WNNWA | Spring-Summer 2015

We Need Not Walk Alone For bereaved families and the people who care about them, following the death of a child. Spring | Summer 2015



INSIDE this issue Spring | Summer 2015 FEATURES 6 TCF’s Transformation: From Giving Up to Giving Back by Chuck Collins 8 Awakenings by Tina Zarlenga 10 The Mind-Body Connection: Taking Care of Your Health During Grief by Coralease Ruff 12 The 38th National Conference 16 TCF Closed Facebook Pages by Cathy Seehuetter 18 I am Sean’s Grandmother by Therese Starkey 22 My Dear Friend by Sukey Forbes 24 From the Ashes of Grief by Lana Golembeski 27 The Empty Chair: 7 Lessons Gained in Sibling Loss by Amanda Wormann 32 2014 Worldwide Candle Lighting 34 Over 5 Years In by Bart Sumner 36 My Road to Sweet Old World by David Zeiger 38 Pay-it-Forward and Keep Your Child’s Memory Alive with a Memorial Fund by Tim Meadows DEPARTMENTS 4 From the National Office 21 Dear Dr. Gloria 26 Dear Dr. Heidi 30 News from the National Office 41 TCF Patron Donations 52 TCF Board of Directors and Staff The views presented within this magazine represent those of the authors and do not necessarily represent those of The Compassionate Friends. Cover photo: © themorningglory/fotolia.com, Inside cover photo: © honzakrej/fotolia.com Back photo: © Maya Kruchenkova/fotolia.com We Need Not Walk Alone|3

A Message from the Executive Director Some of my favorite quotes come from author Rita Mae Brown. She coined the clever phrase, “I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” My favorite quote is, “Happiness is pretty simple: someone to love, something to do, something to look forward to.” This quote means so much to me because it relates so well to our lives before and after the death of someone we love. Most grieving parents, grandparents and siblings talk about their lives in terms of before or since their loved one died. Those who are new in their grief commonly express that their loss has taken away their someone to love, their something to do and their something to look forward to. I was one of those people after my daughter Ashley died in August of 2001. Like many of you reading this I could never imagine how life could be good again or how I could possibly recapture any of those three important components to happiness. The Compassionate Friends and the support of others walking this journey have helped me and tens of thousands of others discover that there is hope and there can be happiness once again after a deep loss. The journey is long and takes a lot of hard work but our organization is effective because it helps us address and reclaim each one of these three elements of happiness. One of the first things we learn from each other is the love for our children, grandchildren and siblings did not die when they died. We can continue to express that love by saying their name, telling our love story, reaching out to others and honoring their lives by living ours. Together we learn to hold on tightly to the love while supporting each other in letting go of some of the pain. Our shared experiences and memories of our children give us the courage to stop saying “I had,” but rather, “I have.” The Compassionate Friends has helped me boldly proclaim that I have a daughter Ashley, and I love her very much. When we continue to fully express the deep love, it opens doors for us to have something to do. Grief is often misunderstood in that many people view it as something that we merely feel. In truth, those of us who have walked this path for very long understand that grief is actually something very important that we do. Grief is a process, it requires action. Of course we feel it, we also breathe it. Grief and what we do with it is a fuel which can propel us into actions which help us take positive steps forward. Look around any TCF chapter and you will see those who are busy doing. TCF members are advocates for causes dear to them and they serve as volunteers at all levels in a wide variety of organizations. Our members share their talents as organizers, leaders, creators of art, crafts, and writings. Our TCF family is filled with huggers, listeners and ambassadors of love and compassion for others which makes our world a better place. Perhaps the most difficult component for some of us to obtain is something to look forward to. We were looking forward to witnessing their lives as they watched us grow old. What is left for us to look forward to now? Our credo says it well when it states that “some of us find hope in our faith,” which makes us look forward to seeing our loved ones again one day. Some of us have difficulty embracing faith yet find hope and look forward to the discovery of gifts left behind by our loved ones. The outside world must think many of us are crazy for looking for signs anywhere which connect us to our children, grandchildren and siblings. There is also something quite amazing and transformational that I see every day which also gives many of us something to look forward to. We discover that our loss and the grief we have experienced has brought a new set of priorities, values, opportunities and friendships into our lives. We find a deeper understanding of how fragile life is and how important relationships are. We Need Not Walk Alone magazine is all about hope. Hope is difficult to comprehend when the pain is so great that taking the next breath seems like a monumental challenge. If you are new in your grief, please understand that those of us who have found our way were once where you are. Lean on us, trust in the process of fully grieving your loss with the comfort and support of others who have walked through our doors feeling hopeless and helpless but who now can be there for you. I hope this issue of the magazine is inspiring and touches your heart. I will leave you with one final quote by Rita Mae Brown, “Loving is pretty easy, it’s letting someone love you that’s hard.” Blessings, Alan Alan Pedersen, TCF Executive Director 4 |We Need Not Walk Alone

A Message from the Chief Operating Officer © Lijuan Guo/fotolia.com Dear Friends, As this magazine is being distributed at our 38th Annual Conference in Dallas, I appreciate having the opportunity in this letter to first thank the many people whose tireless efforts have made it the success we know it will be. To our Conference Co-Chairs, Joan Campbell and Crys Kelly, I applaud your outstanding efforts. Your commitment and that of your wonderful committee members has been amazing, and I am honored to have worked with all of you these past months. The energy and creativity that I witnessed last year at our first meeting has never waned, and we’re all very grateful for your involvement this year. I work very closely with the Conference Committee Chairs and members, and have seen first-hand that wonderful things can be accomplished when a group of generous people put their minds and hearts together. Bravo to all of you involved. One of the goals for this year’s event is to provide an experience that will aid in both mind and body, and some of the new additions that have been added to this year’s Conference are designed with this in mind. I encourage you to visit the Hyatt’s Atrium level that houses our Creative Café and Healing Haven. These areas are intended to allow for creative expression and learning experiences designed to educate everyone on the importance of taking care of yourself both physically and mentally. On page 10 of this issue, TCF board member Coralease Ruff writes about the mind-body connection, and provides a gentle reminder to readers of the importance that “the manner in which we take care of our health while grieving, not only helps relieve some of the common side effects of grief but, also helps lessen complications of existing diseases and developing future health problems.” To assist you with this during the Conference, we will also be offering classes on the lower level in both Zumba and yoga on Saturday morning, with additional hours of studio time for sunrise yoga beginning in the early morning hours both Friday and Saturday. There are no specific classes scheduled for the sunrise yoga time, people are encouraged to come in as their schedule allows and enjoy the space. I will be your Zumba instructor for the class, and as someone who has been a fitness instructor for more than 25 years, I know that the first step is the most difficult in adding fitness back into your life, and may seem virtually impossible under certain circumstances. I will be there to help you, and promise you that there won’t be any goals other than spending an enjoyable hour with friends. We hope that you will decide to participate in one or all of these new offerings that are being presented at this year’s Conference. We also hope that this issue of WNNWA will provide you with comfort and support that is matched by your experience at the Conference. If there is anything we can do to assist you, please don’t hesitate to contact us at Registration area or at the National Office any time throughout the year. Lisa Lisa Corrao, TCF Chief Operating Officer We Need Not Walk Alone|5

TCF’s Transformation: From Giving Up to Giving Back by Chuck Collins After graduation, she hoped to continue her studies with I have been honored to serve as President of The aspirations of becoming an occupational therapist. As a Compassionate Friends’ National Board of Directors. After newly licensed aerobics instructor, Tiffanie kept herself six years of service, I now leave this all-volunteer board in great physical condition. She never hesitated to lecture confident in our leadership’s commitment to expand her father about my poor eating habits. Like so many TCF TCF’s outreach to grieving families nationwide. Every families we’ve met over the years, our hopes and dreams for dedicated board member I have been privileged to serve our daughter were limitless. with understands the agony of grief, having suffered Those dreams were crushed over one torturous weekend. heartbreaking losses of their own precious children and/ Prior to leaving campus, Tiffanie was treated at the or siblings or grandchildren. Each year Chapter Leaders, school clinic for a sore throat. She seemed vibrant and delegates, and Regional Coordinators across the country healthy after arriving home, but the next morning Tiffanie elect board members from a slate of approved candidates. began experiencing flu-like symptoms. She was taken Any bereaved parent, sibling and/or grandparent is eligible to a local hospital and admitted into the Intensive Care for consideration as a candidate in board elections. This Unit. Tiffanie’s inexplicable death two days later from process ensures TCF’s leadership has a constant infusion of bacterial meningitis left our family shocked, devastated, creative ideas and fresh perspectives. and emotionally suffocating. It seemed impossible to It seems like yesterday when our beautiful nineteen-year- imagine our lives or our family without Tiffanie. As my old daughter, Tiffanie Amber, died of bacterial meningitis. wife, Kathy, searched for ways to comfort our young sons, Having just finished her exams, she looked forward to David and Christopher, she grew increasingly depressed her junior year challenges at Clemson University. Tiffanie and withdrawn. While I did my best to comfort my family, loved her family, friends, and was excited about her future. 6 |We Need Not Walk Alone

privately I struggled with persistent thoughts of suicide. Chapter-related responsibilities, we discovered what every Logical thinking offers little deterrence when dying seems good Chapter Leader knows. These tasks are small acts of preferable to living with such intense anguish. love dedicated to families struggling after the loss of their After being referred to a local Compassionate Friends children, siblings or grandchildren. chapter, Kathy expressed a sudden willingness to venture TCF Chapters are the backbone of this organization. While away from the isolation of our home for a meeting. My long every Chapter-related responsibility is important, three are police career shaped many of my attitudes, especially the especially critical. The first is having someone reliable answering view that “cops don’t do support groups.” No matter how or promptly returning phone calls. Whoever handles those initial traumatic a police officer’s experiences, my generation of inquiries must communicate hope and reassurance in his or her law enforcement was taught to “just suck it up!” voice or callers may lose hope the meetings will help them. Kathy and I soon found ourselves in a church parking Equally important are the volunteers positioned just inside lot discussing whether “she” could attend a TCF meeting each meeting room welcoming newly bereaved attendees. alone. Suddenly a young man knocked on my car window It takes a combination of desperation and courage for a inquiring, “Are you here for the Compassionate Friends grieving parent, sibling or grandparent to walk into their meeting?” When I reluctantly acknowledged we were, Stu first TCF meeting. Whether they stay or leave may be Schippereit, the Chapter Co-leader, introduced himself and influenced by how they are received once inside. Lastly, it coaxed us into the building. Inside we were met by his wife, is crucial to have trained meeting facilitators, who ensure Marianne, and a group of caring people who understood participants are given an opportunity to share their feelings, our pain and openly shared their heartbreaking experiences. if and when they feel able to do so. Most Chapter Leaders I was struck by the realization these parents had also suffered perform some or all of these duties, at least initially. Kathy, the tragic deaths of their children. Yet somehow they had Mary Ann, and I strived to become proficient in all of them. managed to survive. They discussed many issues Kathy and One year after becoming a Chapter Co-leader, I volunteered I were struggling to comprehend. We asked one question so as an internet chat moderator in TCF’s Online Support often posed by newly grieving parents: “Does it ever get any Community. After some training, I was paired with Nicole better?” Their answer was an unequivocal “Yes!” Rinehart of Warner Robins, Georgia. Nicole was a vibrant As these caring strangers described their individual survival Chapter Leader who volunteered in memory of her beloved paths, an amazing bond formed. Stu Schippereit never nine-month-old son Chase Preston Rinehart. We worked anticipated his parking lot rescue would drastically change together on Monday nights for over four years to create our lives. Kathy and I began attending meetings at every a meeting-like experience for chatroom visitors. These chapter within reasonable driving distance. Each time we heartbroken people often had limited opportunities to attend an were amazed by the sheer compassion we received. actual TCF meeting. Nicole and I hope we comforted as many Those early TCF meetings gradually helped us to rediscover people online, as those who touched our hearts along the way. hope in our lives. We began to understand that while It was a wonderful, challenging, and emotional experience. we will never “get over” Tiffanie’s death, we could learn By 2006, Mary Ann had relocated to Texas and started to better manage our grief. We slowly grew stronger in another Chapter. Our meeting attendance had increased to the months and years that followed, thanks to emotional 35-40 people each month and our finances had improved, support from so many people. We began trying to pay that due mostly to Kathy’s fundraising efforts. We then attended compassion forward by attending meetings to support a Chapter Leadership Training Program, where we were other struggling families. Each time we comforted another advised that five years is a critical point in managing devastated family, we felt closer to our daughter. a Chapter. The concern was that after five years, the Five years after Tiffanie’s death, when a local TCF Chapter membership begins to identify the Chapter personally with was near closure, Kathy and I joined Mary Ann Noble the individual leader. Since this can deter potential future (Sean Stephen’s Mom) to become Chapter Co-leaders. We leaders from stepping forward, it was recommended that attended special workshops at the National Conference to five years was a good time to transition new leadership into prepare ourselves. When our first TCF meeting attracted a chapter. To this day, I question the wisdom of this advice, only one person, we intensified our efforts to publicize but I relied on it nonetheless. I immediately stepped down the chapter. Our meeting size gradually increased along as chapter co-leader, while Kathy remained to assist as two with our male participation. Whenever we brewed coffee, volunteers assumed leadership roles. worked on a newsletter or performed a variety of other (continued on page 15) We Need Not Walk Alone|7

© silver-john/fotolia.com Awakenings by Tina Zarlenga The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are Spring represented an unwanted gift and this rebirth strong at the broken places. ~ Ernest Hemingway offended me. How could life continue when I stood so raw? For years I cursed spring... Marooned in a well of grief, I felt alone in a world During that time my heart woke to the bitterness of life. surrounded by people, a place where I was unable to In the harsh frost of winter my anguish and the season articulate the wound that clutched at my soul. were one, a climate where I felt safe, cocooned in a blanket My attention oscillated with an assault of questions, an of grief, a camouflage that ensconced me from the world endless loop of uncertainty that blemished my heart. outside. Feeling guilty for being alive when he was gone, for waking Like grief, winter brings the bitter cold to our life and those each day, even the shame I felt running out of tears depleted withered months drenched in sorrow tasted natural. me, until nothing but darkness remained. Each day another In the time I lingered frozen in my shroud of despair, spring upheaval when I woke peacefully until the ambiguity had arrived, with feathered creatures whistling joyous songs dissipated and exposed me to the pain again. while the leaves danced up our driveway. The warmth of the Meeting with other bereaved families and sharing our sun was a charlatan, exasperating my pain while seducing lives brought the courage I needed to begin functioning me like a stranger to a foreign place. again. Slowly a thaw occurred and the bitter cold that once Welcoming the signs of spring felt like a betrayal of my surrounded my heart began to warm. grief, and for years I remained suspended, cursing the The heartache that previously consumed me now unfolded seasons, as if they had something to do with my anguish. into a treasure of memories and the gifts they bring with 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone

the passage of time. Gratitude can nourish us when our once consumed me. heart feels empty, though learning through loss is difficult, it remains powerful. The power connected to giving is immeasurable and that influence sustained me. Beginning with small acts that Embracing this enlightenment and the growth it provided kept me anonymous was the tipping point I needed to shift filled me with love and compassion. Through years of directions. grief, love, and self-examination I began to find myself authentically whole again, and like the new buds of spring, Paying at a drive through where I remained nameless my heart began to open. energized me and instead of the melancholy I had previously felt, a new kind of optimism emerged. ElptBufaabtoorhhgllepevuoldoeeogreotmtkh,anhyasnwetnaocetihdtupshacanwtenuasregofdelonmprbolonliryiluieeelIauwtfdcdsfrytchl.apa,abefjyaurriottevpedwiihsugoneapeehrtan-rgeononysef’nsoofear,teergfalhtedhrsetneunocraewnowlnbdaibAl,looslessawgetlsariehlonomoimunetgiwnienhrniddggfoilmustwynsuiiet?ItganhtwdhikoRnrlueaeemsyldssvgeawbertanrienhnigndtteegt,iIr,ov,cwoeorlnoinvrnaeldweorSnceoaanalttleauiyacmnriseenecgceaooampknurubioenbrsnadesclwftideootleuieivietnv.tdsidhseniningttwooitnmhtpahaeletyeaqussucniieevte.prspwowtsIOalawepsnrwoacvpeeoaseueaRpicnrrslu$ioayedda1tnrrfadlweu0.plncgedtAnl’errsgtoe,enanliatbsptcfdthirehtiyienorecnocotgywktahnslueaiaroihdgnawtdhme,harrgsosansyIeIwucfolwtaryeaphfonotIeiemdnunrt,ga Finding a quiet room I sat down and began slowly turning local store. This time I needed to step out of my anonymous the pages, revisiting the season of loss I had endured. comfort zone and be present. Tenderly I stroked the pages acknowledging that despairing period of my life. After asking permission, I handed the two gift cards to two young siblings there to run the race. The delight alone was a As I read, I recalled the brave woman I was, surviving the gratification to witness, but this act gave more. loss of my child, and I could not help but honor her and the battle she had forged to survive. After sharing Ryan’s story, they all thanked me and I returned to my own daughter, both of us beaming. Within For days I continued reading the journal entries, a few minutes the children bashfully approached me, discovering stories that swelled my heart and welled my thanking me again and sharing how special they felt. eyes with tears. Yellowed pages filled with letters and Smiling, I looked up at their mom who stood watching with poetry, notes and emotions bringing the words to life again, tears running down her face. reminding me of how far I had come. Allowing Ryan to live on in positive ways is a gift I have Entries I had written cursing the seasons stung at my vision, given away countless times without regret, connecting us until suddenly aware of the anger I once held with spring. with one another makes the world a more loving place. For it was not the season that hurt, the pain that gripped me was witnessing life moving on without me. Although we try and live with a strategy in mind, planning how many children we want or the house we need, within It took me years of unraveling to find myself again, and all of this, there is no immunity from loss. When we realize there are still days when I hear his sweet voice in the quiet that material things are fleeting collections of wants and of my day and know that he is still with me. Learning to will not sustain us in tragedy, we begin to embrace the little step beyond the loss and share the love I had for my son in moments of life. positive ways became one of my greatest blessings. Giving of ourselves is the most valuable offering we can Gratefulness is plentiful when we look beyond ourselves present, shaping the world in a perfect light. A beautiful and see the beauty that exists in life all around us. Ryan’s sunrise, a child’s laughter, even the smile we bring the story became a story of love, one of giving to others the elderly neighbor when we stop to visit, will be the pause that way this small child gave to us. Caring for strangers with will anchor us if our ship begins to sink. random acts of kindness began filling the emptiness that We Need Not Walk Alone|9

The Mind-Body Connection: Taking Care of Your Health During Grief by Coralease Ruff © Photocreo Bednarek/fotolia.com Introduction responses (i.e., fear, love, anger, and grief) share a common The mind and body are intricately connected, which chemical language. When we experience a stressor (grief), results in a physical response to our emotions, thoughts, the alarm/threat message goes to the brain, which secretes and actions. Poor emotional health weakens the body’s stress hormones (adrenalin) that alert all body organs to immune system, making us more susceptible to minor secrete more hormones to prepare the person for fight or illnesses, infections, such as colds and flu, and long term flight. illnesses. Consequently, the manner in which we take care of our health while grieving, not only helps relieve some Because grief is long term, these chemical reactions of the common side effects of grief but, also helps lessen continue to occur, resulting in some of the following complications of existing diseases and developing future common signs and symptoms of grief: health problems. • Digestive problems such as loss of appetite, or How grief induces the body’s stress response overeating Grief is not an illness that requires medication, but a normal natural healing response to loss of any kind. The resulting • Sleepiness and sleeplessness stress causes the body to display strange and unfamiliar symptoms. All parts of the human body; (i.e., the brain • Heartache and chest pain and nervous system; the endocrine and immune system; body organs (i.e. heart, lungs, and kidneys) and emotional • Forgetfulness and memory loss 1 0 |We Need Not Walk Alone • Cognitive changes including general confusion and difficulty concentrating

• Emotional changes including sadness, crying and It may be tempting to numb the pain of grief with food prolonged weeping and drink especially alcohol. This can in turn lead to • Respiratory problems including shortness of breath and the additional problems of dependence and overweight. Numbing the pain also prolongs the grieving process. asthma • Panic attacks i.e., sweating, rapid heartbeat, numbness, Sleep Enhancement Insomnia, the inability to fall asleep and/or to stay asleep and tingling is a distressing grief manifestation that can be difficult to • Confusion with an associated feeling of loss of control overcome. The natural tendency to seek sleep medications or a feeling of “losing one’s mind” is not always effective and may have negative side effects Some bereaved parents have been diagnosed with illnesses including habit formation. Behavioral adaptations that can not previously experienced such as diabetes, hypertension, help resolve sleep problems should be considered. or cancer. Another bereaved mother thought she was Environmental preparation having a heart attack, and of the sleep area includes removing the TV, laptop, learned after her third trip The mind and body are intricately smart phone and other to the emergency room, connected, which results in a work related items. The that it was a grief response. temperature of the room should be comfortably cool After an explanation for her physical response to our emotions, for sleeping. Some grieving symptoms, she was able to thoughts, and actions. calm herself down. Nutrition and Fluid Intake individuals feel chilly, so socks will help warm the feet and add a warm cup of herbal Proper nutrition is markedly difficult when you have tea or a warm bath for additional comfort. The addition no appetite for food. Establishing regular meal times is of soft lighting and an essential oil i.e. lavender will help desirable as well as eating frequent smaller meals. A diet induce relaxation. of the superfoods, i.e., leafy green vegetables, citrus fruits, berries, beans, fish high in omega 3’s, nuts and seeds, A sleep routine should consistently include a get-up time, whole grain, low fat milk and yogurt is most nourishing. a standard bedtime no later than 10 pm, and a wind down Small amounts of comfort foods and one’s favorite dish can (chill-out) period. Winding down includes physical and encourage eating. Mindful and slow eating aid in digestion mental winding down. The first part of winding down is to and prevent food being caught in the throat. Healthy snacks separate your busy day from bedtime. Clear your mind of of nuts, veggies, and fruits should be kept on hand to avoid thoughts, worries, pent up feelings and the proverbial “To snacking on sugary and salty snacks. Avoid highly seasoned, Do List” by writing them in a log/journal. Don your favorite high fat, and fried foods. Avoid simple carbohydrates such sleepwear, play relaxing music, or light a candle, for added as donuts and pastries, because they can lead to a drop in ambiance. The second part of winding down is to physically blood sugar causing a jittery feeling. relax the muscles by alternating between tensing and When nutritional intake is compromised during grief, it relaxing each part of the body from head to toe. Slow deep is useful to add a multi-vitamin, as well as the anti-stress breathing calms the heart and further enhances relaxation vitamin-B complex. One should avoid the use of artificial for sleep. sweeteners but rather substitute natural sweeteners such Some of us get to sleep but find it impossible to stay asleep. as honey or foods that are naturally sweet such as apples The addition of white noise (sounds introduced via a and bananas. Mealtime can be more fun when eating in a recording or other instrument specifically to keep silence or different location with a friend. other environmental noises from becoming disruptive) may Water and fluid intake often suffer during grief. It is helpful be especially helpful. If you awaken and do not get back to to drink a cool glass of juice, water or other liquid at least sleep in 10-15 minutes, don’t try to force it. Just rest in bed every two hours to avoid dehydration. Caffeinated drinks and enjoy the feel of your soft pillow and bed covers around i.e. coffee and colas should be limited or avoided, because you. Give yourself the gift of time-out, awake or asleep. they may increase jitteriness and sleeplessness. Some of the tried and true anecdotes for insomnia include (continued on page 14) We Need Not Walk Alone|1 1

38th National Conference July 10-12, 2015 . Dallas, TX Kay Warren (Opening Ceremony) Christopher Jones (Saturday Evening The cofounder of the mega Saddleback Dinner) Chris Jones is the author of Church in Orange County, California along Mitchell’s Journey, a popular Facebook with her husband, Rick (Purpose Driven blog which has nearly 300,000 followers. Life), Kay is an international speaker, Chris began his blog a few years prior to his best-selling author and teacher who has 10-year-old son’s death from heart failure a passion for inspiring and motivating caused by Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. others to make a difference with their What started out as a place for family lives. Additionally, Kay has also written for and friends to find updates on his son’s Christianity Today, Purpose Driven Life, CNN.com, The Washington condition, has continued on into a personal journey of reflection and Post, and has been featured in Newsweek and Reader’s Digest. In discovery about Mitchell’s life, death, the grieving process and the April of 2013 Kay’s son, Matthew died by suicide at the age of 27. transformative effects it has had on the lives of his family and himself. Gary Mendell (Friday Afternoon BBQ) Kris Munsch (Sunday Closing Ceremony) Gary Mendell is the founder and CEO There was never a project too big for of Shatterproof, a national organization Kris until his son, Blake, was killed in committed to protecting our children a car accident December 23rd of 2005. from addiction to alcohol or other drugs, Kris spiraled out of control, selling his and ending the stigma and suffering of businesses and entering into a world of those affected by this disease. Mr. Mendell depression. Soon, he realized that if he had founded Shatterproof to honor his son, the talent to rebuild almost anything, why Brian, who lost his battle with addiction in couldn’t he rebuild his life? That’s what he 2011. Shatterproof has launched a series of innovative rappelling began doing, and he did it in a high school classroom teaching events in thirty cities across the United States to reduce the stigma woodworking. The authenticity of the teens he worked with associated with this disease, and raise funding for its mission. inspired him to start The Birdhouse Project. 1 2 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Our heartfelt thanks to the following generous sponsors of TCF’s 38th Annual National Conference $20,000 Conference Partner $1,000 Parents’ Hospitality Room South Shore Anthesia Associates, Inc. Paul and Sue Lowden in loving memory of Richard Mirabile, M.D. in loving memory of Will Lowden $10,000 Conference Patron $1,000 Volunteer Shirts Carol and Dale Dullabaun, Sr. Mary Ellen and Dennis Sullivan in loving memory of Dale L. Dullabaun, III in loving memory of Christopher Shawn Yost $5,000 Program Book Sponsor Sue and Karl Snepp $1,000 Silent Auction in honor of Karen Snepp and Tracy Milne Margaret and Don Gray $5,000 Registration Bag Sponsor in loving memory of Donald W. Gray, III Open to Hope Foundation in loving memory of Scott Preston Horsley $1,000 Closing Ceremony $5,000 Trail to Treasure Event Houston Inner Loop Chapter Barbara Allen in loving memory of the Houston Inner Loop Chapter’s in loving memory of James Stallings children Helen Dement in loving memory of Melanie Dement $1,000 Shining Star Area Nancy Juracka Chuck and Kathy Collins in loving memory of Lance John Juracka in loving memory of Tiffanie Amber Collins $5,000 Saturday Evening Dinner Sponsor Lynn and Jerry Clayton $1,000 Volunteer Snack Bags in loving memory of Justin Lee Clayton Patricia and William Moore $5,000 Sibling Friday Night Event in loving memory of Kyle Moore Anonymous Donor in honor of Tracy Milne and TCF Siblings $1,000 Sibling Lunch $2,500 Creative Café Karen Snepp The Kristin Rita Strouse Foundation in loving memory of Dave Snepp in loving memory of Kristin Rita Strouse $750 Reflection Room $2,500 Sibling Shirts TCF Twin Forks/Hamptons Chapter Anonymous Donor in loving memory of all children, grandchildren, and siblings in honor of Tracy Milne and TCF Siblings gone too soon Kay E. Turley and Roger W. Lavallee $750 Registration Area in loving memory of Paige MacKenzie Johnson CharitySmith Nonprofit Foundation $2,500 Lanyards Sponsor in loving memory of all children, grandchildren, and siblings Fireman’s 5K gone too soon in loving memory of Phillip Dean, Brian Collins, and the Fort $750 Bookstore Worth Chapter’s children and siblings Rod and Donna Mebane $2,500 Memory Boards Sponsor in loving memory of Emma Mebane Manhattan Chapter $750 Children’s Picture Button Copier in loving memory of all children, grandchildren, and siblings TCF Fairfax Chapter gone too soon in loving memory of all deceased children $2,500 Remembering Our Children: Community Candle Lighting $750 Sibling Hospitality Area Rosina Mensah Sara, David and Blake Tagget in loving memory of Kofi A. Mensah, Jr. in loving memory of “Kara” Tagget $1,000 Opening Ceremony $750 Butterfly Boutique Glen and Tanya Lord Karl and Sue Snepp in loving memory of Noah Thomas Emory Lord in loving memory of Dave Snepp $750 Raffle Area Mary Ellen and Dennis Sullivan in loving memory of Christopher Shawn Yost We Need Not Walk Alone|1 3

(The Mind-Body Connection, continued from page 11) Exercise warm milk, herbal teas, and counting sheep from 100 Getting physical, along with keeping the heart healthy, backwards. Another technique is the use of specialized sleep helps strengthen muscles and bones; reduces stress and DVDs, which use head phones to enhance the sound. lowers overall health risks. It also helps to expend some of the angry feelings and pent-up emotions. It is especially A word of caution, avoid alcohol and caffeine especially helpful during acute grief because it increases energy and after about 5 p.m. The stimulation can interfere with sleep. helps the body produce endorphins that elevate the mood. Finally, avoid strenuous exercise too close to bedtime, as Additionally, exercise helps facilitate rest and sleep which this also interferes with sleep. When all else fails and sleep can be elusive in early grief. If you have a fitness program does not come, consider seeking medical advice for sleep in place, you are already familiar with its benefits. If not, aids for short-term use, only. do yourself a favor, find a physical activity of interest, and begin today. Exercise a minimum of 30 minutes five Some of you may have the opposite problem—you find it days a week. Keep in mind that some exercise is better nearly impossible to get out of bed. You do not have any than no exercise. A simple brisk walk is an exercise that energy and you feel there is no reason to get up. Nothing requires no equipment, is cost effective and easy to achieve. seems to matter anymore. This is also a normal grief Other exercises may include any of your favorites such as reaction. Give yourself permission to do nothing at least for bicycling, jogging, dancing, aerobics, swimming, and weight the first few days. Then plan for a favorite activity such as a training. Be sure to get a physical exam before embarking movie, shopping, a massage, or visiting with a good friend. on a new exercise program. In the early months and years, it can be difficult to find anything of interest. In summary, this long difficult journey called grief is manifested in symptoms that result from the connection Rest and Relaxation between the mind and body. Careful attention to health Rest is extremely important because grief is hard work and issues during bereavement can help relieve some of the the body needs rest to repair itself. In the days and weeks normal grief manifestations and more importantly prevent a following the loss of a loved one, there is often a flurry worsening of existing disease conditions and prevent future of activity. There is also a desire to move faster than the health problems. brain and body is able to. Later on there is the desire to keep busy so as not to think of your child. These factors This is Part 1 in a series of articles on how to stay healthy contribute to the fatigue, which is so common in early grief. while grieving the death of our child, grandchild, or One way to get some rest and relaxation is to schedule a sibling. Future sessions will focus on relaxation and stress specific relaxation time in your day. Be sure to include time management, breathing lessons, safety concerns, and alone. Plan an enjoyable activity exclusively for pleasure mindfulness. and relaxing such as listening to happy music, reading or writing poetry, dancing, yoga or any of your favorites. Time spent observing birds, trees, flowers and nature in general is relaxing as is gentle exercise. Careful attention to health issues during bereavement can help relieve some of the normal grief manifestations and more importantly prevent a worsening of existing disease conditions and prevent future health problems. 1 4 |We Need Not Walk Alone

(TCF’s Transformation, continued from page 7) during that planning process will last a lifetime. In 2012, I was reelected for a second board term culminating last July, We were surprised when invited to become Regional when I became president. Coordinators for twenty Chapters in Virginia and the District Over the years, The Compassionate Friends has helped of Columbia. Working with other Chapter Leaders to resolve my family in many ways. In over 690 communities across a variety of issues proved to be a particularly rewarding this nation, dedicated Chapter Leaders and steering experience. In that role, Regional Coordinators have the committee members volunteer their time, energy, and opportunity to witness as their dedicated Chapter Leaders resources to comfort grieving families. Like police officers touch the hearts of bereaved people in their communities. and firefighters, our Chapter Leaders really do save lives. I Grieving families honor their loved ones in a multitude remember one in Virginia who definitely saved mine! of meaningful ways including planting trees, creating I have held many titles during my nineteen years in TCF, foundations or participating in TCF events. There is no but the most important one is “Tiffanie’s Dad.” That greater example of this than TCF Executive Director Alan cherished relationship drove me to get involved in this Pedersen. After the death of his beautiful daughter Ashley organization. It motivates me each day to do something Marie, Alan sought comfort from a TCF Chapter in Littleton, ensuring our daughter is remembered. Bereaved families Colorado. As a singer and songwriter, Alan began creating often worry their loved ones will be forgotten. Throughout heartfelt lyrics capturing the pain and emotions of losing the year, TCF provides many opportunities at the local, a child. Over the next decade, he personally visited over regional, and national level to honor our loved ones. 300 TCF Chapters and other grief organizations bringing Whether we are setting up meeting chairs or sponsoring a his message of love, hope, and survival to families across the country. Alan conference workshop, everything we do to honored his beloved support our Compassionate Friends families Ashley and the loved honors our own loved ones as well. ones of every family he A few years ago I spotted a man in an met along the way. amusement park wearing a tee shirt bearing I vividly remember photos of two teenage girls. The caption read, the absolute horror “My two beautiful angels.” I immediately of the early days after approached and assured him they were Tiffanie’s death. This beautiful. I then inquired, “Are they really fueled my obsession angels?” He openly shared the tragic deaths of to find some way to his beloved daughters in a car accident a few comfort struggling years earlier. He had attended TCF meetings families during the for emotional support. We were surrounded worst times of their by people laughing and having a great time, lives when desperation oblivious to two bereaved fathers standing and hopelessness can seem overwhelming. I began drafting a on a corner. Although we were strangers, a special bond survival guide to prepare grieving parents for the challenges formed as we openly shared the heartaches and joys of our they will face. My experience as a Chapter Co-leader, chat daughters’ lives. We were just two members of this amazing moderator, and Regional Coordinator provided keen insights Compassionate Friends family ensuring that neither of us had into many issues facing newly bereaved families. In 2009, to grieve alone that afternoon. I published Holding Onto Love: Searching for Hope When a An amazing transformation often happens as part of Child Dies with all profits to be donated to TCF. If I eventually the TCF experience. Instead of attending support group sold a few books, I hoped to raise a few hundred dollars for meetings to help themselves, our members keep coming TCF in the process. To my surprise, nearly eight hundred back to comfort others. After Tiffanie’s death, Kathy and I copies have been sold, raising more than three thousand considered TCF a “place” we went for help in desperation. dollars for TCF. As Tiffanie used to say, “Go figure!” In the years that followed, “compassionate friends” became In 2009, I was elected to serve as a member of TCF National an integral part of who we are. When that happens, the Board of Directors. Kathy and I also agreed to chair the meaning of “compassionate friends” goes beyond meetings, 2010 National Conference in Arlington, Virginia. We were conferences, or walks. Rather, it affects how we live our lives blessed to have a group of dedicated volunteers sharing our comforting other grieving families. That really is the miracle commitment to create a safe, healing experience for the of The Compassionate Friends. 1,350 people who would attend. The relationships formed We Need Not Walk Alone|1 5

TCF Closed Facebook Pages: An Extra Level of Support and Understanding for Our Bereaved Families by Cathy Seehuetter © c SkyLine /fotolia.com When it came to connecting to the Facebook world, I was a late bloomer. While Facebook was all the rage and others raved about how they found old friends, great new recipes, and shared photos with family from afar, I just wasn’t that interested. However, one day I was looking over my son-in-law’s shoulder as he perused his Facebook page and saw the shared photos from one of his Facebook friends who lived on the other side of the country. The ability to keep in contact with my friends from all over the USA was very appealing to me, especially those I had met while attending The Compassionate Friends (TCF) National Conferences throughout the years; friends that I only saw each summer at the next conference. Suddenly, it was very appealing. My son-in-law put a Facebook page together for me and I haven’t looked back! The advent of Facebook opened new doors for organizations such as The Compassionate Friends, giving them an extraordinary opportunity to be able to reach out in new ways to bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents through the convenience and speed of the Internet. It is particularly advantageous for bereaved families who live too far from a TCF chapter meeting site and therefore had little to no communication with other bereaved parents, siblings or grandparents. Through TCF/USA Facebook page, bereaved families could connect with others who truly understood this most difficult journey; one that only another grieving heart could understand. They now had empathetic friends 24/7 to bring comfort, understanding, support and hope with the knowledge that they do not walk 1 6 |We Need Not Walk Alone

alone. As Barbara Reboratti, a TCF Facebook group and Chapter Leadership. moderator stated, “In the darkness of grief, no matter day It is particularly helpful to be a part of a group that shares or night, there is always someone listening, sharing and the same relationship with the child that died, such as the caring.” death of a grandchild. Betty Farrel, one of the moderators Our first closed Facebook group, Loss to Substance Related of the Grandchild Loss closed group, shares, “Grandparents Causes, began in August of 2014. Closed Facebook groups are very appreciative of a closed group where other differ from the main TCF/USA open page (which presently grandparents can respond to their concerns because has over 154,000 “friends”) since you must request to join grandparent’s grief is unique; they are grieving for their the group. From there, the moderator of that group will grandchild and hurting for their child, and feel helpless.” To ask that person a few simple which, Jeanne Hale, questions, and then approve another moderator of them if they qualify for that It is a safe haven where these people, who are now that same group, adds, particular closed group. my dear friends, are all in this together. And I “The grandparents Once they are a member of a believe that many of the friendships I have made group gives them a closed Facebook group, only chance to express they and the other approved from being a part of this closed TCF Facebook their feelings without members of that closed group-though I may never meet them in person- having to worry about group can see the contents of how what they are will continue to be my cherished friends for many what is responded to, posted years to come. saying affects their and shared. What seems children.” particularly important to the The following comment came from a bereaved mom: “Being closed Facebook members is that if someone is an approved a part of the closed group, TCF – Loss to Suicide, has helped member of a closed Facebook group, the Facebook friends me in so many ways. I am able to talk about my child and from their personal page cannot view or read anything that the tragic circumstances of his death without judgment or they have posted in that closed group. This makes the group any stigma attached because they all have gone through virtually private and thereby making them feel freer and this much maligned cause of death. They truly understand more comfortable to share what is on their minds. my intense pain and sorrow, the shock and the constant One of TCF closed group moderators, Kathleen ‘whys’, and offer me comfort and support. It is a safe haven Willoughby, said, “I think the closed Facebook groups have where these people, who are now my dear friends, are all in brought together people sharing a loss who would never in this together. And I believe that many of the friendships I a million years meet in person. We have members from all have made from being a part of this closed TCF Facebook over the USA and several different countries. We often don’t group-though I may never meet them in person-will seem to have much in common, but we all speak a common continue to be my cherished friends for many years to language and a genuine compassion for each other. We come.” share photos and stories of our loved ones; we share hard We are extremely pleased to bring our members of days and hard-won smiles. Members come to the site daily The Compassionate Friends another means to connect for support and inspiration.” with other bereaved families around the country (and TCF presently has 13 closed Facebook groups which include sometimes the world) in order to give support and bring child, sibling and grandchild loss and varying causes of hope to each other through the digital world of Facebook. death such as Loss to Suicide, Loss to Homicide, Grandchild The link to the most current TCF closed groups is http:// Loss, Sounds of the Siblings (bereaved siblings), Infant and www.compassionatefriends.org/Find_Support/Online- Toddler Loss, Loss to Miscarriage and Stillbirth, Loss to Community/Closed_Facebook_Groups.aspx and we look Cancer, Loss to Drunk/Impaired Driver, Loss to Substance forward to continuing to develop new closed Facebook Related Causes, Sibling–Loss to Substance Related Causes, groups in the coming weeks. Only Child/All of Your Children, Regional Coordinators We Need Not Walk Alone|1 7

© dmitrimaruta/fotolia.com I am Sean’s Grandmother by Therese Starkey On Sept 1, 2002, I stood in the room at the hospital looking times in the past had my friends and family been there to into the face of my daughter Denise and seeing only pain. support me? When my parents and three of my brothers I knew I was about to enter into the black hole. I felt the died the support I received was what helped me the most. shooting sting through my heart as my daughter delivered the horrible news and seeing her I stepped immediately into As grandparents it is easy for us to get stuck in fix it mode. “fix it mode,” the worst decision I ever made. But that was We believe that we must have the answers and the magical my role as a parent – to fix things. It almost always worked powers to help those in our family heal. We not only carry in the past. Put a band aid on it wipe away some tears or a our own grief but also the grief that our child bears as well tight hug. It has been working for forty plus years. So, that as our grandchildren who are now bereaved siblings. We is where I stayed for at least the next two plus years, if only I certainly are caught in the middle and have big shoes to knew about “support mode” at that time. fill. It took time but I finally came to the conclusion that trying to fix things simply doesn’t work. I needed to be in It was very difficult to watch as my daughter seemed “support mode” which meant supporting my children and unable to smile or laugh. Denise always had a great sense grandchildren in their own unique grief journey while of humor and a smile that always made you want to smile seeking support for myself. “Support mode” is where we back. I listened to her, felt her pain and cried thousands of can most effectively help our children and grandchildren by tears with and without her. I yelled at God and wanted to grieving with them and learning to heal together. know how he could be so cruel to both my daughter and me. He was supposed to be a loving God. When I stopped When we support our children and grandchildren in yelling I cried out to him, I begged him to please give me grief, it allows us to know when they are ready to start to the support I needed. Wow! What a revelation. Why didn’t go forward in the healing process. Just like in our own I think about supporting and not fixing sooner? How many grief, we don’t try to push or rush anybody. Support mode 1 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone

considers the process of grief and allows the time and space will support you in your grief. We cannot help others until for each of us to take baby steps. Support mode gives our we have found support for ourselves. We need someone grieving children and grandchildren a safe place to feel who will just listen. The next most important thing is to every hurt, embrace every tear and yet welcome the warmth take care of ourselves. Exercise, eating well and taking care of laughter and smiles once again when the time feels right. of our health gives us the added strength and energy we will Slowly the smiles did return and the laughter too for all of need to help our family in grief. us. So what is my advice to other As a family we learned grandparents trying to fix together that grief doesn’t We cannot help others until we things? Rip the band aid off and have a time limit. As a have found support for ourselves. realize this is a forever journey grandparent it is a gift in that for us, our children and our we know our children - we grandchildren. Together, our can read their face and hear family has come a long way on it in their voice, we know every facial expression and what our grief journey. Denise started attending a TCF support their eyes are saying. Our grieving children cannot hide group twelve years ago and served as a Chapter Leader for their pain from us. Support mode makes it alright for us to seven years. Today, we are working together to help plan not hide our pain from them either. and organize TCF National Conference in 2016 in Phoenix, So I want to close by saying that the first step toward Arizona. To all my fellow grieving grandparents, always moving from “fix it mode” to “support mode” is to find a remember, You Need Not Walk Alone. aafriend or family member who understands your loss and When my daughter Kellie died I felt like I was dying too - the pain and emptiness paralyzed me. Eventually another mom found me and took me to Children’s Hospital grief group. I felt like I wasn’t alone. The problem was within two years everyone from when I joined was ready to move on. Move on- what is that?? It was a big disappointment even though some of us stayed in touch. But I had my son, family and friends and I just tried to get through each day. Then Mitchell died from a brain aneurysm. There are no words. My lifesaver has been Compassionate Friends. I felt like I was the only person that ever had a multiple loss, I found that many others had too. I always knew that there were people there for me and they would never go away- ever! Over the years I have given workshops and panels at Compassionate Friends Conferences and try to share my pain, hope and love with others. Joannie Kemling, Kellie & Mitchell’s grateful mom St. Paul Chapter, St. Paul, Minnesota We Need Not Walk Alone|1 9

Our thanks to the 2014-2015 Board of Directors Chuck Collins Glen Lord Steve Schmeisser Nivia Vázquez President Vice President Treasurer Secretary Fairfax, VA Nashua, NH DePere, WI Guaynabo, PR Barbara Allen Bob Burt Joan Campbell Ellicott City, MD Hemet, CA Waxahachie, TX Steve Czirr Heidi Horsley Brian Janes Spring Hill, TN New York, NY Olathe, KS Ann Khadalia Tracy Milne Coralease Ruff Concord, CA Sibling Representative Sun City Center, FL 2 0 |We Need Not Walk Alone Estero, FL

Dear Dr. Gloria, Bill, my 17-year-old son, was driving a van when he lost control and the vehicle rolled. His 14-year-old brother Todd was trapped in the van and rescued by the “jaws of life,” but was pronounced dead shortly thereafter. Bill was conscious during the rescue and has vivid memories of the event. It has been four years since the accident and he is still having nightmares about his brother’s death. Our pastor has recommended that we try something called EMDR to help him cope with the memories. Do you think it is a good idea? How does it work? Sincerely, Dianna Dear Dianna, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and it has been very useful in helping those who continue to relive traumatic events. Among those who report being helped are soldiers traumatized in the military and 9/11 survivors. It is a simple process administered by a therapist who has the client think of the memory while their eyes follow the movement of the therapist’s finger or other mechanism moving slowly from side-to-side. No one knows for sure how it works, but the process seems to change the brain’s connections so that the event is not relived, but becomes a memory. It will probably not be covered by insurance, but people have reported positive results in just one or two sessions. My heart goes out to you and your son. Traumatic memories can be disabling. Fondly, Dr. Gloria Dr. Gloria Horsley, MFC, CNS, PhD, is the founder and president of the Open to Hope Foundation an internationally known grief expert, a psychotherapist, and bereaved parent. Gloria cohosts the Internet radio show Open to Hope, at www.opentohope.com, and has authored a number of books and articles. She will be answering your questions related to loss, grief, and recovery for the bereaved parent/grandparent. Please send your questions to: Dr. Gloria Horsley, c/o The Compassionate Friends, PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 I went to my first TCF meeting three weeks to the day after my baby girl died. I was so thirsty for information. I was received with open arms and the members genuinely wanted to hear my story. I remember seeing this broken man sitting across the table from me, his son had died nine months before. I vowed to myself that I would not “be him” in nine months, I was going to get over this sooner than that. Of course I was wrong. It was about six months later when I noticed a change in this man. His eyes looked brighter, he held his head higher, he didn’t cry with every word he uttered and he even laughed. That was the moment in my grief when I knew there was hope. I didn’t have it yet and I couldn’t see it for myself, but I knew it was out there because I’d seen it firsthand. TCF has been my lifeline since the day I walked in their doors almost six years ago. Susan Peavler, Tori Jade Peavler’s Mom Johnson County Kansas Chapter We Need Not Walk Alone|2 1

© Vitaly Korovin/fotolia.com My Dear Friend, First of all, I am deeply sorry about the loss of your child. I wish I did not know much about grief but I too have been in the trenches of gutting sorrow. I will share however that I have learned quite a few lessons along the way and while I’d give them all back without hesitation for the safe return of my daughter, there have been many gifts I have received in the process of learning to live with grief. In 2004, my middle child died at the age of six from a sudden high fever. I know for myself that in the early days of my grief I was paralyzed not just by the agony of the loss of my daughter but to a lesser and yet also powerful extent by the fear that life would never be good again. Perhaps not unlike you, I felt I had won life’s lottery prior to my daughter’s death. Relationships were solid and life was on a delightful and natural course. Death made me lose all of my bearings and I found very few resources and people who were able to bring any sense of hope that life could and would be better at some point in the future. That, for me, made the grief even more insufferable. I lost hope for any future that did not include a diminished version of the life our family had prior to the death of our daughter. My experience with loss led me to believe that we all have three stark choices when we lose a loved one we thought we could not live without: We can DIE. We can EXIST. Or we can LIVE. Many, many people spend the rest of their lives existing for a number of reasons, not least of which is lack of resources out there to guide and encourage them through positive grief. I promise you, that if you seek hope, resilience, or faith that you will find them. I promise you. But I will share with you that one of the keys to getting there one day is giving yourself permission to find them. There are few books out there about surviving then growing and thriving after grief. This was frustrating and disheartening to me and it ultimately drove me to write a memoir of my own journey to embrace and live with grief. I shared my story simply because I needed something like it on my nightstand 10 years ago. I wanted HOPE. I wanted someone to take me by the hand and let me know that after all of the suffering that I might deepen and grow and emerge a better person than when I started grieving. Yes, despite that loss. Despite wanting to not go on in the early days after my daughter’s death I wanted to hear that someday I might truly want a different outcome. I wanted someone to assure me that all of the work of grief would not be for nothing. If I could not have my daughter back and all of the joys of her childhood then could I find a way to recapture the joy of living at 2 2 |We Need Not Walk Alone

least so that the time would pass more quickly that will bring your comfort. Grief requires until we saw each other again? us to push the envelope and look outside a bit more. That is a gift in itself though it may not It wasn’t easy. I can honestly tell you there is feel that way to you at the moment. still a large hole in my heart and likely there will always be one in yours as well. But what I know you will find comfort in ways I can tell you is that out of compensation for meaningful to you. Your relationship with your that hole my heart has grown larger. The hole child was unique. Just as all of our relationships is still there but there is room to carry love for are. Some of that will be preserved and never others. There is more capacity now than before. changed. That deep connection provided you No one told me that in the early days. No one with the gift of a solid foundation from which to told me I could be transformed into a better, build. I hope you will share your journey with stronger, wiser and a more enriched version of your friends and family. I know I will be out the woman who I was prior to my daughter’s here hoping and waiting for more inspiration death and that made the agony of the early days each day. We are so much to so many. For those even more difficult. (It can never go without of us with surviving children we owe it to them saying that I’d trade every ounce of this hard to get back in to life and to show up for them. won zest for life back without hesitation to have For me, that was what kept me moving initially. my daughter’s safe and healthy return but that is There was a lot of just plain showing up until not to be.) things slowly started to feel ok in small ways. Then in bigger ways. Then one day, life was There is more. I could go on and on. You must mostly good. And mostly good doesn’t feel at all receive many letters and I do hope there are like a compromise. Mostly good feels awesome. nuggets of wisdom and support in each of them. (There are also some that are terribly off I wish you all the best. I am sorry for your loss. base. Dismiss them. The intent of the letters Please know that you will be ok. Life will feel almost universally is to help. Often people just better again one day. You will smile and even don’t know how to deal with people like us. laugh easily. You will be a better version of Forgive them if they say the ‘wrong’ thing.) yourself. I feel that is an easy promise to make The outpouring of kindness of others that because I have stood in shoes similar to yours. I experienced in grief was another gift. It is encouraging to witness the embrace given so You. Will. Be. OK. You will be better than OK if freely from the community. I do hope that has you choose to be. been your experience as well. With kindest regards and sympathy, I can assure you that with the decision to dig deep and be resilient you will thrive. What that Sukey Forbes will require is equal parts looking inside yourself and listening to what Ralph Waldo Emerson Sukey Forbes is the author of the bestselling memoir “The refers to as the “wise silence” and equal parts Angel in My Pocket: A Story of Love, Loss, and Life After looking outward with an open mind for places Death.” She lectures on resilience and positive grief. For more information please visit her at www.sukeyforbes.com or you can find her on social media platforms as sukeyforbes. Compassionate Friends gave me a home to not only talk about Cam, but get to know other Angels and their parents. I have found hope and comfort in helping others on this journey. Pam Bird, Cam Langenfeld’s Mom Compassionate Friends of the Wabash Valley, Terre Haute, Indiana We Need Not Walk Alone|2 3

© veneratio/fotolia.com From the Ashes of Grief by Lana Golembeski In the early morning fog of a spring day The sunlight drifts slowly across the lake Lifting the dark shadows of night. The honking geese frolic in the early morning rays of sunshine While the birds sing of promises yet to come. Through the dark clouds of grief, Slivers of sunlight filter down. The pain and fear residing in my heart Is starting to give way To the hope of finding joy once again in my life. The warmth of the sun flows through my body And I now feel and see flickers of that joy. It is but a fleeting moment in my thoughts. But it fills me with the hope of perhaps Finding peace once again. The forever tears cleanse my heart and my pain. They pave the way for love and laughter once again in my life. My heart will forever be empty from the loss of my precious child. But the sparkling sunlight spreads light around that hole in my heart. Gentle healing is beginning; springing anew from the ashes of grief. 2 4 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Connect with Other Bereaved Parents, Grandparents, and Siblings Everyday on TCF’s Online Support Community The Compassionate Friends offers “virtual Chapters” through an Online Support Community (live chats). This program was established to encourage connecting and sharing among parents, grandparents, and siblings (over the age of 18) grieving the death of a child. The rooms supply support, encouragement, and friendship. The friendly atmosphere encourages conversation among friends; friends who understand the emotions you’re experiencing. There are general bereavement sessions as well as more specific sessions: Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday 9:00 - 10:00 AM EST 9:00 - 10:00 PM EST 9:00 - 10:00 PM EST 8:00 - 9:00 PM EST Parents/Grandparents/Siblings Bereaved Less than Two Years Parents/Grandparents/Siblings No Surviving Children 9:00 - 10:00 PM EST 9:00 - 10:00 PM EST 10:00 - 11:00 PM EST 9:00 - 10:00 PM EST Parents/Grandparents/Siblings Bereaved More than Two Years Parents/Grandparents/Siblings Parents/Grandparents/Siblings 10:00 - 11:00 PM EST Parents/Grandparents/Siblings Friday Saturday Sunday 10:00 - 11:00 AM EST 9:00 - 10:00 PM EST 8:00 - 9:00 PM EST Parents/Grandparents/Siblings Parents/Grandparents/Siblings Survivors of Suicide 9:00 - 10:00 PM EST 10:00 - 11:00 PM EST 9:00 - 10:00 PM EST Parents/Grandparents/Siblings Parents/Grandparents/Siblings Parents/Grandparents/Siblings 10:00 - 11:00 PM EST Parents/Grandparents/Siblings 9:00 - 11:00 PM EST Pregnancy/Infant Loss Visit www.compassionatefriends.org/Find_Support/Online-Community/Online_Support.aspx for more information and to register. We Need Not Walk Alone|25

Dear Dr. Heidi, Two years ago our brother drown in a swimming accident. Since that time my Mom has been very sad and at times hysterical, often saying that “life is no longer worth living.” My sister and I feel that not only have we lost our brother, we’ve lost our Mom also. It makes us angry, that she keeps saying this. She still has two surviving daughters, aren’t we worth living for? She’s not the only one whose hurting, we lost our brother, someone who we thought we’d spend the rest of our life with. Sincerely, Sisters Dear Sisters: My heart goes out to you, unfortunately this is a common issue that bereaved siblings face. I have heard this kind of story many times. When we lose our sibling it is often a double loss, because we lose the parents we once knew. It is very painful and hurtful to hear our parents say these kinds of statements, and often I think they are unaware of how it impacts their surviving children. Bereaved parents’ have no idea how hurtful it is for their children to hear them say “life is no longer worth living.” It makes many siblings feel as if they aren’t enough to keep their parents alive, and that maybe the wrong child died. The reality is, that parents’ would still be grieving, regardless of which child died. You may want to speak with your mom, and just let her know how hard it is for you to hear her talk like this. I would also suggest that your Mom listen to the Sibling Loss Webinars on TCF website, and attend TCF meetings, where she can get support from other bereaved parents. While it is normal to feel like life is no longer worth living after a child or sibling dies, if the person saying this has a plan to end their life, and access to the plan, they should dial 911 or go to their nearest emergency room. You have already lost your brother, I’m sure the thought of losing your Mom too is terrifying. It is obvious that you are all hurting and everyone’s loss is hard because you all had your own unique relationship with your brother. Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD, is a bereaved sibling as well as a psychologist. She is the executive director of the Open to Hope Foundation, cohost of the Open to Hope radio program, www.opentohope.com, an adjunct professor at Columbia University, and a national board member of The Compassionate Friends. She will be answering your questins related to loss, grief, and recovery for siblings. Please send your question to: Dr. Heidi Horsley, c/o The Compassionate Friends, PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696. I lost my first-born child and only son at the age of 35 years to stage IV colon cancer on Nov. 24, 2002, after a 38 month battle. I attended my first TCF meeting 6 months after his death. I was alone, not knowing anyone, but so badly needing someone to share my grief with, someone who truly understood because they, too, had lost a child. I needed someone willing and able to talk with and someone who would listen and understand. I found this at my very first meeting and have continued attending TCF for over 12 years. I have reached a point of acceptance and peace with my son’s death and am now trying to give back and hopefully help those who are new to grief or new to meetings. After 12 plus years, I am now the Chapter Leader of our Baton Rouge, LA Metro Chapter and urge any and every one on this grief journey to attend TCF meetings for support, love, help and a safe place to share one’s feelings and pain. Cindy Landry, Vaughn’s Mom Baton Rouge Chapter, Baton Rouge, Louisiana 2 6 |We Need Not Walk Alone

© GoodMood Photo/Fotolia.com The Empty Chair: Seven Lessons Gained in Sibling Loss by Amanda Wormann I never meant to become any sort of expert in The truth is, when my brother first passed away I sibling loss. That’s not a path anyone would felt like it was all about my parents. Often I found willingly choose for themselves. Back in high myself and others focusing on the sadness and school, I remember standing in the funeral home at grief that my mom and dad must have been feeling. my friend’s wake. After hugging his mom and sister, Sibling grief wasn’t a thing, or at least that’s what I stood there thinking to myself, how will they live Google and the self-help section of the bookstore through this? told me at the time. I was so wrong. A few years later, I learned the hard way. I was Our brothers and sisters are the first real living on the other side of the world when I got a relationships we have outside of our parents. He phone call from my mom on Mother’s Day telling was my big brother — my first friend and the first me that my brother Warren died. It was unexpected, person I learned to play with, share with, and laugh tragic, and I was all alone. I couldn’t get a flight out with. He was the first person who picked on me, of Tokyo until the next day and in those grueling, fought with me and taught me forgiveness. A life confusing and lonely moments I realized that the without him was never in sight. And I think that’s truth is, you just do. You just live through it. the hardest thing to get over. In the days and years that followed it was a crash It’s been ten years now, and I have learned a lot course in living life without my brother. I quickly during those years. Ten years is a pretty long haul learned that there were no books, no articles, no for someone who never thought they’d make it nothing. Nothing that could help me learn how to past day one as a freshly deemed 21-year-old only cope, know how to feel, or what to expect. No one child. Since then I’ve been lucky enough to develop really talked about the “left over kid.” beautiful friendships with a few dear friends (continued on page 28) We Need Not Walk Alone|2 7

(The Empty Chair, continued from page 27) choose-your-own-adventure of missed milestones can be who also lost their siblings. They feel pretty lost and alone heartbreakingly overwhelming at times. But life does go on. sometimes too. Why doesn’t anyone talk about this? I have friends that never knew him. I have a boyfriend Somehow I made it this far. Maybe not easily, perhaps not who never met him. I’ve lived in one of the world’s biggest always graciously, but I am here. And if you’re reading this, cities; I’ve lived in a teeny tiny cabin in the woods. I wonder you are here too. It’s my hope that these lessons I’ve learned what he’d be like, what he’d be doing, where he’d be living. I can help in your darkest days to find the silver lining. Even wonder what he’d think of me. I carry this sense of wonder if it’s just a small glimmering glimpse of hope, you can find with me in everything I do, but it’s my way of keeping him comfort knowing that those we love continue to be our life’s with me while living a life I know he’d be proud of. teacher long after they’re gone. There is no such thing as closure. The empty chair will You don’t have to be the super kid. For some reason, always be there. In our family, we are reminded of it every especially in the beginning, time we have dinner at the you feel like you have to take kitchen table and every on everything and suddenly The best thing you can do for your time the three of us go out save the world. Your world is to dinner and get seated at your family, and you feel like family is to be you, do things that a table for four. Something you have to save your parents. make you feel alive and be present. and someone is always missing. But now I look I have learned that you can’t at that chair and think to save them; they are living myself all I’ve learned, all I’ve gained, and how far we’ve all and breathing just like you and me, and there is no saving. come. You will always be stronger than you think. There is only being. The best thing you can do for your family is to be you, do things that make you feel alive and Be vulnerable and live your truth. We need each other. be present. Find happiness and help others. That’s what they In a time where we are carefully curating our life one filter hope to pass on to you, and that’s the fire in you. The best at a time, it’s easy to forgo our authentic self for the one we thing you can be will always be you. think the world wants to see. But it’s our true authentic self Parents are human. We spend our whole lives putting our who can make a real connection and impact others. That’s parents on a pedestal. But as we get older and go through the stuff that matters. our own hardships, we come to see our parents as human. Being vulnerable is scary, sure. But want to know what’s Coping with losing a child is something I hope I never scarier? Sacrificing our story for the doubters and critics. experience in my lifetime, and when I look back on what We are our experiences, and every piece of us was born my parents went through I remember the ups and downs of from something that happened to us along the way. Tucking it all. There were times I could see they were grieving and away the gifts we have to share in exchange for a false self coping in their own way, then grieving together, and now is no way to live. The best relationships I’ve developed were being stronger than I’ve seen them in years. I think losing a cultivated in openness, sharing the good, the bad and the child can make or break a marriage, and I’m so grateful that ugly. This vulnerability makes us human and reminds us that my parents have pushed through all of this and have gained we are not alone in our journey. We all have a story to share. a deeper respect for each other in the process. They are my strength, my rock, and my inspiration. Make time for the people who matter. Every one of us has the same 24 hours in a day, the same seven days a week, Life goes on. Sometimes it feels tragic to think about, but the same 365 days a year. It’s up to us how we spend this life really does go on. It’s hard to imagine life without the currency of our lives. We can either feel sorry for ourselves people we love and how wrong it is that he or she will not or feel grateful for all the people in our life. We can keep be on the sidelines cheering for us as we move through life. feeding quarters into the meter of our false selves or spend My brother didn’t get to see me graduate college, he never it on the things that matter. The people that love you love knew the career I built for myself, and he’ll never be at my you. They love the real you, the you you’ve always been, the wedding or see me have kids. I’ll never be Aunt Amanda you that you’re continuously improving, and the you that to his children, he won’t be there to comfort me when the you will become. Spend your time wisely. day comes that I have to say goodbye to my parents. This 2 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Anything can happen, anything happens all of the But in the end, you choose to live and beautiful things begin time. Life is short, life is scary, and life is beautiful. to happen. Every morning we wake up is a gift, every step Through loss, we are shown firsthand how all of it can go we take outside, every breath we take, every smile we share away in a split second. Perhaps the greatest gift and struggle with a stranger, every time we catch up with an old friend. I’ve dealt with is wanting to live every second. It’s beautiful Beauty is all around us. and paralyzing all at the same time. Sometimes this gift of knowing how delicate life is can start to feel too real. It Vulnerability, kindness, and sharing our story is so makes you feel stuck, anxious, and scared of losing everyone necessary. Being you is the best gift you can give to yourself you love. Sometimes I hold on too tight and worry too and the people you love, and as time goes on, you’ll realize much. Afraid to pick up the phone at times, fearful of bad that the superness was inside of you all along. news on the other end. I’ve even found myself trying to beat this game of life, to somehow solve it all and keep the Amanda Wormann is a Freelance Digital Marketing Consultant and Writer people I love around me forever. living in Waterbury, Vermont. More importantly, she is a daughter, friend and lover who believes that every experience, good or bad, has helped shape the best version of herself for the people she loves. Follow her on twitter at @amandawormann. I attended my first TCF meeting about 12 months after my oldest son, Ricky passed away in 2004. I remember the first time I attended, I could barely speak. I just listened as they went around the room and somehow it occurred to me for the first time, I was in a safe place to cry, to tell my story, to begin to heal. There were people from all stages of their journey and I realized if they could make it so could I. When I got that first hug from someone who not only said, “I understand” but truly did, was when I felt like I would be ok, maybe not that night but soon. It gave me a peace inside that I never thought I would find again. I heard them laugh and it made me feel like I too could start to laugh again. I became a co-leader for our Chapter for a few years and helped to create a memorial garden in our city. I can’t imagine those first few years without TCF in my life. Now, I try to give back anyway I can. Sue Rhodes, Ricky’s mom TCF of Lake County, Mentor, Ohio We Need Not Walk Alone|2 9

News from the National Office We thank our generous Sponsors of the National Office Barbara and Tom Susan and Gary Kathy and Chuck Paige and Steve Jean and Andrew Allen Chan Collins Czirr Garcia in memory of in memory of in memory of in memory of in memory of Jim Stallings Rachael Reneé Tiffanie Amber Abby Czirr Andrea Rose Chan Collins Garcia Mark Gedlinske Olga Kaplan Mary and Ron Laura Kraman Bobbi, Dennis Kausch in memory of and Tracy Milne in memory of in memory of Melanie and in memory of Jennifer Laughlin in memory of Justin Lee Clayton Andrey Litvinenko Christopher Andrew G. Milne Andrew Kausch Pam Bennett- Cathy and Greg Cathy and Greg Robert Shampo Linda and Ben Santoro and John Seehuetter in memory of Wallace Santoro Seehuetter in memory Austen Shampo in memory of in memory of Paula Rosino in memory of of Christopher Michael Wallace Nina “Chris” Seehuetter Santoro Westmoreland 3 0 |We Need Not Walk Alone

An Update from Chapter Services by Terry Novy I am incredibly proud of TCF’s Chapter Leadership. The many In 2014 we launched closed hours and hard work that our Chapter leadership invests in Facebook pages for TCF Chapter their communities is why The Compassionate Friends is the Leadership. The success of the page largest organization supporting family after the death of a is due to the constant participation child. The National Office is amazed to see the creative ways of Chapter Leadership and that Chapters raise the awareness in their area and support Regional Coordinators. This grieving families. I am touched by the many Worldwide resource has become very Candle Lighting Programs that are offered each year; many beneficial to new Chapters and of them attract an audience in the hundreds. The Chapter those new in a leadership role. newsletters, websites and closed Facebook pages are just a few If you haven’t joined us yet and would like to do so, please ways that TCF Chapters support their membership. I can never go on Facebook and search for The Compassionate Friends thank this group enough for their dedication and compassion. leadership page; we currently have 431 members. My thanks TCF’s Regional Coordinator Team consists of 61 volunteers to Debbie Rambis who is the page moderator and to all the all who have served in a leadership role and are dedicated in members who continually support one another. mentoring Chapters in their territory. As a team we reach out The Regional Coordinator closed Facebook page moderated to touch base with all our TCF Chapters to let them know by Cathy Seehuetter and Gail Lafferty continues to provide how much they are appreciated. Together we are here to lend the opportunity to network among the RC Team. an ear, or make a suggestion and always to remind them Thank you to all of TCF closed Facebook moderators; the when they are doing a great job. This awesome group also support you offer is priceless! This year marks my 19th year provides and presents Chapter Leadership Training Programs with The Compassionate Friends. I am very proud to support to better educate TCF Chapters within a 2 hour drive; this The Compassionate Friends and its mission. My promise is to year there are 17 regional programs planned. I am proud to continue to follow the vision statement of The Compassionate share that 45 members of TCF’s Regional Coordinator Team Friends ~ That everyone who needs us will find us and are attending the 38th National Conference in Dallas, TX. everyone who finds us will be helped. Hat’s off to TCF’s Regional Coordinator Team! Welcome New TCF Chapters: #2457 TCF of Forest Lake ~ Forest Lake, MN Chartered ~ 2/11/2015 #2452 TCF of Tecumseh ~ Tecumseh, MI Chartered ~ 10/28/2014 #2458 TCF of Lorain County ~ Grafton, OH Chartered ~ 3/23/2015 #2453 TCF of Texarkana, U.S.A. ~ Texarkana, AR Chartered ~ 11/14/2014 #2459 TCF of North Central Montana ~ Fort Benton, MT Chartered ~ 3/24/2015 #2454 TCF of Roanoke Valley, NC ~ Gaston, NC Chartered ~ 11/19/2014 #2460 TCF of Southeast Nebraska ~ Falls City, NE Chartered ~ 4/29/2015 #2455 TCF of Bay County ~ Panama City, FL Chartered ~ 12/9/2014 #2461 TCF of Clarksville, TN ~ Clarksville, TN Chartered ~ 5/7/2015 #2456 TCF of Stanly County ~ Locust, NC Chartered ~ 12/16/2014 Our thanks to the following Chapters for their generosity (Gifts received between October 1, 2014 - May 15, 2015) Circle of Love ($2,500-$4,999) Circle of Caring ($500-$999) Circle of Support ($200-$499) #1158 Manhattan Chapter #1308 TCF Fairfax Chapter #1469 Central Iowa Chapter in memory of their children, granchildren in memory of all deceased children in memory of their children, granchildren and siblings gone too soon #2212 TCF Twin Forks/Hamptons and siblings gone too soon Chapter #2100 Los Amigos Compasivos Circle of Hope ($1,000-$2,400) in memory of their children, granchildren in memory of all their children, #2316 TCF of Houston Inner Loop and siblings gone too soon grandchildren and siblings gone too soon in memory of the Inner Loop Houston #1598 Nashville Chapter Chapter’s Children in loving memory of our precious children #1498 Upper Cape Chapter in memory of all their children gone too soon We Need Not Walk Alone|3 1

2014 Worldwide Candle Lighting TCF of Northeast Arkansas Candle Lighting TCF Livonia Chapter Candle Lighting TCF Savannah Chapter Candle Lighting TCF St. Paul Chapter C Over 600 programs were held for our 18th Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting and over 4,000 messages were added to our 2014 Worldwide Candle Lighting Remembrance Book. 3 2 |We Need Not Walk Alone

TCF St. Paul Chapter Candle Lighting ©ivan kmit/Fotolia.com The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor the memories of the sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and grandchildren who left too soon. As candles are lit at 7:00 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of all children gone too soon. TCF Greater Omaha Chapter Candle Lighting Candle Lighting Join us on December 13, 2015 for the 19th Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting We Need Not Walk Alone|3 3

Over 5 © sal/Fotolia.com Years In by Bart Sumner It has taken me a long time to come around to the perspective Alan Pedersen so eloquently shared with me, “Don’t be angry at those who say, ‘Get over it.’ Rather, be happy for them that they are blessed to have never experienced loss like yours, so they simply don’t understand.” It is an evolved perspective, filled with grace, achievable only through tremendous love for our fellow human. I am pleased to say that I am probably 90% there. Of course, that leaves me with a healthy 10% of reflexive, jealous, bitter anger when I hear someone offer up one of those empty, careless platitudes. I am working on it. I swear. Really, I am. My 10-year-old son, David, died in 2009, but he is with me as much today as he ever was. “Normal” life has resumed for my wife Leslie, daughter Abby, and me. We live our lives and pursue our dreams, building a future of hope and love. There are no outward clues to the nightmare we navigate. In fact, even if people come into our home and see David’s baseball cap wearing urn, and the variety of pictures of him on the piano and on our walls, most are afraid to ask. I’ve come to the understanding that death, especially the death of a child, makes people uncomfortable. Apparently, the thing most people fear is asking questions that risk reminding us that our child has died. I don’t know a bereaved parent who ever forgets that their child died. I can however, offer a different perspective to those who cannot comprehend the extent of a bereaved parent’s grief. What follows is a chronicle of my thoughts in a typical day, five years after David’s death. Hopefully, it will also serve as a reminder to all of us still struggling to move forward, that we do not walk alone. Your grief is not abnormal or strange, and the fact you think of your deceased child all the time is completely and totally normal. 6:05 a.m. – My alarm goes off and I reach for my iPhone to turn it off. I rub away the last of the dream images as I bring the day into focus. It’s Tuesday. I need to get Abby up for school. Gotta let the dogs out. Catching my breath…I remember…David is still dead. 3 4 |We Need Not Walk Alone

6:08 a.m. – I turn on the lights in the kitchen, unlock the and smarter than you think. But the most important thing back door, and try to quiet the yapping dogs so they don’t is, even if we’re apart... I’ll always be with you.” awaken the neighbors as they run out to do their business. And then… that familiar feeling of tears begins to swell I turn around to go upstairs to rouse Abby, and see the behind my eyes. I feel the rising wave of grief and sadness pictures of the trip we took to Yosemite in 2007 hanging threatening to disrupt my day. I redirect those tears to by the basement door. I’m standing on a riverbank in my pool in a special compartment in my heart for a time when tie-dyed camping best, with David and Abby. We’re holding it’s more “convenient” to wallow in my sorrow. It’s a well- fishing poles. It wasn’t a great day of fishing but it was a honed skill I’ve acquired these past five years. I have been great day of fun and laughter. I had so much more to teach awake on this typical weekday morning for a staggering 30 David. minutes, and the reminder that David has died has gone 6:15 a.m. – I turn on the morning news. I make a cup of through my mind a minimum of six times. He’s been dead tea for my wife, as I listen to the local TV news anchors over five years. bantering about the local NFL franchise, and the millions We no longer live in the same state. The dogs that run about of dollars being paid to a star athlete. David died at football the house never knew him. My daughter, who is three years practice. I wonder if he would still be playing now. I wonder older than he ever lived to be, wears braces and lives on her what he would look like. I wonder if he’d be taller than me smartphone texting her friends about boys. David was still yet. totally unaware that girls even existed. In these five years 6:20 a.m. – I remove some bread we have done a great deal of from the pantry, and open the In these five years we have healing, but we have not gotten fridge to get sandwich fixings to done a great deal of healing, over it. Abby has discussed with make lunches for my beautiful me how it feels disrespectful, ladies to take to work and school. but we have not gotten over it. knowing that some of the good Turkey, cheese, mayo… No wait, things she has in her life may not mayo. Abby likes honey never have happened if David mustard… it was David that liked mayo. had not died. I always hug her and assure her that it’s okay; 6:30 a.m. – I yell upstairs to Abby again to get her butt out it’s all part of the life we are fortunate to still be living. David of bed. Some mornings she is harder to get moving than would want us to be happy and enjoying all the good things molasses on a frosty winter morning, just like my wife. he no longer can. David was more like me –he used to hate getting up in the David is with me always, and always will be. A big piece morning, but he’d always get right out of bed and get started of my life now is helping others through my non-profit with his day. It would always help when David got moving organization Healing Improv. I would not be in a position because it would get Abby moving, but …he’s never getting to help others if David had not died; it’s simply not a path up again. I would have taken. It is incredibly rewarding, but, and no 6:35 a.m. – I let the dogs inside from the backyard. I tell offense to any of you reading this, I’d trade it all to have him the big dog, “Go get Abby”. She runs upstairs and jumping back. If you’re a bereaved parent you understand that. You on Abby’s bed, licking her face with that horrible “breath” too, are on the same journey of survival and life. We do not she has. I gaze at the photos of our Yosemite trip, and walk alone. Peace, Light, and Laughter to you. smile, and then my eyes wander to the plaque above the Bart Sumner is a professional actor/screenwriter/teacher. His 10-year-old basement door. It has one of my favorite quotes on it by son David died in 2009 during a football practice. Bart is the creator and A.A. Milne, from Winnie the Pooh. I was unfamiliar with founder of HEALING IMPROV, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides no- the quote until David’s cousin used it when she spoke at cost Comedy Improv Grief Workshops for those struggling with grief. He has presented Healing Improv Workshops around the country for different David’s funeral. “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not grief organizations. He writes a blog at www.healing-improv.org and is together... there is something you must always remember. the author of HEALING IMPROV: A JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF TO You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, LAUGHTER which chronicles his personal grief journey, the founding of Healing Improv, and includes some of the games HI uses in their workshops. We Need Not Walk Alone|3 5

My Road to Sweet Old World by David Zeiger © R.M. Nunes/Fotolia.com How do you live with the unlivable? Learning told through my eyes, it was both the story of his to live with the death of a child is a lifelong life and world centered around his high school process, one that involves many pitfalls, detours, marching band, and of our relationship nine and, if we’re open to them, blue skies. For me, years after Michael’s death. a filmmaker, that process involves periodically revisiting the turning points on that treacherous I made several films and a TV series after road. that. Then in 2011 I revisited the aftermath of Michael’s death with Sweet Old World, my first My son Michael died on August 9, 1986. His narrative film. I worked on the screenplay for death was sudden and incomprehensible. He was ten years, tearing up many versions as I went. nine years old. His younger brother was seven. I was a thirty-six year old photographer, and “Sweet Old World is a unique and for two years after Michael’s death I could only welcome film. Drawing from his own photograph trash–the abandoned remnants of life’s tragedy, David Zeiger has created past lives. a story that is in turns heartbreaking and heart healing.” Shortly after that, I began making films. In 1995 ~ Gloria Horsley, Open To Hope Foundation I made a personal documentary, The Band, about Michael’s brother’s junior year in high school. As 3 6 |We Need Not Walk Alone

The reality is, it took me much of how you live with this that long to find the story I awful burden. wanted to tell, and to know \"An expertly performed I decided to tell the story of why I wanted to tell it. The character piece” a man, Brian Hinkle, who emotional landmine that is life couldn’t make that choice. after the death of a child is so Filmicability with Dean Treadwell Eight years after his son’s death complex, so unexpected, and in a terrible accident he has so frightening that it is rarely, I wrapped himself in the shroud believe, depicted well in films. of his grief and turned away To find my story, I went back from his life. He is, in Joan to a pivotal day I will never The road back is never the one you expect... Didion’s words, pathologically forget, a little over a year after grieving. Frozen. Not really Michael died. One evening, living, yet still here. home from work, I realized “Unblinking…A talented But there’s one “problem”– that for the first time since his filmmaker thick in a brave Brian has another son, Ethan. death I had gone an entire day Just seven when his brother without thinking or crying period of transition” died, Ethan’s own pain and grief about Michael. This was not have never been acknowledged a moment of joy–far from it. Howard Pousner, Atlanta Journal/Constitution by his father. Brian just can’t I reacted with horror at the allow anyone, even his own sudden realization that there son, into his dark cocoon. Their would be a time when I will go relationship, mirroring Brian’s days, weeks, months without life, has become cold and feeling the knife edge of his empty. death, when my grief will morph into something else. I wanted to explore what would happen to father and son It was as if Michael had died once again. Losing my grief if something, or some one, made it impossible to continue was tantamount to abandoning him, handing him over to living that way. Would they find a new connection, a new the myth of “closure” and the horrendous mantra, “Life goes relationship? Or had the rut of the past eight years grown on.” It was accepting life without Michael, an unacceptable too deep, too ossified? That’s the story of Sweet Old World. reality. It’s a film about finding the possibility for healing in unexpected, surprising places–and being open to those blue This is a moment all of us go through. It’s a time of great fear skies. and despair. And it is the juncture when you have to make Sweet Old World is available on DVD and Video on a choice, to decide to accept what will never be acceptable Demand on Amazon, ITunes, and at sweetoldworld.com. and find a way to live with it. The choice is terrible, but unavoidable. And the decisions you make can determine “I found Sweet Old World especially compelling in its depiction of how the death of a child resonates in unexpected ways through a family and over the years. This film could only have been made by someone who has endured the endless process of bereavement. The note of reconciliation on which it ended was the kind of resolution that we all seek. I was really moved by it.” ~ Dr. Gordon Livingston, author of Only Spring-On Mourning the Death of My Son We Need Not Walk Alone|3 7

Pay-it-Forward and Keep Your Child’s Memory Alive with a Memorial Fund by Tim Meadows © enterlinedesign/fotolia.com “A scholarship fund? Sure, that sounds like a great Chris’ death was that he would be forgotten. Chris idea,” I mumbled, not fully comprehending what had such a big heart, and I was proud that he chose it might involve. We were writing the obituary for a career to help others. I realized the memorial our son, Chris, and we just wanted to offer people scholarship could continue that quest to help others an option to donate to something more meaningful and it would keep his memory alive. and lasting than flowers. Two of Chris’ co-workers had suggested creating a memorial fund to help We decided then to set up the bank account for others pursue the career path Chris had chosen, the “Christopher Meadows Memorial Paramedic and at the same time keep his memory alive. Chris, Education Fund.” The money started to trickle age 24, a budding emergency services worker and in, and then hundreds of dollars turned into volunteer, died in 2009 when the ATV he was thousands! We always knew Chris had an impact riding overturned. He was responding to a medical on those around him, but it was gratifying to know call at Oceano Dunes in Central California. Chris that friends, family and co-workers cared enough to had planned to attend paramedic school that next support our fledgling cause and keep his memory fall. alive. We were humbled and overcome by the outpouring of love. It’s difficult to describe what it feels like to lose a son in the prime of his life. My biggest fear after We began our fundraising with memorial events, and it’s given us the resources to award scholarships 3 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone

to students like Chris. It’s is my personal challenge to already a 501(c)(3), you are spared most of the expense and increase visibility of our fund, seek corporate sponsors, stress of having to set up your own non-profit. secure donations, and interview candidates for the scholarship. I get tremendous personal satisfaction out of Three important points to keep in mind if you’re this work. It is my way of staying closely connected to my interested in creating a memorial fund: son, even after he is gone. I can’t think of a more powerful, meaningful purpose in my life. 1. Choose a cause that reflects your child’s passion and interests; pay-it –forward in a way that is most Each year more people are touched by Chris’ story and meaningful to you. our fundraising is more successful than the last. We are able to offer an increasing number of scholarships to more 2. Make sure you are up to the task; enlist the aid of people paramedic and EMT students than ever before. It feels so who can lend their skills to fundraising and event good to know that we are doing this in Chris’ name and that planning. people will remember him as well. 3. Use an organization like CharitySmith for set up and Follow the Rules maintenance; structure your fund according to IRS Keeping your child’s memory alive with a memorial fund rules for non-profits to avoid costly tax penalties. can be therapeutic and helpful on many levels, but it’s also a lot of work. Six years ago when Chris’ co-workers suggested a memorial fund, I couldn’t have imagined the healing power it would Frankly, not everyone has the available time or energy to have for me. It has helped me deal with the loss of a child make a fund successful. Make sure you consider what it and given me the opportunity to stay close to my son. It takes to run a memorial fund before embarking on this has created the “community of Chris Meadows” and aided “labor of love.” countless needy paramedic and EMS students. Best of all, Christopher Meadows will never be forgotten. By definition, a memorial scholarship fund should have not- for-profit status. While a lot of memorial funds are set up and If you’re interested in learning more about this topic, please approved by the IRS without a non-profit status there can consider attending our workshop at The Compassionate be severe penalties and personal income tax consequences Friends 38th National Conference, July 10-12 in Dallas, if the rules are not followed. The correct tax exempt status Texas. as defined by the IRS is known as 501(c)(3). I know from my own experience that establishing this status is not for the Tim spends the bulk of his time and emotional energy as administrator faint-hearted. It involves attorneys and accountants to set up for the Christopher Meadows Memorial EMS Education Fund. The fund the fund with a specific governance structure, precise record awards paramedic and EMT scholarships annually to Central California keeping, and filing tax returns each year. students pursuing careers in emergency medicine. Having raised over $150,000 since its inception, the scholarship fund most recently granted six Fortunately, I found an organization called CharitySmith scholarships in the Fall of 2014. (www.charitysmith.org) that help with the set-up and maintenance of a memorial fund. Since CharitySmith is Tim is married to Mardy, his wife of 37 years and has two daughters, Kelly 28, and Jen 25. Tim and Mardy reside in Santa Cruz, CA. In his spare time, Tim pursues his other passions, which include photography, travel, and cycling, while always striving to follow his son’s credo “Never Say ‘Why Didn’t I…’” About two months after my son Max died, I attended my first TCF meeting. At first it was hard listening to other parents stories because I was in so much pain myself. But as I continued to attend, the meetings helped me realize I wasn’t alone and there was help and healing there. These TCF parents shared of themselves and gave me “hope” that I could survive the death of my beautiful boy. Gail Lafferty, Max Christopher’s Mom Livonia Chapter, Livonia, Michigan We Need Not Walk Alone|3 9

In January 2000, my 17-year-old daughter, Lauren Marshall, was killed in a car accident and my world, as I knew it, ceased to exit. Finding a TCF Chapter in Leesburg, VA six months later and our family attendance at our first TCF National Conference in 2001, helped me start on the right path of my grief journey. As I listened to others tell of the loss of their children, I also listened to how they handled the difficult situations we all face after the death of our child. When I was faced with these issues, I had their experiences to draw on - helping me find ways to handle these many situations. I listened to people who were years along in their grief journey tell how they DID find joy in life again - giving me hope that I could not only survive, but could actually be happy again. I also learned that in helping others in their grief journey, you help yourself - probably the most important thing TCF has taught me. (My husband, Ralph and I chartered and served as Chapter Leaders and currently attend TCF Charlotte Chapter in North Carolina. We are currently Regional Coordinators for North Carolina. I was also Chapter Leader of the Leesburg Chapter for two years.) Donna Goodrich, Lauren’s Mom TCF of Charlotte North Carolina, Charlotte, North Carolina 4 0 |We Need Not Walk Alone

With sincere gratitude and deep appreciation, we acknowledge the generosity of the following individuals and organizations for their gifts to The Compassionate Friends. Your commitment and support are essential to fulfilling our mission. The following patron donations were received between October 1, 2014 - May 15, 2015. We Need Not Walk Alone|4 1

Simon Stephens Founder’s Patricia, Will and Eric Moore Larry Grayson Toni and James Ballard Circle ($10,000 +) in memory of Kyle Martin Moore in memory of Lucille Grayson and Don in memory of Nicholas Ballard Heidi and Don Overton Fisher Sheree Barnes Anonymous Donor in memory of Josh Overton Edie and Pete Happe in memory of Justin and Jamon Barnes in honor of Tracy Milne and TCF Helen S. Robinson in memory of Roberta Louise Happe Angie and Joe Barton Siblings in memory of Dayton Robinson, III, Heidi Horsley in memory of Denver Parvin Glen Lord John Hubert Robinson, Col. 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Michael Stephenson Donna and Rod Mebane Heidi and Mike Brandon Open to Hope Mary Ellen and Dennis Sullivan in memory of Emma in memory of Dave Snepp and Hugh in memory of Scott Horsley in memory of Christohper Shawn Yost Kelley and John Molitor Brandon Sara, David and Blake Tagget Liz Neumark and Chaim Wachsberger Bravelets Circle of Love ($2,500-$4,999) in memory of Katrina “Kara” Tagget Carmen and Jeff Pope Mary and Jerry Brickner Randie Walton in memory of Tom and Christopher Pope in memory of Matthew John Brickner Chuck Collins in memory of Michael Peter Walton Leslie Rolison Cathy and Paul Brustowicz in memory of Tiffanie Amber Collins, in memory of Delaney Leigh Rolison in memory of Brian Brustowicz two precious hearts and Morgan Circle of Caring ($500-$999) Coralease Ruff Ross Bryan Elizabeth Cooke in memory of Candice (Kandy) M. 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Dorothea and Stephen Dunham Barbara and Mickey Johnson Mary F. Miller Becky and Anthony Sciotti in memory of Brian Gregory Dunham in memory of Sandy Johnson in memory of David C. Falck in memory of Christopher Anthony Sciotti David Edelstein Sandra Johnson Kathy and Steve Miller Cathy Seehuetter Joan Fameree in memory of Mark Johnson in memory of Samuel Miller in memory of Nina Westmoreland and in memory of Jennifer, Ivan and Evangeline Nancy and Rick Kapko Peggy Monarch Chris Seehuetter Caroline K. Figenshu in memory of Brian “Bubba” Kapko in memory of John Monarch Elder Madeline and Robert Sharples in memory of Donna M. Kelly, Laura T. Mary and Ronald Kausch Donna and David Morrell in memory of Paul Sharples Kelly and Paula J. 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(continued from page 43) Marilyn and Tarun Arora Cindy and Joe Becer Barbara Borell in memory of Dhruv Arora in memory of Austin Becer in memory of Stacy Borell Aaron Adams Gwendolyn and Kenton Arps Betty Bechel Elaine Bottoms in memory of Dallas Schouten in memory of Carsten and Emmitt Arps in memory of Jason Bechel in memory of Daniel McAlpine and her Sue and Bob Adams Nicoletta Ascari Cynthia Becken grandchild in memory of Dallas Schouten in memory of Max and Nicholas Tory in memory of Daniel Becken David Boudreau Judi Adams Judy Assalone Cindy Becken in memory of Matthew David Boudreau in memory of Michael David Adams in memory of Vincent D. 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Breskman in memory of Anthony “Tony” Almeida in memory of Russell, Justin, Michael Jody and George Benkly Marjorie Brewer Sophia Altieri Baldwin, Oscar Russell, and Delores Russell in memory of Michael in memory of Douglas Brewer and in memory of Ian Matthew Altieri, Adam Susan and Robert Ballenger Faye Bennett Susan Brewer Daniel Altieri, Little “Clem” Paff, Haley in memory of Ben Ballenger in memory of Kimberly Ann Bennett The Breyan-Brissette Family Jennifer Paff and Stacey Michelle Green Brenda Balmelli Darlene Bensin in memory of Eric Jacob Breyan Linda and Tony Alvarez in memory of Jordan Day in memory of Becki Bensin Ilene and Jerry Brick in memory of Katie Lynn and Michael Gail and Howard Banner Cynthia and David Berger in memory of Alan Brick Alvarez in memory of Michael David Banner in memory of Adam Max Berger Yvette Kaczynski-Broda Sheri Amato Theresa and Henry Baranowski Andrea Berman and Mark Karas in memory of Ronald S. 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Anderson Charlene and Stephen Barron in memory of Timothy John Bishop Adrienne Brookstone in memory of Gordon Anderson in memory of Adam Barron Susan and Stephen Blackburn in memory of Gordie Brookstone and Sally and Ken Anderson Diane and Dan Barry in memory of Cameron W. Blackburn Dr. Horwitz’s Daughter in memory of Stephanie Anderson in memory of Tiffanie Amber Collins Dan and Martha Bland Debbie and Lamar Brouse Dawn and William Anderson and James Anderson in memory of Dan “Michael” Bland in memory of Mason Brouse in memory of Rachael Anderson Leslie Barry Davidson Ann Blandford James A. and Mary Jo Brown Cathy and Ron Andes in memory of Patrick ‘Ross’ Davidson, Jr. in memory of Patrick Blandford in memory of Glenn in memory of Christopher Andes Gail Bartley Patricia A. Block, MD Susan and James Brown Linda and Mike Angelo in memory of John David Stacy in memory of Samarius James and in memory of Andrew Adams Brown in memory of Melanie Ann Gehm Sharon Bartley Angel Taylor Mary Jo and James A. Brown Jane Ansaldo Church in memory of Adrian René Chong Bette A. Blondin in memory of Glenn Brown in memory of Kristina Erikson Pat Barwood in memory of Marc David Blondin and Karen Brown Marge and Steve Anzalone in memory of Kevin Allen Christopher James Blondin in memory of David Allbery in memory of Jennifer Anzalone Pauline A. Cleary Basil Cheryl and Michael Bloom Theresa Brown Debbie and Jeff Appell in memory of John Francis Cleary in memory of David Craig Bloom in memory of Mickey Lyn, Leila Yeley, in memory of Dale Dullabaun, III Kathrine L. Batjes Marta and Edwin Blumberg and Gump Brown Roberta Archibald Mimi and Merle Bauer in memory of Sandra Blumberg Cynthia Brown-Coyle in memory of Scott C. 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Joanne and Glenn Buehler Sherry and Jim Cattan Linda Colville Gina and Tom Cunningham in memory of Kevin Anthony Buehler in memory of John Ginter and Ty Wilson in memory of Ronald W. Necco, Sr. and in memory of Alec G. Cunningham Ms. Jeanne Buesser Janet Celly Brandon M. Necco Lois Curran in memory of Daniel Buesser, Randi in memory of Eric Johnson Donna and Patrick Combs in memory of Steven Craig Wagoner Finkelstein, and Nancy Garment Dee and Dick Cervi in memory of Matthew Thomas Combs Cara Curry Gary Bukamier in memory of Kimberly Ann Moret Mary E. 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D’Andrea, Sr. in memory of Becca Brady Gail Christensen in memory of Morgan Elizabeth Cooke in memory of Vincent J. D’Andrea, Jr. Lisa Cabe in memory of Chloe Moses Cord Blood Registry Sharon Danenberg Kathie and Gary Calandra Larry Christensen in memory of Clara Andrews, Sarayu in memory of Eric Danenberg in memory of J.D. Calandra in memory of Andy and Cameron Avula, Harrison Wang, Porter Vickie and Denny Sharon and Bill Caldwell Christensen Hamilton, Ryder Swinderman Ty in memory of Brian Danford in memory of Brian W. Caldwell Sharon Christenson Morris and Bara Tillman’s Baby Boy Charlene Dankanyiw Gerald Caldwell in memory Pamela Molatore Baggett Ms. Eleanor Cordeiro in memory of Todd Revells and David in memory of Jeremy Caldwell Barbara Christoff in memory of Jared Robert Cordeiro Dankanyiw Carol and Ed Callahan in memory of Brian Michael Christoff Martha Corta V.M. Darden in memory of Megan Ashley Doyle Ronda and Ron Christopher in memory of Gary Joseph Corta in memory of Joyce Richardson Stewart Gene Cameron in memory of Troy Christopher Susi Costello Sandi and Greg Darling in memory of Justin Michael Cameron Katrin Ciaffa in memory of Tigerlily Bridges in memory of Lisa Darling Debbie and Charlie Camp in memory of Kate Donahue Linda Coughlin Brooks Reed Darsey in memory of Charles J. Camp, II “Joe” Diane and Pete Cifaloglio in memory of Carei Ann Coughlin in memory of Johanan Darsey Mary Camp in memory of Lauren Cifaloglio Stella and Delton Courtney Cynthia Daugherty in memory of Zach Camp Gary Clark in memory of Kimberly Denise Courtney Edith L. Davis Jennifer Campola in memory of Travis Wayne Clark Mr. and Mrs. Leser L. 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Crook Stacey De Bisschop in memory of Catherine Cantrell Witt in memory of Max Clayman in memory of Debra Lynn Ferrua, Misty in memory of Tigerlily Bridges Sheila Capasso David Clayton Lynn Dollwet, and Michael Anthony Dollwet Chris De Francesco in memory of Donald Anthony Capasso in memory of Zach Clayton Brent Cross in memory of Joseph De Francesco Linda Caponegro Deb and Bruce Clements in honor of Joyce and Terry Cross Larry De’Angelo in memory of Kevin Caponegro in memory of Darcie Saint Clements Margaret and John Cross in memory of Larry DeAngelo, Jr. Linda M. Cardillo Sue and George Cobb in memory of Colleen Fay Cross Deborah and Gary Dearman in memory of Matthew A. Cardillo in memory of Brent Cobb Steve and Jean Cross in memory of Donovan Ray Dearman Mark K. 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Dellarmi in memory of Lorca Alexander Venetos Betty Cole in memory of Timmy Crowley in memory of Jed Christian Dellarmi Luisa M. Carrion in memory of Joe LaPrade John and Stephanie Crum Denise DeMoss in memory of Andre M. Carrion Wendy and Tom Coleman in memory of Lisa Crum in memory of Dustin DeMoss Rosa Carter in memory of Gabrielle Simpson Cerminaro Sheri Crymes Trina and John Derenbecker in memory of Luke Carter Robert Collicott in memory of Jeremy Crymes in memory of Matthew Pierce Dernbecker Patricia Cartwright Gordon Collins Monica Csorny Debra Dermack in memory of Timothy Cartwright in memory of Cynthia Lee Kessler in memory of Lauren Marie Csorny in memory of Melissa Ditta Suzanne Cassel Gordon Collins Barbara Culver Shelley and Jerry Deromedi in memory of Greg Cassel in memory of William Collins Shirley and Gary Cummings in memory of Jennifer Leigh Deromedi Sally and Roger Cassidy Eileen and Ray Collins in memory of Kevin Michael Cummings Rosemary and John DeRosa in memory of Danny Cassidy in memory of Gavin R. Collins Sandy and Dick Cunha in memory of Robert John DeRosa Marcia Cates Richard Collins in memory of Brett K. Shaad Lynn and Charles Derrick in memory of Kelsey Marie Cates in memory of Jessica J. Collins Jill and Tim Cuniff in memory of Michael Derrick in memory of Danny Cuniff (continued on page 46) We Need Not Walk Alone|4 5

(continued from page 45) Vicki and Gary Druchniak Estate Planning Council of Lois Follstaedt in memory of Jeffrey David Druchniak Charleston, South Carolina in memory of Patrick Maloney Joseph P. DeSantis, Sr. Robert Dufek in memory of Brian Brustowicz Claudia and Michael Ford in memory of Donnamarie DeSantis in memory of Joseph Dufek Linda Estrella in memory of David Stephen Forde and Joseph P. 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Hellett in memory of Matthew David Dion in memory of Cory Larson Hubbard in memory of Michael Golds and Jack Barb Halverson Amy Helm Ann and Steve Hubbard Mandy Goldstein in memory of Mike Halverson in memory of Jonathan Helm in memory of Christopher in memory of Molly Goldstein Barb and Reg Hamer Lin and Bob Helsel Lynne and Fred Hubley Noreen Gomez in memory of Paul Anthony Hamer in memory of John Finley Morris Julie Hudnall in memory of Laura Holtz Alice and John Hamilton Linda Hempel in memory of Tim Hudnall Rebecca A. Gonhue in memory of Danny Hamilton in memory of David Hempel Sherrill and Larry Huffman in memory of Blake Alan Gonhue Paula M. Hamilton Greg Henderson in memory of Damon Dean Huffman Donna and Brien Goodale in memory of Janelle Sabrina Hamilton in memory of Robyn Nicole, Gregory Kerry and Hugh Hughes in memory of Catharina (Tina) Goodale Deborah Hammel Adam, Kevin Sean Henderson and in in memory of Evan McNamara Hughes DeAnna M. Goodin in memory of Jeremy Philip Hammel honor of Jim Rowland Sandra Hughes in memory of Shawna Kaye Goodin Harvey Hanel and friends of Eileen C. Hendricks in memory of Michael Page Judy Gorham Koch in memory of Dr. Michelle Liggio Patricia Hultman in memory of Darrell P. Gorham in memory of Eileen Koch David Hendricks in memory of Alexander “Al” Hultman Dorene Goryeb Janet and Frank Hanig in memory of David B. Hendricks, III Barbara Husk in memory of Gregg Goryeb in memory of Adam Hanig Dena Hendrix in memory of Mark Husk, Charles Pape, Marilyn and Tim Grace Mary Ann Hanley Joby and Jack Herman Kim Johnson, and David Faberer in memory of Megan Candice Grace in memory of Michael Lawson Hanley in memory of Luke Herman Koreen Hux Pamela and David Graham Teri Hansen Roberta and Keith Herman in memory of Rose M. 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Stevens, III in memory of Robert Dean Hicks, Jr. in memory of Kara Lynne Irving Charlotte Green Cathy and David Harrington and Richard Anthony Hicks Janet Ivinson in memory of Glenn Menn, Jr. and in memory of Ryan Harrington Sharon Higgins in memory of Thomas Ivinson, Jr. Mathew Green in memory of Andy (continued on page 48) We Need Not Walk Alone|4 7

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Gillespie Beryl Kaminsky Leah Klusch Barbara LaSalle Alessandra and Robert Donlon in memory of Dawn and Chad Bushnell in memory of Robyn Klusch in memory of Benjamin Daniel in memory of Vanessa S. Jacques Gloria and Erwin Kamrath Raida and Roger Knapp Levinson Sheryl and Albert Jamail in memory of Tami Hess in memory of Eric Lorin Knapp Benita and Tom Lauri in memory of Jared William Jamail Robert Kaplan Cookie and Bob in memory of Christopher D’Agata Elizabeth and Michael Jarrett in memory of Alison Ruth Kaplan in memory of Dan Knechtel Kathy Lavignne-Weston in memory of Michael Jarrett, Jr. Paula and Marvin Kasper Susan and Jim Koch in memory of Matthew Joseph Mary Javarey in memory of Elaine in memory of Jacob Koch John Leary in memory of Nicholas, Hendee, Larry Katherine and Abraham Katz Betty and Stephan Koczan in memory of David Leary Bradley, Caitlyn Adler and Michael Maxine and Walter Katz in memory of John Anthony Koczan Carol A. LeBlanc Varone in memory of Samuel Katz Jet and Allen Kofoot in memory of David W. LeBlanc Charisse Jefferson Carol and Spencer Kauffman in memory of Katie and Rebecca Kofoot Kristin and Arnold Lee in memory of Haneef Jefferson in memory of Skyler Kauffman Judith Kolb Morris Ellen S. Lee Suzanne and Kerwin Jeffery Jodi and Marc Kavinsky in memory of Rachel Elaine Morris in memory of Stephen F. Lee in memory of Benjamin Kerwin Jeffery in memory of Jared Kavinsky Leanne R. Konawalik Legacy.com, Inc. Suzanne Jeffery Diana J. Kaye in memory of Ryne Matthew Konawalik Kelly and Jacob Leger in memory of Benjamin Kerwin Jeffery in memory of Kim Achillo and Michael Gloria Kopec Campe in memory of Lane Michael Leger aka ‘Bent’ Robson in memory of Marc Philip Montague, Carolyn Lekas Poirier and James Lekas Janet Jenkins Douglas Keck Alexandra Michelle Eddy-Miller and in memory of Patrice Carolyn Lekas in memory of Alan Jenkins in memory of Susie Facini Josh Esformes Ginny and Gary Lensing Louise and Phil Jenkins Paul J. Keefer Shirley and Gene Korth Irving Leon in memory of Teresa Jenkins Carson in memory of Rielyn Grace Maynard in memory of David Copeland Patricia and Ron Leonard Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Jaske and Theresa Lynn Keefer Irene Kostetsky in memory of Kevin Leonard in memory of Alyssa Grace (Jeske) Dobson Barbara Keegan Patricia L. Kovach Dolores Leszczak Maria Jimenez in memory of Robert M. Keegan in memory of Michael T. Kovach in memory of John Leszczak, Jr., Debie in memory of Adrian Joseph Jimenez Ruth P. Keeling Debbie and Vince Kozsdiy Marosi and Jacob Marosi Terry and Andy Johnson in memory of Cory James Keeling in memory of Aileen Kozsdiy Ann Letheby in memory of Brian Husted Johnson Mark Keep Lisa and Dan Krall in memory of Matthew Ryan Letheby Barbara and Donald Johnson in memory of Alissa Nicole Keep in memory of Peter Joseph Krall and Earl Letheby in memory of Donald Jeffrey “Jeff ” James Bo Kelly Susan and Harvey Krauss Barb and Fred Levantrosser Johnson in memory of Casey Kelley in memory of Mitchell S. Krauss in memory of Christopher Burnham Deb and Bob Johnson The Kelley Family Mary Krill Lori Levine in memory of Bo Johnson in memory of Matt Thorne and in in memory of John J. and Joel J. Krill in memory of Ethan Hassel Susan and Carl Johnson honor of Hershal and Marla Kelley Ronald Kubista Susan and Robert Levy in memory of Michael D. Johnson Peter and Linda Kelley in memory of Glenn Kubista in memory of Chandra Levy Carol Johnson in memory of Jason Christopher Kelley Valerie and Robert Kurtz Jan and Steve Lewis in memory of Jay Johnson and Sarah Ohearn in memory of Jason in memory of Danny Lewis Donald C. Johnson James Bo Kelley Audrey Labiche Cheryl and Walt Lewis in memory of Donald Jeffrey Johnson in memory of Casey Kelley in memory of Mark Anthony Labiche in memory of Randy Lee Lewis Gwendolyn L. Johnson Linda and Peter Kelly Connie and Bill Lackey Cheryl J. Lichtenthal in memory of Antonio F. Cid in memory of Tara Kelly in memory of Adam Noble Lackey in memory of Jared Lichtenthal Kimberly Johnson Tom and Shirley Kelly Nancy LaFave Frank and Kathleen Lichtkoppler in memory of Nathaniel Johnson in memory of Kristine Marie Kelly and in memory of Randy LaFave in memory of Gretchen Marie Patty and Dr. Mark Johnson Paul McCutheon Nancy and Dean Laffey Lichtkoppler in memory of Matthew W. Johnson Helene Kendall in memory of Philip Laffey Carol Lieberman Marsha Johnson in memory of Stephen Kendall Lee Ann and Rick Lamb in memory of Daniel Lieberman in memory of Joan Walen Mary Kenlon in memory of Katie Lamb Raye Liebert Pamela Johnson in memory of David Kenlon Strand Carol and Larry Lamothe in memory of Mark Andrew Liebert in memory of Lori Jean Campbell Christine M. Kenney in memory of Mark Stephen Lamothe Helen Linden Michele and Steve Johnson in memory of Steph Kenney Donna and Tom Lancaster in memory of Matthew Joshua Linden in memory of Lindsay Marie Johnson David, Luisa, and James Kennison in memory of Shane Lancaster Connie and Darrell Lindner Amanda and Larry Johnston in memory of Ellie Kennison JoAnn and Joe Landers in memory of Angela Lynn Lindner in memory of Alexander and Brice Kathy Kerdus in memory of James Landers Christina Linn Johnston in memory of Erin Dickman Patty and Ron Landman in memory of Darcie Sims Lucy and Steven Johs Susan and Richard Kerkering in memory of Elijah, Patrick, Hazel and Delia and Peter Linstrom in memory of Nicky Johs in memory of Drew Veronica Landman and Damien and in memory of Maria Cristina Linstrom Marcia and Charles Jones Sheila and David Kerr Ellen Kraemer Tamara and Terry Liptow Susan and David Jones in memory of Rose M. 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Lorraine Lloyd Susan Mansur Lucinda McCue Mr. and Mrs. Richard Mitchell in memory of Gregory James Lloyd in memory of Blaize Mansur in memory of Danny Richards in memory of William Alexander Lewis John Logue Bonnie and Jarmo Mantyla Kelly McCune Mitchell Maureen Lok in memory of Alex Johannes Mantyla Kathleen McDaniel Nancy and Richard Moeller in memory of Jessica Lok Joan and Joel Marcus in memory of Terry and Wayne Harris in memory of David and Kevin Conway Vickie Lombardo in memory of David Marcus Barbara McDonald Juliann and Richard Moeller in memory of Tiffany Riddle E. Anthony Mareshie in memory of Sean Christopher McDonald in memory of Terri Lynn Moeller Kim and Charles Loutsch in memory of Autumn and Lauren Gail McDonough Betsey and Robert Mohlenbrok in memory of Amy Loutsch Mareshie in memory of Kevin McDonough in memory of Michael and Thomas Margie Loveland Claudia and Joseph Margitay-Balogh Megan McElroy Suzanne and Rodney Moll in memory of Nicholas Michael Walls in memory of Justin Margitay-Balogh in memory of Emily Ann McElroy in memory of Lori Catherine Moll Patricia and LeRoy Lovesee Nilsa “Evie” Mariano Mary Jo and Michael McFadden Nancy L. Molle in memory Troy T. 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Markel Rhonda, Jeff and Emily McKenna in memory of Corey Brian Fetzer-Londer in memory of Courtney Ann Mayer Dolores and Lee Markham in memory of Tracy Ragan McKenna Judy K. Moore Lorie Lundblad in memory of Tiffany Rose Markham Claude A. McKibben, Jr. in memory of Karen Moore Hayden in memory of Brian Summerson Joan Marlow in memory of Corey Allen McKibben Summer and Kenny Moore Abby Lupton in memory of Gwyn Marlow Sullivan Tanya McKnight in memory of Joshua R. Moore in memory of Timothy Lupton-Stegall Mary L. Marlowe in memory of Destiny Marie Jane and Lloyd Moore Kathleen Lutes in memory of Benjamin Rush Marlowe Mary McKown in memory of Gregory Lloyd Moore in memory of Kelsey Ann Lutes Veronica and George Marosi in memory of Michael McGarvey Polly and Mac Moore Lila and John Lynch in memory of Kristine Ann Marosi Pat and Bill McLain in memory of Lauren and Samuel Moore, in memory of Justin “Jay” Janz Colleen Marrero in memory of Gary J. McLain Norma Martin Jones, Barbara Martin Mark Lynch in memory of Jared Cordeiro-Paquette McLelland & Russell, PLLC Boatright and James Leon Thornton in memory of Monica Lynch Yolanda and Randy Marsh in memory of Chelsea Lapka Sara and Brian Moorhead Joyce and Martin Maatz in memory of Stephanie Lauren Marsh Mr. and Mrs. Robert McMahon in memory of Rose Zarth in memory of Kai Edward Maatz Edith Marshall in memory of Meaghan McMahon Edward Morawetz JoAnn Machon in memory of Mary Elizabeth Marshall Donna and Chuck McMillan in memory of Christopher Morawetz in memory of Madison Jo Gecho Gloria Marshall in memory of Travis McMillan Maria Morgan Jayne MacKay in memory of Nicholas Baumann Pam McMillan in memory of Jessica Ashley Parker and in memory of Gracie MacKay Rita and Paul Marth in memory of Cindy McMillan-Borquez Alex Deborah and Scott Mackley Sharon Martin Phil McQuaid Linda and Larry Moris in memory of Christopher Scott Mackley in memory of Danielle L’Helgoual’ch in memory of Mike McQuaid in memory of Larry Matthew Moris Brenda and Don MacLean Marisela Martinez David J. 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Moseley in memory of Tyler Madoff in memory of Joseph Mattero and Peter Patricia Merkel in memory of Erika Lynn Moseley Linda Magnussen Mattero in memory of Joannie Merkel John Mosier in memory of Timothy and Little Larry Gabriele Matull Worst Irwin G. Michelman in memory of Eileen Koch Magnusson Robin May-Davis in memory of Elizabeth Ann Michelman Arnie Moskowitz Pat G. Magyary Catherine Mazuroski Microsoft Giving Campaign in memory of Michael in memory of Steven Geoffrey Magyary in memory of Kennth S. Kulik, Edward Susan Miduri Sue Mosquera Jim Mahoney J. Kulik, Thomas F. Kulik, Stephen M. in memory of Nicholas Morret Kenneth S. Moss in memory of Susan Mahoney Mazuroski, Kayla Ogorek, and Michael Jane and Dave Milam in memory of Elisa Ann Moss Gabrielle Majewski McCloud in memory of David Milam Janet Mossbarger in memory of James J. Majewski Karen McCann Jeanne Miles in memory of Samantha Lane Bob Malkowski in memory of Ryan Joseph McCann and in memory of Jimmy Holes Cathleen Motta in memory of Thomas Malkowski Kevin John Gradoni Elizabeth and Bruce Miller in memory of Thomas P. Powers Chris and Steve Malley Anna and Mark McCarthy Marilyn Miller Marybeth and Bill Mueller in memory of Kevin William Malley in memory of Michael Sasso in memory of Scott A. and Jeffery L. in memory of Gretchen Mae Mueller Kathy and Patrick Malone Jane and Steve McCartney Miller Diana Muldrow in memory of Lance, Scott and Erin in memory of Erin M. Nusbaum and Tracy Milne in memory of Elyse Muldrow-Williams Malone Max Nusbaum in memory Andrew G. Milne Kristin and Benny Mullins Kathleen J. Manella Barbara McClenahan Patty Mini in memory of Andrew Mullins in memory of Daniel Edward Manella in memory of David C. McClenahan in memory of Timothy Richeson Elizabeth Munoz Renee Manger Wendy and Bob, McCloskey Nancy Miniaci in memory of Zach Larson Barbara and Robert Mangold in memory of Macie Grace McCloskey in memory of Jason S. Cahill Anita Muonio Sylvia A. Mann Clarie McCoy and Jim Stoops Jerry Minkin in memory of Joseph Muonio and in memory of Elise Mann in memory of Amy Lynn Sturgill in memory of Jason Minkin Cachariah Muonio Sally and Bob Mannion Stephanie and Todd McCrery Johnnie Mitchell Elisabeth and Salvatore Murolo in memory of Kevin Mannion in memory of Olivia Nicole McCrery in memory of Derek J. Mitchell in memory of Sergio Murolo (continued on page 50) We Need Not Walk Alone|4 9

(continued from page 49) Judy O’Connor Barbara J. Parsons Shirley Potter in memory of Thomas O’Connor in memory of Robert David Parsons Scott Powell Cheryl Murphy Marianne and Bill O’Connor Partners By Design in memory of Grace Ann Powell in memory of Patrick J. Murphy, Jr. in memory of Kelly Ann O’Connor in honor of Gary Parmenter Lori Power Sue and Don Murphy Winnie O’Connor Ann Armstrong Patterson and David in memory of Justin Kyle See in memory of Jessica Lee Murphy in memory of Brian O’Connor Patterson Jeanne and Jim Prendergast Joan E. Murphy Marilyn and Henry O’Donnell in memory of Jefferey Armstrong Patterson in memory of Bernice Lamont in memory of Steven Patrick Murphy in memory of John Patrick “JP” Kevin Paulich Cheryl Pressly Julie and Patrick Murphy O’Donnell Ginger and Lenny Paulson in memory of Angela Pressly George in memory of Ryan Murphy Janet and Patrick O’Donnell in memory of Brian T. Paulson Karen Pressman Denise and Art Murr in memory of Brian O’Donnell Dan Pearson in memory of Carlos in memory of Matthew Evan Murr Kathleen O’Hara in memory of Justin V. Pearson LeeAnn and Davide Price Kathleen and Vincent Mustica in memory of Elizabeth Mary Ibanez Gena Pearson in memory of Dustin B. Price in memory of Michael Mustica Susan and edward Ohlson in memory of Micheal Joseph Stansbury Jr. Vic and Pat Pritchett Patrick Myers in memory of Augie Ohlson Louise Pearson in memory of Matt Paul in memory of Conrad Blake Myers Connie and Darrell O’Kelley in memory of Nathan Ertz Karen Protiva Anne Nadel in memory of Maureen Nicole O’Kelley Therese Pedemonte in memory of John A. Protiva in memory of Bathen Austin Sherry Oliphant in memory of Luke Pedemonte and Alex Shirley Pruitt-Streetman Elinor and Tetsuo Najita in memory of Trey and Landrum Oliphant Hopping in memory of Gary Pruitt in memory of Mie Kim Najita Judy Olitsky Vicki and Peter Pellerito Mr. and Mrs. John Puchnick Janet Neal in memory of Aaron Samuel Olitsky in memory of Annemarie Pellerito in memory of John J. Puchnick in memory of Joshua Neal Elaine Olshausen and Avery Marder Kelly and Victor Pelster The Puga Family Mary and Patrick Neary in memory of Abigail Rachel Marder in memory of Erin Krystal Pelster in memory of George Puga, Jr. in memory of Aidan Neary David Olson Lois Peralta Jean and Bob Puglia Cleaster and Kenneth Neely Kathy O’Malley in memory of Laurie Ann Wagner Peralta in memory of Derick James Springer in memory of Kimberly Neely in memory of Kristin Van Amen Maria Perez Medina Margaret and Bernie Puglisi Sandy and Bernie Nelson Maura and Dave O’Neil in memory of Brianna Alexandra in memory of Scott Puglisi in memory of Richard Nelson in memory of Jeff O’Neil Sara J. Perkins Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Puricelli Betty Nelson Doris O’Reilly-Dillon in memory of Peter M. Perkins in memory of Emilie E. Puricelli in memory of Mark Stephen Nelson in memory of Heather Dillon Barb and Steve Perlowski Charlotte Quaintance Carrie Neslon George and Sharon Orff in memory of Donna Hoffman and in in memory of Ross Quaintance in memory of Seth David Nelson in memory of Rachael Reneé Chan honor of Jun Janssen Richard Quaintance JoAnne Nelson Karen O’Rourke Bonnie and Charlie Perotti in memory of Ross Quaintance in memory of Dianna Jene Nelson in memory of Carrie Scott Ortiz in memory of Keri Perotti Judythe Rachlin Nancy Nelson Norberto Oseguera The Perrin Family in memory of Susan Lisa Rachlin in memory of Mark Whitehill in memory of Andrew Oseguera in memory of Eric Perrin Jennifer and Scott Radosevich Rebecca Nelson Sylvia and Cliff Ossorio Christine and Arliss Perry in memory of Benjamin Radosevich in memory of Scott Nelson and Michael in memory of Trinka Micol Baggetta in memory of Zachary James Perry Paula and Eugene Radtke Clinton Carl Ostoin Shirley and Leonard Peters in memory of David L. Radtke Elvina Nesbitt in memory of James Ostoin in memory of Marie L. Peters Prill Doreen and Patrick Raftery in memory of Jeni Nesbitt Blake Marilyn and George Oswald Pamela Petersen in memory of Coleen Marie Raftery Mary Neuhoff in memory of Steven G. Oswald in memory of Kaycee-Jo Petersen Mary Ann Rainey-Wannemacher in memory of baby David, Kristine and Betty and Merlin Oswald Cynthia Peterson in memory of Bill Rainey Diane in memory of Tessie Jo Oswald Harris in memory of Jeffrey, David and Baby Marlene Rakeman Paul Nied Leila Otey Peterson in memory of Wesley A. Rakeman in memory of Maria Nied in memory of Brad Spelman Lisa and Dan Peterson Siham Ramadan Krysti and Martin Nienhueser Carl S. Oto in memory of Daniel John Ramirez Rachel Raney and Esteban Bortiri in memory of Chad Nienhueser in memory of Caitlin Nalani Oto Joyce Peterson in memory of Leo Bortiri Etta and Chuck Nissman Mary Anne Owens in memory of April Nicole Burnett Dianne Ranick and Chris Craiker in memory of Jeff Nissman in memory of Mary Kay Owens and Betsey and Patrick Petit in memory of Ryan Todd Craiker Mr. and Mrs. Ken Noller her dad in memory of Sarah Ellen Petit Anne and Bert Raphael in memory of their son Robin and Pete Padavana Sharon and Bill Pevsner in memory of their daughter Jeannie and Rich Nolte in memory of Peter J. Padavana in memory of Jeffrey J. O’Brien Susan Rapp in memory of Kevin Davis Rao Palagummi Karen Peyton in memory of Eric R. Lawton Lori and Mel Nonn in memory of Padma Priya Palagummi in memory of Kevin Peyton Vicki (Sheckman) Raske in memory of Cory “Fish” Nonn Dolores and Robert Palmer Dee and Al Phillip in memory of Todd A. Sheckman Jeanette Norden in memory of James Robert Palmer in memory of Jason Orson Phillip Sharon and Chris Rasmussen in memory of Paige Gibson and Ryan Ted and Mary Palmer Mr. and Mrs. Robert Phillips in memory of Adrian Rasmussen Wiseman in memory of Mark Christopher Palmer in memory of Robert Phillips, Jr. Nancy Ratay Ron and Fredi Norris Diane and Richard Panke Janis and Bud Pizer in memory of Brandon Robert Ratay in memory of Alex Benjamin Norris in memory of John Richard Panke in memory of Jennifer Pizer Micki and Bob Rathjen Mary Jo and Michael Nowobilski Cindy and Steve Parent Cheri and Gerry Plath in memory of Dorothy Danielle Rathjen in memory of Michael Nowobilski, Jr. in memory of Timmy Parent in memory Mark Todd Plath Carol and Mike Ray Lois V. Nyman Mary Ellen Parker Anne and Steve Platt in memory of Joshua Michael Ray in memory of Larry and Shari in memory of Robbie Parker in memory of Jeanne Marie Platt Carol Raymond Joan and Bob Nypaver Nancy Parker Billie Poindexter in memory of Geoffrey Rau in memory of Theresa Marie Nypaver in memory of Olivia Leigh Brindle in memory of Mandy Folsom, Marissa Elisabeth and Greg Reed Ellen and Charles Oakley Taylor Stotler and Mason Kaufman in memory of Kevin M. Reed in memory of Dale T. Oakley Shirley Parks Lynn and Joseph Pokrifka Bonnie Reese Debbie and Rick Oberhofer in memory of Dimitrios “Dimitri” Judith and Charles Polio Cookie & Cote Reese in memory of Sara Michelle Oberhofer Alexander Parks in memory of Carol Ann and J. Michael Polio in memory of Tania Trepanier Diana Obrokta Thomas T. Parnell Sue and Ken Porizek Linda Reeves in memory of Olivia Claire Obrokta in memory of Mark Parnell in memory of Jeffrey Michael Porizek in memory of Marc Philip Montague Ochoa Family Amy and Mark Parsky Nancy Posner and Alexandra Michelle Eddy-Miller in memory of Manuel Ochoa in memory of Matthew A. Parsky in memory of Melissa Posner 5 0 |We Need Not Walk Alone