Behavior, Motivation and Self-Control

151 (see relapse prevention, in this chapter and Method #4 in chapter 11-- this is important). Shiffman and colleagues (1997) have explored lapses and relapses. What conditions are associated with lapses? Lapses are most likely to happen in the evening, in settings where the person has smoked before and is hit by an urge, with others who are smoking, when drinking alcohol or coffee, when feeling restless, sad or mad (arguing is a particularly dangerous situation), when the person is inattentive and less likely to use techniques, such as self-talk, for coping with the urges, and on a day when there was a strong urge to smoke upon waking. Note: backsliding may occur when there isn't an intense urge to smoke. The warning signs aren't infallible. But, be especially cautious when warning signs are present, don't get over- confident, learn to talk yourself into exercising self-control, and deal with your negative emotions, don't deny or swallow them. Study relapse prevention carefully. Constantly remind yourself why you are quitting: to live 5-8 years longer, to avoid cancer and heart disease, to make your kids proud of you, to look better, to avoid being a victim of a dirty, deadly, smelly, little habit, etc. Be determined to gain control over your own life-- prove you can do it, even if you have failed several times before. Get serious about a more relaxed and healthy life-style. Good luck, it is a difficult project. Speech problems Speech problems, like stuttering, and learning problems are sufficiently complex you should get professional help. Most schools have a speech and language pathologist and a teacher or psychologist specializing in learning problems. Study behavior can be helped by many of the excellent study skills books available (see reading and scheduling skills in chapter 13; students should see Armstrong,1998; James, James & Barkin, 1998; Ellis, 1997; or O'Keefe & Berger, 1994; parents should look up Sedita, 1989). Don't overlook the important motivation information discussed in this chapter. However, students who are already unmotivated in school may feel \"lectured\" or \"talked down to\" by some books in this area. Perhaps a lot of gentle, unpushy but persistent attention from parents will help. It is important. Unwanted thoughts and worries Unwanted thoughts and worries, including unwanted fantasies or suspicions, can be treated just like a behavior. That is, they can be controlled by the environment and self-instruction, and they are influenced by immediate rewards and punishment. Three methods are frequently used to change thoughts: (1) thought stopping (chapter 11), (2) paradoxical intention (chapter 14), and (3) scheduling a

152 specific time to worry, say 5 minutes every hour and the entire time must be spent on the worry (which isn't permitted any other time). Chapter 14 has a discussion of Stopping bad memories or thoughts. For jealousy and suspicions, see chapter 7. For more serious obsessive disorders, see chapter 5 and a therapist. Time management is a skill; see chapter 13. Tics have been eliminated by massed negative practice, i.e. forcing the tic to occur rapidly over and over while experiencing something unpleasant, such as smelling salts (Hersen & Eisler, 1973). Toilet training, while not self-help, has been taught rapidly using attention, shaping, and lots of rewards (Azrin & Foxx, 1976). Workaholism Workaholism is an addiction to work; it has been called the least recognized and, therefore, one of the more dangerous addictions because it often looks like wholesome hard work which is praised and rewarded. How can you tell the difference? Workaholism as a word should probably be limited to an unhealthy over-involvement with work that results in neglect of the family, poor relations at work, absenteeism and nonproductivity, eventual burnout at work, and/or health problems due to stress. In such cases, it is obviously a disorder. There are probably several kinds of workaholics (Killinger, 1997), including the people happily and highly invested in their work (\"I love it but the wife doesn't like it and I miss being with my kids\") and employees driven to overwork by fears, threats, perfectionism, compulsiveity, or competition. The happy 10-hour-a-day person who feels his/her life work is important and has a good family life, meaningful relations at work and with friends, would not be seriously labeled a workaholic. Robinson (1998) describes the unhealthy workaholic personality but in this book mostly discusses dealing with it in Cognitive therapy. In an earlier book, Robinson (1992) suggests self-help methods for slowing down, deciding what is important in life, and re-building strained relationships (see other books below). Certainly liking your work is better than hating it, but few jobs are worthy of all your time even if you love it. If you work more than 50 hours a week, you need a honest understanding of why you are driven. Do you really enjoy your work that much or is it a way \"out of the house,\" \"a way to make up for your inadequacies and low self- esteem,\" \"a control compulsion,\" or \"an escape from the spouse?\" Are you driven by some need--power, control, status, money, success, compulsive perfectionism, or a guilty conscience? If your motivation isn't clear, talk with your family or even your colleagues or see a therapist. Try to find the right job, relax, exercise, and don't neglect your family (Fassel, 1993; Morris & Charney, 1983; Oates, 1979). Often greater efficiency is more important than long hours. As an example, see study skills in chapter 13. Although it is just getting

153 started, Workaholics Anonymous (http://www.workaholics- anonymous.org/about_workaholism.html) may provide some information and WA group locations. When to seek professional help A wise self-helper will, of course, realize his/her limitations. Professional help is needed if the problems are too severe for self-help, this includes behaviors beyond one's control: serious alcoholism, drug abuse, suicidal depression, intense hostility (where there is any risk at all that someone will be hurt), confusion, criminal tendencies, or any problem serious enough to interfere with school or work. Professional help is also appropriate if you have made a couple of genuine attempts to help yourself without success. Don't be ashamed of your self-help efforts and don't hesitate to seek expert help. It's just smart. There are complex issues involved in selecting a good therapist for your particular problem. A section in chapter 2 gives best advice I have about Finding a Therapist. Bibliography References cited in this chapter are listed in the Bibliography (see link on the book title page). Please note that references are on pages according to the first letter of the senior author's last name (see alphabetical links at the bottom of the main Bibliography page).