A Special Relationship Siblings of individuals with ASD

A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP Siblings of Individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Running head: A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP: SIBLINGS OF INDIVIDUALS WITH ASD 2 A Special Relationship: Siblings of Individuals with ASD Samantha Dowdall Autism Spectrum Disorder Professor Michelle Lane-Barmapov November 15, 2018

A Special Relationship: Siblings of Individuals with ASD Sibling rivalry is very common in sibling relationships. This happens when they compare themselves to their sister or brother and seem to be very competitive towards each other. There can be a lot of jealousy, unfairness, and hostility towards each other. When it comes to a child that has a sibling with Autism Spectrum disorder it can be very similar, but it comes about in different ways and for different reasons. Generally, they adjust very well, as they become more empathetic, caring, independent and easygoing children. Although they may adjust well, they can also feel a lot of anger, unease, humiliation, stress, jealousy, concern and sadness towards their sibling with ASD (Sibling Perspectives, 2018). Stress can be created for the sibling without ASD because a child with ASD has a difficult time bonding with others which makes it difficult for the two siblings to create a close relationship. Many times, the child without ASD takes over as a care taker for their sibling with ASD when trying to play with them as they feel obligated to or are asked to do so. This is more responsibility than some children can handle as they need to be children as well. Their playtimes and communications with each other are often difficult as they may have different communication levels, thoughts and skills (Sibling Perspectives, 2018).

Siblings of ASD Children’s Feelings Here are some of the reasons why children with siblings that have ASD may feel the way they do are: 1) Angry – The child may feel that the parent is letting their sibling with ASD get away without doing their chores or homework and that less is expected from them, which causes them to feel angry. 2) Guilt – The child may have some negative feelings towards their sibling with ASD as they may become embarrassed by the way they act, speak, play etc.… and then feel guilty for feeling that way. 3) Protective – If someone makes fun or jokes about their sibling with ASD, they may feel over protective of them and try to stand up for them, which can put them in an awkward and uncomfortable situation. 4) Discouraged – If their sibling with ASD does not want to play or do an activity with them, they may feel discouraged. 5) Embarrassed – If people look, point and stare, or make any comments about their sibling with ASD during outings with them, they may feel embarrassed about having them as a sibling. 6) Jealous – When they feel the parent or others are spending more time with or focusing more on the sibling with ASD than them, they may feel a lot of jealousy towards them.

7) Concerned or Worried – They may think that because their sibling with ASD is adding extra stress to their parent’s relationship, that the parents may get a divorce or split up. 8) Resentful – The child may spend a lot of time caring for their sibling with ASD, and start becoming resentful towards them for it as it takes away from their time. (Helping Siblings of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder, 2017) Siblings of ASD Children’s Needs 1) Consistent, personalized parental attention that focuses on the child as one and their own specific specialties – Parents need to try their hardest make sure they treat the siblings in similar ways. Many times, parents will make more effort to praise the child with ASD, and are not quite as focused the other siblings’ achievements. They need to put the same effort of praise towards the sibling without ASD. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) 2) Constant information regarding their sibling with ASD – Children and adolescents need to know about the disorder their sibling has so they can understand all the facts about it. If uninformed, this could cause them a lot of anxiety and wondering what is going to happen or if anything is going to happen to their sibling. They may wonder, if it is contagious, what is expected of them in the future care of their sibling, why they do what they do, why their behavior is different from other children etc. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) 3) Scheduled One on One time with the parent – The sibling without ASD needs to know they will have one on one special time with their parents. This can be done by

scheduling specific times or days. It should be on a consistent schedule so the child will know what to expect. For example, the parent could schedule 10-15 minutes every night with the child before bed time to just chat or read a book together, or one day every weekend for a couple of hours to go out shopping together. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) 4) Open honest, developmentally appropriate communication – Parents need to make sure they are open and honest with their child that does not have ASD, and to make sure that their child knows that they can come to them about anything, especially if something is bothering them. This is where the previous point could come in to effect as well. The parent could schedule a specific time to chat daily and to be open and honest about anything with each other. Also, parents can at times act inappropriately when in stressful situations. For example, curse, raise their voices etc.… This is where the parent needs to realize what they have done and should speak up to make sure the child is aware that they know what they did wrong. This can be done by explaining to the child that it was wrong of them to behave like that, especially as a parent. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) 5) Education on how to interact with their sibling with ASD – Siblings of children with ASD need to practice necessary play skills so they can interact effectively with their brother or sister who has ASD. They need to know how to praise them when they pick up on a new skill, their effort or when they do something correctly. They need to know how to give their sibling directions and prompts. Also, they need to know what kind of toys are age appropriate for their sibling that they can play with together and

will keep both of their attentions while interacting with each other. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) 6) Strategies for dealing with questions and comments from peers – The children with a sibling with ASD, should know how to respond to others who may make fun, point fingers, or ask questions about their sibling. They should understand the facts about the disorder, so they can respond with the correct information. They could always carry around fact cards to hand out to people with questions so they will not have to explain to them. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) 7) A choice about how involved they are with their sibling with ASD – Parents should not be overly dependent on their child that does not have ASD. They need their space from responsibility of their sibling. The parent should take advantage of Respite care services or other means of support they have available to them. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) 8) They need to feel safe and that their belongings are safe from their sibling with ASD- Some ASD children can have behaviours that are destructive. Their sibling can at times be a target. Parents should make sure that the sibling has a safe place to go if their brother or sister starts getting violent. Also, parents need to make sure their child would know what to do if a situation like that comes up. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) 9) Guidance to get through the siblings’ feelings and emotions – Parents should be making sure that they listen intently to their child and how they feel. They can reiterate what the child has said, so the child knows that the parent is listening and paying attention. The parent needs to show the child that they validate both positive

and negative thoughts from the child. If needed the parent could always get a councilor involved. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) 10) Treat the sibling with Autism as normal as possible – Parents should not underestimate their child with Autism. They should be given chores and responsibilities just as they would with their child without ASD, but customized to their ability. Differential treatment of the sibling with ASD, should be explained to the child without ASD. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) 11) They need to know that they are not alone – The sibling with out ASD needs to know that there are others out there going through the same situation. Parents can help with this by reading books or articles with their child about siblings with ASD, attending support groups, YouTube videos, etc. (Sibling Perspectives, 2018) Quote in an Article by Natalie, a Sister who has a Brother with Autism “To be the sister of a child with autism means every day is crazy and you never know what to expect. It’s stressful. It’s chaotic. You grow up very quickly. Whining about staying up later or wanting the newest phone seems completely insignificant when your sibling is struggling with basic life skills. You deal with a lot of emotions and anxieties that never cross the minds of other 8-years-olds. Why are those kids staring at my brother? What are they saying? Please stop flapping your arms. You hate your sibling; you love your sibling. It is overwhelming at first and that’s okay. You lose a lot - that trip to Disney would overwhelm him and your first violin concert might irritate his sensory issues. However, what you gain are irreplaceable life experiences that turn you into a strong, independent and caring adult who knows the true meaning of love, hard work, patience and family. (Autism Speaks, 2014)

References Wheeler, M, M.S.W. (2018). Sibling Perspectives: Some Guidelines for Parents. Indiana Resource Center for Autism: Indiana University, Retrieved from https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/pages/Siblings-Perspectives-Some-Guidelines-for-Parents Helping Siblings of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. raising Children.net.au, the Australian Parenting Website. (January 21, 2017). Retrieved from https://raisingchildren.net.au/autism/communicating-relationships/family- relationships/siblings-asd#effects-of-autism-spectrum-disorder-on-siblings-nav-title Natalie, writes for Autism Works Boston. Autism Speaks. (October 10, 2014). A letter on ‘What it is like to Have a Sibling with Autism’. Retrieved from https://www.autismspeaks.org/blog/letter-what-its-have-sibling-autism