New Daddy Handbook

You knocked her up—now what ? Cliff notes for a soon to be dad on what to expect. The tears, cheers, pain, love, worries, fear and a couple tips and tricks you won‟t find anyone talking about or written anywhere.12 Written by; Howie

The not so little bundle of . . . Joy ?! Slow it down - how fast the years will fly if you don’t slow it down The years, if not carefully attended to, will fly by at break neck speeds. Stay completely engaged in your kids life. Even when you are tired, pissed off, sick .. Whatever, stay engaged with your kid. Enjoy every second. Its hard sometimes, I know. If you ever feel exhausted and frustrated pull out the pictures and video or just say fuck it and grab that kid up and hold him/her and never stop doing that..EVER. Moms comfort, Dads a Hero, until - The simple times won’t last forever and you suddenly become the biggest dick on the planet. Well, like I‟ve mentioned a few times, everyone is different and you may experience something completely different than the most of us. There will come a point in your kids growing life, right around the beginning of those teenage years, where the rebellion be- gins and you don‟t know shit and youare only trying to make their life a pain in the ass. Be prepared. Do some reading and don‟t take any of it to heart. It will be hard, but you can do it. The true underlying feeling your kid has for you really doesn‟t change, they just get confused when they realize they are a person themselves and really don‟t have to do any- thing they don‟t want to do. This is all trying to create their own identity and deal with all the growing, puberty and social crap they will then be faced with. Like I said, read books and stay there with them and if needed, seek professional help. Hopefully, somewhere between high school graduation and right around their 25th or 26th birthday, they‟ll come around. Home for the holidays Do they come home for Xmas - the measurement of successful parenting When it‟s all said and done and you‟ve got them out on their own maybe starting or raising a family of their own, they will be busy figuring out the same stuff you had to. I think, if they can come home, or make time for the family, at least around the holi- days…. You‟ve done a good job! At least that is what I‟m hanging my hat on. All said and done, congratulations on your son/daughter. I wish you all the luck and well wishes I can and welcome to the world of being a parent!2 11

The little bundle of . . . . . . Joy ?! I. GestationLet the documentation begin! - Lights, camera - overkill is ok -The first nine months of the rest of your life -Mood swings - raging hormones are a bitch - she probably isn‟t Take pictures. Lots of pictures. From birth till you can‟t anymore. If you don‟t have a -Body changes - some are permanent - some aren‟tvideo camera get one! Videos are awesome. The gurgle and sounds of you kid will steal -Pay attention - or there will be hell to payyour heart all over again. -Nesting - get the hell out of the way -Prepare - Getting some things ready will save your ass laterStay way involved - elbow deep in shitty diapers means a great dad II. Labor and Delivery The birth of your kid is when all the bullshit macho crap has to be stowed and left torot, when it comes to your family. Your old lady will, by nature, take charge a lot with -Ready - get set - your life is about to change foreverthe care of your kid, but get right in there. Stay right in there. Short of whipping out a tit -False Labor - Braxton Hicks - they suck and probably hurt like hellto feed the kids, there is nothing we men can not do as well, even somethings, better than Help her get through them.mom and your kid will depend on you for that as he/she grows. And .. Almost as impor- -Labor - The big show - Stay strong, steady and conscioustantly, you will be modeling from day one how a man should be as a father. -Delivery - it ain‟t pretty, and some weird shit is gonna happen but you will make it. -Only a true man has taken a direct face shot of piss of their kid -IT’S A ________!! - Cut the cord and welcome that little life into -Only a true man can tolerate your kids shit, no matter the horror your heart -Only a true man will sacrifice everything for even the smallest need of your -HOLD ON! It ain’t over yet! - Gross shit you need to know about -Whew! All three of you made it. - Let her rest, you start your work Kid III. The little bundle of . . . . . . Joy ?!First words, first steps - They happen when they do, don’t worry about it -Let the documentation begin! - Lights, camera - overkill is ok You will be deluged by every current parent, people that have been parented, those who -Stay way involved - elbow deep in shitty diapers means a great dadmay be a parent soon and, lets not forget, those parents of ours, who will offer advice on -First words, first steps - They happen when they do, don‟t worryeverything to do with your kid. What to feed them, how to let them sleep, every aspectof your kids upcoming life will have a better director of information than yourself….. At about itleast that is what it will look and sound like. In reality, most are jealous of your newbundle of love in your life and they want to experience it again through you. IV. The not so little bundle of . . . Joy ?! Take all of it with a grain of salt. There might be a tid bit or two you can use, but most -Slow it down - how fast the years will fly if you don‟t slow it downof all, every kid and parent are different and only you and your old lady truly know what -Moms comfort, Dads a Hero, until - The simple times won‟t last foris best. ever and you suddenly become The most common advice comes in form of concern of your kids development. Every- the biggest dick on the planet.one will have done something better and know how to get your kid to talk faster, walkfaster, everything. Truth be known, every kid - even yours is different and will progress V. Home for the holidaysas they will and for the most part they will be right on par with what they should be. -Do they come home for Xmas - the measurement of successful So smile and nod, let those people get that crap off their chest and maybe refer back to parentingthe drivel when you feel stuck or something, but for the most part, relax and enjoy littleJR there. He‟ll/She‟ll be just fine. 3Just one thing to remember, these little guys are mirrors of you and your old lady. Stayactive with them and only exhibit behavior you‟d like to see them demonstrate. 10

Gestation Labor and DeliveryMood Swings - raging hormones are a bitch - she probably isn’t HOLD ON! It ain’t over yet! - Gross shit you need to know about (cont’d) Your old lady‟s body is going through many changes and her body uses hormones to tummy. And someone will eventually say to your old lady, “You are going to feel a littlemake those changes. Plainly said, hormones are a bitch. We see this with our girls during pressure.”. That little pressure statement is code for, they are about to hurt your girl. Be„that time‟ of the month, but this pales in comparison to what you are about to witness. ready. The mood swings aren‟t always rage and anger. You could see crying, depression, list- After some minutes, the placenta will loosen from your old ladys uterine wall and thelessness (lazy) and plain old sadness. This is all part of what is going on. Here are some nurse will pull it out followed by some sweet aromatic blood and amniotic fluid. Braceeasy steps to bear through this: yourself. They will let the rest of, whatever hells creation festered up inside your old lady drain. 1– Don‟t take any of it to heart. Let this shit slide right off your back. Hopefully, and sometimes, your old lady didn‟t need an episiotomy nor did she tear 2– Be attentive to it just enough to help her, but then just forget it. during child birth (*shudder*). If she did, both are completely normal but need to be Bringing it up again, EVER, could cause immediate castration. stitched. Again here, and for some unknown reason they don‟t use any numbing medi- cine, the lying assholes tell her there is going to be some more pressure, as they begin to 3-Hold her when she wants you to. Stay away from her when she sew her cooch back to something that resembles vagina. But not as you recall it. Not wants you to. Or.. Hold her when she doesn‟t want you too, and stay now. Don‟t look at it . It will haunt your dreams. And don‟t ask for an extra stitch, they away when she wants you to hold her. You have to read her. All won‟t do it, I tried. women are different and yours is no exception. Whew! All three of you made it. - Let her rest, you start your workBody changes - some are permanent - some aren’t You might be tired. She is going to be totally wiped out and rightfully so. So here starts Ok, she is gaining weight, everywhere. It is normal. You‟ve seen it before. A steadfast the rest of your life working and caring for your family.rule here is, even if she is commenting on how fat her ass is - shut the f*ck up. She isreally reaching out for reassurance from you. Redirect her to something positive like; You will play usher for visiting friends and relatives. Keep a close eye on your old lady she‟ll let you know when it‟s time for someone to go.“<insert loving pet name here>, to me, the way you feel when I hold you couldn’t beanymore beautiful.” Give her a short heart felt hug and/or kiss and exit the area! You will be dolling out baby time to all those who visit and keeping that camera rolling and filling up the SD card to max. Remembering to keep bringing baby back to Mom. Stretch Marks are going to happen. Some are going to look pretty nasty during this She won‟t want to be long without you‟alls‟ baby.event. But, some will fade and those that don‟t won‟t look so bad after time. They hap- DO NOT FORGET TO WRITE DOWN EVERY SPECIFICATION ABOUTpen, some stay, don‟t worry about them..ever. YOUR BABY—YOU WILL BE QUIZZED ON THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Oh, them Titties. This is sad news for most men, but I have to set your expectations.Those funbags are going to grow (YA!). After birth, they are going to get gigantic(Hell Name:_______________________________________________YA!). BUT! What the titty fairy giveth, the titty fairy taketh away, plus some. Be pre-pared! With luck, after your old lady stabilizes her weight, they might get close to what Date of Birth:__________________________________________they were. Just don‟t be disappointed if they aren‟t. They will always be tits and tits aregood. Time of Birth:__________________________________________Her body has gone through many changes and some changes hold a toll. It‟s all good! Weight : ______________________________________________ 4 Notes:(anything off the wall she‟ll recall that you wouldn‟t) _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ 9

Labor and Delivery GestationDelivery - it ain’t pretty, and some weird shit is gonna happen but you will make Pay attention - or there will be hell to pay It It sounds easy and maybe you think you are paying attention, but try harder! If she looks uncomfortable sitting, offer a pillow for her back, or even a back massage. So here you will be, all systems are green and we are a go. There will be three to fournurses getting everything ready and tending the wires and monitors hooked up to your *TIP* Back massages will pay dividends to both her comfort and her appreciationold lady. The Doctor will be there and maybe an intern or two. It starts getting crowded to you. Focus on the lower back and inch or so above her crack. Double fisted asand a lot is going to be moving on and going on, stay focused on her. Be the conduit hard as she can take it, moving in circles. *TIP*between all those people and her so she only has to pay attention to you. And don‟t for-get to BREATHE. Keep a watchful eye and do or fix all of those hundred little things she isn‟t capable ofWhen a nurse or a Doctor needs her to move, push, not push - whatever it is, calmly or is struggling to do. Getting out of bed, getting in and out of the car, sitting, standing,repeat it to her and help. This way she will stay with you and this will be done soon. peeing every ten seconds - help her with all of that before she notices she needs the help. It may sound hard, but you‟ll get the rhythm. Things may come out of your old lady that are far from attractive. There can be piss,shit, amniotic fluid, blood and a whole host of mucus and other „stuff‟. This is all nor- Don‟t forget those cravings. Once you find what it is, get a lot of it and keep it at handmal. One thing that the classes and books never prepared me for, was the smell. There or you will be making runs to 7-11 at 2am getting it.are smells and some of these smells, you‟ve never smelled before. Be prepared. I know this all sounds subservient, but this is what men do and starts getting us ready One more push or two and, at least your kids head will be out, and the Doctors and to not only be fathers, but kick ass fathers. You aren‟t only taking care of your old lady,Nurses will start sucking the crap out of its mouth and nose. Some kids will come right you are taking care of your kid. Taking care of your kid is something you will be cravingout after the head shows, some need a little coaxing to get the shoulders through. Keep to do for the most part of the rest of your life.relaxed and let the Doctor do his thing and soon, your kid will be right there. RememberBREATHE. Nesting - get the hell out of the wayIT’S A ________!! - Cut the cord and welcome that little life into your heart I didn‟t believe it at first, and your old lady will probably deny it at first, but she is go- ing to nest. I know it sounds weird, but it happens and its really nothing. The only reasonYou may elect or be offered to cut the cord. Don‟t be offended if everyone gets too busy I mention it here is you need to stay out of her way when she is doing this. This is ato stop for that, but most of the time you have ample time. Big tip! Cut the cord BE- mothers thing and they want to do it - themselves.TWEEN the clamps they have on the cord or your old lady would bleed out. Your old lady has probably already put some things together and organized some other Most of the time, everything is normal and healthy. They will take your kid to a baby things like buying diapers and jammies and all that crap a kid needs. But what will hap-spa machine to keep him/her warm as they clean it up. The kid might have guck and crap pen, and it will be subtle at first to you, she‟ll spend a lot of time where the kid is goingand blood on him, so be cool and watch from a far, staying next to your old lady - cause to sleep and be changed just fluffing and „mommyizing‟ the area. She‟ll spend a fewwe ain‟t done yet. days doing this. This normally means her body is telling her the big show is very close.HOLD ON! It ain’t over yet! - Gross shit you need to know about When she is nesting, let her. Hover at a distance. Help, at her request, to move some- thing or get something out of a box or whatever she can‟t do, but then exit and hover There are at least two more things you need to hang out for here with your old lady. some more. This is something she has to do and we men don‟t nest.Notice someone will have moved a bucket or pan near you old lady‟s cooch and is stillholding onto the cord, still attached to your old lady. Now is the time for the placenta to One more thing, DON’T F*CK WITH THE NEST. When she's done leave it be. Everbe „delivered‟. This giant piece of meat is what filtered and fed your kid for nine months watch animal planet or discovery and see what happens when anything messes with aand now it has to come out. mothers nest. It will happen to you. No need loosing an eye or a testicle over something like this. Most likely a nurse it going to begin pulling on the cord and massaging your old lady‟s 5 8

Gestation Labor and DeliveryPrepare - Getting some things ready will save your ass later False Labor - Braxton Hicks - they suck and probably hurt like hell. This is all preparation for the big show - Labor and Delivery. Braxton/Hicks - or false labor is a bitch. They can get you all excited only to send you and your old lady home, tired and maybe even pissed off. Especially during the last -Pack two bags for the trip to the hospital. three months of pregnancy, the uterus starts working itself out and starts contracting. Your old lady will probably do the normal bag, diapers, wear home clothes and They don‟t last long and are sporadic. No worries. all the normal baby toiletries. Pack a survival bag. In this bag pack some snacks and drinks for both her and you. The big show varies in length for labor Braxton/Hicks start getting painful and may get everyone excited - RELAX! And keep and delivery for everyone. You could be there for many hours or not. You will her relaxed. If your old lady is getting uncomfortable never, and I mean never be afraid not want to be leaving her side during any of this. to call her doctor and just follow his advice. -Snack to sustain you in case you miss a meal or two Labor - The big show - Stay strong, steady and conscious -Electrolyte replenishing drinks ie Gatorade -Camera - Fresh batteries and empty SD Card Abnormal spotting, water breaking , consistent contraction or Doctors advice, you are -Change of clothes, comfortable shoes going to end up at the hospital in a labor and delivery room. -Cash for Vending if you forgot something. -Cell phone charger First rule for you: Keep calm, keep her calm and BREATHE - both of you. You don‟t want to find yourself in need of care from passing out because you forgot to breathe. -Install car seat. It is close enough and it is going to be there for quite a long time, just go ahead These are the things you need to know about this whole process: and strap that car seat in and be done with it. First, everyone is going to have their hands and fingers in your old ladies cooch. Damn -Phone numbers and call lists near everyone that walks in there will lube and feel. This is what all these feelers are Have ready all the people you want to call before and after the big show. A lot looking for: will be happening around you during all of this and you will forget someone. Write it down, mark it in your cell phone. If it is a list pack it in your survival -Station: The position of your kid as he enters the birth canal. (-4 which is just coming into bag. You don‟t need her pissed cause you forgot to call her mom right away. the pelvis to +4 station which is on the perineum or ready to be born. -Know your route to the hospital Sounds too simple, but things get tense and you don‟t want to take a wrong -Dilation: This is how big the opening of the cervix is getting as your kid moves into turn. Know the route, drive the route put it in your GPS. birthing position. They are looking for her cervix to open to at least ten (10) centimeters. Just a little over three fingers held together. -Talk about the big show with your old lady - every detail. Todays LDRP (Labor, Deliver, Recovery, Post Partum) rooms and hospitals -Effacement: This is the thinning of the opening of the cervix. What they are looking allow more than just the fathers in the room, if you both should choose. Make for a percentage of effacement, 100% effacement means its ready to go. sure you discuss this and agree far ahead of time so there aren‟t arguments or -Her Water or bag: If her water hasn‟t broken yet and your old lady is in labor these hurt feelings on the big day. are the things they may be discussing or doing about that: Discuss and agree on anesthesia. Know what your old lady wants to do. All -Bulging bag. This means your kid is moving into position, the amniotic sack hasn‟t natural or spinal or whatever other options there. Call the hospital and talk to ruptured yet, and is bulging through your old lady's cervix. This only means things are an anesthesiologist if you don‟t know what all the options are. progressing all is cool. -They may break her water: A lot of the time they will just let her water break on its Don‟t quickly dismiss natural child birth. Do research - discuss and agree. own. To get the show moving the Doctor may order to the nurse to break her water. This involves a rather long, knitting needle looking thing to be inserted into your old lady to 6 break the amniotic membrane. Once that membrane is ruptured, it will let your kid move even further down the birth canal and it is almost time. 7