don't worry book final (1)

2013WMianrnsherCs horfistthiaenAward Awbnyithaodtahvepicraecrehbnioldtoriknelenptwrfioshoronck.hnWilodrwriettnheonawnadintdyfoeiluelulnssg.trpaeteodple “Now I know I’m not the only one” Olivia, 10.

This book has been written with the help of a group of children and youngpeople aged from five to sixteen. Every one of them has had either theirmum or dad in prison and they’ve all spent time being supported by ourteam at PSS.The group wanted to share a bit of information about what to expect whenyour mum or dad goes to prison and how to cope with different thingslike visits, feeling sad or keeping in touch. This book answers all sorts ofquestions and is split into sections which are listed over the page.The children themselves wanted the book to be called ‘Don’t Worry’although this of course is often inevitable. We hope however that this bookcan give encouragement and support to children who are currently dealingwith this situation.We think it’s really important that you get all the information you can tohelp you deal with this difficult situation and we hope this book tells yousome useful things. If you use our services already, or live in the Liverpoolarea and want to use them, just contact us using the details on the back.Any questions this book doesn’t answer can be talked about with one of ourPSS support workers or at one of our groups. If you don’t live in our areathen ask an adult family member or friend to contact ‘Action for Prisoners’Families’ on 0808 808 2003 and they’ll put you in contact with someonewho can help.Thanks for reading,

What’s inside?Finding Out 4How to cope when you’re missing them 8Our support groups 10‘Missing you’ boxes 12Keeping in touch 14What’s it like going on a prison visit? 16 In the visit 18 Family days 19 Closed visits 20 Leaving the visit 21What’s being in prison like? 22Can prison be a good thing? 24School and friends 28What might it be like when my mum 30or dad comes out? 3

Finding out “ ““ Iredaidllyn’ktnkonwowwhwahtaptrtisootnhwinak.s.I didn’t coYhroiudldamrdeinhgahwsthfgoeoecnloelmotteostpoorfiPsdoSifnSf.esHraeey“ At first I was worried it was my fault, until mum explained that it wasn’t. 4

“ You might be angry with your mum or dad for doing that thing that put them in prison. That’s ok to feel angry, because they shouldn’t have done it and put themselves in there. But just because you feel angry it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. “erent tihs iwnhgas twshoemneyoouf rthmeum ““I was glad. Here I hated himsay... “ being at home and I felt safer now.“ WnneehwveesnrIsItewheoamusgyfihrdstatIdtwoalodguatlhdine. 5

“ twWruahtnehtnebdmectyoaumksnueomiwt twwoalhdsemwnoehresaebwonauosttcwkonmhoeiwnreignmoguya“ I used to hate it when my mum“ Knowing the t and my auntie were whispering and crying and they wouldn’t “ I felt better k tell me why. Now they’ve told he was in p me I’m glad. I don’t feel left than being t out anymore. was working I know he d Research! choose to be Researchers and prisoners’ families support from m groups commonly argue that children are better off knowing the truth about 6 their parents imprisonment, rather than experiencing confusion and deceit (Murray, 2008).

nmoguyatdn. aBddubtweIianwsgaIlsifeegdlltatsdoatdh.aItwmays“ missing him and I “ mum told me the “he truth... “When I first found out I was so shocked that I was sick, but er knowing talking to my mum and dad n prison, about it really helped me to ng told he understand and feel better. ing away. he didn’t PSS can support you! o be away If you’re a parent or teacher a PSS support workerm me. can help you to frame the conversation and even be there with you and the children to offer additional support when the imprisonment is explained. 7

“Hyoouw’retomciosspiengwhthenem. ““ Have fun, don’t feel guilty about having fun when your mum or dad is in prison. They actually feel better when they know you are having fun and are happy. It also makes the time pass quicker for you as well as your mum or dad who is away. So have fun whenever you can!Research! close family members, children cite the need for “I tIn addition to ea professional person to talk to, someone who is neutral andoutside of the family (Loueiro, 2010). For many, this is crucial as 8often children feel they do not want to upset family by talkingabout it at home.

“ Birthdays and stuff can be hard when your mum or dad is away. But try and have a nice time with your family and friends because this is what the person would want you to do. They do celebrate things like Christmas and Eid in prison and all those sorts of things in. So you should try not to worry on special occasions.“ “ ““hsmmIhegaiersoksswteionsogognimnv’h.eteenbfreaeIettclheucdedlorddesyleefbotteroheaevhre,ebsrreo.aaInwrtdaehlneIl’ndmll Iisyt’esmeelf“ It’s really good PSS can support you! to talk to someone If you want to talk to a support worker else. you can ask whoever looks after you to arrange it with PSS. 9

Our support groups.“ Tnahiwceeatyfrr.iipIe’snvodeuwntehavoreerIabcmaeenanztaianlbkglteaontoadbtIoa’vulketammbyoauddteaidat really “ “ being before.Research! 10Peers can provide invaluable advice that helps otherslike themselves cope better (Light and Campbell, 2006).Research with a voluntary group in Sweden whichconcentrates on improving outcomes for children with aparent in prison, found that access to peer support wasas important or event more important than professionaladvice (Jones, 2011).

“Going to a group where “ I like the there are other children games we with a parent in prison play in the makes me feel better. I groups. know I’m not the only one. ““ “““ “FwauchIstahi.lcriIedkhrews’PsaiiSntDsSbtmahepyceaoawdsguteeresodeumupofpao!n;dre Me and some of the other kids in the group got to speak at a conference and tell everyone how to help us. It was cool - I’ve never been to Birmingham before.PSS can support you!Why don’t you come to one of our fun support groups whichnormally run in half term and school holidays? All children andyoung people who come either have a parent in prison, or onewho has been to prison and is now released. Although we dotalk about prison in the group, we also play games, go on tripsout and have lots of fun. If you come to our groups you will seethat you are not the only young person going through this. 11

Missing you boxes.“ImtmrmheeramaobdduieenegcdmhaaeudedmsifefmiefsiwesceiluhnttleghthnaatyittImompuceoaybsurotImldxotunoffmo’omtrkbywmtehomyewuumlipdtmouhbsmwmsee.ayhsTsosmhiwmoeuintemmhsoiomsanusneeitnddoagIaftyywttoh.haueesbResearch!The loss of a parent to imprisonment has been likened tobereavement (Shaw, 1992). Experts who work with childrenwho experience the loss of a parent or parental seperation, willoften use techniques such as memory boxes, collage and play tonormalise grief. Art therapist Cathy Malchiodi (2008) finds thatcreative interventions such as drawing, art and the making ofmemory boxes are useful for children experiencing stress due toparental loss. 12

wohhaueesbbtgioomoxxienha.genAldplseoitdit . PSdawdtwhoarShwhaimdneSewaknnieysicnoyctataghfhohw,netuialahaydtaseyrlcrreeum.eaetnAmpnt.meeT’PpitrnnihSosobdjSisosrresiyntshsywugomeyopimlttuoppahhesoukoettirlf!mnhhotygeitwnsoymagouoo.rru‘fykAmpoeccsahuraiksri’cnslevadaiennprnPetgumSgnttyShiasvfoaedoseuuteem’yplhoobecparuotooshfnxraogitnnwuobwegnhnocodieetxnrenktttdtheoothrahtpedottereobrmitsceohbooaxemrnrki,ian.reultiTgpskmeheayyiernoooaenuurnta box and some art materials to your one-to-one support session. 13

Keeping in touch “My dad used tPoSsSegnrdoumpeapnidctmuraesdeancdarldest.ters“ andI went to the“ If felt better when my dad went because there was no more stress at home. I told PSS I didn’t ““ want to see him anymore and they’ve helpedme to understand that it was ok.Research! More research!Safe contact (visits, phone calls, letters) can Not only do families left on thebring much comfort to families, although have the right to decent contacfor some, ending the relationship with their loved ones in jail but prisothe imprisoned parent is a relief. Recent maintain good communicationresearch (COPING, 2013) finds that frequent their families are more likely tocommunication and regular contact tends to successful resettlement (Hart, 2calm most prisoner’s children and helps themcope much better with the seperation. 14

“ You can sometimes talk “ to your mum or dad “ on the phone if they officers say it’s ok, and I used this thing called ‘email a prisoner’ to email my dad.“ Sometimes I wanted to go on visits, but sometimes I didn’t ‘cause I wanted to go to rugby practice instead.n the outside PSS can support you! ntact withprisoners who If you want to have contact with your parent in prisonation with we can talk to you about what your options are. Somely to have a mums/dads in prison send their children letters to PSSart, 2013). so they can get to you safely and we can post your letters back to them too. 15

Wohnaat’spriitsolinkevigsoiti?ng“ When you go on a visit you do have to wait“ “ for ages in the visitors’ centre before you go in. I used to worry because it’d take that long I’d think ‘I’m not going to get my visit’ but it’s just because it’s a big wait. That bit can be boring so you should take something like a book to look at or a game and you can put them in a locker before you go and see your mum or dad.Waiting for the visit to start. 16

Searches & search-dogs“ There are dogs that will sniff you to see if you have any bad things on you, like drugs and things. Don’t worry though. They won’t bite you, they only ever sniff you. They are friendly dogs. ““ The officers do search “ 17 you before you go in. Sometimes they ask to look in your mouth and sometimes you have to take your shoes off. When I went the officers had a laugh with me when they were doing their searches. It’s only to keep everyone on the visit safe.

In the visit ““ Sfpjotwwtiuhhtrerhhasseiodttneaympaklbnticldkeetoasteo,cohtflmaboyessyuuoayo.costuymIoduet.muaoheYtysthetoeocehyfiuoudnitirmnhakhsatgrrtoare‘oe,ewvtbufojoeiiiuugnlunlttsthdtaiotatdstlivkstbohoriiosneametaoi’btatdbetmihonnoitwteuidgomwmontrwpireeatarearnhsynnvoiedyetdyspxoo-oflttwtoeuhu?hmrr’eteda.ayh.arn.ocleo.enwakniuyayinta’nrtrldiyogoesmkstnvnpahue’oltetmawry areas to go to if you want. “““ As soon as I get to the visit and see him 18 I run over and give him a big hug, I can sit on his knee which makes me feel happy. He asks us how school is and we talk about what we’ve been up to.

“satwroeTseobahemuettsyrheeaadtniitrmsidInaegkassso.hpatolanopyd “yabyfordnoeToyuaacudhtmoaloyrcelyuusamtaot.fshcnhasuAeuaekemhsmngtgkaathiealadbvwoeytbmoeosrmhdleuedlleoauotuaaseytnacfodrvswacdheeohmacsirrtlaroaehotitenhlnnaanyybegdlkglofdryreeaeepiuasrltgmll.yiaaayaousinyonlonpyduddt, “ “Research! Family Days‘Family days’, where children can spendextended periods of time with their parents in 19prison and participate in activities in a morerelaxed and informal way, have also beenreported to improve relationships betweenthe offender-parent and the child.

Closed visits“ Closed visits are worse “ 20 because you are sitting on one side of the glass and they are on the other. You can’t hear what they are saying that much and you can’t hug them. Also there is no play area and no shop to buy food or drink but it’s still worth going cos you still get to talk to them and know they are ok. It’s not as bad as it sounds.

Leaving the visit“When you have to leave the visit don’t worry. Everyone feels sad leaving, some people do cry but don’t worry just tell yourself you willbe back to see them soon; it won’t “last forever. ““ The worst bit about the visits is when you have to go home. You might feel sad because your mum/dad is also sad the visit is over.PSS can support you! prison visits. We can prepare you forPSS is here to help you withwhat to expect on your visit and we can talk to you afterwardsabout how it went. Sometimes a PSS support worker can beavailable to assist you on your visit day. 21

Wphraist’osnbleikineg? in “ “ “There are some iwpIsTrdgoubniVasrusaooee.dlrbtdynOdshwribnbimltginaokuehTgsoettltVvoilhttniiahhckeiintnkewees’ekdysaybpdmodyssuriebeuatsayeelorpclskodhnteorwauiiaennsmadn.odoldynlny ““ officers who are“ really nice to yourmum or dad. 22

I thought my Mum was “ You think it’s dull going to be in an and terrible but“ orange onesie with a when I see my number on the back, but Mum, there were it’s not like that really. all pictures there on what work she“ My dad got two had been doing. different jobs which he “ liked and he also liked “ going to the gym. “ “““fdMorrayuwdsiantdgoslpeouaftrnuints aaornut,rdhbseeednnrdooswotmmhe.amkehsome“ My mum did a course on beauty therapy 23 and one on setting up your own business.

Cagnoopdristohninbge? a“ Your parent can get “ My mum went on help in there and learn a course about their lesson not to do parenting and now what they did again. we get on so much better. ““Research! 24There are opportunities for people in prison to use thetime they are there to learn new skills and get help for anyproblems they might be facing. Some prisoners take courses,for example computers, maths, gardening and hairdressing.Many courses lead to qualifications that are recognised byemployers outside of the prison e.g. GCSEs or NVQs. Thereare often programmes available on improving parenting skills,health and wellbeing.

“ owtMhuiytitnh.dgSmasodaeInhaayancmstdupomarroleylymabtnirhsodeintdshkpenierton’wtsdthgomeondooodrhe!esttguimeptieds“My dad gave up smoking since he went to prison; I am really proud of him for doing this. ““ “ “ ““ I want to actually thank the prison guards because they have helped my mum to be much better mannered.“My dad goes to gym “My mum has been in prison and is much a ‘listener’ in prison, healthier now! so she gets to help people in there. 25

“ If my mum hadn’t been in there she wouldn’t have realised what she’d done wrong. Prison has helped her to be more mature and learn her lesson. If she hadn’t gone away she would still be making the same mistakes now. So it’s good that she’s gone in there because it’s made her understand what’s right or wrong. “““ Some things are better because the arguments at home have stopped. 26

“ I went on family days to see my “ Mum and we actually had more fun “ together on those days than we used to when she was at home.“ My dad is learning how to build things and he also helps out in the kitchen. PSS can support you! If you’re worried about your parent in prison, a PSS support worker can sometimes help. PSS will try to speak to your parent’s personal officer inside and get you some information about them. Sometimes PSS can help to make things easier. 27

“ School and friends ““At first I was worried about telling my teacher in case they thought I was a bad kid because of what my dad did but she was really kind and promised not to tell the other staff and keep our family stuff private. This made me feel better and I now go to her whenever I feel upset. RTPshrheiosesoueSnldoaecbrriscae-hlsMCe! aearnienatIasnisinntiitnteuggtreFaaflmotroilEytxhTceeiepllsero(n2cc0ees0,si8no)ftehsmeuipprhpgaousritdisineegCthchahiltidldsrecrehnnooooflfs pslaareuirlgtscicsthohheotirenlasdome,s’frssppsat.sohrloclSrahpivcesohiaidssoorieeonloisnrnglsttdgshcmr,haatfoiiowtgldrsahprcectehixccnaoaetduowmsosrlisepptihsnsltehffst,ooohtsrrrueematlndthtaediemitgniiiroinevepnosraaleovtnrpoenedontstrohuthtpsepeinppoipomonprrrortpptiugsrryoinorsoeniogtus.ynrsnTeetogshdosfep.pwtIeghatroueiritpeisiedrnlteechtheiinld and the duty of schools to share it.

“ I couldn’t talk to my friends in school about it because I felt they wouldn’t understand. I did talk to my mentor though, who was really nice. I’ve since realised there are some other kids in my school who also have a parent in prison, like me.“My teacher has been really supportive by saying it’s fine for me to take time off school to go on visits. ““PSS can support you! can give you some ideas about howParents and teachers!! PSSto help your child cope better with school. This includes practicalways you can offer support during the school day, what to saywhen they are distressed and advice regarding visits. You mayalso want assistance on sending school reports and informationto the imprisoned parent and/or how to talk to the whole classabout imprisonment. Ask us about our Hidden Sentence Trainingdesigned for school practitioners and other professionals. 29

“Wwcohhmeanetsmmoyiugmthtuomfitpboriersdoliankd?e“ Our social worker said that when my dad comes out at first our contact has to be supervised but a PSS worker can also help with this. 30

“ When my dad came out it made my“ day! I was really excited to see him. 31

“ When your mum o comes home you m sad if they can’t liv anymore but don’ might be better this a PSS worker if you see them, and don’t say if you actualResearch! “ You think y embarrassed oAmong the many challenges facing prisoners as you see themthey return home is their reunification with family. the first time.For most former prisoners, relationships with family you’ll feel hapmembers are critical to successful reintegration, againyet these relationships may be complicated by pastexperiences and unrealistic expectations. Researchhas documented that many family members ofreturning prisoners are also wary about their lovedones’ return from prison and that a significantadjustment in roles is often necessary (Hagan andDinovitzer 1999).

m or dad first “ou might feel “t live with youon’t worry. Itthis way. Talk toou still want ton’t be scared totually don’t!nk you might feel PSS can support you!ed or awkward whenem out of prison for We offer support to children and their familiesme. But don’t worry at post-release stage. We understand the happy and normal challenges that the whole family face evengain soon! after the parent has been released. Some post release prisoners join the PSS Family Recovery Programme. Please ask a member of the PSS team for more details. 33

Signpaonsdtirnegf,ertehnacneks yousOur ‘Family Impact’ team are based in Liverpool andoffer support to children and young people from acrossMerseyside.We provide support to children with a parent in prison, orchildren whose parents have been in prison and haverecently been released. Our ‘whole family’ modelmeans we offer support to the child, theirparent/carer and, where possible, theprisoner parent post-release.If you want to know a bit more about ourgroups or speak to one of our workers giveus a call or an email on 0151 702 5577 oremail us at [email protected]. 34

We want to thank the following young people for helpingus produce this booklet, their thoughts and drawings werevery important and we hope that their views will help manyother young people. Sophie Michael Ellis William Lauren James Olivia Leon Kane NiamhThe following books, journals and articles have been referenced within this booklet.• Children and Family Services SCIE Guide 22 (2008) Children of prisoners - maintaining family ties Social Care Institute for Excellence• Dinovitzer, R; Hagan, J (1999) Collateral Consequences of Imprisonment for Children, Families and Communities IN Prisons, edited by M. Tonry and J. Petersilia. Chicago University of Chicago Press.• Jones,A (2011) Hidden Children: A study into services for Children of Incarcerated Parents in Sweden and the United States Winston Churchill Memorial Trust• Light, R; Campbell, L (2010) Prisoners’ Families: Still Forgotten Victims? Journal of Social Welfare and Family Law 28(3): 297-308• Malchiodi, C (2008) Creative Interventions with Traumatized Children The Guilford Press 35

If you would like to use this book within your own service and want to order more copies please contact our Family Impact team on 0151 702 5577 or email us at [email protected] PSS 18 Seel Street Liverpool L1 4BE T: 0151 702 5555 pss.org.uk PSS (UK).PSS is a company limited by guarantee, registered in England and Wales (214077). A charity registered in England and Wales (224469) and in Scotland (SC038925).