WNNWA | Autumn 2012

Autumn 2012 u My Journey with Complicated Grief u The Cruel Trick of Grief u Brianna’s Blankets u Understanding and Respecting u Moving On? Cultural Differences u Ponderings u Book Review u TCF 35th National Conference/ 5th International Gathering Healing a Parent’s Grieving Heart u TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting® u From My Heart to Yours u She Is Near u The Francis Slow-Cooker u First-Time Conference Reflections u With Love, from Heaven u Reminders of a Brother Who Rarely Saw the Sky u One Life, Two Deaths WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 1

FROM THE EXEC’S DESK How Your Child Lived DDo you remember that first day that truly changed your life? my thoughts—I thought about what I needed to do for her now, tonight, next I remember it vividly. It was January 21, 1983. Truth be told, the week, next month. Plans for her were By Pat Loder change that came over me was at first startling and immediate, always a part of my thought process. but it also was a process that evolved through the days and weeks that followed. I learned that as I was sharing a new, special love with my child, I was also learning how to love all the people in my life The moment happened when a 7 pound 6 ounce baby girl was more deeply. placed in my arms. She was my daughter, and a feeling washed over me like none I had ever felt before. The feeling of absolute, When Stephanie’s little brother Stephen was born, that love unconditional love and fierce protectiveness. intensified, as did the fierce protectiveness. There was a happiness level deep in my being that was like none I had ever experienced. She was in the nursery as the pediatrician checked her over, and I remember thinking Wow! I always knew I deeply loved my And then one spring day, the three of us were in an auto mom, my dad, my brothers, my husband. But this was new and accident and both Stephanie and Stephen died. A part of me died different and intense. Perhaps I should walk to the nursery and that day, too, but at the same time the love that was first born on just make sure everything is okay. January 21, 1983, refused to be diminished. There were lessons to be learned from their deaths, like not sweating the small stuff and During the days and weeks that followed, I came to realize that reaching out to others with the love that was so freely given to me this absolute, unconditional love and fierce protectiveness took by Stephanie and Stephen. over my entire being. This tiny bundle of joy was always a part of As time went on, my husband, Wayne, and I decided we had Plan Now to Save the Date! so much love to give that we would like to have more children. First Christopher and then Katie came along after the deaths The Compassionate of their brother and sister. What was true for Stephanie and Friends Stephen is also true for Christopher and Katie. There is absolute, unconditional love and fierce protectiveness for them, too—so 36th National Conference much so I’ve earned the nickname of “Momma Bear.” Chris and Katie are off to college now. So our household has again changed. Boston, Massachusetts But it’s a good change; they are learning to fly on their own. We July 5–7, 2013 no longer have to plan our day around our children’s needs. Make plans to join us next Things change, kids grow up; and sometimes they don’t. For summer in beautiful Boston. far too long, I remembered how Stephanie and Stephen died and Go to TCF’s website, www.compassionatefriends.org, for not how they lived. But I’ve been able to turn the corner and updated information. v remember how blessed I am that they were, and always will be, a part of my life. They weren’t with me nearly long enough—but eTCF Mission sTaTeMenT ee what time I had was a true blessing. I now choose to remember how we loved one another and how they lived, and not just how When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers they died. intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The My wish for all our TCF members is that each of you will Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, wrap yourselves in the love that was, is, and will always be your hope, and support to every family experiencing the death child, hold that love close. Don’t let the first thing you think of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, about each day be how your child died. Let it be how your and helps others better assist the grieving family. child lived. v Chapters: please make sure your newsletter, website, and Pat printed material contain the above mission statement. v 2 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

Autumn 2012 • Vol. 35, No. 4 Features Departments What’s It All About? My Journey with Complicated Grief From the Exec’s Desk We Need Not Walk Alone is By Stephanie Muldberg..................... 4 By Pat Loder ..................................... 2 the national magazine of Understanding and Respecting TCF Patron Donations.................... 16 The Compassionate Friends, a mutual Cultural Differences in Mourning Friends, Caring and Sharing ......... 17 assistance, self-help organization By Nivia E. Vázquez and TCF Board of Directors.................. 18 offering friendship, understanding, Mercedes Marqués ............................ 5 Ask Dr. Gloria ................................. 19 and hope to bereaved families TCF 35th National Conference/ TCF Chapter Support..................... 28 following the death of a child. The 5th International Gathering Compassionate Friends provides By Shelly Ellis ................................... 6 For Brothers and Sisters highly personal comfort, hope, and First-Time Conference Reflections Reminders of a Brother support to every family experiencing By Christine Kopecky........................ 8 By Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn ........... 10 the death of a son or a daughter, a One Life, Two Deaths Ask Dr. Heidi ................................... 10 brother or a sister, or a grandchild, By Adam Kaplan ............................... 12 “Oceans of Love . . .” and helps others better assist the The Cruel Trick of Grief By Tracy Milne.................................. 11 grieving family. There is no religious By Bob Baugher, PhD ....................... 13 affiliation, no individual membership Brianna’s Blankets Book Review fees or dues, and all bereaved family By Laurel Taylor ............................... 14 Healing a Parent’s Grieving Heart members are welcome. Moving On? By Dr. Alan Wolfelt Reviewed by Joy Johnson.................. 21 Visit TCF on the Net By Betsy Kron.................................... 15 TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting® Poetry For further information, visit The Compassionate By Wayne Loder ................................ 22 From My Heart to Yours Friends on the Internet at The Francis Slow-Cooker By Myrtle Fleming ............................ 7 www.compassionatefriends.org. Ponderings The Compassionate Friends By Betsy Kron.................................... 25 By Irene Rowland.............................. 15 now offers an “Online Support With Love, from Heaven She Is Near Community.” For more information, By Lu Ann Michaelree....................... 24 select the Online Support By Robin Goddard ............................ 29 Community button on TCF’s home page. The views presented within this magazine represent those of the authors and do not necessarily represent those of The Compassionate Friends. TCF’s Facebook page can be reached through the link on the home page of our national website. Facebook members can also go to: The Compassionate Friends/USA. Cover photo by Jan Bigbee Weesner, in loving memory of her son Evan Bigbee. Jan is a member of the Katy, Texas, chapter of The Compassionate Friends. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 3

My Journey to keep him alive for me; his quality of life was the only thing with Complicated that I was concerned with. I was his mother, his advocate, his caretaker, and his cheerleader. I needed to focus on making Grief good decisions. I couldn’t run away from this horrific news, and neither could Eric. The diagnosis of cancer was reality; I ~By Stephanie Muldberg had to figure out how to best manage it, and that is what I did. Eight years ago, David and I lost our 13-year-old son, During the next seven months, Eric had six rounds of chemotherapy; two stem-cell transplants; and a Eric, to Ewing’s sarcoma bone cancer. He b-ttled this horrible hemipelvectomy, meaning half his pelvis was removed. He disease for 16 months. For the next four years, I had my own was in a full body cast for three months. Our entire family battles dealing with my loss—until I was able to give it a had to adjust to Eric’s needs. For 16 months I was Eric’s name: complicated grief. caretaker, a devoted and loving caretaker. Even one month before he died, when he was unexpectedly hospitalized, I In August 2002, Eric arrived home from summer camp. climbed into the hospital bed with him and told him I was At dinner that evening, Eric told David and me about his sorry that he had to spend another night in the hospital. He wonderful summer and casually mentioned that his hip said to me, “It’s okay, Mommy, I’m with you, and you make hurt. A few days later, I took Eric to a pediatric orthopedist. me feel safe.” Four weeks later, Eric died at home in my bed. He showed me the X-rays he’d taken, and I asked about a shadow I saw. He told me it was gas, and Eric would feel When I stood on the bimah to eulogize my son, I asked better in a few days. The following week I took Eric for a friends and family to feel free to mention Eric’s name, to follow-up visit because he was not feeling better. This time share stories and memories with us. Someone sent me a the shadow had grown considerably in size. The doctor picture of Eric at her son’s birthday party—one I had never didn’t tell me anything at that time, but he arranged for an seen. It meant so much that there was something new I could emergency MRI. Eric had enrolled in a basketball clinic, and know of him. However, for the most part, very few people after the MRI, he insisted that I take him to the first night. actually did share such memories. This made it even harder. I hesitated; I wanted him to rest, certain that he would feel better if he gave himself time to heal. But no rest would heal I was very unprepared for my grief and and how Eric. The next day we found out that the shadow I’d seen was others would react to it. I worried that people would be a tumor. Later, this became a focus of my self-doubt: if I had uncomfortable seeing me emotional, so I tried to protect taken him to the doctor sooner, if I had pressed the doctor them by remaining silent and avoiding them. I felt the sting about the shadow, if Eric had received treatment sooner, he of rejection from friends and acquaintances who viewed me would still be alive. differently and felt uncomfortable around me. I felt people’s impatience when I was unable to shake off feelings of sadness But at the time I was determined to stay strong and take and anger, confusion and loneliness, even years after Eric’s one day at a time. I believed that children don’t get cancer, death. I lost faith in the the goodwill of others and felt a and that the tumor was going to be benign. On October 2, painful sense of isolation. 2002, my world shattered; Eric was diagnosed with stage 4 Ewing’s sarcoma bone cancer. When I lost Eric, I felt I’d lost part of my identity; it was as if I didn’t know who I was. The fact that people could not Resilience, as defined in psychology, is the positive talk about it made it even harder. I had to learn to live in a capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity. But world without Eric, and I couldn’t do it. resilience wasn’t a word that entered my mind; taking care of Eric was the only thing I could think of doing. This wasn’t I don’t remember much about those first few years. There about me; I was determined to keep Eric emotionally and were times I was so paralyzed by my grief that I would come physically safe. Never had I experienced a more stressful home to our empty house after taking my daughter, Lauren, situation. My sweet, sensitive, fun-loving son had cancer. to school, and sit on the couch, staring outside until I had to This was no time to curl up in a ball and retreat to my bed, pick her up again. There were times I felt I floated through although I wanted to. Decisions had to be made, a plan for the mechanical motions of cooking, cleaning, and holding a Eric’s treatment had to be made. While the diagnosis of conversation. It was a time of numbness and pain so intense cancer was overwhelming, I was not going to let that interfere it was actually physical. What I didn’t know then was that I with finding the best protocol for Eric’s diagnosis. was experiencing complicated grief. We agreed on the most aggressive protocol available. Most Complicated grief is an intense and long-lasting form of important, I told the doctor, this was about Eric. I didn’t want grief that takes over a person’s life. People with complicated grief often say that they feel “stuck.” For people who get stuck, nothing seems to change. It is as if the death happened the day before. Time stops, and with it the mourner’s involvement with life stops. People with complicated grief may believe that their lives are over and that the intense pain (Continued on page 9) 4 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

LaTinO/HiSpaniC BEREavED “native” tongue, we learned about our culture, how we relate to others and air our emotions and feelings. We speak the Mercedes Marqués (left) and Nivia E. Vázquez (right) at The Compassionate Friends 35th same language; we share and are united by the same culture; National Conference and 5th International Gathering in Costa Mesa, California and we recognize the importance of our feelings, our pain, and our grief being understood by others. Understanding and Respecting Cultural We cry in our native tongue, even if we speak more than Differences in Mourning one language, because we need to speak in our mother tongue when we are overcome by a great emotion. We laugh and cry, ~By Nivia E. Vázquez and Mercedes Marqués we feel our pain, and our soul aches in our language. When I laugh, I laugh in my mother tongue; We dreamed of this project . . . a workshop and a sharing When I cry, I cry in my mother tongue; session totally in Spanish. And for the first time we had the opportunity of presenting both at The Compassionate Friends When I scream my pain, I do so in my mother tongue; 35th National and 5th International Gathering held in Costa When I speak with the spirits, Mesa. The workshop, titled “Nuestros Hijos e Hijas en I do so in my mother tongue. Nuestros Corazones para Siempre,” addressed issues on the ~Author Unknown grief of mothers and fathers as individuals and as couples, surviving children, siblings grief, and cultural diversity When we leave our native country, we also leave our related to mourning. It was an emotional encounter, where for more than three hours we, attendees and presenters, learned, way of life, our customs, our history until that moment in remembered, and shared our views, our stories, our grief, and time, our friends, and perhaps even part of our family. All our emotions; read poems, sang, swayed to the rhythm of the of these things have been our source of wisdom, survival, music, and even felt the presence of our children. Indeed, and support. We know that saying good-bye means absence it was an exceptional experience, and we hope that this and distance. Later we begin a new life with the personal workshop gives way to future ones. tools that we brought with us we gradually begin to adapt by adding to our tools from the community around us. However, Diversity is a broad concept that includes race, ethnicity, when we face the pain of losing a child, we remember and religion, gender, spirituality, the different ways of seeing, miss what we left behind. understanding, and facing life and death, grief, and the beliefs of the spiritual life after death. These are the reasons Cultural heritage, especially beliefs and rituals, becomes we need to be conscious and aware of the diversity that is deeply important and necessary during those painful found in our support groups: That the word compassion, moments and celebrations of bereavement. Our heritage which identifies us as an organization, signifies an obligation accompanies us in our life journey through grief, healing, and to learn and know about this diversity will ultimately reconciliation. In our language, our so-called “mother” or sensitize us to accept and respect. In this way, we all will feel accompanied and will not have to walk alone because we are different. Truth resides in every human heart, and one has to search for it there, and be guided by the truth as one sees it. But no one has the right to coerce others to act according to his own view of truth. ~M. Gandhi v Nivia Vázquez, BSS, CPPSC, translator, bilingual legal secretary, member, TCF Board of Directors, chapter leader of Los Amigos Compasivos in San Juan, Puerto Rico, bereaved mother of José Francisco “Yoito,” and mother of Roberto José. Mercedes Marqués, EdD, MPH, MSW, MPA, SLSW, teaches social work at the University of Puerto Rico, co-chapter leader, Los Amigos Compasivos in San Juan, Puerto Rico, bereaved mother of José Alberto, and also mother of José Angel and Frances. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 5

TCF COnFEREnCE, COSTa MESa fellow travelers speak about their unique grief journeys, there were also chances to Opening Ceremony with Alan Pederson and the Love in Motion Signing Choir learn about various coping mechanisms, different ways of viewing and dealing The CompassionaTe Friends with the same problems, and finding hope. 35th National Conference The idea that there are no barriers among those of us who have had a child and die was reinforced for me once again as I conversed with parents from as far away 5th International Gathering as Australia, England, and South Africa. Moms and dads from nine countries July 20–22, 2012 • Costa Mesa, California outside the United States had travelled the distance to be here. I found that just about Ii n July, 1,300 bereaved parents,~By Shelly Ellis the only thing that distinguished us from one another was our accents. This was the fourth time I had traveled With more than 100 different grandparents, and siblings gathered in to a TCF National Conference since workshops available on many and varied topics of interest, it was a challenge to Costa Mesa, California, for the 35th my beloved 23-year-old son, Jason, choose only seven to attend. This was made even more difficult because before National Conference/5th International died in 2000, after being hit by a tram I became a bereaved parent, I was a bereaved sibling. My older and only Gathering of The Compassionate Friends. in Amsterdam. Once again upon my brother, Neal, and I had a close and special relationship. He had introduced me to They came with different expectations, arrival, I felt surrounded by love and my husband, walked me down the aisle at my wedding, and was godfather to my but were united by their broken hearts understanding. My favorite part of each second son. When Neal died, I felt I was able to handle my grief on my own, and and the love they carried for children who conference has been the impromptu sought no outside help. However, since my involvement with TCF after Jason’s death, died too soon. Those who had previously conversations I have had with other I wondered if that was truly the case. attended a national conference knew bereaved parents while waiting for an I decided to attend a sibling workshop with the idea that I would listen, but what most first-time attendees would elevator to arrive, a workshop to begin, not speak other than to tell of my loss if asked. I knew that I would be significantly learn by the end of the conference. Total a meal to be served, or during any of the older than any of the other siblings, and I was not sure if my presence would inhibit strangers could share the most painful other unstructured moments that occur others from speaking, since parents were not allowed to attend these workshops. and personal experiences of their lives in a normal day. For me, in most other To my surprise, I was quickly accepted as a bereaved sibling and asked many here. They could hug as though they were settings, these moments are wasted since questions by others in attendance. As we left, I received many hugs and thanks long-lost friends, laugh together through I have no desire for idle conversation. from my sibling compassionate friends. their tears, talk about their new “normal” Here it was so different. I did not want Memory Boards without having to pretend to be their to waste a minute. Opportunities were old “normal,” remove the masks they everywhere to share my thoughts, often wore for the rest of the world, and feelings, doubts, and experiences with become fast friends in a matter of days. people who understood. As I listened to 6 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

On the strong recommendation of a From My Heart to Yours very close friend, who was going to the same panel workshop for the second year ~By Myrtle Fleming, in a row—one given by siblings for the Chairperson of the International Council of The Compassionate Friends benefit of parents and grandparents— I decided to join her. I, too, think that I express in poetry Andrew brought me here this workshop is a must for anyone with Just the way I feel As your children too have done a surviving child. The panelists were It’s helped me through my grieving Your lovely precious daughter, open, honest, and willing to handle any And helped my heart to heal And your darling, handsome son question presented to them. Even though I am a surviving sibling, I was reminded Thank you for this honour In listening to each story that as Matthew’s mom, I must remember That you’ve bestowed on me You will surely grow Jason as he was, complete with his faults. You do not know how precious This is because no one can compete with As we’re learning from each other a perfect “angel.” You all are to me That we do not walk alone For me, the Walk to Remember® was We owe a debt of gratitude So, just listen, an embodiment of The Compassionate To Margaret and to Jim Listen with a loving heart Friends Credo. Walkers with gray hair A fantastic job she’s done When someone speaks to you walked alongside babies being pushed in Give them your attention carriages. Parents just beginning their grief And it’s also thanks to him Warm and kind and true journey were striding side by side with others who had been traveling the grief Thank you from South Africa Listen with a caring heart road for more than a decade. Some were From our warm and sunny land When someone needs to speak walking fast. Others just ambled along at You’ve reached across the world Especially when they’re grieving their own pace, stopping to talk along the With your outstretched, loving hands And it’s comfort that they seek way. Many were carrying banners covered with the names of children they never had Thank you to our founders Listen with an open heart the chance to meet, yet they felt connected Their foresight without measure Do not try to judge to them through memories shared by the children’s parents at TCF meetings. We They’ve linked the world It won’t be very helpful saw pictures and names of loved ones in hope and love If someone bears a grudge pinned to the back and front of 2012 Walk to Remember® t-shirts everywhere. A gift we truly treasure Listen with your eyes Although each of us was walking the For you will see the pain same two-mile path in our own way and To Simon and the Hendersons And if someone can trust you at our own speed, we were all walking To Betty, Iris, Joe They’ll speak to you again together. We were united in our love for our children, in our desire that they be How many lives they’ve touched Listen to each other remembered and our need to cross the They will never know To spouse, to child, to friends finish line. Reaching out and touching them We’re grateful that they shared with us With a love that never ends I have already started to save for the The lives of Ken and Bill 36th Compassionate Friends National In memory of each of them Conference, to be held in Boston, July And even through their deaths Through all the tears you’ve cried 5–7, 2013. I hope to see you there. v We know they love them still Live for them for they lived Shelly Ellis resides in Miami, Florida, And so it is with each of us Don’t die because they died with her husband, Jerry, her son, Our children loved, then gone Matthew, three cats, and a dog. She For each broken-hearted family Go out into the world is a physical therapist by profession, Though your heart may be in sorrow specializing in geriatrics and spinal Their memory lingers on cord injuries. She is one of the founders As memorials to the children of the Miami Chapter of TCF, and is To each of you who’ve lost a child You can face tomorrow currently coleader of the group as well My heart goes out to you as co–regional coordinator for the When you’re in South Africa Southeast Florida chapters of TCF. Especially if your child’s been dead We’ve a bed for you For just year or two But you can’t be coming all at once Grannies, grandpas, siblings Please, whatever you do! You also feel the pain I’d love to meet each one of you For the family chain is broken So come and say hello And will never be the same For my love goes out to all of you We’ve come to California Wherever you may go v To talk, to learn, to share A hug of understanding To show we truly care WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 7

TCF COnFEREnCE, COSTa MESa conference was extremely well-organized, with interesting, inspiring speakers at the beginning and end of each day, and Saturday evening candle lighting dozens of different workshops to choose from, led by both professionals and grieving parents. The workshops covered Re ections from a First-Time a huge range of topics, from “Death from the Disease of TCF Conference Attendee Addiction,” to “Learning to Forgive,” to “Spiritual Grief.” There were workshops for siblings, teens, grandparents, and ~By Christine Kopecky men; workshops geared toward the newly bereaved and those twenty years into their grief. (Yes, we will still be grieving Imagine a thousand people from around the world taking in twenty years . . . sigh . . .) I chose workshops dealing with such things as anxiety and grief, meditation and visualization, over the Costa Mesa Hilton: lighting candles, attending writing, yoga for grief, signs from our children, and how workshops, listening to speakers and music. Complete strangers to make the transition “from surviving to thriving.” At the crying, hugging, even laughing in every corner and elevator—it closing ceremony, there was a performance by the newly was a big lovefest, kind of like Woodstock, without the rock ’n’ formed (that weekend!) sibling choir that made my eyes water roll or LSD . . . and way better facilities . . . It was a time for and my heart swell. The Walk to Remember® throughout the sharing, comfort, and camaraderie. Southern California neighborhood was an opportunity to chat with friends from our own Santa Cruz chapter, which made a I had gone with some trepidation to this conference. I wasn’t good showing, and also gave us the feeling of doing something convinced that being around hundreds of people who were as concrete in the names of our beloved children. sad as I am was really what I needed. Because, as I near the end of my fourth year of grieving, I’m getting tired of it. I’m tired Probably the most emotional, but satisfying, moment for of being miserable. Tired of this wall that separates me from me was the candle-lighting ceremony on Saturday night, “normal” people. Tired of watching intact families with envy which began with the song “Precious Child,” performed by and resentment. Tired of making my grief the center of my life. its composer/writer, Karen Taylor-Good. I imagine the Hilton I’m ready to try to see if it’s possible to feel good about my had to turn off its smoke alarms as close to a thousand of us lit life again, without my tragedy taking center stage. Of course, a candles while saying the names of our children aloud. There large part of me is not ready to move on—how could I?—not were many tears, but also an incredible sense of unity and ready to relinquish the now familiar and comfortable black love, a feeling of belonging to something big and good. There hole of grief. So what was really wonderful, for me, about the was something really powerful about being seen, recognized, conference, was that it catered to both my parts. There was and acknowledged; about being surrounded by people, every commiseration and solace for my pain, but also inspiration and single one of whom understood and felt the same kind of pain guidance for creating a new path in my journey. that I felt. The Costa Mesa Hilton seemed, at first, an unlikely setting I walked away feeling comforted, supported, uplifted, and for the conference, ill-suited to the needs of hundreds of fragile connected. And the words and stories of so many speakers souls. But it was beautiful and well-run, and really faded continue to echo in my head. Two come to mind: the story of a into the background as the conference began. Each person woman whose son had died several years before, and who was was given a bag upon arrival, thoughtfully filled with small, in the hospital herself, on the surgeon’s table, and died for a physical comforts: Tylenol, Chapstick, agendas, notepads, a moment. She felt herself rise up out of her body and go toward pen, a local map, a beautiful bookmark, chocolate, a package the white light that we’ve all heard so much about, and there to of forget-me-not flower seeds, and tissues, lots of tissues. The greet her was, among others, her son. When minutes later she returned to her body and this life, her first awareness was of a yearning to go back to the light and her son. And some words that stay with me came from Darcie Sims, the speaker at the closing ceremony. To paraphrase: “You are not here because your child died, you are here because he lived. Grief is the price you pay for love. Don’t you dare only remember that he died; remember that he lived.” Easier said than done, but certainly a worthwhile goal. So for me, the conference did what I think was intended, and what I feel after each meeting here in Santa Cruz: it made me feel that I truly do not walk alone on this path through grief. Peace to us all. v Christine Kopecky, Keil’s mom, is a member of the Santa Cruz, California, Chapter of TCF. 8 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

(My Journey with Complicated Grief, continued from page 4) The questions that I was asked when I came for the initial interview were the first thing that impressed me. No one had they feel will never end. Those with complicated grief ever asked me if I was having trouble accepting the loss, sometimes think that by enjoying life, they are betraying their whether I felt angry or bitter about it, or a lot of the other loved ones. I did. things they asked that day. The next thing I noticed was that my therapist seemed surprisingly comfortable talking to me Grief is a reaction that helps us cope with loss. When about Eric and how grief-stricken I was. She said that she grief is working, different feelings associated with grief would not pretend to understand how I was feeling, but she guide and motivate changes that help people adjust to the wanted to hear anything that I wanted to tell her. This was the death. Uncomplicated grief is a natural process of grieving first time I had felt that I did not need to take care of someone that involves “upheaval in life” and great emotional pain, else. I began to see a glimmer of hope. What really made but people progress and come to terms with the finality of the difference, though, were a couple of procedures called their loss. While the grief never really ends, people are able imaginal exercises. One involves revisiting the period of the to resume their daily activities and integrate the loss into death, and another entails having an imaginary conversation their lives. People learn to adjust and to find ways to stay with the person who died. By telling the story of Eric’s death connected to the person they lost. Most important, they begin repeatedly, I was able to notice things that I had not paid to engage in their own lives again. I couldn’t. attention to. I started to focus on all the love and support that Eric received from everyone who loved him. These unusual Mourning is the process by which people find a way to procedures were remarkably effective, transforming my make some kind of peace with the loss and to restore their grief and changing my life. There is no one way to transform own capacity for joy and satisfaction in a world without the grief—it is very individual. These imaginal exercises helped person they lost. Grief is always very difficult, but for some me understand the problems that were complicating my grief people, like me, the process goes awry and they get stuck. and finally allowed my grief to progress. Like me, most people with complicated grief don’t know what is wrong with them. They are unable to modulate powerful Today I can say that, of course, my life was permanently feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, and anger; and they can’t changed by losing Eric, but I know it is possible to make a stop yearning and longing for the person who is gone. They new life that is rich and satisfying—though often tinged have strong urges to touch, hear, or smell things to feel with sadness. close to the person they lost. At the same time, they get so emotionally and physically activated that they want to avoid Now I find myself and my family going and doing and people, places, or things that are reminders of the loss. functioning and taking joy in life and its challenges. I never Even though I knew it wasn’t true, I couldn’t shake the feeling believed that would be possible, but I assure you it is. that life was empty and meaningless without Eric. I couldn’t There are still times, especially good times, where the pain shake the disbelief or shock. I was emotionally numb. of missing Eric stops me in my tracks. But there are good times. We share joys as a family that he did not live to share, There were many reasons why the grief process went awry and that makes me extremely sad. But we still have joys; in my case. One of the roadblocks was the fear that I would that is what Eric would want, and that is how it should be. somehow lose the memories that connected me to Eric. I Sometimes the sadness is predictable and particularly evident, seemed unable to remember the good times and instead was such as when we celebrate a holiday or a birthday or an constantly tormented by the bad ones. All I could think of anniversary. At other times it catches me by surprise in the was the suffering, the treatments, the body cast, and the last midst of the most routine activities—driving past a baseball few days of his life when he could no longer get out of bed, field, seeing a boy drive a car, passing his favorite restaurant. or speak, when he was gasping for breath because the cancer had metastasized to his lungs. My thoughts frequently turned But I believe that I have grown in my ability to be to self-blame and questions. Why hadn’t I known how ill he compassionate, to understand the pain that others may be was? Why hadn’t I made sure he got treatment faster? Had I experiencing. Once you know the pain of excruciating, made the right decisions? These questions had no answers, incomprehensible loss, you can’t unknow it. When you and they just made the pain worse. I couldn’t do anything for endure suffering, you also learn empathy. Loving is a risk one myself—engaging in an activity was a reminder of the fact takes—you can’t avoid loving and losing. Love doesn’t have that he could not. He could not play golf; therefore, I could to end—my love for Eric hasn’t ended, and it never will. v not permit myself to either. I had lost my way. I had lost faith in other people. I felt that I had to rely on myself, but I had Stephanie Muldberg lives in Short Hills, New Jersey, and lost faith in myself. I had nowhere to turn. volunteers at Imagine, a grief support center for adults and However, while the death of a loved one is such a personal event, grief needs to be shared with others, perhaps to remind children coping with loss. She is a member of the Chatham, New us that grief is a universal experience. I couldn’t do that until I finally got the treatment that I needed in a research project Jersey, chapter of The Compassionate Friends. at Columbia University. I was helped by a short-term therapy that was specifically designed to target complicated grief. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 9

BEREavED SiBLinGS his immune system, had. But the end result was the same: He ended up confined to a 10 foot by 10 foot room for the rest of Reminders of a Brother his life. Who Rarely Saw the Sky As a kid, I couldn’t think my way into what it felt ~By Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn like to be him. And he’d been in there so long that it had become normal to me. It rarely occurred to me that it didn’t A few years ago, I ended up at the American Folk Art necessarily feel normal to him. Plus, he was my invincible older brother, the master of every situation. The work in this Museum quite by accident. A friend was visiting from out of exhibit revealed, painfully, that that probably was not the town, and we’d intended to go to the newly opened MOMA. case. I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know. It was painful. But the lines were insane. Next door at the AFAM, however, there were no lines at all. So we thought, What the heck? It’s I was reminded of it all again today, when I opened a book a great museum. But what very much caught my attention called Seasons of Captivity: The Inner World of POWS. It was was an exhibit on prison art. recommended to me by a friend who knows I’m interested in the psychology of place. But what really struck me, even just To be honest, I don’t remember the details. But the idea in the introduction, was that I couldn’t stop thinking about that these people were expressing what it was like to live in Ted while reading. Here’s one quote that did me in: captivity, in close quarters, without much hope of getting out, suddenly struck a nerve. My brother, in a sense, was a “This was the first time we got out, without our blindfolds, prisoner. He hadn’t done anything wrong. His body, or rather from the courtyard. An interesting thing happened: Suddenly I discovered the horizon. Out there, on the edge of the desert, lay the infinite horizon. I felt dizzy. All these years I had (Continued on page 12) ASK Dr. Heidi Question: Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD, is a bereaved My oldest daughter passed away in March 2008. I am concerned that sibling as well as a psychologist. her 15-year-old sister doesn’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t seem to be She is the executive director of the grieving. What can I do? When I mourn, I do it alone in my bedroom so I Open to Hope Foundation, won’t upset my daughter, but it’s almost like she’s carrying on like she’s never had a sister. cohost of the Open to Hope radio program, www.opentohope.com, an adjunct professor Answer: at Columbia University, and a national board Teens who have experienced the death of a sibling have been through a lot. member of The Compassionate Friends. While teens often want others to know they’ve experienced a sibling loss, they She will be answering your questions don’t want to be different or pitied because of their loss. Although teens might not look like they’re grieving, internally they are often on an emotional roller coaster. related to loss, grief, and recovery for siblings. The teens I work with want parents to know that even if they are not talking to them about their loss, they are grieving. Acknowledge the uniqueness of your Please send your question to: daughter’s loss. Let her know that you are there for her even if she doesn’t want Dr. Heidi Horsley to talk. Tell her that although you’ve lost a child, you don’t know what it’s like to lose a sibling. Making statements such as, “I’m here if you want to talk,” or “It c/o Catherine Patillo, WNNWA must be very difficult for you right now,” can be very validating to grieving teens. P.O. Box 526194 While your daughter might not be willing or able in the moment to talk about her loss, she will know from these statements that you care. It is important to model Salt Lake City, Utah 84152-6194 healthy grieving for your daughter, such as setting aside time to mourn, journal, E-mail: [email protected] and walk or exercise, as well as talking about your own feelings of loss. Don’t be afraid to show tears in front of your daughter, just reassure her that even though you are sad, you will still be able to take care of her and that life is still worth living. Often the parents I work with don’t feel they are coping well with their own feelings, let alone supporting their teens’ feelings. It is important to realize that despite your best intentions, it is easy to make mistakes, so be compassionate with yourself and your daughter, and hold fast to the idea that you are doing the best you can under the most difficult circumstances. v 10 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

TCF COnFEREnCE • SiBLinGS Skills,” “Sibling Stories,” and “Issues and Tissues.” There were also several creative workshops involving arts and crafts, music, and poetry, which gave siblings a chance to express their feelings through the arts. All ages, all circumstances, all coming together to each share their story about their brother and/or sister. But there was also some fun to be had . . . and on Friday night, the siblings were treated to a trip to Dave & Buster’s. The siblings were all given a “game card” to use on the games inside, as well as their own private room to eat and relax in. Almost every sibling left with a prize that night—some left with something more valuable . . . new friends. The weekend concluded with a banquet, candle lighting, a memorial walk, and the now infamous “Sounds of the Siblings.” This year the siblings decided to add a skit between their songs to showcase a common argument between parents and siblings. Many parents came up to the siblings afterward, thanking them for showing the sibling Sibling Meet and Greet perspective, saying that they had no idea their surviving child felt that way, or that they had no idea they were acting that “Oceans of Love, way toward their surviving child. The “Sounds of the Siblings” was created to be a moment Mountains of Memories” where the siblings are given a voice to express themselves to the audience, which includes many of their own parents. It is usually acknowledged with a roaring standing ovation of cheers and ~By Tracy Milne applause, and this conference was no exception. It was a great ending to a great weekend full of love, laughter, hope, and healing. T Friendships were made, bonds were formed, hugs were shared, hat was the theme this year for The Compassionate Friends and tears were shed. I know I speak for all of the siblings when I 35th National Conference/5th International Gathering in Costa say, “I can’t wait to do it all again next summer, in Boston.” v Mesa, California. Siblings came from around the world in honor of their brothers and sisters who have died. Some came Tracy’s 10-year-old brother, Andrew G. Milne, died in 1986 as the in search of hope, some came in search of healing, while others result of a skateboarding accident. That summer Tracy went to her came to offer a comforting hug or words of encouragement. first TCF meeting, and she has been actively involved ever since. This year’s conference kicked off on Thursday night with a She has served as a workshop presenter, sharing session monitor, Sibling Meet and Greet, hosted by Eric Estrella, Ben Domino, conference chair, and now sits on the National Board of Directors and Kristy Mueller. Here, the siblings were given all the as the sibling representative. necessary information about the conference activities and workshops that were available to them. Once the “housekeeping” was complete, then the games began! Suddenly a room full of 60 strangers began to interact with one another, each trying to be the first to win the prize! It was amazing to see that in spite of the wide range of ages among the siblings, everyone participated. The game was the perfect icebreaker for the siblings, old and new alike. Every year, committee members, national staff, and the executive director work diligently to provide activities and workshops that focus on the needs of the siblings—and this year was no different. The workshops presented included “Suddenly Alone,” “Learning Coping Group picture from the Sounds of the Siblings WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 11

One Life, Once insurance was no longer an issue, Gabi gave up her Two Deaths passion for reporting and channeled her vast energies into Michaela’s care. After six months, the seizures stopped. Nine ~ By Adam Kaplan months after that, I accepted a move and job offer in Detroit, Michigan, so that we could live closer to Gabi’s family. On May 11, 2009, our youngest daughter, Maayan Over the next four-plus years, our life was Michaela and Rachel Kaplan, was born. Twelve days later my oldest Michaela was our life. We traveled with her to Israel for my daughter, Michaela, went to sleep at her grandparents’ house sister’s wedding; two summers later, she joined us on a trip to and never woke the next day. While the official mourning Panama. She was so spirited and alive, making her feelings period ended less than a month later, I have continued to known through her unmistakable vocalizations and with a grieve for not only my beloved five-year-old, but also for the smile that extended from ear to ear. permanent end of my existence as a special-needs caregiver. Gabi dedicated herself to Michaela’s care and well- Michaela Noam Kaplan’s first month of life was spent in being, shuffling her between physical therapy and doctor’s the intensive care units of two hospitals in Atlanta, Georgia, appointments, and concocting various food combinations which was, of course, where my wife, Gabi, and I spent whose consistency would agree with her chewing and most of our waking hours. I had just begun the full-time swallowing challenges. I changed her G-tube, danced MBA program at Emory’s Goizueta Business School, while around the living room with her, and tucked her in at night. Gabi took a job as news editor for a community newspaper. In 2006, we had our second child Ayelet, but the shining star These vocations quickly became mere afterthoughts as we was Michaela. navigated the unfamiliar terrain between being medical decision makers and parents. When at only 24 hours of age, What most people fail to understand is that we loved our Michaela had her first seizure, we kissed her—and then time as special-needs caregivers. This was existence with consented to the first round of anticonvulsants. purpose. Somehow, we were infused with an energy to be on call for 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We had no time At 7:00 p.m., we watched intently as the night nurses for cable TV or Facebook—we had a life to live. slowly emerged from the hospital’s halls, and kept an eye out for our favorites, whom we would attempt to hand-select for When Michaela tragically lost her life that terrible day our child. The period of restful nights had ended. in May, we lost ours as well. Our extended community of therapists and doctors evaporated instantly. The durable This was not how we planned to begin our new life, a medical equipment went into a closet or against a wall. young married couple who had left New York City in search The sympathy cards we received tried to console us on our of greater opportunity and community down south. But like singular “loss.” Together, only we knew the truth of the two all dedicated parents would have done, we slowly adapted to lives that we have parted with forever. v our “new normal.” Adam Kaplan is the founder and CEO of Big Tent Jobs, LLC. He 12 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE resides in Michigan with his wife, Gabriella, and two surviving daughters, Ayelet, six, and Maayan, three. (Reminders, continued from page 10) seen nothing beyond the eighteen meters of our room and courtyard; only the birds up in the sky.” It reminded me of the way my brother, on the few times he came out in the sterile space suit that allowed him to leave his hospital room, would stand and stare up at the trees. He loved, he said, to look up at the trees. Now I can appreciate better how wonderous that must have been for him. But it’s a painful realization. Imagine it being a novelty, a luxury, even, to look up and see the branches of a tree outlined against the sky. v Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn is the author of The Empty Room: Surviving Sibling Loss, a memoir and journalistic exploration of sibling loss. Her brother, Ted, suffered from a rare immune deficiency disorder and spent eight years in an isolation room behind a plastic curtain before he died. He was one of two boys upon whom the movie, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble was based. To learn more about Elizabeth and her work, go to www.devitaraeburn.com.

The Cruel Trick We also know that, contrary to what was preached by so- of Grief called experts a few decades ago, the majority of bereaved people do find ways to create some type of continuing bond ~By Bob Baugher, PhD with their deceased loved ones whether it be by visiting a special place, wearing jewelry or clothing, carrying a favorite OOn May 12, 2000, Adam Petty, grandson of famous picture or trinket, or keeping a cherished item. The challenge for us all is to find a way in our grief journey to gradually let race-car driver Richard Petty, was killed instantly when the the pain subside without dreading that, by letting this happen, throttle of his race car stuck and sent him head-on into a wall. we are somehow “losing” our loved ones. He was 19. A few days later, while being interviewed about the tragedy, Adam’s father, Kyle, stated, “I hope I never get As you know, there are multiple ways to keep our loved over it. I pray every night that it hurts as bad tomorrow as it ones close to us. When my sister Lori’s husband, Jeff, hurts today because that way I know I’m as close to him as I suddenly died last year from leukemia at age 52, my son always have been.” Does this sound familiar? Shawn, Lori, and I spent hours and hours in the days leading up to the memorial service creating a DVD of his life with I have a question for you: What if tomorrow you awoke to pictures, videos, and music. Now, in her grief, whenever find that all (and I mean all) of the pain you’ve been feeling she wants, Lori puts the DVD in her player, gets her box of from the death of your loved one was instantly gone? How tissues ready, and watches it. Some would say that she is would you feel? Relieved? Comforted? Calm? Perhaps at torturing herself. But those of us who know her realize that first. However, as the days and weeks wore on, many people this is one of her ways of staying connected to a man whose might begin to experience a strange feeling that something love she still feels after 27 years of marriage. was wrong. Why is this? Let’s examine what may be going on here. I don’t have to tell you: grief is complex stuff. It can impose a cruel trick on us all. It begins when death barges During the time your loved one was alive, you had into our lives and takes our loved ones from our physical thousands upon thousands of experiences of places you went, grasp. It then leaves us in pain, which in turn causes a talks you had, and things you did together. Because our multiple array of grief reactions. Finally, because our reaction to death causes intense pain, which in turn causes memories are all we have, the recollections easily become grief, pain and grief become integrated in the brain cells blended with our pain and grief. containing the previously pleasant memories of our loved ones. Later, whenever we even think about our loved ones, Do you remember the first time you laughed? The first these previously comforting thoughts may now bring pain and time you forgot to do something that acknowledged your grief. Therefore every memory, which before had produced loved one? The times when your pain was not the white-hot, positive emotions, now is coupled with pain and grief. Here is gut-wrenching ache of grief? Did you also feel the memories a sketch of the process: slipping? In contrast to the wish of Kyle Petty, your job is to slowly but deliberately work to understand that letting go Deathpaingriefmemoriespaingrief of some of the pain does not mean that you are losing the memories of your precious loved one. Furthermore, for many bereaved people, as the pain and grief begin to slowly subside, the memories of their loved You can overcome this cruel trick by doing all you can ones may also begin to appear to slip further into the distance. to compile and retain lasting memories of this wonderful, If this happens to us, it can create a panic reaction—a feeling amazing person whose love will never die. By now you’ve of losing our grasp of our loved ones. To combat this, we seek likely heard of the many ways that you can keep your loved ways to hold tight to our loved ones, which—because our one with you still: creating a picture album, writing the memories are now tied to pain—include holding tight to one’s person’s life story, planting a tree, giving to others in your grief. In light of this, the heartfelt comment from bereaved loved one’s name, building something, producing a video, dad Kyle makes perfect sense. Why give up the pain if it making a quilt. As you gradually experience the many levels means further losing your son? of diminishing pain while simultaneously strengthening the memories, you will find that, despite this sad loss, you are However, what we all know about grief is the following getting a little better—which is exactly what your loved one fact: with time, the pain subsides. For many of us, the pain and would want. Don’t you agree? v ensuing grief may never totally disappear. A wise bereaved mom, whose son had died 20 years prior, once said to me, Dr. Bob Baugher is a psychologist and certified death educator “You know, Bob, grief is just a sign of unfinished love.” who teaches at Highline Community College in Des Moines, Washington. He is a 25-year member of the advisory committee of the South King County Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. Bob has given more than 500 workshops, is a trainer for the Washington State Youth Suicide Prevention Program, and is coauthor of several books and articles on grief and loss. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 13

Brianna’s Blankets I wanted to keep ahold of that hope, faith, and unconditional love I had for her. And I never want to forget her. ~By Laurel Taylor Blankets for Brianna was formed. This nonprofit My beautiful baby, Brianna, was born January 13, 2012. organization collects baby blankets to donate to hospitals for their stillborn and NICU babies. The blankets may be I was nervous the whole entire pregnancy. I was never the homemade or purchased. They are usually small, between type of person who thought I would enjoy being a mother. 20 and 30 inches square, and either simple or creative. Each However, I was so grateful for a loving husband who I blanket has a personalized label attached with a picture of knew would be an amazing father to our precious girl. Once Brianna’s footprint and a message: “Blankets for Brianna. she was born, I realized I have never been in love with Made with love for you.” Not all the parents will have such anyone like I was with her. Once I held Brianna in my arms a devastating loss, but we hope that the blankets will provide everything changed; she was my whole life. Being my first them the strength and comfort they need during such a child, she has made me a mother and my husband a father. All difficult time. this being said, she was stillborn. In the few months that we have been collecting them, The day she was born had a joyous start. She was healthy the blankets have already started to stack up in our home during the whole pregnancy and other than the most horrible office, and we have made one delivery to the hospital in heartburn anyone could imagine, never even caused me which Brianna was born. We also contacted the surrounding trouble. I went to the hospital at 3:00 a.m., although I wasn’t hospitals to make deliveries there as well. Community groups sure exactly why. I guess it was just that mother’s instinct to and individuals are even getting involved to make blankets check on my daughter. Once I arrived, they found that her to donate. I see so much potential in this little project. Being heartbeat was fine, and to my surprise, I was told that I was able to honor Brianna, and other children like her, has been having steady contractions. She was double footling breeched a wonderful feeling. I am doing this for my daughter. All and I was three days from my due date, so the doctor the work I put into the organization is the work that I would scheduled me for a C-section. I was horrified. I had been have done for her. Some days that cheers me up, and some adamant through my entire pregnancy in my decision not to days it makes me sad that she is not here, but I try to see the have a C-section. But once I realized I would meet Brianna in positives in everything. a few hours, I started to get excited. I know there is a reason this happened to my husband and My husband called our families and close friends. By the me, and I have hope that when I finally get to see Brianna time I was taken into the operating room, everyone was in the again, she will run up to me and call me Mom. I can’t wait for lobby waiting to meet her. Brianna was born at 9:35 a.m. We that moment. v never heard her cry; we never saw her move. However, she was perfectly formed. She was beautiful, and I was her mother. Laurel Taylor and her husband, Joe, have made a home in Getting to hold her, kiss her, and love her has been a highlight Southern California. She is a dispatcher for the Riverside of my life. Even though my family and friends never met her Sheriff’s Department, and Joe is a fire captain for Cal Fire. while she was alive, we have been strengthened by her. They look forward to having other children when the time is right. They are affiliated with the Inland Empire Chapter of The The hospital gave me all the items she was dressed in, as Compassionate Friends. well as the blanket that had been wrapped around her. In fact, I sleep each night clutching the beanie she wore. These items are Blankets for Brianna can be found at http://blanketsforbrianna.blogspot.com/ precious to me. I wanted to do something to carry on her name. and https://www.facebook.com/BlanketsforBrianna. 14 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

Moving On? of every minute of every hour of every day! Every morning when I wake, I hate the thought of struggling through feeling ~By Betsy Kron the same today as I did yesterday. And on those days when I feel tired and beaten, and can no longer stand on the front line Have you ever had a friend who lost a child? You send and fight yet another day of pain . . . I step back, breathe, and pray that God will pull me through. your condolences, attend the funeral, make a few phone calls to make sure the family is doing all right, and then you go There is no rhyme or reason for our suffering. I don’t back to living your own lives. “Love lives on,” and people pretend to understand this thing called “life.” And some days move on. This is as it should be. But, unfortunately, those I curse the day I was born, if I was meant to live “life” only of us who have lost a child, separated from life as we know to learn its sorrows. But it is what it is, and there’s a driving it, must now begin a life of trials and tribulations. The trials force in all of us to push forward, even when we think there are getting past the “Woulda,” “Coulda,” “Shouldas.” The is no reason to continue. Even through our tears and the worst tribulations are as simple as waking up to the morning and of times, we remember our blessings just as much as we facing yet another day of praying for the strength to move grieve our losses. forward. This in itself is a huge accomplishment! The knowledge is within all of us that life is worth living, Two years ago this September, my son, Brice, shot and even through our grief. I will always cherish the memory of killed himself at the age of 23 over the breakup with a my son with no regrets, for I honestly feel that I would rather girlfriend. He was in a chat room with 23 people watching have given birth to him and shared his life with him, even for him on his cam. Most tried very hard to stop him, but he a short time, than to never have been given the chance to have had already made up his mind as to how he would end his known how wonderful he truly is. Even when love hurts, my pain. I can see him sitting there telling himself, “It will only broken heart is a small price to pay for the joy he brought hurt for a second,” and he would be free from the agony that to me and the memories I will carry with me throughout the tormented him. I often think back to my own disasters with remainder of my life. v relationships wherein I too thought I wanted to end my pain. But, in all honesty, I was “afraid” to hurt myself. I do not see Betsy Rush Kron’s son, Brice, 23, took his life. Betsy has been a my son as a coward for choosing to take his life. I truly believe volunteer in-home health-care provider for hospice and works his pain bore the courage for him to make a decision that he for a personal injury attorney. felt was a solution to his sorrow. It may not be a solution to most “rational” people, but for those of us who are left behind, Ponderings picking up the pieces, we learn to rationalize situations through our tragedies and find insight in having to survive our loss. ~By Irene Rowland Sally Fields said it best in the movie Steel Magnolias when No mother should ever have to cradle her son’s ashes she was told she should rejoice in her daughter’s death because in a box in her arms her daughter was now with her king! Fields’s character’s response, as mine is, “I’m selfish. I would rather have her here No father should ever have to enter his child’s date of with me!” death on a family tree Most of my friends and family have distanced themselves No brother should ever have to carry out from me because they don’t know what they can say to make his brother’s last wishes my journey easier. And if I have to be honest, I would have pushed them away anyway because I know that I am the Or find just the right music or photos for his wake only one, with God’s help, who has a prayer of teaching me We shouldn’t have to deal with such sorrow. to live again and to learn to feel anything for myself. At this We could rise above the circumstances, point, I am not “Stuck on Stupid,” I am stuck on “Finding We could carry our pain with grace Reasons to Move Forward.” Therapy, suicide grief groups, We could look for ways to redeem our loss medications, and more therapy have accomplished little to We could be strong and inspire others nothing for me compared to the heartfelt words from those of The Compassionate Friends. Talking with others who share To live life to the fullest and make each day count my journey, share my tears, and are honest enough to admit We could turn this tragedy around their despair without passing judgment on one’s weaknesses But, we shouldn’t have to. . . . encouraging words of heartfelt wisdom from others who have suffered the one lesson in life none of us want to face. v For me, “going through the motions” is not living life. I In honor of Christopher Michael Rowland, battle the yearning of wanting to hold my son every second who had a huge heart, and is missed and loved by many. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 15

With sincere gratitude and deep appreciation, we acknowledge the generosity of the following individuals and organizations for their gifts to The Compassionate Friends. Your commitment and support are essential to fulfilling our mission. The following patron donations were received between June 1, 2012, and August 31, 2012. Simon Stephens Founder’s Circle ($10,000+) Evercore Partners Evelyn and David Bartel Carol and Dale Dullabaun in memory of Ryan Edward Kabatchnick in memory of David Scott Bartel and Christine Bartel in memory of Dale L. Dullabaun III Helen H. Ford Gail Bartley The presidents Circle ($5000–$9999) in memory of Thomas Stewart in memory of John David Stacy Diane Cassidy-Jaye in memory of Katie Cassidy Teri Hansen Barbara Bates The Thomas P. Lueders Charitable Fund in memory of Anna Paulson in memory of Ricky Bates Jr., Gary Dimartine, and in memory of Thomas P. Lueders Matthew Uhl Gloria and Phil Horsley Circle of Love ($2500–$4999) in memory of Scott Preston Horsley Sandra Bauer-Rodriguez Helen and Keith Brazeau in memory of Palmer and Rhett Jackson, and in memory of Robert Bowen Desiree and Joe Irby Nancy Bauer-Jackson Nancy and Elliott Fisher in memory of William James Irby in memory of Emma Fisher Carolyn and Ron Beaton Heidi Horsley Charlotte J. Irick in memory of Sean Michael Beaton in memory of Scott Horsley in memory of Joey Irick, Jeffrey Irick, and J. P. Morgan Private Bank Margaret Irick Bahr Cindy and Joe Becer in memory of Emma Fisher in memory of Austin Becer G. Tracey Letteau and R. Brent Stallings Tanya and Glen Lord in memory of Vivienne, Celeste, and Lucette, and in memory of Noah Thomas Emory Lord Carol Becker in memory of all the children of the Verdugo Hills in memory of Ricky Becker, Matt Carroll, and Compassionate Friends Jean and Rolland Lorenz Joey Hauswirth in memory of Susan and David Lorenz Circle of Hope ($1000–$2499) Helen and Presley Belcher Kathy and Chuck Collins Julie Mathy in memory of Cally Belcher in memory of Tiffanie Amber Collins and Doris Turner in memory of Kevin and Brian Zivilik Jean and Richard Dew Karla and John Bell in memory of Bradley Morris Dew Carol Miller in memory of David Andrew Bell, Thomas Andrew Bell, and Shawnee Indians in memory of Scott David Miller Melinda Sue Bell Western Albermarle High School in memory of James Sun The Prudential Foundation Nancy and Randall Bell in honor of Laura Davies in memory of Marc Randall Bell Circle of Caring (500–$999) Robert Blanch Linda J. Ramga Andrea and Dennis Benson in memory of Emma Fisher in memory of Doug Ramga in memory of Shane Howard Lewis Barbara and Gene Caligari in memory of Brendan Caligari Shirley Rich Brinegar Barbara Berci CapitalOne in memory of Bert Rich Georgia and Bruce Cockerham Libby and Danny Berry in memory of Zachary Owen Ward Michael Ruggera in memory of Shaun Berry, Luke Hilton, Todd Christmas, and Paige and Steven Czirr in memory of Michael B. Ruggera Jr. Scott Shelton in memory of Abby Czirr John C. Heveran Mary and Ken Seibert Suzanne Berry Patricia and Wayne Loder in memory of Samantha Seibert, Roger Beene, and in memory of Marc Berry and Kate Shropskise in memory of Stephanie and Stephen Loder Shirley Beene Roberta and Phil Probolsky Patricia and Bruce Bertrand in memory of Eric Robert and Evan Probolsky, and Yvonne and Chris Steere in memory of Erica Renee Bertrand and LCPL Bryan Pahl Arlene, Margo, and Robert Hindin in memory of Real Rousseau Bertrand USMC Linda and Stephen Quinn in memory of Samantha Quinn Gregory Stewart Jayne A. Bickham in memory of John Protiva in memory of Shawn David Huq Circle of Support ($200–$499) Marcia and Roger Alig Marlene and Steve Young Pat Billings in memory of Daniel Pritchard C. Alig in memory of Whitney M. Young in memory of Robert Billings and Allan Ramsay Jeffrey Armstrong Marjorie and Harry Baertschi Circle of Friends ($50–$199) Barbara Blakey in memory of David Harry Baertschi Demi and Nick Adam in memory of Antoine Loton Blakey Toni and James Ballard in memory of Maria Adam Storm and Tracey Helfrich in memory of Nicholas David Ballard Dr. Patricia A. Block Joan and Bill Campbell Leslie Alexander in memory of Samarus James in memory of Lesley Michelle Campbell in memory of Lukas Sean Ando and Ross Douglas Evans Janice and James Clark Bette Blondin in memory of Andrew J. Clark Barbara and Tom Allen in memory of Marc David and Christopher James Blondin Colusa Rotary Club Camp Royal Participants in memory of James Lee Stallings Joann and John Czirr Robert Boles in memory of Abby Czirr Sheri Amato in memory of John Robert Boles Leslie Barry Davidson in memory of Eric James Kalber in memory of Patrick Ross Davidson Jr. and Becky Grant Cheryl Boone Sandy Ditewig Carol Amber in memory of Laura Marie Boone in memory of Mark Balster Carole and Peter Dyck Shirley Andre Gena Borson in memory of Christopher Dyck in memory of Spencer Jay Andre in memory of Jake Borson Marge and Steve Anzalone Bonnie Boyd in memory of Jennifer Anzalone in memory of David Irvin Jr. Margaret Aranowski Norma and Carl Braun in memory of Alexandra Margaret Aranowski Holper in memory of Aimee Chii Hung Braun Dorinne Armstrong Joy and Neil Brenckman in memory of Lydia Armstrong in memory of Brian Edward Brenckman Jackie Armstrong Dorothy Brennan in memory of Thomas Matthew Smith in memory of Jenne Guyette John Aromando Marjorie Yslita Brewer in memory of Neil Newhouse in memory of Douglas and Susan Brewer Lauri Atkinson-Esposito Judy and Richard Brock in memory of Kaytie Navarro-Atkinson in memory of Jeffrey and Barry Brock Renee and Earl Bailey Cynthia and Leonard Broderick in memory of Melissa Renee Bailey Wolfram in memory of Jamie Jo Broderick Fernandez Brenda E. Barnes Pat Bronstein in memory of Jon Barnes-Klarner in memory of Kate Alison Bronstein Lisa Brookshier Joanne Baron in memory of Brooklyn Saechao in memory of J. Justin O’Malley (Continued on page 18) Charlene and Stephen Barron in memory of Adam Barron 16 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

FRIENDS, CaRinG anD SHaRinG Board of Directors Election and appointment 35th national Conference/5th international Gathering— Costa Mesa, California At the annual meeting, the Board of Directors Secretary, Nivia Vazquez, Thirteen hundred people turned out for our 35th National Conference held in announced the results of this year’s Costa Mesa, California. Since we were also hosting the 5th International Gathering, board election. Reelected to the this conference saw attendees from Australia, Canada, England, Germany, Guam, board were Georgia Cockerham from Mexico, Puerto Rico, Scotland, South Africa, Switzerland, and the United States. Brookings, Oregon, and Chuck Collins There were outstanding speakers, entertainers, and workshop presenters. A huge from Fairfax, Virginia. Elected was thank-you to the conference committee members who worked with the National Barbara Allen from Ellicott City, Office staff to make the conference a healing experience for all who attended. Maryland. Appointed to the board was Joan Campbell from Waxahachie, Texas. Mark Your Calendars for the 36th national Conference There were 245 ballots received. Our 36th National Conference will be held in Boston, Massachusetts, July 5–7, Recently, Ann Hood resigned 2013, at the Sheraton Boston Hotel. The conference committee is already hard at work on planning for your arrival in this great city. Watch the National Website, from the board for personal reasons. www.compassionatefriends.org, for information as it becomes available on the 36th At a special meeting, the Board of TCF National Conference. Directors appointed Alan Pedersen from Roseville, California. Worldwide Candle Lighting® The Board of Directors and staff This year marks the sixteenth year for the Worldwide Candle Lighting®. As join me in thanking the outgoing always, it will be held on the second Sunday in December, making this year’s date board members John Santoro from December 9, 2012. This event is a time when bereaved families around the globe Morristown, New Jersey, who has join together to honor the memory of all children gone too soon. served for the past six years; and Ann Hood from Providence, Rhode Island, If your chapter or organization is holding a candle lighting service December 9, who has served for the past year. in conjunction with the Worldwide Candle Lighting®, please visit TCF’s website and fill out the online form to provide details of your candle lighting service Military Survivors Study so it can be listed on the national website. Since we receive so much national publicity about the Worldwide Candle Lighting®, many people visit our site to Does your chapter include a military find a local observance. family or families who are grieving the loss of a In addition, please remember that we invite and encourage everyone to loved one? post a memorial message on December 9 to the Remembrance Book located on the The National national website. Please make your chapter members and communities aware of Military Family this invitation. Bereavement Study seeks Spread the Word about TCF’s Worldwide Candle Lighting® participants for a con- Buttons are available from the National Office with our Worldwide Candle gressionally Lighting® logo, available in packages of 100 for $40, 25 for $12, or 10 buttons for directed medical research study to look $5. Wear and share the Worldwide Candle Lighting® button to encourage friends at how families cope with the death of an and neighbors to light a candle at 7:00 p.m. local time on the second Sunday in active duty soldier, identifying the unique December to honor all children who have died . . . that their light may always shine. factors of a military death and how that impacts surviving families. The study Wristbands consists of several phases, including an initial online questionnaire, followed by The Compassionate Friends wristbands, which read, “Forever in My Heart,” multiple family interviews over several framed by two butterflies, remain available from the National Office. The years and a series of focus groups. The wristbands, available in both adult and junior sizes, are priced at $1 each, plus shipping and handling in a minimum quantity of 50, while smaller quantities are Compassionate Friends is proud to priced at $2 each plus shipping and handling. The wristbands can be purchased to support and be a collaborating agency give as a remembrance of your Worldwide Candle Lighting® event or as a chapter with the Center for Traumatic Stress on fund-raiser. They can also be used as a public awareness initiative, since each the National Military Family Bereavement wristband is packaged with a card containing information about TCF. Study. If you or someone you know is new Brochure interested in taking part in this study, e-mail [email protected] to A new brochure is now available from the National Office: “When Your Child Dies from a Substance Related Cause.” This brochure covers the unique grief (Continued on page 19) experienced when a child has died as a result of any type of substance-related cause. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 17

The Compassionate (Continued from page 16) Elke and Bob Crow Friends in memory of Christina Williamson Crow and Karen Brown Cynthia Crow Fyffe Board of Directors in memory of David A. Allbery Sheri Crowe Patrick O’Donnell Cynthia Brown-Coyle in memory of Valerie “Val” Renae Cartillar President in memory of Michael James Brown Camille M. Cunningham Westland, MI Robin Bryant and Marilyn Downey in memory of Patrick Farrell in memory of Amanda Leigh Bryant Georgia Cockerham Leigh and Daryl Cunningham Vice President Kathy and John Buchanan in memory of Julia Erin Cunningham Brookings, OR in memory of Kelly M. Virdell Gary L. Bukamier Cynthia Cutcliff Steve Schmeisser in memory of Casey Lee Bukamier, Blake Wesley Bukamier, in memory of Jonathan Treasurer and Brittany Madore DePere, WI Martha and Joe D’Agostino Nancy and Jerry Burkhardt in memory of Liz Schermerhorn Nivia Vazquez in memory of Derek S. Burkhardt Secretary Dorothy M. Danehy Terri Cagle in memory of Peggy Dineen-Orsini Guaynabo, PR in memory of Trae Wilson Cagle Barbara Daniels Patricia Loder Kathie and Gary Calandra in support of Barbara Allen Executive Director in memory of J. D. (John David) Calandra Char Dankanyin Oak Brook, IL Mary Ann and Eugene Cameron in memory of Todd Revells and Dave Dankanyin in memory of Justin Michael Cameron Barbara Allen Jean and Margaret Darlington Ellicott City, MD Deborah and Charles Camp in memory of Jerold and Silecia Darlington in memory of Joe Camp Joan Campbell Cynthia and Bob Daugherty Waxahachie, TX Gina Caputo in memory of Abby Czirr in memory of Nicholas Daniel Caputo Chuck Collins Edith L. Davis Fairfax, VA Jim Carey and David Dolecki in memory of Janet Elaine Davis in memory of Angela Wesco Steven Czirr Lee Ann Davis Spring Hill, TN Tara and Heath Carey in memory of Nicole Marie Davis in memory of Violet Anna Carey and Iris Mary Carey Dale L. Dullabaun Jr. Ruth Davis Northridge, CA Dawn and Jim Carlton in memory of Shannon Agnason in memory of Barbara Lynn Carlton Heidi Horsley Virginia G. Davis New York, NY Wilton C. Carter in memory of Deborah Dean Davis in memory of Jason Carter Glen Lord Angela Dazzo Nashua, NH Suzanne and Henry Cassel in memory of Stephanie Dazzo Paterek in memory of Greg Cassel and Alex Baranowski Tracy Milne, Sibling Rep. Denise and Shawn Dean Bonita Springs, FL Sandy Catron in memory of Sean Daniel Connelly in memory of Butch and Dustin Catron Alan Pedersen Catherine DeAngelis Roseville, CA Sandra, Lionel, and Stephanie Chaiken in memory of Tom and Gabe in memory of Pamela Sue Chaiken Correspondence for the Muriel deBussy Board of Directors should be sent Rita and Mike Chisum in memory of Scott Hubert and Andy deBussy in honor of the author Dean Koontz, and in appreciation of to the board president at his writing of Sole Survivor (1997) John Anthony Deets [email protected] or in memory of John Anthony Deets mailed to 37758 Marquette, Dean Christman in memory of Nathan Christman Theresa and Victor Del Regno Westland, MI 48185. in memory of Andrew C. Del Regno Patricia A. Cinquegrana v in memory of John David Bartholomew Cinquegrana Margie and Steven DePalma in memory of Steven DePalma Jr. Mary Ciserella in memory of James R. Ciserella Lynn and Charles Derrick in memory of Michael Derrick Rebecca L. Clark in memory of Justin Clark and Amanda Kwick Suzan Desanto in memory of Amy Bartolotta Lynn and Jerry Clayton in memory of Justin Lee Clayton Sherri DeYoung in memory of Joseph DeYoung Debbie Close in memory of Carrie Anne Lindsey Diane Dieguez Schultz and Joe Dieguez in memory of Julie Dieguez Jane and John Clough in memory of Matthew John Clough Mary and Wayne Dietrich in memory of Ashley Elizabeth Dietrich Barbara R. Cody in memory of Daniel W. Cody Deryl Ann Dobson in memory of Sean LeGate Dobson Connie Coker in memory of Donnie Coker Jr. Sharon and Jeff Doliner in memory of Jeremy Yorke Doliner Sharon and Butch Colbert in memory of Lionel Colbert, Anna Colbert, and Jory Chavez Theresa Douglas in memory of Bruce Franklin and Justin Daniel Douglas Roxann and Rick Coleman in memory of Shawn Hampton, Bob Coleman, and F. Rodney Drake, M.D. Rusty Coleman in memory of James F. Drake Sandy and Steve Collier Vicki and Gary Druchniak in memory of Andy Collier in memory of Jeffrey Druchniak Eileen and Raymond Collins Brian L. Dubay in memory of Gavin Collins in memory of Seth Brian Dubay Marion and Bill Collins Susie Duncan in memory of Doug Clancy, Lyn Clancy, and in memory of Randi Marie Black Kathleen Collins Mary H. Dunn Helen Comparoni in memory of Brian Conway Dunn and in memory of John Andrew Comparoni Andrew Ferguson Dunn Susan Conley Michael E. Dunning in memory of Brian William Conley in memory of Laura Samuel Carol and Dennis Coolbaugh Linda M. Durst in memory of Debra Lynn Durst Patty and Mike Cotton in memory of Heather Marie Cotton Robbi and Frank Edwards in memory of Alec Michael Williams (Continued on page 20) 18 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

(Friends, Caring, and Sharing, continued from page 17) ASK Dr. Gloria ask for more information or visit the Dr. Gloria Horsley, MFC, CNS, PhD, is the website, www.militarysurvivorstudy.org. founder and president of the Open to Hope Field researchers do have the permission Foundation, an internationally known grief of the National Office to use our expert, a psychotherapist, and bereaved parent. chapter locator to contact local chapters seeking participants. Gloria cohosts the Internet radio show Open to Hope, at www.opentohope.com, Upcoming Webinars and has authored a number of books The TCF National Organization and articles. She will be answering your holds monthly webinars on grief-related topics. In addition, we also have a questions related to loss, grief, library of TCF webinars for viewing. and recovery for the bereaved adult. These webinars make great discussion topics for chapter meetings. Upcoming Please send your question to: webinars include: Dr. Gloria Horsley October 23, 2012: c/o Catherine Patillo, WNNWA, A Father’s Grief P. O. Box 526194 Presenter: Dennis Apple Salt Lake City, Utah 84152-6194 November 7, 2012: E-mail: [email protected] Handling the Holidays Presenter: Darcie Sims Question: Bumper Stickers I am looking for some advice. It has been ten years since my son, Ray, was killed in an automobile accident. At the time my daughter, April, was 14 years TCF now has a bumper sticker old. I will say that my husband and I were not the best parents, as for a year or available, which measures 3 ¾\" by 11 ½\" two we were in deep grief. I fear that we were not as available to our teenage and reads I Support The Compassionate daughter as we should have been. She is now 24 and has gotten in with a rather Friends/Supporting Family After a Child negative crowd. I somehow feel that if Ray had not been killed and we had been Dies. They sell for $1 each. “better” parents, April would be on a different track. Is there anything I can do to make things different? Remembrance Ornaments Answer: At the national conference in Costa Mesa, beautiful handblown glass None of us are, or have ever been, perfect parents, especially after suffering a remembrance ornaments were available. profound loss. You need to cut yourself some slack. April is now an adult, but you The sale of these beautiful ornaments do have some legitimate concerns. The fact is that your desire to help her lets will continue through the National me know that you are a caring parent, and that you did the best you could at the Office. The ornaments are offered in two time of Ray’s death. I would look to yourself and ask if you have any unresolved sizes, 2\" and 6\" diameter, and there is a issues regarding your son’s death. If the answer is no, I would suggest that you color available to represent each month. let April know of your concerns that you recognize after Ray’s death you were The 2\" ornament sells for $25 each, and not the best parents. Tell her that you love her, and while her brother died, she is the 6\" ornament sells for $32 each. v living and is your special girl, and you want the best for her. v TCF’s We Need Not Walk Alone Is Now Online Courtesy of The Compassionate Friends, you, your family, and friends can now read the We Need Not Walk Alone magazine online without charge. To sign up for free access to this and future issues online, go to www.compassionatefriends.org and click on “National Magazine Sign-Up” at the top of the page. v WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 19

(Continued from page 18) Chrispina Abrio Giliberti Linda, Ivan, and Joshua Hinds in memory of James Patrick Giliberti in memory of Steven Michael Halverson Wayne Edwards in memory of Cheryl Edwards Stine and Marilyn Edwards Paula Gilligan Pauletta Hodges in memory of Ryan J. Gilligan in memory of Kimberly Logsdon Waters Carol and Jimmy Egoian in memory of J. “Blake” C. Egoian Barbara and Howard Goldsmith Erik P. Hoffmann and Nadezhda Kavrus-Hoffmann in memory of Adam Goldsmith and Sara Hernandez in memory of Anders Hoffmann Janet Elmore in memory of Renee Elmore Dorene and Emil Goryeb Paula and Mike Holder in memory of Gregg T. Goryeb in memory of Drew Holder Candee and John Emmons in memory of Danny Emmons Charlotte and Gerald Green Lynda Holman in memory of Glenn Menn and Matthew Green in memory of Richard Holman Timothy Ertz in memory of Nathan Ertz and Mitchell Ertz Gail and Leonard Greenbaum Ann Hood in memory of Adam Greenbaum and Neill Perri in memory of Grace Adrain Diane and Tony Famiano in memory of Wendy Leigh Famiano Sharon Griener Inez Horwitz in memory of Matthew J. Horwitz Kathleen Fargey Mary Griffith in memory of Elizabeth Ann Fargey in memory of Benjamin W. Griffith Coralee Howard in memory of Clinton Michael Jones Maryellen Fargey Cindy Grinstead-Glick in memory of Clayton Glick Christine and Jay Huberty Amy Faust in memory of Jason Alsup in memory of Tyler P. Faust Pam Grove in memory of Helen Michelle Grove Pat and Larry Hufford Jody Feczko in memory of Yancy Derek Hufford in memory of Benjamin Conrad Grant Bonnie Halenda in memory of Ryan Edward Halenda Kelly Hughston Janice Ferguson in memory of Nadia Hughston in memory of Tracy Ferguson Giugler Cleo and Tom Hall in memory of Morgan Hall Alice B. Hupfel Janet Fields in memory of Gretchen Hupfel in memory of Zach Fields Ursula and Ron Hall in memory of Lisa Hall and Onie Goebel Jane Hurlock Jane and Terence Fitzpatrick in memory of Elizabeth Hurlock and Buddy Hurlock in memory of Michael Ryan Fitzpatrick Diana and Bobby Hamer in memory of Bobby E. Hamer III Barbara Husk Penny and Manny Flecker in memory of Mark Edward Husk and Charles Pape and in memory of 1LT Norman T. S. Flecker and Carol Sue Hansen David Faber Samantha Auerbach in memory of Kerry Kim Hynds Deb Imlay Gretchen and Dennis Flynn Nancy and Wayne Harber in memory of Seth Michael Imlay in memory of Brendan C. Flynn in memory of Caroline Elizabeth Harber Evadnie and Robert Irving Elise Folk Sarah and Robin Hardy in memory of Robert C. Irving Jr. in memory of Ilana Folk in memory of Patricia Hardy Janet Ivinson Lyn and John Forester Mable Harley in memory of Tom Ivinson Jr. in memory of Jennifer L. Forester in memory of Walter L. Harley Jr. Elizabeth and David James Nancy Fortier Sally Harper in memory of Ryan Lee Boor in memory of Jeff Fortier in memory of Alvin W. Stevens III and Wiley Dennis Wood III Mary Javarey Lynne and Roger Foster Doris and Robert Hartman in memory of Nicholas Hendee, Larry Bradley, in memory of Jason Foster in memory of Melissa Ann (Hartman) Cino Michael Varone, and Melissa Rouke Liu Averil Esther Fraser Colleen and Jim Hassert Suzanne and Kerwin Jeffery in memory of Errol L. C. Fraser Jr. in memory of Ashley Hassert in memory of Benjamin K. Jeffery Betsy and Bob Friedl Greg Henderson Robin Jens in memory of Drew Lawrence in memory of Jim Rowland, Robyn Nicole, Gregory Adam, in memory of Ty Jens and Kevin Sean Henderson Theresa and Robert Fromknecht BJ and Doug Jensen in memory of Julie Fromknecht JoAnn and Larry Henke in memory of Jay Morgan in memory of Jenna Lee Henke Lisa Frost Barbara and Mickey Johnson in memory of Nate Freeborn Delores Hensley in memory of Sandy Johnson in memory of Nichole Lee Hensley (Boogie) Peggy and William Fry Bob Johnson in memory of Christopher Read Fry Janice and Harry Hess and Family in memory of Riley Johnson in memory of Jessica Lynn Hess and Amy Gwynn Hess Pat and Jerry Galinski Michele and Steve Johnson in memory of Korin Christa Galinski Sharon and Robert Higgins in memory of Lindsay Marie Johnson June and Bob Gallagher Connie and Mark Hill in memory of Thomas Brendan Gallagher in memory of Chad Hill Patty and Mark Johnson and Family in memory of Matthew W. Johnson Elizabeth Garvey Barbara and Ben Hinds in memory of Richard James “Richie” Garvey in memory of Mark Whitehill Ruthie Johnson in memory of Ray Johnson Jr. We Need Not Walk Alone Sandy Johnson Now Accepting Advertising in memory of Mark James Johnson We Need Not Walk Alone is now Mary Rose and Cecil Jones in memory of Andrew “Andy” Stephen Jones Jr. accepting paid advertising for grief-related information and products. Megan Jones in memory of John William Jones V Ads are available in 1/4-page, 1/2-page, and full-page sizes, and are accepted in Meri Lee and Dale Jones high-resolution PDF format only. For in memory of Eric and Greg Jones additional information, including pricing, please call 877-969-0010, ext. 308, or write Joanne, Gray, and David Joyner to [email protected]. v in memory of Christopher Lee Meridith Sue and Tim Kalcevic in memory of Matt Bybee Janet and David Keller in memory of Joseph Edward Keller, Emily Lou Miller, and Thomas Andrew Keller James Kelley in memory of Casey Kelley Lisa Kelley in memory of Jeremy Michael Kelley Kathy and Keith Kelly in memory of Kevin Robert Kelly Helene Kendall in memory of Stephen Michael Kendall (Continued on page 24) 20 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

BOOK REviEW • BOOK REviEW • BOOK REviEW ~By Dr. Alan Wolfelt Moving on to the middle of this friendly book, we find these suggestions: ~Reviewed by Joy Johnson 51. Be mindful of anniversaries. Alan’s Healing series includes some of his best work on 52. Take good care of yourself. 53. Keep a journal. healing the grieving hearts of parents, children, teens, and 54. Acknowledge all the losses the death has friends. All of the books are easy to read, can be opened at any page for quick inspiration or help, and contain quiet wrought. gems of wisdom, such as the following, for coping with 55. Organize a tree planting. grief: Notice the progression. We move from recognizing our 1. Know that you will survive. grief to beginning to do something about it. While, as we 2. Know that you are not alone. know, grief never entirely goes away, there are ways we can 3. Allow your numbness. honor it and start to live again. Following the steps in Alan’s 4. Understand the difference between grief book, we see ourselves move forward. Later in the book, the list includes: and mourning. 5. Be compassionate with yourself. 95. Identify three people you can turn to anytime you need a friend. As you can see from number 4 above, this book contains good information as well as outstanding support. Grief is 98. Get a new haircut, highlights or color. the collection of thoughts and feelings experienced when 97. Reassess your priorities. a child dies. Mourning is the expression of the grief, and 98. Make a list of goals. Alan tells us early on that in order to heal, it is important to 99. Recognize the concept of “reconciliation.” mourn. As you read, you’ll find many suggestions and ideas 100. Embrace the ways you are growing through to help you mourn. Alan may have a PhD, but his ideas are simple and real. When we’re grieving, we’re not likely to be your grief. comfortable digging into a dissertation. We prefer it simple. We can see the progression really well now. Alan takes us gently step-by-step into healing. We don’t have to hurry. We can read number 12 or number 45, or even number 1 again and again until we’re ready to embrace that idea. We’re not pushed. We’re not hurried. We’re led and encouraged. I like the Healing series. I like this book. If I could change one thing about it, I would make the print darker or larger. That’s because I’m a great-grandmother now, and I’ve learned that old eyes need help and healing, too. But no matter how light or dark the print, you’ll like this book. It may be carried daily to read anytime, or placed on your bedside table for those sleepless nights. Wherever it ends up, it will definitely have a place in your heart and hopefully in every TCF chapter library.v Dr. Alan Wolfelt is Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and a respected author and grief educator. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about helping yourself and others in grief and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books. Joy Johnson is cofounder of Centering Corporation. This book can be ordered through their website at www.centering.org, or by calling 866-218-0101. Free shipping is offered to TCF chapters and members. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 21

2011 Worldwide Candle Lighting of the Livonia Chapter, Plymouth, Michigan Q: What allied groups have held services open to the public? A: Standing alongside The Compassionate Friends have been Frequently Asked Questions About chapters of many organizations including MISS, MADD, The Compassionate Friends Parents of Murdered Children, SIDS Network, Gilda’s Worldwide Candle Lighting® Club, Twinless Twins, and Bereaved Parents of the USA. Q: How widespread is the event? ~By Wayne Loder, A: Services open to the public are held in every state as Public Awareness Coordinator well as Washington, DC, Puerto Rico, and Guam. While numbers vary and the true size will never be known, as Q: What is The Compassionate Friends Worldwide many as 20 or more countries outside the United States Candle Lighting®? host services. In 2011, TCF received and posted on its U.S. website information on 500 services held within the A: It is a day of unity, sponsored by The Compassionate U.S. and 50 services held in 19 other countries. There Friends, when all who are bereaved, as well as friends, are unquestionably hundreds of additional services held family, and the general public, can join together to light around the world. candles and remember all children gone too soon. Q: How can I find a service in my area? A: Go to www.compassionatefriends.org and under the Q: When is it held? heading “News & Events,” click on “Worldwide Candle A: The second Sunday in December. Lighting®.” You will find a link to all 2012 Worldwide Q: What time does it start? Candle Lighting® Services submitted. You may also wish A: Officially it is held for one hour local time, starting at 7:00 to check your local newspaper. Q: What if I can’t or don’t want to attend a service open to p.m. in New Zealand and working its way west through the public? all 24 time zones. However, services are held throughout A: We encourage you to light a candle for an hour at 7:00 the day, whenever convenient. p.m. local time wherever you may be with friends and Q: Do I have to belong to The Compassionate Friends to family, or in quiet solitude, knowing you are joining in participate? spirit with tens of thousands of bereaved families around A: Definitely not. Services open to the public are held around the world. the world. While there are hundreds of services held Q: What else is going on during the day? by The Compassionate Friends, the Worldwide Candle A: The Compassionate Friends has a Remembrance Book Lighting® is open to all organizations and groups for the open from late Friday evening to early Sunday morning purpose of holding services in an atmosphere of unity on its national website at www.compassionatefriends.org with other bereaved families. and encourages memorial posts. As many as 5,000 Q: What types of groups plan services that are open to remembrance messages from around the world, some the public? in foreign languages, have been posted during the one- A: Allied organizations, organized community groups, day event. Many services open to the public include funeral homes, churches and houses of worship, hospitals, everything from butterfly releases to slide shows of memorial gardens, schools, and cemeteries are all children never forgotten, to full dinners. examples of groups that might host candle lightings open Q: How do I notify The Compassionate Friends that I’m to the public. planning a Worldwide Candle Lighting® service open to the public? A: A few months prior to the event, a submission form will be activated on TCF/ USA’s national website, and you may submit your information there (see Worldwide Candle Lighting® page). Q: How did The Worldwide Candle Lighting® start? (Continued on next page) 22 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

(The Worldwide Candle Lighting®, continued from previous page) Q: How can I learn more? A: Go to www.compassionatefriends.org and click on A: A small group of Internet visionaries held an online service in the United States in 1997, and The “Worldwide Candle Lighting®” in the dropdown menu Compassionate Friends has grown the event from there. under “News and Events.” You can also call TCF’s National Office at 877-969-0010. Information will be Q: Is there an official Worldwide Candle Lighting® poster for posted on TCF’s national Facebook Page at publicity purposes? www.facebook.com/TCFUSA as well. A: Yes, it can be found in a number of date-specific and We do this “that their light may always shine!” v generic color and black-and-white versions. Go to TCF’s Worldwide Candle Lighting® page on the national website for details. Q: I want to hold a service. Do you have information to guide me? A: Yes. You may download the PDF flyer “Suggestions to Help Plan a Memorial Service in Conjunction with The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting®,” which has a link located on TCF’s WCL® website page. Q: How much publicity has been generated about The Worldwide Candle Lighting®? A: In the United States, it has been featured over the years in Dear Abby, Annie’s Mailbox, the Ann Landers column, Parade magazine, Guideposts magazine, hundreds of newspapers, television news programs and radio stations, as well as an untold number of websites and personal blogs. We provide links to known newspaper stories and television news reports. Viso: Please drop in Jane Quint’s emotionally wrenching and searingly honest Bonnie Rieger 1/4 journey through grief after the accidental death of her son – page ad here. a death she foresaw in a dream. After years of struggling to understand the devastating loss, she found healing through writing her story. In a sense, this book gives permission to others to be wiVth tihseoir:grPielfefoar saselodngraospit tiankes and in any way necessary.QTuhisinmtes1sa/4ge,page ad and the bitterswheeetreen.diDngeolfete page looking towardnthuemfutburee,rwiilfl necessary give solace in toa atimcecoomf modate. aadeepest despair. Available online at Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 23

She Is Near Josy LaSala Susan and Jeff McGranahan in memory of Michael Stingone in memory of Ian Alexander McGranahan I will see her beauty in a garden; Irene J. McNeese-Lucas Read her face upon a sunset; Joan and Jim Lawrence in memory of Lisa S. and Darrell S.Hackney, Scott D. and Hear her voice in the laughter in memory of Susan Lawrence Stephen J. Sandy, David Porter, and Robbie Vincent of children; Mary Jo McNeil Feel her touch in a newborn Deb Lawver in memory of Michael Joseph McNeil baby’s breath, in memory of Ralph F. Patterson Marcia and Frankie McQueen warm against my skin. in memory of Trina Marie McQueen Beverly Leck and Dave Gilmore Jeri Medak I will hear her song in the gentle in memory of Tommy Leck in memory of Grant Hampton and Wendy Goydos waters of a bubbling stream; Annette Mennen-Baldwin Sense her spirit every time Jim Lee in memory of Todd Michael Mennen my heart soars; in memory of Robby Clark Microsoft Giving Campaign Becky and Tom Mikowski Know her presence in my prayers Legacy.com Inc. in memory of Peyton Alese Mikowski and Stephen J. May And follow her footsteps, set in angel dust, Peter J. Lekas Donna and Steve Miley in memory of Patrice Carolyn Lekas in memory of Stephen Miley and Ashley Bruner when it is time for us to meet again. Marion Leonard Camilla Miller ~By Lu Ann Michaelree in memory of Damon Asa Leonard in memory of Timothy Turner and Marlin Polen In memory of Dorothy Oleta Houk Dolores Leszczak Marilyn Miller (Continued from page 20) in memory of Debie Marosi, Lohn Leszczak Jr., and in memory of Scott A. Miller and Jeffery L. Miller Dan Kenevan Jacob Marosi in memory of Brian T. Kenevan Francine Levy Bobbi and Dennis Milne Thomas P. Kennedy in memory of Arlene Godfry in memory of Andrew G. Milne in memory of Dan Kennedy and Tim Kennedy Laura Levy Kentwood Volunteer Fire Department in memory of Eli Levy Utterback Tracy Milne in memory of Minnie Victoria Wickham Skip Lind in memory of Andrew G. Milne Jo Anna Kerrigan in memory of Erik Lind in memory of Timothy Michael Kerrigan and Carla Linn Jerry Minkin Michael Anthony Kerrigan in memory of Laura Genender in memory of Jason Minkin Dianna and Hossein Keshari Delia and Peter Linstrom in memory of Michelle Keshari Kubischke in memory of Maria Cristina Linstrom Mr. and Mrs. Richard Mitchell Virginia Kessinger Tamara and Terry Liptow in memory of William Alexander Lewis Mitchell in memory of Clint Kessinger, Christian Cleveland, and in memory of Brenda Lee Liptow Jenny Atnip Pamela Logan Angela and Mark Molleck Donna Kessler Carol A. Logel in memory of Timothy “Kelly” Neeham in memory of Keith R. Kessler in memory of John Joseph Logel III Toni Kiesling Margery and Anthony Longo Judy and Otis Moore in memory of David Allen Kimsey in memory of Chris Marie Longo in memory of Karen Moore Hayden Cindy Killingsworth Craig L. Lopes in memory of Blake Lusk in memory of Megan Alyissa Lopes Jane and Dean Moren Ann Kimtantas Jose Lopez in memory of Joel Albert Moren in memory of John Charles Kimtantas in memory of Kathy Lopez Teri Knowlton Juliacarol D. Love Ceci Morgan Helen Kope in memory of Stephen Donald Love in memory of Rita Morgan, Yakkov Shalomi, Chris Baker, in memory of Wally Kope Julie Dicks, and Robbie Cash Linda and Mike Kosovec Kristi Lovett Maria Morgan in memory of Lauren Kosovec in memory of Mandy Lovett in memory of Jessica Ashley Parker and Alexander Scott Debbie A. Kozsdiy McLellan in memory of Aileen Kozsdiy Gisela Lujan Susan Morgan Rita and Toly Kozushin in memory of Mariana Lujan in memory of Jennifer Beach Culver in memory of Sarah Kozushin Melinda Morrow Audrey Labiche Beverly and Barry Lustig in support of Tracy Milne in memory of Mark Anthony Labiche in memory of Christopher Seehuetter Jeanne and Tom Morse Sheila and Rich Lake in memory of Jennifer M. Jacobi in memory of James Evert Larson Kathleen M. Lutes The Mosby Family Carol and Larry Lamothe in memory of Kelsey Ann Lutes in memory of Chris Mosby in memory of Mark S. Lamothe and James J. McKinnon Elaine and Fred Moss Victoria and Michael Lane Roberta Lynch in honor of the marriage of Lynn Shaner and David Nelson in memory of Brett Lane in memory of Richard J. Lynch Jr. Judith and Glenn Lange Pat Muehl in memory of Daniel W. Lange MacLean-Fogg Company in memory of Katherine Muehl Linda and Rich Langway in memory of Jeffrey Langway Roseann Madole Sheila Muir Bernice and Vito Lanza in memory of Oscar Arias in memory of Alisa Muir in memory of Stephen Lanza Vanessa Maidens Herb Larnerd in memory of Anthony Trevor Michael Maidens Nancy Mullen Vallencourt in memory of Benjamin Larnerd Stephen Malley in memory of Kelly Mullen and Matthew Mullen in memory of Kevin William Malley 24 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE Dr. and Mrs. Bhupinder Mangat Thelma Mullens in memory of Anoop S. Mangat in memory of Judy Mullens Wyatt Connie Marchant in memory of Justin Dale Marchant, Joseph Ryan Strom, and Ana and Almedorino Muslera Dalton Wayne Wood Veronica and George Marosi Leyla Nickerson in memory of Kristine Marosi Jane Martin Joyce Nordan in memory of Hudson Bennett Fleishman in memory of Jim Nordan Mary R. Martin in memory of John Edward Leao II Linda and Paul Nowaczek Marian and Don Mason in memory of Erin Ann Nowaczek in memory of Maddie Dillard Sheila and Richard Masterson Janet and Pat O’Donnell in memory of Richard in memory of Brian Patrick O’Donnell Mary Anne and Joe Mattero in memory of Peter Martin Mattero Kathleen O’Hara Mary May in memory of Elizabeth Ibanez in memory of Justin James May Kathleen McDaniel Beth Oliver in memory of Terry Harris and Wayne Harris in memory of Jerry Oliver and Doreen Oliver Lowe Judy McDonald Joseph O’Nan in memory of Darren Kyle McDonald in memory of W. L. Bill O’Nan and Edith O’Nan Elkins Helen K. McGowan Harlene Oren in memory of Terry McGowan and Dennis McGowan in memory of Larry Ross Oren Sharon and George Orff in memory of Rachael Renee Chan Judy and Bill Orr in memory of Lawrence William (Trey) Orr III (Continued on page 26)

The FranCis slow-Cooker much about life no longer made sense—our consumption, waste, obsessions with entertainment and celebrities. When his Fort or, Drum roommate, Sgt. Isaac Jackson, was killed in Afghanistan, How the Wars Francis attended the funeral in Plattsburg, Missouri, just a Came to Our House few hours from home. The thought sometimes haunts me that both men who shared that room are dead. Jackson died in (adapted from a work in progress) Afghanistan, but I consider Francis a war casualty, too. ~By Bob Sommer He survived physically, more or less. A host of medical issues plagued him—hearing loss, cognitive problems, My son Francis survived his tours with the Tenth chronic pain in his hip. But the real damage wasn’t physical. He was one of the so-called “invisible walking wounded.” Mountain Division in Iraq and Afghanistan. He survived The man (or woman) in the gray flannel suit dresses Afghanistan’s notorious Korengal Valley. If you’ve read differently from the World War II veteran Gregory Peck Sebastian Junger’s book War or seen the documentary played in the film by that name more than fifty years ago, Restrepo, you’re familiar with the “Valley of Death.” Francis’s but the consequences of war haven’t changed. Francis once company established the bases depicted in those narratives. told Heather and I that if he couldn’t live with us at home, he’d be dead within six months. The Afghanistan tour followed Iraq, which had been difficult. But he knew this would be worse. He wept the About six months later we did lose him. night before he left for Fort Drum, soon to deploy from there to Afghanistan. He didn’t want to die, he told my wife, While he was in the service, we lived in fear of answering Heather, and me. Anyone who’s seen his decorations would the doorbell to find a soldier in a Class A uniform with an have trouble believing he could weep from fear, but he did. envelope standing on our porch. We thought we’d made Looking back, we realize how privileged we were that he’d it. Three years out of the Army and near completion of his share such a moment. degree in culinary arts, and he was finding his way. Maybe we were all safe now. In his book Junger recounts a similar moment before accompanying a squad on a risky mission: But the doorbell did ring, insistently. There was pounding on it, too, to awaken us. It was 3:30 on a cold February “‘It’s okay to be scared,’ Moreno said to [Junger], loud morning. Fortunately, Heather slept through the noise. Two enough for everyone else to hear, ‘you just don’t want to police officers stood back from the door at a nonthreatening show it . . .’” distance, confirmed my identity, and then came inside. One officer fumbled with the message they’d come to deliver. The Francis had good reason to worry. The Korengal was a other, a sergeant, interrupted him and said plainly to me—and bad place to bring this war. Without doubt a futile place, too. I will never forget that moment or these words—“Sir, there’s NATO forces finally abandoned the Korengal in the spring no easy way to say this. Your son has passed away.” of 2010. Nothing gained, a lot lost—by American and NATO forces, and by the people who live in that valley. He’d died thirty minutes earlier at the hospital from injuries sustained when his car struck a utility pole. He was His initiation into the Korengal came in 2006, when a alone, and we later came to realize, in the bizarre logic of the Chinook helicopter crashed on a mountaintop, killing ten universe we now entered, that this was something for which American soldiers. He carried a friend’s lifeless body away to be grateful. No one else was hurt or dead, only him. He from the wreckage. A U.S. military spokesman said the was listening to “Here Comes the Sun” when he passed out crash was an accident, but Francis told me the chopper was and the car veered off the road. under attack. To share the fact that he’d been drinking is to open a topic Later, his company built a school, which Taliban fighters I can’t explore in this space. A couple of keystrokes on his then bombed, with children inside. He was on the scene for phone would have saved him—saved all of us. I’d always the horrific aftermath of that incident, too. The catalog of said I would go anywhere at any time, no questions asked, to these episodes continues for fifteen months, right through bring him or my other children safely home. his departure from Afghanistan. As the company awaited a plane to take them out of Bagram Air Base, they were called The alcohol issue opens a door into a world that is other to stand honor guard for the first flag-draped casualties from than it seems. Our home has been dry for twenty years. their replacements in the Korengal. Oddly, that was one reason he felt safe here. Yet he couldn’t sleep through the nightmares, and you only get those when Though he rarely spoke of it, the war stayed with him after you do sleep, which he often could not. Alcohol is medicine he left the service. He seemed at times to be navigating his for some. At home, Francis drank quietly, and alone, and way through an alien world here in a Kansas City suburb. So against house rules. But he never behaved as we imagine alcoholics do, nor as we stereotype veterans with PTSD. He never raised his voice with us or argued. He was simply filled (Continued on page 26) WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 25

(The Francis Slow-Cooker, continued from page 25) happened. Several weeks after the funeral, the head of the with sorrow and regret and guilt. All I can share for now is Voluntary Services Unit called to tell me that thousands had that nothing about him fit the images typically associated with poured in—from friends, family, soldiers, even strangers. She PTSD and alcoholism. became choked up on the phone. So did I, but that happens often to me these days. The fact that he had a home mattered; that Heather and I were there for every important phase in his military life, from As the year passed, the fund continued to grow. It is now his first weekend pass in Basic Training to his homecomings the largest memorial fund ever established at the Kansas City from Iraq and Afghanistan. He realized early on that this VA, benefitting hundreds of needy veterans. We’ve received was not always the case for many soldiers. He began to many dozens of letters from them and from donors. appreciate his home and family in ways he hadn’t when he was younger—or at least, he hadn’t expressed it so. His home Without doubt, this fund and the work it does have helped was comfortable and loving. He mattered here. He’d never in soften our pain, giving us a tangible sense that Francis’s life his life had to worry about his next meal or where he’d sleep and spirit have touched many other lives for the better. As or whether there’d be running water and electricity. my daughter so aptly put it, at any given moment someone is using an item they’ve received through the Memorial Fund. Both in the service and later, he often talked about One veteran wrote to say he’d named his new crockpot “The the unfortunate lives of so many soldiers he encountered Francis Slow-Cooker.” who didn’t have a safety net—no one to greet them at homecomings, no one to write when they were deployed, It is our sense that Francis lives on through us. Thus nowhere to go when they were out of the service. he encourages us to live our lives better so we won’t let him down. v He was being treated at the Kansas City VA Medical Center, where he also volunteered. He distributed clothing to homeless Bob Sommer is the author of Where the Wind Blew (a novel). veterans. He’d become an exceptional chef and treated vets to His new novel, A Great Fullness, is forthcoming from Aqueous his recipe for chili. When he passed away, we contacted the VA Books. He is currently writing a memoir about his family’s to set up a fund for homeless veterans in his name. experience during the past decade of war. To learn more about the Francis D. Sommer Memorial Fund for Homeless Veterans, We thought a few hundred dollars might land there in please visit http://www.francisfund.org. lieu of money spent on flowers. But something unexpected (Continued from page 24) Clare and Frank Pokorny Sherrill Rigney in memory of Kathryn Elizabeth Pokorny (Kate) in memory of Michelle Lynn Rigney Sylvia Ossorio Connie and Tim Robbins in memory of Trinka Micol Baggetta Sally and Jack Police in memory of Jerry Timothy Robbins II in memory of Michael Brent Police Maureen Robertson Robin and Pete Padavana in memory of Brian Pinter in memory of Peter J. Padavana Carol Ponticelli Sandra and Fred Robertson in memory of Kathy (Ponticelli) Putnam and in memory of Mary Ellene Robertson and Mark E. Rumble Cynthia Padgett Maureen Ponticelli Jane Ewers Robinson in memory of Jennifer Elise Alexander in memory of Richard Douglas Robinson Alan Portela and Judy Peters Beatriz Rodriguez Thomas Parnell in memory of Brian O’Donnell in memory of Carlos Emilio “Chiquito” Rodriguez in memory of Mark S. Parnell Marina Rodriguez Ellen F. M. Posner in memory of Daniel Cole Cindy and Dan Patnode in memory of Lauren Eileen Green Leslie Rolison in memory of Adam Patnode in memory of Delaney Leigh Rolison Karen Protiva Norma and William Rollinger Janet and Art Patterson in memory of John A. Protiva in memory of Celeste Ann Kinney in memory of Jennifer M. Carpenter Shirley Rollins Charlotte W. Quaintance in memory of Jason Patterson Nina T. Paxton in memory of Ross Quaintance Toby and Herbert Rosenberg and Family in memory of Tom Paxton in memory of Dina Faith Rosenberg Judith Quist Dawn Rossmark Barbara Peavey in memory of Chirstopher J. Shively in memory of Gene Rossmark Jr. in memory of Jessica Peavey Lemek Jennifer Roulette Carol and Mike Ray in memory of Holly Roulette Debbie Pemberton in memory of Joshua Michael Ray George Rueckemann in memory of Eric Pemberton in memory of Matthew Robert Rueckemann Barbara Perrin Carol Raymond Joan and Herman Ruff in memory of Eric Perrin in memory of Geoffrey Michael Rau in memory of Jarod Moral Ruff Bill Peters Lucretia Ruff in memory of Scott Peters Linda and Stephen Reed in memory of Keri Young in memory of Stephen Ryan Reed and Jeremy Leon Smith Christine Russo Kim Stefani Peters in memory of William Billy Pyra in memory of James N. Stoller and Hudson Parker Phoenix Carole Reese Patricia A. Russo Norma J. Petersen in memory of Tania Trepanier in memory of Steven C. Belenchia in memory of Eric A. Petersen Wendy and William Sadler, Myrna and Barb Peterson Nancy Reeves Murray Goldstein, and Stacy and Richard Walker in memory of Eric Garsow in memory of Lindsay Ann Burleson, Kenneth Brown, and in memory of Mark Rose Brendan Aykroyd Betsey and Pat Petit (Continued on page 28) in memory of Sarah Ellen Petit Carol Rhodebeck in memory of Chuck Wachtel, Steve Burge, Mel Heckert, and Penny and John Piccolo Drake Heckert in memory of Matthew Glennon Piccolo Jean and John Richards PICS in memory of Daniel Joseph Richards in memory of Neal Newhouse Karen Richardson Nancy and Brian Pinto in memory of Megan Richardson in memory of Claire A. Pinto Stella and E. W. Richardson JoAnne Pizzi in memory of Laura Richardson and Christopher Trybus in memory of Keith DeLollis Dee and Max Ricketts in memory of David Ricketts 26 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 27

(Continued from page 26) Nancy Smith Margie and Ron Verostek in support of Barbara and Tom Allen in memory of Ryan Verostek Joann and Richard Sadowski Joy Verrusio in memory of Cindy Marie Sadowski Roxanne Smith in memory of Nikki Verrusio in memory of Brian Alexander Tayman Manu Jain Videki Clayton Samels in memory of Kavita Jain in memory of Robert Clayton Samels The Snively Family Karla and Richard Vogel in memory of Jacob Patrick Snively and Jackson Blair in memory of Bailey Lynn Vogel Maureen Samson Leslie and Don Snydel Debbie and Marco Vuoso in memory of Brian Samson and Eduardo Zamora in memory of Jeffrey and Natalie Snydel in memory of Marisa Vuoso Helen and David Solomon Susan and R. J. Wagner Nina Sanders in memory of Philip Solomon in memory of Ryder and Levi Wagner in memory of Susan and Ryan Mary and Jerry Sonnabend Beth Waite in memory of Leslie Ann Sonnabend in memory of J. Michael Haldeman II Graciela Sandoval Christine and James Sorbara Nancy Wallace Briordy in memory of Adrian Valderrama in memory of John J. Sorbara in memory of Daniel Wallace Donna St. Pierre Diane and Tim Walsh George Sandusky in memory of Robert Lee Whiddon in memory of Jaron Brooke and Kyle VanderHoek in memory of Victoria Kiracofe Adrian Stanford Jeanne and Robert Walz and Joe and Cindy Walz in memory of Kayla A. Stanford in memory of Kelly Jeanne Thompson and Carl Walz John Santoro and Pam Bennett-Santoro Barbara Starr Anna, Don, and Philip Watkins in memory of Paula Rosina Santoro in memory of David Charles Starr in memory of Jacquelyn Rose Watkins Ronda Starr Cathy and Fred Wayand Dottie and Pete Santos in memory of Mark Rubin (Starr) in memory of Timothy Frederick Wayand in memory of Jamie Lynn Santos and Tom Burns Bob Stevens Melissa A. Westfall in memory of Laura D. Stevens Mary and Mark Westra Louise and Mark Sargent Midge Stines in memory of Sam Sewall, Michael Kearney, Peter Westra, in memory of Jeffrey and Jonathan Sargent in memory of Brian and Kelly Stines Adam Barron, and Jonathan Jeffrey Mary Ann and Dale Stolt Debra and Robin Wibeto Jamie Sasena in memory of Kelly A. Miller and Scott A. Stolt in memory of Christopher Robin Wibeto and David Bergh in memory of Brian O’Donnell Jacqueline Stone Jean and Alan Wiles in memory of Michael Latraverse and Joseph Conlan in memory of Alan C. Wiles Jo and Chuck Saulisberry Robin and John Stopa Barbara and Jim Williams in memory of Tracy Ralph Saulisberry and in memory of Lexy Stopa in memory of Gregory Dean and Kimberly Dawn Williams Danielle Carpenter Linda Stricklen Jones Heather and Glenn Williams in memory of Christime Jones Duncan and in memory of Joshua Williams Kristi Saylor Ryan Jacob McLean Jill and Gregg Williams in memory of Jacob Saylor Ethel Sullivan in memory of Morgan Leigh Williams in memory of Nancy Sullivan Joan and Tom Woldum Clara and Ronaldo Schkolnik Irene and Fred Sutton in memory of Rodney Thein in memory of Gerard Stewart Schkolnik in memory of Jim Sutton Janet and Daniel Wolken Nancy E. Swart in memory of Grant Wolken Mickey and Steven Schmeisser in memory of Eric Swart Rachesky Judy Womach in memory of Melissa and Emily Schmeisser Susan Switalski in memory of Daniel Hunter Tuschhoff in memory of Andrew Justin Switalski Sandra Wood Marie Schmeltzer Suzanne and Michael Sylvina in memory of Bruce Wood, Kelly Fitzpatrick, and in memory of Samuel Sonny Schmeltzer in memory of Stacy Sylvina Connell Lisa Marie Ross-Meloche Linda and Bill Terrill Ann and Ford Young Ann and Carl Schoenhard in memory of Andrea Rae Terrill Brown in memory of Kendall Young in memory of Erin A. Schoenhard Patsy Tetta Susan and Amnon Zaks in memory of Matthew Tetta and Michael Tetta in memory of Joseph Henry and Matan Zaks Barbara Schrage Sybil Thackerson Alice Zanza in memory of Olivia Mary Katherine Cerone in memory of Paul Thackerson in memory of Nosimilo Zanza Carol Thompson Barbara Zinman Peggy and David Schreck in memory of Sarah Kathryn Thompson in memory of Alison Weingarten in memory of Denise Schreck Robin Thompson in memory of Christopher Todd Brown v Jim Schriver Vesta and Rob Thompson in memory of Gabriel J. Jacobson in memory of David Thompson, Tony Varoz, TCF CHapTER Joshua Richardson, Phillip Bartlow II, John Flanagan II, SUppORT 2012 Dorothy M. Schroeder Casey Griffith, Nicolette Hutchinson, Kaytee and Kyle in memory of Evan P. Schroeder Leslie, Danny Diaz III, and Peter Santos Circle of Caring (500–$999) Maria Thulion Joan and Richard Schroeder in memory of Erin Nicole Ruchotzke TCF of Frankfort Kentucky (Frankfort, KY) in memory of Jack T. Schroeder and Kyle Kozar Diane Tobin in memory all their children in memory of Pamela Roberson Trish Schuster Patricia and Lawrence Toole Circle of Support ($200–$499) in memory of Dawn Renee Schuster, Gracie Schultz, in memory of Daniel L. Toole Greater Boise Chapter (Boise, ID) Madison Creevan, Ashley Dawn Dorn, and Mary Trujillo in memory of their children Donita Gloria Schonwewis in memory of Michael Anthony Trujillo II Sylvia and Wally Tsang Circle of Friends ($50–$199) Suzanne D. Schutze in memory of David N. Tsang and Karen P. Tsang in memory of Noah Duble Marcia Tucker TCF of Houston Inner Loop Chapter (Houston, TX) in memory of Rebecca Crawford Tucker in memory of all their children Patty and David Schwartz UCLA Santa Monica Bay Physicians in memory of Andrew J. Schwartz in memory of Roland Wallen, MD TCF of Rochester Area (Rochester, MN) Judy and Leonel Urdaneta in memory of children of the Rochester Chapter Diana and David Shelton in memory of Carmen Cristina Urdaneta in memory of Mindy Lea Shelton Valdone Valskiene Mesa-Tempe Chapter (Mesa, AZ) in memory of Gediminas Valskys in memory of Rebekka McKenna and Noah Everly Marti and Julien Shoemaker Barbara and Bill Vanderberg in memory of David Shoemaker in memory of Amy Melissa Vanderberg v Marie Vangen and Ron Louks Alan Silberman in memory of Ron Louks, Kenneth Vangen, and Marjorie Vangen Sue and Philip Simonson in memory of Kyle Davis Simonson Ginny and Walt Simpson in memory of Greg Simpson, Leslie Raybourn, and Johnna Raybourn Ruth and Tom Sines in memory of Joshua Sines Beverly Sisisky in memory of Lee Rubenstein Smart and Final Charitable Foundation Melba and Glenn Smit in memory of Henry Charles Smit Bonni J. Smith in memory of Shannon Paul Smith, Libbi Woelk, Michael Beer, Jason Cottrell, and Eric Margum Carol and Richard Smith in memory of David Leo Smith Chris and Suzanne Smith and Chris Parrish in honor of the wedding of Lynne Shaner and David Nelson Corinne Smith in memory of Jullianne and Wendy Smith Judith and Hodges Smith in memory of Tyler Leger Mary and Jeff Smith in memory of Tucker Smith 28 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

With Love, from Heaven and individual as our beloved children. Like images of a collective collage, the accounts were vibrant with feeling and ~By Robin Goddard dimension, all leading to the striking conclusion: Our children are very much alive in a realm not far away. I t was a cloudy afternoon in January, a warm Texas Never did I doubt that life continues after death; I just 70 degrees—five years, five months, and seven days after believed that heaven was a distant place with little interest my beautiful son Brandon made his transition to heaven. in earthly affairs. The idea that heaven and earth somehow He was seventeen and taken by a sudden and ultimately intersect was a new perspective for me. It implied a new kind unexplained illness. of relationship with my son that required a willingness to release what was and what should have been, and to embrace My friend Sandy arrived on her bike to take a ride through the love that is. a nearby park. I can’t tell you the last time I had ridden a bike. I excavated it from the garage, among skateboards, hockey As I began allowing this new relationship, I felt an inward sticks, an assortment of balls—relics of another lifetime, sense of peace. I found that the awareness of an enduring each with a story to tell—made a cautious circle around the connectedness, as real as any earthly relationship, enabled me driveway, and then took off down the street with Sandy. to move forward with grief and reclaim a sense of meaning and purpose in life. We pedaled to the end of the neighborhood, where a school bus was making its routine stop. As we approached the bus, Like streams of silver starlight reaching through midnight a young boy about ten years old called out from one of the clouds, heaven’s gifts are reminders that love transcends the open windows. “Are you Brandon’s mom?” he asked, a wide separation of death. By opening our hearts to these luminous grin on his face. I didn’t recognize him and wondered how gifts, we embrace a very-present source of comfort and strength. he knew Brandon; maybe it was someone from church, I thought, but he was too young to have known Brandon. It What distinguishes heaven’s expressions of love? While the didn’t matter. “Yes.” I smiled back. I could hear the sweet-sad outer form of gifts may vary, three qualities may be identified: sound of children’s laughter spilling from the bus. The boy appeared again at the window, this time waving his arms and • Unexpected—The first quality of gifts from heaven is laughing. “Hey, are you Brandon’s mom?” He motioned to the element of surprise. They are spontaneous windows of someone beside him and added, “He says you’re his mom.” awareness. In fact, we may question if they are real or if we It was then that I realized that another boy on the bus named are imagining them. They may be wrapped in ordinary sights, Brandon was telling him I was his mom. (I remember it well sounds, incidents, or objects that lend themselves to logical . . . that kind of thing is a real gut-buster for ten-year-old explanation, but they generate an unmistakable impression boys!) I answered again, “Yes,” now in full appreciation that is recognized by the heart. of the prank. Sandy and I rode past the bus as the first boy shouted after us, “He says he loves you!” “Thank you!” I • Personal—Because a brush with heaven is a spirit- called back. Then I whispered to heaven, I love you, too. to-spirit encounter, it is very personal, as unique as the relationship with the loved one. Therefore, gifts are delivered Sandy was laughing out loud, aware of the magic that had in a language that will be understood by the recipient. For just happened. “How’s that for a hello from heaven?” I said in example, my school bus encounter had qualities that felt like amazement. “More like a shout-out from heaven,” she agreed. my son’s personality. Each gift is customized in a way that invites us to unwrap its inmost contents. To anyone else, the incident might be explained away as an amusing coincidence. But to bereaved parents, eternally • Supportive—Tucked inside each gift is a message of connected with our children, we might interpret such an event support, gently prompting us onward in our lives. Although as nothing less than an expression of heaven’s love. I don’t it doesn’t erase the pain of physical separation, the assurance presume to understand or explain how these things occur, but that we’re not alone encourages us to find what remains to be I know in my heart that the sense of connection is more than lived. It’s not unusual that many bereaved parents feel closest wishful thinking. to their children when they begin reengaging in life. It’s our gift in return to those who support us from the other side. In the beginning of grief, I hesitated to talk about these experiences. They were sacred moments, and I protected We might think of heaven’s gifts as a UPS package: them from possible scrutiny by others. But as I listened to other bereaved parents relate their stories of heaven’s Unexpected, Personal, and Supportive. They take us by presence, what I felt in the deepest place of my soul was surprise, fill our hearts with love, and inspire us to live in validated and given voice. honor of a reality beyond our limited view. There were stories of butterflies, dreams, electrical Our cherished relationships transcend the bounds of time, occurrences, personal objects showing up inexplicably, songs, space, and life itself. So if a delivery arrives, “With love, fragrances, synchronicities; the phenomena were as varied from heaven,” I’ll gratefully sign for the gift. v Robin and her husband, Bennie, live in Texas and are the parents of Ashley, 26, and Brandon, who made his transition to heaven in 2006. They have been involved with the Brazoria County Texas and Sugar Land/ SW Houston Chapters of TCF. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 29

Your world has shattered and will never be the same again. But you are not alone. We invite you to visit www.opentohope.com, the world's largest online grief and loss support community, with over one million yearly visitors. Founded to help you find hope again during one of the hardest times in your life. Inspirational stories of life, loss and hope:  3,000+ articles, written by authors who have experienced a loss like yours  350+ Open to Hope radio programs, hosted by mother/daughter team Dr. Gloria Horsley & Dr. Heidi Horsley & 150 YouTube videos  New! Open to Hope TV featuring Pat Loder  International Grief & Loss Calendar  A place for you to share your stories www.opentohope.com Subscription and patron Form WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE The Compassionate Friends, Inc. 900 Jorie Blvd., Suite 78 / P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 [Quantity subscriptions are available. Contact the National Office toll-free at 877-969-0010.] ____ Yes, I would like a subscription to ____ Yes, I would like to make Patron Plan* We Need Not Walk Alone, the national a Patron donation and receive a magazine of The Compassionate Friends, subscription to We Need Not Walk ( ) Simon Stephens Founder’s Circle published triannually. Alone. As a Patron, I understand $10,000 or more that I will be assisting TCF in the ( ) President’s Circle 5,000 to 9,999 ( ) $20 U.S.A. promotion of the positive resolu- ( ) Circle of Love 2,500 to 4,999 ( ) $23 Canada (U.S. Dollars) tion of grief and the fostering of ( ) Circle of Hope 1,000 to 2,499 ( ) $30 Foreign Countries emotional and physical health of ( ) Circle of Caring 500 to 999 bereaved families throughout the United States following the death ( ) Circle of Support 200 to 499 of a child. ( ) Circle of Friends 50 to 199 *Annual subscription to magazine included $____________________ Total enclosed Send subscription to: Make check payable to: Name ______________________________________________________________ The Compassionate Friends, Inc. Address ____________________________________________________________ or include your credit card information: City___________________________________ State ______ Zip ______________ o Visa o MasterCard Exp. Date _________ Patron Donation is o in Memory of o in Honor of ___________________ Account No. _____________________________ CVC Code _______________________________ (3-digit code listed on the back of your credit card) Thank you for your support. Signature_________________________________ 30 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

Viso: WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE Please drop in Joshua Henkin Editor 1/2 page ad here. Catherine Patillo Copy Editor Deborah Wiseman To have material considered for publication, send to: [email protected] or [email protected] or Catherine Patillo, WNNWA P.O. Box 526194 Salt Lake City, UT 84152-6194 THE COMpaSSiOnaTE FRiEnDS Executive Director Patricia A. Loder TCF National Office 900 Jorie Blvd., Suite 78 P.O. Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 Phone: (630) 990-0010 Toll-Free: (877) 969-0010 Fax: (630) 990-0246 E-mail: [email protected] Website: www.compassionatefriends.org One complimentary copy of We Need Not Walk Alone is sent to bereaved families who contact the National Office. To receive future issues, please use the subscription form in this issue or visit The Compassionate Friends on the Internet at www.compassionatefriends.org. Contact the National Office for information on quantity subscription prices. Copyright © 2012 The Compassionate Friends, Inc. All Rights Reserved. We encourage the reprinting of individual articles, unless specified “one time only,” but ask that proper credit be given to We Need Not Walk Alone. This magazine is not to be reproduced for distribution in its entirety without written permission from the National Office. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 31

P. O. Box 3696 Nonprofit Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 U.S. Postage Return Service Requested PAID Postmaster: Dated Material, Please Deliver Promptly Oak Brook, IL Permit No. 251 Join in the Worldwide Candle Lighting® as we remember all children! The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting® is held every year on the second Sunday in December at 7:00 p.m. for one hour local time around the globe—a 24-hour wave of light in honor of all the children whose memories we treasure in our hearts. On Sunday, December 9, 2012, hundredVs iosfoc:ommunity candle lighting ceremonies will be held in parks, churchTehs,oaunsadnodtshmeropruebwPliiclllepbaleasceheespldbiycinkTfCourFmpcahlsalyaptmienrseh,oamllieesdwoirtghafnriieznadtisonasn,dafnadmiinlyfo. rmal groups. It takes onlyiymouaagnedfoonre ctahnidsleistsoujoein hearts with the world! Visit The CompassionaatesFtriheendssunmatimonaelrw(elbassitte) at www.compassionatefriends.org for information about the Worldwide CanidslesuLieg.hting® and memorial services as it becomes available. You Can Make a Difference! If no service has been available in your community, you can make one happen and have the satisfaction of knowing you have made a difference in the lives of other grieving families. You can remember a special child and honor the lives of all children gone too soon by sponsoring and planning a Worldwide Candle Lighting service open to the public. For suggestions on how to hold a successful Worldwide Candle Lighting, visit the Worldwide Candle Lighting page at www.compassionatefriends.org or call toll free 877-969-0010. Follow The Compassionate Friends/USA on Facebook! 147988 WNNWA versionA r1.indd 1 6/25/12 11:26 AM