broken vase an anthology 1 qui qarre
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner. Cover design Kyansimire Gift “Zord Files” [email protected] Editor Stom Wabuko [email protected] ISBN 978-9966-1806-8-1 All rights reserved © Copyright 2021
CONTENTS I Want To Be Loved …………...………………………. 1 Doorpost DM ………………...………………………… 3 Coin Game ………………...…………………………… 4 This Woman ………….…..…………………………….. 5 Small Green Leaves ...........................................….......... 7 Thoughts of you ……………………………………...… 9 I found a star in dirty water …………….…………...... 11 My vase ………………….…………………………… 14 Falling in love ……………………………..…….......... 15 Same roof different room …….………………………. 16 Some Fixing …………….……………………………. 17 Who Knows A Prophet ………………….…………… 18 Scar Year ………...……………..…………………….. 20 Tides ………...…………………………..……………. 22 Hey Dad …………….………………………………… 23 The first time …………………………………………. 26 Figuring me out ………………………………………. 27 Why …………………………...…….………………... 29 Wanted need ……………………………...….……….. 31 Fling with sky ………………………………………… 33 Golden Cracks …………………………………...…… 34 Still Trying To ……………………………...………… 35 Dance again ……………………………...…………… 37 Christmas is clouds away …………………………….. 38 Life in living ………………………………………...... 39 Cracks ………………………………………………… 40 Her Eyes ……………………………………………… 42 Scared teachings …...…………….…………………… 43 I'll Rise …………………………….………………….. 44
DEDICATION To every young person dealing with unstable mental health, especially young mothers dealing with postnatal depression, seeking healing and hope. May you recover, may you heal and may you find yourselves and live your lives to the fullest.
I WANT TO BE LOVED I want somebody to fall deeply in love with me I want to be reminded of what \"I miss you\" feels like without it first being an answer to a question I asked I want to enjoy sending selfies I took after the morning runs I want to talk about how I've been teaching myself how to make chapatis How hard it's been I want to be taken for movie dates without me adding that I'll pay for everything You know that line we use to make people feel like they only need to show up? You might even pay for their Uber there I want somebody to fall in love with me To talk about getting lost in my eyes and the way I smile The dark marks under my eyes and the dimples that show when I'm happy I want somebody to fall in love with me So they could remind me what having back up feels like So they will ask for kawaida grilled chicken and mushroom sauce on dress nights 1
I want somebody to fall in love with me Invite me over to watch End Game for the tenth time After one hour I'll doze off Then maybe he'll carry me And I'll wake at mid night asking \"Did you drug me?\" Then maybe he'll say \"I'm your drug\" I want somebody to fall in love with me and help me keep track of the number of stretch marks on my “sitting apparatus” I want somebody to be my partner My gossip partner I want to love someone Be crazy with them Get chicken Macon at 2AM Dance to Alchemist music and later some Samidoh that same night I want somebody to fall in love with me so much that I write a happy book - for once about them and about that life I’ve been out here forcing too many moments and I'm drained I already gave my last shot Now, I want somebody to fall in love with me I'll love them back before they do 2
DOORPOST DM I wrote \"Love yourself\" on my door post It reminds me to do myself that favor as I go in and as I come out Not to expect love from anyone Not from anyone inside that home or outside To let love be a gift More so a surprise It reminds me to remember to love myself behind closed doors and outdoors I picked that from the Bible Now, it's my favorite scripture It reminds me of the broken vases inside the walls of my home, the beautiful vases on my windows and the story of love that comes with each vase Maybe full vases are not full of love Maybe the broken ones are put together by love 3
COIN GAME Let's play a coin game Heads - you love me Tails - I love you too We are coined together 4
THIS WOMAN This woman will make you believe in the creator In fact, she is a co-creator This woman will create moments of love and memories with you She will show you her curves and the stretch marks that lighten and highlight themselves on her skin and you'll believe it's only a god who could have such creativity One of carefully placing even lines on each side She's not a good mathematician but woman can draw arcs and bring some to life With some, she'll bring forth life This woman will make you become a student You will often have to learn about her body, her life, her wants She'll teach you about yours too Like the feeling of her nails tenderly running down your back and her tongue on your inner upper arm This woman will breathe into your pores and you will have life Your hair will rise This woman will make you fold your toes and recite poems on what she makes you feel You will call out her name like you need it to save your life She'll make you a high priest in her temple - her body In it you will worship You'll sing songs of praise You'll make sacrifices 5
Time, money, relationships, You'll guard the temple doors You'll be a jealous high priest You'll clean up her temple This woman will be there in your future She will help you see it Or figure it out This woman will make you nice chapatis She'll feed you well Your heart will be full This woman will make you glorify mornings You'll wake up with enough motivation to beat the day This woman will make you believe in the creator She will make you know that both of you are co-creators with the creator Who can come up with an idea of creating such gifts? Who? Who can make fantasy real? This woman will love you without an “if” 6
SMALL GREEN LEAVES The rain has been falling in the last couple of days washing away every incomplete feeling The cut tree is sprouting The small green leaves can already tell where the sun rises from I don't know if you are a farmer but your tender heart has made another sprout I have been to distant places to see expected dreams come true But not a wish! You are the first! I'm a dreamer Most times I don't wish for something I dream of it then wake up and work to see it in reality This takes me back to that Starbucks at Hamad I had a list of wishes down but that's all they were till the rains begun I'm not used to good surprises but after this one I swear I want more! No. Wait, I'm content You are enough You are, Qui I've not seen myself this bubbly in a long time I can't believe I was talking to my self the other day This feels like autumn I’m teaching myself to forget and to live in the present praying that tomorrow keeps you here 7
I don’t know if this is where you belong I feel like this is where you have always been Even in your absence! You are an imperfection I can handle and I think love comes in the end I heard things work out in the end From whichever end, I'm ready to push the curtain A step at a second as the show begins Don't put your best foot forward in case the Lord directs Just be you, If anything, be Qui I don’t know much, but I know I care When I saw you the other day and when you rose to show me how high we’re supposed to be I saw heavens open to send down wings. Just two To make sure we fly together realizing every wing is important and one cannot fly on its own! Trust me, There's everything Then there's sleeping knowing that you might be crossing someone else's mind in that same way they've been crossing yours 8
THOUGHTS OF YOU I saw you today You looked like everything I ever wanted And more! I swear I wanted you to stay a little bit longer There's just something you do to my mood Like I said, I love how fate is overworking herself in my life lately Damn! I was so tired of carrying myself Then God sent you No He first sent the rain that trapped us under a roof A roof that initiated a conversation A conversation that led to me To you To us To life To see how bones have their life back Have you not heard of what God did to the dry bones? He gave me life! Now I'm dancing The lyrics are old The mellows too The steps are easy But you- You are everything I prayed for 9
You are a firestone I would rather chain on my neck walk with in the darkness than light it up and have to deal with the furnace! 10
I FOUND A STAR IN DIRTY WATER My mother has been constantly reminding me that when you fall, you get up, wipe off the dust and move on Most times I get up but before I can move on, I miss the smell of the ground we were standing on before falling Oftentimes I prefer laying on that ground Until the other sunset when she pulled out a black mini for me, insisted that I should catch up with life She made my eyebrows and told me to tell her how it goes It rained that evening I remember running in heels to a meeting with intentions of having my heart grabbed and repositioned At least it went well I didn’t overdress for it I only had my eyebrows done After the food, my lipstick was a shade Then one thing led to another I'm dancing on an old floor with new unfamiliar faces There's just me and my phone Everything else is new and if you know me You know in such an environment I don't care I saw you but that was all, until you said hi Then fate took over You held my hand I couldn't look at your face 11
It's 3 We’re still seated in the cold past 4 Mosquitoes have had enough of my blood We’re too deep into the conversation In my head, I love how much fate has been over working herself in my life lately We’re talking I'm lying next to you fighting to keep my chest in control After a minor asthma attack, you tense but I got this You don’t know much about me By the time the sun is up you'll know my shades You’re stretching your hand I wake up from time to time To confirm it’s you Soon I’ll be on heels to my hideout balancing my ass and my fantasies on 3 inches trying to outweigh the fact that I don’t know you yet but keeping in mind every second of every minute you spoke It felt like I'd known you since my mama and I left Nyahururu to find life in the city Days after It's 3:33AM I’m writing about everything I've been thinking about and everything is you! My biggest worry is why you’re not the same person I see in my dreams That person has a familiar face 12
A face that reminds me of how incomplete I am But your face Your face reminds me that you loved my strange raw self at its worst Give me your keys I've got locks to safeguard this feelings I found star fish in dirty water Just when I was tired of animals 13
MY VASE You are my vase You've held me through those cold nights and dark mornings You know it when I go bad You know my thorns but still, you choose to show my petals on a daily You are my vase One I perfectly fit in Your arms Your arms, poet Your arms! You light up my mood I electrify your energy Them stretch marks bounce back to the beat of our favorite rhythm We are in sync I love feeling everything you make me feel My crushes almost look like you None is you I'll take you back on the island far East and have ice cream and chips at Forodhani cuddle in Jambiani and have cocktails in Livingstone Then I'll show you my new stretch marks I might force you to feel them or to take pictures of my back Who knows? 14
FALL IN LOVE I’ve been walking around with books hoping to bump into you then drop them and as we pick them our eyes will meet I'll tell you why I wrote each of them If you're lucky I'll love you like I love the new one Broken Vase I’ve got lines, you know My hills of Murang'a got lightning ones Want to see? 15
SAME ROOF, DIFFERENT ROOM I once fell in love with my next door neighbor He had to move out It was more like living together Not in the same room but under the same roof I think he moved out and moved on We no longer talk Maybe he fell in love with the new next door neighbor 16
SOME FIXING The toughest point I've been in is wishing everyone else was fine then I'd get some help Some fixing 17
WHO KNOWS A PROPHET? If a photographer was to capture me in my low moments, I'd probably be smiling or laughing Just like I've been laughing out my depressing moments Damn Life has been playing tricks on me so bad that my crush told me my life is fucked up I’ve got so much going on I was supposed to slow it down But I'm on an electric train that won't let me take a break to sit and think about these mistakes I've been making lately I think I'm depressed or stressed or losing it I know I had recently lost my memory and my mind I'm told it was a tough time for everyone else I don't know Nothing about that time rings in my head Sadly I kind of want that state at times These thoughts will be the end of me I've constantly been thinking about suicide The only problem about it is that I know I'm not strong enough to do it I've tried it six times before I just couldn't do it At that time you start thinking maybe things will get better The sad part is sometimes things get worse Who knows any prophet? I want to look into the future and see what it holds If the future holds the present I'm better off silent 18
You could type hope a million times I lost that about 10 months ago Loneliness and I have been in a relationship in the last 10 months He doesn't leave my side and it’s not like I enjoy his company He just kind of happens to love me A lot! He sticks around We don't talk much He just offers a shoulder for me to cry on His shoulders are always wet considering the task they are put to I think I need a break from everything If I had the money I'd visit the Mara just to go watch how the wild is free Maybe I need to be a little wild Maybe that will make me free I don't like my life right now If I had the guts, I'd skip pages or change the book I've been talking to God He's still silent So now I wait for fate to do its thing Not because I have any other option 19
SCAR YEAR Maybe it’s a scar year I don't know It began with me trying to figure out who I am Rather, who I've always been and who I want to be It began on the down low I cried pretty much all January The scars on my face reminded me of my pain every time I looked at my face I was trying to understand life Talking about life, I was slowly dying with my depression yet life was growing inside of me You don't want to imagine the confusion It's relatively been a hard one for me especially being forced to silently wail and deal with every challenge that comes with new life Swelling in silence Growing in silence Throwing up in silence Gaining weight in silence Living in silence Dying in silence Then after moons of silence She was ready to meet me It took a whole three days of endless pain That left me under the knife in the theater Six injections on my lower back Three on my right arm A frozen body 20
I couldn't feel my legs They had trouble pulling her out Finally they did and she cried like she wanted to stay in there for a long time A really long time! Then an entire eight days in hospital It took another 10 injections before I could walk She She just sleeps beside me expecting that I should always respond to her needs Never mind I'm in pain She came Yes she did She came with a scar, too One that I still can't see but one that hurts bad enough to trust it exists even before I can see it Someone push time We need to end this scar year already 21
TIDES My what I'd call \"friends\" have been on the side talking Some going as far as texting me to confirm a rumor they've heard The guts! Did the rumor indicate I was slowly dying in pain? If it did then rest assured it's true They've pretty much been talking about what they know not I guess it happens especially when you choose to blow your beans On the other hand, the ones you expected to count on are counting on you to stop texting them I guess it happens In your low tides no one wants to swim with you but this is a mighty ocean The tide will soon change My daughter's passport is due Soon we will be out writing and performing all the poems we've been picking in this low tides and in hospital beds This vase has a new kind of flower 22
HEY DAD Hey Dad, First, I'm sorry! In this letter, I will be weak I will be the weakest human being to ever to write You will not like my thoughts in this one Sorry I know we don't have weak conversations Maybe it’s because I don't like to show you that side of me but at this point I’ve got to Dad, I've made mistakes that I don't want to correct Your silence has constantly made me look for you in human beings They said you were in each one of us They lied, Dad You aren’t Unless I've been hanging out with aliens Last we spoke, I sat by the ocean and you promised to see me through You promised conversations but you've not been talking It's breaking, dad, things are falling apart My spirit is growing weaker and I hate how social media is painting a perfect picture carrying with it my image scrapping out the faults 23
Dad, they keep going away I'm losing too many and the frustration is causing more damage I'm starting to consider being hardheaded and selfish It just might work I don’t know, you tell me Is it wise to keep them around knowing they will one day leave? Tell me, I'm growing weak The ocean swept Wa Ceddy away Ceddy is far off in the east and Kamande is living his life I am still wasting my money in restaurants to avoid the loneliness in my house Daddy, I tried to look for family in people but everyone has an expectation I can't meet What do I do, daddy? I don't want to be lonely I hate being lonely! It took a lifetime to know who I am and what I want How do I now drop all that? Would you? Hey, we are talking! Say something! Are you listening? Is this a conversation or I'm I speaking to myself? Daddy, will you still stay quiet? Did I wrong you, too? 24
In case you won't speak, just hold my hand then I'm getting really cold and weak I don't want to meet you soon Kids look up to me They live in the reality of my dreams I swear, I don't want to do this I never liked flowers Last time I saw dry wreaths they looked ugly Help me get through this I'm weak, do you see me? Daddy, do you see me? 25
THE FIRST TIME The first time I wanted to die, I wanted to hurt people People close to me The second time I wanted to die, I wanted to hurt myself The third time I wanted to die, I was angry The fourth time I wanted to die, I felt nonexistent The fifth time I wanted to die, I was depressed The sixth time I wanted to die, It was because all the other five never worked out Now, I want to live not because I love life but because I'm giving life a chance I can't take chances I'm not sure there's the other side I can't confirm If you can, send me a text when you get there I'll be here and alive Not to mean I must be breathing That don't mean I'm living but I'll be here Whether ash or flesh, I'll be here To see my dreams come true 26
FIGURING ME OUT I've got so many stories I want to tell I’m just scared because most come from the corners of my heart where I'm afraid to keep remembering how to get back there Nina uoga zingine zitacheza viral na simu yangu itacheza ringtone kama mix ya Demakufu Calls will be long, friends will ask why I never shared stuff in the past (Especially the ones that don't read my poems) Matha atauliza kama ni creativity ama ni vitu zimehappen. Naweza kosa jibu Shosho anaweza piga pia Na yeye huuliza, \"Nilikuwa napiga tu nijue kama uko sawa. Uko sawa?\" Jibu itakua \"Ndio\" Sitaki ku-think of yeye akipata sukari na mawazo Last time I nearly died, she cried at the hospital. I heard her ask God why my life is a difficult one I actually don't think it's a difficult one I just think it’s not an easy one Trust me kuna story nataka ku-tell Fear ni ati naweza kosa kuweka fiction ndani Ita-feel fiti kufungua kichwa yangu na ku-share thoughts But hutaki ku-imagine stress hunichapa nikiona mimi hujiandika kwa blogs kama gospel ya resurrection Kuna thoughts nataka ku-share Time nitashare ndio siko sure Language nitatumia siijui poa 27
Nataka kubonga kuhusu siku nliamka three quarter ya uso ikiwa pink Kuhusu siku niliona nikijiandaa nikarangwe na mafuta foreign Kuhusu vile mi huogopa kesho Sijui hio mlango next nikifungua nini itatoka Kuhusu vile mende zimenisumbua kwa keja Kuhusu day niliambiwa akili yangu ilikuwa sick for 21 nights Kuhusu time nilipewa 6-9 months kupona kichwa fiti Kuhusu day nilishikia mzee kisu Nataka kubonga tu Kutell story juu wazazi walikuwa wanazi-tell siku hizi wako faster kushika watoto na WhatsApp status Nataka ku-tell Language ndio inaniangusha Fear ya kuongea tu Pain ya kuandika gospel na sijui wafuasi I just want to tell stories It scares me that they may only be about me Yet, I'm still trying to figure me out 28
WHY? I don’t know how to put this in words But I'll try I’ve been out here stuck on, \"Why is this happening?\" \"What's up with me and accidents?\" \"Can I run back into the past?\" At least to collect my body and fix it into the future Can I? This new me is giving me a hell of a time I wish I was burning junk fat Maybe that would be a lot easier I’ve got five fitness apps, two work out routines twice a day and I still lose a gram a day Sleep has become a luxury I can't afford I'm writing this at 2AM, you can confirm I'm “rest broke” The future is scary I hate to think about the loneliness in it Everyone I've shared this fear with uses this line intending to calm me down \"Thank God you have a baby. Unajua ni wangapi wanatafuta?\" I just wanna shout, \"Shut up!\" Making me feel I'm blessed because others are not doesn't bring down my anxiety 29
It doesn't raise my esteem either I wish it helped me lose weight to begin with With that, I die in my anxiety and fear because the next person will use that line of thought I'm better off silent, writing poems and finishing my third book Which you should read, by the way My little human thinks I'm a super woman It’s the facemask I've got on around her She's pretty, No. She's beautiful She looks a lot like what I used to be before her Can I tell you a sad story? Okay, cool I told someone I like them back They said, \"But you have a baby\" I shut up I think these people have an idea that when you conceive, your heart moves to the placenta and you therefore lose it at birth 30
WANTED NEED I want her to know me I just don't want her to know everything about me Like how anxious I was when she was brought to me I wasn't ready to hold her I wasn't sure about this whole new title I was okay with the responsibilities just not the new title and the change I hate to say it, But at that moment I didn't want them to bring her I was anxious, not ready and weak you'd think it was surrogacy where you carry the baby but you know it's not yours I wasn't ready to hold her Finally the nurse handed her to the father then to me I bet she saw it in my eyes I wasn't ready She'd cry and I'd die inside confused and lost After a lullaby, I'd run to the washroom and cry my heart out I wasn't ready Then one time I remembered the dreams I have and the lessons she has taught me I did not feel ready for her but I needed these lessons so bad She has pushed me towards my dreams and put me in that direction My distraction already cancelled me Now it's me, her or my work, dream, goals 31
I did not want her I needed her There's a difference between needs and wants You can do without the wants Needs are things you can't I don't want her to know she wasn't wanted at that time I want her to know she's forever needed, important and special She pushed me towards my goals I'm her momma but she's my teacher She has taught me patience and persistence She's taught me to look at the world from so many angles She's taught me how to grow into love She's everything I need/ed I still don't want her to know about my fear that day But I want her to read this poem and know that I need her to keep teaching me about love and to know that I this vase had to break with a cut and back injections Life found its way out of mine Her life She's my life My flower My baby 32
FLING WITH THE SKY The sky said hi It knows me We've met I visited it on several occasions I miss the comfort in its home and the struggle that comes with opening its doors 33
GOLDEN CRACKS Stitched up in words, in stories, in the future Stitched up in rhymes that talk of real life A broken vase with golden cracks 34
STILL TRYING TO Hey, I don't win everyday I don't even win as often as others on this app I work my whole life off to win Under the shades of my wins is a little girl with barely any certificates that thinks her stories could win the world over Sometimes I think I should be a better person Have a better body Have better grades Go to a good school Take better pictures Write better Have better accounts and money balances I sometimes live with the idea that every day I should be a better person You don't even want to know how discontent I am I also forget my wins so fast Sometimes I want to fake it so bad to entertain my fans, stalkers or whatever you want to call them Don't even think of the times I've thought of shutting down my social media accounts People appear to be over winning on these platforms while I'm here saving for my next tour with the coins I make from selling books I'm thinking about the entry fee to Rice University Damn I want to study journalism but I failed in one of my languages Okay Maybe I could be a producer instead I don't know. 35
Now there's just me and these cockroaches in my house These folks never leave my side Regardless of the \"Dawa ya Mende\" I've bought in this studio apartment I'm also trying to figure out if someone is concerned about my silence I'm just trying to say I've not been silent It's just that there has been no wins in recent months I could talk about how I beat a brain disease But you'll think I have a mental issue so I'll stay quiet for now I know I’ve said lot of things Just carry home “I don't win everyday” If I did, You'd not think I've grown silent I'm still trying to put my broken pieces together And every time I think I've put together every piece I realize how much those broken pieces have cut me I end up dropping them A few sunsets after, I recollect them 36
DANCE AGAIN I swear sometimes I want to go back and recollect every memory and live in it Sometimes I want to fly back to every open space and feel alive! Am I the only one who wants to dance again for the first time on this familiar ground? Have you chewed your feelings before? Have you traveled so far that after the engine is broken, you break your back trying to crawl to the end? The end that sets off a beginning The end that gives life I'm crawling, but on my own! There comes a time where, you’ve got to stand in for each other! That has been the season but this winter has been here for too long. Now, I'd rather have bad times with you than good times far from me and mine. I want to go back to yesterday, see myself mix a smile and a frown and laugh my life to sleep Definitely changed and not the same, but new, happy, changed and with you! I want to go back to yesterday that I might live through today Trusting you will be in my tomorrow 37
CHRISTMAS IS CLOUDS AWAY She asked me what Christmas is I took time thinking for a while then said \"To others it's a celebration of the Messiah To some it's holidays from work To some it’s shopping To some it’s good food To some it’s travel, vacays and trips But for me, Christmas is family. The Season where we all meet up at my grandparents’ house Each of us with their shopping bags The time we walk bare feet upcountry Get over our phones for a moment The time we care not about make up Or good dresses The times when my grandma talks from morning Till after every one is dead asleep. That's Christmas to me.\" She turned to the side I’m sure she knew we were not gonna have Christmas this year Or in the years to come. Christmas was oceans away 38
LIFE IN LIVING I have found satisfaction in Words I have discovered my strength in the art of putting words together I have found myself in my stories I have found happiness in poetry In stages In pictures In people’s eyes In feelings In Thoughts In Writings In late night conversations In rehearsals In beads In artworks In fabric In metal canvasses In black lipstick In Fanta orange In Random kisses In a person In a Stom In drops of rain In the smell of the ground In flights In little wins In victory In foreign accents In foreign foods In life! I have found Life in living since I started writing! 39
CRACKS This vase is on the edge of the table The flowers look amazing in it It's an expensive one It has fallen many times before but never got broken Its owner trusts what it's made of So it being on the edge doesn't scare her much It's been there before, fell and never got broken - at least not into pieces It's got cracks A few of them Cracks that remind it of how strong it is How much it's been through How many times it's fallen How it has contained beautiful flowers And helped its owner create beauty She welcomes her visitors to the dining table and often talks about where she got it Talks about those past 22 years of how this vase had brightened her mood She reminds me of my mother How quick she is to tell her chamaa friends about my small wins She hands them my books Not that any of them cares to read my poems Never mind they have that chance for free My momma treats me like her vase Sometimes I'm at the edge of the table and she knows it, yet won't hold on to me because she knows what I'm made of 40
She knows I've got cracks She also knows that those are supposed to be my life lessons Or reminders of life lessons, rather She knows I fall She also knows that after each fall I rise I write poems I tell stories Perform in distant lands Learn life’s lessons and live She is a super woman One that understands that I have a life of my own She knows I love flowers and every time she gets me some new ones She expects a book from this broken vase 41
HER EYES You held me You were my voice when my world folded itself in silence You took care of me We've got some ugly selfies with beautiful stories We've got us Her I see you in her eyes Assurance that I'll never stop seeing you 42
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