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THEPATHBETWEEN US AN ENNEAGRAM JOURNEY TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS SUZANNE STABILE



CONTENTS Introduction page 1 8 9 1Vulnerability Is Risking Con ict ings CouldNot Weakness for Connection Always Be Better 7 2 Learning Your Feelingsfrom the Dark or Mine? 6 3Question Being Everyone but MyselfEverything 4 5 Go Away But My Fences Don’t Leave Have Gates Conclusion page 211 Further Reading page 223 Notes page 233



INTRODUCTIONMy husband, Joseph Stabile (whom I call Giuseppe) is thebest person I know, and we’ve shared life for more than thirtyyears. He’s good all the way through. And yet, there are timeswhen he does (or doesn’t do) things that leave me wonderingif I will ever fully understand his way of being in the world. A few years ago, as we headed home on a flight from NewYork to Dallas, we were seated somewhere near the middle ofthe main cabin watching strangers as they looked for a placeto put their luggage in the already full over-head bins. Thelast couple to board was a gentle looking older man was car-rying his suitcase in front of his body, peeking around it fre-quently to check for empty seats. His wife followed closebehind,keeping her eyes on him and looking a little frightened.There was a lot going on. There were no two seats together.The suitcase would not fit under the seat and there was nospace overhead. The flight attendant tried to get their at-tention. but neither one responded. As I watched it was clearthey didn’t speak English. The flight attendant managed the

2 The Path Bet ween Ussituation the way many of us would—by talking louder butstill in English. Well, I thought, Giuseppe could help in this mess—he’sbi-lingual. I nudged him, pointed out the obvious communi-cation problem, and encouraged him to help by translatingfor the flight attendant and the couple. But Giuseppe insisted that if we weren’t there, the flightattendant would figure it out. And he was right. She took thegentleman’s suitcase to the front. Someone graciously gaveup their seat so the couple could sit together. And myhusband, who heretofore was “the best person I know,” wascontent as we prepared for take-off. Everyone was really okayexcept for me. I can communicate really well verbally, but I’m no slouchwhen it comes to non-verbal communication. Giuseppe knewthat all was not well in his world, because all was not wellwith me. He’s never one to work out things in public, and I’mnot one who usually lets things go. So, we both knew it wasjust a matter of time. We got home, settled in, went to bed, and greeted the nextday, each of us with a full schedule.That night at dinner, I said,“You know that I think you are the best human being on theplanet. And that’s still true. But I want you to explain to mewhy you wouldn’t help those poor people on the plane, whenthey obviously need a translator?” “Honestly,” he said, “it never occurs to me that I should

Introduction 3help. I see that they are struggling, but I just don’t think aboutgetting involved.” “That’s why God gave you me! I always know who needshelp, and I usually know what they need. But I’m not alwaysequipped to offer assistance.” This story, and a thousand more like it, are the reason Iwrote this book. When it comes to relationships, in the onesthat really matter and even the ones that don’t, so muchhappens that requires translation. English to Spanish, or thereverse, is one way to translate, but the Enneagram tells usthat translation is also needed among the nine personalitytypes who see the world in very different ways. When youcombine those nine ways in the context of relationships, allkinds of things can happen—some great and some not sogreat and some just tragic. I wrote this book to help you usethe Enneagram to give you insight and some tools for growthand transformation. As I’ve learned in my own life and inteaching thousands of people over the years, the Enneagramis really good for that. THE BEAUTY OF THE ENNEAGRAMI am what is often called “a people person.” Quite frankly Ifind other people fascinating and I like them. Almost all ofthem. I like to talk to them and shake hands or hug or patthem on the back. And, at the same time, every person I knowis a mystery to me. Not so much in how they appear, though

4 The Path Bet ween Usthat in itself is miraculous. We all look different! But thething I find captivating is that we all behave so differently.Like me, you’ve been in the airport, or the grocery store, orthe mall watching other people as they go about their livesand more times than not, someone does something thatmakes you think, or say out loud, I would never do that!The Enneagram teaches us that there are nine differentways of experiencing the world. In response to life we all seemto struggle with three basic questions. Who am I? Why am Ihere? And why do I do the things I do?We are all unique, and yet we are like millions of otherpeople in so many ways. For some, uniqueness is a badge ofWe all want to belong. honor. For others, it is a painful dif-And we all want our ferentiation that makes them feellives to have meaning. like outsiders. We all know, by our early twenties, that we like somepeople and we don’t connect with others. Men and womenwatching an event at the same time, in the same place, maynot agree on what they’ve seen. And what is good advice forone person can be disastrous for another.In my experience, there are two things we all have incommon. We all want to belong. And we all want our lives tohave meaning. Both depend on our gifts for building andmaintaining relationships with people who are like us, andmore often with people who are not. Those gifts vary signifi-cantly from one Enneagram number to another. In this book

Introduction 5I will offer you some of what I know about how each of thenine Enneagram numbers sees the world, how they makesense of what they see, and how they decide what to do. Ofcourse, it won’t be quite that tidy because this is a book aboutrelationships. We all know that when we interact with otherpeople things get unpredictable and messy. Every person Iknow lives life well at times, which includes being good toother people. And those same people get it wrong. The goodnews is: with the help of the Enneagram, we can all do better. THE NUMBERSIf you’ve studied the Enneagram, you know something abouteach of the nine numbers, but here’s a short summary of thebasics. Each of the following chapters of course goes intomuch greater detail about each one—its dynamics, its limita-tions in relationships, its growth opportunities, and its waysof interacting with other numbers—but this section providesa brief refresher before you dive into the rest of the book.8S are called the Boss or the Challenger.They are independentthinkers who tend to see everything in extremes; good or bad,right or wrong, friend or foe.They have more energy than anynumber, and they respect people who are willing to go all out,giving everything they have to what they are doing or whatthey believe in. In a relationship with an Eight you need tobe empowered in your own life.

6 The Path Bet ween Us9S are called the Peacemaker or the Mediator. They want toavoid conflict and being affected by life. Nines set aside theirown needs and their own agendas so they are free to mergewith other people. In relationships, they are loyal and theylike to be close, but they take a long time to make decisionsand are prone to procrastination. What you see is usuallywhat you get.The best part of Nines is that they see two sidesto everything, and that’s also the worst thing about Nines.1S are called the Perfectionist, but they don’t want to be. Theystruggle with anger but they turn it in on themselves so itbecomes resentment. Because of a constant inner critical voicethat finds fault with everything they do, Ones have a hardtime believing that they are good enough or worthy, so theysettle for being right or correct. In relationships, they expecteveryone else to strive as diligently for perfection as they do.2S are called the Helper or the Giver.They need to be needed.Twos give a lot, sometimes for altruistic reasons and some-times in order to get others to give to them, though it isusually an unconscious motivation. When Twos enter a roomtheir attention automatically turns to: How are you doing?What do you need? How can I be helpful?3S are called the Performer. They need to see themselves andbe seen as successful. They use feelings when they take inwhat’s happening around them, but they quickly set themaside because feelings block efficiency and effectiveness, and

Introduction 7both are really important to Threes. Threes have troublereading feelings, their own and others.’ And they can, and do,hide anger, fear, sadness, disappointment, embarrassment andmore, until they are alone to deal with them.4S are the most complex number on the Enneagram. Calledthe Romantic, they need to be unique and authentic at thesame time. Fours are the people we know who believe some-thing is missing in their lives and they don’t believe they willbe okay until they find it. Fours are comfortable with melan-choly and they often get energy from what is tragic.They longto be known and understood. And they are the only numberon the Enneagram that can bear witness to pain withouthaving to fix it.5S are called the Observer or the Investigator. They want tohave adequate resources so they never have to depend onsomeone else. They have a limited, measured amount ofenergy for every day so they are careful what they offer toothers and when.They struggle with fear, so they like control.Their way of controlling is through gathering informationand knowledge. And for them the inner life is very sustaining.They are the most emotionally detached of all the numbers.They are good listeners and they are the only number on theEnneagram that is capable of true neutrality. It is extremelybrave of them to show up for relationships because it coststhem more than any other number.

8 The Path Bet ween Us6S are called the Loyalist. They need to feel secure andcertain. For them the world is full of threats, and people havehidden agendas. And they have a lot of anxiety about possiblefuture events. They manage that anxiety with worst case sce-nario planning and they like order and rules and plans andthe law. They don’t want or need to be the star. They do theirpart and hope everyone else will too. With their loyalty andsteadfastness, they are the glue that holds together all of theorganizations we treasure and belong to.7S are called the Epicure or the Enthusiast. They take de-light in the best and most possibilities. They need to avoidpain, and they can quickly reframe any negative into a pos-itive. For Sevens life is to be experienced and enjoyed. Rep-etition is not desirable and routine is kind of a turn off. Theyare masters of denial and they handle fear by diffusing it.Sevens fool themselves into believing they have a full rangeof emotions, when in fact they live most of life on the happyside. Relationships have to grow and change to accom-modate the Seven’s need for novelty and adventure. THE ENNEAGRAM SYSTEMThe Enneagram is unique in what it offers as we make ourway from who we are to who we hope to be. Unlike othersystems, the Enneagram is not static. We move throughhealthy, average and unhealthy behavior as we try to better

Introduction 9understand ourselves and others. We intuitively, and some-times intentionally, follow the lines on the Enneagram,picking up behavior patterns that don’t come naturally to usbut that serve us well. And by the time we reach mid-life thenumbers on either side of our core number offer us muchneeded balance. As you begin the journey on The Path Between Us, here’s anoverview of the dynamics of the Enneagram that will behelpful to you in understanding each number, including theway they move and shift.Triads. Within the system of the Enneagram there arethree ways of meeting the world, and the nine numbers groupinto one of those three ways, which are called triads. Twos,Threes, and Fours are part of the Heart Triad; Fives, Sixes,and Sevens are part of the Head Triad; and Eights, Nines,and Ones are part of the Gut Triad. Your triad is determinedby which of the three Centers of Intelligence (Feeling,Thinking or Doing) is dominant, that is, which one you turnto first when you encounter information or situations. For theHeart Triad, feeling is dominant. For the Head Triad, thinkingis dominant. For the Gut Triad, doing is dominant.Wings, Stress, and Security. Each Number on the En-neagram has a dynamic relationship with four other Numbers.Each Number “touches” the two on either side as well as thetwo at the other ends of the arrows in the diagram above.

10 The Path Between UsThese four other Numbers can be seen as resources that giveyou access to different patterns of behavior. While your coremotivation and Number never change, your behavior can beinfluenced by and can even make you look like another ofthese Numbers. Mature students of the Enneagram can learnto move around the circle, using these four auxiliary ways ofbehaving as needed. The four dynamic Numbers are the following: Wing Numbers. These are the Numbers on either side of your Number; you may lean toward one or both. For example, a Four with a Three wing is more outgoing than a Four with a Five wing, who is more introverted and withdrawing. Stress Number. This is the number your personality draws on when you are stressed. It’s indicated by the arrow pointing away from your Number on the Enneagram di- agram above. For example, Sevens go to One in stress.They can become less easygoing and adopt more black and white thinking. Your Stress Number is not necessarily a negative move, even though it may sound that way. In fact, you need the behavior of the Number you go to in Stress to take care of yourself. Security Number. Just as you draw on the behavior of one Number when stressed, you also draw on the energy of another Number when you’re feeling secure. It is indicated by the arrow pointing toward your Number on the En-

Introduction 11 neagram diagram above. For example, Sevens go to Five when they’re feeling secure. That means they can let go of their need for excess and embrace “less is more.” Sevens need the behavior available in security to experience ho- listic healing.Stances. In the Enneagram system, a Stance is the par-ticular and typical way that a number behaves. In everydaylanguage, “stance” describes how we stand or carry ourselves.It’s much the same in the Enneagram. Stance indicates acharacteristic posture or attitude that is a habitual, pat-terned way of responding to experiences. It’s our defaultmode. In each chapter I will offer you a bit of insight as tohow the stance of the person relates to how he or she doesrelationships. The Aggressive Stance (Threes, Sevens, Eights): These people are happy to be in charge of others; they put their agendas first. They can be seen as standing indepen- dently or at times as moving against others. The Dependent Stance (Ones, Twos, Sixes): These people are very concerned with others’ expectations; they are loyal and dependable. They can be seen as moving toward others. The Withdrawing Stance (Fours, Fives, Nines): These people are slow to act; they may be shy or introverted. They can be seen as moving away from others.

12 The Path Between Us A WORD OF ADVICEI know you will be tempted to go straight to the chapter thatis about your number and read that first, followed by thenumbers of the people you are closest to. I would do the samething. But after you do that, please read the whole book. It ismy hope that my work in this book will help you make all ofyour relationships better, not just a chosen few. Take to heart the instruction at the end of each chapterabout choosing something to work on and then, after a time,search the list and choose something else you can work withto enhance your encounters with other people. I hope you willbuy the study guide for The Path Between Us, too, and use it,perhaps with another person or in a group. If you haven’t read The Road Back To You, please do. It is agreat introductory Enneagram book and it will be the perfectcompanion for this book. There are two sides to everything and the Enneagram is noexception. So, I think I would be remiss if I didn’t mentionsome things we might all watch out for when applying thewisdom of the Enneagram to our relationships. It is important to remember that the Enneagram is not astatic system. We are all moving up and down from healthy,through average, to unhealthy and back again. It is my expe-rience that most of us spend most of our time somewhere inthe high-average range. We often respond to life from ahealthy place, and during challenging times probably react in

Introduction 13unhealthy ways. I wrote this book with the idea that if I teachabout each number in the average to healthy range, that willbe the closest I can get to the behavior that most accuratelyrepresents how we respond to others in relationships. It is equally important to remember that there are lots ofvariations of your number. Those differences are based on: ■ Whether you are introverted or extroverted ■ Whether you are, in that moment, in healthy, average or unhealthy space ■ Whether or not you are social, one-to-one focused, or self-preserving ■ Whether your orientation to time is the present, the past, or the future ■ How long you’ve known the Enneagram and other tools that you have for personal and spiritual growth Since we are talking about relationships, there are a few keyinterpersonal principles to keep in mind as you read. First,please don’t use you Enneagram number as an excuse for yourbehavior. Second, don’t use what you’ve learned about theother numbers to make fun of, criticize or in any way disre-spect them. Ever. Third, it would be great if you would spendyour energy observing and working on yourself as opposed toobserving and working on others. And finally, I hope you willshare my desire going forward that we will all grow in our

14 The Path Between Usability to accept, love, and walk beside one another with loadsof compassion and respect. IT’S WORTH THE WORKRecently Giuseppe and I were on a flight from Dallas toRichmond, Virginia, and were seated in the second exit row.In the row in front of and across from us, the flight attendantwas asking a passenger if he spoke English. When he said,“No,” she asked again. And again, he shook his head and said“No.” She continued, in English, to explain to him that hecould not sit in the exit row unless he spoke English. And hecontinued to engage with her, trying to understand what shewas saying. Just as I buckled my seatbelt, Giuseppe unbuckled his. Hestepped over me into the aisle and, in Spanish, explained tothe gentleman that he would need to trade seats with thewoman in front of him because of an airline requirement thateveryone in the exit row speak English. The gentleman got up to move. Smiling, he thanked Gi-useppe for helping him, and when my thoughtful, bi-lingualhusband returned to his seat, the woman behind us reachedover the top of her seat, patted him on the shoulder, andthanked him for being so kind and so very helpful. When we are able to see ourselves as we are, and as wecould be, it’s a beautiful thing.

8s VULNERABILITY IS NOT WEAKNESS When I received Melissa’s emailasking if we could talk about a problem she was having atwork, I suspected it would have to do with her relationshipwith a colleague at her new job. As the head of recruiting ata high-tech startup, Melissa is smart and creative and verysuccessful. She’s a good leader, but like other Eights she oftenstruggles in relationships with her co-workers, particularlystaff she inherited when she joined the company. That’s aproblem for Eights, who do their best when they can choosewho will be working with them. From earlier conversations, Iknew that Melissa would not have chosen Emily. Melissa had told me how tired she was of hearing Emilywhine about the data base system. “Instead of whining, whycan’t she just learn it!” Melissa usually worked fifty-five hoursa week and she was angry that Emily struggled to work forty,often missing work related events for her aging mother’s

16 The Path Between Usdoctor appointments, her granddaughter’s ballet recitals, andother personal conflicts. We set up a time for her to call, and when I answered, Me-lissa’s voice was loud as it often is with Eights. Like otherEights who seldom have time for, or any interest in, small talkshe jumped right in. “It’s about Emily again. We just com-pleted her six-month performance review. I started by askingher if she had anything she wanted to talk about before wediscussed her evaluation. I thought that was such a great wayto start—you know, kind of personal. “I couldn’t believe what happened next. Emily looked at meand in her shaky voice said, ‘I don’t think you respect me. Youare always so impatient and demanding. Sometimes I evenfeel bullied by you. Other people I have talked to said theyhave felt that too.’” I could tell by her tone that Melissa wasobviously still angry, but I know Eights well enough to knowshe was also hurt. I asked how she responded to Emily. “Well,” she said, “I paused and then asked some questions.” “What kind of questions?” “I wanted her to give me objective proof for her feelings,like what happened to make her feel that way. I told her I hadbeen very honest with her about my expectations and herresponsibilities. I tried to explain to her that our departmentis really important in this phase of building the business andthat we have a responsibility to recruit the right people forcrucial positions or the company will fail.”

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness 17 Melissa paused again, then asked me very sincerely, “Su-zanne, why can’t people just do their jobs?” What’s Going on Here? Which person in this story do you identify with? Why? Is Melissa a bully? Why or why not? What does Emily really want from Melissa? How would the Enneagram explain what’s happening here? Looking at the story through the lens of the Enneagram,it is about so much more than an aggressive boss and an in-timidated or ineffective employee. It’s about two people whosee the job and their working relationship—and the world—from completely different perspectives. Melissa is an Eight.Emily is not. Melissa, who thought she was strongly encour-aging Emily to fulfill her responsibilities, was blindsided byEmily’s emotional outburst. Melissa shared with me that theymanaged to finish the performance review, but she had noconfidence that things would change. (Emily eventuallyasked to be transferred.) Most Enneagram numbers broker peace with others as theygo through the day, a sort of cleaning up, while bridging emo-tional distance with a quick exchange of observations and com-pliments before they each go their own way. Unfortunately,Eights don’t feel the awkwardness that prompts this kind ofcleaning up, so they have usually moved on to the next thing.

18 The Path Between UsFor the rest of us it can feel like Eights don’t care about us, butthe fact is they aren’t thinking about us.They are thinking aboutwhat needs to be done next. In this story about Melissa and Emily, like so many storiesthat make up our days, we know what happened but we don’tknow why. That’s where the Enneagram comes in. It helps usunderstand the dynamics, motivations, and experiences of allnine numbers and their interactions and relationships withone another. THE WORLD OF EIGHTSAn Eight’s first response to anything is “What am I going todo?” And that’s a good thing, as long as they recognize thatother people may initially respond with “what do I think?’ orwhat do I feel?” That can be tricky in relationships. Eightstend to get along very well with Threes and Sevens, who arealso all about doing. All three numbers struggle with otherswho seem to be burdened by feelings or slow to respondbecause they think too long before they act. Todd Dugas, the Executive Director of a Recovery Centersaid, “I used to feel resentment toward my staff because theywere not doing their part. And then when I thought about it,I realized I never trained them or told them what I reallywanted. I just gave them the basics and expected that theywould expand on that somehow. Maybe that’s because sittingdown, interacting with them, and really having a conversation

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness 19was a struggle. I also struggled with other staff members whowere just barely doing their job. I used to get rid of thosepeople all the time.” In the context of relationships, doing as a first responseoften seems aggressive to other Enneagram numbers who aremore oriented toward thinking or feeling. Eights tend to dosomething first and then think about it. If you are a Five or aSix, for example, you probably think that’s outrageous becauseyou are so sure people need to think before they take anyaction.To you it seems irresponsible to move forward withouta process of evaluating multiple options and outcomes. Eights need to stop long enough to consider that, for some,thinking must come before acting and for others feelings de-termine what action will be taken and when. This isn’t just amatter of preference. It has to do with how we see. Taking apause is hard to do for Eights who want to have control overwhat’s happening inside of them and in the world. Some-times Eights act too quickly, leaving no room for others tooffer what they have to give. Eights don’t necessarily pay at-tention to others’ perspectives, which is always off-puttingand often feels dismissive. Even so, people still look to Eightsto make decisions and lead. If you are an Eight you need to pay attention when peoplewho are in a relationship with you can’t keep up because youare moving too quickly. They may go along, but it might bebecause they don’t think they have a choice. When that

20 The Path Between Ushappens, they resent it and sometimes they resent you. OneEight said, “The biggest misunderstandings we have at homeare centered around times when I have expectations of othersthat I haven’t clearly articulated. When they are not operatingat the same speed or intensity as I am I get really frustrated,really fast. Explaining what we are doing and why is bur-densome, and it isn’t necessary most of the time. But at timesI need to include the others in my family plan.” The truth is,when Eights choose inclusion it requires very little time andthe payoff is significant. It alleviates a lot of misunderstandingand for others it will feel like a connection.Vulnerabilit y and self-protection. Every numberavoids something—for Eights it’s vulnerability. They are de-termined to protect themselves emotionally. When they werechildren others said things like, “she’s so bossy” or “he doesn’tlisten to anybody.” But as adults others often label them asaggressive and almost immediately adopt a defensive stancein relationships with them, feeling a need to protect them-selves in some way. The irony is that Eights are doing thesame thing.They protect themselves by avoiding helplessness,weakness, and subordination. An Eight who is married and the mother of four explainedher vulnerability in her family relationships. “I will want totrust you with everything even though that is hard for me. Iwill be in your corner all the time. I will fight for you morethan I will fight with you. I will surprise you with my mushy

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness 21tears and maybe even eventually I won’t try to cover them up.I will feel angry at you when you are being angry at me, andI’ll have to work really hard to find the feelings underneaththat. I will love you beyond reason and that might scare mein the beginning.”In her now-famous TED talk on the subject, Brené Brown,a leading researcher and writer, said,“Vulnerability is the ideathat in order for connection to happen we have to allow our-selves to be seen—really seen.” Eights want to feel connectedto those who are close to them as much as any other number.But they have a big problem. One of a very few things theyare afraid of is being exposed in moments of weakness, limi-tation, or indecision. So, if Brown is right about connectiondepending on our ability to be vulnerable and being vul-nerable suggests we are willing to be seen, then motivation isvery important. I think Eights are feeling as exposed as therest of us do at times. They just express it differently.Despite their best efforts to protect themselves, Eights, likeall of us, have experiences in life that they are not preparedfor. In those times, with weak Sometimes weboundaries and feeling emotionally all need to beexposed, Eights allow us to see reminded thatthem. If only briefly, we are given an there is no givingopportunity to know them in a new without receiving.way. In such brief moments, the It’s how thingsEights in my life have taught me work.

22 The Path Between Usthat they are not intending to be aggressive. They are justtrying to protect themselves. When my daughter Joey was a little girl—six or seven yearsold—she would get up in the middle of the night to open andrewrap the Christmas packages under the tree that had hername on them. She did such a good job it took us a couple ofyears to catch on. When we talked with her about it she ex-plained that she didn’t like surprises. “When I open mypresents, I might cry or laugh or say the wrong thing. I don’tlike that. I want to know everything before it happens.” Sheis now thirty-eight and has children of her own, and she stillwants to know everything before it happens. All the otherEights I know feel the same way. If you’re an Eight it’s likely that you took responsibility foryourself and perhaps others at a very early age. In my expe-rience most Eights are old souls.They arrive on the planet withan unexpected wisdom that shows itself so gracefully you couldalmost miss it.They tell me that when they were little they werevery uncomfortable around adults and others who seemed tobe weak and half-hearted, so they made the decision to bestrong. Eights are born leaders. But there are two sides to ev-erything and their chosen strength cost them their innocence.So if you’re an Eight you will spend part of your adult life tryingto regain your ability to encounter the world without having toprotect yourself from it. As far as I can tell, the ability to do thatwill only come to you in the context of safe relationships.

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness 23 Eights abhor weakness in themselves and those close tothem, so if they can’t distinguish between being vulnerableand being weak, they end up refusing to be vulnerable. It isvery difficult to be in a relationship with someone who can’tor won’t be vulnerable. You feel like your presence doesn’tmatter, like you don’t have anything to offer, and you don’tknow what to do to be trustworthy enough. So that confusionabout weakness and vulnerability is something that you reallyneed to work on if you’re an Eight. Good, solid relationshipsthat last a lifetime are built in vulnerable times. Eights needto stay connected to others when they are down and thingsare not lining up perfectly for them. They need to learn toshare with others what means the most to them, what scaresthem, and what they consider important.Standing up for the underdog. Eights’ preoccupationwith self-protection leads them to stand up for those theybelieve can’t protect themselves. Eights are the best equippedof all Enneagram numbers to challenge oppressors andstand up for people who aren’t as strong as they are. I lovethat about the Eights I know and have seen it work, inpeople like Martin Luther King, Jr. Their concern about in-justice and their belief that they are responsible for pro-tecting the innocent is both powerful and gentle at the sametime. However, Eights often miss out on what’s in it forthem. Every gift has another side and the gift waiting forthe Eight is relational. When Eights engage with those who

24 The Path Between Usare marginalized, they need to be aware that the giving canbe mutual. When Eights are busy getting things done on behalf ofsomeone else, there’s a good chance they are solving theproblem without much social awareness. There’s a delicatebalance here that all numbers need to work on. Twos, forexample, pay too much attention to being socially aware.Social awareness is the ability to pick up on the feelings ofothers, understanding what life looks like from their point ofview.This kind of connection requires listening and observing.It’s foundational for a respectful and meaningful exchangebetween two people even if the relationship will not be on-going. Relationship is not defined by time, but by the way twoor more people are connected. Sometimes we all need to bereminded that there is no giving without receiving. It’s howthings work.Intensity and anger. In Enneagram wisdom, the Eight’spassion is lust, which is best defined as intensity. They areall-in people full of high energy and an impatient drive towardaction. When things don’t line up or obstacles appear, Eightsoften respond with anger. Paradoxically, they believe anger hasbeen helpful to them in making their way in the world, but Isuspect Eights use anger to cover softer, more tender feelings.The problem seems to be, in part, that after a time they havetrouble accessing any feelings other than anger—and that isoften detrimental to their relationships.

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness Eights and Othe2rs5 When we remember the Eight’s Be aware that the work onconcerns about appearing to be weak, your side of the fence init makes sense that they would auto- relationships is identifiable andmatically convert sadness, fear, and your responses to others canvulnerability into anger as a way of changed for the better. Someprotecting themselves. However, examples:speaking for the other numbers onthe Enneagram, Eight anger is often Sixes: You have a hard timea barrier, not a boundary. The less ag- being patient enough to waitgressive types (Two, Four, Six, Nine) for Sixes. If you listen to themtend to be guarded in their encounters and wait for a response itwith Eights, and when that happens, could be a win/win. They arethe truth and authenticity Eights are methodical so they see thingslooking for in relationships are less in real time and your focus islikely to become a reality. It is so hard usually on the future.for the rest of us to understand thatEights want us to be strong, know Nines: The relationshipwhat we want, and say what we think. between you and a Nine is fascinating when you are both Wendi, a friend who is an Eight and mature and in healthy space.an elementary school teacher, told me The Nines will need to haveabout a disagreement she had with a their own energy, agenda, andcolleague regarding the placement of understanding of what is theirskids in kindergarten and first grade to do. And you have to beclasses. Wendi thought they had willing to intentionally followreached an agreement about what their lead at times. It can be awould be best for the children and that beautiful thing. Fours: You have a difficult time being present to the mood changes of a Four. But once you learn to allow for that you may discover that Eights and Fours actually have a lot in common. You are the most intense and passionate numbers on the Enneagram. You are both committed to being honest regardless of cost. Threes and Sevens: You do really well with Threes and

26 The Path Between UsSevens. All of you think fast, the problem was solved. When shework hard, play hard, and get found out their agreement had nota lot done. None of you are been honored, she was very upset. “Iprone to tender feelings. You went straight to the other teacher’sare all oriented to the future room and confronted her. She frozeand energetic in going after it. and cried and only partly owned up toThese types will make great what she had done. I was forceful andcoworkers and colleagues. angry and unfortunately, I made no effort to calm myself before I talked toOnes: Ones are committed her. Instead, I rode down the hallwayand energetic like Eights but on my wave of righteous anger andthey don’t share the same truth ready to fight for justice for thefocus. Ones generally focus on children. My efforts were minimallythe problem, while Eights are successful, and it took a long timefocused on the solution. before the two of us could be civil again. I wasn’t wrong about herTwos and Fives: You share a making a bad decision. I don’t evenline with both Twos and Fives think I was wrong in confronting her.on the Enneagram, moving to But if I had waited and processedTwo is security and Five in what was happening in a calm andstress. As an Eight you need thoughtful way before I talked to her,tenderness, affection, and perhaps I could have presented myawareness of the feelings of thoughts and feelings in a way thatothers from Twos. You need a she could hear them. And if not, thenFive’s ability to move slowly, at least I wouldn’t have to reexaminegathering necessary my behavior afterwards. I’m learninginformation before acting. Andfrom Five space you canappreciate times when neutral-ity is of value.

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness 27to stop and think before I go talk to anyone when I am angry.I want to be respected and seen as level-headed and smart andwise and mature. Overreacting leaves me in a place of feelinglike I need to justify my behavior.” Wendi paused, then saidwith a smile, “However, I must admit, it was very satisfying inthe moment.” It takes time and awareness and intention for Eights torecognize, feel, and then name their feelings. The problem isthat lust/intensity and anger masquerade as expressions ofdeeper emotions so Eights are fooled into believing that theyare in touch with their feelings when that is often far fromthe truth.Disconnection from feelings. It is important to un-derstand that Eights substitute intensity for other feelingslike joy or sadness or vulnerability or embarrassment. Thetruth is, Eights have an abundance of passion for everythingand nothing in particular. And, at the same time they dis-connect from softer, more tender feelings—both theirs andothers.’ I think if Eights can observe themselves, they willfind that getting closer to tender feelings like hurt or fearelicits a consistent and quick response of decisive action. OnceEights begin to act, they feel strong again and any sense ofweakness or dependence is alleviated. The problem is thatrelationships thrive on inter-dependence which can be un-derstood as a frequent but unplanned exchange of power be-tween people who are in relation to one another.

28 The Path Between Us The illusion of control is shattered when Eights are con-fronted with feelings they can’t repress. We’ve all seen it. Adisplay of deep affection for someone close who is bothfragile and strong. A love for one whose life is marginalizedbut whose response is not. A love for another who overcomesindescribable odds with regularity and without comment. Idon’t think Eights are afraid to feel. I think they’re afraid theirfeelings will be betrayed.Fear of betrayal. In my workshops, Eights talk a lotabout being betrayed, and it often includes naming some ofthe people who have been disloyal to them. I listened toEights tell those stories about betrayal for a long time beforeI began to say things like, “I wouldn’t call that betrayal. Don’tyou think it could have been a mistake?” Or “I think that wasa poor choice, but I wouldn’t call it betrayal.”When I reframethese things for Eights, they seem surprised. It doesn’t occurto them that what they experience as betrayal might be some-thing else, or might be very different if viewed from the otherperson’s point of reference. One afternoon at a family birthday party, which included19 of us—with all Enneagram numbers represented—I hada chance to talk about betrayal with Joey, our resident Eight.Sitting side by side, feet in the swimming pool with refreshingbeverages in hand, I asked her to explain betrayal to me fromher perspective. Her answer was simple.“I experience betrayalevery day because people who don’t know me and then feed

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness 29that judgment with their own feelings without ever makingan effort to know me or connect with me in any way. STRESS AND SECURITYOne of the strengths of the Enneagram is that it’s not staticlike so many other systems of its kind, and yet it’s pre-dictable. Depending on where someone is on his or her ownjourney, and the way circumstances unfold, each number canbe in the healthy, average, or unhealthy range. When Eightsare at their best (healthy) in relationships they are positive,playful and generous. They can be very accepting and willingto hang in there with whatever is going on. In this spacethey are committed and truthful and supportive of others aslong as the other is committed to success and doing his orher best.At their most unhealthy, Eights are combative and pos-sessive and arrogant and uncompromising and quick to findfault. One of my students who is an What we see, andEight explained that neediness from the way we see,her children is one of the things that also determinessets her off: “I tell my kids, get it to- what we miss.gether, guys. You are better than this.I didn’t get four degrees to do your laundry. I’m raising men,not weak little boys. Take care of yourself !” Eights, you canlearn to recognize that neediness in children, and sometimesin adults, is usually a reach for connection. It would be a wise

30 The Path Between Uspractice for you to watch for that attempt to connect andrespond by reaching back.Enneagram wisdom teaches us that we all have the sameinitial response to stress.We exaggerate average behavior in ournumber. Excess in any number is not a good thing.That meansEights in stress respond with aggression, intensity, and palpableself-assurance. One of the most helpful things I’ve learned inin my efforts to understand Eights is that their identified de-fense mechanism is denial of the feelings that crop up fromtime to time. It causes Eights to work harder and do more,when what they need to do is stop.I think it’s fair to say that what most of us consider stressful—deadlines, confrontations, arguments, crises, others’ prob-lematic behavior, anything where events seem to be spinningout of control—Eights experience as comfortable. They waderight into situations like these with excitement and resolve.One Eight explained, “I walk in like the Terminator, lookingto identify friendly and not friendly. Friend or Foe. Who is8 Eights in against me? Who is for me? an average That’s how I protect myself. Ior below space want to look the part so nobodymay be tempted can control me. When I put onto get even with my highest heels, I’m 6’1, so Ipeople who have can look down physically ontreated them or everyone in the room.”others unjustly. For the sake of our relation-

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness 31ships it’s important to acknowledge that some, perhaps most,Eights actually believe they can change reality to conform totheir way of seeing things. Now as you’re reading this, don’t sayto yourself “that’s crazy!” Remember Eights think your way ofseeing and doing things is crazy too. That’s one of the reasonswe need the Enneagram.Eights deny their own limits, which is why they’re eitherall in or not in at all.Unfortunately, without Enneagram knowledge or somelife experience they deny others’ Most numbers onlimits too. Many Eights even deny the Enneagramthat there are limits. The stress this don’t likecauses takes its toll on them and on confrontation.their relationships with others.In stressful situations, male Eights simply refuse to stop.They expect more and more from themselves and from others.Anyone who can’t keep up is suspect. They are often de-manding and exasperated with those who aren’t moving attheir pace. If you live with or work with an Eight then youknow their anger can fill a room. It’s daunting for peoplewho are new to the experience. When male Eights fail, asthey will at some point, they sometimes retreat but moreoften they keep going. I’ve heard lots of stories from maleEights who have been diagnosed with stress-related illnesseslike heart attacks and strokes because they couldn’t acceptthat there is a time and a place for stopping. If you are an

32 The Path Between UsEight you have to learn that there are limits and that youhave limitations. When female Eights are highly stressed, they are bossy andstrident. Their anger is unmistakable and they refuse to beappeased. But unlike their male counterparts, when theyeventually hit the wall, they slide down it, cry for a while, andgo to bed. If they are fairly healthy they might take their leavewith a word about returning. If not, they leave no doubt inanyone’s mind that they are angry and that they will be un-available for an undisclosed amount of time. Eights go to Five in stress, which means they withdraw.That’s a good thing. It offers space to think things through andre-engage with life and others from a better place.When Eightsare feeling secure they have access to some Two energy andbehavior. That too is good because in this space they connectemotionally with others in a way that allows for an exchange ofsome tenderness that is often covered up by aggression. LIMITATIONS IN RELATIONSHIPSIt would be a misunderstanding to think that Eights don’tdesire and value relationships—they do. But they don’t need orhave time for many,so they aren’t usually friends with coworkers.They’re collegial and good team players, but meaningful socialconnections are usually lived out in other areas of their lives. Eights prefer a few friendships with people who value in-dependence. To be friends with an Eight you will need to be

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness 33trustworthy and safe, and the relationship needs to be reliablebut free of expectations. One of my apprentices says, “I justcan’t be friends with someone who jumps from a bridge inorder to feel like they belong to a group of people who decidethat jumping off a bridge is a good idea. And it is literallyimpossible for me to have a meaningful relationship withsomeone who doesn’t have the self-confidence to stand upfor themselves.”Many Eights experience a lack of balance that is the resultof an overemphasis on doing and thinking and an uncon-scious habit of ignoring feelings—theirs and others.’ Jeff isone of my students who told me a story about how a focuson doing and thinking cost him dearly. As the oldest of threeboys and the only Eight in his family, Jeff was well suited formaking decisions for his parents as they aged, but he didn’tnecessarily want to do it alone. He wanted his brothers to beinvolved, but as time passed Jeff had more and more respon-sibility and they had less. He assumed they couldn’t orwouldn’t do what needed to be 8Eights havedone and ended up having hismother move in with him after good boun­her health declined. daries for protecting their After his mother’s death, fol- own space, butlowing the well-established may be unawarefamily pattern, Jeff handled ev- that they areerything. Jeff chose the funeral getting into others’ business.

34 The Path Between Ushome and casket, wrote the obituary for the newspapers, andgave the eulogy. After the service, Jeff ’s twelve-year-olddaughter asked why he never cried. In that moment ofendings and beginnings and vulnerability, Jeff gathered herup and hugged her fiercely. But he couldn’t tell her what hebelieved to be true: if he had let his emotions take over, therewould have been no one to do what needed to be done inburying his mother. I think many Eights live a lifetime of thiskind of experience. The truth is, what we see, and the way we see, also deter-mines what we miss. I’m convinced that Eights have no ideahow their unwillingness to be vulnerable affects other people.Eights don’t know that their take-charge aggressiveness makesothers feel like their presence is not important or unneeded.They don’t know others may be left feeling like they don’t haveanything to offer. They don’t realize that many of us take theirlack of vulnerability to mean they don’t trust us with who theyreally are, warts and all. Long-term, committed relationshipsare built, in part, by walking beside someone, neither leadingnor following, in celebration and suffering.The need for protection and control. It’s good forEights to be aware that they are leading most of the time. Ifyou’re an Eight, it’s very likely you will be “in charge” no matterwhere you are or who you’re with. So, it’s important for you toremember that relationships are built on mutuality and collabo-ration,and both are hard to come by when you fail to be mindful.

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness 35 One of my favorite people, writer and pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber, once told me about how she had to be mindful ofhow much weight her opinion carries in her work withmembers of her congregation at House for All Sinners andSaints. “The way the church runs, we don’t have a committeesystem . . . so everything is sort of ‘opt in.’ I’ll say, ‘Whowants to have a liturgy guild meeting for Ash Wednesdayand the Sundays in Lent?’ And whoever shows up is theliturgy guild that day. But in order for it to work, I have tobe willing to let go of two things, which are control andpredictability. You can’t predict who will come . . . or ifanyone will come. And I have to let go of control, meaningI have to allow them to participate. So, it’s a very particulartype of leadership and it’s not ‘anything goes,’ so I’m stillleading. I’m still holding that space. But, if somebody has anidea I have to check in with myself and I have to check inwith the room. And I have to do it honestly. And I have todo it quickly. . . . In a lot of Christian settings, a lot of badideas happen because we just ‘nice’ each other to death.Nobody wants to say, ‘oh that might not work for us.’ Butthere’s a way to do it with kindness . . . I have to be respon-sible with the fact that my voice has a lot of weight. And ittakes a bit of self-awareness, and I don’t always do it right,but that’s the stuff that ends up being hard. But if you doenough of your work you can manage it. You’re not going torun rough shod over everyone.”

36 The Path Between Us I’m pretty sure Eights think they are protecting themselvesby being in charge. However, being the one who leads andcontrols and makes decisions in a relationship is isolating. And,it keeps Eights from learning to handle surprises that life in-evitably brings. It’s important to note that we all protect our-selves from certain things. Nines protect themselves from con-flict. Sevens are very conscientious about avoiding pain, andFours are diligent in their concern about abandonment. Eightsare committed to protecting themselves from unexpected emo-tions, but as you can see with Nadia’s story, Eights can learn tonot to “run roughshod over everyone.” THE PATH TOGETHEREights are demonstrably clear about how they will relateto others. If you watch them, it’s obvious who does andwho does not have access to their softer, more tender side.My daughter, Joey, gave me a very clear statement of theEight view of her world at work, a view, by the way, thatshe doesn’t think needs to be softened in any way. It’s herEight reality. Cupping her hands, she explains, “I only have this much ‘warm and fuzzy’ in me. That is absolutely it. There is no more. Ever. Most of that goes to my husband and my sons. Whatever I have left over goes to making authentic personal connections with prospective clients. I do not inquire about your personal life, and, if you’ll notice I

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness 37 have not shared details about mine. We are here to do a very specific job. I come to work every day to do the job that I have been tasked to do, and I place great impor- tance on doing that job well. If you can put your energy into doing your job well, we can enjoy the camaraderie of effort well made, together. If not, I have nothing to share with you. I have friends. I do not come to work to explore a friendship with you.” Though it will be counter intuitive, it is vital for Eights torealize that bringing your feelings into balance as you en-counter others will be beneficial to you and those in relationto you. Because your feelings have not made a regular ap-pearance in your arsenal for taking on the world, they are oneof the purest parts of your being. Allowing yourself to stopand consider how you feel about a situation and taking thosefeelings into consideration before doing, will serve you well asyou make your way on this fantastic Enneagram journey.

RELATIONSHIPS for EIGHTSAfter all is said and done . . .One of the greatest gifts of the Enneagram is that it teaches us what we can have,what we can’t have, and what we just have to accept and allow. For Eights, forexample, everyone else can’t be as strong as you are. Here are some other things tokeep in mind as an Eight.You can . . . ཛྷཛྷ If you are an Eight manager, you can hire people who are aggressive, and remember you will always have to work with people who are not. ཛྷཛྷ Be in leadership positions if you have people who are willing to follow you—and that requires respecting how they see the world. ཛྷཛྷ Realize that while you can lead and make plans, you can’t control the outcomes. ཛྷཛྷ Learn the value of moderation, collaboration, and patience—and cultivate the self-awareness to practice them. ཛྷཛྷ Protect yourself emotionally, remembering that you can’t avoid vulnerability.But you can’t . . . ཛྷཛྷ Be fully heard without giving consideration to the other eight ways of receiving information. ཛྷཛྷ Avoid or deny vulnerability and be successful in relationships. ཛྷཛྷ Always lead; you must find your place so you can learn to follow another leader gracefully. ཛྷཛྷ Affect the world without being affected by it. ཛྷཛྷ Solve every problem with action and strength. ཛྷཛྷ Share feelings you haven’t experienced.So you’ll need to accept that . . . ཛྷཛྷ You’re not always right. ཛྷཛྷ You can’t guarantee the outcome, but you can learn to accept it. ཛྷཛྷ You thrive on stress, but other people don’t. ཛྷཛྷ There’s something bigger than yourself to focus on.

RELATIONSHIPS with EIGHTSThe main thing to keep in mind in relationship with an Eight is that their aggression isnot personal. An Eight would not intend to hurt you. To be honest, they don’t thinkabout you enough to make a plan to hurt you in some way. That would make no senseto them. Remember Eights need care, too. We seem to be unaware of the needs of peoplewho are strong and assertive, as Eights tend to be. Here are some additional ways you can build better relationships with the Eightsin your life: ཛྷཛྷ If you don’t stand up for yourself, if you are not forthcoming, if you fail to be honest, and if you are indirect, then you are invisible to Eights. ཛྷཛྷ Don’t beat around the bush. Eights want communication to be brief, straightforward, and truthful. ཛྷཛྷ Be aware that Eights are controlling in relationships simply because they don’t want to be controlled. ཛྷཛྷ Bring your best effort to anything you do. Do what you say you will do and let them know you are all in—or not. ཛྷཛྷ Eights don’t like it when you talk behind their back—and they don’t understand why you would. Given the opportunity, they would say to you; “Why would you tell somebody else what you think about me? Tell me. I can handle it.” ཛྷཛྷ If Eights are not happy with you, they tell you. If they don’t tell you, but seem a little distant, it most likely has nothing to do with you. ཛྷཛྷ Acknowledge the contributions the Eights make, but don’t flatter them because they neither trust nor need flattery. ཛྷཛྷ Encourage Eights to exercise regularly. A good exercise program uses up some of their excess energy. ཛྷཛྷ Be aware that Eights sometimes mistake tenderness for manipulation. ཛྷཛྷ Intensity is always well-received. Be secure and strong in yourself and in what you think and believe. ཛྷཛྷ Keep in mind that Eights are unaware of how they impact others.