimize or eliminate them.","78 | Interpersonal Communication Competence LISTENING HABITS OF EFFECTIVE LEADERS E\ufb00ective leaders are e\ufb00ective listeners. They deliberately cultivate habits that will enable them to be more e\ufb03cient in every aspect of what they do. Practice these habits to improve your own listening skills. 1. Find areas of interest. A poor listener quickly assumes that what the speaker has to say is boring, dull, or dry and stops listening. E\ufb00ective listeners know this is a mistake; gems of information can be found in any message. Practice listening optimistically and asking yourself how the speaker\u2019s message connects to something that you are interested in. 2. Judge content, not delivery. Speakers come in all varieties, from the highly skilled to the ine\ufb00ective or dull. E\ufb00ective listeners must learn to look beyond the delivery of the message. Remind yourself that the most polished delivery may actually contain little or inaccurate information, while the dry statement may have great value. Avoid getting distracted by noncontent items. 3. Don\u2019t jump to conclusions. It\u2019s easy to jump to conclusions about what a person has to say. Either you have a strong opinion about the message or the messenger, or you become emotionally overstimulated when the speaker touches on a pet peeve or a favorite subject. E\ufb00ective listeners, however, control this tendency, waiting until they have received and understood the entire message before formulating opinions.This requires learning to control your emotions and your belief that you know what the speaker will say. 4. Listen for the main point of the message. A typical day\u2019s worth of messages contains ideas, facts, half-truths, principles, statistics, and more. Instead of getting bogged down by the minutiae of the messages, e\ufb00ective listeners focus on central ideas. This enables them to organize the facts around the central theme and thus allows them to remember more. Practice identifying the main framework of the message. 5. Take notes, but adjust your note taking to the speaker. Taking mental notes often works quite well. However, sometimes it is necessary to take written notes. E\ufb00ective listeners are e\ufb00ective note","Effective Listening | 79 takers: they pay attention to speaker patterns, adapt to the speaker\u2019s organization, limit notes to important points, and review their notes. 6. Pay attention. Full attention requires a large amount of energy. However, for leaders who to wish to be e\ufb00ective listeners, working hard to track the speaker is a must. View each person you choose to listen to as having potential value and give sincere attention. Avoid just appearing to listen. 7. Resist distractions. Poor listeners allow themselves to get distracted, while e\ufb00ective listen- ers work to stay focused. Take the time to identify distractions and minimize or get rid of them. 8. Exercise your mind. Poor listeners tune out di\ufb03cult messages. E\ufb00ective listeners consciously and constantly seek out challenging messages to practice their ability to comprehend these messages. Identify your listening strengths and weaknesses so that you can take corrective action. Learn to motivate yourself to listen to topics that may not be of interest. 9. Check your emotions. You cannot avoid reacting emotionally. However, you can learn to keep your emotions from interfering with your ability to listen. To become an e\ufb00ective listener, learn where your emotional vulnerabilities are and how to keep both positive and negative emotions in check. 10. Use the gap between speech and listening speed. People can hear and comprehend speech about three to four times faster than most people can speak. Given all that extra time, it is easy for listeners to waste that extra time. E\ufb00ective listeners stay focused on the message by evaluating, anticipating, reviewing, and summariz- ing the message. They focus on capturing more information and more in-depth understanding. Adapted with permission from Lyman K. Steil and Richard J. Bommelje\u2019s Listening Leaders\u2122: The Ten Golden Rules to Listen, Lead, and Succeed.","80 | Interpersonal Communication Competence Internal Distractions The source of internal distractions lies inside the listener. These distractions can be triggered by physical, psychological, emotional, and rational thought. These are some examples of internal distractions: \u2022 anger \u2022 stress \u2022 excitement \u2022 joy \u2022 worry over organizational or work changes \u2022 insu\ufb03cient sleep \u2022 headaches \u2022 daydreaming \u2022 family concerns. You are the only person who can recognize these internal distractions as well as the only person who can learn to control them. There are three steps to controlling internal distractions: 1. Identify all potential sources of internal distraction. Make a list of your internal distractions. Do you tend to daydream? Get headaches? Worry about your children? Then identify the events, emotions, circumstances, and individuals that trigger these distractions. Also, think about what time of day you tend to be most distracted and why. Finally, determine which distractions cause you the most challenge and cost. 2. Identify the negative impact and cost of each internal distraction. Recall speci\ufb01c events when you were internally distracted and thus did not pay full attention to a speaker. What happened as a result of your inattention? Can you a\ufb00ord for this to happen again? 3. Create a concrete strategy and action plan to overcome your internal distractions. The key to overcoming internal distractions is to create a plan to substitute with proac- tive and productive actions. What works for one person may not work for another, but some examples of activities to overcome internal distractions are taking notes, asking questions, summarizing what the listener is saying, and using subtle reminders that keep you focused. External Distractions External distractions are often out of the control of the listener. These are some examples: \u2022 ringing phones \u2022 sirens \u2022 construction noise \u2022 interruptions \u2022 latecomers","Effective Listening | 81 \u2022 speaker\u2019s accent and mannerisms \u2022 visual stimuli \u2022 room temperature. Dealing with external distractions follows the same steps as dealing with internal distrac- tions: Identify the source, determine the cost of the distraction, and create a strategy to control the distraction. Consider distractions that are predictable, such as ringing phones and incoming email. Are there ways to eliminate these distractions, such as forwarding phone calls or turning o\ufb00 your monitor? If you determine a particular person tends to interrupt frequently, you can talk to that person and request that he or she not come into your o\ufb03ce when the door is closed, for example. Some external distractions cannot be controlled externally; however, you can still con- trol your responses to them. You can decide to ignore them, or you can decide that now is not the time to listen and reschedule your meeting for a better time. The important point to remember is that you must take control of your responses to distractions and not simply allow them to control you. Identify and Use Structure E\ufb00ective listeners and leaders take full advantage of the di\ufb00erential between the time it takes to speak and the time it takes to hear. One way to do this is to identify and use the structure of the message. Every message has some form of structure, whether it be unorganized, disorganized, or organized. Unorganized messages simply have not been organized into any discernible structure. The job for the listener in this case is to create a structure for the message. Disorganized messages have been organized into a structure, but the structure is at best confusing. The listener\u2019s task is to reorganize and restructure the message in a way that makes more sense. Organized messages are organized into a variety of patterns that the listener can iden- tify and use. Once you identify an organized speaker, it is valuable to adapt your listening and note-taking structure (whether mental or on paper) to his or her message structure. In general terms, all organized speakers follow a climactic or anticlimactic structure. Listeners bene\ufb01t from listening for this type of structure \ufb01rst, because it contributes to note taking. Climactic Climactic structures move from the general to the speci\ufb01c. This means that the speaker typically will develop facts or data and thereby lead up to the speci\ufb01c conclusion. The e\ufb00ective listener focuses on the details and withholds judgment until the \ufb01nal conclusion is delivered.","82 | Interpersonal Communication Competence Anticlimactic An anticlimactic structure moves from the speci\ufb01c to the general. A common example of this structure is the speaker who states a \ufb01nal claim or conclusion and then cites support- ing data to back it up. Anticlimactic structures can cause problems for listeners because they aren\u2019t suspenseful. In addition, if the listener agrees with the conclusion, he or she may not focus on the supporting data, and if the listener disagrees, he or she may simply debate the conclusion. For these reasons, it\u2019s especially helpful for you to identify this kind of structure, because you will be able to counsel yourself to be patient, listen carefully, and take good notes. In addition to climactic and anticlimactic structures, speakers often use other struc- tures to organize what they have to say. Listeners can learn these structures as well as cues or clues that indicate the structure in use. These are some more common message structures: Enumeration Enumeration simply refers to a strategy in which the speaker counts o\ufb00 points and sub- points. It is a frequently used and easy structure for the listener to identify, especially if the speaker uses numbers as cues. Organize your note taking following the strategy determined by the speaker. Problem \u2192 Cause \u2192 Effect \u2192 Solution Speakers may use several variations of this structure. They may present a problem and provide a solution. They may present a problem and its e\ufb00ects and a solution. Or they may present the problem and the cause and leave the solution up to the listener. The important thing for the listening leader to do is to listen for the cues and clue language and adapt note taking to the structure in use. These are some cues to listen for: \u2022 \u201cWe have a problem \u2026\u201d \u2022 \u201cThe cause of the problem is \u2026\u201d \u2022 \u201cThe e\ufb00ects of the problem are clear \u2026\u201d \u2022 \u201cOur solution for this problem is \u2026\u201d Chronological Chronological structures follow an easy-to-trace time sequence. Examples are \u201cpast, pres- ent, future\u201d; \u201cyesterday, today, tomorrow\u201d; and \u201cconsidering this issue over time.\u201d To detect this structure, listen for terminology that relates to movement over time, which can move forward or backward. This is a particularly valuable structure for taking notes and connect- ing a lot of information.","Effective Listening | 83 Spatial, Graphic, or Visual Patterns Speakers who use spatial, graphic, or visual patterns to organize their message typically paint a word picture to explain or illustrate what they are saying. These are some examples of clue language to listen for when identifying this structure: \u2022 \u201cPicture in your mind\u2019s eye .\u2026 \u201d \u2022 \u201cImagine this scene .\u2026 \u201d \u2022 \u201cImagine a ladder with \ufb01ve rungs .\u2026 \u201d \u2022 \u201cYou can remember this material by thinking of it as a tree with many branches.\u201d To enhance your listening and note taking, use the speaker\u2019s metaphor to organize or illustrate his or her points. Identify and Control Emotions A common thread that runs through many e\ufb00ective listening tactics, strategies, and habits as well as leadership skills is the importance of emotional self-control. Out-of-control emo- tion stops a person from being able to listen. Emotional triggers in communication are in one of three areas: speaker, topic, and words. Can you remember an occasion when you got angry with a speaker that you don\u2019t get along with? Were you able to listen to what he or she had to say? If the speaker used a word or phrase that insulted you, were you able to continue listening? Note also that your emotion as a listener can stop the speaker from continuing. Your nonverbal behavior broadcasts your emotions and can shut the speaker down. In the end, what you have is failed communication and the loss of all kinds of opportunities. Not only negative emotion can a\ufb00ect your ability to listen. Positive and neutral emotion can also a\ufb00ect it. When you aren\u2019t aware of your positive reaction to certain speakers, topics, or words, you easily become lazy in your listening. Because you like what you hear, you may relax your listening and not pay attention to the details. Although neutrality seems like the way to go in listening, it can result in ine\ufb00ective listening behaviors. Emotional neutrality can lead to passive and uninterested lack of activ- ity. In essence, neutral emotions can lead to an \u201cI don\u2019t care\u201d attitude that stops you from listening e\ufb00ectively. So how do you control your negative, positive, and neutral emotions? First of all, you identify the individuals, topics, and language that trigger these emotions in you. Because these shift continuously, it\u2019s helpful to make it a habit to write down lists of negative, posi- tive, and neutral triggers once a quarter for at least a year. What is the bene\ufb01t of doing this? Once you know your emotional triggers, you are in a better position to control them. The second step is to learn to exercise control. To do this, purposely seek out individuals, topics, and language that negatively a\ufb00ect your emotions and listening. Practice emotional control by \u2022 taking responsibility for accurately sensing and interpreting the messages \u2022 identifying the purpose of the communication \u2022 identifying the structure of the communication","84 | Interpersonal Communication Competence SIX SIMPLE SUGGESTIONS Changing deep-seated emotional responses to people, topics, and lan- guage is hard. It takes a lot of time, and it takes a lot of e\ufb00ort. However, these six simple suggestions can help: 1. Prior to every listening situation, identify the people, topics, and language that a\ufb00ect you emotionally (don\u2019t forget that this applies to positive and neutral emotions also). This practice will make you aware of who and what stimulates your reactions, which puts you one step closer to self-control. 2. Determine why these people, topics, and language a\ufb00ect you the way they do. Think about past experiences or encounters that have in\ufb02uenced your emotional evaluation and reaction. 3. Reduce the emotional impact of people, topics, and words by developing a defusing defense mechanism. A good one to use is ra- tionalization, which involves attempting to convince yourself that the person, topic, or word isn\u2019t as bad as you think it is. No matter what defense mechanism you use, try to eliminate your emotion- ally conditioned responses. 4. To compensate for an initial bias\u2014whether positive, negative, or neutral\u2014defer judgment. Remember that you need to sense and interpret the entire message before you can respond. 5. Exercise empathy by trying to take the speaker\u2019s point of view while you listen. Seek to understand the reasons for the speaker\u2019s views and arguments, even if they are di\ufb00erent from your own. Remember: Understanding another person\u2019s perspective is not agreement or acquiescence. 6. Put your personal feelings into perspective. Remember your expe- riences, including your cultural and educational background, have made you who you are. If you critically evaluate your own views, you will be better able to relate to the ideas of others. Adapted with permission from Lyman K. Steil and Richard K. Bommelje\u2019s Listening Leaders\u2122: The Ten Golden Rules to Listen, Lead, and Succeed.","Effective Listening | 85 \u2022 taking meaningful notes \u2022 withholding emotional judgment and responding rationally. If you continually practice these techniques, you will reduce the e\ufb00ect of your emotional triggers and focus on the speaker\u2019s message, purpose, and content. You will \ufb01nd some ad- ditional suggestions for controlling your emotions in the sidebar Six Simple Suggestions. This Infoline has described the importance of listening; provided some basic facts about listening; and presented tips, tools, and techniques to enhance your listening skills and your success. One last important skill is to know when not to listen. The job aid at the end of the Infoline provides some suggestions for appropriate times to listen and not to listen. Practice these skills and enhance both your professional and your personal lives. RR Articles Adams, Marilee C. Goldberg. \u201cA Journal for People and Organizations in Transition.\u201d The Manchester Review, vol. 3, no. 3 (1998). Cherniss, Carey. \u201cThe Business Case for Emotional Intelligence.\u201d Available at http:\/\/www.eiconsor- tium.org. Goleman, Daniel, et al. \u201cGuidelines for Best Practice.\u201d Available at http:\/\/www.eiconsortium.org. Time. \u201cMan in a Hurry.\u201d March 6, 1950. Books Albrecht, Karl. Social Intelligence: The New Science of Success. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2006. Argyris, Chris. On Organizational Learning. 2nd edition. Oxford: Blackwell, 1999. Bolton, Robert. People Skills. Englewood Cli\ufb00s, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1979. Bradberry, Travis. Emotional Intelligence Quickbook. San Diego: Talentsmart, 2003. Burns, David. The Feeling Good Handbook. New York: Plume, 1999. Cherniss, Carey. The Emotionally Intelligent Workplace. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2001. Covey, Stephen. The Seven Habits of Highly E\ufb00ective People. New York: Free Press, 1979. Crum, Thomas. The Magic of Con\ufb02ict. New York: Touchstone, 1987. Ekman, Paul. Emotions Revealed. New York: Times Books, 2003. Elgin, Suzette Haden. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense for Business Success. Paramus, NJ: Prentice- Hall, 1989. Glanz, Barbara. The Creative Communicator. Burr Ridge, IL: Irwin, 1993. Gladwell, Malcolm. Blink. New York: Little, Brown, 2005. Goleman, Daniel. Working With Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books, 1998. Leeds, Dorothy. Smart Questions: The Essential Strategy for Successful Managers. New York: Berkley Books, 2000. Lerner, Harriet. The Dance of Connection. New York: HarperCollins, 2001. McKay, Matthew. How to Communicate. New York: MJF Books, 1983. Patterson, Kerry. Crucial Conversations. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2002.","86 | Interpersonal Communication Competence Peters, Tom. Re-imagine. London: Dorling Kindersley Limited, 2003. \u2014\u2014\u2014. Talent: Develop It, Sell It, Be It. London: Dorling Kindersley Limited, 2005. Robbins, Harvey A. How to Speak and Listen E\ufb00ectively. New York: AMACOM, 1992. Ryback, David. Putting Emotional Intelligence to Work. Boston: Butterworth-Heinemann, 1998. Scott, Susan. Fierce Conversations. New York: Viking, 2002. Senge, Peter, et al. The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook. New York: Doubleday, 1994. Sjodin, Terri. New Sales Speak. New York: John Wiley & Sons, 2001. Spence, Gerry. How to Argue and Win Every Time. New York: St. Martin\u2019s Gri\ufb03n, 1995. Steil, Lyman K., and Richard K. Bommelje. Listening Leaders\u2122: The Ten Golden Rules to Listen, Lead, and Succeed. Edina, MN: Beaver\u2019s Pond Press, 2004. Stone, Douglas. Di\ufb03cult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Viking, 1999. Weisinger, Hendrie. Emotional Intelligence at Work. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1998. Zander, Benjamin. The Art of Possibility. New York: Penguin Books, 2000.","Effective Listening | 87 J\u0114\u0107 A\u010e\u0109 Listening Assessment Want a better read on how well you listen? Rate yourself using this assessment to \ufb01nd out. To get a wider perspective, give copies of this assessment to co-workers, friends, family, and clients to learn their opinions of your listening practices. To complete the assessment, rate the person being evaluated based on the following scale: 1 = Never, 2 = Rarely, 3 = Sometimes, 4 = Often, 5 = Always. PERSON BEING EVALUATED _______________________________________________ 1. Gives the impression that he or she is fully listening. 12345 2. Makes the speaker feel as if he or she is the center of the conversation. 12345 3. Gives the speaker plenty of time to talk. 12345 4. Refrains from interrupting the speaker. 12345 5. Looks at the speaker with encouraging eye contact. 12345 6. Does not \ufb01dget with objects or otherwise act distracted. 12345 7. Helps keep the speaker on track with paraphrasing. 12345 8. Probes for deeper understanding. 12345 9. Does not \ufb01nish the speaker\u2019s sentences. 12345 10. Conveys an attitude of openness and sincerity. 12345 11. Puts the speaker at ease, encouraging deeper sharing. 12345 12. Asks questions that open up the discussion. 12345 13. Asks questions to direct more discussion to a particular point, when helpful. 12345 14. Asks questions to draw out emotion as much as fact. 12345 15. Does not insert humorous remarks when the speaker is serious. 12345 16. Refrains from \u201csneaking a peek\u201d at his or her watch. 12345 17. Smiles at the speaker and leans forward to convey interest. 12345 18. Does not give the impression of \u201clistening just for show.\u201d 12345 19. Creates an atmosphere of trust and connection through listening. 12345 20. Demonstrates empathy through listening. 12345","88 | Interpersonal Communication Competence J\u0114\u0107 A\u010e\u0109 Determine When or When Not to Listen An important component of listening is knowing both when to listen and when not to. There are times when it does not make sense to stop and listen. These are good times to reschedule the meeting or discussion. The following table summarizes good and bad times to listen. When to Listen When Not to Listen Before taking action, paraphrase to check for understanding. Do this at the end of a meeting to When you are not accepting, don\u2019t fake it. Listen- clarify everyone\u2019s understanding of what should ing depends on an open-minded perspective. take place outside the meeting. This is not agreement or disagreement. This is just temporary suspension of judgment for the Before arguing or criticizing, seek to understand purposes of deeper exploration. the other\u2019s views before sharing your own. So, paraphrase what you\u2019ve heard. Ask clarifying When the other is not capable of answers, questions. Re\ufb02ect the other\u2019s feelings. Make sure which only happens when the other is not yet you know what\u2019s been said before stating your trained to do something (for example, driving own case. or operating a new software program). In those cases it may not be helpful to solicit the other When the other has a problem that may be person\u2019s ideas about how to go about doing the revealed by strong nonverbal communication. task. Would you ask a new driver, \u201cHow do you Listen to the other thoroughly before responding. think you ought to start driving?\u201d Remember that thoughtful recommendations can come only after thorough diagnosis, and that When you get too involved to keep an objective, depends on skillful listening. yet empathetic stance. If you take the other When the other is holding back, and you suspect person\u2019s position personally, you will not be able there is more to the story than is being readily to listen actively. Your intense emotions will o\ufb00ered. Listen to draw the other person out. create too much static for you to listen well. When the other person wants a sounding board, If you are tired or worn out, do not attempt to and you know it. The person wants to talk out listen. Schedule a better time to listen so you loud to sort through what to do and when to do can bring the proper energy to the experience it. for both you and the other person. During true dialogue, or when both parties want In an emergency, someone simply needs to take to fully share and listen to each other\u2019s views. over, if only for a brief moment. If a two-year-old To discover deeper meaning in someone else\u2019s posi- ran into the street, you wouldn\u2019t stop to listen tion or ideas, especially when you are tempted to to his or her feelings about being in the street. assume that you know what is meant or to dismiss You would get him or her out of the street as the idea out of hand. Listen purposefully instead. quickly as possible. Discover the true message.","ANTISOCIAL COMMUNICATION ON ELECTRONIC MAIL AND THE INTERNET By Karen M. Douglas Anti-social\u2014\u201copposed to sociality, averse to society or companionship\u201d Oxford English Dictionary The Internet is like alcohol in some sense. It accentuates what you would do anyway. Esther Dyson\u2014Interview in Time Magazine, October 2005 R ecently, I posed a question to a group of students in my \ufb01nal-year class on so- cial psychology and communication. I asked half of the group to think about the positive aspects of computer-mediated communication (CMC) such as email and the internet, and I asked the other half to think about the negative aspects. We then spent some time discussing the students\u2019 responses. While everyone agreed that email and the internet made life much easier\u2014indeed most of the students could not remember a time when they did not exist\u2014everyone in the class agreed that there was a \u201cdark side\u201d to using the internet. Many students recalled colorful incidents of harassment, being ignored, being abused, having their \ufb01nancial details stolen, and were clearly upset at recalling these unsavory events. However, what intrigued me the most was that everyone had an interesting tale to tell, suggesting just how widespread these experiences are. In this [article], I will consider several phenomena which fall under the banner of antisocial communication on email and the internet. These phenomena vary in several important ways. Some are targeted at individuals, and some are aimed at groups. Some are active forms of aggression, yet others are more passive forms of antisocial behavior. However, perhaps the most obvious way in which the various forms of antisocial communication di\ufb00er is in the degree of intended harm to, or personal attack on, the victim or victims. That is, while some negative aspects of 89","90 | Interpersonal Communication Competence CMC may be unintended consequences of the medium (e.g., losing email through network di\ufb03culties, therefore failing to respond), others may be direct intentions to cause harm or distress to the recipient or recipients (e.g., harassment and bullying). In my discussion, I will organize phenomena with respect to their intended harm. Speci\ufb01cally, I will begin my discussion with an examination of \ufb02aming, moving on to more intentional and prolonged behaviours such as ostracism. I will then discuss the most intentionally harmful aspects of antisocial behavior on the internet: cyberhate and online harassment. After outlining the phenomena, I will then attempt to provide an overall perspective, and consider if it is the case that when people behave negatively on the internet, they are just \u201cdoing what they would do anyway.\u201d Although it is not possible to highlight all aspects of online antisocial communication within the scope of this [article], I will outline what are perhaps the most common behaviors in this regard. F The most commonly studied and well-known example of antisocial online behavior is \ufb02am- ing. Flaming has been de\ufb01ned as the \u201cpractice of expressing oneself more strongly on the computer than one would in other communication settings\u201d (Kiesler et al., 1984: 1130). It has also been described as \u201chostile expression of strong emotions and feelings\u201d over com- puter networks (Lea et al., 1992: 89). Research on \ufb02aming dates back to the very beginnings of CMC in the 1980s. At that time, Kiesler and colleagues (e.g., Kiesler, 1986; Kiesler et al., 1984; Siegel et al., 1986) conducted a series of studies investigating problem-solving behavior in CMC, and to their surprise, they observed relatively high levels of disinhibited behavior among communicators. In particular, compared to Face-To-Face (FTF) communication and CMC settings where participants were asked to identify themselves by providing their name, anonymous CMC was associated with more swearing, insults, and name-calling. At the time, this challenged the popular belief that CMC was a \u201ccool\u201d rather than an interpersonally or socially \u201cwarm\u201d communication medium which encouraged swift and e\ufb03cient information exchange rather than facilitating interpersonal communication. CMC was never supposed to be about social behavior, and features such as arguments and hostility, or indeed positive social behavior such as expressions of liking, were not sup- posed to happen in CMC as they did in more conventional communication (Hiltz & Turo\ufb00, 1978). However, the observation of \ufb02aming led to the popular view that CMC was suitable for work-related tasks such as group problem solving, but not suitable for tasks requiring interpersonal feedback. This was not because CMC was considered \u201ccool,\u201d but because it was now thought to encourage deviant antisocial behavior (e.g., Rice, 1987). Early \ufb01ndings sparked much research interest into \ufb02aming, and indeed it was and still is widely assumed that anonymous CMC promotes \ufb02aming (Lea et al., 1992). People can let loose with their hostility on CMC just like they can face-to-face, and perhaps even more so. However, it should be noted that although observations of \ufb02aming are common, research suggests that in absolute terms, \ufb02aming occurs infrequently and depends more on the context of the communication (Lea et al., 1992). For example, communicators who are","Antisocial Communication on Electronic Mail and the Internet | 91 under time pressure may \ufb02ame others more because they are frustrated about being un- able to communicate e\ufb00ectively. People cannot type as quickly as they speak, which may be one cause of frustration when trying to get one\u2019s point across in CMC. To examine the impact of identi\ufb01ability on \ufb02aming, Douglas and McGarty (2001; 2002) investigated the online comments that people made about a racist target. Results revealed that participants\u2019 responses were much more likely to stereotype the target under condi- tions of identi\ufb01ability (not anonymity) to a like-minded audience. Presumably therefore, the increased hostility toward the target was facilitated by the supportive context of com- municating with others who also felt negative feelings towards the target. Other factors have been linked to \ufb02aming behavior. For example, males tend to \ufb02ame more than females (Aiken & Waller, 2000), and those with an external locus of control are more likely to \ufb02ame than those with an internal locus of control (Alonzo & Aiken, 2002). Further, anger and assertiveness have been linked with hostile behavior online (Alonzo & Aiken, 2002). However, it is useful to consider that \ufb02aming is not necessarily always negative. It often serves a positive purpose. For example, people who \ufb02ame might be attempting to protect others from being hurt, or trying to uphold the rules of a group when someone attempts to violate those rules (see Denegri-Knott & Taylor, 2005; Lea et al., 1992; O\u2019Sullivan & Flanagin, 2003). Flaming can therefore facilitate the maintenance of a group\u2019s norms and standards and of course will not always lead to an all out \u201c\ufb02ame war\u201d among communica- tors. Nevertheless, being the object of even moderate \ufb02aming is enough to make people feel angry and experience negative a\ufb00ect. Sometimes when \ufb02ames are defamatory or violent, this can even lead to lawsuits being brought against the perpetrator of the abuse (see Alonzo & Aiken, 2002). However, in terms of the intention to harm a victim, \ufb02aming can perhaps be consid- ered a relatively benign form of online abuse. Speci\ufb01c and isolated incidents of \ufb02aming might often happen in moments of frustration or anger, and may not be deliberately composed to harm the recipient. Rather, \ufb02aming may be a way for an individual to vent their temporary frustration. Also, \ufb02aming may have a purpose and be relatively harmless when conducted in a chat room or newsgroups. In conclusion, \ufb02aming is considered as one negative consequence of CMC, but other forms of antisocial communication may in fact be more harmful to internet users. More speci\ufb01cally, intentional aspects of antisocial behavior exist that may present an immediate psychological threat to a participant. One such example of intentional antiso- cial behavior is ostracism. C Being ignored, or ostracized, has negative psychological consequences (Gruter & Masters, 1986; Williams, 1997). For example, ostracism has been associated with depressed mood, anxiety, loneliness, helplessness, invisibility, and frustration (see Williams et al., 2000). Being ostracized threatens the basic human needs for belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaning- ful existence (Williams et al., 2000). The study of cyberostracism examines the negative impact","92 | Interpersonal Communication Competence of being ignored in cyberspace. This work, pioneered by Kip Williams and colleagues (e.g., Williams et al., 2000; Zadro et al., 2004), de\ufb01nes cyberostracism as \u201cany intended or perceived ostracism in communication modes other than face-to-face\u201d (Williams et al., 2000: 750). This can be anything like unanswered emails, or being consistently ignored in a chat room. Williams et al. (2000) argue that cyberostracism has the potential to be more am- biguous than ostracism that takes place via face-to-face communication or other means. For example, a technological problem may mean that an email goes unanswered, or a post in a chat room is not responded to. Also, people may be away from their email on vacation, but nevertheless a lack of response to urgent messages can easily be perceived as a personal snub. Whether or not this ambiguity makes the target of ostracism feel better or worse about being ignored however, remained to be tested. To examine the impact of cyberostracism, Williams and colleagues (2000) designed a virtual ball-tossing experiment called \u201cCyberball.\u201d Experimental participants were led to believe that they were playing a game with two other individuals and were asked to throw the ball to one of these individuals. Participants were assigned to one of four conditions: over-inclusion (participants were thrown the ball 67 percent of the time), inclusion (33 percent), partial ostracism (20 percent), or complete ostracism (0 percent). The game continued until participants chose to quit. Results revealed that participants indeed re- ported negative a\ufb00ect if they were ostracized. Also, this aversive impact was in\ufb02uenced by decreased feelings of belonging. Further results indicated that ostracized participants were more likely to attempt to \u201crepair\u201d their belonging by complying with the incorrect views of a new group. Therefore, even in the most minimal of settings when communica- tors are unable to see each other, or are subject to public embarrassment, ostracism has a strong negative impact on people\u2019s feelings. Zadro et al. (2004) have recently extended these \ufb01ndings to show that people still feel bad even when they are led to believe that they are interacting only with a computer. That is, being \u201costracized\u201d by a machine is enough to make people experience negative a\ufb00ect. The need to avoid social exclusion is very powerful and the research on cyberostracism reveals that this need does not disappear when people communicate over the computer. People still feel the need to be wanted and included even when they cannot see their communication partner or partners. Perhaps the lack of social cues present in CMC makes this need for inclusion more or less salient. The internet also makes it easy for people to ostracize others. Email can be ignored or left for a long time without reply. Unanswered email may cause distress and may lead the sender to (rightly or wrongly) infer that the recipient is ignoring them. A recipient may do so unintentionally either due to carelessness, or simply being too busy, but might also do so intentionally to cause psychological distress to the sender. Therefore, ostracism can be viewed, especially if intentional, as a particularly poignant example of antisocial computer-mediated communication. However, while potentially damaging to the target\u2019s self-esteem and psychological well-being, there are arguably more harmful aspects of intentional antisocial behavior than cyberostracism. One such example is the phenomenon of cyberhate. Cyberhate is a unique phenomenon because it does not necessarily involve negative one-toone communication. Speci\ufb01cally, cyberhate is intentionally targeted at groups of people, especially social groups","Antisocial Communication on Electronic Mail and the Internet | 93 based on race, religion, and sexual orientation. Here, individuals intentionally attempt to reach a larger audience with messages of hate and prejudice. C An examination of The Hate Directory (http:\/\/www.bcpl.net\/~rfrankli\/ hatedir.pdf) shows that in April 2006, there were over 2,300 extremist websites on the internet. The gen- eral overarching feature of online extremist groups is that they express hate toward other groups, most commonly on racial or ethnic grounds (The Hate Directory, 2006). Online hate groups express their hate by presenting themselves in a variety of di\ufb00erent ways, such as selling merchandise, presenting persuasive mission statements, organizing protests and rallies, and some advocating violence. This phenomenon is now commonly referred to as cyberhate (e.g., Douglas, 2007; Douglas et al., 2005). For scholars, the proliferation of cyberhate has brought two main questions into focus. First, can we regulate it, and should it be regulated? (Gerstenfeld et al., 2003; Leets, 2001; Levin, 2002; Siegel, 1999; Zickmund, 1997). Second, what are the e\ufb00ects of hate expressed online, especially when they advocate violence? Understanding online hate groups therefore provides an important challenge for researchers. What is their purpose? What motivates the individuals and groups who author them? What ac- tion can be taken to combat them? Also, what is the impact, on individuals, of this kind of communication? It is argued that online hate sites allow individuals to seek solidarity with other like- minded individuals who would not otherwise take action against other groups, or to express views that would otherwise be socially unacceptable (e.g., Gerstenfeld et al., 2003; Lee & Leets, 2002; Levin, 2002; see also Schafer, 2002). Using the internet, hate groups can let others know that they are not alone in holding their views (Gerstenfeld, et al., 2003). Along the same lines, the internet allows people running online hate sites to recruit new members, including children, giving them the opportunity to strengthen and grow as groups (e.g., Douglas, et al., 2005; Levin, 2002). To achieve their aims, hate groups have several strategies at their \ufb01ngertips. McDonald\u2019s (1999) analysis of racist\/nationalist hate groups revealed that most sites attempted to per- suade their readers by stating their views in a neutral manner, without insults or advocated violence. Similarly, Douglas, et al. (2005) revealed little evidence of advocated violence in their analysis of White-power websites. Instead, these groups used more socially creative strategies that rede\ufb01ne the elements of the comparative situation without being overtly hostile. As McDonald (1999) notes, clever techniques such as these may not persuade many people to advocate the groups\u2019 viewpoints, or become racist themselves, but clearly do not dissuade people from doing so. They are also a means to maintain a positive image of the group. So, what can we do about cyberhate? At least in the U.S.A., options for shutting down hate sites are limited because of the protection of freedom of expression provided by the First Amendment. However, many websites are rightly closed down because they explicitly encourage violence towards groups, while others are simply sabotaged by well-meaning","94 | Interpersonal Communication Competence individuals and groups (Leets, 2001). However, as an alternative to censorship or bans, a handful of antihate activists are using the internet to expose hate and discrimination online. An example of this is The Hate Directory. However, it is interesting to note that in comparison to over 2,300 sites advocating hate on the internet as listed on The Hate Directory in 2006, there are only 25 similar sites listed with an explicit aim to combat hate. Clearly therefore, combating hate on the internet presents a di\ufb03cult challenge. One very important question that remains relatively unanswered in the literature on cy- berhate is the question of their direct consequences. That is, do these sites really meet their aims? One study by Turpin-Petrosino (2002) suggests that these strategies might not be as successful as desired, at least on youths. Instead, greater support for White-supremacist groups for a sample of adolescents was associated with more traditional media such as word-of-mouth and printed matter (see also Lee and Leets, 2002). However, taking a dif- ferent perspective, Gerstenfeld et al. (2003) argued that youths visiting hate websites may simply not be aware that they are being in\ufb02uenced by the content they are viewing. We know from social psychological research that people are often unaware of the in\ufb02uence that persuasive media have on themselves while predicting a substantial in\ufb02uence on oth- ers (see research on the third-person e\ufb00ect, e.g., Davison, 1983; Douglas & Sutton, 2004; Duck & Mullin, 1995). So internet hate sites may indeed be a more powerful in\ufb02uence on attitudes than self-report data may suggest. To summarize so far, it is clear that negative aspects of communication on the internet di\ufb00er in their degree of intentional harm to the recipient. Cyberhate, as just discussed, is an attack on a social group with an intentional e\ufb00ort to have wide-spread impact. Expressing hate presents a direct attack and threat to groups and individuals belonging to groups. Cyber-hate has the potential to reach millions of internet users with messages of bigotry and hate, sometimes advocating violence and other forms of overt hostility. On the other hand, cyberostracism can be an intentional way of causing distress to another individual by actively avoiding their emails, posts, or not including them in a sustained conversation. It may have a negative psychological impact on the individual who is ostracized. Flaming is an example of a more immediate antisocial act. Communicators are \u201c\ufb02amed,\u201d but this may be an act of frustration rather than the result of a chronic intention to harm someone. However, even \ufb02aming is considered particularly harmful when it invades one\u2019s email inbox, or continues over an extended period of time (Alonzo & Aiken, 2002). It is often the case that \ufb02aming and hostility extends beyond casual encounters to more frequent or menacing encounters. It is at this point that the \ufb02aming turns into intentional harassment, sometimes bullying, and potentially \u201ccyberstalking.\u201d I argue that this is perhaps the most damaging interpersonal form of intentional antisocial communication on the internet. OH Harassment that exists in conventional communication also occurs in online communi- cation (Khoo & Senn, 2004). The dynamics and features of harassing communication are similar, but the harassment is achieved over electronic media rather than face-toface, over","Antisocial Communication on Electronic Mail and the Internet | 95 the phone, or by letter. Email is the most popular mode of online harassment (Khoo & Senn, 2004). This includes forwarding o\ufb00ensive material and jokes (usually sexist or racist), chain letters, sexual requests, and pornography (see Moulton, 1998). It may also entail sending the target a \ufb01le with a virus, using their email address to subscribe to listservs, and may even extend to harassment beyond email and the internet into the real world (Finn, 2004). Harassment is usually assumed to occur when the sender explicitly intends to cause the recipient stress (ybarra & Mitchell, 2004), but can also occur when a hostile environ- ment is created without the intention of the sender (Moulton, 1998). Of course, we should also consider that in sending pornographic material in particular, senders may cause harm to the person who is the subject of the material. However, concentrating this discussion on receivers, emails become classi\ufb01ed as harassment when they ful\ufb01ll the legal de\ufb01nition of harassment, in that they insult, degrade, embarrass, or create a hostile environment for the receiver (see Frazier et al., 1995). The term cyberstalking is also used to describe online harassment. According to Finn (2004: 469), cyberstalking involves \u201c(a) repeated threats and\/or harassment (b) by the use of electronic mail or other computer-based communica- tion (c) that would make a reasonable person afraid or concerned for their safety.\u201d Email harassment and cyberstalking are relatively understudied phenomena (Khoo & Senn, 2002) which is also the case for some of the more \u201cconventional\u201d forms of harass- ment such as obscene phone calls, dirty jokes, racist jokes, and the display of pornographic material (Gruber, 1992). Through the technology of email, a harassing message can reach its target instantaneously, and can reach many other potential targets across the globe with the click of the \u201csend\u201d button. Strangers can harass strangers, people can be harassed by individuals that they know, and sometimes senders can harass people they know while only posing to be anonymous. It is a powerful medium by which to make a target or targets feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable. Recent research also points to the increasing prevalence of bullying over email, particu- larly in an organizational context. One study by Baruch (2005) demonstrated that a \u201ccon- siderable level\u201d of bullying was identi\ufb01ed over email in a large multinational corporation, and that this was associated with anxiety. Some respondents also indicated an intention to leave the organization and were dissatis\ufb01ed with their job and their performance. Research suggests, perhaps not surprisingly, that women are more frequently the targets of email harassment than men, and they also judge the content of harassing email as more o\ufb00ensive than men (Khoo & Senn, 2002). This mirrors research outside the realm of the internet which suggests that women are more often the victims of sexual harassment than men (reilly et al., 1986). However, email harassment is also reported to be a problem among youths (ybarra & Mitchell, 2004). One media report suggests that online harassment is a signi\ufb01cant issue for young internet users with 7 percent of surveyed youths between the ages of 11 and 19 reporting having been harassed in chat rooms, and 4 percent having been bullied or harassed over email (BBC Online, 2002, 2006). Further, the same reports reveal that youths are also being targeted through instant messaging (IM). Of survey respondents, 44 percent stated that they knew someone who had been bullied through IM services such as MSN and Yahoo. Also, approximately a third of respondents knew instances where bullies had hacked into others\u2019 email or IM accounts","96 | Interpersonal Communication Competence and sent embarrassing messages from them. The types of harassment uncovered in the surveys included threats of beatings, and death threats. A more benign yet still harmful type of bullying involves the spreading of malicious gossip. In another survey of students on a university campus, Finn (2004) found that 10\u201315 percent of students reported receiving repeated emails or IMs that were threatening, harassing or insulting. Of these, more than half reported receiving unwanted pornography. Interestingly, only 7 percent of the harassed participants said that they had reported the harassment to authorities. Internet harassment has led to the development of programs such as New Zealand\u2019s \u201cnetsafe\u201d project (http:\/\/www.netsafe.org.nz\/) for computer users and especially children to be safe from online harassment. It has also led to the devel- opment of organizations such as \u201cWorking to Halt Online Abuse\u201d designed to combat internet harassment in general (http:\/\/www.haltabuse.org\/). Another emerging source of online harassment is unsolicited email, usually in the form of advertisements or pornography (Khoo & Senn, 2004). Also known as spam, this may not be classi\ufb01ed as harassment per se, or an intentional act to harm someone, but it is nevertheless an unwanted and negative feature of being connected via computer. The content of spam may be particularly o\ufb00ensive or disturbing, meaning that the target is left feeling uncomfort- able. It is often easy for people to obtain others\u2019 personal and work email addresses in order to \ufb02ood them with unwanted email (Seddon, 2002). This type of unauthorized identity use is not uncommon and can have other, sometimes \ufb01nancially damaging consequences for the victim or target. Again, while rarely intended to harm a particular individual, the theft of someone\u2019s identity to purchase goods on the internet is becoming more commonplace (Milne et al., 2004; Sovern, 2004, Sta\ufb00ord, 2004). It is often di\ufb03cult to clear one\u2019s name after an occurrence of identity theft (Linnho\ufb00 & Langenderfer, 2004). T\u201c \u201d While placing di\ufb00erent forms of antisocial online behavior in a framework of intended harm to recipients, it still remains di\ufb03cult to provide an overall explanation for these be- haviors. The phenomena I have discussed in this [article] are very di\ufb00erent from each other and each has di\ufb00erent consequences for individuals and groups. However, it is important to consider if something about CMC is conducive to antisocial communication in general. Is there a particular feature of CMC that allows people to behave di\ufb00erently than they would in conventional communication? Does the internet \u201cdo\u201d something to people? Or, are people simply behaving in a more \u201cextreme\u201d way than they normally would? Early observations of CMC focused on the in\ufb02uence of anonymity on behavior. Work on CMC focused on the prediction that communication via computers will be di\ufb00erent than other modes of communication because it allows people to be anonymous when they communicate. This idea has been explored extensively in a variety of settings since CMC originated in the 1980s, such as work-related behavior, group productivity (e.g., Siegel et al., 1986; Sproull & Kiesler, 1986) and the development of online relationships (e.g., Lea","Antisocial Communication on Electronic Mail and the Internet | 97 & Spears, 1995; van Gelder, 1985). In this research, people show more \u201cdisinhibited\u201d behav- ior via CMC such as self-disclosure (Joinson, 2001), and \ufb02aming, hostile communication towards others (e.g., Douglas & McGarty, 2001, 2002; Kiesler et al., 1984; Lea et al., 1992). The widely accepted explanation for this is that communicating without speci\ufb01c social cues (e.g., nonverbal feedback) and accountability releases people from constraints that would normally motivate them to keep their behavior at a level that is socially acceptable. Derived from research on deindividuation (Diener, 1980; zimbardo, 1969), this argument suggests that people are able to get away with antisocial behavior because they are not accountable for it. Although there is little support for the idea that anonymity on its own increases antisocial behavior, and \ufb02aming in particular (see Lea et al., 1992; Postmes & Spears, 1998; Walther et al., 1994), the belief that anonymity is responsible for uninhibited behavior is commonly expressed in the literature. It is therefore unsurprising that the inter- net is popularly perceived to be the ideal medium for people to express the darker sides of themselves, to insult, harass and abuse others, to be unduly ignorant towards each other, and to express extreme hateful views. Another explanation relates to the speci\ufb01c norms of interacting over computer net- works. According to this account, uninhibited behavior occurs because there are speci\ufb01c norms and accepted values, language, signs, and artefacts associated with CMC (Denegri- Knott & Taylor, 2005; Lea et al., 1992; O\u2019Sullivan & Flanagin, 2003). People are often impolite, unconventional, and irreverent with each other when they communicate this way. While these features of CMC were originally thought to be exclusive to speci\ufb01c groups such as computing departments at universities and people working in the computer industry, it is argued that these norms now have had a wide in\ufb02uence over lay persons because comput- ers are used so extensively in everyday work and social life. Perhaps an understanding of \ufb02aming and cyberostracism can be facilitated by this account. It may be typical to \ufb02ame people in certain CMC contexts. Also, the medium may give people more license to ignore or ostracize others because it is more acceptable or normative in that context. However, what is normative in CMC may not necessarily also be normative in society. Another explanation associates CMC with increased frustration due to technological di\ufb03culties (Denegri-Knott & Taylor, 2005; Lea et al., 1992). According to this account, because CMC is often ine\ufb03cient, slow, and malfunctioning, people become frustrated and let their frustrations out on others. Again, \ufb02aming could be explained using this account. People who become frustrated with the medium may take their aggression out on others in the form of abusive communication, when this is something they would not normally do in conversation. While each of these explanations can partly aid in our understanding of phenomena such as \ufb02aming and ostracism, cyberhate and online harassment are more di\ufb03cult to explain. Social psychological accounts of uninhibited behavior in CMC do not seem quite su\ufb03cient to explain these particularly damaging and\/or criminal aspects of email and the internet. Indeed, the anonymity provided by CMC may make these antisocial acts easier for people to commit. In a similar fashion to \ufb02aming and cyberostracism, cyberhate and ha- rassment can be facilitated by the anonymity of CMC and people\u2019s ability to conceal their identity from others. However, it would be di\ufb03cult to argue that anonymity is responsible"]
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