Looking for Alaska

We grabbed Takumi and walkeddown to the lake, hiding behind a fewtrees, laughing. The Colonel blew smokerings, and Takumi called them\"pretentious,\" while Alaska followed thesmoke rings with her fingers, stabbing atthem like a kid trying to pop bubbles. And then we heard a branch break. Itmight have been a deer, but the Colonelbusted out anyway. A voice directlybehind us said, \"Don't run, Chipper,\" andthe Colonel stopped, turned around, andreturned to us sheepishly. The Eagle walked toward us slowly,his lips pursed in disgust. He wore awhite shirt and a black tie, like always. He gave each of us in turn the Lookof Doom.

\"Y'all smell like a North Carolinatobacco field in a wildfire,\" he said. We stood silent. I feltdisproportionately terrible, like I hadjust been caught fleeing the scene of amurder. Would he call my parents? \"I'll see you in Jury tomorrow atfive,\" he announced, and then walkedaway. Alaska crouched down, picked upthe cigarette she had thrown away, andstarted smoking again. The Eaglewheeled around, his sixth sensedetecting Insubordination To AuthorityFigures. Alaska dropped the cigaretteand stepped on it. The Eagle shook hishead, and even though he must have beencrazy mad, I swear to God he smiled.

\"He loves me,\" Alaska told me aswe walked back to the dorm circle. \"Heloves all y'all, too. He just loves theschool more. That's the thing. He thinksbusting us is good for the school andgood for us. It's the eternal struggle,Pudge. The Good versus the Naughty.\" \"You're awfully philosophical for agirl that just got busted,\" I told her. \"Sometimes you lose a battle. Butmischief always wins the war.\" ninety-eight days before One of the unique things aboutCulver Creek was the Jury. Every

semester, the faculty elected twelvestudents, three from each class, to serveon the Jury. The Jury meted outpunishment for non expellable offenses,for everything from staying out pastcurfew to smoking. Usually, it wassmoking or being in a girl's room afterseven. So you went to the Jury, you madeyour case, and they punished you. TheEagle served as the judge, and he had theright to overturn the Jury's verdict (justlike in the real American court system),but he almost never did. I made my way to Classroom 4 rightafter my last class — forty minutesearly, just to be safe. I sat in the hallwith my back against the wall and read

my American history textbook (kind ofremedial reading for me, to be honest)until Alaska showed up and sat downnext to me. She was chewing on herbottom lip, and I asked whether she wasnervous. \"Well, yeah. Listen, just sit tight anddon't talk,\" she told me. \"You don't need to be nervous. Butthis is the seventh time I've been caughtsmoking. I just don't want — whatever. I don't want to upset my dad.\" \"Does your mom smoke orsomething?\" I asked. \"Not anymore,\" Alaska said. \"It'sfine. You'll be fine.\" I didn't start to worry until it got tobe 4:50 and the Colonel and Takumi

were still unaccounted for. The membersof the Jury filed in one by one, walkingpast us without any eye contact, whichmade me feel worse. I counted alltwelve by 4:56, plus the Eagle. At 4:58, the Colonel and Takumirounded the corner toward theclassrooms. I never saw anything like it. Takumiwore a starched white shirt with a redtie with a black paisley print; theColonel wore his wrinkled pink button-down and flamingo tie. They walked instep, heads up and shoulders back, likesome kind of action-movie heroes. I heard Alaska sigh. \"The Colonel'sdoing his Napoleon walk.\" \"It's all good,\" the Colonel told me.

\"Just don't say anything.\" We walked in— two of us wearingties, and two of us wearing ratty T-shirts— and the Eagle banged an honest-to-God gavel against the podium in front ofhim. The Jury sat in a line behind arectangular table. At the front of theroom, by the blackboard, were fourchairs. We sat down, and the Colonelexplained exactly what happened. \"Alaska and I were smoking downby the lake. We usually go off campus,but we forgot. We're sorry. It won'thappen again.\" I didn't know what was going on. ButI knew my job: sit tight and shut up. Oneof the kids looked at Takumi and asked,\"What about you and Halter?\"

\"We were keeping them company,\"Takumi said calmly. The kid turned to the Eagle then andasked, \"Did you see anyone smoking?\" \"I only saw Alaska, but Chip ranaway, which struck me as cowardly, asdoes Miles and Takumi's aw-shucksroutine,\" the Eagle said, giving me theLook of Doom. I didn't want to lookguilty, but I couldn't hold his stare, so Ijust looked down at my hands. The Colonel gritted his teeth, like itpained him to lie. \"It is the truth, sir.\" The Eagle asked if any of us wantedto say anything, and then asked if therewere any more questions, and then sentus outside. \"What the hell was that?\" I asked

Takumi when we got outside. \"Just sit tight, Pudge.\" Why have Alaska confess whenshe'd already been in trouble so manytimes? Why the Colonel, who literallycouldn't afford to get in serious trouble?Why not me? I'd never been busted foranything. I had the least to lose. After a couple minutes, the Eaglecame out and motioned for us to comeback inside. \"Alaska and Chip,\" a member of theJury said, \"you get ten work hours —doing dishes in the cafeteria — andyou're both officially one problem awayfrom a phone call home. Takumi andMiles, there's nothing in the rules aboutwatching someone smoke, but the Jury

will remember your story if you breakthe rules again. Fair?\" \"Fair,\" Alaska said quickly,obviously relieved. On my way out, theEagle spun me around. \"Don't abuse yourprivileges at this school, young man, oryou will regret it.\" I nodded. eighty-nine days before \"We found you a girlfriend,\" Alaskasaid to me. Still, no one had explained tome what happened the week before withthe Jury. It didn't seem to have affectedAlaska, though, who was 1. in our roomafter dark with the door closed, and 2.

smoking a cigarette as she sat on themostly foam couch. She had stuffed atowel into the bottom of our door andinsisted it was safe, but I worried —about the cigarette and the \"girlfriend.\" \"All I have to do now,\" she said, \"isconvince you to like her and convinceher to like you.\" \"Monumental tasks,\" the Colonelpointed out. He lay on the top bunk,reading for his English class. Moby-Dick. \"How can you read and talk at thesame time?\" I asked. \"Well, I usually can't, but neither thebook nor the conversation is particularlyintellectually challenging.\" \"I like that book,\" Alaska said.

\"Yes.\" The Colonel smiled andleaned over to look at her from his topbunk. \"You would. Big white whale is ametaphor for everything. You live forpretentious metaphors.\" Alaska was unfazed. \"So, Pudge,what's your feeling on the former Sovietbloc?\" \"Urn. I'm in favor of it?\" She flicked the ashes of her cigaretteinto my pencil holder. I almostprotested, but why bother. \"You knowthat girl in our precalc class,\" Alaskasaid, \"soft voice, says thees, no t this.Know that girl?\" \"Yeah. Lara. She sat on my lap onthe way to McDonald's.\"

\"Right. I know. And she liked you.You thought she was quietly discussingprecalc, when she was clearly talkingabout having hot sex with you. Which iswhy you need me.\" \"She has great breasts,\" the Colonelsaid without looking up from the whale. \"DO NOT OBJECTIFY WOMEN'SBODIES!\" Alaska shouted. Now he looked up. \"Sorry. Perkybreasts.\" \"That's not any better!\" \"Sure it is,\" he said. \"Great is ajudgment on a woman's body. Perky ismerely an observation. They are perky. Imean, Christ.\" \"You're hopeless,\" she said. \"So shethinks you're cute, Pudge.\"

\"Nice.\" \"Doesn't mean anything. Problemwith you is that if you talk to her you'll\"uh um uh' your way to disaster.\" \"Don't be so hard on him,\" theColonel interrupted, as if he was mymom. \"God, I understand whaleanatomy. Can we move on now, Herman?\" \"So Jake is going to be inBirmingham this weekend, and we'regoing on a triple date. Well, triple and ahalf, since Takumi will be there, too.Very low pressure. You won't be able toscrew up, because I'll be there the wholetime.\" \"Okay.\" \"Who's my date?\" the Colonel asked.

\"Your girlfriend is your date.\" \"All right,\" he said, and thendeadpanned, \"but we don't get alongvery well.\" \"So Friday? Do you have plans forFriday?\" And then I laughed, because theColonel and I didn't have plans for thisFriday, or for any other Friday for therest of our lives. \"I didn't think so.\" She smiled.\"Now, we gotta go do dishes in thecafeteria, Chipper. God, the sacrifices Imake.\"

eighty-seven days before Our triple-and-a-half date started offwell enough. I was in Alaska's room —for the sake of getting me a girlfriend,she'd agreed to iron a green button-downshirt for me — when Jake showed up.With blond hair to his shoulders, darkstubble on his cheeks, and the kind offaux-ruggedness that gets you a career asa catalog model, Jake was every bit asgood-looking and you'd expect Alaska'sboyfriend to be. She jumped onto himand wrapped her legs around him (Godforbid anyone ever does that to me, Ithought. Ill fall over). I'd heard Alaska

talk about kissing, but I'd never seen herkiss until then: As he held her by herwaist, she leaned forward, her pouty lipsparted, her head just slightly tilted, andenveloped his mouth with such passionthat I felt I should look away butcouldn't. A good while later, sheuntangled herself from Jake andintroduced me. \"This is Pudge,\" she said. Jake and Ishook hands. \"I've heard a lot about ya.\" He spokewith a slight Southern accent, one of thefew I'd heard outside of McDonald's. \"Ihope your date works out tonight, 'causeI wouldn't want you stealin' Alaska outfrom under me.\"

\"God, you're so adorable,\" Alaskasaid before I could answer, kissing himagain. \"I'm sorry.\" She laughed. \"I justcan't seem to stop kissing my boyfriend.\" I put on my freshly starched greenshirt, and the three of us gathered up theColonel, Sara, Lara, and Takumi andthen walked to the gym to watch theCulver Creek Nothings take on HarsdenAcademy, a private day school inMountain Brook, Birmingham's richestsuburb. The Colonel's hatred forHarsden burned with the fire of athousand suns. \"The only thing I hatemore than rich people,\" he told me as wewalked to the gym, \"is stupid people.And all the kids at Harsden are rich, andthey're all too stupid to get into the

Creek.\" Since we were supposed to be on adate and all, I thought I'd sit next to Laraat the game, but as I tried to walk past aseated Alaska on my way to Lara,Alaska shot me a look and patted theempty spot next to her on the bleachers. \"I'm not allowed to sit next to mydate?\" I asked. \"Pudge, one of us has been a girl herwhole life. The other of us has nevergotten to second base. If I were you, I'dsit down, look cute, and be yourpleasantly aloof self.\" \"Okay. Whatever you say.\" Jake said, \"That's pretty much mystrategy for pleasing Alaska.\" \"Aww,\" she said, \"so sweet! Pudge,

did I tell you that Jake is recording analbum with his band? They're fantastic. They're like Radiohead meets theFlaming Lips. Did I tell you that I cameup with their name, Hickman Territory?\"And then, realizing she was being silly:\"Did I tell you that Jake is hung like ahorse and a beautiful, sensual lover?\" \"Baby, Jesus.\" Jake smiled. \"Not infront of the kids.\" I wanted to hate Jake, of course, butas I watched them together, smiling andfumbling all over each other, I didn'thate him. I wanted to be him, sure, but Itried to remember I was ostensibly on adate with someone else. Harsden Academy's star player wasa six-foot-seven Goliath named Travis

Eastman that everyone — even hismother, I suspect — called the Beast.The first time the Beast got to the free-throw line, the Colonel could not keephimself from swearing while he taunted:\"You owe everything to your daddy, youstupid redneck bastard.\" The Beast turned around and glared,and the Colonel almost got kicked outafter the first free throw, but he smiled atthe ref and said, \"Sorry!\" \"I want to stay around for a goodpart of this one,\" he said to me. At the start of the second half, withthe Creek down by a surprisingly slimmargin of twenty-four points and theBeast at the foul line, the Colonel lookedat Takumi and said, \"It's time.\" Takumi

and the Colonel stood up as the crowdwent, \"Shhh…\" \"I don't know if this is the best timeto tell you this,\" the Colonel shouted atthe Beast, \"but Takumi here hooked upwith your girlfriend just before thegame.\" That made everyone laugh — exceptthe Beast, who turned from the freethrow line and walked calmly, with theball, toward us. \"I think we run now,\" Takumi said. \"I haven't gotten kicked out,\" theColonel answered. \"Later,\" Takumi said. I don't know whether it was thegeneral anxiety of being on a date (albeit

one with my would-be date sitting fivepeople away from me) or the specificanxiety of having the Beast stare in mydirection, but for some reason, I took offrunning after Takumi. I thought we werein the clear as we began to round thecorner of the bleachers, but then I saw,out of the corner of my eye, a cylindricalorange object getting bigger and bigger,like a fast-approaching sun. I thought: I think that is going to hitme. I thought: J should duck. But in the time between whensomething gets thought and when it getsdone, the ball hit me square across theside of the face. I fell, the back of myhead slamming against the gym floor. I

then stood up immediately, as if unhurt,and left the gym. Pride had gotten me off the floor ofthe gym, but as soon as I was outside, Isat down. \"I am concussed,\" I announced,entirely sure of my self-diagnosis. \"You're fine,\" Takumi said as hejogged back toward me. \"Let's get out ofhere before we're killed.\" \"I'm sorry,\" I said. \"But I can't getup. I have suffered a mild concussion.\" Lara ran out and sat down next tome. \"Are you okay?\" \"I am concussed,\" I said. Takumi sat down with me andlooked me in the eye. \"Do you know

what happened to you?\" \"The Beast got me.\" \"Do you know where you are?\" \"I'm on a triple-and-a-half date.\" \"You're fine,\" Takumi said. \"Let'sgo.\" And then I leaned forward and threwup onto Lara's pants. I can't say why Ididn't lean backward or to the side. Ileaned forward and aimed my mouthtoward her jeans — a nice, butt-flattering pair of jeans, the kind of pantsa girl wears when she wants to look nicebut not look like she is trying to looknice — and I threw up all over them. Mostly peanut butter, but also clearlysome corn. \"Oh!\" she said, surprised and