THE FART MONSTER script

THE FART MONSTER Or 'BETTER OUT THAN IN' a short film written by James Roblin Draft 16.11.2014 contact: James Robline: [email protected] t: +44 (0) 7816 486 182

EXT. SCHOOL GATES - DAYBEN JACKSON (8) sits alone on the school wall, waiting to becollected. A car pulls up in front of him. MUM (from the driver’s seat) Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry... I’m late, I’m a terrible mother.ELLA (6) squishes her face against the window, gurningogreishly as Ben gets in the front passenger seat. MUM Seatbelt.And they head off... CUT TO:EXT/INT. CAR - DAYDriving along, the car pulls into their road. ELLA (6) (singing)Big red bus, a big red bus - Mini-Mini-Mini and a big red bus... (deep breath)FERRARI! FERRARI!Ben turns on the radio, trying to drown out Ella’s chorus...Ben... MUMQuietly scolded, Ben turns the radio off again. MUM (looking ahead)What’s this?There’s a scene in the middle of the road ahead. Workmen havecordoned off the area, narrowing the road to a bottleneck.There’s a large fissure in the road, from which clouds ofsmoke-like gas escape. The workmen wear masks and goggles.The incident is practically outside their house. They drivepast and Mum parks up the car a little further down the road.EXT. JACKSON HOUSE - DAY (CONTINUOUS)They get out of the car. Our focus is mainly on Ben as hestares at the fissure, the gas, the anonymous workmen. Theyall hold their noses against the obnoxious smell.

2. MUM God, what is that smell?Their next-door neighbour MADGE (40s) is outside, spectating,clutching a tea towel to her face. MADGE Some kind of gas explosion. Blown right through the road and all sorts of pipes probably. ELLA Mummy, I’m going to be sick... MUM Is it safe? MADGE They’re saying so. They’re coming back tomorrow though to fix the surface and seal it all up.Ella is now retching, tugging on her mother... MUM Yes, come on. Try not to breathe it in.Ben takes a last glance at the masked faces of the workmen,the dark chasm in the road surface. CUT TO:INT. KITCHEN - EVENING (LATER)Ben, Ella and Mum are sat at the table, eating dinner. BEN Can I have some ketchup please?She passes it to him. As he squirts it on his plate theplastic bottle makes a lewd noise. Ella starts giggling.There’s the sound of keys in the door. DAD is home. DAD (O.S.) There’s an awful smell outside.Dad comes in carrying a bag of takeaway. He unpacks it on thecounter and begins to dig straight in. MUM Is that all for you? DAD This one’s just a side dish. And you can’t not have naan. Anyway, I’m celebrating.

3. BEN Celebrating what? DAD Not having to talk to anybody about insurance for another [checks watch] twelve hours. (eats) And I’m doing it with a nice - creamy - spicy - fantastically unhealthy - chicken curry. MUM Curry for four it looks like. DAD Is your mum being rude about my flubber again?Ella laughs. Dad puffs out his tummy, encouraging her. ELLA Daddy’s having a baby! MUM Oh, put it away. CUT TO:INT. BEN’S BEDROOM - NIGHTBen is in bed. Mum is just leaving. MUM Everything ok?He nods yes. Not quite convinced, she switches off the lightand shuts the door. Ben lies back, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to his ceiling. We get lost in thisgalaxy, until it slides out of focus.INT. BEN’S BEDROOM - NIGHTBen wakes in the middle of the night, not sure why. The lightfrom the street-lamp outside flickers for a moment.He goes and peaks through the curtain. He can see thefissure. The light flickers again. It's dark, but somethingis happening at the fissure's edge...Ben watches as a SMALL, SLUG-LIKE CREATURE (about a hand’swidth) emerges and begins crawling like a caterpillar towardsthe pavement. It’s moving directly towards his house! Are hiseyes playing tricks on him in the dark? Is he fully awake?The creature disappears beneath the window...

4.INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHTBen comes to the top of the stairs and listens out for soundsbelow. Dad is snoring impressively (continues throughout).Beneath this we just hear the rattling of the cat-flap, andsomething scrambling rapidly across the floor...Tingling with fear, Ben tip-toes downstairs to investigate...INT. DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHTThe hallway is dark and empty. Ben ventures deeper...INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHTBen crouches down to discover THE CAT, hiding under a chair,eyes flashing green and scared stiff. The cat-flap rattlesagain, and the hairs go up on the back of Ben's neck...INT. DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHTAs Ben retraces his steps he notices a faint TRAIL OF SLIME,leading back towards the stairs...Ben follows the trail and just misses the sight of the slug-like creature as it reaches the top of the stairs, climbinglike a mutant slinky...INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHTBen’s head pops up just in time to see the slug-like-creatureas it enters his parents' bedroom...Ben creeps closer. Through the door he sees his parents lyingasleep in bed. And The Creature, crawling in under the coverstowards the snoring human mound that is his Dad!The snores stop abruptly, strangely. Ben is mute with fear...And then his father lets rip a loud and wholesome FART, likea trumpet noise, reverberating. Mum is woken by the eruption. MUM Stephen! DAD (mumbled) Sorry...And then they both turn over, and are soon breathing softly,asleep. It’s as if nothing happened.

5.INT. BEN’S BEDROOM - NIGHTBen tip-toes back into bed. He lies awake, unable to sleep.EXT. JACKSON HOUSE - DAYA new morning.INT. KITCHEN - DAYBen and Ella are eating breakfast under Mum's supervision.Dad is heard on the stairs. Ben watches anxiously as heemerges in his dressing gown. As he reaches for the kettle,he FARTS. Ella breaks suddenly into childish hysterics. MUM Stephen! This is meal-time! Don’t [slapping him with a tea towel] contaminate - the kitchen! DAD Sorry. (and he farts again) Sorry! ELLA Daddy it smells!It does. They grip their noses. DAD Sorry, just wave it away. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I've got a bit of an upset stomach - must be that curry.Ben is not so sure... DAD Damn, I’m late for work. MUM Are you sure should go? DAD What am I supposed to say? ‘Sorry, I can’t come in, I’ve got a bad case of flatulence?’ ELLA What’s fachulence? MUM Come on, finish up, time to go. Time to evacuate.

6.Ben and Ella get down and grab their lunch boxes, etc.INT. CLASSROOM (SCIENCE BLOCK) - DAYBen sits in biology class. The TEACHER is talking about thedigestive system. A diagram is projected onto the board.Ben’s attention wanders: to the ANATOMICAL DUMMY - a life-size plastic torso with removable organs, and to theBIOLOGICAL SPECIMENS - jars of formaldehyde-pickledorganisms. Alien and weird, not unlike The Creature.INT. LIVING ROOM - DAYArriving home, Ben is surprised to see Dad, back in hisdressing gown, lying on the sofa and not looking very well... DAD (sickly)Hi Ben.He FARTS just as - Mum enters. MUM (recoils from the smell)Oh. You’re back very early. DADThey sent me home.Why? MUMHe FARTS. His face is a mask of shame... MUM (mortified)They didn’t... (they did)Oh Stephen. Can you not control it? DADI’m doing my best... MUMDo you think maybe - maybe youshould see a doctor? DADWhat? No. Tomorrow I’ll be back tomy regular levels. MUMAnd in the meantime we’ll justcheck into a hotel shall we?

7.Dad sighs, and farts. MUM Well, for now I think we’re going to have to quarantine you.They close the door on him.INT. KITCHEN - EVENINGBen, Mum and Ella sit around the table eating a dinner ofspaghetti Bolognese. They eat in silence. Through the wallcomes the rippling bass sound of - Dad’s FARTS. Several insuccession. This no longer reduces Ella to giggles... DAD (O.S.) (muffled through the wall) Is there any Parmesan?Mum fetches the cheese and takes it through to the next room. DAD (O.S.) (muffled) Thank you.Mum returns and solemnly sits back down to her own food. It’snot long before the farting resumes.INT. BEN’S BEDROOM - NIGHTMum is tucking Ben in to bed. BEN Mum, is Dad going to be alright? MUM Of course he is.A FART in the background. MUM (without conviction) Of course he is. (beat) Goodnight.She leaves him. Ben is not reassured.INT. BEN’S BEDROOM - NIGHTBen lies awake in bed. The otherwise silent night ispunctuated by the sounds of Dad’s farts. After a while wehear a door opening, footsteps, creaking floor. Ben sits upin bed and sees his Dad through the half-open door, clutchinga spare pillow and blanket.

8.Dad? BEN DADHey buddy. I’m just going to sleepon the sofa downstairs. Your mumneeds her beauty sleep. BENOk. DADSleep well.Dad shuffles downstairs with his bedding, banished to a roomof his own. A fart or two, deeply muffled now.INT. KITCHEN - DAYSaturday. Brunch - bacon and sausage sandwiches. BENMum, where’s Dad? MUMI think he’s just having a lie-in.Ben looks at the clock. It’s midday already. Dad comesthrough from the other room. He looks pale, exhausted.Daddy! ELLAMum and Ben observe him closely, anxiously... MUMWell? Is it safe? DADSafe? Oh, that. Yeah. Feeling muchbetter. Pretty much - back tonormal. Must be one of those 24hour things. MUMReally? You just - you do look abit pale. And a bit - bloated.He is indeed bloated, several inches at least around the gut. DADGod, I’m absolutely starving...The phone rings. Mum answers, her conversation fading intothe background. Dad dishes himself a conspicuously MASSIVEplate of English Breakfast.

9.He sits down and begins shovelling his food in at an alarmingrate. Ben watches him with a growing sense of concern...Dad... BENDad doesn’t hear...Dad. BENDad shovels the food in. BENDad, stop feeding it!Dad stops. All eyes are on Ben after this strange outburst... DADStop feeding what?The question is left hanging as Mum gets off the phone - MUMMaybe you should slow down. DADI’m ravenous. Must be this bug. MUMThat was June. She’s having a bitof a crisis. Ella darling, I’msorry, I don’t think we’re going tobe able to go swimming today.Ella looks suddenly as though she is about to cry... DADHey hey hey. I can take them. MUMWell what about your... condition? DADI’m fine. Much better now that Ihave some proper food in me.And he carries on eating. Ben remains very, very worried.INT. PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL - DAYDad, Ben and Ella emerge from the changing rooms. Ella runsand jumps into the pool, squealing. Dad looks less confidentthan he did earlier.

10. DADGo on, let’s see you do a length.Ben puts his goggles on, jumps in, and starts swimming.Meanwhile, Dad is cautiously thinking about entering thepool. He eases himself in and starts to wade around whilewatching the girls. So far so good... CUT TO:Ben is making progress up the pool with his front crawl... CUT TO:Dad, still wading, smiles awkwardly at a group of MOTHERS.Then... an ERUPTION OF BUBBLES...Oh no. DADThe mothers are horrified. Dad is mortified. Anothereruption. And another. He is a human jacuzzi... CUT TO:Ben completes his length. He lifts his goggles and looks backto see some commotion at the other end of the pool. Somewoman is complaining to the lifeguard, who approaches Dad andseems to ask him to exit the pool. He insists.Ben walks up. Dad has gathered Ella out of the pool.Dad? BEN LIFEGUARDDo you know this man? BENYeah, he’s my dad. LIFEGUARDThere’s been a complaint...We see again the women who have complained. Dad looks deeplyashamed, and Ben shares in his shame.EXT/INT. KITCHEN - DAY (CONTINUOUS)Ben is at the door, eavesdropping on his parents. Dad is satat the kitchen table, head in his hands. Mum is beside him,consoling. The mood is sombre. MUM Maybe you should just - not go outdoors for a while. Until you’re a bit better.

11. DAD Maybe I should see a doctor... MUM Perhaps we should look online? There might be some sort of - medication? (examining him) You do look very bloated... BEN (from the door) It’s the Creature.They notice his presence for the first time. BEN It crawled out of that hole in the road, like a slug, except it moved like a caterpillar. And now it’s inside Dad and it’s growing, it’s feeding, it’s eating all your food. That’s why he’s so hungry all the time. I think it crashed here and it came from another planet. I don’t know if it’s dangerous but I think it might be because of Dad’s - because of Dad’s condition...His parents look at him in bewilderment for a few beats...and decide to completely ignore his nonsense. MUM Maybe you should go and rest in bed for a bit. DAD Yeah. Yeah, I think I should.He gets up (and farts). BEN Dad... I saw it. MUM Ben, that’s enough, don’t be silly - Daddy’s not well.INT. STUDY - EVENINGMum is on the computer, looking at medical websites. MUM (calling up to Dad) It says a little bit of laxative can sometimes help. I’ll just pop to the chemist’s.

12.She leaves, grabbing her car keys. A moment later, Ben comesin and starts reading the web page.INT. KITCHEN - EVENING (LATER)Mum returns. She drops the pharmacist’s bag on the counterand puts the kettle on. Ben eyes the bag. MUM Is Dad awake? BEN I think he’s asleep. I heard him snore. MUM Oh, that’s good. We’ll leave him in peace then.Mum is making a mug of tea for herself. BEN Can I have a cup of tea, Mum? MUM I didn’t know you liked tea? Since when? BEN (hesitation) Grandma made one for me. MUM Well that’s very grown up of you.She makes him a mug of tea. MUM How many sugars? BEN Um... four. MUM Four?! No wonder you liked it. Try it with two. Here you go.He takes the tea. BEN Thank you. MUM You coming to sit down?

13. BEN I’ll just sit here for a bit. With my tea. MUM (sentimental reflection) So grown up.She leaves. Ben goes for the bag. He takes out the bottle.LIQUID LAXATIVE. He reads the instructions.INT. PARENTS’ BEDROOM - NIGHTBen nudges the door open, holding the mug of tea. Dad islying in bed looking sick as a duck and abnormally bloated.He looks up from his snooze, weak and pale. DAD Oh hi Ben. BEN I brought some tea. Mum made it. DAD Oh. Thank you. BEN I’m sorry I was telling tales. DAD That’s alright. Your Dad’s just a bit unwell that’s all. We all get sick sometimes don’t we?Ben gives him the mug of tea. DAD (sips) Ah, that’s nice.After a few sips Dad stops. There’s a strange gargle from thedepths of his gut. Suddenly he looks very worried... DAD Ben, what have you done?He bolts from bed and races to the BATHROOM, like there’s abomb in his bowels, slamming the door after him...INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY/BATHROOM - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)It sounds like a family of elephants, all going to thetoilet. And there’s another noise - a deep rumbling, like anoverhead train. Mum and Ella appear, as Ben backs away fromthe door...

14. MUMWhat’s happening?Suddenly - the rumpus stops. The door creaks open. Dad stepsout. He looks white as a sheet, sweaty, exhausted. MUMStephen? DAD (breathless, out of it)I feel much... much better...And then he collapses forward into her arms. There is a GIANTROAR from the toilet. Ben rushes forward -There, sprouting from the toilet bowl, is THE FART MONSTER.SLIME, TENTACLES, ORIFICES! Utterly gruesome and scary - yes -but keeping it PG. It lets out a guttural roar and begins tocrawl out of the bowl, towards Ben...Ben? MUMBen slams the door. THE FART MONSTER bursts it open again.Mum screams. Ella screams. It's coming for them...Run!!! BENThe family pull back, dragging Dad (their walking wounded)and scrambling down the stairs.INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)They push the table and chairs and everything they canagainst the door, barricading themselves in. MUM What is that thing?! DAD It came from me... It came... I’m sorry... BEN It’s ok, Dad. It’s not your fault. MUM What do we do? Do we try and negotiate? BEN Mum, it’s an alien fart monster from outer space!!

15. DAD Ben’s right Molly, negotiation’s not the answer... CUT TO:Hands reach in and raid the cupboard under the sink, grabbingeverything: cleaning sprays, marigolds, even a plunger. CUT TO:INT. HALLWAY - NIGHTThe kitchen door opens a crack and a family of four NINJASemerges, grouped in a phalanx, armed with cleaning productsand utensils, masked against the threat of toxic stink...The hallway is clear, but a thick trail of gunge leads to theliving room. The monster awaits... MUM Ready - GO!And they charge together through the door -INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)It’s there in front of the TV, bigger now. The FART MONSTERroars and the battle begins. They engage it, firing theircleaning sprays, batting it with utensils, attacking fromevery angle. It counters them with its tentacles and blastsof obnoxious gas. But the cleaning fluids are ineffective -the monster is aggravated but unfazed... DADNothing’s working!One of its tentacles emits a puff of toxic green guff. Thecloud envelopes Ella and she passes out.Ella! MUMMum goes in to rescue Ella and is felled by a similar blast.Mum! BENDad dashes in and grabs Mum (who is clutching Ella) and dragsthem behind the sofa. Ben helps. It’s a forced retreat.They’re in trouble. The battle seems lost... DAD (fading)Ben, Ben... Do you remember youruncle Ian? His special party trick? (MORE)

16. DAD (CONT'D) The reason he’s not invited to family Christmases. Do you remember?Something clicks. Dad can see it in Ben’s eyes. BEN But Dad -Dad unfolds his hand to reveal a small MATCHBOX. DAD It’s okay... CUT TO:Ben advances out alone to confront the monster, seeminglyunarmed. The monster roars but Ben holds his nerve. It sucksin air, inflating its gas sacks and preparing for a megaguff, a DOOMSDAY GUFF. Ben lights a match. He waits, andwaits... until -Now is the moment. Just as the monster is about to blast himwith toxic gas, Ben lights the SLIME TRAIL.Flame rushes forward like a rapid fuse towards the monster.Its gaseous bulk ignites and the monster EXPLODES INTO AHUNDRED LITTLE PIECES, splattering everyone and everythingwith slime and gruesomeness. Ben is blown off his feet. DISSOLVE.INT. LIVING ROOM - DAYA sunny new day. The Jacksons are on their hands and knees,scrubbing away with cleaning products, trying to get thestains out of the carpet and furnishings - the monster’s ickyremains. There are little clumps of it all over the place -which have to be collected in buckets. BEN How long do we have to do this for? MUM Until it's clean, and until that smell is gone. Make sure you get every last bit. DAD We should open all the windows, get some air in.Ben downs his sponge and jumps up to do this.

17.INT. BEN’S BEDROOM - DAYBen opens the windows. He stops to look out. The road is nowrepaired and sealed up. Everything is going back to normal.A fleeting something in the background. Did we just seesomething crawling on the floor behind him, familiar and slug-like? Ben notices nothing, and goes back downstairs.INT. DOWNSTAIRS - DAYBen loiters outside the living room - reluctant to get backto cleaning. We hear the rest of the family through the door - DADCome on. It’s a good lesson in theconsequences of war. You’ve got tobe able to clean up after yourself.Not leave things in a mess. MUMI think we might have to move...Ben tip-toes past towards the kitchen. And as he does so, alittle fart escapes him, giving him away. A tense moment -Ben? DAD (O.S.)Ben looks up - to camera. A sudden and frightening thought.An innocent trump, or does a part of the monster still live? THE END ?