You Can Be Free Indeed

You Can Be Free Indeed A personal testimony

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Preface The focus of this testimony is God’s goodness and His faithfulness rather than Satan’s badness and humanity’s unfaithfulness. I don’t want to glorify the enemy of souls in any way. Nor sin. Nor myself. Just our Savior. As you read, you may find similarities in your life — the ways that evil has “tried” to destroy you too. It obviously hasn’t destroyed either one of us. Glory to God. Or you might think, “That could never happen to me. I would never be deceived like that.” I thought so too.

About the Cover The title “You Can Be Free Indeed” was chosen because, as humans, we often find ourselves in some form of imprisonment. Perhaps not “arrested” and locked behind bars in a cold jail cell. And probably not literally bound in shackles. But somehow not being “fully free” — due to poor choices. However, You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. (John 8:32) If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed. (John 8:36)

For years, I’ve been reluctant to share my testimony — mostly because of certain parts of it that I simply didn’t want anyone to know about. (You’ll soon understand the hesitancy.) But my silence was based on fear. Perhaps fear of rejection if I dared to tell the story? Pride was certainly a silencing factor as well. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit patiently impressed me to put aside both fear and pride so that others could be warned. This quote from The Upward Look devotional confirmed it: When one deviates from the right way, the Holy Spirit, working on his mind, leads him to confess his error so that others will be warned against the same mistake. The devil continued whispering that I should keep my testimony to myself — like why risk embarrassment when people already know the principles? Then I was reminded by the Lord that I too knew of the principles, but still slipped on the proverbial banana peel. So, I must share, since we’re in the same war with the same enemy.

That old serpent, called the devil and Satan, uses in this modern era some of the same tools of temptation that have been used since the Garden of Eden, including curiosity, flattery, and doubt. And, of course, the easy ones are fear and pride. Sound familiar? Different lures and traps are used, depending on the persons and situations. He knows our weaknesses. The question is: Do we? Jesus indeed spares us from many snares that we don’t even know that we’re approaching … or already in. Before becoming a born-again Christian at age 25, I didn’t know that I was ensnared. I was just living the average North American life, doing what the world tells us is normal. I had attended Sunday School classes as a little girl and had great respect for God. Around age 12, however, though I still loved God, we didn’t attend church as much — mostly just on Christmas, Easter, weddings, and funerals. Though I learned the story of Jesus, I considered myself a basically “good kid,” not much of a sinner in need of a Savior. I had peace, but it was a false peace — the kind that comes when we’re no threat to the enemy, when we have “false freedom.” The devil was pulling me away from God, in several directions with several distractions — common methods, not necessarily unique to my life.

One distraction was through performance. Starting dance classes at the age of 3 certainly developed discipline. But unfortunately, dancing also developed pride. I became addicted to the applause. Like most children, I was also dazzled by Disney — especially the story of Cinderella. I wanted to be a princess. (Or at least look like one and be loved like one.) It wasn’t common knowledge back then that Disney is from the darkside. Some say that the three 6s in the Disney logo are a coincidence. But many say otherwise. And what about the letter “S” in Disney looking like a coiled snake? Another coincidence? (I mention it because Disney played a role in the spiritual attack.) A major way that the devil tried to keep me from God was through secular music. Vinyl records were in abundance (on 45s, 33s, and even 78s). Later, cassettes and 8-track tapes would replace the broken records. But nothing will replace the wasted time. As a child, when I should have been playing outside, getting sunshine and semi-fresh air, I would listen to music for hours and hours, sometimes adding secular words to worldly instrumentals, further opening my mind to the darkside, and even serving him, without knowing it. As Heaven’s former choir director, Satan knows music and how to use it to manipulate us. Another addiction was sugar. Conveniently, for the enemy, right down the road from my childhood home was a candy store where I spent too much of my leftover lunch money on empty calories.

I later became addicted to chocolate — and had no intention of ever becoming “cured” from that addiction. Television was another trap. I watched way too much of it. Again, hours and hours were spent. Back in the 1960s and ‘70s, the programs weren’t as openly wicked as they are now; some shows did teach some values. But it was still fiction; it was still acting; and it solicited admiration of the actors. And too much time was spent in movie theaters, paying money to watch actors on a bigger screen. The devil (the first liar, the first actor) whispered to my young mind that I could find significance by being on those screens (either the small ones, the big ones, or both). He arranged for me to be in my first play when I was 10 years old. A young boy who had a much bigger role in the play later became a major movie star. I don’t need to mention his name, to glorify Hollywood. But just to say, that it was a real struggle back then. I wondered, “Why him? Why did he become a star and not me?” Of course, now I’m SO grateful that it wasn’t me. Broadway or Hollywood would have destroyed me. We know that choosing Christ is the real success in life. But I wasn’t a Christian then, yet. So, I kept acting. I later was in high school plays, and studied Theater in College, with big plans to “be discovered.”

By no coincidence, the statue that movie stars get — the Oscar for being the most convincing liar — looks like the “image of gold” that was worshiped in Daniel Chapter 3. And the Kodak Theatre entrance where, for years, the Academy Awards were held is a replica of Babylon’s Ishtar gate. Hollywood knows that it’s serving Satan. The enemy also lured me into astrology — reading my horoscope. I believed in reincarnation! And also palm reading! (I didn’t know then that those things were from the darkside. I thought they were “enlightened” teachings from Heaven.) Thankfully, the Lord rescued me from all of it before I got too deep into it. During high school days, another lure was a more serious study of ballet. My mother enrolled me in classes at the Dayton Ballet Company. I had to squeeze my feet into pointe shoes, with hard boxes around the toes. Very uncomfortable. And not easy. Again, the dance classes developed more than discipline. Pride was squelched a little, however, by the fact that I didn’t naturally have a waif-like ballerina body. That was Satan’s opportunity. So, at another dance company, one of my very-thin instructors told us students that we each had to lose at least 5 pounds for an upcoming performance. Weekly weigh-ins began, to see if we had lost or gained weight. But the Monday scale revealed what was eaten over the weekends.

Our instructor was not amused. Her disapproval prompted some of us to start dieting intensely. Some of us managed to lose the 5 pounds. But not in a healthful way. And a couple of us kept losing more. Two of us (that I know of) developed anorexia nervosa — eating way too little and exercising way too much. If the enemy can’t use our weaknesses against us, he uses our strong points (including the ability to control appetite). One day in that class, I was frail and weak, after losing about 15 pounds by skipping meals, and our instructor whispered to me: “You’re starting to look good; keep up the good work.” I was a mid-teen people-pleaser. So, what do you think I did? I kept up “the good work.” For another few years! I obviously ate SOME food during those years, or I would have died; but it was sometimes just enough to stay alive. . At first, the diet was about losing weight. But later it was about remaining in control of something. Anything! Eating disorders are most often found in teens, who are no longer children, but not yet adults, so they feel like they don’t have any control except for what they put in their mouth … or not. Surviving anorexia is truly a miracle. Many die from it. I’m so thankful for God’s healing.

While still struggling with it, in the Summer before my senior year in high school, a pageant recruiter came up to me and asked, “How would you like to be Miss America?” I was “flattered” of course. (Recognize the enemy’s tool?) I might have thought, “Well, it’s close to being like a princess.” (Though Prince Charming wouldn’t soon be involved, since the actual title is “Miss” America, not “Mrs.”) I was only 16, so I had to ask my parents. They agreed; so the pagaent process began. Even just being asked made my head start (or continue) to swell. My grades began to suffer, because I figured Miss America wouldn’t need things like Calculus and World History. Well, I didn’t make it to the Miss America pageant, not even to Miss Ohio, because I didn’t even win the crown of “Miss Town.” Years later, after seeing Christ’s crown of thorns that He wore while dying for our sins, I realized that I had no need (and no right) for a glittery rhinestone crown. “Losing” was actually a blessing. Not becoming a pageant winner was God’s mercy, to humble me and put me on a better path. But the enemy didn’t like that idea. So, he increased the peer pressure.

I was the youngest student in my public high school class, so I had already been exposed to temptations even sooner than “normal.” My older teenage friends got me into drinking when I was 15. At 17, a boyfriend convinced me to try pot. Thankfully, I only smoked cigarettes for about a month, and marijuana was only tried a few times. I didn’t get addicted to either one, praise God. Unfortunately, the social drinking continued into adulthood. After high school, the enemy arranged for a job at an amusement park. The job was magician’s assistant. I thought it was really cool at the time, but I shudder to think of it now. Thankfully, God didn’t give up on His goal of saving me — both from the magic show and from anorexia. In early 1983, God strongly impressed me that I would die if I didn’t start eating well. That’s when I became a vegetarian, at age 19. It was partly due to not wanting to eat dead animals, but partly due to my stomach having shrunk so small (and my digestion having been affected by limited eating) that I couldn’t eat heavy foods, like meat. Back then, vegetarian options were limited when going out to restaurants. At home, I ate what was convenient. And that was usually found in a box, a bag, or a fast-food drive-through. So, I was basically a “junk-food vegetarian,” thinking I was doing okay as long as I wasn’t eating animals.

Then came the punk era during my university years. I had a bleached-blonde punk haircut, dangling earrings, bright blue eyeshadow, purple lipstick, spike heels, etc. That was the unconverted mode I was in when meeting a Muslim man in 1984. He was not a practicing Muslim then, for he had come to the wild United States for university study and was experimenting with some of the things that Islam prohibits, like smoking and drinking. We dated for about a year and a half, breaking up 3 times during those 18 months. Ironically, a Justice of the Peace didn’t bring us peace. We split in 1989. It’s a long story. And I’ll spare you the details. But I’m 99% sure, based on several of those details, that the foreigner just wanted a green card. I should leave it at that. However, God can turn anything around for the good, right? It was in recovering from that horrible deception that the Holy Spirit guided me back to God. He was leading every step of the way. I started going to church again, back to the Episcopal church at first, then later attended a Baptist church for about 5 years. I also got a job at a local Christian radio station, as a weekend DJ, playing Christian Contemporary Music — the same beats that I’d formerly danced to … just with “Christian” lyrics. That music was just one more thing that the enemy put a “Christian” label on to make questionable activities seem okay during my walk as a baby Christian.

Satan also introduced me to “Christian anorexia” — starvation mode disguised as spiritual fasting. Long-term fasting. It was usually during Lent that Catholics and Episcopalians observe — the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. Does “40 days” sound familiar? Isn’t that how long Jesus fasted? Practicing Lent was a “counterfeit temperance” — only a temporary change in behavior. And perhaps a poor attempt at becoming one’s own Savior? The enemy further tried to get me on his side when he made sure that I learned about a film that was going to be made locally in Dayton, OH. Anyone in the area who wanted to be an unpaid extra could just show up on the first day. Many of us who came there spent about 14 hours that day, just as townspeople walking around in several scenes in the city. But after all the editing, I was in the movie for about 2 (maybe 3?) seconds. And not even my face, just one back in a crowd of people. I thought, this is not a career; this is a waste of time. So, God was gently weaning me from that childish goal. Thankfully, God doesn’t let all our childhood dreams come true, Amen? He knows many of those dreams would turn out to be living nightmares. Or even kill us. The Lord was really showing me His love and grace. And He was about to show me the Truth.

At one of my 3 part-time jobs is where I met an Adventist couple. One day was pivotal — that couple invited me to a Bible Study at their home. After hearing some things that were contrary to what I was taught in Sunday churches, I wondered how these Adventist people could be so nice but so wrong. (Because I knew we both couldn’t be right, and I figured I wasn’t the one who was wrong!) It took 6 years for me to finally embrace the Truth that I’d been searching for, for so long (because my pride was keeping me from accepting the fact that I had formerly accepted error). But that’s a good thing to remember when reaching out to others: We might not readily see the changes that are happening in their hearts and minds. But changes are usually happening. The faithful friendship evangelism of those Adventists during those years, was instrumental in my conversion. It was Net ‘96 with Mark Finley that won me over biblically. The truth was so clear.

Praise God, the truth changed my life and my career. I was led to leave the non-SDA radio job because many unbiblical statements were being sent over the airwaves in those mainstream programs that my finger had just pressed the play button on the board, to air to the listeners. I was convicted that I could not, in good conscience, continue allowing the devil to use any of my fingers to help him spread lies. That was a major test, because I really enjoyed that job. But the Holy Spirit strengthened me to choose God over a job. So, I became a member of the Seventh-day Adventist church through baptism in 1997 then signed up to be a missionary through the General Conference. I was sent to Guam in ‘98 and worked there for 3 years in a couple different ministries — including radio. Isn’t God amazing? In 2001, I came back to the States and worked in a couple other Adventist media ministries but was being shown that my motives weren’t exactly pure. I was horrified when I realized that I was more intrigued with seeing myself on the screen or my name in the credits than I was about the results of those programs in the lives of others. I knew I had to leave the spotlight.

But “wherever you go, there you are.” Changing my location and vocation wasn’t the answer. My heart was what needed to change. In 2003, I was led to throw my television in the trash. It was just one of the major steps on a better journey. The Holy Spirit then impressed me to study medical missionary work so I could serve God more humbly, not in the limelight, but in the footsteps of Christ. I went to Wildwood in 2004 and took the Health Evangelism course, then stayed and worked. My life was being brought into balance. I was living a very different life. And the devil was again very angry. “A warfare may be expected at any time, for the tempter sees that he is losing one of his subjects.” (Bible Commentary, vol. 6) The devil really wanted to get me out of Christ’s toolbox and back into his. And what better way to regain control of our minds than through secular music. So, he lured me into buying a Carpenter’s Greatest Hits CD. He convinced me it was harmless.

But after listening to it (right there in my Wildwood apartment), I was strongly impressed by the Lord that I needed to throw the CD away. That wasn’t an easy decision, since I’d just paid good money for it. Couldn’t I just keep it? Maybe in a closet or drawer somewhere? No. For it was an entering wedge — something from the darkside in my home that was allowing the darkside to enter my home. After throwing it away, there wasn’t anything in my home to give the enemy access to my mind. So, how could he trap me? Well, first he had to weaken me. It’s easier to trap us when we’re weak or sick, right? It was in the time of greatest weakness that Christ was assailed by the fiercest temptations. (Desire of Ages, pg. 120) The plan that Satan devised to weaken me was quite cruel. A car-flip accident in 2010 resulted in some serious internal damage. Still feeling ill after 8 months, an endoscopy revealed several things going on intestinally, including gastroparesis, where the stomach is temporarily paralyzed. So, I had to puree much of my food. After about 2 years, weakened by feeling sick for so long, and malnourished from limited meal options, I wasn’t up for swimming “upstream.” I just wanted to retire.

The devil soon sent what appeared to be a knight in shining armor, to whisk me off my feet and take care of me — and allow me to “rest.” That was just another counterfeit. For we know that Jesus is our Rescuer … and our supreme Source of rest. Sending someone back into my life from my old life was a really big trap to try to get me to return to my old life, like “returning to Egypt.” So, even though I had had my “Abraham experience” (laying something I loved on the altar of sacrifice), and passing other tests of obedience, I was about to face a more serious test … and not pass. It was Autumn of 2012. I was growing more every day in my Wildwood walk with the Lord. My life was very clean, but I was often attributing my “goodness” to me — self-righteousness — not accepting the fact that it was because I was holding Christ’s hand that my life was bearing any good fruit. I had to be shown the true condition of the human heart. And Google would play a part. One day, the thought came to my mind to Google the name of an old boyfriend. (Sometimes we’re arrogant enough to think that every thought that enters our mind is a “brilliant” one … or that it’s always Heaven-sent. But we have to test the spirits.) I assumed that the old boyfriend coming to mind was just “innocent” curiosity, so I typed his name in the search field. Satan

Be careful what you Google. It’s not just advertisers who are taking notes about how to entice and ensnare. I didn’t find anything about the old boyfriend online, so I didn’t think much of it — until about 2 months later when he contacted me! He had gotten my email address from one of our high school classmates. I thought it was Providential, since I’d just been looking for him. Being so flattered and so curious, I replied to the email. Interestingly, Genesis 49:17 states: Dan shall be a serpent by the way, an adder in the path, that biteth the horse’s heels, so that his rider shall fall backward. What do you think the old boyfriend’s name is? I didn’t see the connection until years later. It could be a coincidence; but I think the devil was laughing over that one. I thought that Dan coming back into my life was my “reward” for being so “good.” So, I was impressed to give him a chance. The door was open, just a crack. A friend likes to warn people, saying: “The devil has the skinniest toe.”

I now know that it was the enemy sending the old boyfriend. Thankfully, I wasn’t being “too” bad. But I wasn’t walking in all the precious light that we’ve been given, only some. I was practicing “situational ethics,” rationalizing that the end justifies the means — that compromising just a little here and a little there would have HUGE results, for the good, leading Dan to Truth and Light. But instead, lies were dragging me into darkness. It had been 30 years since we’d dated. And our lives had likely gone in different directions. So, I had to be sure that he was a born-again Christian. So, I asked. He replied that he is. I believed him. I wanted to be sure that he was a praying man. So, I asked that too. He answered, Yes, and that it was because of those prayers that he found me. I failed to ask him who he’d been praying to. Another way my heart was hooked was through pity — it was mistaken for love. Dan’s life hadn’t turned out as well as mine (and I felt a little responsible for that, having rejected his proposal after high school); so I felt sorry for him. Again, the enemy using against me potentially good qualities (like patience with others, and being accepting rather than rejecting).

The more successful tool that the enemy used was, again, music. After some initial emails back and forth, catching up, Dan asked me to listen to one song — “just one” — one of our old “love” songs from the 1970s. He emailed that the song lyrics would let his intentions be known. I knew better than to listen to secular music. But I’d forgotten some of the lyrics over those 30 years, so I was “curious” wondering what they said. (I could have just read the lyrics online. But I didn’t think hearing “just one” song would hurt. And I didn’t want Dan to think that his old classmate had become an old prude. So, I listened. And cried. And listened again, and cried some more. When I kept listening to the song, I started dancing — in my room at Wildwood, mind you! It was like the music was taking control, and I couldn’t stop. Dan lived about half a mile from my parents (which naturally solidified the belief that Heaven was orchestrating the reunion, bringing me back to be near Mom & Dad). When Dan invited himself down to Wildwood for a visit, I told him that I was a very different person than I was in our high school days, and so there couldn’t even be any hand holding. When he came to visit, he brought music CDs with him — the whole album from where that one song came from. The band’s name was “Bread.” It was a counterfeit to the Bread of Life.

While those songs were playing in Dan’s car, it was like being under a spell. My rational side knew I should tell him to turn it off. But I didn’t want to “turn him off” to me, so I let the songs play — thinking I could handle it, and that they wouldn’t affect me. During one song, he said that he knew he couldn’t hold my hand. And I thought, “How sweet, he’s respecting my new boundaries.” But, then he asked if he could just place his hand over mine — not touching, but hovering a few inches above. I didn’t want him to think I was so rigid that I wouldn’t even allow his hand to be anywhere near mine. So, I allowed it. As we listened to the song, I sorta closed my eyelids but could see in my peripheral vision that he was moving his hand like a wizard. He did it with such confidence, like it was a normal thing. In hindsight, I now know that something very dark was going on. The next night, I still had some presence of mind. So, I told him that we couldn’t continue seeing each other — that our lives were too different now and that it wouldn’t work. He pleaded that we could “make it work” — that our lives could “blend.” He clasped his hands together to illustrate the “blending.” He then asked me to do the same hand motion. Weary from the emotional roller coaster, I obliged.

I later learned that the hand-clasp request is a hypnosis technique. When I got out of the car, he quickly hopped out and came around to the passenger door. He asked me if he could at least have a goodbye hug, since we were never going to see each other again. Of course, what quickly came to my mind was the wise counsel from Ellen White about not allowing physical touch until couples are committed to each other. But I was worn down by the music and range of emotions (and I didn’t want Dan to feel totally rejected, that I wouldn’t even allow an innocent goodbye hug). So, similar to the “just one” song, I thought, “It’s just one hug. What will it hurt?” When I pulled away from the hug, he leaned toward me. I thought he was trying to steal a kiss, so I backed away further. But instead of kissing me, he got about 2 inches from my face and blew air into mouth. I thought, “Why did he do that?” Confused by the whole scene, I got in my car and drove away, crying. I was sobbing so hard the next day that I had trouble speaking. I now know that Dan had tried to breathe an unclean spirit into me. He had me listening to the counterfeit BREAD of life, then was trying to exhale into me the counterfeit BREATH of life.

And it was a mute spirit — I sometimes couldn’t say what I needed to say, mostly only what he wanted to hear. Including that I would give him another chance. It hurt me to hurt him. And I felt relief when I wasn’t rejecting him. So, I kept answering his emails, knowing it was wrong, but convinced that it would somehow turn out alright. During the next 5 months of emails, phone calls, and some more in-person visits, Dan was saying things that Satan knew I wanted to hear — including those 3 little words “I love you” (which anyone can say but not really mean, yes?) and that he’d been thinking about me almost every day for the past 30 years. Of course, that was flattering; but was it true? The hand-clasp would often be done. I would humor him by doing it back. Perhaps if there were no emotional ties with Dan, the techniques might not have worked — for I wouldn’t have been in a vulnerable, trusting mindset. But when people have a history together, their bond often overrides reason, causing us to ignore negative traits and even some serious red flags. My Adventist friends were reminding me of the verse about not being “unequally yoked” with unbelievers.

Now I know the correct definition of “unbeliever” — someone who’s not on the same spiritual page, someone who hasn’t accepted present truth. But back then I would rationalize that Dan’s not an “unbeliever” — he's a Christian! (kind of). And he’s certainly not going to become an Adventist if an Adventist dumps him! Bad theology. That theory kept me in my self-appointed mission assignment — a courtship with a potential Adventist. However, “Marriage is not a mission field.” A friend said it. And I heard it. But I didn’t heed it. Over the next several months, there was more music. It’s like opening the hood of a car and allowing mechanical tinkering. The enemy was the mind mechanic until my mind was not fully my own. I just didn’t know it then. That’s the thing: The enemy lets us think that we’re still in control, making our own decisions, when it’s sometimes him (or one of his cohorts) pulling the strings. The door was more than cracked; and Satan’s toehold had become a foothold. I actually didn’t really like Dan, but the heart-moving music caused me to feel like I was in love with him. And I liked that he liked me.

I wanted him to keep liking me: so, adult peer pressure caused me to make seemingly small compromises. It was “creeping compromise.” I was doing things that I didn't really like in order to make a person that I didn't really like, not stop liking me. One “innocent” TV show became more frequent and less innocent; one “family-friendly” movie led to some that were less friendly; one sporting event; one change in diet, one this, one that. I put tiny diamond earrings back in the holes; I added just a touch of lipstick, then a little rouge. My modest clothing gradually seemed too “frumpy.” So, my wardrobe choices became more “flattering.” Early on in our new courtship, he pulled a pendulum out and swung it in front of my eyes, saying something like, “You will love me. You will marry me. You will never leave me.” I thought he was just trying to be funny. So, I giggled. But it was no laughing matter. I knew it was wrong for someone to even own a pendulum, let alone swing it in front of someone’s eyes. But I must have thought it belonged to his teenage son or something? That was part of the problem — I kept giving him “the benefit of the doubt,” not wanting to believe that my former high school sweetheart could possibly have turned sour.

Little things would be said to indicate that I was definitely dealing with some evil entities. For example, while napping on Dan’s couch one day, I saw his hand form the sign of devil-horns, waving it over me. I was in such a hypnotic haze that I couldn’t say a word. I should have run out of the house that very second, but it was like being paralyzed. We tend to think that demonic attacks are mostly only in third-world countries, or out in the uncivilized “bush” somewhere. But no, it can happen anywhere — anywhere that there’s an open door. And how is the door opened? Through our senses and our wrong choices. Most people don’t choose to be hypnotized (unless they’ve paid a hypnotist to help them quit bad habits like smoking or drinking.) And some people say that Christians can’t be hypnotized. I used to think so too. And I still believe it’s true — but only if they’re fully linked with Christ are they protected from it. But when a Christian ventures off onto Satan’s playground, even temporarily letting go of Christ’s hand, he or she forfeits heavenly protection. When the Lord helped me to voice some serious concern that TV and movies weren’t “only entertainment” as Dan often stated, the truth began setting me free. I was able to break up with Dan soon after speaking that truth.

The darkside knew that they were losing their grip on me. So, an all-out attack was waged. By Valentine’s Day, the engagement was back on. About 3 weeks later, I woke up in Ohio, in my parents’ home near Dan’s, not remembering how I got there. I had recently escaped from there, so I was lying there thinking, ‘Why am I here again?’ When I started contemplating my next escape, a dark wave-like cloud came over me. Within seconds, I was stood up, and I started going about my day, like nothing was wrong. By that evening, we were standing at an altar in front of his preacher friend (also named Dan!). The face of my fiance looked very different — demonic. I now know that I was in a serious trance, that it wasn’t me who was speaking the vows. Regardless, I had a new last name. Within the very first week of “marriage,” the charade was over. Dan’s smiles turned to frowns; his fist was shaking in my face several times; he was swearing, even taking God’s name in vain. And this is perhaps the most frightening part. I was thrown to the floor a few times. But no one else was in the room (at least that I could see). Not even Dan. God helped me to see the terrible danger I was in. On Day 9, I cried, “Jesus, save me.”

That’s all I could say. Thankfully, it’s all that we need to say. On Day 10, out of the blue, Dan boasted of having hypnotic powers — the ability to put people out for half a day … and they wouldn’t know that any time had passed.. That was my guilt-free exit cue. I was on a bus back to Wildwood by that evening. After I explained to my supervisors what happened, they graciously accepted me back. Dan feigned forgiveness for my sudden departure, wanting to come to Georgia for a “visit.” The Holy Spirit strongly impressed me that such a visit could actually be deadly. So, I kept delaying. Finally, he filed for divorce, at my request. I simply couldn’t remain with a demonic man. And I believe that God doesn’t hold us accountable for vows that we didn’t actually make. I was naturally embarrassed that I had let myself get so duped. Later, I recalled Dan’s statement when I’d broken up with him in college. He said: “You’ll pay for this.” I certainly did. So, maybe he really had been thinking about me for 30 years. Plotting his revenge?

The experience brought the great controversy into clear view. It is real. And it is intense. It’s nothing to play around with. I’m actually grateful for the experience, for it has opened wide my eyes. It also helped me realize that I’m a sinner in need of a Savior — that I can’t be anyone’s savior, not even my own. The stark contrast between God and Satan has never been more clear. God never uses force to make us love Him. But we know that Satan does use force to try to get us back on his team. After the attack, I didn’t know who I could trust. Not my friends, not my co-workers, not even my family. Thankfully, I grew to trust Jesus more and more fully. Christ being victorious in my life, again, made Satan even more furious. So, he tormented me for months, telling me that my mistakes were too big for God to forgive, that I should just forget this whole purity path, the narrow way, and return to the broad way. It was such a dark phase that I wanted to die, and even prayed so. Thankfully, God doesn't answer every prayer with Yes. He impressed that wanting to die was a selfish thought, and that I needed to live and be one of God's tools for building His Kingdom and to warn others about Satan’s tactics.

That was a turning point. The Truth and the Holy Spirit’s impressions were stronger than the lies in Satan’s wicked whispers. The Scriptures brought a lot of comfort. This verse was one of my favorites: If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9) I was rebaptized in 2014, renewing my commitment to Jesus — the true Prince. So, the enemy sent anorexia back to haunt me. I lost weight — down to about 85 pounds. A male on the Wildwood campus had recently died from a wasting disease, some suspected anorexia. So, the leaders requested that I get medical help, specialized help beyond what they felt prepared to handle there. I was insulted and too proud to ask for such help — thinking that “I know everything that any health facility would tell me”… “I have the health message.” (I just wasn’t following it fully.) So, instead of getting medical help, my self-prescribed therapy was moving back to Texas and working full-time in radio again.

It took a couple years to recover from the brutal attack. After such a scary spiritual fall, one would think that I would never break even more rule for the rest of my life. But we’re good at convincing ourselves that certain rules don’t apply to us. So, there was indeed another fall — but a physical one. Just a quick explanation … I would sometimes do a silent “tisk tisk” of disapproval and would (hopefully inconspicuously) look down my nose at those who chose to look down at their phones while they walked. Then in 2017, I did the same thing … and thus broke my knee. I had just taken a picture on my phone and didn’t want to wait till I was stationary to look at it. Within seconds after looking down at the phone, I was flat on the sidewalk. I hadn’t seen the transparent office chair mat that the maintenance man had placed outside, temporarily. My foot got caught in one of its warped edges and there was no stopping the fall. It resulted in 2 weeks in an immobile brace and 5 weeks in a hinge brace. Physical therapy sessions and home exercises were painful. Shouldn’t I have just waited that one minute, to look at the picture?

My knee hasn't been the same since the fall. However, that’s perhaps Providential. For the occasional ache is my daily reminder that I’m not above the rules, even my own. Both physical and spiritual falls affect our walk. Right? But back to the spiritual fall … At first, it negatively affected my walk with God. I felt so separated from Him. But later, when I felt closer to Him than ever before, I never want to stray again. (Not that I’m encouraging anyone to sin so they can eventually be closer to God. But we can find comfort knowing that we have a merciful Redeemer.) Now that my life is back on track, I have TRUE peace and TRUE freedom. And God brought beauty out of the ashes — a ministry called Heaven & Health. Making warnings in the form of booklets, videos, and radio clips were part of my therapy after the attack and provided ample material for the ministry — hoping that many people would be warned and would not have to learn hard things “the hard way,” like I did. I don’t want to ever open the door to the devil’s skinny toe. I’m determined to not let any worldly things into my mind (especially rock music).

I don’t want to ever live in darkness … but in God’s light. Praise the Lord for being faithful even when we’re not. I want to honor Him as Savior and lead others to Him! I want to spare others from the snares of our enemy. Thankfully, the Lord allows us to see our weaknesses (and even the strengths that can be twisted into weaknesses). And thankfully we each have a Savior who is stronger than any foe. The enemy wants humans to think that we’re free in him, free from rules, and free to do as we please. But it’s only in Jesus Christ that we’re “free indeed.”

HeavenAndHealth.info