New Daddy Handbook

You knocked her up—now what ? Cliff notes for a soon to be dad on what to expect. The tears,cheers, pain, love, worries, fear and a couple tips and tricks you won’t find anyone talking about or written anywhere.Written by; Howie lrev Jan 2010



I. Gestation -The first nine months of the rest of your life -Mood swings - raging hormones are a bitch - she probably isn’t -Body changes - some are permanent - some aren’t -Pay attention - or there will be hell to pay -Nesting - get the hell out of the way -Prepare - Getting some things ready will save your ass laterII. Labor and Delivery -Ready - get set - your life is about to change forever -False Labor - Braxton Hicks - they suck and probably hurt like hell Help her get through them. -Labor - The big show - Stay strong, steady and conscious -Delivery - it ain’t pretty, and some weird shit is gonna happen but you will make it. -IT’S A ________!! - Cut the cord and welcome that little life into your heart -HOLD ON! It ain’t over yet! - Gross shit you need to know about -Whew! All three of you made it. - Let her rest, you start your workIII. The little bundle of . . . . . . Joy ?! -Let the documentation begin! - Lights, camera - overkill is ok -Stay way involved - elbow deep in shitty diapers means a great dad -First words, first steps - They happen when they do, don’t worry about itIV. The not so little bundle of . . . Joy ?! -Slow it down - how fast the years will fly if you don’t slow it down -Moms comfort, Dads a Hero, until - The simple times won’t last forever and you suddenly become the biggest dick on the planet.V. Home for the holidays -Do they come home for Xmas - the measurement of successful parenting

GestationMood Swings - raging hormones are a bitch - she probably isn’t Your old lady’s body is going through many changes and her body uses hormones to make those changes. Plainly said,hormones are a bitch. We see this with our girls during ‘that time’ of the month, but this pales in comparison to what youare about to witness. The mood swings aren’t always rage and anger. You could see crying, depression, listlessness (lazy) and plain old sad-ness. This is all part of what is going on. Here are some easy steps to bear through this: 1– Don’t take any of it to heart. Let this shit slide right off your back. 2– Be attentive to it just enough to help her, but then just forget it. Bringing it up again, EVER, could cause immediate castration. 3-Hold her when she wants you to. Stay away from her when she wants you to. Or.. Hold her when she doesn’t want you too, and stay away when she wants you to hold her. You have to read her. All women are different and yours is no exception.Body changes - some are permanent - some aren’t Ok, she is gaining weight, everywhere. It is normal. You’ve seen it before. A steadfast rule here is, even if she is com-menting on how fat her ass is - shut the f*ck up. She is really reaching out for reassurance from you. Redirect her tosomething positive like;“<insert loving pet name here>, to me, the way you feel when I hold you couldn’t be anymore beautiful.” Give her ashort heart felt hug and/or kiss and exit the area! Stretch Marks are going to happen. Some are going to look pretty nasty during this event. But, some will fade andthose that don’t won’t look so bad after time. They happen, some stay, don’t worry about them..ever. Oh, them Titties. This is sad news for most men, but I have to set your expectations. Those funbags are going to grow(YA!). After birth, they are going to get gigantic(Hell YA!). BUT! What the titty fairy giveth, the titty fairy taketh away,plus some. Be prepared! With luck, after your old lady stabilizes her weight, they might get close to what they were. Justdon’t be disappointed if they aren’t. They will always be tits and tits are good.

GestationPay attention - or there will be hell to pay It sounds easy and maybe you think you are paying attention, but try harder! If she looks uncomfortable sitting, offer apillow for her back, or even a back massage.*TIP* Back massages will pay dividends to both her comfort and her appreciation to you. Focus on the lowerback and inch or so above her crack. Double fisted as hard as she can take it, moving in circles. *TIP*Keep a watchful eye and do or fix all of those hundred little things she isn’t capable of or is struggling to do. Gettingout of bed, getting in and out of the car, sitting, standing, peeing every ten seconds - help her with all of that before shenotices she needs the help. It may sound hard, but you’ll get the rhythm. Don’t forget those cravings. Once you find what it is, get a lot of it and keep it at hand or you will be making runs to 7-11 at 2am getting it. I know this all sounds subservient, but this is what men do and starts getting us ready to not only be fathers, but kickass fathers. You aren’t only taking care of your old lady, you are taking care of your kid. Taking care of your kid issomething you will be craving to do for the most part of the rest of your life.Nesting - get the hell out of the way I didn’t believe it at first, and your old lady will probably deny it at first, but she is going to nest. I know it soundsweird, but it happens and its really nothing. The only reason I mention it here is you need to stay out of her way whenshe is doing this. This is a mothers thing and they want to do it - themselves. Your old lady has probably already put some things together and organized some other things like buying diapers andjammies and all that crap a kid needs. But what will happen, and it will be subtle at first to you, she’ll spend a lot oftime where the kid is going to sleep and be changed just fluffing and ‘mommyizing’ the area. She’ll spend a few daysdoing this. This normally means her body is telling her the big show is very close. When she is nesting, let her. Hover at a distance. Help, at her request, to move something or get something out of abox or whatever she can’t do, but then exit and hover some more. This is something she has to do and we men don’tnest.One more thing, DON’T F*CK WITH THE NEST. When she's done leave it be. Ever watch animal planet or discov-ery and see what happens when anything messes with a mothers nest. It will happen to you. No need loosing an eye or atesticle over something like this.

GestationPrepare - Getting some things ready will save your ass later This is all preparation for the big show - Labor and Delivery. -Pack two bags for the trip to the hospital. Your old lady will probably do the normal bag, diapers, wear home clothes and all the normal baby toiletries. Pack a sur vival bag. In this bag pack some snacks and drinks for both her and you. The big show varies in length for labor and deliv ery for everyone. You could be there for many hours or not. You will not want to be leaving her side during any of this. -Snack to sustain you in case you miss a meal or two -Electrolyte replenishing drinks ie Gatorade -Camera - Fresh batteries and empty SD Card -Change of clothes, comfortable shoes -Cash for Vending if you forgot something. -Cell phone charger -Install car seat. It is close enough and it is going to be there for quite a long time, just go ahead and strap that car seat in and be done with it. -Phone numbers and call lists Have ready all the people you want to call before and after the big show. A lot will be happening around you during all of this and you will forget someone. Write it down, mark it in your cell phone. If it is a list pack it in your survival bag. You don’t need her pissed cause you forgot to call her mom right away. -Know your route to the hospital Sounds too simple, but things get tense and you don’t want to take a wrong turn. Know the route, drive the route put it in your GPS. -Talk about the big show with your old lady - every detail. Todays LDRP (Labor, Deliver, Recovery, Post Partum) rooms and hospitals allow more than just the fathers in the room, if you both should choose. Make sure you discuss this and agree far ahead of time so there aren’t arguments or hurt feelings on the big day. Discuss and agree on anesthesia. Know what your old lady wants to do. All natural or spinal or whatever other options there. Call the hospital and talk to an anesthesiologist if you don’t know what all the options are. Don’t quickly dismiss natural child birth. Do research - discuss and agree.

Labor and DeliveryFalse Labor - Braxton Hicks - they suck and probably hurt like hell. Braxton/Hicks - or false labor is a bitch. They can get you all excited only to send you and your old lady home, tiredand maybe even pissed off. Especially during the last three months of pregnancy, the uterus starts working itself out andstarts contracting. They don’t last long and are sporadic. No worries. Braxton/Hicks start getting painful and may get everyone excited - RELAX! And keep her relaxed. If your old lady isgetting uncomfortable never, and I mean never be afraid to call her doctor and just follow his advice.Labor - The big show - Stay strong, steady and consciousAbnormal spotting, water breaking , consistent contraction or Doctors advice, you are going to end up at the hospital ina labor and delivery room.First rule for you: Keep calm, keep her calm and BREATHE - both of you. You don’t want to find yourself in need ofcare from passing out because you forgot to breathe.These are the things you need to know about this whole process:First, everyone is going to have their hands and fingers in your old ladies cooch. Damn near everyone that walks in therewill lube and feel. This is what all these feelers are looking for:-Station: The position of your kid as he enters the birth canal. (-4 which is just coming into the pelvis to +4 station which is on the perineum or ready to be born.-Dilation: This is how big the opening of the cervix is getting as your kid moves into birthing position. They are looking for her cervix to open to at least ten (10) centimeters. Just a little over three fingers held together.-Effacement: This is the thinning of the opening of the cervix. What they are looking for a percentage of effacement,100% effacement means its ready to go.-Her Water or bag: If her water hasn’t broken yet and your old lady is in labor these are the things they may be discuss-ing or doing about that: -Bulging bag. This means your kid is moving into position, the amniotic sack hasn’t ruptured yet, and is bulgingthrough your old lady's cervix. This only means things are progressing all is cool.-They may break her water: A lot of the time they will just let her water break on its own. To get the show moving theDoctor may order to the nurse to break her water. This involves a rather long, knitting needle looking thing to be insertedinto your old lady to break the amniotic membrane. Once that membrane is ruptured, it will let your kid moveeven further down the birth canal and it is almost time.

Labor and DeliveryDelivery - it ain’t pretty, and some weird shit is gonna happen but you will make it !! So here you will be, all systems are green and we are a go. There will be three to four nurses getting everything readyand tending the wires and monitors hooked up to your old lady. The Doctor will be there and maybe an intern or two. Itstarts getting crowded and a lot is going to be moving on and going on, stay focused on her. Be the conduit between allthose people and her so she only has to pay attention to you. And don’t forget to BREATHE.When a nurse or a Doctor needs her to move, push, not push - whatever it is, calmly repeat it to her and help. This wayshe will stay with you and this will be done soon. Things may come out of your old lady that are far from attractive. There can be piss, shit, amniotic fluid, blood and awhole host of mucus and other ‘stuff’. This is all normal. One thing that the classes and books never prepared me for,was the smell. There are smells and some of these smells, you’ve never smelled before. Be prepared. One more push or two and, at least your kids head will be out, and the Doctors and Nurses will start sucking the crapout of its mouth and nose. Some kids will come right out after the head shows, some need a little coaxing to get theshoulders through. Keep relaxed and let the Doctor do his thing and soon, your kid will be right there. RememberBREATHE.IT’S A ________!! - Cut the cord and welcome that little life into your heartYou may elect or be offered to cut the cord. Don’t be offended if everyone gets too busy to stop for that, but most ofthe time you have ample time. Big tip! Cut the cord BETWEEN the clamps they have on the cord or your old ladywould bleed out. Most of the time, everything is normal and healthy. They will take your kid to a baby spa machine to keep him/herwarm as they clean it up. The kid might have guck and crap and blood on him, so be cool and watch from a far, stayingnext to your old lady - cause we ain’t done yet.HOLD ON! It ain’t over yet! - Gross shit you need to know about There are at least two more things you need to hang out for here with your old lady. Notice someone will have moveda bucket or pan near you old lady’s cooch and is still holding onto the cord, still attached to your old lady. Now is thetime for the placenta to be ‘delivered’. This giant piece of meat is what filtered and fed your kid for nine months andnow it has to come out. Most likely a nurse it going to begin pulling on the cord and massaging your old lady’s (Cont’d)

Labor and DeliveryHOLD ON! It ain’t over yet! - Gross shit you need to know about (cont’d)tummy. And someone will eventually say to your old lady, “You are going to feel a little pressure.”. That little pressure statement iscode for, they are about to hurt your girl. Be ready. After some minutes, the placenta will loosen from your old ladys uterine wall and the nurse will pull it out followed by somesweet aromatic blood and amniotic fluid. Brace yourself. They will let the rest of, whatever hells creation festered up inside yourold lady drain. Hopefully, and sometimes, your old lady didn’t need an episiotomy nor did she tear during child birth (*shudder*). If she did,both are completely normal but need to be stitched. Again here, and for some unknown reason they don’t use any numbing medi-cine, the lying assholes tell her there is going to be some more pressure, as they begin to sew her cooch back to something that re-sembles vagina. But not as you recall it. Not now. Don’t look at it . It will haunt your dreams. And don’t ask for an extra stitch, theywon’t do it, I tried.Whew! All three of you made it. - Let her rest, you start your work You might be tired. She is going to be totally wiped out and rightfully so. So here starts the rest of your life working and caring foryour family. You will play usher for visiting friends and relatives. Keep a close eye on your old lady she’ll let you know when it’s time forsomeone to go. You will be dolling out baby time to all those who visit and keeping that camera rolling and filling up the SD card to max. Re-membering to keep bringing baby back to Mom. She won’t want to be long without you’alls’ baby.DO NOT FORGET TO WRITE DOWN EVERY SPECIFICATION ABOUT YOUR BABY—YOU WILL BE QUIZZEDON THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.Name:_______________________________________________Date of Birth:__________________________________________Time of Birth:__________________________________________Weight : ______________________________________________Notes:(anything off the wall she’ll recall that you wouldn’t)__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The little bundle of . . . . . . Joy ?!Let the documentation begin! - Lights, camera - overkill is ok Take pictures. Lots of pictures. From birth till you can’t anymore. If you don’t have a video camera get one! Videos areawesome. The gurgle and sounds of you kid will steal your heart all over again.Stay way involved - elbow deep in shitty diapers means a great dad The birth of your kid is when all the bullshit macho crap has to be stowed and left to rot, when it comes to your family.Your old lady will, by nature, take charge a lot with the care of your kid, but get right in there. Stay right in there. Shortof whipping out a tit to feed the kids, there is nothing we men can not do as well, even something's, better than mom andyour kid will depend on you for that as he/she grows. And .. Almost as importantly, you will be modeling from day onehow a man should be as a father. -Only a true man has taken a direct face shot of piss of their kid -Only a true man can tolerate your kids shit, no matter the horror -Only a true man will sacrifice everything for even the smallest need of your KidFirst words, first steps - They happen when they do, don’t worry about it You will be deluged by every current parent, people that have been parented, those who may be a parent soon and, letsnot forget, those parents of ours, who will offer advice on everything to do with your kid. What to feed them, how to letthem sleep, every aspect of your kids upcoming life will have a better director of information than yourself….. At leastthat is what it will look and sound like. In reality, most are jealous of your new bundle of love in your life and they wantto experience it again through you. Take all of it with a grain of salt. There might be a tid bit or two you can use, but most of all, every kid and parent aredifferent and only you and your old lady truly know what is best. The most common advice comes in form of concern of your kids development. Everyone will have done somethingbetter and know how to get your kid to talk faster, walk faster, everything. Truth be known, every kid - even yours isdifferent and will progress as they will and for the most part they will be right on par with what they should be. So smile and nod, let those people get that crap off their chest and maybe refer back to the drivel when you feel stuckor something, but for the most part, relax and enjoy little JR there. He’ll/She’ll be just fine.Just one thing to remember, these little guys are mirrors of you and your old lady. Stay active with them and only exhib-it behavior you’d like to see them demonstrate.

The not so little bundle of . . . Joy ?!Slow it down - how fast the years will fly if you don’t slow it down The years, if not carefully attended to, will fly by at break neck speeds. Stay completely engaged in your kids life. Evenwhen you are tired, pissed off, sick .. Whatever, stay engaged with your kid. Enjoy every second. Its hard sometimes, Iknow. If you ever feel exhausted and frustrated pull out the pictures and video or just say fuck it and grab that kid up andhold him/her and never stop doing that..EVER.Moms comfort, Dads a Hero, until - The simple times won’t last forever and you suddenly become the biggestdick on the planet.Well, like I’ve mentioned a few times, everyone is different and you may experience something completely differentthan the most of us. There will come a point in your kids growing life, right around the beginning of those teenage years,where the rebellion begins and you don’t know shit and youare only trying to make their life a pain in the ass. Be pre-pared. Do some reading and don’t take any of it to heart. It will be hard, but you can do it. The true underlying feeling your kid has for you really doesn’t change, they just get confused when they realize theyare a person themselves and really don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. This is all trying to create their ownidentity and deal with all the growing, puberty and social crap they will then be faced with. Like I said, read books and stay there with them and if needed, seek professional help. Hopefully, somewhere betweenhigh school graduation and right around their 25th or 26th birthday, they’ll come around.Home for the holidaysDo they come home for Xmas - the measurement of successful parenting When it’s all said and done and you’ve got them out on their own maybe starting or raising a family of their own, theywill be busy figuring out the same stuff you had to. I think, if they can come home, or make time for the family, at leastaround the holidays…. You’ve done a good job! At least that is what I’m hanging my hat on. All said and done, congratulations on your son/daughter. I wish you all the luck and well wishes I can and welcome tothe world of being a parent!