Thesis F

communities. The adoption of kin by Filipino student organizations provided younger members with mentorship from veteran members to navigate college, as Paolo and Eddy described: When I started at [CSU Long Beach], I joined the Filipino club and because I was a freshman and I wanted to have friends. I feel like joining the Filipino club helped me learn about my culture more than my parents did . . . . all this history, and like I learned about decolonization and the importance of knowing heritage. (Paolo) I found Kasamahan [the Filipino student association at the University of San Francisco] and I wanted to be more Filipino . . . . at that point, even my undergrad thesis was about, you know, Filipino identity and everything. I think very much then, it was trying to find my heritage culture, and so I felt like I had a sense of identity. (Eddy) TABLE 5. Regional Ethnic Awareness (N = 38) f % Response 27 71.1 Lived in a predominantly Asian neighborhood/setting 11 28.9 Lived in a predominantly non-Asian neighborhood 4 10.5 Experienced racial bullying 20 52.6 College/university positively influenced ethnic identity awareness Trauma in the Family A number of participants discussed their families’ histories of forced migration and the effects of a subsequent transmission of trauma between generations. Intergenerational trauma has been researched among groups with significant exposures to trauma (e.g., Holocaust survivors, Japanese interment camp survivors, and Southeast Asian refugees). Their recurring symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorders (PTSD) are left untreated as a result of barriers to accessing treatments for their increased psychological distress and has lasting implications for their children’s development and acculturation (Maffini & Pham, 2016; Lin & Suyemoto, 2016). Some participants described their families’ active avoidance of trauma-related reminders by refusing to pass down the remnants of their heritage identities. Rose discussed her father’s unwillingness to have her identify as a Filipino despite being of mixed descent: 45

I didn’t know what being Filipino meant until I got older. Very much like when I asked my dad what I was, he’d be like, “You’re American. You are American.” I was told that growing up, like “Yes, I’m Filipino, but you’re American.” I think he was thinking of like nationality, but that played a big part. Marigold suggests exposure to trauma in their family have limited their passage of traditions: If [my mom] remembers something from her childhood, then she’ll talk to me about it. Like, I think I was drying guava leaves and then she told me, like, my grandma used to burn guava leaves and walk around the house . . . . The practices were there, but it just wasn’t passed down. Other participants recalled their family’s dismissal of their mental health concerns, potentially related to their own avoidance of trauma-related communication. Nook described her journey of accessing mental health care being shut down by her mother: [My mom’s] thought process is, if I don’t say anything, it doesn’t exist . . . . she doesn’t talk about mental health. She kind of jokes about it, if anything . . . . when I brought it up as a teenager, I’m like, “Mom, I think I need to go to therapy,” and she was like, “No, you don’t need it . . . . I don’t want you to get medicated. I don’t want you on anything.” So I would rather have you suppress it, suck it in or whatever? Pete attributed his family’s unwillingness to have strong emotional connections as an obstacle to communicating more openly about emotional needs and mental health: Showing emotion is very hard in the Filipino generation, or especially my generation . . . . with family, it’s like, “what did you do today” as a checklist of accomplishments, like school, work, money, did this . . . . with friends, it’s more like, “I went to work, and then I felt this way. I didn’t have a good day, didn’t feel good.” With my family, it’s not like that, so like purely business. Red shared about her experience in realizing how different mental health is expressed in her own culture and in that of her non-Asian roommate in college: My roommate in college is very much American . . . . I remember when I was asking her like, “What are your insecurities?” She said something along the lines of, “Oh, I feel very insecure when I skip on working out,” and it’s so different than the types of answers that my friends back at home would give me . . . . And mental health, it’s just not talked about in the Asian American community. (Red) 46

Rachel described being encouraged by her mother to act as a “wallflower,” avoiding attention and standing up for herself to minimize conflicts with others: I think my upbringing was very much similar to kind of the model my mom wanted me to do well, not stand out too much, so I think that has impacted me today to have that mentality where I should not speak up or I’m just this kind of like quiet little Asian girl . . . . be submissive, be humble, don’t anything you don’t need to be doing . . . . My mom is actually like that. She’s very quiet, super nice, friendly, or not confrontational, so she definitely pushed a lot of that onto me. (Rachel) A Language of Mental Health and Relationship-Healing A number of participants described benefitting from a Western emphasis on discussing mental health with and outside of their families, including improving their relationships with their families, being able to articulate their emotions, and seeking ways to practice self-care. In reflecting about her mother’s experience parenting her younger sister, Ivy found new ways to have better conversations with her mother: It’s hard to communicate things like mental health, that’s a huge one, mental health and acceptance . . . coming into college and post grad [school], my relationship with my mother is a lot better. I always thought she was very strict, but she’s a little more aware about mental health and how it’s affected her, and how it’s affected me growing up. Nadia provided an example about how her bilingualism in English and a native tongue has allowed her to communicate about mental health with her family: I’ve spoken Bangla like forever now, but now, I think once in a while I’ll speak in English just because I feel like I can articulate myself better . . . I can’t even find the word in Bangla that like means “depression” . . . so I’ll like, use the English word. There’s so many things that I have to explain . . . [in] English, even if my parents don’t understand it because there’s like, really no way out. However, Monica acknowledged cultural obstacles in speaking openly about mental health: I feel like our generation like in America, we value mental health, we value growth, and you know, all these great things that can help us prosper as a person . . . It’s not very within the Chinese to share your feelings or talk about your feelings or just anything, like you’re just internalizing everything. 47

As Jungkook discussed, part of the work is done in acknowledging mental health — it is now an opportunity to reflect inwards about why collective support is necessary: Within American culture, I think there is a huge push for like, just slowing down, getting access to mental health support if needed . . . let’s process, and let’s understand what’s going on internally so we can better ourselves. TABLE 6. Trauma in the Family (N = 38) f% Response 8 21.1 Witnessed intergenerational transmission of trauma 12 31.6 Unable to communicate with family about mental health 6 15.8 American culture values encouraged showing emotions/love Racism and Politics Although Asian Americans primarily identify as Democrats, Mehta (2020) suggests personal circumstances draws some towards the Republican Party’s socially conservative views. 65% of Filipinos and 30% of Vietnamese living in the United States identify as Catholic, while the Vietnamese who immigrated following the Vietnam War are likely to support the anti- communist discourse put forth by Republicans before and during Donald Trump’s reelection campaign (Liu, 2012; Menta, 2020). Some participants discussed the desire to understand their families’ variance in political ideologies, primarily since Trump’s election in 2016, as Mandy has begun to explore with her family: My dad came over [to the U.S.] by boat, and so he’s like pretty traumatized, and he doesn’t want to go back to Vietnam to even visit at all . . . . he’s like, very anti- communist and supports Trump and whatnot . . . . I’m trying to read more to understand like, an objective view of Vietnam more and what actually happened. Jerry discussed political factions within their own family: “[My mom’s] brother’s family, they tend to be more conservative and like, they’re nondenominational Christian, so they have more conversation values. And so, the Trumpism, that, there’s been a more pronounced split.” 48

However, Rose noted her family’s deviance from political beliefs generally associated with her family’s residence in Orange County, a Midwestern mother, and a Filipino father: My family is pretty liberal, in the American sense. They definitely hated Donald Trump. We still text about how much we hate him . . . . We’re in Orange County, my mom is from the Midwest, dad’s from the Philippines . . . . but my mom likes to point out that they were like hella poor growing up, but also just like from the line of poor white folks, poor white immigrants as well. (Rose) Chanbonpin (2015) proposes an intervention of Asian Americans’ colorism in the racial dichotomy of Black and White, related to Kim’s (1999) racial triangulation theory of Asian Americans and the ostracism of non-Asian, non-White people. Some participants shared their parents’ adherence to being “honorary Whites” and being fearful of their neighbors, with their perceived threats resulting from their internalized racism towards Black and Latinx people, as Annie described: Because we live in a community that’s primarily Latino, [my parents] have these like preconceived notions that, for some reason, they just have this irrational fear that, you know, our Mexican neighbors are gonna like rob us if we don’t lock the door. I think it’s just racist thoughts, that or just ethnocentrism, you know? Just thinking that, “Oh, we’re Chinese, we’re better than them.” Ivy discussed being taught to fear Black and Latinx individuals and trust White groups: My parents were very much like, stick with White people and stuff like that . . . . [My parents] started their lives in a very “ghetto” area, seeing Black-on-Black or Black-on- Asian crime, and so they very much became racist in the sense that these people are always trouble . . . . My parents and I have very different political views now . . . . it’s hard to be in a debate with someone who’s so close minded about these things because he doesn’t want to listen. Alfonso and Hazel described their experiences of colorism as members of their family idealized being light skinned as symbolic of having wealth, being of a higher class, and beauty: Especially throughout college, I felt more comfortable around Asian people or people of color, people that looked like me. I often felt like, lower or kind of looked down upon if I were socializing with white people . . . . Because [my grandma] was very Filipino, born 49

in the Philippines, really glorified white for American and if I’m light — she didn’t want me to go outside often to get dark. (Alfonso) My mom like, put people in hierarchies . . . . They acknowledged and respected white people, and they became complacent to their jobs and the positions they’ve had . . . . My mom’s light skinned, and my grandma, she and my other relatives could be mistaken for as white because they’re really light in complexion . . . . Even like, when my mom was offered a higher position [at work] to become a lead, she didn’t take it because she didn’t feel confident. (Hazel) Experiences with Microaggressions A recent editorial by Saxena (2021) for Eater describes the evolution of the “lunchbox” story, captured in pop culture as the signature experience of being ostracized as young Asian Americans having to become aware of their ethnic identity. As Asian Americans are more frequently represented in mass media and as pan-Asian food has become accessible, they are less likely to experience being excluded by their peers. However, a number of participants continue to have (or be accused of) this experience. Elarah discussed being teased in school: I definitely have memories of like, my early childhood of eating something that my mom packed that was like, smelly, and being called like, an alien because I was an immigrant. Ash shared about the shame that came with not having a traditionally American meal for lunch: When I entered American schooling, a lot of it was like, you know, the typical experiences that a lot of people would describe . . . a packed lunch of like Vietnamese cuisine, to like my school, opening it up, and a bunch of kids just with their Lunchables, with their processed foods and cheese, making fun of [mine]. These, and other microaggressions towards Asian Americans, remain common in school and work settings. Sue et al. (2016) describe microaggressions as “brief, everyday exchanges that send denigrating messages to people of color because they belong to a racial minority group” (p. 464). Although they are not uniquely Asian American experiences, the fallacy of being successful model minorities and racial dichotomies may lead Asian Americans to perceive racial microaggressions as perpetuating their ostracism as perpetual foreigners and other stereotyping. 50

Jungkook discussed a microaggression at work about assuming Asians consume dogs: I was talking about like, getting Korean corn dogs, and then my coworker, point blank, was like, “Oh, be careful — like, aren’t there dogs in Korean — like don’t Asians eat dogs?” . . . thankfully, my coworker stepped up who’s like, white and queer . . . like, he knew how to say something and he helped like diverge the situation. Marina discussed a microaggression at work related to an assumption of her being Chinese: I was doing some site visits at work, and I had my mask on, and then the customer was like, “Do you speak Mandarin?” I was like “no” and then he’s like, “Well, then what do you speak? Like where are you from?” He was insistent . . . . Like, I’m something, I feel like an object sometimes, like they’re objectifying me. Brooklyn shared about being teased by non-Asian basketball players for being short and not fitting the stereotypical image of a basketball player: In high school, we were like a bunch of Chinese or Asian high school girls playing on the basketball team so we would go to tournaments, and we would go and like we would travel for a lot of different games or whatever . . . . they would verbally call us chinks or like Asian nerds, like you hear stuff like that when you’re playing or you’re warming up. And so I feel like in a lot of ways . . . . when you play basketball, you want to be tall, and obviously that’s to your advantage, so they would really like look at us, and we were like small . . . . but we would beat them. (Brooklyn) However, Tina shared that her experiences with microaggressions did not have long-lasting effects in her identification as an Asian American: I think in the beginning, I was kind of ostracized, but yeah, I didn’t fit in and I didn’t really make that connection . . . . I think the older I got, you know, people would be like, just call me Asian, like not use that as an insult . . . . you know, like people make jokes, like racist jokes and stuff. (Tina) In-Group Bullying & Exclusion Some participants described distancing themselves from their Asian identities related to their internalization of Asian American stereotype threats, most frequently the “model minority myth.” Millan and Alvarez (2013) define this dissonant experience as internalized oppression. Daniel shared his experience in hearing stereotypes and becoming shameful of being Chinese: 51

I got the implicit message that, you know, Chinese people are superstitious . . . . that was kind of like, one of the many I guess prejudices that I kind of internalized against people who look like me . . . . like Chinese people are selfish, they only look out for themselves and like their immediate family members. Don’t help a stranger, that’s something they do. . . . . I purposely tried to distance myself from or, like, do the opposite of. Marigold also shared about their internalized conflict in appearing as Asian or Filipino: If there were Filipino cultural things, I wouldn’t want to go because I struggled a lot with internalized racism of not wanting to be Asian, because I look Asian, like I look Filipino. Multiple respondents experienced the gatekeeping of Asian-American identities through microaggressions and the process of “intraethnic othering,” as a form of racial oppression that seeks to legitimize an acculturation that is neither perceived as too ethnic to be considered \"fresh off the boat (FOB)\" nor too assimilated, thus becoming “whitewashed” (Pyke & Dang, 2003). Jay described his need to lose an “Asian accent” when speaking English: “I even had like a really thick accent. I only lost my accent after like the age of 18, 19 . . . . I’d be bullied by other Asian Americans, calling me a ‘FOB’ and stuff.” Elarah described a similar experience: When I was younger, because I came [to the United States] when I was 10 years old, it was really important for me to fit into the school I was going to, so I tried to get rid of any accent, or any way that would stand out. Leon and Alfonso described witnessing peers policing what was considered to be an acceptable Filipino identity that was neither too foreign nor too American: Like, my Asian American side growing up . . . . like it was crazy because they were between other Filipinos. They’re like, “You’re not Filipino enough. . . . . There was so much tension between Filipinos who came from the Philippines and Filipinos born here. So they would call us “fake”, and then we would call them “FOBs.” (Leon) There’s a little bit of, like tribalism when it comes to Filipinos too, in which there’s a lot of pride. And if you’re, if you didn’t grow up with that kind of heritage of culture, then you’re not Asian enough. (Alfonso) Mae reflected on her internalized conflict in identifying as a light-skinned Filipino and having limited exposure to her Filipino culture: 52

Some Filipinos will encounter me or they’ll just say, like, I look white or if I’m not Filipino enough, and I’m not as connected as they are . . . . they’ll just assume that I don’t care about the culture just by my skin color. Carmen described an internal crisis of fitting in with her Chinese-identified friends: “I spoke Chinese up until kindergarten willingly because my parents took care of me. Otherwise, I was too ‘Americanized’ to hang out with my more Asian friends.” Aurora shared a contrasting experience about not fitting in with her peers after moving and being around a large group of Asian classmates for the first time: When I moved from Stanton to Westminster, I relocated high schools . . . . that’s when I was exposed to a lot of Asians. I was exposed to bullying, a lot of sense of shame . . . . I was told I was ugly, I was told I wasn’t smart enough. I had a 3.8 (GPA) at the time . . . . Til this day, I still feel like the dumb one. TABLE 7. Racism and Politics (N = 38) f % Response 7 18.4 Believes family members are more socially conservative 2 5.3 Believes family members have prejudices against BIPOC 5 13.2 Experienced colorism or was told to remain light-skinned 5 13.2 Experienced a racial microaggression by a non-Asian individual 4 10.5 Experienced a microaggression by another Asian individual 53

CHAPTER 5 SUMMARY AND IMPLICATIONS Summary of Findings Many participants continue to or have the desire to engage with their heritage culture, including the sharing of food, rituals, and language, centered around the maintenance of family traditions. Although a significant number of participants grew up in self-defined “assimilation- oriented households”, others experienced selective acculturation with a strong emphasis placed on cultural maintenance, consistent with findings by Portes and Rumbaut (2001, 2014). Those who more easily navigated the integration of both cultural identities (becoming bicultural) were more likely to seek opportunities to strengthening their understanding of their heritage cultures in an effort to create new, “authentically Asian American” experiences, consistent with the works of Ku et al. (2013) and Yoo and Kim (2014). When asked about the significance of language in participants’ households, some described an unspoken drive towards being monolingual, regardless of their parents’ ability to speak in English. For others, being bilingual in English and their native tongue caused a role- reversal as they served as interpreters and/or provided assistance to their siblings on their parents’ behalf. Another group of participants found ways to communicate their emotions and mental health concerns to their families through using untranslatable vocabulary in English. The framing of success as achieving the “American Dream” was significant to many participants as a recognition of their families’ sacrifices and perseverance as immigrants. For some, the emphasis their families placed on which college majors and careers were acceptable were related to “stereotype promise”, a phenomenon described by Zhou and Lee (2017) as 54

fulfilling their obligations as model minorities. Others were encouraged to find nontraditional paths towards their own success. Through opportunities to explore their identities independently in college settings, some participants shared about their desire to learn more about their family’s journey to the United States, including reasons for their forced migration and other historical events not discussed by their families or in school curricula, findings consistent with Ocampo (2016). However, many navigate this independently as their families have been avoidant of trauma-reminding conversations, a finding consistent with Lin and Suyemoto (2016). Others have sought ways to facilitate dialogue with their families about their political beliefs and internalized anti-Blackness, particularly in light of the most-recent general presidential election and renewed spotlight on racial injustice in the United States. Finally, many participants described the importance of embracing their biculturalism through a desire to maintain their heritage traditions for as many generations as possible, while appreciative of their privileges and freedoms living in the United States. A number of participants described being critical of heinous moments in American history and recognizing their calls for action in disrupting its repetition. Others described the roles their home neighborhoods played in their ethnic identity formation, from standing out as minorities to being well acclimated among their majority-Asian peers, findings consistent with the works of Cheng (2013), Lung-Amam (2017), and Ocampo (2016). Limitations One of the study’s limitations was the use of non-probable snowball sampling. Although the study’s sample size was sufficiently sized to reach saturation and redundancy, almost all participants were known to the researcher. Consequently, participants of Chinese, Filipino, and 55

Vietnamese descent and levels of education completed (bachelor’s degree or in graduate school) among participants are not fully representative of Asians living in the United States. Many subgroups were unrepresented in the study. Related is the participation requirement of having completed high school in California, a criterion used to select a sample with generally similar experiences. Future studies without financial or time constraints should seek to recruit nationally representative samples to explore the experiences of Asian Americans living in heterogenous, non-Asian dominant communities. The study’s limited time constraints (approximately 1 month between data collection and submission of findings) posed restrictions on identifying additional themes that emerged during the analysis of interviews. Directions for Future Research This study presented findings about the experiences of pan-Asian ethnic individuals living in the Asian diaspora and is one of the first studies to include the experiences of openly- LGBTQ+ identified individuals. Previous studies were assumed to limit discussion to cisgendered, heteronormative experiences. Throughout and at the conclusion of many interviews, participants and the researcher shared the desire to hold more extensive conversations about the embedded anti-Blackness pervasive in Asian American communities and experiences of anti- Asian discrimination, both of which once again came to the forefront of American politics and media throughout the COVID-19 pandemic (ongoing at the time of this study). Additionally, future research should examine the role of generational exposure and representation of Asian Americans in the media and through culinary innovations of fusion foods, as well as the rapid globalization of all things Asian and American. 56

APPENDICES 57

APPENDIX A INTERVIEW GUIDE 58

INTERVIEW GUIDE Reminder of Participants’ Rights: Prior to beginning the interview, I would like to remind you that you have the right to skip any questions and stop this interview at any time. At the conclusion of the interview, I will provide a list of community mental health resources via email. Thank you for participating in this study! Acculturative Experiences: I would like to begin the interview by asking some questions about the development of your cultural identity and its impact on your upbringing. 1. Were you raised in a way that was “American” or that provided exposure to mainstream American culture? • Probe: Do you often participate in mainstream American cultural traditions? o If so, explain level of participation. o If not, please explain. 2. Were you raised in a way that encouraged maintaining and/or provided exposure to a heritage culture? • Probe: Do you often participate in your heritage cultural traditions? o If so, explain level of participation. o If not, please explain. 3. Please explain the effect of your upbringing on your socialization and interaction outside family, including school and work. 4. In which languages do you primarily communicate with your family, at school or work, and with your friends? • Probe: Were you encouraged to only speak English or a heritage language at home? • Probe: Do you believe that your children should only be able to speak English? Please explain. 5. What parts of American culture and your heritage culture are most important to you? Psychological Adjustment: I would now like to ask you about how your acculturation has played a role in your psychological adjustment as an Asian American. 6. Do you more strongly identify as an American or with your heritage culture? What is the significance of your hyphenated identity as an Asian American? 7. Can you describe your relationship with your family and how their immigration experience has impacted you? 8. Has American culture had a positive impact on yours or your family’s life? Please explain. 9. Is it important for you to maintain or develop cultural practices of your heritage culture or of American culture? Please explain. 10. Have you experienced discrimination related to your perceived race or ethnicity? Has this affected your association with your heritage culture or with American culture? 59

Demographics: Finally, I would like to collect some demographic information from you. 11. What is your age? 12. How do you identify in gender and sexual orientation? 13. How many people live in your household? 14. What ethnicities do you identify with? 15. What languages do you speak at home? 16. Where were you born? • Probe: If born outside of the United States, what country were you born in? 17. How old were you when you immigrated to the United States? 18. What is the highest level of education that you have completed? • Probe: If you are currently in college or graduate school, when is your anticipated graduation? That concludes the interview. Thank you so much for participating in this study! 60

APPENDIX B LIST OF PARTICIPANTS 61

LIST OF PARTICIPANTS TABLE 8. List of Participants Pseudonym Age Ethnicity Languages Spoken at Home Education Alfonso 25 Filipino English only Master’s degree Cantonese, Toisanese In grad school Annie 24 Chinese Vietnamese In grad school Vietnamese In grad school Ash 24 Vietnamese Cantonese, Vietnamese Master’s degree English only In grad school Aurora 30 Vietnamese Cantonese Bachelor’s degree English only Bachelor’s degree Bob 25 Chinese English only Master’s degree Tagalog Bachelor’s degree Brooklyn 23 Chinese Tagalog, Ilokano In grad school Vietnamese Master’s degree Carmen 27 Chinese Pangasinan Master’s degree English only Bachelor’s degree Daniel 30 Chinese Mandarin Bachelor’s degree Vietnamese Bachelor’s degree Eddy 26 Filipino/Chinese Urdu Bachelor’s degree English only High school Elarah 26 Filipino Tagalog In grad school Tagalog In grad school Hazel 25 Filipino English only In grad school Vietnamese Bachelor’s degree Ivy 25 Vietnamese English only In grad school English only Master’s degree Jay 31 Filipino Tagalog Bachelor’s degree Cantonese In grad school Jerry 24 Filipino Bangla Bachelor’s degree English only In grad school Jin 26 Chinese English only In college Tagalog In college Jungkook 24 Vietnamese/Chinese English only In grad school Cantonese, Toisanese Master’s degree Kafei 24 Indian Korean In college Cantonese Bachelor’s degree Kevin 30 Filipino English In grad school Cantonese Bachelor’s degree Kya 29 Filipino/Chinese Vietnamese In grad school English only In grad school Leon 27 Filipino/Tongan Mae 25 Filipino Mandy 25 Vietnamese Marigold 26 Filipino/Mexican Marina 25 Filipino/Italian/Czech Michael 25 Filipino/Sri Lankan Monica 26 Chinese Nadia 24 Bangladeshi Nook 24 Filipino Paolo 27 Filipino Pete 25 Filipino Phoebe 26 Filipino Rachel 27 Chinese Red 20 Korean Ren 27 Chinese Rose 26 Filipino/American Sharon 30 Chinese Tablo 27 Vietnamese Tina 27 Chinese/Indonesian 62

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