9Qs Resources for Q2

9 Questions for Leadership in Life and Work Resources for Question 2: Relationships, Communities, Dialogue

9 Questions for Leadership in Life and Work Resources for Question 2: Relationships, Communities, Dialogue by Scott Downs and Gerald Doyle Copyright © 2021 Scott Downs and Gerald Doyle. All rights reserved. Tri Cosain books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales pro- motional use. Online editions are available. For moreinformation, contact: Scott: [email protected] Gerald: [email protected] Designer: Hammad Khalid, www.HMDpublishing.com www.tricosain.com



2

Contents Introduction 3 Quotations 7 Exercises for exploring Question 2 15 Containers 17 Dialogue in relationship 19 Mapping relationships and contexts 21 Holding challenging conversations 23 Exploring “Breakthrough Questions” together 25 Sources and references 26 Sketches, observations and notes 28

2

Introduction This volume provides additional resources to enquire into the second question we pose in our curatorial book, 9 Questions for Leadership in Life and Work. With this question, we inquire into how we can both dis- cover and express our inspiration in relationship with others. Sometimes it is one-to-one with another person. Sometimes it is in small groups, like a family circle or a working team. Sometimes it is in larger communities, like organisations, community groups, or collectives who come together in service of a cause. 3

4

2 How might we become better at relationship and dialogue, one-to- one and in larger groups? Career awakening and leadership seems to require rela- tionship and dialogue. How might we create the spaces where personal and col- lective relationships flourish, where differences are wel- comed and collective intelligence sparks creativity, inno- vation and individual and collective learning? 5

6

Quotations I realised that I had this compelling belief, not even a be- lief, just knowing, that we’re all inextricably connected. No matter what. There’s no exception. There just isn’t. And that the person facing you has to be no one else. - Nic Askew We have reversed the usual classical notion that the in- dependent “elementary parts” of the world are the fun- damental reality, and that the various systems are merely particular contingent forms and arrangements of these parts. Rather, we say that inseparable quantum inter- connectedness of the whole universe is the fundamental reality, and that relatively independent behaving parts are merely particular and contingent forms within this whole. - David Bohm 7

Some tension is necessary for the soul to grow, and we can put that tension to good use. We can look for every opportunity to give and receive love, to appreciate na- ture, to heal our wounds and the wounds of others, to forgive, and to serve. - Joan Z. Borysenko The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult sto- ries to appear more whole and more acceptable, but our wholeness -- even our wholeheartedness -- actually de- pends on the integration of all our experiences, including the falls. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly. - Brené Brown People listen better if they feel that you have understood them. They tend to think that those who understand them are intelligent and sympathetic people whose own opinions may be worth listening to. So if you want the other side to appreciate your interests, begin by demon- strating that you appreciate theirs. - Roger Fisher The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. - Mahatma Gandhi 8

A container is a field of exchange in which possibility is the answer and the question - not winning and losing and not even winning win-win. New possibilities emerge when the questions are more important than the an- swers. - Bill Isaacs So when you are listening to somebody, completely, at- tentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it. - Jiddu Krishnamurti Artful Making. This term was introduced to the software world by Lee Devin and Rob Austin in the book Artful Making. Devin, a theatre director, and Austin, a business professor, proposed that for any team to be successful in a creative and improvisational space (which is exactly what software development is, at its heart) four qualities are required. They name these as: release, collaboration, ensemble, and play. This suggests the idea that a team needs to be given freedom for its members to interact, so that a collaborative environment is fostered, leading to ensemble, where both the thing being created and the team itself are larger and more interesting than any one person’s input: the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. For this to happen, a spirit of play needs to be encouraged, risks need to be taken, failure embraced as a learning opportunity— and team members learn to take the product or business goals seriously, rather than themselves! - Tobias Mayer 9

How strange that we should ordinarily feel compelled to hide our wounds when we are all wounded! Community requires the ability to expose our wounds and weakness- es to our fellow creatures. It also requires the ability to be affected by the wounds of others.... But even more im- portant is the love that arises among us when we share, both ways, our woundedness. The overall purpose of human communication is - or should be - reconciliation. It should ultimately serve to lower or remove the walls of misunderstanding which unduly separate us human beings, one from another. We are incapable of loving an- other unless we love ourselves, just as we are incapable of teaching our children self-discipline unless we our- selves are self-disciplined. It is actually impossible to for- sake our own spiritual development in favor of someone else’s. We cannot forsake self-discipline and at the same time be disciplined in our care for another. We cannot be a source of strength unless we nurture our own strength. - M. Scott Peck In group flow, each person’s idea builds on those just contributed by his or her colleagues. The improvisation appears to be guided by an invisible hand toward a peak, but small ideas build and an innovation emerges. - Keith Sawyer 10

No matter how good you get at reframing, the single most important rule about managing the interaction is this: You can’t move the conversation in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and under- stood. And they won’t feel heard and understood until you’ve listened. When the other person becomes high- ly emotional, listen and acknowledge. When they say their version of the story is the only version that makes sense, paraphrase what you’re hearing and ask them some questions about why they think this. If they level accusations against you, before defending yourself, try to understand their view. Whenever you feel overwhelmed or unsure how to proceed, remember that it is always a good time to listen. - Douglas Stone et al Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help re- lieve the suffering of another person. You can call it com- passionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don’t interrupt. You don’t argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him to suffer less. One hour like that can bring trans- formation and healing. - Thich Nhat Hanh 11

How could you have a soccer team if all were goalkeep- ers? How would it be an orchestra if all were French horns? - Desmond Tutu The entry-level skills for being a creative team have been documented by many. They include questioning, observ- ing, networking and experimenting. ..... [To] question the status quo and to challenge key assumptions and beliefs. Observe with a beginner’s mind. Network into the new and novel intersections (the knots, nets and threads) of diverse experiences and knowledge. And, to fail faster through experimentation to succeed sooner.... Creative teams are formed around a quest – or question. This quest-ion points them into the unknown while generat- ing a creative fire, a passion and a tension in the team. - Nick Udall 12

13

14

Exercises for exploring Question 2 15

16

Containers Please be invited to reflect on a relationship you have or a personal connection you are working on or plan to make. How can this connection be a “container” - a place where all the people involved can feel welcome, respected, val- ued and encouraged to contribute freely and creatively - to do their best work. How can the practical require- ments and demands of the situation weave and dance with quality human interactions here? Do you see ways that quality human interactions will ac- tually lead to better practical outcomes, rather than be- ing seen as a tradeoff against them? Make notes in your journal from any learnings and re- flections. If appropriate, add some actions to your per- sonal planning system to experiment with creating “con- tainers” in relationships and connections you have in life and work. 17

18

Dialogue in relationship What would happen if you set (or renew or strengthen) an intention to make one or more relationships and con- nections you have the context for dialogue - a genuine creative exchange of views, shared development of a pool of shared meaning, and a context for creative ideas for action to emerge? Make notes in your journal from any learnings and re- flections. If appropriate, add some actions to your per- sonal planning system. 19

20

Mapping relationships and contexts Make a map - a large pictorial representation - of a re- lationship or human context in which you find yourself. Who are the key people or elements involved, and how could you represent them symbolically or pictorially? (This is not an art contest - you can’t do it wrong and no one has to see this besides you). What is the spatial relationship between the elements? Who is close to whom? How are they facing? What are the energetic relationships between them? Give yourself 15-30 minutes to make the picture, and then reflect on it. What does it tell you? How are things now and how would you like them to be? What move- ments or changes could you make that would create a healthier, more creative relationship. What invitations could you offer? It can be especially powerful to do this exercise with oth- ers, even, if it feels possible (if not, don’t force it) with others in the same relationship or context. See what hap- pens when you present your maps to trusted others and share your insights together. Record your insights in your journal. Consider keeping an image of your map (or the map itself) in your vision box or on your vision board. This exercise is based on the Temenos work originated by Siraj Sirajuddin, as elaborated and facilitated by Olaf Le- witz and Christine Neidhardt. 21

22

Holding challenging conversations Consider a conversation you are about to have, perhaps one that has the potential to be charged in some way. How might you help that conversation become a learning conversation for everyone involved, instead of an argu- ment or a contest of views? Perhaps by discovering some shared purpose and by committing to approach others with mutual respect. Perhaps by reflecting on the impli- cations for everyone’s identity, their sense of self-worth. And on the implications for your relationship? Try preparing well for the exchange, and reflecting on your experience afterward. Consider sharing insights and ideas with others with a perspective, whether they were in the room for the conversation or not. Record your learnings in your journal. 23

24

Exploring “Breakthrough Questions” together Is there a question whose answer could be deeply import- ant to you? Could you enlist the help of others to explore it. Following Nick Udall, we could consider the question to be a “Breakthrough Question.” We could invite others to join us in examining it. We could consciously form a “container” for the inquiry. We could deepen our person- al and systemic awareness. And we can consciously ven- ture into the unknown in search of insight. We might find that we feel lost for a while. The inquiry might feel difficult, conflicted, unsettling, or confusing. In the end, if we are able to hold the tension of not-know- ing, we might find that the breakthrough we are seeking arrives. Try it for yourself. See what arises, and record insights in your journal. This exercise is based on the work of Dr. Nick Udall and members of the nowhere group, See Nick’s book, Riding the Creative Rollercoaster, as well as many videos and oth- er resources at www.now-here.com 25

Sources and references In selected cases, we’ve published an “appreciation” on Linkedin. Please find the links below. • Bohm, On Dialogue • Brown, Daring Greatly • Doyle, Downs, Littrell Senior and Skala, Conversations of Inquiry • Hill, Truelove, Brandeau and Lineback, Collective Ge- nius • Isaacs, Dialogue and The Art of Thinking Together • Kofman, Conscious Business • Lipmanowicz and McCandless, The Surprising Power of Liberating Structures • Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler, Crucial Conversations x Our appreciation • Peck, A Different Drum • Rees and Sullivan, Clean Language 26

• Roland and Rozenthuler, Leading Systemic Dialogue • Rosenberg, Non-Violent Communication • Sawyer, Group Genius • Scharmer, Theory U • Stone, Patton and Heen, Difficult Conversations x Our appreciation • Udall, Riding the Creative Roller Coaster • Walker, From Contempt to Curiosity x Our appreciation 27

Sketches, observations and notes 28

29