Character Counts

Copyright © 2017 – Lisa MaxAll rights reserved. This book is protected by the copyright laws of the United States of America. Thisbook may not be copied or reprinted for commercial gain or profit. Permission will be granted uponrequest. LettheChildrenFly.com

Character CountsCharacter, like a stake on a young tree, is what supports the fruit the Father wants to bearthrough each of us. Simply put, character matters because it matters to God!I began teaching a class called Character Counts in my home years ago. I saw a need to equiphungry parents in the ways of Kingdom parenting, specifically as it pertains to healthy characterbuilding that models the heart of the Father, the original parent! I have taken my notes from thatCharacter Counts class and put together this booklet. The concepts outlined are fluid in relationto one another and can be tailored to meet the unique needs and expression of your family.Enjoy the journey of equipping your children.I’m often asked, “At what age should one start teaching about character?” My response is -character is for all ages, but the younger you start, the easier it will be to set the standard. It ismuch easier teaching a two-year-old about self-control than a teenager who has lived without ittheir entire life. Taking candy from a child is a whole lot harder than not giving it to them in thefirst place.Often parents give young children all the freedom in the world in fear of stifling their child’sexploration and creativity, but as they get older they begin to clamp down on their freedom. Thiscreates a power struggle which results in a frustrated parent and a relentless child resolved tokeep the unrestricted freedom they’ve already tasted.Perhaps a better approach is to empower a child with freedoms as they relate to their ability towalk in self-control. You wouldn’t give a ten-year-old the keys to the car because they don’thave the skill set or self-control to manage that much freedom. So let me ask you, “When is theappropriate time to teach your child character?”The Bible says in Romans 14:17, “The Kingdom of God is...righteousness, peace, and joy…” Idon’t think it was an accident that righteousness was listed first. It is hard to walk in peace andjoy when unrighteous ways like selfishness, rudeness, and a lack of self-control are present. Ifyou want to release the Kingdom of God through your children as a family lifestyle, then here isyour parenting job description: Cultivate a home where righteousness, peace, and joy areplentiful because this is where the Kingdom of God is.This isn’t a one-time teaching. It’s a lifetime of cultivating righteousness, peace, and joy in yourhome, marriage, children, extended family, neighbors, in the midst of conflict, etc. It is a culture,not an activity. None of this happens by chance but by intentional parenting that often requiressacrifice and a lot of heart work.

It’s very difficult for a child to release the Kingdom at the store if they are on the floor pitching afit because you didn’t buy them a toy. They will have a harder time hearing God’s voice if theyhaven’t been taught to listen to yours first. You will have a greater challenge getting them to be‘others’ focused if they are taught that they are the only ones that matter.People think parenting and raising children are the same thing. We raise chickens, not children.Raising chickens looks like letting them follow us around aimlessly, pecking at our ankles,throwing them some food, and cleaning up poop every once in awhile. That should not describeour parenting. As parents of powerful children, we teach, train, and equip them throughintentional actions. Simply having a child under your foot 24/7 is not parenting.Parents want the fruit of well-behaved joyful children but often do nothing in times of peace tosow into that. No child is born with the character to be a world-changer. They need to beinfluenced, shaped, molded, corrected, and taught intentionally. Also, it doesn’t mean anythingis wrong, or your child is less-than if they have issues. It means they need YOU to help them.The best advice I’ve ever received was, “Lisa, equip your child to deal with the reality of theircircumstances.” This could apply to all areas of life. If they go grocery shopping with you, thenteach and equip them to deal with the reality of what respect looks like in the grocery store. Ifyou need them to help around the house, then teach and equip them to deal with the reality ofwhat obedience looks like at home. If you need them to honor their teacher and complete theirhomework, then teach and equip them to deal with the reality of what obedience looks likeregarding school work.We first have to define what good character is exactly. In a world full of contradictory opinions ofacceptable and unacceptable behavior, it would be nice to know what we are aiming for. Ifrighteousness is God’s standard, then His opinion should be our only goal.Character is:LoveJoyPeacePatienceKindnessGoodnessFaithfulnessGentlenessSelf-ControlBefore I begin teaching you how to equip your children, I want to show you how not to equipthem. Let’s take a peek at Galatians 5:22-24 from The Message.

“But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same waythat fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity.We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and aconviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved inloyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energieswisely.”Who wouldn’t want this kind of life? God’s way is fruitful, powerful, peaceful, and rich! If we keepreading, verse 23 says, “Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in theway.”Isn’t that glorious? We’re given permission not to partner with legalism. Legalism is when wecreate a list of must do's and rules for our children without care for their heart. The Phariseesare a good example of this kind of behavior. Good character is when we teach them to live fromthe inside out, not from the outside in.I would rather have my children make a big mess, even in front of others, and learn from it thanmodel perfect outward behavior in front of others and have a deceitful heart that is cruel andlacking in self-control. I would rather have them get an F on an assignment and learn from theirmistakes than be on the Honor Roll and walk in entitlement or manipulation.Sowing into a firm foundation in the early years allows you to reap the fruit of it for yearsto come!You have what it takes - I want you to consider this: If you are a born-again believer, you haveaccess to two very important things. First, you have Holy Spirit inside of you. Teaching isn’twhat He does; it is who He IS. His creativity is endless, and He always brings the right teachingtool at the right moment! Second, you have a teacher’s anointing. It might not be for aclassroom or with other children, but if you are a parent, you have the anointing, grace, andempowerment of God to teach your children. Remembering and accessing these two realitieswill profit you greatly in your role as a parent!Next we are going to get into some of the practicals of how to teach character, but first, let’spray!“Dear Holy Spirit, thank You that as Sons and Daughters we have You inside of us and You arecreative! Thank You that teaching isn’t what You do, but it is who You are. Thank You forplacing inside of me the anointing to creatively teach my children right living with joy.I break agreement with the spirit of fear–the fear of man and what others think of me and thefear of my children and their displeasure with me when I expect more of them. Fear is not mycompanion nor the tool I use in parenting. It is simply not welcome in our family.

I break agreement with perfectionism and performance-based parenting. I declare that I havefreedom to flow as the Spirit leads me with my children and the only standard that I will holdmyself to is what He has asked me to do.I break agreement with the lie that “I am ruining my child if I am firm with them.” I breakagreement with the lie that “it is my job to keep them comfortable.” My God-given role is toteach, equip, and empower them so that they can go on to lead a successful and fruitfulKingdom-minded life.I break agreement with excuses for my child not walking in good character as well as theexcuses that I have given myself for not going after this in our household.I declare that not only am I more than enough for my children, but I was hand-picked for thejob to train them! God has entrusted me with much, and I will steward it well. Amen.”

Lay the FoundationFIRST, when an issue comes up, you must ask yourself, “Have I taught, trained, and equippedthem in this area?” That means, have you proactively taught them how to handledisappointments, the difference between right and wrong, how to handle when someone elsewants your toy, or how to respond when someone is being unloving before the conflict?These things require intentional parenting in times of peace. This is where you get to cuddle,connect, go on dates, have family meeting circle time, etc. You get to fill up their love tanks byconnecting through intentional teaching with Mom and Dad. Much of the early toddler years arespent doing this very thing–some days without ceasing! It is the heart that says, “Heyson/daughter, I have something to show (or teach) you.”SECOND, look for opportunities in real life to apply the thing you are trying to teach. This iswhere the training part comes in. You practice, practice, practice with real life situations. Will a2-year-old master self-control in the first week? Nope! You will be an intentional parent for 18years and will need to teach and train them in the area of self-control in every stage of their life.Perhaps with a 2-year-old, your training subject will be not getting the toy they desire. Whenthey are 10, it will be about completing their homework each night, and perhaps when they are18, it will be having self-control with the opposite sex. These character traits should besomething we build upon as they get older.THIRD, you now have a foundation upon which you can build. Say you have already laid thefirst and second part of the foundation in the area of self-control. Now when you take them to ameeting where they need to sit quietly, you can pull out that teaching and training to preparethem for what you expect from them. You can begin role-playing certain situations. I would oftenpark the van at the grocery store parking lot to do a quick family huddle about what wasexpected and how we could proactively use the skills I had just taught them.Here’s what it would sound like: “Hey guys, who wants dinner tonight? Okay, we are going to gointo the grocery store for food, not toys. Hudson, will you get the door for us? Lauren, do youwant to push the cart? Emma, will you be my big helper and put the food in the cart for me?” Iam now leaning into the skills that I have taught them and cashing in on them. I am building usall up for a successful shopping trip. We are all doing our part while we are connected andcreating fun family memories versus an unfruitful and frustrating experience for all.LAST, when a foundation has been established, THEN you can add discipline, such asspankings, time-outs, removing privileges, etc. Can you see how confusing it would be to a childwhen parents keep disciplining for the ‘NO’ behaviors, but never spend time teaching them whatIS acceptable?You could say it looks like this:· An issue arises that you want to see change (every family will be different on this).· Proactively teach during times of peace using it as a connecting time to get to their heart.· Now you coach them as they role-play that issue in real life situations.

· Look for opportunities where they can proactively apply that skill.· Discipline is now appropriate if the child chooses not to use the training you’ve given them.Here’s another real life example: Let’s say you are shopping and your kids are touchingeverything, running crazy, and having a meltdown for a new toy. You have a few options. Youcan: 1. Conclude your children aren’t old enough for an outing to the store, and thus put theburden on yourself to either pay for a sitter or go late after they are in bed. 2. Get mad, yell,scream, and then feel awful! OR 3. Teach and train your children what it looks like to act calmlyat the store.I heard a story of a mom who was so fed-up with her grocery trips that she sat her kids downand explained to them what was required. Then every single day for an entire week they wouldgo to the store, not to buy anything, just to walk up and down the aisles so the kids couldpractice! That mom is now reaping the tasty fruit of grocery shopping in peace. Oh, did you hearthat? What was the Kingdom of God again? Righteousness, peace, and joy!System UpgradesAs a mom of four, I had my grocery trips down to a science. I had my toddler in the front, mybaby in the carrier of the cart, and my four-year-old twins were holding onto each side of thecart. There was peace and joy when we went to the store. Until the day they all outgrew theirplaces, and they were running around playing tag while I attempted to shop. I rationalized thatthey were fine because they were being joyful, but the joy broke out into the next aisle wherethey zoomed up and down the rows of food. They rounded the corner and nearly plowed overan elderly lady with a walker!I realized my previous system was no longer effective. I had to go home and call another familymeeting where I taught them what going to the store looked like in this new stage. This is theprocess of building them up with age-appropriate character all throughout their childhood years.Preparing for Urgent CareI took three of my very sick children to the urgent care center. My youngest had an ear infectionthat was quite painful. In walks a grandma with her daughter and grandson who was about threeyears of age. He played on the floor zooming his cars quite loudly up and down the carpet. Hiseye caught his mom’s phone, and he reached for it, but she beat him to it and took it away. Hebegan to get upset and let everyone in the room know it. My daughter could barely take the loudscreams. It hurt her swollen ears, and all she could do was cover them. The mom began to pullobjects out of her purse asking if he wanted this or that. She even pulled out a Twinkie toappease him. If I understand this right, she just taught her son that yelling, kicking, screaming,and demanding his own way produces the fruit of sweet treats.May I offer another suggestion? What if the mom prepared the young toddler for going to thedoctor’s office–urgent care no less, where most people are quite ill or in great discomfort, andexplained that many of the people aren’t feeling well? They could role-play being sick or in pain,

and how it would feel if someone was too loud? They could talk about different volumes for ourvoices. Before exiting the car, she could remind little Jr. where they were going and how to usea quiet, inside voice. Then if he wasn’t able to control himself when mom wouldn't share herphone, how about respecting the people around them by stepping outside with him to review thefun teaching from just a few hours earlier? She could have empowered him to do better andwalked back in the room with joy. If you are going to keep a Twinkie in your purse, use it toreward good behavior, not negative character.Again, it is in the time of PEACE that we teach, not when they are in the midst of a meltdown oroutburst. We use these teaching times to build them up, not tear them down.The Family MeetingI had four children under four and quickly learned how to stay ahead of them. One of thegreatest things that worked for our household was seeing things that needed to be taught orworked out and hosting a family meeting. The kids soon learned that family meetings were atime of valuable information, fun activities, and a time to connect. I would simply call out, “familymeeting” and everyone was expected to drop what they were doing and come to the livingroom. This was never a time for lecturing, scolding, or exasperating them, but it was rather joyfuland fun.I would call a family meeting if I was leaving and needed to go over what was expected of themwith the sitter or if I needed their help with something like cleaning the house, washing the car,or grocery shopping. I would also use this time to play fun games and teach them about lifeskills. Our family meetings are truly some of our best memories!A Broken Will is NOT a Broken SpiritGod tells us to not only obey but to obey the first time. Delayed obedience is the same asdisobedience. He wants us to jump into His arms because we trust Him fully and completely.We are training and teaching our children to trust us–and ultimately to trust God.We actually DO want to break a child’s will, but we do NOT want to break their spirit. Parentsare often so afraid of the later that they never go after their child’s will. This will only produce avery strong-willed, self-centered child. Breaking their spirit tears them down, and makes themfeel small and powerless. Breaking through their will empowers them, increases trust, andproduces good fruit.Teach Principles – Not RulesWe were going for a walk around a park, and one of my children dropped their snack wrapper. Istopped them and bent down to their level and asked them what the park would look like ifeveryone dropped their wrapper. They were able to picture people walking around the parkdropping their wrappers and realized it would make the park pretty dirty. I then asked who theywanted to come and pick up their wrappers. We talked about how it wasn’t anyone else’s job to

do so. We talked about taking the time to throw our trash away (self-control) so that others don’thave to (respect), which leads to impacting places for good (kindness). I was teaching themprinciples for governing themselves and not just law-based rules.If I only teach rules such as “don’t drop the snack wrapper at this park,” I would then need alsoto teach them “don’t drop the hamburger wrapper at the restaurant,” “don’t drop your backpackat the front door,” etc. Children who are the product of rule-based parenting often findthemselves in trouble as young adults because mom’s not there to give them the ‘rules’ atcollege, with roommates, or at their job. Principles apply to all situations while rules only apply tosomething specific.Teach What You DO WantIf all we say to our children is “No,” “Stop,” “Knock it off,” “NO,” or even “NOOOOO!!!!,” we aresetting our children up for failure because their high-level energy will continue to find new andcreative ways to express itself. A larger percentage of our parenting energy should be spent onteaching our children what we DO want. Communicating what behaviors you do expect at thestore will decrease the behaviors you don’t want.The World is Your Training GroundIt isn’t our job to judge, but it is our job to train–and the world around you is a training ground.The first time I took my three young toddlers (and a pregnant belly) to the local library for storytime I was shocked to find the room in utter chaos. The poor, sweet senior librarian was trying toread the children a story, but everyone was running around or talking. One eager little boy eventried to rip the book out of her hands.That behavior was not acceptable for my children, and I knew it would be a safe place topractice the right behavior. I took them home, and we talked about honor and respect. How didthey think the librarian felt when no one was listening to her? We role-played having one ofthem talk while the rest of us talked about them. I taught them how to fold their hands (self-control), listen (patience), and pay attention (respect).The next week everyone was running around again, but I motioned to my children to listen bypointing to my ears and then pointing to the librarian. If they began to get distracted andtempted to get up and run around like the rest, I modeled folding my hands for them, and theyfollowed. Afterward, I had them say, “Thank you,” to the librarian for taking the time to read thebook to us.When we got in the car, I praised them for the things they did well, and we would work on itmore during the week. It only took 2-3 weeks until they were engrossed in the story the entiretime. The children had learned what honor, respect, self-control, and patience looked like at thelibrary and were able to enjoy the story because they had the character to do so. Weeks later,the librarian came to me with tears in her eyes and thanked me for teaching my children to beso respectful. She said the part she disliked the most about her job was story time. We can

change that story for someone by teaching our children what character looks like in everysituation.Table MannersI am not a fan of cooking, yet one day I set out to woo my family with my domestic skills. Ilabored over the menu and shopping list. Even the table setting was fit for a king. While I dustedoff my serving dishes, I was told, “This is gross,” as they deserted me.Sitting alone and realizing I had to clean up by myself as well, I was offended. Deep down I wasreally hurt that all my hard work wasn’t even noticed. I vowed that I would never cook for themagain. However, being the ever-so-good mama that I am, I prepared breakfast the next morning.I felt the Lord telling me to teach them what character looked like at the table. Bingo!After breakfast – because I am a good mama and fed them again – I brought out the paper andcrayons and had them draw me a picture. After about ten minutes of working on their creations,I picked one up and said, “Oh, purple? YUCK! I hate that color!” Grabbing another, I said,“These lines are crooked. I want straighter lines!” They all gasped at my reaction. One of mydaughters said, “MOM, I made that for you!” I then got to lovingly tell them that I actually reallyappreciated and valued their art and that my cooking is my creation for them.It’s okay that they didn't like something, but being rude and disrespectful wasn’t okay. I thenrole-played with them what I DO want at meal time. I taught them to say, “Thank you for themeal. May I please be excused?” They have, on their own, thanked servers and their friend’sparents for a meal because they have a greater understanding and appreciation that someonetook the time to serve them their creation.Yes, Mom!Instead of barking commands and orders from the other room when you need your child to dosomething, intentionally stop what you are doing and go to them. Get down to their level, andsay in a firm, but calm voice, “Put your hand in my hand.” You aren’t begging, pleading, orbribing them. You are commanding that they follow your instruction. As soon as they submit andput their hand in your hand – keep your hand open, so they operate out of free will and notcontrol – and instruct them, “Look at my eyes.” The moment their hands are in yours and theireyes are on yours, give them a short, simple command such as, “Mom needs you to pick upyour toys,” or “Get your shoes on.”Here is the catch – they must respond with a “Yes Mom.” The reason for this is that you areengaging all their senses with touch, sound, and sight, and the moment they say, “Yes Mom,”ownership of the command locks in their brain.It’s okay if this takes over 15 minutes the first time. If your child is not able to follow your simpleinstructions, you are going to have a harder time building on that down the road. This requires

intentionality on your part, but eventually it becomes a family lifestyle. Then when Mom or Dadgive instructions, they respond with agreement and respect. Give it a try and be blessed by theresults even into their teen years!You Are So ImportantWhen my kids were little, I was walking through being an unexpected single mom and wasn’table to get a sitter every time I needed to be on the phone. It seemed I was in the midst of areally emotional or challenging moment whenever they would barge through the doordemanding that I turn on the TV or fetch them juice.I called a family meeting, and we talked about what honor and respect look like when Mom is onthe phone. I taught them to come and put their hand on my arm, and I would then place myhand over theirs. This signaled to them that I saw them and was aware that they needed me.When appropriate, I would then say, “Excuse me, my child needs me for a moment.”On the contrary, if they barged in and interrupted, I still said, “Excuse me, my child needs me fora moment.” Then I would turn to them and say, “Sweetie, you are so important, but so is myfriend. I need you to wait a moment.” I was teaching them they are valuable and superimportant, but also the world doesn’t revolve around them, nor does Mom drop everything everytime they yell my name.Core Family VersesI printed and framed different Proverbs and hung them in the kitchen at the kid’s eye level.While I don’t believe being a Christian means we are a doormat or need to tolerate beingbullied; I do believe that children need to be taught what kindness looks like especially in hardsituations. When someone steals their toy, causes hurt, is rude, or not honoring their spacethere is an appropriate and inappropriate way to respond. For our family, we went afterProverbs 31:26, “Kindness is the rule for everything,” and Deuteronomy 28:1 “If you fully obeythe LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD yourGod will set you high above all the nations on earth.”You Whine–You LoseAnother saying I taught the kids from an early age is “You whine – you lose.” It wasn’t aboutwhat they were saying but how they were choosing to speak to me. Whining is for orphans, notmy son or daughters. The earlier you teach this, the less of an issue you will have in yourhousehold.Temper TantrumsWhen my daughter was a little over a year old, she decided to throw herself on the floor andkick and scream to get what she wanted. It was the first time she did that, and I said in the

firmest voice, “Emma, get up!” I had to repeat it a few times. The moment she obeyed I saidnicely, “What can I help you with?” I wanted her to see the difference in my response.The next night her twin wanted something, and you could see the wheels spinning. Shedeliberately put herself on the floor and forced herself to kick and scream. I said in the firmestvoice, “Lauren, GET UP!” and I can honestly report we have never had a temper tantrum likethat again from any of the kids. It simply didn’t work!Let Your No be NO!When you say “no...no...okay yes,” you are strengthening their temper tantrums because theywill realize last time you gave in after five attempts, and they just have to keep pushing it towear you down.ChoresOne afternoon my 1, 3 and 4-year-old twins begged me to take them to the park at 4 pm. I wasexhausted from cleaning, cooking, picking up, doing laundry, folding, fetching juice, sweeping,washing, wiping, cleaning, picking up, and then repeating that all day long! I realized that 90% ofmy energy was going towards caring for and picking up after their needs and that if we weregoing to be a family that included fun outings to the park, I simply needed help.I came up with four chores–dishes, floors, laundry, and picking up. I then spent my energyteaching and empowering them how to help. Creating age appropriate chores empowers themto be a part of the family and has given them areas to improve self-control, kindness, respect,faithfulness, and so on. I typed them up and framed them. We would change chores after theymastered one. It gave me an opportunity to mentor and empower them. They loved feelingimportant and the sense of accomplishment that came with a job well done.Fully and CompletelyOnce we established chores, the kids were great at starting them, but I became overwhelmedasking one to finish putting away the silverware, the other to pick up the dirty pile of neatlyswept debris, or another to put away the folded towels. I was growing frustrated and needed acreative solution for teaching them about doing something fully and completely.I called a family meeting and gave them each a sheet of paper. I instructed them to wad it upinto a ball and the first person to get their ball in the school room (the room furthest from theliving room), would win a prize. “Easy peasy,” they thought until I told them they had to take astep, drop the ball, bend over, and pick it up. Take another step, drop the ball, bend over, pick itup, and so on until they reached the school room.It was super fun the first three to four times, but then they grew impatient. It is okay to allow yourchild to feel the discomfort of their choices. In this case, what it felt like for others when theydidn’t complete tasks fully and completely. I let them know what they were experiencing was

how I felt when I’d give them a responsibility and they didn’t complete it fully. Now, even yearslater, all I have to say is, “I need for you to complete your homework fully and completely,” andthey know what that exactly means.HonorAt some point along the way, I started to feel like my children assumed my entire purpose forexisting was to wait on them hand and foot and always be readily available at their beck andcall. I explained to them that I was not their servant, maid, butler, chauffeur, baker, cook, orpersonal attendant. I may DO all of those things because I love them, but I am their Mother, andI am important too. I firmly believe that teaching my children to honor me as their mom is settingthem up for how my grandchildren will treat them someday.Quiet TimesIn a world of constant stimulation, it is an important practice for children to learn how to self-soothe and entertain themselves at times. For those of you with babies and toddlers, thisapplies to them too. Simply set out a larger blanket and offer them some toys to play with.Anytime they wander off the blanket, pick them up, and lovingly say, “No, no. Blanket,” andplace them back on the blanket.This is not a response out of anger or scolding. Nor is it a time to cuddle or show affection orthey will keep going off just to get you to come over. Your response should be firm and short.When children outgrow their afternoon naps, you can still use that time for them to play quietlyin their crib or bed. Older children can have that time alone reading a book or playing with toys.Give them an age-appropriate boundary. Putting a small basket of safe toys in their crib whenthey go to bed is another way to introduce it. When they wake up, they will discover toys to playwith right away. They are learning that it is okay to be awake and alone for a little bit. It’s okay ifit takes a few days to learn that you mean business.You will reap a lifetime of quiet moments as both you and your children get some alone time toregroup. This is especially important during the long summer months when kids are with theirsiblings 24/7. Giving everyone a daily break can be a lifeline for their connections. Personally, Idon’t allow for quiet times to include any screen time because it is not affording them theopportunity to learn how to self-entertain.Time-OutI did not care for the time-out parenting tool because isolation for some children is brutal. I didn’twant to teach my child that just because they messed up, they would be removed. Furthermore,it can be used as punishment without redirecting their heart at all. If they are required to ‘dotime’ in their room for 30 minutes but come out even more upset and angry, what has beenaccomplished?

Instead, I used the verbiage, “It looks like you need a break. Please go sit in your room untilyour heart can be kind again.” This empowered them to take as long as they needed to regroup,process, and make better choices. Sometimes they came out with their heart re-aligned andother times they needed to talk through what was happening in their heart. My goal was arestored connection and happy hearts, not punishment for their crime. We have enjoyedcountless testimonies of children going to their room to take a break and Jesus stepping in toeither validate them, affirm them, or correct them.Sand TimerThe old adage that children should be seen and not heard clearly isn’t a healthy one, but thereare times when children need to learn to exercise self-control with their mouths and bodies.Teachers would surely agree with me on this one. Call a family meeting and tell the kids thatyou are going to play a family game. Everyone sits in a circle, and you tell them not to talk,laugh, or move their bottom or back from the chair.Then set the sand timer and explain if anyone gets down, talks, or laughs you have to start over.Little bundles of flesh don’t always like sitting still or being quiet, but they are practicing for whenit is required of them.Doing What is Right Versus RightsOne time while traveling together, we entered a nice hotel room late in the evening. Everyonewas rushing to find their pj’s, toothbrush, and a glass of water. It took the five of us about sevenminutes to trash the entire hotel room. We were leaving early the next morning, and I lookedaround in dismay because the room looked like we had been living there for a month.I stopped and asked the kids to take a look around. I explained that the housekeeper was paidto clean up after our mess whether she liked it or not, it was her job. Then I asked them, “But dowe want that? Do we want her to walk into one more room to clean up after people who left theirtrash on the counter, wet towels on the floor, and toothpaste spit in the sink?” I had themimagine how they would feel walking into our room knowing they had to clean one more filthyroom.They immediately jumped in and began to put the room back in order. One of them suggestedthat we leave a thank you note on the bed for her. Another asked for some money to hide forher to find! They were getting it and starting to see that just because we have the right to do–ornot do–something doesn’t mean that it’s what is best for someone else.I use this principle often and ask, “Are we leaving this room, house, hotel, restaurant, park betterthan the way we found it?”

I.C.U.In medical terms, ICU means Intensive Care Unit for those who are in life-threatening andcritical conditions. Many able-bodied people we encounter throughout our day have hearts thatneed some serious intensive care. I firmly believe that we meet people like the cashier, bankteller, or waitress so we can SEE them.Often, people who give the worst service or who act the rudest are the ones who need to beseen the most. We will give them an encouraging word, leave a note on a napkin, tip themextra, or just be gracious and kind. It isn’t our job to train our children to judge those around us.It is our job to train them to love.DisciplineEvery household has a different standard for discipline such as spanking, time-out, loss ofprivileges, etc. I want to encourage you that whatever tool you use, it should include thefollowing: ● The child stating what they did wrong ● An apology for their contributing part ● Reconnecting with the person who was hurtOwning Your 1%Have you ever walked into two arguing children and asked, “What is going on?” only to havethem both point the finger at the other. You could be there all day with that question.Instead, try asking, “What did YOU do wrong?” If they can’t honestly answer you, then issuing aconsequence is punishing them, not disciplining them. If they do not know why they are beingdisciplined, then you haven’t done your job yet to teach them what is expected in your homeFIRST. They can’t change what they don’t own, and they can’t own what they don’t know.Furthermore, it is important for children to know that even if someone is flat-out wrong, such ashitting or stealing, they are still accountable for their own response to the offense. This is anincredible training ground for children to learn to manage themselves well in the face ofadversity and conflict.SiblingsOne of the main areas of conflict in the home involves siblings. Could it be that God designedsibling relationships to be a training ground for equipping our children how to be successful inthe real world? The conflict highlights for you as the parent where your child needs more skills,tools, and solutions. Take advantage of that information!

2 Minute RuleI used to play referee between the twins several times a day; who got what toy, when and forhow long, etc. One day I remember wondering, “How in the world am I going to make it eighteenmore years as a referee?” Then I got creative and taught them this golden 2-minute rule.I sat them down and talked about playing with our toys and what sharing looks like. I explainedthat if someone asks for whatever object they were playing with, they could ONLY respond withone of two answers: 1. Yes, or 2. In two minutes. It was a win-win because both parties wereeither learning to share and bless others or have patience! If a toy was so special that no onecould touch it, then it needed to remain in their room. The family room was for family, andanything outside of their room meant it was fair game for sharing.Languages of LoveSibling connection is a big deal to me, and I have gone after equipping my children with tools forworking through things between each other. While I am thankful they know how to use thosetools, it seemed like all we were doing was putting out fires.One day I heard the Lord say, “Teach them to be proactive, so they don’t start the fire.” A bigpart of this was teaching them each other's love languages and going after what it looks like tolove their siblings in the unique way that they need it. There is no need to reinvent the wheelhere. Gary Chapman has done an outstanding job providing the Body with the language andtools for loving others. Have your children take the online quiz athttp://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/children/.I Won’t Be Your MindOnce past the elementary years, a great way to parent your child is to state your instructiononce, have them confirm with a “Yes, Mom” (as mentioned above), and then refuse to be theirmind. If they fail to take out the trash, then let it go. That is, until dinnertime when they come andsit down to eat. Simply say, “Oh no. I don’t think you are quite ready to eat yet,” and carry onwith the meal. Or when they forget to make their bed, simply say as they walk out the door forschool, “Oh no, I don’t think you are ready to go to school yet.” They will look at you crossed-eyed initially and then the lightbulb will go off as they flip through their memory and discoverwhat they missed. Children are so smart and need opportunities to use their brain. When Momand Dad act as the mind for the child, they never learn to use their own.DiscomfortAgain, once past the elementary years, a great parenting tool has been to simply partner withHoly Spirit to see how the discomfort can be placed on the child, not me. A child will step up tothe plate when they feel the pressure and discomfort for their choices.When my kids transitioned from homeschool to formal school, I showered them with grace asthey were learning so many new things involving lockers, tests, new classroom rules, eating

lunch in a certain time frame, and so on. Months into it, I still found myself asking in themorning, “Did you brush your teeth? Did you make your bed? Did you...” My mind was going toexplode as I tried not only to get myself ready and out the door but to remember who did anddidn’t do what!I sat on the kitchen counter lamenting to Holy Spirit that I felt like I was going to lose it. The kidscame down only to confirm they had not done what was expected, and back up they went. Istayed on the counter trying to keep my cool. This continued for nearly 20 minutes.We finally got in the car when I calmly said, “Thanks for choosing to get all of your stuff donethis morning. Great job. I just want you to know that the bell rang 20 minutes ago.” They beggedme with tears not to make them go to school late, but I had to be tough to let them feel thediscomfort from their choices. Upon entering the school office, I was asked the purpose of thetardy. I simply said, “My kids were learning to take responsibility this morning.” The office clerkwinked at me and told the kids it would be unexcused and handed them their slips to enter theirclassrooms…late. Guess how many times they failed to do their morning routine after that?ChoicesMy twin’s first babysitting job was for a family that I really admired and liked. My strong leadercame home and said it didn’t go well. I embraced the challenge to walk her through being abetter leader when babysitting, but week after week the report was the same, “They won’t listento me.”Finally, she came home and declared she was never babysitting again. I was perplexedbecause she rises to most situations with great success. Shortly after my daughter fired herself,the mom asked to connect at the park while the kids played. I saw for myself why it didn’t go sowell for my daughter. The son was misbehaving, and the mom gave him a choice to have atime-out now or at home.When we got in the car, I asked my daughter if she ever gave the children choices when shebabysat and she said, “No, their mom said bedtime was at 7, so I told them at 6:30 it was timeto get pj’s on and brush their teeth.” Can you see the problem? The parenting style was solelyon empowering the children with choices, which worked well IF everyone offered them choices.The children would only obey if they were in the driver’s seat.Choices are fine AS LONG AS they know how to submit first or else you are producing a ‘peer’in your home who will demand to have an equal say.BrothersFrom the time my son was a young toddler, I declared over him Proverbs 17:17, “Brothers areborn for the time of need.” I looked for ways he could be helpful and meet the needs aroundhim. I would often say things like, “Hey, Mom needs a strong arm, a screwdriver, a gentleman, aboy’s insight, etc.” I was empowering him to save the day.

He thought it was a hoot to “open” the door for an elderly lady by standing in front of theautomatic door for her. I would point out someone who was unloading their groceries into theircar, and he would offer to take their cart back to the stall for them. If we were sitting in a roomfull of people and an elderly lady walked in, I would instruct him to give up his seat for her. Mygoal was to empower him as a gentleman and helper as he got involved in other people’sneeds.The following are object lessons. Children love engaging play, and the Kingdom isrighteousness, peace, and joy. You have permission to enjoy your children, play withthem, and connect with their hearts while you are parenting them. Don’t spend too muchtime fussing about the props used. Instead, focus on the principle each lesson is tryingto teach.

“Crazy Monkey”Objective: To teach children to exercise self-control and to use good manners.Prop: Stuffed MonkeyTake out the monkey and have some fun fooling around with it. Talk in a silly voice andintroduce your children to the newest family member, Crazy Monkey! Role-play how a crazymonkey would behave at the dinner table, while grocery shopping, when baby sister is taking anap, or when Mom says it is time to leave the park. Mom and Dad, this is your chance to beWILD!Then put the monkey down and begin to role-play how a child acts at the dinner table, groceryshopping, leaving the park, etc. Talk about when it is okay to be wild, like at the park or outside.Then talk about when wild behavior is inappropriate, like during dinner or while the baby issleeping.To help illustrate the lesson even more, think of a fun way to teach the lesson to the wholefamily. For instance, you could have a ‘Royal Dinner Party’ and set the table with fancydinnerware and everyone, including Mom and Dad, practice good manners.Discuss why manners are important and how a lack of manners affects those around us. Whatmanners do you want used in your home? What have you done to intentionally teach them toyour children? Now is a good time to start teaching if you haven’t done so already.In the days ahead when you see your kids acting like a “Crazy Monkey” at an inappropriatetime, simply say, “Oh no, it looks like Crazy Monkey wants to come out and play. Now is not thetime or place,” and they will have a grid for what you DO want.TimerObjective: To empower children to manage their bodies.Prop: Sand TimerThis is a great tool for teaching children there is a time and place to keep their bodies still and atime to move around. While we always want our children to be carefree, there are times whenself-control is required, like in church or at the doctor’s office. On the other hand, there are timeswhen one needs to move quickly, like when needing to get out the door for school or when Momneeds help.Explain to the children that there are times when they need to move very fast but there are othertimes when they need to be still. Be silly and practice timing how fast they can get their pj’s onand brush their teeth. Then bring them into the living room and tell them you are going to play agame. Everyone must sit still with their hands folded. Anytime someone unfolds their hands ortalks, start the timer over. When my children were very little, it took 45 minutes to get through

the timer without anyone moving or talking, but from that moment on they had a grid for what itmeant to be still.In the days ahead when you are going somewhere that requires them to manage their bodies,talk to them ahead of time about what is expected. Bring a bag of toys and let them know theyneed to manage themselves quietly on the chair. I called it “B & B time” which meant theyneeded to keep their backs and bottoms on the chair at all times. When you are running late orin a hurry, get down to their level and say, “Remember the timer? This is a time Mommy needsyou to work really fast. Can you help me?”FrogObjective: To teach children to use their words carefully.Proverbs 21:23 “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue, keeps his soul from troubles.”Prop: Green FrogGod gave frogs long tongues to catch their food. They have to be very still and intentional abouthow they use their tongue or they will scare away their dinner. Begin the exercise by acting likea frog. Jump around, ribbit, and stick out your tongue.Then explain to the children that God has given us words that are very powerful. In fact, theBible says our words are like a sword, and we can either help or hurt others with them. We needto be very wise in how we use our tongues so that we don’t end up hurting those around us orourselves.Read Proverbs 21:23 and talk about tattling on someone. Nine out of ten times when mychildren come to me to complain about someone, I discover they are at fault themselves, andthey end up getting disciplined for it. It was their mouth that revealed there was an issue andmore times than not the issue was with them. Obviously, the goal is not to hide things from Momand Dad but to teach our children to choose their words carefully in order to build others up andnot tear them down.In the days ahead when your children run to you to tattle-tale on their siblings, lovingly get downon their level and ask, “Honey, do you remember the wise frog? Are you using your tonguewisely right now?”FruitObjective: To teach children to choose the fruits of the Spirit.Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness,goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”Prop: FruitGrab a variety of fruits. Perhaps try some new ones for fun. Then create a fruit tray for thefamily. Talk about how each fruit is so different and has a unique taste. Then have a volunteer

read Galatians 5:22-23 and talk about how we can share the sweet fruit of the Holy Spirit withothers. Talk about what each fruit of the Spirit means and what it could look like demonstratedat the grocery store, dinner table, with friends, neighbors, and family.In the days ahead when you see the opposite “fruit” being shared, lovingly go to that child andask them which fruit they want to represent to others. Walk them through how they couldchange what they are doing or saying to reflect the fruit of the Spirit.To take it a step further, you could buy plastic fruit at a craft or dollar store and write the differentnames of the fruit of the Spirit on them to use as reinforcement teachings. Pick a new fruit eachday to work on.HorseObjective: To empower children to obey fully and completely the first time.Deuteronomy 28:1 ”Now it shall come to pass, if you diligently obey the voice of the Lord yourGod, to observe carefully all His commandments which I command you today, that the Lordyour God will set you high above all nations of the earth.”Prop: HorseExpose your child to horses either by taking a field trip to a horse farm, pulling off the side of theroad near one, getting a video from the library, or finding them on the Internet. They are sobeautiful and powerful. Talk about how a horse is powerful on their own, but when the bridle isin their mouth, they are trained to obey the rider right away.All the rider needs to do is gently move the reigns to the left or right and the horse automaticallygoes in that direction. They are not stubborn or demanding of their own way; they simply followthe commands of the rider. Explain to your child that God wants us to respond this way to Hisinstructions. He doesn’t just want us to obey in the end, but He wants us to do so fully andcompletely right away.In the days ahead when you need your child to follow your instructions, remind them of thecharacter of a horse. Often when my children were younger and not following instructions I’dgiven, I would simply say, “Mama needs you to be a horse right now,” and they knew that meantthey were behaving in a way that was opposite of what I had instructed. It was a great tool forwhen we were in public because it spared them the embarrassment of being called out in frontof others.Caught Being GoodObjective: To reinforce what you DO want.Ephesians 6:4 “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in thetraining and admonition of the Lord.”Prop: Sticker Chart

The “Caught Being Good” sticker chart is a way to celebrate the things our children are gettingright. Yes, of course, we want to correct our children when they are operating in an unpleasingway, but if that is the only way we parent we will exasperate them. It is so vital that we areproactively and intentionally teaching our children what we DO want from them.Before you host your friends for dinner, before you go to the doctor’s office, before you enter thestore, and before the babysitter comes over, sit your children down and tell them what willhappen and what you DO expect from them. Empower them to make good choices.In the days ahead when you catch your child doing a good job, make a big deal out of putting asticker on the chart. When they have filled the entire chart, celebrate with a treat, outing orspecial toy. When Dad walks in from work, declare out loud, “Guess what Johnny did today?”and publicly brag on him. THIS is the joy of parenting because it reflects how Father Godparents us!Honey Versus HorseradishObjective: To teach children the power of their words and tone.Proverbs 16:24 “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to thebones.”Prop: Horseradish and HoneyDo a teaching with your children on our mouth and taste buds. Explain that our tongue tastesthings that are bitter and sweet. Next, blindfold the children and lead them into the kitchen for ascience experiment.Place a tiny dab of horseradish on their tongues and ask them what they think. Although, youprobably won’t need to ask since they will naturally react to it. Then place a drop of honey ontheir tongues. They will probably beg for more. Share with them Proverbs 16:24 and discusshow our words need to be like sweet honey, not bitter horseradish.Practice role-playing some scenarios. What would words full of honey sound like whensomeone takes your toy? When someone is in your space? When someone has hurt you? Howcan you use words of honey to encourage others? Show honor to your parents and teachers?The goal isn’t to have negative feelings or reactions in negative situations but to respond in lovedespite being upset or hurt. You can also take the opportunity to teach them how to beintentionally ‘sweet’ with their words as opportunities arise to bless others.In the days ahead when you hear harsh tones and unloving words, simply call out, “Oh, thatsounds like horseradish to my ears!” When you hear them speaking kindly, you can say, “Oh, Ilove the honey coming out of your mouth!”

Happy FaceObjective: To teach children to be joyful always.1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; forthis is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”Prop: Face BallThis teaching tool can be used with children at a very young age. Kids need to be taught thatscreaming, yelling, crying and throwing a temper tantrum is not an appropriate response. Teachthis lesson in a time of peace, not in the midst of a meltdown.Bring out a ball and show them the face on it. Some are happy faces, and some are angryfaces. Mimic a child crying hard. “Waaaaaa!” Then firmly shake your head back and forth andsay, “No. No fussing.” Then smile really big and pat your cheeks saying, “Happy face.” Practicedoing this often in times of peace. Model “happy face” by patting your cheeks with a big smileand ask them to do it. This will become a fun game.In the days ahead when your child begins to have a meltdown, get down on their level and bringthe ball with you. Model for them the crying child and say, “No. No fussing,” and then do “happyface.” It is okay that they are upset about something, but they can be taught to be joyful, even inthe midst of stress.ChoresObjective: To empower children to be helpful.Proverbs 6:6 “You lazy fool, look at an ant. Watch it closely; let it teach you a thing or two.”Prop: Wooden SticksWhen your children are fifteen, do you still want to be picking up after them, doing all of theirlaundry, and cleaning their rooms? I am a firm believer that we are equipping our children toreflect their future. Cash in on the fact that young children want to imitate Mom and Dad.Developing a good work ethic will be a blessing to them all the days of their lives.In the days ahead, come up with certain household chores such as emptying the dishwasher,folding clothes (which could just be towels or matching socks to start with), sweeping, emptyingtrash bins, or scrubbing toilets. Write a single chore on each wooden stick. Put them in a jar andhave each child draw for which chore they will be responsible for that day or week.For this to be effective, you must follow through. You can’t expect them to automatically do agreat job if you aren’t willing to inspect their work. This is a time of training them andempowering them, not a nagging task. Make it fun and rewarding. You are sowing into a lifetimeskill that will set them up for success in all they put their hands to.

Royal TeaObjective: To teach children how to act like royalty.2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a soundmind.”Prop: Creative items for a royal tea partyWhile this verse doesn’t seem like it has to do with royalty, it has everything to do with actinglike true Sons and Daughters. Invite your children to a special ‘Royal Tea’ party. Perhaps makea fun invitation or announcement that they need to meet you at the table at 7 o’clock for aspecial treat. Bring out the special dishes and have them dress up in their Sunday best. Pull outthe chair for them and model all things royal.Talk in your English accent if you must, and begin to teach them how to eat like a lady orgentleman. Show them how to wipe their mouth on their napkin and how to say, “Please passthe plate of cookies.” Tell them that they are God’s royalty and they get to walk powerfully inlove and confidence.In the days ahead, be on the lookout for ways you can point out and empower your child to walkin power, love, and confidence! When you see them begging for something, lovingly remindthem that they are royalty and do not need to whine. Instead, they can ask in a loving voice.Nothing opens doors and releases favor over your children’s livesmore than showing good character and kindness toward others. I can’ttell you the countless ways my children have been blessed by simplybeing kind to those around them.Love is a verb, and we can teach and equip our children how to walk in the fruit of theSpirit and release the Kingdom everywhere they go!Be blessed!Lisa