E-Book_5 Love Language - Gary Chapman

communicate love in the proper language and thousands of children in this country are living with an empty emotional tank. I believe that most misbehavior in children and teenagers can be traced to empty love tanks. It is never too late to express love. If you have older children and realize that you have been speaking the wrong love language, why not tell them? “You know, I have been reading a book on how to express love, and I realize that I have not been expressing my love to you in the best way through the years. I have tried to show you my love by _______, but I’m now realizing that that probably has not communicated love to you, that your love language is probably something different. I am beginning to think that your love language is probably _______. You know, I really do love you, and I hope that in the future I can express it to you in better ways.” You might even want to explain the five love languages to them and discuss your love language as well as theirs. Perhaps you do not feel loved by your older children. If they are old enough to understand the concept of love languages, your discussion may open their eyes. You may be surprised at their willingness to start speaking your love language and, if they do, you might be surprised at the way your feelings and attitudes toward them begin to change. When family members start speaking each other’s primary love language, the emotional climate of a family is greatly enhanced.





chapter fourteen

A P WERSONALORD In chapter 2, I warned the reader that “understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior.” Now I ask, “What do you think?” Having read these pages, walked in and out of the lives of several couples, visited small villages and large cities, sat with me in the counseling office, and talked with people in restaurants, what do you think? Could these concepts radically alter the emotional climate of your marriage? What would happen if you discovered the primary love language of your spouse and chose to speak it consistently? Neither you nor I can answer that question until you have tried it. I know that many couples who have heard this concept at my marriage seminars say that choosing to love and expressing it in the primary love language of their spouse has made a drastic difference in their marriage. When the emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a much more productive manner. We each come to marriage with a different personality and history. We bring emotional baggage into our marriage

relationship. We come with different expectations, different ways of approaching things, and different opinions about what matters in life. In a healthy marriage, that variety of perspectives must be processed. We need not agree on everything, but we must find a way to handle our differences so that they do not become divisive. With empty love tanks, couples tend to argue and withdraw, and some may tend to be violent verbally or physically in their arguments. But when the love tank is full, we create a climate of friendliness, a climate that seeks to understand, that is willing to allow differences and to negotiate problems. I am convinced that no single area of marriage affects the rest of marriage as much as meeting the emotional need for love. The ability to love, especially when your spouse is not loving you, may seem impossible for some. Such love may require us to draw upon our spiritual resources. A number of years ago, as I faced my own marital struggles, I rediscovered my need for God. As an anthropologist, I had been trained to examine data. I decided to personally excavate the roots of the Christian faith. Examining the historical accounts of Christ’s birth, life, death, and resurrection, I came to view His death as an expression of love and His resurrection as profound evidence of His power. I became a true “believer.” I committed my life to Him and have found that He provides the inner spiritual energy to love, even when love is not reciprocated. I would encourage you to make your own investigation of the one whom, as He died, prayed for those who killed Him:

“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” That is love’s ultimate expression. The high divorce rate in our country bears witness that thousands of married couples have been living with an empty emotional love tank. The growing number of adolescents who run away from home and clash with the law indicates that many parents who may have sincerely tried to express love to their children have been speaking the wrong love language. I believe that the concepts in this book could make an impact upon the marriages and families of our country. I have not written this book as an academic treatise to be stored in the libraries of colleges and universities, although I hope that professors of sociology and psychology will find it helpful in courses on marriage and family life. I have written not to those who are studying marriage but to those who are married, to those who have experienced the “in love” euphoria, who entered marriage with lofty dreams of making each other supremely happy but in the reality of day-to-day life are in danger of losing that dream entirely. It is my hope that thousands of those couples will not only rediscover their dream but will see the path to making their dreams come true. I dream of a day when the potential of the married couples in this country can be unleashed for the good of humankind, when husbands and wives can live life with full emotional love tanks and reach out to accomplish their potential as individuals and as couples. I dream of a day

when children can grow up in homes filled with love and security, where children’s developing energies can be channeled to learning and serving rather than seeking the love they did not receive at home. It is my desire that this brief volume will kindle the flame of love in your marriage and in the marriages of thousands of other couples like you. If it were possible, I would hand this book personally to every married couple in this country and say, “I wrote this for you. I hope it changes your life. And if it does, be sure to give it to someone else.” Since I cannot do that, I would be pleased if you would give a copy of this book to your family, to your brothers and sisters, to your married children, to your employees, to those in your civic club or church or synagogue. Who knows, together we may see our dream come true.

For a free on-line study guide please visit: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com The study guide was designed to take the concepts from The Five Love Languages book and teach you how to apply them to your life in a practical way. There is one page of study notes per chapter. For couple or group studies and discussion groups.

The Five Love Languages P HROFILE FOR USBANDS You may think you already know your primary love language. Then again, you may have no clue. The Five Love Languages Profile will help you know for certain which love language is yours—Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch. The profile consists of 30 pairs of statements. You can only pick one statement in each pair as the one that best represents your desire. Read each pair of statements, and then, in the right-hand column, circle the letter that matches up with the statement you choose. It may be tough at times to decide between two statements, but you should only choose one per pair to ensure the most accurate profile results. Allow at least 15 to 30 minutes to complete the profile. Take it when you are relaxed, and try not to rush through it. Once you’ve made your selections, go back and count the number of times you circled each individual letter. You can list the results in the appropriate spaces at the end of the profile.









I U Y P SNTERPRETING AND SING OUR ROFILE CORE Your primary love language is the one that received the highest score. You are “bilingual” and have two primary love languages if point totals are equal for any two love languages. If your second highest scoring love language is close in score but not equal to your primary love language, then this simply means that both expressions of love are important to you. The highest possible score for any one love language is 12. You may have scored certain ones of the love languages more highly than others, but do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your wife may express love in those ways, and it will be helpful to you to understand this about her. In the same way, it will benefit your wife to know your love language and express her affection for you in ways that you interpret as love. Every time you or your wife speak each other’s language, you score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn’t a game with a scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is a greater sense of connection. This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance. If your wife has not already done so, encourage her to take The Five Love Languages Profile for Wives, which is

available on page 199. Discuss your respective love languages, and use this insight to improve your marriage!

The Five Love Languages P WROFILE FOR IVES Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch? Which of these is your primary love language? The following profile will help you know for sure. Then you and your husband can discuss your respective love languages and use this information to improve your marriage! The profile consists of 30 pairs of statements. You can only pick one statement in each pair as the one that best represents your desire. Read each pair of statements, and then, in the right-hand column, circle the letter that matches up with the statement you choose. It may be tough at times to decide between two statements, but you should only choose one per pair to ensure the most accurate profile results. Once you’ve finished making your selections, go back and count the number of times you circled each individual letter. List the results in the appropriate spaces at the end of the profile. Your primary love language is the one that receives the most points.







I U Y P SNTERPRETING AND SING OUR ROFILE CORE Your primary love language is the one that received the highest score. You are “bilingual” and have two primary love languages if point totals are equal for any two love languages. If your second highest scoring love language is close in score but not equal to your primary love language, then this simply means that both expressions of love are important to you. The highest possible score for any one love language is 12. You may have scored certain ones of the love languages more highly than others, but do not dismiss those other languages as insignificant. Your husband may express love in those ways, and it will be helpful to you to understand this about him. In the same way, it will benefit your husband to know your love language and express his affection for you in ways that you interpret as love. Every time you or your husband speak each other’s language, you score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn’t a game with a scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is a greater sense of connection. This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance.

Table of Contents Acknowledgments 1. What Happens to Love After the Wedding? 2. Keeping the Love Tank Full 3. Falling in Love 4. Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation 5. Love Language #2: Quality Time 6. Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts 7. Love Language #4: Acts of Service 8. Love Language #5: Physical Touch 9. Discovering Your Primary Love Language 10. Love Is a Choice 11. Love Makes the Difference 12. Loving the Unlovely 13. Children and Love Languages 14. A Personal Word The Five Love Languages Profile for Husbands The Five Love Languages Profile for Wives