~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 51
I thought I heard bacon grease popping when I woke up this morning It was just capillary branches rapping against shuddered trim Don’t know why I did Smelled like ice and ember, cold stung my nose 52
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ I grinned, bore it all, I suppose Not how this story goes, not for me Not for most Not one single, defining epiphany of triumph Nor a feeling in your gut But you wake up Notice you’re not as low as you were yesterday Realize you can’t even see where you started I noticed a few songbirds acquainting themselves 53
Perched atop frosted needles, little butterfluffs Corncob in hand, tobacco in the other I packed it loose and watched under blanket Bitter notes, leather aroma, velvety finish Helped find comfort in the unsavory A good blend to watch a lone cardinal I sensed a comradery and common ground A patch of red had turned brown, I saw I wondered who he lost Years 54
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ So many years have passed Still I ache to hear that crackling, hot grease Door cracked open, peeping out to see The pine scent brightening Low glimmers on boxed sheen It always took me a bit to see the fireplace lit Around the bend of the hall, past the flames You, in the kitchen, almost done with breakfast It’s cold today 55
My home, dark I grabbed a few cedar logs split from a branch I had cut Threw them in the fire pit atop bark and twigs Smolders grew to flame and I I went back inside and turned on the stovetop And grabbed the bacon from the icebox The real stuff, not imitation I glanced again, out the window behind the sink 56
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ A small drift of smoke lifted from my pipe Outside on the table The cardinal was gone Grease pops Patters sound Progeny shambling abound In town for the holidays I’m a year older now, than you got to see Still I miss the grease pop and crackle Waking to mauve and golden Christmas tree 57
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 58
Veronica looked out her window at the warm winter’s day. She just moved much further south and thoroughly missed the cold and the snow. Jeanie, her new best friend, had sensed something was off with her the last few days. She had a very clever idea to cheer up her friend. Jeanie’s father owned the largest salt distributor and importer west of the Mississippi. She had two truckloads delivered to Veronica’s house. Jeanie 59
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ hurriedly ran and knocked on the door. Veronica opened it and stood frozen for a moment, processing the glimmering white adorning the front lawn. “It’s salt!” Jeanie held her hand backwards displaying Veronica’s own yard to her. Jeanie continued, “I know you miss the snow, and you said making snowmen and stuff was your favorite! So- I figured we could try this. It’s just salt, from my dad’s warehouse. You know how he owns the largest salt distributor and importer west of the Mississippi.” Veronica looked at Jeanie, then the tons of salt in her yard, then back at Jeanie. “Okay!” Both girls ran and dove into the salt mounds, spreading their arms and legs to make salt snow angels. 60
Jeanie grabbed a handful and threw it at Veronica. It sprayed all over her. “Ee-yugh!” She blew raspberries to clear her lips of the salt as she brushed off her clothes. “Ha ha ha,” Jeanie laughed at her friend. Veronica kicked some up in retaliation as she spoke, “Not funny, Jeanie. That tastes nasty, it’s salt!” Her friend, meanwhile, had fallen on her rump after some salt got in her eye. “Omigosh! Ow, ow, oh- this hurt’s Vee,” Jeanie sniffled back. “Hmm. We need something to help this stuff stick if we’re going to make anything cool,” Veronica thought aloud. She ran back inside. A short time later, she came briskly out with a basketful of glues. 61
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ “Woo! That ought to do it,” Jeanie encouraged her friend. The girls began dumping the glue on the salt and rolling it into spherical shapes. Things were coming together rather quickly. Veronica ran and gathered some twigs, dry grass, and two dead beetles for the arms and nose, eyebrows and mustache, and eyes, respectively. They stepped back to look at their creation. “It’s still missing something,” Veronica said. Jeanie ran to the street curb and grabbed a broken cowboy hat a boy had dropped as his family drove by earlier, and a candy bar wrapper for a bow tie. Veronica tilted her head to the side as she looked, “Didn’t help at all. It’s awful.” “Completely hideous,” Jeanie said at the same time. 62
“Oh well. I appreciate the gesture Jeanie. Maybe it would be best if we went inside and played checkers or something. Anything really, I can’t bear to look at this thing a second longer,” Veronica said as she got up and walked over to the salt snowman. She gave him a peck on the cheek before walking back inside. “Thhhppt, gross I forgot he was salt,” she blew more raspberries to get all of the salt crystals from her mouth. Shortly thereafter, the girls were finishing up a snack while they were getting the checkerboard. Suddenly, a loud crash sounded at the front of the house. Something had smashed through the glass door and went into the office. A sticky line of glue followed like a slug’s slime trail. Veronica and Jeanie were both standing outside the double door entry to the office. They looked at 63
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ each other, frightened. Veronica held up her fingers, and quietly counted down, “Three. Two. One. Go!” The girls slammed open both doors and screamed. The salt snowman was sitting at the desk, typing away at the keyboard. He was searching for something online. “Oh, hi girls! Vee, Jeanie, how are you?” It spoke. Jeanie stammered, “Uhh, uh-” she swallowed then continued. “Um, excuse me. Yeah, hi. What are you doing?” “What the- what the- wha-” Veronica said as Jeanie spoke. “And how?!” “Where are my manners? I apologize. My name- is Salt E. Snowminn. I’m here because of you! The time and care you girls put into me and that kiss on 64
the cheek, plus it is the time of year, was all I needed!” he explained. “And what I’m doing is searching to see if I can figure out what in the ever-loving reindeer toots this taste in my mouth is. It’s, like, weird and salty, and it’s making my mouth so dry. I can’t see too well, either. What did you guys use? They’re real scratchy.” Jeanie snickered a bit. Veronica answered, “Oh. Well,” she smacked her lips, “we used- rocks. Just some rocks from outside.” Salt E. Snowminn chortled almost like a donkey, “Well that’ll do it, alright. Rocks for eyes, goodness me. Okay, now hear me out on this, girls. What do you say the three of us go ice skating at the pond? Maybe some caroling, instigate a big snowball fight with the other neighborhood kids?” 65
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ “Or you could tell one of your older siblings about me, and they won’t believe you until later on in the movie when I have to save them from the evil businessman trying to stop Christmas for the whole town?” he continued. Jeanie and Veronica looked confused as they bother uttered, in unison, “What?!” He went on, “Oh, oh, I know!” Mr. Snowminn jumped up and down. “Let’s take over another holiday, like, OOooh, St. Patrick’s Day,” he muttered at near whisper. “But at the last possible moment, we realize the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day, that it’s okay to get drunk, but maybe not, like, super drunk, especially in public, and that weird green drinks and food are fine, but maybe not, like, whole rivers and stuff because- well, because it’s just too weird. I mean, do the fish and alligators turn all crazy colors 66
from the dye, or clams, frogs, or grasses and other riverside plants? Well, I guess most of that stuff’s green anway-” “Salt!” Veronica yelled. “Salt. Can I call you Salt? Mr. Snowminn? Doctor Salt E. Snowminn?” “What’s the ‘E.’ stand for, anyway,” Jeanie interrupted with a whisper. Salt looked up and answered her, “Eduardo. And whatever you want, really, but I’m certainly no doctor. Why, I remember one time, when I was in Peru- freak snowfall, don’t ask. Anyway, there I was, surrounded by a small army of dreaded tree mongooses-” “ENOUGH! Please- just, just stop. Sweet candy canes just stop,” Veronica was exhausted. “First off, it’s not really wintery outside. It’s really hot right now, freak heatwave,” she mocked Salt. 67
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ Veronica continued, “And Christmas is still almost a month away. Jeanie was only trying to cheer me up. Because we don’t really have any other friends. So, there goes basically everything you mentioned to begin with.” “Nonsense. Take me to the skating pond and I’ll show you girls some real winter magic.” The three of them stood at water’s edge. “Now, watch this, girls!” Salt boasted as he reached into the pond. “Okay, so maybe I don’t have enough magic to turn it into ice. Let’s go home. Whoa!” Salt tripped and fell into the water a bit. “OW! Ouch oh, ho oh- ahhh! My face is melting, my face is melting!” Mr. Salt E. Snowminn’s face was indeed, melting and fading away, as was his time here. 68
“Oh, Jeanie, Vee! One of you has gotta kiss me on the cheek again and end this. I can’t take the pain!” he spat out wet globs of salty mush onto the girls while he grasped both of them closer to his face. “Ew, no! Your face was disgusting enough before all this, I’m not putting mine anywhere near it,” Veronica shuddered. “I didn’t really mean it the first time. It was- it was like a goodbye kiss.” Jeanie answered for herself, “Sorry, Salt, but I already had to swallow back down some vomit just thinking about. No dice for me.” “Guys, this really hurts. And why was my face so disgusting before?” he asked. Veronica looked at Jeanie, “Shh. Don’t tell him, it’s like adding salt to the-” Veronica cleared her throat. “Salt to the wound. Sorry, Salt.” Jeanie stood up, “He has to know the truth, even if it’s on his deathbed. You’re made of salt, Salt.” 69
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ “Figured that out already.” “And your eyebrows are so bushy, and your lips feel so weird and scratchy, because we put dried grass on your face.” “I see. And what of my eyes?” Veronica pleaded, “Jeanie, don’t tell him. He’s literally about to die, or whatever.” “He deserves to know, Vee. Salt, you’re eyes are bugs. Dead bugs. Beetles to be precise,” Jeanie blurted out. Salt E. Snowminn sniffled a bit. Tears welled and fell from his two beetle-corpse eyeballs. “Even my tears hurt. And smell so, so bad. Well, this is it, girls. Thanks for the memories. I’ll cherish them always. It’s been quite a ride. First, you made me. I broke into your house, Vee. I scared you both while discovering the world online. Figuring out I 70
was made of salt. Then, our first friendly disagreement. “Now, upon being proven wrong, and thoroughly humiliated, my death imminent, I say to you this- don’t take each other for granted. And, whatever you do, don’t ever make another snowman again. We remember- uhhhh.” Salt E. Snowminn had expired. His magical time here had come to an end. Jeanie and Veronica looked a little unsettled, then both kicked the rest of the salt clumps into the pond and walked home. The end. 71
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 72
Tether me to the masts Hard wisps toss us freely, lingers ill thought Pale mistress bespectacled aft Gently kissing bearded membrane Black of night churns violet Hunger daunting our might 73
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ Saints keep promised watch in the sun’s absence Draping down to match our morale Lame is our haul Unimpressive like timid plank across small gap Same purpose served as ornate bridge, yet A hole is a hole, nonetheless Indentured to hyped promise, save her beauty Pleading to be at my side Numerous visions unaffected in time The months behind reel back perceived of faux heralds 74
Madness masquerades itself as self- conception Righteous and routine in course turn mutinous Doubt methodically tearing at seam Starboard plateau reflects my vessel, trickery Extending outward like a mirage Beholden to your memories Elated imagining of your wanton lips Slivers of gust whisper my name Soothing as ever 75
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ Under a day’s journey, so close I can taste the soil’s damp musk in the back of my throat Virgin land to birth us again Reckoning ahead of self Beckoned fates Color bursts in the horizon Celebrating and bringing forth redemption New beginning with a new year Assumptive past transgressions parlayed, hedged Instead by itself, chance, and nature It can embrace itself a bit longer Far, far away from me I’m not finished with the last 76
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 77
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 78
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~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ Collin B. Randle loves doing, oh, so many things: writing poems, horror stories, and funny things, drawing cartoons, photography, and much more. So, he threw them all together in one website. Idiot move? Perhaps. But only something a truly Greate Idiot would do. Samantha Randle is a stay at home mother and wife to a brilliant writer. She enjoys cooking, watching movies, singing, and making sure her kiddos and husband have what they need. She hopes to one day write a book or sell some art. Also, Christmas is her FAVORITE holiday! 81
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ Loralie is 13 years old. She plays the violin in the Varsity Orchestra at her school and is captain of the cheerleading squad. She loves to bake and draw in her free time. Loralie is also a Christian and enjoys attending both of her church homes and is active in both youth programs. Cerenity is 12 years old. She enjoys playing flute, cooking, baking, and playing volleyball. She reads in her spare time to her sister, SkylarFaye. She also enjoys playing videogames such as Hello Neighbor. Cerenity enjoys attending church and is active in the youth program. Ricky Ricky Raelee is 8 years old. He enjoys playing video games, ping pong, badminton, doing puzzles, and anything slime related. He loves joining his Daddy and SkylarFaye when tending the garden. Another passion of his is doing science experiments for fun. SkylarFaye is 3 years old. She enjoys drawing and playing with Play-doh or slime. She watches Ghost Adventures all the time and loves to eat popcorn while watching movies with her family. She loves to help her Daddy with his garden and pretend cook alongside Mommy. 82
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 83
~GREATE IDIOT FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR~ 84
-THE BACK OF- THE GREATE IDIOT CHRISTMASTIME, KWANZAA, WINTER SOLSTICE, FEAST OF ALVIS, HANUKKAH, NEW YEAR’S, AND BOXING DAY FAMILY HOLIDAYS SPECTACULAR
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