E-Book_5 Love Language - Gary Chapman

Brent about the issues in this book and explained the difference between the experience of falling in love and the deep emotional need to feel loved. I explained the five love languages and challenged him to give his marriage another chance. All the while, I knew that my intellectual and reasoned approach to marriage compared to the emotional high that he was experiencing was like pitting a BB gun against an automatic weapon. He expressed appreciation for my concern and asked that I do everything possible to help Becky. But he assured me that he saw no hope for the marriage. One month later, I received a call from Brent. He indicated that he would like to talk with me again. This time when he entered my office he was noticeably disturbed. He was not the calm, cool man I had seen before. His lover had begun to come down off the emotional high, and she was observing things in Brent that she did not like. She was withdrawing from the relationship, and he was crushed. Tears came to his eyes as he told me how much she meant to him and how unbearable it was to experience her rejection. I listened sympathetically for an hour before Brent ever asked for my advice. I told him how sympathetic I was to his pain and indicated that what he was experiencing was the natural emotional grief from a loss and that the grief would not go away overnight. I explained, however, that the experience was inevitable. I reminded him of the temporary nature of the “in love experience,” that sooner or later, we

always come down from the high to the real world. Some fall out of love before they get married; others, after they get married. He agreed that it was better now than later. After some time, I suggested that perhaps the crisis was a good time for him and his wife to get some marriage counseling. I reminded him that true, long-lasting emotional love is a choice and that emotional love could be reborn in his marriage if he and his wife learned to love each other in the right love languages. He agreed to marriage counseling; and nine months later, Brent and Becky left my office with a reborn marriage. When I saw Brent three years later, he told me what a wonderful marriage he had and thanked me for helping him at a crucial time in his life. He told me that the grief over losing the other lover had been gone for more than two years. He smiled and said, “My tank has never been so full, and Becky is the happiest woman you are ever going to meet.” Fortunately Brent was the benefactor of what I call the disequilibrium of the “in love experience.” That is, almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day. You don’t have to be a social scientist to discover that truth. Just listen to country and western songs. Brent’s lover happened to have fallen out of love at an opportune time. When an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love.

In the nine months that I counseled Brent and Becky, we worked through numerous conflicts that they had never resolved before. But the key to the rebirth of their marriage was discovering each other’s primary love language and choosing to speak it frequently. Let me return to the question I raised in chapter 9. “What if the love language of your spouse is something that doesn’t come naturally for you?” I am often asked this question at my marriage seminars, and my answer is, “So?” My wife’s love language is “Acts of Service.” One of the things I do for her regularly as an act of love is to vacuum the floors. Do you think that vacuuming floors comes naturally for me? My mother used to make me vacuum. All through junior high and high school, I couldn’t go play ball on Saturday until I finished vacuuming the entire house. In those days, I said to myself, “When I get out of here, one thing I am not going to do: I am not going to vacuum houses. I’ll get myself a wife to do that.” But I vacuum our house now, and I vacuum it regularly. And there is only one reason I vacuum our house. Love. You couldn’t pay me enough to vacuum a house, but I do it for love. You see, when an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love. My wife knows that when I vacuum the house, it’s nothing but 100 percent pure,

unadulterated love, and I get credit for the whole thing! Someone says, “But, Dr. Chapman, that’s different. I know that my spouse’s love language is physical touch, and I am not a toucher. I never saw my mother and father hug each other. They never hugged me, Dr. Chapman. I am just not a toucher. What am I going to do?” Do you have two hands? Can you put them together? Now, imagine that you have your spouse in the middle and pull him/her toward you. I’ll bet that if you hug your spouse three thousand times, it will begin to feel more comfortable. But ultimately, comfort is not the issue. We are talking about love, and love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. Most of us do many things each day that do not come “naturally” for us. For some of us, that is getting out of bed in the morning. We go against our feelings and get out of bed. Why? Because we believe there is something worthwhile to do that day. And normally, before the day is over, we feel good about having gotten up. Our actions preceded our emotions. The same is true with love. We discover the primary love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. We are not claiming to have warm, excited feelings. We are simply choosing to do it for his or her benefit. We want to meet our spouse’s emotional need, and we reach out to speak his love language. In so doing, his emotional love tank is filled and chances are he will reciprocate and speak our language. When he does, our emotions return, and our love tank

begins to fill. Love is a choice. And either partner can start the process today.





chapter eleven

L M DOVE AKES THE IFFERENCE Love is not our only emotional need. Psychologists have observed that among our basic needs are the need for security, self-worth, and significance. Love, however, interfaces with all of those. If I feel loved by my spouse, I can relax, knowing that my lover will do me no ill. I feel secure in his/her presence. I may face many uncertainties in my vocation. I may have enemies in other areas of my life, but with my spouse I feel secure. My sense of self-worth is fed by the fact that my spouse loves me. After all, if he/she loves me, I must be worth loving. My parents may have given me negative or mixed messages about my worth, but my spouse knows me as an adult and loves me. Her love builds my self- esteem. The need for significance is the emotional force behind much of our behavior. Life is driven by the desire for success. We want our lives to count for something. We have our own idea of what it means to be significant, and we work hard to reach our goals. Feeling loved by a spouse enhances our sense of significance. We reason, If

someone loves me, I must have significance. I am significant because I stand at the apex of the created order. I have the ability to think in abstract terms, communicate my thoughts via words, and make decisions. By means of printed or recorded words, I can benefit from the thoughts of those who have preceded me. I can profit from others’ experience, though they lived in a different age and culture. I experience the death of family and friends and sense that there is existence beyond the material. I discover that, in all cultures, people believe in a spiritual world. My heart tells me it is true even when my mind, trained in scientific observation, raises critical questions. I am significant. Life has meaning. There is a higher purpose. I want to believe it, but I may not feel significant until someone expresses love to me. When my spouse lovingly invests time, energy, and effort in me, I believe that I am significant. Without love, I may spend a lifetime in search of significance, self-worth, and security. When I experience love, it impacts all of those needs positively. I am now freed to develop my potential. I am more secure in my self-worth and can now turn my efforts outward instead of being obsessed with my own needs. True love always liberates. In the context of marriage, if we do not feel loved, our differences are magnified. We come to view each other as a threat to our happiness. We fight for self-worth and significance, and marriage becomes a battlefield rather than a haven.

Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us. In the security of love, a couple can discuss differences without condemnation. Conflicts can be resolved. Two people who are different can learn to live together in harmony. We discover how to bring out the best in each other. Those are the rewards of love. The decision to love your spouse holds tremendous potential. Learning his/her primary love language makes that potential a reality. Love really does “make the world go round.” At least it did for Jean and Norm. They had traveled for three hours to get to my office. It was obvious that Norm did not want to be there. Jean had twisted his arm by threats of leaving him. (I do not suggest this approach, but people do not always know my suggestions before they come to see me.) They had been married for thirty-five years and had never gone to counseling before. Jean began the conversation. “Dr. Chapman, I want you to know two things up front. First of all, we don’t have any money problems. I was reading in a magazine that money is the biggest problem in marriage. That’s not true for us. We both have worked through the years, the house is paid for, the cars are paid for. We don’t have any money problems. Second, I want you to know that we don’t argue. I

hear my friends talking about the arguments they have all the time. We have never argued. I can’t remember the last time we ever had an argument. Both of us agree that arguing is fruitless, so we don’t argue.” As a counselor, I appreciated Jean’s clearing the path. I knew that she was going to get right to the point. It was obvious that she had thought through her opening statement. She wanted to make sure we didn’t get bogged down in nonproblems. She wanted to use the hour wisely. She continued. “The problem is that I just don’t feel any love coming from my husband. Life is a routine for us. We get up in the morning and go off to work. In the afternoon, he does his thing and I do my thing. We generally have dinner together, but we don’t talk. He watches TV while we eat. After dinner, he piddles in the basement and then sleeps in front of the TV until I tell him it’s time to go to bed. That is our schedule five days a week. On Saturday, he plays golf in the morning, works in the yard in the afternoon, and we go out to dinner with another couple on Saturday night. He talks to them, but when we get into the car to go home, the conversation is over. Once we are at home, he sleeps in front of the TV until we go to bed. On Sunday morning, we go to church. We always go to church on Sunday morning, Dr. Chapman,” she emphasized. “Then,” she said, “we go out to lunch with some friends. When we get home, he sleeps in front of the TV all Sunday afternoon. We usually go back to church on Sunday night, come home, eat popcorn, and go to bed. That’s our

schedule every week. That’s all there is to it. We are like two roommates living in the same house. There is nothing going on between us. I don’t feel any love coming from him. There is no warmth, there’s no emotion. It’s empty, it’s dead. I don’t think I can go on much longer like this.” By that time, Jean was crying. I handed her a tissue and looked at Norm. His first comment was, “I don’t understand her.” After a brief pause, he continued. “I have done everything I know to show her that I love her, especially the last two or three years since she’s been complaining about it so much. Nothing seems to help. No matter what I do, she continues to complain that she doesn’t feel loved. I don’t know what else to do.” I could tell that Norm was frustrated and exasperated. I inquired, “What have you been doing to show your love for Jean?” “Well, for one thing,” he said, “I get home from work before she does, so I get dinner started every night. In fact, if you want to know the truth, I have dinner almost ready when she gets home four nights a week. The other night, we go out to eat. After dinner, I wash dishes three nights a week. The other night I have a meeting, but three nights I wash the dishes after dinner is over. I do all the vacuuming because her back is bad. I do all the yard work because she is allergic to pollen. I fold the clothes when they come out of the dryer.” He went on telling me other things that he did for Jean. When he finished, I wondered, What does this woman do?

There was almost nothing left for her. Norm continued, “I do all those things to show her that I love her, yet she sits there and says to you what she has been saying to me for two or three years—that she doesn’t feel loved. I don’t know what else to do for her.” When I turned back to Jean she said, “Dr. Chapman, all of those things are fine, but I want him to sit on the couch and talk to me. We don’t ever talk. We haven’t talked in thirty years. He’s always washing dishes, vacuuming the floor, mowing the grass. He’s always doing something. I want him to sit on the couch with me and give me some time, look at me, talk to me about us, about our lives.” Jean was crying again. It was obvious to me that her primary love language was “Quality Time.” She was crying for attention. She wanted to be treated as a person, not an object. Norm’s busyness did not meet her emotional need. As I talked further with Norm, I discovered that he didn’t feel loved either, but he wasn’t talking about it. He reasoned, “If you have been married for thirty-five years and your bills are paid and you don’t argue, what more can you hope for?” That’s where he was. But when I said to him, “What would be an ideal wife to you? If you could have a perfect wife, what would she be like?” he looked me in the eye for the first time and asked, “Do you really want to know?” “Yes,” I said. He sat up on the couch and folded his arms across his chest. A big smile broke on his face, and he said, “I’ve dreamed about this. A perfect wife would be a wife who

would come home in the afternoon and fix dinner for me. I would be working in the yard, and she would call me in to eat. After dinner, she would wash the dishes. I would probably help her some, but she would take the responsibility. She would sew the buttons on my shirt when they fall off.” Jean could contain herself no longer. She turned to him and said, “I’m not believing you. You told me that you liked to cook.” “I don’t mind cooking,” Norm responded, “but the man asked me what would be ideal.” I knew Norm’s primary love language without another word—“Acts of Service.” Why do you think Norm did all of those things for Jean? Because that was his love language. In his mind, that’s the way you show love: by doing things for people. The problem was that “doing things” was not Jean’s primary love language. It did not mean to her emotionally what it would have meant to him if she had been doing things for him. When the light came on in Norm’s mind, the first thing he said was, “Why didn’t somebody tell me this thirty years ago? I could have been sitting on the couch talking to her fifteen minutes every night instead of doing all this stuff.” He turned to Jean and said, “For the first time in my life, I finally understand what you mean when you say ‘We don’t talk.’ I could never understand that. I thought we did talk. I always ask, ‘Did you sleep well?’ I thought we were talking, but now I understand. You want to sit on the couch

fifteen minutes every night and look at each other and talk. Now I understand what you mean, and now I know why it is so important to you. It is your emotional love language, and we’ll start tonight. I’ll give you fifteen minutes on the couch every night for the rest of my life. You can count on that.” Jean turned to Norm and said, “That would be heavenly, and I don’t mind fixing dinner for you. It will have to be later than usual because I get off work later than you, but I don’t mind fixing dinner. And I would love to sew your buttons on. You never left them off long enough for me to get them. I’ll wash dishes the rest of my life if it will make you feel loved.” Jean and Norm went home and started loving each other in the right love languages. In less than two months, they were on a second honeymoon. They called me from the Bahamas to tell me what a radical change had taken place in their marriage. Can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.





chapter twelve

L UOVING THE NLOVELY It was a beautiful September Saturday. My wife and I were strolling through Reynolda Gardens, enjoying the flora, some of which had been imported from around the world. The gardens had originally been developed by R. J. Reynolds, the tobacco magnate, as a part of his country estate. They are now a part of the Wake Forest University campus. We had just passed the rose garden when I noticed Ann, a woman who had begun counseling two weeks earlier, approaching us. She was looking down at the cobblestone walkway and appeared to be in deep thought. When I greeted her, she was startled but looked up and smiled. I introduced her to Karolyn, and we exchanged pleasantries. Then, without any lead-in, she asked me one of the most profound questions I have ever heard: “Dr. Chapman, is it possible to love someone whom you hate?” I knew the question was born of deep hurt and deserved a thoughtful answer. I knew that I would be seeing her the following week for another counseling appointment, so I said, “Ann, that is one of the most thought-provoking questions I have ever heard. Why don’t we discuss that next week?” She agreed, and Karolyn and I continued our stroll.

But Ann’s question did not go away. Later, as we drove home, Karolyn and I discussed it. We reflected on the early days of our own marriage and remembered that we had often experienced feelings of hate. Our condemning words to each other had stimulated hurt and, on the heels of hurt, anger. Anger held inside becomes hate. What made the difference for us? We both knew it was the choice to love. We had realized that if we continued our pattern of demanding and condemning, we would destroy our marriage. Fortunately over a period of about a year, we had learned how to discuss our differences without condemning each other, how to make decisions without destroying our unity, how to give constructive suggestions without being demanding, and eventually how to speak each other’s primary love language. (Many of those insights are recorded in an earlier book, Toward a Growing Marriage, Moody Publishers.) Our choice to love was made in the midst of negative feelings toward each other. When we started speaking each other’s primary love language, the negative feelings of anger and hate abated. Our situation, however, was different from Ann’s. Karolyn and I had both been open to learning and growing. I knew that Ann’s husband was not. She had told me the previous week that she had begged him to go for counseling. She had pleaded for him to read a book or listen to a tape on marriage, but he had refused all her efforts toward growth. According to her, his attitude was: “I don’t have any problems. You are the one with the

problems.” In his mind he was right, she was wrong—it was as simple as that. Her feelings of love for him had been killed through the years by his constant criticism and condemnation. After ten years of marriage, her emotional energy was depleted and her self-esteem almost destroyed. Was there hope for Ann’s marriage? Could she love an unlovely husband? Would he ever respond in love to her? I knew that Ann was a deeply religious person and that she attended church regularly. I surmised that perhaps her only hope for marital survival was in her faith. The next day, with Ann in mind, I began to read Luke’s account of the life of Christ. I have always admired Luke’s writing because he was a physician who gave attention to details and in the first century wrote an orderly account of the teachings and lifestyle of Jesus of Nazareth. In what many have called Jesus’ greatest sermon, I read the following words, which I call love’s greatest challenge. I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you…. Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even “sinners” love those who love them.1 It seemed to me that that profound challenge, written

almost two thousand years ago, might be the direction that Ann was looking for, but could she do it? Could anyone do it? Is it possible to love a spouse who has become your enemy? Is it possible to love one who has cursed you, mistreated you, and expressed feelings of contempt and hate for you? And if she could, would there be any payback? Would her husband ever change and begin to express love and care for her? I was astounded by this further word from Jesus’ ancient sermon: “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”2 Could that ancient principle of loving an unlovely person possibly work in a marriage as far gone as Ann’s? I decided to do an experiment. I would take as my hypothesis that if Ann could learn her husband’s primary love language and speak it for a period of time so that his emotional need for love was met, eventually he would reciprocate and begin to express love to her. I wondered, Would it work? I met with Ann the next week and listened again as she reviewed the horrors of her marriage. At the end of her synopsis, she repeated the question she had asked in Reynolda Gardens. This time she put it in the form of a statement: “Dr. Chapman, I just don’t know if I can ever love him again after all he has done to me.” “Have you talked about your situation with any of your friends?” I asked.

“With two of my closest friends,” she said, “and a little bit with some other people.” “And what was their response?” “Get out,” she said. “They all tell me to get out, that he will never change, and that I am simply prolonging the agony. But, Dr. Chapman, I just can’t bring myself to do that. Maybe I should, but I just can’t believe that’s the right thing to do.” “It seems to me that you are torn between your religious and moral beliefs that tell you it is wrong to get out of the marriage, and your emotional pain, which tells you that getting out is the only way to survive,” I said. “That’s exactly right, Dr. Chapman. That’s exactly the way I feel. I don’t know what to do.” When the tank is low…we have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain. “I am deeply sympathetic with your struggle,” I continued. “You are in a very difficult situation. I wish I could offer you an easy answer. Unfortunately, I can’t. Both of the alternatives you mentioned, getting out or staying in, will likely bring you a great deal of pain. Before you make that decision, I do have one idea. I am not sure it will work, but I’d like you to try it. I know from what you have told me that your religious faith is important to you and that you have a

great deal of respect for the teachings of Jesus.” She nodded affirmingly. I continued, “I want to read something that Jesus once said that I think has some application to your marriage.” I read slowly and deliberately. “‘I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you…. Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even “sinners” love those who love them.’ “Does that sound like your husband? Has he treated you as an enemy rather than as a friend?” I inquired. She nodded her head affirmingly. “Has he ever cursed you?” I asked. “Many times.” “Has he ever mistreated you?” “Often.” “And has he told you that he hates you?” “Yes.” “Ann, if you are willing, I would like to do an experiment. I would like to see what would happen if we apply this principle to your marriage. Let me explain what I mean.” I went on to explain to Ann the concept of the emotional tank and the fact that when the tank is low, as hers was, we have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain. Since love is such a deep emotional need, the lack of it is perhaps our deepest emotional pain. I told her that if we could learn to speak each other’s primary love language, that emotional

need could be met and positive feelings could be engendered again. “Does that make sense to you?” I inquired. “Dr. Chapman, you have just described my life. I have never seen it so clearly before. We were in love before we got married, but not long after our marriage we came down off the high and we never learned to speak each other’s love language. My tank has been empty for years, and I am sure his has also. Dr. Chapman, if I had understood this concept earlier, maybe none of this would have happened.” “We can’t go back, Ann,” I said. “All we can do is try to make the future different. I would like to propose a six- month experiment.” “I’ll try anything,” Ann said. I liked her positive spirit, but I wasn’t sure whether she understood how difficult the experiment would be. “Let’s begin by stating our objective,” I said. “If in six months you could have your fondest wish, what would it be?” Ann sat in silence for some time. Then thoughtfully she said, “I would like to see Glenn loving me again and expressing it by spending time with me. I would like to see us doing things together, going places together. I would like to feel that he is interested in my world. I would like to see us talking when we go out to eat. I’d like him to listen to me. I’d like to feel that he values my ideas. I would like to see us taking trips together and having fun again. I would like to know that he values our marriage more than anything.”

Ann paused and then continued. “On my part, I would like to have warm, positive feelings toward him again. I would like to gain respect for him again. I would like to be proud of him. Right now, I don’t have those feelings.” I was writing as Ann was speaking. When she finished, I read aloud what she had said. “That sounds like a pretty lofty objective,” I said, “but is that really what you want, Ann?” “Right now, that sounds like an impossible objective, Dr. Chapman,” Ann replied, “but more than anything, that’s what I would like to see.” “Then let’s agree,” I said, “that this will be our objective. In six months, we want to see you and Glenn having this kind of love relationship. “Now, let me suggest a hypothesis. The purpose of our experiment will be to prove whether or not the hypothesis is true. Let’s hypothesize that if you could speak Glenn’s primary love language consistently for a six-month period, that somewhere along the line his emotional need for love would begin to be met; and as his emotional tank filled, he would begin to reciprocate love to you. That hypothesis is built upon the idea that the emotional need for love is our deepest emotional need; and when that need is being met, we tend to respond positively to the person who is meeting it.” I continued, “You understand that that hypothesis places all the initiative in your hands. Glenn is not trying to work on this marriage. You are. This hypothesis says that if

you can channel your energies in the right direction, there is a good possibility that Glenn will eventually reciprocate.” I read the other portion of Jesus’ sermon recorded by Luke, the physician. “‘Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.’ “As I understand that, Jesus is stating a principle, not a way to manipulate people. Generally speaking, if we are kind and loving toward people, they will tend to be kind and loving toward us. That does not mean that we can make a person kind by being kind to him. We are independent agents. Thus, we can spurn love and walk away from love or even spit into the face of love. There is no guarantee that Glenn will respond to your acts of love. We can only say that there is a good possibility he will do so.” (A counselor can never predict with absolute certainty individual human behavior. Based on research and personality studies, a counselor can only predict how a person is likely to respond in a given situation.) After we agreed on the hypothesis, I said to Ann, “Now let’s discuss your and Glenn’s primary love languages. I’m assuming from what you have told me already that quality time may be your primary love language. What do you think?” “I think so, Dr. Chapman. In the early days when we spent time together and Glenn listened to me, we spent long hours talking together, doing things together. I really

felt loved. More than anything, I wish that part of our marriage could return. When we spend time together, I feel like he really cares, but when he’s always doing other things, never has time to talk, never has time to do anything with me, I feel like business and other pursuits are more important than our relationship.” “And what do you think Glenn’s primary love language is?” I inquired. “I think it is physical touch and especially the sexual part of the marriage. I know that when I felt more loved by him and we were more sexually active, he had a different attitude. I think that’s his primary love language, Dr. Chapman.” “Does he ever complain about the way you talk to him?” “Well, he says I nag him all the time. He also says that I don’t support him, that I’m always against his ideas.” “Then, let’s assume,” I said, “that ‘Physical Touch’ is his primary love language and ‘Words of Affirmation’ is his secondary love language. The reason I suggest the second is that if he complains about negative words, apparently positive words would be meaningful to him. “Now, let me suggest a plan to test our hypothesis. What if you go home and say to Glenn, ‘I’ve been thinking about us and I’ve decided that I would like to be a better wife to you. So if you have any suggestions as to how I could be a better wife, I want you to know that I am open to them. You can tell me now or you can think about it and let

me know what you think, but I would really like to work on being a better wife.’ Whatever his response, negative or positive, simply accept it as information. That initial statement lets him know that something different is about to happen in your relationship. If you claim to have feelings that you do not have, that is hypocritical…. But if you express an act of love that is designed for the other person’s benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice. “Then based upon your guess that his primary love language is ‘Physical Touch’ and my suggestion that his secondary love language may be ‘Words of Affirmation,’ focus your attention on those two areas for one month. “If Glenn comes back with a suggestion as to how you might be a better wife, accept that information and work it into your plan. Look for positive things in Glenn’s life and give him verbal affirmation about those things. In the meantime, stop all verbal complaints. If you want to complain about something, write it down in your personal notebook rather than saying anything about it to Glenn this month. “Begin taking more initiative in physical touch and sexual involvement. Surprise him by being aggressive, not simply responding to his advances. Set a goal to have

sexual intercourse at least once a week the first two weeks and twice a week the following two weeks.” Ann had told me that she and Glenn had had sexual intercourse only once or twice in the past six months. I figured this plan would get things off dead center rather quickly. “Oh, Dr. Chapman, this is going to be difficult,” Ann said. “I have found it hard to be sexually responsive to him when he ignores me all the time. I have felt used rather than loved in our sexual encounters. He acts as though I am totally unimportant all the rest of the time and then wants to jump in bed and use my body. I have resented that, and I guess that’s why we have not had sex very often in the last few years.” “Your response has been natural and normal,” I assured Ann. “For most wives, the desire to be sexually intimate with their husbands grows out of a sense of being loved by their husbands. If they feel loved, then they desire sexual intimacy. If they do not feel loved, they likely feel used in the sexual context. That is why loving someone who is not loving you is extremely difficult. It goes against our natural tendencies. You will probably have to rely heavily upon your faith in God in order to do this. Perhaps it will help if you read again Jesus’ sermon on loving your enemies, loving those who hate you, loving those who use you. And then ask God to help you practice the teachings of Jesus.” I could tell that Ann was following what I was saying. Her head was nodding ever so slightly. Her eyes told me

she had lots of questions. “But, Dr. Chapman, isn’t it being hypocritical to express love sexually when you have such negative feelings toward the person?” “Perhaps it would be helpful for us to distinguish between love as a feeling and love as an action,” I said. “If you claim to have feelings that you do not have, that is hypocritical and such false communication is not the way to build intimate relationships. But if you express an act of love that is designed for the other person’s benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice. You are not claiming that the action grows out of a deep emotional bonding. You are simply choosing to do something for his benefit. I think that must be what Jesus meant. “Certainly we do not have warm feelings for people who hate us. That would be abnormal, but we can do loving acts for them. That is simply a choice. We hope that such loving acts will have a positive effect upon their attitudes and behavior and treatment, but at least we have chosen to do something positive for them.” My answer seemed to satisfy Ann, at least for the moment. I had the feeling that we would discuss that again. I also had the feeling that if the experiment was going to get off the ground, it would be because of Ann’s deep faith in God. “After the first month,” I said, “I want you to ask Glenn for feedback on how you are doing. Using your own words, ask him, ‘Glenn, you remember a few weeks ago when I

told you I was going to try to be a better wife? I want to ask how you think I am doing.’ “Whatever Glenn says, accept it as information. He may be sarcastic, he may be flippant or hostile, or he may be positive. Whatever his response, do not argue but accept it and assure him that you are serious and that you really want to be a better wife, and if he has additional suggestions, you are open to them. “Follow this pattern of asking for feedback once a month for the entire six months. Whenever Glenn gives you the first positive feedback, whenever he says, ‘You know, I have to admit that when you first told me that you were going to try to be better, I pretty much laughed it off, but I’ll have to acknowledge that things are different around here,’ you will know that your efforts are getting through to him emotionally. He may give you positive feedback after the first month, or it may be after the second or third. One week after you receive the first positive feedback, I want you to make a request of Glenn—something that you would like him to do, something in keeping with your primary love language. For example, you may say to him one evening, ‘Glenn, do you know something I would like to do? Do you remember how we used to play Scrabble together? I’d like to play Scrabble with you on Thursday night. The kids are going to be staying at Mary’s. Do you think that would be possible?’ “Make the request something specific, not general. Don’t say, ‘You know, I wish we would spend more time

together.’ That’s too vague. How will you know when he’s done it? But if you make your request specific, he will know exactly what you want and you will know that, when he does it, he is choosing to do something for your benefit. “Make a specific request of him each month. If he does it, fine; if he doesn’t do it, fine. But when he does it, you will know that he is responding to your needs. In the process, you are teaching him your primary love language because the requests you make are in keeping with your love language. If he chooses to begin loving you in your primary language, your positive emotions toward him will begin to resurface. Your emotional tank will begin to fill up and in time the marriage will, in fact, be reborn.” Perhaps you need a miracle in your own marriage. Why not try Ann’s experiment? “Dr. Chapman, I would do anything if that could happen,” Ann said. “Well,” I responded, “it will take a lot of hard work, but I believe it’s worth a try. I’m personally interested to see if this experiment works and if our hypothesis is true. I would like to meet with you regularly throughout this process— perhaps every two weeks—and I would like you to keep records on the positive words of affirmation that you give Glenn each week. Also, I would like you to bring me your list

of complaints that you have written in your notebook without stating them to Glenn. Perhaps from the felt complaints, I can help you build specific requests for Glenn that will help meet some of those frustrations. Eventually, I want you to learn how to share your frustrations and irritations in a constructive way, and I want you and Glenn to learn how to work through those irritations and conflicts. But during this six-month experiment, I want you to write them down without telling Glenn.” Ann left, and I believed that she had the answer to her question: “Is it possible to love someone whom you hate?” In the next six months, Ann saw a tremendous change in Glenn’s attitude and treatment of her. The first month, he was flippant and treated the whole thing lightly. But after the second month, he gave her positive feedback about her efforts. In the last four months, he responded positively to almost all of her requests, and her feelings for him began to change drastically. Glenn never came for counseling, but he did listen to some of my tapes and discuss them with Ann. He encouraged Ann to continue her counseling, which she did for another three months after our experiment. To this day, Glenn swears to his friends that I am a miracle worker. I know in fact that love is a miracle worker. Perhaps you need a miracle in your own marriage. Why not try Ann’s experiment? Tell your spouse that you have

been thinking about your marriage and have decided that you would like to do a better job of meeting his/her needs. Ask for suggestions on how you could improve. His suggestions will be a clue to his primary love language. If he makes no suggestions, guess his love language based on the things he has complained about over the years. Then, for six months, focus your attention on that love language. At the end of each month, ask your spouse for feedback on how you are doing and for further suggestions. Whenever your spouse indicates that he is seeing improvement, wait one week and then make a specific request. The request should be something you really want him to do for you. If he chooses to do it, you will know that he is responding to your needs. If he does not honor your request, continue to love him. Maybe next month he will respond positively. If your spouse starts speaking your love language by responding to your requests, your positive emotions toward him will return, and in time your marriage will be reborn. I cannot guarantee the results, but scores of people whom I have counseled have experienced the miracle of love. NOTES 1. Luke 6:27–28, 31–32. 2. Luke 6:38.





chapter thirteen

C L LHILDREN AND OVE ANGUAGES Does the concept of love languages apply to children? I am often asked that question by those attending my marriage seminars. My unqualified answer is yes. When children are little, you don’t know their primary love language. Therefore, pour on all five and you are bound to hit it; but if you observe their behavior, you can learn their primary love language rather early. Bobby is six years old. When his father comes home from work, Bobby jumps into his lap, reaches up, and messes up his father’s hair. What is Bobby saying to his father? “I want to be touched.” He is touching his father because he wants to be touched. Bobby’s primary love language is likely “Physical Touch.” Patrick lives next door to Bobby. He is five and a half, and he and Bobby are playmates. Patrick’s father, however, faces a different scenario when he comes home from work. Patrick says excitedly, “Come here, Daddy. I want to show you something. Come here.” His father says, “Just a minute, Patrick, I want to look at the paper.” Patrick leaves for a moment but is back in fifteen

seconds, saying, “Daddy, come to my room. I want to show you now, Daddy. I want to show you now.” His father replies, “Just a minute, son. Let me finish reading.” Patrick’s mother calls him, and he dashes off. His mother tells him that his father is tired and please let him read the paper for a few minutes. Patrick says, “But, Mommy, I want to show him what I made.” “I know,” says his mother, “but let Dad read for a few minutes.” Sixty seconds later, Patrick is back to his father and instead of saying anything, he jumps into his father’s paper, laughing. His father says, “What are you doing, Patrick?” Patrick says, “I want you to come to my room, Daddy. I want to show you what I made.” What is Patrick requesting? “Quality Time.” He wants his father’s undivided attention, and he won’t stop until he gets it, even if he must create a scene. If your child is often making presents for you, wrapping them up and giving them to you with a special glee in his or her eye, your child’s primary love language is probably “Receiving Gifts.” He gives to you because he desires to receive. If you observe your son or daughter always trying to help a younger brother or sister, it probably means that his or her primary love language is “Acts of Service.” If he or

she is often telling you how good you look and what a good mother or father you are and what a good job you did, it is an indicator that his or her primary love language is “Words of Affirmation.” All of that is on the subconscious level for the child. That is, the child is not consciously thinking, “If I give a gift, my parents will give me a gift; if I touch, I will be touched,” but her behavior is motivated by her own emotional desires. Perhaps she has learned by experience that when she does or says certain things, she typically receives certain responses from her parents. Thus, she does or says that which results in getting her own emotional needs met. If all goes well and their emotional needs are met, children develop into responsible adults; but if the emotional need is not met, they may violate acceptable standards, expressing anger toward parents who did not meet their needs, and seeking love in inappropriate places. Dr. Ross Campbell, the psychiatrist who first told me about the emotional love tank, says that in his many years of treating adolescents who have been involved in sexual misconduct, he has never treated such an adolescent whose emotional need for love has been met by the parents. His opinion was that almost all sexual misconduct in adolescents is rooted in an empty emotional love tank. Why is it that as the child gets older, our “Words of Affirmation” turn to words of condemnation?

Have you seen that in your community? A teenager runs away from home. The parents wring their hands, saying, “How could he do this to us after all we have done for him?” but the teenager is sixty miles down the road in some counselor’s office, saying, “My parents don’t love me. They have never loved me. They love my brother, but they don’t love me.” Do the parents, in fact, love that teenager? In the majority of cases, they do. Then what’s the problem? Very likely, the parents never learned how to communicate love in a language the child could understand. Perhaps they bought ball gloves and bicycles to show their love, but the child was crying, “Will someone play ball with me? Will someone go riding with me?” The difference between buying a ball glove and playing ball with a child may be the difference between an empty love tank and a full one. Parents can sincerely love their children (most do), but sincerity is not enough. We must learn to speak the primary love language of our children if we are to meet their emotional need for love. Let’s look at the five love languages in the context of loving children. W AORDS OF FFIRMATION Parents typically give many affirming words when the child is young. Even before the child understands verbal

communication, parents are saying, “What a pretty nose, what beautiful eyes, what curly hair,” and so on. When the child begins to crawl, we applaud every movement and give “Words of Affirmation.” When he begins to walk and stands with one hand against the couch, we stand two feet away and say, “Come on, come on, come on. That’s right! Walk. That’s right, walk.” The child takes half a step and falls and what do we say? We don’t say, “You dumb kid, can’t you walk?” Rather, we say, “Yea, good job!” So he gets up and tries again. Why is it that as the child gets older, our “Words of Affirmation” turn to words of condemnation? When the child is seven we walk into the room and tell him to put the toys in the toy box. Twelve toys are on the floor. We come back in five minutes and seven toys are in the box, and what do we say? “I told you to get these toys up. If you don’t get these toys up, I am going to—” What about the seven toys in the box? Why don’t we say, “Yea, Johnny, you put seven toys in the box. That’s great.” The other five would probably jump into the box! As the child gets older, we tend to condemn him for his failures rather than commend him for his successes. To a child whose primary love language is “Words of Affirmation,” our negative, critical, demeaning words strike terror to her psyche. Hundreds of thirty-five-year-old adults still hear words of condemnation spoken twenty years ago ringing in their ears: “You’re too fat; nobody will ever date you.” “You’re not a student. You may as well drop out of

school.” “I can’t believe you are so dumb.” “You are irresponsible and will never amount to anything.” Adults struggle with self-esteem and feel unloved all their lives when their primary love language is violated in such a detrimental manner. Q TUALITY IME Quality time means giving a child undivided attention. For the small child, it means sitting on the floor and rolling a ball back and forth with him. We are talking about playing with cars or dolls. We are talking about playing in the sandbox and building castles, getting into his world, doing things with him. You may be into computers as an adult, but your child lives in a child’s world. You must get down on the child’s level if you eventually want to lead him to the adult world. As the child gets older and develops new interests, you must enter into those interests if you want to meet his needs. If he is into basketball, get interested in basketball, spend time playing basketball with him, take him to basketball games. If he is into piano, perhaps you could take a piano lesson or at least listen with undivided attention for part of his practice period. Giving a child your undivided attention says that you care, that he is important to you, that you enjoy being with him. Many adults, looking back on childhood, do not

remember much of what their parents said, but they do remember what their parents did. One adult said, “I remember that my father never missed my high school games. I knew he was interested in what I was doing.” For that adult, “Quality Time” was an extremely important communicator of love. If “Quality Time” is the primary love language of your child and you speak that language, chances are he will allow you to spend quality time with him even through the adolescent years. If you do not give him quality time in the younger years, he will likely seek the attention of peers during the adolescent years and turn away from parents who may at that time desperately desire more time with their children. R GECEIVINGIFTS Many parents and grandparents speak the language of gifts excessively. In fact, when one visits toy stores, one wonders if parents believe that is the only language of love. If parents have the money, they tend to buy many gifts for their children. Some parents believe that that is the best way to show love. Some parents try to do for their children what their parents were unable to do for them. They buy things that they wish they had had as a child. But unless that is the primary love language of the child, gifts may mean little emotionally to the child. The parent has good intentions, but he/she is not meeting the emotional needs of

the child by giving gifts. If the gifts you give are quickly laid aside, if the child seldom says “thank you,” if the child does not take care of the gifts that you have given, if she does not prize those gifts, chances are “Receiving Gifts” is not her primary love language. If, on the other hand, your child responds to you with much thanksgiving, if she shows others the gift and tells others how wonderful you are for buying the gift, if she takes care of the gift, if she puts it in a place of prominence in her room and keeps it polished, if she plays with it often over an extended period of time, then perhaps “Receiving Gifts” is her primary love language. What if you have a child for whom “Receiving Gifts” is his or her primary love language but you cannot afford many gifts? Remember, it’s not the quality or cost of the gift; it is the “thought that counts.” Many gifts can be handmade, and sometimes the child appreciates that gift more than an expensive, manufactured gift. In fact, younger children will often play with a box more than the toy that came in it. You can also find discarded toys and refinish them. The process of refinishing can become a project for both parent and child. You need not have lots of money in order to provide gifts for your children. A SCTS OF ERVICE When children are small, parents are continually doing

“Acts of Service” for them. If they did not, the child would die. Bathing, feeding, and dressing all require a great deal of work in the first few years of a child’s life. Then comes cooking, washing, and ironing. Then comes packing lunches, running a taxi service, and helping with homework. Such things are taken for granted by many children, but for other children those things communicate love. Observe your children. Watch howthey express love to others. That is a clue to their love language. If your child is often expressing appreciation for ordinary acts of service, that is a clue that they are emotionally important to him or her. Your acts of service are communicating love in a meaningful way. When you help him with a science project, it means more than a good grade. It means “My parent loves me.” When you fix a bicycle, you do more than get him back on wheels. You send him away with a full tank. If your child consistently offers to help you with your work projects, it probably means that in his mind that is a way of expressing love, and “Acts of Service” likely is his primary love language. P THYSICAL OUCH We have long known that “Physical Touch” is an

emotional communicator to children. Research has shown that babies who are handled often develop better emotionally than babies who are not. Naturally many parents and other adults pick up an infant, hold it, cuddle it, kiss it, squeeze it, and speak silly words to it. Long before the child understands the meaning of the word love, she feels loved. Hugging, kissing, patting, holding hands are all ways of communicating love to a child. The hugging and kissing of a teenager will differ from the hugging and kissing of an infant. Your teenager may not appreciate such behavior in the presence of peers, but that doesn’t mean that he does not want to be touched, especially if it is his primary love language. If your teenager is regularly coming up behind you and grabbing your arms, lightly pushing you, grabbing you by the ankle when you walk through the room, tripping you, those are all indications that “Physical Touch” is important to him. Observe your children. Watch how they express love to others. That is a clue to their love language. Take note of the things they request of you. Many times, their request will be in keeping with their own love language. Notice the things for which they are most appreciative. Those are likely indicators of their primary love language. Our daughter’s love language is “Quality Time”; thus, as she grew up, she and I often took walks together. During her high school years while she attended Salem Academy, one of the oldest girls’ academies in the country, we took

walks amid the quaint surroundings of Old Salem. The Moravians have restored the village, which is more than two hundred years old. Walking the cobblestone streets takes one back to a simpler time. Strolling through the ancient cemetery gives one a sense of reality about life and death. In those years, we walked three afternoons a week and had long discussions in that austere setting. She is a medical doctor now, but when she comes home, she almost always says, “Want to take a walk, Dad?” I have never refused her invitation. My son would never walk with me. He said, “Walking’s dumb! You’re not going anywhere. If you’re going somewhere, drive.” “Quality Time” was not his primary love language. As parents, we often try to pour all of our children into the same mold. We go to parenting conferences or read books on parenting, get some wonderful ideas, and want to go home and practice with each child. The problem is that each child is different, and what communicates love to one child may not communicate love to another. Forcing a child to take a walk with you so that you can spend quality time together will not communicate love. We must learn to speak our children’s language if we want them to feel loved. I believe that most parents sincerely love their children. I also believe that thousands of parents have failed to