AA girl

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WE OPEN ON A NEIGHBOURHOOD STREET BUSTLING WITH MORNING TRAFFIC AND PEDESTRIANS. A SHINY WINDOWED CAFE \"DIAMOND CITY BAGELS\" BOASTS FEATURES \"CHOPPED CHEESE\". CARTOON PICTURES OF CUTE BAGELS ARE PAINTING ON THE WALLS. INT: A GLASS COUNTER FEATURING COOKIES AND A FEW WRAPPED MEATS. BEHIND THE GLASS WE SEE TWO STAFF WEARING PAPER HATS AND WHITE JACKETS. WE HEAR THE HUBBUB OF CUSTOMERS AND CAFE SOUNDS. HAJRA, LONG BLACK HAIR, BUSTY, CLEOPATRA EYELINER, IS STUFFING A PIECE OF BAGEL INTO HER MOUTH. HAJRA I would never eat this hummous. EATING IT… HAJRA (CONT’D) ..It's not good at all. TORDY, BULL-SHAPED, IS PUTTING ON GLOVES TORDY I like it. HAJRA You wouldn't know you're not Arab. SHE WAVES HER HAND DISMISSIVELY. AN ACTION WE SEE HER DOING A LOT. A CUSTOMER APPROACHES THE END OF THE COUNTER. IN THE BACKGROUND WE SEE THE FOLLOWING. LARRY Olive oil and seasalt what kind of nonsense is that? Do you have any with low sodium salt? CASHIER No

2. LARRY OK, then I want an egg bagel scooped double toasted non fat scallion schmear. You have gluten free? CASHIER No. LARRY You have egg bagels? CASHIER No. LARRY What a pretentious bullshit menu. You don't even have pumpernickel. HAJRA AND TORDY SCRAPING PANS. HAJRA You see that sign on his shirt? It says friendship. TORDY Hmm? HAJRA It's ridiculous. He's not even Palestinian. SHE ROLLS HER EYES . WE DRONE IN AND OUT OF CAFE SHOTS. CUSTOMERS MURMURING, BLAND JAZZ, POTS CLANGING IN THE BACK. HAJRA IS DRONING ON WHILE TORDY SCRAPES PANS NOT LISTENING.

3. HAJRA (CONT’D) ..So you know my friend well my ex friend Leen the one I was sharing a room with for years and we’ve always shared together but last week she told me she wasn’t going to look for a new place together like, she literally stabbed me in the back right..? TORDY STIFLES A SMILE AND WIPES THE COUNTER. HAJRA (CONT’D) ..why are you laughing? So, we’re looking for a place because we got evicted because the house we’re in is a crack house and it’s not safe. No, I mean it's literally going to explode and then suddenly she TEXTS me and says she thinks we need space apart and how she needs to focus on what’s doing best for her and so she’s moving in with her boyfriend. TORDY SIGHS. THIS IS USUAL. HAJRA (CONT’D) I’m not her friend. I’m not going to be friends with her anymore. I’ve already fully decided. I mean, she can fulfill a certain role in my life.. (MORE)

4. HAJRA (CONT’D) ..but, I can’t hang out with her. Not anymore. HER PHONE RINGS HAJRA (CONT’D) Oh Hi Leen. SHE DRIFTS O/S  MUMBLING INTO PHONE. RETURNS TO PICK UP SLACK. HAJRA (CONT’D) What? TORDY You just said you weren’t gonna speak to her again. HAJRA SHE’S LITERALLY MY ONLY SUPPORT SYSTEM FOR ALL THAT I’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH. EXT: A MAN ENTERS CARRYING A LARGE PLASTIC BAG. LEVON WEARS CYCLING GEAR AND A HOPEFUL SMILE. APPROACHES THE COUNTER. HANDS THE PLASTIC BAG TO TORDY. LEVON Here. This is for you. SHE PULLS OUT A LARGE PAINTING ON CANVAS. TORDY Oh! Wow! Great! I love it! Oooh! LEVON I was up late last night painting. CUT TO:

5. HAJRA CHECKS HERSELF OUT IN THE PAPER TOWEL DISPENSER, FIDDLING WITH HER HAIR. IN THE BACKGROUND LEVON IS TALKING INTIMATELY WITH TORDY WHO'S NODDING HER HEAD A LOT. WELL MY MOM'S ABOUT TO DIE WELL YEAH MY BROTHERS DIED LAST WEEK SO... OH YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT. CUT TO; BEVERAGE COUNTER HAJRA IS ADJUSTING HER JEANS. SHE CONTINUES DOING THIS FOR THE ENTIRE EXCHANGE. HAJRA I don't like wearing my good jeans here. I only want to wear my ugly pants but they make me look fat. Do these make me look fat? TORDY No. HAJRA Are you lying? TORDY Look. SHE DISPLAYS THE SMUDGED GREEN AND BROWN CANVAS. A BASIC MESS. “I have to go visit my aunt in the hospital who’s dying of cancer” “MY OLD BOSS CALLED ME AN OVER DRAMATIC BITCH.”

6. “IS THAT ME? OHMUGOD, I.. WHY DID YOU DRAW ME SO FAT, AM I FAT?” “ARE YOU LYING?” ( NO) “WHAT’S WRONG?” “DO I LOOK FAT?” “WHAT ARE YOU LYING?” “I’M SO TIRED.” “I’M THE ONLY NOT NORMAL PERSON HERE. ANA IS THE ONLY OTHER ONE, BUT SHE’S HALF WHITE. I AM NON-WHITE, I’M THE ONLY ONE” “OKAY, YOU WIN MOST SPECIAL.”

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8. MORNING AT THE SANDWICH SHOP. HAJRA IS ON REGISTER. HAJRA I’m on new medication? I can’t think straight, I feel really nauseous, dizzy. Just in case I faint or pass out or something I want you to know. Workers compensation will do. TORDY WIPING THE SANDWHICH BOARD, LOOKS DOUBTFUL TORDY Who gave you the medication? HAJRA (stuffing bagel in her mouth) This medication is from my nutritionist? “WHAT’S GOING ON? LIKE I SERIOUSLY DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON? I’M LIKE SO CONFUSED.” “THE MEDICATION MAKES ME REALLY TIRED AND SPACED OUT.” “WHO GAVE YOU MEDICATION?” “MY NUTRITIONIST… (STUFFING HER MOUTH WITH A BAGEL)....” “MY THERAPIST SAID I WANTED TO BE UPSET.” “I’M SO HUNGRY!!! WHY AM I SO HUNGRY!!!” “WHAT’S GOING ON?”(LISTENS) UGH.. (DISMISSES WITH HAND)” (CONSTANTLY CHECKING HER IMAGE IN PAPER TOWEL DISPENSER… AFTER SPENDING 20 MINUTES IN THE BATHROOM GETTING READY.) “So like guess what happened on my way back from my aunt's funeral…. The one who died of cancer… My car broke down! (MORE)

9. HAJRA (CONT’D) Why does everything always happen to me????” “I FEEL SO FAT. I HAVEN’T BEEN EATING, BUT SOMEHOW I STILL FEEL LIKE I’M GAINING WEIGHT. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?” (LOOKS INTO THE MIRROR AND FIDDLES WITH PANTS... SILENCE.) (SERVER PUTS DOWN A TUB OF CREAM CHEESE IN BETWEEN THE TWO.) “UGH, WHAT’S THAT?” “THAT LOOKS SO GROSS?? IT LOOKS LIKE SOUP??” “IT LOOKS LIKE A TUBERCULAR LUNG IN A BLENDER.” “STOP!” “That one looks like horse phlegm.” “OHMUGOD!” “That’s Palestinian foot sweat!” “STO-OP!” “That one is a home abortion!” AA GIRL IS PICKING THE JACKET OUT OF HER ARMPITS. “UGH, I LITERALLY CAN’T FEEL MY ARMS … THIS JACKET IS SO RESTRICTIVE. MY BOOBS ARE TOO BIG! I CAN’T REACH UP!!!” “GO TELL THEM YOU DON’T FIT THE JACKET AND THAT YOU HAVE TO WEAR AN APRON.” “BUT THEN THEY’LL THINK I’M FAT.” “MY THERAPIST WANTS ME TO THINK ABOUT TRYING ANTIDEPRESSANTS. I TOLD HER I WOULD HAVE TO SEE. I DON’T WANT TO SEEM SHALLOW BUT I HONESTLY JUST CAN NOT GET FAT.” LATER EPISODE/BIT AS FOLLOW UP: “She said that there are some that don’t have weight gain as a side effect…” (Blank stare) (MORE)

10. LATER EPISODE/BIT AS FOLLOW “But I don’UtP:b e(lCiOeNvTe’Di)t. Everyone I know who’s on them gets fat.” “MY THERAPIST WANTS ME TO DO GROUP THERAPY, WE SIT IN A CIRCLE. UGH I HATE IT” TWEAKS HAIR STRANDS UNDER PAPER HAT. “I'M IN THERAPY NOW. I HAVE TO DO IT AS PART OF MY WORK. I CAN’T DO THE JOB WITHOUT GOING TO THERAPY ONCE A WEEK” I CAN’T MOP, I ALWAYS MESS IT UP. I CAN’T DO THE SQUEEDGY. MY BOOBS FEEL FUNNY WHEN I LEAN INTO THE ICE MACHINE. OPENING2 THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN I ROLL UP MY PRAYER MAT. ( WEARING HIJAB) I’M GETING BACK TO MY ROOTS ( ON THE PHONE) ARABIC BLAH BLAH THEN I CAN COME OVER...ARABIC ARABIC SHE TOLD ME THIS MORNING AND ARABIC ARABIC SALAT MAHALIKHUM. HELLO? HELLO? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY HE’S MY BOYFRIEND WE LITERALLY NEVER TALK. HE NEVER SAYS ANYTHING. NO! NOTHING NOT EVEN A WORD. HELLO? WE’RE FRIENDS I TOLD HIM I WAS GAY. I APPLIED FOR A POSITION IN THE DOCTORATE PROGRAM IT’LL BE CLASS CREDIT. SUPERSIZE VS SUPERSKINNY SPOOF - POSSIBLE INTRO/SEGWAY/SECOND EPISODE TORDY CLARK PLAYS BRITISH DOCTOR. SAJA KHADER PLAYS ARAB GIRL. REPLICATE SCENE WHEN DR CONFRONTS PATIENT REGARDING DIET, USING CLEAR TUBE.

11. “TAKE A LOOK AT THE TUBE PLEASE … “ (GALLONS OF HUMMUS POUR INTO THE TUBE, ALONG WITH OLIVE OIL, BAGELS, AND CREAMCHEESE.) DR: “I MEAN TAKE A LOOK… WOULD YOU JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THAT. YOU CONSUME NEARLY 10,000 CALORIES…..” ARAB GIRL: THIS IS ALL WRONG… I WOULD NEVER EAT THIS HUMMUS. EW. EATING IT… ...IT’S NOT GOOD AT ALL. TIE INS WITH OTHER PEOPLE CHAD? CHAA-A-AD! CHAD! ( CHAD) PARDON ME? I SAID HIS NAME LIKE FIVE TIMES ALREADY. MAYBE YOU NEED TO SAY CHAH-HAD! WHITE PEOPLE ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME. THIS IS FOR CHAD? (CHAD) DO I INSERT THIS DOWN HERE? ( BOTH) EW. WAIT, DID THIS GUY ORDER CREAM CHEESE OR STRAWBERRY JAM? STRAWBERRY JAM AND CREAM CHEESE. BUT HE DIDN’T PAY FOR CREAM CHEESE. SILENCE. I’N’T CARE WUT THAT BATCH SAY. (CUSTOMER) I WANNA ROSEMARY BAGEL AND...ANY RECOMMENDATION? HUMMOUS. (FACE) UGH! REALLY?!? UGH GOD, GROSS. ANYTHING WOULD BE BETTER, EVEN VEGGIE CREAM CHEESE DONTCHA THINK? HUMMOUS OHGOD NO!

12. (SHRINKS BACK) I MEAN GOD! UGH! WELL WHY DID YOU ASK THEN? UGH GROSS! ( WALKING AWAY MUTTERING) I’M SORRY! ( ASKING CUSTOMER ABOUT FOOTBALL) WHY DO YOU SUPPORT TOTTENHAM? SAY IT! TOTTENHAM! TOH-TEN-HAM! WHAT’S THIS? WOORSESS-STIR-SHYER HEHE. WOULD YOU TRUST HIM? MM-MM. NOOO. THE SHIRT! THE TIE! WHADDYA MEAN? HE’S WEARING A DENIM SHIRT WITH A BUTTON DOWN COLLAR! AND YELLOW TIE!