Chelm Stories Told By Fishl

Chelm’s Nronim and Noronim By Philip Fishl Kutner It had to happen sooner or later. It happened in The Case Before The Chelmer Gaon France with the Revolution and Napoleon. Later it happened in Russia with the Revolution and the Sooner or later it had to happen. As the overthrow of the Czar. The winds of change blew disagreements, name-calling and quarrels began to over the sleepy little shtetl of Chelm. escalate, unusual situations arose. First, Na Nar’s prize nanny (also called a doe) had a stillbirth with When Nar of the Yenemsville Yiddish Club of the her kid—this goat always gave birth to frolicking USA returned home and reported of the changes twin kids. that were occurring in Chelm the Yenemvillers were astonished. Here is what Nar told the Yiddish Second, one day there was a terrible storm and the Club. hail came down in pea-sized pellets. But the hail- stones that came down on Nu Norr’s house were Nar’s Report the size of walnuts and did much damage to Nu Norr’s house. It all started when Nachem Norr the Chelm shadkhn visited Lublin to find a match for the son Na blamed Nu for his nanny’s stillbirth and Nu of the Chelm vaser-treger. None of the fathers in blamed Na for the hailstorm damage. Na said that Chelm wanted the vaser treger’s son for a shidakh Nu went to the old witch who lived outside of with any of their daughters. So Nachem had to go town and that she cast an evil spell. Nu said that oysland. Na prayed in the synagogue that the Lord should punish Nu for his evil deed. When Nachem Norr returned from Lublin without a match (no Lubliner father would even think of If this was the only problem the Gaon would have such a match) he came back with a radio. And that easily dismissed the case as nonsense, but the was the start of the “two party system”. problem had escalated and divided the shtetl. The old-timers called themselves Naronim—the Na’s followers were the elderly, the wealthy followers of the ways of their grandfathers and landowners and the merchants. They were what their grandfathers’ grandfathers. Their spokesman we would call the Conservative element of society. was Na Nar. He was Nachem’s son and the Nu’s followers were the young people and the nephew of The Yenemsville’s Yiddish Club Nar. workers, the poor Chelm folk. The other group’s spokesman and leader was Nu and Na both presented their cases before the Nachem’s nephew, Nu Norr. Nu had been a Chelemer Goan. Meanwhile The Gaon’s courtyard mischievous boy in kheyder. Everyone new that no was crammed with Chelemers awaiting the wise good would come of Nu. He rebelled at all of the decision. rules of the old ways. The parents all warned their daughters about Nu. On the other hand the other After much shukling and running his hands boys admired Nu, and looked at him as a sort of through his long white beard, the Gaon went into a leader. long discourse peppered with “on the one hand” and “but on the other hand”…. and that is my Na Nar followed the old ways. He was proud of his decision. heritage and to be called a Nar and leader of the Fools of Chelm, the Chelemer Naronim. Meanwhile Everyone left unsure of what the decision was, but Nu Norr questioned everything. When told the Gaon had spoken and there would be no more anything by an elder, he always responded with disagreements, name-calling and quarrels. It was “nu?, nu?” Soon he and his followers were known the decision that henceforth there would only be a as the “Nuers”. difference of opinion. The Nuers referred to themselves as the So if you visit Chelm today you will find in the Progressive Party while the Naronim insulted them kavehayzer young and old men discussing the by referring to them as the Aggressive Party. merits of Na and Nu. You will see them throw Things reached a boiling point and the whole shtetl their hands up after their discourse and say Nu took sides and there was discord all about. It was oder Na. So if you have an opinion be sure you decided to visit the Chelmer Gaon for a decision. know whether you are a Nanaer oder a Nunuer.

Chelm’s Great Political Debate Philip Fishl Kutner Politics, as we know it, came late to Chelm. Why The Political Debates and the Election have political parties when the Chelemer Rebbe could settle all problems? After all, the Rebbe was All of the parties had candidates up for election. the smartest man in Chelm and no one would Their names are not important—you will shortly question the Rebbe’s decision. But freedom find out why. The candidates’ names have been came to Poland and there were national elections, lost, for no recorded notes were taken. county elections and soon it was Chelm elections. All of the parties held their own primary election. Most of the time the main political parties were Since no one could agree on who the frontrunner referred to as Mayners un Dayners. The Mayners was, each party decided that the only fair way was said “Vos iz mayn iz mayn un vos iz dayn iz to have their nominee drawn from a tub filled with dayn.” The Dayners said ”Vos iz dayn iz mayn names of all the Chelemers who were registered un vos iz mayn iz mayn.” party members. Progresivs un kinsoyvativs, hobn nishters un After all the parties drew their candidates from hobners, oremelayt un raykhe were other names their respective tubs the date, time and place of the used to refer to the two different political parties. Great Political Debate was selected by the Chelm However, the official names of these two parties Rebbe. His decision was to have it take place on were the Chelemsnikers and Chelemnikers. shabes right after shabes services in the Great Chelm Synagogue. The snikers constituted the party of change. They wanted to bring in the Period of Enlightenment. The Day of the Great Debate They wanted “Equality for All” and the final abolishment of poverty. This would be done by All Chelemers were seated and the chairs were set having their members not pay taxes to the on the bima—one for each candidate and one for landowners. Their slogan was “Let the landowners the rebbe who was going to act like a modern day pay the taxes from the money they take from us.” emcee. However, a new problem arose. Who was going to sit on the left of the bima, for that would The nikers slogan was “Work is wonderful for be the right side for the audience as they looked at those who have calloused hands.” Their belief the bima. Since Hebrew is read from right to left, was that if you did not have calloused hands you the person sitting on the right would start and the should not work. Their belief was that their work one on the left would be the last one to speak. of collecting money and spending it was equally hard and just as important. After all, what was the This new problem was not as easy to solve. The point in making money if it wasn’t to be spent? Vayper Party candidate was Kurvele, who said gentlemen let women go first, so I should start. Lest you think that there were no other much, much smaller parties, let me set the record straight. Wait a minute said Alter Knoker, the Niker party A group referred to themselves as the partitioners. candidate. Everyone knows the proverb, age before They were the separatists. Members believed that beauty. Thus I should lead off. Chelm could not maintain its bucolic charm and way of life as part of Poland. They wanted to Vvvvaaart stuttered Boyni the Butter Party secede from the Polish Republic. candidate. We are losers and need to have a little handicap advantage, I should start the debate. There was the Yeshiva Butters, young men who flunked out of the Yeshiva and had all kind of The Sniker Party candidate, Shlime, cried out, “I excuses. When anyone made a point the Butters don’t care who goes first, as long as it’s me.” responded with “but, but….”. Most of the time there was nothing else but, “but, but”. There is no record of who won the debate, or if there ever was one. What is known is that the Another splinter party was the Vaypers. A Vayper voting ballots were in Polish and were labeled usually was a spinster, a divorcee or a widow. treyf by the Rebbe. Their motto was “Help the forsaken, the outcasts of society, the ones whom men have discarded.” If you visit Chelm, you will discover, that to this No men were permitted to join the party. very day, the Jews of Chelm still do not vote.

Chelm Fairy Tales and Nursery Rhymes by Philip Fishl Kutner Farvos nisht? Why shouldn’t Chelm have its own Partial List of The Fairy Tales & Nursery Rhymes famous writer of fairy tales and nursery rhymes? We know there were fairy tales which include: the Der mekhashef (wizard) fun oy Grimm brothers of Germany; Carlo Collodi, the Di malpe un der keml Italian writer of Pinocchio; the Frenchman, Charles Di Tsherepakhe un der hoz Perrault, who wrote about Cinderella; Hans Dos miese katshkele Christian Anderson of Denmark and of course Dos nashnveydl (Cinderalla) Aesop’s fables (numbering over 600). Eyns, tsvey, dray, fir London brik falt arunter Khane Feygl Taybele was her name. No one knows Malke hot gehat a kleyne lemele exactly when she was born, but it was several Mame ganz kinder lidlekh hundred years ago. We now know that she could Piter, piter kirbes freser not let anyone know that a woman actually wrote Pop geyt dos vizele these fairy tales and nursery rhymes, so she used Regn, regn gey avek the pen name Chaim (Khayem) Fishl Taub. Royte raytndik hoyb Ruvn hoyb There have been many hair-splitting dialectical Shlofendike sheynkeyt debates on whether the previously mentioned fairy Shloyme der matros (sailor) tale and nursery rime writers adapted Khayem’s Shmuel un di fertsik ganovim stories, or whether Khayem’s fairy tales were Shtern likht, shtern glantsik adaptations of these aforementioned writers. Yankl un dos bebl shtengl Yankl un dzhil Legend has it that Khayem was indentured at a Yankl zay shmaydik (nimble) young age to a wealthy merchant who wanted a companion for his favorite daughter. Perhaps You can purchase copies of Khayem’s bobe mayses un Khayem had access to many books from foreign mayselekh far kleyne kinder for 47 kopeks (cash or lands. She may have learned about the fairy tales money orders also accepted) from the publishers: and nursery rhymes from these books. The Prestigious Chelm Literary Society Other accounts speak about her traveling all over Gmina Wyz. Zydowska Europe with the wealthy merchant’s favorite ul. Chunchaya 13 daughter. They speak of Khayem’s storytelling at Chelm, Poland the courts of Barons and Baronesses in Bavaria. Website: www.ChelmLiterarySociety.org.pl What we undeniably do know is that these fairy tales and nursery rhymes were read and loved by E-mail: [email protected] all the little children of Chelm, and that the bobes and zeydes of Chelm told them every night when Ph: dial 011+ 48 (country code) + 81 (Lublin nearest the children were put to bed. region code) + 627-574-5298 (spells narishkayt) The children grew up and memorized the fairy By special arrangements with The Prestigious tales and nursery rhymes, and when they had their Chelm Literary Society, the publishers of Khayem’s own families, told them to their children and grandchildren for many generations. bobe mayses un mayselekh far kleyne kinder, Der Bay has been appointed the sole distributor in North In the very last months of the last century The Prestigious Chelm Literary Society published a America. As a not for profit publication, Der Bay collection of them entitled, Khayem’s bobe mayses un adds only a slight charge to cover pony express and mayselekh far kleyne kinder. handling. So please send a check or money order made out to Der Bay for only $17.89 made out to “Der Bay Fund for Chelm Widows and Orphans.” The book was leather-bound and had gold leaf For readers living east of the Ohio River allow an lettering. A red silk marker was glued in the extra 2 weeks for delivery, others will receive it in 6 binding to be used as a page marker. A quick weeks. Orders for the book coming from Canada glance at the book’s table of contents shows many will not have to wait the extra time for the mail familiar tales and rhymes. does not have to ford the Mighty Mississippi River.

Yankl’s Yiddish Yacking and Yodeling by Philip Fishl Kutner Over the years Chelm has had its share of unusual How Yankl Learned to Yodel citizens. Some were internationally renowned rabbis, cantors, merchants and some were thieves. One day a group of Yankl’s friends went into one None, however, was more unusual than Yankl the of the caves under Chelm. These were made from Yiddish Yacker and Yodeler. the removal of chalk. Chelm is well known for its chalk caves. Yacking came naturally to Yankl, for his father Yosl was the town crier. He would go around calling out As the boys walked along the tunnel of the cave, in front of each house to be sure the men attended the damp, cool air felt good, but the sight of bats services. For this he received a special seat at the hanging from the rood of the cave frightened them. eastern wall but no money. This made his wife, Yankl decided to sing, and an echo bounced back Yentl, angry and she told him so—as well as the off of the cave walls. This was the beginning of his rest of Chelm. The only answer Yosl gave was that wanting to learn how to sing. he did it for the koved. At the same, there was a stranger in Chelm who This explains Yankl’s natural ability to yack, yack told stories about foreign lands. One of these and yack. Of course, often it got him into trouble in stories was about the mighty Alps, the St. Bernard kheyder with the resulting blows on the knuckles rescue dogs and all about yodelers and yodeling. or across the back of his head. Once in a while it got so bad that the melamed even went to speak to When Yankl finished kheyder, he decided to run Yosl and Yentl. away and go to see the Alps and visit Franzl Lang, the yodelking in Germany. Franzl had made 40 Ha, ha, ha, like as not the melamed left with a albums. headache and with little result for his effort. Usually it was the new melamed in Chelm who fell Before going too far, dear reader, we must define into this trap. For weeks afterwards he was the butt yodeling. It is a type of singing form where the of jokes by all the women and boys. notes are extended and the pitch is changing all along. This results in an alternating high and low If word got out that the melamed was going to visit pitch. Yankl’s house, there would be a group of boys who followed him at a distance. The boys quietly waited Yankl loved this type of music and quickly nearby until the voices inside Yankl’s house excelled. After yodeling in various countries became louder and louder. It was so loud that it surrounding the Alps, he became homesick for his could be heard halfway around Chelm. parents, brothers, sisters and his childhood friends. He decided to return to Chelm, but what would he Then the laughter of the boys drowned out the do in Chelm? melamed, and he quickly left entirely embarrassed. Why not sing for a living? This thought came to Yankl’s keen ability to yack obviously was him while he was walking one day along the inherited. There was no couple in town that could Danube. How could a singer make a living in match his parents. Even Yankl’s brothers and Chelm? Aha, why not be a cantor! sisters avoided any long discussions with him. This was likewise true for uncles, aunts and cousins. No one had ever sung the Kol Nidre Services, on the evening before Yom Kiper, using the yodeling There was, however, one person in Chelm who was form. a more astute yacker than Yosl, Yentl or even Yankl. She was Gendzl, Yentl’s mame, the shviger When Yankl returned to Chelm and yodeled the of Yosl and Yankl’s bobe. Kol Nidre Services, everyone was amazed and pleased. Every year, and still today, Yankl chants Although in her mid seventies, she was still a (yodels) the service. formidable foe. What she had lost in loudness, she made up in a sharper tongue, deep piercing eyes If you are unable to be in Chelm for Yom Kiper, and curling the outer edges of her lips. It quickly you may wish to purchase Yankl’s CD of his subdued anyone who displeased her. This was yodeling the Kol Nidre Service. Send a money Yankl’s heritage. order to Yankl in Chelm for fifteen French francs.



Chelm’s Philharmonic1 Symphony2 Orchestra3 Ensemble 4 by Philip Fishl Kutner It all started down by the river when Beylig was After much thought it was decided that the Chelm discussing the merits of her mishpokhe with Zisl Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra Ensemble while they were washing the family clothes. It was would be all-natural. There would not be any new a beautiful Wednesday morning and the clothes musical instruments that would be purchased in a would be hung to dry in the hot afternoon sun. music store in Lublin or any of the other big cities. Just as in previous Wednesdays each would brag Having examples from each of the different music about their relatives. Who knows how much was instrument types was important, so it was decided truth and how much was embellished. It seemed to have three each—winds, percussions & strings. that both had second cousins who played in the Great Warsaw Symphony Orchestra. There was a group of klezmorim in Chelm that played at weddings. Their instruments (accordion, It didn’t end there, for when the women went balalaika and violin) would be the core of Chelm’s home they discussed the days events with their Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra Ensemble. families at the supper table. Naturally the husbands told of their talented cousins. When the “Let’s use the shofer” interrupted Kolye the Cantor. women met at the river the following week, they “It’s not used most of the year and we already have had new information to share. it. Besides Shimonele already knows to how to blow it.” Thus the horn section was started It was too good to keep it a secret and soon all of Chelm was chatting about the great musical talent Kolye’s wife Gitele helped by suggesting that in their families. If the cousins were musically gragers would be a natural addition for the gifted, then naturally the Chelm children had to percussion section. possess some of this in their blood (genes). Another percussion instrument was Pareve Peysakh When the topic of discussion had gone from just Pot Lids. Milkhedike and fleyshedike pot lids could the women washing at the river banks of the not be used in case they were mixed up. Uherka River, to the blacksmith shop, to the grinding mill and even following minkhe services, Hymie’s daughter Hinkele said that her brother it was time to bring it up to the Chelm Shtot Heshy has a harmonica, and that he could play it. Council. “That gives ma an idea,” said Ruvn. “I have a pair of Everything was done fairly at Chelm Shtot Council children’s rattles. They make a lot of noise.” meetings. Both sides always were given equal time. “Will all those who wish to speak in favor of Chelm “That gives us only 8 instruments and only 2 having a Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra strings,” whispered Fishl der Fayfer. Ensemble please stand on the right, and those against it stand on the left.” So spoke the mayor. “You’re right added Feygele di Fonfete,” in her Eleven women rose and stood on the right. None funny voice. “Fishl, why not whistle? All you need stood on the left. is your mouth.” “To be fair to both sides will each speaker talk for “Mame doesn’t let me fayf.” was Fishl’s response. no more than ten minutes.” So spoke the mayor. “She says that nice Jewish boys don’t whistle.” After almost two hours of speeches, the mayor To this very day Chelm’s Philharmonic Symphony said, “Since no one is against Chelm having a Orchestra Ensemble has only 8 musicians. Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra Ensemble, we shall have our own music band.” ………………………………………. So it was decided--Chelm will have its own 1Philharmonic: Appreciating music, of or about a Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra Ensemble. symphony orchestra, a symphony orchestra. Musicians would not be a problem, for there were many talented children in Chelm. What was not 2Symphony: Written for a symphony orchestra, a immediately available was the instruments on concert by an orchestra, harmonious which the children could perform. 3Orchestra: A large group of musicians playing, the front section of a theater or the main floor. 4Ensemble: A small orchestra

The Marx Brothers Visit Chelm by Philip Fishl Kutner If the truth be known, Chelm was not founded by “Gummo Marx (Milton) will be hard to find” the stork dropping all the foolish babies over continued Meyer. Chelm. That bobe-mayse was made up for children many, many years ago who asked, “From where Yitzkhok, the youngest and newest council did I come? member, said, “Lets make believe that Gershon also is really Giuseppe the Mafia Boss because Gummo Actually great, great, zeyde Marx and great, great is the Marx Brothers business agent.” bobe Marx kept fleeing the persecutions of Western Europe and finally settled in the bucolic valley and “We are almost done” said Meyer “We have only founded present day Chelm. Zeppo (Herbert). He is the youngest of the 5 Marx Brothers. Can you imagine he was a hooligan and When the famous Marx Brothers decided to visit now has became an inventor.” their ancestral home and trace their genealogy, their business manager sent a message to Meyer Zelig the zipper peddler said, “My shvoger Zev is the Mayor of Chelm. the perfect person. In Hebrew it means a wolf.” If the truth be know, that was the story circulated THE VISIT TO CHELM around in all the newspapers worldwide. However, the real truth is that they had run out of The Marx Brothers Arrive in Chelm! material. Since Life is “One Big Joke”, what better place would there to visit than Chelm? There The group is tired from their long journey from would be original material to last a lifetime. America, but everyone is in the Chelm Shtetl Square awaiting the train form Lublin carrying the Naturally this would not be any ordinary visit from famous American comedians. the outside world. This would be the arrival of the most famous members of the Marx family—The As the brothers get off the train the Chelm Kheyder Marx Brothers. In preparation for the great event it Band starts to play and Meyer the Mayor of Chelm was decided to have a special greeting committee. presents the shlisl to the shtetl. History tells us that the parents of the 5 Marx Everyone is awaiting the speech by Groucho, but in brothers, Minnie Schoenberg came from Germany honor of this very special occasion, Harpo has been and Sam Marx from Alsace, France. A genealogist selected to say a few words. It will be the first time once told them that if they went back far enough, that he will have said anything in public. they must have come from Chelm. A hush came over the crowd awaiting Harpo’s first So the New York born vaudeville family decided to public utterances. He steps forward and whispers go back to their roots. They were going to visit pey, samekh, tes—psst! With that they all walk out Chelm. of the square and the Chelemers burst out in a round of laughter and a rousing ovation. The Marx When the Chelm Shtetl Council met, Meyer the Brothers have arrived in Chelm! Mayor of Chelm said we must have our own group of Marx brothers. He said, “I have an idea and you The Marx Brothers Museum in Chelm can all help out. Just like in any shtetl, there are twins. We have a set named Kharpe and Shande. If you visit Chelm be sure to go to the Chelm Shtetl The little boy is Kharpe and the little girl Shande. Square, you will find The Marx Brothers Comedy & Kharpe will play Harpo.” Vaudeville Museum. It was founded in 1979 upon the passing of Zeppo the last surviving Marx “Wait” said Chaim the Kheldzl Maker, “Chico is Brother. Chico, the eldest, was the first to die in the eldest and we have to go by age.” 1961, Harpo in 1964 and the other two in 1977 “Your right” said Meyer the Mayor of Chelm, For free admission to the museum tell them that “Leonard is called Chico and just like the real one, Fishl, from Der Bay, sent you. my son Chaim is a gambler and a ladies man. Also Visit the Marx Brothers Museum website at: my son Gershon can imitate Julius (the real name http://www.marxbrothers.nu/ for Groucho).”

A Chelemer’s View of America by Philip Fishl Kutner It was the year 2010 and Chelm just entered the it is hereby suggested that Zindele have the bar twentieth century. They had a telephone and a mitsve service at the Coney Island Ultra Orthodox radio. No longer was Chelm a Third World Synagogue and that the ensuing party be at The Country. With these two new means of Glatt Kosher Famous French Fries and Frankfurter communication they were now attached to the Emporium. outside world. There was no doubt that such an honor for a Our story begins in the Chelm Shtetl Square. One Chelemer would be accepted. early morning while Sheyne was on her way to Shmuel the Shnayder. She hears a baby crying. The Zindele’s Report Upon His Return sound is coming from a box. There inside is a little boy with a note attached. Dos iz mayn kind All of Chelm crowded into the Chelm Shtetl Square Zygmund. to hear “Zindele’s View of America”. Here is the text of his speech. Because it was written in Yiddish everyone assumed that the mother or perhaps the father was “All that the teenagers in America talk about is Jewish. No one knew to whom the baby might temperature and food. Everything good is COOL. On belong. So, meanwhile, Sheyne would care for him. the other hand if the boys like a girl they say she is a HOT chick. If they don’t like her then she is a The gossip around the shtetl was that the mother COLD fish. was Jewish and had an affair or was raped by a Cossack. Others were of the opinion that one of the “When someone is not telling the truth they say, Jewish men had an affair with a gypsy woman. He is full of HOT air. There is HOT bed, Hot Either way, they would never know. blooded, HOT box, Hot cakes, Hot corner, Hot cross bun, HOT dog, Hot foot, HOT frame, HOT As Zygmund grew up, it was evident that he was money, HOT front, Hot pack, HOT pepper, HOT no ordinary child. Everyone called him Zindele or plate, HOT rod, HOT seat, HOT shot, HOT stuff Zundele. He was a handsome child, dark of color and Hot tempered. with large piercing eyes. He was a head taller than the other boys. His physical prowess was far “Of course then there is COLD: COLD blooded, beyond those for his age. He was the fastest runner COLD chisel, COLD cream, COLD cuts, COLD fish, in all of Chelm and he could arm-wrestle any boy 3 COLD front, COLD hearted, COLD pack COLD years older than himself. patch, COLD, snap, COLD shoulder, COLD sore, COLD storage, COLD sweat, COLD war, and It was in kheyder that his talent really shone. It was COLD wave. said that he would grow up and become a famous rabbi. This was a problem for Sheyne and her “When it comes to food, the Ameikane really go husband, for they were plain people with little out of their way to mention FOOD. Money is called religious training. lettuce. There is APPLE cart, APPLE polish, APPLE of one’s eye. Someone can be a good EGG or a bad The time was soon approaching for Zindele’s bar EGG. If you do something wrong, you lay an EGG. mitsve. Meanwhile word of his physical and If you are smart, you are an EGGhead. If you put intellectual prowess had reached America. A letter all of your money in one investment, you put all arrived offering to pay for a big event with all your EGGS in one basket. If you are walking very expenses paid. It was from the Coney Island Jewish cautiously, you are walking on EGGS. Welfare Board. It read as follows: “I am so happy to return home to my fellow WHEREAS Zindele is approaching his 13th Chelemers and not have think only about birthday; TEMPERATURE and FOOD.” WHEREAS all Jewish boys should have a bar The next time you visit Coney Island. Stop over at mitsve; the Coney Island Ultra Orthodox Synagogue and look for the plaque commemorating the event of WHEREAS his foster parents are not able to the bar mitsve of Zindele the Chelemer. have an event fitting Zindele’s bright future, and WHEREAS Coney Island is the second most holy place in the world next to the Western Wall,

Chelm’s First Skyscraper By Philip Fishl Kutner It will be a towering THREE-story building, and “Of course you will,” replied Mayer the Mayor. loft over every other one in the shtetl. It will be the “You are used to carrying water from the river to professional building. Only professionals will be everyone’s home. Now that your six sons are permitted to rent space. growing up, they will have plenty of work carrying the water and lifting the elevator. You will be a rich The original proposal for this project came from; man.” the Leybl Lubinitsky Construction Company of Lublin. Leybl himself made a presentation before Finally, Shimon the Shames raised the last hurdle the Chlem Council. He presented a huge model to be overcome. “Who is going to rent all this with pretty landscaping of fruit trees and barns for volkenkratser space and pay all this money?” the animals. Leybl knew the astute Chelemers would raise this Everyone was really impressed when Leybl told question. So he had a ready reply. “The them how much rent they could collect from the professionals in Chelm will jump at the chance to professionals. With all the money each councilman rent space in this newest building with all the could get a raise. prestige that goes with it.” The first problem arose when someone asked Leybl continued and said, “Now that Velvl will be where will the skyscraper be located. Leybl said, making so much money with his six sons carrying “Of course it will be in the Chelm Central Square.” the water to the volkenkratser water tower, he will be the major renter. In fact he will have the entire “Oh, no,” said Moishe, “That is where the we have fourth floor.” the Farmer’s Market every Friday.” Velvl’s wisest and eldest son, Kluger, said, “Tate, “That’s no problem” said Leybl, “We’ll make the when a farmer’s horse, cow or goat strays away building smaller and just go up to FOUR floors.” and everyone goes looking for it, there is much time lost. They could go to the top of the There was a sudden hush, for no one could imagine volkenkratser and look over dem gegnt (the a tower like that in Chelm. So there was no more countryside) and see for miles around. We would objections and all of the councilmen were thinking charge them a tenth the value of the animal. ahead about what they would do with all the extra money they would receive. Another Chelemer Councilman and professional, Shneyer the Shnayder stood up and announced, The “Specs” of the volkenkratser (Skyscraper) I will rent space only if it is on the ground floor. When the women come to market, they want to The specifications for the volkenkratser called for look their best. Since I am near the marketplace, innovations that the Chelemers only could imagine they will come in, and my business will grow and in their dreams. There would be a hand-operated grow.” elevator lift to take the people to the upper floors. This would also be the dumb-waiter. All the food, Dear reader, when you visit Chelm today and get furniture, people and garbage would be lifted up or off the train, go directly to the Chelm Center taken down without having walking stairs! There Square. You will see the volkenkratser still standing, was no need for a staircase. Since a lift takes less but it is empty. space than a staircase, there would be more room for rentals—and more money for the councilmen Since there was no specs for a staircase built in the original design and since Velvl and his sons have A second innovation was automatic running water long since left Chelm for America, no one is willing on call all the time. There would be a large water to do the heavy work of manning the pulleys to lift tower on the rood of the volkenkratser. Naturally the the elevator. water would be lifted to the water tower by the hand-operated elevator. This is a wonderful opportunity for a small sum of money to install a modern lift and occupy the “Who will bring the water to the volkenkratser and center of Chelm. The NYBC, YIVO and the who will lift the water to the tower?” said Velvl der Workmen’s Circle could each take a floor. Vaser Treger.

Chelm’s Scientific Journal by Philip Fishl Kutner No, this is not an oxymoron. There was a single issue magnet to the shleykes. He said now the pants are published by the now defunct Chelm Scientific truly suspended by the suspenders. This invention Society of Inventors and Discoverers. How and why made him the most brilliant scientist in Chelm. the society was founded and who were its members is a long, long mayse most of which has been lost in The Chelm Scientific Journal: Di Nayes the great fire that engulfed the Chelm Laboratory and the shed that contained its minutes, records and Every professional society, especially a science- all known copies of the Chelm Scientific Journal. oriented society must have a professional journal, and The Chelm Scientific Society was no exception. Before going into the history of the Journal and the The problem was that not a single member had ever Society, let me tell you how it got its name Di Nayes. seen a journal of any kind let alone a science journal. In fact not a single member had ever written a One day Itsik the chairman of the Chelm Inventor’s science article. In fact not a single member had SIG (Special Interest Group) was going to shul when ever written any kind of article. he met Dovid the chairman of the Chelm Discoverer’s SIG who was out trying to find his One day Itsik came up with an idea to solve the glasses that he had lost the day before. problem. He would write to the editor of the Lublin Laboratory Society made up of people who were lab “Gut morgn” says Itskik. assistants at the Lublin Scientific Institute. Perhaps their editor would be willing to proofread the “The same to you” says Dovid. articles that would go into Di Nayes. “Vos iz nayes?” asks Itsik. At the next meeting of the Society, Itsik asked for “Di nayes iz nayes!” and with that response the seeds volunteers to write articles for the very first issue were sown for the name of the Chelm Scientific of The Chelm Scientific Journal. Everyone raised Journal—affectionately known as the CSJ or the ches, sameckh, zhurnal. This was many years ago. his hand and kept it up until Itsik asked them what the title of he article would be. Everyone looked perplexed and all hands came down. At first there were two groups—Dovid’s Der Khelm Sensing that this was a crisis in the Society, he said, Oyfdekn Klub and Itsik’s Der Khelm Oysgefinen “Okay I will write the first article and then you can Klub. Members of the clubs were called oyfdekners see how easy it is. So Itsik wrote all about his and oysgefiners respectively. They joined to form invention—di magnetish shleykes, and included a The Chelm Scientific Society. very detailed set of sketches. This was then sent off to Lublin for evaluation. Di Oyfdekners A month later the carrier hand delivered the letter Membership in Dovid’s club was limited to married from Lublin with the original copy all marked up. Chelemer, over the age of 13, who lost something On the bottom in large red letter it said vu zenen and found it without the help of anyone, especially di bibliogaye un di heores (footnotes). his wife. The prospective oyfdekners wife was called before the rabbi and had to swear on her children’s When Itsik read the corrections, he was at first angry, lives that her husband had lost something and found then perplexed and finally his feelings were hurt. it without her help. The most unusual was when To save face he read this statement at the following Shimon had too much shnaps, lost his senses and meeting of the Society. when awoke the next morning, he found them. “We all know that Chelemers are smarter than any Di Oysgefiners Lubliner. To prove it let me ask you. Isn’t it true that we know how to write a handnote, but who heard Membership in Itsik’s club was more difficult. of a footnote?” All laughed and it was published Oysgefiners truly had to invent something new. Itsik in Vol. 1 No. 1 the only issue of Di Nayes. had invented a new and unusual pair of shleykes (suspenders). Instead of using regular buttons on the Only a single copy remains today in the defunct pants and putting the button through a loop in the Society’s archives collection of mislaid files. Anyone suspenders, he used a metal button and sewed a wishing a copy may send a request to Itsik in Chelm.

A Chelemer Goes to Heaven By Philip Fishl Kutner There is a story about Bontshe Shvayg going to The men looked like Zelig, Shmuel and Sender, heaven and his humble request. Even the Great Chaim’s older brothers. Chaim was the youngest Houdini could not pull off the feat of speaking from of four boys by at least ten years. After the shock, there. However, we do not know anyone personally he calmed down and in a soft voice whispered, who visited and sent back word about what it is like “Zenen ir mayne brider?” “up there.” That is, until this report came in about a Chelemer who sent a detailed account about his There was no response. In fact, it seemed to Chaim reception and a description of conditions there. that they did not recognize their younger brother or they could not hear him. It made him very As history tells us, Chaim, the Chelelmer Shnayder uncomfortable. went to sleep one night after a hard day at the sewing machine. He had just recovered from a After finishing his breakfast, he looked around for terrible bout with pneumonia and his body had the woman, but she was nowhere to be seen. So he really taken much abuse. The doctor told him to try decided to walk around to see if he could recognize and take it easy for a while, but Chaim was a poor anyone or find out where he was. man and his large family already was behind in storing up staples for winter. Sheyne, his hard- Suddenly someone has grabbed his arm from working wife, was very concerned about his behind and said, “Come with me. They are waiting weak heart and tried to comfort him. for you.” Too startled to answer, Chaim followed meekly as he stared at the stranger. He was no one It happened that night a week before the first night that Chaim had ever seen. of peysakh. Chaim went to bed with a high fever and fell asleep with all of his clothes on. Not Chaim was led down a steep staircase into a wanting to awaken him, Sheyne took off only narrow room with a very high ceiling and a man his boots and covered him up with extra blankets. wearing a judge’s robe pointed to a chair and His face and hands were as gray as ashes and his Chaim was seated. feet wee ice cold. The judge proceeded to speak in Hebrew, for It must have been a little after midnight that Chaim could grasp only a few words. When the Sheyne awoke for Chaim was thrashing as if in the judge seemed to have asked a question, Chaim throes of death and it seemed he was not breathing. responded with, “Ikh red nor yidish un a bisl He could hear Sheyne whisper, “Chaim tell my poylish.” mame that I am sorry about the way I treated her. The judge burst out in a deafening laugh and Morning came and Chaim rubbed his eyes and saw continued in Hebrew, but now his voice became the sun shining and the sky was a beautiful blue sterner and his face meaner and meaner. After a with only a wisp of a cloud near the horizon. He few more minutes of this tirade, he motioned to the was seated on a hard wooden bench and there other man to remove Chaim from the chambers. were several older men who had on t’filn and were davening. Now the man was not gentle. The man had a tight grip on Chaim and seemed to be pushing Shortly an older woman came over and asked him along. This time they did not go out the door Chaim if he was hungry. Chaim was surprised, for through which they had entered, but down a the woman reminded him of Sheyne’s mame, but winding staircase. It was getting more humid younger and somewhat taller. and the air was warmer. After nodding yes, Chaim followed the woman Chaim begged the main to loosen his grip and to into a long narrow hallway that opened into a walk slower, but it had the opposite effect. Then brilliant yellow room that had no ceiling, but he felt himself being shaken and a voice saying looked up into the sky. The woman motioned “Chaim, Chaim, Chaim dos bin ikh, dayn vayb Chaim to sit at a table with three older men. Sheyne.” Chaim turned to the woman to ask her if she Chaim awoke in a cold sweat. His pillow was indeed was Sheyne’s mame, but the woman had soaking wet, and he was shaking. Chaim had been disappeared. Chaim was disappointed. to Heaven and returned to tell about his experience.

Chelm Gets a Trolley by Philip Fishl Kutner Sooner or later a mutation had to occur in the Kluger Travels to New York Chelm population. Instead of only fools being born a genius might be mutated. How would the Wise Kluger decides to go to New York City to learn all Men of Chelm deal with such an aberration? about trolley cars. When he arrives, he is told that there are at least a dozen trolley museums in It was in the early 1900s that such a child was born America. The nearest one is north in Kingston. So to ordinary Chelemer parents. Papa was the town he travels there to learn all about trolleys. shames and mame was a housewife. The boy was named Kluger after mame’s great uncle. He also learned that there are at least 10 types of trolleys or streetcars. Another surprise came when Even before he could walk everyone knew that he he learned that there is a town in New York called would be a special child. He cried all the time. This Poland located just northeast of Utica. It has only was interpreted that he was trying to speak, but 2,500 people, is only a half a square mile in area did not know the words yet. Sure enough, the and less than 10% of the residents are Polish. prediction was correct. Just as soon as he could sit up and begin to crawl, he began to speak. After becoming an expert on trolleys, he realized it would be too expensive to ship the trolley across Normally, a child’s first words are mame un tate, the Atlantic and then over to Poland. He also found Kluger started with “tomer volt” (what if). All day out that Gdansk has streetcars. It used to be called long he drove his mame crazy with questions. Danzig and is the major Polish seaport. Other cities Every sentence began with “tomer volt.” Her include Warsaw and Krakow. Most of these came response was always, “vart farn tate.” This did not from Austria and Germany. satisfy Kluger, and he kept up the questioning all day long. So Kluger returned to Europe and stopped in Vienna to buy a used trolley and it was shipped When he went to the Chelm Yeshiva, it continued by freight car to Chelm. First the tracks were laid much to the consternation of his teachers. They all so that the trolley could be placed on he tracks said that he would grow up to be a genius, but that when it arrived. When the trolley arrived, 100 he also was a nuisance in class. Kluger never let the husky Chelemer men carried trolley the short teacher finish a sentence without asking a question distance to the Chelm Square and set the trolley —starting with, “tomer volt.” on the rails. The Chelm Klezmer Orchestra played and Mayor Mayer gave a long speech in Yiddish. It wasn’t long before he took his place at the Council of the Wise Men of Chelm. Here his The tracks were laid in a perfect square. Because questioning was insightful and often led to wise the trolley could not make right angle turns it went decisions. Now they did not make fun or ignore up and back on only one side of the square. Every Kluger. He was the one everyone turned to for week 100 husky Chelemers picked up the trolley advice. His response was not an answer, but a and moved it to the next side, so every month all question that led the questioner to the answer. four sides of the square was covered. This made all of the Chelemers happy. At one Chelm Council Meeting, Kluger asked, “What if we had a trolley going round and round Upon returning from a recent trip to Chelm one the The Chelm Center Square. The Square was a of the members of the Yenems Yiddish Club, from large field in the center of Chelm that was where Yenemsville, gave a report on the beautiful Chelm the weekly farmers market was held. Central Square. He purchased a book of tickets at a reduced rate. Since he was there for only a week, Kluger added, “ Shoppers could go all around the most of the tickets are still unused. market and get off whenever they wanted. Besides, the children could stay on the trolley and their He is interested in selling them at quite a greatly mames would be able to shop without being reduced rate. You can make your trip to Chelm annoyed.” even more enjoyable and save a lot of money by traveling on the Chelm Trolley with these reduced Everyone agreed this would be a great idea. Now tickets. To get your book of tickets, contact Der Bay came the hard part. What trolley should they get, for the Yenemsviller contact phone number and e- and where would they get it? mail address.

An Anonymous Gift by Philip Fishl Kutner One day the following letter arrived from America strongest yeshive bokher—he was perfect for the and would change Chelm forever. great task that was given to him. At first, his mother was hesitant because she did To the Wise Men of Chelm not want to lose her son to what might happen to him in New York. However, all of the other women Dear Sirs: pestered her, and reminded her that otherwise Chelm would completely fall apart, and that this Many years ago my great grandfather was expelled was a mitsve. from the Chelm Yeshiva because he was stupid. He was so embarrassed that he fled to America and So the following Monday morning Pincus said after many years as a peddler pushing a pushcart goodbye to his parents, brothers, sisters and all of in the Lower East Side of New York he opened a his friends and set forth to America to find out who small store that grew into a small department store, was this anonymous donor. and became a wealthy man. He recently left us, and in his will there was a small gift to the Wise Men of Pincus Arrives in America Chelm to be spent for the benefit of Chelm. When Pincus arrived in New York City, he Signed: An Anonymous Donor immediately called the Chelm Landsmanshaft. He learned that its name had been changed to the When the letter arrived, the Wise Men of Chelm Chelm Brethren Benevolent Society. For a full week immediately called a meeting with the prime he walked around The Lower East Side asking all purpose of determining how to spend the money the storekeepers if they knew anyone from Chelm. for the benefit of Chelm. Finally he got a yes answer and learned that the There was no agreement, and even though they man came into the deli every once in a while. met many times there was no solution. Everyone in Pincus decided that he would come to the deli Chelm began arguing for a different way to spend when it opened and stay there all day until it the huge gift. As the days passed and turned into closed. weeks and even months, it became obvious that something had to be done and done soon. Children Each day he ate the same sandwich of pastrami and were not doing their lessons and women forgot to corned beef on rye bread with a sour pickle. After a go to the mikve—that made the men very week of this schedule, he decided that this would unhappy. Even the animals were agitated, for they not work and another method would have to be were not fed on time—but what to do? used. However, when he looked at the money he had left, he realized that there was not enough Malke, Mayer the Mayor’s wife, said, “We must money for the ship ticket back to Chelm. find out who was this anonymous donor?” The Wise Men of Chelm all agreed, but how were they The kind deli owner took pity on Pincus and to find out if the donor had been in New York and offered him a job and to live free in the back of the they were in Chelm. It was decided to send store. The deli owner had a daughter who already someone to New York and speak with the letter- was 20 years old and there was no suitable match. writer and once and for all settle this dilemma. Out of pure necessity he offered Pincus a small The emissary to New York had to be bright to be partnership if Pincus would marry the deli owner’s able to deal with the clever Americans. He would daughter. It was a plain wedding with few guests. also have to be young to be able to withstand the While Mrs. Pincus was not particularly attractive dangerous and tiring trip across the Atlantic Ocean. (to be honest, she was sort of homely), she was an astute business lady. Pincus was the unanimous choice. After all, wasn’t he the brightest yeshive bokher! His other attribute After the deli owner died, Mr. and Mrs. Pincus was that his father Petricov (a converted Jew) was a took over the deli. If you visit New York today and peddler and often visited other towns around walk into the Pincus Deli, mention Chelm. You will Chelm. Besides all this, Pincus was the tallest and be given a free Pincus Pastrami sandwich.