The ManipulationBible - Wladislaw Jachtchenko

The Manipulation Bible The Dark Side of Communication WLADISLAW JACHTCHENKO www.remote-verlag.de OceanofPDF.com

© 2022 Wladislaw Jachtchenko This work is protected by copyright. Any use requires the exclusive consent of the author. This applies in particular to reproduction, utilization, translation, and storage of the work and processing in electronic systems. For questions and comments: [email protected] Originally published as Dunkle Rhetorik, Goldmann Verlag, 2019 © Wladislaw Jachtchenko, 2019 English translation © George Robarts, 2021 First edition 2022 Remote Life LLC, Oakland Park, FL. Cover design: nskvsky Editorial Team: Maximilian Mika Book layout: Melvyn Paulino ISBN Print: 978-1-955655-30-9 eISBN: 978-1-955655-29-3 For more information about the publisher, please visit: www.remote-verlag.de OceanofPDF.com

About the Book Do you want to have the final say in arguments? Do you want to shut down your arrogant colleagues? Do you want to prove that you were right all along? Bestselling author, communication coach and public speaker Wladislaw Jachtchenko is here to help. This book is a treasure trove of tips and tricks for honing your communication skills – teaching you to manipulate your way through everyday scenarios, and finally start getting what you want. OceanofPDF.com

About the Author Wladislaw Jachtchenko studied political science, law, history and literature in Munich and New York. He worked in a legal firm in Munich and as a research associate at the United Nations in New York, before following his passion to begin work as a communication coach and public speaker in 2007. He is the founder of the Argumentorik Academy (https://argumentorik.com/en/) in Germany, where he leads training courses in interpersonal communication and business negotiation. He has enjoyed considerable success at international debating tournaments, ranking among the Top 10 Speakers in Europe, and has won multiple awards for his work. With his online courses alone he reaches and teaches over 200,000 learners across the globe. OceanofPDF.com

About the Translator George Robarts studied German and Italian at New College, Oxford, where he specialized in prose and verse translation, graduating with first-class honors. He won Third Prize in the prestigious Geisteswissenschaften International Non-Fiction Translation Competition in 2020, awarded by the German Publishers’ and Booksellers’ Association. OceanofPDF.com

Contents Foreword: Being Nice is So Yesterday Introduction: You Manipulate People Daily The Top 10 Skills for Everyday Manipulation 1. Seeming Confident When You Haven’t Got a Clue 2. Dazzling People with Your Appearance 3. Building a Quick Rapport 4. Telling the Perfect Lie 5. Forcing People into Agreement 6. Steering the Conversation with Questions 7. Overwhelming People with Emotions 8. Attacking the Content – and Disarming the Mind 9. Attacking the Person – and Leaving Them Speechless 10. Shutting Down Disagreeable Conversations The Three Boxes of Dirty Communication Tricks I. First Box of Tricks: Cognitive Biases 1. Superiority Bias 2. Confirmation Bias 3. Attentional Bias

4. Cognitive Dissonance 5. The Priming Effect 6. The Anchoring Effect 7. Social Proof 8. Optimism Bias and Wishful Thinking 9. Processing Fluency 10. The Halo Effect 11. Authority Bias 12. The Sunk Cost Fallacy 13. The Reciprocity Trap 14. The Scarcity Trap II. Second Box of Tricks: Verbal Tricks 1. Technical Terms and Foreign Words 2. Weak Language and Power Talking 3. Framing 4. Metaphors 5. Loaded Language 6. The Word “Because” 7. The Voice and Its Nuances 8. Quotations 9. The Passive 10. Ten Little Verbal Tricks III. Third Box of Tricks: Bogus Arguments 1. The Irrelevance Technique 2. The Appeal to Tradition 3. The Personal Attack 4. The Circular Argument 5. The Slippery Slope

6. The Appeal to Common Sense 7. The Appeal to Emotion 8. The Endless Repetition 9. The Faulty Generalization 10. The Cum Hoc Fallacy 11. The Post Hoc Fallacy 12. The Argument from Utility 13. The Argument from Fallacy The (Im-)Morality of Manipulation What is Morality? The Moral Stages of Manipulation Conclusion: Manipulate Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere Notes OceanofPDF.com

Foreword: Being Nice is So Yesterday Any person who tries to be good all the time will fall to pieces among so many who are not good. Machiavelli The good guys of this world often come up short, because the bad guys outsmart them with nasty, manipulative tricks. But enough is enough! It’s time to take the gloves off, wave goodbye to good manners, and finally start getting our own way. Almost everyone around us is trying to manipulate us, consciously or not – so from now on, this is rule number one: Manipulate others before they manipulate you! One thing is clear: to be successful in our dog-eat-dog society, you don’t have to be competent. You only have to seem competent and know how to influence those around you. And we don’t need to look as far as politicians, the undisputed champions of alternative facts and personal insults, to see this in action. Our own everyday lives are saturated with spiteful remarks, backhanded compliments,

power struggles, killer phrases – and only the savvy will survive! This unholy bible of tips and tricks will equip you with all the communicative tools you need to get ahead. You will learn to hold your ground in a world full of manipulators; to put your own wishes first; and to assert your own ego – in your personal as well as your professional life. The introduction reveals why you are a born manipulator. You will then discover the Top 10 Skills for Everyday Manipulation. These are crucial skills that you need at your fingertips if you are to succeed in our manipulative world. Next, I will open up The Three Boxes of Dirty Communication Tricks. These shed light on the subtleties of manipulation. The Trick Boxes are designed to supplement your Top 10 Skills – enabling you to manipulate others with nuance and precision, and equipping you with a wide selection of tools to draw on whenever you need. Last but not least, I will take a closer look at the morals of manipulation, and where the limits are. You do not necessarily have to read this book in sequential order. If you like, jump straight in to the chapter that intrigues you most. Enough preamble. Let’s get started! OceanofPDF.com

Introduction: You Manipulate People Daily If you act like a worm, don’t complain when you get squashed. Immanuel Kant You have been manipulating people since you were born. Every single day. And other people have been manipulating you too. Every single day. The question is: who’s better at it? Who gets their own way in the end? And who gets trampled on? You probably won’t believe me when I say that you are a born manipulator. Since you took your first breath, you’ve been manipulating people constantly to get your own way – and you will continue to do so to the end. Don’t buy it? Well, here are just a few examples from our everyday lives: • As babies we cry until we get enough food, drink, and attention from our parents. And if they don’t respond to our cries, we scream even louder – until they give in and satisfy our needs.

• As toddlers we throw tantrums by the shelf at the supermarket checkout, wailing and whining until our pester power gets us what we want. And as Christmas approaches, we put on our best behavior, in the hope of finding our dream present under the tree. • As schoolchildren we cheat in tests, fake headaches before important exams, and feed our teachers elaborate lies about why we haven’t done our homework. • As teenagers we try to impress our crushes by looking cool and wearing trendy clothes. • As first-time job applicants we pad out our CVs and present ourselves at interview as “highly motivated, reliable team players” – but by the end of the day we’re usually counting down the minutes until it’s time to go home. • As colleagues we make an extra-special effort to be nice when we need something from another colleague. • As parents we drop our children off at grandma’s so we can finally have some peace and quiet – but we tell our kids that grandma has been missing them terribly and that’s why they’re going to stay with her. • As bosses we massage our employees’ egos with phrases like, “You’re the only one I can trust with a task as important as this!” – because how can they then refuse? • As grandparents we spoil our grandchildren rotten to guilt-trip them into visiting us more often. The list could go on for ever. Our many roles in daily life all involve manipulating people – so it’s a mistake to associate

manipulation only with politicians, insurance brokers and car salesmen. We are all at least as manipulative in our everyday lives as this little selection. Some more so, some less so. Sometimes we manipulate others consciously, often we do it unconsciously. Sometimes it works well, other times less well. But every single one of us does it. Every single day. Interestingly, we’re most vulnerable to people we wouldn’t expect to manipulate us: family, friends and acquaintances. It goes without saying that friendly colleagues, bosses and business partners also have plenty of nasty tricks up their sleeve. We’re all merrily manipulating each other! So, the question is not if we manipulate others, but how effectively we do it. And whether we can get our own way in the end. One thing is certain: if you know the tricks of the trade, you hold all the cards. And if you don’t, you’ll be left with nothing! The Big Question: Is Manipulation Immoral? Isn’t it morally reprehensible to manipulate other people? Most people – and most authors – would answer with a resounding “Yes! Manipulation is immoral! You should only use techniques like that in self-defense – if at all!” But it’s not as simple as that. First off, we need to clarify what manipulation actually means. The following definition should suffice for our purposes: Manipulation means covertly influencing another person for your own benefit. Manipulating someone is not to be confused with persuading them (openly influencing them for credible

reasons) or talking them round (openly influencing them through sheer persistence). Most people consider persuasion the best (i.e. the most honest and rational) way of influencing someone. To many people, the idea of talking someone round sounds unreasonable and pushy, and generally carries negative connotations. It means that someone will end up doing something that they originally didn’t want to do. Still, though, the process of talking someone round is at least relatively transparent: it’s hard to miss when someone won’t stop pestering you about something. Of the three, though, manipulation enjoys the worst reputation by far. Unfairly so, I reckon – and I’ll tell you why. The most frequently cited reason why manipulation is immoral is that it is usually a covert operation. In other words, it means exploiting the ignorance of a defenseless, unsuspecting “victim” – and catching them out with a devious trick. But just because something happens covertly – without another person’s knowledge – this does not necessarily make it immoral. If I extinguish a small fire on my neighbors’ front lawn while they’re out, and they don’t know a thing about it, you can hardly condemn me for it, can you? And even if you’re only acting in your own interests, that does not automatically make your behavior immoral either. Either my actions could have no effect at all on the other person (Scenario 1: I benefit, and no-one else gains or loses anything) – or we might both gain from it (Scenario 2: I

benefit, and someone else also benefits without noticing that they’ve been manipulated). Manipulation only becomes immoral when you act in your own interests without concern or consideration for other people, and end up harming them. What matters is how and why you manipulate people. We should also consider whether, in some circumstances, immoral actions can be justifiable. And if so, where do we draw the line? (For a closer look at this, turn to p. 193 for a systematic overview of the morality of manipulation, with accompanying explanations.) What’s the Easiest Way to Manipulate People? There is no single most effective manipulation technique. It’s more a case of different people being manipulable by different methods. Some are fooled by professional body language; others are susceptible to arguments appealing to their sympathy; others are reeled in by “alternative facts” or compliments – and so on. Good manipulators will look for their opponent’s Achilles’ heel and swiftly locate this weak spot. And as we know, everybody has a weak spot. You just have to find it. The key thing to remember is that when people’s interests are in play, every interaction turns into a game of communicative chess. And there are always opportunities to checkmate your opponent. You might protest, “But I don’t want to manipulate anyone! I’d rather just use my powers of reasoning.” Two thoughts on that:

First, arguments generally follow the pattern of a fistfight. The German philosopher Jürgen Habermas means it when he talks of the “unforced force of the better argument”. But people don’t like being forced – and in an argument, they’ll instinctively take the opposite side from you most of the time. To look at it another way: in Schopenhauerian terms, our innate vanity makes us especially protective of our own intellect – so during arguments, we simply do not want our opponents to be right. That’s why verbal spats very rarely end with one person saying, “Actually, you’re right!” In most cases they end in a stalemate, with neither side wanting to concede. The rewards of manipulation are much greater, since your opponent won’t even notice your skillful maneuvers. And because they won’t realize you’re wrapping them around your little finger, they won’t have their wits about them. Second, manipulation has the advantage of being easy to use. In an argument, you are always at risk of making mistakes: starting from false premises, using flawed definitions, or drawing the wrong conclusions. And the longer the argument goes on, the more targets you give your opponent to aim at. That’s why presidents and prime ministers around the world usually settle for short statements – rather than long chains of reasoning. Manipulative tricks, by contrast, are instantly effective, easy to learn – and manipulators move in the dark, offering them additional protection from attack. So manipulation comfortably beats reasoning, two-nil. OceanofPDF.com

THE TOP 10 SKILLS FOR EVERYDAY MANIPULATION OceanofPDF.com

Rhetoric is more honest, because it acknowledges deception as its aim. Friedrich Nietzsche Given that (if we’re honest) we are all constantly manipulating and misleading each other, the only sensible way forward is for us to master the art. In the following chapters, you will learn the ten most important skills you need at your fingertips in order to get your own way every day – in both your personal and professional life. The Top 10 Skills 1. Seeming Confident When You Haven’t Got a Clue (p. 11) 2. Dazzling People with Your Appearance (p. 17) 3. Building a Quick Rapport (p. 22) 4. Telling the Perfect Lie (p. 27) 5. Forcing People into Agreement (p. 32) 6. Steering the Conversation with Questions (p. 38) 7. Overwhelming People with Emotions (p. 44) 8. Attacking the Content – and Disarming the Mind (p. 49) 9. Attacking the Person – and Leaving Them Speechless (p. 56) 10. Shutting Down Disagreeable Conversations (p. 60)

Even if you still don’t believe that you ever manipulate your fellow human beings, learning about these Top 10 Skills remains an absolute must – so that you can instantly recognize when someone is trying to manipulate you, and avoid falling for their tricks. OceanofPDF.com

1. Seeming Confident When You Haven’t Got a Clue Knowledge is power. No knowledge? No matter! Anonymous We live in a knowledge-based society. Those in the know are rewarded. Those who know nothing are punished – with bad marks at school, or with less chance of a promotion at work. Of course, knowledge isn’t the only factor in success, but it is undoubtedly a crucial one. And your outwardly nice but inwardly resentful colleague is just waiting for the opportunity to gleefully cut you down. Even if it’s already obvious how little you know about the issue at hand. Most people are afraid of being embarrassed and exposed. Human beings are stubborn, and we do our best to avoid awkward scenarios like this. The solution is to seem confident even when you haven’t got a clue. It sounds tricky, but it’s just another learnable skill. A very specific competency. To be precise, it is an incompetence- compensating competency: an ability to gloss over what you don’t know by competently deploying specific techniques. Simply put, it’s the ability to hide your lack of knowledge.

As with everything in life, if you know the tricks, you can quickly take control of any situation. Before I present you with my seven most stylish techniques, here’s a tip: whatever you have to say, professional body language and tone of voice will instantly make you look far more competent. Amateurs will break eye contact mid- conversation if there’s something they don’t know. They will hesitate before answering, and then speak too quickly – their flustered appearance revealing at a non-verbal level that have no idea what they’re talking about. Seasoned tricksters do things differently. Even if they don’t know the first thing about the matter at hand, they always have their body language under full control. Most importantly, they will: • maintain eye contact with the other person • make active gestures as they speak • stand up straight, directly facing the other person. But confident body language isn’t all. They will also take pains to ensure that their voice sounds convincing. They will always speak: • loudly and clearly • on the slow side if anything – never too quickly • with deliberate pauses • without ever getting mixed up. Professional body language and tone of voice are the absolute fundamentals of seeming confident when you haven’t got a clue. If you don’t have these at your command, you should start practicing them at once.

For now, let’s take a closer look at my seven favorite tricks. Trick 1: Abstraction When you can’t come up with an adequate factual answer to a question, one inconspicuous technique to make you sound smarter than you are is abstraction. Imagine that someone asks you out of the blue, “What are your thoughts on the Bologna reform?” And let’s assume that you don’t know that they’re talking about the 1999 agreement to align courses of study across Europe (with the introduction of the Bachelor’s / Master’s system and ECTS [European Credit Transfer System] points). The trick is to answer this concrete question in abstract terms. You can avoid saying anything specific about the Bologna reform, and instead comment on the notion of “reforms” in general. You might say something along the lines of, “On the whole, political reforms can only really be judged by those affected. It’s no good asking the politicians – they’ll just keep defending their own decisions. And the people affected by this reform are divided on it. But I find top-down reforms in politics generally pretty questionable.” You haven’t said anything about the Bologna reform – but it still sounded smart.1 Or perhaps someone asks you, “Do you like Schoenberg’s twelve-tone music?” Let’s assume that you don’t have the foggiest idea about the twelve-tone technique and the Second Viennese School either. What do you do? The solution, once again, is not to offer any concrete response to the question, but to talk more generally about music and our appreciation of it.

So you could reply, “Different people have different tastes. It’s just a matter of preference whether you like one type of music or another. Personally, I’m more into jazz fusion.” You’ve said nothing in response to the actual question, but have come up with universal truths that cannot be attacked. The trick with abstraction is to seize on a familiar term in the question, and elaborate on it by spouting a few generalities. Trick 2: Digression A subtle trick that politicians use constantly is gradual digression from the original question towards a subject that they’re more comfortable with. Let’s revisit our first example. Someone asks you, “What are your thoughts on the Bologna reform?” – and let’s assume that you still don’t know a thing about it. How can you skillfully steer the conversation in a different direction? Easy: you parry the question. “I think it’s less important right now than…” – and then you start talking about something else entirely. For instance, you could reply, “People get very hung up on reforms, but I think the really important issue right now is how politics constantly favors the rich.” Of course, if you don’t fancy starting a fiery argument about wealth redistribution, you can pick another more trivial topic, if one comes to mind. Depending on the situation, you could move on to something more personal. It’s astonishing how many people seem not to notice this maneuver. Even if they do, they generally choose to let it go.

If you know the other person well enough, you should pick a new subject that they can relate to. Let’s say you have a mutual friend called Steffi, who is a great friend of theirs. You could simply say, “What I really wanted to talk about is how Steffi is! I haven’t seen her for ages.” This verbal maneuver away from a particular topic is also known as a “red herring” – a term dating back to the 19th century, or possibly earlier. Fugitives supposedly planted the strong-smelling smoked fish to throw tracking dogs off the scent. So if someone tries to take your conversation down a completely new avenue, you can counter, “What sort of red herring is that?” You’ll immediately break their stride. Trick 3: Deflection A slightly more aggressive version of digression is point- blank deflection. This is a way of fending off uncomfortable questions and statements. If someone asks you a question – “What do you think this department can do better?” – and nothing occurs to you, you can shoot back, “That’s not the question we should be asking. This isn’t about what our department could do better, but what better decisions management could have made!” This trick sounds similar to digression. The aim here, though, is not to divert the conversation away from one topic towards another – but to shift the whole discussion from a factual level to an emotional one. Schoolteachers and professional coaches have always taught us to stick to the facts. But if we want to distract someone from the gaps in our knowledge, invoking strong emotions will usually do the trick. The best bluffers will

indignantly clamor, “That’s totally the wrong question to be asking!” Suddenly, the other person is on the back foot – and you have the upper hand again. Trick 4: Agreement and Approval Another cunning way of hiding your own ignorance is to agree with and approve of whatever the other person says. People are susceptible to flattery: gratification clouds their judgment, and they forget that we haven’t actually contributed anything to the conversation. Phrases like, “That’s a really insightful explanation!” and “Interesting argument! I never thought about it like that before,” will give the other person wings. Your approval will encourage them to expostulate further on the subject – and they’ll keep talking the whole time. If they eventually do ask our opinion, we can heartily agree with them – and immediately steer the conversation into more familiar territory. Trick 5: Attribution One of the easiest tricks in the book is to make any old claim and attribute it to someone else, like so: “I recently read in the New York Times that…” This ruse has two immediate advantages for us. First, it implies how well read we are. Second, it takes us out of the firing line – because the argument we are making is not our own. So even if the other person knows much more on the subject and rebuts our fictitious assertion, it only proves their intelligence and lets them feel good about themselves – without making us look bad.

Trick 6: Counter-Questions When you’re stuck for ideas, you can express confidence by turning the tables on the questioner. The simplest counter- question is, “What do you think?” Only rarely will they suspect your ignorance – unless you use this technique multiple times in quick succession. Most people like the sound of their own voice, and prefer talking to listening. I’ve lost count of the conversations I’ve had in which my active contribution has felt like less than twenty percent of the discussion – and at the end the other person beams, “It was great to meet you! I’m so glad that we got to chat!” A slightly more aggressive version of this tactic is to question the other person’s motivations. You fire back, “Why do you want to know that?” or “Why are you asking me that?” You’re insinuating that your opposite number has an ulterior motive. They’ll usually respond by defending themselves – and in doing so, they will divulge information on the issue at hand, which you can utilize in reply. Trick 7: Playing the Philosopher An easy way of sounding intelligent is to pretend to be skeptical of everything and – without going into specifics – point out that opinion is split on a particular topic. You can add some spice with a choice quotation, if one occurs to you. Let’s suppose that someone is curious to know whether you think drugs should be legalized, and asks your opinion. You

don’t know the first thing about drugs, but you want to say something smart. You could reply, “I’m fairly skeptical. Different studies draw different conclusions – and ultimately I don’t believe any statistics that I haven’t made up myself.” Then, ideally, you give them a slightly smug grin. Borrow this response word for word, if you like – it works ninety-nine percent of the time. Or you can make up a phrase of your own. The important thing is to make your statements so general that they don’t offer any new lines of attack. So there we have it – my seven top tips on how to seem confident when you haven’t got a clue. From now on, you’ll never be tongue-tied, even if you have no idea what you’re talking about. You’ll be able to reel people in, even if you have nothing to say. The next chapter reveals how to use your appearance to achieve the same effect. OceanofPDF.com

2. Dazzling People with Your Appearance Body language is worth 55 percent. Tone of voice is worth 38 percent. Content is only worth 7 percent. The Mehrabian Myth How important is your appearance? Communication experts across the globe would direct you towards the American psychologist Albert Mehrabian and his two studies from the 1960s.2 You might have seen the headline statistics before: the studies claim that content only counts for 7 percent, while tone of voice and body language allegedly make up 93 percent. If this is true, we should all immediately start taking drama lessons to perfect our use of gesture, facial expression, and intonation. As for facts and reason – forget it. The “post-truth” Trump era sends its regards. Is Content Really Only Worth Seven Percent? When Mehrabian is asked about his conclusions (which isn’t a rare occurrence) he usually shrugs and says that anyone with any sense can see that content can’t possibly only be worth 7 percent. He illustrates this with an elegant example: “If I were to tell you that the pencil you are looking for is upstairs in the desk drawer of the bedroom,

three drawers down, I couldn’t do that nonverbally… But I could do that very precisely with words.”3 Tone of voice in particular would be very little help. Similarly, if content really were only worth 7 percent, then I’d be able to understand 93 percent of what Chinese or Japanese people were trying to tell me, without speaking a word of either language. Nonetheless, what Mehrabian actually discovered in these two experiments is still vital for aspiring manipulators: as soon as gesture or intonation begin to contradict content, people will believe your body language and tone of voice, rather than your actual words. In other words, the 55-38-7 rule is not true by default, but comes into play when there is a mismatch between verbal and nonverbal or paraverbal levels of communication. We have known this instinctively for a long time. If someone looks at their feet and tells you in a monotone that they’re feeling fantastic, you’re unlikely to believe them. Or if they gloomily murmur that yesterday’s party was “great”, you’ll have your doubts. We automatically detect contradictions between what someone says and their body language or tone of voice – and we ascribe greater importance to the latter two factors, probably because they are involuntary – i.e. genuine and honest – responses. Note: To come across as credible, your body language, tone of voice and content must be free of contradiction (consistent). So, does this mean that body language and tone of voice are less important than the literal meaning of your words?

Of course not! That said, you can use your appearance to reel people in by exploiting the astonishingly powerful “Halo Effect”. The Deceptive Halo Effect The halo effect is a cognitive bias – a sociopsychological phenomenon in which one striking positive quality, such as attractiveness, outshines the rest of a person’s character traits, so that we see them through rose-tinted spectacles and make a positive overall judgment of them.4 A typical example of the halo effect is a teacher objectively overestimating a conventionally pretty student’s aptitude in a certain subject. The same applies to a tall, manly and handsome soldier, whose attractiveness will mislead his superiors into overestimating his accomplishments against those of his average-looking comrades.5 Even the question of how competent politicians look alongside fellow campaigners – and who consequently comes out on top in the next election – is substantially affected by appearance.6 The astonishing thing is that this “halo” does not have to be seen first-hand. It’s enough to have a “manipulated reputation”. In the Rosenthal Experiment,7 now famous in academic circles, teachers were told that certain pupils of theirs were exceptionally gifted. In reality, these “gifted” students had been selected at random. But the teachers proceeded unwittingly to give more encouragement to the supposed “intellectual bloomers” than the rest of their pupils: they were given more praise, allowed more time to answer, and received more individual support. Intriguingly, the IQ of these pseudo-gifted students disproportionately increased over time relative to the “normal” pupils. And as

for the pupils’ character, the “bloomers” received particularly dazzling reports. Our reputation and attractiveness have a defining impact on people’s estimation of our intelligence and persuasive powers. This may seem unfair. But savvy manipulators have long been using this to their advantage – ensuring that they always look as good as possible, and curating an impeccable reputation. Confident Body Language and Assured Tone of Voice Prestige and looks aren’t everything, though. People are also considered more credible if they consistently maintain eye contact and speak in an assured tone of voice – regardless of what they are saying. An experiment in a courtroom demonstrated that witnesses who looked the cross-examiner in the eye and didn’t look away while speaking were consistently perceived as more credible.8 Another experiment focused on the effect of tone of voice on the speaker’s credibility. Subjects listened to two witnesses. The first spoke fluently and assuredly – the second hesitated and stammered. As you can imagine, the subjects considered the one with the steadier voice significantly more honest and competent.9 One of the most famous examples of the crucial importance of body language and tone of voice is the first TV debate in history, back in 1960, between US presidential candidates John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon. Kennedy looked better, spoke to camera more often, his suit fit him better, his body language was more relaxed – and as a result, he won more viewers’ votes than his opponent.

But here’s the twist: people who followed the debate not on TV, but on the radio, claimed that Nixon was the clear winner. How could that be? The radio audience couldn’t see Kennedy’s cool body language. And Nixon had clear vocal advantages. The pitch of his voice was deeper, and he spoke more slowly, exuding more authority. Kennedy’s voice was higher, and he tended to speak more quickly, so he came across as less sure of himself. This shows why, in an ideal world, you should work on refining both your body language and your voice. Can you believe it? The candidate with the better body language wins on TV – and the candidate with the better voice wins on the radio. Even if Mehrabian’s 55-38-7 rule is not universally applicable, this debate clearly demonstrates how good presentation can tip the balance in your favor. The Suggestive Power of Clothes and Status Symbols Well-dressed people look more competent, enabling them to get their own way more easily. In a business negotiation experiment, participants wearing suits struck far better deals than those in home clothes.10 Another experiment investigated how many people would follow a man who crossed the road at a red light. In the first run, he was in a suit – in the second, he was wearing normal clothes. The result was remarkable: in business attire, three and a half times more strangers followed him.11

And while we’re out on the roads, a brief note on status symbols: in another experiment, a luxury car stopped at the traffic lights, and didn’t budge when they changed to green. In a second run of the experiment, a typical mid- range car did the same thing. No prizes for guessing which one got honked at more. The second one, of course! Almost every car behind it beeped multiple times. Three angry motorists even lightly nudged its bumper to try to spur the driver into action. Only fifty percent beeped at the fancy car – and needless to say, nobody drove into the back of it.12 Instinctively, we’ve known all this for a long time. Only in the last few decades, though, has this knowledge been proven by social psychologists in innovative experiments. If you’re not using nice clothes and choice status symbols to impress people (within your own means, of course), you’re missing out on a surefire way to influence them effectively. Self-Manipulation It’s even more remarkable, but a long-established truth, that we can use our body language and clothing to manipulate our own hormonal balance. So-called high- power poses (straight posture, open body language, broad gestures) induce higher testosterone levels and a stronger sense of assertiveness and dominance, while also reducing the stress hormone cortisol in our bodies.13 Note: We can not only manipulate others, but ourselves too – though of course we should only manipulate ourselves for our own benefit. The upshot of all these experiments is

unmistakable: confident body language and nice clothes make it easier for us to get our own way. Conversely, low power poses (bowed head, folded arms and crossed legs) reduce testosterone and increase cortisol. In another experiment, job applicants who adopted high power poses before their interview performed better than those who interviewed in low power poses.14 Even just putting on a suit instead of home clothes raises our testosterone levels – giving us a better chance of getting our own way.15 OceanofPDF.com

3. Building a Quick Rapport Birds of a feather flock together. Proverb Sympathy and trust develop only gradually, if at all, between strangers – unless you help things along a bit. Mirroring is one of the best manipulative tricks you can use to forge a bond of some sort quickly and effectively. What Is Mirroring? Let’s start with an everyday example of how a mirroring conversation can go. “You”, of course, refers to the expert manipulator that you are soon to become: You: “Do you like sport?” Them: “Yes, I love tennis.” You: “Tennis? Ah. I used to watch a lot of tennis. Fascinating game!” Them: “Who was your favorite player?” You: “Pete Sampras.” Them: “Yeah, he was great. But I always backed Boris Becker when they played each other.”

You: “Yes, it was always a tight contest between those two!” Them: “It sure was! Cool that you like tennis too.” Definition: Mirroring is the conscious or unconscious imitation of another person’s language (including body language and tone of voice) and opinions, to foster familiarity and understanding. The shrewd manipulator will never mirror their opposite number a hundred percent. That would be too obvious. Instead, you should agree with them by and large, but diverge a little from their opinion. They will be delighted by your supposed similarities, thinking, “Hey, this person’s a bit like me!” – and your stock will instantly rise. Here’s a real-life example. At an event one evening, the person in the seat next to me turned to me and asked, “So, Mr Jachtchenko, what is the nucleus of your work?” Did he really just ask me that? I thought. Did he really have to use this peculiar Latin word? Couldn’t he have asked, “What’s the essence of your work?” or just, “What do you do for a living?” He had presumably chosen this particular word to indicate that he was a smart guy. To mirror him, I used the first synonymous Latin expression that came to mind. “You want to know the crux of the matter? I’m a communication coach and public speaker.” He gave me a knowing smile, and we got on very well after that. Why Mirroring Works

But how can fabricated similarities build familiarity and understanding? The pop-science answer lies in so-called mirror neurons. These are special nerve cells that behave in the same way while observing a process as they do while performing the process themselves. Simply put, when we see someone yawn, we feel the urge to yawn too. If someone gives us a friendly smile, we tend to give them a friendly smile back. And if someone is nice to us, we’re likely to be nice to them in return. And we instantly form a bond. This feedback system in our brains – as the theory has it – induces us to copy other people’s perceived behavior without thinking. In this sense, we mirror other people “automatically”, mostly without even realizing it. In other words, unconscious mirroring through mirror neurons – which is also evidenced in toddlers, when they try to imitate the movements and noises their parents make – is natural and instinctive. Some researchers even see mirror neurons and the behavior replication that they induce as one of the root causes of sympathy and compassion towards other people. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Mirror neurons were only “discovered” by science in the 1990s. Many researchers claim that the huge hype around them is unfounded – freely admitting that neuroscience still cannot explain exactly what mirror neurons are there for. So let’s leave recent neuroscientific developments behind for a minute, and have a look at another simple and sensible reason why mirroring is such an effective mechanism for building social relationships.

Think about it: what sort of people do you get on with? People who are similar to you? Or people who are very different from you? I reckon you get on best with people who are similar to you. Intelligent people like talking to their intellectual equals. Sports fans are usually friends with sporty people. And people who like partying tend not to go it alone – they prefer to hang out with other party animals. Birds of a feather flock together. We also have a saying that “opposites attract”. But this is more applicable to physics than social psychology. If our friends all had opposite personalities from us, we’d have constant conflicts and clashes of attitudes and interests to contend with. Making plans and setting goals together would become very hard work. So, at the end of the day, it’s only practical to surround ourselves with people who are similar to us and share our interests. This brings reduced risk of fallings-out, and greater chances of harmony. Look at passers-by in the street who are obviously friends or in a relationship. Over the years, they have adjusted to one another, with similar clothes, similar haircuts, and often even walking in step. There are exceptions, of course – as with any rule. But we fundamentally prefer people who we have something in common with. Incidentally, we’re more likely to satisfy a request from someone who has the same first name or the same birthday as us.16 And it’s this knowledge that you can utilize, as the persuasive charmer that you are. Try to draw conversations onto common ground, to foster a familiarity and closeness that would normally – through natural mirroring – take longer to develop. If you do a good job – expertly mirroring

the other person’s language without regurgitating a hundred percent of what they say, working in little nuances, and offering a slightly different opinion now and then – then you will be difficult to detect. The other person will suppose that the similarities in your language, gestures and expression reflect a shared set of values and attitudes. We see people who are similar to us as potential friends. And that is exactly what you can exploit for your own purposes, doing your best to make yourself as relatable as possible. How to Protect Yourself Against Mirroring You should always maintain a healthy degree of skepticism towards people who you don’t know well, but who, within fifteen minutes of meeting you, manage to find twelve things in common and keep reminding you of them. If they point out your similarities over and over again, or several times in quick succession, this is a pretty surefire sign that they’re trying to manipulate you. Of course, there are no hundred percent certainties here. It is perfectly possible for two strangers to discover that they speak the same language and agree on the same fundamental points. It’s just very unlikely, that’s all. The best way to expose a manipulator of this kind is to ask them concrete questions. Returning to the example at the beginning of the chapter: if it’s not you, but someone else doing the manipulating, and they say that their favorite tennis player is Pete Sampras, a follow-up question will put them to the test. You could ask them, “Why Pete Sampras? What made him special? Which match of his do you remember best?”

A real Sampras fan can answer these three questions in a heartbeat (and you should be adequately prepared to answer them too, if you’re using this technique). Someone who mirrors you mechanically without the requisite knowledge generally won’t be able to hack it. Even follow-up questions can’t give us a hundred percent certainty. The manipulator could just be well prepared, or they might know their way around the subject by chance and have a suitable answer at the ready. But many tricksters can be exposed by follow-up questions. An otherwise shrewd manipulator can be undone by a smart question if they’re not well enough prepared. “Oh, you like chess too! Brilliant! How do you usually respond to the Sicilian Defense…?” If we know in advance that we are going to meet a particular person, the internet makes our lives a whole lot easier. A quick search for our “victim” on LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google and so on will instantly shed light on their passions, hobbies, and recent activities. Obviously, make sure you don’t stick your neck out too far. But don’t worry: if you dig yourself into a hole, you’ve always got the seven tricks on seeming confident when you haven’t got a clue up your sleeve! OceanofPDF.com

4. Telling the Perfect Lie The truth is not always beautiful. Beautiful words are not always true. Laotse How many lies do people tell every day? Two? Two hundred? There’s no clear answer, other than that we all tell tales. To varying degrees. It follows that people who want to impress others are less likely to serve up the (whole) truth. And those who have nothing to prove to their friends, colleagues and themselves feel less need to lie. But who can truly say that of themselves? If you tell the occasional lie anyway, why not perfect the art? Here are my tips and tricks for telling the two main types of lie: untruths and half-truths. Telling the Perfect Lie, Part 1: Untruths Some lies get busted, others remain undiscovered for our whole lives. The outcome simply depends on how good a liar you are. These are the most important two factors to take care of: Factor 1: Composed Body Language and Tone of Voice Inconsistencies between body language, tone of voice and content are a sign that someone is fibbing. We can usually

control our words better than our emotions, which involuntarily manifest themselves in our body language and tone of voice. This is precisely why we trust body language and tone of voice more than the literal meaning of someone’s words. If someone makes sudden movements or their voice unexpectedly wobbles; if they constantly look away while speaking, although they usually maintain eye contact; in other words, if they don’t have their body language and tone of voice under control as they lie, and depart from their usual manner of speaking – then they will generally attract suspicion. Before asking a defendant a particularly juicy question, interrogation experts first determine the so-called baseline (the normal behavior or standard body language pattern) of a suspect. Frequent blinking or extreme eye contact can just be normal habits – behaviors that a person also exhibits when they’re telling the truth. So, interrogators will first ask the suspect their name, address, occupation, marital status and so on. Once the interrogator has established what the suspect’s standard body language looks like, they will start asking the important questions: Where were you that night? Do you have an alibi? And they will pay close attention to whether the suspect’s body language deviates from their baseline as they answer – which would be a strong indication of a lie (common stress signals include faster breathing, blushing, biting their lip, flinching, rubbing their thighs or wringing their hands, shifting their feet, freezing, holding eye contact, speaking in a high-pitched voice, and rushing their answers). The more signals the suspect gives

off with their altered body language, the more likely it is that they are lying. The perfect fraudster will be fully aware of their own baseline behavior – and when they lie, they will not permit themselves to deviate. Unfortunately, there’s one further detail that can put even the best liars in a tight spot: so-called micro-expressions, which are mostly uncontrollable, involuntary, fleeting facial responses, which last a fraction of a second and can’t ordinarily be suppressed. With the help of slow-motion cameras, body language experts can expose liars on video recordings with a fairly high level of accuracy. But don’t worry: most people don’t notice micro- expressions at all, and many don’t even know they exist, so normal body language that doesn’t deviate from your individual baseline will usually do the trick. Two world experts on body language, Paul Ekman and Maureen O’Sullivan, launched the “Wizards Project” a few years back, studying how easily people can detect liars. From the 20,000 people tested to date, only 50 (0.25 percent) were able to detect lies from micro-expressions and other such clues.17 Factor 2: Perfect Preparation If you want to become a flawless liar – a tough nut to crack even for the smartest and most experienced human lie detectors – then take note of these ten top tips: 1. First things first, don’t hesitate while answering, or the other person will smell a rat.

2. Don’t volunteer too many details. Liars tend to say too much in an attempt to avoid further questioning. So only go into detail if you’re asked. 3. Don’t react too emotionally. Honest people can stay totally relaxed. Negative emotions are signs of stress, and stress invites suspicion. 4. Prepare yourself well enough that you could tell your whole story backwards. This will guarantee that you’re really on top of it. 5. Always use first person pronouns like “I”, “me”, “mine” and so on. Liars often hide behind impersonal language, in a subconscious attempt to distance themselves from their own statements. 6. Answer the actual question – liars often make no direct reference to the question asked, going off on tangents instead. 7. Avoid expressions like “to be honest”, “frankly” and the like. Only liars feel the need to convince people with these rather blatant credibility clichés. 8. Memorize exactly what you’ve said to a particular person. They may well ask you about it again three weeks later. And if you tell several people slightly different versions of your story, remember exactly who got which variation. If your memory isn’t the best, write it down. 9. Speak in short sentences. Complex sentence structures can be a clue that you’ve prepared your story and learnt it off by heart. 10. And last, but not least: rehearse your lie out loud – and make sure you tell it in your normal way, in your normal voice (the buzzword here is “baseline”). In

other words, keep a check on your body language and tone of voice as you practice. And so the circle is complete. Telling the Perfect Lie, Part 2: Half-Truths Half-truths are cunning as hell. They come in three different forms. A statement can be half true and half false (Version 1). Or it can be completely true, but a piece of relevant information is withheld from the “victim” – presenting a distorted picture that can be used to manipulate them (Version 2). Or you can use ambiguous terms that could be construed in several different ways – and lead them up the garden path (Version 3). Here are some examples. Half-Truth Version 1: Half Truth, Half Lie Let’s take a familiar real-world example. Imagine that a woman called Emily has been cheating on her husband. Normally she comes home from work at around 7 pm. But on this particularly stressful Thursday (Emily had a project to finish and spent all day working on it) she only gets home at 10 pm. However, she actually left work at 5.30 pm to go to see her lover Matthew – and only returned home afterwards. Her faithful husband Robert asks her why she’s so late back. She replies, “There was so much to get through at work today. I had a project to finish and have only just got it all done. I was as quick as I could be, honey!” It’s true that Emily had a project to finish. But it’s a plain lie that it took her until 10 pm. Here, then, truth and lies are intertwined. It’s plausible enough to the gullible

Robert, if Emily often works irregular hours depending on her workload, and doesn’t always call to let him know when she’ll be home. Half-Truth Version 2: Half Truth, Half Left Unsaid Our second option is even more cunning. Here, we say only the truth – and nothing but the truth. We don’t lie. Not explicitly, at least. But a crucial piece of information is left out. In this scenario, Emily answers her husband’s question of why she’s late home as follows: “There was loads to do in the office today. We had to finalize a project – and it took the whole day.” The trick here is that she really was working against the clock. The project really did take “the whole day” (that is, the whole working day until 5.30 pm). Every word is true. It’s just that Emily has glossed over the other, more relevant half of the story. Half-Truth Version 3: Half Truth, Cloaked in Ambiguity History serves up one of the best examples of the third type of half-truth. Bill Clinton, who had an affair with the White House intern Monica Lewinsky, gave an explanation in 1998 at a press conference (at which point nothing had been proved): “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time; never. These allegations are false.”18 The phrase “sexual relations” is ambiguous, of course. And that was exactly what crafty old Bill was taking advantage of. Because what took place between the two of them – as it

later emerged at his impeachment trial – was not sex in the traditional sense, but “only” oral sex. The fascinating thing is that parts of the US population genuinely don’t view this as “sex” – so as far as they were concerned, Clinton hadn’t lied. It was a masterclass in half-truth. (Incidentally, around six months later Bill Clinton said that his remarks at the time [regarding “sexual relations”] were “legally accurate” – as he so beautifully put it – but that his relationship with Lewinsky was “inappropriate”.) But let’s return to our Emily. What could she say to this effect, to prevent her affair being discovered? It could be as simple as this: “There was loads to do at work today: we had a project to finish – and I got back as soon as I could.” Her husband will understand that she got back from work as soon as she could, not from her lover’s. And as far as she’s concerned, she can still look at herself in the mirror, because she’s told the truth. Some people condemn liars – but hiding behind ambiguities never seems to worry them so much… Note: Careful choice of words can significantly increase your credibility. What if you don’t want to manipulate people into compliance, but would rather do it by brute force? Turn over to find out how! OceanofPDF.com

5. Forcing People into Agreement Not believing in force is the same as not believing in gravity. Leon Trotsky In liberal democracies like ours, the use of force is only legal in exceptional circumstances. But who needs physical violence when we can use potent psychological tricks to force people into agreement? Here are five of the best. Trick 1: The Fait Accompli The first neat psychological technique for forcing people into agreement is the “fait accompli”. This is French for an “accomplished fact”. A done deal. Most people don’t question “facts” – and let themselves be coerced into agreement when something is supposedly already done. Just this week, I’ve already encountered this technique twice. On Tuesday, a coaching client – let’s call him Greg – enthusiastically told me that his fifteen-year-old daughter was coming for a coaching session with me at the weekend, to learn how to argue. I was puzzled: what kind of fifteen- year-old wants to master the art of argument? I’ve got nothing against teenagers. But I cautiously inquired how the girl had got into it. And Greg replied, “I

gave her five hours of coaching for her birthday. So now she’s got to make use of them!” Needless to say, Greg saw himself as honest, generous, and innocent of underhand tactics – like so many others. When I pointed out his (unwitting) manipulation of his daughter, he used his noble intentions to justify himself. He was only trying to do a good thing for his daughter! A few days later, she turned up for our first session. No hint of a smile. No interest in learning how to argue. She had simply been cornered by her father. Later in the week, my parents tried a fait accompli on me too. They wanted to visit me in Munich over the weekend. We agreed on two or three days. I’d explained that I had a book deadline fast approaching, and any longer than that would make things very difficult. But that evening, my father called me and said, “Good news! I found train tickets from Osnabrück to Munich for only 29 Euros. So we’re coming on Monday and staying till next Monday! I’ve just bought the tickets for me and your mother.” Nice try! Presenting the ticket purchase as a fait accompli – that would have worked on me fifteen years ago. But I’m wise to it nowadays. When someone tries this trick on you, you have two options. First, you can challenge whether the “fact” really is accomplished. Often the deal is not yet actually done. Or it can still be amended. Second, you can simply refuse. No one can physically force you into agreement. The fifteen- year-old could thank her father, and tell him she has no interest in learning how to argue. And just not show up.