RAGNI VOL 1 eBOOK

Later, when they were finished with their lovemaking, he slipped out of bed, dressed silently and left. She pretended to be asleep as he left, but she had turned over on her side, thinking about their situation. Have I done something wrong? Did not God give Jaswant to me as a husband? What matter is it if we do or don’t hold a piece of paper stating we are married? It is a mere social formality—a piece of paper, a contract. True marriage comes with a bond of love. This is my right, and I have taken it, and Jaswant is my husband through love. If it is a sin in the eyes of society, I don’t care. If I were to be pregnant with Jaswant’s child, I would declare this child belongs to Jaswant, and no one would be able to say differently, she thought with defiance and anger. Realizing she was tensing herself up, she turned her thoughts to Jaswant and of how he held her in his arms and kissed her gently just moments before. Relaxing, she stretched languidly in bed and fell into a deep sleep. 207

CHAPTER 16 R agni was now a first-year student at K.M.V College in Jullundur. During summer vacation, Ragni had spent some time with Kanwar while she was in Bhatian. Since school had started, Kanwar’s life got busy in sports again, and they couldn’t see each other for quite a while. One evening, sitting in her dorm, she was sad and quiet. Dear God! I am in need of your peace and truth to soothe my heart and spirits. When I find myself awake in the middle of the night, I miss my love, and my worries feel overwhelming. I need to be reminded of your constant love, healing, and grace. Bring peace into my soul that passes all worldly understanding, and make me a light for others to see Your strength, she prayed. The four o’clock, early morning clock bell was reverberating off of the peak of the buildings. Light started forming in her room. It was the angel returning to her. “Please tell me about reincarnation and karmic debt,”  Ragni immediately started in with her questions. “Yes, child, I know you are anxious to know, although you already have demonstrated that you do know. It is difficult for God to believe that there are those who still do not believe in reincarnation and Karma. Your planet has had many reports of past life experiences. Some people have brought  back good descriptions of their past lives, so it should go without question as a fact.”  208

The angel’s voice filled her as the light filled her room. “The closest that I can come to explaining Karma is that you are not obligated to repay your debt from your past life. But if you don’t, you just keep returning to do that. Still, there will be things that you will want to experience based on your experiences in your past lives. Yes, Karma does exist. It exists in the desire to be better, to grow and evolve— look at past experiences as a measure of that. But remember that Karma requires nothing of you. Nothing is ever required. That is your free choice. When you have absorbed this, I will return.” Silence filled the room once again as the light merged back with the Universe, touching the blue stars and moon as it did. Ragni watched until it disappeared.  Kanwar was attending Khalsa College in Amritsar; he had transferred from the local college. He was starting his third year and had quickly estab- lished himself as the team’s captain and premier field hockey player. His roommate, Hermanjit, was also a new transfer student from the region from a small village a few miles from Bhatian. They had known each other from several intra-village hockey matches. Kanwar played defense, and Hermanjit was a high-scoring forward, and, years ago, a friendship, based on mutual respect for each other’s playing abilities, had sprouted. India men’s national field hockey team  represents  India  in international  field hockey competitions and is governed by Hockey India. The team was formerly under the control of  the Indian Hockey Federation. India was the first non- European team to be a part of the International Hockey Federation. In 1928, the team won its first  Olympic  gold medal and until  1960, the Indian men’s team remained unbeaten in the Olympics, winning six gold medals in a row. The team had a 30–0 winning streak during this time, from their first game until losing in the 1960 gold medal final. India also won the world cup.  India’s hockey team is the most successful team ever in the Olympics, having won eight gold medals in 1928, 1932, 1936, 1948, 1952, 1956, 1964. With September in full swing, hockey practices intensified in preparation for the upcoming Inter-College Athletic Competition. Studies took a far backseat in the players’ lives, much to the chagrin of the professors. Kanwar’s 209

mother had wanted him to become a doctor, but his heart wasn’t into it, as one of his professors could clearly see. “Kanwar, why are you even trying to become a doctor?” the pre-medical professor asked in the middle of class one day. Exasperated at his lack of enthusiasm, the teacher continued, “A few years ago, I had a student like you, who thought of nothing other than sports and spent most of his time in the gym. One day, I asked him about his lab work since he had fallen far behind. He said, ‘Teacher, I didn’t come to medical school to become a doctor; I came here to marry my girlfriend. She wouldn’t marry anyone but a doctor. Well, we’re engaged, so now I’m quitting med school!’ Are you going to do the same thing?” he asked jokingly amid the laughter in the class. “No, my girlfriend loves me, not what I do. If I’m not a doctor, it won’t matter to her,” Kanwar replied nonchalantly. “Sounds like true love—a real Laila,” said the professor, alluding to the great female lover in Persian literature. The students snickered at this remark. “Yes, she’s the love of my life. Her love for me shines brighter than the sun reflecting off the top of your baldhead!” Kanwar replied spitefully. “There’s no room in my class for students who disrespect me!” the professor spat. The students were still laughing over Kanwar’s remark, and he refused to be shown up in his own class. The professor was livid, but he knew better than to show that one of his students was getting the best of him. Trying to come back with a smart remark of his own, he said ominously, “You’re quick with your retorts just like they say you’re quick on the hockey field.” Realizing he had milked the professor for all the laughs he could safely get away with, Kanwar decided to get more serious. “Don’t worry, I’m leaving after today. I really don’t want to be a doctor. This afternoon, I’m changing my major so that I can join Air Wing, the pre-Air Force officer’s training,” Kanwar explained. There was silence in the class for a moment. 210

“That’s a great idea. Those are all easy courses dealing with G-forces. That makes sense—we will have more time for hockey.” Hermanjit piped in. “Yes, the coach wants me to practice more. He’s set on winning the State Shield this year, and I told him not to worry, that we’d win it for him,” Kanwar replied. Kanwar smiled. “They let you fly those neat little single engine planes, and I want to be a pilot.” As they entered the cafeteria and carried their food trays to the table, Kanwar continued, “There’s only one thing that’s worrying me now—Ragni doesn’t want me to fly. If she finds out I’m doing this, she’ll flip out. Every time she hears about an airplane, she goes crazy. I have no idea what her problem is,” he said shaking his head. He paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. “I’d appreciate it if you kept this flying business a secret, okay?” Nodding, Hermanjit said, “You know, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Maybe I should join Air Wing too.” Kanwar perked up and said, “Yes, Come on—let’s do it now! It’ll be great!” And the two of them left their half-eaten food and went to the administration building to change their majors. Two days later, the hockey team moved its practices to Jullundur for its final tune-up practices for the Inter-College Athletic Competition to be held at Burlton Park Stadium. Student-athletes from all over the Punjab came to compete in the games, which included track and field, swimming, soccer, wrestling, boxing, weightlifting, volleyball, basketball, and all of the other summer Olympic sports. The winners of the fifteen-day event would travel to New Delhi to compete in the All-India University Tournament. 211

The city was swelled with students and sports fans that came to the games from fifty colleges in the Punjab. As the hockey tournament moved into the last days, the competition and stakes reached a fever pitch. The directors of the hockey federation were all there as were scouting recruits for the upcoming 1972 Olympics. This was a crucial tournament. India had a long history of winning the Olympic gold medal in field hockey, and 80 percent of the Olympic athletes were players from the Punjab. The fans knew that they were seeing the best hockey players that India had to offer. Odds were that the majority of the thirteen-member Olympic team would be playing here today. The semi-final games featured S.G.G.S. College of Chandigarh, versus Khalsa College, Jullundur, and D.A.V. College of Jullundur, versus Khalsa College of Amritsar, Kanwar and Hermanjit‘s team. The stadium was filled to its capacity of over 20,000, with over 500 faculty members, including the sports minister and all the Hockey Federation directors in the top gallery of the stadium. The first game was a rout, a strong S.G.G.S. team over- powering Khalsa Jullundur, 6 – 0. The second game was closer, but Khalsa Amritsar prevailed, 3 - 2, with Kanwar and Hermanjit both scoring goals. The championship match on the last day of the games brought S.G.G.S. College of Chandigarh up against Khalsa Amritsar, Kanwar and Hermanjit’s team. Of all the events held at the tournament, the hockey and soccer finals drew the most fans. Electricity buzzed in the stadium as the fans packed in to watch the teams vie for the state shield. Throughout the match, the noise level built to a feverish pitch, occasionally broken by wild cheers when one or the other team threatened to score. High up in the stands, Ragni and her roommate Anita watched the young men in white and blue race up and down the field. “That number three for Khalsa College of Amritsar is really handsome,” Anita said, pointing to Kanwar. “He’s as cute as he is good.” Players were entering onto the ground from their locker rooms, and the girls were sitting near the entrance on the upper-level. 212

Grinning deviously at her friend, Ragni suggested, “Why not go on the field and hug him if you’re so crazy about him?” “I am not that bold,” Anita laughed in return. “Well, then, I’ll help you,” Ragni said. “After the game is over, I’ll go down to the field as they are leaving and tell him you are in love with him. Maybe he’ll take a walk with us.” “Oh, that’d be a dream,” Anita giggled. “I can make it come true,” Ragni promised emphatically. “That’s easy for you to say while we’re way up here and he’s way down there,” Anita said, trying to call Ragni’s bluff. “In all the time I’ve known you, I don’t think I’ve seen you talk to more than three boys. How would you | ever get up the nerve to talk to the star of the Khalsa team? You’re much too shy and serious.” “Wait and see then. I’ll show you a side of me you’ve never seen before.” Anita grew silent, realizing Ragni was really serious and wondering if she was going to be crazy enough to carry through with this mad scheme. The thought of it made her nervous. “I was only joking, Ragni. I don’t really want to go down there and talk with him—but you sound like you’re serious!” she said, trying to bring Ragni back to reality. Ragni focused her attention back on the match and declared, “I’ve made up my mind. After the game, we’re going down to the exit ramp, and I’m going to talk to him. I’m going to tell him you want to meet him.” For the rest of the game, Anita sat huddled in her seat, terrified of what was going to happen at the end of the game. There were several heart-stopping moments when it looked as if one side was about to score, but brilliant defensive saves by the goalkeepers and 213

defensemen kept the ball out of both nets. When the game ended in a tie, there was a five-minute break before the sudden-death overtime period began. “Isn’t this an exciting game, Anita?” Ragni asked her friend while they waited for the overtime period to start. Anita just mumbled a response, still dreading the end of the match and what Ragni was going to do and hoping she’d forget about it. With two minutes left in the overtime, Hermanjit stole the ball mid- field and had an open-field breakaway. Out-running the last defenseman, he wound up for a slap-shot and blasted it just out of reach of the S.G.G.S. goalkeeper and into the upper right-hand corner of the net. The match was over, and Khalsa College Amritsar had won the state shield! A stupendous roar exploded throughout the stadium, and all the Khalsa college Amritsar players and coaches ran out onto the field, lifting Hermanjit and hugging the other players. “Come on! Let’s get down to the exit ramp so we can get to number three,” Ragni said, tugging on Anita’s arm, whose protests were being drowned out by the roaring crowd. As they waded through the thick crowd, they finally made it to the ramp that led underneath the stadium to the locker rooms as the victorious Khalsa College team was leaving. Leaning over the top of the rail that separated the crowd from the players, Ragni waved her hand and shouted, “Hey, Number three. Over here. Look over here.” Kanwar looked up at the shouting, waving girl, and when he saw it was Ragni, he stopped and lit up. “Ragni. What are you doing here?” He exclaimed happily. “You’re making my friend here crazy. She wants to meet you,” Ragni said, laughing. Anita’s mouth dropped open, and she froze in her tracks. Kanwar nudged Hermanjit and the two boys walked up to where Ragni was standing and gave her a hug. 214

“Ragni, this is my roommate, Hermanjit,” Kanwar said as Hermanjit smiled and nodded to the two girls. Ragni introduced Anita to them as they congratulated them on winning the game. “Can you meet us after you change?” Ragni asked. “Sure, give us a few minutes to shower and change, and we’ll meet you outside the rear entrance,” Kanwar said before they disappeared into the locker room. “Who was that gorgeous guy? And how does he know you?” Anita said, still in a state of mild shock. “That gorgeous guy is your future brother-in-law,” Ragni explained. “He’s really nice—you’re so lucky,” Anita said. “Well, there’s another gorgeous guy that was with him—Hermanjit, the one that scored the winning goal. I don’t think he has a girlfriend,” Ragni said as Anita blushed and looked away shyly. Outside of the stadium, the girls found Kanwar and Hermanjit. “What do you want to do?” Kanwar said. “Our bus is leaving in just a minute. Can you walk us to it?” Ragni asked. “Sure,” Kanwar said as they headed around the back part of the stadium to the four buses going back to Ragni’s school in Jullundur. Just before boarding, Kanwar asked, “What are your plans for Sunday?” “I’m free,” Ragni said. “How about if I come visit you—around five in the afternoon?” “I’ll be waiting for you in the inspection room,” she called out to him as the door of the bus was shutting. 215

There was little time for days off from practice, even after winning the coveted State Shield. Khalsa College Amritsar now had to ready themselves for the grueling All India Tournament, where they would be facing the best from each of the twenty-five states. It was Saturday afternoon, and Kanwar had led the team through a spirited week of practices. He was hoping his coach would allow him to take a little time off so he could see Ragni. “Coach, I know we are leaving this Sunday for Chandigarh, but I was wondering if I could take a later bus and meet you at training camp a few hours later?” he asked the burly coach. “What for?” he asked. “I promised my girlfriend I would meet her at five o’clock on Sunday. I could take the nine o’clock bus and still get in with plenty of time to spare.” “For a girl? No! Absolutely not. There’s too much at stake—not just for me as the coach, but for you as well. Then there are your teammates to consider. You’re their captain. How would it look if I made an exception to the rules for you so that you can see your girlfriend? You have to be a leader and an example for your teammates. We leave together, arrive together, eat and sleep together, and we are going to play and win together. I’m sorry, Kanwar. I can sympathize with your desire to see your girl, but when you joined the team, you knew of the responsibilities and commitments that went along with it. Do you understand?” the coach said, clearly leaving no room for debate. His head hung low, Kanwar knew he was right. “Yes, coach. You’re right. I’ll go with the team.” The clock on the reception room wall chimed five o’clock, and Ragni still couldn’t see Kanwar through the windows. She had anxiously been waiting for half an hour, but there was no sign of him. She tried to imagine where he 216

was—perhaps caught on a bus in traffic on his way here. She could almost see his tall, smiling figure striding through the glass doors up to the reception room. She had a mental list of excuses for the reception room supervisor so that she would be able to leave the school grounds. Everything was planned out, but still no Kanwar. The hours went by, but she still clung to the hope that he would be coming. At eight o’clock, the security guard locked the front door, signaling the end of visiting hours. A dull, empty feeling filled the pit of her stomach as she slowly made her way back to her room, like a criminal denied parole. Maybe he got the week wrong, she thought. Empty and hurting, she waited out the week with anticipation, taking up her vigil in the inspection room the following Sunday. Wasting another three and a half hours waiting for him, she skulked back to her room, barely holding back the tears. They ran freely down her cheeks the minute she closed the door behind her. She could understand why he hadn’t called—the phone system in India was pitifully unreliable—but there was the mail. Why didn’t he at least write? Once her tears had washed away some of her depression, she went to her desk to write a note to Moheeni, who was studying at the D.A.V. College across town from her own school. The next day, she was able to give her message to one of the day students who went between campuses. On Tuesday, an announcement came over the loudspeaker that Ragni had a visitor in the guest reception room. She made her way downstairs and was delighted to see Moheeni waiting for her behind the glass partition. After signing some papers and waiting another twenty minutes, Ragni was allowed to have Moheeni come up to her room. “Did you have any problems getting out of your school?” Ragni asked. “No. As strict as they are with girls in college, once we reach the graduate level, we’re free to do as we wish,” Moheeni explained. Taking a good look at Ragni, she said, “Ragni, is there something wrong? I can see it in your face. 217

Growing quiet, Ragni said, “Well, yes. I saw Kanwar at the games, and he promised to come to see me two Sundays ago. He never showed up. I thought he might have gotten it wrong and was coming this Sunday, but again, he didn’t come. He didn’t write or leave any kind of message. What should I do?” she asked helplessly. “I am sure he’s okay. There must be a good reason why he didn’t show,” Moheeni offered. Ragni touched Moheeni’s arm and said desperately, “Moheeni, will you help me get out of this jail? If I could get out of here, I could go to Amritsar and find Kanwar. I’ve just got to see him. You can tell the hostel warden that there is a family gathering and that you’re taking me out for a couple of days. Once we’re out, we can take a bus to Amritsar. Would you do this for me?” Moheeni thought of the commitments she had to keep but finally agreed. “Okay. How does this Saturday and Sunday sound to you? That way, we won’t miss any classes,” she said. “Okay, Moheeni thanks a lot for doing this for me. I have a lot of love and respect for you.” Ragni was looking in her eyes. “I love you too, Ragni as your elder sister that’s why I am doing it,” Moheeni said, looking at her. The rest of the week went by without a word from Kanwar. Saturday came, and Moheeni showed up at the boarding house with a small packed bag. After dealing with the hostel warden, she was able to get Ragni out of the school and onto a bus headed for Amritsar. Once on the freeway, they settled in for the hour and a half ride to Amritsar. “I feel like a prisoner that’s been granted a brief reprieve from jail,” Ragni joked. “This school is so much different than Sanawar. At least there, I was able to go where I wanted—Kanwar was even able to visit me—not like here.” “Has he tried to come here before?” Moheeni asked. 218

“He tried visiting me once a couple of months ago, but he couldn’t get in. Do you remember that meeting slip that was mailed to you before I started school? They made all of us write a list of all the relatives and others that would have a reason to visit me at the school. Then it was mailed for all your signatures, and then my father had to sign it at the bottom, saying he approved of everyone on the list. Well, I couldn’t put Kanwar on that list. When Kanwar showed up at the school, the supervisor made him fill out a slip, and I was notified that I had a visitor. When I got to the office, the supervisor asked me what my relationship to him was since he wasn’t on the approved list of visitors. What could I tell her? If I told her the truth, she wouldn’t have let me see him, so I told her he was just a good friend of mine and that we had a special bond.” “Well, she didn’t like that at all. She gave me this long lecture on how that kind of relationship had no value here—that thousands of girls in the last one hundred years had graduated from this school, and if they were to relax the rules, they wouldn’t be as highly respected as they have been for the past hundred years. She went on and on, and in the end, she told me that I wouldn’t be allowed to see him. “As I left her office, I could see Kanwar getting the bad news on the other side of the glass windows. All we could do was sadly wave to each other. I was so mad and depressed. I was ready to scream and break something. I went up to my room and cried the rest of the night in frustration,” she said, wringing her hands, the memory of the experience still making her blood boil. Moheeni placed a sympathetic hand over Ragni’s and said, “Listen, next time you want to see him, send me a message through one of the day students. I’ll come and get you out. We can get around their rules. Always remember, you can rely on me, Ragni.” The bus reached Amritsar by four o’clock in the afternoon. Once off, the girls hailed a pedal rickshaw. 219

“Where to?” the rickshaw rider asked. “Khalsa College Hostel,” Moheeni said. The rider strained under the weight of the two girls and pedaled as fast as he could, weaving in and out of the frantic traffic. “There’s no need to go so fast! We’re not in a hurry and don’t want you to wear yourself out,” Ragni told him. “That’s okay—I feel like going fast. Whenever I give pretty women rides, the load seems lighter, and I have more enthusiasm for my work,” he said, laughing as he panted and sweated freely. After a few minutes, they reached the outer gates of the school. “Front gate or inside?” he asked, smiling and panting hard. “What’s the difference?” Moheeni asked. “Front gate, two Rupees, inside, two and a half Rupees,” he said, wiping the sweat off his forehead. Moheeni thought for a moment and then said, “Inside, but wait over there a moment. We must check something out, and then we’ll be back. Don’t worry—we’ll pay you,” she reassured him. The two women went up to the front of the hostel and knocked on the door of room 16. After not getting any answer, they looked about the lobby area. The place was almost empty, except for one student walking by. Moheeni approached him. “Excuse me, do you know Kanwar? He’s one of the field hockey players.” “Yes, I know him very well,” the young man answered. “I tried knocking on his door, but there was no answer. Would you possibly know where he is?” She asked. 220

“Yes, Kanwar left with the rest of the hockey team to play in the All India Tournament in New Delhi. Their plane left at five tonight,” he said. Ragni looked at her watch—it was just now five o’clock. A sick and frustrated feeling started coming over her again. “Thank you very much,” Moheeni told the student. The girls left the hostel and headed back to the waiting rickshaw. “I am really fed up with Kanwar,” Ragni said, her voice shaking and or the verge of tears. “I don’t know why I love him so much. Since he’s come here to this bigger school, he’s become more irresponsible.” “Well, maybe being captain has been taking up more of his time. But you’re right; he could have left a message or at least written to you. Come on, let’s go find something to eat. As long as we’re in Amritsar we may as well enjoy ourselves,” Moheeni said in an attempt to cheer her up. They got into the rickshaw and rode into town to find a restaurant. 221

CHAPTER 17 I t was a good thing that Kishan was out of town since everyone was talking about Jaswant and Moheeni being in love. Whenever Dilawar heard any of the gossip, he tried to put it out of his mind. Though his anger and hatred for Jaswant were gone, his love for Moheeni persisted, and it still hurt him to hear of her being in love with another man. One thing was sure, Moheeni’s heart belonged to Jaswant, and Dilawar now knew he could never win it. Without the anger and jealousy that usually consumed him, he was at a loss for what to do in this situation, and he felt a little foolish. He had let go of any hope of becoming lovers with her, but now he was wondering what he should do with his life. He and his farm worker, Bissa, were just returning home from hunting by the river, a four-point buck lying in the back of the Jeep. “Sardar Ji,” Bissa said to Dilawar, “when you shot this buck, you should have also shot his mate to put her out of her misery. Listen, I can hear her crying in the forest.” “That is part of life. It may be unfair and harsh, but it’s life nonetheless,” Dilawar said as they entered the front section of his land. Above the clopping of the horse’s hooves and the metallic jingling of the brass rings on the oxen’s collars, Dilawar heard the eerie, forlorn cry of the doe missing her mate. 222

During Moheeni’s mid-September school vacation, she and Jaswant spent many hours together. Now that they had crossed the line to a committed relationship, they were willing to take any risk to be together. Moheeni knew that she needed to talk to Kishan about this before he heard the villagers’ gossip. She was prepared to accept any consequences to stay with Jaswant and knew very well it could mean her death. Her school break was nearly over. She was starting to wonder if she would see Kishan at all before she had to go back when she heard a knock on the front door. Instinctively, she knew it was her brother. As she opened the door, she saw Kishan standing on the porch smiling, his three Jeeps and seven bodyguards in the background. The bodyguards were all dressed in white, with a single red stripe on each shoulder and holsters for their pistols. Hugging her, he stroked the top of her head as a symbol of love, respect, and his devotion to protecting her. After greeting her, Kishan settled his men in the far wing of his house and went upstairs to wash up. A few minuets later, he came from his room and sat down with Moheeni in her room. Kishan was aware his sister knew a little of his business but wasn’t exactly sure what she knew. He tried to keep her in the dark as much as possible and tried to keep as much from her as possible. However, Moheeni knew far more than Kishan could have imagined, and she enjoyed torturing him by feigning innocent curiosity. “Big brother, tell me exactly what it is you do again,” she asked with feigned innocence. “Oh, it’s a large business enterprise— a bit hard to explain all the details,” he answered, hoping she wouldn’t ask anything more. “I was wondering why the men you sometimes have with you carry all those guns,” she said credulously Pacing around the room while he dried his face, he avoided her eyes and became a little nervous. “I’m responsible for a great deal of money. Those men help me watch over our interests, that’s all.” 223

“Hire me. I’m bored,” she pouted. Turning around to face her, he was surprised. “There’s no need for you to have to work as long as I’m the boss of our company. If you want money, just ask me. I’ll give you whatever you want,” he said. “Oh, I don’t think I want anything money can buy right now,” she said. Catching on to what she was saying, he told her, “Well, I’m looking for a husband for you now, but I want to make sure I’ll find one that’s worthy of you.” Sensing his good mood, she felt now was a good time to take advantage of it. “I don’t want you to go to all that trouble. Why not let me choose the one I’m to marry? If I found someone on my own, would you allow me to marry him?” she asked. “Of course, you’re my only sister. I was only trying to help. Your recommendation is first, of course,” he said emphatically. “Are you sure?” “Do you really see me as being that old-fashioned?” he asked. Moheeni seized the opportunity. “Well, in the old days, when the parents chose the mates, it was almost like breeding cattle. They were always trying to get the daughters married to a rich man. Feelings and emotions were never taken into consideration. In marriage, I don’t feel materialism is as important as the way the two people feel about each other. Before they get married, they should know if they’re compatible, if they think alike, and if they’re attracted to one another. These are the things that I feel are crucial to a successful marriage,” she said boldly. Kishan was shaking his head. “How am I going to find out all those things?” he asked. “How would I know what’s in a man’s heart for a woman? It would be nearly impossible to know those things unless a good amount of time was invested in getting to know someone.” 224

“You can tell him you changed your mind, can’t you?” she added. “Perhaps, but he’s not just any old someone. I don’t think I could find a better man. He’s a senior engineer at the electric power dam,” Kishan said like one whose gift had been rejected. “He may be a very good man, but I don’t know what he’s like or anything else about him. I don’t know if he could love me or not,” she said, trying to make him understand. Kishan grew incensed at this idea and half-shouted, “But why wouldn’t he love you? He knows what sort of power I have.” Moheeni gently laid her hand on his folded arms. “Big brother, no one can force another to love. Love cannot be demanded or bought. Which brings up another question: Did he demand a dowry?” Kishan unfolded his arms and shuffled his feet, avoiding her eyes. “No, he has no demands of a dowry. His ancestors are very wealthy. He doesn’t care about any dowry, but I was going to buy him a new car anyhow,” he said semi-sheepishly. Anger surged through Moheeni. “He demanded a car from you, didn’t he? That makes me so mad; I could strangle some men!” she shouted. Turning away from her, Kishan retreated. “Let’s just forget about him then. I’ll tell him we’re not interested. But what about this man you have chosen. Tell me about him. What kind of job does he have? What kind of degrees does he hold?” Trying to ride the advantage she created, Moheeni snapped back at her brother, “I told you, I don’t care about any of those things!” “Well, what does he do? That’s all I’m asking. It’s a fair question.” “He’s a farmer,” she replied defiantly. “What’s his name?” 225

“You know him,” she said, her defiance giving way to nervousness. Tiny beads of sweat began to form on her forehead, and her heart started to throb. She wiped them away with a corner of her chunni. “Who is it? Tell me already! Hey, what’s wrong with you? Are you okay?” he asked. Almost fainting now, Moheeni’s fear was overtaking her, and she only hoped she could spit out what she had been planning to tell him for days. “I’ll tell you, but I don’t know if you’ll be able to hear what I have to say. Put bullets in your gun, and after I tell you, empty it into my stomach, and I’ll die in your arms,” she said. Grabbing her arms and holding her firmly, almost shaking her, he s cowled in confusion and said, “What are you trying to tell me? I’d shoot myself before I’d harm you. Stop cowering and tell me who it is!” Shaking and sobbing, Moheeni moved closer to him and held his arm. “Before I tell you, promise me one thing,” she said, tears starting to well up in the corner of her eyes. “What?” he demanded. “If you don’t like what I’m going to tell you, it doesn’t matter to me, but you have to promise that you won’t kill him,” she cried. “What kind of thing is that to say? I’m not a cruel man. What do you think I am? Why would I want to kill someone you want to marry? Tell me already before I lose my patience with you,” he shouted, already having lost his patience. She lowered her eyes, and she resigned herself for the worst but tried to say it as boldly as possible. “Jaswant,” she said. “Now—take out your gun and kill me. I’m ready to die. But he is the only one I’ll ever marry. I’m not afraid to die, and I’m not afraid to marry him either.” 226

Kishan’s eyes widened. His whole body started to shake, and a thousand thoughts pulsed through his brain at once. What could he do? It was his only sister, and she was about to make a fool of him in front of his own village. She would be breaking one of the strictest taboos—marrying a man from her own village. He would be shunned. Then his thoughts turned to Jaswant. He used to consider him a friend, but no more. The words Dilawar said that day at Shamsher’s came back: Someone is robbing your house day and night from under your nose! He tried to let it go by the wayside, hoping the situation would disappear on its own, but now it was out in the open. He had to deal with it. When he could contain himself no longer, he turned back around to face her and exploded, “What will the village think when the sister of Kishan marries a neighbor? Jaswant is no friend of mine!” he screamed. Shaking with terror but at the same time ready to face him, she forced herself to overcome her fear. With a low, controlled voice and a penetrating stare, she asked, “What will you do?” Glaring at her, Kishan backed away, mindful of his promise not to harm Jaswant but still in a rage. “Girl, where are your brains? Leave me alone. We’ll talk about this tomorrow. I need time to think.” Fearful of what he might do, she ran up behind him, spun him about, pulled his gun from his shoulder holster, and held it up in her face. “Here! Shoot me! Otherwise, you won’t get your stupid respect from your precious neighbors. Love is the only thing that is of value to me—not people’s prestige and so-called ‘honor’ and the killing of innocent people,” she whispered; it was barely audible through her tears and sobbing. “What society are you referring to? American? European? There are many big differences between Western and Indian culture!” he shouted back. “Women are women. It doesn’t matter which culture they belong to,” she said, standing toe-to-toe with him. 227

“Western women are shameless. They run loose and naked and think of nothing but sex. Indian women are not like that. Our culture is centuries old. This land belongs to the Hermit and gods!” he said, half out of his mind. “Those shameless women live here as well. Here, in the West, and everywhere else! But that doesn’t mean all women are like that! You talk of them like they are unclean. Well, do you know who has made them unclean? Men! It is men who have turned them into what they are! Men are the ones to blame for the things they have to do to survive! Men with horrible antiquated thoughts and ideals who can’t and won’t accept ideas of equality! Men who would wish to suppress women—men like you!” she screamed in his face. Eyes blazing, he shouted at the top of his lungs, “Stop! No more! You live in this society under my roof, and you will follow those rules! ” “No! I will not accept those rules!” Moheeni shrieked. It was too much for Kishan, and he slapped her across the face with the palm of his hand. As she landed in a heap on the floor, her hair strewn across her face, she wept openly but was still able to fight back with her words, which were now a sobbing whisper. “Don’t think I am weak. I am not like all the other women in this stupid village. I am not scared of your slaps or your guns and violence. I am not scared of you, and there is nothing you can do to change the way I feel, even if you kill me.” All the anger left his body. Still breathing hard, he looked at his sister on the floor. She was a stranger to him. He thought he knew her, but now she was revealing a much stronger and more independent being than he ever imagined. He never knew any woman with as much strength and conviction, and suddenly, he felt great respect and awe for her. At the same time, he felt cheap for having struck her. Kneeling down beside her, he stroked her head and lifted her chin up so he could see her face. Wiping her tears away tenderly, he looked into her eyes. “Don’t cry, Moheeni. I’m sorry- I’m sorry I hit you. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I lost control of myself—please, forgive me,” he pleaded. 228

Throwing her arms over his neck, she hugged him to herself and cried. Gently rocking her in his arms, he said, “This is all very new to me. It shocked me, and I must have time to think about what you said. Remember, I am older and have lived in this village longer than you. Old habits are hard to break. Maybe in time, the village would accept you and Jaswant. At any rate, please give me time to think. I can’t make any promises, but I’ll give it serious consideration. Okay?” he asked, holding her chin up and looking into her eyes. Nodding and calming down a bit, she managed a smile for him. After being escorted in by one of Kishan’s servants, Jaswant nervously waited in the living room. Just as he was wondering why Kishan had sent for him, Kishan entered the room. “Would you like to join me for a drink?” Kishan asked. “Sure,” Jaswant agreed tentatively. “I came home last night hoping to have a little rest from business, but I find that whenever I’m home, I spend equal time concerned about Moheeni’s welfare. I’ve been hoping to find a husband for her to relieve me of some of my worries,” Kishan said as he poured drinks for them both. “She is a beautiful woman. Do you have any prospects for a husband for her?” Jaswant asked, not realizing that Moheeni was in the next room with her ear pressed against the wall, eavesdropping on their conversation. “Moheeni has expressed interest in someone she describes as an attractive landowner, but we haven’t made any final decisions,” Kishan said, downing the first drink. Trying to disguise his stunned reaction, Jaswant gulped down his glass of liquor. “If this fellow is that nice and handsome, there shouldn’t be any delay in making a decision. Have you met him yet?” he asked sadly. 229

“Yes, we’ve both met him,” Kishan replied, pouring another round. “What does Moheeni want to do?” he asked, nervously holding the second drink and ready to drain it as well. “I’m not sure she has made up her mind,” Kishan toyed with Jaswant. Quickly chugging the drink, Jaswant sputtered, “If she agrees, you shouldn’t delay it.” “That’s what I’m thinking too—but I’m working on how to settle it,” Kishan said, holding his glass to the light and looking through it. Jaswant helped himself to another while Kishan continued to study his drink. “Those are minor details. If she has made a decision, then everything should fall in place easily. Tell me more about this man.” “Well, I know he’s a farmer. I don’t know how long Moheeni has been wanting to marry him, so I have to trust her judgment for the most part,” Kishan said. “That’s great,” Jaswant said sarcastically as he polished off his fifth drink. “I don’t recall ever seeing you drink so much—and in the middle of the day!” Kishan said, still nursing his second drink. “Well, it’s a special occasion! It’s not often one’s sister gets married.” In the other room, Moheeni was snickering at the way her brother was toying with Jaswant, but at the same time, she picked up on the slur in Jaswant’s voice and knew that if he poured himself another drink, she would be forced to go in and grab it from him. “He must be someone really special for Moheeni to have chosen him,” Jaswant slurred, leaning on the table in an effort to keep from tipping over. “Yes, would you like to know his name?” Kishan asked, grinning. 230

By now, Jaswant couldn’t bear to hear anymore. “No, I’ll meet him soon enough. Let me be surprised. I must get back to my fields. Thank you for inviting me over and sharing the good news, Kishan,” he said as he stumbled out of the house. As he stomped down the road, kicking up a wake of dust behind him, Kishan and Moheeni stood in the doorway laughing and holding their sides at the sight. The next morning Moheeni found a note from Kishan. It read: My Dear Sister, I have considered carefully all the things we have discussed, and though it is hard for me to accept these new ideas, I realize that as your brother, I am bound to give you all the support I am able, regardless of what others in the village or the outside world may say. My life may be difficult, but if Jaswant loves you as much as you love him, then I wholeheartedly give you my blessing to marry him. Your brother, Kishan Later that day, as the sun was setting, Moheeni decided to ride to Jaswant’s farm. As she was riding on the dirt road that connected their farms, she saw him coming toward her on a tractor. She pulled the reins, stopping to hail him, but he drove past her without even looking at her. One look at his face told her he was in bad shape. After roaming around a little while, she continued on to his house. She got off her horse, tied it up in the barn, and entered the house. She found his mother in one of the rooms on the first floor, spinning some cotton on a wheel. 231

“Good evening, mother. May I talk with you for a moment?” “Moheeni, of course. Come in, dear,” she said, happy to see her. “I’ve always felt it to be good luck when you come to our home. I get lonely here. I’ve been anxiously awaiting the day I have a daughter-in-law.” “Maybe it’s time Jaswant got married,” Moheeni suggested. “That would be wonderful, but as far as I know, there’s no one who interests him,” Sham Kaur said, taking the cotton off the wheel. “Whenever I ask him what kind of woman he’s looking for, he always says, ‘Someone tall, beautiful and bold—like Moheeni.’ That is not an easy task, finding someone like you. If you were from another village, I would get him to marry you in a moment.” Sitting closer to her, Moheeni asked, “Mother, if it were not for society, would you have me in your home with Jaswant?” Looking hard at her, Sham Kaur measured her words carefully, “It is not only my decision—it is also in Kishan’s hands.” “What if Kishan agrees?” Moheeni asked. “Then I would also agree.” Moheeni hugged her tightly and laughed with delight, “Kishan agrees too.” Dumbfounded, Sham Kaur said, “It’s hard to believe Kishan would agree—this has never happened before in our village. But I pray to God for your happiness.” Laughing, with tears of joy streaming down her face, Moheeni asked where Jaswant was so that she might tell him of the wonderful news. “He is in the field by the irrigation pump. He was going to spray the mango trees,” Sham Kaur said, and in a flash, Moheeni was going back out the door to the fields. Trying to conceal her excitement, Moheeni approached Jaswant casually and pulled the reins up. Ammlee was mixing some of the spray solutions for the mango trees while Jaswant finished hooking up the spray rigging. 232

Without looking up at her, he said gruffly, “Have you thought of more ways to hurt me? Is that why you are here? Why not just end it all quickly and step on my heart once and for all?” Smiling, she played along with him. “End what? My life hasn’t even started yet, and you’re talking of endings,” she said innocently. Slamming a piece of the rigging on the ground, Jaswant spat, “Kishan was telling me that you had found a husband and that you were happy.” Then turning to Ammlee, he barked orders for him to get started with the spraying and to get Jakhar to help him. As Ammlee shuffled off with the equipment, Jaswant turned to face Moheeni for the first time. Waiting for Ammlee to move out of hearing distance, Moheeni looked lovingly at the glaring Jaswant, standing with his hands on his hips. “Well, my tall, handsome one, you should have known no one could take your place. Maybe you will remember that in the Golden Temple in Amritsar, I prayed to God for you to be my husband,” she said. Confused, Jaswant cocked his head and asked, “Then who was Kishan talking about yesterday?” Laughing, Moheeni said, “You, silly. Don’t you understand? He was making a joke on you, and you didn’t even get it. I was in the next room listening and laughing. When I came out, I was going to tell you it was all in fun, but you had left in a stupor. Kishan has given us his blessings. I have just come from talking with your mother, and she has given us hers as well.” Kishan stuttered, “I can’t believe it! For so long, I have made all these plans so we could be together, but nothing ever worked, and now - now you have solved all my problems.” Taking each other in their arms, they gazed silently into each other’s eyes, while behind them in the forest, the river flowed between the tall, graceful cranes fishing in the golden, glistening waters. 233

CHAPTER 18 E veryone in Bhatian was talking about it. Some thought it was the worst thing in the world, some secretly cheered for them, but no one was indifferent. Jaswant and Moheeni’s wedding date was fixed, and they would set a precedent as the first neighbors to marry within the village. Dilawar was devastated. Since hearing of Moheeni’s upcoming marriage, he had quit fighting with his friends, stopped chasing women, cut down on his drinking, and whenever he went out in public he rode his black mare. One day, when he was out riding, he spotted Moheeni ahead of him on the farm with her mare. He trotted up behind her and pulled his mare to a stop next to hers. “Dilawar, I haven’t seen you in a while,” Moheeni exclaimed cheerfully. Now that the wedding date was set, she was no longer afraid of him. Both horses walked side by side. Maheeni’s long hair was swinging in the air. “I am glad for you Moheeni. I wish you happiness; my life was empty and meaningless; the pain of your love gave me a lot of strength, purpose of life, and wisdom. People like me think they can get whatever they want, but that is not true, and due to your love, you will always be with me in my heart.” Both horses stopped on the semi-hill. The sun was setting and a cool breeze was blowing. 234

“Dilawar, I am very happy to see this change in you; it is hard to believe, but someday you will meet the woman of your choice.” For a moment, they looked each other deeply in the eyes. “Would you mind if I gave you something?” He was pulling something from his pocket. “What it is that?” She was hesitant but couldn’t refuse. He handed her a handkerchief. She slowly opened the delicate cloth, her fingers trembling slightly and dreading what she would find. Inside were two payals—fine gold chains with tiny golden bells strung around them. Too shocked to say or do anything, all she could do was stare at the gift resting in her hands. “From now on, whenever I hear bells, I will hear your footsteps,” he said. Then he took her face in his hands, kissed her forehead, mounted his horse, and galloped back to his land. She stared after him, watching the wind ruffle his shirt and his horse fly wildly in front of her. A bittersweet smile spread across his face. He knew that he would never see her again, and she carried this part of his life away from him. The earth was still wet from the previous night’s rain, leaving a damp, mossy smell on the farm. Moheeni looked at the payals, letting the little bells dangle and sing as she held them up to the wind. Tears welled up in her eyes as she watched him ride off. When she could no longer see him, she rode back to her home. Her somber mood was quickly dispelled by the sight of a huge semi- tractor-trailer truck standing obtrusively in front of the house. When she got closer to the doorway, she saw Kishan poking his head out with an impish grin on his face. “What in the world is all this?” she asked. “Come take a look at part of your wedding gifts,” he said. 235

Moving to the open end of the truck, she saw the trailer loaded with a new car, huge boxes with new furniture, stereos, every possible kind of household appliance, and hundreds of other things, and her jaw dropped. “Oh, Kishan! This is too much! If Jaswant sees this, he’s going to be angry. He doesn’t need all these things; he’s like me—neither of us needs things to be happy,” she scolded but hugged him at the same time. “I wanted to give you something,” he explained with a grin. “But, Kishan, you have money—how will the farmers who come to the wedding feel? They cannot match these gifts when they marry their sisters and daughters off; you are setting a new tradition in this small village. They can’t possibly match anything like you have bought,” she said, still amazed at the huge amount of stuff in the truck. “Well, allow me to indulge myself on my only sister. This is not a gift, but my responsibility as your elder brother in the absence of our late parents. You are only going to get married once in your lifetime. Besides, I’m celebrating too— I’m getting married as well.” Ragni had been confined behind the walls of her school for five months now, and still, she had heard no word from Kanwar. She asked herself thousands of times what could have happened that would make him hide from her. She had written several times, with no reply from him. She sent three letters by registered mail, only to get them back with a note on them that he was no longer at that address. Finally, she wrote to the superintendent of the hostel where he was staying, but she received no word as to his whereabouts. Facing the fact that he was no longer living at the hostel or attending school, she grew desperate to find him, but she knew it wouldn’t be an easy task for her to get out of the school. She began to hate the school and wondered why she had ever chosen it. She grew bitter toward her parents, blaming them for making her come here. 236

“I will find him,” she said to herself with a grim determination. “I will get out of here somehow and go to Bhatian—his brother or mother will know where he is. And once I find him, he better have a good reason for disappearing from my life.” That afternoon, Ragni and Anita played tennis and watched TV before heading to their room around eight o’clock. Anita picked up a book to study, and Ragni aimlessly paced the floor until she finally picked up one of her textbooks and started to read it. “Since when did you start studying?” Anita asked sarcastically, watching Ragni bury her face in the book. Over the months, Anita had learned that Ragni was one of those gifted people who never needed to put forth an effort to get perfect grades. It was rare to see Ragni with a textbook. “What’s the big deal?” Ragni snapped. This caught Anita by surprise. Hearing Ragni snap at anyone like that was even rarer than seeing her study. “Gosh, I didn’t mean anything by it,” Anita said defensively and went back to her book. Shaking her head as if trying to shake off her moodiness, Ragni apologized. “I’m sorry, Anita. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I guess I was a little on edge. Will you forgive me?” Smiling and relieved, Anita said, “Sure, that’s okay, I understand,” even though she really didn’t understand why Ragni was always so moody. Though the book was held to her face, Ragni wasn’t reading—she was plotting and thinking of how to get to Kanwar. At eleven o’clock, Anita turned off her light and went to get ready for bed. “Guess I’ll turn in,” Anita said, setting her alarm clock. “How about you?” “I’ve got a little more to do,” Ragni replied, still in her chair with the book. 237

By about twelve-thirty, Anita’s steady, heavy breathing told Ragni that she was in a deep sleep. Satisfied that Anita was totally asleep, Ragni quietly started tossing some clothes into a light bag. Slipping into her winter coat, she turned off the light and crept out of the room and down the hall. All was quiet, and she made it to the inner main gate without running across anyone. She began to scale the twelve-foot front gate. At the top, she accidentally grabbed onto the sharp spikes that she didn’t realize were there to prevent anyone from climbing over the gate. Stifling her screams as the filed metal cut into her hands, she realized she wasn’t going to make it over the top. She let herself back down to the ground and gingerly pulled off her gloves to see blood oozing out of the cuts on her palms. Looking out to the other side with frustration, she remembered that the school theater had an exit that led to the outside of the compound. When she reached the theater building, she miraculously found it open. She fumbled for a light switch before deciding it was probably best not to turn it on anyhow, just in case someone saw it and decided to investigate. Stumbling against the chairs in the theater, she finally reached the other end of the large hall. She opened the door a crack and peered at the outer gate—the final obstacle before freedom. Slinking out of the theater, she moved in the bushes to the gate before catching her breath in surprise. At the outer gate, she saw the guardhouse. She had forgotten about it. Peeking over the top of the bushes, she caught a glimpse of the dozing guard. She knew that the wall circled the entire compound. It was topped with shards of broken glass and a deep moat on the other side. She knew there was no way she could climb the wall and get out. Her only means of escape was the main gate. From her vantage point, she could see a large lock on the outer gate that only the security guard had the key to. She would have to go back and think of another plan. As she started to go back to the theater, her coat rustled a branch in the bushes. The security guard almost fell off his chair and stumbled out with a start. He circled his flashlight in the darkness and shouted, “Who’s out there?” 238

Ragni dropped to the ground, lying flat and holding her breath, praying he wouldn’t come any closer. The guard took two or three steps toward her and waved his light in and out of the bushes. He had only one eye, and, unable to see too clearly, he relaxed a bit and went back into his little guardhouse, keeping a suspicious look in Ragni’s direction. Hugging the ground, Ragni stayed frozen in one position until the guard sat back in his chair and started dozing off again. After a half-hour, she slowly got up and returned to the theater, careful not to rustle the bushes anymore. After knocking her shins and knees against more chairs in the darkness, she hobbled out of the theater and finally back to her room. She was dirty and had bleeding hands and bruised legs. Washing her cuts and bruises, she flopped on her bed, more determined than ever to figure a way out of the compound. The next day, Ragni saw Ram Prakash, one of the security guards, in the hall on his way to the hostel warden’s office. She had always liked him, and just as he was about to open the office door, a plan popped into her mind. “Hello, Ram Prakash. Are you on outer gate duty tonight?” she asked. “Yes, Ragni. I am going to be filling in for the present guard for three weeks,” he answered with a smile. “Why are you here in the middle of the day?” she asked, trying not to sound nosey. “It’s payday,” he said with a hearty grin. “I was wondering if you could do a favor for me,” she asked demurely. “Sure.” “I have a few school supplies I need outside the compound, and I was wondering if you could get them for me,” she said, taking out a blank piece of paper and jotting a few items down. “No problem. I’ll bring them back in a little while. I have to go out anyhow,” he said. 239

An hour later, Ragni was called to the inspection room. “Oh, thank you,” she said, looking at the receipt. Taking out her purse, she handed him eighty rupees. “Oh, this is too much—the supplies only came to forty rupees,” he said, pushing the money back in her hands. “No, it’s not. Please, take it. My father gives me a generous allowance every month, and I can’t ever spend it. It’s not much to me—it would make me happy if you were to take it,” she said convincingly. “Well, if you insist. Thank you very much,” he said, looking about to make sure no one was watching. “What time do you go on duty?” Ragni asked, pretending to make conversation. “I start at ten. But I’m usually in the canteen at nine-thirty for tea. Why? ” He asked. “Oh, just wondering. Thank you again for getting my supplies,” Ragni said as she left. The next day in class, Ragni was sitting with Anita and Sushma, one of Anita’s best friends. Ragni had met Sushma through Anita, and they had become friends as well. Sushma was a day student who went home every evening, and her father was a well-known physician in Jullundur. “Sushma, do you remember when you were telling me about how your dad gave some pills to his patients who couldn’t sleep?” Ragni asked, as she sat in the classroom waiting for the instructor to come in. “Oh, yes—Mandrix. Those things are really potent. They make you dopey first, and then knock you out cold,” she said. 240

“I’ve been having a hard time getting to sleep lately and was wondering if you could get a few for me?” Ragni asked. “Yeah, she’s been tossing and turning, missing her boyfriend,” Anita teased. “But seriously, I’m really having a hard time sleeping. Do you think you could sneak a few for me? If I made a doctor’s appointment my dad would find out and ask me lots of questions. Do you think you could just sneak a few from your dad? ” Ragni asked. “Those things can be dangerous— just half of one would knock you senseless.” But seeing that Ragni wasn’t going to stop pestering her until she gave in, she finally agreed. “Well, okay. I’ll bring you some, but if anyone ever finds out about this, I’ll get suspended—not to mention what my dad will do to me,” Sushma said, looking at Ragni and Anita with warning glances. Just then the instructor walked in to start class. Later that evening both Ragni and Anita went to the canteen shortly before nine-thirty. Taking a table near the doorway, Ragni stopped Ram Prakash as he entered. “Come sit with us,” she said. “I was just about to get some tea—may I get you a cup?” “Not with your money,” he said half-laughing. “Here, let me get it this time,” Ragni said, already walking to the counter. Ram Prakash took a seat at the table and began talking with Anita. Ragni looked around to make sure he wasn’t watching her. There was a lot of noise in the canteen from all the other girls talking and eating snacks. As she poured the steaming tea into three cups, she pulled out an envelope with two of the sleeping pills Sushma gave her. She had ground them into a powder so they would dissolve faster, and she poured it into Ram Prakash’s cup. 241

When Ram Prakash downed the last of his tea, Ragni suddenly became anxious to get back to her room to study. “It’s time for me to get to work anyhow,” Ram Prakash said, bidding them goodnight and thanking Ragni for the tea. Half an hour later, Ram Prakash was out cold. Back in her dorm room, Ragni began to worry that maybe she had given him too much powder. She paced the room, looking at the clock and wringing her hands. “Anita, when were you planning to go to sleep tonight?” she asked nervously. “I’m not sure. It’ll probably take me until midnight to finish all of this homework. Why?” Anita replied, noticing Ragni’s agitated state. “Last night, you were finished by eleven. What’s taking so long tonight?” Ragni asked, slightly irritated. “Say, what’s wrong with you? What difference does it make what time I go to bed? And why were you in such a rush to get out of the canteen when you practically dragged me there in the first place? ” Anita said, fed up with her strange mood. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so edgy. I think I’m just missing Kanwar. Maybe I need a cup of tea to calm me down. Would you like one too? ” Ragni asked. “Sure, if you’re going to make one anyhow,” Anita said, calming down. Pulling down the electric teakettle from the top shelf of the closet, she went to the sink to fill it up. Then, making sure Anita wasn’t watching, she pulled out the last of the sleeping pills Sushma gave her, quickly ground it up with the bottom of the teacup, and scraped the powder into Anita’s cup. Once the steaming water dissolved the last of the powder, she put the teabag in, let it steep, and brought it out to Anita. 242

Not long after, Anita fell into bed and was out like a light. Ragni covered her up, donned her warm coat and gloves, and snuck out of the building with the same bag she had packed the other night. When she neared the guard- house, she got a clear view of Ram Prakash passed out on his chair. Stepping cautiously closer, she whispered his name a few times. Satisfied that he was unconscious, she looked in the house for the keys that would let her out, but she couldn’t see them anywhere. Taking a deep breath and shaking terribly, she started going through his jacket pockets until she produced a large ring of about twenty keys. Terrified that he would wake up at any moment, she fumbled with the keys and the gate lock---trying one key after the other. She was in such a panic that when she finally found the key that opened the lock, she ran through the gate without bothering to close it. Panting hard and on the brink of hysteria, she ran into town, not calming down until she reached one of the hotels where she booked a room for the night. Safe for now, she lay on the bed and tried to get a grip of herself. She had drugged her roommate and a guard. What if someone came through the gates that night? Ram Prakash might lose his job. What had she done? She had no reasonable excuses for what she had done. She was simply desperate to see Kanwar, and nothing was going to stop her. She let herself fall into an exhausted sleep. “Hello, Auntie,” Ragni said, standing at the door of her Aunt Rajinder’s. “Ragni! What are you doing here? There’s no school break. How did you get here? ” she asked in surprise. “I took a bus here—there’s a teacher’s strike at school, so I thought I’d take the time to come visit,” she said. She didn’t know what to say, so she lied. The pain these lies caused her made her tear up, and she had to hide it from her aunt. 243

“Oh. Well, did you hear the good news? ” Rajinder said, changing the subject. “Jaswant and Moheeni are getting married. ” “You’re kidding! I’m so happy for them both!” Ragni said. Then thinking for a moment, she said, “That would mean Kanwar will be coming to the wedding, right?” “I would think so. Moheeni came home from college last night,” her aunt said. “Is Moheeni home now?” “Yes. You should go over there to wish her well.” A few minutes later, Ragni was knocking on Moheeni’s door. “Ragni! Come in! Come in!” Moheeni said, hugging her. “Congratulations! I heard from Aunt Rajinder about you and Jaswant getting married! I’m so happy for you both!” Ragni said. “Thank you. But what are you doing here? You couldn’t have come all this way just to congratulate me!?” Moheeni said as they went into the house. “No, I came looking for Kanwar. I haven’t heard from him for almost four months,” Ragni said sadly. “That’s strange. Jaswant just received a telegram from him. He sent his love and congratulations but said he wouldn’t be able to make it home because of his training,” Moheeni explained. “Training?” Ragni asked. “Yes—air force pilot training,” Moheeni said. Hearing these words, Ragni’s face became pale, and she started wavering as if she were going to faint. Grabbing hold of her so she wouldn’t fall, Moheeni called out to her maid to bring some water while she led Ragni to a couch. 244

“What’s wrong?” she asked. Putting her hand up to her head, Ragni said, “It’s- it’s just a headache. I’ll be okay in a minute.” Moheeni was wondering at Ragni’s reaction when she suddenly remembered Kanwar asking her not to tell Ragni he had joined the air force. Her guilt over telling Ragni was soon replaced with anger at Kanwar. How long had he planned to keep this secret from Ragni? “Can you give me Kanwar’s address?” Ragni said in a small voice, tears falling on the couch in big droplets. “Of course. But Ragni, why are you crying? Being a pilot in the air force is a very good job. Everyone respects pilots. You don’t have anything to worry about,” Moheeni said in an effort to console the distraught Ragni. “I don’t know why; I’m just afraid for his safety. If anything happened to him, I don’t think I could live without him.” Then her tone of voice changed to bitterness. “I don’t know why he did this—he knew it would make me upset.” Turning her eyes to Moheeni and wiping away the tears, she said, “I have to go back to school. I lied to Auntie—I told her there was a strike, but I really snuck out. I hate lying to her—see what he’s doing to me? ” After Moheeni got her Kanwar’s address, she prepared to leave. “I’m sorry to be so upset. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. I hope you have a long and happy marriage—give my blessings to Jaswant,” she said, hugging Moheeni once again. “I will feel happy when you catch Kanwar as I have caught his brother,” Moheeni said. Ragni made her way back to Rajinder’s house, sad but also relieved now that she knew what had happened to Kanwar. “Auntie, I have to return to school,” she said. 245

“What about the strike?” Rajinder asked with surprise. “I lied. I came here to see if I could find Kanwar. I haven’t heard from him in almost four months. I just had to find out what happened to him,” she said, ashamed that she lied to her aunt. “Oh, Ragni, you’ve made a terrible mistake,” her aunt said, hurt more for Ragni than for herself. “I know, Auntie. I’m sorry—please forgive me, but when it comes to Kanwar, I lose my head,” she said, looking at the ground. “Well, it’s happened. Now all you can do is go back. Perhaps if you get into the day scholar’s program, you could get out more without having to risk sneaking out of the dorm. In the meantime, I’ll have your uncle talk to Kanwar’s mother and your father about arranging a marriage between you and Kanwar. That shouldn’t be any problem. That way, when you are engaged, all will be better,” Rajinder said. Her eyes widened at this news, and Ragni hugged Rajinder tight. Hugging her niece, Rajinder said, “Now, please relax and have something to eat. Tomorrow I’ll drive you to the bus that returns to Jullundur.” 246

CHAPTER 19 S he arrived back in Jullundur at eight o’clock in the morning. She took a rickshaw, which was not that from her college. She arrived just as the day scholars were entering the gate, so she slipped into line with the other girls. Sushma was there, and Ragni tapped her on the shoulder. “What are you doing here?” she asked Ragni with a shocked look on her face. “Why, what’s wrong?” Ragni replied. “I guess you haven’t heard yet—Anita told me yesterday that two nights ago, the principal caught the guard sleeping at the gate. And she found the gate open with the keys left in it. She had all the girls counted to make sure no one was missing, and then she woke up the guard and had him relieved.” “What happened to the guard?” Ragni asked. “I don’t know yet, but I’m sure he’s going to get fired. Anyway, when they did the room check, they figured out that you were missing. They’re still looking for you,” Sushma told her. They were nearing the front of the line, where they would have to present identification to the guard. “What should I do?” Ragni asked Sushma. 247

“I don’t know what you can do—as soon as you set foot in the compound, they’re going to grab you. But please don’t tell them where you got those pills, or I’ll get suspended too. You’re already caught—please don’t drag me into this mess too,” Sushma said just as the guard was about to check her student ID. “Where’s your card?” the guard asked Ragni. “I don’t have one,” she answered. “What’s your name?” he asked. “Ragni Kaur,” she replied. The guard’s eyes widened in recognition. “You’re the girl that’s been missing! Come over here and wait in the guardhouse until I get these other girls checked in,” he directed her into the little guard box. After all the girls from the bus were checked in, he locked the gate and called one of the other guards to watch his post while he escorted her to the principal’s office. The principal, a middle-aged gray- haired woman, replied to the knock on her door. “Yes! Come in.” She looked at Ragni and pointed to a chair in - - front of the table. The principal put a pair of glasses on the desk, so she could have eye contact with Ragni. “She was trying to get in through the main gate with the rest of the day scholars,” the guard explained. “Thank you; you may close the door behind you,” she directed the guard. He was still standing there. “Ragni, where were you the last two days?” she asked sternly. “I went Bhatian to visit my aunt,” she said meekly. “Did you get permission from the boarding in charge? Who is this aunt?” the principal fired at her. “No, Ma’am, I didn’t have permission. My Aunt Rajinder is on the meeting list,” Ragni said, trying to maintain her composure. The principal sent for Ram Prakash on her intercom while she continued to glare at Ragni. In a few minutes, the guard showed up, a sorry and scared look on his face. 250

“Do you know her?” the principal demanded of the cowering guard. “Yes. Her name is Ragni, first-year student, room thirty-six,” the guard said. “How do you know her room?” “I had done some shopping for her once,” he said, growing more frightened with each question. “Did you open the lock for her?” she half yelled. “No, Ma’am,” he said. “Ma’am, I opened the gate,” Ragni said, unable to see the poor guard getting grilled. The principal put her glasses on again and stared hard at Ragni. “He was sleeping. I took the key from his pocket and opened the gate,” she continued. “You what?!” the principal said, her mouth open wide in shock. “You took the keys from his pocket? What kind of nerve do you have? I cannot believe what you are telling me!” she shouted at her. Then turning on the guard, she screamed, “And you! She took the keys right out of your pocket! What were you doing? I don’t need any guards like you here! Consider yourself dismissed!” Ragni couldn’t stand it and knew that in order to save the guard’s job she would have to confess. “Ma’am, it’s not his fault. He wasn’t sleeping; I’m responsible for that. It was all part of my plan to sneak out. He went to the canteen to drink some tea. I was waiting for him and offered him a cup, but I had put two sleeping pills in it.” By now, the principal was so angry and shocked her voice became low and trembling. 251

“Where did you get those pills? Tell me!” she said, barely controlling her anger. “I took them from my family nurse,” Ragni lied to protect Sushma. Then turning to Ram Prakash, she said, “You’re free to go. Report to your post as usual.” Ram Prakash thanked them both profusely as he backed out of the office, sweat soaking the back of his shirt and dripping off his forehead. After he left, the principal turned to Ragni. “You are the daughter of a high-ranking police officer. I can’t believe you could do such things! I don’t know what could have possessed you to even think of these devious acts, but I can assure you that I cannot let these actions go unpunished. The reputa- tion of this school is at stake.” Then, calling to her assistant, she barked, “Bring a letter!” One of the assistants came scuttling in with a pad and paper to take dictation while the principal shuffled through Ragni’s files. Ragni listened as the principal dictated a letter to Ragni’s parents telling them that their daughter was suspended indefinitely, effective immediately, and would be held in the school hostel until they could come and a final decision could be made. As Ragni listened, her panic grew. “Ma’am, please don’t tell my father. He loves me so much, and I don’t want to disappoint him. I’m so sorry,” she pleaded. “No, I have no choice. There is no way I can hide or gloss over what you have done. It affects the other thousand girls in the boarding house. You are confined to your room and the dining area only—no classes or recreation. Now go to your room until your parents come for you,” she said severely. When Anita returned to their room after her classes, she noticed immediately that Ragni was terribly upset. 252

“Come on, Ragni. Let’s go get some dinner—it’ll cheer you up.” “Anita, do you remember how you fell asleep so hard the night I left?” Ragni asked. “Come to think of it, yes, I was suddenly really tired that night,” Anita said, trying to remember what happened that night. “I slipped you one of Sushma’s sleeping pills. Would you forgive me?” Ragni said, looking at the floor. Shaking her head in disbelief, Anita said, “Am I ever going to be able to trust you again?” Ragni pleaded, “Please, Anita. I swear I’ll never do anything like that to you again. I can hardly believe I did it myself! Please, forgive me.” “Well, come on—let’s get some dinner,” Anita said disgruntled, but willing to forgive her. By the time they reached the dining area, a notice was already on the general bulletin board announcing Ragni’s suspension. As they brought their food to a table, they could hear the other girls laughing and talking about her. As they ate, Ragni commented, “This isn’t even the worst of the punishment—the worst part isn’t anything that the school or the students can do to me, it’s not being able to see Kanwar. I found out both he and Hermanjit joined the Air Force Pilot Training Academy in Banglore. I don’t know how, but I have to see him.” “When you see Hermanjit, give him a salute for me,” Anita said, happy that he was going to be a pilot as well. “Anita,” Ragni said, not even hearing her last comment, “will you have Sushma come to my room tomorrow after class? I can’t leave my room.” “Sure. What do you want me to tell her? That you want more pills?” Anita snickered. 253

Her head was spinning as she lay in her bed in the dark that night. She figured her mother would get the letter first and wouldn’t show it to her father but would come to school alone. She wondered what her punishment would be—probably a good scolding. After that, it would be nearly impossible to get out of this place. She was sure the guards would watch her like a hawk every time she stepped near the gate. Kanwar grew further and further away by the second, and her mood sank deeper. She wondered if she’d ever be able to go to Bhatian anymore. Things looked bleak. As these thoughts battered her to sleep, she pleaded to God—to anyone—for help. The next day, Sushma showed up at Ragni’s door. “What’s up?” she asked. “Oh, Sushma, thanks for coming by. I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me anymore,” Ragni said, letting her in. “Why wouldn’t I come? Anita told me you didn’t rat me out to the principal. I still trust you.” “Sushma, I have another favor to ask of you,” Ragni said. “Uh oh. What do you want me to steal for you this time?” she asked warily. “No, no, nothing like that. I was wondering if I could borrow one of your mother’s saris,” she asked. Thinking about it for a moment, she agreed. “Okay, but do me a favor. Don’t tell me what you want it for,” Sushma said. Just then, someone else knocked at Ragni’s door. “Ragni? Your mother is waiting in the principal’s office,” a messenger called through the door. “I guess it’s time for me to go. I’ll bring you that sari tomorrow morning. Good luck with your mother,” Sushma called out as she left the room. 254

Ragni walked slowly to the principal’s office, dreading what was going to follow. As she entered the office, she saw her mother sitting in one of the chairs in front of the principal. Both were wearing very serious, displeased faces, and she knew the principal had already told her what had happened. Like a sacrificial lamb, she sat in one of the chairs, ready for the slaughter. Her mother started right in on her. “Ragni, you know how much I love you, and what I’m going to tell you is so you’ll never make this kind of terrible mistake again. It’s for your own sake.” Taking a deep breath, she glanced at the stern face of the principal and continued, “You knew the rules of the school, yet you deliberately broke them. This is the worst thing you’ve ever done, and needless to say, I’m shocked and disappointed in you. You’re not a little girl in Sanawar School anymore, you’re in college, and you’re expected to act like a grown lady. Now, I haven’t told your father about this, but if anything like this ever happens again, I’m going to let him to handle the matter, and he won’t be as lenient as I am. Do you understand?” Ragni was listening to her mother, but at the same time, pictures from her past were flashing through her mind, happier times when she was winning prizes at Sanawar School and her parents were so proud of her. Everyone in the school administration respected her too, but now... Her mother had just about finished her lecture, and the combination of that and her happier memories brought tears to her eyes. “Please, excuse me,” she said, sniffling. “This isn’t our house, Ragni. Don’t excuse yourself from me; you owe your principal an apology,” her mother said. “I am very sorry to have caused you any inconvenience, ma’am.” She wept softly while a satisfied look crossed the principal’s face. “In the future, if you want to see Aunt Rajinder, she’s going to have to come here to visit you. You are not allowed to go to Bhatian anymore. Is that 255

understood?” her mother said, laying out the final terms of her punishment. This elicited an even stronger barrage of tears from Ragni, and her mother figured it was time to stop. “That is all. You’re excused, but in the future, please take care of your actions,” the principal said. “Thank you, ma’am,” she sobbed as she left the office and went back to her room. Once Ragni was gone, the principal tried smoothing things over a bit. “Well, Ragni made a mistake, but other than that, I’m very proud of her. She’s very talented in music and drama. I think it hurt me almost as much as it hurt you to hear of this unfortunate incident.” Her mother added, “Yes, she’s always been a little emotional. When those moods overcome her, I’m afraid she doesn’t think straight—but in her heart, she’s really sweet and good. Nevertheless, she has to learn that she must obey the rules.” “Yes, I can tell by her face that she is a fine person; it’s just that my job demands that I be the strict disciplinarian that I am. You are a graduate of the school and can understand and remember the standards and the traditions that must be carried out. Sometimes tradition calls for stringent rules, but that’s how the high standards are maintained,” the principal said. “I understand and agree totally,” her mother replied. Half an hour later, a messenger came to Ragni’s door. “Your mother left two hundred rupees for you before she left. She said she was in a hurry to go back home and couldn’t see you after leaving the principal’s office.” Thanking the messenger, she took the rupees and fell on her bed crying. So her mother was too mad and ashamed to see her before she went home— 256

she wasn’t able to go to Bhatian anymore, and Kanwar seemed lost to her forever. She wanted to die. Over the next week, Anita and Sushma were the only ones who would talk to her. Gradually, the gossiping stopped, and things returned to normal. Ragni was attending classes again, and though she was sad, she was trying to make the best of things. One night at about two in the morning, the silence in Ragni’s room was broken as she screamed out in her sleep for Kanwar. “What’s wrong? Ragni! Wake up! You’re having a nightmare!” Anita said as she shook Ragni in bed. Ragni blinked her eyes wildly and held her right arm, wincing in pain. “I had a bad dream,” she said. “Well, it’s just a dream; it’s not real. Are you going to be okay?” Anita said, concerned for her roommate. “No, it’s not okay—you don’t understand. My dreams are always true. I dreamed I saw Kanwar. He was in training camp, running on some kind of obstacle course. He was climbing a tall wooden fence that he had to jump over once he reached the top; only when he was going over the top, his boots caught the top rail, and he fell on his arm, fracturing it. I know it happened—I can feel the pain he suffered in my arm,” she said, still cradling her right arm. Kanwar’s eye popped open with a shock. He was confused, and it took him a second to remember where he was. He looked at the large clock on the wall—two o’clock in the morning. 257

The next day, Hermanjit came by for a visit. “Hi, Clumsy. How’s the arm doing?” he asked cheerfully. “Oh, hi, Hermanjit. It’s okay. The doctor said I could leave after two days. It was just a hairline fracture. Apparently, I was lucky that it wasn’t worse, judging from the height that I fell,” Kanwar glanced down the plaster cast and sling on his right arm. Then pensively, he said, “Last night, I had a dream that Ragni screamed really loud in bed and was holding her right arm. I know it was just a dream, but it was so real. I’ve been thinking about her lately. I know she’s having a hard time not hearing from me. I’m afraid she may go mad, but what can I do? I tried getting some leave, but the sergeant wouldn’t let me out. If I wrote her, she’d know I was in training camp, and she’d flip out. I’ll bet she went to Bhatian to find out where I am, but that still doesn’t do me any good. I can’t get out of here. All I can do is wait until training is over. Then maybe I can get some leave to visit her.” The next day in class, Ragni could barely stay focused on her studies. The Punjab Youth Festival in Chandigarh was in just four days, and she was playing the lead role in the play she wrote for it. Her drama instructor had high hopes for her play to win first place as the school’s performance had done last year. As Ragni watched the rehearsals for the rest of the program, her mind wandered, trying to figure out a way she could go to Kanwar. This wasn’t going to be an easy task since he was twelve hundred miles away in the south of India. Airfare would be five hundred rupees, which she had now, but she had no money for cabs, lodging, or food. On stage, the students were walking through music, songs competitions, folk dances, and mono acting—where one actor portrays several different parts on stage at the same time. After rehearsal was over, she went back to her room to carry out her escape plan. She put on Sushma’s sari and placed a bindi mark on her forehead. In the school, the majority of the instructors wore saris—the traditional dress 258