A Driven Woman

20 The following morning at eight thirty, Sam was back inRattigan's library. Her manner was subdued, knowing what wasto come. She had received some rough treatment at Rattigan'shands, but they had shared a lot together and she felt strangelyclose to the man. It was a shame that their growing friendshipwould not survive the next half hour. 'How is Martin?' she asked when they were seated. 'He's fine. A little quiet perhaps, but the young recoverquickly don't they?' 'Can I see him?' 'Certainly. I'll take you up in a moment. But first, I havesomething for you.' Crossing the big room, Rattigan stopped before a roll-topbureau and opened one of its drawers, from which he extracteda long manila envelope. Returning to stand before her, he heldthe envelope out to Sam. 'What is it?' 'Open it. It's not sealed.' Bewildered, Sam took the envelope and lifted the flap,sliding the enclosed papers into her hand. Dumbly she staredat them. Her mind, troubled with the thought of what she hadcome to tell Rattigan, refused to focus properly. She got nofurther than the word 'Deed' before her mind gave up, circlingaround on itself. Deed? This was a deed? Why was Rattiganshowing her a deed? 150

'I don't understand,' she said. 'What is this?' 'It's the deeds to that field I bought. The one you wanted.' 'Are you…are you offering to sell it to me? I…I can't affordto buy it. I don't have the money.' She thought briefly of the cheque she had given Jezz andfelt momentary regret. Angrily she shook the thought from hermind. Rattigan was speaking to her. '…not an offer. I'm giving it to you. It's yours.' 'Giving it to me? For free? But…why?' 'It's my way of apologising for dragging you into all this. If Ihadn't involved you, you would never have been shot. 'But you didn't involve me. The kidnappers…' 'No. They sent their messages through your office. Thatcould have been the end of your involvement. But I doubtedyou. I refused to ride that bike, forcing you to come with me.This is my way of making it up to you. Think of it as compen-sation for the pain and suffering you were caused.' 'I can't accept this.' 'Yes you can.' 'No really, I can't. It's too much. I don't deserve it.' 'I think you do. And thanks to you, we know who the kidnap-pers are. One of them at least. They'll pay for what they'vedone to Martin.' 'Thomas, I…' 'I'm not willing to negotiate on this matter. You should knowme well enough by now. I can be extremely stubborn. Pleasetake it and we'll say no more about the matter. Now let's talkabout this man Donovan. I haven't spoken to the police yetbut…' 'Thomas, listen to me. I have something to tell you. Pleasewait until you hear what I have to say. Then…well, if you stillthink I deserve this, I'll accept it with heart-felt thanks.' 'Very well. What is it you have to tell me?' 'Oh God. This is so hard. I know who the other kidnappers 151

were.' 'You do? That's excellent. I'll phone the police now and…' 'No! Let me tell you the whole story first.' Rattigan looked as though he would argue but then, seeingthe pain on Sam's face, he subsided into a chair and listenedcarefully as she explained how she had uncovered Jezz'sinvolvement in the kidnapping. Briefly she recited her conver-sation with Jezz the previous night. 'So he knows we're on to him,' Rattigan broke in. 'That'sunfortunate, but it won't save him. The police will track himdown wherever he hides.' 'He's gone abroad.' 'What makes you say that?' 'I told him to. And I gave him money. Quite a lot of money.' 'You did what? Are you mad? Why the Hell…?' 'Because I don't want to see him go to jail,' Sam burst out.'Because he was a good friend to my father and he's helped mebuild a successful business. Oh, I know it was stupid of himto…' 'No. It wasn't stupid. It was criminal. And he deserves to bepunished. You can't expect me to just ignore what's happened.Good God, he stole my nephew from me!' 'I know. I know. But Jezz isn't evil. He's just….bitter. He'slost so much, can't you see that? It's affected his judgement. Hesaw a chance to make a lot of money and he grabbed it. But henever hurt Martin, did he? And he let him go, even though henever received a penny. That's not the action of an evil man, isit? He never wanted anyone to get hurt.' 'And what about his…colleagues. They shot you, or had youforgotten?' 'No. And I wish there was some way to punish them withouthurting Jezz. But there isn't, and I'd rather they walked awayScot free than see Jezz in prison for the rest of his life.' 'That's hardly your decision…' 152

'No it's not. It's yours. But I'm asking…no, I'm beggingyou…let him go. Let them all go. It's over. You have yournephew back. Just forget it ever happened. Please. If not forJezz's sake, then for mine.' Rattigan stared at her for a long time then turned away andwalked once round the room. Arriving back before her heplanted his feet firmly apart and tilted his chin up a shade. 'I'msorry,' he told her. 'But I'm not prepared to forget this matter.My nephew has been put through days of suffering, not tomention my own anguish. I will not…' 'Uncle.' Rattigan spun around and stared at his nephew who wasstanding in the doorway. The youth looked pale and tired, hisnormally cheerful face drawn and serious. 'Martin! What are you doing out of bed?' 'I heard Sam's voice. I came down to say hello. I heard whatyou were talking about. I think you should let them go.' 'Do you now? And why is that?' 'I liked Jezz. I don't want to see him in jail either. I thinkSam did the right thing.' 'Well I think that just proves that you’ve been mixing withthe wrong company. Those men are thugs. Criminals. Theybelong in prison. And that's where I intend to see they end up.' 'Then I hope Jezz gets away. I hope he runs to the ends of theearth and the police never find him.' 'I hardly think your opinion in this matter counts for much.' 'Why not? Because you think of me as a child? Well I'm not.I'm eighteen, uncle. A man. I can make my own mind up aboutserious matters.' 'That's enough. This doesn't concern you any longer…' 'Doesn't it? I was the one who got kidnapped wasn't I? AndSam was the one who got shot. If she can forgive Jezz, and socan I, why can't you?' 'Am I the only sane person in this room? Damn it, these men 153

committed a crime. Am I the only one who cares about that?' Rattigan looked from his nephew to Sam and back again,seeing no support for his views. Exasperated, he ran a hand through his hair and growled,'Very well. Have it your own way. I'll say nothing to the police.We’ll simply let these men continue their criminal careersunopposed. Let's just hope they haven't gained a taste for thekidnapping business shall we?' 'Thank you uncle,' Martin said quietly. 'Now, I'm feelingrather weak. I think I'll go back to bed. You will visit me againwon't you Sam?' 'Of course.' With a small wave of his hand Martin left the room. Theycould hear him mounting the stairs. Neither said a word untilthey heard his bedroom door shut. 'I hope you're satisfied,' Rattigan spat. 'I'm sorry Thomas. I really am. But thank you for agreeingnot to tell the police. It means a lot to me. I'm only sorry thatthis had to come between us. I had hoped we would be friends.' Rattigan let out a harsh bark of a laugh. ''Hah! If only youknew what I had planned for today.' 'What?' 'Never mind. It's out of the question now.' 'Tell me. What had you planned?' He glared at her with barely suppressed fury. 'Very well, if you must know, I had planned to ask you tomarry me.' Sam dropped her eyes to the carpet. 'I see. Well perhaps it's for the best.' 'And just what the hell does that mean?' 'It means my answer would have been 'no'.' Rattigan looked stunned. 'Do you mean that?' 'Yes. It would never have worked. We aren't compatible.' 'Why not? What's wrong with me?' 154

Sam sighed. 'It's not a question of right and wrong. We'rejust not compatible. The man I marry, if I ever do marry, wouldhave to be more…more loving.' 'But I do love you.' 'Perhaps. But you don't know how to show your love. You'retoo cold, too commanding. Too driven.' 'I have to be driven. I have responsibilities. My nephew…' 'I know. And you've done a good job of looking after him.But tell me, when he was a child, did you ever hug him?' 'Hug him?' 'Yes. did you hold him in your arms? Did you sing him tosleep at night when he was scared?' 'He had a nanny.' 'Yes of course he did. But you were his father and mother,his flesh and blood, the person who cared for him more thananyone else in the world. Did you let him know that?' 'I looked after him the best I knew how. I worked hard, builtup a business. He never wanted for anything. When I'm dead hewill inherit…' 'Thomas. Please, just answer my question. Did you ever hughim?' 'No.' 'I thought not. The man I could marry would have huggedthat poor, lonely little child.' 'I see. Then your mind is made up?' 'I'm sorry, but yes.' 'Then it's as well I never asked you the question. I'll see youout.' 'This deed…' Sam began, holding out the envelope. 'Keep it!' he barked. 'I've told you. You've earned it. It wasn'ta marriage gift. I don't want it back. I wish to hell Charles hadnever talked me into buying the damn field. It's caused nothingbut trouble: you thinking I had bought it to spite you, my think-ing you had kidnapped my nephew because of it.' 155

'What do you mean, \"Charles talked you into it?' 'He came to me a few days after we had tea. He told methat you were planning to build a race track next door. He saidyou'd persuaded him to conceal it from me when I was buyingthis place but that his conscience was troubling him. I shouldn'thave listened to him but I was angry at you about your givinglessons to Martin, so…' 'I understand,' Sam said woodenly. 'I'm going now. I'll comeback in a few days and visit Martin if I may?' 'Of course.' * 156

21 'Really, my dear. That colour is most unsuitable.' Sam snapped out of her musing and focussed on her friend.They were having a quiet lunch time drink in the big Grass-hopper but Sam was having trouble keeping her mind on theconversation. She kept going back over the scene with Ratti-gan the previous day. He had told her he loved her, had evenproposed, sort of. Had she done the right thing? 'Sorry Cyn,' she said, 'I was drifting. What did you say?Something about colour?' 'That thing round your neck, my dear,' she said, indicatingSam's sling. 'It really doesn't go with your outfit. Didn't theyhave something in green?' 'It's a bandage, Cyn. They don't come colour-coordinated.' 'Well you might have at least chosen a t-shirt to match. Blackand cream is so...obvious.' Sam smiled at her friend. 'What's up?' 'I don't know what you mean.' 'Yes you do. You've been tetchy ever since we got here.Something's bugging you. Tell me.' 'Well if you really must know, it's that infernal man.' 'Thomas? What's he done now?' 'The stupid man doesn't know when he's well off.' 'Oh. I see. He didn't fall for your charms then?' 'I really don't know why I wasted my time on him. We haddinner on Tuesday evening, at the Manor. You remember I told 157

you he'd invited me? Well, it was a disaster. A plain disaster. Hedid nothing all evening but talk about you.' 'Oh.' 'Oh indeed. You may be my best friend in the whole worldbut I could do without hearing your praises sung non-stopfor three hours. Well I tell you, after what I had to endure onTuesday night, I wash my hands of him. I will waste no moretime on Mr Thomas Rattigan. You can have him with my bless-ing.' 'Thanks, but I don't want him.' 'Of course you do. And he most patently wants you. Much asit irks me to admit it, he clearly prefers your fresh-faced, inno-cent, boyish good looks to my more sophisticated charms. Soyou shall be the new mistress of the Manor and I shall be yourfaithful friend who pops round for tea on the lawn.' 'Cynthia. I mean it, I'm not interested in Thomas.' 'Have you told him that?' 'Yes.' 'Ah. I begin to see. That would explain why he had such ahang-dog expression all the time he was extolling your virtues.Unrequited love.' 'It's not love. It's just…infatuation…or something. I don'tthink Thomas is capable of truly loving anyone.' 'My dear! Can you hear yourself? Such bitterness! And youexpect me to believe you don't love him in return?' 'Cynthia. Can we drop this subject please. I really don'twant….' 'No we can't! As your best friend I feel it is my duty to havethis out here and now.' 'Cynthia, please…' 'Listen to me, you stupid girl. This man is quite obviouslyhopelessly in love with you and you, despite your protestationsto the contrary, are obviously equally smitten with him. So tellme, just what do you imagine the problem to be?' 158

'I'm not imagining problems! He's a cold, arrogant, domi-neering….' 'Oh is that all!' 'All? How can you say \"all\"? The man is incapable ofshowing love! I want a man who will woo me, who'll whispertender words of love to me, be romantic….' 'You really did miss out didn't you? All those years ago whenwe were teenagers.' 'What do you mean?' 'I mean, my dear, that you're talking like a sixteen year old.Oh, all that romance nonsense is fine when you’re a teenager.But it doesn't last you know. Take it from me. I know!' 'But you never married for love. You just….I mean you….' 'I what? I hooked a man for his money? His prospects? Isthat what you think?' 'I didn't mean…' 'Yes you did. But you're wrong. That first time, I married forlove. Oh, Teddy came from a good family and he had pros-pects, but that wasn't why I married him. I was madly, head-over-heels in love with him. Quite insane with love. I wouldhave married him if he'd been a tramp.' 'I never realised.' 'No. Well you wouldn't. At the time you were, I recall,fending boys off with filthy looks. You were as likely to fightthem as date them. You wouldn't have recognised love if it bityou. But I was in love with Teddy. I thought we would spendour lives together in some idyllic dream.' 'So what happened?' 'Reality happened, as it almost always does. So I grew up.When I married Roger, it was for sound reasons. He had a goodbusiness. He was kind. He had nice manners. And he did what Itold him to.' 'And that's what you think I should do? Marry Thomasbecause he has a good business and a big house?' 159

Cynthia sighed heavily and her voice lost its heat as shecontinued. 'No my dear. That's not what I think. I think youshould marry him because he's a good man, a man who clearlyfeels deeply for you, even if he can't express those feelingsproperly. Listen to me. Thomas isn't like other men. He can'tsweep you off your feet with silvery words and romanticgestures. But his heart is good, true. A man like that doesn'tpromise you the moon with no intention of fulfilling hispromises. You say you want true love? Well perhaps this is it.But don't make the mistake of judging the present by the paperit’s wrapped in. Don't listen to what a man says. Words are socheap. Look at what he does. That's the true measure of hisworth. Take that nephew of his for instance. What's his name?' 'Martin.' 'Martin. That's right. Dishy looking boy. Pity he's not older.But never mind that. You say you don't believe Thomas iscapable of love. Well from what I saw the other night he simplydotes on that boy. He couldn't have been more concerned forhis welfare if their roles were reversed and he were the nephewtending a rich, sick uncle.' 'I know. He…something happened recently…I can't tell youabout it but…yes, I know he loves Martin. But that doesn'tmean…' 'Will you listen to me! I'm trying to give you the benefitof my years of experience with men. God knows it's cost meenough to acquire. We agree that Thomas loves his nephew.And yet, from what I saw, they aren't demonstrative in anyway. Do you agree?' 'Yes. I know Thomas finds it hard to show his emotions evento Martin.' 'Well there you are. His inability to show emotion doesn'treflect on the depth of emotion he feels. He may not be able towoo you, but his love will be strong and constant. That's morethan you can say for most men, especially the silver tongued 160

ones.' 'I understand what you're saying Cyn. But I don't think Icould live with a man who can't show love.' 'Then you'll simply have to change him.' 'I can't. He's a grown man. Almost forty. It's too late to…' 'Nonsense. Of course he'll change. Men always do. A manwithout a woman is incomplete, unformed. It's our duty tochange the men in our lives, to make them better. It's up to youto show him how to exploit his potential.' 'But he's so deep, so much of him is hidden beneath thesurface…' 'Deep is good. Don't you see? Who wants to spend their lifewith a man whom they know inside out? A man who can neversurprise you? I certainly don't, but I've had to, twice. I won't bemaking that mistake again.' 'Anyway, all this talk is purely academic. Thomas won't beasking me to marry him. I made it quite plain to him how I felt.Now please, let's talk about something else.' 'Very well. I saw Charles the other day…' 'Oh God!' '…and he seemed most unhappy. Apparently you've beenavoiding him. Or so he thinks.' 'It's true. He keeps ringing me at work. I told them to say I'mout.' 'So what's going on? Is it about Rattigan? Charles did seemextremely jealous that day at the Manor when Thomas waspaying you too much attention.' 'He was more jealous than you know. He went to Rattigan afew days later and persuaded him to buy my field.' 'Why on earth would he do that?' 'I suppose he thought it would finish any hopes Thomas hadof stealing me away, as he would see it. And it would haveworked too, if I hadn't found out.' 'It doesn't surprise me a bit. He was always a little weasel 161

when we played together as children. That's why he's such agood estate agent. So what are you going to do about it?' 'I don't know.' 'You should confront him. You can't just go on avoiding himforever.' Sam sighed. 'I know. And I will. But not right now. I don'tfeel up to it.' Sam left Cynthia at the pub and rode slowly back to SpeedMachine, her mind in turmoil. As she rolled onto the fore-court, her heart sank at the sight of Charles Fletcher's BMWparked in the spot that had been occupied, for as long as shecould remember, by Jezz's trike. Resisting the temptation toturn around and flee, she made her way into the office whereCharles was sitting reading a grubby motorcycle magazine witha look of vague distaste on his face. 'Ah there you are,' he cried, standing up and following herthrough to her office. 'I just popped by to see how you were. Iheard that Jezz had left. I couldn't believe it. I thought he was afixture of the place. How are you coping?' 'I'm managing to hold it all together. But I'm very busy,Charles. This isn't really a good time….' 'Of course. I'm sorry. But I've been trying to get you fordays. It began to seem like you were deliberately avoiding mycalls. If it's about my selling your field to Rattigan…' 'Charles, I really don't want to talk about this at the moment.' 'Well, I can understand you being mad at the man. I mean itwas a pretty underhand thing to do. But I don't see why you'retaking it out on me. As I told you, I'm contractually boundto put any offers received to the vendor. There was nothing Icould do.' 'That's not quite true, is it Charles?' 'What do you mean?' Thomas told me what happened.' 162

'What's he been saying? Whatever it is, it's a damn lie!' 'Charles. Please don't make it any worse. I think I understandwhy you did it and…' 'Now just wait a minute. Why the hell should you believewhat that scheming son-of-a-bitch tells you? I swear Sam…' 'Stop it Charles! It's no good. I know the truth when I hearit. You went to Rattigan and told him to buy my field. You gothim all worked up about how I'd deceived him.' 'That's nonsense! He's fed you a pack of lies and you'vefallen for them because he's rich. That's the truth, isn't it? Hismoney has blinded you. You can't see what a manipulative,arrogant, pompous swine he is. The bastard thinks he canjust waltz in with his big house and his tan and take my girl-friend…..' 'I am not your girlfriend!’ Sam shouted, glaring at Charles. ‘I never have been and I never will be, nor anything else.Certainly I'll never be your wife. Do you understand? Can youget that through your jealous, twisted mind? Can you?' 'Sam, I…' Suddenly Sam felt exhausted. 'Charles,’ she said morequietly. ‘Please, just….go away. I understand why you did it.I know how you feel about me. But it's hopeless, can't you seethat? I don't feel the same about you. I never will. We've knowneach other such a long time…' 'And you're prepared to throw all that away?' 'All what? We were friends, that's all. And you were the onewho threw that away when you went behind my back with yourmad jealousy.' 'But I love you Sam. I've always loved you.' Sam nodded sadly. 'I know. I know. But now it’s time youstopped loving me and found someone who can love you back.' 'So he's won. You're going to marry that bastard.' 'Rattigan? Are you mad? We're barely on speaking terms.Charles just...just…go away, will you? Leave me alone.' 163

After Charles had left, Sam sat at her office desk and placedher head in her hands. Oh God, why did things have to be so complicated? A monthago her greatest worry had been raising the money for her field.Back then she had barely spared a thought for men. Now, shehad two men proclaiming their love for her, and she wantedneither. It was ridiculous! She knew she wasn’t special. What wasit about her that attracted the likes of Charles, a man who hadnever sat astride a motorbike in his life, or Thomas Rattiganwhose sorry past had caused him to hate bikes? How couldeither think that Sam could be a suitable match for them? Well, declarations of love notwithstanding, her man prob-lems must surely now be at an end. She’d just told Charles toget out of her life in no uncertain terms, and Rattigan wouldprobably never speak to her again as long as he lived. So she would have her wish, her wish to be alone. * 164

22 Three days later Sam stood once more on the steps ofBerkley Manor. Rattigan answered her knock. He looked tired,she thought. Dark circles stood out under his eyes and hischeeks looked pinched, as though he'd lost weight. 'I came to see Martin,' she told him. 'I hope you don't mind.' 'Of course not, Miss Hayward,' he replied with gruff formali-ty. 'Please come in. He's in the library.' Martin looked up from the book he was reading and smiledbroadly as Sam entered the room. 'Hi,' he said cheerfully. Behind her, Sam heard the door closequietly as Rattigan left the room. 'Hi, yourself. You're looking much better. How are youfeeling?' 'I'm fine. Uncle keeps fussing over me but I feel great. Howabout you?' 'I'm healing,' she said, taking a seat on the sofa and settlingher arm more comfortably in its sling. 'I still can't ride a bikethough. I'm afraid your lessons will have to wait another weekor so. That's if you intend to go on with them?' 'Of course I do. Nothing's going to keep me from gettingback on a bike.' 'Not even your uncle? Does he know you intend to continuewith your lessons?' 'Yes. We talked about it a couple of days ago. He says I'mmad, but he can't stop me. To be honest, he didn't put up as 165

much of a fight as I expected. I think he's got other things on hismind.' 'Oh?' 'Yes. I don't know what it is, but for the last few days he'sbeen very strange. Sort of moody, but kind as well. Yesterday,he said the strangest thing.' 'What was that?' 'He asked me whether I resented not being hugged as a child.' 'Ah. And what did you say?' The youth shrugged. 'I told him it was okay. I mean, I neverreally knew I was missing out, did I? Most of my friends'parents were just like uncle. They never hugged and kissed oneanother either.' 'That must have come as a relief to him.' 'Oddly enough, it didn't seem to cheer him up much at all. Idon't think he's been sleeping too well either. I hear him movingabout downstairs in the night.' Sam thought about the dark rings under Thomas' eyes. 'Is heeating all right?' she asked. 'I'm not sure. I've been having my meals in bed until yester-day. But he definitely isn't himself. He won't even answer thephone. He just says, \"Take a message\", but then he doesn't ringback. Do you know why he's acting so strange?' Sam flushed guiltily. 'Why on earth are you asking me?' 'Well, I thought it might have something to do with you.' 'Oh?' 'Yes. Only, when you left the other day, he was in a filthymood. He locked himself in the study. I think he was drinking.That's not like him at all.' 'I see. Well, whatever it is, I'm sure he'll get over it soon.' Martin seemed to sense that Sam didn't want to discuss thematter further, and changed the subject. 'Have you heard from Jezz?' he asked. 'No. I expect I'll get a postcard one day from somewhere 166

sunny. I hope so. I'd like to know he's all right.' 'So would I. It must be difficult for you without him to helparound the shop.' 'God, you wouldn't believe how hard it is. Jezz had a way ofalways looking as though he was doing nothing, but now thathe's not there, there seem to be a million things that he used totake care of. I've been run off my feet for days. I shall have tofind a replacement or I'll never find time to ride bikes.' 'What about me?' 'What about you?' 'As a replacement for Jezz. I admit I don't know much aboutbikes yet but I can learn. You could teach me. I'd like to learnthe mechanical side. I could go to college on day release andtake my engineering exams. And I could help around the office.I'm very organised. And I …' 'Whoa! Hold on. When did you come up with this idea?' 'I've been thinking about it for days. There's been nothingelse to do.' 'Have you mentioned it to your uncle?' 'Not yet. I thought there'd be no point in arguing with him ifyou didn't want me anyway. So do you?' Sam paused for a long moment as she thought the novel ideathrough. Of course, no one could replace Jezz, but she definitelyneeded help, and Martin was smart and friendly. The custom-ers would like him, and no doubt, in time, if he set his mind toit, he’d know as much about bikes as she did. Well, almost asmuch, she corrected herself. 'I suppose…’ she said slowly, ‘...yes, it could work. We couldstart you off in the salesroom. That's a good way to becomefamiliar with the bikes. Then….' 'Terrific! When can I start?' 'Hold on. It’s not that easy. There's a condition. You have toget your uncle's agreement.' 'But I'm eighteen. I don't need his permission.' 167

'I didn't say permission. I said agreement. I don't want tocause a family rift. If you can talk him around, all well andgood. If not…well, let's see what he says, hmm?' 'Then I'll ask him now. Will you stay with me while I talk tohim? It'll give me courage.' Sam nodded, feeling deep misgivings about the whole thing,and the young man ran to the door and called his uncle. Rattiganentered the room, giving Sam a brief glance, his face carefullyneutral. Martin rushed into his explanation and Rattigan listenedwith growing incredulity. 'You can't be serious?' he barked, before the boy could finish.'After what's happened to you, I should have thought you'dlearned your lesson. Motorbikes are nothing but trouble. I can'tbelieve you even want to go near one again.' 'But of course I do. I can't wait to get back on a bike. I lovedthose lessons more than anything I can remember in my wholelife. And Sam says she's willing to give me a job if you agree.' 'Well I don't. This is preposterous! I forbid you to evencontemplate such a course of action. You're going to Universityto study Business. That's what you've always wanted…' 'No uncle. That's what you've always wanted for me. But younever asked my opinion. You just mapped out my future andhanded the plans down to me.' 'That's because I'm a lot older and wiser than you. I knowbetter than you what is good for you. And as your legal guardi-an…' 'Uncle. I'm eighteen. An adult. I can make my own decisionsabout my future. And the future I want has motorbikes in it.' 'I won't hear of it. I forbid you to ever ride one again.' Ratti-gan's face had grown purple with anger but Sam noticed that hetrembled slightly and placed a steadying hand on the back ofa chair, as though the sudden rush of anger had overtaxed hisbody. 'But you rode one,' the boy insisted. 'You saved Sam's life.' 168

'That was different. It was an emergency. I had no choice.' 'But when you were on it, didn't you feel a thrill? Didn't itfeel wonderful?' Rattigan looked trapped, as though the truth were unaccept-able but he was unwilling to lie. 'I refuse to continue this conversation….' he blustered andbegan to turn away. Sam knew instinctively that he was runningaway. He was afraid. 'What is it you have against motorbikes, uncle?' the youthdemanded. 'I don't understand? Why do you hate them so?' 'That's enough! This conversation is at an end. You will notcontinue your riding lessons. You will go to University as weplanned and study Business. And that's an end to it.' The youth stared at his uncle with hatred in his eyes. Sudden-ly he turned and ran from the room. Rattigan watched him go,then seemed to crumple, his body folding in on itself as thoughhe had used up all his strength. He sat down weakly, his expres-sion bleak. Sam said gently. 'He doesn't know, does he?' 'What?' 'He doesn't know about the accident, how his mother died.Does he?' Rattigan looked away. His voice sounded croaky as heanswered. 'No. I never told him. He knows only that she diedwhen he was very young.' 'You need to tell him.' Anger flared briefly in his eyes once more. 'Oh do I? And justwhat good do you imagine that will do him?' 'Perhaps none. But I wasn't thinking only of him. You need totell him for your own sake.' 'I have no idea what you mean.' 'Thomas. It's sixteen years since your sister's death. Sixteenyears. It's time to forgive yourself.' 'What?' 169

'You made a mistake. You were young and foolish. Mistakeshappen. You were unlucky that your mistake cost you so dearly,but it was still a mistake. You didn't mean it to happen, didyou?' 'Of course not, but…' 'And you've done everything you could for Martin. Morethan anyone could have expected. He's a nice lad. Well adjusted,normal. You should be proud of him. I know his mother wouldbe if she could see him now.' Rattigan was silent. 'But he's old enough now to start making his own decisions.You have to let him take those first few steps unaided. You haveto let go.' 'I have a responsibility for him. I can't…' 'No! This isn't about responsibility. It's about guilt. You'vespent the last sixteen years trying to expiate the guilt you feelfor your sister's death. Well you've done it. You've done enough.It's time to let yourself off the hook.' 'I killed her Goddamit!' Rattigan roared. 'I killed my ownsister. Do you think that I can just forget that? Do you?' 'No,' Sam told him calmly. 'You'll never forget, But you'veserved your time. Even murderers get out of jail eventually.Most of them don't even serve sixteen years. And you're nomurderer. It was an accident. An accident! You have to forgiveyourself.' He shook his head. 'I can't! I don't have the right to forgivemyself this.' Sam watched him steadily, seeing his pain, understanding thegnawing sense of guilt that tormented his soul. 'Very well,' she said levelly. 'Then you need to seek forgive-ness from the only person with a right to give it.' 'What do you mean?' 'Martin. You have to tell Martin about his mother's death.' 'Are you mad? I can't…' 170

'Yes you can. And you must, for both your sakes.' 'I can't. I won't. He'd hate me for the rest of his life.' The look on his face now owed more to shock and fear thananger. This was his fear then. The fear of losing his nephew. 'No he won't. He'll understand. And he'll forgive you.' 'How can you be so sure?' 'Trust me,' she told him. ‘I know.' Sam stood in the conservatory, half-hidden behind theverdant foliage, and watched the two men on the lawn. Theyhad been talking for fifteen minutes. Sam had found herself unable to remain seated, her emotionstoo stirred up to allow her to relax. She had paced the library forten minutes and finally taken up position here, in the summer-house, where she could see the distant figures walking sideby side along the boundary fence. Rattigan was a good headtaller than his nephew, but he walked with his head bowed ashe talked. Sam's heart went out to him. Please God, she prayed,don't let me be wrong about this. She saw the taller figure break away and start back towardsthe house. Quickly she returned to the library and sat on theedge of her chair until Rattigan entered. 'How did he take it?' she asked hurriedly. 'I'm not sure,' Rattigan told her, his voice deep and husky. 'Hesaid very little. He asked to be alone for a while, to think.' 'He needs time to absorb it,' she agreed. 'It must be quite ashock for him. But he'll be all right.' 'You really think it was the right thing to do?' Rattigan's facebore a pleading look. 'Don't you?' she asked. 'I don't know,' he moaned. 'I always meant to tell him…oneday, when he was old enough. But that day never seemed tocome. I suppose, in my heart, I still think of him as a child.' 'That's the way all fathers feel about their children.' 'Perhaps. But I'm not his father.' 171

'Aren't you?' He looked up at her sharply, then the lines in his face fadedand he said quietly. 'Sam, I…what happened the other day. Idon't want that to…what I mean is, I still want to be friends. Ifyou do, that is.' 'Of course I do. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings…' 'It doesn't matter. Perhaps you said some things I needed tohear. I've thought of little else since.' 'Have you come to any conclusions?' 'No. I keep coming back to the same place. I had to do whatI did. I worked hard to provide Martin with security for thefuture. Perhaps I should have spent more time with him…no,not perhaps. I know I should have. But I was always so busy. Inever had time. But now…' 'Now…?' Rattigan gave a weak grin. 'Well both Martin and yourselfkeep telling me he's a grown man, capable of looking afterhimself. That means I'm out of a job. Perhaps it's time to startliving my own life.' 'And what does that mean? Your own life?' 'That means you. I want you in my life, Sam. I…' 'Uncle.' Martin stood in the doorway, his face smudged withthe tracks of dried tears. Sam rose and went towards him. 'Martin! Are you alright?' she asked. 'I'm okay. You know what uncle's just told me?' Sam nodded. 'He told me when you were kidnapped. That'swhy he wouldn't ride the bike.' 'I understand that now. I can see how that could put you offbikes for life.' 'And how about you?' Rattigan asked. 'Has it changed theway you feel about them?' 'No. I mean…it didn't happen to me, did it? If it had…well,I'm not sure how I'd feel. But I think…I think I wouldn't want toclose down my life because of one terrible thing, d'you under- 172

stand? Bad things happen, but you can't stop living, stop enjoy-ing yourself. That's giving up. I'm young. I want to enjoy mylife. And that means bikes. It's all I've ever wanted for myself.' 'I see,' Rattigan said sombrely. 'Well it's your decision.' 'What do you mean?' 'What I say. It's your decision. You are, as you've pointedout several times now, eighteen years old. A man. You have theright to make your own decisions. If you want to go and workwith Sam, and if she's happy to have you, then I won't stand inyour way.' 'Do you mean it?' 'You know I never say things I don't mean.' The remark wasaddressed at his nephew, but his eyes found Sam's as he spoke. She half-expected the boy to jump with joy, but instead hemerely nodded his head and said quietly. 'Thank you. Can I askyou a question?' 'Of course.' 'What was my mother like? You've never really spoken abouther.' Rattigan looked as though he had been hit. His face sagged ashe answered, hesitatingly at first, then with growing emotion. 'She…she was a wonderful person. Very gentle and kind. Andclever, much cleverer than I was. I spent most of my childhoodtrying to match up to the standards set by my big sister. Shealways spoiled me as her baby brother, she was very protective.And then when she grew up and married your father…she lovedhim with a passion that was almost frightening.’ ‘When he...when he died, she was heartbroken. She becamesad and withdrawn. I was away at University so I didn't see hermuch at that time, but I came down for your christening. Shewas so proud of you! We were everything she had: her brotherand her son.' The tears stood out clearly in his eyes as he stum-bled to a halt. 'Do you miss her?' Martin asked, his face wet too. 173

'I've missed her every day for the past sixteen years. I wouldhave given my life in a flash if she could have lived again.' His face crumpled then, the tears coursing down his cheeksas he placed a hand over his eyes and moaned like a strickenbeast. Instinctively, Sam reached out to touch him, to let him feelthe touch of another human being, but Martin had moved morequickly, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around hisuncle's waist, burying his head against his chest. 'It's all right uncle,' he sobbed. 'It's all right.' Sam stepped back, withdrawing her outstretched hand. Fora moment Rattigan stood with the young man clinging to him,looking awkward and confused and then slowly, tentatively, heplaced one hand on the boy's head. The other arm came up andwrapped itself around his shoulders and they hugged. Sam watched with tears in her eyes for a moment longer, thenshe began to tiptoe to the door. Rattigan looked up, his face streaked with tears and openedhis mouth as though to call her back. She shook her head softly. 'I'm going now,' she told him, her heart so overflowing withemotion that the words came out on a sob. 'But I'll pop bytomorrow to see Martin. We can talk about his future in SpeedMachine.' The tall man nodded in silence. She turned to the door, thenturned back. 'Thomas?' she said quietly. 'Yes?' 'That question you didn't ask me on Monday,' she said with asmile. 'Why don't you try asking me tomorrow?' The end. 174