WNNWA | Winter-Spring 2011-2012

Winter 2011/Spring 2012 u Storing Your Digital Memories u I Celebrate u Drug-Death Bereaved Parents u Where Is My Miracle? u 5th TCF International Gathering/ u My Worldwide Candle Lighting® 35th TCF/USA National Conference Experience u A Grandparent’s Grief u Mourning and Grieving u Two Years u Baseball and Life u What If? u Book Review u When You Stop Asking Why u To My Brother Happy Again! u Permission Granted u Seasoned Grievers u Grief, Healing, and Time u The Eternal Legacy of Names WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 1

FROM THE EXEC’S DESK When Couples Grieve I Bereaved individuals remember all too well that with life, but merely defining moment when their lives were forever changed. going through the motions. For some, it started with a knock on the door or a call in the middle of the night. For me, it was the moment of I sought comfort in my grief. impact, the surreal sound of metal hitting metal, as my car seemed to move in slow motion to its final resting I wanted Wayne to “fix” what place twenty-six feet from where it began. had happened. I wasn’t sure how In those days I was naive. I thought I was living in a perfect world. A great husband, two wonderful he was supposed to do that, but I By Pat Loder children—a little girl and a little boy. We were living the American dream. Bad things don’t happen to wanted him to fix it! Wasn’t that good people, or so I thought. So, as ambulance after ambulance arrived on the scene to treat my children and his job? After all, he was the husband, the protector, the me on the first day of spring many years ago, the thought never occurred to me that my children could or would great problem-solver, right? He did such a wonderful job die. My mind just didn’t go there. handling everything right after the accident. Why was he But my five-year-old son, Stephen, did die that spring day. His eight-year-old sister, Stephanie, died a few now “falling down on his job”? What I didn’t realize at hours later, enough past midnight to list the next day on her death certificate. The journey Wayne and I began that the time was that he was feeling the same way and asking day impacted every aspect of our lives, including our marriage. One day we were parents with two beautiful himself the same sort of questions. How could he right children, and the next we were facing life alone. Together, but very much alone. For we were a bereaved this terrible wrong that had happened to us? couple, and would need to redefine not only who we were as individuals, but also who we were as a couple. One day Wayne looked at me with eyes pleading, As I was being treated in the emergency room, begging for understanding as I bombarded him with Wayne had the horrendous task of telling me that our son was dead and our daughter was in extremely a series of questions that had no answers. He finally critical condition. She was to be flown to Children’s Hospital. “Go,” I implored. “She needs you!” Within broke his silence when he said, “It’s hard for me to hours, he phoned to tell me the tests showed Stephanie had no brain activity. We were facing the death of our throw you a lifeline when I’m drowning myself.” Those second child. words became a turning point for me. Grief can be such Wayne went on autopilot, while I fell to pieces. He made funeral arrangements, decided on flowers for the a selfish emotion. He was hurting, too, and needed time casket, and made phone calls. When the funeral was over, we took turns in that autopilot mode, seemingly dealing and space and understanding, just as I did. We Need Not Walk Alone Now Online Prior to attending Compassionate Friends meetings, We are pleased to announce that, starting with this we each thought the other was handling grief wrong. But issue, TCF’s national magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone, we learned from others that what we were doing wasn’t will be available to read online without charge. To sign-up for access to the magazine online, go to wrong, it was just different. And different was okay. www.compassionatefriends.org. and review the options at the top of the page. v Wayne needed quiet time; time to think, time to be alone. He was content to sit on the riding mower, put the tractor in a low gear and slowly mow the grass, just to give himself extra alone time. He was also content to run errands so he could be alone in the car with his thoughts and feelings. I needed so badly to talk about what had happened, and I talked ad nauseam. I came to the realization that I needed to find good friends who were willing to listen instead of bombarding Wayne with my endless chatter. I had to respect that he needed time to be alone with his thoughts, and he learned that there were times he just had to let me talk about what happened and about the kids, or I was going to explode. We also needed time together, time to grieve, and time to grow as a couple. We learned as we traveled through our grief journey that the most important lesson could be summed up by the wonderful seven-letter word respect. Respect for the differences in our grief, the pain we were each going through, and the love we still had for one another. v Pat 2 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

Winter 2011/Spring 2012 Vol. 35, Nos. 1/2 Features Departments What’s It All About? Storing Your Digital Memories From the Exec’s Desk We Need Not Walk Alone is By Michael Ingram ........................... 4 By Pat Loder ..................................... 2 the national magazine of Ask Dr. Gloria ................................. 7 The Compassionate Friends, Drug-Death Bereaved Parents TCF Patron Donations.................... 14 a mutual assistance, self-help ByWilliam Feigelman, Ph.D. ............ 5 Friends, Caring and Sharing ......... 15 organization offering friendship, TCF Board of Directors.................. 16 understanding, and hope to A Grandparent’s Grief TCF Chapter Support..................... 29 bereaved families following the By Donald Moyers ............................ 8 For Brothers and Sisters death of a child. Our mission is to What If? assist families toward the positive Two Years By T. F. McCray ................................ 10 resolution of grief following the By Kathleen Yockey........................... 9 Ask Dr. Heidi ................................... 10 death of a child of any age, and to When You Stop Asking Why provide information to help others Permission Granted By Tonya Thompson .......................... 11 be supportive. There is no religious By Trevor Van Huizen ....................... 12 To My Brother affiliation, no membership fees By Natasha Noll ................................ 11 or dues, and all bereaved family The Eternal Legacy of Names Poetry members are welcome. By Nita Aasen.................................... 13 I Celebrate By Patricia Oppenheim .................... 13 Visit TCF on the Net Where Is My Miracle? Book Review By Angela Brandt.............................. 17 Happy Again! For further information, My Worldwide Candle Lighting® By Harriet Hodgson visit The Compassionate Friends Experience Reviewed by Dr. Heidi Horsley......... 27 on the Internet at By John Thayer ................................. 21 TCF Events www.compassionatefriends.org. Mourning and Grieving TCF 35th National Conference / The Compassionate Friends By Lynda Zussman ............................ 23 5th International Conference now offers an “Online Support By Wayne Loder ................................ 6 Community.” For more information, Baseball and Life TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting® select the Online Support By Richard Carlson........................... 26 By Wayne Loder ................................ 20 Community button on TCF’s home page. Seasoned Grievers By Sam Turner................................... 28 TCF’s Facebook page can be reached through the link on the Grief, Healing, and Time home page of our national website. By Deb Kosmer ................................. 29 Facebook members can also go to: The Compassionate Friends/USA. Cover photo by Dana Rogers in memory of her son Rick. The views presented within this magazine represent those of the authors and do not necessarily represent those of The Compassionate Friends. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 3

Storing Your Digital drives are projected to last only five to seven years, and some Memories can and do die quickly. One might be tempted to use only one hard drive as a backup, but if you do, your data will be at risk. ~By Michael Ingram Also, you can’t back up your files and then forget about it. Hard drives need to be turned occasionally to ensure that they work. The lives of my wife and I were forever changed on Many experts recommend backing up data onto DVDs, November 25, 2010. At 5:15 in the morning I got the phone call which are projected to last 50 years, if handled correctly, that no parent ever wants to receive. On the other end of the (keep DVDs in a protective case out of sunlight). In practice, line, someone was telling me there had been an accident and our DVDs may last only a few years. Backing up on DVDs can son was involved. I was not given any details of his condition, also be very time-consuming. I do keep copies of the really and we were asked to come to the hospital. Once there, we were important items backed up on DVDs. given the news that our 23-year-old son had been killed in a head-on automobile collision. Our hearts were ripped out of our Another solution is online storage. While I do store some bodies, and the shock of that day remains with us. photos on such sites, I am not comfortable with them. First, you are allowing someone else to control your data. Second, My wife and I have always enjoyed taking pictures of our will the sites always be there and available? And finally, will kids. We have many of our son and daughter together to give to your data remain private? Even with those concerns, online our grandkids. Our son was an athlete from a young age, and storage is worth considering. we enjoyed photographing him at Little League, high school sports, and college baseball. We have thousands of photos and External hard drives range from $40 to $100 or more, many videos of him, a treasure that must never be lost. depending on size and vendor. DVDs are cheap and can be purchased on sale from $10 to $15 for a pack of 25 or 50. Digital photography, video recordings, and digital storage Online storage can range from free for limited space to $60 are all both good and scary. They are good because we can now or more for unlimited space. The cost for a fire-resistant capture more of our children’s activities than ever before. They waterproof safe runs from $40 to $100 or more. Whatever the are scary because digital media can and will fail; gone are all of cost, it is very low compared to the loss of your files. our precious pictures, videos, and documents. Computers crash, hard drives fail, CDs/DVDs do not have the advertized life The simplest way to back up files is to copy them from without special care, and storage standards change. There is no your computer to an external device. Copying may not be digital media that can be guaranteed to last forever. the most efficient method, but it is easy. Most image-viewing and processing programs offer a way to do backups of your Weeks after my son’s passing I realized that most of our photographs. There are also programs designed specifically photos and videos were not safe. Our original photos were for backups. With these programs you can schedule backups spread over several computers and vulnerable to fire and to be performed without your presence. They also allow you water damage. How do I protect them? I asked myself. to back up most everything on your computer. My system is not yet perfect, but here is what I do now. To review: I purchased three identical USB external hard drives. On one • Make backups of your precious files, photos, videos, and drive I backed up all of my photos, videos, and important documents. Do not rely only on your computer. The more documents from my desktop and notebook computers. Next, I copies the better. Do it now. used the second and third drives to make two complete copies of • Take steps to protect the backups. Place them in a fire- the first drive. I then placed drive one and drive two in separate resistant, waterproof safe. In addition, save a copy away fire-resistant waterproof safe boxes. I keep the third drive near from your home, in a bank safe-deposit box or at a trusted my main desktop computer, which is where I process most of friend’s house. my photography. This third drive is a working backup that I • Use different ways to back up the really important stuff. A can quickly connect to my desktop or other computers. New combination of hard drives, DVDs, online storage, and any new photos placed onto my computers are backed up to this drive. technology is a good way to protect the very valuable items. I regularly copy new files to the two drives that are stored in the safe boxes. Years ago I had a power supply go bad on a Finally, I know that not all people are comfortable with computer that destroyed the system hard drive, which is why I doing more than basic things with a computer. If you consider do not keep the third drive constantly connected. I like to keep it yourself to be in that category, please get some help. Find isolated from any potential problems. that computer geek in your area, ask a family member, or get a friend to help. Your precious memories are too valuable to I am considering getting a safe-deposit box at a bank or a leave at risk. safe box at a friend’s house to store copies at a location away from my home. The more backups you have, the better. If you have questions, feel free to contact me at [email protected]. v External hard drives have become inexpensive, and they allow for much faster backups. There is a downside. Hard Michael Ingram and his wife, Celia, lost their son, Michael II,in 2010 at the age of 23. They have a surviving child, Magen, who is 28 and three great-grandchildren. Michael lives in Newark, Delaware. He has a BS degree in Information Systems. 4 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

Drug-Death Bereaved Parents: priest said our daughter might not be going to heaven to A Highly Stigmatized and live among the angels because of all the bad things she did Neglected Group of Mourners during her life, and because she wasted her life away with ~By William Feigelman, Ph.D. drugs.” Child-denigrating statements such as these result in Parents losing children to a drug overdose or to a drug- “disenfranchised grief,” a term bereavement professionals use related death face unique challenges in post-loss adaptation. Based on 48 drug-death bereaved parents, 462 suicide- to refer to people’s unsupportive responses to the bereaved bereaved, 37 mostly accidental deaths, and 24 natural death cases, our survey research results showed that the drug-death after a loss, essentially claiming that the deceased is unworthy bereaved faced social stigmatization from family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances similar to that faced by suicide of being mourned. survivors, and the drug-death bereaved seemed to offer more reports of stigmatization than those whose children had died In other cases of blaming comments, the parent may from accidents and natural causes. be exposed to statements like these, which some of our What sets these mourners apart from most other bereaved parents is the scarcity of drug-death-specific literature to respondents reported: “My ex-husband blamed me for our guide them along their difficult healing journeys following their children’s deaths. After extensive searches of all online son’s death. He never let up on his accusations of me for not medical, psychological, and bereavement professional literature indexes, we were surprised to find only two research supervising our son closely enough. He even claimed I did notes on this subject, one written by a Brazilian psychologist (based on six cases), and another by a British social worker, drugs with him.” Or, “How come you didn’t get your daughter (based on four cases). One might erroneously conclude from the little written on this topic, that drug deaths are relatively into a better treatment program?” Such parent-blaming rare events. Yet, this hardly is the case. When we examined the incidence of drug deaths among U.S. youth and middle- statements add to the parent’s own feelings of inadequacy aged populations, the evidence suggested that drug deaths easily outnumber deaths from suicide within these same age and failure to prevent the death. Any parent sustaining a categories. However, unlike the bereaved by suicide, who may find a wide variety of articles, books, memoirs, and systematic child’s drug-death has repeatedly engaged in a near endless surveys written by professionals and bereaved alike to help them adapt after their losses, the drug-death bereaved are obsessional review of what they “could” and “should” have further challenged, unfortunately, by the paucity of written materials available to guide them with their distinctive done to avoid the death. They hardly need additional reminders bereavement issues and needs. from others that may exacerbate their grief. Interestingly, as a Following their children’s deaths, a majority of drug- death bereaved parents are confronted with avoidance contrast to the drug and suicide bereaved, none of the parents and occasional acts of outright scorn expressed toward them and their children by some of their significant others. losing a child to natural causes reported hearing blaming Approximately half of the drug-death and the suicide- bereaved parents reported hearing blaming comments comments and only one (out of 37) whose child died by an following the death where close family members or friends blamed the deceased child or the parent for the death. It accident reported hearing such a comment. should also be noted that about half of our respondents reported receiving altogether positive responses from We asked our respondents to give us details on the their significant others after the death. Among the hurtful statements reported by our respondents were: “It is almost troublesome responses they heard from close associates better that Kevin died from drugs now, sparing you all the lifelong saga of his reverses and disappointments.” Or, “My after the deaths, and we then grouped responses into seven different types. In addition to the already mentioned Blaming comments mentioned above, we add: Avoidance (e.g., “People avoided me”); Unhelpful Advice (e.g., “Isn’t it time you moved on?”; “Are you still going to that support group?”); Absence of Caring Interest (e.g., “No one asked me how I was feeling afterward”; “No one mentioned by child’s name afterward; it was as if he never existed”); Spiritual Responses (e.g., “She’s with God now”; “It was God’s will”); Miscellaneous Negative (e.g. “At least he didn’t kill anyone else when he died”; or “I know how you must feel; I felt that way when my dog died”). Our data showed a trend, with drug and suicide-bereaved reporting more negative comments heard than reported by accident- and natural-death bereaved. What was even more striking and significantly different were the reports of grief difficulties, complicated grief, post-traumatic stress, depression, and other psychological difficulties, showing higher incidences of these problems among the drug and suicide bereaved parents as compared to the accident and natural death bereaved. It was evident that these “blameworthy” subgroups of bereaved parents were not receiving the same caring and supportive responses as the accident and natural-death bereaved parents. What distressed these bereaved parents, who generally perceived themselves to be at their life’s most difficult and dreadful low point, was the absence of compassionate understanding shown by some close family members and friends. (Continued on page 7) WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 5

The CompassionaTe Friends • Kathy Eldon, journalist, author, producer, activist, and mother, found her life changed forever when her 22-year-old 35th National Conference son, Dan Eldon, a Reuters photographer, was stoned to death and by an angry mob as he did his job in Somalia in July 1993. Among her books are Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss and 5th International Conference Remembrance and The Journey Is the Destination. July 20–22, 2012 • Costa Mesa, California • Darcie Sims, always popular international keynote speaker, brings her wit and wisdom as a bereaved parent ~By Wayne Loder and certified grief management specialist to the podium in Public Awareness Coordinator Costa Mesa. Cofounder of Grief, Inc., an international grief consulting firm, Darcie is a well-known and respected author When all is said and done, anyone attending The and speaker. Compassionate Friends 2012 National Conference/5th • The Reverend Canon Simon Stephens, founder of The International Conference in Costa Mesa, California, July 20– Compassionate Friends worldwide and bereaved sibling, 22, 2012, should part gratified that they had the opportunity will travel from his home in Moscow to share his thoughts to partake of such a meaningful bereavement event. with the large international and U.S. crowd that is expected to gather. With 1,500 participants expected, the Conference Committee for the 35th National Conference has joined with In addition, there will be more than 100 workshops TCF’s National Office staff to create what promises to be covering most areas related to the death of a child, sharing a very special event for those grieving the death of a child sessions, special Friday evening entertainment, a complete within the family, whether a son, daughter, sister, brother, sibling program, a Spanish language workshop and sharing grandson, or granddaughter. session, first-timer orientation, and plenty more. Because this is also an International Conference (generally held only about With the theme “Oceans of Love, Mountains of once every five years in different locations around the world), Memories,” this conference, probably the largest of its kind in special excursions are being planned for before and after the the United States and possibly around the globe, will feature conference so those attending may take in some of sunny some great speakers: California’s great attractions. • Lois Duncan is the prolific and award-winning author of 48 books. But, the most difficult one she ever had to write “We want to invite everyone to this conference who was Who Killed My Daughter?, the story behind her search is mourning the loss of a child within their family,” says for the truth in the death of her 18-year-old daughter, Kaitlyn TCF’s executive director, Patricia Loder. “Grief is a universal Arquette, in what police called a random drive-by shooting. language and one that TCFers around the world know all too well.” The Compassionate Friends Walk to Remember® will be held at 8 a.m. Sunday morning, starting from the host hotel. Watch www.compassionatefriends.org for TCF’s online registration for the conference and for the Walk to Remember. In addition, you’ll be able to submit the names of children (without charge) to be carried by volunteers during the Walk, and you’ll also have the opportunity to create a team to participate in TCF’s “Friends Asking Friends” online fund-raising event. Teams can be from TCF chapters, families, individuals, or other groups. Watch online for more information. When you register for the conference, you can also register for the Walk to Remember. The host hotel for this event is the Hilton Orange County/ Costa Mesa, and, while TCF has arranged a room block that includes every guest room within the hotel, reservations are already the heaviest they’ve ever been at this point for a TCF conference. A recommended overflow hotel will be announced by TCF when necessary to accommodate those attending. Special conference rates are available July 17–24. For reservations call 714-540-7000, or you can reserve a room through TCF’s Online Reservations site available through the 2012 National Conference website page. v 6 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

With this issue, we introduce “Ask Dr. Gloria,” a column designed to answer ASK Dr. Gloria questions from bereaved parents and grandparents after the death of a child. Please send your questions to the e-mail or mailing address below. Question: My twenty-one-year-old son, a medical resident, accidently died by a drug and alcohol overdose. It has been 19 months and I feel like I’m going crazy. I go to work every day as a master teacher, teaching other teachers how to improve their skills. I hold it together during the day, but at night I come home and cry. My friends tell me I need professional help. What do you think? Answer: Dr. Gloria Horsley, MFC, CNS, Ph.D., is the founder and president of the Open to Hope I am sorry to hear of the death of your dear son. It is so difficult to lose our Foundation, an internationally known grief children who have so much potential and so many reasons to live. Contrary to what expert, psychotherapist, and bereaved parent. “the world” would have you believe, 19 months is a brief time in the bereavement Gloria cohosts the Internet radio show, Open to process. First, congratulate yourself that you are going to work every day. That is a Hope, and has authored a number of books and major accomplishment after only 19 months. Bereaved parents are often surprised articles. She will be answering your questions by how difficult the second year is. I was, even though a colleague had warned me related to loss, grief, and recovery for the that it would be tough. The second year is a paradox. You are actually recovering, but often feel worse. This is because you are coming out of the robotic state of shock bereaved adult. of the first year and are now able to grasp the reality of your situation. One parent told me, “The first year you grieve for your child and the second year you grieve Please send your question to: for yourself.” Feeling crazy and crying are normal responses. Good for you if you are holding it together during the day. If you want to cut down on your crying, you Dr. Gloria Horsley might try compartmentalizing your grief by setting aside time every evening to c/o Catherine Patillo, WNNWA light a candle, play some music, and meditate on your son’s life. You could plan 20 minutes and then move on to other activities. P.O. Box 526194 Salt Lake City, Utah 84152-6194 Finally, thank your friends for their concern and remind them that grief is a process, and you have lost a lot. v E-mail: [email protected] (Drug-Death Bereaved Parents, continued from page 5) drug deaths, often marked by extended struggles with mental health and drug problems, parents of these children often We also investigated the different kinds of healing wonder if there was a rupture in their relationship with their resources that bereaved parents used. Drug-death bereaved child. Visits to psychics may offer comforting reassurances parents were most likely to use general bereavement support that the parent-child bond remains intact and that both are groups like The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents well and continuing on with their lives in their respective USA for help after a loss, with 85 percent reporting that places. This is an important new idea for further exploration they used these groups. A smaller number, about 10 percent, in future research. v sought help from survivor of suicide support groups; 40 percent had sought help from clergy, and about 50 percent Those seeking further information on drug-death bereavement reported seeing bereavement or other mental health are encouraged to read our collaborative article: Parental Grief counselors. In these respects, drug-death bereaved were After a Child’s Drug Death Compared to Other Death Causes much like the other bereaved parents, except for the suicide by W. Feigelman, J. Jordan, and B. Gorman, Omega. Or our survivors, who often sought help from SOS groups. There forthcoming book: Devastating Losses: How Parents Cope with was one striking difference: the drug-death bereaved sought a Child’s Death from Suicide or Drugs, by W. Feigelman, J. help more often from psychics and spiritualists at a rate of Jordan, J. McIntosh, and B. Feigelman, available June, 2012 54 percent, contrasting sharply with other bereaved parents, through Springer Publications. who averaged a 30 percent use rate. Surprised by this trend, we speculate that this may be related partly to the realities of WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 7 drug use. Given the sudden and self-inflicted nature of many

A Grandparent’s Grief: the use of substances for temporary relief through intense medical, spiritual, and self-help, yet they will remain “Make the Hurt Go Away” vulnerable for the rest of their lives. Both marriages ended in divorce, and one daughter-in-law has passed on. Both sons ~By Donald Moyers continue their lives with their surviving children, but walk the crazy road of grief each day. “Mommy . . . Daddy, kiss it and make the hurt go away.” There is little you can do to “make the hurt go away.” As You probably heard it when your children were small, but if bereaved grandparents, you know that already. I think it is your child has experienced “the parent’s worst nightmare,” important to simply observe and understand your child’s outrage they’re going to need more help. and their questions of “Why?” Support them through their tears, their confusion, their emotional roller coaster, their need for As a family, we all live close to one another, and as moments alone, their mysterious ways, their avoidance of certain grandparents, we feel so blessed and thankful to have our gatherings, and the recognition of “that look” so deeply etched on children and grandchildren as part of our daily lives. We share their faces. I do not question their impatience, or their disregard a deep bond and love with our grandchildren that is equal to for self. I just know they think differently than before. I also if not greater than that with our own kids. Grandchildren are recognize improvements in certain values brought on by their our reward. They are the fruit of our lives. loss. These improvements are called “blessings.” Psychiatric help and counseling may help some, but those counselors can never On June 14, 2007, we lost two granddaughters. Loral was understand unless they are bereaved parents themselves. 12 years old and Macy was 14 years old. They were cousins who died in the same instant as two other kids on that fateful As bereaved grandparents involved with TCF, my wife morning in a terrible auto/train wreck, just down the street and I have helped other bereaved parents recognize and from where we live. Each of our two sons tragically lost a better understand a grandparent’s pain. This recognition and daughter in that one single horrific moment. understanding are therapeutic for both the parents and the grandparents. This unfortunate event, and the terror and sadness of that day changed everything forever. Since that day, my wife and I I think some grandparents often try to appear strong for continue to dwell in a realm of sadness, grief, and longing for the their bereaved children, to the extent they find themselves girls. We are survivors, however, and know we must live life as it caught in a place of “holding it in.” Consequently, they’re is presented to us each day, but this tragedy has necessitated that not able to grieve as bereaved grandparents really need to do. we now live it in such a different way. As with bereaved parents, I’m not able to hide my grief. I will be forever emotionally bereaved grandparents seek and need understanding as well. extended beyond complete comfort, because I miss my granddaughters so much. I cannot speak for all grandparents, and especially those who live far away from their grandchildren, but I can say that when A family must “huddle together” through all of the steps you raise your grandchildren, the bonds grow very deep. When along this journey, sharing the overwhelming pain. Showing you have reached the stage of life to “grandparent”, you seem strength in such a loss might really be necessary through to become much more active and appreciative in observing, the funeral arrangements and the service, however, the need guiding, and reliving the “wonders of a child growing up.” We for this kind of strength often isn’t long-term. Could it be have more time and we take more time for them. Our youthful that displaying only strength sends a false message to the years have passed, and our need for a social life is much less bereaved son or daughter that they also need to be strong? important. Our grandchildren are the hub of our world. The grandparent’s grief is real and needs to be visible in order to let the bereaved child understand that he or she is not alone As bereaved grandparents, we deeply suffered the loss of in this world and forever carrying the full load of grief. our grandchildren, but we also have had the pain of watching our sons endure “the parent’s worst nightmare.” You question It has been more than four years since our lives changed what you can do to make them feel better, what you could forever. Impacts of our granddaughters’ deaths continue possibly do to make the hurt go away. You wonder how you to play out each day. For only a lifetime, each of us will can make things all right and if there’s any way to help your continue our quest for normal, but most important, we accept children bring their lives back into a tolerable form. ourselves as survivors of grief, carrying our load as we trudge forth each day. Each of our sons lost a daughter, which also means four of our other grandchildren lost sisters. How can we make their Things are getting better, even if just in fleeting moments. hurt go away? What about the aunts, uncles, and cousins? I am soon to be 70 years old and will always live with this What about our daughter in laws? Aren’t we grandparents terrible loss, yet I still believe the “golden years” are going to supposed to be the rock of the family? be possible! v We watched our two sons independently seek grief relief, Donald is the father of bereaved sons, Dawson and Doug, and and later wind up hitting rock bottom. The imaginary grief relief led to substance abuse. Now, both have risen above the grandfather of beloved Macy and Loral. He and his wife, Elizabeth, reside in Baytown, Texas, and are affiliated with the Galveston County Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. 8 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

~By Kathleen Yockey A lifetime since she saved a frog from certain death by kitty cat in our kitchen. Time should be absolute, shouldn’t it? One minute is 60 A lifetime since she sat at the kitchen counter filling out seconds. One hour is 60 minutes. One day is 24 hours. It employment and school paperwork and asking me about doesn’t change. It is absolutely definable. There is no insurance. variation, unless you count leap year. So why isn’t it absolute? And two very long years since she walked out the front Two years can seem like a lifetime when I think of it one door with a breezy, “Bye, I love you, I can’t wait to see your way and an instant when I think of it another way. pictures.” Yesterday I sent out an invitation to a memorial celebration But yet, it has only been an instant. of Michaela’s life. I wrote that it had been two years. And that An instant since the police pounded on our front door, stopped me in my tracks. I had to think about it. Two years? ringing the doorbell frantically. Only two years? It seems like a lifetime since I had my An instant since I heard the words “life flight” and my little girl by my side, making me laugh, telling corny jokes heart stopped. and making corny puns. It seems like a lifetime since that An instant since I saw Michaela’s car, with the top cut wonderful summer, just two short years ago, when she was so off, sitting in the middle of the intersection just half a mile very happy and excited about her future. from home. An instant since we drove 70 miles an hour down Hibiscus Two years has been a lifetime. following the police car with its flashing lights. A lifetime since she put on a prom dress and played in a An instant since we sat in the waiting room quietly making construction zone for photos. little jokes and remembering how many times we had scared A lifetime since we went tubing on the banana river. our parents in situations like this; denying in our words what A lifetime since we went to a dinner theater and she was going on behind the emergency room door, not believing ordered a beer . . . just because she could. for one second that anything so terrible could happen to us. A lifetime since she huddled over a ladybug with her best An instant since we were told that all of the scenarios we friend, trying to get a good picture. had imagined and even hoped for were false. A lifetime since she wrestled with her brother on the living An instant since I looked at my baby girl’s face and knew room floor. she was never coming back to me. A lifetime since I posted “You Rock” on her Facebook An instant since my wonderful son was doubled over in page and she responded with “You Roll” on mine. pain as he realized the same thing. A lifetime since she made her own recipe for chocolate, An instant since her father stood over her, reading her the peanut butter, and apple tortillas. Bible and praying for help. A lifetime since she started her art project to make a An instant since her friends gathered around her bed in the necklace for everyone important to her, so they would “have middle of the night to tell stories and sing songs to her. something that makes them think of me.” An instant since we spoke to the organ donation A lifetime since she went to her UCF orientation, saw her coordinator and then held hands and prayed for mercy. new apartment, and met her new boss. An instant since I stood at her bed, staring at the A lifetime since she crossed the stage of FSU and winked respiration monitor, knowing its steady beep meant that at the dean in her black robe with gold braid. she had stopped trying and we were to be spared having to A lifetime since she went to the flea market and bought decide for her. beads representing everyone in her family; so she would have An instant since my mother cut her hair for donation to something to make her think of them; and a giant wrench for Locks of Love and she was taken away from me for the a photo project. last time. A lifetime since she went shopping with her girlfriend And the next two years and the two years after that, and for apartment things and bought my friend some peacock the two years after that, and all the years to come until God’s feathers, just because she remembered that I had mentioned will is to reunite us, will be a lifetime without my baby but she needed some. also, just an instant. A lifetime since she talked her way into Disney on a And then will come forever. v military pass for free, with nothing but a letter stating her ID was confiscated as proof that she was eligible. Kathleen Yockey (mother of Michaela Thomas 1988–2009) A lifetime since she walked down the beach to Bizarro’s with her brother, sarong and beautiful blond hair blowing in lives with her husband, Bill, in Melbourne, Forida. She is an the wind around her. office manager and publishes her blog, Angels Cry Too: Life Death, and Beyond; Thoughts of a Grieving Mother. Kathleen can also be reached at [email protected]. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 9

FOR BEREAVED SIBLINGS brother’s soul ended its tangible journey beside us. The day that concluded us as we were and began us as we are. What If? “What if?” we whispered. He whispered. ~By T. F. McCray What if . . . he was here all along? What if it was as simple as catching up to him on his drive? What if we would find We followed a silver Mustang to New York on Friday. him watching a waterfall in Saratoga? Eating a Klondike bar in Elmont? Outside of a repair shop, getting a car service My mother and I. Traveling from my home farther south. The that took a little too long. Or what if we found him parked in boys buckled tightly in the back. It had black stripes on the my mother’s driveway in Queens at home? At home . . . hood and the windows were too dark to see inside. What if we had just been blinded by a bizarre streak of glaring sunlight? Cast from a low-flying plane? It was possible Like his. because we grew up by the airport. What if we had missed We joined minds, spoke without speaking, and imagined him standing there all along, and that man we watched leave the unimaginable. That he was still here. us on 10/22 wasn’t my brother at all? It was someone else’s That it was his. His Mustang, zipping up and down the Belt brother, someone else’s son, someone else’s . . . Parkway in Canarsie, in Flatbush, in his Brooklyn. Visiting this What if when the glare cleared he would appear? Smirking. and that, her and her, blasting his music, picking up the pieces, Buffing a small fingerprint from his sideview mirror and the bits, for the collection, for his soul. We imagined, jointly. It’s walking over to us with his heavy steps to make some joke like we both heard the whisper; a soft, silent whisper, “What if?” about the latest current event. What if we had another chance “What if?” it said. to kiss his warm cheeks and cover him in our embrace? Make What if October 22, 2009, never was? The cloudless my mother smile again . . . from the inside? What if he could sky on that sunny, sorrowful, unexpected day. The day my tickle my sons and meet my dear Wesley, his namesake? (Continued on next page) ASK Dr. Heidi Question: Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD., is a bereaved sibling, My 26-year-old brother died of a drug overdose three years ago. We were very as well as a psychologist. She is the executive different and argued a lot, although we’d eventually get over our disagreements. The night before he died we got into a huge fight. If I could take back that night director of the Open to Hope Foundation, I would. How do I stop replaying this argument over in my head and stop feeling cohost of the Open to Hope program, and an like the worst brother in the world? adjunct professor at Columbia University. Answer: She will be answering your questions Individuals may be ambivalent about their relationships in life, but in death related to loss, grief, and recovery for siblings. the power of their bond strangles the surviving heart. Death reminds us that we are Please send your question to: part of the same river, the same flow from the same source, rushing towards the Dr. Heidi Horsley same destiny. Were you close? Yes, but we didn’t know it then.” c/o Catherine Patillo, WNNWA Landscape Without Gravity P.O. Box 526194 ~By Barbara Lazear Ascher Salt Lake City, Utah 84152-6194 As siblings we have complicated relationships that change over time. Disagree- E-mail: [email protected] ments are a part of the sibling bond. Our siblings serve as role models, confidants, and rivals. Even in the best of sibling relationships, it is completely normal to argue. Siblings are family and we know they will always be there for us; therefore, they are safe people to have disagreements with. We are freer to express with our siblings our thoughts and feelings because we are not dependent on them, and they are not authority figures. The difficulty in this situation is that your brother died before this conflict could be resolved. However, as you pointed out, if you had been given time, you and your brother would have eventually resolved your disagreement. Just remember, if you hadn’t loved your brother, you wouldn’t have invested any energy in this relationship. Just the fact that you feel guilty about this argument means that you cared deeply for your brother. The sibling bond lasts an eternity and is strong; it can weather any storm. What is important going forward is to honor and pay tribute to your brother’s memory by living your best life. v 10 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

When You Stop Asking Why To My Brother ~By Tonya Thompson ~By Natasha Noll All these emotions, change by the moment. A laugh when I was crying Stuck in time, inside my mind. Shifting tides changed my life. A giggle when I needed it Tore me apart, and broke my heart. A good reality check when I was being dumb The truth even when I didn’t want to hear it But when you stop asking why, Then you can start to say goodbye. This is what you gave me The pain will only hold you there, You gave me a person I could laugh with And never get you anywhere. A person that I could fight with And so I must go on with life. A person that could make anybody laugh A person that could make the sun shine on a gloomy day That I cannot sacrifice. And I will hold you in my heart, This is the person you gave me As I make this brand-new start. Fear for where your life was going Fear of what might happen to you Precious memories, Fear of how deep you were getting into it Can I take them with me? Oh, they hurt, oh so deeply. Fear that I might lose you But they were true, and they were mine. This is the fear you gave me Hurt when you would tell a lie And I can’t erase time. Hurt when you would think I believed you Can’t change the past to ease the pain, Hurt when you would blow off plans Hurt when you would use me And so they must always remain. This is the hurt you gave me Sadness when you let the drugs take your life And when you stop asking why, Sadness when you left me here Then you can start to say goodbye. Sadness when I realized I won’t ever see your face again The pain will only hold you there, Sadness when I realized you won’t ever make me laugh again This is the sadness you gave me And never get you anywhere. Memories of playing together when we were little And so I must go on with life. Memories of serious talks together Memories of making each other laugh when we were down That I cannot sacrifice. Memories of hugs and comfort And I will hold you in my heart, These are the memories you left with me v As I make this brand-new start. ~ For Justin and others who’ve lost loved ones Curtains open, to substance abuse. I step forward. Take a breath, to see what’s left. (What If?, continued from previous page) Arms wide open, No more trembling. We raced alongside that silver Mustang. Watching and Brace my heart, for this new start. waiting, wondering and willing, wondering and willing . . . life. We wondered, What if? We tried desperately to mask the quick And when you stop asking why, sounds of our breaths as we chased this dream. We chastised Then you can start to say goodbye. our souls for wanting to bound toward him and dance in the The pain will only hold you there, unimaginable. To morph what wasn’t into what is and make this impossible our possible. But it wasn’t . . . And never get you anywhere. And so I must go on with life. The universe curses us with unexplained gifts. That driver snuck off at an exit before we could see for That I cannot sacrifice. ourselves, before we could answer, before we could reason . . . And I will hold you in my heart, but left us . . . imagining, even for that moment, that second, in As I make this brand-new start. that small slither of unmovable, imaginable, glorious, beautiful space . . . What if? v v T. F. McCray is a lawyer, freelance writer, and married mother In honor of my older brother, Randal Wagoner Jr., of two. She is a native of New York and currently residing in who passed in January, 2011, at the age of 41. Maryland. She lost her brother Thomas Wesley Higdon Jr. at the age of 38 on October 22, 2009, from congestive heart failure. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 11

~By Trevor Van Huizen flying around. Although in the end, these gifts do not stop the overwhelming questions, like, Why did this have to happen to I am the father of four beautiful boys: one who is going me, my wife, and my beautiful son? Why did it happen to all these seemingly good people who also attend grief meetings? to college, 11-month-old twins, and my darling son Diego, Did we do something wrong in the eyes of our Creator? Did who is currently being babysat by God. As a father of four, we in some way create this karma that frowns upon us? Why? I am pulled in several directions at any given time. For Why? Why? There can be never-ending questions. After the instance: my oldest asks for advice, the twins require endless “Why me?” questions retreat, the “Now what?” questions entertainment, and my sweet Diego, often receives the most develop. Since I have lost a child, now what? How am I attention—at least in my head. supposed to act? What do I tell others who ask uncomfortable questions? Is my main responsibility to support my wife in her Why? Because I am constantly reminded I will not see him grief? I understand I must grieve, but can I put a time frame when I get home in the evening. His absence enters my mind on it? When should I be over this? at the most inappropriate times; for instance, at a stop- light, mingling with friends, or showing houses to a client—the list With all this running through my head, the chaotic emotions goes on and on. Of course, this reminder often accompanies demand to be released. After all, my heart was pulled from my a multitude of emotions, which may or may not make me get body with the force of a jackhammer. At first I was convinced I choked up. If this happens, then I have the daunting decision couldn’t go on, that life had ended. The sun would rise another of whether or not I need to explain what I am feeling or just day, but my head would not. People who smiled at me were try to cover it up. If I do share, it often turns awkward, and silently damned. All I really wanted to do was die. the other person often does not realize silence is okay. They feel the need to say something, like the nails on a chalkboard I had been beaten so severely to a state of submission that phrase, “At least he’s in a better place.” Of course I want to I allowed my higher power to carry me; I couldn’t walk, talk, lash out at them, screaming, “There is no better place for a or even think without support. The days would come and go, baby but in his parent’s arms.” But I smile and just remember but they all meant nothing. I needed help and fast. they haven’t experienced such a tragic loss as I, and for that I am grateful. No matter what the dialogue turns into, I feel the But I am a man, you know, a manly man; one who likes pain of a dagger in my heart for a short time. power tools and working outside. One who grew up on a farm working the fields and baling hay. Men don’t cry, so I was Grief has changed me at my core without permission. told. I remember my older cousin telling me, “If you want Since Diego’s passing, I see the world much differently. I find something to cry about, I’ll give you something to cry about.” I drive more conservatively, spend more time with family, In spite of my manliness, I was forced to confront myself and just appreciate life more. I have also noticed that when I talk to those I love, I do it with more compassion. I try to All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of notice the small things, like the clouds in the sky, or the birds letting go and holding on. ~Henry Ellis and realize that under this skin I am only human. After all, I did lose my son, whom I love very much. As with any father, I had untamed expectations of raising him: his first smile, first step, playing T-ball, starting kindergarten, pimples, first girlfriend, and the list goes on ceaselessly. After all, it’s the progression of life, isn’t it? A constant reminder every time I see children who are the age Diego would be. In my own grief walk I have found there isn’t a magic pill to determine a timeline of raw pain. As a father who longs for his missing son, I have been robbed of the only thing a parent wants for his child: to protect him at all costs. Consequently, my heart has been stolen and my mind turned to mush. I don’t want to feel this way! Then again, I don’t want to feel most of the time now. Although I know I will always miss my son, I have learned a form of acceptance I didn’t know was possible. Others have walked before me have often said, “If you don’t face your grief, it will wait for you until you are ready.” These words sank in quickly, I knew one fact: I didn’t want to feel this way forever. Therefore, I gave myself permission to grieve. Things I lived for before have lost (Continued on the page 17) 12 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

~By Nita Aasen There is simply no other efficient or meaningful way to make the connection. One’s name becomes a kind of shorthand that When people reference a deceased person, it is not serves as a starting point for conversations about an individual’s specific attributes. unusual to hear his or her name referred to in the past tense. For example, upon learning that two of my sons are deceased, Following a loved one’s death, his or her name makes it I have been asked “What were their names?” The hair possible to continue to share stories, tributes, and memories; to immediately stands up on the back of my neck as I use the plant trees, give awards, or do acts of kindness in their honor. present tense and say (while trying to conceal my irritation), Decades or even hundreds of years after an ancestor’s death, “Their names are Erik and David.” families wanting to connect with their family roots could not begin their search without a name. The documentation of one’s name While it is indisputable that death takes away the physical available in numerous records—birth, death, marriage, church, relationship with one’s loved one, death cannot take away the cemetery, plat books, obituaries, pictures, old letters, and many spiritual relationship we continue to have with them, nor can more—connects descendants to other missing puzzle pieces and death take away their name. Their name becomes the living leads them to many other names and stories in their family tree. reference point for our relationship with them throughout their lives and following their deaths. A poem by John Rezmerski, professor at Gustavus Adolphus College, was written as a living tribute to the thousands of Upon a person’s birth (or perhaps before), the first gift one’s patients who were interred on the grounds of the state hospital parents give to their newly born son or daughter is a name. In for the “insane” in St. Peter, Minnesota. The graves were making that choice, different options for the first and middle marked with numbers instead of names. More than a hundred names may be written out to see how they look with the last years later, markers with names have gradually been placed name. Or perhaps these names were spoken out loud in order above the numbers. Following is a portion of that poem: to hear which combinations sounded the best. Many times it is important that a child’s name have a family connection. Much A name is a seed that encases love, thought, and time are typically spent in choosing a name a whole tree, the memory that gives one’s son or daughter a space and place in the world of a whole species. that is just for them. Our names say: “However different From the very beginning of our lives, our names are linked This individual is of our kind.” eternally with a specific family. Over time, our names serve as an historical framework for our developmental progress, our That kindness makes us whole. medical records, school records, work performance, and leisure and civic interests. References to one’s personal characteristics, As long as documentation exists, the kindness that is personality, reputation, character, and contributions to make inherent in one’s name, and is symbolic of our loved ones, this world a better place are inevitably linked to one’s name. lives on eternally in this world. Yes, my sons’ names are Erik and David—forever. v Nita’s sons, Erik (27) and David (25), were killed in a car accident on November 14, 1994. She does not have a local chapter, but she has found support in TCF through We Need Not Walk Alone and the national conference. I Celebrate ~By Patricia Oppenheim I celebrate the dust that has grown between the cracks of my shattered heart I celebrate my brain, which has dulled the pictures of your tiny arms wrapped around my neck I celebrate the incessant busyness of life, which has diverted my obsessive, morose longing for you I celebrate my friend, who has planted tulips in your honor on this day for fifteen years I celebrate my own strength, the depth of which I never fathomed or tapped I celebrate my need to be a mother to my son, who was equally wounded I celebrate the love of my husband, who was drowning in tears next to me I celebrate the three short years that you graced and enriched our lives But most of all I celebrate you—overflowing with love, tenderness, and generosity Happy 19th birthday, Elena. v Patricia Oppenheim is a child psychologist from Bellevue, Washington, who will forever be Elena and Ian’s mother. She joined Compassionate Friends soon after Elena died in 1996, at age three, from a brain tumor. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 13

With sincere gratitude and deep appreciation, we acknowledge the generosity of the following individuals and organizations for their gifts to The Compassionate Friends. Your commitment and support are essential to fulfilling our mission. The following patron donations were received between October 1, 2011, and January 31, 2012. Simon Stephens Founder’s Circle ($10,000+) Maryland Charity Campaign Ann Dix in memory of Philip Dix Gloria and Phil Horsley Ellen and Richard Mirabile in memory of Scott Preston Horsley in memory of Richard Jr. and Lynn Mirabile Helen Ford National Rural Carriers Association Auxiliary John Parachini and Hadley Boyd in memory of Thomas Stewart Ford in memory of Lyles V. Parachini The Presidents Circle ($5000–$9999) Ralph L. Rossi and June M. Rossi Charitable Charlotte and Scott Frewing Foundation, Inc. in memory of Ella Hoelscher Paula Rosina Santoro Foundation in memory of Michael Vincent Sage in memory of Paula Rosina Santoro Karen Snepp Carolyn Friedlander-Haas in memory of Dave Snepp in memory of Robert Christopher and Circle of Love ($2500–$4999) Sue and Karl Snepp Robin Carol Friedlander in memory of Dave Snepp and Dorothy Pellegrin Debbie and Dale Dullabaun Pam Stephenson Priscilla Fung and Rob Mellencamp in memory of Dale Lee Dullabaun III in memory of T. Michael Stephenson, MD in memory of Dorothy Pellegrin Kitty Edler Louann and Scott Tedrick in memory of Mark and Rich Edler in memory of Bobby Brayer Peggy and David Gibson Erik Hoffmann and Nadezhda Kavrus-Hoffmann GiGi and Ric Trentman in memory of Paige Gibson in memory of Anders Hoffmann and Neil A. Hoffmann in memory of Cecilia Ann Trentman Nivia Vázquez Give With Liberty Circle of Hope ($1000–$2499) in memory of Jose “Yoito” Barreto Vázquez Susan and Seldon Whitaker Maria Grau Marcia and Roger Alig in memory of Laura R. Whitaker in memory of Evan Grau in memory of Daniel Pritchard C. Alig Barbara and Tom Allen Circle of Support ($200–$499) Adele Grubbs in memory of Jim and Jessie Stallings, Bill Andrews, in memory of Alexis Grubbs John Roger Thomas, Amanda Fancher; and in honor of all Eric Allen and Cristina Canle the good work TCF does in memory of Xavier Joseph-Canle Allen Ursula and Ron Hall Denny and Gary Berry in memory of Lisa Marie Hall in memory of Benjamin Berry Sherrie and George Barfield CapitalOne in memory of Brad Barfield Nena Herrick Kathy and Chuck Collins in memory of Steven Michael Herrick and John Patrick in memory of Tiffanie Amber Collins Angie Barton Reilly; and in honor of John and Bridge Reilly, Bill Paige and Steven Czirr in memory of Denver Daniel Parvin McGowan, and John Dunn in memory of Laura Abigail “Abby” Czirr; and in honor of Joann Czirr’s birthday Ann and Michael Beatty Patricia, Burt, and Ian Hovander Jean and Richard Dew in memory of Matthew Beatty in memory of Sasha Kolde in memory of Bradley Morris Dew Exel North America, Inc. Mary and Doug Bedore Robin Jens Alfred Koplin in memory of Joel Bedore in memory of Ty Jens Patricia and Wayne Loder in memory of Stephanie and Stephen Loder Karen and John Benskin Barbara and Mickey Johnson Tanya and Glen Lord in memory of Heather Benskin and in honor of the wedding in memory of Sandy Johnson in memory of Noah Thomas Emory Lord guests of the Ogden-Benskin wedding Nahma Sandrow Meyers and William Meyers Margaret and Jeffery Johnson in memory of Isaac Jacob Meyers Kay and Rodney Bevington in memory of Jordan McLeod Johnson Kathleen and David Pellegrin in memory of Rhonda Kay Bevington in memory of George Arthur Pellegrin Patty and Mark Johnson Jamie Pumpelly Anne and Robert Bourne in memory of Matthew in memory of Jamie Alexandra Grimsley in memory of Robert A. Bourne III and Jonathan M. Bourne Phyllis, Larry, and Greg Rosenthal Elizabeth Kestler in memory of Scott Rosenthal Victoria Bradshaw in memory of Alexander W. Leonard John Santoro and Pam Bennett-Santoro in memory of Jeremiah Cole Bradshaw in memory of Paula Rosina Santoro; and in honor of Ann Kimtantas Mike and Martha Santoro, Dan Santoro, and Joan and Bill Campbell in memory of John Charles Kimtantas Steve and Tina Bennett in memory of Lesley Michelle Campbell Mickey and Steven Schmeisser The Knapp Family in memory of Melissa and Emily Schmeisser Susan and Gary Chan in memory of Russell Knapp Mark Tabak Charitable Lead Trust in memory of Rachael Reneé Chan in memory of Mark Tabak Mr. and Mrs. Knight Rekha Chandra in memory of Klara Morgan Knight Circle of Caring (500–$999) in memory of Nayan Chandra Ellen and Tom Komadina Patricia Chiota and Richard G. Payne John Coggins in memory of Ann Michelle Komadina in memory of Kendra Chiota Payne in memory of John Coggins III Georgia and Bruce Cockerham Allan Korsower in memory of Zachary Owen Ward Sarah and Daniel Collins in memory of Sgt. Jason S. Korsower Brian Donohue in memory of Margaret Mutschler Carney in memory of Jack Donohue Irene and Edward Kostetsky Carol and Arthur Ehde Robin Costa in memory of Daniel Kostetsky in memory of Pamela Ranae Lais in memory of Noah Samuel Grindstaff Costa Mark Gedlinske Theresa and David Langer in memory of Justin Lee Clayton DAS Distribution, Inc. in memory of Sarah Elizabeth Langer Heidi Horsley in memory of Melissa C. Galka in memory of Scott Preston Horsley Chris Leiter iGive.com Mr. and Mrs. DeVoe in honor of Ben Sieff Infosurv, Inc. in memory of Brian Alexander DeVoe Marie and Phil Levine in memory of Peter Adam Levine Reva and John Lizzadro in memory of James “Chris” Lizzadro Diane and Keith Loder in memory of Stephanie and Stephen Loder (continued on page 16) Our Apologies . . . Due to an error on our part, a generous donation by Kitty Edler, in memory of Mark and Rich Edler, which should have been included in the Circle of Love donor category, was unintentionally excluded from donor lists published in We Need Not Walk Alone. We wish to extend our deepest apologies to Kitty for this oversight and thank her for her continuing support! 14 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

FRIENDS, CARING AND SHARING assist with the extra day’s hotel room cost, we will waive the conference 2012 National Conference/International Gathering– registration fee for one person from Costa Mesa, California each participating chapter. The program will begin at 8:00 a.m. and run until The Compassionate Friends National Conference plays host to TCFers from 5:00 p.m. Breakfast and lunch will be around the world for an International Gathering this July in Costa Mesa, California. served to the participants. Sorry, no Great speakers and entertainers will be combined with a myriad of talented on-site registration will be available. workshop presenters. The actual conference, which runs from July 20 through July 22, will offer pre- and post-events. One of the pre-events will be a Spanish-language Two additional Chapter Leadership workshop and sharing session conducted on Thursday. Watch TCF’s website at Training Programs will be held in 2012: www.compassionatefriends.org for the most up-to-date information. May 18–20: Chicago, Illinois Board of Directors Election Slate Autumn: To be announced The TCF Board of Directors has approved the following slate of candidates for the 2012 Board of Directors election: Registration forms are sent to all chapters for these programs and will Barbara Allen, Ellicott City, Maryland Joan Campbell, Waxahachie, Texas also be available on the Leadership Georgia Cockerham, Brookings, Oregon Chuck Collins, Fairfax, Virginia website. Brian Janes, Olathe, Kansas Ann Khadalia, Concord, California Webinars From the above slate, three people will be elected. Candidates were selected The Compassionate Friends is based on their TCF activities and involvement; distance from their immediate now offering monthly webinars on grief; time and energy to work with the board and public in the implementation of grief- related subjects as a service to the goals of the organization; skills in the areas of particular interest to the board’s our membership. A library of previous future development; and geographic location. webinars is maintained on The Compassionate Friends website. For New Chapters times and listings of upcoming webinars, visit www.compassionatefriends.org. We welcome the following recently chartered chapters: Past webinars include: “Handling Grief TCF of Middlesex County ~ Middletown, Connecticut through the Holiday Season,” “Getting TCF of Apopka ~ Apopka, Florida Stuck and Unstuck,” and “Caring for TCF of Clark County ~ Marshall, Illinois Your Health While Grieving.” TCF of Southwest Iowa ~ Avoca, Iowa TCF of Western Kentucky ~ Paducah, Kentucky Facebook TCF of Bellefonte ~ Bellefonte, Pennsylvania Join TCF on Facebook for extra TCF of the Susquehanna Valley ~ Danville, Pennsylvania support between chapter meetings. TCF of West Texas ~ Odessa, Texas Respond to the post of the day, visit the discussion boards, or give and receive Recently Reorganized: support to those grieving the death of a TCF of Durango ~ Durango, Colorado child. We are almost 32,000 members TCF of Niceville ~ Niceville, Florida strong. We also have a Spanish- TCF Savannah ~ Savannah, Georgia language Facebook page, Los Amigos Compasivos/USA! TCF of Toombs County ~ Vidalia, Georgia Walk to Remember® Sponsor the National Office for a Week Fund-raising Opportunity The services provided by the National Office are free to all who need them, and The opportunity is again available in this spirit, we are providing the opportunity for those who believe in our mission this year to participate in the Friends to help us financially by sponsoring the National Office for a week. By participating Asking Friends fund-raising opportunity. in this new program, you can “Sponsor the National Office for a Week” in memory Participants can build a website of your child, sibling, grandchild, relative, or friend. Sponsorships are $150 honoring their own child or a website each, and we will accept up to two sponsors each week. Sponsors will have the for all the chapter’s children with opportunity to have a picture of their loved one on the TCF national home page, proceeds going to the local chapter. with a picture and story about their loved one on an inside page. This program will With a minimum of effort you can raise need your support to be successful. a substantial amount of money for TCF. Watch TCF’s website for information. Chapter Leadership Training Programs The program will begin in March. v This year we will again provide a unique opportunity for chapter leadership to attend a Chapter Leadership Training Program (CLTP) at the National Conference. A full-day CLTP will be held Thursday, the day before the conference starts. To WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 15

The Compassionate (Patrons, continued from page 14) Nancy Amstad-Hite Friends in memory of Seth H. Martin Peggy Lovering Board of Directors in memory of Lee Steven Lovering Harla and Peter Anderson in memory of Cody Tyler Anderson Patrick O’Donnell Lillian Broox Manis Foundation President in memory of Lilli Manis Leona Anderson in memory of Roderick Lavon Anderson and Westland, MI Judy McDonald Wyatt Michael Rose in memory of Darren Kyle McDonald Georgia Cockerham Maureen and Roger Anderson Vice President Miriam and Kenneth McLellan Brookings, OR in memory of Donald and Marilyn McLellan Sharon and Scott Anderson in memory of Ashton Faye Anderson Dale L. Dullabaun Jr. Robert Meganck Treasurer Joyce and Basil Andrews Barbara Meislin–The Purple Lady Fund in memory of Rhonda L. Andrews, Dorothy Pellegrin, Los Angeles, CA in memory of Ann Ladd; and in honor of Catherine Patillo and Dale Billeaud and Pat Loder Nivia Vazquez Mary Ellen and John Ankeney Secretary The Merrifield Family in memory of Megan Ankeney in memory of Nikolas Merrifield Guaynabo, PR Marge and Steve Anzalone Kathy and Steve Miller in memory of Jenny Anzalone Patricia Loder in memory of Samuel Miller Executive Director Debbie, Jeff, Katie, and Matt Appell Peggy Monarch in memory of Dale Dullabaun III Oak Brook, IL in memory of John Monarch Elder Marie and Barbara Arch Chuck Collins Jeanne and Tom Morse in memory of Rich Molnar Fairfax, VA in memory of Jennifer M. Jacobi Karen and Dale Arnott Steven Czirr Kathy Pender in memory of Laura Kay Arnott Spring Hill, TN in memory of Michael James Pender Helen Arsenault Ann Hood Carmen and Jeff Pope in memory of Gary E., David D. and Traci L. DeMoura, Providence, RI in memory of Tom and Christopher Pope and Matthew Arsenault Heidi Horsley Melissa Price Amparo Atencio New York, NY in memory of Joshua Lynn Humphreys in memory of Tony Phillips Glen Lord Linda and Stephen Quinn Jim Atkinson Nashua, NH in memory of Steve Fullen Carol Rhodebeck Tracy Milne, Sibling Rep. in memory of Melvin Heckert, Drake Heckert, Chas Wachtel, Cathy and Carl Baab Bonita Springs, FL and Steve Burge in memory of Colden Baab-Bernard John Santoro Karen and David Rosenthal Robin Baer Morristown, NJ in memory of Rebekah in memory of Samantha Rose Baer Steve Schmeisser Arlene and Robert Ruggiero Claudia Baggerly DePere, WI in memory of Brenda Joan Ruggiero in memory of Jess Baggerly Correspondence for the Sharm Scheuerman Carole and Henry Bailey Board of Directors should be sent in memory of Rodney Thein in memory of Matthew John Bailey to the board president at Wilbert Schmidt Renee and Earl Bailey [email protected] or in memory of Fredrich A. Schmidt in memory of Melissa Renee Bailey Wolfram mailed to 37758 Marquette, Sandy and Peter Sears Elizabeth Barbera Westland, MI, 48185. in memory of Amy Marie Sears Sharon Barger v Georgia and Hank Sheer in memory of Bradley Ray Meisenbach in memory of Erin Abigail Sheer Vicky Barney Marian and Blaine Shull in memory of Ann Sharon and Jim Sims Jeanette Bartlett in memory of Jeffery Sims Gail Bartley Susan and John Stanfield in memory of John David Stacy in memory of Kelly and Erin Stanfield Michelle Bartolomei Greg Stewart in memory of Carina Hope Bartolomei in memory of John Protiva Pat Barwood Shari and Kurt Streutker in memory of Kevin Allen Barwood in memory of Celeste Streutker Sonya Batten Irene and Robert Thornton in memory of Aaron S. Lopp in memory of Patrick Shinoda Thornton Sandy Baumann United Way Donors in memory of Colette Baumann Robert Vaught Betty Bechel in memory of Jason Bechel Jania and Tom Wagenknecht in memory of Carl Wagenknecht Marilyn and Jim Belanic in memory of Katie Belanic Frances and Ted Wampler Julia and Kyle Bell in memory of Mary Lee Wampler in honor of the Fryer Family Carol and Carl Wojciechowski Marsha and Lee Bell in memory of Adam Wojciechowski in memory of Marleea Anne Bell Gerfen Merle and Donald Young Janice Bergh in memory of Sean Young in memory of Christopher Robin Wibeto Circle of Friends ($50–$199) Lawrence Bergstresser Nita and Paul Aasen in memory of Emma Grace Elnicki in memory of Erik and David Aasen Joyce Berry Barb and Bob Adams in memory of Scott Eric Miller in memory of Robert Adams Charlotte Addington Libby and Danny Berry in memory of Mary Shawn Addington in memory of Christopher Shawn Berry, Luke Shaun Hilton, and Todd Tyler Christmas Kathleen and John Affeldt in memory of Joshua Crawford Matt Bevenour in memory of Maggie Bevenour Sharon Ahnert in memory of John F. Ahnert Sarah and John Bible in memory of Melissa Bible; and in honor of Laura and Sherri Altman Samantha Bible in memory of Jessie Sierra Altman Jane Bielecki in memory of Brian J. Bielecki Sheri Amato in memory of Eric James Kalber (Continued on page 18) 16 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

Where Is My Miracle? mind: Would this be the night that I lose her? In the morning when I went to wake her up, I’d find the answer. For a little ~By Angela Brandt over ten years, I was greeted by Lily’s bright blue eyes and a smile; her laughter as I lifted her out of bed to hug her close to While in chat the other night someone asked the question, me. Every morning that this happened was a miracle. “Where was my miracle?”in regards to losing their child. My This all brings me back to the original question, “Where thoughts have been consumed by that question ever since. What is my miracle?” The answer for me would be, “Buried in a is a miracle? I had to go look it up in the dictionary and this is cemetery.” Lily was and always will be my miracle. Was I what I found. deserving? Probably not, but Lily is the only one who can answer that question. v Miracle: Angela Brandt was blessed to have her precious angel Lily 1. an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that Johnson, “my munster,” for a little over ten years. She opted surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to be Lily’s full-time caregiver, as she had many medical issues to a supernatural cause. related to a genetic disorder, partial monosomy 21q. Angela currently lives in Minnesota and is involved with the TCF online 2. such an effect manifesting or considered as a work of God. support chat room.You can reach her at [email protected]. 3. a wonder; marvel. 4. a wonderful or surpassing example of some quality. Permission Granted, continued from page 12) In thinking about this more, I wondered who is even meaning. People I thought were my closest friends have deserving of a miracle. Am I deserving? I would love to say grown distant. My wife and I don’t get along like before. that I am, but I don’t believe that to be true. Do I believe that Countless others who have walked a path of grief tell of I’m a good person? Yes, but that depends on who you would be similar pain and experiences that burn in their souls, too. I comparing me to. Am I more deserving than any other person learned something else as well: men who don’t cry suffer out there? No. much longer than those who do. I have come to realize that I’ve been looking at this question My wife and I started going to support meetings. all wrong. First, I was thinking of miracles happening only Afterward, I drank plenty of water to replenish my body on a grand scale, the kind that affects many people. Not all from crying so much. And after a while I realized that these miracles need to be on a grand scale. Second, I was thinking support meetings were helping, but they weren’t enough. I that miracles only revolved around religion. I was figuring that needed to keep my son’s name alive and honor his memory. without “religious faith,” there could be no miracle. With this Subsequently, I created a large memorial website. This insight, I began to think back on my life. allowed me to sit in front of my computer for hours reliving the short 24 hours we had together. The grief website forums November 14, 1998, holds very little meaning for most were a lifeline as well. I could read others’ grief stories until people. For me, it is the day that I began my journey as a my eyes hurt too much to continue. I also reached out to mother. Conceiving a child happens every day for many others who desired the same support as I. people and wouldn’t necessarily be thought of as a miracle. As I was on birth control at the time, the chance that I would I had to come to terms with the fact that the world still become pregnant was small, but when you also consider that turns after Diego’s death. I have found that acceptance is we used a condom, the chances of conceiving a child were the answer to all my problems. There is no amount of anger next to impossible. Yet the impossible seemed to happen: that will bring Diego back. That being said, for me, I try to a miracle. live more in the now and less in the past or the future. I once heard, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and April 16, 2005; yet another day that is meaningless to most today is a present.” Daily, I unwrap my present and reflect on people. However, what was said would never happen, did the past 24 hours before bed. Instead of anger and resentment, happen. Doctors had always told me that Lily would never be I have turned my focus more to helping others. Through the able to walk on her own, but on this day, she proved them all help of others, Diego’s memory remains alive and well. v wrong. Lily didn’t just take one or two steps she walked across an entire room. She walked to me. The emotions of seeing Lily Trevor is the father of four beautiful boys, Nate, Diego, do this brought me to my knees. What most parents take for Alexander, and Sebastian, and is married to their amazing granted was something I believed would never happen for my mother, Zegee. They live in Phoenix, Arizona, and have attended child. Words escaped me and all I had were tears of joy. I was meetings at the Westside Chapter of TCF in Phoenix and MISS in awe over what I had just seen: a miracle. Foundation as well. Trevor is self-employed. However, when he isn’t working or being a father, he enjoys spending time with Lily was a child who was never meant to survive. No matter those who need a little help in life. You can find out more about what I did or how much I loved her, I could never change that Diego at www.diegosplace.virtual-memorials.com. fact. For a little over ten years, every night when I would put Lily to bed, the question was always lurking in the back of my WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 17

(Patrons, continued from page 16) Gwendolyn Carroll Marion Curka Pat and Howard Billings in memory of Ronald “Bitzy” Hamilton Jr. in memory of Paul Curka in memory of Robert and Allen; and in honor of their family members Rosa Carter Lois and Chris Curran in memory of Luke Carter Marc Bilodeau and Family Diane and Jim Cutts in memory of Stephen Sandy Carrie and Rich Caruso in memory of Brett Cutts in memory of Tony Cabrera Joan Binkow Peggy and Bill Dalton Georgia and Terry Blazevic Fran Casabona in memory of Kevin Dalton in memory of Bryce Blazevic in memory of Patrick Casabona Jr. Nancy and Michael D’Amore Joan and Fred Bliss Suzanne and Henry Cassel in memory of Michael and Penny Lynn Boelk in memory of Gregory Cassel in memory of Chris Boelk Heather and Michael Dankert June and Ted Cathcart in honor of Ellen and Terry Noble Linda Bondra in memory of Theodore K. (Todd) Cathcart in memory of Kirsten Brooke Bondra Leslie Davidson Linda Cavalier in memory of Patrick Ross Davidson Jr. Marla Bopp in memory of Judd Cavalier in memory of Christopher Aaron Arnold Edith Davis Trisha and Mike Cayton in memory of Janet Elaine Davis Cathryn Boudreau in memory of Jack “Brent” Schoener in memory of Peter Philmore Linda Davis Laura and Tom Chandler in memory of Brian Jeffrey Davis David Boudreau in memory of Carey Chandler; and in honor of in memory of Matthew David Boudreau Harry Chandler Jill Davison in memory of Paige Davison Delores Boughton Janet Chapman in memory of Katherine and Mary Kay Boughton in memory of Jesse Greenberg Angela Dazzo in memory of Stephanie Dazzo Paterek Mr. and Mrs. Bowden Barbara Chiulli Anne Brack in memory of Philip Panetta Randy Dean in memory of Chelsea Marie Brack Bernie, Tom, and Kyle Chrismer Dean Foods Matching Gift Jessica Braithwait, Katie Silva, Sarah Rufenacht, and in memory of Carolyn Marie Chrismer Rachael Rufenacht Jeanne and John DeFrance in memory of Whitley Ann Peterson Dean Christman in memory of Michael DeFrance and Brian Hull in memory of Nathan Christman Mary Bredemeier Pauline Deges in memory of Henry Warren Bredemeier Caroline Christopherson in memory of Susan Marie Deges Bette Brennan Mia and Warren Chun Jean and Roger DeHaan in memory of Michael Thomas Brennan in memory of Hannah DeHaan Diane and Don Clark Marjorie Brewer in memory of Carl E. Adkins Janice Dengis in memory of Douglas and Susan Brewer in memory of Lauren Dengis Jan and Jim Clark Mary and Jerry Brickner in memory of Joseph Arthur Korth Mary Denien in memory of Matthew J. Brickner in memory of Gary Robert Denien Nancy Clark Cynthia Bridgewater in memory of Joshua Boundy Lynn and Charles Derrick in memory of Michael Bridgewater in memory of Michael Derrick Rebecca Clark Merlin Brockway in memory of Justin Clark and Amanda Kwick Joseph DeSantis in memory of Clinton S. Brockway in memory of Donnamarie and Joseph P. DeSantis Jr. David Clayton and Gayle DeKellis Joy and Chuck Brown in memory of Zach Clayton Judy and Walter Dever in memory of Charles Christopher Brown in memory of Joshua James Dever Mr. and Mrs. Coggins Jr. Karen Brown in memory of Elizabeth Rose Coggins Sandra and Jon Devermann in memory of David A. Allbery in memory of Matthew Ashcraft Ronald Cohen Sue Brown in memory of Jesse Ray Cohen Helen Di Maggio in memory of Frank Jason Gallardo Sharon and Butch Colbert Joe Diedrichs Inara Brubaker in memory of Lionel J. M. Colbert, Anna J. Colbert, and in memory of Griffin Joseph Diedrichs in memory of Erika Jane and Andra Elaine Brubaker Jory M. Chavez Timothy Dillon Faye and Jim Bundy Gordon Collins in memory of Ian Christopher Dillon in memory of David J. Bundy in memory of Cynthia Lee Kessler and Iris Lent-Koop Arlene DiPietro Juanita Bundy Audrey and Jay Conners in memory of Joseph C. Bundy in memory of Leslie Ann Conners Barbara and Chuck Dixon in memory of Christopher Lee Dixon Laura Burnham Kay and Fred Cooke in memory of Darryl Anne Burnham in memory of Morgan Elizabeth Cooke Michelle Doll in memory of Justin Gleyre Doll Charlotte and James Burns Agnes Coon in memory of Edward James Burns in memory of Richard Molnar Eleanor and Ken Donatelli in memory of Michael J. Donatelli Shirley and Jim Burnside Francine Cooper in memory of Kirk Burnside, Teresa Burnside, and in memory of Patrick Michael Cooper Denise Dow Elizabeth Marie (Libby) Ives in memory of Samantha Bussenger Joanne and Bill Cooper Daniel Busch in memory of Bennett and Kathryn Cooper Jean Dow in memory of Joshua S. Busch in memory of Randy Dow Laurie Cooper and Howard Fankhauser Janine Busch Woytowicz in memory of Colin Fankhauser Rodney Drake, M.D. in memory of Benjamin Mathew Busch Ana Cortez Cindy and Tommy Driskill Carrie Byrd in memory of Lissette Cortez in memory of Kristin Rae Driskill in memory of Shawne Alison Phillips Maria Cota Carole and Peter Dyck Sally and Rick Calabrese in memory of Christopher P. Dyck in memory of Kelly Ann Calabrese Jean and Bill Cotter in memory of Patrick J. Cotter Pat and Jeff Dyson Sharon and Bill Caldwell in memory of Blake Jefferson Dyson in memory of Brian Caldwell Kathy and C. J. Couvillion in memory of Stephen Paul Couvillion Muffy and Bob Eager Anne Calvey in memory of Brian Eager in memory of Anne Lois Kortsch Ronal Cox in memory of Stacy W. Cox Donna and Ralph Eastman Janet and Julian Cannon in memory of Ralph Michael Eastman in memory of Julie Evanne Cannon Susan Craft in memory of Tommy L. Craft Nina Eberly Cape Regional Medical Center in memory of Mark Andrew Eberly in memory of Gary LaRue Sharon and George Craig in memory of Isaac Burle Craig and Zeb Brubaker Judy and John Ebersberger The Staff of Carlow University’s Student Affairs in memory of Katherine Ann Ebersberger in memory of Margaret Carney; and in honor of Linda and Steve Crow Sr. Sheila Carney in memory of Emily Elizabeth White Mitzi Eckert in memory of Christopher Shane Collier Nicki Carnahan Kersey Lesly Crowder in memory of Luke Carnahan in memory of Ryan Crowder Julie and Bill Edgar in memory of Michael Edgar 18 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE Kathy and Tom Crowley in memory of Timm Crowley Mary Edwards in memory of Michael Edwards Barbara Culver Sherry Effertz in memory of Kayla Sophie Evenson

Colleen Ehret Gloria Garza Sandy and Brian Harter in memory of Brandt Michael Koehler in memory of Daniel V. Garza in memory of Nicholas Morgan Harter Debbie Elkins Evelyn and Norman Gaudrault Doris and Harvey Hartman in memory of Paul Gaudrault in memory of Melissa Ann (Hartman) Cino Peggy and Jim Eller Gloria and Gary Gavin Susan and Mark Hauck Becky and Richard Engborg in memory of Kraig Stephan Gavin in memory of Jimmy in memory of Andrew Engborg Barbara Gearty Betty Hawkshaw Karen and Bob Erwin in memory of Shane Patrick Gearty in memory of Dennis B. Hartman in memory of Jill Christine Erwin The Gerosa Family Tammy and Jeff Hayes Janelle and Fred Etoch in memory of Delaney Elizabeth Smith in memory of Michael Rubinstein in memory of Evan Etoch Toni and Robert Gibson Sr. Jackie and Duane Hegna Becky Evans in memory of Patti Ann Gibson in memory of Jon Derek Hegna in memory of Andy Thompson and Madeleine Wilshire Sandra Gillen Tim Heiberger Elizabeth and Carville Evering in memory of Darryl Penton in memory of Jessica Leigh Heiberger in memory of Catherine E. Evering Sandy and Ron Gilliland Vicki Heilweil Deborah Factor in memory of Mandi Gilliland in memory of Neil Heilweil in memory of Joyce Burkhart Maxine and Paul Gilson Gary Helfman Frank Failla in memory of Michael Halpert in memory of Ryan Helfman in memory of Emily and Lauren Failla Carol Ginsburg Tammy and Lyle Helgeson Joan and Randy Fameree in memory of Jared Helgeson Denise Ginszauskas Diane and Tony Famiano in memory of Michele Ginszauskas Valerie Hellinger in memory of Wendy Leigh Famiano in memory of Matthew David Dion Peggy and Alan Gitersonke Gloria Fava in memory of Holly Ann Odom Sue and Mike Hemesath in memory of Stephen R. Fava in memory of Stacy A. Hemesath Michael Giuliano Mary Lee Fawcett David Hendricks in memory of Scott, Barry, Jim, Dan Cole, and Jimmy Myron and Marsha Glasssenberg in memory of David Hendricks II in memory of Brian Glassenberg Janice and David Feaga Sara Henkin in memory of Travis Feaga and Cathrine Evering Tucci Joel Jeffrey Glick Memorial Philanthropic Fund in memory of Jodee Brooke Henkin in memory of Joel Jeffrey Glick Martha and Dick Fenoglio Delores Hensley in memory of Judith Fenoglio Daw Kara Gloeckner in memory of Nichole Lee Hensley in memory of Kody Johnson Cathy Fielder Mildred Herman in memory of David Matthew Gray Fielder Mary and Howard Goetz in memory of Susan Jean Herman in memory of Howie Goetz III Antonia Filipiak Tim Hester in memory of Leon Harwood II Tom Gold Connie and Mark Hill in memory of William Harris Gold in memory of Chad Hill Allison and Mark Finkelstein in memory of David Samuel Finkelstein Marlene and Fred Goldberg Marguerite Hill in memory of Dr. Elliot D. Goldberg in memory of Eric T. Hill Bridget and Stephen Flanders in memory of Samuel Frank Flanders Rita Goldfarb Linda, Ivan, and Joshua Hinds in memory of Jeffrey Goldfarb Hawes in memory of Steven Michael Halverson Penny and Manny Flecker in memory of 1LT Norman T. S. Flecker Dorene and Emil Goryeb Pauletta Hodges in memory of Gregg T. Goryeb in memory of Kimberly Logsdon Waters Kathy Flett Nancy Grabarczyk Harriet Hodgson Richard Floreani in memory of Carol Jean Grabarczyk in memory of Helen Hodgson Welby Kim and Claude Flowers Sally and Joseph Grablick Joan and Dale Hofmeister in memory of Rodney Thein and his son, Rodney Jr. in memory of J. Ryan Wecker in memory of Dennis M. Hofmeister Gertrude Fobbs Ruth Graham Paula and Mike Holder in memory of Charles W. Fobbs in memory of Mary Graham in memory of Andrew (Drew) Holder Janet Folley Suzanne and Richard Graham Heather Holland in memory of Samantha Graham in memory of Piper Lynne Buckley Nancy Fortier Vickie Graham Lynda Holman Lynne and Roger Foster in memory of Brendan Paul Dover in memory of Richard Holman in memory of Mark Foster Grainger Matching Charitable Gifts Program Karen and Michael Horeth Michele and Mark Fracasso in memory of Jordan Michael Horeth in memory of Mark R. Fracasso Jr. Betty Gray in memory of Ricky Tucker Beverly Horn Averil Fraser in memory of Lawrence Scott Horn in memory of Errol Fraser Jr. Gail and Leonard Greenbaum in memory of Adam Ross Greenbaum Lucia and Wayne Howard James Fraser in memory of Shaelee C. McDaniel in memory of Glen R. Fraser Sandra Greenly in memory of Michael Greenly Delois Hughes Fresh Audio & Video, LLC Karen Huper Dorothy Greiner in memory of Cory Michael Sivertson Huper Sue Freshwater in memory of Jeffrey and Michael Kalldin Lynne and Ray Grigsby Gail and Ray Husveth in memory of Brian Joseph Grigsby in memory of Joseph Mazzetta and Garrett Husveth Linda Frost in memory of Linnette L. Dixon Mary Grinavic Mark Imel in memory of Christine Grinavic in memory of Chase M. Imel Peggy and William Fry in memory of Christopher Read Fry Rosemary and Daniel Haemmerle Deb and Russ Imlay in memory of Janice Haemmerle Krumanaker and in memory of Seth Imlay Rosalind and James Fulmer Stephen Daniel Haemmerle in memory of Mark William Fulmer Judy Immel Sandra and Roger Hale in memory of David Immel Marilyn and Glenn Futrell in memory of David H. Hale in memory of John Robert Woodfin Teresa Immerman Ann and Mike Hall in memory of Daniel Immerman Barbara Gaddis and Paul Volker in memory of Kyle Simonson in memory of Owen Paul Volker; and in honor of Bonnie Ingram Tim and Kate Volker Tamara Hallis in memory of Paul Leland Rodgers in memory of Shayler Hallis Mary Jane and John Gahagan Betsy and Michael Jarrett in memory of Sean Gahagan Diana and Bobby Hamer in memory of Michael Jarrett in memory of Bobby E. Hamer III Linda Gallagher Linda Jayne and Family in memory of Tracy Philip Kildebeck Janet and Frank Hanig in memory of Melanie and Jennifer Laughlin in memory of Adam Hanig Liz Garcia Janet Jenkins in memory of Erik Steven Holmgren Teri Hansen in memory of Alan Jenkins in memory of Anna Paulson Olivia and Ruben Garcia Carol and Gerry Johnson in memory of Lorenzo Garcia Kyle Hanson in memory of Karen E. Johnson in memory of Chandie Hanson Behm Elizabeth Garvey (Continued on page 22) in memory of Richard James “Richie” Garvey Edie and Pete Happe in memory of Roberta Louise Happe WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 19 Marie and Rod Harley

Ken Ryan The Worldwide Candle Lighting® gave unity to the grief world by helping The Greater Manchester/Nashua Chapter Worldwide Candle Lighting® held at St. Anthony of Padua Church in Manchester, so many to realize they are not alone in New Hampshire their grief during the difficult holiday season, and that others grieve with them, The Compassionate Friends regardless of where they may live. Posts Worldwide Candle Lighting® left on TCF’s Facebook page numbered more than a thousand, as members ~By Wayne Loder, Public Awareness Coordinator shared remembrances and expressed the importance of the Worldwide Candle Thank you Compassionate Friends, Lighting® to them. for helping everyone keep their memories alive! If no Worldwide Candle Lighting ~ Megan event was held in your area last year, you are invited to organize one for As a virtual wave of light encircled larger than that, as untold numbers the 2012 event, to be held Sunday, of families lit candles in homes and December 9, coinciding with Hanukkah, the globe, the 15th Compassionate together with relatives and friends. the celebration of lights. For more Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting® information on how to plan a WCL on Sunday, December 11, 2011, touched “The response to this day is service, please visit TCF’s national the hearts of hundreds of thousands of always heartwarming,” says TCF website. people grieving the death of a child. Executive Director Patricia Loder. “During the holiday season, many A few posts from TCF/USA’s The event was created by The bereaved parents feel alone, as if their Facebook Page: Compassionate Friends to give those child who died never existed in the grieving a child one special day during minds of friends and relatives. This Ally: Thank you, TCF. My husband and the difficult holiday season to remember Worldwide Candle Lighting® allows I lost our son November 4th. A friend of and honor the child missing from their us to join together in telling the world ours told us about the candle lighting home. It is a day of unity where tens that every child is important and that no ceremony and we are truly grateful. of thousands join together in child is ever forgotten.” Participating last evening was the remembrance of children gone too soon, healing we both welcomed. regardless of ethnic, cultural, religious, More than 5,000 messages of love or political boundaries. were left in TCF’s Remembrance Karen: While I was at the candle Book the day of the Worldwide Candle lighting, several friends texted me the The Compassionate Friends national Lighting® (these can be viewed photos of the candles they had lit for website received and posted information throughout the year through a link from my son. . . . The ceremony was very on 550 services open to the public in the Worldwide Candle Lighting® page at touching. the United States and 18 countries www.compassionatefriends.org). abroad. But the remembrance was far Teresa: I attended my second Candle Lighting on Sunday. It was just as beautiful and moving as last year. I did . . . notice a change in me. Instead of sobbing through the whole ceremony, I found myself feeling the hurt and grief of the others in the room and empathizing with their pain. Maybe I am healing. . . . v 20 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

~By John Thayer counselor, had asked how my sister and her baby were doing. She knew the due date was close. Running late, I’d smiled and Lighting a candle is usually simple, but when I lit one in said they were doing great and that I had a picture to show her when I got back. It was the picture my sister had sent late memory of my niece during the Worldwide Candle Lighting® Thursday night after she had finished the crib. Now, as I made this year, I found it to be very difficult. my way back to the building, I knew things weren’t so great. They were awful. The worst had happened. As I was getting ready for church, I received a text message from my sister, who lost a daughter three years ago. Her I dropped off some keys at the desk and went to Michelle’s message read, “Today is Worldwide Candle Lighting day. We office. Her glowing smile dropped as she saw me turn the are asking that you please light a candle at 7:00 p.m. in loving corner. She asked what was wrong, and after I’d closed her memory of our angel, Alicyn Grace, and let it burn for one door, I lost it again. She jumped up and gave me a hug as I told hour. It would mean so much. Thanks!” her my sister had lost the baby. I had to participate. It was about what it meant to my sister Preparing the candle took me back to the moment I walked and brother-in-law. After church I went to Walmart for what into my sister’s house where my mother and brother-in-law’s may have been my first-ever candle purchase. I just stood there mother, Pat, stood. Not a word was said. I walked across the looking at the candles. Minutes passed, carts pushed by as I floor and grabbed my mother with both arms as tears ran down picked a candle up and set it back down. When you are doing my face. Then I gave Pat a big hug and stood there trembling. something meaningful, you don’t just grab the first thing you see. It has to feel right. It took me back to the moment I walked in the hospital and didn’t want to go into my sister’s room but knew I had I finally picked up a white candle and a holder, but before I to. You see, my sister carried full term and was induced to walked away, something caught my eye. It was a candle holder deliver stillborn. As Mom grabbed the handle, she looked at in the shape of a heart. It could only go with a red-colored me and asked if I was ready. As strong as I could be in a weak candle, and with a smile, knew I had the right one. moment, I told her I was as ready as I would ever be. When the door opened I locked eyes with my sister and made a beeline That night I took the candle with me to a company to her side. She cried when she saw me as I reached down to Christmas party. I was planning to get away from the party give her the biggest hug I ever had. at the right time and light the candle where it could burn for one hour. At 6:14 p.m., I received another text message from It took me back to the moment standing outside of the my sister. “Never knew lighting a candle could be this hard. delivery room when the process was complete and there was The flicker of the fire is dancing steadily . . . wonder if she is only silence. For a moment I said a prayer with the words, dancing with it. Love you guys!” “Please cry,” but there was nothing. As a tear filled my eye, I responded, “You know she is.” I It made me think about the late nights up with my sister, as started to wonder if this was going to be hard. There were so she cried and asked why. I had no answers. There was nothing many things running through my head as the Christmas party I could say . . . nothing I could do. began. I stood there with a smile and carried on conversation, although part of me was never present. It took me back to the April 23 graveside service, looking at a tiny box and thinking it was something for shoes and not As we went through gag gifts, I continued to watch the for my niece. It took me to the moment the balloons were clock. When my phone read 6:56 p.m., I excused myself and released into the sky, as I watched my two nephews’ balloons, went into the office where the candle was waiting. I stood there filled with toys for their sister to play with in heaven, bounce staring at the clock with the lighter in my right hand. As the through a tree and out the other side without popping. minutes ticked by, memories filled my thoughts. It all came back to me. And it happened quickly. As the With two minutes until lighting, I was taken back to that clock hit 7:00 p.m., I reached forward and lit the wick as a tear Friday morning in the middle of a Doane College parking lot streamed down my face. I stood over the burning flame and where I fell to my knees as I heard my mother’s voice say, stared at it. I wondered who she would be today. As I watched “Allie is gone,” over the phone. I remembered feeling incredibly the flame dance, I thought back to my sister’s message and weak . . . helpless. I was three hours away and couldn’t race to smiled as I took pictures of the burning candle. One of the my sister and give her a hug. We grew close after I moved to pictures made it to Facebook where I wrote my sister and college. Not sure why it took so long, but we talked a lot on the brother-in-law a message to let them know it was okay to let phone. Back on that Friday morning I remember wiping tears their candle go out. The light was continuing for another hour from my face as people curiously looked on. . . . in another time zone. I finally got up and walked across the campus where I had In Loving memory of Alicyn Grace Hosick (04/18/08) just given a tour. Before I’d left, Michelle, an admissions v John Thayer is the sports director for KCSR Radio in Chadron, Nebraska. A graduate of Doane College, John has spent the past four years covering high school and college sports for a variety of media outlets. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 21

(Patrons, continued from page 19) Kraft-Sussman Funeral Services Valerie Marderosian in memory of James-Paul Randall Sindt Michele and Steve Johnson Jeff Krell in memory of Lindsay Marie Johnson in memory of Ally Wood Diane and Dominic Mark in memory of Alena Rose Mark Pam Johnson Lois, Russ, and Brittany Kroeker in memory of Lori Jean Campbell in memory of Zachary and Matthew Kroeker Yolanda and Randy Marsh in memory of Stephanie Lauren Marsh Sandy Johnson Valerie and Robert Kurtz in memory of Jason Kurtz David Martin Lucille and Steve Johs in memory of Nicholas C. Johs Audrey Labiche Maxine and Frank Martin in memory of Mark Anthony Labiche in memory of Craig Martin Megan Jones in memory of John W. Jones V Nancy and Dean Laffey Steve Mason in memory of Philip Laffey in memory of Chris “Mase” Mason Susan and David Jones in memory of Eric Allen Jones Glori Lahetta Sheila and Richard Masterson in memory of Jimmy Lahetta in memory of Richard Kristina Jones and Crystal Rice in memory of Ryan Jones Vanda and Dennis Laloge Pete Mather in memory of Christine Laloge in memory of ENS Beth Anne Mather USN Joanne, Gray, and David Joyner in memory of Christopher Meridith Nancy and Scott Lambert Barbara and Ned Mathias and Family in memory of Brad Douglas Wildasin in memory of Angelena L. Blosser Susan Julian Donna and Tom Lancaster Mary Anne and Joe Mattero Beryl Kaminsky in memory of Shane Lancaster in memory of Peter Matrin Mattero in memory of Chad and Dawn Bushnell Bernice and Vito Lanza Jo Mattison Leigh and Mike Kane and Family in memory of Stephen Lanza in memory of Trey Cooper in memory of Shannon Kelly Kane Donna Larman Robin May-Davis Robert Kaplan in memory of George A. Bold IV in memory of Sara May in memory of Alison Ruth Kaplan Carissa Larsen Connie Mays Michele Karlsberg and Vicky Werner in memory of Emanuel Robert Larsen in memory of Richard Molnar Janet and Tom McAlister Julie and Don Larson in memory of Keith Alton McAlister Molly Kasperson in memory of Gregory Shawn Larson in memory of Rodney Thein Kim McArthur Deb Lawver in memory of Brandon Griffiths Linda and Howard Katz in memory of Ralph F. Patterson George McBride and Lois E. Kortum Patrick Keeling Legacy.com Inc. in memory of Timothy Patrick McBride in memory of Charlie McLane Kellie and Jerry LeTexier Anna and Mark McCarthy Ruth Keeling in memory of Tiffany LeTexier in memory of Michael Sasso in memory of Cory James Keeling Margie Levin and Claire Wilcoxson Cindy McClain Katy and Mike Keim in memory of Leigh Anne Marino in memory of Dylan Michael McClain James Kelley Susan and Robert Levy Barbara McClenahan in memory of Casey Kelley in memory of Chandra Levy in memory of David C. McClenahan Lisa Kelley Ann Lincoln and Kim Evans Kathleen McDaniel in memory of Jeremy Michael Kelley in memory of Tiffany O’Shell and Alyssa O’Shell in memory of Terry Scott and Wayne Harris Shirley and Tom Kelly Erica Lindemann Barbara McDonald in memory of Kristine Marie Kelly in memory of Amelia Grace Sperry in memory of Sean Christopher McDonald Sandra Thomas Keller Tamara and Terry Liptow Barbara and David McIntyre in memory of Brenda Lee Liptow Kathy and Alan Kennedy Kenneth McKelvey in memory of Kaitlyn E. Kennedy Becky Logsdon-Dougherty in memory of Chris McKelvey in memory of Darin S. Hart Gay Kennedy-Horton Evelyn McNeill in memory of Daniel Andrew Peterson Nancy and John Logue in memory of Phillippia A. Epps Dianna and Hossein Keshari Margery and Anthony Longo Gail McPherson in memory of Michelle Lynn Kubischke in memory of Chris Marie Longo Marcia and Frankie McQueen Donna Kessler Barbara and Clyde Lord in memory of Trina Marie McQueen in memory of Keith Kessler in memory of Sharon Lord Maureen and Frank Medeiros Elizabeth Keyes Jean and Rolland Lorenz in memory of David J. Medeiros in memory of Rodney T. Thein in memory of Susan and David Lorenz Lorna Meier Cindy Killingsworth Loving Moms in memory of Richard Meier and Charles J. Meier in memory of Blake Lusk in memory of Danny, Nick, Shain, Christopher, Joe, and Katie Andrea Meigs Cynthia Kimball Shirwill and Stephen Lukes in memory of Alexandra Nina Meigs in memory of Wayne Gordy in memory of McKinley Lukes Gina Melgoza Rita Kimmelman Beverly and Barry Lustig in memory of Alexis Danielle Melgoza in memory of Suzanne Helaine Lustig Ann and Don King Pam Mendoza in memory of Edward White King Marie and Wayne Luzzo in memory of Nikki Mendoza in memory of Joseph A. Luzzo Catherine and Michael King Sandra Menefee in memory of Sean King Mark Lynch in memory of Jason Lhotka in memory of Monica Lynch Nicole, Mike, Marlowe, and Zephyr King Selva Menendez Lynn and Norval Lyon in memory of Solange Menendez Gloria and Mike Kissel in memory of Rory David Boyer in memory of Kimberly Kissel Audrey and Donnie Mercer Barbara and Tom MacDonald in memory of Rodney Allen Mercer Dennis Klisch in memory of Matthew MacDonald Irwin Michelman Pattie Knight Jo and Rick Machon in memory of Elizabeth Ann Michelman in memory of Andrew B. Loch in memory of Madison Jo Gecho Susan and Doug Miduri Mel Koch Katie Mahon in memory of Nicholas Morret in memory of Dallas Koch in memory of Kevin Mahon Becky and Tom Mikowski Jean Koebel Gardner Karen and Tom Majusiak in memory of Peyton Alese Mikowski in memory of Charles K. Gardner in memory of Thomas Joseph Majusiak, Charles Majusiak, and Cassidy Majusiak Carol Miller Pamela Kokomoor in memory of Scott David Miller in memory of Zachary Henry Kokomoor Sally Maligas in memory of James Paul Maligas Laura and Rachel Miller and Bob Rine Charles Kolb in memory of Melissa Allison Sproles Maria and Steve Malin Christine and Mark Kopel Marilyn Miller in memory of Stephanie and Stephen Loder Bob Malkowski in memory of Scott Allen and Jeffery Lee Miller in memory of Tom Malkowski Linda and Mike Kosovec Sharon Miller in memory of Lauren Ann Kosovec Brook Mallak in memory of Frank David Handeland Susan and Lee Miller Barbara and Ed Kowal in memory of Nathan Miller in memory of Garrett Kowal Sandra Marder in memory of Eric Marder (Continued on page 24) Pamela and Nick Kozan in memory of Jack Barnett, “J.B.” Alice Kozik in memory of Regina Ann Kozik and Kristine Katherine Kozik 22 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

Mourning and Grieving: has said, we have had to create a new normal. I must have the courage to go on, not only for myself, but more importantly, Celebrating a Life Well-Lived for my husband and our other daughter. We all wear a silver chain bracelet with “COURAGE” engraved on one side and ~By Lynda Zussman “LAUREN 08” on the other side. Lauren’s courage inspires us, as she would so not want us to suffer. Rumi said it best: “Grief can be the garden of compassion.” My memories of her coming home, to our bed parties with I spotted this quote as I sat in my garden grieving over the her favorite foods, to reading magazines and studying fashion sudden death of our 26-year-old daughter. Jogging with her together, remind me of a girl stirring with delight. Tea parties fiancé in New York Central Park on Memorial Day 2008, and back scratching went along with watching old Richard Lauren Nicole Zussman went into cardiac arrest. One phone Gere movies (especially Pretty Woman, Autumn in New call changed the life of a virtually happy family. It was exactly York, and An Officer and a Gentleman) or Grey’s Anatomy. eight years to the day of almost succumbing to an overdose Laughing, once again at the movie Romy and Michele or of alcohol while vacationing at Lake Havasu. Clean and commenting on each young celebrity and their dramatic life. sober, never wavering, this Ford International Model almost Eating salmon with veggies drenched in olive oil, or eating became the poster child for the 12-Step Program. She was only endless bowls of my homemade soups; these memories put four courses short of a life coach credential from New York a smile on my face every time. Listening to her favorite University when she was unexpectedly taken away because of singer, Ray LaMontagne stirs our souls. I hope the light of her an unknown heart condition. memories overshadow the darkness of her passing. Temporarily, there is no value to life when you lose a child. Her Bohemian style of dress, similar to a French savvy I am now on the outside, looking into other houses filled with woman, had an unique style of its own, with wrapped-around life and laughter. I belong to a club that no one wants to join, colorful scarves and gypsy-style skirts, yet I envision her nor should they. The ebb and flow of the realization of death, donning a T-shirt, jeans, and boots. Lauren walked with poise being so final, terrifies my soul. Shock waves continue as a and dignity, even when she had her long, flowing, chestnut hair sense of denial weaves its way back and forth to a false sense in a ponytail under a cap and wearing sweats. of security. The conveyor belt of confusion, anger, sadness, guilt, and dread continues on, as a quiet death within me Our endless conversations about the latest spiritual book, permeates. I speak to my daughter daily, if only in my mind. or a profound weekend movie, were moving to both of us. Sometimes a report on a weekend of lectures from well-known The soothing music in the background, the burning sages contributed to her bank of knowledge. I will miss the candles, and the comfort of a maroon shawl surround the intimate dance of meaningful conversations that comes from many sleepless nights of my grieving. Photographs and visual trust and love. I will miss the give-and-take of sharing our memories of your flesh, your energy, and your breathtaking human side, when we would often hide from the real world. smile appear in the corner of my mind, as the wick from the candle illuminates the dark room. As I sip my cup of vanilla I hope that Lauren is with nature—she so loved the fragrant, Chai tea, your favorite evening pleasure, I quietly wipe my gardenia and jasmine flowers, willowing trees, and the ocean’s tears as I stare at the light with memories drifting in and out— waves. Lauren loved fairies, and we have a statue of a fairy from childhood woes to witnessing a mature woman evolving reading a book that looks a lot like her, sitting in our garden. through the disparity of life. We also have a bird feeder, with hummingbirds flying to it daily as we greet Lauren’s spirit. The quiet absence of your energy, whether by phone or in person, leaves me empty every day with endless sorrow. My But most of all, I think being of service to others gave her amputated limbs leave my body with an empty shell. I fear that the greatest joy. Perhaps after helping many, she continues to I will not feel life, as I have known it. The past is now a dream, help a new breed of needy souls, in another land, or on another as I have crossed over to the other side. And although I am still plane. Why else would her life have ended so abruptly? here on earth, I can never relive that lifeline between you and me, even though I know in my heart that the imaginary cord Many times, growing up, we made visual memories by will always unite us. closing our eyes during special times, like when we brought a new kitten home, or moved into a new house. My soul is I will always carry your voice, your passions, your incredible depleted, my spirit is broken, but I hang on to that cord, that love for your friends and your family, for you just got it: the rope, knowing that I will never relinquish it completely. true meaning of life before most of us ever did. I will carry you on my shoulder for a lifetime. We are simply better people There are so many unanswered questions, but I do know one because your human spirit has taught us so much about life. thing: there is no prescription for grieving. v It has been several months since Lauren’s passing and time Lynda Zussman lives in Newport Beach, California, and has has given us periods of normalcy, although, as my husband written the book Throw Me the Rope: A Memoir on Loving Lauren, available at Amazon.com. You can read more at Lynda’s website, throwmetheropebook.com, or contact her at [email protected]. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 23

(Patrons, continued from page 22) Cheri Ormsby Mary Reader and Stacey Green in memory of Josephine Marlenga in memory of Lindsey Hayden McLain Reader The Staff of Thomas Miller Elementary School in memory of Thomas Andrew Haynes, and in honor of Karen O’Rourke Carole Reese Janice Haynes in memory of Carrie Scott Ortiz in memory of Tania Tre’panier Tracy Milne Leila Otey Dianne and Herman Reininga in memory of Andrew G. Milne in memory of Brad Spelman in honor of Ellen and Terry Noble Mira’s Movement Mary Anne Owens Remembering Our Children in memory of all the children lost to cancer in memory of Mary Kay Owens in memory of their children Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell Linda and John Pace Mary and John Ribecky in memory of William Alexander Lewis Mitchell in memory of Keith A. Pace in memory of Kathryn Elizabeth Ribecky Nancy and Richard Moeller Robin and Pete Padavana Ellen Rieger in memory of Peter J. Padavana in memory of Ethan Everett Martin Teboho Moja in honor of Tumi McCallum Rao Palagummi Sherrill Rigney in memory of Padmapriya Palagummi in memory of Michelle Lynn Rigney Nancy and Anthony Molle in memory of William Lloyd Plummer; and in honor of Billy Iris Palley Cheryl Rinda in memory of David C. Bill Rudy Molnar Mary and Ted Palmer in memory of Richard Molnar in memory of Mark C. Palmer Pat Rizzo in memory of Daniel C. Rizzo Maria Monahan Diane and Richard Panke in memory of Tommy Monahan in memory of John Richard Panke Gail and Jeff Roberts in memory of Claire Aubrey Roberts Montefiore Medical Group Cheryl Paquette in memory of Vincent Cangro in memory of Bryant Paquette Jennifer Roberts in memory of Dave Snepp Nancy Mooney Linda Parkin in memory of Dorothy Pellegrin in memory of Sarah Day Heddy Mary and Vic Roberts in memory of Craig Matthew Roberts and Judy and Otis Moore Mr. and Mrs. Partridge Joshua Evan Roberts in memory of Karen Moore Hayden Rezondala and Thomas Patrick Melissa and Don Roberts Karen Moore in memory of Carmelita Patrick in memory of Shane Roberts in memory of Sam Moore Dan Pearson Nancy Roberts Sandy Moreland in memory of Justin Pearson in memory of Dave Snepp Jane and Dean Moren Wendi and Charles Peer April Robichaud in memory of Joel Albert Moren in memory of Ryley Peer in memory of Teddy Haeussler Loretta and Robert Morin Vicki and Pete Pellerito Jane Robinson in memory of Michael Anthony “Tony” Morin in memory of Annemarie Pellerito in memory of Richard “Rick” Douglas Robinson Linda and Larry Moris Mr. and Mrs. Pequignot Mr. and Mrs. Robles in memory of Larry Matthew Moris in memory of Wade Pequignot in memory of Robert A. Robles Bonita Morlese David Perkins Darline Rodgers in memory of Dwayne A. James in memory of Morgan Aaron Rodgers Shirley and Leonard Peters JoAnn and Frank Morrissey in memory of Mari Peters Prill Leslie Rolison in memory of David Michael Morrissey in memory of Delaney Leigh Rolison Norma Petersen Mike Moss in memory of Eric A. Petersen Norma Rollinger in memory of Morgan Moss in memory of Celeste Ann Kinney Julia and Mark Peterson Mr. and Mrs. Most in memory of Nicholas Paul Peterson Nancy Rollins in memory of Billy and Rebecca Most in memory of Christoher M. Rollins Lisa Peterson JoAnn Mozelewski in memory of Daniel John Ramirez Jacqueline and Danny Rolnick in memory of Amanda Davis in memory of Mia Sofia Rolnick Betsey and Pat Petit Ann and Adam Mumm in memory of Sarah Ellen Petit Jodi Rooney and Family in memory of Jack Adam Mumm in memory of Brendan Terrence Rooney; and in honor of Michael Petrizzo Leo Terrence Rooney Art and Mary Narverud in memory of Michael David Petrizzo Marilyn and Larry Roseberry Cathy and Robert Neeson The Phoenix Security Group in memory of Evan Roseberry in memory of Tiffanie Collins Kathryn Nejdl Bettye and Sam Rosenberg in memory of Timothy L. Nickos Phojoe in memory of Michael Rosenberg Betty Nelson Judy and Bob Pinsonnault Toby and Herbert Rosenberg and Family in memory of Mark Nelson in memory of Joshua Sullivan in memory of Dina Faith Rosenberg Judy and Bruce Nelson Judy and George Pizzo Barbara and David Rosner in memory of Brian Nelson in memory of Amber Pizzo in memory of David R. Rosner Pat Nigro Ken Porizek Lauren Rossi in memory of Joseph Nigro Jr. in memory of Jeffrey Michael Porizek Shirley Rubin-Rollins Kim Nissen Wanda and Robert Praisner in memory of Jason Louis Patterson in memory of Mark F. Vermeern in memory of Stephen John Praisner Coralease and Willie Ruff Etta and Chuck Nissman Denise and Jeff Pratt in memory of Candice (Kandy) M. Ruff in memory of Jeffrey Nissman in memory of Nikolai Luczki Lu Ruff Ellen and Alan Nunes Arlene Priest in memory of Carene Young in memory of Tyson Nunes in memory of Marc Priest Kathy and Rae Runck Joan and Bob Nypaver Layton Priest in memory of Daniel James Runck in memory of Theresa Marie Nypaver Karen Protiva Christine Rundell Ellen and Charles Oakley in memory of John A. Protiva in memory of Dale Timothy Oakley Jill and Robert Runke Shirley Pruitt-Streetman in memory of Amanda Runke Sherry O’Brien in memory of Gary Pruitt in memory of Kevin Patrick O’Brien Sandra and Kenneth Rupp and Family Frank Pruss in memory of Chris E. Rupp Janet and Pat O’Donnell in memory of Nicholas Raphael Falco III in memory of Brian Patrick O’Donnell Libby and Jim Rush Norman Pudenz in memory of David Louis Rush Shirley and Dennis O’Donnell in memory of Lauren O’Donnell and Paige Gibson Doreen and Patrick Raftery Bonnie Russo in memory of Coleen M. Raftery in memory of Matthew Russo Connie and Darrell O’Kelley in memory of Maureen Nicole O’Kelley Linda Ramga Chris and Greg Russo in memory of Douglas C. Ramga in memory of William F. Pyra Carol and Tom Olesen in memory of Travis J. Olesen Kathy and Dan Rausch Donna and Edward Rutkowski in memory of Max Benjamin Rausch in memory of George Rutkowski Judy and Harvey Olitsky in memory of Aaron Samuel Olitsky Beverly and Benton Rayborn Amy and Joe Rutledge in memory of Bobby Gale Rayborn in memory of Quentin Rutledge Christine and Robert Onges Catherine and Peter Read Doris O’Reilly-Dillon in memory of Mary Karen Read in memory of Heather Dillon 24 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

Lisa and Tim Sabatino Pat and Bob Simpson Elaine Timbers in memory of Timothy James Sabatino in memory of Teresa A. Simpson Kim and Joel Tiss Diane Tobin Jean and Don Safreed Lorraine and Craig Skrzypecki in memory of Pamela Roberson in memory of Rachel Anne Safreed in memory of Finley Mitchel Skrzypecki Elizabeth and Robert Tolley Russell Sage Debbie Sladek in memory of Alan Clark Tolley in memory of Michael Vincent Sage Donna and Don Smith Martha and Carl Tomanelli Barbara and Evan Salop in memory of Andrew J. Smith in memory of Kristin Underkoffler in memory of Dr. Bob Bauer Janet and Robert Smith Patricia and Lawrence Toole Robert Salter in memory of Kristi Smith Wainscott in memory of Daniel L. Toole Kate Sanders Judith Smith Bridie and Paul Tracy in memory of Brenton Sanders in memory of Tyler Leger in memory of Paul Tracy Jr. and Tom Tracy Lucinda and William Sanders Fran and Jeff Snyder Kelly and Rick Trieb in memory of Christopher Lee Sanders in memory of Sean J. Snyder in memory of Tyler Owen Trieb Nina Sanders Marchelle Snyder Connie and David Truelsch in memory of Susan Sanders in memory of Daniel Patrick Snyder in memory of Rebecca H. Truelsch Martha and Mike Santoro Dianne, Daniel, and Joshua Solomon Judy and Mike Truitt in memory of Paula Rosina Santoro in memory of Zachary Solomon in memory of Frank A. Thompson III Jeff Saper Joseph Sortino Jo Ann Turner in memory of Riley Saper in memory of Thomas F. Sortino in memory of E. Dean Turner IV Donna Sasenick Karen Sowinski Katharine Uhle in memory of Raymond John Uhle William Sawyerr Rose Marie and Gene Sprando in memory of Esteé N. Sawyerr in memory of Richard and Rebecca Sprando Marilyn and Kenneth Umble in memory of Jordan Matthew Umble Martin Scafidi Kristine Spykes in memory of Daniel M. Scafidi in memory of James Paul Spykes Karen Umstot in memory of Matthew Umstot Rosanna Scannell Cheryl and Michael Stader in memory of Benjamin Edinger in memory of Michael S. Strader II Untapped Tiffany Uszynski Lois Schneider Kristen and David Stafford in memory of Michael John Uszynski in memory of Shannon Marie in memory of Dale and Jesse Harrison Diana and John Vagianos Schneider Electric/Square D Foundation Adrian Stanford in memory of Nicole Vagianos in memory of Heidi & Wendy Klenotiz in memory of Kayla A. Stanford Deb Van Epps Elaine and Mark Schnurle Audrey Stanley in memory of Stephen Eisenhauer in memory of Tim Schnurle in memory of John Craven Margie and Ron Verostek Barbara Schrage Julia Starkey in memory of Ryan Verostek in memory of Olivia Mary Catherine Cerone in memory of Carson Starkey Manu Videki Susanna Schroadter Barbara Starr in memory of Kavita Jain in memory of Logan Christopher and in memory of David Charles Starr Archer Logan Schroadter Clara and Clifford Vogt Georgianna Starz in memory of Dave Snepp; and in honor of Karl, Sue, and Joan Schroeder in memory of Christopher Starz Karen Snepp in honor of Karl, Sue, and Karen Snepp Ellen and Tom Steele Rita and John Volz Vickie and Norm Schuring in memory of Dustin Volz in memory of Michael James Schuring Phyllis Stemmons in memory of Amy Bartelmey and Stephen Hough Kathleen and Jeff Wachtel Patty and David Schwartz in memory of Julia Ciervo in memory of Andrew J. Schwartz Zelda Stern in memory of Michael Yale Stern Nancy Wallace Briordy Jonathan Scilken in memory of Danny Wallace in memory of David Scilken Bob Stevens in memory of Laura Diane Stevens The Walner Family Deborah and Tim Scott in memory of Rocket Williams in memory of Justin Stewart Scott Connie and John Stitt in memory of Margaret Mutschler Carney Molly and Robert Walsh Joan and Stewart Senator in memory of Drew Walsh in memory of Stephen Eric Senator The Stockdale Family in honor of Charles and Glenda Merwine Jeanne and Robert Walz Karen and Wallace Serbus in memory of Kelly Jeanne Thompson in memory of Scott Jerome Serbus Kim Stokes in memory of Edward Kenneth Lee Kim Ward Lorrie Shafer in memory of Aaron Selchow in memory of Eric S. Schalow Peggy and Lewis Strader in memory of Christopher L. Strader Iris Warren Rose and Norman Sharp Kelly Warren in memory of Diana Rose Sharp Diane and Phil Strahm in memory of Kayla Stanford in memory of Carly Ann Strahm Tenpenny Madeline and Robert Sharples Marcie Warrington in memory of Paul Sharples Mark Struckhoff in memory of Johnny Warrington Anne and John Shattuck Bobbie Stubler The Wassweiler Family in memory of David E. Hobson in memory of Nicholas Stubler in memory of Rodney Thein Barb and Greg Sheehy Mr. and Mrs. Stutts Jr. Gail and Chip Watterson in memory of Todd Seth in memory of Russell R. Stutts III in memory of Isaac Gordon Hupana Watterson Diana and David Shelton Demet and Taclan Suerdem Cathy and Fred Wayand in memory of Mindy Lea Shelton in memory of Sevi Suerdem in memory of Timothy F. Wayand Beverly Shepard Laura Sulkowski Arlene and Richard Weaver in memory of Kevin Michael Shepard in memory of David Michael Sulkowski in memory of Roger W. Weaver Stephanie and Harold Shields Lawrence Sullivan and Carla Wood Jean and Tom Webb in memory of Evan and Garrett Shields in memory of Lauren Renée Sullivan Rod Webber in memory of Mike Webber Marti and Julien Shoemaker Norita Sullivan in memory of David H. Shoemaker in memory of Capt. John T. Spolsky Linda and Rudy Weissberg in memory of Rudy Weissberg Willadean and J. L. Short Ida Summlion in memory of Danielle Lee Short in memory of Carrington L. Summlion Varda and Arnie Wendroff in memory of Lauren Michelle Wendroff Ron Sibley Barbara and Buddy Suter in memory of Laurie Jean Sibley in memory of Jodi and Adam Suter Martina and Robert West in memory of Serena Craig Siegman Ann Marie and Bob Sweeney The Westenberg Family Carmela and Tom Slivinski Suzanne and Michael Sylvina in memory of Patrick J. May in memory of Francesca Slivinski in memory of Stacy Sylvina Connell Wendy and Russell Wheeler S. Nancy Simches Alisa Taylor in memory of Kyle Wayne McKibben in memory of Alex K. Taylor Sue and Philip Simonson (Continued on page 29) in memory of Kyle Davis Simonson Roe and Tiho Teisl in memory of Christopher Teisl WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 25 Ginny and Walt Simpson in memory of Greg Simpson

~By Richard Carlson “What am I doing here?” We don’t even life, I keep the bench warm, my laces know how many hits, errors, or runs tight, my glove next to me, and my After the beautiful candlelight we’ve had, or how long the game is pencil sharp. As a scorekeeper, I’ve going to be. tried to use the eraser to wipe out that ceremony last night, I found myself one really horrible inning, but the home tossing and turning until 2:00 in the In my case I started the first inning plate umpire keeps reminding me that morning. I decided to get up and not and got well into the game just being he is the one who controls the game. He fight it anymore. I was remembering fat, dumb, and happy. I had some hits, reminds me that he will decide when Brandon and all the pictures of the lost scored a few runs, and definitely made the game is over, who’s out, or if we loved ones we had honored. Then my some errors. Then four years ago, or play extra innings. In the meantime, overactive, stimulated mind thought somewhere in the middle inning of I’m ready to go in to pinch-hit, to be the of baseball. You might ask why, in the the game, it all changed. It was at that pro. I know that my other children have middle of winter, I was thinking of time that I was faced with nine pitches already said that they are not going to baseball and not hockey or football. and three strikeouts; the last due to a make the mistakes that Dad did. They It might be that I’m already looking curveball. The death of my son Brandon, have had the same bad inning in their forward to spring, but I think baseball changed the whole makeup of the game. game that I have had with Brandon’s was on my mind because I feel there can The rules changed, and I found myself death, but that is where the similarities be some similarities to how it mirrors going back into training. in our games end. My hope is that I will life. Let me explain. be able to be there for my grandchildren I woke up and found that the inning and give them the opportunity to say, When we start our lives, we go into was over and a new one was about to “I’m not going to make the same what is the equivalent of spring training. begin. I found that I had to relace my mistakes that Grandpa did.” We learn about the different positions life spikes even tighter, and that pounding my can offer. We learn how to hit, to throw, glove may have formed a new pocket, Baseball is a great game, while the and about the rules of the game. As a but it hurt my hand. I could have chosen game of life leaves a lot to be desired. baseball player learns from the old pros to get a new glove or new shoes, and for In baseball there are very few perfect on the team, we in life (if we are smart) some people that is the way to stay in games, very few no-hitters. The same learn from our parents, and grandparents. the game, But I found comfort in a glove thing is true for life. We know that our I realize that most of us come away from and shoes that were well worn. I found perfect game was spoiled by the death this process saying, “No way am I going that I may have been knocked out of that of a loved one. We have had one bad to make the same mistakes that they did,” inning, but the game was still going on inning, but the game still goes on to give but I think this is part of the exuberance and I had to learn the new rules, I had to us many more opportunities to score in of youth, and once spring training is over try to get more hits and score more runs. future innings.v and we get into the game, these thoughts The errors are another issue. begin to change. Richard Carlson and his wife, Sharon, have Although the game is still going on, The length of spring training is I do not know what the score is or what six childeren; Kristi, Michelle, Shanda, different for all of us. For most it ends inning I’m in. Like when I was hit by when we graduate from high school, go a foul ball in high school, I now know Allicia, David, and Brandon, who died on off to college, or get married. Eventually that I’m better at keeping the scorebook we join the big game, and we find that than backing away from a sweeping Thanksgiving Day a little over four years the learning continues. We learn about curve. So now in the later innings of our teammates, opposing players, and ago. Richard is retired, and together with where the game is going to be played. Most of the time we find that the position Sharon, founded the St. Paul Chapter of we trained for is not the one we end up playing. In fact, we find out that as we Compassionate Friends. go through the game of life, we may play many different positions. Sometimes Winter/Spring 2009–2010 We Need Not Walk Alone we find ourselves sitting on the bench because of injuries and wondering, u Creative Expression: A Tool for Healing Through Grief Now Accepting Advertising u Unspeakable Loss: Helping Parents Cope with a Child Suicide u The Money-Burge Act: In Memory of David Christopher Money We Need Not Walk Alone is now u For Brothers and Sisters: Feed Me u For Grandparents: accepting paid advertising for grief-related information and products. Healing Your Child as They Grieve the Loss of Their Child u Book Review: What Does That Mean Ads are available in 1/4-page, 1/2-page, u The Letter and full-page sizes, and are accepted in u Talking to Children About Death high-resolution PDF format only. For u Worldwide Candle Lighting® additional information, including pricing, u Lariat of Love please call 877-969-0010, ext. 308, or write u TCF 33rd National Conference in Arlington, Virginia [email protected]. v u Focus on Your Journey 26 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

BOOK REVIEW • BOOK REVIEW • BOOK REVIEW ~By Harriet Hodgson chapters are a chronology of a grief journey, and the titles include: ~Review by Dr. Heidi Horsley • Life’s New Roles Harriet Hodgson, the author of 30 books, is no stranger to • The Impact of One Loss and Many • Weaving Your Safety Net overcoming adversity and finding happiness after loss. In her • Unforeseen Challenges latest inspirational and moving book for all those who mourn, • Tapping Your Inner Strength she asks, “Will I survive? Will I ever be happy again?” • Self-Care Steps • Affirming Yourself After she was left to raise her twin grandchildren, while • The Happiness Choice grieving for four family members, including her daughter, • A New Normal, a New Life Harriet vowed not to let her deceased daughter down. Her Readers may turn to the resource section for more pledge then and now: Helen, I will not fail you. Although information, and there are blank pages for you to jot Harriet has faced many challenges in her life, she describes down your personal happiness plan. From start to multiple losses as the worst. Despite great adversity and loss, finish, this book is all about help. In the preface Harriet she reminds us that we are not alone in our grief, and, though tells how to make the most of Happy Again! and writes: losses may define our lives, they will not destroy them. Think of this book as a happiness guide and the recovery tips as signposts. Like all signposts, you may This book is a must-have for anyone who has lost a follow them, ignore them, or return to them later. The family member. Written in a conversational style, the choices you make depend on your needs, which change from day to day and, in the throes of early grief, from hour to hour. The suggestions in this book will help you plan the new life that awaits you. This book tugged at my heartstrings. Harriet’s account of a journey from despair to hope is filled with practical suggestions on how to once again have a meaningful life. Her twin grandchildren were 15 years old when they moved in with her, and as the months passed, Harriet realized life had given her a choice. She could choose to be happy or choose to exist. Harriet is someone that has not only survived multiple losses, she has gone on to thrive. This book tells how she chose happiness, and gives you tools, tips, and sage advice for doing the same. As the executive director for the Open to Hope Foundation, I highly recommend this book! Not only will I recommend it to bereaved families, I will recommend it to professionals and graduate students working in the field of grief and loss. Happy Again! Your New and Meaningful Life After Loss inspired me, and I think it will inspire you. v Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD., is a bereaved sibling, as well as a psychologist. She is the executive director of the Open to Hope Foundation, cohost of the Open to Hope radio program, and an adjunct professor at Columbia University. This book is published by the Centering Corporation, and can be ordered through their website at www.centering.org, or by calling 866-218-0101. Free shipping is offered to TCF chapters and members. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 27

~By Sam Turner “It’s difficult to imagine my daughter at age 32, but I know what she looked like when she was eight!” Our meetings average 35 attendees. We break into three The subject was a springboard for sharing memories of smaller groups and tighten the circles so we are knee-to-knee. enjoyable experiences. We were relaxed as we spoke of We can now hear the soft voices of grievers, and we share a remembered events. We drifted rudderless, from one thought sense of closeness that is so important in the circle process. A to another, until someone mentioned gravesite visitations. newly bereaved may feel more comfortable and is more likely to share with a smaller group. The larger the group, the easier A member told of trying to grow grass on his son’s grave it is for the newly bereaved to disappear into silent tears and but it always died. It turned out that some of his son’s friends not share. One facilitator in each group guides the discussion regularly visited the site drinking beer . . . and acts as a “gatekeeper” to ensure that each member has a chance to speak. Another member spoke of feeling comfortable celebrating Mother’s Day by having a beer while sitting next to his At a recent meeting, I found myself in a group of six mother’s crypt. “seasoned” grievers, three of whom were facilitators; a rare happening. We talked about pennies, dimes, and butterflies . . . We talked about “visits” by our children’s spirits. So . . . what do “seasoned” grievers talk about when in a small circle? What could possibly be said that the six of us There was laughter. have never discussed before? Our facilitator began by telling There were tears. about her daughter’s art book that her teacher recently found. We spoke of loneliness and moments of closeness. Of most That led to discussing the book Elsewhere, by Gabrielle importance was the feeling of togetherness that this small Zevin, a young adult book with an unusual theme. group shared. We agreed that small-group experiences like this are the very heart of The Compassionate Friends! At hour’s end, we all spoke our children’s names in unison: kennydrewsabrinaariellemercerrobert! v Sam and his wife, Phyllis, are coeditors/facilitators of Walking this Valley, the monthly newsletter for the Tucson Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. Their son Robert died of a sleep disorder July 2, 1997, at age 23. They have three surviving children. Subscription and Patron Form WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE The Compassionate Friends, Inc. 900 Jorie Blvd., Suite 78 / P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 [Quantity subscriptions are available. Contact the National Office toll-free at 877-969-0010.] ____ Yes, I would like a subscription to ____ Yes, I would like to make Patron Plan* We Need Not Walk Alone, the national a Patron donation and receive a magazine of The Compassionate Friends, subscription to We Need Not Walk ( ) Simon Stephens Founder’s Circle published triannually. Alone. As a Patron, I understand $10,000 or more that I will be assisting TCF in the ( ) President’s Circle 5,000 to 9,999 ( ) $20 U.S.A. promotion of the positive resolu- ( ) Circle of Love 2,500 to 4,999 ( ) $23 Canada (U.S. Dollars) tion of grief and the fostering of ( ) Circle of Hope 1,000 to 2,499 ( ) $30 Foreign Countries emotional and physical health of ( ) Circle of Caring 500 to 999 bereaved families throughout the United States following the death ( ) Circle of Support 200 to 499 of a child. ( ) Circle of Friends 50 to 199 *Annual subscription to magazine included $____________________ Total enclosed Send subscription to: Make check payable to: Name ______________________________________________________________ The Compassionate Friends, Inc. Address ____________________________________________________________ or include your credit card information: City___________________________________ State ______ Zip ______________ o Visa o MasterCard Exp. Date _________ Patron Donation is o in Memory of o in Honor of ___________________ Account No. _____________________________ CVC Code _______________________________ (3-digit code listed on the back of your credit card) Thank you for your support. Signature_________________________________ 28 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE

Grief, Healing, and Time is or how to get there. Everything is so hard and makes me so tired. I just want to stay in bed. ~By Deb Kosmer© Days pass and turn into weeks. I am stuck in a world Today someone I loved died. I can’t believe it. I don’t foreign to me, wondering where it is that you are and how you could have left me. believe it. I won’t believe it. Family comes. Friends come. The phone keeps ringing. The doorbell rings again and again. I force myself to go through the motions of living and The ringing seems far away. I hear it but I seem unable to caring for others. They don’t seem to notice it’s just pretend answer. My legs won’t move. My feet won’t move. I am and I am starring in the hardest role of my life. If only they glued to the chair. Others answer for me. They seem to know had just an inkling of the place that I am in, of my fractured I don’t remember how. and broken heart. Tomorrow comes. I didn’t want it to ever come. I wanted I never used to read the obituaries. Now I feel compelled to go back to the time before you died. There, I said it. You to do so. I feel like a kindred spirit to others who must also died. Does that make it true? There must be some mistake, travel the road I am on. I still feel so alone. Now they will I tell myself. Maybe this is just a bad dream I need to wake feel alone, too. I feel like I should say something to them, but up from. If only someone would wake me up. When people I do not know them; I only know their pain. ask me what they can do for me, I try to tell them the only thing I want is you. They look sad, they gently shake their Months continue to pass. I am back at work, back in head, they hug me, and still you’re not here. church, getting my hair done. It all still seems strange, different, and doesn’t matter like it used to. Friends call. Your funeral is over. Everyone says I did so well. I hardly Sometimes I say, “Yes, I will go to dinner.” Other times I cried. Don’t they see I can’t cry, not yet. I am in shock. say, “Thanks for calling, but not today.” Many days it is still I hear someone else say, “Give her time, that’s all she needs.” easier to just be alone where I don’t have to hide my tears I wonder: Can it really be that simple? If it is, I just want to when they come, where I can talk to you and not feel strange, run through time, however much it takes to get to the place where I can just be however I am that day and not try to fit where I don’t hurt so bad, don’t miss you so much. But no, into the place others have carved out for me. I can’t do that. Even if I could, I would only be farther from you. My heart cannot bear that. Finally, one day I surprise myself. I am humming a tune. For a little while, I feel lighter. I almost smile. I begin to judge Days pass. Tomorrow will be one month since you died. myself. What’s the matter with me? How can I be even a little I wonder how I can just skip that day. I am afraid of it; of happy when you’re not here? But then I hear your voice in my reliving every single detail of your death, knowing that one head—or is it my heart, the place where you live—saying you month ago you were here with me and my world was okay. are glad that I am humming, glad I can smile, encouraging Now I have no world. Everyone keeps telling me I just need me to live again. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I do to make a new world. But I liked my old one. I never asked to both. But later that day I find myself humming again, and I have it taken from me. Even if I wanted to, I don’t know how smile and I know that I am going to be okay. v to start over. I don’t know where the beginning of that world Deb Kosmer has worked in hospice for the past eleven years as a bereavement coordinator and social worker. She is the bereaved mother of a son and a stepdaughter, and is a bereaved sibling. TCF CHAPTER SUPPORT Gina Whitsel Jennifer Worthington in memory of Matthew David Campagna in memory of Cyndy Geissler Circle of Friends ($50–$199) Madison County Chapter (Edwardsville, IL) Willie and Darrell Wickman Beverly and Jim Wright in memory of Jim Monday, Margie Friedline, and in memory of Geoffrey Deemer Wickman in memory of Rhonda L. Andrews Frank Leonard Wolf Point Chapter (Wolf Point, MT) Becky and Dan Wieder Jane Wrigley Circle of Caring ($500–$999) in memory of Lisa Wieder in memory of Joshua Marvin Billings Chapter (Billings, MT) Circle of Love ($2,500–$4,999) Jill and Gregg Williams Kay and Gary Yanka Nashville Chapter (Nashville, TN) in memory of Morgan Leigh Williams in memory of Eric L. Yanka (Patrons, continued from page 25) Mia and Taylor Williams Ann and Ford Young Camille and Hugh White in memory of Rocket Williams in memory of Kendall Young in memory of Hugh A. White Jr. Donna White Pamela Williams Susan and Amnon Zaks in memory of Diane White in memory of Meredith Williams in memory of Joseph Harry Zaks and Matan Zaks Nancy and Ron White in memory of Keith C. White Sally Wilmeth and Terry Geurkink Karen and Ronald Zaylik Mona and Bob Whitley in memory of Jenni and Kyle Geurkink in memory of Brian Ludlow in memory of Peter Whitley Sue Wilson Mr. and Mrs. Zelmanowitz in memory of Allie Tease in memory of Adam Zelmanowitz Loretta and Jerry Winters Suzanne Ziegler in memory of Don Bruce Winters in memory of Kristi Leigh Ziegler Nancy and Daniel Wisley Barbara Zinman in memory of Allison Weingarten Karen Wolf in memory of Brad Wolf Mary Joyce Zonfrillo in memory of Michael A. Zonfrillo III Kim and Randy Wolken in memory of Adam Wolken Sandy Zoulek Sue Worrell v in memory of Charlie Williams WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 29

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Advertisement WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE Editor Catherine Patillo Copy Editor Deborah Wiseman To have material considered for publication, send to: [email protected] or [email protected] or Catherine Patillo, WNNWA P.O. Box 526194 Salt Lake City, UT 84152-6194 THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS Executive Director Patricia A. Loder TCF National Office 900 Jorie Blvd., Suite 78 P.O. Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 Phone: (630) 990-0010 Toll-Free: (877) 969-0010 Fax: (630) 990-0246 E-mail: [email protected] Website: www.compassionatefriends.org One complimentary copy of We Need Not Walk Alone is sent to bereaved families who contact the National Office. To receive future issues, please use the subscription form in this issue or visit The Compassionate Friends on the Internet at www.compassionatefriends.org. Contact the National Office for information on quantity subscription prices. Copyright © 2012 The Compassionate Friends, Inc. All Rights Reserved. We encourage the reprinting of individual articles, unless specified “one time only,” but ask that proper credit be given to We Need Not Walk Alone. This magazine is not to be reproduced for distribution in its entirety without written permission from the National Office. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE • 31

THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS, INC. Nonprofit P. O. Box 3696 U.S. Postage Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 PAID Return Service Requested Oak Brook, IL PosPt.mO.aBsotex r3:6D96ated Material, Please Deliver Promptly Permit No. 251 Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 Return Service Requested Postmaster: Dated Material, Please Deliver Promptly Costa Mesa, California Home of The Compassionate Friends 35th National Conference/5th International Gathering July 20-22, 2012 When you’re grieving the death of a child within your family, nothing seems real, nothing seems normal. So often friends and relatives don’t know how to give you the support you need. They mean well, but don’t know how to react to your loss. When you attend a Compassionate Friends National Conference, you know that everyone is the same—you’re all grieving for a child, a sibling, or a grandchild. Some will be further along in their journey while others will just be starting. A TCF National Conference gives you the opportunity to open up about your loss and to learn from others. Here’s some of what you can expect at the upcoming Compassionate Friends National Conference: • Four outstanding keynote speakers: Lois Duncan award winning author of 48 books including “Who Killed My Daughter”; Kathy Eldon, journalist, producer, activist, author whose son, a Reuters photographer, died at the hands of an angry mob in Somalia; Darcie Sims brings her wit and wisdom as an international speaker, bereaved parent and certified grief management specialist; and Reverend Canon Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends worldwide and bereaved sibling who recognized that the bereaved can often support each other in a way no other can. • More than 100 workshops covering most areas of grief after the death of a child • Complete sibling program • Friday evening special entertainment • Remembrance Candle Lighting • Sharing sessions, hospitality rooms, meditation room, butterfly boutique, bookstore • Thirteenth annual Compassionate Friends Walk to Remember • Much, much more! One of many positive comments received after last year’s national conference: I attended my first conference and it was one of the best things I have ever done. The friends I made were incredible and the feeling throughout the whole weekend was so healing. I never thought I would have to belong to such a club, but am grateful it is there to help. Thank you TCF! For all the latest information including registration information and online reservations for the host hotel, the beautiful Hilton Orange County/Costa Mesa hotel, visit www.compassionatefriends.org and click on “TCF 2012 National/ International Conference” under “News and Events,” or call 877-969-0010.