WNNWA Autumn | Winter 2019

We Need Not Walk Alone For bereaved families and the people who care about them, following the death of a child. Autumn | Winter 2019

When the time comes for lighting festive candles, let them remind you not only of what you lost but also of what you had. ~ Sascha Wagner The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting Join us on December 8, 2019 “..that their light may always shine.”

INSIDE this issue Autumn | Winter 2019 FEATURES 6 Cheerios by Patrick O’Donnell 8 Grief ’s Strange Thoughts by Bob Baugher, PhD 9 Thanksgiving by Meg Avery 10 The TCF Journey of Karl and Sue Snepp by Cathy Seehuetter 14 I Loathed the First Christmas After My Brother Died by Lynn Shattuck 16 “Take One for Raymond” by Elaine Plotkin 18 It’s the Shame by Bart Sumner 20 Grief Revisited by Carolyn Perrin 22 My Life as an Outsider by Melissa Dlugolecki 28 Becoming Melancholy by Patricia Mealer 40 The Impact of Touch - Remembering a Dreamer by Pamela Hagens 43 Seven Grief Strategies for the New Year by Brad Stetson DEPARTMENTS 24 The Wisdom of Darcie Sims: Low Fat, Lite Holidays 32 TCF Patron Donations 42 TCF Board of Directors and Staff The views presented within this magazine represent those of the authors and do not necessarily represent those of The Compassionate Friends. Cover photo: © Irina Bort/stock.adobe.com, Inside cover photo: © Bernd S./stock.adobe.com We Need Not Walk Alone|3

Cheerios by Patrick O’Donnell © nancy10/stock.adobe.com Sometimes opportunity sleeps in catastrophic calamities. circumstance. We are healing as the woeful, debilitating Sometimes there is hope for the heart in a little bowl of waves of pain eventually may have more distance between Cheerios. Whether or not we actually see this opportunity, them, allowing a breath or securing a deep sigh now and or use it in some sort of positive fashion, is a choice. What then. motivates mending lives ravaged by the death of a child that died too soon? Swim through the grief or sink into oblivion Moms and Dads try to get ready for that first year of life seems like the only choices of necessity as the mother without their precious child in familiar ways that they of invention proclaims that no other options exist. Or it utilized in the past for other notable normal events. might be a little box of Cheerios that had never contained Sometimes the best-laid plans just don’t work. You are not anything but a simple, round breakfast cereal. going crazy as you arrange then rearrange, organize then reorganize the days of significance that occur throughout Moments of time have drifted by the stationary heart as the the year. To be lost in a familiar world is the rule, not relentless river of tears has decreased or maybe even ceased the exception, for the agonizing bereaved parent. Some altogether. The persistent push of that heavy weight of an of the efforts work while many of them do not. The day imaginary knee on the chest that prevented a full breath still that parenthood was first announced, the actual birth, happens but not as often. The anniversary dates are obvious, or the date that life changed forever demand recognition but experience has taught that anticipation is sometimes and at times cannot be willed away, though the attempt worse than the actual day commemorating the event. The to do so may be applauded. Experience helps parents calendar moves from one day to another, returning again adjust expectations for the special days. As the Mom or in a seamless, sad circle that often softens as we struggle to Dad moves further away from their saddest reality, they survive. The details that framed the death of a child may may then feel the tiny hopeful signs of a kind of profound eventually surrender to a curious fuzzy blur of time and healing or just getting a little better drifting over them, 4 |We Need Not Walk Alone

embracing a little peace. We don’t get over it as we never get “Don’t choke on your food” and the classic perfunctory over “it”, but rather we go through it. We survive. “don’t play with your cereal” uttered not as an order so Then the unexpected occurs and the sighting of a little box much as responsible parental adult-speak attached to an of Cheerios, as innocent as your child, brings you to your obvious grin comes to mind as my only comment. We did knees with oh, so fond memories of happy times that are chuckle as my little guy urged me to try it. Surrendering startling, visible and real, and gone. Cheerio moments that to his request, I tried, inspiring his comment, “the Cheerio jump off a grocery shelf shouting memories of yesterday has a mustache hat” he could barely get that comment out and stomps your heart with arrogant immunity reminding between laughs. Giggles all around. the sad soul there are no Whoever thought how priceless Little kid fun just being tomorrows the way we what he was supposed to want, the way it used to be. that moment could be? be, innocent, perfection. First came your smile as the That memory will never remembrance was fond and Whoever thought it would ever end? eliminate the fact that he takes you to pretty thoughts, is not here, but today, at then in the same motion Whoever thought…. this moment, it softens cruelly crushes the spirit the other not-so-good with the inescapable thought of finality. My child is gone memories. To focus on the good little boy playing with his from here forever. Cheerios is the memory of choice, and today it surpassed The Cheerios have such power to bring back a beautiful, and suppressed all the others. Thank you, my little one, and now special fun memory eternally captured in a parents’ please save some Cheerios for me. mind and soul. How he loved this simple circular cereal. In 2000, Pat O’Donnell and his wife, Janet, were devastated by the tragic He formed the round bit of food in his mouth then giggled death of their 18-year-old son, Brian, in an automobile accident. They as he discovered he could breathe with his mouth shut if credit their local chapter of The Compassionate Friends for helping them he held that little Cheerio between his tiny angelic lips. rediscover hope in their lives. Pat eventually served as a chapter leader and Everyday there was something new, but the Cheerio scene served as a member of the national TCF Board of Directors. Janet and Pat served as co-chairpersons for the 2006 TCF National Conference in replayed itself as the “Hey, Dad look at this” seemed cuter Dearborn, Michigan. They have one other son, Andy. Since Pat’s brother than the day before. A child and a parent were sharing fun. Billy passed away in 1972, he has suffered the loss of his brothers, Jim and Whoever thought how priceless that moment could be? Tom. Pat can be contacted at [email protected]. Whoever thought it would ever end? Whoever thought…. How I Found Hope ... The simple act of breathing is how I find hope. In those early days of grief I wasn’t sure I could © Creaturart/stock.adobe.com or even wanted to breath. Learning to live breath-to-breath has taught me that hope is possible. Breathing was once labored, and painful, then it began to calm ... today breathing reminds me that continuing to live is the greatest gift I can give to honor her memory. Alan Pedersen, Ashley’s Daddy We Need Not Walk Alone|5

© rdonar/stock.adobe.com Grief’s Strange Thoughts by Bob Baugher, PhD Before we plunge in and see what grief-related strange today, we’d all be in jail looking at one another saying thoughts are all about, we need to establish a fact about things like, “They got me for thinking I’d like to kiss my your brain: the human mind has the capacity to think of neighbor’s dog. What’d they get you for?” Fortunately we all types of bizarre, strange, weird, odd, unusual, peculiar live in a world where we can daydream, imagine, fantasize, thoughts. You’re not surprised? Admit it, here you are in and conjure up anything and everything without spending the middle of a conversation with someone and your mind one day in jail. As you read this (and fantasize about two or begins to wander to your never-never land of odd notions. three other things at the same time), you might be saying, Suddenly, out of nowhere your brain goes, “What if I found “Yes, I get it. I get it. But where is the grief part?” out that she was my half-sister?” or “Does she realize that her teeth are yellow?” or “I wonder what she would look like Okay, here it is. Since your child, grandchild or sibling died, without a nose.” Has this ever happened to you? Of course your brain has had thousands and millions of thoughts it has. And, in your brief fantasy moment you may have about this person and about your reaction to their death. wondered, “Where did THAT come from?” Well, it’s your However, some of your thoughts can be logged into the creative, active brain just having a little fun, mainly because “strange” category. So strange that you have been reluctant we can think faster than a person can talk; and your brain to share this with anyone, or perhaps even admit it to has time to insert whatever it fancies at the moment without yourself. In a moment we’re going to cover some categories missing a beat of conversation. So, let’s be clear: just because of strange thoughts. However, if you find that any one of your brain comes up with a strange thought does not— your thoughts is not included, fear not. Why? Because, as repeat—does not—mean that you desire this thought to be I stated earlier, the most important thing to remember is: true. It is simply a thought that your brain came up with They are just thoughts—just your brain going on another at that instant—no more, no less. In the book 1984 people of its many frequent flights of fantasy. Grief reactions could be arrested by the Thought Police for just thinking following the death of a loved one are disturbing enough. government-defined negative thoughts. If that were true Add to it strange and bizarre thoughts and you indeed feel like you’re going crazy. And, in a way you are. In the 6 |We Need Not Walk Alone

language of bereaved people, it is called “normal crazy.” after that?” and, so on to its likely conclusion. For most Now, let’s look at a few of these grief-related flashes of people, this type of thinking helps them come to realize that thought: they should not take the first step. 1. I deserve this—This is a common one. After the 5. I’m doing unusual things that no one knows about—if death you may have found yourself searching the past you’ve done or thought about any of the following, you are only to “discover” a whole host of your wrongdoings, not alone: gone to the gravesite at night, lay on the grave, transgressions, mistakes, errors, blunders, and missteps done something with the cremated remains that you’ve that somehow must be a reason for all the pain you are never told anyone about, slept with the clothing or item of now experiencing. We’re talking here, of course, about the your loved one, spent money you know you did not have in big G—Guilt. Because you were an imperfect human being order to feel better, performed a secret ritual related to your did you deserve this terrible death of your loved one? No. loved one, felt anger toward your loved one for dying, felt Neither you nor anyone else who loved or cared about the relief about the death, or had any other strange or unusual person who died deserves all the pain you are presently thought or behavior. In this case, the important question experiencing. to ask yourself is, “Are any of these behaviors or thoughts interfering with my activities of daily living?” If so, then 2. I want to be with my loved one. I’m going to let myself the first step is to share this with a person who can listen die or make myself die—If you’ve not had this thought without judgment. following the death, consider yourself unusual. A natural response to experiencing the worst pain of your life is to 6. People don’t care—After your loved one died, people consider all of the ways to end the pain—one of which is came. They shared stories with you, they helped you, they ending one’s life. If these thoughts have become strong and took care of you, they touched you—they cared. Then, as you begin to seriously consider taking your life, tell a friend, time passed you began to see less of these people as you call a crisis line, make a counseling appointment. Your loved saw them move on with their lives while you were left with one would have not wanted you to take your life. yours. There may have been times when you asked for help and it never arrived. As a result, you convinced yourself that 3. No one understands me—Right now in your life you people really didn’t care. In most cases many people would may feel all alone. Those around you may share comforting help if only they knew what to do. Despite your fatigue, words. They may check on you, text you, call you, but in the I’m asking you to take the risk to invest energy into asking end it comes down to you grieving the death of your child, people for specific types of help. Need a good listener? Ask grandchild or sibling. However, there are people out there a friend to go to YouTube. My “How to Be a Good Listener” who have been through some of what you are experiencing video is there along with hundreds of others. Need help right now. Find them. They are out there. There’s The with a specific task? Who is the best (and second best) at Compassionate Friends with more than 600 Chapters having the talent to help you with the task? Text this person, throughout North America—all run by people with losses call them. If you ask for help, take the risk to say, “Here is similar to your own: www.compassionatefriends.org. There’s exactly what I need. Can you help?” If you get turned down, the Open to Hope website with hundreds and hundreds of find someone else. Put aside your pride. Stop trying to do it articles and videos—all free: www.opentohope.org. You’re all alone. At some point in the future it will be you who can tired, you’re feeling isolated. Take a few minutes and explore help someone in their grief. Right now, it’s your turn. these support groups. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “If it weren’t for this group, I don’t know how I would 7. I will feel this way for the rest of my life—“Yes,” you say, have made it.” Do it. “This is a thought that I know to be absolutely true.” Well, I’m going to be blunt: You’re wrong. While this “rest-of- 4. I want to pay someone back for this—Do you have my-life” thought may not at all seem strange to you, it is the feelings of revenge? Is it someone you feel contributed to most frequent and mistaken thought in all of bereavement. or directly caused the death? Have you imagined doing Why? Because, even though it doesn’t feel like it at this time something to this person to make them pay for what they in your life, the following statement is true: At some point did or failed to do? One helpful way to cope with these in your life, you will not feel this bad. feelings is to say to yourself, “What if I did pay this person back? What would happen next? And, what would happen (continued on page 8) We Need Not Walk Alone|7

(continued from page 7) Your brain is miraculous—which makes humans amazing— I am not saying that you will ever “get over” your grief, or and that includes both you and the wonderful person who is no longer alive. Go ahead and let your brain come up with that you will ever “get back” your old life, or that you will gradually forget your loved one. What I am saying is, over bizarre thoughts. And, when it happens, just talk back to it by saying something like this: the past 30 years of meeting thousands upon thousands of people in deep grief, I Yes, these are strange found that virtually all of thoughts. But, they are not who I am. It’s just my brain Yes, these are strange thoughts.them got to a point in their going on a fantasy trip. So, I can go ahead and think life where they said, “Back anything I want and refuse to be affected by it. I’ve But, they are not who I am. It’s justthen I thought for sure that got enough to deal with. And, even though there are times I’m not sure I can go on, I my grief would always feel realize that I not only have a lot more grieving to do, I also have a lot more living to do. my brain going on a fantasy trip.the same. But, with time and support from others, I realize that I am not so sad, not so angry, not so guilty, not so confused. I am now at a time in my life where I can laugh again and yet never forget this precious person.” And, that’s not so bizarre. Yes, despite the craziness of grief and despite the strange, Dr. Bob Baugher is a Psychology Instructor at Highline College in Des odd, peculiar thoughts your brain has come up with, Moines, Washington where he teaches courses in Psychology and Death the most important thought you need to tell your brain Education. As a trainer for LivingWorks he has trained more than 1,000 is: “Someday, I will feel better, even though at this very people in suicide intervention. Dr. Baugher has written several books and moment, my brain finds it hard to believe.” And, then, as articles on grief and loss. He has been invited to give workshops at TCF you move through the weeks, months and years of your National Conferences for the past 20 years and has been the professional grief, remind yourself that this most important of all adviser to parents and siblings of the South King County (Seattle) Chapter of thoughts has a name: it’s called hope. The Compassionate Friends for 30 years. How I Found Hope ... © TAKUYA ARAKI /stock.adobe.com I hit bottom when my 30-year marriage ended one year after my 21-year-old son died in a motorcycle accident, and several years after losing two babies to stillbirth and miscarriage. I found hope when I started a Compassionate Friends chapter, sensing that helping others would help me to heal. Our first meeting was the week of my older son’s first angel-versary. Hearing others’ stories and sharing my story was not only healing, it led to other ways to find and share hope. Working with bereaved families inspired me to write or collaborate on several books, and to start a second nonprofit for resilience after loss. This offers resources for grief, and encourages open expression of grief, loss and love… which help us to heal and find hope. Barbara J. Hopkinson, Mom to Brent, Robbie and a baby Founder of a TCF chapter in MA, A Butterfly’s Journey, Faces of Resilience 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone

© Jenifoto/stock.adobe.com Thanksgiving by Meg Avery, James’ Mom The time draws near And the calendar says Thanksgiving is really here. Time to reflect and time to gather Thoughts of what to be thankful of. Thankful? I think not. My life is not full these days And to be thankful is beyond my grasp. But to give thanks? This, I believe, can be done. Searching my soul deep within Reasons to give thanks surface to the edge Yes, I give thanks For the memories of yesterdays, The love, the laughter, the joy of each day when James was with us The trials & tribulations of being an active parent, The rewards & the challenges of raising a child, The days of blissful ignorance when I thought tragedy would never visit our home, The days when life was normal, even though I took it all for granted. For the treasures of today, The sunrise, sunset, the changing of the seasons, The new-found friends along this journey I reluctantly travel The tried & true friends who stand by me still, The strong and everlasting love of my husband The warmth of wet kisses from my canine companion & feline friend, The encouragement & support, compassion & caring I give & receive as I survive and help others survive. For the hopes and possibilities of a peaceful tomorrow, With faith, love, & perseverance as I struggle to move on With James in my heart forevermore, spiritually guiding me with his new presence, With sorrow and reluctance, each new day, To yet, somehow, be open and loving, Not to forsake what I’ve learned Because of what I’ve lost. You see, it’s not about keeping up with the Jones’ having an SUV or two in the garage or the newest, most improved, latest and greatest new gadgets, not even being up to date with state-of-the-art technology - It’s about love - it’s about the gifts of yesterday, blended with the blessings of today to make meaning for tomorrow. We Need Not Walk Alone|9

© Karen Snepp The TCF Journey of Karl and Sue Snepp the quiet difference that two people can make by Cathy Seehuetter Approximately 17 years ago, I clearly remember when I Karl was also part of the CLTP, and in Des Moines gave a met Sue and Karl Snepp for the first time. I had seen them, module for the business part of running a chapter called “The always together, from a distance at previous TCF national Fun Words: Finance, Fundraising and Fiduciary.” As a prop, conferences but never had we spoken. It was in 2002 at a he wore the green eyeshade visor that accountants would Chapter Leadership Training Program (CLTP) being held in wear in the late 19th to the mid-20th century when involved Des Moines, Iowa, a drive of three and a half hours from my in vision-intensive occupations to lessen their eyestrain. He home in the Twin Cities area. It was the first I had attended had such a dry sense of humor, quick wit, and an irresistible as a relatively new, overly enthusiastic-to-learn-more twinkle in his eye. John Santoro, current president of the chapter leader for the St. Paul, MN, chapter of TCF. Sue TCF Foundation and a former TCF Board president recalled was at the sign-in table as a greeter, a perfect fit for this lady the “awkward moment” when, as a Board candidate, he had with an infectious laugh, sparkling smile and personality to wait in the hallway to hear if he was appointed or not. to match. She rose from her chair and introduced herself John recalled that when the approval came, he was ushered to me. I’d written some articles that she read in chapter into the boardroom and “there was a sea of faces, with Karl’s newsletters and had liked. To my surprise, she told me shining bright among them. The guy was hard to miss—tall she had been looking forward to meeting me in person. and distinguished-looking, warm and embracing.” Sue and She gave me a butterfly keychain and said she brought it Karl were both so engaging that one couldn’t help but like especially for me, remembering one of the articles I wrote them immediately and want to be in their presence. I sat regarding a special butterfly encounter I’d had. I was awe- in the row directly in front of them during the entire CLTP struck at her kind gesture to a stranger! weekend. They became my mentors and cherished friends whom I looked up to from that weekend forward. 1 0 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Karl and Sue joined the Valley Forge, PA, chapter following Karl and Sue were also part of the small group who the tragic death of their beloved 32-year-old son, Dave in launched the Worldwide Candle Lighting on behalf of TCF 1988 from medullary thyroid cancer. They became more in 1997. To help chapters promote the event, they produced involved with TCF and in 1990 served on the committee and mailed buttons to every chapter. During a time of for the TCF national conference in Philadelphia where they transition at the national level from late 1995 to early handled the workshop signs. They attended the first World 1997, they quietly traveled from Tucson to Oak Brook, IL, Gathering on Bereavement in Seattle in 1991 (as well as the donating a week a month to help out at the national office. TCF International Gatherings in England, Philadelphia, To say that they went above and beyond when it came to Sydney and Vancouver in following years). In 1992, they their dedication to TCF would be a huge understatement! moved to Tucson where they helped revitalize the Tucson TCF Chapter. Sam Turner, friend and fellow member of that Their leadership skills and sought-after expertise on chapter with wife Phyllis, remembers that “the first time we all things TCF, and their invaluable time and resources met Karl and Sue was August of 1997. Our son, Rob, had were generously shared without hesitation. The Snepps’ died on July 2nd of that year. It was our first TCF meeting eventually became Southwest Regional Coordinators and there was instant connection between Phyllis and Sue and served on the planning committee of two Southwest and Karl and me. We became chapter leaders. He suggested; Regional Conferences. They helped develop and establish we followed. Karl and Sue were always there to advise us.” the TCF Foundation in 2000-2003. Following the unexpected death of Foundation founding president Rich When at the CLTP in Des Moines, I remember wondering Edler, Sue became president of the trustees. She went on why this lovely couple, the Snepps, were there helping to serve as chair for the foundation’s second endowment and so far away from their home in Tucson, Arizona. I campaign in 2007. Karl served on the TCF Diversity eventually learned that Sue and Karl were the reason that Committee in the early 2000s, the Awareness Committee the CLTP even existed in the first place! They knew that the in 2000, TCF Senior Outreach Initiative from 2001-2002, chapters were the heart and soul of the organization, and and Compassionate Employer Recognition team from the critical importance of trained chapter leadership. After 2004-2007. Karl also served a three-year term on the TCF TCF board-member daughter Karen saw a call for grant Board of Directors from 2004-2007. John Santoro stated, “I proposals for projects related to death and dying, Karl wrote learned a lot from Karl, because he knew instinctively that and presented a grant proposal in 1996 to the “Project on knowledge was only valuable when it is shared, and he was Death in America” and successfully received the $100,000 always generous in that sharing. He was also a person who grant that funded the development and implementation ‘sweated the details’ in all he did, and especially in his work of the Chapter Leadership Training Program. Sue and with TCF. In reading his obituary, I am not surprised to Karl served on the core committee for the CLTP, secured learn of his wide interests, from billiards to sheep-herding locations and participated in 18 sessions with an average of dogs. He prized those activities that demanded both 40 attendees each session. With the core committee, they precision and passion.” worked on putting together and distributing the Chapter Leader’s Resource Guide. The first woman President of the The numerous contributions and accomplishments in TCF Board, Marcia Alig, shared that following the grant which Karl and Sue played a part are examples of the that Karl made happen that a “CLTP has been presented “quiet difference” that they made in TCF’s journey at the at each national conference. Although it has evolved over local, regional and national levels for more than 25 years. time, CLTP continues today. Hundreds of chapter leaders As David Gibson, a former vice-president of the TCF owe their success to this creative program.” Board and trustee, so aptly stated, “Occasionally in an organization there will be dedicated individuals who don’t Marcia also stated that “using her excellent editing skills, seek the spotlight for themselves but put their energy into Sue helped edit the beloved TCF poems of the late poet the organization’s success from behind the scenes. That Sascha Wagner. The goal was to create a comprehensive describes Karl and Sue Snepps’ role in The Compassionate volume of Sascha’s poetry.” Sue helped Joyce Andrews with Friends in memory of their son, Dave.” the compilation of this challenging task; they accomplished it and the book was sold to benefit TCF. Beyond their many titles, goodwill, and tireless commitment to TCF’s mission throughout the years, they (continued on page 12) We Need Not Walk Alone|1 1

(continued from page 11) from Indiana, their state of origin. They referred to themselves as “Team Snepp” and a true team they were in are also remembered for their true kind-heartedness to every sense of the word. their many friends in TCF. Dr. Gloria and Phil Horsley Sadly, Sue died in December of 2016 from cancer of an shared that “Karl and Sue Snepp were great friends and unknown source that metastasized to her lower spine and grief support to all who knew them. Their support for The elsewhere. Karl’s death followed Sue’s in April of 2019 Compassionate Friends was and is profound. We always got from prostate cancer that he survived for 25+ years before a supportive e-mail on Scott’s birthday and we continued to it finally took his life. Sue’s obituary was written by Karl, be touched by stories of their beloved son, Dave.” whose sense of humor shone through. One can almost hear Dr. Heidi Horsley, former TCF Board member, says, Sue’s contagious laughter at some of Karl’s witty remarks. “I loved seeing Karl and Sue at TCF conferences; they After seeing Karl and Sue at nearly all the 20 national were both so genuine and remembered details about my conferences I’ve attended, their absence was strongly felt this brother Scott. While they attended TCF in memory of past July at the national conference in Philadelphia, the city their son Dave, they always validated and acknowledged where they began their journey with TCF. Not to receive the significance of sibling loss, and fully supported their their sincere, warm hugs and see their smiles like at previous daughter Karen.” Karl and Sue were very proud of Karen, conferences felt wrong personally, just as I know it must have who was the first sibling TCF Board president (1996-98) felt to their other abundant TCF friends and admirers. and serves currently as a TCF Foundation trustee. The Those who contributed to this article (including Marcia, Snepp threesome was close-knit and traveled the world Gloria, Phil, Heidi, Sam, David and John) ended their together. They were season-ticket holders for the WNBA’s comments about Karl and Sue with such fitting statements Seattle Storm. They could be found heartily cheering on the three-time champions, as well as the Purdue Boilermakers 1 2 |We Need Not Walk Alone

as “their legacy continues”, “we miss them dearly”, “their ***Below we share their online obituaries that so beautifully tell of example of a life well lived will live on in all whose lives their very full lives and interesting adventures. they touched”, and “it is with love and appreciation that https://cascadememorial.com/obituary/170215/Suzanne-Snepp/ we remember this extraordinary couple.” I believe this https://cascadememorial.com/obituary/310416/Karl-Snepp-Jr/ paragraph written by John Santoro summarizes well what those who had the privilege and good fortunate to know Cathy’s 15-year-old daughter, Nina Westmoreland, was killed by a drunk them would echo: “Due to our shared grief, we meet people driver while her family was vacationing in Orlando, FL in May of 1995. we would never have met had the courses of our lives been In 2012, her police officer son Christopher took his own life. She has been different. We all wished we weren’t in TCF, but given our very involved in TCF for over 24 years first as newsletter editor and then reality, we honor and value those who help us after the chapter leader for the St. Paul, MN Chapter. She served for six years on the unimaginable. Karl and Sue will always be honored for TCF National Board of Directors and is Minnesota’s Regional Coordinator. what they did to touch our lives, and valued for whom they She is also the TCF Director of Online Services and editor for TCF’s online were—funny, wise, generous and compassionate friends.” magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone. Cathy is married to Greg, has three surviving children (Lisa, Amy and Dan) and five grandchildren (Jett, Ethan, Olivia, Ellie and Flynn), the loves of her life. How I Found Hope ... ©John Keith/stock.adobe.com My special needs, nine-year-old son Sebastian, died in early September 2014. I dedicated my life for years up until that point to him and his needs. A huge part of me was gone, and I didn’t know how I could go on. I felt lost and alone. For months afterward, I lived in a fog and haze. I did not know how I was going to move forward on my new path in my new life. And then on a Saturday morning in December, I found an article online talking about an Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting Service that was going to be held locally the very next evening. And in the article was an email address to contact for information. I wrote the email. It was only three sentences long, and it felt like it took a very long time to write. It was one of the few times I wrote about losing Sebastian. It was so hard just to put those words down. Within the hour, I got a very caring response. “Brian, first I am so sorry to hear about your son, I know firsthand what you are going through; I too lost a son, my only child. Of course, you can come and feel free to invite your family and friends.” She then described what they would be doing at the event and for me to bring a framed picture of Sebastian to sit on the table with others. She also asked me to email her a photo of him if I would like him in the slide show. With such short notice, it was such a kind and caring gesture and just what I needed. She ended her email with, “My heart is with you and your family. I wish you Hope.” The next evening our family went to the Candle Lighting Service and was overcome with emotion. There must have been 70 other people and families there also mourning their losses. That evening we talked and shared with others. I learned that I was not alone. Our family was not alone. That there was a group that meets monthly to share and listen with. That there was “Hope” for me, for us, for others. That it is okay to feel what you feel, and that grief takes time, whatever time it takes. When I think back, it was that initial caring reply to my email inquiring about the Candle Lighting Service that lifted me onto a better path and the direction forward I needed. “My heart is with you and your family. I wish you Hope.” Brian Mayle, Sebastian’s Dad Chapter Leader of The Fort Myers / Cape Coral Florida Chapter of The Compassionate Friends We Need Not Walk Alone|1 3

I Loathed the First Christmas After My Brother Died by Lynn Shattuck © New Africa/stock.adobe.com I felt like the strands of jewel-toned lights were taunting relief. Together, we agreed it was okay to hate the holidays, me, the ads flashing symbols of family and love and and with that permission hovering in the air around us, we togetherness. The tumbling of decades of holiday memories actually found small pockets of joy. rising in my mind: the time my brother and I secretly opened each other’s gifts weeks before Christmas. The It was still hard and painful, and everything felt off-kilter, photos of us hunched beneath the tree, unwrapping tilted. But we survived it. We gave each other silly gifts, and sweaters or skis. It all felt like salt on the wound, stinging we giggled a little, and together, we wrapped gauze over that and mean. first set of holidays without our lost loves, knowing that the following year would likely be a little easier, having gotten All I could see was what was missing—my brother. My through with our new, unwelcomed normal. family as I’d known it. It often feels like a lifetime since that first Christmas To cope, my parents and I followed the advice of grief books without my brother. Yet, the holidays still bring up a distinct and created new traditions. We spent Christmas morning sense of unease in me. All the expectations of cheer and with two women whose husbands had died within the last joy and brightly wrapped gifts doesn’t make the ache in our year. It sounds like a real party, right? Two grieving parents, lives go away. a bereft sister, and two widows. But it actually was. Not having to pretend that life was shiny and tinsel-lined was a Sometimes, it simply illuminates it. 1 4 |We Need Not Walk Alone We never get over the loss of a loved one. We get through.

With time, the rawness eases. But the pain also settles into frosting across sugar cookies and dusting them with ruby- our joints, into the hollow of our bones. It is patient and colored sprinkles. The anniversary of one of my closest stubborn. It lingers. For many of us, the holidays bring it all friend’s death that brought so many tears today. The sparkle rushing to the surface. in my children’s eyes as they make out their gift lists. The My life today is good, and one that a younger, haunted feeling of my husband’s palm. The ancient, yet ever-present version of me couldn’t have imagined. I have two beautiful loss of my baby brother. There is space for it all if, just like babies, a kind, funny husband, and amazing friends and that first Christmas without my brother, I allow it. family. This is not the raw, I am overflowing. metallic grief of those early years. Yet, I still To understand that emotions can be May this season be rich can’t totally embrace this layered and complex, that we can be and real. May we not season. I can’t string lights grateful and grieving, hobbled and need to hide from our without those sore parts sadness, our longing, or making themselves known, happy, devastated and daring, all our goodness. May we reminding me they’re simultaneously. find space for all of this to here—still, and probably mingle. May we feel it all, forever. brightly, achingly, deeply. One of the hardest lessons of my adulthood is about Story first published on Elephant Journal. Lynn Shattuck grew up figuring out how to hold the dark and the light at the same in an Alaskan rainforest and now lives in Maine. Her work has time. To understand that emotions can be layered and appeared in Elephant Journal, Headspace and Mind Body Green, complex, that we can be grateful and grieving, hobbled and among other outlets. Lynn is currently writing a memoir about her happy, devastated and daring, all simultaneously. brother’s death. To learn more about her, visit her website, The Light This year, I’m going to more fully invite the richness of Will Find You. all these feelings. The delight of smoothing snow-white Save the Date © Boggy / stock.adobe.com We Need Not Walk Alone|1 5

“Take One for Raymond” Finding Hope Through TCF and a Living Legacy by Elaine Plotkin © Khunatorn/stock.adobe.com Ten years ago, on 11/11/2009 (Veterans Day), we lost colleagues, professional bereavement counseling, and The our youngest son, Raymond, to the H1N1 (swine) flu. Compassionate Friends organization. It was the year of the worldwide flu pandemic when a disproportionate number of young adults lost their lives to Believe it or not, our son, Raymond, gave us hope. When a strain of the flu that they had no immunity to and which Raymond was suffering with migraine headaches as the flu shot that year didn’t protect them against. In fact, an adolescent (unrelated to his death), he told us that in 2009, one needed two flu shots. The first shot was the we should never use his condition as an excuse for not regular flu shot and the second was a booster flu shot that doing something. Our TCF children, grandchildren and carried protection again the H1N1 strain. Unfortunately, siblings would not want us to stop living our lives if the that second shot wasn’t available until AFTER Raymond unthinkable happened to them. After Raymond died, we died. When we sent our 18 year old son off to his first year found a quote that he had posted shortly before his death of college in the Fall of 2009, little did we know that when from an anonymous source. It was “Life’s challenges are he returned home, it would be in a casket. not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” Since this quote obviously resonated So what do you do as parents to find hope, to find that spark with Raymond, it too resonated with us and gave us hope. to help you continue to function, after such a devastating We engraved this quote on his cemetery stone to comfort loss? For each of us, it will be something different. For all who would come to visit, including us. Losing Raymond us, it was a combination of things: a conversation that was the biggest challenge our family ever faced. our son had with us when he was sick a few years earlier, a Facebook posting that our son had made a few weeks prior We were fortunate to have an understanding and to his death, a supportive network of family, friends and compassionate network of people to surround us after Raymond died. They knew that we were shattered, and they 1 6 |We Need Not Walk Alone

were available and present, but we also knew that we needed immunize thousands of young people since Raymond’s professional help and guidance. We couldn’t do this alone. death by encouraging them to get their flu shots (Take One We were fortunate to find a professional counselor, who for Raymond), as Raymond couldn’t get that second booster was a bereaved parent herself and her guidance helped us shot in 2009, which contained protection against the tremendously that first year and for “tune-ups” off and on H1N1 strain of the flu. Flu shots now have that protection. afterwards when we needed her. It is not a sign of weakness Raymond’s story resonates with young people and they to seek professional help. It is a sign of strength. come out in the thousands to get their flu shots each year on the UNM campus. In addition to Take One for Raymond, Within six days of Raymond’s death and funeral, we we have established scholarships at both UNM and in attended our very first Compassionate Friends meeting in Houston to help incoming freshmen engineering students Houston. We were numb and in shock but knew that we had (like Raymond) and to send a young person to tennis camp to see other parents who had been through what we had just (as Raymond did when he was in middle and high school) experienced and listen to their stories. That first meeting respectively. Helping young people in Raymond’s behalf has had only a handful of people in attendance, but it was the given us hope for the future. It’s so rewarding for us to hear best thing that we could have done because what we came each flu season that people have “taken one” for Raymond. away with was hope. Hope that if these parents could make Everyone knows about Raymond and says his name! it through their most devastating loss, so could we. We continued to go to TCF local meetings and Ronnie began It’s been 10 years since Raymond died of the H1N1 swine using the TCF online chat between meetings to connect with flu virus and we still are involved in TCF. The difference other parents who lost children. Each day, little by little and is that we have been able to tell our story to other newly with a lot of help and support, we were finally able to live bereaved parents, grandparents and adult siblings and be again, to even smile and laugh again. It took time, but we a source of hope for them. When we attend a national got there by doing our grief work.....and it is work. conference now, we attend to see our TCF family and talk to newly bereaved parents. We have been in their shoes A major turning point came two and one-half years after and we know the value of peer-to-peer conversation in Raymond died when we were able to attend our first the TCF setting. We feel that we have come full circle and National TCF Conference. It was being held in Costa Mesa, can now say that there is life, there is hope beyond a child, CA. We didn’t know what to expect from a grief conference grandchild’s or sibling’s death. Taking the time to do the or how we’d react to it, but it was life changing. We learned grief work by helping yourself (and your immediate family) to focus on Raymond’s life and not his one day of death. first and then helping others will get you to that hope that We definitely changed after attending that conference. you need to move forward and beyond. Since then, there have not been many national conferences that we have missed and we just attended our first regional Not a day goes by that we don’t miss Raymond, but we TCF conference in Houston. There’s something about know that he would be very proud of his parents and family these larger gatherings where you have a lot of parents, for what has been done on his behalf to help others...and grandparents and adult siblings that makes you feel that you that, gives us hope each and every day moving forward. are definitely not alone. You have people who can relate to you and can share their experiences of how they made Elaine and Ronnie Plotkin never thought that when they sent their younger it through the worst days of their lives. In our case, these experiences have given us a tremendous amount of hope son, Raymond, off to the University of New Mexico in Albuquerque from and a forward direction. Houston, TX for his first semester of college, he would never return. The final piece for us was the ability to provide our son with a living legacy by helping others in his behalf. We Raymond died on 11/11/2009, five days after contracting the H1N1 swine have established the Take One for Raymond Foundation, which is an initiative to encourage flu immunization for flu and two months before a booster flu shot with protection was available all, but especially for college age students. Each year, the University of New Mexico in Albuquerque partners with nationwide. Within six days of Raymond’s death, Elaine and Ronnie our family and offers Take One for Raymond flu shot clinics on campus. Lending Raymond’s story has helped attended their very first Compassionate Friends meeting of the Inner Loop Chapter in Houston, TX. Elaine was later secretary of the local chapter, served on the Houston Regional TCF Committee, and has continued to volunteer at TCF national conferences. They have one surviving older son, Jason and his wife, Aliza, along with one grandson, Isaac Ray Plotkin, named lovingly after his Uncle Raymond. We Need Not Walk Alone|1 7

© Bits and Splits/stock.adobe.com It’s The Shame by Bart Sumner I love talking about my son David. He died in I have come to terms with the fact that David’s 2009 on the football practice field at the age of accident was just that, a horrible accident. I 10. He suffered a sudden traumatic brain injury logically know, and have accepted, the fact that and basically died in my arms. He was fully suited there was no one to blame and nothing that was up, wearing the most advanced head protection done that brought about his death. But, even available today, he had never had any head injury though I know this, and have forgiven myself for prior to the incident, and he had been coached letting him ever play football in the first place, the properly and was not doing anything that invited shame lingers. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t need to make such a tragedy. those qualifications every time someone asks me what happened. Perhaps it is because in my own Did you see it? Right there in the last sentence mind, if someone told me the same story I tell of that first paragraph? If you missed it, go back about how David died, I might make the same and read it again. That sentence, with all its judgments I fear they will make about me; that I qualifications of what was not done wrong and was foolish to let him play football, or that I didn’t how there was no one to blame or point fingers at care what happened to my boy, or that I pushed is where the shame lies. It seems to be one of the him into playing. All of these things are not true, hardest things to shake about the whole mess. I but in my own mind I know I would probably make mean, how do you let go of the shame that the one those same assumptions. So, as a defense, before job you have as a parent, keeping your child alive, others can form those accusations in their own you failed at? 1 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone

minds, I try to pre-empt their judgments. I guess it is sort of in order for the grief stricken to even begin to find a way like how I make a fat joke about myself sometimes, before through this undeserved self-punishment, they need to someone else does, so that they know I am aware I’m a little know those around them do not blame them. heavy and they won’t judge me for it. Like all people grieving a sudden loss, people certainly don’t I am also deeply aware that the shame I feel must pale in want to be told that God had a plan, or that their loved ones comparison to the shame others who have lost someone are in a better place. Those thoughts may someday help must feel. After all, I some grievers find the consider us “lucky” road forward, but it’s that in regards to No one can release the guilt and shame not something they David’s death we can be told. If that had no one else to someone feels, except the person who feels it. kind of perspective blame. There was no But in order for the grief stricken to even begin proves to be helpful crime, or neglect or for someone, it’s a to find a way through this undeserved self- point of view they suicide to have to try and reconcile. punishment, they need to know those around must find on his or We just had to wrap her own, through our heads around them do not blame them. their own faith or a life without our understanding. So boy; he was playing be gentle, be kind, America’s most popular sport with other youth. For those and just be there. Offer to help with the daily chores, or who have lost a loved one in a manner that society judges with meals. Show them you don’t judge them. It can be a as unacceptable, the feelings of guilt and shame, almost powerful tool to allow them to heal. always undeserved, must be paralyzing. I tell people all the As for me, I continue to work on forgiving myself and time that unless you have lost a child, you can’t understand letting the shame go. I have it logically figured out, but logic what it does to you. I think sometimes people politely and matters of the heart are rarely in sync. Perhaps someday nod and agree with that statement when they secretly I will be able to tell the tragic tale of my son’s accident don’t actually agree. But every person who has lost a child without the pre-apology and preemptive explanations. understands. Well, I fully accept the fact that I know I certainly am trying to get there. And for those of you nothing of the heartache someone experiences when a loved struggling with your own unique self-imposed shame, I one is murdered, whether by gun, drunk driver, or their extend my attempt at understanding, if not for the depth own hand. As horrible as what we have been through is, of your personal shame, for the fact that it is a normal the added levels of self-imposed guilt on those surviving byproduct of loss and that I have experienced it as well. tragedies like those is incomprehensible to me. Basically, I We all want to understand, but there are times life defies understand that I do not understand. explanation. Nothing anyone else says can help. It presents another Peace, Light, and Laughter to you. We all need it. wrinkle to the grief process that complicates every other Bart Sumner is David’s dad. David, 10, died in 2009 from a traumatic reaction and experience. Of course, one thing is true about brain injury during football practice. Bart is a professional actor and all grief; it’s individual and solitary, and the road forward screenwriter. Bart founded HEALING IMPROV, a nonprofit that provides is different for us all. So, what can we do for those who feel comedy improv grief workshops, speaks nationally on the subject of loss acute shame over someone else’s death? We can listen. We and comedy, and is the author of HEALING IMPROV: A JOURNEY can be there. We can do everything in our power to show THROUGH GRIEF TO LAUGHTER. them that we do not judge the action of others to be their fault or blame to carry. No one can release the guilt and shame someone feels, except the person who feels it. But We Need Not Walk Alone|19

© wajan/stock.adobe.com Grief Revisited by Carolyn Perrin any other, changed the life of countless people that I loved dearly. Life as a family of five came quickly to a halt and the They sat there in silence as the news “you have Metastatic four that were left began the grief journey. Cancer” rang in their ears. She had just broken this news to her beloved husband of 46 years. He was stunned, she I really didn’t know true grief until Lindsey died. I had lost was stunned and the quiet was deafening. What now? The relatives and grandparents etc. but no one as close as my couple sat with tears streaming down their faces, he in the child. It was foreign to me, pain this deep. Prior to that recliner, her on the sofa. A man that had never been lost for day, I thought I had it all, I don’t mean physical wealth, but words uttered one word “wow”. The future looked scary and what was much more important to me... a loving family, uncertain for this twosome that had met 51 years prior in three beautiful daughters, a wonderful husband, a career I high school, marrying when they were just 18 and 19 years loved as a labor and delivery nurse and countless friends. I old. They were the couple everyone knew as a plural, always had three grandchildren that upon taking their first breath, together. Life had been filled with joy and happiness, trials stole my heart forever. I was a leader on my unit, the “go to” and tribulations, but only one that seemed insurmountable, person for questions, advice, and was jokingly considered a the death of their daughter. Now this, what was she to do. “mother figure”. I had a comfortable home, plenty to eat and anything I wanted (within reason). I really could not have Our life changed on a Wednesday afternoon in the Spring been more contented ... and then my daughter died. How I of 2010. It was that beautiful sunny day that our daughter, survived this is a story for another time, but who I survived Lindsey, died. It was the defining day of my life thus far. it with is the point of this article. I had known and supported those who had lost children. Never could I survive such a thing. I wasn’t that strong, certainly they had something I didn’t. This day, a day like 2 0 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Rick was my husband of 46 years, my best friend, my So here I am, without him and without Lindsey and it has soulmate, my go-to guy for pretty much everything. When brought all my feelings back to the surface. The difference is Lindsey died, he tried to take the role of the patriarch and this time I know there is another side. I know this raw pain take care of everyone else. The result of this was him not will go away and in its place will be an all familiar pain that taking care of his own grief, but it was natural for him to comes with “missing” them. You see, that never goes away, put his “girls” first. When I discovered his attempt at putting because love that deep and that strong can’t be forgotten himself on the back burner, we began to work together to even in death. So to honor two of the greatest parts of my embrace this new life we hadn’t asked for. We trudged this life, I will take those steps, even though it is painful. path through some rough terrain dragging with us every possible emotion like giant boulders weighing us down. We Although I miss Lindsay and Rick beyond words, I have two would take a step and fall back, but we always took another surviving daughters that love me and loved them too. They step. We didn’t know where we were going, but we knew we are my rocks this time, they provide the strength I lack. They would do it together. We found The Compassionate Friends provide a hug when I need it and a gentle “nudge” forward and were immediately welcomed and wrapped in a cocoon when I need that. I have grandchildren that think I hung the of safety. The eyes we met in that room, in that church, on a moon. Even though my life is not what I thought it would Tuesday night is a memory etched in my mind forever. be, I have to embrace what I have, remember and appreciate what I lost and hope for a future that, although different, will The years that followed were filled with life events, special bring me happiness again. I will miss Lindsey and Rick every occasions, celebrations and empty chairs. She should be second of every minute of every day for the rest of my life. here as the country song says. Together we walked the grief My goal is to live my best life in my remaining years, so one journey, hand in hand, heart to heart. We cried together and day I will see them again and what a reunion that will be. laughed together. We tried our best to make lemonade and more lemonade. We also cried alone when we needed to, Carolyn is a Registered Nurse working in Labor and Delivery for 40+ years. She but the one thing that was steady, that didn’t change was our love and support for each other and our love for our family. became more involved in bereavement at her hospital and had seen many grieving We continued to put our family first and tried desperately to help them heal by making new memories doing new things, mothers and had several friends who had lost children. But when she lost her beloved even when doing that was often painful. I can truly say I couldn’t have done it without him. daughter Lindsey in 2010, her world was shattered. She became a co-leader of the Richmond Chapter of Compassionate Friends RVA. Recently, Carolyn’s husband of 46 years and childhood sweetheart passed away in April of 2019. In order to survive, Carolyn has started writing a blog of her journey. She lives in Midlothian, Va. near her two surviving daughters, and has four grandchildren who are the light of her life. Know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. © mumemories/stock.adobe.com They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love. ~ Leo Buscaglia We Need Not Walk Alone|2 1

My Life as an Outsider by Melissa Dlugolecki © Melissa Dlugolecki Last night I was witnessing the life I once had, as an outsider. Visiting with my best friends and their kids. All around Leyden’s age. There were brownies, whiffle-ball, movies and meltdowns. Negotiating pajamas, bath time, and sleeping arrangements. Little voices, curious, questioning and giggling. Chaos. And beauty. I kept wondering how Leyden would fit in. What color would her hair be... what would her voice be like.... would she want to sleep in a room with her friends...the list went on and on. Leyden’s last day out of the hospital was spent with these friends and their now five and six-year olds. Then infants, they were all alongside their moms as we had coffee together (I literally ran on coffee back then) and swapped war stories around sleepless nights, breastfeeding, pumping and more. I remember leaving to go pump and knew Leyden was safe with her “aunties”. When we left breakfast, I called Leyden’s doctor to say that something seemed off. He directed us to the hospital for safe keeping. 89 days later…I left…without Leyden. I didn’t know if it would be possible to again hold those babies that sat alongside Leyden. But, in time, I am. Through the pain, the knots, the difficulty breathing, I feel progress. I feel grateful that Leyden chose me to be her mom. Compassion for how hard it must be for Leyden’s aunties to be by my side through this. Grateful for their love, strength and patience as I figure it out. Relieved that I could be honest with them about the pain and also the love and happiness watching their kids grow. I feel open to the idea that I might someday have more kids and be back in that world with my friends. And open to the idea that I might just stay as I am, Leyden’s mom. Pain doesn’t mean a lack of progress. In fact, they often co-exist. It was no surprise that I woke up puffy eyed and craving a big ol’ cup of coffee 2 2 |We Need Not Walk Alone

(haven’t had one in years- emotional cravings are real). I Melissa Dlugolecki is a bereaved mother to her late daughter, Leyden. sipped with gratitude for being able to share the honesty Leyden was born with congenital heart disease and treated at Boston of my emptiness with Mooch who sipped her coffee right Children’s Hospital. Unanticipated complications arose in her care and she alongside. died at the age of 4 months of “NEC” in a case termed a catastrophe in June of 2014. Melissa is now a life coach, a gut-health educator, the host of the I know I’m not alone- we all have our loads. Whatever podcast “Grief, Guts and Green Smoothies” and on the Board of Directors you’re carrying- I see you - your strength. Cheers to you. of the NEC Society. You can read more of her work on her blog at www. We got this. griefandguts.com where you can also find her podcast, which shares many strategies around grief. How I Found Hope ... © leighton collins/stock.adobe.com Our son Michael had died as a premature baby back in 1985; we were just 21 years old and suddenly we were in the world of grieving parents. We joined a Pregnancy and Infant Loss support group and our 4-year-old son kept us busy while we grieved. We then had two daughters, each 17 months apart, so we were busy. Life went on, we stopped going to that group but remained in touch with those dear people. Then tragically 25 years later our oldest son, Benjamin died. We were thrust into this world of parental grief, AGAIN!! Now what, how will we survive this again? There were no little ones around and our 30-year-old son was dead. The memories, the what-should-yet-bes continually bombarded my mind and pierced my heart. Then a friend found TCF on the internet and I attended my first meeting two months after his death. I found others walking this road and as we read the Credo together, I realized I wasn’t nor needed to be alone. I attended a National Conference that next summer and found even more support and attended workshops that spoke to my aching heart. I felt I was “learning” about grief while being supported and loved. I felt my boys prodding me along as I began volunteering within the chapter and at a local school. I was already a Hospice volunteer and I found helping other families walk in that process helped me. Now it’s eight years later and I have been the Chapter Leader for five years in January. I just became the Regional Coordinator for South Florida and am looking forward to getting to know my neighbor TCF chapters and giving them whatever support and encouragement I can. I feel that in continuing to attend meetings and host events perhaps others will see my smile along with my tears, and find their own “Hope.” Linda Wallace, Michael and Benjamin’s Mom We Need Not Walk Alone|2 3

The Wisdom of Darcie Sims Low Fat, Lite Holidays I’m tired of LOW FAT. I’m tired of FAT FREE. I’m tired of cooler than before, the thinking rice cakes are good! (They’re NOT the same as downhill slide towards Oreos!) I’m tired of trying to be creative in my thinking, THE HOLIDAYS my eating, my living; and I’m tired of dreading the holiday intensifies. season. In fact, I’m just plain TIRED! By Halloween, I’m I saw my first holiday greeting card today, and I’m still in bracing for THOSE days shorts and sandals. I thought I was tired of summer -- but and by Thanksgiving, the not so tired that buying a holiday greeting card was the thought of being cheery answer. I must admit that the summer’s heat could end now is often simply too much and I would not miss it, but must we rush the seasons that to bear. Gifts? RIGHT! much? What could I possibly It’s one thing to wish for a cool day once in awhile, but the find, wrap, give or get TALK SHOW HOSTESS does not have to share a recipe for that would lighten THIS preparing a low fat version of fruitcake on a show that still load? Icicles form around features HOT WEATHER GARDENING TIPS! I’m tired of my heart and THE RUSHING, too. holidays are only colored with despair. I’ve forgotten where The holidays will be here soon enough. I think they actually I stashed the gifts I did manage to buy during the sidewalk start right after the 4th of July because that’s when the sales last summer, and that recipe for low fat fruitcake was clothing ads feature sweaters and winter coats. WHO can copied down and promptly misplaced (for which my family think of wearing WOOL when it’s 103! AM I CRAZY or is and friends SHOULD be eternally grateful!) the rest of the world nuts?! By November, I’ve run out of options, however, and no I’m tired of dreading almost half of each year because some matter how creative I am, there is no denying the approach marketing expert thinks it would be “cute” to have Jingle of THOSE DAYS when the rest of the world looks far Bells echoing through the frozen food section in the middle happier than I have been or will ever be. of August. Even their voices are cheery as we slip past each other on If I have to start thinking HOLIDAY in July, and it takes more the icy sidewalks! It grows dark at 4:30 in the afternoon, and than a few weeks to “recover” from The Holiday Season after there is little comfort in a carrot on a wintry day. I’m tired of it’s over, then I really am spending almost half of each year LOW FAT substitutes for happiness. I’m tired of bracing for coping with the holiday blues. And I’m TIRED of THAT! the memories that flood back to better times and for fearing Most people think THE HOLIDAYS start sometime in the sights and sounds that only serve to remind me of what November, but for me, they never really stop. I can get isn’t anymore. depressed any time of year and blame it on the holidays CAN ANYONE STOP THE HOLIDAYS PLEASE? CAN (except for the month of August- there are no holidays in ANYONE FIND A FAT SUBSTITUTE THAT REALLY that poor month, but just being August is reason enough to TASTES LIKE MOM’S PUMPKIN PIE? be depressed.) CAN ANYONE FIGURE OUT A CURE FOR THE PAIN My reds and greens can turn to blue at any moment. It only OF THESE MEMORIES? takes a few notes of a song, a whiff of REAL food (low fat Probably not. So, as long as we are stuck with the does not smell heavenly) or a trace of a memory to send me approaching holidays and as long as we remain determined into the dumps. to be healthy and keep up the good low-fat fight, what can We can recycle pain ANYTIME, but somehow, once we do to turn this season of despair into a season of hope? the displays are up in the stores and the weather turns Where are the beacons of light (recipes?) that make low fat anything acceptable? 2 4 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Handling the holidays is not deciding how to eliminate Tradition, habit, obligation? the fat, the pain, the memories from our lives, but rather, learning how to LIVE WITH THE HURT INSTEAD OF • Do YOU have to do this, or can others do it for you? BEING CONSUMED BY IT. • Do you LIKE doing it? • How could this activity be done differently • BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. Know that hardly • GIVE YOURSELF THE GIFT OF EMOTIONS. Put anyone is as happy as you think they might be. We all have our hurts to hide. We are always in a hurry. We the motion back into the emotions. Toss a Nerf brick want things to BE BETTER NOW. Do what you can when you’re angry or pound a pillow. Go outside and this season and let it be enough. yell while you shovel snow. Find a way to express the intensity of your feelings in a PERSONALLY • BE REALISTIC. It will hurt, especially if there is NONDESTRUCTIVE WAY. an empty chair at the table. Don’t try to block bad • BUY A GIFT FOR YOUR LOVED ONE. Give it away moments. Be ready for them. Lay in a supply of tissues to someone who would otherwise not have a gift. It (a roll of toilet paper is more efficient). Anticipation is is the giving, the exchanging of love that we miss the often far worse than reality. Let those hurting moments most. When you share love, it grows. come, deal with them and let them go. • HANG THE STOCKINGS. PLACE A WREATH ON THE GRAVE. • LEAVE the word OUGHT out of this holiday. Do whatever feels RIGHT for you and your family. • PLAN AHEAD. Grieving people often experience a lack of concentration. Make lists. Prioritize everything. • SHARE YOUR HOLIDAYS with someone -- anyone. Decide what is really important. (Breathing and potty Ride the ferry, visit a soup kitchen or nursing home, time rank right up there!) spend an evening at the bus station. There are lots of lonely people who could use your love and caring. • REDEFINE EXPECTATIONS of self and others. Be honest in what you expect to be able to do. We live in • WORK AT LIFTING DEPRESSION. Take a world of OUGHTS and SHOULDS and suffer from responsibility for self. We cannot wait for someone else guilt because we cannot meet our own expectations. to wrap up some joy and give it to us. We have to do that for ourselves. Think of things you enjoy and give • BE KIND AND GENTLE TO SELF. Figure out what yourself a treat. (ONE cookie will NOT cause mounds you SHOULD do, balance it against what you are of fat to be deposited on your hips- a dozen, however, CAPABLE of doing and then COMPROMISE. Forgive might!) yourself for living when your loved one died. • UNDERSTAND THAT HEARTACHES WILL BE • LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Find the quiet space within UNPACKED as you sift through the decorations, but so where all the answers live. As you become aware of too are the warm, loving memories of each piece. Don’t your needs, tell family members and friends. deny yourself the GIFT OF HEALING TEARS. • KEEP SOME TRADITIONS. Choose which ones. • ASK FOR HELP. Make a help-on-a-stick sign and Don’t toss out everything this year. You can always try stand on the porch, waving it. Someone will notice (but changing a routine. Try whatever pops into your head. may not stop. Just because you ask for help does not You can always scrap it if it doesn’t work. guarantee you will get some, but if you never ask, no one will ever know how much you might need a hug.) • TAKE CARE OF SELF PHYSICALLY. Eat right (toss some chocolate chips into the oat bran; gift wrap some • LEARN TO LOOK FOR JOY IN THE MOMENT. broccoli; ban low fat for 1 glorious meal!) Exercise (or Learn to celebrate what you do have instead of making at least watch someone else). Jog your memory! mental lists of what you’re missing. Change the way you look at things. • HOLD ON TO YOUR POCKET BOOK & CHARGE CARDS. You can’t buy away grief, although you might • LIGHT A SPECIAL CANDLE-. not in memory of a be tempted to try. death, but in celebration of a life and a love shared! NEVER FORGET THAT ONCE SOMEONE LOVED • SCREEN ALL HOLIDAY ACTIVITIES: US AND WE LOVED BACK. NO ONE CAN DENY THAT GIFT EXCHANGE! • Will it be the holidays without it? We Need Not Walk Alone|2 5 • Why do you do this activity?

• LIVE THROUGH THE HURT so JOY CAN RETURN health conscious or bereaved, but whatever IS CAN BE TO WARM YOUR HEART. I’m tired of LOW FAT SOMETHING and that just may be the beacon of hope in LIFE and I’m tired of dreading the approaching holiday this season of despair. season. I can’t live with my entire being focused on fat Grab the fruitcake and the low fat turkey and get moving to grams and painful memories. So, since I can’t eliminate the rhythms of this holiday season- the season where love fat completely and if I get rid of the memories, I must and memory lighten the heart and chase the gloom. Skip also get rid of the remembered joy, I’ll just have to the fat, shed the tears, light the candle and find the light. do what I can and forgive the rest. The holidays are Make this holiday season full of LITE and LIGHT and survivable just as fat is manageable. I’ll have to run LOVE: the best seasoning of all! a few more miles and shed a few more tears, but I’m not going to let yesterday use up today and if I do find The late Darcie Sims wrote hundreds of articles over the years on grief and something wonderful to eat or a terrific memory to loss which have been extremely popular and shared in hundreds of TCF cherish, I’ll enjoy them all. publications. We Need Not Walk Alone is proud to honor her by featuring selections of her work in a column titled “The Wisdom of Darcie Sims.” I will not allow fat or pain or fear or sadness to ruin the entire season. It may not be the same as before we became How I Found Hope ... © Subbotina Anna/stock.adobe.com Through the years, many people have said to me, “Are you still with that organization?” I used to just reply, “Yes, I am,” and then steer the conversation into another direction. That was then. Today, when someone asks that question, I look at them and say, Yes, and, as a matter of fact, if not for that organization, I am not sure I could stand here and be talking to you. I am not sure I would have been able to get out of my bed to attend this wonderful celebration with happiness in my heart and a smile on my face. The happiness is real, the smile is real. I do not need to say anything else because after I say that, they get it. Or at least they try to get it. But they cannot really “get it.” How can they? This organization, this lifeline of hope and peace, this place we come to share our deepest thoughts, our broken hearts, our tears, our pain is the only place that understands. The only place where no one looks at you with sadness in their eyes and feels pity for you. We don’t want pity. We want people to see the strength we’ve gained through this organization. No judgment......And that is what I give to everyone. No judgment. Because I look at them and I think, you will never know when you might need us, or perhaps someone in your family or a friend might need us. And I want you to know we are here and will always be here. TCF is my guiding light, my beacon in times of darkness. Without TCF, for me, there would be no peace, there would be no love. Thank you TCF for being a group of thousands that can all be my friend. Theresa Iervolino, Jessica’s Mom Secretary Serving on the Board of Directors for the Compassionate Friends Chapter Leader of the North Shore Chapter of Long Island 2 6 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Connect with Other Bereaved Parents, Grandparents, and © believeinme33/fotolia.com Siblings Everyday on TCF’s Online Support Community The Compassionate Friends offers “virtual chapters” through an Online Support Community (live chats). This program was established to encourage connecting and sharing among parents, grandparents, and siblings (over the age of 18) grieving the death of a child, grandchild or sibling. The rooms supply support, encouragement, and friendship. The friendly atmosphere encourages conversation among friends; friends who understand the emotions you’re experiencing. There are general bereavement sessions as well as more specific sessions: MONDAY TUESDAY 10 AM EST | 9 AM CST | 8 AM MST | 7 AM PST 8 PM EST | 7 PM CST | 6 PM MST | 5 PM PST (open depending on moderator availability) Loss to Substance Related Causes Parents/Grandparents/Siblings 9 PM EST | 8 PM CST | 7 PM MST | 6 PM PST 9 PM EST | 8 PM CST | 7 PM MST | 6 PM PST Bereaved Less than Two Years Parents/Grandparents/Siblings 9 PM EST | 8 PM CST | 7 PM MST | 6 PM PST WEDNESDAY Bereaved More than Two Years 10 AM EST | 9 AM CST | 8 AM MST | 7 AM PST THURSDAY Pregnancy/Infant Loss 8 PM EST | 7 PM CST | 6 PM MST | 5 PM PST 9 PM EST | 8 PM CST | 7 PM MST | 6 PM PST No Surviving Children Parents/Grandparents/Siblings 9 PM EST | 8 PM CST | 7 PM MST | 6 PM PST FRIDAY Parents/Grandparents/Siblings 10 AM EST | 9 AM CST | 8 AM MST | 7 AM PST SATURDAY (open depending on moderator availability) Parents/Grandparents/Siblings 9 PM EST | 8 PM CST | 7 PM MST | 6 PM PST 8 PM EST | 7 PM CST | 6 PM MST | 5 PM PST Parents/Grandparents/Siblings Loss to Substance Related Causes 8 PM EST | 7 PM CST | 6 PM MST | 5 PM PST Pregnancy/Infant Loss 9 PM EST | 8 PM CST | 7 PM MST | 6 PM PST Parents/Grandparents/Siblings SUNDAY 8 PM EST | 7 PM CST | 6 PM MST | 5 PM PST Suicide Loss 9 PM EST | 8 PM CST | 7 PM MST | 6 PM PST Parents/Grandparents/Siblings Visit www.compassionatefriends.org/find-support/online-communities/online-support/ for more information and to register. We Need Not Walk Alone|2 7

© Егор Фомин/stock.adobe.com Becoming Melancholy How My Grandson’s Death Changed the Way I Live by Patricia Mealer I continue to learn and grow as this new person I have become, a griever making my re-entry back into life among those untouched by loss. In adjusting to the new me, I have come to accept things about myself that at first I assumed were temporary. I now know that I am permanently changed. Self-awareness is a good thing. If grief has provided anything positive, it would be the soul-searching that I needed to do in order to overcome my loss. Grief shatters you, tears you apart. Rips open your soul, breaks your heart and forces you to open your eyes. When I was able to put myself back together, I found my perception of everything had been completely altered. Grief makes you aware, hyper-aware. You become more of who you really are and you see the truth of who others are as well. In this new state of being I tend to over-analyze everything. Not to be weighed as right or wrong or to judge, but to prevent the mental unrest that may unintentionally harm my fragile psyche. I find myself living a life mostly melancholy. Although I have consistently tried to resume an overtly happy life, I now realize this was also misguided. There is absolutely nothing wrong with living my life the way I am. It is not a dishonor to Konnor to be sad at times. I am, in fact, honoring him when I have moments of sadness because I am expressing my love for him. To continue to falsely create a facade of a life that does not exist would be a mockery. I am doing much better than I was. I am, for the most part, happier now. I can laugh when something is funny. I smile more. For this I feel proud considering where I was two years ago. I am settling into myself, content in who I am. Shaped by grief but surviving by 2 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone

my love for my family and everything that is left in the here is staring off into space, lost in your own thoughts in a room and now. full of people. It’s that lump in your throat and the ache in your chest. Grieving and feeling melancholy has turned me into a deeply emotional human being. Some handle loss well and manage I have adjusted to the overwhelming emotions I can to go unscathed. For me, the changes I have felt within myself experience. I am comfortable with who I have become. Truth are irrevocable. I am emotional. I am aware. I am more alive be told, I would rather feel so much more than care less in a now having experienced the trauma of death. world that at times can seem so cold. I am blessed to experience a sunrise, my grandchildren, “When sadness knows the reason of tears, heart prepares to a beautiful song. It doesn’t bother me to feel everything carry the ache for years.” ~ Munia Khan so deeply. So what if I cry more than the average person. I get melancholy. I know what it means to lose someone I Patricia is a Professional Registered Nurse, mother of four, grandmother to treasured and thought so beautiful. seven, one being angel Konnor Mason, who passed suddenly November 22, 2015, at eight years old of a gastric perforation caused by a very rare bacteria. Being melancholy does not mean I am depressed or sad. It is not a mood. It is a state of being. It is loving your family Patricia started Konnor’s Lullaby as a Grief Blog to share her emotions with more. It is recognizing beauty unnoticed before. It is hearing those who were suffering as she was but may have been unable to express a song and crying because it brings forth a memory whether how they felt. Grief has a voice and it has a face. As Konnor’s grandmother good or bad. It is a feeling of stillness, fullness while at the she needed to share his story, her story and her families - the story of love same time experiencing emptiness, numbness. Melancholy and loss and hope. © SINSU1980 /stock.adobe.com A New Beginning by Ian “Rowdy” Rowan, Bereaved Grandfather of Sophia Ann West I opened up my heart To the possibility That people understand What grief has done to me To find another person Who’s sharing this deep pain May change that sense of loss Might help us to explain Our grief brought us together Now never will we part A little piece for everyone We’ll share within our heart Something we can cherish Friendship ‘tween me and you Through all this gloom and darkness A little light breaks through We Need Not Walk Alone|2 9

The Compassionate Friends Private Facebook Groups The Compassionate Friends offers a variety of private Facebook Groups. These pages are moderated by bereaved parents, siblings, or grandparents, and may not be accessed unless a request to join is approved by a moderator. These pages were established to encourage connection and sharing among parents, grandparents, and siblings grieving the death of a child, grandchild or sibling. © JAKKAPAN JABJAINAI/stock.adobe.com TCF – LOSS OF A CHILD TCF – LOSS TO A DRUNK/IMPAIRED DRIVER facebook.com/groups/tcflossofachild/ facebook.com/groups/tcfdrunkimpaireddriver/ TCF – LOSS OF A STEPCHILD facebook.com/groups/tcflossofastepchild/ TCF – LOSS TO CANCER TCF – LOSS OF A GRANDCHILD facebook.com/groups/tcflosstocancer/ facebook.com/groups/tcflossofagrandchild/ TCF – SIBS (for bereaved siblings) TCF – LOSS TO MISCARRIAGE OR STILLBIRTH facebook.com/groups/tcfsibs/ facebook.com/groups/tcflosstomiscarriagestillbirth/ TCF – BEREAVED LGBTQ PARENTS WITH LOSS OF A CHILD TCF – MISCARRIAGE, STILLBIRTH, LOSS OF AN facebook.com/groups/tcflgbtqlossofachild/ INFANT GRANDCHILD TCF – MULTIPLE LOSSES facebook.com/groups/miscarriagestillbirthinfantgrandchild/ facebook.com/groups/tcfmultiplelosses/ TCF – MEN IN GRIEF TCF - INFANT AND TODDLER LOSS facebook.com/groups/tcfmeningrief/ facebook.com/groups/tcfinfantandtoddlerloss/ TCF – DAUGHTERLESS MOTHERS facebook.com/groups/tcfdaughterlessmothers/ TCF - LOSS OF A CHILD 4 - 12 YEARS OLD TCF – GRANDPARENTS RAISING THEIR facebook.com/groups/tcflossofchild4to12/ GRANDCHILDREN facebook.com/groups/tcfgrandparentsraisinggc/ TCF – LOSS OF A CHILD 13-19 YEARS OLD TCF – SUDDEN DEATH facebook.com/groups/tcflossofchild13to19/ facebook.com/groups/tcfsuddendeath/ TCF - LOSS TO SUBSTANCE RELATED CAUSES TCF – LOSS OF AN ADULT CHILD facebook.com/groups/tcflosstosrc/ facebook.com/groups/tcflossofanadultchild/ TCF - SIBLING LOSS TO SUBSTANCE RELATED CAUSES facebook.com/groups/tcfsiblinglosstosrc/ TCF – LOSS OF YOUR ONLY CHILD/ALL YOUR TCF - LOSS TO SUICIDE CHILDREN facebook.com/groups/tcflosstosuicide/ facebook.com/groups/tcflossofonlychildallchildren/ TCF - LOSS TO HOMICIDE facebook.com/groups/tcflosstohomicide/ TCF – BEREAVED PARENTS WITH GRANDCHILD TCF – LOSS OF A CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS VISITATION ISSUES facebook.com/groups/tcfgrandchildvisitation/ facebook.com/groups/tcflossofchildwithspecialneeds/ TCF – GRIEVING WITH FAITH AND HOPE TCF – LOSS TO LONG-TERM ILLNESS facebook.com/groups/tcflosstolongtermillness/ TCF – READING YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF TCF – LOSS TO MENTAL ILLNESS facebook.com/groups/tcfreadingthroughgrief/ facebook.com/groups/tcflosstomentalillness/ TCF – CRAFTY CORNER facebook.com/groups/tcfcraftycorner/ THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS CHAPTER LEADERSHIP (for anyone currently serving on a Chapter steering committee) www.facebook.com/groups/tcfchapterleadership/ 3 0 |We Need Not Walk Alone

With sincere gratitude and deep appreciation, we acknowledge the ©Arndt Vladimir/fotolia.com generosity of the following individuals and organizations for their gifts to The Compassionate Friends. Your commitment and support are essential to fulfilling our mission. The following patron donations were received between November 1, 2018 - September 30, 2019. Our thanks to the following Chapters for their generosity President’s Circle ($5,000 -$9,999) Lancaster Chapter in memory of all their children, grandchildren and siblings Circle of Love ($2,500-$4,999) Nashville Chapter in memory of all their children, grandchildren and siblings Circle of Hope ($1,000-$2,499) Manhattan Chapter in memory of their children, grandchildren and siblings TCF of the Midcoast in memory of their children, grandchildren and siblings Circle of Caring ($500-$999) St. Paul Chapter in memory of the Children, Siblings and Grandchildren of the St. Paul Chapter of The Compassionate Friends TCF of the Rochester Area Chapter in memory of their children, grandchildren and siblings Circle of Friends ($50 - $199) Lakeland/Polk County Chapter in memory of their children, siblings and grandchildren Upper Cape TCF Chapter in memory of their children, grandchildren and siblings gone too soon (continued on page 32) We Need Not Walk Alone|3 1

(continued from page 31) George and Sharon Orff Holly and Ken Gawley Anonymous Donors Jamie Pumpelly in memory of Blake Andrew in memory of Diana M. The President’s Circle in memory of Jamie Alexandra Gawley (Maggio) Mueller ($5,000-$9,999) Grimsley Mark Gedlinske Anonymous Donor Janet Roman in memory of Justin Lee Clayton in memory of Jordyn Negron Amy and Jeffrey Hubert in honor of Gloria Vanderbilt Kathryn George William and Andrea Baker in memory of James Kyle Hubert John Santoro and Pamela in memory of Carlotta Buff in memory of Kelly Elizabeth Bennett-Santoro Wick Baker Christopher Levy in memory of Nora Michelle Scott Gerba Stuart Beeby Photography Travis and Karl Snepp in memory of Bob and Mary James Belanic Circle of Love ($2,500-$4,999) Karl Snepp Blanchard in memory of Katie Belanic in memory of Dave Snepp and Marissa Guzman Lesley Bogash Billings Flying Service Sue Snepp in memory of Dale Dullabaun in memory of Andy Winer Randie Walton III and Barbara Berci Other Mike and Heidi Brandon in memory of AJ Blain in memory of Michael Peter Shuhuei Henrickson in memory of Dave Snepp and Walton in memory of Geoffrey Jiang Hugh Brandon Fireman’s 5K Thompson Michelle Brannick in memory of Phillip Dean, Circle of Caring ($500-$999) Phil and Gloria Horsley in memory of Yeats Brannick Brian Collins, and the Fort in memory of Scott Preston Theresa Brown Worth Chapter children and Vincent and Wren Abramo Horsley in memory of Mickey Lynn, siblings in memory of Joseph Moorefield Chris and Lisa Kelley Mom, Gump, Kris, and Tracy Abramo in memory of Jeremy Michael Ross Bryan Evelyn Hua John and Mary Bell Kelley in memory of Becky Gleason in memory of Susan Elizabeth Kathy Kelso and Paul Soderstrom in memory of Isaac Thomas Do Bell in memory of Kevin T. Kelso Richard and Dee Cervi Danny and Libby Berry David Langer in memory of Kimberly Ann Zyloware Corporation in memory of Shaun Berry, in memory of Sarah Elizabeth Cervi Moret in memory of Gloria Vanderbilt Todd Christmas and Luke Langer Anita Chastain Hilton Michael Loboy Chuck and Kathy Collins Circle of Hope ($1,000-$2,499) City of Henderson, NV in memory of Haley Erin Loboy in memory of Tiffanie Amber Jim and Jan Clark Trisha Merriman Collins Roger and Marcia Alig in memory of Andrew James in memory of Chelsey Renee Richard V. Collins in memory of Daniel Pritchard Clark Pich in memory of Jessica JoLinn C. Alig John, Jackie, Joshua and Justin Donna Schuurman Collins Richard and Dianne Ammons Cleveland in memory of Lynne May Community Bank at in memory of Anne Ammons in memory of John T. Cleveland Cathy and Greg Seehuetter MetaBank All Markets Arch W. Shaw Foundation Jay and Lois Copeland in memory of Kristina “Nina” in memory of Taylor Goik Paul Barthel in memory of David Michael Westmoreland and Chris Amy and Rick Cooper in memory of Diana-Mei Copeland Seehuetter in memory of Jon Gottlieb Barthel CORE Robert and Maria L. Shaffer Vic Cross Victor R. and Theresa Del in memory of Gloria Vanderbilt in memory of Kelsey Ficks in memory of Trey Regno Samantha DiBella Marge Shapiro CustomInk LLC in memory of Andrew C. Del in memory of Aaron Joseph in memory of Peter Adam Levine Roy and Barbara Davies Regno DiBella Karen Snepp in memory of Roy and Taylor Benjamin and Barbara Mark Doctrow in memory of Dave Snepp Davies Denihan in memory of Gloria Vanderbilt Sara, David, and Blake Tagget Scott and Carol Davis Dale and Debbie Dullabaun Brian Donohue in memory of Katrina “Kara” in memory of Keith in memory of Dale Lee in memory of Jack Donohue Tagget Timothy Dillon Dullabaun, III Charlotte Drew Ric and Gigi Trentman in memory of Ian Christopher Mark Gedlinske in memory of Ella Hoelscher in memory of Cecilia Trentman Dillon in memory of Justin Lee Clayton Art and Carol Ehde Carole and Peter Dyck Erik Hoffmann and Nadezhda in memory of Pamela Ehde Lais Circle of Support ($200-$499) in memory of Christopher Peter Kavrus-Hoffmann Michele Fracasso Dyck in memory of Anders Hoffmann in memory of Mark R. Ancient Order of Hibernians, David Edelstein Brian Janes and Gay Kahler Fracasso, Jr. Fr. William Corby Division in memory of Brandon Edelstein in memory of Laura Michelle John and Sara Franco in memory of Kelly Elizabeth Dennis and Kathy Einck Travis and Nora Travis in memory of Tony Franco, Baker in memory of Brad, Brenda and Kathy Kenst Debbie Franco and Vana Anonymous Donor Brian Einck in memory of Tyler Kenst in memory of Dale Lee Baughnita Leary Dullabaun III in memory of Sanaa and Dacari Rosina Mensah and Dr. Kofi A. Mensah in memory of Kofi A. Mensah Jr. Deborah Lee Minor and Family in memory of Mackie Minor Donors from Network for Good 3 2 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Fionta, Inc. Stephen LaRock Susan Sammons John and Sharon Ahnert in memory of Ryan Matthew in memory of Jared LaRock in memory of Jared Sammons in memory of John F. Ahnert Trant Othe Jenny Lawing Clara Schkolnik Carol Alexander Helen H. Ford in memory of Matt Lawing in memory of Gerard Stewart in memory of Jessica Stebbius in memory of Thomas Stewart Cindy Leishear Schkolnik Henry Allen Ford Marie Levine Barbara Schrage in memory of Patricia June Gina Frieden in memory of Peter A. Levine in memory of Olivia Mary Allen David and Peggy Gibson Ryan Mathy Katherine Cerone Jerry and Sharon Allen in memory of Paige Gibson in memory of Kevin and Brian Jerry and Lynne Schwarzauer in memory of Lyn Marie Dorene Goryeb Zivilik in memory of Sara Leize The Allison Family in memory of Gregg T. Goryeb Gwen and Jerry Minkin Schwarzauer in memory of Chance Morgan Jeff and Sue Gray in memory of Jason Minkin SEK CPAs and Advisors - Allison in memory of Diana Mueller Tracey McCaghy Mosher Hanover and York Offices Melody and Scott Almond Daniel and Rosemary Dolan Inc. in memory of Baby Tucker in memory of Jacob Almond Haemmerle in memory of Taylor Goik Yvonne Shaw William and Dawn Anderson in memory of Janice Haemmerle Mike and Beverly McMurphy in memory of Gloria Vanderbilt in memory of Rachael Anderson Krumanaker and Stephen in memory of Robin Lynn Hank Sheer James Anderson Daniel Haemmerle McMurphy in memory of Erin Sheer in memory of Sterling Anderson Thomas Hammett Purple Lady/Barbara J. Allie Sims-Franklin Fenwick Anderson and Ellen in memory of Tiffanie Amber Meislin Fund Karen Snepp Ensel Collins in loving memory of Little Lady in memory of Dave Snepp and in memory of Lowell Ensel Edie and Pete Happe Lori and in memory of Anne parents, Sue and Karl Snepp Cathy and James Anderson in memory of Roberta Louise Ladd Nancy Stratton in memory of Sterling Anderson Happe Bridget Mulvenna in memory of James Stratton Joyce and Basil Andrews Jeffrey Hersh in memory of David Golz Other Veronica C. Stubbs in memory of James B. Wright, in memory of Ryan Christopher Deb and Jim Neuroth in memory of Darrin J. Stubbs, Beverly and Jeanne K. Wright Hersh in memory of Joshua Erb Jay A. Corbitt, Sean Stubbs, RJ Basil and Joyce Andrews Tim Hester, Sr. Krista North and Melman in memory of Karl and Sue in memory of Tim B. Hester, Jr. in memory of Reese Bowman Lou and Scott Tedrick Snepp Mike and Paula Holder Christopher Ongaro in memory of Bobby Brayer Linda Angelo in memory of Andrew “Drew” Sylvia Ossorio Margaret Trant in memory of Melanie Gehm Michael Holder in memory of Trinka Micol in memory of Ryan Mathew Joseph Annelli Heidi Horsley Baggetta Trant in memory of Yves Cubillos in memory of Scott Horsley Patricia Palmer Isla Tweten Anonymous Donors Patricia and Burt Hovander in memory of my daughter in memory of James Robert Anonymous Donor in memory of Elena Lydia Caitlyn Anne Salyers Tweten in memory of Derek L. Brown Hovander Aric and Alicia Petker Donors from the United Way Anonymous Donor Human Services Research in memory of Taylor Goik Steve VanRensselaer in memory of Vera Caltabiano Institute Ken and Sue Porizek Susan Wagner Anonymous in memory of Mary Anne Noble in memory of Jeffrey M. Porizek in memory of Wendy Hotrum in memory of Jason Glickman Robert Huntoon and John Joseph Porizek Tim and Diane Walsh Anonymous Donor Robin and Brett Jens Isabel Phillips and Peter Ramsey in memory of Jaron Brooke and in memory of Fergus Laidlaw in memory of Ty Jens in memory of Andrew Huyler Kyle VanderHoek Anonymous Donor Rachel Jones Ramsey Tricia Walsh in memory of Shelisha “Cece” in memory of Ryan Christopher Karin Quantrille in memory of Eddie Walsh Raynelle Manca Jones in memory of Bill, Eve and Arnie and Varda Wendroff Anonymous David Ferber and Dorothy Susan Smith in memory of Lauren Michelle in honor of Bill and Joan Jordon Stephen and Diane Reece Wendroff Manske in memory of Russell H. Ferber in memory of Andrea Dawn Tom Whitehead and Lynda Anonymous Donor Virginia Kessinger Reece Boucugnani-Whitehead in memory of Micah Moling in memory of Clint Kessinger Christopher Rice in memory of Maria-Victoria Anonymous Donor Amrik and Ann Khadalia in memory of Carlotta Norfleet Boucugnani in memory of Maria Webb in memory of Priya Khadalia Wick Anonymous Donor Stephen and Betty Koczan Norma Rollinger Circle of Friends ($50-$199) in support of helping people in memory of John Anthony in memory of Celeste Ann Debbie and Jeff Appell Koczan Kinney Paul and Nita Aasen in memory of Dale Dullabaun III Cindy Landry and family Phyllis, Larry and Greg in memory of Erik J. Aasen and in memory of Vaughn Landry Rosenthal David Aasen (continued on page 34) in memory of Scott Alan Charlotte Addington Rosenthal in memory of Mary Shawn We Need Not Walk Alone|3 3 Addington

(continued from page 33) Henry and Theresa Sandy and Marty Blake Paul Brustowicz Baranowski in memory of Taylor Goik in memory of Brian Brustowicz, Florence and Marv Arkans in memory of Rebecca “Becky” Judith Bohn Stefan Brustowicz and Kyle in memory of Seth Richard Baranowski in memory of Derrick Jason Brustowicz (Rick) Arkans Elizabeth Barbera Bohn Carol Buck and The IACI Ruth and Glenn Armes in memory of Jay Jimenez Patricia Bonman Board of Directors in memory of Steven Glenn Jack Barnes in memory of Jessica Johnston in memory of Patti Merkel Armes in memory of Eddie Barnes Sharon Borgerson Joanne Buckalew Beverly Armstrong Dan and Linda Barrett in memory of Evan Inho in memory of Stacy Buckalew in memory of Chrissy Lindquist, in memory of Taylor L. Goik Andrew Kim Taegon Borgerson Laura and Trey Bullard and Harry Lindquist and Becka Stephen Barron Melissa Bornstein Papa D Lindquist in memory of Adam Barron in memory of Timothy Richard in memory of Briellyn Bullard Gloria Arney Gail Bartley Herman Madelaine and George in memory of Dallas Arney in memory of John David Stacy Gordon Bosch Bullwinkel Susan Arnold Patricia Barwood David L. Boudreau in memory of Gisa Bullwinkel in memory of Blaize Curtis in memory of Kevin Allen in memory of Matthew Jim and Faye Bundy Mansur Barwood Boudreau in memory of David J. Bundy Judy Assalone Merle Bauer Michael Bourland Nancy and Jerry Burkhardt in memory of Vincent D. in memory of Heidi Lynn Bauer in memory of Steven Bourland in memory of Derek Burkhardt Assalone The Bauer Family Jim Bowie Thomas Burkhart Frank Attalla in memory of Christopher in memory of Thomas Pope in memory of Andrew R. in memory of Gabrielle Marie Suzanne Bauer Lauren Boyles Burkhart Attalla in memory of Danny Bauer in honor of Loretta Fuller Julia Burns Amanda Aubinoe Claude and Judy Beaudet Sheila and Leon Braunagel in memory of Sean Paul Burns in memory of Scot Huntington in memory of Ryan Beaudet in memory of Kirsten Braunagel Janine Busch Woytowicz Aubinoe John Beerman Marjorie Brewer in memory of Benjamin Virginia Aversano in memory of Theresa Beerman in memory of Douglas Brewer Matthew Busch in memory of Ryan Michael Karla Bell and Susan Brewer Lisa Cabe Aversano in memory of David Andrew Joyce Brischke in memory of Alex Cabe Peggie Avila Bell, Thomas Andrew Bell, and in memory of Lisa J. Brischke- Phyllis Calder in memory of Aaron M. Avila Melinda Sue Bell Rackowski and her son Cody in memory of C. Lynn Calder Gabriella Bacon Nancy Bell Jared Deborah and Charles Camp in memory of Giancarlo Bacon in memory of Matthew Leonard and Cynthia in memory of Charles (Joey) Sangetta Badlani Dennis and Andrea Benson Broderick Camp in memory of Nikhil Badlani in memory of Shane Lewis in memory of Jamie Jo Camp Hill SEK Edith Bailey Ricca Bent Broderick Fernandez in memory of Baby Tucker in memory of Gerry Baldwin in memory of Molly Amy and Mark Brokering Denise Campbell and Russell Baldwin Sweetpeaches Black in memory of Henry Frederick in memory of Marty Campbell Deanna and Chris Bailey Helen Beroff Brokering Jeffrey Campbell in memory of Solon and Liam in memory of Art Beroff Suzann Brouwer Donald Campbell Bailey Charles Berry in memory of Stacy Brouwer in memory of David Campbell Michael Bailey in memory of Ed Berry Brown Samuel Capizzi in memory of Matthew Mah Libby Berry Linda Brown in memory of Samuel Justin Edith Bailey in memory of Shaun Berry in memory of Brad Wildasin Capizzi in memory of Russell and Gerry CPT, Todd Christmas, and Luke James A. and Mary Jo Brown Virginia Capocci Baldwin Shaun Hilton in memory of Glenn Michael in memory of Murray Lynch Carole and Henry Bailey Bill Berry Brown Ralph Capozzi in memory of Matthew John in memory of Marc Berry Desiree Brown in memory of Michael V. Bailey Bruce Bertrand in memory of Donald A. Brown, Capozzi Earl and E. Renee Bailey in memory of Erica Reneé Olive A. Campbell, and Paul Michael Carlson in memory of Melissa Renee Bertrand and LCPL Bryan Pahl and Gino Fongkin in memory of Betty Stiegelmeyer Bailey Bertrand, U.S. Marine Inara Brubaker Pat Carlson Tim and Carole Baird Mary Ann C. Bevilacqua and in memory of Erika Jane and in memory of Betty Stiegelmeyer in memory of Austin Baird Christina E. Bevilacqua Andra Brubaker Richard Carlson Carole Baird in honor of Mary Anne Noble Lonny Bruce in memory of Wally and Betty in memory of Justin Baird Cynthia Bingham in memory of Sean Bruce Stiegelmeyer Robert and Susan Ballenger in memory of Kevin Mattson Errol Brudner Robert Carswell in memory of Ben Marian Black in memory of Jake Byrne Suzanne A. Cassel Dianne and Peter Ballesty in memory of Joanne and Emily in memory of Greg Cassel and in memory of Peter K. Ballesty Grunwald Alex Baranowski 3 4 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Caughman Harman Funeral Chuck and Kathy Collins Bill and Sandy de St. Aubin Paul and Clemence DuPont Home in memory of Bill Heaney in memory of Timmy de St. in memory of Christopher and in memory of Mary Alice Dyal John and Barbra Colombini Aubin Matthew Yotti Team Cavelliers in memory of Michael Edgar R. Del Castillo Ralph M. and Donna G. in memory of Sally Anna Colombini in memory of Edgar Mario Del Eastman Ottenhoff ~ Forever Sunshine Frances Colyer Castillo in memory of Ralph Michael Gary and Susan Chan in memory of David John Testo Jamye Dennis Tamara Eberlein and William in memory of Rachael Reneé Mary E. Comly in memory of Skyler Ray Lucas Garvey Chan Barbara Conklin David Kessler in memory of 1LT James Rekha Chandra William and Susie Conley in memory of Ella Marie Alexander Garvey in memory of Nayan Chandra in memory of Brian Conley Denniston Sue Ebersold Thatsaphone Chao Patricia Connell Debra Dermack in memory of Allie Jana Ayers in memory of Talen Anousone in memory of Matthew and in memory of Melissa Ditta John and Judith Ebert Chao Molly Connell Sandra and Jon Devermann in memory of Christine Ebert Anna and Ren Cherven Barnes & Thornburg LLP in memory of Matthew Ashcraft Bill and Julie Edgar in memory of Philip M. Cherven in memory of Diana M. Doris O’Reilly-Dillon in memory of Michael Edgar Renauld Cherven (Maggio) Mueller in memory of Heather Kathleen Donna Edmiston in memory of Philip Cherven Chris Cooper Dillon in memory of Paul D. Edmiston Virginia Chieco in memory of Cassidy Cooper Lindsay Dina and Monica L. Peck in memory of Nicholas Chieco Jay and Lois Copeland in memory of Jamey Dina Kristina Edmonds and John, Louis and James in memory of David Michael Jeff and Brigid DiPaolo in memory of Patricia Brindle Rinchiuso Copeland in memory of Clairee Elizibeth Williams Margaret Chitwood-Watkins Kathy D. Costigan DiPaolo Mr. and Mrs. Frank Edwards in memory of Clayton Lee Michael and Patricia Cotton Michael DiSciullo in memory of Alec Williams Chitwood and Matthew Lance in memory of Heather Cotton in memory of Yves Cubillos Ruth Eisen Chitwood James Crane Kelley Dixon in memory of Andrew Michael Barbara Chiulli Steve and Jean Cross in memory of Jonathan Thomas Eveloff in memory of Phillip Panetta in memory of Stacie Raé Cross Dixon Roxanne and Larry Ellis Barbara Christoff Elke Crow Jennifer Dixon in memory of Adam Duane Ellis in memory of Brian Michael Kathy and Tom Crowley in memory of Graham Dixon Tom and Elaine Emery Christoff in memory of Timmy Crowley Deryl A. Dobson in memory of Thomas John Ronald Christopher CT River Candles Kenneth Donatelli Emery in memory of Troy Christopher in support of Brenda Hunter in memory of Michael J. Nancy Endler Carol Cibulskis Christopher and Lois Curran Donatelli in memory of Richard Ryan in memory of Janet Marie in memory of Billy Payne Andre and Maria Dorval William Ermatinger Cibulskis Steve and Paige Czirr in memory of Baby Santiago in memory of Kathy Ermatinger Cari Clark in memory of Nora Travis Ferreira Rebecca Ertz in memory of Damon Tyler Martha and Joe D’Agostino Kathleen Dougherty in memory of M. Louise Rebecca Clark in memory of Liz Schermerhorn in memory of Vincent Gabriel Pearson in memory of Justin Clark and John and Loretta Dahmus Rivera and Andrew Tyler Rivera Bob and Karen Erwin Amanda Kwick Denny Danford Barbara and John Dower in memory of Jill Christine David Clayton in memory of Brian Danford in memory of Robert Dower Erwin in memory of Zach Clayton Kathleen Dangelo Laura Doxey Carmine Esposito Deb Clements in memory of Matthew and in memory of Alex Doxey in memory of Carmine Espoisto, III in memory of Darice Saint Christopher Yotti Betty Dubinin Patsy and Gene Essenmacher Clements Charlene Dankanyin in memory of Sara Elizabeth in memory of Megan Mr. and Mrs. Wyland D. Clift in memory of Todd Revells and Dubinin Essenmacher in memory of Santiago Ferreira David Dankanyin Geno Duhaime Fred and Janelle Etoch Bruce and Georgia Scott and Vicky Darrow in memory of Andrew Martin in memory of Evan Etoch Cockerham in memory of Greg Slevcove Duhaime and Michael Anthony Nicole Eup in memory of Zachary Owen Edith DaSilva Duhaime in memory of Gage Eup Ward in memory of Justin Anthony Steve and Suzanne Duhamel Jacob and Kelley Evans Mr. and Mrs. E.B. Coggins, Jr. DaSilva in memory of Danielle Suzanne in memory of Anthony James in memory of Elizabeth Rose Judy, David and Doug Leavens Duhamel Evans Coggins in memory of Andrew David Stephen and Dorothea Augie and Joanne Fabietti Margo and Irv Cohen Leavens Dunham in memory of Tom Fabietti in memory of Alex Cohen in memory of Brian Gregory Carole Fagan Irv Cohen Edith L. Davis Dunham and Linda Walker in memory of Blayze Broadus in memory of Jeggan Cole in memory of Janet Elaine Davis (continued on page 36) Sharon Dawson We Need Not Walk Alone|3 5 in memory of Kenny

(continued from page 35) Dr. Merrill and Norie Brittanie, Shannelle, Tianna, David B. Hendricks Gildersleeve Joshua, Noah, Mom, and in memory of David B. Frank and Kay Failla in memory of George Grammie Hendricks, II in memory of Emily and Lauren Maxine Gilson in memory of Challissah L’ecole Marion Hensley Failla in memory of Michael Halpert J. Mills in memory of Nichole Lee Ingrid and Andrew Fairbanks Timothy and Jennifer Cary Hagen Hensley in memory of Hunter Fairbanks in memory of their son Allen in memory of Hagen Jeffrey Keith Herman Ted and Stacey Farmer Thomas and Anne Glenn James in memory of Robert Herman in memory of Taylor Goik in memory of Lauren Glenn Chris, Pamela, Luke and Caleb Glen and Amy Herrick Mary Federwitz Peggy Glover Hagens in memory of Taylor Goik in memory of Adam Federwitz in memory of Jeri Glover in memory of Samuel Barbara Hinds Alysa and Eric Fields Barbara Godlewski Christopher Hagens in memory of Mark Whitehill in memory of Harley Fields Mary Goetz Carol Haggerty Allen Hire Antonia (Flipper) Filipiak in memory of Howie Goetz, III Doug and Anne Hajek in memory of David Hire in memory of Leon Harwood, II Lee Goforth in memory of Taylor Goik Charles Hitzeman Cathleen Fitzgerald in memory of Jackson Thomas Maria Halis in honor of Hitzeman Funeral in memory of David Fitzgerald Jennings in memory of Jason Richardson Home & Cremation Services Manny Flecker Rita Goldfarb Ann Hall Grief Support Group in memory of Norman Flecker in memory of Jeff Hawes in memory of Kyle Davis Maureen and Rik Hodges and Samantha Auerbach Noree Gomez Simonson in memory of Bryan Jeffrey Pam Fortener in memory of Laura and Katie Laurel Hallett Hodges in memory of daughter Melissa, Holtz in memory of Andrew Hallett Erik P. Hoffmann grandson JP, sister Sue, brother Donna and Ralph Goodrich The Hallis Parents and Family in memory of Anders Hoffmann Steve, son-law John in memory of Lauren Marshall in memory of Shayler “Shay” Eileen Hohorst Nancy Fortier and Garth Marshall Hallis in memory of Ed Carroll in memory of Jeffrey Brian Jennifer Goodward Rita Halpern Sally and Ed Holden Fortier in support of the Kerékjártó in memory of Peter P. Halpern in honor of Jack Holden Roger Foster Family Phil and Deb Hammel Sharon Holeman in memory of Mark Jason Foster Douglas Gordon in memory of Jeremy Philip in memory of Monica Y. Averil E. Fraser in memory of Gary Lee Gordon Hammel Holeman in memory of Errol L.C. Fraser, Judy Gorham Frank and Janet Hanig Anne Holihan of Region #19 Jr. in memory of Darrell Gorham in memory of Adam Hanig Probate Court William J. Fry George Govatos Barbara and Michael Hanley in memory of Baby Santiago in memory of Christopher Read in memory of Laura Govatos in memory of Michael Joseph “Santi” Candeias-Ferreira Fry Pamela and David Graham Hanley Dave and Kelly Hollister Stephanie L. Fuller in memory of Evan Lloyd Teri Hansen in memory of Leighton Williams in memory of Robin Nicole Graham in memory of Anna Paulson Lynda Holman Troupe Ruth Graham Mildred and John Harder in memory of Richard Holman Larry and Paula Funk in memory of Mary Graham in memory of Kristin Alana John Holsan in memory of Macavan A. Baird Vanessa Grant Harder in memory of Taylor Goik John Gahagan in memory of Franklin Whitney Hari Om Kamdar Foundation William Hoppe in memory of Sean Gahagan Goldwire, Jr. Johnny and Sally Harper Freya A. Horne Kym and Rich Gaissl Deborah Gray in memory of Lisa Longshore in memory of Jesse Baker in memory of Jason R. Arcaro in memory of Jason Rohman Scott Kurt and Diane Horning Michael Galleher Carol Gray Cole Judith Harris in memory of Matthew D. in memory of Adam Davis in memory of Adam Scott Cole in memory of Matthew Harris Horning Galleher Richard and Orchid Griffin Ornstein Marie Horowitz Maureen Ganner in memory of Thomas R. Griffin Claire Harrison in memory of James Schenck in memory of Robert Philip and Cathleen Grzanich in memory of Michael Raymond Gay N. Horton Michael Alan Schlueter in memory of Claire Therese Harrison in memory of Daniel Andrew Martha Garcia Grzanich Dr. Sally O. Hastings Anderson in memory of Pierce Claire T. Guilmette in memory of Evan Coralee Howard Mark Gedlinske in memory of Jason T. Lukas Haynes in memory of Clinton Michael in memory of Sophie Gray Guilmette, David R. Dumais, in memory of Ana Lucia Haynes Jones Griffin Jr., and Zachary J. Tieman Duane Hegna Pat Hufford Mark Gedlinske Hallie Guzal in memory of Jon Hegna in memory of Yancy Derek in memory of Michelle Drake in memory of Taylor Goik Gary Helfman Hufford David and Peggy Gibson in memory of Ryan Helfman Barbara Humbert in memory of Karl and Sue Katherine Henderson in memory of Sean Christopher Snepp McDonald 3 6 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Nancy and John Humphrey Steven and Lucy Johs Ellen and Tom Komadina Martha Leavitt in memory of Earl M. Rupert in memory of Nicholas C. Johs in memory of Ann Michelle in memory of Carl Wayne Robin Hurdle Lisa Jones Komadina Leavitt and Michael Wesley in memory of Noah in memory of Jennifer Lynn and Leanne R. Konawalik Leavitt Daniel Hushon Jennifer Ann Naia in memory of Ryne Matthew Pam LeBlanc in memory of David Knox Paul and Carolyn Jones Konawalik in memory of Lauren LeBlanc Martha S. Hutchinson in memory of Daniel Jerry Jones Josie Konzem Arnold and Kristin Lee in memory of Vernon Ray David and Susan Jones in memory of Michelle Konzem in memory of Scott Lee Hutchinson in memory of Eric Allen Jones Colleen Koontz Douglas Lee Deborah Imlay Fayth Jorgensen in memory of Angie Vitas in memory of Gregory Thomas in memory of Seth Michael in memory of Bruce Jorgensen Gloria Kopec Campe Lee Imlay and Janice Jorgensen in memory of Joshua Esformes Eleanor Lemann Judy Immel Lella and Anthony Kakis and Sean Campe Irving Leon in memory of David Immel in memory of Anna Maria Debra Kraal Bob Lesko Jean and Jerry Irving Kakis in memory of Austin Kraal in memory of Stefanie Lesko in memory of Kara Lynne Irving Jan Kameros Jim and Marg Kuchenreuther Dolores Leszczak Sue and Rick Ivey in memory of Cathy Bradway in memory of David M. in memory of Jacob Marosi, in memory of Esther Keeling Robert Kaplan Kuchenreuther and Cindy Lou Debie Marosi, and John Cathy Jacob in memory of Alison Ruth Kuchenreuther Leszczak, Jr. in memory of Sophia Vazquez Kaplan William Kuehn Marie Levine Robert and Lynn Jacobs Jessica Kasten in memory of Timothy A. in memory of Irma Fire in memory of Brenda Marie in memory of Kylie Isabella Kuehn Laura Lou Levy and Matthew Jacobs Marilyn Kastner Kathryn, Adie and Mark Utterback Lee Jacobson in memory of Adam Kastner Kurtz in memory of Eli Levy in memory of Henry Anthony Joel Kaufman in memory of Michael B. Kurtz Utterback Badillo in memory of Joshua Michael Michelle Kvech Cheryl Lichtenthal James Island Dental Assoc. Wald in memory of Tommy Kvech in memory of Jared Lichtenthal in memory of Sweet Angel of Stephen and Elizabeth Kaye J. L. Dina Lindsay Rob Wilson and Elisa Alverson in memory of Evan George Rea in memory of Baby Hughes in memory of Jamey Dina James Island Dental Assoc. Jim and Elaine Kazakoff Tony and Kerri Laird Jeanne Linn in memory of Cayden Segle in memory of William Louie in memory of Briana J. in memory of Bryan Linn and Michael Jarrett Quong Springman Stan Linn in memory of Michael Jarrett Jr. Ron Keller Lorrena Laird Cricket Lohr Sarah and Bruce Jayne in memory of Ryan Keller and in memory of Linda Laird in memory of her son in memory of Joy (Deaver) Michelle Keller Knapp Rich Lownes Capps Susan Kent Bernie and Patrice LaLonde in memory of Michael Tecosky Suzanne Jeffery in memory of Thomas Anthony in memory of Ryon LaLonda Jack and Nora Luftman in memory of Benjamin Jeffery Anderson Helen and Mike Lambert in memory of Hannah Eve “Bent” Kathy Kerdus in memory of Caroline Lambert Luftman Megan Jennings in memory of Erin Elizabeth Barbara J. Landman Stephen Lukes in memory of Remington Dickman in memory of Jeanne Marie in memory of McKinley Lukes Ploesch David and Ruth Keyser Landman LuLaRoe Sparkles of Hope April Jensen and Family in memory of Daniel R. Keyser Victoria Lane Fundraising Team in memory of Brianna Ann Judy Kincaid in memory of Brett Lane Judy Lund Titterington in memory of Kelsey Ann Lutes Bob and Mary Lane in memory of Courtney Ann Barbara Johnson Priscilla McGuire King in memory of Amanda Lane- Moyer in memory of Sandra Johnson in memory of Donnelly Houston Gasser Jerry and Joni Lund Michele and Steve Johnson (Donny) Moore Terry Lange in memory of Devin Lund in memory of Lindsay Marie Donald King in memory of Scott Lange Lorie Lundblad Johnson Heather Kleiner P. Sonja Larson in memory of Brian William Sandy and Jim Johnson in memory of Greta Kleiner in memory of Gloria Larson Summerson in memory of Mark Johnson Robert Knetl Jenny Lawing Lila and John Lynch Barbara Lee Johnson in memory of Brad Knetl in memory of Matt Lawing in memory of Justin “Jay” Janz in memory of Robert J. Yates Mike and Mary Knipper Keisha Lawrence Linda Mackowiak Mark Johnson in memory of Andrew T. in memory of Robert Lawrence in memory of Isla Corso in memory of Matthew Wallis Knipper (Robbie) Fujiwara Johnson Cheryl Koehler Jan Lazier Rick & Montse Madden Jeff and Peggi Johnson in memory of J. Brad Smith and in memory of Darrin Lee in memory of Tyler Stanley in memory of Jordan McLeod Samuel Culpepper Bullard and Shane David Lazier Johnson (continued on page 38) We Need Not Walk Alone|3 7

(continued from page 37) Claire McCoy Karin and Larry Mills Marianne and Bill O’Connor in memory of Amy Sturgill in memory of Asher Kenneth in memory of Kelly Ann Mike and Dianne Magrone Susan McDaniel Mills O’Connor in memory of Marc D. Magrone in memory of Chad Wilkinson June Mishcon Mom, Dad, and sister, Marsha and Dennie Mah Judy McDonald in memory of Harrison Andrew Christine forever in our hearts in memory of Matthew in memory of Darren Kyle Kleinfeld in memory of Mike O’Donnell Hammond Mah McDonald Richard and Rena Mitchell Patricia Oppenheim Robert Malkowski Jeff McGranahan in memory of Austin Pittcock in memory of Elena Lydia in memory of Tom Malkowski in memory of Ian Alexander Edward Morawetz Hovander Stephen Malley McGranahan in memory of Chris Morawetz Jim and Nancy O’Rilley in memory of Kevin William Patricia McGuigan David and Donna Morrell in memory of Taylor L. Goik Malley in memory of Joshua David in memory of Matthew Morrell Merlin and Betty Oswald Diane R. Maltby Ostapowicz and Natilie Sanchez in memory of Tessie Jo Oswald in memory of Scott Kane Maltby Jeff McKenna Alice Morris Harris Mandan Varsity Softball Team in memory of Tracy Mckenna in memory of Joe Shafer and Rick and Ingrid Otter in memory of Anders Paul Claude A. McKibben, Jr. Brian Shafer in memory of Ricky Otter Jungling in memory of Corey A. Linda J. Morris-Helsel Sally Owen Ben and Donna Manderachi McKibben in memory of John Finley in memory of Becca Owen in memory of James Kim McMann Morris Mary Anne Owens Manderachi in honor of Baby Elias Richard and Moana in memory of Mary Kay Owens Michael Mansfield Donna McMillan in memory of Chris Mosby and her Dad in memory of Bill Heaney in memory of Travis McMillan Patricia Muehl Carole Pacheco Abigail Rachel Marder Brian and Ryan McMorran Morgan Munoz in memory of Rich Pacheco and in memory of Abigail Rachel in memory of Katie and Kari in memory of Zach Larson Joe Pacheco Marder Kay McNeil Elizabeth Munoz Elaine and Paul Palizzolo Dominic Mark in memory of her son, Ryan in memory of Zachary Larson in memory of Paul R. Palizzolo, Jr. in memory of Alena Rose Mark McNeil Michele and Babe Muro Dolores Palmer Sheldon Markel Margaret McQuaid in memory of Lori Singer in memory of James Robert in memory of Stephen I. Markel in memory of Joann Morse Kevin Murray Palmer Dolores Markham Philip McQuaid in memory of Bill Churchill Cookie and Sal Parisi in memory of Tiffany Markham in memory of Mike McQuaid Tina and Peter Murray in memory of Jennifer Marie and John Markham Kathleen Meagher in memory of Patrice Lekas, Parisi JoAnn Marlette Aida Melamed Kassia Gallo-Smith, and Paul Mitzi Parke in memory of Andy Marlette in memory of Steven Melamed Murray in memory of Allen Hugh Parke Carol Martin Anne Mell Betty Nelson Marlin Parrott in memory of Daniel Martin in memory of Nancy Bodenstein in memory of Mark Stephen in memory of Rick Hunger Jerry Martin Deborah Mengarelli Nelson L.W. and Carolyn Parson in memory of Emily Elizabeth in honor of Jende Jane Bridges Richard Newman in memory of Nathan Parson Martin Teri Meredith in memory of Arielle Lynn Shirley Partee Patrick Massett in memory of William Heaney Newman in memory of Wendell Partee in memory of Kimberly Grace Susan Meyer Matt and Lisa Niesluchowski Barbara Patterson Massett in memory of Jordan Aaron Cox in memory of Taylor Goik in memory of Bryan Patterson Mary Masters Michigan Bankers Association Sue and Frank Nisenfeld Mary Pattison in memory of William Soares in memory of Taylor L. Goik in memory of Andrew David in memory of Larry Pattison Mark Matheson Kerry Miles Nisenfeld Rann Paynter in memory of Taylor Goik in memory of Baby LeVancier Charles and Etta Nissman in memory of Taylor Goik Gary Matlock Rich Millard in memory of Jeff Nissman Daniel Pearson in memory of Galen Matlock in memory of John Richard John H. Noble, Jr. in memory of Justin Pearson Mary Anne Mattero Millard in memory of Mary Anne Noble Terri Peck in memory of Joseph and Peter Robert Millares Paul Nowaczek in memory of Robert Wade Mattero in memory of Sophia Vazquez in memory of Erin Ann Urban Tom Mattson Emma and Melvin Miller Nowaczek Roberta Pek in memory of Erin M. Mattson in memory of Joey Miller Michael and Mary Jo in honor of the Wedding of and Kevin T. Mattson Camilla Miller Nowobilski Amy Chowansky to Christopher Steve, Beth and Family in memory of Timothy Turner in memory of Michael Ongaro McCaghy and Marlin Polen Nowobilski, Jr. in memory of Taylor Goik Terri Miller Diana Obrokta Peter Pellerito LaSalle County State’s in memory of Jordan Alexandar in memory of Olivia Claire Attorney’s Office Moore Obrokta in memory of Annemarie in memory of Amanda Gapinski Pellerito 3 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone Maureen Perlette in memory of Jill Perlette

The Perrin Family James Recker Lisa S. Ross Cathy and Mike Seckington in memory of Eric Perrin in memory of Taylor Goik in memory of Howell Stone in memory of Kaitlynn Jean Dick and Roberta Perry Mary Reddy Lauren Rossi Seckington in memory of Lillian A. in memory of John Silva in memory of Michael Vincent Cathy Seehuetter McFetridge Stephen Reed Sage in honor of Carol and Ralph Connie Peterman in memory of Ryan Reed and Julie S. Rowlette Bauman in memory of Kenneth Ruiter Jeremy Smith in memory of Millard Rowlette Cathy Seehuetter Shirley and Leonard Peters Greg and Elisabeth Reed Marv and Ann Rubin in memory of Karl Snepp in memory of Mari Peters Prill in memory of Kevin Michael in memory of Robert E. Dahmen Leslie Segi Bill Peters Reed Milton Rubinstein in memory of Alan Michael in memory of Scott Peters Rebecca Reese in memory of Kevin Rubinstein Williams Patty Peterson Thomas Regan Lucretia Ruff Stewart and Joan Senator in memory of Scott Barry in memory of Brian A. Regan Jill and Bob Runke in memory of Stephen Eric Peterson JoAnne (Mom) and Chris in memory of Amanda Runke Senator Sherida Peterson (Brother) Foote Lorna Russell Sherry Setty in memory of Timothy Tribbett in honor of Emily “Em-Kat” in memory of Jake Pavao in memory of Melissa Ann Lisa and Dan Peterson Elizabeth Foote Tom and Karen Rutherford Hinkley in memory of Daniel John Richmond Virginia Verizon in memory of Taylor Goik Lenor Shahid Ramirez Sales Team Marlene Rybicki in memory of Khalid M. Shahid Dorothy Petras in memory of Patricia Williams in memory of Eric Rybicki Daniel and Lynne Sharp in memory of Teresa Vivian John Richards Victoria Salituro in memory of Caroline Lois Petras in memory of Daniel Joseph in memory of Joseph Salituro Sharp JoAnn Phillips Richards Brian Sanoshy Norman and Rose Sharp in memory of James L. Lee and Debi Richardson in memory of Alexis Sanoshy in memory of Diana Rose Sharp Vandewater IV in memory of Brian Richardson David Sarafin Clifford Shatz JoAnne Pizzi Lori Riegel in memory of Andrew Haussler in memory of Rose Block Shatz in memory of Keith DeLollis, in memory of Diane Comin Donna and John Sasenick Patrick Sheahan son of Deborah and Rich Tamara Riggs in memory of Scott in memory of Michael Sheahan, DeLollis in memory of Taylor Goik Karen Saullo Andrew Roelke and Michael Amy Punkett Sherrill Rigney in memory of Christopher Roelke in support of Andrea Krakora in memory of Michelle Rigney Michael Saullo Greg and Barb Sheehy Joseph and Lynn Pokrifka Dick Riley Sharon Scesa in memory of Todd Seth Ellen Posner in memory of Dick, Jr. Riley, in memory of Kyle Scesa David and Diana Shelton in memory of Lauren Eileen Scott Riley, and Todd Riley Robin and Bernadette in memory of Mindy Lea Green Cheryl Rinda Schendel Shelton Lori Power in memory of David C. Bill in memory of Ashley Schendel Bashar Shihabuddin Shirley Pruitt Rosemary and Roger A. Rivers Steve and Ann Schmidt Diane Shihady in memory of Gary C. Pruitt in memory of Gregory Scott in memory of Betty Stiegelmeyer in memory of Mark Shihady Dennis and Christine Puricelli Rivers Jennifer Schneider Linda Shively in memory of Emilie Puricelli Jeff Roberts in memory of Jessica Grace in memory of Jessica Irene Charlotte Quaintance in memory of Karl Snepp Wing Fernandes in memory of Ross Quaintance Nancy Roberts Wendy J. Schriber Philip and Martha Sieck Nancy Quinn in memory Craig, son of Sara Carl Schumacher in memory of Lauren Virginia in memory of Jimmy Winikates Silvey Norm and Vickie Schuring Sieck Susan Quinn Jennifer Roberts in memory of Michael J. Carol Silverman in memory of Daniel S. Quinn in memory of Karl Snepp Schuring in memory of Marc Sandy Judith W. Quinn Steve Roberts Matthew Schwark Goldsmith in memory of Christopher in memory of Kelsey Marie in memory of Scott Schwark Ronnie and Lisa Simmons Quinn Roberts Patty and David Schwartz in memory of Tessa Ann Deborah Radler Jane Robinson in memory of Andrew J. Simmons in memory of Patrick Radler in memory of Richard Douglas Schwartz Ralph and Mary Ann Simon Susan Rapp Robinson James Schwarz in memory of Sean Emmett in memory of Eric R. Lawton Katherine Rodgers in memory of Dale Robert Simon Carol Raymond in memory of Jesse Rodgers Schwarz Walter Simpson in memory of Geoffrey Rau and Roseann Rodriguez Sue Sciro Ruth Sines Phillip Rau in memory of her brother Joe in memory of Joseph Longo in memory of Joshua Sines Julia Rebert Henry Rollins Daniel and Joan Scott Susan Skillman in memory of Drew Elliot in memory of Daniel Rollins in memory of Daniel J. Scott in memory of Alma Boka Parrish David and Barbara Rosner Ed Scully in memory of David Rosner in memory of Tim Scully (continued on page 41) We Need Not Walk Alone|3 9

© StratfordProductions /stock.adobe.com The Impact of Touch - Remembering a Dreamer by Pamela Hagens, Samuel’s Mom The impact of a touch heart-felt lives on through memories The voice of a man is not silenced when he can no longer be heard with the natural ear The spirit of a man does not die when he is laid to rest The experiences of a man are not minimized when time moves forward His contributions are not forgotten when they are told to a new generation For it is the impact of his touch that warms our heart For it is his footprints on our life that are never erased The memory of his message that gives us courage The years of his wisdom that gives us strength The celebration of his life that brings us joy The distance he travelled that gives us room to fly The hope of his dreams that gives us opportunity to excel For it is the impact of his touch 4 0 |We Need Not Walk Alone

TCF Board of Directors (continued from page 40) Sharon Stone in memory of Andrew Maheney Debbie Dullabaun David Dieterle Shirley Skinn Donald E. Stone President in memory of Abe Al-Omari George and Ora Stoner Bloomfield Hills, MI Carol Ann Smail in memory of Dale Lee Northridge, CA in memory of Joseph D’Auben Dullabaun, III Allie Franklin Joan Brinkley Smith Lamae Stout Cindy Tart in memory of Wykeham Scott in memory of Jared Stout Vice President/Sibling Federal Way, WA Smith Wynne Stovall-Johnson Linda R. and Donald R. Smith in memory of my brother David Representative Brian Janes in memory of Jessica Jo Smith B. Stovall Hodges Smith Peggy and Lewis Strader Fayetteville, NC Olathe, KS in memory of Tyler Leger in memory of Christopher Lewis Brenda Smith Strader Anne Castaldo Cindy Landry in memory of Adam Duane Smith Nancy Stratton Treasurer Russell A. Smith, Sr. in memory of James Stratton and Baton Rouge, LA in memory of Morgan Kristen Jared Andrade Monroe, CT Smith Kuhaida Mildred Sudarsky Steve Parker Daryl Smith in memory of Donna Sudarsky Theresa Iervolino in memory of Finell White, Henry Mark Sundeen Secretary Woodland Hills, CA Rhodes and Alberta Hart in memory of Silver Brant Anne and James Snively Sundeen Centereach, NY Tricia Scherer in memory of Jacob Fred Sutton Mark Snyder in memory of Jim Sutton Manvel, TX Michael Snyder Nancy Swart and Ron Rachesky in memory of Daniel Patrick in memory of Eric Swart Rachesky Steve Czirr Donna Schuurman Snyder and Jimi Mikusi Jerome Sonnabend Kathy and Doug Swartz Spring Hill, TN Portland, OR in memory of Leslie Ann in memory of Taylor Goik Sonnabend David and Kay Swartzendruber Roy Davies Roberta Spencer in memory of Sara Kay in memory of Dr. Robert F. Jack and Jan Talkington dGreenbrier, TN Spencer in memory of Taylor Goik TCF Staff Don and Lue Splittorff Jacqueline Taylor in memory of Brandon K. in memory of Christine Easton Cathy Seehuetter Splittorff Taylor Director of Online Services Gene and Rose Marie Sprando Scott and Barbara Taylor in memory of Richard T. Sprando in honor of Tiffanie Collins Sara Zeigler and Rebecca A. Sprando Alisa Taylor Communications Coordinator Lee and Jean Spratt in memory of Alex Krestensen Georgianna Starz Taylor Joan Ireland in memory of Christopher Starz Mike and Bonnie Tennyson Administrative Assistant Kenneth Staszak Kay and David Thomas in memory of Scott Staszak in memory of Sammy Joseph Correspondence for The Compassionate Friends Staff Somerset Capital Group Thomas should be sent to: in memory of Taylor Goik Anna Thompson Mom, Dad, Keagan and Ashlee Debra Thompson The Compassionate Friends in memory of Dylan Edward in memory of Taylor Goik PO Box 3696 Creelman Jerolyn H. Thompson Gwen Stetson in memory of Marilyn Elaine Oak Brook, IL 60522 in memory of Tyler Stetson Thompson 877.969.0010 Terry Stevig Bertilla Thompson in memory of David Andrew in memory of Aaron Jack © viperagp/fotolia.com Stevig Thompson David Stewart Robert and Irene Thornton in memory of Timothy Paul in memory of Patrick Shinoda Stewart Thornton Greg Stewart in memory of John Protiva (continued on page 42) We Need Not Walk Alone|4 1

(continued from page 40) Mary Lou Wagstaff Richard Weller Kevin and Ann Williams in memory of Sarah Margaret in memory of Stephen Richard in memory of Matthew JeeYul Elaine M. Timbers Wagstaff Weller Williams in memory of Christopher and Gary and Peggy Waldron Martha West JSue Williams Brendan Timbers in memory of Joy Deaver Capps in memory of Andrew West in memory of Bernard Williams Pat Timpanaro Karen Wallace Sheryl and Stanley Westerman Donna Willis in memory of Jeff Timpanaro in memory of Alma Boka in memory of Darren Craig in memory of Jeffrey Willis and Diane Tobin Donny and Megan Wallenfang Westerman Jared Willis in memory of Pamela Roberson in memory of Paul Glenn Jerry and Carolyn Wheaton Lynn and Jim Winikates Janice Toney Dobbins, Jr. in memory of Matthew in memory of James Louis in memory of Isaac Marcelo Molly and Bob Walsh Wheaton Winikates Toney in memory of Andrew Walter and Patricia White Renee Wogaman Karen Torres Richard Walter in memory of Aaron White, in memory of John Paul Estrada in memory of Amanda in memory of Donnie Walter Randy White, Danielle Rischke- Karen Wolf Elizabeth Torres Wantman Group, Inc. White in memory of Brad Wolf David and Connie Truelsch in memory of Branwen Santos Camille White Sandra Wood in memory of Rebecca Truelsch Steve and Jane Watson in memory of Hugh A. White, Jr. in memory of Bruce Wood and George Truesdale in memory of Jordan and Ron Liza Wick Kelly Fitzpatrick in memory of Scott Truesdale Cox (Son and Father) in memory of Carlotta Buff Muriel Woodburn Richard P. Umbel, Jr. Sue Weatherford Norfleet Wick in memory of Troy A. Thomas in memory of Brooke Tennyson in memory of Kris Weatherford Diane Wicks and Debra Rudd Umbel Matt and Trish Webb in memory of Wendy and Scott David and Pam Worl Sarah Vallaro in memory of Tanner Webb Wicks in memory of Todd Worl in memory of Damon Vallaro Maria Weese The Wild Cow, LLC Gary Yanka Paul and Lucille Valliere in memory of Gregory William on behalf of Zach Allen Cindy and Rick Yotti in memory of Christopher Davis David, Jacki and James Olive, in memory of Christopher and Valliere Susan Weingarten Willard & Olive Matthew Yotti Doris E. Van Meter in memory of friends son, in memory of Kristina Eileen Ashley Younger in memory of Dale Van Meter Matthew Braniff Lorentson Rev. Richard E. Zajac Karen VanCleve Fred Weisgerber Katherine Willetts in memory of Julie Zajac in memory of Eric Clark in memory of Rebecca Millard in memory of Gabriel Willetts Anthony J. Zalesky VanCleve Stan and Joan Weiss and Roy Willetts in memory of Maxwell Zalesky Regina VanDyke in memory of Jonathan P. Weiss Gregg and Jill Williams Barbara Zinman in memory of Patricia J. Merkel Gloria Weiss in memory of Morgan Leigh in memory of Alison Nivia Vázquez in memory of Jan Mervis Williams Weingarten in memory of Jose’ Francisco Drs. Richard and Margo Weiss Thomas and JoAnn Williams M.J. Zonfrillo “Yoito” Barreto in memory of Brian Weiss Nancy Williams in memory of Michael A. V. Robert and Mary Vitolins Rudolph and Melinda in memory of Gregory Williams Zonfrillo III in memory of Laura M. Vitolins Weissberg and Jeffrey Williams Clare and Clifford Vogt in memory of Rudolph Louis in memory of Karl M. Snepp, Jr. Weissberg RJ and Susan Wagner in memory of Ryder and Levi © Chris/stock.adobe.com We Need Not Walk Alone To have material considered for publication, send to: [email protected] Editor Cathy Seehuetter Designer Sara Zeigler Copyright © 2019 The Compassionate Friends, Inc. All rights reserved. We encourage the reprinting of individual articles, unless specified “one time only,” but ask that proper credit be given to We Need Not Walk Alone. This magazine is not to be reproduced for distribution without written permission from The Compassionate Friends, Inc. 4 2 |We Need Not Walk Alone

Seven Grief Strategies for the New Year by Brad Stetson The old saying is true: “If there is an elephant in the room, pen in valuable “self-time.” The simple act of reserving time introduce him.” No good purpose is served by denial, yet for yourself empowers you to breathe and reflect as the we are very good at it. And when it comes to facing the pain New Year unfolds. Appointments like “movie with me” or of our grief with eyes open, we often turn away instead. “journaling with me” make it possible for you to always tell But when we have a psychological elephant in the room of others, when asked to go somewhere or do something, “Let our mind, we should acknowledge him, and plan a way to me check my calendar, I may have an appointment.” This shrink him down to a manageable size then get him on his way you can decline in a socially graceful way. If you want way. If we’ve had a loss recently, the new year provides a to accept someone’s invitation, you can always break an good opportunity for us to be honest about the pain of our appointment with yourself. grief, and resolve in the months to come to be proactive and do the necessary grief work to begin addressing the 3. Move your body, move your mind. elephant in the room. As you adjust to your life without the physical presence of your loved one who died, it’s vital you get outside and move. Notice, 1. Write yourself a comforting and encouraging letter. I didn’t say, “exercise,” since for some people that may sound Imagine you had a friend for whom you cared deeply, and daunting. There is no need to make it a big undertaking. Pick imagine that friend just experienced the death of someone short, achievable goals, like a short hike, a walk around the they love very much. You would want to help them, comfort block, a bike ride to the park. Keep these jaunts short, as this them and encourage them. Now substitute yourself for that will give you a sense of accomplishment, and you will derive friend. You are worthy of being comforted and encouraged, the physical and psychological benefits of having enlisted your too. Write yourself a letter saying the same things you would body in your ongoing encounter with grief. say to a good friend. Then, read the letter, put it away for a few days, then read it again. Do this for a few months and 4. Realize that you do not need to “understand” your grief then write yourself a second letter, and so on. This is an act right now. of self-compassion, treating yourself as gently as you would When I coached Little League, I established the One Minute treat someone else. Avoid thinking you are so ‘strong’ or Rule. It was this: If anyone gets hit by a baseball, whatever ‘solid’ that you don’t need help and tender compassion. That the person hit by the ball says for the first minute after being is a misunderstanding of strength and personal fortitude. hit is OK. Screaming and accusations were common after Feeling intense sorrow and bereavement is not a sign of being hit by the baseball, but everyone knew that you got a weakness; to the contrary, it is a sign of deep humanity and free pass for a minute. And they knew that after a minute personal capacity to love. the person had to be ready to move on. Well, bereaved people get a lot longer than a minute, or a month, or a year, 2. Buy a big calendar, and use it. to integrate their experience into the rest of their outlook One problem bereaved people face is the feeling that one on life. So don’t feel anxiety about fully grasping what has day drags into the next, always the same. Grieving people happened to you. Time will help clear your mind, and you also sometimes are pressured by well-meaning people will eventually be able to address your loss, the pain it has into doing activities they really don’t want to do. An brought you, and the changes in your life that have ensued. ‘appointment calendar’ can solve both of those problems. Large calendars, like a desk calendar, give you room to 5. Decide that in the New Year, you will begin to focus a bit write. As the New Year begins, sit down with the calendar, more on others, as a part of your loved one’s legacy. and start filling your days with appointments. This is a valuable change you can make in your life. We all need to get out of ourselves and focus on other people Appointments with whom? Most importantly, with yourself. and their problems. Sometimes, this helps us gain a fresh Without taking yourself out of social circulation, you can We Need Not Walk Alone|4 3

perspective on our own life. As you do this, you will no your loved one would want for you to attain as you move doubt talk with new people, and when the opportunity forward without them. For example, my husband would presents itself tell them about your loved one who has died. want me to look toward the future, and not be paralyzed You don’t have to tell your loved one’s life story or anything by mourning. Or, my sister would want me to buy those like that, just mention them in passing. You may feel more expensive boots we used to talk about. Then, choose one of comfortable talking about your loved one with people who those outcomes and pursue it. Look back at your list after didn’t know him or her, and it is valuable to begin to talk a few months, and check off the outlook or object you now out loud-in the past tense-about your loved one. It may be have. Deliberately choose to achieve something your loved shocking to hear yourself talk about them in the past tense, one would want you to have in this New Year. By doing so, but it will help you integrate their death into your life. you will honor their memory. So often we think of grief as something that happens to 6. Listen to the music. us, instead of something we do. This is unfortunate, since A recent study I saw asserted that sad people who listen to passivity and inaction will not help us to engage the new their favorite music that matches their mood report feeling reality of loss in our lives. This is not to say that grief is a better. Music is therapeutic and soothing. Throughout “problem” we can solve, or a “condition” we can make go history, music has been central to the expression of human away, but it is to say that we can be active participants in our values and sentiments. Make a short list of some songs emotional well being. By purposefully facing our sorrow, of different types that you have always liked. Then go to and calmly, carefully thinking about what we can do to help youtube.com and listen to them or order them online. If integrate our sorrow into our larger life, we can contribute you are not accustomed to doing that on a computer, ask a to forging our new identity. And this is a powerful choice to friend to do it for you. Just get the music playing so you can make as a New Year and our new lives dawn. listen. As you do, let your mind take you where it will, and after a while I’ll bet you’ll feel relaxed and even renewed. Reprinted with permission from the Grief Digest Magazine Volume 12, Issue 1 7. Wishing you well. As the New Year begins, write down what your loved one Brad Stetson, Ph.D.: Brad Stetson is author of Tender Fingerprints: A True would want for you in the New Year. Trouble imagining Story of Loss and Resolution and Living Victims, Stolen Lives: Parents of what that might be? It’s probably the same you would wish Murdered Children Speak to America. He’s written widely on various social for your loved one, had you been the one that died. Make topics and on the psychology of grief. He is a funeral officiant in Southern a list of a few states of mind, attitudes or commodities that California. www.bradstetson.com © Urupong/stock.adobe.com