Italy Being courteous to foreigners is routine forItalians.People who can ill afford anything else exude genuinewarmth and are sensitive to your wants withoutbeing interfering.A chance meeting with an acquaintance wouldprogress to a cup of coffee but he/she will not allowyou to pay for the two cups.Men feel obliged to open and shut doors for womengetting in and out of cars.Italians make people feel at home.Shaking hands is considered to be polite andrespectful.Lightly kissing a lady's hand is like paying a gracefulcompliment to her.Visiting people with flowers and chocolates is acustom.Giving 5% to the waiter in a restaurant is normal inItaly. 51
Habits dictate your behaviourRepeated action leads to the formation of habits.These become our state of mind and dictate ourresponses. Your behaviour is a result of conditioning,to which you are exposed consciously orunconsciously. It is determined by the: Kind of company you keep Books read by you Movies and TV programs you watch Kind of music you listen toRecognize your bad habitsOften people recognize their bad habits but theymake little effort to change. This is often due to: Lack of desire Lack of discipline Lack of faith in themselves Lack of awareness for the need to changeThese factors prevent us from getting rid of ournegative habits. We often excuse ourselves byimagining ourselves to be too busy or thinking thatchanging ourselves will not make any difference. 52
You can change your behaviour by modifying yourattitude. The first step would be to list your negativehabits and make another list of all the positive habitsyou want to develop. The next logical step is to worktry to substitute your bad habits with good ones.A Guide to Changing Habits:Six guidelines should be followed to overcomeunwanted personal and social habits.Identify the habit you want to change: Pinpoint the undesired habit. See how often it occurs before you plan to change it. Study how much you've changed.Reason out why you want to change the habit: Write a statement of intention e.g. do not say, “I will study harder”. Instead say, “I will study for two hours”. Mention your intention to other people, they will help you change. 53
Set your intention to the near future e.g. “I will not drink at the party next week”. Count your series of successes.Examine the situation: Prevent the unwanted response. Inflict self-punishment at the unwanted behaviour. Shape up the desired behaviour.Search for the immediate consequence of the act: You may have to change other people's behaviour. Avoid the company of people with the undesired behaviour. Change the situation so that the unwanted consequence does not occur.Establish the desired habit Look for friends who encourage your progress. Reward yourself when successful. Monitor yourself. Make the rewards more difficult to earn.. 54
The fact that you are doing something for your ownwell can serve as a very powerful reward for yourself.How good are your manners? Find out now:Your boss has found some mistakes in your work.What do you say to him/her? Try to blame someone else for the act Apologize and assure your boss that it will not recur Find a plausible excuseYou are delayed for an appointment with a visitor.How do you handle it? Apologize whenever you meet him/her. Contact your visitor to apologize and give an idea of how long it will take you to reach your work place. Ask the receptionist to inform him/her about the delay.Your junior makes a mistake. How do you react? Bawl at him/her on the spot, no matter who listens. Call him/her to your room and talk about it. Leave a note on his/her desk. 55
You wish to have a talk with your colleague. How doyou go about it? Call him/her to your office. Go to his/her room and suggest a suitable venue and time. Ask someone else to pass on the message. 56
CHAPTER 5:LEARN TO ASSERT YOURSELF 57
Lack of Assertion According to Webster's dictionary, the word“assert” means “to state or affirm positively, plainly,or strongly”. A truly assertive person possesses thefour characteristics: Talks freely about self Communicates with people at all levels Has an active orientation to life Accepts limitations Some people lack assertiveness because they donot acquire the skill through experience and practice.They are conditioned to certain fears. These may besocial fears of being disliked, rejected or the fear ofanxiety, expression of anger. Such people remain inthe same job for years, as they don't know how to bepromoted. They say `yes' to requests when anaffirmative response is not desired. They do so, asthey have never learnt to say `no'. 58
An unassertive person: Is often pushed around. Says ‘I'm sorry' if someone steps on his/her foot. Lacks openness and directness Resorts to indirect communication Cannot exhibit emotions due to lack of expression Avoids eye contact Does not make any small talk.Assertiveness training If you are basically non-assertive, you come out tooweak. As you can't stand up for yourself, you feel hurt,anxious and self-contemptuous. Your deficient actionsand reactions produce feelings of contempt in otherstoo. Learn to overcome your shortcomings: Close your eyes and imagine your idealized self with all the qualities you would like to possess. Write a description of the kind of person you want to be. Elaborate the importance of your ideal person's traits. Work on your idealized image. 59
Know your limitations, as expecting too much would end in failure. Realize you cannot be everything simultaneously.Being Assertive in: Impersonal Situations. Go into three different stores and try on a jacket, coat or a dress. But do not buy the things. This gives you the freedom to say `No'. Stop about three to four people on the street and ask for directions. Buy something from a store and then go to return it. Just say, “I would like to return this”. It helps to bring out your confidence. Go to a newsstand with a five hundred-rupee note to purchase a newspaper costing only three rupees.Social Interaction Express your feelings openly. Compliment a store clerk or a co-worker. Count the number of times you are able to do this. Similarly express your displeasure to the waiter who serves cold soup or the co-worker who plays the radio while you are at work. 60
Try to begin a conversation with people sitting next to you by saying, “Isn't it a nice day?” or “I hear its good movie”. Do at least one task a week, which you have been putting off like responding to a letter or getting the plumber for repairs.Express yourself confidently Expression of feelings is an important aspect. Whenyou start doing so, watch for: Tone of voice: A firm, confident and loud tone marks assertive behaviour. Eye contact: Look directly at the person you are talking to. Body language: A lot of gestures can be used Facial Expression: Your expression must reflect what you feel and say. Have you always been led by your circumstances? If your answer is in the affirmative, it shows thatyou have not mastered the art of self-control as:Due to your passivity, you do not make enough effortto change your behaviour. 61
You have not learnt to use your will power to controlyour actions.Be assertive in your jobDo you wake up on Monday mornings with thethought; ‘I can't bear to go to the office?'Do you live in the constant fear of losing your job?Do you perform tasks, which ought to be done byyour subordinates?Have you not got a promotion despite workingsincerely?Do you fear success? An affirmative response to the above questionsproves that you are unassertive at your workplace.Assertion on the job involves five basic skills.An active orientation Think through your work goals, the steps to betaken to achieve them and how to go about it, usingyour talents to the fullest possible extent. 62
Ability to do the job Master the skills you need to perform at your job.Handle your problems with self-control andovercome lack of discipline and concentration.Control on your anxieties and fears Often emotional reactions interfere withwork performance. It can lead to fatigue irritabilityand poor judgment. Your aim should be to achieveyour work goal.Good interpersonal relations on the job You should be able to relate to yoursubordinates, superiors, make requests and say notoo.The art of negotiating the system Gain knowledge of the job skills that willenable you to work and achieve your goals.The benefits of being assertive: 63
It provides a better work atmosphere.Leads you to think clearly on your career prospects.You tend to rely less on others.There is a feeling of happiness and the work is donemore efficiently.It give you greater self-confidence.Less time is wasted on tackling problems.Less stress is experienced.You earn greater self-respect.You are not taken for granted.There is no place for emotions like anger andresentment. 64
CHAPTER 6:POSITIVE ATTITUDE 65
Do you have a positive attitude?“The greatest discovery of my generation is thathuman beings can alter their lives by altering theirattitudes.” - William James Attitude applies to every sphere of life, includingyour personal and professional life. This is thefoundation of success regardless of your chosen field.Most of your attitudes are shaped during formativeyears by three determining factors: The environment you are groomed in Your experiences Your educationBeing caring, confident, patient and humble, are thepersonality traits of people with a positive attitude.Such individuals anticipate positive outcomes.Your positive attitude is your best guide on thetwisting roads of life as it: Increases productivity and fosters teamwork Solves problems and improves quality of work 66
Leads to a congenial atmosphere Breeds loyalty and increases profits Leads to better relationships with your employer, employees and customers Stress is reduced and you contribute more to the society. It makes for a pleasing personalityDon't become your own enemyYou become your own enemy by having a negativeattitude. Such an attitude leads to: Broken friendships, jobs, marriage and relationships. Bitterness and resentment. Life tends to be purposeless. Health is badly affected. High stress levels are formed both for the person and others. Creates negative environment at home and work too. How to develop a positive attitude. 67
Sometimes we get comfortable with our negativityand refuse to develop a positive attitude by: Not being aware of the principles that build a positive attitude Not cultivating discipline and dedication for those principles.Thinking of positive things puts us in a positive frameof mind. To maintain a positive attitude we need toconsciously practice the following steps.STEP ONELook for the positiveMost people find what they are looking for. There issomething positive in every person and everysituation. You may have to look deep for the positivebecause it may not be apparent.You need to think only of the best, work only for thebest and expect only the best. Spend as much time onimproving yourself that you have no time left tocriticize others. `Be too big for worry and too noblefor anger.' 68
STEP TWOMake a habit of doing it nowA complete task is fulfilling and energizing. Anincomplete task drains energy like a leak from a tank.To build a positive attitude we have to get into thehabit of living in the present and doing it now. Life isnot a dress rehearsal. We have got only one shot atthis game called life.The saddest words in life are:“I might have been”.“I should have”“I could have”“I wish I had”‘'If only I had given a little extra.''STEP THREEDevelop an attitude of gratitudeCount your blessings, not your troublesTake time to smell the roses. Often we are so focusedon complaining about things we don't have that welose sight of the things we have. When something 69
goes wrong in your life, close your eyes and think ofthe worst that can happen. Like you being in prison orbeing robbed of all you have. Open your eyes andthank your stars for not being in such a situation.STEP FOURBuild a positive self-esteemSelf-esteem is the way we feel about ourselves. Agood feeling within helps our performance goes upand our relationships improve. To build positive self-esteem you could do something for others whocannot repay you in cash or kind.STEP FIVEStay away from negative influencesNegative people drag you down. Others judge you bythe company you keep.Smoking, drugs and alcohol can make you lose yourinhibitions.Negative movies and television serials have a badinfluence on the values and attitudes of the young. 70
Act like a winnerYou need to like the things that need to be done.“Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possibleand suddenly you are doing the impossible.” -St. FrancisIf you want to be a winner: Have faith in your convictions. Be willing to accept responsibility. Develop an optimistic attitude. Learn to motivate yourself. Increase your level of aspiration. Start your day on a positive note. Avoid fear of failure. Act like an achiever. Don't say, “Someday, I'll set my goals” Rather say, “I'm working on the goals I've set”. Be aware of the importance of your goals. Gather all information needed to achieve what you are aiming for. 71
Winners versus Losers The winner is always part of the answers; The loser is always part of the problem. The winner always has a problem; The loser always has an excuse. The winner says, “Let me do it for you”; The loser says, “That's not my job”. A winner makes commitments; A loser makes promises. Winners have dreams; Losers have schemes. Winners say, “I must do something;” Losers say, “Something must be done.” Winners choose what they say; Losers say what they choose. Winners see the gains; Losers see the pain. Winners see the potential; Losers see the past. 72
Winners are part of the team;Losers are apart from the team.Winners are interested in ideas;Losers are interested in people.Winners have a caring attitude;Losers have a critical attitude.Winners are humble;Losers are arrogant.Winners respect authority;Losers rebel against authority.Winners are confident;Losers are confused.Winners are assertive;Losers are aggressive.Winners are responsible;Losers are always blaming others.Winners are optimistic;Losers are fatalistic.Winners are givers;Losers are takers. 73
CHAPTER 7:BUILDING SELF CONFIDENCE 74
Developing ConfidenceSelf-confidence is the armour, which breaks the shackles ofshyness. It infuses in us the spirit to have faith in our abilityand fight back self-doubt. You can develop your self-confidence by: Forgetting your worries and inhibitions. Being objective about yourself. Observing yourself from the opposite side of the desk. Analysing your positive points. Making a list of your achievements and justifying your capabilities.Realize your worthEmerging, as a confident personality is a skill, whichcan be improved with practice. It is not a constantquality as you might be lacking it in certain situationsor in the company of certain people. A few steps couldbe followed to gain inner confidence. 75
Don’t be your criticIf we find ourselves overflowing with faults we can’texpect other to find worth in us. Receive acompliment with a ‘thank you’ rather than, “Oh!Someone else could have done much better.” Or “Idon’t think it is good enough.”You don’t need to be foolish by picking your ownfaults when others may not have taken note for it.Don’t indulge in self-pitySelf-pity is a negative way to solve problem; it makesthe other person bored and disinterested. Beconstructive about your problems and give a break tothe ones who listen to your problems day in and dayout.Be relaxedTake help of breathing exercises or meditation torelax yourself. Don’t trouble yourself with problems,which may be a shapeless lump. Try to make thingsmanageable and clear your mind with “what if?” 76
Motivate yourselfDo not depend on others to feel secure of happy.Handle your emotions and stop blaming others fornot being successful. You need to be in command ofyourself.Be PositiveDo not threaten yourself by imagining the worstscenario and thus feel insecure. Have a positive frameof mind and nourish optimism for the work in hand.Pen down your problem and then ponder over all thepossible solutions. List them down and work on theones you find most effective. See that it works withyour positive approach and trust in your own talentand capability.Learn to face the world byBeing HappyIt’s a fact that you’re being happy does make theworld look better. Your approach towards life and itsevents makes you happy or unhappy. The more you 77
expect out of life the unhappier you will be. Anoptimist sees the glass as half-full where as apessimist would look at it as half-empty.Speaking positivelyLife always has something worthy to offer. Preferspeaking about your likes rather than dislikes.Instead of rejecting any thing, some other option canbe tried. Moaning mars your personality.Setting your goalsYou need to build your standards for personalsuccess. No one is good at everything. Instead ofcomparing your achievements with others you shouldaccept your limitations and work strongly on yourstrengths.Assessing yourselfSelf-assessment is a valuable tool if it is earnest. Youcould always get yourself assessed by people youthink know you well. Your lack of confidence willinduce you to expect negative reactions from people.Start thinking and saying to yourself.“I'm sure people will appreciate me”. 78
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