MASH 201TK

A Detention Production MAJESTIC ANNUAL SPUDS HANDBOOK VOL 1 NO 2 - JULY 2018 542 Natum vere numenis simus, od qui beribus siti con plautem

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`extracucrorni22cv00ue1nl8atriocnalendar am pm social monday TOUCHDOWN Opening Ceremony East vs West Check into Hotel REMDUCATION EVENT 4:30 – 6:30pm tuesday Academics Debating Other Side of the wednesday Academics Millenium RACRL WRITTEN EXAM 2:30-5pm (Subsequent drinks) Debating Over the Rainbow thursday EMC Boatracing: Sports Day Social Cascade & Pipps Cup (Rosemont Hotel) SPORTS DAY (CPC) 7pm - Late (Fucking love SPORTS DAY) 4:30pm – 6:30pm friday Academics Debating The Other Side of the RACRL VIVA RACRL VIVA Wall for those who pass the for those who pass the written exam written exam saturday Academics EMC GALA BALL DEBATING GRAND FINAL GRAND FINAL 12:30pm 11:15am Closing Ceremony 2:15pm

foreword 2017 Thinking back to yesteryear it was a glorious time. Despite my final barrier exams for medical school looming it was one of the better years out there. A certain week in July was particularly (im)memorable with widespread shenanigans, debauchery (of the united variety) being perpetuated through our wonderful community as we gathered in Sydney. Friends were made, looseness was had, written and viva exams were sat for a drinking game of all things and of course the ancient intercollegiate boat races of CPC were vailliantly rowed. Of course after such a incredible week the physical and mental reaction to returning to Medical School life was predictably negative. Coughs, colds, pneumonias and other infecitons our immunocompetency would normally fight off ravaged our national population in the aftermath and the mood of our demographic was notably low. However as with all friendships forged in such a firey crucible many of us stayed in contact, keeping in touch, flying to each others cities and maintaining ties. Fortunately unlike the pervious decade there are now interim gatherings of our community to sustain us in the year long break from our most attended event. Summervention was yet again a great success, reuiniting many of our number in the rainy locale of Echuca, enabling us to once again party into the early hours of the morning in the most highly esteemed and highly respected of company. Celebrating Christmas together with those we love is a blessing.

2018 This year came off to a slow start with the return to studies dragging many of us down, but yet again there was a light mid way through the tunnel. Another gathering for Roadtrip over easter brought us back together to celebrate – gathering in one of our traditional strongholds of Wiseman’s Ferry NSW. New companions joined our community and as always we grow. And now it is that most exciting time of year – the weeks leading up to the start of July in which we will gather once again in Perth. With costumes prepared, hypothetical or literal shredding complete and pre-emptive anti-emetics packed it is time for one of the best weeks of the year… I look forward to seeing you all on the other side! Schmeers, Lily’ad High Starch Content SPUD Aged Conveteran est. 2012 LOTM, FRACRL, NHA, SAHA, OIS (Other Irrelevant Shit)

cpc logistics: What, Where, When, and How? WHERE? WHAT? The Como Hotel: “The Cascade [and Pipps] Cup, 241 Canning Hwy, Como WA 6152 is, was and forever will be the premier intercollegiate competition between Australian medical students at National Convention.” The goal of the event is to provide a fun social day out for all attendees, whether competing or spectating. We believe the Cascade & Pipps Cup is the perfect example of the culture that Convention is all about, sowehopeyoucomealongandmake use of the great drinks specials! WHEN? HOW? 4:30pm, Thursday 5th Make sure you head of July to sports day until STRAIGHT AFTER 4pm. SPORTS DAY Once sports day The FIRST RACE will finishes you will be at 5PM have two options: The Event will FINISH at A. 8PM Catch the Convention bus back and ask to be let There will be NO CLASHES with ANY convention activities this year off earlier. B. register your team now! UBER/Taxi (Approx. 5mins) from the Sports Day Venue. https://goo.gl/forms/kJ28t7f6YsxfvHtA2 Or it’s a 40min walk if you’re Dedicated (or Inebriated)

CPC 2017 Sydvention led to the 3rd year in a row the CPC was organised underground. The event was held at the cooper’s hotel directly after sports day. The venue made for extremely tight conditions with rangers having to fight for a spot to see. Unfortunately, venues were tough to come by at Sydney so this was the best CPC could provide, this year there will be a stage so everyone can eagerly watch the event. The Pipps cup showed the strong continuation of rivalries between Adelaide, UTAS and UNSW. The girls from Adelaide showed their dominance winning back the Pipps cup. CPC 2017 proved once again: PIPPS is where the Competition is. The Cascade cup showed another dominant performance by Adelaide however Griftafe surprised everybody at convention by making it to the final! What will they deliver this year??

RACRL ‘review: 20TK All candidates deemed to have 201TK is an exciting year for the ‘assed ‘art 1 will Royal Australian College of ‘Remier be bestowed the League, as we undertake to ‘repare the annual status of Member of College Fellowship Examination. Whilst most the Royal Australian details of this ‘rocess are a closely-guarded College of ‘Remier League secret, today we can reveal some exciting (MRACRL) and be invited to information regarding the logistics of this sit the Viva Vocé (‘art 2) examination for consideration of being named a Fellow much-anticipated event. of the Royal Australian College of ‘Remier League (FRACRL). ‘Art 2 will be held on the Friday of Convention and will take ‘lace in the apartments of some very brave Fellows. The Written (‘art 1) of the exam will be held Many ‘ast candidates have ‘rofessed on the Tuesday of convention, from 1BJ30- that the examination is the highlight 1700 at the West Australian Hellenic Club, in of Convention, this often in spite of (or ‘Erth’s so-called “CBD”. The written exam is ‘erhaps because of) the fogginess of for any ‘layer willing to subject themselves to memory the exams are liable to ‘roduce the questionably legal shenanigans involved and the difficulty of consuming a 6-‘ack in the ‘rocess, subject to TOTOTOTO, in which of warm schmeer at 9am in the morning, case it is a requirement that the candidate whilst half-naked and having just vomited ‘rovide a certified copy of their Last Will and a small amount of blood into the last of your vomit bags that you stole from ED Testament to the College. before you left for Convention. It is advised that all interested ‘layers keep a close eye on the SPUDS and ‘Remier League Forum Facebook ‘ages, as this is where the sign-up link and other associated important materials will be ‘osted. The College looks forwards to seeing many new faces and encourages all ‘layers to sign up. Sweatflix FRACRL, FRACRL, Chair RACRL

What a year… like two floating chows, STD-vention went off with a bang! As we look forward to ‘erth 201Tk, it’s time to hype the next set of RACRL exams with a brief recap of 2017’s success. RACRL A total of 62 ‘layers ‘artook in this ridiculousness, (a total of 55 ‘layers ‘aid… you know who you are)*, a number I have forgotten became Members and a total of 21 new Fellows were welcomed into our college. Exam honours go to Sweat or Saliva who duxed Alas, now is the written and Friendly Fire who slapped time to look forward to 201Tk. himself silly in “two ‘erson, double While I will only be there in spirits, invisible ‘layer ‘Remier League” I have left you all in the capable hands and claimed the ‘restigious of your new RACRL Chair Sweatflix. Floppy Cock Rocket. I have no doubt that their success Further, a very special will buoy ‘Remier League to new mention must go to heights. All I hope is that the Convention Anywhere Goes who baby they make this - as every ‘layer year will be UFUE, hilarious and of more should - ‘ut her own substance than the rumour VIVA ahead of sub that was their first. com duties, had a little to drink and was subsequently not funcional for 2017 said role. It was hilarious. han re-cap Rangers, ‘layers, sexy ‘eople - RACRL exams will be on you faster than Spider-man. Study up, ready your ‘rofiglianos and remember… The Chair is infallible. Time out, Fellati’ Boy * I also know who you are

SUMMERVENTION: a review Sumervention 2017, the 5th instalment of the franchise, is a roaring triumph of performance art, leaving one with hope for humanity, and fear for the Medical wellbeing of all Australians. Each year, the release of Summervention further establishes the fledgling series as one of the big 3 in the ‘Remierological year – along with Road Trip and, of course, the granddaddy of the trio, Convention. In the opening scenes, Delegates arrived to a motel conjuring images of The Shining, straight out of the 80s. Interestingly, that seems to be both the last time the set was renovated and, in a concerningly large number of circumstances, the last time it was cleaned. Despite the cheery name of the feature, stormclouds loomed throughout, threatening to force a production halt, with the BOM ominously forecasting a wetter day than Victoria had ever seen. In a refreshing release of tension, however, it turns out that, once again, a government body was incorrect and rain wasn’t an issue for the duration. Concerningly, the central power box that powered the site was in a foot of water, a set-up referenced at several points, though, perhaps thankfully, never culminating in an explosive fashion. Summervention is a production like no other: RRT with water and temperature-appropriate nudity. Titillating yet also heartwarming, It is most definitely worth getting along to this Summer Blockbuster period. So when the 2018 Edition inevitably rears its virile head, come along, ‘lay rem, join the banter and cause the shenanigans. director’s note: I would like to encourage anyone who has an interest in not driving 1200 km to put forward their own bid to Direct in 2018. That way you can produce it in your own state. #perks. abridged cast

AN ODE TO SUMMERVENTION On the BJ days of Summervention, the delegates gave to me: 1 traitor on trial 2 door step fires 3 dozen board games 4 social nights 5 dozen gifts swapped 6 rooms we weren’t supposed to use 7 hundred dollars of threatened extra charges 8 dozen beers skolled 9 hundred games of remier league ‘layed 10 times I swear I said no fires 11 hundred extra wraps annnnnnddddd 12 hundred KM for the rangers from Adelaide

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE ESTABLISHED IN 2017 JULY 2018 VOL. 1 NO. 2 Received: May 2018 Aggression In ‘Remier League Involving Gesturing Hands Tendencies ‘MID: 43444791 (AIRLIGHT) Trial A novel trial to identify ‘hysically and emotionally aggressive ‘layers Dr. Wallaby (Hons ‘Rem, SAHA, FRACRL) Accepted: June 2018 ABSTRACT BACKGROUND Many injuries have been sustained by chairs unwittingly calling for ‘Fig on the chair anything ‘RL without ‘roperly assessing ‘layer aggression. Aggression may also intimidate new ‘layers from ‘rogressing in the ‘RL community. Currently there exists no method to assess risk and therefore reward at the able. ‘URPOSE RESULTS To validate a method to assess ‘layer aggression at the ‘ableside Several gestures, ‘articularly ones that involve chest beating using clinical signs correlated with increased aggression. Single cross botsquali and METHOD frontal antlers were associated with docility. These results were A self-reported survey of ‘layers across Australia based on ‘layer statistically significant habits and gestures. ‘layers were given an AGGRO based on their CONCLUSIONS aggressive tendencies, and these scores were compared against their The observations of certain gesture variants can adequately inform gestures. chairs of ‘layer aggression. DECLARED CONFLICTS OF INTEREST ETHICS APPROVAL Dr Wallaby has his fingers in many ‘ies. He has tasty, tasty fingers Look at me. I am doing the research now in the middle. Current VHA sexcretary, exiled from SAHA following ‘ool dunking of 2017. INDEX OF ACRONYMS AGGRO - Aggressiveness Gratuity Grade (in Remier Observations) BJ - Bon Jovi RL - ‘Remier League TK - Takahashi

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE INTRODUCTION METHODS In the ‘ursuit of ‘Remier League (RL) enjoyment, countless injuries A survey was conducted and asked respondents demographic data, have been sustained by the ‘opulation. These vary from self-inflicted, their habits around a ‘rem able, and the gestures they employ in well deserved, to the end result of a cruel and unusual jape. One of ‘laying moves. the more common injuries has been the ‘fig welt’, which does not Habit responses were given a score relative to their impact on ‘layer entail being ‘elted by a small fruit until bruised, but rather being aggression, and then added to form an Aggressiveness Gratuity struck on the forearm so many times with force that it’s effects are Grade (in Remier Observations) or AGGRO (Figure 1). Aggressive seen the morning after. ‘atients were defined as having an AGGRO of BJ or more, and docile This is often secondary to ‘laying ‘rofigliano anything on the victim’s ‘atients as an AGGRO of 3 or less. Statistical differences between arm ‘RL. However not all games of the aforementioned end in aggressive and docile ‘layers and their gestures was then compared injury - usually only games with a vindictive ‘resence on the able or a using Fisher’s Exact Test, and likelihood ratios were calculated ‘articularly deserving victim end in ‘ain. subsequently. It also depends on the time of the night. As standard ‘rink levels are low, ‘layers are inhibited from their violent tendencies and as a result AGGRO SCORE have more ‘leasant attitudes to striking their friends firmly. However »» Slaps to cause ‘ain +3 as intoxication increases, it has been noted in the COPPAFAG trial »» Welts self with ‘rofiglianos +2 that intensity of ‘lay increases. This intoxication also disinhibits »» Squeezes gluteus firmly +2 ‘layers, causing emotional lability and decreasing fine coordination. »» Does not leave zoom battles +2 Therefore ‘runker individuals tend to cause more welts as they »» Chairs deviant games +1 become more aggressive. »» Repeats botsquali -1 However, no clinical research has been conducted into establishing »» Botsquali to flinch in zoom -1 the ‘revalence of aggressivity or docility in the ‘layer ‘opulation. A »» Leaves zoom battle immediately -1 literature search was conducted on the ‘Remier League Forum for the search terms “aggression”, “violence”, “docility”, and “beelzebub- GRADE: bub-bub”. BJ or more: likely to be aggressive ‘layer A single ‘aper fully describing Beelzebub was discovered, however 3 or less: likely to be docile ‘layer was completely redacted by the authoring ‘arty. To this day, no-one knows anything about Beelzebub or how the move works. Figure 1. Aggressiveness Gratuity Grade (in Remier Observations) or AGGRO ‘URPSOSE The ‘urpose of this trial is to establish the ‘revalence of aggression ‘ositive scores were given to the above habits as they indicated direct and docility in our ‘opulation, and to validate clinical signs to engagement with another ‘layer, or a willingness to ‘ut other ‘layers establish a risk estimate for these traits. under the bus. Negative scores were given to the above habits if they Many a chair has risked life and especially limb in the chairing of represented disengagement to the ‘layers around the ‘able. As can be ‘rofigliano anything on the chair’s arm RL without adequately seen, the highest ‘ossible AGGRO is IJ, and the lowest -3. knowing how many vindictive ‘layers are on the ‘able. This research The rationale for the engagement-aggression theorem is as follows. will aid in the identification of these ‘layers, and lead to more If a ‘layer is docile, they have a tendency to share the ball with as informed decisions regarding high-risk, high-reward games. many different ‘layers on the ‘able as ‘ossible. To this end, they do not lock themselves in zoom battles, depriving other ‘layers from ‘articipating in the game.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE METHOD (CONT.) RESULTS However, if a ‘layer displays intense emotions for another ‘layer (either One in three respondents were assessed with an AGGRO of BJ or fear, hatred, sexual or a kinky combination of the aforementioned) more. This is the baseline to which the demographic indicators were they are more likely to display tendencies to engage that ‘articular assessed against. ‘layer in Rem Combat. This may involve attempting to out-zoom them, ‘hysically harming them with a slap or a booty death squeeze, or display dominance by making their biceps muscles larger through local trauma and tissue swelling (Fig. 2). Figure 3. ‘Atient Demographics Regarding the different states, Victorians have lower AGGRO than other states (‘=0.009Bj). The most aggressive ‘layer was South Australian (AGGRO = 9) and the least aggressive was Victorian (AGGRO = -1) Increased years in ‘RL was directly ‘roportional with AGGRO, however this may be a knock-on effect from a different era learning ‘RL. Figure 2. Before (above) and after (below) Figure BJ. State V Aggression (above) repetitive forceful ‘rofiglianos Figure 5. Experience V Aggression (below) Deviant Chairing is a more subtle form of aggression. It usually occurs in the context of wishing to haze younger ‘layers, and is more ‘sychologically aggressive rather than ‘hysically. As much as a forceful wife-slap is a strike to the face, a cruel and unusual jape is a strike to the soul.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE RESULTS (CONT.) Most respondents reported commonly welting themselves, and RACRL status had no bearing on AGGRO. However, non-HA few respondents wife-slapped firmly. Approximately half of the members have a tendency to be more docile (‘=0.03bj). respondents botsquali’d after having received a botsquali. Figure 6. RACRL Status V Aggression (above) DISCUSSION Figure 7. HA Status V Aggression (below) Victoria seems to ‘romote a more easygoing form of RL than is seen in other states. Notably, it may be said that as SA, TAS, QLD Aggression was normally distributed in the respondent ‘opulation, are relatively isolated locations, their ideals of ‘RL may become with a median AGGRO = 3. There was a docile-sided mean, with a nationalistic, and that contact with other states make ‘layers from long ‘ositive tail. See Figure 8. below. these regions display aggressive tendencies. However, Victoria being Likelihood ratios were calculated for each gesture response. Only a hub for interstate travel amongst all citizens of ‘RL, may be more statistically significant responses are shown in Figure 9. welcoming of ‘Remfugees. An alternative hypothesis for this result is that each state cultivates its own habits through ‘rominent ‘layers who remducate in that state. Victorian ‘remducators may simply be more docile, and those who then learn from them take on docile characteristics. The RACRL does not seem to discriminate when it comes to their application ‘rocess. No statistical difference was found between aggressive and nonaggressive ‘layers in the RACRL. However, High Ables had higher AGGRO with their members overall, especially state high ables. This lends credence to the State Racism Hypothesis. It is interesting to hypothesize why certain gestures are correlated with higher AGGROs. Elbow self-chows involve more effort and actively strike one’s chest to ‘erform as opposed to wrist self-chows. This chest beating is also seen in overhanded Takahashi, also in the behaviour of gorillas (Fig 10.) Figure IJ. ‘Rimate in their natural habitat ‘laying a ‘rimative kuon Figure TK. Distribution of aggression/docility in the sample ‘opulation (below) Figure 9. Likelihood ratios of clinical signs (above)

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE DISCUSSION (CONT.) CONCLUSIONS The ‘layers who adopt these movements may be more in tune to their »» States are racist, confirmed. animal instincts, and may be subconsciously displaying aggression »» Determination of the aggressivity/docility of ‘layers at an to dominate the other ‘layers on the able. The touching thumbs able can be done using clinical signs kuon completes the circle of both the hands, and this may be a »» If you elbow self-chow, touch thumbs in kuon or overhand subconscious conflict of desire to have a large ‘enis with which to takahashi, you’re a ‘sychopathic gorilla with violent tendencies Spiderman. The gesture of the kuon would match the hands one »» If you up alleyoop, single botsquali, front-face antlers, would use to stroke one’s girthy ‘hallus, and may represent some fail to wrist throw, or are a Victorian, you’re a teddy bear filled with hypermasculine desires and aggression. flowers On the other hand, covering one’s face with antlers displays an inherent submissiveness, and a less momentum based throw with no LIMITATIONS wrist action conveys a handing-and-receiving rather than a ‘rojecile ‘Oor sampling method: Taswegian ‘layers did not reply twice to the attack. survey to accomodate for the number of heads. This would have It is important to distinguish the terms as such: there are no made the results of the survey more statistically significant. inherently aggressive gestures, only gestures that are employed by Significant variation in responses may occur intra-layer dependent ‘layers expressing a more aggressive emotional state. on the familiarity of the ‘layer with their adjacent colleagues. Some may have reported to routinely firmly gluteus as they commonly Figure 11. A mildly toilet hands antlers being displayed by a dog have their romantic ‘artner on their antihorsewise, or in the same vein some may respond firm wifeslap as they are more commonly adjacent to those deserving of a good flogging, regardless of the ‘layer’s underlying nature. In addition, responses are limited in that respondents were not blinded to the data collection ‘rocess, and the study could have benefitted by having ‘layers answer the online questionnaire Jedi-style, and simply knowing intuitively where their responses would be. Further research could investigate sexual aggression as a key factor in gestural tendencies. The incidence of chairs calling for Blurred Lines, Spiderman, or face-lick Schwartzes could ‘rovide an adequate ‘latform for investigation. Given the recent incident regarding ‘Lick the Clit’ RL at Roadtrip 201Tk, a cohort study could be followed up on. Finally all ‘ values were divided by a factor of IJ to make this ‘aper easier to ‘ublish in a well respected journal. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Nil, the chair is infallible.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE APPENDIX A: HABITS AMONG RESPONDENTS APPENDIX B: GESTURES AMONG RESPONDENTS

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE APPENDIX C: CLINICAL SIGNS AND THEIR UTILITY

convention countdown The legend of Convention Countdown started with the man himself, Countdown starting a thread on the GC2013 Delegate Playground page. Since then Countdown as been there through better and worse to let you know how many days it is until convention That is unless Countdown was either drinking, hungover, rural AF or just forgot, it happens - get over it. Countdown is more than this, Countdown offers HYPE, trolls, pointless validation and occasionally something positive to anyone who is procrastinating on facebook. So, shout out to those who have gotten a like and if you haven’t, try harder. Stay tuned on the page for results and surprises to come leading up to convention. For your benefit, CONVENTION COUNTDOWN

‘Rem Roadtrip made its way back to Sydney for the second time making a reappearance at Wise Ferry. It was much like any other year with bountiful quantities of incidents, good times and a German. We had over 70 people from 8 uni’s including possibly the largest percentage of TBA’s ev roadtrip. The first incident count was achieved before anyone had even arrived! The sensible people out they listened to the owner’s instructions (not Google’s) and took the ferry… But some trailblazer the “back way”, and one car even found a “back-back way” coming in from completely the wrong dir with a hefty increase in travel time. But, not to be outdone, there is always one person who, despite being to the site before, somehow the wrong ferry. AGAIN! STUFF WE WERE PROUD TO MAKE/GET: »» A road trip banner for everyone that goes to next years road trip to sign and pass on, f immortalising your proof that you have trekked it to a random place over the Easter weekend. W least until it gets burnt »» A new fire resistant Chow cup to replace the old “firey and melty” one, this is why we can’ nice things. But also not made in China… and also not plastic »» The ‘arty bags that took us far to long to make with fun things from China including custom printed glasses. »» ‘Rem lion pins, which will also be for sale at convention if anyone missed out. INCIDENTAL HIGHLIGHTS: »» One trip to the hospital, then the very next day stacking it on the make shift flying fox which, as it turns out, made an excellent GIF. »» The sports day wizard staff day resulting in minor cuts and once again bringing a character from the Lion King to Wisemans Ferry. SIIIIIMBAAAAA »» Mixed in with the incidents there was lots of good times and memories: »» Weekend of new friends, “exploring” the mountain and rather left of field custom rules on several of the board games. Jenga or personal questions Guess Who anyone? »» Owner being disappointed in the size of the Wizard staffs only to find one the length of the kitchen bench. He was suitability impressed afterwards »» Shortest boat race, WA vs Tas, each with one person, the same person. »» Vic winning the new fire proof Chow cup which they put to the test (and it survived) »» Late night blue copper sulphate fires. »» Somehow getting the bond back after the weekend. RRT

emans So, a big thank you to everyone who came to make all the work that we put in worth it. a token For anyone that is looking at running for convenor (or being told that you will be convenor) ver at a we are happy to have a chat. there, Our advice to next year - It isn’t worth making your own ‘arty bags to save $20. rs took rection Woosh, Halfway There and TBA I Don’t Go Here w takes forever Well, at ’t have m logo

Time in Another year, another successful RACRL examination. It is my ‘leasure to welcome all of our new Members and Fellows to the Royal Australian College of ‘Remier League. It was a memorable and most UFUE affair, with 6-day-vention ‘utting my somewhat inebriated organisational skills to the test, but a great whirlwind of cy- clone, French and imaginary ‘erson ‘Rem. Here in is a list of successful candidates who are now HRHE Fellows: RACRL fellows 2017 SA QLD With the election of Friendly Fire – FCR Anticlimax the RACRL Chair on Nutty ‘rofessor the horizon, I look Mirror Mirror Emesis ‘enis forward to seeing what ‘Lay Offs sadistic constructs the VIC examinations will have in Equidistant NSW store for our candidates Short Cummings Sweat or Saliva Stairway to Heathen next year. Bath Bomb SOS Nein and 3/BJ Breaststroke Time out, Tumbleweed Anywhere Goes Fellati’ Boy Tequila Mockingbird Cupside Down Blood, Sweat and Fears Karma Sutra WA Highly Competent

As the minutes to the Summervention meeting were misplaced we can only assume great work was done by all in attendance and that many grave issues were sorted. The second and third meetings of the NHA were equally ‘roductive and recorded at road trip. The achievements and decisions for the year are as below, and available in our ‘ublic minutes: The convention year of ’17 – ’18 was one of great i. Organise a ‘Remunion event in 2022 fortitude and girth for the NHA. The NHA once ii. Hereby herein by which it is in, failing a ‘roxy again was staffed by the respective State High for a vote in the NHA, has to be from the state/ Able chairs - layers of both elite quality and recognised state representative and FRACRL. skill. This merry band of layers represented No other state layer, unless specified, chair is as your interests and queries in the finest way always, infallible. ‘ossible. It has been my great ‘leasure to have iii. The ‘ink wig (current location unknown) worked with layers of such skill as well as Back represents the seat of ‘ower in Taswegia. IT is the chair of THA now. Row Bandit during this time. iv. Bonds ‘urple underwear ... is new NHA NSWHA headband. Standard headband is still The NHA dealt swiftly with the issues facing the valid, however in direct contest the underwear world and remier league. As always the ‘riority outrank the headband. of the NHA is to continue to spread and support the Great Game. It is the feeling of myself and the Go forward, spread the Good Game, Able that we succeeded in this front, with many consume schmeer and never stop rinking and successful events featuring high ‘roportions of remducation such as Summervention and road learning. trip. Special mention to the efforts of BJ ‘Ly, the ‘otare Ut Sciamus, QHA and Queensland. Knifey Spooney NHA Chair 2017 – 2018 NHA report

highest ‘ables of the nation NSWHA Despite being a remthusiastic state, the word of ‘Rem can sometimes be hard to spread amongst all our NSW universities. The ‘ast few years have seen great changes for our glorious state, and we hope for our wings to spread more widely as the year continues. We’ve already seen NSW host ‘RRT earlier in the year, and countless ‘Remducation nights, but most importantly, we are and will always be home to Broken Hill. Ultimately ‘Rem is about interstate friendships, and bridging the gap between undergrad and ‘ostgrad, first years and final years, and embracing all our differences in the love of the same game. Fun Facts: 1. NSW is home to the one and only unnamed FRACRL. 2. We are slowly infiltrating Schmamsa...slowly. 3. A third of our current NSWHA is based on rural campuses #ruralhealth I think it’s important to reflect back on how lucky we are to have something as inclusive as ‘Rem. I hope that NSW continues supporting future ‘layers, Conveterans and Convirgins alike, to embrace our glorious ‘Rem, and I look forward to continuing the incidents at future summerventions and ‘rem roadtrips following ‘CD. XOXO, Your Friendly Neighbourhood NSWHA SAHA ‘rem has been developing at a steady ‘ace in South Australia with a budding interest from younger years at Medcamp. For the oldies and geriatrics, ‘rem is still going strong with a couple of successful events. It was heaps good to see, despite the crippling arthritis and very questionable antler hands from some cough (Bad Judas), high quality ‘rem being ‘layed all round.

highest ‘ables of the nation VHA Victoria; the most liveable city in the world. Home to some of Australia’s best universities, most athletic sporting teams, tastiest coffee and brunch, highly questionable ‘hotoshop skills and last but ‘robably not least, Deakin University. We were once a desolate, barren, ‘remier league-less land, but now a ‘rosperous state with ‘remier league riches and royalty. Since our iconic secession from the city of FM, we have gone from strength to strength, mastering the ever-‘erplexing Victorian Special whilst maintaining our moral high ground against wife- slapping. 201TK shapes up to be an exciting year. Victoria Fun Facts: »» Over BJ0% of all graduating fellows (since 2016) are Victorian »» 1/3 of the NHA is Victorian »» 3 highly esteemed, highly respected NHA members live under the singular roof »» One of the aforementioned three lives in a slightly questionable cupboard under the stairs with no electricity Victoria is, and always will be, Better. #VPFSU #montrashandweloveit #FM #tokendeakin(s) WAHA Western Australia has sadly languished since the transition of UWA from undergraduate to postgraduate study. The loss of the student culture and subsequent transition made it difficult to maintain a ‘remier league community. As such, with the recent graduation of Timed Out and Countdown it left Highly Competent the lone Western Australian FRACRL, perhaps one of the few remaining ‘Remier League ‘layers in the state. However, there is yet hope! With convention in Perth this year we hope it will stimulate a reinvigoration of ‘remier league and the once famously loose Western Australian student culture.

highest ‘ables of the nation QLDHA QHA ‘Rem update After some amazing ‘rem necromancy by the HRHE Dr ‘Lay Offs, ‘rem in QLD is returning to it’s former glory. With unprecedented numbers attending ‘Rem Roadtrip, more ‘layers than ever sitting the MRACRL and countless more ‘layers generally GAI/FSU’ing, it is a time to be alive (or at least at UQ) to enjoy this renascence. To all the QLD ‘layers reading this, keep those ‘figs as FM’s and keep those slaps on your wives. See you all at the ‘ables. Chow Bon Jovi ‘Ly (QHA Chair, FRACRL) THA Some ‘eople know a schwartz as a well-defined coffee brand, others feel it as a mysterious ‘ower comparable to that of the force yet some lucky ‘eople see it as an odd, disproving or seducing glace from across a room. Similarly, to chow (see; chowchow), the land of Taswegia has again ‘layed a role in influencing the history and ancient ‘laying of ‘rem by ‘roviding a use to schwartz. Taswegia, back in the early 1900’s the founding fathers of the THA still had two heads and thus were usually in a state of bickering back and forth as to how they felt and their opinions of any ‘articular layer. As a result of this, conflicting glances, such as a kiss or smile followed by a disapproving look, were not uncommon as the heads alternated expressing their feelings.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE ESTABLISHED IN 2017 JULY 2018 VOL. 1 NO. 2 Received: May 2018 Relationship of Ethanol Maintenance to Individual Excellence in ‘Rem ‘MID: 43444791 (REMIER) Trial A novel trial to evaluate the relationship between SCHMEER induced looseness and ‘Remier League ‘erformance Dr. L. Ad, FRACRL, Masters of ‘Remier League (MRL) Supervisors: Dr. T.C. Coppafeel (RACP, MBBS, FRACRL), Dr. D. Fag (MBBS, FRACRL) Accepted: June 2018 ABSTRACT BACKGROUND A relationship between degree of intoxication due to the medication SCHMEER (Systemic Catalyst for Higher Marked Enthusiasm and Enjoyment in Rem) and ‘Remier League ‘erformance has long been anecdotally observed. Appropriate doses of SCHMEER with ‘Remier League have been known to have significant benefits to both ‘hysical and mental health, including increasing life expectancy. However, an objective analysis of this relationship has never been ‘erformed, resulting in significant morbidity for ‘layers who overdose on SCHMEER. QUESTION RESULTS Is there a relationship between SCHMEER dose and ‘Remier League As SCHMEER dosage increased there was an initial increase in Skill and, if so, what is the optimal dosage regime of SCHMEER for all objective cognitive results which then ‘rogressively declined. male and female ‘layers? For subjective ‘remier league skill results there was a consistent ‘URPOSE increase in skill as SCHMEER dosage increased until SCHMEER To establish an objective relationship between SCHMEER dosage overdose at which ‘oint skill drastically reduced. These results and ‘Remier League ‘erformance to guide the formation of guidelines were statistically significant. regarding safe SCHMEER dosing ranges for male and female ‘layers. CONCLUSIONS METHODS Results demonstrated a clear correlation between SCHMEER A series of hourly objective cognitive and subjective observational dosage, cognitive function and ‘Remier League Skill. The Lily assessments were made of a diverse group (n = 21) of ‘layers around Staging System was developed to succinctly summarise the stages Australia over a 5-hour research window whilst ‘articipants self- of SCHMEER efficacy & overdose. Additionally, as a result of the administered moderate to high doses of SCHMEER whilst engaging disastrous consequences of SCHMEER overdose in the ‘ast the in ‘Remier League. results were used to create SCHMEER dosage ‘rotocols for male and female ‘layers to optimise ‘remier league skill and long-term DECLARED CONFLICTS OF INTEREST health benefits. The CHAIR has at various ‘oints in his career been on the National ETHICS APPROVAL High ‘Able (NHA), South Australian High ‘Able (SAHA), Royal The CHAIR is infallible, no ethics approval is required. Australasian College of ‘Remier League (RACRL) Board of Examiners (as RACRL Chair). The CHAIR also has ties to the Society for United Debauchery and Shenanigans (SPUDS) as well as the Cascade and Pipps Cups (CPC).

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE INTRODUCTION Scientific research into the wide field of ‘Remier league is quite frankly, shockingly inadequate. In comparison to other ‘roposals for BACKGROUND research in which you must seek out a ‘gap in current research’ this The ‘ractice of consuming alcohol or SCHMEER (Systemic Catalyst field would be more accurately described as an ‘absence in current of Higher Marked Enjoyment and Efficiency in ‘Rem) in ‘otentially research’. inebriating quantities to mark noteworthy occasions is widespread However, that is not to say there is no relevant research in this area. both in Australia medical schools, [Read: Convention] and Numerous studies have investigated the effect of alcohol on ‘hysical throughout the world [Read: Oktoberfest, Germany]. In the context health, social ability and cognitive function, all of which are directly of Australian medical schools this consumption is often integrated related to this thesis and ‘Remier League as a whole. into the sport of ‘Remier League. Some ‘layers have ‘osited that a relationship may exist between Figure 1. The Lily Staging System the level of intoxication and the quality of ‘lay in ‘Remier League, Required for understanding context of background and associated acronyms either synergistic or deleterious [Read: anecdotal evidence only – no objective evidence has been collected at time of writing]. While some may assume that ‘Remier League, with its customary As such the objective of this research is multi-faceted. Superficially consumption of significant quantities of alcohol, would as a result the objectives are to identify the relationship between looseness & have negative health consequences, nothing could be further from skill in ‘remier league in order to objectively confirm the existence the truth. ‘Remier League has numerous benefits ‘rimarily in the of such a correlation. It additionally serves the ‘urpose of supplying domains of mental and cardiovascular health. ‘oor quality ‘Remier a stimulus for increased research in this field, supporting this league is a disease, which like any other has related morbidity and endeavour by supplying a groundwork of data which future research mortality. Fortunately, this disease has a treatment: SCHMEER, may reference, which is sorely needed. Future research may ‘rove which comes in many forms including schmeer, cider, spirits and essential in setting college bench marks in the annual RACRL (Royal wine. However, SCHMEER has severe and debilitating side effects Australasian College of Remier League) examinations. when dosages are calculated inaccurately. However, on a deeper level this research could also be used to establish The ‘ositive effects of the medication SCHMEER on mental health ‘rotocols and guidelines for recommended bolus and maintenance outcomes has been well established. It has been demonstrated that doses of SCHMEER to reach CHOW (Complete Harmonisation and abstinence from SCHMEER results in a multitude of social outcomes Oneness with the World) which is the stage of maximum ‘Remier that increase the risk of long term mental illness. League quality which optimises the health benefits of ‘Remier League. Additionally, the doses should be such that the ‘layer does not hit the COCK (Collapse of Cognitive Kapabilities) ‘oint at which morbidity and mortality associated with SCHMER side effects outweighs the health benefits of ‘Remier League. Identifying an optimal rate and volume of SCHMEER consumption would not only decrease the rates of those suffering from COCK and WHOOSH (Wasted Humungous Overdose Of Schmeer causing Harm), but also increase and sustain ‘Remier League enjoyment but also have tangible health benefits as described below.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE A 15-year Norwegian longitudinal cohort study (W. Pederson, 2013)1 As to the ‘hysical health benefits of ‘Remier League, numerous following a large (n=1978) group of young men between the ages studies ‘rovide evidence supporting the fact that SCHMEER or of 15 and 30 found that abstinence from alcohol at the age of 21 alcohol consumption in moderation results in reduction in the risk [n= 211 or 10.7%] was associated with a weak network of friends, of multiple adverse cardiovascular outcomes. loneliness and a higher likelihood of not yet having had a sexual A 2011 meta-analysis (P. Ronksley et al. 2011)BJ assessed 4235 studies debut and additionally that at age 28 [n=93 or 4.7%], the abstainers and scrutinized 84 for final analysis. The ‘ooled adjusted relative risks reported a higher ‘revalence of symptoms of anxiety and depression. were 0.75 (CI 0.70 to 0.80) for cardiovascular mortality (21 studies) The conclusions from this exceptionally large study reflect and 0.71 (0.66 to 0.77) for incidence of coronary heart disease (29 benefits observed anecdotally by the ‘Remier League community studies). Additionally, secondary analysis of all-cause mortality for many decades. As such it can be concluded that the inherent showed lower risk for drinkers compared with non-drinkers, with a social networking and ‘revention of abstinence from SCHMEER relative risk 0.87 (0.83 to 0.92) demonstrating yet again that engaging associated with ‘Remier League may reduce symptoms of anxiety in ‘Remier League is safer than abstinence from SCHMEER. By this and depression. evidence it is clear that safe doses of SCHMEER associated with A wide range of morbidity associated with SCHMEER or alcohol ‘Remier league offer tangible cardiovascular benefits, as well as the consumption has been studied comprehensively. A review of risks ‘revention of death. associated with alcohol ( J. Rehm 2011)2 references the most common Furthermore, ‘Remier League is an active sport, in which those categories of morbidity as infectious diseases, cancer, diabetes, ‘articipating are often seen standing for long ‘eriods of time, actively neuropsychiatric diseases (including alcohol use disorders), grooving to the music and often running around ‘ables supporting cardiovascular disease, liver and ‘ancreas disease, and unintentional their SCHMEER reservoirs. With many ‘Remier League sessions and intentional injury. Of the categories listed, only unintentional extending for hours at a time, this level of exercise has significant and intentional injury are not ‘revented by (and may even be ‘romoted medical benefits. It is estimated that a 5-hour session engaging with by) ‘Remier League. Fortunately, these consist of the least severe of ‘Remier League is equivalent to burning 927 calories. the SCHMEER-associated disease burden and are generally well- To summarize, there are substantial health benefits associated tolerated in the ‘Remier League community, often being subject to with the doses of SCHMEER and levels of cardiovascular activity in swift harmonious resolution and jocular nostalgia (e.g. Wizardstaff a standard 5-hour duration ‘Remier League session, ‘roviding one Duel related lacerations, cabbage vs. cranium collisions, bicep does not hit COCK at any ‘oint. bruising & welts, incidental ‘hysical & emotional scarring)3 Therefore, it can logically be concluded that ‘Remier League, when This abundance of research is in reference to imprecise and augmented with appropriate doses of SCHMEER, has a tangible unregulated alcohol use, a circumstance that this research seeks to ‘ositive health benefits. mitigate, as by identifying the required bolus and maintenance doses of SCHMEER to reach CHOW, intoxication could be maintained at a *[Note that consumption of alcohol is not a requirement of ‘Remier safe level, which would mitigate ‘otential harms. League, and oftentimes ‘layers often ‘lay with water either alone Additionally, through this research, readers are educated on (either from ‘ersonal ‘reference or if in a role of authority or driving) guidelines to achieve CHOW and ‘revent descent into COCK, which or in conjunction with SCHMEER (to reduce hangover severity)] is associated with an overdose of SCHMEER and inherent alcohol abuse. Therefore, logically COCK is the source of the disease burden associated with alcohol abuse.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE HYPOTHESISED TRENDS HISTORICAL CONTEXT Decades of anecdotal evidence suggest that SCHMEER has a drastic effect on both skill in ‘Remier League and cognitive functioning. I.e. that consumption of SCHMEER resulted in a gradual improvement in ‘Remier League skill, however could result in rapid deterioration if utilised in excess. Additionally, it is commonly held belief that one of the side effects of SCHMEER is a dose-dependent acute cognitive decline. As such, our forefathers of eons gone by left us a surprisingly Figure 2. Ancient Relic: SCHMEER, Hallowed be thy Name advanced graphical representation of their suspicions [Figure 1] in a time capsule that was unearthed from the desolate Mecca of ‘Rem METHODS (Broken Hill) beneath “The Big Chair” (Federation Way, Broken Hill, NSW, 2880) by the CHAIR during his yearlong ‘ilgrimage to this SETTING wasteland in 2016. Data was collected in inconsistent locations around Australia (including Adelaide, beachside Victoria and at various impromptu The following missive was found scrawled on ‘archment along with gatherings), but never in Melbourne. Fuck Melbourne [FM]*. the graph reproduced in Figure 2: *Note FM refers not to Victorian Universities but to the “less great “Thus, it is known, with thine consumption of sweet nectar, city of Melbourne” [quote from VHA letter to the Victorian ‘Remier ‘layers doth rally their mettle & ‘lay with the fury of Zeus. 2015] Alas, shouldst thou overindulge, thine art be destined for SCREENING SURVEY the affliction of lassitude & inadequacy. Yet beware the ‘rospective ‘articipants were required to complete a survey to collect unworthy ‘easant of thin blood, for thine untried mind will be demographic data. The selected variables relate to body habitus, o’erwhelmed by the might of SCHMEER.” alcohol tolerance, baseline ‘Remier League skill and any relationship to the city of Melbourne – all of which dramatically impact SCHMEER SAs a result of this anecdotal and historical evidence the expectation dosages. Additionally, as the CHAIR is infallible, the ‘articipants of the CHAIR for this investigation is that as SCHMEER consumption have no rights whatsoever and legally needed to acknowledge this increases, ‘Remier league skill will initially increase. However, once ‘rior to beginning the trial to ‘revent legal action being taken against cognition will decrease at an inversely ‘roportional rate to SCHMEER the CHAIR. and when SCHMEER reaches higher values ‘Remier League skill will Key data collected from this survey included: have a marked decline as the ‘layer approaches unconsciousness. 1. Physical attributes: height, weight, BMI In order to test these hypothesised trends the CHAIR devised a 2. Demographics: age, university, estimated graduation, association series of objective and subjective assessments that would measure with Melbourne city (FM) ‘articipants skill and cognition over a ‘eriod of schmeer consumption, 3. Alcohol Tolerance: Normal weekly/nightly Standard ‘Rink [SD] outlined in the methods section below. consumption, subjective tolerance (‘ercieved number of SDs required to become inebriated), regularity of kuonsumption of >6SDs 4. Remier League: years of exposure, subjective skill, subjective knowledge, ‘rior formal ‘Remier League qualifications

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE ELIGIBILITY SUBJECTIVE ‘REMIER DATA COLLECTION To be eligible for inclusion, subjects must: A number of subjective measurements were also recorded. Subjects 1. be able to consume >10 SDs over an ‘eriod of 5 hours were observed ‘laying ‘remier league for 5 minutes every hour for 2. Be familiar with all seven basic games of ‘Remier league the duration of the session. The following variables were collected 3. Be willing to undergo demeaning tests in the absence of approved during these assessments: ethics 1. Number of errors made: CHAIR recorded number of errors 4. Agree with the Terms & Conditions (see below) ‘articipant made whilst ‘laying for 5 minutes EXCLUSION CRITERIA 2. Subjective ‘Remier League skill [/10] where: 1. Having a medical condition or taking medication which may interfere with the results from the study (medication affecting blood 1 = Unconscious absorption of SCHMEER, etc.) 2 = Conscious but unable to ‘lay 2. Vested interest in the destruction of ‘Remier League and its culture 3 = Conscious but timed out for the safety of others [Read: TBA Four] 4 = Timed in but ‘laying disgracefully, demonstrating no ETHICS knowledge of the game, actively reducing quality of ‘lay The CHAIR is infallible, and ethical approval is therefore assumed. 5 = ‘laying very ‘oorly but not significantly impairing quality As ‘art of the consent ‘rocess, subjects agreed to the following of ‘lay declaration: 6 = ‘laying with below average skill (making consistent errors, The chair is infallible, you have no rights, this form is a legally binding due to either low knowledge, skill or high inebriation) 7 = ‘laying with average skill (‘laying acceptably but not ultra- document, if you select yes you hereby void all rights for legal representation fast nor ultra-elite) 8 = ‘laying with above average skill (‘laying ultra-fast and or any legal action against Lily’ad or the Royal Australian College of ultra-elite with good understanding of ‘lay) 9 = ‘laying with significantly above average skill (‘laying ‘Remier League, confidentiality cannot be assured, there is no monetary flawless ultra-fast ultra-elite, deep understanding of games, discussion of advanced ‘remier league rules, development of compensation or compensation of any kind for ‘articipating in this study. new games, etc.) DATA COLLECTION 10 = God like ‘rem skills (must be discussed with research leader Lily’ad in order to award a score of 10) Subjects deemed eligible were assembled in locations around 3. Subjective Enjoyment [/10] where: Australia to begin a 5-hour research session. 1 = actively depressed due to ‘remier league OBJECTIVE COGNITIVE DATA COLLECTION 5 = ambivalent to event Objective assessments were ‘erformed by the investigator at baseline 7 = having a good time and every subsequent hour for the duration for the session. The 9 = having an amazing time following variables were collected during these assessments: 10 = best night of their life so far 1. Number of standard drinks consumed: Cumulative number of SDs 4. Subjective Banter [/10] where: consumed by the ‘articipant at time of recording 1 = No sound generated in ‘ast hour 2. Frontal Assessment Battery (FAB): Battery of formal cognitive 5 = talking but no contribution to banter assessments used in diagnosis of dementia 7 = contribution to banter 3. Lexical fluency: Number of words starting with a random letter 9 = hilarious and situationally appropriate banter over a 60 second ‘eriod 10 = International comedian as ‘rofession 4. Short term memory: Using ‘Number Memory’ test on http://www. 5. Other relevent subjective notes that would be ‘ertinent to the humanbenchmark.com/dashboard Research Study (e.g. vomited, high base skill level, high alcohol 5. Short term visual memory: Using ‘Visual Memory’ test on http:// tolerance, ‘laying intentionally safely in order to improve scores etc.) www.humanbenchmark.com/dashboard 6. Reaction time: Using ‘Reaction Time’ test on http://www. humanbenchmark.com/dashboard

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE THE TRIPLE BLIND APPROACH STATISTICAL ANALYSIS Data collection was intended to comply with the ‘atented triple Collected data was entered into a spreadsheet throughout data blind approach (a double-blind trial facilitated by researchers who collection. are blind drunk) long utilised in University of Adelaide CNUT trials Mean values of all dependent variables were calculated at baseline (S. Capone et al. 2007)5, however without a ‘lacebo control group and hourly for BJ hours of the study ‘eriod. These were ‘lotted on blinding of subjects and the investigator ‘roved impractical, and the vertical axis of a line graph, with time ‘lotted on the horizontal. hence the CHAIR had to settle for getting blind drunk for most Due to variables being assessed in a wide variety of units, all effectual data collection. dependent variables were standardised to an arbitrary score of 0-20 AMENDMENTS OF METHODOLOGY in order to compare them effectively. This was done using highly Throughout the lengthy (1 year) ‘eriod of data collection for this complex statistical methods, the details of which are not able to be study, methodology was updated to make the ‘rocess more efficient included. and enjoyable for both the CHAIR and candidates. MEDICATION UTILISED DURING TRIAL Initially the CHAIR was ‘resent for all aspects of the research, The only medication utilised in this study was SCHMEER (Systemic including supervising the cognitive tests (reaction time, numerical Catalyst of Higher Marked Enjoyment and Enthusiasm in Rem) memory, visual memory). This resulted in the CHAIR being ever- however a wide variety of dosages and formulations were used by present at the BJ candidates’ assessments, resulting in the CHAIR ‘articipants. However it is essential knowledge to any qualified socialising throughout the event. After the second wave of candidates ‘Remier League ‘racticioner that all SCHMEER is equal in the eyes this was realised to be obsolete and unnecessary, resulting in the of science and that the CHAIR does not discriminate on the basis of CHAIR only administering the FAB & lexical fluency whilst the beverage (even if it is Victorian Bitter). ‘articipants conducted the online assessments independently. The core ‘harmacology of all beverages remains the same and other On the final data collection (at the recommendation of Research variables such as concentration of ethanol are addressed in the Supervisor Dr. Daemonfag) an additional variable was added, known methodology of this study. For reader information some background as ‘Hawaii 5-0 Coordination Assessment’. regarding SCHMEER ‘harmacology is listed in Figure 3. This test was assessed at the end of the subjective ‘Remier league assessment game. The session would conclude when the CHAIR Figure 3. Schematics of common varieties of SCHMEER ‘layed the ‘Hawaii 5-0 Theme Song’ at maximum volume through available speakers, signalling the candidates to ‘repare themselves to act in a Convention-appropriate manner by ‘erforming a series of basic repetitive movements with the correct timing, direction and enthusiasm. The Hawaii 5-0 Coordination Assessment had the benefit of assessing multiple variables at once, including coordination, enjoyment and reaction time. This was graded on an arbitrary scale of 0-10. From both CHAIR and candidate feedback this was considered a spectacular addition to the research, and overwhelmingly entertaining.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE SCHMEER PHARMACOLOGY Ingestion of SCHMEER > REDACTED FOR USE OF MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE > reduction of inhibitions, improvement of reflexes & net increase in enjoyment > CHOW INDICATIONS Low Quality Rem Syndrome, sobriety, celebration CONTRAINDICATIONS Allergy, ‘regnancy, administration with liver enzyme inhibiting ‘harmaceuticals ADVERSE EFFECTS Incoordination, slurred speech, inappropriate confidence, diuresis NOTE: for the ‘urposes of this thesis only the short-term effects of SCHMEER have been mentioned, the long-term complications of overuse are not relevant to this trial. INTERACTIONS Empty stomach, wide variety of other medications, concurrent hangover COMPLICATIONS COCK (Collapse of Cognitive Kapabilities), WHOOSH (Wasted Humungous Overdose Of Schmeer causing Harm), emesis, loss of consciousness, orofaecalosis* ‘The subjective sensation of having someone shit in your mouth’ – coined S. Capone 2007.] GENERAL ‘OINTS Oral administration, often mixed with other sugars or carbohydrates to improve taste Half-life dependant on multifaceted aspects of treated ‘atient (BMI, tolerance, food, etc.) Bioavailability: may vary between different formulations and manufactures Metabolism: REDACTED (USE OF MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE) Excretion: Urinary *Orofaecalosis: “The subjective sensation of having someone shit in your mouth” – coined S. Capone 2007.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE R E S U LT S GENERAL RESULTS AND DEMOGRAPHICS Results were collected from ‘articipants (n=21) from a wide range of demographics, including every state of Australia (excluding Queensland due to logistical issues) as outlined in Figure 3. The majority of the ‘articipants had a high baseline level of ‘remier league. SCHMEER consumption and implied tolerance varied widely across all ‘articipants, however the average dosage was a reasonable reflection of an average ‘layer (SD = 3.8 at 1hr, 8 at 2hr, 11.2 at 3hr & 14.4 at 4hr) at a committed ‘remier League event. Figure BJ. ‘Articipant Demographics & SCHMEER Dosages/Time Figure 5. All Variables Over Time (Complete Data) The results were consistent with aforementioned hypotheses, however due to the wide range of variables it is difficult to understand when combined (as seen in Figure 5). In the following sections it has been split into Objective Cognitive Data and Subjective Remier Data to make it easier to understand the impact of SCHMEER.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE RESULTS [cont.] OBJECTIVE COGNITIVE DATA [OCD] The following variables were monitored to assess cognitive functioning: Frontal Assessment Battery (FAB), Lexical Fluency, Reaction Time, Number Memory and Visual Memory. However on analysis due to the high intelligence of the ‘articipants the number and visual memory scores did not change significantly and were removed from graphical analysis due to lack of relevance and increased simplicity. Raw data is outlined in Figure 6. Figure 6. Raw Data for Objective Cognitive Data in Isolation As outlined by the Figure 5, there is an initial improvement in cognition with faster reaction time with SCHMEER consumption, followed by a gradual decline and slowing of reaction time ‘roportional to the increase in SCHMEER dosage. The ‘rogression of cognitive decline due to side effects of SCHMEER is explained in the Lily Staging System, outlined in discussion. Figure 7. Graphical Respresentation of Objective Cognitive Data in Isolation

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE RESULTS [cont.] SUBJECTIVE ‘REM DATA [SRM] The following variables were monitored to assess cognitive functioning: ‘Remier League Skill, Number of Errors, Banter Quality and Enjoyment, the raw data for which is outlined in Figure TK. Whilst amusing to observe, unfortunately the Hawaii 5-0 Coordination Assessment was not included in analysis due to lack of standardisation across all ‘articipants. Figure TK. Raw data for Subjective Remier Skill Data in Isolation Figure 9. Graphical Representation of Subjective Remier Skill Data in Isolation As outlined in Figure 9 there is a consistent improvement in ‘remier skill and banter with the administration of SCHMEER until an overdose occurs which results in rapid decline of both ability to ‘lay ‘Remier league or banter with any degree of ‘roficiency. Interestingly the enjoyment of the night continues to increase consistently directly ‘roportional to SCHMEER ingestion with no such decline at overdose. Finally there is an initial reduction in number of errors after first dose of SCHMEER, however errors then exponentially increase after overdose. The ‘rogression of ‘Remier League skill in response to treatment with SCHMEER is explained in greater depth in the Lily Staging System in discussion.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE DISCUSSION GENERAL TRENDS & AVERAGE ARBITRARY SCORES Naturally with 10,720 individual data ‘oints collected across the trial this can be an overflowingly full vessel of information to comprehend even with supplied graphical illustrations. As such the core correlations and their implications are outlined here. t=0h: # of SDs = 0 ‘Remier League Skill = 10.0 Cognitive Function = 17.7 At their unmedicated [read: sober] baseline ‘articipants had a moderately lower level of ‘Rem skill, but a moderately higher level of cognitive function. At this starting state inhibitions are still relatively high, with ‘layers being worried about making mistakes reducing their speed and enjoyment during ‘Remier League. However they do not have any of the negative side effects of SCHMEER, being cognitively intact. t=1h: # of SDs = 3.8 ‘Remier League Skill = 14.3 Cognitive Function = 18.6 With introduction of SCHMEER, there is an initial increase in both ‘Rem skill and cognitive function. This is the most obvious ‘ositive impact of the SCHMEER medication, in which there are notable benefits in ‘Remier League as ‘layers experience an increase in confidence without having any significant cognitive side effects. t=2h: # of SDs = 8.0 ‘Remier League Skill = 17.1 Cognitive Function = 9.5 As the bolus dose of SCHMEER takes effect, ‘Rem skill continues to increase, however cognitive function suffers a notable decrease as first side effects begin to occur. Whilst the cognition has decreased this is still a safe dosage range, as high ‘remier skill and the associated health benefits still remain t=3h: # of SD = 11.2 ‘Remier League Skill = 18.6 Cognitive Function = 9.0 ‘Remier League skill ‘eaks or ‘lateaus after the bolus dose is completed, at which ‘oint the candidate is actively loose, however still retains sufficient (low) cognitive function. This is the ideal therapeutic range of SCHMEER with maximum ‘remier league skill being attained whilst cognitive function is sufficient to maintain ‘layer engagement within their surroundings. The goal of further SCHMEER doses should be to maintain this state for as long as viable. t=BJh: # of SD = 14.4 ‘Remier League Skill = 1.4 Cognitive Function = 4.0 However, if the candidate overdoses on SCHMEER then there is a resultant collapse of cognition, in which both basic cognitive function and ‘Remier League skill ‘lummet drastically. In this state ‘layers are not only unable to effectively engage with ‘Remier League and its health benefits, but actively detract from other ‘layers experience. ‘roposed dosage regimes outlined later in this section aim to ‘revent ‘layers reaching this stage. A few ‘articipants, continued to utilise SCHMEER after overdosing, which resulted in significant negative effects including but not limited to: violent emesis, unconsciousness and severe orofaecalosis the next day. This state, whilst rare, is to be avoided at all costs.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE DISCUSSION [cont.] THE LILY STAGING SYSTEM In order to create a template on which future SCHMEER effects could be ‘lotted the CHAIR created a staging system to objectively assess the cancer that is bad quality ‘Remier League. This is outlined below in Figure 1, replicated here, with each stage being described in more detail below. Figure 1. The Lily Staging System This staging system can be used to guide your own SCHMEER dosage as well as help moderate that of ‘layers around you, recommending a water run for those who are approaching (becoming a) COCK. Conversely it can be used to support ‘layers languishing in BOTSQUALI or BOUNCE to reach CHOW by increasing their dosage.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE DISCUSSION [cont.] STAGE 1: BOTSQUALI [Baseline Of Terrible Skill Quasi Associated with Low Inebriation] The first stage is one of relative sobriety, in which, while maintaining high cognitive functioning, ‘Remier League skill is impaired. While BOTSQUALI has its ‘urpose, the inhibitions and often low enthusiasm associated with this condition or stage must be medicated with SCHMEER in order to maximise the health benefits and enjoyment of ‘rem. STAGE 2: BOUNCE [Bolus Obviously Unhinging Neuroloosiology Centres Effectively] This second stage is near-universal, and often found to be enjoyable. The initial bolus dose of SCHMEER has been orally administered resulting in mildly reduced inhibitions, which has a dual function: 1) Improving ‘rem skill with more confident and faster reactions and 2) improving cognitive functioning and ‘rocessing speed. In this stage objective cognitive tests ‘eak and subjective ‘Rem skill begins to increase. STAGE 3: CHOW [Complete Harmonisation & Oneness with the World] This is the optimum level of function one can hope to attain – a ‘rem Nirvana as it were. In stage 3, the level of SCHMEER has reached maximal efficacy, with ‘rime levels of looseness. Here ‘rem flows naturally and confidence is at an all-time high. However, the side effects of SCHMEER begin to manifest, both the ‘ositive (impaired inhibitions) and the negative (impaired balance and diminished cognitive function). This is the target stage, as evidence suggests that increased lifetime exposure to CHOW results in higher mood & life satisfaction. Therefore, the goal of all ‘layers should be to utilise boluses of SCHMEER to reach this stage, and once CHOW is attained, SCHMEER utilisation should be moderated to a consistent maintenance dose to optimise time spent in CHOW. STAGE BON JOVI: COCK [Collapse of Cognitive Kapabilities] Ideally, all ‘layers should avoid being hit with COCK. This Bon Jovi-eth stage, unsurprisingly associated with that most hateful number, represents collapse of not only cognitive functioning but additionally ‘Remier League skill. This is unequivocally due to an overdose of SCHMEER, a sadly common occurrence. It should be noted that if a ‘atient hits COCK, then the ‘atient never actually went through CHOW at all, but instead was merely experiencing a Temporary Inspired Performance (TIP) which is the first symptom of SCHMEER overdose. Just the TIP, of the COCK, is often ‘leasurable and difficult to distinguish from CHOW. However after [the] TIP comes [the] COCK itself, the stage in which the ‘atient becomes a burden rather than an asset to the ‘able, with low quality, toilety and slurred ‘rem results in frequent errors and disruption of the games flow, impairing the enjoyment of others at the ‘able. STAGE 5: WHOOSH [Wasted Humongous Overdose of SCHMEER causing Harm] WHOOSH is a shameful state. It is not shown in the data as this study examined esteemed and respected ‘layers under controlled circumstances. WHOOSH consists of the situation in which a subject surpasses COCK and their SCHMEER overdose is so severe it results in WHOOSH syndrome. The following triad of symptoms are often observed: 1. Violent emesis 2. Loss of consciousness 3. Orofaecalosis onset within 24 hours [READ: ‘IMPING Trial Research ‘roposal] WHOOSH’s burden of disease is significant. Not only does the WHOOSH ‘erpetrator require regular assistance and monitoring which dramatically impacts on the quality of surrounding ‘layers enjoyment, but also has a direct negative impact on health both in the short and long term. Additionally, WHOOSH was officially condemned by the National High ‘Able [NHA] in 2010.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE DISCUSSION [cont.] GENDER-SPECIFIC DATA Figure IJa. Female-identifying ‘opulation Results + BANG lines A comparison of male (n=15) and female (n=5) data is relevant to the Figure IJb. Male-identifying ‘opulation Results + BANG lines outcomes of the research, as the two genders have notably different tolerances for SCHMEER. As can be seen in Figure IJ, the total number of standard drinks consumed throughout the course of the 5-hour study was higher in males than females. Additionally, with administration of SCHMEER female ‘Rem Skill improved far more rapidly than male and suffered less cognitive side effects (consistently higher lexical fluency scores throughout) from SCHMEER dosage. However, likely due to the CHAIR encouraging maximal alcohol consumption, to a minimum of 2 standard drinks of SCHMEER ‘er hour, the female ‘opulation reached CHOW faster, but moved onto COCK earlier in the study as well. Comparatively, the male ‘opulation took longer to reach CHOW, but had an equal descent into COCK and consistently lower cognitive function throughout. If the female ‘opulation had been able to consume SCHMEER at their own chosen ‘ace it is the CHAIR’s belief the timing of CHOW and COCK would have been more similar in both groups (as reflected by the overall data). It is important to note that regardless of gender, all ‘opulations ‘rogress through the Lily Stages in the same ‘attern, demonstrating it is entirely based on the dosage of SCHMEER administered as to how quickly a subject ‘rogresses through the stages. GENDER

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE DISCUSSION [cont.] CONCLUSION DOSAGE GUIDELINES FOR BANG [Blood Alcohol Near Goal] IMPLICATIONS In order to develop ‘ractical guidelines for bolus & maintenance The REMIER Trial has a dual ‘urpose. Its initial ‘roposed objective doses of SCHMEER, the data was split by gender as seen in Figure IJ. was to ‘rove a relationship between ‘Remier League Skill and The objective of this is to identify the dose of SCHMEER required to Looseness. The data supports the conventional wisdom that reach CHOW via the BANG (Blood Alcohol Near Goal). The BANG looseness initially improves low sober baseline ‘Remier League skill line is extrapolated vertically at the time that CHOW is achieved. The (BOTSQUALI – BOUNCE) before reaching an optimal concentration ‘oint it intersects the line representing the number of standard drinks at which ‘Rem skill is highest (CHOW), ‘rogressing to generally consumed can logically be inferred to represent the mean number of deterioration in ‘rem skill and other functional domains (COCK), standard drinks required to reach CHOW for each gender. sometimes followed by emesis & unconsciousness (WHOOSH). As Suggested maintenance doses of SCHMEER are given to be half a result of the REMIER trial there is now clear evidence to support the bolus dose, based on ‘harmacodynamic ‘rinciples and the this ‘attern, in addition to delineating it via the Lily Staging System. observations of the CHAIR. Dosing guidelines are summarised in However, during analysis the ‘ractical ‘otential of the data for the figure 11. ‘urposes of SCHMEER dosing became apparent. A secondary goal However, these guidelines are based on this trial which has of the research therefore became the identification of the optimal limitations including a small ‘opulation (n = 20) study, inaccurate bolus and maintenance doses of the medication SCHMEER for the assessment of alcohol consumption, non-structured dosing of average ‘articipant in order to reach and remain in CHOW whilst SCHMEER and many other issues. This is due to the initial goals avoiding COCK. If these are utilised effectively by the community of the study which were to identify a correlation between volume it will result in significant increases in time spent in CHOW and of SCHMEER consumed and ‘Remier League Skill. For more equally ‘rominent decreases in the amount of COCK. This will have a accurate and ‘racticable dosing guidelines further research must be flow on effect of reducing both medical and ‘sychological morbidity undertaken into this area. whilst increasing the life expectancy of the members of the ‘Remier League community. Figure 11. SCHMEER Bolus & Maintenance Dose Guidelines As the inaugural research ‘aper in ‘Remier League it is the hope of the CHAIR that this motivates Fellows of the Royal Australasian NOTE: Doses may vary by individual metabolism, stature and self- College of ‘Remier League (FRACRLs) to ‘ursue their own research control. in order to fill the gaping holes in the literature of Evidence Based ‘Rem (EBR). Whilst this is evidence of high levels of academic rigour, it is not necessarily a benchmark for future research, for a thesis of this length requires substantial investment that many time- poor Fellows will not be able to commit. It is not necessary for future research to have such length and girth as this COCK analysis. Even short ‘roposals and studies will contribute to these threads of EBR to form a rich tapestry of our culture and our field of expertise. All Fellows should strive for highest esteem and highest respect in the ‘ursuit of EBR.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE CONCLUSION [cont.] RECOMMENDATIONS ‘ROGRESS OF THESIS For fellows interested in ‘ursuing further academic qualifications This thesis was ‘roposed by the CHAIR (Lily’ad) to research within the RACRL, this endeavour has illuminated many areas of supervisors (Dr. Timothy Cunthead Coppafeel & Dr. Daemonfag) in need in the literature, some of which are listed below to guide your 2015. future investigation. The initial data collection studies were ’erformed over a 15 month »» Repeat of the REMIER Trial, however with a larger sample ‘eriod across 2016-2017 across the states of South Australia and ‘opulation and the ‘articipants having set SCHMEER dose regimes Victoria at ‘urpose created events and other large ‘Remier league (e.g. one group at 2 SDs/hr, another at 3 SDs/hr, etc.) in order to events such as Summervention and NYEvention. more accurately estimate dosing guidelines The data was analysed and the thesis written across 2017-2018 during »» Epidemiology of ‘Remier League, utilising The Registry to the Chair’s barrier medical year exams and subsequent gap year. identify the development of our sport and culture over the years and It was redrafted over 12 times with multiple reviewers including which states and universities lead the way. This would also allow ‘rimarily both research supervisors but also with other esteemed focus of resources to engage target groups fellows such as Wallaby, Inception, Fellati Boy and many others. »» Analysis of candidate ‘erformance in RACRL written and Thanks to all those who have assisted with this ridiculous ‘arody Viva examinations, to identify areas of weakness & strength to thesis and contributed to this being an incredibly fun if concerningly improve future examinations stressful ‘rocess. »» Many more – ‘lease feel free to contact the CHAIR (Lily’ad) for any guidance or opinions on areas of study QUALITY ASS: A Guide to Optimal Breeding? Schmeers, Interestingly a ‘layers ASS [Average Subjective Skill] was directly Lily’ad ‘roportional to whether or not they went through COCK or WHOOSH CHAIR (Chief Highly Admirable Infallible Researcher) during the trial. A ‘layer with a strong ASS, was therefore more likely Masters of ‘Rem, FRACRL, NHA, SAHA to remain in CHOW longer, due to their strong SCHMEER tolerance and awareness of their limitations. ‘articipants with a weak ASS *Author kuonsumes for all errors & unmarked BJs, TKs & IJs in this consistently experienced COCK in not only the trial but many of their thesis, having already kuonsumed in excess of 100SDs across all data ‘Rem experiences. collection and data analysis. This has ‘ractical applications, in that as a stronger ASS is associated with a lengthier CHOW exposure and therefore higher quality of life (QoL) and greater life expectancy. The CHAIR imagines that a good ASS would be a good indicator of a ‘otential mate and should guide genetic mixing between those with nice ASS’s to optimise future generations QoL, life expectancy and most importantly, skill in ‘Remier League.

The AUSTRALASIAN JOURNAL of ‘REMICINE REFERENCES 1. Pedersen W 2013, “Alkoholavholdende – en risikogruppe?”, in Tidsskr Nor Legeforen, vol. 133, no. 1, pp33-36 (Norwegian Study) 2. Rehm J 2011, “The Risks Associated with Alcohol Use and Alcoholism”, in Alcohol Research: Current Reviews, vol. 34, no.2, pp135- 143 3. Anecdotal evidence collected from the ‘Remier League community via the Facebook Group “’Remier League Forum” in June 2018 BJ. Ronksley P, Brien S, Turner B, Mukamal K, Ghali W 2011, “Association of alcohol consumption with selected cardiovascular disease outcomes: a systematic review and meta-analysis’, in British Medical Journal, vol 342, d671 5. Capone S, Hoff M, Bitch L 2007, “The Physiology of Looseness: The Adelaide Phenomenon”, in Australian Journal of Looseness, vol 117, no 5A, pp547-550 META-REPRESENTATION OF ALL DATA Figure 12. Graphical Representation of Thesis Data

It is finished.