MAD Magazine 042

NOW ІМ ITS SECOND PRINTING 2... ONLY THIS TIME WE USED INK! A FABULOUS CHANCE FOR ALL NEW MAD FANS Т0 READ WHAT YOU MISSED (and discover how lucky you were!) IN THIS HARD-BOUND, DE LUXE ANTHOLOGY OF MEMORABLE ARTICLES (unavailable in any other form*) from ковим 9 ' INCLUDING panie KOVACS у © Afull-color jacket = xy 4 . ..to turn inside out for camouflage! @ An introduction by Ernie Kovacs . . to tell you why you're crazy to go on! @ 16 pages in vivid color . + + to rot your mind and ruin your eyes! @ A total of 128 pages of unforgettable articles . .. that got us into the most trouble! NOW ON SALE AT MOST BOOKSTORES! ONLY $2.95 If your regular bookseller does not have This material originally appeared in MAD Magazines PaАЕ n Б ы befнамеbнe е e N:V. “MAD For Keeps”, ask him to stock it! If he refuses, bust \"*їт one, and mail“4. in! = — ыш = — ни = же ‫س‬‎ ке == = m = e = = = = use coupon Or duplicate = = ша =<шш шшшшша шш шшеш шшшшшшэш = = € MAD ANTHOLOGY DEPT. ZONE. STATE 225 Lafayette Street New York 12, N. Y. Rush my copy of \"МАО For Keeps”! | want to discover how lucky | was! І enclose $2.95, which also happens to be the retail price in book stores. Already | can see I'm not so lucky!

NUMBER 42 NOVEMBER 1958 VITAL FEATURES Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good! MAD'S 1958 FOOTBALL PREVIEW... 6 Alfred E. Neuman MAD's consistent record PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein for picking All-American ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam ASST. ART DIR.: Sheila Lynch IDEAS: Jerry De Fuccio grid-greats is maintained CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS: Wallace Wood Bob Clarke Don Martin Frank Kelly Freas this year as, once again, we miss every selection. Jules Feiffer George Woodbridge David Berg Joe Orlando Mort Drucker DON MARTIN CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Danny Kaye & Milton Schafer Ernie Kovacs Bob and Ray Once again, MAD' smaddest Frank Jacobs Tom Koch Albert Meglin Dee Caruso & Bill Levine Julius Rothenberg artist gives us a glimpse into his own private world, SUBSCRIPTIONS: Glorio Orlando, Celia Morelli T-SHIRT PHOTO: Larry Maleman Gnd once again makes us 50 MERCHANDISING (Whatever that is!): Zach Baym LAW SUITS: Martin Scheiman,Esq. happy it remains private. WAR CORRESPONDENT: Pvt, Nick Megliola DEPARTMENTS kd For this article іп which Danny Kaye plays a five- A CHILD'S GARDEN OF CURSES DEPARTMENT 25¢ MAD Children's Books . . year-old so well, we gave him what would please any ASK THE MAN WHO PARKS ONE DEPARTMENT little boy, mainly peanuts. BOB AND RAY DEPARTMENT Baseball Report MAD'S 25¢ CHILDREN'S BOOKS... .20 COLLEGE CATALOG DEPARTMENT MAD attempts to fill а Bulletin of Alfred E. Neuman University void between today’s 25¢ children’s books and 25¢ DANNY KAYE DEPARTMENT adult books, and ends up I'm Five! . with an article to avoid. DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT SICK, SICK, SICK A Boy, A Bird, and A Hunter Jules Feiffer will surely be Sick, Sick, Sick, when On The Bowery he discovers that we have The Great Bank Robbery . . reprinted 4 cartoons from Е BEFORE | EXCEPT AFTER О DEPARTMENT his new book by that name. Not-So-Wrong Spelling Errors CREDITS FOR THE COMMON MAN. .30 ERNIE KOVACS DEPARTMENT An article which suggests that we give credit where Strangely Believe It credit is due to common FRAME OF MIND DEPARTMENT people! And besides, it's Houses To Match Personalities cheaper than giving money! HONORABLE MENTION DEPARTMENT Credits For The Common Man SCENES WE NEVER GOT ТО SEE... .40 LET'S LOOK AT THE RECORD DEPARTMENT Movie scenes that end up MAD Mood Music on the cutting room floor are shown іп this article, LETTERS DEPARTMENT which will probably end Random Samplings of Reader Mail up іп а similar location. MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT COLLEGE CATALOGUE ...........45 Where They Spent Their Vacations A Bulletin listing all the courses offered by Alfred OUT OF THE FREUD AND INTO THE FEIFFER DEPARTMENT Е. Neuman University, so you clods going to other Sick, Sick, Sick schools will feel better. THE PHASE ON THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR DEPARTMENT Scenes We Never Got To See UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS DEPARTMENT MAD's 1958 Football Preview . ** Various Places Around The Magazine EVoCl.umPeubli1,caNtiuomnbse,r Inc.4,2, iass.tt Ep2Onuf2tbf5iliriceesLhaefcadatoynetNmteeotnwnettshlSYctyoorrepkey,etrx,icNge.NphtetewYd.Jan1u9ary, 5 April, жAаsтiыmiнlыaritTyhewitпhнouеt saaftiriаc шpыurнpose ytoe a lteiviCng MpeArDson oits na coainntcidCencEe.DPErinted in U.КыSл.ыA.

RUSH RIGHT OUT DEPT. WHAT The other night, while we were listening to the guy on TV who's always warning you to \"never ask for aspirin alone . . . always ask for it by пате!”, IF YOU DID WHAT \"STOP IN AT YOUR DEALER AND ASK FOR A FREE DEMONSTRATION RIDE...” І would like a free You gonna buy They said | could take Sorry, Bud! | can't let demonstration ride! the car, Bud? a free demonstration ride you take the car out of ion!= tnhoet sbrhionwgroitomb!ack!You might I've come for ? baItwsheerlifЯogohomend тscуmayl-e! nSootrrasync,alotfehf!aitc'iРsal neWahreesrsceta'lseo?fftihcieal 0а7ви РТУоптуоnлеу

we got to thinking. And then, we came upwith these four dramatic moments, TV? which clearly answered the question that we were thinking about. Namely... THEY TOLD YOU ON PICTURES BY ВОВ CLARKE Whhavaet idt!oTyhoeuy mseaiadn,it'ysousolddon't Then this B Ж This is the only Й dilrsenua'dgtiansgtore! t tdboerwungl!easdtWioenrge!muinst at all leading drug stores! DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK...” * Musicians went to Eight Bar Rest Okay, I'll go Sorry, but the “TELL THEM GROUCHO SENT YOU...” there, then... offer's not good Groucho in Chicago! sent me!

WHY GO WHO'S WHO? HUNTING Once and for all, which one is Nick FOR Megliola and which is Jerry De Fuccio in tsheendT-tShheimrt boatdhs.. NWoer'llthpatay itpomsattatgeer.s. Just EVERY ISSUE OF NLienwda,YoGrakil,Ciatnyd Barbara MAD T-SHIRTS In this issue, Jerry is the \"\"тад doctor,” and Thanks to your MAD T-Shirts, 1 am Nriecakd tishethsetaf“fmloinstsitnegrs.”on Ipnacigdeent1a,llyyo,u'lilf ysoeue now going steady ...with the only kind offemafleemalgeoriltlhaa!t would wear one . . . a Nick listed as “War Correspondent.” This is no gag. Our boy was drafted and left for. PPhrielsatodnelpKhioah,n Pa. I took my girl го a movie іп my MAD wthaetcahrmoyut!las—t EJdu.ne 29th. So Sgt. Bilko better T-Shirt, and not only did everybody else leave, but my girl left too. Thanks. REFRESHING Tony Freedman mucIht istrarsehfyrewsrhiitnigng,to a fmiandg,aziinnethifsor aТgеeепo-f Bronx, N. Y. Agers that is really humorous in a whole- ShirIt.dreamed I saw triple in my MAD T- some way. Keep up the good work. Mrs. W. D. Peckham Mt. Lakes, М. J. H. W. Hightower Assistant Professor Butler University Indianapolis, Ind. BEST DEPARTMENT is tYhoeurbes\"tТУdepSacrentemsentWe'idn tLhiekemaTgoazi$nеeе.” You show how bad TV really із and how corny the shows are. Congratulations! (MeNterwo-YGoorlkdwCyinty-)Mayer POCKET-SIZED FAN YOU CA ePixcactalbyovew,hy sesAnhtDeSisnawbytrMiдrpsl.e! P—ecEkd.ham, shows of our ploeckleatd-ysirzeeaddibnogoks“InosfidreeprMinAtDs,,”is Moinses SUBSCRIBE When I sent my $1.25 for that MAD Dior Knox, of Bangor, Maine. —Ed. FOR 52.00 T-Shirt, I figured it would be а gag. Im- agine my surprise when, а week later, it And there's nothing fishy about actually came in the mail. Boy, did І gag! Seriously, though, it is a great shirt. the price . . . because you save Гуе worn it to school twice, and it's really 25¢ on 9 big issues! What is interesting the way perfect strangers come fishy . . . is them 9 big issues! up to you in the hall and greet you with such comments as: “Eccchhh!” MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 225 Lafayette Street Eliot А. Kohen New York 12, New York Aurora, Colo. 1 don't want to go hunting for each issue of MAD any more! Please enter my name оз ai. Фе REACHES NEW HEIGHTS а subscriber. | enclose $2.00. Now this leaves me free to go hunting for you guys! v (We got 'em piled to the stock-room ceiling!) NAME THE LATEST MAD POCKET-SIZE BOOK ADDRESS CITY. THE BROTHERS MAD STATE gar“bTIcahnaigssmeipdfaejiioftigMhnnascdo”“tl,oТlһescеaptlniidMotnad“yoUofutRrtehearusdlimyedorers\",М,аaдpn“\"adMroariddnoyt,oSuytrosruaitrikinersesm,iidnВiadаon.сudкsі\", YOURS BY MAIL FOR 406 THE COMPLETE COLLECTION—ALL 5-ҒОВ $1.75 MAIL MONEY TO: MAD, POCKET DEPT., 225 LAFAYETTE ST., NEW YORK 12, N. Y.

ASK THE МАМ WHO PARKS ONE DEPT. **Auto Mechanics went to Spark Gap With this article MAD attempts to solve some of the problems caused by America's love (ог... STORY AND PICTURES BY DAVID BERG кос ARKING LOT e USEDCARS 51 у PER HOUR | HEIR PORT BIOAGRUATPOHIES. еPETES PET SHOP ey GETАLONG LITTLE DOGGIE ”| One of the biggest headaches suffered by small-minded Parking lot owners are complaining that big cars reduce officials is the loss of revenue caused by those big their parking capacities, hence their incomes, forcing new cars which overlap the normal parking meter spaces. many of them into putting their yachts up in moth balls. cThoenrceerniarneg retpraofrftisc fjialmtsericngausiend frboym thaorsoeundextrtahe-bicgounctarrsy. Ihnasn'stombeeentoawbnlse, tothbeudgtreaffaicn iinschsoforhompeolnetshssly ansdnamrolendt,hs.it

THE SOLUTIONS **Servants of Royalty went to the Palisades TO GAINSVILLE iesxLOW BRIDGE . | IF YOU CAN KEEP YOUR TURN RIGHT НЕ, WHEN ALL ABOUT THEN TURN LEFT Û aneLOSING THEIRS- ONE GOOD TURN SPED THE SERIOUSNESS | DESERVES ANOTHER OF THE SITUATION, Build big cars, only vertically, not this will present problems horizontally ... double-decker style. when drivers come to low bridges THE HOME OF SERUTAN \"NATURE'S SPELLED BACKWARD Build big cars that fold up lil Build big cars with attachments t As for those hopeless traffic jams, we suaaest that City Fathers cement over them stalled 21 [Go NOW pay LATER)

DANNY KAYE DEPT. PICTURES BY WALLACE WOOD Danny Kaye has been deservedly dubbed “Тһе 20th Century Pied Piper\", for like the Pied Piper of yore, he has captivated audiences over the years with his hilarious movies, his memorable one-man stage performances, and his delightful record albums. More important than any of these, however, to Danny, is his work for the United Nations Children's Fund, for which he serves as Ambassador-At-Large. And now, Danny Kaye delights MAD readers . . . and MAD editors as well . . . by consenting to perform a “Special Engagement\", bringing along a collection of songs by the perceptive and gifted Milton Schafer; songs that embody the attitudes and amusing foibles of children Danny has come to know in all lands. Here, then, from his heart-warming new album, IM FIVE!\"Mommy, Gimme А Drinka Water'' (Capitol T-937), is Danny Kaye as a proud little boy, singing. . . ©1957 by Frank Music Corp., 119 W. 57th Street, N.Y.C., Used with permission. I'm five! I'm five! І сап dress myself! An' when I sit in my fadder's chair, I'ma big boy now, I'm five! I don’ need Mom t’ help me anymore! My feet с'п reach d' floor! See? I'm five! I'm five! An’ when I wrestle wit’ my Uncle Nat, So Fatso Red better not get wise, Got a muscle, an' I'm five! Inna secon', he's onna groun'! \"Cause I don’ fool aroun’!

Іс'п t’row dis rock a mile away! An’ kill dat rat’ulsnake! Yuh dare me swallow my choon’ gum down, An’ not get a belly ache? An’ when I got back, But I’m no stool pigeon! An’ I walked right out on 'em! Р\" police ast me a lotta questions! Right across d' street! Iclammed up! She knows darn well Га run away, Wha’ does she t'ink, I'm t'ree? Wha’ does she t’ink, I’m four? \"Cause I'm too old fer dat! Not me! I'm more den four!

When I was іп 4\" jungle, An’ even Tarzan ran a mile, I lived dere fer 'bout ten years! I frightened all d’ animals! When I was king о” Cannibals! An’ den a ship foun’ me! I'm allowed! I'm five! I'm five! My mudder dasn’t spank me Y’know why? I'ma big boy now, I'm five! Jus’ fer goin’ wit’out a hat! < Abg uoqın о шәм зору ƏIAOW uƏəg-spH, y Гт FIVE! —

E BEFORE | EXCEPT AFTER О DEPT. Our Continuety Editer, who also proofreeds the magizine becawse of his ecstensive knowlege of spelling, has maid the obsivation PICTURES BY GEORGE WOODBRIDGE not-so-far-from-wrong \"...апа all the old FATERNITY alumni were there.\" \"I took my boss to dinner and a show RESENTLY.\" | ZORE?UNAINONNUAL | ap

ош! но) о UBM s194209] эпүү,, that some of the misteaks he comes accross reed better then if Мб ERRORSthey were corect. For instence, take a look at the foulowing . . . \"A hard worker, John was certainly TRUSSWORTHY.\"

A CHILD'S GARDEN OF CURSES DEPT. PREPARE KID S FOR Мар Educational Council, composed of all staf READING 25c ADULT mpoermt,bervsiewwihnog cawnithreada,lahrams jtuhset isstsauteed hoifs acnhniuladlrenr’es- books in America today. As the Council sees it, the BOOKS WITH TH ESE .. two-bit books offered to moppets fall far shot ої Preparing the younger set for the two-bit adult books they'll be reading in a few years. So, to bridge this gap in subject matter, Мар has rushed the following volumes into print. Now parents can MARJORIE MORNINGKITTEN By Herman ЧО SEE сояр. M was spoiled rott—aelwnays had A LITTLE PURPLE BOOK been. She was only half-Siamese, and half-Goodness- ™ Wayward 2By... knows-what. But she had a way about her. School Bus E. day, Mr. Furd drove the dilapidated old e school bus up from San Pedro, through the Sierra Pass, down into Bad Water Flat, and on to the ancient school house at Yucca. Mr. Furd was а kindly bus driver. Bent, dirty, slob- bering, senile, yellow-toothed, leering and snappish —but kindly.

25 CHILDREN’ BOOKS коксты АРЫ a SE I guess you'd say she had class. She rode a horse 3 like she was born to the saddle. She had а way of lap- ping milk that seemed to drive tom cats wild. And she was housebroken. Goodness knows, she was house- broken. ч ‘The finest training schools had taken care of that. They had taken a kitten and given her the confidence of a full-grown cat, Only Marjorie knew that she was a phony—she and the elevator boy at the swanky East side apartment where she lived. After all, he had seen her come in time after time at all hours of the night with her whiskers unkempt and reeking of catnip SESA МЕН са V et АТ**Movie Ushers went to Toowanda Isle One day, the dilapidated old school bus broke down halfway between Bad Water Flat and Sierra Pass. While they waited for kindly Mr. Furd to repair it, Billy and Sue cast covetous glances at each other. Then, carefully, so as not to attract the attention of that frowsy blonde-haired 10 year old girl who always seemed to see everything, they made their way Billy and Sue liked Mr. Furd. Every day, they would get on the dilapidated old school bus and say, \"Good Morning, Mr. Furd.\" Billy and Sue were cheerful children. Grubby, emaciated, unwashed, retarded and with a look of pathos in their eyes —but cheerful.

A LITTLE PINKO BOOK ЕНЕ I FLED THREE MICE by HERMAN GOLDBRICK ж.а ТЕЧе RPeadrtyH'sen.c\"odeI hnaavmee toforcacmkele wwashen\"ТһIеthLiintk- about it, for little did the comrades realize that I was really a Counter-Espionage Agent for the United States Leghorn Association, In those many hectic months, I also led a third life . . . that of a commonplace barayard fowl at the Happy Valley Farm near Reading, Pennsylvania. A LITTLE GOLD MINE OF A BOOK ЕНЕ The Man in the fa Z 2% b Red Flannel Vr by sioanesiious Union Suit «v«vi\"7TI < у ЕIREMAoNf thJeonedsepawratsmeonnte. oNforthetha\"tbrihgeht waynotuendg to be. In fact, he'd fought against it hard. He ddirdinn'ktinwgant \"yetso\" bmeacnomelikjeustallantohteheorthesrmsiliwnhgo, msacretmiendi to be stamped from the same mold in their red flannel union suits. **Divorcees went to Sufficient Grounds ГЇЛ. WHINNYA LITTLE GOLDEN GIN BOOK ЕНЕ 4 | ®» TOMORROW by LILLIAN WRETCH Еman's yheoarrsse,agot,henI, haodne itofmadNee.w 1 Ywoarsk'sa pfoilniecset-. I thought fermented oats were something І ctoerurlidblet,akeinsoartialbelaeve carlaovnien,g 1fonrevetrhemdrewaomueldd thdartivea me to the very gates of the glue factory.

A million thoughts raced through my mind. How could I tip off the Leghorn Association in time? Would I be able to carry out this assignment? Or would I turn chicken? Suddenly, I felt just like a dumb cluck, fearful that I would lay an egg in the it was on the night of July 14, 1937, that I received my first party asasnidgnmoerndte.redCommeradtoe saGbeootraggee amaldoead coofntaecgtgs with me, the farm next morning. leaving ==\" **Watchmakers went to Maine Springs But he felt himself getting more and more like all the others. Riding on the hook-and-ladder, he often found himself wondering how he could hypo atlhaatrmesrm.allOncbela,ze hetheeyvenwerceaughhetadehdimsfeolrf inhtaondainfgive-a hose nozzle to another fireman with the stock say- ing, “Let's try this one on for siz ау, Fireman Jones was playing checkers when the Commissioner, the phoniest of the phony, call\"eJdonehsi\"m, itnhteo Cthoemmmiasisnioonffeirce. barked, \"I've got an idea I'd like to toss off the building and see if you can catch it in your net! Fireman Jones knew it had something to do with gtehte uspharapnd delceraevease..i.ntobotneflilretshe lCatoemlym.isHseionwearntetdo gtoo ntI'aidgmOehhoandnosuwtorhneee,anf1fodrececedtahlelwbneh.daog itndoiodsni'cmtkanybo.lnocweBuhtienrsteahlefrwehitolweaasnga'ofttoedra But soon, it wasn't just once in a while that 1 tTcwioonaaousnlkpd,umlroipossilpstweeiednaegtnsdiitlnwokgosreskxt.orcaueugtpngDtenarityhneignoauDft.taaeTcr.ro'oHfssdo,sarmysy,seteheIesitsDnaoolwgluac.gltplhosWitrnhskeoarbnldejDiorvciuokeovenlneyks,rse

алея “SHYDHAOEIUVUEFAFSAENТLICRОDWE;OБANЕYTTS 0у $1FA0NR1MDIAEDDEINMDD,YSFМRОENDS “YDHAWIO0VFUEyFAELТDRWОEOAБNЕYTT.S У< ) 2AWGN0AEDO1,LRNOEGTNpHiGpI.NGS - EPLVAEYRYOLINKEE OUT OF THE FREUD AND INTO THE FEIFFER DEPT. ТЕК Re Two years ago, a talented young artist named Jules Feiffer began БЫ а PERFUMED EXHAUST— contributing cartoons to \"The Village Voice,” a weekly newspaper AND SHE RIDES ~ circulated in New York's Greenwich Village. Almost immediately, ШАЛҒАН - we, along with thousands of others, became confirmed Jules Feiffer ЖЫГА fans. We even invited Jules to contribute to MAD. But he wouldn't 288 have anything to do with us! So, sneaky devils that we are, we got $Но the rights from his publishers to reprint the following hilarious strips from his new book, a collection of his best work called . . . 58 š3š 8с AND HEAR THS, CRUE - °šš K T1FAARPEUECTOSAR!BDTIЛMCYЕLТOWLNIS~TEN- 5ә 3 Reprinted Бу permission of McGraw Hill Book Со., Inc. from SICK, SICK, SICK by Jules Feiffer. © 1956, 1957, 1958 by Jules Feiffer 0т0о. R1WEAATWTLOALDNYSBАlOTHeE.OSEALESMAN BNWITUOASTARWXTEAANLTY

UNTIL COLLEGE ШЕЮ = 20172. AND I 20 WHEN Т GOT BAONUDGHІT SATAPRTIEPD.E= 5 CMOTA,DITSIOONNED. MY ADVISER SAID: BOOZING— AND AVENUE. “PONT BE SOCIALLY SOON YOU HOSTILE, JOIN A COULONT TELL ME FROM EVERYONE EE. HERE SHE Б, CHARUE — OVER HERE, CHARLIE- “16LHFH. B-UMSPOEUDND ON FILH - [ri 5M0OTITNIO-K-IMAFGULEL CPOILCTOURR-E $! Г АЛО ADJUSTING — — TUBE WITH А WOOFERS = ИТН А ANAHORPHKC ATTACHMENT FLEXI-RESPL т CW^HOARDNKNSR.ELE.ALIMSKEE—LEC6TOR 1S(2TК0EЕ0REOА(ЖТDOТREUAPTRMEP--=AUMPPTAS WITH А СИТОН BLADE й i FANTASTIC! ~“ LIKE A DREAM FAUTASTICI FAUTASTIC! THAT WAS AD H-BOMB BLAGT RECORDED RIGHT ON THE POT- SOUNDS [IKE 5 IN THE ROOM. DOESNT IT? FANTASTIC! TKéOAVOPENAIADLNLAOTNYGI,NG CONTINUED ON NEXT PAGE 25

MHES OWRLOTTE- BUILT LIKE MAD- LIVES ЄIÑ BROOKLYN HEIGHTS. \\е jue B THE REAL _ ИЕ А DANCER 1/66 iM THE VILLAGE — WAENLDL IMYWANSAMIEN T6HE BENRENIGAHRBDOR- HOOD AND А MUTUAL FRIEND NETED X CALL YOU. Viv POOT T PICK UP EER AND DROP =— ` [08OVER FOR A WHILE? ~ 175 ATER MIDNIGHT HOW CAN YOV HAVE AsNED SМHЕES! SGOHIENSG To SAONMYEONREESPELCIKTE TFOHRAT? 5i0]4 рәйлод oi шәм stuəuBiseq э!шәэ, ,

Mayors went to Lake Ornerstone ERNIE KOVACS DEPT. trangely Believe A! “ПИЧ RUZ /ONLY. ONEМан IN THE WORLD, CONAMPEPAM w тн; HIMALAYAS |EVER VISITED THE TINY MOUNTAIN VILLAGE OF AND LIVED то TELL ABOUT IT/ MALCВоOлтLwM e AND RACER, 2 а OANCCUERXRTERDEMEILNYBUOFDFDALOCIRМCУU.MSTОAМNCE RECENTLY ATTEMPTED TO BREAK THE RET SPEED ATTENDED HIS OWNBaА LO8C,A1L957,BWAHNEKNER, ACTUAкLаLY! г FUNERAL! BOAT RECORD WITH THE FIRST ROCI UNFORTUNATELY, GRUNCH PEVREORPEнLLED иSPEED BOAT COULD NOT ENJOY IT, AS НЕ aа У 5 WAS DEAD AT THE TIME. ШҮҮ, OS OLD WEST, NEVER MES ~ HIS ATTEMPT FAILED, AT CARDS EIHIS BH. ^ ALTHOUGH MANY OBSERVERS BECAUSE OF THIS, HE DIED BROKE FELT THAT SIR MALCOLM WOULD HAVE SUCCEEDED IF НЕР REMEMBERED TO UNTIE HIS N SMETNIK,BOAT FROM THE DOCK BEFORE STARTING. P POET LAUREATE об INSBIeSrgTeEnD County, N.J. THAT \"EVERY LINE or POETRY нер EVER WRITTEN ве BURWHIEEND HWEITHDIEHDI/M Smetnik was amazed AQ! — CP=OOМME=MPА=SLETOEF А when everyone agreed with him. д

LET'S LOOK AT THE RECORD DEPT. It all started with Jackie Gleason's LP \"Music For Lovers Only.“ Now it looks like this latest trend in record albums . . . mainly these collections of songs for special people or special occasions or special purposes . . . is going a little too far. Before you know it, you'll be seeing things like these record albums оф... PSYCHOANALYSISONGS FOR UNDERGOING Music for Undergoing OBERATIONS Manic-Depressive РЕД plit Personality I'VE EVERYTHING HAPPENS TO МЕ GOODЫ) Y conscious Manifestation GOT IT BAD (AND THAT AIN'T Father Image Masochism BE CAREFUL, IT’WSITMHY EHVEEARRYT B€RE1AVTEH СОIТTAYKOEU UNDER MY: SKIN 1 WONDER WHO'S KISSING HER NOW lallucinations. THERE'LL BE SOME CHANGES MADE ө THE MASK IS OFF 1 SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAI „Persecution Complex I'M BEGINNING TO SEE THE LIGHT ө ВОТСН-А-МЕ Defense Mechanism I'LL NEVER BE THE SAME è IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU Paranoic Tendency Childhood Conflict SONGS FOR DIVORCE COBACKGROUND MUSIC FOR JUVENILE DELINQUENTS (= TIME ON MY“HANDS ж I Went To Your Wedding МІНАТ' 1 DO? е STANDING ON THE CORNER IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT ө I'M WALKING BEHIND YOU Ж Third Man Theme Ж Changing Partners TEMPTATION e ANYTHING GOES e FOOLS RUSH IN Ж Your Cheating Heart Ж Sound ӨН THAT OLD GANG OF MINE ө FEUDIN', A-FUSSIN' AND A-FIGHTIN' Ж Thats АП X Want From You X Let Ме Go, Lover IT'S SO PEACEFUL IN THE COUNTRY Ж FU Walk Alone X The Night We Called It A Day Я _ k Unchained Melody | ж I Get Along Without You Very Weil

Mad AeA ооу о) шәж зівиооіу uəəg-spH, , Mood Music PICTURES BY ВОВ CLARKE |3 SONGS FOR MUSIC FOR TESTING NOW IS THE HOUR 1 CAN'T GET STARTED FALSE TEETH SHAKE, RATTLE AND ROLL HOW HIGH THE MOON? WIMOWEH WHEN 010 YOU LEAVE HEAVEN? SH-BOOM YOU KEEP COMING BACK LIKE A SONG KAW-LIGA CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN? SKOKIAAN GUESS PLL HAVE TO CHANGE MY PLAN JAMBALAYA BALI НАТ AIN'T IT A SHAME EH CUMPARI BACIAGALOOP MAIRSY DOATS DIGA DIGA DOO FLAT FOOT FLUGEE ZIP ñ DEE DO DAH TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA FUNICULI FUNICULA ASHBY DE LA ZOOCH TZENA, TZENA, TZENA BIBBIDI-BOBBIDI-BOO QUIZAS QUIZAS QUIZAS YARKA-HULR-HICKEY-DULA BALLADS FOR MUSIC FOR PRISON BREAK$ OLD LOVERS / VM BIDIN’ MY TIME e IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ISLAND Me27m6*o5 rBieeesn 1 LCo5anng, DrLe2oanmg, TCia;nmte 7OncDeoEn'‘Itn AGeWthiAlreounsd BMAuDSicdh Anymore PLJEAAISLEHOUDSOEN'TROCTKALK e AOBPOEUNT TMHEE WDHOEORN, ИRМICHGAORNDE A ЈЕ Before. No Cin Do. The Thrill Is Gone JJakes Two То Taia LAUGHING. ON IIR OTT ашынын meeeRERY CROSS OVER THE BRIDGE е SOUTH OF THE BORDER e WANTED T Can't Give You Anything But Love, Baby!

HONORABLE MENTION DEPT. Out in Hollywood, they give screen credits for every lives. With this article, MAD initiates a campaign little contribution to a picture, so the whole world to end this great injustice. What we'd like to see are knows who did what. Meanwhile, clods like us never get signs posted in every neighborhood store, so nobody any credits at all, so we remain obscure all of our goes unnoticed, and everybody gets to read these . . . PICTURES BY WALLACE WOOD SAM “RED” SCHLEPP ШЕН BROTHERS Presents PATPRESENT E„эS 3 CLOWNS AT THE FOUNTAIN FOOD cooked by , Dutch Boy Brody on Brushes SANDWICHES prepared DÎ Red Devil Finster on Wallpaper SBheenrjwaimninWiMlolioarmes oonn PRloalslteerrs SODAS jerked by “ACE and COFFEE stirred by \"FINGERS No Merchandise on Credit . DISHES washed by “MACHINE” CHECKS padded by “GOLLY” “А LTHUANTCHEOWONONLUEYLTDTAE DSASCROHENOBAOOTLKTDEMPLAITNKDE ITS!DCIHFLFEEPRPENT FRIENDLY DDIIVVERSION ESKIN’S точ | PRODUCED BY UNEMPLOYMENT RUB VIOLENT, RUB DEEP SHARP АТА. (anmentionables included) PRODUCTION KIBI Featuring STOOLIE SQUARE BUNDLES opened by LOTTA LOSSES LOOKOUT BUDRTESTSOESNS smsiansgheedd bbyy IVREMRAA BCULRUNMESMEE | BCEOSDLHSLIHARETRESSTSsftraariyrceohdneeddbybbySyALANILDKIARCAEBORPAIARPPDPEERM 2¿||| All dirty work under personal supervision of | MANNY SHORTAGES

**Dentists went to Porcelain Bridge Credits For The Common Man STANLEY KLATCH LEVINE'S BAKERY BUTCHER SHOP The flouаs ми < Ene YOUNGPRESENTS LOINS А Government-Inspected Production with BETTY CROCKER STARRING starring in Three Exciting Rolls Onion—Seeded—& Plain Stan on the Steaks Lou on the Chops plus Irving Siegel at the Oven Arnold Unger at the Mixer | George Doughertyand at the Counter Owner BernieLevine аре Вас (dropping plenty dough) \"МАМА MIAS KITCHEN PRESENTS Ја За За За За = РЕ РА WAR and PIZZA _| === s ith English Titles 2: ENTIRE сир JOINT SPAGHETTI ~[^dMANICOTTI Sid Vitalis LASAGNA by PASQUALE PARMIGIANA маш non PASTA E FAGIOLI by VITTORIO MOZZARELLA MINESTRONE by GIUSEPPE RAVIOLI кисын (92 CHICKEN FAT byandS.EYMOUR COHEN — BICARBONATE wbiythREXALL DRUGS юзе хакк

From the men who gave you last year's FISH STORE \"PORGY AND BASS\" comes this new and exciting APTHEAONESRTUTRFDLLIMEGYHET FNAUMPTI!LYS П| ЕРИ \"THE PASTRAMI САМЕ\" THE iFn IaNsAspoNrcCeiEsaetnitosCn OwMiPANY 3 THE CLODS AT THE -| Е FrankiSeallystonaornrFir2Snaganlkafmüirters Pe! | R. оRoastBeef HHOOMUSEEWWOORRKK.. .LMietse. MSeellvmian SStturrddlleeyy — | = * bas чOUOFTOE feotuшrinуg нын rАД|ЫГ| TÀ ` ЗА enHam AGGRAVATION 3| PLEASE DO NOT REVEAL МІ > featuring 1 ТА Seltzer abnydShirley WHAT GOES ON TO YOUR FRIENDS! Horse Players went to Wynnon Place == „== — MIKE O'REILLY | CHARLIE GRILLO нор NI GAS STOP presents cz pae SS Se ee BOOZE IN THE NIGHT with a cast of 90 proof LitBtlieg SMMiTikkAeeRRaatIt NtthGhee TBaabrles Mrs. Mikeanadt the Stove No (зMоikseit autp tchleoseP!i)ano CLYDE (100) Л for the Screw behind the Carburetor GEORGIE SAN GEORGIO for the Pin behind the Distributor EMILE STORCH for the Bolt behind the Generator ond GREEN STAMPS for the Nut behind the Wheel |

MOY POYS oi {йәм цашіацяц,, Of course, once “Credits for the Common Mon” glamorous names like Tab Hunter or Rock Hudson becomes common practice, the “ham” in people ог Rip Torn. We at MAD figure the next step will start coming out, and they won't be satisfied should be for everybody to change his name to with their plain old common names. They'll want fit his work. F'rinstance, here are examples of PROFESSIONAL NAMES FOR THE COMMON МАМ LOIS D. NOMINATOR CURT MANNERS |г MARLON SPYKE Bus Driver Sailor Arithmetic Teacher PHYLLIS GLASS Bar Maid MARK CARDS AL LACART Gambler Waiter DIRECTORY JUSTILNANCECASEB,OYLEInSs,uraMn.cDe. STEVE ADORE Gas SPtHaItLionR.AtUtPePndant L, Interior Decorator || Longshoreman TERRY MYSIN, Druggist | MAUDE LYNN, Undertaker EVAN ЈЕШК, Revivalist MARION ETZ, Puppeteer JERRY MANDER, Роп сјап- | SONNMYYLESDAYL,ONWG,eatShuervremyaonr NICK KNACK, Antiques | R„IESDEAYMTORUAVREL,DIRPTa,id PCroivmaptaeniEoyne | LINDA HAND, Social Worker CARMEN GOSSIP, Columnist DINAH SOAR, Archaeologist „LIBBY DOE, Psychologist PATTY WAGON, Policewoman 6T.ITUHSUGHAE.S,DRURMe,ceptCioornsiestts RIPP — Porter ParkinRgEXLotKAAtRtZendant NOAH COUNT JEAN ANN TONIC SKIP TOWN Vagrant Bar Fly Embezzler

BOB & RAY DEPT. With the Major League races coming down to the wires, we've asked Bob and Ray's ace roving reporter, Wally Ballew, to cover a little-known facet of our great National Game. So, if you're ready, come in Walley Ballew, with your exclusive . . . PICTURES BY MORT DRUCKER BASEBALL REPORT ҮШШ> | This is jovial Walley Ballew, here in the clubhouse of the San Š ДУ# |М|А||||]||| An’ hello to allyou | Francisco Giants at Seals Stadium. And while we're waiting for mfeansbywhmoy mпaаyте,поїbuktnoarwe the fog to lift, I'd like you to meet a man you've been hearing soitainly familiar a lot from this year. You may not know him by name, but you're қ wit\" my woik! certainly familiar with his work! Folks . .. meet Duane Grubble .. . aWlellld,ecnkoewd, oDuutanein, yo|usreeGiyaonut're Dat's right, Wally. 1 jus’ 212 I'm a professional heckler, Wally! unontifoacrtmua.ll.y.aevpelnayetrh!ough you're dress like dis so's | can I'm d' guy who heckles d' players stan' оппа steps of d' dug- оппа other team when dey come t' bat! out, an' do my job!

**Doctors went to Bedside Manor Well, | know batters Players usta do the heckling, Wally! But Sounds like а fool-proof onny from d' gran'stand, get a lot of heckling then, every once inna while, an umpire system, all right! And I'm dwehyat pr|owbuazblyyelcloiun''!n'tHohwear from the enemy dug sure that now а lot of fans \"bout | give yuh a sample? out... but | always would гом a guy outta d' game for heck- out there remember seeing thought it was the ling. Dat's 4 advantage of havin’ а spe- you in action . . . = players who did= it. cialist like me! Dey can't t'row me outta d' game, 'cause | ain't in it! AHHH, YER MUDDER That's very good, Duane! 1 usta call trains in Gran’ PLAYS DE NUMBERS, Just where did you learn Central Station! Dat's where to yell that loud? d' Giant scout discovered me YUH BUM, YUH! signed you | No, it wuzn't dat easy! | wasn't no bonus heckler, It wuz inna T'ree-I AHHH, YER SISTER y'know! | hadda come up d' hard way! | heckled League dat | picked RAISES RUTABAGAS, up right fer one season in d' Т'гее-І League . .. an’ den | up dis опе... there and spent two years in d’ International League before | wuz ready t' move on up t' de big show!

That's a pretty good one! Yeah! | got a file of over a і | suppose it works up \"At's right, Wally! Dere wuz one 1 kept in | imagine that one gets а hun'erd insults! | never use < a batter's anxiety... resoive tilld' final game of d' Li'l Woild batter pretty infuriated. @' same one twice in one game! Series. | waited till d' 9th innin' . . . ап\" nyeouv'erre kgnooiwnigngto wyhealtl next! cms SaV y < эи ` 4 AHHH, YER FADDERS _Z | One thing | don't quite understand, Duane! Ali Pam 0' t'rut of d'matter And that ALL YTUAHKE BUBMUSB,BLE YUHB!ATHS, oybfouatrheshetcekhlbAesinaynysreleogeaumslsyone!tloflbhoearvetphearats?onnayl tinhstuliotsdn.ogwNionteh | | 9| is... | don\" unnerstan\" one was... [f 4 game atall,Wally! 1 usta yell t'ings like “Тар $о you de- Yeah! Poisonal Well, | want to thank раат - and now, this Dere's a couple ә” one out t' d' t'rower, yuh cided to insults get un- you for talking to us, is Wally Ballew guys from d' Chicago sending it back dbu‘mfe!l\"le—rorопп\"аHitceanntereasbyasoen!e” t\" Switch to der their skins Duane! And good luck to MAD Magazine тCIеulbesad'v|ew,bauisntiiobusinnw’e!sstD'agtwi'hmse-n more, anyway! to you the rПest of in New York! the season! | why I'm puttin’ on dis false beard

DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Il **Diplomats went to Port Folio =Е ә 5Е 82 5 EJ5 є 5 e5 = š T = Eа El5 2 25 5 Б Е : = = в=E E:© 8g = 5 є t 5 2 Е 5= 8.5 5 = š3 б 340š Йз 0а 0Ñš >» (5

FRAME OF MIND DEPT. You know why most people are unhappy these days? Conformity! Take houses, f'rinstance. Wherever you go, you see rows and rows of houses that all look the same. Today, every- body has to live like everybody else. And this makes most people unhappy because way HOUSES TO MATCH THE EXHIBITIONIST’S HOUSE The Exhibitionist pretends His windows let him view life; The way he acts Supports the facts He'd much prefer a zoo life. PICTURES BY BOB CLARKE The Schizophrenic's ups and downs The Egotist shows off his home Continually are showing; Much like a cheap French novel; When free of cares, This gaudy splash He lives upstairs; Exhausts his cash; When blue, he's in the low wing. The house is just a hovel. 38

down deep they don't want to conform! They want to be individuals! They want to show their true character! Since you are one of these people (you wouldn't be reading MAD if you weren't) we've got the solution. All you have to do is build one of these... YOUR PERSONALITY THE EXTROVERT’S HOUSE THE IDEALIST'S HOUSE The Extrovert keeps adding wings In never-ending labors, In hopes that he Will always be Next door to all his neighbors. THE INTROVERT’S HOUSE C*VБwtio*уellGеnluoatmsnsispts The Introvert likes solitude Idealists know their ivory towers And hides his home with greenery ; Are doomed to fall to pieces; They blend so well And yet despite It’s tough to tell This woeful plight, The house from all the scenery. They always sign long leases. 39

THE PHASE ОМ THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR DEPT. There‘s a lot more to a motion picture than meets the eye. a film editor can make or break a Hollywood epic just by Most of it meets the floor! The cutting-room floor! Yes, what he cuts out. For example, rummaging through some of SCENES WE NEVER PICTURES BY WALLACE WOOD THE PRIDE AND THE PASSION (СЙScene 147 ж When the camera closed іп on Frank Sinatra and that fabulous cannon, а wary film editor PICNIC p ин ис в ш hl Scene 111 BONOUOBONONUM исни ии в киш шю ON NON и нити >ч 4 Же ~ =М | cud = | li The big scene in this picture with William Holden and Kim Novak had to be cut short when BOY ON A DOLPHIN BEB SBS BSS REGS ий й й Lag m uuugu Scene 89 40 The last part of this love scene between Sophia Loren and Alan Ladd never hit the screen

the most respectable garbage cans іп “Filmland”, we came across discarded scraps of celluloid containing these . . . GOT TO SEE s[p4 924 о) шәм ззәәшбиз IDAS, y е gi = sА ---по man to look up to! 41 because the rising tide exposed daring, brave Alan as...

[EMN M FROM HERE TO ETERNITY === S ESE) \"\"uuuauumaumuuuuuc Scene 68 = 2% We wonder how many guys would have wished they were Burt Lancaster in that scene when һе BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI wSecene 2=19 They say it's all in a days work for actors to be subjected to danger. And if this scene THE TEN COMMANDMENTS о ни eee вв ERE NS ee eee Scene 5389 smua... on Never one to pinch pennies, Cecil B. DeMille still winced when they had to lop thousands BRIGITTE BARDOT'S LAST TEN PICTURES > A T.1 L K K K KK АЛАЯ и и | An зз 42 Now, the French film editor works a little differently. Take this scene when Brigitte

нн \"нн. **Racketeers went to Double Crossings SESB BSR BSB RBBB K K KS KK KL ки ш ши pe um 2X Bardot figured a bathrobe would dress things up a bit... ... VIVE LA DIFFERENCE! 43

DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III And now, for a parting shot by Don Martin, here's a MAD tale calculated to steel your nerves and steal your heart... Khe Great Bank Robbery Okay, Mac! Fill it up міт | `Š casgihve! it to your wiеf, e!!!

COLLEGE CATALOG DEPT. Since the recent announcement of the founding of Alfred E. Neuman University, we have been snowed under by mail (It was only three letters and a postcard, but we have a midget letter-carrier who snows under easy!) from High School students who plan to go on to college, but have no desire to continue their education. In answer to these requests, The Board of Trustee now brings you . . . ин ALFRED 1NEUMAN g UNIVERSITY = 1958-1939 Ф Duy Evening and Cutting Classes go 2a oEo9 °о ч5£ = ==°Ф 2° а5 = Е~22 2Ф 5с 5с Е о o z ui 55 =Ф2 аР5Ы =z NORTH HALL ФФa Located at the south end of A.E/N.U.'s campus, this charming @ edifice once housed the best-equipped Chemistry Lab in the U.S. == *PFPwt*loaoeFasrnyosteorwtsboaoldl Ф == PICTURES BY JOE ORLANDO Sо So, before you decide on which college you're going to attend, turn MAD side?

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..;Or doesn't/she | fellows her own a£e: Why only young boys? Only her psychiatrist knows for sure! You can clearly see that this girl has lots of problems. minutes to add those grey streaks to his temples, those Just one look at her obviously dyed hair is a good indi- cation. Now, if she wants to dye her hair to attract at- little bags under his eyes, that five-o-clock shadow, that moustache—,all the tention, thats her business. But this compulsion she other little things that will has for running around with young boys instead of men make him look as old as she is. And, when you think about it, why should you suffer one more day of embarrass- her own age—that's our business! Mainly, we can help ћег ment if you have a problem like this girl! Try a Miss avoid епі ment until she's worked this problem out Clairold Date-Ager Kit on that boy in your life—today! owlidth Dhaetre-Ager t.KitA.ll Wsihteh haMsistso dColaiirsolbdu,y a Mitssakes Cloanilry- Thhiemn,so all dyooun'’ltl lhoaovke litkoe do is figure wiotuht ahnowoldto msitdrgeettc!h it it you're out МОЖЕ GRADILE-ROBEBSENS USE MISS OLALDROLD DATE-AGER KIT © 1958 CLAIROLD INCORPORATED. AVAILABLE ALSO FOR NEUROTICS IN CANADA THAN ANY OTHER DATE-DISGUISER