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[bookexcerpt] beer may come later. of, it’s usually for a common-enough PHOTOGRAPHS BY (PREVIOUS PAGE) ALEX MAJOLI/MAGNUM PHOTOS, Me: May come later? purpose.) (ABOVE) LADI KIRN/ALAMY, (RIGHT) JONAS BENDIKSEN/MAGNUM PHOTOS the instant we climb out of the taxi Waiter: Yes, sir. all the way to the platform, he stays Me: Um, okay, just a mineral water Because I’ll need help to get a close- with us stride for stride. Through my up look at the real motor of Indian constant rejection—first polite, then then and the vegetable curry. financial might, one of the first increasingly belligerent—his pitch Waiter: Yes, sir. I will check on the people I contact in Mumbai is Anurag continues for 15 nonstop minutes Chaturvedi, a mustachioed, 55- and includes everything from the water. year-old muckraking journalist—not unimpeachable standards of Indian quite an Indian Geraldo, but it’s a journalism to the seven hungry The most spectacular example of reasonable image. mouths he’s got to feed at home. India’s audacious rise through the ranks of world economic titans is Anurag drives us to Bhiwandi, a We finally shake the guy when we Mumbai. With 14 million people, textile city of 600,000 just northeast load into our reserved second-class Mumbai is not simply the world’s of Mumbai. Anurag and I can barely compartment, only to have him burst largest and most densely populated hear each other speak over the racket through the curtain two minutes later city; according to the superb Indian of hundreds of old-fashioned power and start laying out his entire stock writer and Pulitzer Prize finalist looms churning away inside open on a bunk, demanding payment for Suketu Mehta, it’s “the future of urban warehouses. Massive machines with magazines we damaged by forcing civilization on the planet. God help us.” intricate gears and long, jointed levers him to chase us through the station. that work like the jaws of mechanical To get rid of him I have to literally One of the first things you notice dinosaurs, some of the looms were push him out of the compartment about Mumbai is that while it is indeed brought to India nearly a century ago and off the train—after agreeing to an intestinal collage of organized pan- by the British. They still spool out bolts buy a fucking magazine. I know, I’m a demonium, things somehow manage of cloth as long as there’s electricity chump, but this is the way it happens. to function. Traffic moves along. in Bhiwandi, which is usually eight to People appear to have business afoot, ten hours a day. Walking the streets I’m not asking for change. India or at least somewhere to go. You don’t here is like taking a stroll through the without its army of sleazy, dishonest, see aimless thousands squatting on Industrial Revolution. pushy merchants would be as lack- broken sidewalks. (When Indians luster and “safe” as America’s smoke- squat, something you do see a lot free bars. I’m just saying, even if they’d actually let you look at the merchandise without crawling into your underwear and telling you it’s the wrong size, you can only take so much abuse from a gang of opportunists whose personal sensitivity ranks just below Phnom Penh cathouse touts. A typical, verbatim exchange: Me (entering restaurant): Is the full menu available? Waiter: Yes, sir! Please have a seat. Me (ten minutes later): I’ll have the tandoori chicken and a garlic naan. Waiter: So sorry, sir, these items are not available because we are not operating the tandoor oven. Me: No naan, either? Waiter: Yes, sir. Because not busy today. Me: But you told me the full menu was available. That’s why I asked. Waiter: Yes, sir. Me: Could I at least get that beer? Waiter: So sorry, sir, because we have no license for beer, sir. Me: Because you have no license for beer, what? Waiter: Yes, sir. Me: Because you have no alcohol license you have no beer? Waiter: Yes, sir. Me: But when I sat down you took my order for a beer. Waiter: Yes, sir. One large Kingfisher beer, sir. Me: But there’s no beer? Waiter: So sorry, sir. Because we have no license for beer, sir. The 50 PENTHOUSE.COM

We have identical chats with about their business. During daylight hours you’d never suspect that the Mumbai, the world’s largestseveralloomworkers.Theywork,they neighborhood is also home to 4,000 prostitutes and that “specialty” struggle to feed their families, they blocks filled with transgender whores, S&M practitioners, and Sri Lankan and city, is, an Indian writer says,attachnogeopoliticalimplication Nepalese women are accessible any time of day. to this endeavor. Bored with these “Men pay on a ‘per shot’ system,” “the future of urbanrepetitive interactions, Anurag directs one completely gray-haired, 40-year- civilization.God help us.”myattentiontorowsofdank,earthen- old ladylord informs me. She sits on a plastic stool in front of a crumbling floor shanties crammed amid the concrete apartment. The gutter in front of her is backed up with garbage factories. Inside these crude shelters, and human shit. Hundreds of flies hover around the woman’s head. a sizable community of prostitutes they have sex with customers. “Beds” The business arrangement is the spends the afternoons and evenings made of soiled rugs or sheets over same as in Bhiwandi, she explains. A girl picks up a customer, brings waiting to service the loom workers small concrete platforms sit inside him back to the “brothel,” pays the ladylord her cut, and gets down to and truck drivers who constantly closet-size rooms. While truckers business as soon as possible. A typical girl will bring in four or five customers come and go, delivering raw materials and yarn spinners get blown for five a night. Ten or 15 girls regularly use her rooms. The ladylord is a former and hauling out finished product. bucks by 19-year-olds, power looms prostitute herself, and I ask if she feels any guilt or hesitation about her work. Anurag greets an old woman sit- clank and crash away next door, “My only obligation is to give the ting on a stoop and we enter a room bringing India’s economic miracle girls a condom when they come in,” she says. “Whether they use them or where five women sit in the dark to Old Navy and Banana Republic not, it’s no concern of mine.” watching a soap opera on TV. The shoppers who appreciate the value of I ask to look inside. The ladylord asks me to take off my shoes, then teenagers are painted like French affordable clothing. This is how India’s calls for a young girl in the back of the house. Without looking at me, tarts but the effect is more like little industrial boom looks to Anurag, the girl leads me through a short, dark passageway, past a series of girls who’ve gotten into their mothers’ and when you’re standing in the makeup bags. The older ones have middle of it trying to pry two words of gone to considerably less effort to conversation out of a lifeless, 25-year- gussy up. The house smells like a old prostitute who looks 55, it’s a hard locker room. There isn’t the slightest vision to dispute. pretense of Pretty Woman “working Sordid as Bhiwandi is, it’s nothing girl” glamour here. compared to a workers’ district “Success in India only begets more we visit in central Mumbai, where prostitution,” Anurag says grimly. donated clothes from around the “Very few are sharing in the prosperity world arrive by the truckload to be of this new economy.” cleaned, pressed, tagged, shoved The price for services ranges from in plastic bags, and resold in Asian 100 to 1,000 rupees (between 2 and markets. Like other Mumbai ghettos, 20 dollars). Girls turn over 20 to 50 this one is alive from sunup to sun- percent of this take to a “ladylord” down with food hawkers, street stalls, who owns the dismal rooms where and tens of thousands of others going 51

[bookexcerpt] tiny spaces partitioned by cardboard lungs through wet cotton balls. organization, 50 million girls and or scrap wood into miniature fuck I crouch down and creep through women are missing from India’s chambers. I can only pray that the population as a result of systematic, liquid on the floor that’s soaking the hole. The room has just enough sex-based violence. through my socks is water. space for an ancient cot. The mattress on top is black with mold. Not “Our only requirement for leading At the end of the hallway, the girl spotted—black. The walls are an evil you on this tour is to publicize our shifts a large piece of cardboard away shade of congealed brown and black. website,” Anurag tells me. After a from the concrete, revealing a literal I couldn’t get a hard-on in this sex day like this, he hardly needs to ask: hole in the wall. A suffocating cloud of dungeon if Beyoncé was fluffing me ApneAap.org. mildew and spunk hits me in the face. with 1986 Susanna Hoffs’ tongue. It’s about 105 degrees—after spending Despite the horrors of the Indian slum a summer month in a place where guys “Do any of the men have trouble economy, I find little reason in Mumbai get sweat stains on their ties, you get performing in here?” I ask the girl. to fear India. Touring the filth, poverty, pretty good at feeling the difference and decay makes you worry more between 105 and 108. I gasp for air, “It’s okay,” she says noncom- about where Indians will get their next which feels like it’s passing into my mittally. drink of clean water than U.S. tech- support jobs disappearing. Between the pauses in our sizable language barrier I realize that my Of course, it isn’t Indian workers netherworld escort assumes I’ve that Americans should fear. The idea got more in mind than an academic of resenting “Indians” for snarfing investigation of the sexual habits of jobs from “Americans” strikes me as a Indian wage workers. This is under- drastic misinterpretation of reality in standable under the circumstances— an age when corporations have gone serious journalism often doesn’t look global and workers the world over much different from opportunistic have become interchangeable. I put scumbaggery. “Indian” and “American” in quotation marks because since corporations no With night approaching, I shake longer recognize allegiance to any hands with Anurag in front of a soup nationality, it makes little sense to kitchen established for prostitutes apply those labels to their workers. and their children. Although he works as a journalist, Anurag is on the You can’t blame Indians for board of Apne Aap, a Calcutta-based taking work when it’s offered. Indian nonprofit dedicated to rescuing streets are filled with people living prostitutes and bringing an end to in conditions that would shock a human trafficking. According to Apne Aap and at least one other 52 PENTHOUSE.COM

1920s Mississippi sharecropper. Any “Success in India only begets more prostitution,” American in their position would take my guide tells me.“Very few are sharing in the the same job from a foreign employer prosperityof thisneweconomy.” and, in fact, many do. Just ask an auto- PHOTOGRAPHS BY (TOP LEFT) ALEX MAJOLI/MAGNUM PHOTOS, (LEFT) worker in Ohio or Texas who’s slapping dancers out of their $300 jeans. After long, wretched streaks as he bangs ROBERT WALLIS/CORBIS, (RIGHT) NIK WHEELER/SYGMA/CORBIS together cars for Honda or Toyota. the tour with Anurag, it’s a relief to away for attention. find that all is not squalor, and I end There are two Indias. One is up having a great time and many I reach for my wallet, but the driver wealthy, technologically fluent, fantastic meals in Mumbai, though leans across the front seat, thumps on and ferociously expansionist. The the most lasting impression comes the window, and curses the boy with other is hopeless. Like the point on the way back out to the airport, a violent Hindi threat. Ignoring the and eraser of a pencil, the two are when a handless boy staggers to my driver, the boy curls a flap of skin inextricably connected yet will never cab at a red light and begins pounding where his lip has once been, cocks his meet, and are fated to fulfill utterly on the window inches from my face. head, and appeals to me with phan- different destinies. Westerners are I look up to see that the boy’s head tom eyes. I roll down the window, but comfortable with the idea of a starv- has been completely burned, so the light turns green. The driver smiles ing brown horde forever on the hideously disfigured that it’s melted at me. “Forget him,” he says, oblivious butt-end of progress. As it’s become into a permanent Halloween mask. A to the fact that I never will. We speed sharper, however, it’s the tip of the few patches of skin hang off his face; away, leaving the handless boy to try pencil we’ve been led to fear. spectral eyes bulge out of receding his luck at the next red light. sockets; teeth and gums are clenched The idea of a Third World rich/poor as though he’s already a cadaver— From the book To Hellholes and dichotomy isn’t an original one, but walking, breathing, but otherwise Back: Bribes, Lies, and the Art for those who haven’t seen it close- dead. The stumps where his hands of Extreme Tourism by Chuck up, it bears explaining that the two should be are covered in a ghastly Thompson. Copyright © 2009 Indias often exist within inches of white secretion, like milk or heavy Chuck Thompson. Reprinted by one another. Show me another place cream, which smears the window with arrangement with Henry Holt and on earth where outside the door of a Company, LLC. newly opened hotel bar that charges $25 for a martini—you’d think you were in Manhattan, especially with the way they serve it a notch above lukewarm—six-year-old orphans beg in front of open sewer flues. I overpay at a number of these up-market bars in the company of a pair of local go-getters: Anjan Das, art director of Rolling Stone’s India edition, and his girlfriend, Jennifer, a refugee from the New York magazine world working on several high-profile local launches. With its emerging class of fashion-conscious credit- card holders, Mumbai has become a flourishing market for Western publishers—Vogue, OK!, People, GQ, InStyle, and many other familiar titles have appeared in recent years— hoping to make up for dead sales at home by scoring accounts with choice Indian advertisers. “Sales of Western magazines are already far better than expected,” Anjan tells me. “People don’t actually read the magazines, they just leave them in their apartments or cars so that other people can look at the pic- tures and say, ‘Oh, she’s into Vogue or InStyle.’ ” So, in addition to everything else, the publishing industry has exported the same art-director mentality that’s been driving Western editors to apoplexy for centuries. For three nights, Anjan, Jennifer, and I hit clubs and restaurants where Indian businessmen power through $200 bottles of Scotch and try to get sexsational Bollywood “item girl” 53

[talkingpoints]

FrVoinntyıelr Record sales neared two million units last year, and the old-school format—seemingly left for dead by the rise of digital music in the nineties—now looks likely to outlive the CD. How did this happen? By Nathaniel Friedman Vinyl is back. That has a nice iPods, and file-sharing networks, ring to it, like “rock is back.” which took us to our current position, And it’s true—those flat in a musical galaxy seemingly far, far black platters that an entire away from the age of records. generation gave up on as inferior are being sold again But now, against all conventional in stores near you. But the expectations, vinyl has returned. deeper truth is, vinyl, like rock, The whys and wherefores—on the never really went away. face of it at least—are a mystery. “I would never have believed what I’m Here are the broad outlines of seeing today with record sales going up,” says journalist, hi-fi expert, and the fate of the medium: Records— longtime vinyl advocate Michael Fremer. “Best Buy is stocking vinyl cumbersome, fragile, and frequently again; Amazon is selling vinyl.” riddled with pops and crackles—took Yet if you ask vinyl mavens such as Mike Notaro of Shady Dog Records, a hit in the early eighties when cas- a record lovers’ paradise outside Philadelphia, you’ll hear a different settes, which allowed for portable, perspective: “There was this miscon- ception that nobody was buying vinyl reproducible music, outstripped vinyl anymore. But we were making all of our profit on vinyl for the past eight or in sales. Maybe the sound was smaller, ten years.” but it was nothing a little volume There are plenty of music-scene factions that stayed interested in vinyl couldn’t solve, especially when you after the format had supposedly died out, and remain so to this day. Hip- could crank up the boom box on the hop, for starters, has always relied heavily on wax. DJ Premier, the über- back porch. That was the first strike producer best known as half of the duo Gang Starr, calls hip-hop “a vinyl- against vinyl. The death blow came oriented sport.” Deejays are expected to make sets their own by blending, with the introduction of the compact scratching, or extending tracks; until disc toward the end of the eighties— shiny, supposedly indestructible baubles that looked like the future. That digital format gave way to the seismic shift a decade later of MP3s, 55

[talkingpoints] the compact disc; I wrote articles in old favorites, rediscovering what music magazines, and then I started it was that made records at once the advent of the digital software a letter-writing campaign. There was a pain and totally special. Bands Serato (more on that later), only a group called the Compact Disc such as Coldplay and others have records made this possible. In the Group, put together by the industry started including a CD or free digital early days, deejays looped records to to promote compact discs. I went to download with their vinyl releases, piece together the first rudimentary their meetings, and I literally stalked smartly catering to this rising hip-hop beat; in the eighties, pro- the head of the group. It was crazy.” dual impulse among audiences— ducers such as Premier made beats embracing both the convenience from obscure samples, culled from old But the protests of Fremer and of digital and the special qualities vinyl and born out of a desire for what countless others were so much of vinyl. Premier calls “those unique sounds, howling at the moon. Compact the instruments that those artists discs—and digital technology in That’s the one thing everyone used back in the sixties, seventies, and general—were never going to be can agree on: There’s something eighties.” stopped. So here we are today, with special about vinyl. Skipping around kids who have spent their entire lives tracks on a CD, or entering into a Hip-hop’s quest for unknown or consuming digital music—and yet are disposable interaction with a digital rare records overlapped with and now buying turntables and, without file, is the height of music-on-call. It infused new life into the community giving up their iPods, stockpiling vinyl. invites impatience, hasty judgment, of record collectors, another con- stituency (albeit tiny) that helped Vinyl offers bigger sound, frame- keep vinyl alive during the eighties worthy cover art, the heavily engaged and nineties. As record collectors, well, they obviously had no choice but listening of letting a side play out— to stick with vinyl, and they welcomed in short, all the pleasures that (gulp) their the jolt to the market provided by hip-hop producers’ thirst for obscure parents savored in the format. beats and vintage sounds. They’re realizing that, while digital Cosmo Baker At the same time, indie rock and media may represent the apogee hardcore stuck with vinyl because it of convenience, vinyl highlights the was cheaper and, in a sense, rebel- other end of the spectrum: bigger lious. The seven-inch single became sound, frame-worthy cover art, the a common currency in those scenes, heavily engaged listening of letting and while LPs were more rare, they a side play out, and the feeling that, were also cheaper to make than CDs. yes, recorded music can have a very Paul Cardillo, the director of retail physical kind of being—in short, all sales and distribution for Chapel Hill’s the pleasures that (gulp) their parents Merge Records—a label founded by savored in the format. Indeed, while indie rock stalwarts Superchunk, and some parents are shocked to see home to such acts as Arcade Fire, their children taking up the format Spoon, and Conor Oberst—says, they thought they’d left behind “We’re one of those labels that’s forever, others are dusting off their always had a niche market—two or three percent of our customers always want their music on vinyl.” But during the past three or four years, Merge has started catering more directly to this niche. “We’ve started doing it on higher-quality vinyl, making a bigger deal of our releases.” In previous decades, vinyl had a powerful symbolic quality in indie- rock circles: It was nearly synonymous with refusing to sell out to major labels. That quality has faded over time, but even today, according to Cardillo, “[Some] young people who are buying it think, This is more indie, or, This is cooler to have it on vinyl. But [for most] it’s more of an aesthetic.” Smaller than any of these groups, but no less vocal in support of vinyl, has been the audiophile community. For most of them, vinyl is and always will be the format of choice since, if cared for properly, records yield a dynamic range and full-bodied sound that remain unmatched. Says hi-fi journalist Fremer, “I tried to kill 56 PENTHOUSE.COM

DJ Premier Friends will gather to sit around and records still deliver a sound that the listen to records. I’ve never heard of digital era has yet to match. a get-together that centered on staring at an iPod. With a record, you Fremer compares it to books, at least listen to a side in its entirety, another “antiquated” and intimate and with that fuller, richer sound, form that no amount of technological you’re drawn in. progress has been able to replace— yes, the Kindle exists, but no one’s All of this gets at the strangest falling asleep with a Kindle smushed part of the vinyl resurgence: No into their bed. It’s not about a fashion- one involved denies that, as far as able throwback, or an attachment technology goes, LPs are nearly to tradition, but a way of consuming primitive. It’s not for nothing that the music that, according to Stereophile’s aforementioned Serato—software Mejias, is “inherently nostalgic, in that allows deejays to operate without the sense that all recordings in all having to lug their crates of records formats are trying to capture a piece with them to every gig—has become of the past. I think vinyl tends to a staple of the trade. Even veterans communicate that sense of time travel accept it, albeit with some qualifiers better than other formats.” Baker dramatizes it even further, comparing PHOTOGRAPHS BY (PREVIOUS SPREAD) ANDRZEJ TOKARSKI/ALAMY; and wandering attention. Listening attached. DJ Premier believes that “to the difference between CDs and vinyl (CLOCKWISE FROM LEFT) IAN MEYER, LUKE MACGREGOR/REUTERS/CORBIS, IAN to records, however, forms a totally own Serato, you should have to own a to “looking at Picasso’s ‘Guernica’ on MEYER, JONNY BAKER/GETTY IMAGES different relationship with music. thousand records, minimum.” Cosmo the craziest HD screen ... and actually There’s that cover art we mentioned: Baker of the New York deejay collec- looking at the painting, [where] you big, beautiful, and, really, a stand- tive the Rub describes a “backlash of can feel the brush strokes, you can alone art object (they do, after all, sell sorts” against Serato, saying, “There’s feel the energy, and you can feel the LP cover frames these days). Then a lot of people who think, I’ll go and immensity of that painting on canvas.” there’s the disc itself—spinning the play my nightclub, which is all Top black circle, as Pearl Jam once put it. 40, and I don’t really care what the Paradoxically, it took the rise of the Yes, maybe you’ve got to be careful quality is of the file. But when it comes MP3 for a younger generation to about dropping your records. But the down to me, playing at this particular appreciate what they might be mis- LP is so tactile, so substantial, that it venue on this particular night with sing, and for older folks to remember. brings you closer to the music than these particular records, it has to be Technology took things so far in one the piddling CD or the disembodied vinyl.” In other words, they may be direction that consumers began to digital file ever could. inconvenient and cumbersome, but yearn for what had been lost in the march of progress. It’s only fitting As Stereophile’s Stephen Mejias that vinyl is now inextricably tied to puts it, “Vinyl is a format that de- the record store’s future. Says Shady mands a sort of participation, an Dog’s Dave Castleman, “Whatever the attention, and creates a quality future of the music business is, okay, experience.” Many have called it vinyl has a place. CDs probably have “ritualistic”; certainly, it’s communal: a place for another five to ten years, but over time, in terms of the amount of square footage they’ll be taking in any store, that’s going to be shrink- ing.” Who would have predicted that development during the CD’s ascen- dancy in the late eighties? Further, as record dealer Ari Leichtman observes, “There’s loads of music that’s really never seen the light of day via any other format” than vinyl. For this kind of rare music, labels such as Chicago’s archive-minded Numero Group press high-quality comps, the better to prolong its hothouse-flower- like existence. And it bears repeating: The bottom line is that vinyl just sounds better. Jonathan Valin, executive editor of The Absolute Sound, doesn’t expect a horde of converts to high-end audio, but is encouraged by the fact that “sound quality is back on the table,” which in turn makes music all the more enjoyable. Just take care not to get your fingerprints on it. 57

[hard news] A COMPENDIUM OF CARNAL KNOWLEDGE Sex, in all its lurid detail, has Andersen (top), These PHOTOGRAPHS (LEFT AND TOP) COURTESY OF CHRISTIE’S, (TOP RIGHT) COURTESY OF ANTIQUORUM had a prominent place in Piquet & Meylan pocket-size AUCTIONEERS, (BOTTOM RIGHT) COURTESY OF STEFAN KUDOKE traditional Swiss watchmaking. But the biggest draw for fans of peep ack before Penthouse these carnal clocks is in the highly shows existed in print, on video, complicated mechanical figurines expose and online, men could known as automata. Blancpain set a such taboo discreetly indulge their milestone in this genre in 1993 when matchups secret fantasies while it introduced Calibre 332, the world’s as three- appearing to check the first minute-repeater wristwatch with ways, time. Throughout Europe during the automata. According to Chia, the multiethnic rigid and chaste eighteenth century, creation of minute repeaters is one couples, sex acts were graphically depicted on of the most difficult challenges in the and monks pocket watches created by some of world of haute horology; no more and nuns the most prestigious watchmakers. than a handful leave the Blancpain performing These erotic watches were known workshop monthly. anything as “conversation pieces,” and were used less as a measure of time and Like Blancpain, Ulysse Nardin has but more as an object of seduction and produced erotic watches for more penance. personal pleasure by European than 12 years. These are an integral noblemen. “Erotic timepieces were part of the brand’s highly complicated subject matter is playful. An inspi- a status symbol, measuring the Hourstrikers and Minute Repeaters, ration for both Ulysse Nardin and owner’s wealth, elegance, and libido,” says Patrik Hoffmann, vice president, independent watchmaker Svend says Osvaldo Patrizzi, watch expert and the brand makes only about 20 Andersen was the Oval Office antics and owner of Patrizzi & Company Erotica Hourstriker watches a year. of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Auctioneers in Geneva, Switzerland. Ulysse Nardin’s design was hand- Typically concealed in a secret While the craftsmanship in erotic crafted in cloisonné enamel, compartment of a fob watch, these watches is of a serious nature, the custom-made for a private collector, pocket-size peep shows expose such Hoffman says. Andersen’s version was taboo matchups as three-ways, multi- crafted in platinum with concealed ethnic couples, and monks and nuns erotic automation on the watch back. performing anything but penance. It sold at a Christies’ sale in New York This rich and dirty tradition also in June for nearly $14,000. appears on clocks and on match, snuff, and music boxes, and has Known for his highly complicated evolved in the past century to automations, Andersen produces encompass wristwatches. watches with nearly a dozen Some of the most respected independent movements (erotic watch brands, such as Ulysse Nardin, automatons in antiquarian watches Blancpain, and Svend Andersen, sell typically have three or four). His Erotic their own modern haute-porn in a sort of shadow market for in-the-know clientele. To create these salacious scenes, watchmakers use such labor- intensive processes as hand engraving on gold and cloisonné enameling techniques developed by Huguenot artisans 300 years ago, says Amy Chia, spokesperson for Blancpain. 58 PENTHOUSE.COM

Coffee,Tea,or Me? W. W. Wattles (top), Five Everett, Washington, women Kudoke 69 each face 90 days in jail and a $1,000 fine for prostitution—for offenses allegedly committed while pouring barista recently threw boiling water coffee for commuters. Several on a patron who repeatedly exposed drive-through espresso stands are himself to her at the drive-through, facing complaints from locals that touching himself while wearing their bikini-clad baristas are offering women’s panties on his face. So far more than cream and sugar with the he’s evaded capture, as his license coffee. After a two-month undercover plate was also covered by a pair of investigation of Grab-n-Go Espresso, undies.—Christine Colby Police Sergeant Robert Goetz told Q13 FOX News in September, “For extra money, these women would expose their entire body. If they were wearing a bikini, they would either take it off or at least lower it.” Witnesses report seeing bikini babes flashing their boobs, pussies, and asses; licking whipped cream off one another; and allowing customers to cop feels for tips. While no intercourse is alleged, exchanging gropes for tips is considered prostitution by city law. The Java Girls bikini espresso stand in Parkland, Washington, is having the opposite problem. One PHOTOGRAPHS BY (BIKINI BARISTAS) BE&W AGENCJA FOTOGRAFICZNA SP. Z O.O./ALAMY, (GLUE) IMAGESTATE/ALAMY Sticky Situation NotSoftServe,WeGuess Automaton Wristwatch, created in The Icecreamists, a boutique A Wisconsin man endured She cut off his underwear 1996, has 11 parts in motion, including ice-cream shop, opened this more pain and humiliation and summoned the other a panting, tail-wagging, voyeuristic September in Selfridges, a than the average adulterer women, along with Ziemann’s dog, all powered for two minutes by a high-end department store when his dick was glued to sister, Michelle Belliveau, special independent wheelwork. in London. Their signature his stomach. who was not romantically confection, the Sex Pistol, is involved with him. Erotic timepieces continue to said to have the same libido- After the 37-year-old attract watch collectors, says Sam boosting qualities as Viagra. man’s wife, Tracy Hood- Ziemann has been ac- Hines, head of watches at Christie’s Ingredients include herbal Davis, caught wind of his cused of hitting her lover Auction House in New York. He notes stimulants ginkgo biloba, infidelity with two other in the face and using Krazy that the Clinton watch by Andersen arginine, and guarana, and women, she informed the Glue to attach his penis to his sold to a private collector in Northern it’s served with absinthe, the ladies that her husband was stomach. The man started Asia. Sex sells, of course. We all know highly intoxicating green not only cheating on her, but screaming when he was that. But because these watches are liqueur. This adult ice-cream on them, too. superglued, and the women limited in number, they’re even more soda is so potent that it’s fled—allegedly taking his valuable to collectors. restricted to sweet tooths Authorities said Hood- wallet, phone, and car with of 18 years and older, and Davis, along with Therese them. He managed to free Thinking of investing in an erotic limited to one per customer. Ziemann and Wendy Sewell, himself by chewing through watch? Independent German Of course, if the £20 treat allegedly hatched a plot to his bonds, and he ran out the watchmaker Stefan Kudoke just truly has its purported exact revenge. Ziemann, door naked to find help. launched his first erotic design, which effects, you probably won’t who’d met Hood-Davis’s reveals the chiseled bodies of two want to be hanging around husband on Craigslist and All four women are lovers in his signature “skeletonized” in a department-store lent him $3,000, lured him to being charged with felony style. Hurry, only 69 are available. basement any longer than a motel with the promise of false imprisonment, while — Deborah Yonick necessary—unless you’re in a kinky coupling. After Ziemann faces additional the bedding aisle.—C.C. Ziemann suggested some charges of misdemeanor bondage play, he let her battery and sexual assault. blindfold him and tie him up. —Jennifer Peters 59

[warriorwire] n Peter van Agtmael’s new Incandescent images of what our soldiers endure to fight book of combat photographs what was supposed to be a shared war. documenting America’s wars By John Rico • Photographs by Peter van Agtmael in Iraq and Afghanistan, there is an image that shows a soldier being treated immediately after getting shot in an ambush. The photo was taken in the dark, within that inky, lonely void that constitutes Afghanistan’s sky at night, where there are no street- lights or residual glow from distant cities. Like an X-ray fracturing the gloom, it’s an incandescent snapshot of chaos, a photograph illuminated only by a soldier’s flashlight that angles just right for the briefest of moments, and what it captures is haunting: a frozen moment of anxious faces amid the intensity of combat. As a former combat soldier who served in Afghanistan, I can attest that these sorts of fractious mental imprints are the exact same moments that the mind remembers long after you’ve returned to America— experiences that passed too quickly to be seen with the naked eye, but are nonetheless felt implicitly in nightmares. The caption next to the photo dryly informs us that, upon landing at base in the helicopter, the 60 PENTHOUSE.COM

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[warriorwire] mess that remains after surgery in an ing that showing the wounded reality Army field hospital, and of exhausted, of war is somehow staking a political casualties were rushed out while war-weary soldiers struggling to position. Some might argue that blood from the body poured onto keep their heads above water. One such images of wounded warriors are the tarmac. It ends with this casual particularly horrific image shows a exploitation, like photographing explanation: “We left the scene to soldier on an operating-room table flag-draped coffins. But for van Agt- buy coffee smoothies. The pilot got a after being blown up by an IED in a mael, it’s a form of due respect, as if haircut. Korengal Valley, Afghanistan.” roadside explosion; there are burns to say, This is what our soldiers have on 90 percent of his body, and the endured to fight what was supposed During a phone interview after soldier’s skin is so translucent that you to be a shared war. being back from Afghanistan not yet can see the muscles underneath. a week, van Agtmael explains the Collectively, the images are some- seemingly indifferent caption: “For a But the images aren’t simply lot of the soldiers, it was their second a collection of American heroics; or third deployment; I think they were there are also images of soldiers tapped out emotionally. They can’t victimizing Iraqi families, as van agonize over each death because Agtmael “blurs the line between there’s just going to be another one perpetrator and victim.” The images the next day.” are purposefully diverse—weary mud-covered soldiers on one page, Sometimes, all you can do to stay on the next, Fleet Week in New York sane is get a haircut. It’s a truth that City with the public fawning over only those who have been in combat soldiers in neatly pressed uniforms might understand. as they stand beside tanks tied with festive balloons. A bloodied soldier in When the 28-year-old van Agt- Iraq on one page, a father home from mael was a kid, he was seduced by Afghanistan playing with his children the images of war and imagined on the next. The effect is chilling, and becoming a soldier someday. “I was reflective of the litany of perspectives really fascinated by World War II, and experiences that war inhabits which my grandpa served in,” he within an army of soldiers and within says. “But then I saw a brutal book of the mind of a nation. war photography and it completely freaked me out. It sensitized me and Sight unseen, it’s the sort of book gave me the realization that I never that partisans might criticize, suggest- wanted to kill anybody. That couldn’t be my path. I couldn’t drop bombs or shoot. It was too shocking.” Despite this revelation, van Agt- mael ended up going to war anyway. Five times over the course of three and a half years, he was embedded with frontline units in Iraq and Afghanistan as a photographer. Five times he would find himself in intensive firefights, subject to mortar attacks, and the witness of many detonated roadside improvised explosive devices, or IEDs. “Most of the time I leave, I think I shouldn’t go back,” he tells me. “I think to myself that I’ve gotten all I can out of this situation. And the next opportunity comes around and I never hesitate to go back. It’s in my blood.” And now he’s documented some of the experiences he shared with the soldiers and Marines he served with in a book called 2nd Tour, Hope I Don’t Die, published by Photolucida. It consists of 73 bleak, understated, shocking, and sometimes contra- dictory images that bear witness to America’s current wars and the precious few who have volunteered to serve their nation. And like the book of combat photos of his childhood, van Agtmael’s images are also brutal. There are pictures detailing the aftermath of a suicide bomber, of the 62 PENTHOUSE.COM

myself, and I see them in others, and I of society. I went to a liberal private try to embody them in the pictures.” school and then Yale. I was moving As he writes in his prologue, “There through a peer group that had abso- are so many forms of perception to lutely no attachment to America. make sense of, and they are mostly When you’re in middle-class intel- inconsistent.” lectual circles, these things just aren’t discussed—national service, pride in What the book lacks, with its cap- country. What’s important is one’s tions that refuse analysis, is a moral self, one’s own ambition.” judgment about America’s most recent conflicts. “I’m not a pundit The images in the book aren’t on the war,” van Agtmael says. “I’m linear, nor do they follow the story looking at war from a historical stand- of a single unit or even a single war. point. This isn’t a liberal polemic They jump back and forth in time as or a Republican one.” Then, as if to they intermittently document Iraq, demonstrate the point, we talk about Afghanistan, and the home front. one of his photographs of a pro-war The effect is both purposeful and rally at the Washington Monument, powerful—a top-down view that where a participant asked him if he blurs the distinction between was for or against the war. “I said I was combat zone and home, between neither, but that I’d been to Iraq and the Iraq theater of operations and Afghanistan as a photographer. He Afghanistan. It’s a glimpse inside what was fine with me after that.” might be the fractured memory of a soldier moving endlessly from one The one opinion to be found, and deployment to another. “The point one that resonates throughout the is, the wars are intertwined in the book, is the tenderness the photog American experience,” van Agtmael feels toward the soldiers and Marines says. “The American experience for whose images he’s captured. It’s soldiers, for journalists, going here to Iraq, there to Afghanistan, back and The effect of the photographs is chilling, and forth, and [to] the U.S. in between reflective of the litany of perspectives and multiple tours. I wanted the book to experiences that war inhabits within an army of reflect that chaos.” soldiers and within the mind of a nation. Van Agtmael’s book also offers times confusing, but it’s a confusion an emotion revealed both in his a bleak outlook on our chances for that reflects the reality of war. We humanizing photographs, and in his victory in Afghanistan—what was have become so accustomed to unique choice to follow some of the once, nine years ago, considered politicizing the war for one purpose soldiers home to America, where the “good” war, the necessary war. or another that a simple, raw view- he witnessed many of them having One of his favorite images is of Nick ing of the experience becomes “trouble moving on and putting the Sprovtsoff, who was stationed unsettling. past to rest.” alone with a platoon of Afghan army soldiers who refused to go out on “For me, the truth is always shift- Van Agtmael’s selection of photos patrol and instead stayed in their ing,” van Agtmael explains. “There of rural America to represent the barracks watching movies. Sergeant is great tenderness and great home front reflects his anger that Sprovtsoff looks forlorn within the brutality within the same people simul- the burden of war is being carried darkness as he hugs his pillow and taneously. You can have someone almost entirely by a small fraction of watches television, as if his entire bend over backward for you. He’s society—by the poor, by the people purpose on the deployment was a good to his friends, good to his family. from small-town America who suffer futile gesture. It’s a shot that, for van But he can also blow up a building.” the consequences of decisions but Agtmael, acts as a metaphor for the Van Agtmael is referring to a picture have little voice in the decisions state of the war. of a dirty soldier rising from his themselves. position in a trench as he pets two “We took contact on every patrol dogs. The caption tells the story of “A lot of the towns I ended up we went out on [this last time],” he a soldier shooting a dog to pieces going to were small and isolated,” he explains. “That was the most consis- after it urinated on his equipment. explains. “The fact is, not a lot of kids tent fighting I’ve ever seen, on this “The soldiers were cuddling the from the suburbs are joining up. The last embed. When I first started going dogs and feeding the dogs, and then people who are bearing the burden of there two years ago, you could go wouldn’t hesitate to shoot the dogs. these wars are a really small part of around a pretty decent area around The whole idea of the duality of man society, and it’s a self-selected part Kabul without a problem. Now you is something that I find fascinating. can’t go anywhere without a signifi- Every picture is a self-portrait in some cant threat of kidnapping. Kabul a few way. I feel all these contradictions in years ago was really mellow and now it’s turned into a mini Green Zone. It’s getting worse as far as I can tell.” Van Agtmael is tentatively planning a return to Iraq later this year. It will be his sixth time in a combat zone. 63

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bubnenaych We’ve got our eye on Jessica Wilson, who provides the most compelling evidence we’ve ever seen that Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue shortchanges American men. When it comes to tall, hot, scantily clad blondes at the beach, hints of nudity are a pale second to actual nudity. Now if we could only get our arms around her…. Photographs by Preston Geoffrey Parker 65



“This shoot was perfect for me because I love being on the beach. The sand, the water, the water sports…. Being out on the beach makes me feel very free.” 67

“I have an associate’s degree in business, but then I went to a technical school for a massage-therapy degree. I do massage, model, and even work as a cashier when things are slow.” 68 PENTHOUSE.COM

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“The most daring thing I’ve ever done was race go-karts and sprint cars when I was about 14. Now that I’m older and a bit wiser, I stick to watching racing on television.” 70 PENTHOUSE.COM

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Vital stats: 22 years old 34-28-36; 6'2\" Hometown: Hernando, Mississippi. Your favorite thing about your hometown: It’s close to Memphis, and I love the country and rural areas of Mississippi. Favorite food: Italian, Mexican, soul food. Favorite drink: Dr. Pepper or wine. Favorite music: Rap, soul, hip-hop, rock, blues, country. Favorite way to relax: Sip wine at the beach. Favorite workout: Running. Favorite sports: Tennis, golf, and watching football, racing, Ultimate Fighting, and mixed martial arts. You’re always up for: A good time. You’re never up for: Drama. WE’RE LOOKING FOR THE HOTTEST GIRLS IN AMERICA. GO TO PENTHOUSEMODELS.COM. TO SEE MORE OF JESSICA, VISIT PENTHOUSE.COM. CALL ME! 1-800-799-PETT (1-800-799-7388) CALLERS MUST BE 18 OR OLDER COST: $1.99 TO $2.99/MINUTE

“My perfect guy has a tall order to fulfill … literally. He’ll be taller than I am and about my age, funny, and have a big heart. And since the most exciting place I’ve ever made love is on a boat in the middle of the ocean, he’ll have a big boat, too.”

[peepshow] February2010 PetoftheMonth HeidiBaron Onnewsstands January 19th, 2010 79

[petprojects] Calendar Whenitcomestosuggestinglast- Girlst’s no secret that Pets Aria Giovanni, minutegifts,wehatetodistract Jana Jordan, and Justine Joli are the anyonefromthePenthousePetand definition of nerdy hotness. Now PenthousePinup2010calendars,but fans can enjoy the geek goddesses webelieveinsurroundingourselves in the 2010 Nerdcore horror-themed withasmanynakedand/orscantily calendar. The girls got into the gore; cladwomenaspossible. just check out Aria in the homage to Army of Darkness. (Sadly, ladies is such a pleasant way to spend some time, but you’ll find they’re on a nonbeige car!) Justine got wet and wild for her take the geekiest dates of the year. Of course, San Diego Comic-Con on the Psycho shower scene. “They kept having to spray me and the Alternative Press Expo are included, but there are also down, and I was freezing my balls off,” she tells us. “Luckily, it was listings for the birthdays for top genre actors, key fictional events, a hot day in L.A., so I didn’t really mind.” Cover girl Jana Jordan and major upcoming movie releases. Justine tells us she was a took on Poltergeist, and she jokes, “Even though you can’t see my fan of the calendars even before she was a calendar girl. “They face and my tattoos were Photoshopped out, somehow people did a videogame calendar the first year, and I loved it. When they still know it’s me. I guess I have an ass that’s easily remembered!” approached me to pose, I couldn’t say no. I’m very serious when I You may not notice the calendar listings at first, as admiring the say I’m a nerd, and the guys from Nerdcore are kindred spirits.” 80 PENTHOUSE.COM

By Jennifer Peters and Lainie Speiser Queenof theCage Beautiful blonde Pet Lux Kassidy appeared in a poster with UFC fighter Georges St. Pierre promoting the King of the Cage mixed martial arts fights. Lux is a big fight enthusiast and stays in shape by training for MMA fights herself. “I enjoy being glamorous,” she says, “but I love being athletic, tight, and hard-bodied—and a little bit intimidating, too. I could kick some ass!” She spends most of her time on the MMA circuit as a ring girl, but Lux was recently asked if she’s up for a little cage action of her own. “It’s a possibility,” she says. “May- be sometime next year.” “Ilovehavingsexand beingsexualmorethan anythingelseinthe world.I’veoftenwondered ifIcouldevenbeasex addict.But thenIthink,Is thatreallyaproblem?” —March2008PetoftheMonthBreeOlson Smokin’Pets Wherever there are new Penthouse prod- ucts, Pets are close behind. The girls are big fans of the brand—January 2009 Pet Teagan Presley has even Twittered about her favorite Penthouse pants—and they like to show their Pet pride at appearances promoting the magazine and the company’s products. New Penthouse Lingerie items were launched at the International Lingerie Show this past September, and Pet Lux Kassidy and new Pet of the Year Taylor Vixen went to Las Vegas to model their favorites. Taylor was all about the shoes, showing off the newest fuzzy boots and the hottest high heels. “I love the new Penthouse shoes,” she says. “I want to buy every pair.” Lux proudly displayed a PET-emblazoned thong and showed off the new Penthouse cigars, all while sporting her own pair of Penthouse boots. Lux says, “I’ve been wearing the Penthouse clothes and jewelry everywhere I go. They’re awesome!” The girls also met fans, many of whom showed up with photos and magazines for the centerfolds to sign. “It was a blast,” Taylor said. “Lux and I had a lot of fun.” 81

[hotsheets] ranking as one of the 50 most-visited sites on the Internet. At its core, AdultFriendFinder is a place to find companions among BoHigoht-tyech the profiled members, who include single males and females, couples, and swingers. They post racy photos and videos of themselves, and use the social-networking features to connect with one another. But it’s not all about the sex, although there’s plenty to be found if that’s what you’re looking for. And therein lies the key to AdultFriendFinder: It’s all about what you are looking for. Since there are Calls millionsofmembersfromaround the globe, the site is able to provide a little something for everybody—from voyeurs to exhibitionists, bloggers to experts, lurkers to chatters, kinksters to swingers, and everything in between. Among the many features of the site, you’ll find: A quick and dirty guide to navigating the I LIVEBROADCASTS largest sex and swingers website on the planet. AdultFriendFinder members love to show off—and they’ve got webcams By Sarah Klein so they can prove it. Log on at any time, day or night, and you’ll find millions of members broadcasting live from their beds, living rooms, and rec rooms. Some are hanging out, some are showing off, and some are taking requests. Watch to your heart’s content, or join in the fun and broadcast yourself. HANCESARE,YOU’VEHEARDOFADULTFRIENDFINDER.COM. Maybe one of I BLOGGING your buddies spent a beer-soaked happy hour regaling you with a tale of how he AdultFriendFinder is home to a huge hooked up through the site. Perhaps you caught a quick blip on the news—or you blogging community that covers may have seen an ad for the site in this very publication. AdultFriendFinder was everything from erotic stories to acquired by Penthouse last year, a move that turned the combined enterprise, sexual conquests to dirty humor. With FriendFinder Networks, into the largest men’s lifestyle company in the world. And yet some more than 400,000 member blogs folks still don’t understand what AdultFriendFinder.com is all about. to peruse, you’ll never get bored. You can even “watch” your favorite First, a bit more backstory: AdultFriendFinder has grown into bloggers, so you’ll never miss out on AdultFriendFinder is the largest site one of the most popular sites on the the latest exploits of that hot couple under the FriendFinder Networks Web, boasting more than 30 million from Miami or the cute, single redhead umbrella, which operates several member profiles and consistently from New Orleans. dozen online personals sites that range from PG-rated to strictly adult. I MEMBERVIDEOS FriendFinder.com was launched in AdultFriendFinder’s Video 1996, and AdultFriendFinder soon Introduction allows members to followed. Over the past decade, create their own pre-recorded video and share it with the world. Many of our members use this feature to live out their porn-star fantasies, often finding fame and fans within our Hottest Member Videos Gallery, which showcases the most popular and highly rated videos. I CHATROOMS One of our most popular features, the AdultFriendFinder chat rooms, 82 ADULTFRIENDFINDER.COM

Of course, the fun doesn’t end with AdultFriendFinder. Try some of the other sites under our umbrella. • If you love watching pretty girls broadcast live on camera, check out Cams.com, home to the most beautiful cam girls on the Web. They broadcast 24 hours a day, straight from their beds. lets you connect with members you can chat with like-minded or local • If you like a little slap from around the globe in racy live members any time, day or night. with your tickle, check conversations that can range from out our kinky sister site the silly to the profound. You can also AdultFriendFinder has several Alt.com. It has many arrange private chats, which allow levels of membership, from free to of the same features you to intimately share a chat room premium; some, but not all, of the as AdultFriendFinder, with the women of your choosing. above features are available to free but with a deliciously AdultFriendFinder is also known for members. AdultFriendFinder also darker edge. Use it its Interest Group chat rooms (more has this nifty little innovation called a to explore the online on Groups below), which narrow the point system; you’re awarded points realms of fetishes, role- focus to topical issues. This helps you just for using the site (posting blogs, play, dominance, and find the folks who are into the same uploading photos, etc.) that you can submission—as well as things you are—and allows the curious redeem for a premium membership. to find potential partners to explore new avenues. It’s a fun, no-risk way to try on a for real-time adventures. premium membership and see what I INTERESTGROUPS and where it can get you. • Looking for sexual AdultFriendFinder has more than compatibility? Check 130,000 interest groups where mem- There you have it. But, of course, out our newest site, bers can discuss their favorite sexual the best way to understand how much GetItOn.com, which topics and create their own groups. AdultFriendFinder has to offer is to provides members It’s a great way to home in on folks experience it firsthand. Spend a day with a detailed survey near you, since you can browse local exploring, and you might just end up that results in targeted groups in your area (a popular feature with some real-time explorations with sexual-compatibility for the many swingers groups on the a hottie down the block. There’s only matches. You can get site). Groups include Younger Women one way to find out! exactly what you want. for Older Men, Girls Watching Guys on Cam, Folks That Love Sex—you get the picture. Each interest group has its own dedicated chat room, so

[hotsheets] MEMBER PROFILE t its core, AdultFriendFinder is a place to find companions, as one of our favorite couples can attest. Lee and Dre, known on AdultFriendFinder as Tat2dinvegas, use the social- networking features to connect with new friends and partners. Like we said, AdultFriendFinder members love to show off! “We love AdultFriendFinder for many reasons, but first and foremost, we actually met each other on the website and have been having fun together ever since! What we love most about AdultFriendFinder is the ability to be completely honest without fear of being judged by closed-minded people. We have met some great people, made some meaningful friendships, and had some wild and crazy times, too! Most of all, we just love that we can be ourselves.” 84 ADULTFRIENDFINDER.COM



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cherry poppıng The sexual tension between Cherry and Anita has been growing for weeks, and Anita can’t wait to coach her friend through her first girl-girl experience. Finally, she dares Cherry to a game of strip dice, knowing it won’t take long for things to get hot and heavy. Photographs by Beck Images 87

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[claw& order] BThWe unılcdh Thousands of hawks are beaten to death every year, and federal agent Ed Newcomer thrives on tracking down the killers. But more than that, he and his fellow wildlife cops love the animals they protect. By Peter Laufer he seedy Los Angeles parking lot of undercover infiltrating local roller- the McDonald’s at Sunset and pigeon clubs. Roller pigeons get their Western, an intersection strewn with name from the odd behavior they trash, the restaurant grounds pro- exhibit of falling and rolling in flight. tected by a high fence from the street Aficionados breed the pigeons to scene, is a locale crowded with a roll and fall as much as possible collection of characters actively without crashing to the ground. engaged in what a friend of mine calls During competitions, trainers get “skulking with intent to lurk.” My points for their pigeons based on appointment there was with U.S. Fish the number and style of rolls they and Wildlife Service Special Agent make while flying in circles with other Ed Newcomer. Ed had called me and birds. The trouble is, hawks eat asked if I wanted to witness the type pigeons, and when pigeons are rolling of surveillance work he does to build and falling they look as if they are in cases against violators of fish and distress and, hence, easy prey. There game laws. are some 250 roller-club members in Los Angeles and, during his “Wear boots and grubby clothes,” investigation, Ed found only one who he had warned. said he refused to kill the pursuing hawks. For a year, Ed had been working Urban Los Angeles is home to a vibrant community of hawks. As Ed became “one of the guys” at the three pigeon clubs he joined, pigeon trainers freely explained the hawk problem to him. And they freely told him that they trapped, shot, poisoned,



[claw& order] A baited trap discovered at the house of “Robert Harris”; (below) dead hawk found in his garbage can; (opposite, below) hawk on his property, killed with “blunt-force trauma to the head”; (opposite, top) a severed hawk talon and clubbed hawks. Ed set up sur- suggested. His biggest concern was I gave Ed a thumbs-up and we headed PHOTOGRAPHS PROVIDED BY THE US FISH & WILDLIFE SERVICE veillance cameras pointed at club that we would stumble upon a down to the street. Each day he members’ homes and secured foot- homeless person living in the culvert can witness a baited hawk trap, it’s age of his new colleagues baiting who would consider us trespassers another criminal count. traps and catching hawks. They then on his property, but he also men- shot or beat the hawks to death. tioned that if the homeowner we were When we arrived back at the car, He had pictures of them dumping spying on saw us, that, too, could turn Ed pulled off his vest. “Was that fun?” the dead birds—with gunshot wounds ugly. We walked half a block down he asked. This is a man who clearly or blunt-force trauma—into their the sidewalk. During a break in traffic, loves his work, but it’s not just the garbage cans, birds Ed and his crew Ed motioned for me to follow him. thrill of the chase. He loves the animals gathered from the garbage for He had already alerted the LAPD that he protects. While he was packing evidence. we were in the neighborhood so that up the binoculars, he glanced across if a citizen spotted the two of us the street and pointed. His voice was I followed Ed’s undercover car up prowling around, the city cops would excited: “Look! A coyote!” And sure into the Hollywood Hills, a short hop know why. We scaled a cyclone fence enough, a scrawny coyote was from the squalor of Sunset and and headed toward our prey. ambling down the sidewalk, another Western to the multimillion-dollar example of the urban-wildlife inter- homes with sweeping views of the “Keep down,” Ed warned as we face that is Los Angeles. Los Angeles Basin. We parked at a hiked. We could see in the windows quiet corner, and Ed pulled on his of the homes; presumably they could A couple of days later, Ed and I bulletproof vest. FEDERAL AGENT see us on this warm night with a cloud met again at Sunset and Western, this was written in big, bright letters on cover that reflected the city lights. time just after dawn and accompanied the back, and he wore a badge over “Try to be quiet,” he said as my foot- by backup: other Fish and Wildlife his heart. His semiautomatic pistol steps snapped branches and what and handcuffs were on his belt. He sounded like discarded Styrofoam stashed night-vision binoculars in containers. When we arrived at the his backpack and briefed me on backyard in question, Ed retrieved what to expect as I followed him. the night scopes. He eased up to the We were going to hike a few hundred fence and looked over. No trap was yards up a culvert that runs between where he had last observed one. He the swank homes, continuing up panned the yard and found it, moved the hill until we were looking into the behind a tree. He motioned me over backyard of the national president and I looked through the binoculars. of the leading roller-pigeon club. The night turned bright as day, and where he had pointed was the wire- “Since I’ve got the vest, if there’s mesh trap, waiting to snag a hawk. any trouble just stay behind me,” Ed 98 PENTHOUSE.COM