Goblins Cookbook

A Hungry Goblin’s CookBook With Translations For Humans

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Hello There, This is my favorite cookbook! The grandkids love the crazy recipes and funny stories and pictures. I have tried my best to translate this from Goblin speak to English, but there are somethings I just had to guess at! I hope you enjoy this as much as I did making it! Sincerely, Elmer J. Waddlesworth III 3

Hearty Dragon Slugs Dragon Slugs are meaty hand sized slugs that are found in caves where Dragons live. They feed on the scales that falloff the dragons, and whatever remains of the creatures the dragons feed on! The slugs have to be wrapped in corn husks to keep them from drying out, to keep them meaty and juicy! Cook them in an Ogre Sauce made with ground werewolf meat, and dried orange Ogre Snot! Brown the ground up werewolf and add spices to taste, then remove the husks and lay the slugs in a pan. Pour the werewolf meat over the slugs, and then add the orange Ogre snot on top. Be generous with the Snot! Add some spicy green onions on top to add more flavor! Cook till the Ogre Snot is bubbly and melting! Let cool for a few moments before eating! The Ogre snot tends to burn your tongue and the roof of your mouth! 4

(Human Translation) Hearty Dragon Slugs You can use these substitutions! 1 16 oz can of Tamales 1 20 oz can of Chili —no beans 1/2 cup of Shredded Cheddar Cheese (optional) 1 stalk of green onion— diced 1 4oz canof black olives Remove husks from Tamales, place in glass 9 x 9 dish, pour chili over them and spread over all the tamales. Add Black olives as eyes on 1 end of ta- males to make them look like slugs. Pour shredded cheese over top, add more if you like it cheesy! Add Green onions sparingly (to taste) Heat in microwave for 3 to 5 minutes, or till cheese is all melted. Serve to Hungry Goblns (Makes 3 to 4 servings) 5

Buzzard Puke on a Toadstool Buzzard Puke is a rare delicacy that must be used within a day! Buzzard puke is is very strong in flavor and taste! Like a strong cheese is! Best when heated to a boil, then poured over a grilled toadstool picked from a cow pasture! Add green onions and salt and pepper to taste! Can also pour over bread made from the ground up bones of squirrels or rats! Ohh yummy!! Great when followed by chilled Bat brains, or even large bird brains! A Very filling breakfast for every young Goblin! 6

(Human Translation) Buzzard Puke on a Toadstool Basically, make S.O.S. 1 lb hamburger or sausage browned and crum- bled Add flour—usually 1/4 to 1/2 cup—depends on thickness you want! 2 cups milk ( to make the gravy with) Salt and pepper to taste Can use biscuits or toast as the toadstools Followed by buttered biscuits with grape jelly or jam, or strawberry jelly’s or jams! Can make small “bird skulls’ by making bis- cuits in the shape of a small skull, with a pinched beak, and a hole in top for the jelly or jams! 7

Dragon Eggs and Were-Wolf Strips Dragon eggs can be found in caves by the lakes and rivers. Just follow your nose! Dragons smell like dead birds with a hint of hemlock! Get a few eggs, about 4 to 6 of them. Were-wolf strips can be found along fence lines where they have crawled through the fences, and left strips of meat behind. Ohh Yummy when cooked right! Cook the eggs on a hot stone, or even a griddle from the humans. Meat strips too! You can also mix the eggs with ground up were- wolf meat and add some sage or spices and wrap in a flat bread made from the bones of birds or rats or squirrels! Add some freshly diced bird meat with spices for a sauce! MMMM yummy for a growing Goblin! 8

(Human Translation) Dragon Eggs and Were-Wolf Strips Chicken Eggs (2 to 6 depending on how many to feed) Were-Wolf strips—Bacon Can also scramble sausage with the eggs and add cheese to wrap in a tortilla for a Breakfast Burrito. Can add a little picante sauce for “Bird meat sauce” 9

Speckled Deviled Dragon Eggs If you find some RARE brown dragon eggs, grab them! They are delicious when chilled and mixed with Troll snot and ground up fairies! You have to cook the eggs in water from a fairy spring, to make sure there is no baby dragon inside! Then carefully remove the egg shell, and slice the egg from top to bottom. Not side to side. You want to keep the egg white for the mixture Take the yolk out and mix with ground up fairies and Troll snot and set aside for a few minutes. Find a tray so you can set them all on it, and then carefull spoon the yolk mixture into the egg white side Sprinkle some dried bats blood or Robins blood on top for extra flavor! MMMM yummy and very fill- ing. Great for anytime of the year! 10

(Human Translation) Speckled Deviled Dragon Eggs 1 doz eggs (doesn't have to be brown eggs) (basically making Deviled Eggs— can use red, or green food coloring when mixing the deviled eggs) Feel free to make small batches of different colors for each egg filling! Mayonaise is the Troll Snot Ground up fairies is Mustard Dried Bat’s Blood is paparika (can even put some of these items in small jars or dishes and make your own labels for the ’goblin ingredients) 11

Buzzards & Maggots A great meal on a cold day, Buzzards & mag- gots! Need to find a freshly dead buzzard, or two. Skin it, and take off the head and feet. Save the feet for trading with orc’s Once the bird is cleaned, cut it up to fit in the cauldron! Boil it for at least an hour or so, till the meat falls off the bones! Keep the bones to make stuff with. Put the meat back in the cauldron, add some creamed essence of chicken and buzzard drool, mix in some spices as needed. Then find some fresh maggots off a any dead carcass, will need several handfuls, or even fill up a pouch! Add the maggots to the cauldron and simmer for about 30 min or so. MMMMM!!! Great soup for the bones on a cold day! 12

(Human Translation) Buzzards & Maggots (Basically—Chicken and Rice Soup) Buzzard—Chicken meat, Chicken Legs will do nicely) Maggots—Rice ( can use brown or wild rice also) Cook chicken meat, in a large pot, add liquid, salt, pepper and garlic salt to taste, for about 45 min to an hour. Till meat is falling off bones. Cook rice separately! Then add 1 Large (or 2 small cans) can of cream of chicken soup Then add rice to mix. Simmer for about 10 to 15 min, Then serve. 13

Goblin Stew Goblin Stew is one of my personal favorites! I can make it with almost anything! Goblin stew has meat, and taters and maters, cow stalks, pig pearls, fairy pearls, and wabbit spears! The best meat in winter time, Skunk meat! Yum- my! Bird meat isn't that great for this, but cat, dog, cow, horse, goat, were-wolf, were-cat, but not frogs, and not snakes. I prefer cow meat, tender and large pieces! Get a GOOD stone pot, chop up meat into mouth sized chunks, then add taters and maters and pig pearls and wabbit spears! Cover the pot over low flame or even in coals. Make sure you add just a little bit of water, so it wont burn In a few hours, you will have a scrumptious dinner! You can also add some diced bat wings, or even a few lizards for variety! 14

(Human Translation) Goblin Stew Basically—Beef Stew This can be cooked several different ways. Stove top or slow cooker My personal favorite is in a slow cooker /Crock Pot Cut up a 2 to 3 lbs roast, or use stew meat. Add 1 cup of water, (9 or more if on stove top—need to make sure ingredients are covered) (4 to 6) diced potatoes, 1– 16 oz can stewed tomatoes 1/2 to 1 cup diced baby carrots 1/2 to 1 cup pearl onions 1 or 2 stalks of celery diced 1 cup of frozen peas (optional) Cook in slow cooker for 6 to 8 hours. Check for water levels to make sure it isn't burning. Add Salt and Pepper and Garlic seasoning to taste! 15

Ugly One Horned Mule Wraps If you can ever find an ugly one horned mule meat, GRAB IT! Humans call them Unicorns, but that’s just cause humans like pretty names! Their meat is spicy and soo delishicious! Get a slab of meat, one or two pounds worth! Soak it in some marinating sauce overnight, and add some spicy spices to it! Next day, cook it over an open flame grill, then slice it into thin strips, and recook in sliced onions and peppers! Then grab some Banshee slime, or if you can find some fresh mermaid slime, that’s tasty too! I like the green mermaid slime, nice and zesty, though it can be a tab bit hot in taste. Use clabbered cow juice, it’s thick and some- times clumpy, just stir it up, and spread on flat bread, then add sliced meat and onions and peppers, and top it off with Orange Ogre snot and either red Banshee slime or green mermaid slime! Enjoy! 16

(Human Translation) Ugly One Horned Mule Wraps (Ugly One Horned Mule—Unicorn) No, we will use Flank steak or Fajita meat! Grill Fajita meat on grill or griddle, and then slice into strips, then grill just a little bit longer with onions and peppers till onions become caramelized. Then heat tortillas for 30 seconds or so, 15 if in microwave. Additional items: Sour cream—(clabbered Cow Juice) Pico / Picante sauce / Green chili sauce (Banshee slime, or Mermaid slime) Shredded Cheese (Dried Ogre Snot) Flat bred—(Tortilla’s) Can also serve with tortilla chips and cheese dip! 17

Finger Wraps in Werewolf Sauce For good afternoon snack, I sometimes love to fix some “Finger Wraps” and add some fresh ‘WereWolf sauce over them! Get about a dozen or so Troll fingers, heat them over a flame, and put them in a fat bread you get from humans. They are long and split down the sides, just perfect for Troll fingers. I sometimes add some pureed buttercup fairies to the bread first, then the troll fingers, and pour the werewolf sauce over top! I even add some diced onions on top! MMMMM… Good snack for a lazy day! Ohh make sure you remove the bones! 18

(Human Translation) Finger Wraps in Werewolf Sauce Troll Fingers—Hot Dogs Fat Bread—Hot Dog Buns Pureed Buttercup Fairies—Mustard Werewolf sauce—Chili with no beans NOTE: You can add some green or blue food color- ing as you boil the hotdogs. If you cook over a flame, just explain that you had to remove the skin from the fingers, they were dirty! And you got fresh buns, the goblin ones were moldy! Cook Hot dogs, and add mustard to buns and then add hot dogs, and pour chili over, add diced onions if preferred! 19

Werewolf Sauce One of my mostest favoritest foods! Werewolf Sauce! I have to trade with an old witch to get her canned Werewolf Sauce, and somedays, she de- mands that I sample some of her other dishes first. Some of them, would make a buzzard puke if they ate it, but I try to be nice to her. She says she casts a spell every full moon to catch werewolves running in the woods. She then hacks them up into bite sized pieces for her sauce. She said it takes her all night and the next day to make a good batch! You can smell it for miles when she makes a fresh batch, smells soo GOOD! 20

(Human Translation) Werewolf Sauce Werewolf sauce—Canned Chili—no beans Or you can make home made chili! A big pot of home made chili is a great meal by itself! I always add Canned Chili tomatoes and salt n pepper and sometimes just a dash of Garlic salt! You can also add some diced onions and peppers to it. Now you know where the brand name.. Wolf Brand Chili comes from! 21

Rapuzel’s Dirt Pudding This tis a great delicacy from the Royal Goblin Court—Dirt Pudding! What ya need is a box of ground WormWood, a bag of oak tree bark, a really really OLD oak tree is the best! Some crumbed beetles, and some fresh pond scum. None of the old brown crispy scum, has too many dead bugs in that scum. First off, you mix up the ground wormwood as directed, in a bowl, set aside when finished. Then add dried beetles into the mix. Mix WELL! Layer some old tree bark in a pan, ad worm- wood mix till all is in the pan. Then top with fresh pondscum Let it set for a few hours.. In a chilly place.. And then SERVE.. Ohh YUMMY!! Need a SPOON to eat this with! 22

(Human Translation) Rapunzel’s Dirt Pudding This is a great delicacy from the Royal Goblin Court—Dirt Pudding Hmmm… the closest I can think of, is a chocolate pudding with Cookies! Mix your favorite pudding mix up, for a Goblin theme, I’d use Pistachio pudding (its green) with some crumbled oreo’s (for the beetles). I would them layer some Vanilla wafers, or alternate between oreo’s and vanilla wafers in the bottom of the pan, and pour mix over them. Pond Scum—Whipped cream topping, Cool Whip, or even add some blue n green food coloring to the mix before adding to the pudding. You could also add some gummy worms for cool grossness!! 23

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