["chance\t of\t being\t effective.\t If\t you\t communicate\t your\t genuine\t concern\t for,\t and interest\t in,\t this\t person\t and\t your\t relationship\t with\t him,\t he\u2019ll\t receive\t your\t words the\tway\tyou\tintended. 2.\tPrivacy,\tPlease Always\t express\t yourself\t in\t private.\t Even\t if\t you\t feel\t that\t he\t wouldn\u2019t\t mind others\thearing\tyour\tcomments,\tdo\tit\tbehind\tclosed\tdoors. 3.\tAlways\tBegin\twith\tPraise First,\t emphasize\t the\t person\u2019s\t many\t good\t qualities\t and\t remarkable\t potential,\t to pave\t the\t way\t for\t him\t to\t hear\t your\t point\t with\t equanimity.\t When\t this\t person knows\t that\t you\t have\t genuine\t respect\t and\t appreciation\t for\t him\u2014perhaps\t even reverence\tor\tawe\u2014then\the\u2019ll\thear\tyour\tcomments\tin\ta\tway\tthat\tdoesn\u2019t\tengage his\t ego.\t For\t instance,\t \u201cYou\u2019re\t one\t of\t the\t most\t productive\t employees,\t and\t I\u2019m continually\tin\tawe\tof\thow\tyou\tdo\twhat\tyou\tdo.\tI\twas\tjust\twondering\tabout\u2026\u201d 4.\tDepersonalize\tthe\tImpact Comments\t and\t critiques\t should\t address\t the\t act,\t not\t the\t person.\t In\t other\t words, instead\t of\t saying,\t \u201cYou\u2019re\t incompetent\t or\t reckless,\u201d\t it\u2019s\t better\t to\t say,\t \u201cYou\u2019re such\t a\t wonderful\t person,\t and\t this\t behavior\t doesn\u2019t\t seem\t suited\t to\t someone\t of your\tprincipled\tcharacter.\u201d 5.\tAccidents\tHappen Don\u2019t\t assume\t or\t insinuate\t that\t this\t behavior\t is\t something\t that\t he\u2019s\t doing knowingly,\t consciously,\t or\t deliberately.\t If\t the\t situation\t allows,\t approach\t it\t as something\the\u2019s\tdoing\tunwittingly,\tor\teven\tunconsciously. 6.\tWe\u2019re\tIn\tThis\tTogether Share\t some\t of\t the\t responsibility,\t if\t you\t can.\t The\t approach\t of\t shared responsibility\t makes\t it\t you\t and\t him\t against\t this\t \u201cthing\u201d\u2014not\t you\t against\t him.","You\t might\t say\t something\t like,\t \u201cI\t should\t have\t been\t more\t specific\t when\t we covered\t this.\u201d\t This\t approach\t is,\t of\t course,\t more\t effective\t than\t \u201cI\t hate\t it\t when you\u2026\u201d\tOr\ttry,\t\u201cI\u2019m\thaving\ta\thard\ttime\twhen\tyou\u2026\u201d\trather\tthan,\t\u201cYou\thave\tno right\tto\u2026\u201d\tor\t\u201cBecause\tyou\tdon\u2019t\tcare\tenough\u2026\u201d 7.\tIdentify\tthe\tProblem,\tand\tPut\tEnergy\tinto\tthe\tSolution Expressing\t ourselves\t can\t be\t both\t empowering\t and\t cathartic,\t even\t when\t the other\t person\t is\t unable\t to\t fully\t understand\t what\t we\u2019re\t saying\t or\t how\t we\u2019re feeling.\t But\t if\t we\t are\t speaking\t out\t only\t to\t correct\t this\t person\u2019s\t behavior,\t then we\t want\t to\t be\t solution-oriented.\t If\t there\t is\t no\t answer,\t then\t you\t should\t never have\t brought\t it\t up\t in\t the\t first\t place,\t because\t it\t serves\t no\t purpose.\t And\t if\t you believe\t that\t no\t matter\t what\t you\t say,\t he\t won\u2019t\t take\t your\t advice,\t then\t it\u2019s\t also best\tnot\tto\tbring\tit\tup.\tIf\tyou\tdo,\tthen\tyou\tonly\tserve\tyour\town\tinterests,\tand\tyou won\u2019t\thelp\tthe\tsituation. 8.\tYou\u2019re\tNot\tAlone Criticism\tis\tmost\teffective\twhen\tyou\ttell\thim\tthat\the\u2019s\tnot\talone.\tIf\tyou\tconvey that\t whatever\t he\t has\t done\t or\t is\t doing\t is\t very\t common\t (and\t perhaps\t even something\tthat\tyou\u2019ve\tdone\tyourself),\tthis\tdiffuses\tthe\timpact\ton\this\tego,\tso\tthat he\twon\u2019t\ttake\tit\tso\tpersonally.\tAnd\tthat\u2019s\treally\tthe\treason\the\tmight\tbecome\tso offended.\t When\t we\t openly\t acknowledge\t our\t own\t faults\t to\t the\t person\t we criticize,\tour\thumility\tthen\tkeeps\tthe\tother\u2019s\tego\tfrom\tengaging.\tConversely,\tan attitude\tof\tself-righteousness\twill\tautomatically\tgalvanize\tthe\tother\u2019s\tego,\tand\the will\tlikely\tbecome\tdefensive. 9.\tSpeak\tSoftly\tand\tForget\tthe\tStick Be\t calm\t and\t pleasant.\t King\t Solomon\t stated,\t \u201cThe\t words\t of\t the\t wise,\t when spoken\t gently,\t are\t accepted.\u201d\t When\t these\t conversations\t take\t a\t turn\t for\t the worse,\tit\u2019s\tgot\tless\tto\tdo\twith\twho\u2019s\tright\tand\twho\u2019s\twrong,\tand\tmore\twith\tthe wrong\t tone\t of\t voice.\t Speaking\t softly\t and\t politely\t will\t help\t the\t person\t digest your\t message\t in\t the\t manner\t you\t intend.\t Relationship\t expert\t Dr.\t John\t Gottman reports,\t \u201cNinety-six\t percent\t of\t the\t time\t you\t can\t predict\t the\t outcome\t of\t a conversation\tbased\ton\tthe\tfirst\tthree\tminutes\tof\tthe\tfifteen-minute\tinteraction.\tA harsh\t startup\t dooms\t you\t to\t failure.\t The\t rule\t is,\t \u2018If\t it\t starts\t negative,\t it\t stays negative.\u2019\u201d5 10.\tFar\tand\tAway,\tThen\tBomb\u2019s\tAway","The\tbest\ttime\tto\tcriticize\tis\twhen\tyou\tare\tdistanced\tfrom\tthe\tevent\tin\tproximity and\tin\ttime.\tBeing\tremoved\tfrom\tthe\tenvironment\tand\tputting\ttime\tbetween\tthe event\t and\t your\t criticism\t produce\t quite\t different\t results\t from\t speaking\t up immediately.\t Although\t you\t may\t verbally\t assure\t the\t person\t that\t the\t criticism\t is no\t big\t deal,\t you\t don\u2019t\t convey\t that\t attitude\t by\t offering\t your\t observation\t in\t the moment.\tBy\twaiting\ta\tfew\tdays,\tyou\treduce\this\tego\tattachment\tto\tthe\tsituation, and\t he\t feels\t less\t sensitive\t to\t criticism.\t But\t the\t closer\t to\t the\t event\t (in\t both\t time and\t proximity)\t that\t you\t criticize,\t the\t more\t he\t identifies\t with\t his\t behavior,\t and the\tmore\tdefensive\the\twill\tbecome. Expressing\t our\t displeasure\t is,\t at\t times,\t required\t and\t beneficial\t for\t our emotional\t and\t physical\t health.\t Yet\t articulating\t our\t feelings\t isn\u2019t\t the\t same\t as unleashing\t a\t torrent\t of\t unrestrained\t anger.\t When\t an\t objective\t assessment dictates\tthat\twe\tshould\tspeak\tup,\tboth\tour\temotional\thealth\tand\tthe\trelationship can\t be\t enhanced.\t Yet\t without\t substance\t and\t sincerity\u2014much\t less\t calm\t and composure\u2014our\t words\t won\u2019t\t be\t productive\t to\t either\t the\t relationship\t or ourselves.\tDifficult\tpeople\tare\tnot\tin\tour\tlives\tto\tadd\tto\tour\twoes\tbut\tto\thelp\tus, and\twe\tneed\tto\trealize\tthis,\tor\tthey\twill\tkeep\tcoming\taround\tagain\tand\tagain\u2014 and\t so\t we\t might\t keep\t coming\t around,\t again\t and\t again.\t On\t a\t simple\t level,\t it\u2019s true\t that\t we\t should\t help\t others,\t but\t we\t must\t also\t understand\t the\t larger\t picture and\t ask\t ourselves\t the\t important\t question:\t \u201cWhat\t lesson\t can\t I\t learn\t from\t this person?\u201d\t While\t we\t remain\t in\t \u201cblame\t mode,\u201d\t we\t are\t not\t solution-oriented\t and therefore\tcan\u2019t\tsee,\tlet\talone\tinvestigate,\tways\tto\timprove\tthe\tsituation. \t\t\t\t\t\t* Note:\t Do\t you\t still\t have\t trouble\t seeing\t yourself\t as\t a\t healthy,\t assertive\t type? Chapter\t24\tshows\tyou\thow\tto\tliterally\trewire\tyour\tbrain\tnot\tonly\tto\tcontrol\tyour anger,\tbut\talso\tto\tturn\tpositive\tassertiveness\tinto\tyour\tsecond\tnature.","22 Successful\tRelationships\twith\tImpossible People Because\t our\t emotional\t health\t and\t the\t quality\t of\t our\t relationships\t are intertwined,\tit\u2019s\tbeneficial\tto\tdo\twhat\twe\tcan\tto\timprove\tour\trelationships,\teven with\t people\t who\t are\t burdensome.\t As\t we\t learned,\t this\t doesn\u2019t\t mean\t that\t you have\tto\tinclude\tevery\tdifficult\tperson\tin\tevery\taspect\tof\tyour\tlife,\tbut\tto\tremove your\t ego\t from\t the\t equation\t when\t dealing\t with\t such\t a\t person.\t The\t following principles\t describe\t how\t to\t change\t the\t foundation\t of\t a\t relationship\t and\t enhance the\t way\t you\t interact\t and\t communicate\t with\t another\t person,\t whether\t you\t are seeking\tto\timprove\ta\trelationship\twith\ta\tfriend,\tfamily\tmember,\tor\tcoworker. 1.\tR-E-S-P-E-C-T Aretha\t Franklin\t sang\t the\t truth!\t Many\t personality\t conflicts\t arise\t as\t a\t result\t of someone\tfeeling\tdisrespected.\tYou\tmay\thave\tunintentionally\tnot\tgiven\tsomeone your\tfull\tattention,\tor\tthey\tmisinterpreted\tsomething\tyou\tsaid\tor\tdid.\tAlthough\tit doesn\u2019t\t take\t much\t for\t a\t person\t with\t low\t self-esteem\t to\t imagine\t that\t a\t person doesn\u2019t\tlike\tthem,\tthis\tis\ttrue\tfor\tall\tof\tus,\tto\tsome\tdegree.\tThere\tare\taspects\tof ourselves\t that\t we\t dislike,\t and\t we\t project\t our\t own\t disdain\t with\t these\t qualities onto\t others.\t We\t believe\t (albeit\t unconsciously)\t that\t others\t must\t see\t these\t faults and\tdislike\tus\tas\twell. An\teffective\tway\tto\tshow\tsomeone\tthat\tyou\thold\tthem\tin\testeem\tis\tto\ttell\ta third\tparty,\tmaybe\ta\tmutual\tfriend,\twhat\tit\tis\tthat\tyou\tgenuinely\tlike\tand\trespect about\t this\t other\t person.\t Or\t you\t could\t commend\t this\t other\t person\t directly\t for something\tthey\thave\tdone,\tor\tfor\tsomething\tthey\tstand\tfor.\tOnce\tthe\tperson\tsees","your\tadmiration,\tthe\tbarriers\tof\thostility\twill\tbegin\tto\tbreak\tdown.\tAfter\tall,\tit\tis hard\tto\tdislike\tsomeone\twho\tnot\tonly\tlikes\tus\tbut\talso\trespects\tus. Have\t you\t ever\t had\t the\t experience\t of\t having\t someone\t whom\t you\t don\u2019t particularly\t like\t pay\t you\t a\t huge\t compliment\t or\t ask\t your\t advice\t about something?\tSuddenly\tyou\tfind\tyourself\tforced\tto\treevaluate\tyour\tfeelings\ttoward them\t to\t something\t more\t favorable.\t We\t would\t rather\t adjust\t our\t thinking\t about someone\t than\t believe\t that\t their\t high\t opinion\t of\t us\t is\t flawed.\t This\t form\t of appreciation\tis\tknown\tas\treciprocal\taffection.\tWe\ttend\tto\tlike\tsomeone\tonce\twe are\ttold\tthat\tthey\thave\tthe\tsame\tfeelings\tfor\tus.\tTo\tfurther\tthis,\tavoid\tgestures\tor comments\t that\t indicate\t a\t lack\t of\t respect.\t Specifically,\t when\t someone\t is speaking\t to\t you,\t give\t them\t your\t undivided\t attention.\t Being\t half-listened\t to,\t or more\t accurately,\t being\t half-ignored,\t does\t not\t cultivate\t warm\t feelings.\t Perhaps you\u2019ve\t had\t the\t experience\t of\t conversing\t with\t someone\t at\t an\t event\t when\t you suddenly\tbecome\taware\tthat\ttheir\teyes\tare\troving\tthe\troom\tbehind\tyou,\teven\tas they\u2019re\t listening\t to\t you.\t Listening\u2014really\t listening\u2014is\t about\t respect.\t It\t might seem\t trivial,\t but\t this\t type\t of\t consideration\t for\t another\t person\u2019s\t honor significantly\t impacts\t a\t relationship.\t Imagine\t having\t a\t conversation\t with someone\tand\ttheir\tphone\trings,\tbut\tthey\tchoose\tnot\tto\tanswer\tit.\tAnd\twhen\tyou say,\t\u201cDo\tyou\tneed\tto\tget\tthat?\u201d\tthey\tsimply\tsay,\t\u201cDon\u2019t\tworry\tabout\tit.\tI\u2019m\tonly interested\tin\ttalking\tto\tyou\tright\tnow.\u201d\tWouldn\u2019t\tthis\tmake\tyou\tfeel\tgood? 2.\tLet\tThem\tGive\tto\tYou We\t tend\t to\t believe\t that\t the\t way\t to\t get\t people\t to\t like\t us\t is\t to\t do\t nice\t things\t for them.\t Although\t this\t is\t true,\t people\t actually\t like\t us\t even\t more\t when\t they\t do something\t for\t us.\t This\t is\t due\t to\t the\t following\t two\t reasons:\t (1)\t Whenever\t we invest\u2014time,\t money,\t attention\u2014into\t anything,\t particularly\t a\t person,\t we\t care more\tabout\tand\tfeel\tmore\tconnected\tto\tthe\trecipient\tof\tour\tgiving.\t(2)\tWhen\twe allow\tothers\tto\tgive,\tthey\tfeel\tbetter\tabout\tthemselves\tbecause\tgiving\treinforces the\tfeeling\tthat\tthey\tare\tin\tcontrol\tand\tindependent. There\tis\tno\tgreater\tway\tto\tbond\twith\tsomeone\tthan\tby\tallowing\tthem\tto\tbe\ta part\t of\t your\t life\t and\t give\t to\t you.\t Ask\t a\t person\t for\t advice\t and\t input\t whenever you\tthink\tthey\tmight\thave\tsomething\tworthwhile\tto\tcontribute. 3.\tShow\tYour\tHuman\tSide","You\tshould\tnever\tbe\tafraid\tof\tresponsibly\topening\tup\tto\tthe\tpeople\tin\tyour\tlife. When\tyou\tshow\tyour\tvulnerability,\ta\twall\tbetween\tyourself\tand\tthe\tother\tperson dissolves,\t and\t empathy\t emerges;\t that\t person\t is\t then\t driven\t to\t respond\t to\t your needs\tas\tif\tthey\twere\this\town.\tOften,\tin\tan\tattempt\tto\tget\tsomeone\tto\tlike\tus,\twe employ\twhat\tis\tcalled\tself-enhancement\tbehavior;\tthis\tis\twhen\twe\ttell\tand\tshow the\tother\tperson\thow\taccomplished\tand\twonderful\twe\tare,\tso\tthat\tthey\twill\tlike us.\tYet\tresearch\tclearly\tindicates\tthat\twhen\tyou\u2019re\tdealing\twith\ta\tperson\twho\tis insecure\t and\t feels\t threatened,\t self-deprecating\t behavior\t is\t the\t optimum approach.\t This\t would\t mean\t that\t you\t offer\t information\t about\t yourself\t that\t isn\u2019t flattering,\tbut\tthis\tadmission\tshows\thumility,\thonesty,\tand\ttrust\u2014three\ttraits\tthat help\tprovide\ta\tsuccessful\tresolution\tto\tany\tpersonality\tconflict. 4.\tRecognize\tThat\tLike\tAttracts\tLike Contrary\tto\tpopular\topinion,\tresearch\tin\thuman\tbehavior\tconfirms\tthat\topposites do\t not\t attract.1\t We\t may\t find\t some\t people\t interesting\t because\t of\t how\t different they\tare\tfrom\tus,\tbut\twe\tactually\tconnect\tmore\twith\tpeople\twho\tare\tsimilar\tto\tus and\thave\tsimilar\tinterests.\tAnalogous\tto\tthis\tlaw\tis\tthe\tprinciple\tof\tcomrades\tin arms.\t People\t who\t go\t through\t life-changing\t situations\t together\t tend\t to\t create\t a significant\t bond.\t For\t instance,\t soldiers\t in\t battle\t or\t those\t in\t fraternity\t pledge classes\twho\tget\thazed\ttogether\tusually\tdevelop\tstrong\tfriendships. It\u2019s\tfor\tthis\treason\tthat\ttwo\tpeople\twho\thave\tnever\tmet\tbut\twho\thave\tshared a\t similar\t previous\t experience\u2014whether\t it\u2019s\t an\t illness\t or\t winning\t the\t lottery\u2014 can\tbecome\tinstant\tfriends.\tWhen\tyou\tspeak\tto\tthis\tperson,\ttalk\tabout\twhat\tyou both\tenjoy\tand\twhat\tyou\thave\tin\tcommon. 5.\tShow\tGenuine\tEnthusiasm Psychologist\t Daniel\t Goleman\t writes:\t \u201cIt\t happens\t that\t smiles\t are\t the\t most contagious\t emotional\t signal\t of\t all,\t having\t an\t almost\t irresistible\t power\t to\t make other\tpeople\tsmile\tin\treturn.\u201d2\tSmiling\tat\tsomeone\tnot\tonly\thelps\tthem\tfeel\tgood about\tthemselves,\tbut\talso\tmakes\tyou\tfeel\tgood\tabout\tyourself.\tThe\timportance of\t immediately\t setting\t the\t right\t tone\t at\t the\t beginning\t of\t a\t conversation\t cannot be\t overstated.\t In\t every\t type\t of\t relationship,\t whether\t you\t are\t returning\t home\t to your\t spouse\t or\t greeting\t a\t coworker,\t those\t initial\t few\t moments\t together\t will dramatically\tshape\tthe\tquality\tof\tthe\trest\tof\tyour\tencounter. 6.\tSay\ta\tFew\tKind\tWords","6.\tSay\ta\tFew\tKind\tWords It\u2019s\tunfortunate,\tbut\tit\tseems\tthat\tin\tmany\tof\tour\trelationships,\tthe\tonly\ttime\twe say\t something\t nice\t is\t when\t we\u2019ve\t done\t something\t wrong.\t Be\t proactive\t from time\t to\t time;\t one\t kind\t word\t in\t the\t bank\t is\t worth\t a\t hundred\t after\t the\t fact.\t In research\texamining\tsixty-nine\tstudies\tabout\tinfluencing\timpressions\tand\tgetting a\tperson\tto\tlike\tus,\tthe\tmost\tsuccessful\ttactic\twas\tfound\tto\tbe\tsimply\tmaking\tthe other\tperson\tfeel\tgood\tabout\tthemselves,\twhether\tthrough\ta\tsincere\tcompliment or\t praise.\t The\t bottom\t line\t is\t that\t people\t crave\t feeling\t good\t about\t themselves, and\t most\t people\t are\t forced\t to\t rely\t on\t others\t to\t sustain\t them.\t One\t terrific\t and simple\tway\tto\timplement\tthis\twith\tthose\tclosest\tto\tus\tis\tto\texpress\tonce\tor\ttwice a\tday\u2014via\ttext,\temail,\tcall,\ta\tshort\tnote,\tor\tin\tperson\u2014your\tadmiration,\trespect, or\tappreciation\tfor\tsomething\tspecific. 7.\tBe\tan\tAlly If\tyou\tlearn\tthat\tsomeone\thas\tmade\ta\tmistake,\treassure\tthem\tthat\tit\tcould\thappen to\tanyone,\tand\ttell\tthem\tthey\tshouldn\u2019t\tbe\tso\thard\ton\tthemselves.\tWhatever\tyou do,\t don\u2019t\t criticize\t or\t condemn.\t In\t a\t situation\t where\t someone\t is\t having\t a disagreement,\t defend\t them\t when\t you\t believe\t there\u2019s\t merit\t to\t their\t side\t of\t the argument.\t And\t when\t the\t two\t of\t you\t have\t a\t disagreement,\t you\t don\u2019t\t win anything\t by\t proving\t that\t you\u2019re\t smarter\t than\t they\t are,\t whereas\t if\t you acknowledge\t that\t they\u2019ve\t made\t an\t insightful\t point,\t and\t validate\t their\t feelings, you\thave\teverything\tto\tgain,\teven\tif\tyou\tdisagree\twith\tthem. 8.\tEither\tSide\tof\tthe\tAisle Sometimes\t the\t source\t of\t conflict\t is\t rooted\t in\t something\t deeper:\t ideals. Objecting\t to\t a\t person\u2019s\t ideology\t does\t not\t usually\t give\t you\t the\t permission\t to sever\t the\t relationship,\t or\t to\t hate\t the\t other\t person.\t However,\t the\t reason\t the relationship\tsuffers\tis\tthe\tway\tthe\ttwo\tparties\ttreat\teach\tother\tas\ta\tresult\tof\tthis divide.\tInvariably,\twith\teach\tdisrespectful\tcomment\tor\tdisapproving\tglare,\teach side\tfeels\teven\tmore\tjustified\tin\tdisliking\tthe\tother.\tIt\tis\tthis\tcycle\tof\tdisrespect that\tgives\tway\tto\tingrained\thostility.\tThe\troot\tof\tthe\tconflict\tcould\tbe\ttolerable, even\t manageable,\t but\t because\t of\t the\t charged\t atmosphere,\t the\t two\t parties\t often","allow\t their\t relationship\t to\t deteriorate\t to\t the\t point\t of\t no\t return.\t Even\t if\t a\t great deal\tof\ttime\thas\tgone\tby,\tyou\tcan\tstill\treverse\tthe\tsituation\tby\tshowing\tcomplete respect\t despite\t the\t other\u2019s\t comments\t and\t attitude.\t This\t method\t engages\t two psychological\tprinciples: The\t first\t psychological\t phenomenon\t is\t the\t previously\t discussed\t cognitive dissonance.\tIf\tyou\u2019re\ttreating\ta\tperson\twell\tin\tspite\tof\thow\tbadly\tthey\u2019re\ttreating you,\t then\t they\t have\t to\t reconcile\t why\t they\u2019re\t being\t rude\t and\t intolerant\t to somebody\t who\t is\t kind\t and\t respectful.\t To\t resolve\t the\t contradiction,\t they\t will often\tbe\tforced\tto\tconclude\tthat\tyou\tmust\tbe\ta\tgood\tperson\twho\tholds\ta\tflawed belief,\t rather\t than\t a\t bad\t person\t who\t should\t be\t ignored.\t The\t second psychological\tphenomenon\tis\tguilt\treduction.\tStudies\tshow\tthat\ta\tperson\twill\tdo almost\t anything\t to\t eliminate\t feelings\t of\t guilt.\t When\t you\u2019re\t treating\t another person\t kindly\t but\t they\u2019re\t treating\t you\t poorly,\t they\t will,\t on\t some\t level,\t feel guilty.\t In\t order\t to\t reconcile\t these\t feelings,\t they\t will\t be\t inclined\t to\t change\t their behavior\tand\tbecome\tmore\ttolerant. Many\t people\t have\t friendships\t and\t relationships\t with\t people\t whose\t beliefs are\t fundamentally\t different\t from\t their\t own.\t The\t secret\t is\t to\t stay\t away\t from contentious\tsubjects.\tNot\tevery\tissue\tneeds\ta\tthorough,\tcomplete,\tand\tintensive investigation.\t If\t you\t want\t to\t find\t something\t else\t to\t argue\t about,\t you\t will\t have no\tshortage\tof\ttopics.","PART\tVII ADVANCED\tPSYCHOLOGICAL STRATEGIES\tTO\tLIVE\tANGER FREE","23 The\tPower\tof\tNeuroplasticity In\t the\t middle\t of\t a\t taxing\t circumstance,\t we\t might\t find\t it\t difficult\t to\t present\t a composed\t demeanor\u2014let\t alone\t to\t feel\t calm.\t But\t little\t by\t little,\t our\t capacity\t to do\t so\t develops.\t By\t choosing\t a\t different\t response\t to\t anger\t now,\t we\t can\t better control\tourselves\tthe\tnext\ttime\twe\tfeel\tprovoked. For\tmany\tyears,\tconventional\tthinking\tlikened\tthe\tmind\tto\ta\tsteam\tkettle,\tin which\tpressure\twould\tbuild\tuntil\tthe\tlid\tblew\toff.\tPsychologists\tthus\tencouraged people\t to\t release\t the\t buildup\t of\t pressure\t by\t venting\t their\t anger.\t Yet\t after extensive\tresearch\t on\tthe\tsubject,\tit\tturns\tout\tthat\texpressing\tanger\tis\tnot\tonly unproductive,\t but\t also\t destructive.\t \u201cWhen\t people\t vent\t their\t feelings aggressively\t they\t often\t feel\t worse,\t pump\t up\t their\t blood\t pressure,\t and\t make themselves\t even\t angrier.\u201d1\t Multiple\t experiments\t confirm\t that\t fits\t of\t rage\t are more\tlikely\tto\tintensify\tanger.2\tThis\thappens\tbecause\twe\tunconsciously\tvalidate our\t reaction\t by\t convincing\t ourselves\t that\t the\t situation\t requires\t our\t emotionally charged\t response.\t In\t turn,\t our\t anger\t flares,\t and\t our\t self-justification\t increases our\taggression.\tWhen\twe\thold\ton\tto\tanger,\twe\tsuffer;\tand\tthe\tmore\twe\tunleash it,\tthe\tmore\tit\tconsumes\tus. The\t name\t given\t to\t this\t phenomenon,\t facial\t feedback\t hypothesis,\t extends\t to all\t physical\t expressions\t (and\t falls\t under\t the\t principle\t of\t embodied\t cognition, which\t posits\t that\t thought\t is\t not\t merely\t influenced\t by\t physiology,\t but\t actually originates\t from\t it).\t In\t a\t series\t of\t studies,\t researchers\t asked\t subjects\t to\t look\t at disgusting\t images\t while\t hiding\t their\t emotions\t or\t while\t holding\t pens\t in\t their mouths\t in\t such\t a\t way\t to\t prevent\t them\t from\t frowning.\t A\t third\t group\t was\t given no\t instructions\t and\t told\t to\t react\t naturally.\t As\t expected,\t the\t subjects\t who restrained\t their\t emotional\t expression\t reported\t feeling\t less\t disgusted\t afterward than\tcontrol\tsubjects\tdid.3\tOur\tminds,\tseeking\tto\treconcile\tour\tbehavior\twith\tour emotional\tstate,\tconclude\tthat\thow\twe\texpress\tourselves\tmust\tbe\ta\tresult\tof\thow","we\tfeel\tabout\tthe\tsituation\t(or\tabout\twhatever\tbehavior\twe\u2019re\tengaging\tin). The\ttenet\tthat\tour\texternal\tactions\tmold\tour\temotional\tworld\tis\tat\tthe\troot\tof the\t psychological\t principle\t that\t \u201cthe\t outward\t act\t awakens\t the\t internal\u201d\t and \u201cminds\tare\tshaped\tby\tdeeds.\u201d\tAristotle\tis\tquoted\tas\tsaying,\t\u201cWe\tacquire\tvirtues by\t first\t having\t put\t them\t into\t action.\u201d\t Today,\t behavior\t therapy\t (also\t referred\t to as\tbehavior\tmodification\ttherapy)\tis\tbuilt\ton\tjust\tsuch\tan\tapproach.\tThis\ttype\tof therapy\t focuses\t on\t changing\t undesirable\t behaviors\t by\t identifying\t and substituting\t them\t with\t more\t positive\t and\t healthier\t behaviors.\t Not\t only\t is\t the symptom\tbeing\ttreated,\tbut\tthe\tbehavior\tmodification\tcan\talso\talter\tthe\tperson\u2019s personality\tfrom\tthe\toutside\tin. MIND\tYOUR\tBRAIN We\tare\tborn\twith\tonly\ttwo\tprimal\tfears:\tthe\tfear\tof\tfalling\tand\tthe\tfear\tof\ta\tloud, startling\t noise.\t Every\t other\t fear\t is\t learned.\t Our\t emotional\t response\t to\t any situation\tcan\tbe\trerouted\u2014for\tbetter\tor\tfor\tworse.\tWe\tfind\tan\tapt\tillustration\tin PTSD\t(post-traumatic\tstress\tdisorder),\ta\tsevere\tanxiety\tdisorder\tthat\tcan\tdevelop after\t a\t psychological\t trauma.\t A\t person\t who\t returns\t from\t war,\t for\t example,\t can suffer\tfrom\tsuch\tacute\tPTSD\tthat\tthe\tsound\tof\ta\thelicopter\tor\ta\tslamming\tdoor may\tcause\tsudden\tpanic\u2014because\tthe\tbrain\thas\tliterally\trewired\titself,\tbased\ton a\t false\t conclusion.\tIn\t such\t instances,\tadrenaline\t hijacks\t the\tbrain\t and\t redirects the\t perceived\t threat\t from\t the\t prefrontal\t cortex\t (the\t thinking\t brain)\t to\t the amygdala\t(the\tfear\tand\tanxiety\tresponse\tcenter).\tThis\tfear-based\tdisorder\tbears\ta striking\tsimilarity\tto\tan\tinstinctive\tangry\treaction.\tIn\tthe\tlatter,\tour\tego\tidentifies a\tthreat\tto\tour\temotional\tselves,\trather\tthan\tto\tour\tphysical\tselves,\tand\twe\tdon\u2019t think,\twe\tjust\treact. Recent\tdiscoveries\tin\tmolecular\tbiology\tprovide\tus\twith\tan\tunderstanding\tof the\t connection\t between\t behavior\t and\t circuits\t of\t the\t brain.\t While\t the\t mind creates\temotional\treactions,\tthese\tare\treinforced\tin\tthe\tbrain.\tFor\tinstance,\tif\twe become\t upset\t at\t someone\t who\t treats\t us\t impolitely,\t we\t will\t likely\t react\t more strongly\t the\t next\t time\t we\t encounter\t a\t similar\t situation,\t because\t the\t neural connection\tbetween\trude\tpeople\tand\tour\tanger\thas\tbeen\tstrengthened. Whatever\t we\t repeat\t strengthens\t the\t neuronal\t connections\u2014whether practicing\t a\t musical\t instrument,\t becoming\t angry,\t or\t remaining\t calm.\t Every brain\tcell\t(neuron)\tadapts\tto\tits\tsurroundings\u2014or,\tmore\tprecisely,\tto\tthe\tsignals the\tneuron\treceives\tfrom\tneighboring\tcells.\tWhen\ttwo\tneurons\tfire\trepeatedly\tat","the\tsame\ttime,\tthis\treinforces\tthe\tconnection\tbetween\tthem.\tHence,\tthe\tcommon idiom\tin\tbiology:\t\u201cNeurons\tthat\tfire\ttogether\twire\ttogether.\u201d\tIn\tfact,\tthis\tproves true\t for\t both\t emotional\t and\t physical\t responses\t to\t stimuli,\t as\t a\t study\t in Psychology\tToday\texplains: Just\tlike\tmuscles,\tbrain\tcircuits\tgrow\tstronger\twhen\twe\tuse\tthem\u2014great\twhen\tyou\u2019re\tlearning\tto\tplay the\tpiano,\tbut\tterrible\tin\tthe\tcase\tof\ta\tconstantly\taching\tjoint.\t\u201cPain\tpathways\tare\tlike\ta\ttrail\tin\tthe forest,\u201d\tsays\tGavril\tPasternak,\tdirector\tof\tmolecular\tneuropharmacology\tat\tMemorial\tSloan-Kettering Cancer\tCenter\tin\tNew\tYork\tCity.\t\u201cIf\tyou\thave\ta\tpath\tthat\tis\talready\tworn,\tit\tis\teasier\tto\tfollow\tand\tit becomes\tstrengthened.\u201d Through\tthe\tsame\tneurological\tprocess\tthat\tmakes\tyou\tgradually\tget\tbetter\tat\thitting\ta\tracquetball\tor driving\ta\tstick\tshift,\tyour\tbrain\t\u201cgets\tbetter\u201d\tat\tperceiving\tthe\tpain\u2014you\tbecome\tmore\tsensitive\tand more\tlikely\tto\tregister\ta\tpoke\tor\ta\ttwinge\tas\tpainful.\tEventually,\tpeople\twith\tchronic\tpain\tdisorders\tsuch as\tfibromyalgia\t(which\taffects\tjoints\tand\tsoft\ttissues)\tcan\tfind\teven\tmild\tsensations\tagonizing.\tImaging studies\treveal\twhat\u2019s\tgoing\ton:\tA\tgentle\ttouch\tcauses\tbrain\tareas\tthat\tprocess\tpain\tto\treact.\tSimilar findings\thave\tbeen\treported\tin\tpeople\twith\tunexplained\tchronic\tlower\tback\tpain.\tIt\u2019s\tnot\ta\tconscious process\u2014it\u2019s\tone\tway\tthe\tbrain\tnaturally\tresponds\tto\trepeated\tstimulation.4 Returning\t to\t our\t immediate\t discussion,\t learning\t a\t new\t response\u2014such\t as remaining\t calm\t when\t in\t the\t face\t of\t insult\t or\t when\t we\t feel\t otherwise disrespected,\t anxious,\t or\t out\t of\t control\u2014stimulates\t the\t associated\t neurons\t to grow\t extensions\t (dendrites)\t to\t connect\t with\t one\t another.\t (Dendrites,\t the branched\tprojections\tof\ta\tneuron,\tdeliver\tinformation\tto\tand\tfrom\tthe\tcell.)\tThe greater\tthe\tnumber\tof\tdendrites,\tthe\tfaster\tand\tmore\tsmoothly\twe\tcan\tunderstand related\t information\t and\t integrate\t what\t we\t learn\t into\t our\t knowledge\t base.\t We literally\t become\t smarter,\t more\t efficient,\t and\t more\t effective\t in\t this\t area.\t The inverse\t equally\t applies.\t Underused\t connections\t gradually\t deteriorate\t and eventually\t fade.5\t Using\t an\t electron\t microscope,\t we\t can\t even\t see\t how\t the inactive\tconnections\tin\tthe\tbrain\tgradually\tdisappear.6\tA\tperson\tcan\tthereby\tfuel the\t self-control\t coffers\t by\t maintaining\t control,\t or\t unwittingly\t deplete\t his capacity\tto\trestrain\thimself\twith\twillful,\trepeated,\tprolonged\toutbursts\tof\trage. HOW\tLONG\tDOES\tIT\tTAKE? Neural\t pathways\t are\t in\t constant\t motion.\t When\t a\t blind\t person\t compensates\t for his\tlack\tof\tsight\tby\tdeveloping\this\tsense\tof\ttouch\tto\tlearn\tBraille,\tthe\tborders\tof the\tbrain\tbegin\tto\trealign\tin\tjust\tminutes,\texpanding\tareas\tof\tthe\tcerebral\tcortex that\t control\t the\t index\t finger.7\t How\t long\t it\t takes\t to\t fully\t impress\t a\t new\t neural network\t depends\t on\t the\t intensity,\t duration,\t and\t frequency\t of\t both\t the established\t routine\t and\t the\t new\t replacement\t behavior.\t Conflicting\t conclusions exist,\t in\t part\t because\t we\t must\t consider\t a\t multitude\t of\t factors.\t Traditionally accepted\t findings\t state\t that\t constant,\t repetitive\t action\t reconfigures\t our\t brains","once\tthe\tneural\tpathways\tare\tbombarded\tfor\ttwenty-one\tconsecutive\tdays.\tMore recent\t research\t from\t the\t European\t Journal\t of\t Social\t Psychology\t finds\t that\t it takes,\t on\t average,\t sixty-six\t days\t of\t continuous\t activity\t to\t ingrain\t a\t new\t habit into\tour\tphysiology.\tThen,\twith\tsufficient\trepetition,\tthe\tnew\tbehavior\tbecomes automatic.\tStill,\tother\tresearch\tsuggests\tthat\tthe\tbrain\trequires\tfocused\trepetition for\t six\t months\t for\t neuroplasticity\t to\t effect\t complete\t change,\t so\t that\t we instinctively\t respond\t differently.\t However\t long\t it\t takes,\t this\t doesn\u2019t\t mean\t that we\twon\u2019t\texperience\tslipups\tafter\tthis\tpoint.\tYet\tit\tdoes\tmean\tthat\twe\twill\thave a\tphysiological\tadvantage\tin\tevery\tsituation\tright\tfrom\tthe\tstart. Anger\tbegets\tanger,\tand\tsilence\tbegets\tcalm.\tKing\tSolomon\tsaid,\t\u201cA\tgentle response\t turns\t away\t anger;\t a\t harsh\t response\t increases\t anger.\u201d8\t Most\t people traditionally\tinterpreted\tthis\tas\treferring\tto\tthe\tperson\twe\tspeak\tto,\tbut\tthe\tanger he\trefers\tto\tis\talso\tour\town.\tWe\tcan\tretrain\tour\tbrains\tby\testablishing\ta\tdifferent meaning\t for\t the\t situation\u2014an\t intellectual\t or\t cognitive\t approach,\t in\t which\t we ask\tourselves,\t\u201cWhat\tdoes\tthis\tmean?\u201d\tand\tcome\tto\tthe\tnon-ego-oriented\treality that\t we\t have\t spoken\t about\t in\t the\t first\t several\t sections.\t This\t then\t resets\t our emotional\t response.\t Another\t way\t we\t can\t retrain\t our\t brains\t is\t by\t forcing ourselves\t to\t go\t beyond\t aiming\t for\t a\t neutral,\t calm\t demeanor,\t and\t display\t the opposite\t behavior.\t If\t you\t recall\t the\t previously\t mentioned\t phenomena\t of\t facial feedback\t hypothesis,\t the\t very\t act\t of\t smiling\t sends\t the\t brain\t a\t message\t that\t the situation\t is\t nonthreatening\u2014not\t only\t that\t it\u2019s\t safe\t to\t relax,\t but\t also\t that\t we\u2019re already\t relaxed.\t In\t Chapter\t 27,\t we\t will\t examine\t a\t highly\t effective\t application for\tthis:\tto\tcalm\tourselves\tin\tthe\theat\tof\tthe\tmoment.","24 Change\tYour\tSelf-Concept,\tChange\tYour Life Self-esteem\treflects\thow\twe\tfeel\tabout\tourselves,\twhile\tthe\tself-concept\trefers\tto what\twe\tknow\tabout\tourselves.\tUp\tuntil\tnow,\twe\u2019ve\tfocused\ton\tincreasing\tself- esteem,\t but\t now\t we\u2019ll\t introduce\t a\t way\t for\t us\t to\t positively\t reshape\t the\t self- concept,\tand\trather\tthan\tchange\tthe\tlens\tthrough\twhich\twe\tview\tourselves,\twe\u2019ll change\twho\twe\tlook\tat. Researchers\tposed\tas\tsafety\tinspectors\tand\tasked\thomeowners\twhether\tthey would\tallow\tthe\tinspectors\tto\tplace\ta\tlarge\tDRIVE\tCAREFULLY\tsign\tin\ttheir\tfront yards.\t Only\t 17\t percent\t gave\t permission.\t Other\t residents,\t however,\t were\t first approached\twith\ta\tsmaller\trequest.\tThe\t\u201csafety\tinspectors\u201d\tasked\tthem\tto\thang\ta three-inch\t BE\t A\t SAFE\t DRIVER\t sign\t in\t a\t window.\t Nearly\t all\t homeowners immediately\tagreed.\tA\tfew\tweeks\tlater,\tthe\tinspectors\tasked\tthese\thomeowners to\tplace\tthe\tgigantic\tsign\ton\ttheir\tfront\tlawns.\tThis\tsame\tgroup\toverwhelmingly agreed\u201476\t percent\t consented\t to\t having\t the\t unsightly\t sign\t in\t their\t front\t yards.1 Why\t the\t radical\t discrepancy\t between\t the\t two\t groups?\t It\u2019s\t simple:\t Those\t who first\t agreed\t to\t the\t smaller\t request\t had\t reshaped\t their\t self-concept\t and\t now defined\t themselves\t as\t being\t serious\t about\t driver\t safety.\t Therefore,\t by\t agreeing to\t the\t larger\t request,\t they\t signified\t their\t ongoing\t internal\t commitment\t to\t the cause. Human\tbeings\tfeel\tdriven\tto\tact\tin\taccordance\twith\thow\tthey\tsee\tthemselves. Like\t a\t rubber\t band,\t we\t will\t stretch\t only\t so\t far\t before\t snapping\t back\t into\t our original\tposition.\tYet\trevising\tour\tself-concept\tdoesn\u2019t\thappen\tonly\tthrough\tour actions,\t but\t via\t the\t faculty\t of\t imagination.\t Visualization\t has\t an\t amazing\t ability to\t transform\t us\t because\t the\t subconscious\t mind\t can\u2019t\t distinguish\t between imagination\t and\t an\t actual\t happening.\t In\t fact,\t neuroscientists\t have\t identified","which\t parts\t of\t the\t brain\t light\t up\t when\t a\t person\t has\t a\t genuine\t experience\t and found\t that\t the\t same\t regions\t activate\t when\t the\t person\t simply\t imagines\t the experience. Visualization\tis\tso\tpotent\tthat\texperiments\tshow\tit\tproducing\tchanges\tin\tthe body\t as\t well\t as\t in\t the\t mind.2\t For\t instance,\t our\t muscles\t gain\t similar\t strength whether\t we\t actually\t do\t an\t exercise\t or\t merely\t visualize\t ourselves\t doing\t it.\t One study\t found\t that\t if\t participants\t imagine\t doing\t finger\t exercises,\t their\t strength increased\t by\t an\t average\t of\t 22\t percent.\t By\t comparison,\t another\t test\t group\t that actually\t physically\t did\t the\t same\t regimen\t increased\t their\t strength\t by\t an\t average of\t30\tpercent.3 Repetitive\t action\t patterns\t also\t have\t long-term\t neural\t consequences. Scientists\thave\tobserved\tthese\teffects\tat\tthe\tcellular\tand\tthe\tsystemic\tlevel,\teven extending\t to\t the\t motor\t cortex,\t the\t muscles\t that\t people\t imagined\t exercising, along\twith\trelated\tmuscles.\tSixty\tstudies\ton\tthe\tpower\tof\tmental\timagery\tshow that\tthe\teffect\twas\tleast\tsignificant\ton\tstrict\tstrength\ttests,\tbetter\tfor\tmotor\ttasks, and\t best\t of\t all\t for\t performance\t with\t a\t mental\t component\u2014most\t notably,\t to exercise\tcontrol\tover\tour\tanger.4 We\t don\u2019t\t need\t to\t wait\t for\t a\t challenging\t situation\t to\t occur\t and\t then\t rely\t on sheer\t will\t to\t overcome\t our\t emotional\t reaction.\t If\t we\t imagine\t ourselves responding\tin\ta\tcertain\tway,\tit\treshapes\tour\tself-concept\tand\tproduces\tthe\tsame changes\t in\t the\t brain\t that\t the\t actual\t behavior\t does.\t Mentally\t rehearsing\t a\t calm, patient\t response,\t for\t instance,\t will\t help\t our\t brain\t reset\t itself\t and\t can\t accelerate our\t ability\t to\t maintain\t self-control,\t even\t under\t the\t most\t daunting\t of circumstances. We\t can\t also\t benefit\t by\t reflecting\t on\t actual\t or\t imagined\t instances\t when\t we displayed\t a\t particular\t trait.\t A\t mental\t peculiarity\t called\t availability\t heuristics shows\t that\t people\t often\t base\t their\t self-concept\t on\t availability,\t or\t how\t easily they\t can\t bring\t information\t to\t mind.\t For\t instance,\t if\t we\t could\t think\t of\t several times\t when\t we\t acted\t calmly\t and\t could\t recall\t these\t events\t quickly,\t then\t we would\tsee\tourselves\u2014at\tthat\tmoment\u2014as\tsomeone\twith\tself-control.\tHowever, if\t we\t had\t difficulty\t recalling\t ever\t being\t in\t a\t calm\t state,\t we\t would\t feel\t that\t we characteristically\treact\tanxiously\tor\tangrily.\tFor\tthis\treason,\tsome\tpeople\thave\ta warped\t perspective\t of\t themselves.\t They\t have\t a\t computer-like\t memory\t for remembering\t their\t failures\t and\t mistakes\t in\t life,\t so\t they\t see\t themselves\t as failures.\t Even\t if\t our\t triumphs\t far\t outweigh\t our\t mistakes,\t what\t we\t readily remember\twill\tdictate\thow\twe\tsee\tourselves. We\tcan\taccomplish\tsomething\telse\tby\tusing\tthis\ttechnique:\tWe\tcan\tbecome","more\tat\tease\tin\tasserting\tourselves.\tBy\trehearsing\tthose\ttimes\twhen\twe\tstood\tup for\t ourselves\t and\t expressed\t our\t thoughts\t in\t a\t calm\t and\t clear\t way,\t our\t memory will\t be\t flush\t with\t these\t scenarios,\t and\t our\t self-concept\t will\t shape\t itself\t around this\t persona\t and\t prime\t us\t to\t behave\t in\t this\t way.\t Simply\t recall\t five\t to\t seven times\tthat\tyou\tasserted\tyourself\tand\tstring\tthem\ttogether\tto\tcreate\ta\tvivid\tsixty- second\t \u201cmovie\t trailer\u201d\t that\t you\t can\t play\t in\t your\t head\t several\t times\t throughout the\tday,\tand\tat\tthose\ttimes\twhen\tyou\tneed\ta\tturbo\tboost\tof\tassertiveness. THE\tCOST\tAND\tTHE\tCONSEQUENCES The\t most\t valuable\t way\t to\t use\t visualization\t is\t not\t simply\t to\t uproot\t individual traits,\t but\t to\t acquire\t the\t habit\t of\t stopping,\t thinking,\t and\t feeling\t the consequences\tof\tour\tconduct\u2014to\tfully\tabsorb\twhere\tour\tchoices\twill\tlead\tus.\tIf we\twant\tto\tcontrol\tour\tanger,\twe\twant\tto\tget\treal.\tWe\tmust\trecognize\twhat\u2019s\tat stake,\tand\tpermit\tourselves\tto\tfeel\tthe\tunadulterated\tpain\tof\tthe\twrong\tchoice\u2014 as\twell\tas\tthe\tpurity\tand\tpleasure\tof\tchoosing\tresponsibly.\tAs\twe\tmove\tbeyond rational\t arguments\t about\t long-term\t costs\t and\t benefits,\t it\u2019s\t essential\t that\t we immerse\tourselves\tin\tthe\ttravesty\tof\tthe\ttrade-off\tand\tthe\tactual\tharm\tto\tus\tand to\tour\tloved\tones. We\t need\t to\t vividly\t imagine\t the\t painful\t consequences\t and\t become\t realistic about\t what\t our\t behavior\t has\t cost\t us\t thus\t far.\t We\t must\t visualize\t what\t our\t lives will\tlook\tlike\u2014in\tfive\tyears,\tin\tten\tyears,\tor\tin\told\tage\u2014if\twe\tdon\u2019t\tchange\tour ways.\t We\t should\t also\t reflect\t deeply\t on\t how\t we\t will\t feel\t about\t ourselves\t and how\tdifferent\tour\tlives\tcan\tbe\tif\twe\tbecome\tanger\tfree. The\tresearch\tis\tdefinitive.\tIn\this\tbook\tWe\tHave\tMet\tthe\tEnemy:\tSelf-Control in\tan\tAge\tof\tExcess,\tDaniel\tAkst\twrites,\t\u201c\u2026\twhat\tmatters,\twhen\tit\tcomes\tto\tself- control,\tis\tnot\tso\tmuch\twillpower\tas\tvision\u2014the\tability\tto\tsee\tthe\tfuture,\tso\tthat the\t long-run\t consequences\t of\t our\t short-run\t choices\t are\t vividly\t clear.\t In\t that sense,\t our\t shortcomings\t in\t this\t arena\t are\t really\t failures\t of\t imagination.\u201d5 Drenching\t ourselves\t with\t total\t awareness\t of\t the\t consequences\t is\t a\t powerful remedy\tfor\timpulsiveness.6 Yet\tconsequences\tmatter\tto\tus\tonly\tif\twe\tmatter\tto\tourselves.\tStrategies\tcan help\tus\texercise\tself-restraint,\tbut\tthe\tonly\tway\tto\trouse\tour\temotional\tforces\tis to\tremind\tourselves\tthat\twe\thave\ta\thigher,\tmore\tnoble\tpurpose.7\tReaffirming\tour core\tvalues\u2014knowing\twhat\twe\tare\tliving\tfor\tand\twho\twe\tare\t(a\tsoul,\tnot\ta\tbody or\tan\tego)\u2014is\tthe\tstrongest\tfactor\tin\treplenishing\tstrength\tof\twill.8","25 Taking\tAdvantage\tof\tthe\tMind\/Body Connection Anger\tinhibits\tour\tability\tto\tsee\tclearly\t(because\tthe\tego\tdistorts\tour\tperspective) and\t our\t ability\t to\t intellectually\t process\t information\t (due\t to\t the\t impact\t of elevated\t cortisol\t levels).\t Moreover,\t coping\t with\t any\t kind\t of\t stress\t depletes\t our willpower,\t and\t a\t chaotic\t mind\t and\t tense\t nervous\t system\t strain\t our\t efforts\t to maintain\tour\tcalm,\tregardless\tof\tour\tfinest\tintentions.1\tCommon\tsense\ttestifies\tto the\tconclusion\tof\tinnumerable\tstudies:\tThe\tcalmer\twe\tare\tin\tordinary\ttimes,\tthe easier\t it\t is\t for\t us\t to\t control\t our\t anger\t in\t difficult\t times.\t The\t following physiological\t factors\t are\t highly\t beneficial\t in\t reducing\t our\t overall\t stress\t and anxiety\tlevel. MEDITATION One\t effective\t way\t to\t relax\t the\t nervous\t system\t is\t through\t meditation,\t which, interestingly,\thas\tdeep\troots\tin\talmost\tevery\tmajor\treligion\tor\tspiritual\tpractice. While\t a\t variety\t of\t effective\t stress-management\t strategies\t can\t help\t us\t exercise self-control,\tmeditation\thas\tproved\tto\tbe\tespecially\tuseful,\tand\tyou\tcan\tenjoy\tthe dividends\t remarkably\t fast.2\t Studies\t show\t that\t people\t who\t meditated\t for\t about thirty\t minutes\t a\t day\t for\t eight\t straight\t weeks\t had\t noticeable\t increases\t in\t gray- matter\t density\t in\t the\t prefrontal\t cortex.\t At\t the\t same\t time,\t MRI\t brain\t scans showed\t a\t reduction\t of\t gray\t matter\t in\t the\t amygdala,\t a\t region\t responsible\t for anxiety\tand\tstress. More\t than\t one\t thousand\t independent\t scientific\t studies\t conducted\t at\t two hundred\t universities\t and\t institutions\t in\t twenty-seven\t countries,\t published\t in","leading\tscientific\tjournals,\tattest\tto\tthe\tpsychological\tand\tphysiological\tbenefits of\t meditative\t practice.\t Herbert\t Benson,\t M.D.,\t a\t professor\t of\t medicine\t at Harvard\tMedical\tSchool\twho\thas\tauthored\tor\tcoauthored\tmore\tthan\t170\tpapers, reports\t that\t frequent\t meditation\t reduces\t the\t level\t of\t anxiety,\t worry,\t and unconstructive\t thoughts\t and\t fears,\t as\t well\t as\t increasing\t the\t individual\t level\t of happiness.3\t He\t writes,\t \u201cMeditation\t induces\t a\t host\t of\t biochemical\t and\t physical changes\t in\t the\t body\t collectively\t referred\t to\t as\t the\t \u2018relaxation\t response.\u2019\t The relaxation\t response\t includes\t changes\t in\t metabolism,\t heart\t rate,\t respiration, blood\t pressure,\t and\t brain\t chemistry.\u201d4\t Other\t findings\t show\t that\t meditation promotes\t overall\t psychological\t health,\t with\t benefits\t that\t include\t enhanced confidence\t and\t greater\t self-control,\t empathy,\t and\t self-actualization,\t as\t well\t as decreased\tanger\tin\thigh-intensity\tsituations.5 BREATHING\tMEDITATION\tIN\t5\tQUICK\tAND\tEASY\tSTEPS Breathing\tis\tmost\teffective\tbecause\tit\tis\tamong\tthe\tfew\tbiological\tprocesses\tthat are\tinvoluntary\tand\tunconscious\tand\tyet,\twe\tcan\teasily\talter\tit\tthrough\tconscious thought\u2014thus\t creating\t a\t bridge\t between\t the\t unconscious\t and\t the\t conscious minds.\t In\t time,\t this\t helps\t us\t gain\t control\t over\t untamed\t and\t unwelcomed thoughts\tand\tfeelings.\tHere\tare\tthe\tbasic\tsteps: Step\t1:\tMake\tthe\tatmosphere\tconducive.\tYou\tcan\tstep\tout\tand\tfeel\tthe\twarmth of\tsunlight\tor\tgo\tfor\ta\tdarkened\troom.\tLook\tfor\ta\tquiet\tand\tserene\tplace\tthat\tis completely\t free\t of\t distractions\t or\t just\t from\t extraneous\t noise.\t This\t could\t be\t an extra\troom\tin\tyour\thouse,\tthe\twoods,\tor\tanywhere\tthat\tis\ttranquil. Step\t2:\tTake\ta\tcomfortable\tposition.\tThe\ttraditional\tcross-legged\tlotus\tposition is\t fine\t but\t unnecessary.\t The\t objective\t is\t to\t be\t comfortable\t and\t to\t assume\t a position\t that\t will\t not\t make\t your\t body\t ache\t or\t cause\t distractions\t during\t your breath\tmeditation.\tThe\tsimplest\tposition\tis\tto\tsit\tin\ta\tcomfortable\tchair\twith\tyour feet\tflat\ton\tthe\tfloor,\thands\tresting\ton\tyour\tlap\tor\tarmrests. Step\t 3:\t Start\t by\t slowly\t breathing\t in\t through\t your\t nose\t and\t out\t through\t your mouth.\t Each\t breath\t in\t should\t be\t held\t for\t about\t four\t to\t six\t seconds\t and\t then slowly\t released.\t Be\t mindful\t of\t your\t breath,\t how\t it\t feels\t as\t you\t inhale,\t then\t as you\thold\tit,\tand\tthen\tas\tyou\tslowly\texhale.\tAfter\tfive\tminutes\tor\tso\tmove\ton\tto the\tnext\tstep. Step\t 4:\t Now\t breathe\t effortlessly\t without\t any\t interest\t in\t managing\t the\t pace\t or rhythm.\tYour\tattention\tis\tstill\ton\tyour\tbreath,\tbut\tdo\tnot\tbe\tconcerned\twith\thow","and\t when\t to\t breathe\t in\t or\t out.\u2026\t Just\t breathe\t comfortably,\t naturally.\t It\t is inevitable\t that\t your\t mind\t will\t wander\t and\t thoughts\t will\t enter,\t and\t that\u2019s\t okay. Whenever\t you\t become\t aware\t that\t your\t attention\t has\t drifted,\t gently\t turn\t your focus\tback\tonto\tyour\tbreath. Step\t5:\tAfter\tfifteen\tor\ttwenty\tminutes\t(or\teven\tafter\tjust\ta\tfew\tminutes,\tif\tyou are\tpressed\tfor\ttime),\tend\tyour\tbreath\tmeditation\tsession\tby\tslowly\topening\tyour eyes\tand\ttaking\ta\tmoment\tor\ttwo\tto\tacclimate\tto\tyour\tsurroundings. ADRENALINE\tAND\tEXERCISE Caffeine\t activates\t the\t body\u2019s\t fight-or-flight\t response,\t triggering\t the\t release\t of adrenaline\tand\tcortisol\tjust\tas\tit\twould\tfor\tany\tstressful\tsituation.\tIndirectly,\tyet equally\t injurious,\t is\t the\t role\t of\t glucose.\t When\t we\t eat\t foods\t high\t in\t sugar\t or refined\t carbohydrates,\t blood\t sugar\t spikes\t and\t then\t sharply\t decline,\t which\t then stimulates\t the\t adrenals\t to\t regulate\t blood\t sugar\t levels.\t While\t the\t cumulative effect\t can\t wreak\t havoc\t on\t the\t nervous\t system,\t the\t immediate\t impact\t is staggering.\t A\t Yale\t University\t study\t found\t that\t a\t single\t serving\t of\t a\t sugar- sweetened\t beverage\t caused\t adrenaline\t levels\t to\t double\t in\t adults\t and\t quadruple in\t children.\t Recent\t studies\t also\t show\t that\t those\t who\t suffer\t from obsessive\/compulsive\tdisorder\t(OCD),\tpanic\tattacks,\tand\tanxiety\tmay\tfind\trelief with\ta\tdiet\tlow\tin\trefined\tsugars\tand\tsimple\tcarbohydrates.\tOur\tdiet\tis\timportant for\t another,\t unrelated\t reason.\t Anger-prone\t moments\t require\t the\t mental\t muscle of\tself-control\tor\twillpower,\twhich,\tmuch\tlike\tphysical\tmuscle,\tutilizes\tglucose.6 Findings\t show\t that\t we\t are\t most\t susceptible\t to\t losing\t our\t temper\t when\t glucose levels\t are\t low\t or\t not\t metabolized\t properly.7\t A\t diet\t rich\t in\t complex carbohydrates,\t healthy\t fats,\t and\t proteins\t helps\t to\t reduce\t the\t fluctuation\t of glucose\tlevels,\tand\tthus\ttilts\tphysiology\tin\tour\tfavor. The\tstress-reducing\teffects\tof\tphysical\tactivity\tare\twell-documented\tin\tcross- sectional\t studies.\t Regarding\t anger\t specifically,\t Dr.\t Nathaniel\t Thom,\t a\t leading stress\t physiologist,\t finds\t that\t \u201cexercise,\t even\t a\t single\t bout\t of\t it,\t can\t have\t a robust\t prophylactic\t effect\u201d\t against\t the\t buildup\t of\t anger.8\t Prudence,\t however,\t is advised,\t as\t a\t worldwide\t study\t published\t in\t the\t American\t Heart\t Association\u2019s journal\t Circulation\t cautions\t that\t a\t person\t should\t not\t exercise\t while\t they\t are angry\tbecause\tit\tcan\ttriple\tthe\trisk\tof\ta\theart\tattack\twithin\tthe\tfirst\thour.9 DEEP\tBREATHING\t&\tPROGRESSIVE\tMUSCLE\tRELAXATION","And\t we\u2019re\t back\t to\t breath.\t As\t we\t noted,\t anger\t is\t directly\t associated\t with\t the fight-or-flight\t response,\t and\t deep\t breathing\t and\t muscle\t relaxation\t exercises outside\tof\ta\thigh-arousal\tsituation\tare\teffective\tat\treducing\tour\tanger\twithin\tthe situation.\t Notice\t how\t high-strung,\t nervous\t people\t carry\t themselves.\t Their bodies\t are\t often\t tense\t and\t stiff.\t The\t central\t nervous\t system\t is\t made\t up\t of\t our brain\t and\t spinal\t cord,\t and\t it\t is\t difficult\t to\t completely\t relax\t the\t mind\t unless\t we relax\t our\t physical\t selves\t as\t well.\t A\t daily\t five-minute\t breathing\t and\t muscle relaxation\troutine\twill\tbe\tbeneficial\tto\traising\tyour\toverall\tanger\tthreshold.\tLet\u2019s take\ta\tquick\tlook: DEEP\tBREATHING This\t highly\t effective\t technique\t can\t quickly\t relieve\t tension,\t increase oxygenation,\tand\trelease\ttoxins. Step\t 1:\t Find\t a\t quiet\t spot\t where\t you\t can\t either\t sit\t comfortably\t or\t lie\t down. Breathe\tnormally,\tfocusing\ton\tyour\tbreath. Step\t2:\tAfter\ta\tminute\tor\tso,\tinhale\tdeeply\tthrough\tyour\tnose,\tfilling\tyour\tlungs with\tair. Step\t 3:\t Once\t your\t lungs\t are\t full,\t slowly\t exhale\t through\t your\t mouth,\t with\t your attention\t on\t your\t breath.\t Continue\t to\t breathe\t in\t for\t about\t six\t seconds\t through your\tnose\u2014hold\tfor\tfour\tto\tsix\tseconds\u2014and\tbreathe\tout\tfor\tabout\tsix\tseconds through\tyour\tmouth,\tslowly.\tRepeat\tfor\tseveral\tminutes. Most\tof\tour\tbreathing\tis\tshallow\tand\tconstricted,\tso\tif\tyou\tare\tnot\tfamiliar\twith deep\t breathing,\t you\t may\t find\t it\t easier\t to\t practice\t lying\t down\t and\t to\t place\t your hand\t on\t your\t stomach;\t as\t you\t slowly\t inhale,\t expand\t your\t chest\t and\t abdomen and\tfeel\tyour\thand\trise\tand\tthen\tfall\twith\teach\texhale. PROGRESSIVE\tMUSCLE\tRELAXATION This\t exercise\t offers\t relief\t for\t a\t wide\t range\t of\t emotional\t and\t physiological ailments,\t as\t well\t as\t for\t overall\t stress\t reduction.\t Through\t practice\t we\t can\t better recognize\twhen\twe\tare\texperiencing\tphysical\ttension\tand\tlearn\tto\tquickly\trelax those\t muscles\t to\t ease\t the\t accompanying\t stress\t and\t anxiety.\t We\t start\t by\t slowly","tensing\tand\tthen\trelaxing\teach\tmuscle\tgroup\tand\tprogressively\tworking\tour\tway up\t the\t body.\t Here\t are\t the\t areas\t to\t focus\t on:\t a)\t each\t foot;\t b)\t each\t thigh;\t c) buttocks;\td)\tstomach;\te)\teach\thand;\tf)\teach\tarm\/bicep;\tg)\tneck\tand\tshoulders;\th) jaw;\tand\ti)\teyes\tand\tforehead. \u2022\u2005\u2005Find\t a\t quiet\t place\t to\t lie\t down\t and\t loosen\t any\t clothing\t that\t might\t prevent\t you\t from\t relaxing properly. \u2022\u2005\u2005Next,\t close\t your\t eyes\t and\t take\t a\t few\t deep\t breaths\t and\t begin\t to\t feel\t the\t tension\t flow\t out.\t Relax your\tjaw,\tyour\teyes,\tyour\tforehead,\tand\tslowly\tscan\tyour\tbody,\trelaxing\tthose\tareas\tthat\tare\ttense and\ttight,\tand\tlet\tyourself\tsink\tdown.\tThe\tentire\tfirst\tstep\tshould\ttake\tno\tmore\tthan\ttwo\tminutes. \u2022\u2005\u2005Now,\tfocus\ton\tyour\tright\tfoot.\tSlowly\tmove\tit\taround\tand\tnotice\thow\tthat\tfeels.\tTense\tyour\tfoot muscles\tgradually\tuntil\tyou\tfeel\tas\tthough\tthey\tare\tas\ttense\tas\tpossible\t(without\tcausing\tyourself pain),\tcount\tfor\tabout\tfive\tseconds,\tand\tthen\trelease\tthe\ttension\tslowly.\tNotice\thow\tlimp\tyour\tfoot feels. \u2022\u2005\u2005Relax\tfor\t30\tseconds,\tbreathing\tdeeply\tand\tslowly. \u2022\u2005\u2005Then\tplace\tyour\tattention\ton\tyour\tleft\tfoot.\tFollow\tthe\tsame\tpattern\tof\tgently\tmoving,\ttensing,\tand then\treleasing. \u2022\u2005\u2005Make\tsure\tto\ttake\t30\tseconds\tor\tso\tto\trelax\twith\tsome\tdeep\tbreaths\tbefore\tmoving\ton\tto\tyour\tcalf \u2014and\tin\tbetween\teach\tbody\tpart\u2014and\tthen\tprogress\tgradually\tup\tthrough\tyour\tbody,\tcontracting and\trelaxing\tthe\tmuscle\tgroups\talong\tthe\tway. WHOLESALE\tVISUALIZATION When\t you\t have\t the\t time,\t fold\t in\t this\t quick\t visualization\t exercise.\t Close\t your eyes\tfor\ta\tmoment,\tand\tget\tcomfortable.\tNow\timagine\tmoving\tthrough\tyour\tday anger\t free\t and\t the\t impact\t that\t has\t on\t various\t aspects\t of\t your\t life\t and relationships.\t What\t do\t you\t look\t like?\t How\t do\t you\t feel\t about\t things?\t What\t are you\tsaying\tto\tyourself?\tWhat\tis\tyour\tenvironment\tlike?\tHas\tit\tchanged? Who\tare\tthe\tpeople\tyou\tare\tsurrounded\twith?\tHow\tare\tthey\tlooking\tat\tyou? What\t are\t they\t saying\t to\t you?\t How\t do\t you\t react\t and\t interact\t with\t them?\t Now take\t a\t moment\t and\t step\t back\t into\t your\t own\t body,\t feeling\t both\t calm\t and energized\tabout\twho\tyou\tcan\tbecome.","26 Getting\tReal\twith\tMeditation\tand Visualization The\t previous\t two\t chapters\t discussed\t methods\t of\t visualization,\t breathing,\t and meditation.\t Here\t we\t incorporate\t these\t practices\t with\t two\t techniques\t to\t help\t us break\t free\t from\t even\t decades-old\t resentment\u2014encased\t anger\t that\t encrusts\t us long\tafter\tthe\tsituation\thas\tpassed. It\u2019s\t normal\t to\t think\t about\t a\t painful\t experience\t long\t after\t it\t has\t passed\u2014to process\t it,\t to\t work\t through\t it,\t and\t perhaps\t to\t gain\t some\t insight,\t meaning,\t or message.\tThe\tquestion\tresearchers\tsought\tto\texplain\tis\twhy\tit\tworks\tsometimes \u2014and\t we\t feel\t better\u2014while\t other\t times,\t we\t become\t stuck\t and\t the\t negativity becomes\t more\t intensely\t ingrained.\t They\t write,\t \u201cAlthough\t engaging\t in\t this meaning-making\tprocess\tleads\tpeople\tto\tfeel\tbetter\tat\ttimes,\tit\tfrequently\tbreaks down,\tleading\tpeople\tto\truminate\tand\tfeel\tworse.\tThis\traises\tthe\tquestion:\tWhat factors\t determine\t whether\t people\u2019s\t attempts\t to\t \u2018work\t through\u2019\t their\t negative feelings\tsucceed\tor\tfail?\u201d1 The\t answer\t to\t this\t question\t is\t concisely\t summarized\t by\t psychologist\t Guy Winch,\t who\t explains\t that\t we\t tend\t to\t think\t about\t painful\t experiences\t from\t a first-person,\t ego-oriented\t perspective\u2014just\t as\t we\t experienced\t it,\t unfolding through\t our\t own\t eyes.\t However,\t replaying\t the\t emotionally\t painful\t memories from\ta\tthird-person\tperspective\u2014where\twe\tare\ta\twitness\tto\tthe\tscene,\twatching ourselves,\t as\t it\t were,\t from\t the\t perspective\t of\t an\t outside\t observer,\t produces\t a profound\t effect.\t He\t writes,\t \u201cParticipants\t reported\t feeling\t significantly\t less emotional\t pain\t when\t they\t envisioned\t the\t memory\t using\t a\t third-person perspective\t than\t when\t using\t a\t first-person\t perspective.\t Further,\t utilizing\t a psychologically\t distant\t vantage\t point\t also\t allowed\t them\t to\t reconstruct\t their understanding\t of\t their\t experiences\t and\t reach\t new\t insights\t and\t feelings\t of","closure.\u201d2 The\t findings\t dovetail\t with\t the\t essence\t of\t our\t discussion:\t The\t more\t \u201cI\u201d\t we bring\t into\t an\t unpleasant\t event,\t the\t more\t pain\t we\t feel.\t Likewise,\t we\t sink\t more deeply\tinto\tthe\tnegativity\twhen\twe\tremember\tit\tfrom\tour\town\u2014the\tfirst\tperson \u2014perspective.\t It\t is,\t as\t we\t know,\t not\t the\t situation\t or\t event\t that\t make\t us\t angry, but\t the\t degree\t to\t which\t we\t take\t it\t personally.\t This\t technique\t (credited\t to\t the science\t of\t neurolinguistic\t programming)\t engages\t the\t power\t of\t visualization\t to depersonalize\tthe\timpact,\tproducing\ta\tpermanent\tshift\tin\tour\tfeelings\ttoward\tany situation. THE\tPERCEPTUAL\tPOSITIONS\tEXERCISE 1.\tFind\ta\tquiet\tplace\twhere\tyou\tcan\trelax\tundisturbed.\tClose\tyour\teyes\tand\tget\tcomfortable. 2.\tRecall\tan\texperience\tthat\tyou\tfeel\tanger\tabout. 3.\tThis\tis\twhere\tyou\tconsider\tthe\tsituation\tfrom\tyour\town\tperspective,\tthrough\tyour\town\teyes,\tas\tif you\twere\tlooking\tat\tthe\tother\tperson\tand\/or\tscene.\tHow\tare\tyou\tbehaving?\tHow\tare\tyou\tfeeling? What\tdo\tyou\tsee?\tWhat\tdo\tyou\tbelieve\tabout\tthe\tsituation?\tFeel\tthe\teffects\ton\tyour\tbody:\tthe tightness,\tthe\tphysical\ttension,\tand\tthe\taccompanying\tfeelings\u2014and\tsimply\tobserve. 4.\tNext,\tzoom\tout\tand\tview\tthe\tsituation\tas\tif\tyou\twere\tan\tobserver,\treplaying\tthe\tscene\tonce\tmore. Talk\tto\tyourself\tand\tthink\tabout\twhy\t\u201cthis\tperson\u201d\tis\tso\tangry.\tAs\twe\tknow,\tanger\tis\trooted\tin\tthe themes\tof\tfear\tand\tcontrol.\tAsk\tyourself:\tWhat\texactly\tam\tI\tafraid\tof?\tWhat\tis\tthe\tunderlying\tfear behind\tthe\tanger?\tWhat\tneed\tof\tmine\tis\tnot\tbeing\tmet?\tSpend\tas\tmuch\ttime\tas\tyou\u2019d\tlike examining\tyour\tbehavior\tand\tunderlying\tmotivation. 5.\tNow\twe\twill\tintegrate\ta\tbrief\trelaxation\texercise\tto\thelp\tus\town\tour\trevised\tfeelings.\tFeel\tyour body\tand\tbreathe\t(bring\tin\tthe\ttwo\texercises\tin\tthe\tprevious\tchapter\ton\tdeep\tbreathing\tand progressive\tmuscle\trelaxation). 6.\tCome\tback\tinto\tyourself\tand\tspend\ta\tfew\tmoments\tappreciating\tyour\tchoice\tto\tdo\tsomething about\tthe\tanger\u2014to\trelease\tit\trather\tthan\tto\tlet\tit\tdefine\tyou\tand\tconfine\tyou.\tSmile. The\tfollowing\tNLP\t(NeuroLinguistic\tProgramming)\texercise\tis\tan\tenhanced spin-off\t of\t the\t previous\t technique\t and\t changes\t our\t internal\t representation\t by stripping\t away\t the\t intensity\t of\t the\t associated\t emotions.\t It\t accomplishes\t this through\t a\t dual\t psychological\t and\t physiological\t mechanism,\t which\t is\t explained afterward. THE\tMOVIE\tEXERCISE 1.\tFind\ta\tquiet\tplace\twhere\tyou\tcan\trelax\tundisturbed.\tClose\tyour\teyes\tand\tget\tcomfortable. 2.\tPicture\tyourself\tsitting\talone,\tinside\tof\ta\tmovie\ttheater,\tfront\trow\tand\tcenter.\tThe\tscreen\tis\tfrozen","on\tthe\tfirst\tframe\tof\tthe\tmovie\tand\tit\tis\tin\tblack\tand\twhite.\tThe\tfirst\tframe\tis\ta\tpicture\tof\tyou\tin\ta situation\twhere\tyou\twere\tpreviously\tangry.\tYou\tare\tabout\tto\trelive\tthis\tmoment\twith\ttwo\t(visual and\tauditory)\tdifferences:\t(1)\tfrom\tanother\tvantage\tpoint\tand\t(2)\twith\tan\tincongruent,\tamusing soundtrack. 3.\tImagine\tthat\tyou\u2019re\tfloating\tout\tof\tyour\tbody\tand\tinto\tthe\tprojection\tbooth,\tso\tthat\tyou\tcan\tsee yourself\t(from\tthe\tback)\tinside\tof\tthe\tcinema\tand\twatching\tthe\tscreen\tahead.\tTake\ta\tmoment\tto take\tin\tthe\tscene\u2014how\tyou\u2019re\tsitting,\tthe\tclothes\tthat\tyou\u2019re\twearing. 4.\tNow\treplay\tthe\tmemory\ton\tthe\tscreen\tahead\twhile\tlistening\tto\tan\tamusing\tsoundtrack,\tsuch\tas\ta cartoon\ttheme\tor\tof\tsome\tcomedic\tmelody.\tPay\tattention\tto\tnot\tonly\tthe\tscreen,\tbut\tto\tyourself watching\tthe\tscreen. 5.\tWhen\tyou\tget\tpast\twhat\tis\tthe\tworst\tof\tthis\texperience,\tfreeze\tthe\tfilm.\tFloat\tinside\tthe\tmovie\tand view\teverything\tthrough\tyour\town\teyes,\treplaying\tit\tas\tabove\twith\tthe\tincongruent\tsoundtrack. Afterward,\trun\tthe\tmovie\tat\thigh\tspeed,\tthen\tagain\tbackward,\tin\tcolor,\twith\tyou\texperiencing\tit\tin the\tfirst\tperson.\tYou\twill\tsee\teverything\thappening\tin\treverse;\tpeople\tand\tthings\twill\twalk,\ttalk, and\tmove\tbackward.\tThe\tsame\tsoundtrack\twill\tplay\tbackward\tat\ttop\tspeed\tand\tthe\twhole\tmovie will\tbe\tover\tquickly.\tReplay\tthe\tscene\tagain,\tand\tthis\ttime\tmore\tquickly;\tand\tthen\tagain\twith\tthe last\treplay\ttaking\tno\tmore\tthan\tfive\tseconds. 6.\tWhen\tyou\treach\tthe\tbeginning\tof\tthe\tmovie,\tblack\tout\tthe\tscreen. 7.\tRepeat\tsteps\t5\u20138\tonce\tor\ttwice\tmore,\tuntil\tyou\tfeel\tlittle\tor\tno\tanger\ttoward\tthe\tperson\tor\tthe experience. This\t technique\t works\t by\t disrupting\t our\t internal\t representation\t of\t the\t event, inhibiting\t the\t intensity\t of\t emotion\t and\t neutralizing\t the\t negative\t association. Research\t finds\t that\t our\t memories\t are\t highly\t malleable\t and\t possibly\t never completely\t solidify\u2014which\t means\t that\t we\t can\t strengthen\t or\t weaken\t them\t at any\ttime.\tWhen\twe\texperience\ta\ttrauma,\tour\tfeelings\tof\tterror\tand\tvulnerability intensify,\t stimulating\t output\t of\t adrenaline.\t It\t is\t the\t adrenaline\t that\t keeps\t these memories\t strong\t and\t intense,\t even\t days,\t months,\t or\t years\t after\t the\t event. Scientists\t have\t experimented\t with\t the\t drug\t propranolol,\t a\t beta-blocker\t usually used\tto\ttreat\theart\tor\tcirculatory\tconditions\tand\tshown\tto\tblock\tthe\tproduction\tof adrenaline\t in\t nerve\t cells\t of\t the\t amygdala.\t Findings\t showed\t that\t people\t who received\tthis\tadrenaline-blocking\tdrug\twhile\trecalling\ta\tpast\ttrauma\tcould\tform a\tnew\tassociation\tto\tthe\tevent\tand\trelease\tthemselves\tfrom\tthe\temotional\tpain.3 The\t above-described\t technique\t is\t used\t to\t achieve\t similar\t results\t by\t stripping away\tthe\tnegative\tcharge\tof\tany\tanger\tor\tfear-inducing\texperience.","27 In\tthe\tHeat\tof\tthe\tMoment Anger-management\t techniques\t often\t fail\t because\t they\t are\t the\t first\t line\t of defense\u2014we\tsimply\tget\tworn\tdown\tand\tworn\tout\ttoo\teasily.\tAs\tthe\tsaying\tgoes, \u201cthe\tbest\tdefense\tis\ta\tgood\toffense,\u201d\twhich\tis\twhy\tour\tfocus\thas\tbeen\ton\thow\tto avoid\t the\t need\t to\t manage\t our\t anger.\t With\t perspective,\t we\t do\t not\t have\t to\t force ourselves\t to\t remain\t calm\t when,\t for\t instance,\t faced\t with\t insult,\t because\t there\t is no\tpain.\tOne\tdoes\tnot\thave\tto\tfight\tagainst\tthat\twhich\the\tknows\tto\tbe\tirrelevant, much\t less\t false.\t Then,\t regardless\t of\t how\t low\t our\t state\t and\t how\t large\t our\t ego becomes\t in\t the\t heat\t of\t the\t moment,\t we\t will\t not\t succumb\t to\t anger.\t What\t does not\texist\tcannot\tgrow. In\t the\t previous\t chapters,\t we\t explained\t how\t the\t brain\t can\t change,\t rewiring itself\t to\t establish\t new\t neural\t pathways,\t through\t the\t process\t called\t self-directed neuroplasticity.1\t Via\t visualization,\t we\t get\t the\t proverbial\t ball\t rolling,\t and\t as\t we enter\t the\t real\t world,\t the\t following\t protocol\t will\t reinforce\t this\t new\t wiring because\t to\t become\t anger\t free\t as\t quickly\t as\t possible,\t we\t want\t to\t limit reanimating\tthe\tneurons\tin\tthe\tanger-response\tpathway. LET\u2019S\tBE\tSMART First,\twe\twant\tto\tidentify\twhen\twe\u2019re\tmost\tat\trisk\tof\tgoing\toff\tcourse.\tWhen\twe know\t our\t triggers,\t we\t can\t limit\t the\t number\t of\t times\t we\t wind\t up\t facing\t anger- provoking\t scenarios.\t Some\t critical\t junctures\u2014times\t when\t we\u2019re\t most vulnerable\tto\tfalling\tinto\tfamiliar\tpatterns\u2014are\tsituation-specific,\ttime-specific, and\t people-specific.\t If\t we\t take\t a\t detour\t to\t avoid\t confronting\t temptation,\t our route\tmight\tbe\tslightly\tlonger,\tbut\twe\u2019ll\thave\ta\tbetter\tchance\tof\tarriving\tsafely\tat our\tdestination\tanger\tfree. We\t should\t acknowledge\t our\t limitations\t to\t prevent\t ourselves\t from\t slipping too\t close\t to\t these\t danger\t zones.\t When\t we\u2019re\t not\t in\t the\t right\t frame\t of\t mind\t or","don\u2019t\t have\t emotional\t energy\t to\t expend,\t it\u2019s\t prudent\t to\t avoid\t potentially confrontational\t conversations\t and\t situations.\t Moreover,\t it\u2019s\t foolish\t to unnecessarily\t drain\t our\t emotional\t resources.\t Controlling\t anger\t requires willpower,\t and\t willpower\t is\t not\t an\t infinite\t resource;\t we\t temporarily\t deplete\t it each\t time\t we\t act\t with\t restraint.2\t For\t example,\t studies\t found\t that\t if\t we\t resist\t a persuasive\t message,\t this\t decreases\t our\t ability\t to\t exercise\t self-control\t right afterward,\tand\tthis\tdepletion\tincreases\tour\tvulnerability\tto\tpersuasion.3\tResearch concludes\tthat\tpeople\twho\tmost\tsuccessfully\texercise\tself-control\tusually\tset\tup their\tlives\tto\tminimize\ttemptations\tduring\tthe\tday.4 PROTOCOL:\tLEVEL\t1 When\tour\tability\tto\tthink\tclearly,\tor\tat\tall,\tis\tcompromised,\twe\ttoo\teasily\tdefault to\t autopilot\t and\t fall\t into\t familiar,\t self-defeating,\t emotionally\t charged\t patterns. Setting\tup\ta\tprotocol\tin\tadvance\u2014a\tprearranged\tcourse\tof\taction\tto\tfollow\u2014lets us\treact\tresponsibly\twhen\twe\tcan\u2019t\tthink\tand\tprocess\ta\tproper\tresponse.\tThis\tis effective\teven\twhen\tour\twillpower\treserves\tare\tdrained,\tbecause\twe\tdon\u2019t\thave to\tthink\tabout\twhat\tto\tdo.\tIn\tother\twords,\tour\tvisceral\treaction\tcan\tbe\tprimed\tso that\tour\tresponse\tis\tthoughtful,\teven\tthough\tit\tis\tinstinctive. The\t protocol\t in\t Level\t 1\t consists\t of\t two\t intertwining\t layers,\t which\t we\u2019ll outline\tand\tthen\tflesh\tout.\tFirst,\twe\tinterrupt\tthe\tanger-producing\tpattern\tto\tstop the\t stimulus\u2013response\t cycle\t from\t becoming\t more\t ingrained.\t The\t interruption also\t moves\t us\t further\t away\t from\t reacting\t angrily,\t because,\t physiologically,\t it sends\ta\tbiochemical\tsignal\tto\tthe\tnervous\tsystem\tto\tdisengage\tthe\tfight-or-flight response.\t Second,\t the\t best\t thing\t about\t this\t level\t is\t that\t this\t type\t of\t interruption relies\ton\tmuscle\tmemory\u2014no\tbrains\tnecessary!\tIn\tthe\tfollowing\tpages,\twe\twill discuss\tthis\tconcept\tmore\tfully,\tbut\tfor\tnow,\tconsider\tmuscle\tmemory\tas\tthe\tkey behind\t near-flawless\t and\t near-automated\t performance,\t such\t as\t typing\t by\t an experienced\ttypist\tor\tdriving\ta\tstick\tshift\tby\ta\tseasoned\tdriver. Pattern\tInterrupt\tWhen\tour\temotions\tveer\tonto\tthe\tanger\ttrack,\twe\twant\tto derail\tour\ttrain\tof\tthought\tas\tquickly\tas\tpossible,\tby\twhatever\treasonable\tmeans possible.\tA\tpattern\tinterrupt\tdoes\tjust\tthis;\tit\tquickly\tjolts\tour\tfocus\tto\tkeep\tthe locomotive\tfrom\tpicking\tup\tsteam\ttoward\tan\tunproductive\treaction.\t(A\tpattern interrupt\tcan\tbe\tany\tincongruent\tthought\tor\tgesture\u2014snapping\tone\u2019s\tfingers, visualizing\tthe\tperson\twe\u2019re\tspeaking\tto\tshrinking,\tcounting\tbackward\tin\tthrees, and\tso\ton.\tHowever,\twe\twill\tsee\tthat\tone\ttype\tof\tpattern\tinterrupt\tis\tsuperior\tto all.)\tInterruptions\talso\tdampen\tthe\tintensity\tof\tthe\toriginal\tstimulus,\tthereby","neutralizing\tthe\tdamage. The\tAutomated\tMuscle\tMemory\tResponse\tThere\tare\tfour\tlevels\tto\tevery\ttype of\taction:\t(1)\tunconscious\tincompetence\tis\twhen\ta\tperson\tis\tunaware\tthat\the\tis not\tperforming\tcorrectly;\t(2)\tconscious\tincompetence\tis\twhen\tthe\tperson\tis aware\tof\tnot\thaving\tthe\tskill\tset\tnecessary\tto\tbe\tas\teffective\tand\tsuccessful\tas\the would\tlike\tto\tbe;\t(3)\tconscious\tcompetence\tis\twhen\tthe\tperson\tknows\tbut\tmust pay\tattention\tto\twhat\the\tneeds\tto\tdo\tin\torder\tto\tbe\teffective;\tand\t(4)\tunconscious competence\tis\twhen\tthe\tperson\tcan\tperform\tcorrectly\tand\tas\tnecessary\twithout full,\tor\teven\tpartial,\tattention.\tLearning\tto\tdrive\ta\tstick\tshift\teffectively illustrates\tthe\tfour\tlevels.\tAt\tfirst\tit\tfeels\tcompletely\tforeign,\tbut\tthe\tdriver eventually\thas\tthe\tskill\tto\tshift\tgears\twithout\tconsciously\tfocusing\ton\twhat\the\tis doing;\tthe\tprocess\tis\tnow\tintegrated\tinto\tmuscle\tmemory\tand\tcan\tbe instinctually\tperformed.\tMuscle\tmemory\tis\trelated\tto\tprocedural\tmemory,\twhich is\ta\ttype\tof\tunconscious,\tlong-term\tmemory\tthat\thelps\tus\tperform\tspecific\ttasks with\tminimal\tattention;\tand\twe\tcan\tautomatically\taccess\tprocedural\tmemories without\tconscious\tawareness. Putting\tit\tAll\tTogether\tAlthough\tmany\ttraditional\ttools\tof\tanger\tmanagement don\u2019t\twork,\tone\tof\tthem\tremains\tirrefutable.\tThe\tprinciple\tof\tterror\tmanagement reminds\tus\tthat\tfear\timpedes\tour\tability\tto\tthink.\tTherefore,\ta\tpowerful\tweapon in\tour\twillpower\tarsenal\tis\tsimply\tto\tpause\tand\tcalm\tourselves\tby\tbreathing deeply.\tThis\tis\teffective\tfor\ttwo\treasons:\tPhysiologically,\twillpower\thas\ta biological\tbasis,\tand\tslow,\tdeep\tbreathing\tactivates\tthe\tprefrontal\tcortex,\tthe thinking\tbrain.\tLaw\tenforcement\tand\tmilitary\tprofessionals\tcombat\tstress\twith tactical\tbreathing,\twhich\thelps\tcontrol\tthe\tsympathetic\tnervous\tsystem.\tDuring\ta life-and-death\tsituation,\tseveral\tsuccessive\tdeep\tbreaths\thelp\tthem\tto\tthink\tmore clearly\tand\tengage\tmore\teffectively.5 The\t second\t reason\t is\t the\t previously\t mentioned\t facial\t feedback\t hypothesis, the\t very\t act\t of\t smiling\t (we\u2019ll\t explain\t this\t in\t a\t moment)\t and\t breathing\t deeply sends\t the\t message\t to\t the\t brain\t that\t the\t situation\t is\t nonthreatening,\t and\t that\t it\u2019s not\t only\t safe\t to\t relax,\t but\t that\t we\t are\t already\t relaxed.\t An\t incongruous expression\tor\tresponse\tcompels\tthe\t\u201cthinking\tbrain\u201d\tto\treengage,\tto\tmake\tsense of\t the\t conflicting\t emotions.\t Because\t the\t \u201cexternal\t awakens\t the\t internal,\u201d\t our feelings\twill\talign\twith\tour\tbehavior,\tinstead\tof\tthe\topposite. Now\twe\u2019ll\tfold\tin\tall\tthe\tpsychological\tand\tphysiological\tprocesses\tinto\tone simple\t protocol.\t Whether\t you\t are\t thinking\t about\t a\t situation,\t or\t you\u2019re\t in\t a situation\tthat\tis\tanger\tor\tfear\tprovoking,\tsimultaneously\tsmile,\ttake\ta\tlong,\tdeep","breath,\t and\t move\t your\t attention\t to\t your\t breath.\t Unclench\t your\t jaw,\t drop\t your shoulders,\tand\tjust\tfocus\ton\tyour\tbreathing.\tThat\u2019s\tit.\t(You\tneed\tonly\tsmile\tever so\t faintly\u2014particularly\t if\t you\u2019re\t in\t the\t actual\t situation\u2014as\t you\t don\u2019t\t want others\tto\tthink\tyou\u2019re\tbeing\tsmug\tor\tdisrespectful.)\tWhen\ta\tperson\tis\tanxious\tor angry,\the\tmay\tforce\ta\tsmile\tor\tbreathe\tto\tcalm\thimself,\tbut\tdoing\tboth\u2014smiling and\t breathing\u2014gives\t us\t more\t than\t the\t physiological\t benefits\t of\t both.\t Together they\tdo\tsomething\talmost\tmagical:\taccessing\tmemories\tof\tsimultaneous\tsmiling and\t(deep)\tbreathing\twhich\tare\tcalming\tand\tpleasant,\tand\tanchoring\tus\tinto\tthis emotional\tstate. It\t is\t important\t to\t emphasize\t that\t our\t attention\t is\t on\t our\t breath,\t becoming mindful\t of\t how\t it\t fills\t our\t lungs\t and\t then\t is\t released\t gently\t and\t slowly. Typically,\t an\t anger-provoking\t thought\t or\t situation\t narrows\t our\t focus\t to\t the source\tof\tdiscontent.\tBringing\tawareness\tto\tour\tbreath\tinstantly\tgrounds\tus\tand interrupts\tthe\tescalation\tof\temotions.\tDoing\tthis\twill\ttake\tsome\tpractice\tat\tfirst, but\t soon\t enough\t your\t response\t will\t be\t automated,\t and\t the\t moment\t an unwelcomed\tthought\tpops\tup,\tor\tyou\tfind\tyourself\tin\tan\temotionally\tprecarious situation,\tyour\tphysiology\twill\ttake\tover\tand\tfree\tyou\tfrom\tthe\tgrip\tof\tanger. When\tall\tis\tsaid\tand\tdone\t(or\tbetter,\twhen\tall\tis\tnot\tsaid\tand\tnot\tdone),\tafter the\tinitial\tmoment\thas\tpassed\tand\twe\thave\trisen\tabove\tthe\turge\tto\tget\tangry,\twe want\t to\t take\t pleasure\t in\t our\t success.\t Isn\u2019t\t it\t beautiful\t that\t I\t don\u2019t\t need\t to\t get angry\t anymore?\t Feel\t the\t joy\t when\t you\t choose\t to\t remain\t calm\t (or\t at\t least\t in control\tof\tyourself).\tThis\tisn\u2019t\tabout\ttaking\ta\tvictory\tlap.\tJoy\tinfuses\ta\tpositive emotional\t charge\t into\t the\t action\t of\t self-control,\t energizing\t our\t success\t and animating\tthe\tnew\tand\timproved\tneural\tnetwork. PROTOCOL:\tLEVEL\t2:\tIF\tYOU\tCAN\tTHINK:\tWHAT\tTO\tSAY\tWHEN YOU\tTALK\tTO\tYOURSELF Be\treal.\tBe\thonest.\tWhat\tyou\tsay\tto\tyourself\tin\tthe\theat\tof\tthe\tmoment\ttilts\tyour emotional\t state\t and\t subsequent\t response.\t You\t must\t stay\t in\t the\t world\t of\t truth because\tany\tlie\tdivides\tyour\tenergy\tand\tmoves\tyou\tinto\tthe\tworld\tof\tfalsehood, the\t home\t of\t the\t ego.\t You\t cannot,\t therefore,\t force\t yourself\t to\t think,\t I\t am\t calm, and\tI\tdon\u2019t\tcare.\tAll\tyou\tare\tdoing\tis\tlying\tto\tyourself.\tThis\tis\tone\tshortcoming of\taffirmations.\tAlthough\tthey\tcan\tcertainly\tbe\tpowerful\ttools,\treciting\tpositive affirmations\t can\t be\t counterproductive\t while\t we\u2019re\t in\t a\t negative\t state\t because we\tcharge\tthe\tlie\twith\tenergy.\tWe\tare\tnot\twhole\twhen\twe\tsuppress\thow\twe\tfeel and\tdeny\tthe\tpain.\tIf\twe\tfeel\tangry,\twe\tmust\town\tthat\u2014but\twhich\tpart\tof\tus\tis angry?\t The\t ego\t or\t the\t soul?\t We\t feel\t angry,\t but\t it\u2019s\t not\t the\t real\t us.\t Rather,\t the","false\t self\t feels\t angry.\t To\t maintain\t our\t authenticity\t while\t separating\t ourselves from\t the\t negative\t feeling,\t we\t instead\t acknowledge,\t My\t ego\t is\t hurt.\t My\t ego\t is scared.\tDon\u2019t\tignore\tthe\tpain,\tbut\trather\ttake\ta\tmoment\tto\tremind\tyourself\tthat you\u2014the\tsoul\u2014is\tnot\tin\tpain,\tyour\tfalse\tself\tis.\tThen\task\tyourself\thonestly\tand lovingly:\t(1)\tWhat\tneed\tof\tmine\tis\tnot\tbeing\tmet?\tOr\tperhaps,\tWhat\tam\tI\tafraid of?\t Anger\t and\t fear\t are\t interlaced,\t so\t if\t you\u2019re\t able\t to\t identify\t the\t underlying fear,\t you\t begin\t to\t gain\t control\t over\t your\t feelings.\t Remember\t that\t anger\t often serves\tas\ta\tmask\tfor\temotions\tthe\tego\tdeems\ttoo\tpainful\tto\tacknowledge:\tguilt, insecurity,\t envy,\t jealousy,\t embarrassment,\t anxiety,\t unworthiness,\t emptiness\t \u2026 the\t list\t goes\t on.\u2026\t Then,\t continue\t to\t talk\t to\t yourself.\t (2)\t What\t is\t my\t objective right\tnow?\t(3)\tWhat\tcan\tI\tcontrol\tright\tnow?\t(4)\tWhat\tcan\tI\tsay\tor\tdo\tto\tfind\ta solution\t or\t to\t better\t the\t situation?\t Even\t when\t self-examination\t yields\t no\t new insight,\t the\t process\t is\t useful\t because\t fear\t begins\t to\t dissipate\t the\t moment\t we begin\tto\texamine\tit. HANG\tON,\tHELP\tIS\tON\tTHE\tWAY! Research\tshows\tthat\teven\tin\thigh-stress\tsituations,\twe\tneed\tno\tmore\tthan\tninety seconds\tfor\tour\tsystem\tto\tprocess\tany\tanger\tor\tfear-based\temotion.\tThis\tmeans we\t can\t clear\t out\t physiological\t influences\t and\t regain\t our\t full\t rational\t status\t in the\t most\t trying\t of\t circumstances.\t In\t My\t Stroke\t of\t Insight,\t Jill\t Bolte\t Taylor writes:\tAlthough\tthere\tare\tcertain\tlimbic\tsystem\t(\u201cemotional\u201d)\tprograms\tthat\tcan be\t triggered\t automatically,\t it\t takes\t less\t than\t 90\t seconds\t for\t one\t of\t these programs\t to\t be\t triggered,\t surge\t through\t our\t body,\t and\t then\t be\t completely flushed\t out\t of\t our\t bloodstream.\t My\t anger\t response,\t for\t example,\t is\t a programmed\t response\t that\t can\t be\t set\t off\t automatically.\t Once\t triggered,\t the chemical\t released\t by\t my\t brain\t surges\t through\t my\t body\t and\t I\t have\t a physiological\t experience.\t Within\t 90\t seconds\t from\t the\t initial\t trigger,\t the chemical\tcomponent\tof\tmy\tanger\thas\tcompletely\tdissipated\tfrom\tmy\tblood\tand my\t automatic\t response\t is\t over.\t If,\t however,\t I\t remain\t angry\t after\t those\t 90 seconds\thave\tpassed,\tthen\tit\tis\tbecause\tI\thave\tchosen\tto\tlet\tthat\tcircuit\tcontinue to\t run.\t Moment\t by\t moment,\t I\t make\t the\t choice\t to\t either\t hook\t into\t my neurocircuitry\t or\t move\t back\t into\t the\t present\t moment,\t allowing\t that\t reaction\t to melt\taway\tas\tfleeting\tphysiology.6 No\t matter\t how\t visceral\t our\t initial\t response\t is,\t the\t emotion\t can\t roll\t right through\t our\t nervous\t system\t in\t just\t ninety\t seconds.\t We\t feed\t it\t only\t through cognitive\t reinforcement:\t selling\t ourselves\t on\t an\t impossible\t lie:\t that\t we\t can","regain\tcontrol\tby\tlosing\tcontrol.","28 The\tMagnitude\tof\tGratitude We\texplained\thow\tthe\tbrain\testablishes\tneural\tnetworks\tthat\treinforce\temotional responses.\t To\t maximize\t anger\t control,\t we\t would\t do\t well\t to\t build\t up\t the surrounding\tnetworks\tthat\tsupport\tand\tsynergize\ta\tfeeling\tof\tbeing\tcalm\tand\tin control.\t Let\u2019s\t take\t a\t real-life\t metaphor:\t If\t a\t person\t has\t a\t damaged\t nerve\t in\t his leg,\t whereby\t the\t corresponding\t muscle\t is\t unable\t to\t receive\t a\t signal\t to\t contract and\t expand\t to\t facilitate\t walking,\t all\t is\t not\t lost.\t Certain\t therapies\t can\t help\t the patient\t build\t up\t the\t muscles\t around\t the\t nerve\t to\t compensate\t for\t the\t weakness. To\t create\t changes\t in\t the\t brain,\t we\t proactively\t engage\t in\t acts\t that\t build\t the shared\tnetworks,\tcause\tneurons\tto\tlight\tup,\tand\tthe\tdendrites,\tor\tconnections,\tto strengthen.\tOf\tall\tthe\tconnections,\tone\tstands\tout\tas\tthe\tone\tfrom\twhich\twe\tget the\tgreatest\treturn\ton\tour\tinvestment:\tgratitude. EXPECT\tNOTHING\tAND\tAPPRECIATE EVERYTHING The\t physiological\t and\t psychological\t benefits\t of\t gratitude\t are\t well\t documented. \u201cThose\twho\tkept\tgratitude\tjournals\ton\ta\tweekly\tbasis\texercised\tmore\tregularly, reported\t fewer\t physical\t symptoms,\t felt\t better\t about\t their\t lives\t as\t a\t whole,\t and were\tmore\toptimistic\tabout\tthe\tupcoming\tweek\tcompared\tto\tthose\twho\trecorded hassles\t or\t neutral\t life\t events.\u201d1\t They\t were\t more\t likely\t to\t have\t made\t progress toward\t important\t personal\t goals\t (academic,\t interpersonal,\t and\t health-based), and\treported\thigh-energy\tpositive\tmoods,\ta\tgreater\tsense\tof\tfeeling\tconnected\tto others,\t more\t confident\t about\t their\t lives,\t and\t better\t sleep\t duration\t and\t sleep quality,\t relative\t to\t a\t control\t group.2\t A\t study\t by\t psychologist\t Dr.\t Alex\t Wood,","published\t in\t the\t Journal\t of\t Research\t in\t Personality,\t shows\t that\t gratitude\t can also\treduce\tthe\tfrequency,\tduration,\tand\tintensity\tof\tdepressive\tepisodes.\tThis\tis because\tgiving\tand\tgratitude\t(which\tis\titself\tgiving\u2014giving\tthanks)\tredirect\tour attention\taway\tfrom\tourselves.\tWhen\twe\tlook\tfor\tways\tto\tsay\tthanks\tinstead\tof indulging\t what\t may\t be\t our\t more\t natural\t impulse\t to\t complain,\t we\t break\t down the\tneural\tnet\tof\tanger,\tfrustration,\tand\tresentment. The\t human\t mind\t can\t focus\t on\t only\t one\t thought\t at\t a\t time.\t If\t we\t focus\t on something\t that\t makes\t us\t appreciative,\t how\t likely\t is\t it\t that\t in\t that\t moment\t we will\t feel\t angry\t or\t unhappy?\t It\u2019s\t almost\t completely\t impossible.\t Gratitude\t is\t not simply\t a\t matter\t of\t looking\t at\t events\t through\t rose-colored\t glasses.\t The\t reticular activating\tsystem\t(RAS),\tthe\tbrain\u2019s\tfiltering\tmechanism,\twhich\tis\tlocated\tat\tthe base\tof\tthe\tbrain,\tkeeps\tus\tfrom\tbeing\toverwhelmed\tby\tunnecessary\tstimuli.\tOur objectives\t (and,\t in\t some\t instances,\t our\t fears)\t dictate\t what\t we\t deem\t important, and\t whether\t or\t not\t we\t unconsciously\t dismiss\t or\t consciously\t accept\t something. Our\t focus\t becomes\t our\t experience,\t our\t reality;\t and\t we\t decide\t what\t is\t brought into\tour\tpurview.\tFor\texample,\twhen\tconversing\tat\ta\tcocktail\tparty,\tyou\tbecome aware\t of\t another\t conversation\t and,\t by\t shifting\t your\t attention,\t you\t can\t \u201cmute\u201d the\tperson\twho\tis\tin\tfront\tof\tyou\tand\tpick\tup\ton\twhat\tis\tbeing\tsaid\tfurther\taway. The\t reticular\t activating\t system\t hones\t in\t on\t what\t we\t deem\t important\u2014and creates\t connections\t and\t possibilities\t that\t would\t have\t remained\t otherwise dormant. STOP,\tREFLECT\tAND\tACT Reminding\t ourselves\t what\t we\t are\t grateful\t for,\t and\t acknowledging\t this\t every day,\tputs\tour\tfocus\ton\twhat\twe\thave,\trather\tthan\ton\twhat\twe\tlack.\tWe\tthen\tfeel, we\t become,\t we\t are\t more\t fulfilled.\t Take\t a\t few\t minutes\t each\t day\t to\t reflect\t on, and\t write\t down,\t what\t you\t are\t thankful\t for\t in\t your\t life.\t Start\t with\t your\t most consistent\t blessings\u2014perhaps\t those\t we\t too\t often\t take\t for\t granted:\t eyes\t to\t see, fingers\t to\t touch,\t food\t to\t eat,\t and\t clothing\t to\t wear.\t Don\u2019t\t overthink,\t and\t don\u2019t analyze\twhat\tyou\twrite.\tNo\terasing\tor\tcrossing\tout.\tJust\twrite\tdown\teverything and\t everyone\t you\t are\t grateful\t for,\t as\t the\t thoughts\t come\t to\t mind.\t Now,\t each morning,\t spend\t a\t few\t minutes\t reading\t your\t gratitude\t list.\t Whenever\t you\t are\t so inclined\u2014or\tbetter\tstill,\twhen\tyou\tare\tless\tinclined\u2014add\tto\tthe\tlist.\tAnd\talways remember\tto\ttake\ta\tmoment\tto\tappreciate\twhat\tdidn\u2019t\thappen\tor\twhat\tdidn\u2019t\tgo wrong.\tLook\tfor\tgratitude\tin\tevery\tarea\tof\tyour\tlife,\tand\tyou\u2019ll\tbegin\tto\treap\tthe benefits\t of\t a\t different\t quality\t of\t life.\t Recall\t from\t Chapter\t 8\t that\t gratitude\t and","joy\t are\t intimately\t linked.\t If\t we\t think\t about\t the\t people\t we\t know\t who\t have\t a sense\tof\tgratitude,\twe\trealize\tthey\u2019re\tthe\tsame\tones\twho\tare\tjoyful.\tBy\tcontrast, those\t who\t lack\t appreciation\t usually\t live\t in\t a\t cycle\t of\t unrealized\t expectations and\tperpetual\tdisappointment. Moreover,\t consider\t putting\t an\t attitude\t of\t gratitude\t into\t action\t by\t not\t just thinking\t about\t things\t you\t are\t grateful\t for,\t but\t speaking\t and\t behaving\t like\t a grateful\t person.\t When\t you\t conduct\t yourself\t in\t this\t way,\t the\t grateful\t mindset more\teasily\tpermeates\tyour\tnature.\tHave\tin\tmind\tto\ttake\tnote\u2014in\treal\ttime\u2014of five\t pleasant\t things\t that\t happen\t to\t you\t each\t day\u2014things\t that\t you\t might\t have previously\t ignored\t or\t shrugged\t off\t without\t much\t thought.\t In\t the\t midst\t of\t each event,\tspend\tjust\tseven\tseconds\tor\tso\tin\tappreciation. Here\t are\t three\t other\t proven\t strategies\t to\t help\t transform\t yourself\t into\t a person\tof\tgratitude;\tyet\tequally\timportant\tis\tto\ttake\ta\tmental\tstep\tback,\tby\ttaking a\t few\t moments\t each\t morning\t to\t reflect\t on\t who\t we\t are,\t what\t we\t are\t living\t for, and\t why.\t This\t helps\t focus\t your\t thoughts,\t feelings,\t and\t behaviors\t on\t what\t is important\tso\tthat\tdistractions\tand\tpotential\tfrustrations\tfall\tnaturally\tinto\tproper perspective. NOTES\tOF\tGRATITUDE Find\t a\t quiet\t moment\t to\t pen\t a\t letter\t to\t someone\t to\t whom\t you\t feel\t especially grateful.\t Make\t sure\t to\t include\t as\t many\t positive\t details\t as\t possible\t about\t how this\t person\t has\t had\t an\t impact\t on\t your\t life.\t It\t is\t best\t to\t deliver\t this\t letter\t in person,\t and\t not\t on\t a\t specific\t occasion,\t such\t as\t a\t birthday\t or\t anniversary,\t but \u201cjust\t because.\u201d\t If\t you\t do,\t you\t will\t be\t privileged\t to\t witness\t the\t individual\u2019s surprise,\tdelight,\tand\treciprocation\tof\taffection\tand\tgratitude.\tThis\twill\tserve\tto enhance\t your\t own\t gratitude,\t leading\t you\t to\t do\t this\t more\t often\t (even\t for\t those with\t whom\t you\t may\t have\t lost\t contact),\t and\t to\t continue\t to\t appreciate\t all\t the qualities\t you\t admire\t about\t this\t individual\u2014and\t others,\t as\t well.\t If\t you\u2019re\t not much\t of\t a\t writer,\t don\u2019t\t fret.\t A\t phone\t call\t or\t face-to-face\t conversation\t is\t also effective. WALKS\tOF\tGRATITUDE Take\ta\twalk\toutdoors.\tIt\tdoesn\u2019t\tmatter\tif\tthere\u2019s\ta\tlight\tdrizzle\tor\ta\tshining\tsun,","cold\tor\twarm\toutside,\tgear\tup\tand\tgo.\tAs\tyou\twalk,\ttake\tthe\ttime\tto\tadmire\tthe beautiful\toutdoors:\tthe\twarm\tand\tshining\tsun,\tthe\tdew-drenched\tgreen\tgrass,\tthe sounds\t of\t nature,\t the\t bright\t blue\t sky.\t If\t it\u2019s\t evening,\t cast\t your\t eyes\t upwards\t to the\t majesty\t of\t the\t night\t sky.\t Take\t a\t moment\t to\t enjoy\t the\t unparalleled perspective\tand\thumility\tfound\tonly\tin\tthe\tmagnificence\tof\tcreation\u2014billions\tof galaxies\tin\ta\tvast\tuniverse\tand\tourselves. As\tyou\tcontinue\tto\twalk,\tcontemplate\tall\tthe\tblessings\tin\tyour\tlife,\tand\tyour ability\t to\t appreciate\t all\t these\t blessings.\t Begin\t walking\t briskly,\t becoming mindful\tof\tyour\tbeating\theart,\tswinging\tarms,\tfeet\thitting\tthe\tground\tat\ta\tsteady pace,\t steady\t but\t rapid\t breathing\t (this\t integrates\t a\t powerful\t physiological component\t that\t reinforces\t our\t emotional\t state.)\t Now\t slow\t down,\t and\t as\t you make\tyour\tway\tback\thome,\ttake\ta\tmoment\tto\tenjoy\twho\tyou\tare\u2014a\tperson\twho takes\ttime\tout\tto\tacknowledge\twhat\the\thas\u2014a\tperson\tof\tgratitude. MONTAGE\tOF\tGRATITUDE Put\t together\t a\t montage,\t collage,\t or\t assortment\t of\t pictures,\t photographs,\t and quotes\t of\t gratitude.\t Once\t a\t week\t or\t once\t a\t day\t (it\t should\t not\t be\t a\t chore),\t set aside\ta\tpicture\tof\tsomething\tthat\tbrings\ta\tsmile\tto\tyour\tface\tor\ta\tfeeling\tof\tawe and\t appreciation.\t It\t can\t be\t a\t photograph\t of\t a\t calming\t nature\t scene,\t a\t bright- colored\tbutterfly,\ta\tstunning\tflower,\tyour\tbaby,\tyour\tloving\tspouse,\tyour\telderly grandmother,\tyour\tdevoted\tmentor,\ta\tmemorable\tvacation,\ta\tfamily\tget-together, or\ta\trecent\tcelebration.\tWhen\tyou\thave\tcollected\tbetween\tfifty\tand\tone\thundred photos,\tpictures,\tquotes,\tthoughts,\tand\tdoodles,\tpaste\tthem\tall\u2014in\trandom\torder \u2014onto\ta\tlarge\tposter.\tHang\tthis\tposter\tin\ta\tplace\twhere\tyou\twill\tsee\tit\u2014and\tbe reminded\u2014every\tday\tof\tall\tthe\tgood\tin\tyour\tlife. The\t principle\t of\t hedonic\t adaptation\t is\t the\t effect\t of\t growing\t accustomed\t to good\tin\tour\tlives.\tWhen\tthis\thappens,\twe\tno\tlonger\tfocus\ton\tit,\tand\tas\ttime\tgoes by,\twe\tderive\tless\tand\tless\tsatisfaction\tfrom\tit.\tWhen\twe\tacquire\tsomething\tnew, we\t are\t temporarily\t happier,\t less\t because\t of\t its\t intrinsic\t worth,\t beauty\t or\t utility than\t because\t we\t are\t focused\t on\t it.\t The\t research\t is\t definitive:\t Appreciation creates\thappiness.\tWe\talready\thave\teverything\tthat\twe\tneed\tto\tbe\thappy,\tbut\tif we\t don\u2019t\t focus\t on\t it,\t then\t we\t don\u2019t\t derive\t any\t happiness\t from\t it.\t To\t become\t a more\tgrateful\tand\tthus\tjoyful\tperson,\twe\tneed\tonly\tshift\tour\tattention\tto\twhat\twe do\thave\trather\tthan\ton\twhat\twe\tdon\u2019t. The\t adage,\t \u201cYou\t don\u2019t\t appreciate\t what\t you\t have\t until\t you\t lose\t it,\u201d\t is\t more","than\tjust\ta\tquaint\tsaying\u2014it\tis\ta\tpsychological\ttruism.\tWhen\tyou\tlose\tsomething of\tvalue,\tyour\tfocus\tshifts\tto\tit,\tand\tyou\tare\treminded\tof\tthe\tjoy\tthat\tit\tbrought you.\t It\u2019s\t more\t than\t ironic,\t though,\t that\t the\t pain\t we\t feel\t over\t its\t loss\t doesn\u2019t offset\tthe\tpleasure\tit\tbrought\tif\twe\tignored\tit\twhile\twe\tstill\thad\tit. If\tyour\tattention\tis\ton\twhat\u2019s\tmissing\tand\twhat\u2019s\tnot\tgood,\tthen\tyou\tcan\tbe surrounded\t by\t all\t the\t good\t fortune,\t blessings,\t and\t material\t things\t in\t the\t world and\t never\t find\t happiness.\t Your\t focus\t creates\t your\t thoughts,\t and\t your\t thoughts create\t your\t emotions.\t Focus\t on\t the\t positive\t and\t you\t will\t become\t a\t person\t who is\t filled\t with\t joy\t and\t gratitude.\t Focus\t on\t the\t negative\t and\t you\t will\t become\t a person\t who\t is\t unhappy\t and\t unpleasant.\t It\t comes\t down\t to\t a\t choice.\t Are\t you going\tto\tlive\tyour\tlife\tof\tappreciation\tor\texpectation? The\t power\t of\t focus\t is\t in\t play\t when\t it\t comes\t to\t the\t people\t in\t our\t lives\t as well,\t courtesy\t of\t the\t previously\t noted\t reticular\t activating\t system.\t Numerous studies\t prove\t what\t our\t own\t experiences\t have\t already\t shown\t us:\t A\t person intuitively\t senses\t whether\t we\t like\t him,\t even\t without\t a\t single\t word\t being exchanged.\tWhen\tyou\u2019re\tspeaking\twith\ta\tperson\twho\tcan\tbring\tout\tthe\tworst\tin you,\tmentally\tfocus\ton\this\tpositive\ttrait(s),\tand\the\twill\tsense\tthat\tyou\tlike\thim\u2014 and,\t in\t turn,\t he\t will\t be\t inclined\t to\t like\t you.\t Benjamin\t Franklin\t once\t said, \u201cSearch\t others\t for\t their\t virtues,\t thyself\t for\t thy\t vices.\u201d\t Not\t to\t be\t outdone, President\tAbraham\tLincoln\thas\tbeen\tquoted\tas\tsaying,\t\u201cI\tdon\u2019t\tlike\tthat\tman.\tI must\tget\tto\tknow\thim\tbetter.\u201d\tIf\twe\tlook\tfor\tthe\tgood\tin\tanother\tperson,\twe\twill find\tit. A\tPOSITIVE\tGROOVE We\t can\t make\t the\t claim\t that\t we\t don\u2019t\t control\t our\t world\t or\t even\t some\t of\t our behavior.\tBut\tour\tthoughts?\tWhy\twould\twe\tchoose\tto\tfocus\ton\twhat\tdisturbs\tus, rather\tthan\ton\twhat\tenthuses\tor\tinvigorates\tus?\tIn\ta\tword:\thabit. When\t we\t find\t ourselves\t in\t unproductive\t rumination,\t it\t can\t be\t useful\t to interrupt\tit.\tRecall\tthat\ta\tpattern\tinterrupt\tis\ta\tspecific\tact\tthat\tderails\tour\ttrain\tof thought\t to\t snap\t ourselves\t out\t of\t a\t cycle\t of\t negativity.\t While\t we\t are\t retraining our\tbrain\tto\tfocus\ton\tall\tthe\tgood,\tit\tis\tconstructive\tto\tbreak\tfree\tfrom\tthe\tnasty habit\tmany\tof\tus\thave\tof\tdwelling\ton\tthe\tnegative,\twhich\treinforces\tcompeting neural\t networks.\t We\t can\u2019t\t expect\t to\t control\t the\t first\t thought\t that\t enters\t our minds,\tbut\thow\tmuch\tenergy\tdo\twe\tgive\tto\tit\tto\tfeed\ton?\tWill\twe\tfocus\ton\tit,\tor will\twe\tdivert\tour\tattention\tto\tsomething\telse?\tIt\u2019s\tcurious\tthat\twe\tmight\tchoose","to\ttorture\tourselves,\treliving\tpainful\tmemories\tand\tfocusing\ton\tall\tthat\tis\twrong, rather\t than\t to\t appreciate\t how\t far\t we\u2019ve\t come,\t all\t that\t we\t have,\t and\t where\t we would\tlike\tto\tgo.","29 The\tAnger\tGames Disappointment\texists\tin\tthe\tspace\tbetween\tdesire\tand\treality,\twhereby\tthe\tmore reality\tfalls\tshort\tof\tour\tdesire,\tthe\tmore\tdisappointed\twe\tbecome.\tThe\tequation: desire\t-\treality\t=\tdisappointment.\tDisappointment,\thowever,\tis\tmitigated\tby\tone factor:\t expectation.\t The\t greater\t the\t gap\t between\t desire\t and\t expectation,\t the more\t disappointment\t we\t experience.\t Therefore,\t in\t each\t situation,\t regardless\t of our\t desire,\t the\t more\t our\t expectations\t align\t (meaning,\t we\t expect\t as\t much)\t with reality,\tthe\tless\tdisappointment\twe\texperience. Can\t a\t person\t be\t happy\t to\t learn\t that\t a\t loved\t one\t has\t broken\t his\t ribs\t and punctured\t a\t lung?\t He\t can\u2014if\t a\t few\t minutes\t earlier\t he\t learned\t that\t the\t injured was\t on\t life\t support\t but\t is\t now\t expected\t to\t make\t a\t full\t recovery.\t Does\t he\t feel angry?\t No.\t To\t the\t contrary,\t he\u2019s\t filled\t with\t gratitude\t and\t joy\t for\t one\t reason: Reality\thas\tnow\texceeded\this\texpectations\t(and,\twe\u2019ll\tpresume,\tdesire). In\t the\t words\t of\t William\t Shakespeare,\t \u201cExpectation\t is\t the\t root\t of\t all heartache.\u201d\t Expectations\t are\t a\t product\t of\t the\t ego\t and\t produce\t a\t toxic disappointment.\t When\t we\t manage\t our\t expectations,\t disappointment\t never\t fully matures\t into\t anger.\t Let\u2019s\t explain\t by\t differentiating\t between\t desire\t and expectation.\t Take,\t for\t instance,\t a\t parent\t whose\t child\t does\t poorly\t in\t school.\t Is the\t parent\t disappointed?\t Perhaps.\t Does\t the\t parent\t become\t angry\t with\t the\t child because\the\tdoes\tpoorly?\tIt\tall\tdepends\ton\tthe\tparent\u2019s\texpectations\tof\tthe\tchild, and\t his\t willingness\t to\t accept\t his\t child\u2019s\t limitations.\t If\t the\t child\t has\t a\t learning disability\t and\t the\t parent\t accepts\t this,\t then\t anger\t doesn\u2019t\t exist.\t However,\t if\t the parent\trefuses\tto\tacknowledge\this\tchild\u2019s\tlimitations,\tpoor\tgrades\tonly\tserve\tas\ta constant\treminder\tof\ta\treality,\ta\tdiagnosis\tthat\tthe\tparent\trefuses\tto\tface.\tIn\tthat case,\t grades\t become\t a\t source\t of\t constant\t anger\t and\t frustration.\t When\t reality unfolds\t in\t accord\t with\t expectation,\t even\t though\t it\t falls\t short\t of\t desire,\t our emotional\tstate\tis\tnot\tcorrupted\tby\tthe\tego.\tAs\tlong\tas\twe\taccept\tthe\treality,\twe","won\u2019t\tbecome\tangry\u2014regardless\tof\tthe\texperience.\tWe\trecall\tthe\tfour\tstages\tof grief\t discussed\t in\t Chapter\t 3:\t denial,\t anger,\t depression,\t and\t acceptance.\t We cannot\texpect\tthat\twhich\twe\trefuse\tto\taccept. MANAGING\tEXPECTATIONS When\t reality\t meets\t or\t exceeds\t our\t expectations,\t the\t ego\t has\t no\t traction\u2014 because\t\u2026\tdrumroll\tplease\t\u2026\twe\tdo\tnot\tfeel\tafraid.\tAnger\u2019s\troots\tin\tfear\tare\tof major\t significance.\t Anger\t manifests\t when\t life\t doesn\u2019t\t meet\t our\t expectations, when\t reality\t surprises\t us,\t shocks\t us.\t The\t ego\t doesn\u2019t\t like\t these\t unpleasant surprises,\tbecause\tit\tneeds\tto\tfeel\tin\tcontrol. Let\u2019s\t delve\t more\t deeply\t into\t the\t psychological\t mechanics.\t If\t someone\t rear- ends\tyour\tcar,\tyou\tmight\tunderstandably\tfeel\tshaken\tand\tangry.\tBut\tif\tyou\tknew that\t morning\t that\t it\t would\t happen\t later\t that\t day,\t when\t the\t moment\t came,\t you would\tfeel\tshaken\tbut\tmuch\tless\tsurprised,\tand\tthus\tfeel\tlittle\tor\tno\tanger.\tThis is\t critical\t to\t understand:\t Anger\t exists\t because\t of\t a\t loss\t of\t control.\t Something happened\t that\t was\t not\t only\t undesirable,\t but\t unanticipated.\t By\t adjusting\t our expectations,\t we\t automatically\t eliminate\t the\t element\t of\t surprise\t in\t any\t given situation.\t Perhaps\t a\t milder\t example:\t A\t coworker\t jumps\t out\t from\t behind\t your desk\u2014you\tget\tscared\tand\ta\tlittle\tangry.\tHowever,\tif\tyou\tknew\tin\tadvance\twhere he\twas\thiding\tand\twhat\this\tplan\twas,\tthere\twould\tbe\tno\tfear\tand\thence\tno\tanger. In\t these\t hypothetical\t scenarios,\t several\t important\t factors\t mitigate\t our\t anger when\t we\t have\t advance\t knowledge:\t (1)\t We\t reduce\t our\t shock\t and\t feeling\t of being\t out\t of\t control\t because\t we\t predicted\t it.\t We\t get\t to\t be\t right!\t Fulfilled expectations\t provide\t a\t layer\t of\t comfort,\t rather\t than\t fear\t or\t uneasiness,\t about even\t an\t unpleasant\t reality.\t (2)\t Without\t the\t element\t of\t fear,\t we\t can\t process\t the pending\t event\t more\t objectively\t and\t in\t a\t calm\t space.\t We\t can\t also\t see\t the ridiculous\t nature\t of\t an\t angry\t response,\t and\t work\t through\t our\t feelings\t in advance.\t (3)\t In\t the\t words\t of\t Albert\t Einstein,\t \u201cIn\t the\t middle\t of\t every\t difficulty lies\t opportunity.\u201d\t We\t have\t the\t luxury\t of\t time\t to\t reframe\t the\t experience\t in\t a greater\t context\t and\t try\t to\t find\t meaning\t in\t it\u2014and\t perhaps\t look\t for\t ways\t to capitalize\t on\t it\t and\t turn\t it\t into\t an\t opportunity.\t We\t would\t not\t have\t had\t the presence\tof\tmind\tto\tdo\tthis\tin\tthe\tmoment. LET\u2019S\tPLAY\tHOW\tWILL\tI\tBE\tTRIGGERED\tTODAY? We\t can\u2019t\t predict,\t let\t alone\t imagine,\t every\t anger-triggering\t scenario,\t but\t these","situations\t and\t anger-provoking\t people\t do\t fall\t under\t some\t familiar\t themes.\t It\u2019s curious,\t if\t not\t completely\t ludicrous,\t that\t even\t though\t we\t repeatedly\t become angry\tat\tthe\tsame\tpeople\tin\tthe\tsame\tsituation\ttime\tand\tagain,\tour\tego\tacts\tas\tif each\t situation\t were\t new\t and\t unexpected\u2014setting\t us\t up\t each\t and\t every\t time. Refusing\t to\t recognize\t this\t process\t is\t like\t living\t in\t la-la\t land.\t It\t isn\u2019t\t reality. Unrealized\t expectations\t are\t nothing\t more\t than\t premeditated\t resentment.\t Why, you\tmay\task,\tdon\u2019t\twe\tnaturally\tadjust\tour\texpectations\tafter\texperiencing\tthese \u201csurprises,\u201d\t day\t after\t day,\t year\t after\t year,\t decade\t after\t decade?\t A\t good question.\tAsk\tyour\tego. \t\t\t\t\t\t* If\t the\t forecaster\t predicts\t a\t snowstorm\t and\t you\t are\t planning\t on\t a\t picnic\t at\t the beach,\t you\u2019re\t not\t living\t in\t reality,\t and\t you\u2019re\t setting\t yourself\t up\t for\t utter frustration\tand\tdisappointment.\tA\twise\tperson\twould\tplan\ton\ta\tdifferent\tactivity. Of\t course,\t forecasts\t being\t what\t they\t are,\t we\t may\t only\t get\t a\t light\t dusting\t of snow\t and\t so\t your\t ski\t trip\t might\t be\t cancelled.\t Fine.\t At\t least\t you\t walked\t out\t of the\thouse\twith\ta\tscarf\tand\tgloves\trather\tthan\tsunblock\tand\tflip-flops. We\t are\t not\t talking\t about\t predicting\t reality,\t but\t staying\t in\t reality.\t Here\t is what\t we\t can\t guarantee\t with\t relative\t accuracy:\t today\u2019s\t forecast:\t It\t will\t be\t an imperfect\tday.\tYou\tare\tan\timperfect\tperson,\tliving\tan\timperfect\tlife,\tand\tthings in\tyour\tday\twill\tbe\timperfect\u2014and\tthat\u2019s\tall\tokay.\tIn\tfact,\tit\u2019s\tmore\tthan\tokay. It\u2019s\t a\t perfect\t opportunity\t for\t you\t to\t develop\t a\t greater\t sense\t of\t emotional resiliency,\t self-control,\t and\t self-respect.\t It\t is\t an\t opportunity\t to\t show\t the\t world that\t you\t are\t in\t control\t of\t yourself,\t and\t in\t the\t process,\t improve\t almost\t every aspect\tof\tyour\tlife\tand\tyour\trelationships. We\t might\t feel\t disrespected\t today\u2014someone\t may\t cut\t in\t front\t of\t us\t at\t the supermarket\tor\ton\tthe\thighway,\tor\tignore\tour\tphone\tcall\tor\temail.\tWe\tmight\tfeel embarrassed,\tor\tsomeone\tmight\tyell\tat\tus.\tToday\twe\tmight\tfeel\thurt,\thelpless,\tor both.\tWe\tmight\tfeel\trejected,\tlonely,\tsad,\tor\tall\tthree.\tToday\tsomeone\tmight\tdo something\t that\t makes\t no\t sense\u2014something\t completely\t illogical\t and\t irrational. Expect\tit.\tSomeone\tmay\ttry\tto\ttake\tadvantage\tof\tus\ttoday\tor\tinsult\tus.\tWe\tmight witness\tan\tinjustice.\tSomeone\tmay\tinconvenience\tus;\ta\tgoal\tmay\tbe\tdelayed;\twe might\t realize\t something\t unpleasant\t about\t ourselves\t or\t a\t loved\t one;\t another person\u2019s\t act\t may\t cause\t us\t to\t question\t the\t relationship\t or\t ourselves;\t we\t might become\tuncomfortable\tor\tfeel\tunwanted. \t\t\t\t\t\t*","Again,\tthis\tis\tnot\tabout\texpecting\tthe\tworst\tor\twaiting\tfor\tthe\tother\tshoe\tto\tdrop. Rather,\t to\t quote\t an\t oft-repeated\t axiom:\t Hope\t for\t the\t best,\t and\t plan\t for\t the worst.\t To\t plan\t means\t that\t we\t are\t cognizant\t that\t the\t shoe\t drops\t many,\t many times\tevery\tsingle\tday,\tin\tmany\tdifferent\tways,\tand\twe\tcan\tbe\tsurprised\tand\tget angry,\t or\t each\t time\t can\t become\t an\t opportunity\t to\t fortify\t our\t emotional\t health and\ttransform\tour\tcharacter.","30 Game\tDay Becoming\tanger\tfree\tmust\tbe\tyour\tnumber-one\tpriority.\tDon\u2019t\tthink\tof\tthis\tas\ta hobby,\twhere\tyou\tdabble\tonly\twhen\tyou\u2019re\tinspired\tand\tit\u2019s\tconvenient.\tNeural networks\t are\t competitive,\t so\t you\t need\t to\t activate\t the\t new\t response\t with\t more frequency,\t intensity,\t and\t duration\t than\t your\t anger-prone\t network.\t To\t help\t us along\t we\t want\t to\t track\t our\t progress\t because\t if\t you\t can\u2019t\t measure\t it,\t you\t can\u2019t change\t it.\t Moreover,\t studies\t show\t that\t recording\t and\t reviewing\t your\t behavior proves\t effective\t across\t a\t wide\t swath\t of\t areas.\t For\t example,\t dieters\t who\t kept\t a food\t journal\t lost\t twice\t as\t much\t weight\t over\t a\t six-month\t period\t as\t those\t who didn\u2019t;\t and\t follow-up\t studies\t conclude\t that\t they\t kept\t it\t off.\t The\t simple\t act\t of writing\t everything\t down\t a)\t motivates\t people\t to\t consume\t less;\t and\t b)\t makes\t it difficult\t for\t them\t to\t ignore\t their\t slip-ups.1\t Keeping\t a\t journal\t or\t charting\t your progress\ttoward\tanger\telimination\tis\ta\tway\tto\tmove\tthe\temphasis\tfrom\ta\tsingle incidence\tof\tbehavior\tto\tan\toverall\tpattern.\tIt\tis\teasier,\ttoo,\tto\tsustain\tprogress\tif you\t see\t evidence\t in\t writing.\t Memory\t is\t far\t more\t biased\t when\t you\t feel discouraged,\t and\t you\t have\t a\t harder\t time\t recalling\t your\t successes.\t In\t addition, tracking\t your\t progress\t allows\t you\t to\t adjust\t your\t tactics,\t because\t you\t can examine\twhat\u2019s\tworking\tand\twhat\u2019s\tnot\tworking.\tWhile\tyou\tmay\tbe\tunwavering in\tyour\tpursuit,\tyou\twant\tto\tbe\tflexible\tin\tyour\tapproach. \t\t\t\t\t\t* First,\t we\t want\t a\t clear\t and\t definitive\t goal\u2014and\t write\t it\t down.\t Just\t because you\u2019re\t motivated\t doesn\u2019t\t mean\t that\t you\t have\t a\t clear\t purpose.\t Formulating\t a precise\t definition\t of\t what\t you\t want\t to\t accomplish\t helps\t you\t focus\t on\t relevant activities\t and\t avoid\t diversions\t that\t distance\t you\t from\t your\t objectives.\t In\t fact, studies\t find\t that\t people\t are\t on\t average\t ten\t times\t more\t likely\t to\t succeed\t by","making\ta\tfirm\tresolution\tto\ta\tspecific\tcommitment.2\tAdditionally,\tthe\tstrength\tof your\t commitment\t is\t magnified\u201442\t percent\t more\t likely\t to\t achieve\t your\t goal\u2014 when\t you\t write\t it\t down,\t review\t your\t statement,\t and\t state\t aloud\t your commitment\t to\t your\t objective\t several\t times\t throughout\t the\t day.\t And\t sending weekly\tupdates\tto\ta\tfriend\tcan\tdouble\tyour\trate\tof\tsuccess.3 Second,\tsuccess\trequires\tthat\tfor\ta\tspecified\tperiod,\tyou\tdon\u2019t\treconsider\tthe decision\t to\t express\t your\t anger\t in\t any\t way.\t Precious\t energy\t trickles\t out\t every time\t you\t consider,\t Is\t this\t a\t time\t to\t get\t angry?\t There,\t are,\t of\t course,\t those\t who would\t claim\t that\t when\t properly\t expressed,\t anger\t may\t be\t appropriate.\t In fairness,\t there\t are\t a\t number\t of\t studies\t to\t support\t this\t position\t and\t yet,\t for\t our purposes,\t the\t debate\t is\t irrelevant,\t which\t is\t why,\t throughout\t this\t book,\t we\t have been\t speaking\t about\t anger\t in\t absolute\t terms.\t We\t recall\t from\t Chapter\t 5\t that emotions\t help\t to\t energize\t our\t direction\t and\t motivate\t proper\t behavior,\t but\t only when\twe\tfirst\tsee\tthrough\tthe\tlens\tof\tthe\tintellect.\tLet\u2019s\tsay\tthat\t1\tpercent\tof\tthe time\tanger\tis\tthe\tproper\tresponse.\tIn\tthe\theat\tof\tthe\tmoment,\twe\tare\tnot\table\tto make\tthat\tcall,\tand\twe\twill\tdecide\tthat\tanger\tis\tnecessary\tcloser\tto\t99\tpercent\tof the\t time.\t Might\t you\t choose\t to\t remain\t calm,\t only\t to\t conclude\t after\t the\t fact\t that anger\t was,\t indeed,\t called\t for?\t Perhaps.\t But\t wouldn\u2019t\t you\t rather\t be\t right\t 99 percent\tof\tthe\ttime\tthan\t1\tpercent\tof\tthe\ttime?\tBy\ttaking\tanger\toff\tthe\ttable,\twe are\tmore\tinclined\tto\treframe\tthe\tsituation\tand\tseek\tsolutions\trather\tthan\tto\tfocus on\t the\t problem.\t King\t Solomon\t instructs,\t \u201cDo\t not\t be\t eager\t in\t your\t heart\t to\t be angry,\t for\t anger\t resides\t in\t the\t bosom\t of\t fools.\u201d4\t Commentators\t explain\t that\t a fool\u2019s\t anger\t is\t readily\t available\t and\t accessible\t while\t a\t wise\t person\t stores\t his anger\t out\t of\t reach,\t so\t that\t by\t the\t time\t he\t gets\t to\t it,\t he\t has\t already\t calmed himself\t down.\t Therefore,\t in\t order\t to\t strengthen\t the\t proper\t neural\t networks, regardless\t of\t how\t you\t feel,\t the\t display\t of\t anger\t will\t be\t unconditionally\t off\t the table\tas\ta\tviable\tresponse. Having\ta\tset\ttime\tframe\tis\talso\thelpful\tbecause\tyou\twill\tview\twhatever\tgains you\u2019ve\tmade\tappropriately\u2014as\tgains\u2014rather\tthan\tconsidering\tyourself\ta\tfailure because\t you\t didn\u2019t\t succeed\t in\t completely\t eradicating\t the\t behavior.\t Start\t with twenty-four\t hours\t or\t start\t with\t five\t minutes\u2014but\t start,\t and\t make\t the\t goal realistic.\t Anger\t has\t five\t main\t measurable\t components:\t frequency,\t duration, intensity,\ttrigger,\tand\texpression.\tYou\tchart\tit\tany\tway\tyou\tlike,\tand\tagain,\tdon\u2019t underestimate\tthe\tpower\tof\tkeeping\ta\twritten\trecord\tof\tyour\tprogress. \u2022\u2005\u2005Frequency\t How\t often\t do\t you\t get\t angry?\t Does\t it\t happen\t every\t hour?\t Does\t it\t happen\t every\t day? Maybe\t it\t happens\t several\t times\t one\t day,\t and\t then\t does\t not\t even\t happen\t for\t several\t days.\t Keep track\tof\tthe\tsheer\tnumber\tof\ttimes\tyou\tfeel\tangry.","\u2022\u2005\u2005Duration\tHow\tlong\tdo\tyou\tstay\tangry?\tTake\tnote\tof\thow\tlong\tit\ttakes\tyou\tto\treclaim\tyourself\tand to\tsnap\tout\tof\tyour\tstate. \u2022\u2005\u2005Intensity\t This\t is\t a\t little\t harder\t to\t measure,\t but\t you\t will\t become\t more\t aware\t of\t how\t intense\t the episodes\t are\t once\t you\t begin\t to\t keep\t track\t of\t them.\t Using\t a\t scale\t from\t one\t to\t five\t can\t help quantify\tyour\tfeelings. \u2022\u2005\u2005Trigger\t There\t are\t always\t certain\t situations\t that\t will\t more\t easily\t spark\t our\t anger.\t This\t is something\tyou\tshould\tmeasure\tbecause\tyou\tmight\tjust\tbe\tsurprised\tat\tthe\tcatalyst.\tAlso,\ttake\ttime to\t identify\t the\t underlying\t fear\t at\t the\t root\t of\t the\t episode\t in\t order\t to\t work\t through\t it\t (using\t the process\tin\tChapter\t26). \u2022\u2005\u2005Expression\t What\t did\t you\t do\t with\t the\t anger?\t This\t is\t not\t a\t one-size-fits-all\t category.\t If\t you\t are prone\tto\tsuppressing\tyour\tfeelings,\tdid\tyou\tchoose\tto\texpress\tyourself\tmore\topenly\tand\thonestly? If\tyou\tusually\texplode,\twere\tyou\table\tto\tcontain\tyourself\tand\tcalmly\texit\tthe\tsituation? Regarding\texpression,\twe\thave\tidentified\tthree\tlevels\tof\tanger:\t(1)\tfeeling\tanger\tin\tthe\tmoment;\t(2) acting\tout\tof\tanger\twith\taggressive\texpression;\tand\t(3)\tresentment\tfrom\tunresolved\tanger.\tThe\tideal,\tof course,\tis\tto\tenjoy\ta\twide\tperspective\twhere\tfewer\tand\tfewer\tsituations\tget\tcaught\tin\tthe\tego\u2019s\tnet.\tStill, if\tyou\tare\tunable\tto\tavoid\tfeeling\tangry\tat\tthe\ttime,\tprogress\tcan\tbe\thad\tby\trestraining\tyour\tanger.\tAll too\toften,\tin\tthe\theat\tof\tthe\tmoment\tand\tout\tof\tanger,\twe\tmay\tsay\tor\tdo\tsomething\tthat\tfurther\tincreases our\tfeelings\tof\tembarrassment\tor\tshame.\tWe\tare\tthen\tforced\tto\tdouble\tdown,\tand\tour\tanger\tturns\tinto rage.\tWe\tlose\tourselves\tto\tour\temotions\tbecause\twe\tcannot\tbear\tthe\tpain\tof\taccepting\twhat\twe\u2019re\tdoing right\tnow\u2014which\twas\tin\tresponse\tto\tsomething\telse\tentirely.\tThe\tego\tgoes\tinto\tsurvival\tmode\tand\tre- ups\tthe\tante,\tagain\tand\tagain.\tThe\tbottom\tline:\tDo\twhatever\tis\tnecessary\tto\tavoid\trage\u2014the uncontrolled\texpression\tof\tanger. Regardless\t of\t your\t thoughts\t and\t behavior\t in\t the\t moment,\t wiping\t the\t slate clean\t to\t rid\t yourself\t of\t lingering\t resentment,\t guilt,\t or\t shame\t is\t a\t powerful, purposeful\t step\t toward\t an\t anger\t free\t life.\t As\t we\t noted,\t taking\t responsibility\t is not\t about\t being\t perfect\u2014it\u2019s\t what\t we\t do\t when\t we\t discover\t that\t we\t have faltered,\t and\t how\t we\t move\t forward\t to\t make\t things\t right\t after\t we\t have\t done wrong. YOU\u2019RE\tGOING\tTO\tLIVE\tANGER\tFREE,\tGET\tEXCITED! Our\t success\t coalesces\t around\t one\t requirement:\t Joy!\t Joy\t energizes\t our\t decision to\t live\t a\t life\t that\t is\t anger\t free.\t You\t have\t every\t reason\t to\t be\t excited\t because you\u2019re\t not\t giving\t anything\t up,\t and\t you\u2019re\t not\t losing\t out\t on\t anything.\t You\t are gaining\t in\t every\t way:\t maximizing\t your\t potential\t and\t actualizing\t your\t dreams, and\t becoming\t a\t happier,\t healthier\t person\t who\t appreciates\t all\t of\t the\t good\t that life\thas\tto\toffer\tyou.","SPECIAL\tNOTE\tTO\tREADERS Although\t the\t choices\t we\t make\t during\t our\t lives\t have\t a\t strong\t impact\t on\t our emotional\t stability,\t severe\t mental\t illness,\t including\t anger\t management\t issues, may\tresult\tfrom\tserious\ttrauma\tor\ta\tgenetic\tdisposition.\tThis\tmental\tstate\tcould affect\t a\t person\u2019s\t basic\t life\t functioning\t so\t significantly\t that\t his\t or\t her\t thoughts and\t behaviors\t fall\t outside\t the\t scope\t of\t genuine\t choice.\t Just\t as\t some\t people\t are physically\t disabled,\t others\t are\t emotionally\t impaired\t through\t no\t fault\t of\t their own.\t They\t neither\t choose\t nor\t cause\t their\t sickness,\t and\t to\t label\t them\t lazy\t or selfish\t is\t not\t only\t reprehensible,\t but\t mistaken.\t The\t tools\t and\t techniques\t in\t this book\thave\tshown\tto\tbe\tlife\ttransforming\tfor\tmany\tpeople,\tbut\tothers\twill\tbenefit from\tthe\tdirect\tguidance\tof\ta\tmental-health-care\tprofessional. At\t what\t point\t our\t free\t will\t emerges\t remains\t a\t subject\t of\t ongoing philosophical,\t psychological,\t and\t biological\t debate,\t but\t the\t indisputable beginning\t of\t all\t change\t comes\t when\t we\t make\t a\t conscious\t decision\t to\t accept personal\tresponsibility.\tThis\tmeans\tthat\twe\tput\tour\tego\taside\tand\tseek\twhatever help\twe\tneed\tto\tregain\tcontrol\tof\tour\tlives.","ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This\t is\t my\t sixth\t book\t with\t St.\t Martin\u2019s\t Press,\t and\t I\t couldn\u2019t\t be\t happier\t to\t be back\t with\t the\t publishing\t house\t that\t is\t second\t to\t none.\t It\t is\t a\t great\t pleasure\t to acknowledge\tthe\ttremendous\twork\tof\tthe\toutstanding\tprofessionals\twith\twhom\tI have\t the\t privilege\t of\t working.\t First\t and\t foremost,\t a\t big\t thank\t you\t goes\t to\t my editor,\t Daniela\t Rapp,\t for\t her\t keen\t insights\t and\t thoughtful\t suggestions.\t Her professionalism\t is\t exceeded\t only\t by\t her\t patience.\t A\t special\t thanks\t to\t St. Martin\u2019s\t executive\t vice\t president\t and\t publisher,\t Jennifer\t Enderlin,\t whose continuous\t enthusiasm\t for\t my\t work\t and\t interest\t in\t this\t book\t is\t highly appreciated. Sincere\t recognition\t goes\t to\t Patricia\t Weldygo\t and\t Tova\t Salb\t for\t their editorial\t efforts\t and\t well-honed\t suggestions.\t To\t Sophia\t Dembling,\t a\t double thank\tyou\tfor\ther\thighly\tthorough\tand\tsuperb\tcopy\tediting.\tA\tspecial\tthank\tyou to\t David\t Bendkowski\t for\t his\t ever-charming\t encouragement\t and\t to\t Lauren Jablonski\t for\t her\t always\t pleasant\t and\t proficient\t correspondence\t and coordination. And\t to\t the\t talented\t people\t in\t the\t production,\t publicity,\t marketing, advertising,\t art,\t and\t sales\t departments,\t a\t warm\t and\t genuine\t acknowledgment. While\tyour\tefforts\tfor\tthis\tbook\thave\tjust\tbegun,\tyou\thave\talready\tpropelled\ttwo of\t my\t previous\t books\t onto\t The\t New\t York\t Times\t bestseller\t list,\t and\t helped launch\ta\tcareer\tthat\thas\tgone\ton\tto\timpact\tthe\tlives\tof\tmillions\tof\tpeople\tin\tthe United\tStates\t and\t around\t the\t world.\tI\tam\tappreciative\tfor\tall\tthat\tyou\u2019ve\tdone and\tcontinue\tto\tdo. I\twould\tlike\tto\texpress\tmy\tgratitude\tto\tthose\twho,\tthroughout\tthe\tyears,\thave entrusted\t me\t to\t help\t guide\t them\t on\t their\t path\t to\t emotional\t wellness.\t I\t have learned\t much\t from\t you\t all,\t and\t I\t stand\t in\t awe\t of\t your\t strength,\t your\t courage, and\tyour\tdetermination.","To\t my\t extraordinary\t and\t remarkable\t parents,\t thank\t you\t for\t having\t shaped my\t character;\t to\t my\t wonderful\t and\t loving\t wife,\t thank\t you\t for\t putting\t up\t with this\t character;\t and\t to\t my\t generally\t well-behaved\t children,\t who\t are\t all remarkable\t and\t amazing\t characters\u2014thank\t you.\t You\t make\t it\t all\t possible\t and worthwhile.\t I\t am\t humbled\t and\t grateful\t to\t God,\t for\t His\t many\t blessings\t and Whose\tinfinite\tkindness\tand\tbenevolence\thave\tallowed\tthis\tbook\tto\tbe\twritten.","ENDNOTES PART\tI:\tTHE\tREAL\tREASON\tYOU\tARE\tSO\tANGRY 1.\tHow\tPerspective\tTakes\tShape \u2005\u20051.\u2005\u2005See\tM.\tScott\tPeck,\tThe\tRoad\tLess\tTraveled:\tA\tNew\tPsychology\tof\tLove,\tTraditional\tValues\tand Spiritual\tGrowth\t(New\tYork:\tSimon\t&\tSchuster,\t1978),\t17\u201319.\tSee\tRoy\tF.\tBaumeister,\tTodd\tF. Heatherton,\tand\tDianne\tM.\tTice,\tLosing\tControl:\tHow\tand\tWhy\tPeople\tFail\tat\tSelf-Regulation (California:\tAcademic\tPress,\t1994).\tAlso\tsee\tChristopher\tPeterson\tand\tMartin\tE.\tP.\tSeligman, Character\tStrengths\tand\tVirtues:\tA\tHandbook\tand\tClassification\t(Oxford,\tUK:\tOxford\tUniversity Press,\t2004). \u2005\u20052.\u2005\u2005In\tProverbs\t26:13,\tKing\tSolomon\twrote,\t\u201cThe\tsluggard\tsays,\t\u2018There\tis\ta\tlion\toutside!\tI\tshall\tbe\tslain\tin the\tstreets!\u2019\u201d\tOne\tmight\tthink\tthat\tthe\tcoward\twould\tmake\tsuch\ta\tdeclaration,\tbut\tthe\twisest\tof\tmen teaches\tus\tthat,\trather\tthan\taccepting\tthe\tpain\tand\tstigma\tof\tlaziness,\twe\tinvent\tfears\tto\tjustify\tour inaction.\tHe\tfurther\texplains,\t\u201cThe\tsluggard\t[is]\twiser\tin\this\town\tconceit\tthan\tseven\tmen\tthat\tcan render\ta\treason\u201d\t(Proverbs\t26:16),\tbecause\this\twarped\tperception\thas\tbecome\tso\tingrained\tthat\the cannot\tbe\tconvinced\totherwise.\t(Laziness\tis\tnot\tconfined\tto\tphysical\texertion,\tbut\tto\tthe\treluctance\tto exert\teffort\tof\tany\ttype,\tincluding,\tmost\tcertainly,\temotionally\tand\tcognitively).","2.\tAngry\twith\tOurselves,\tAngry\tat\tthe\tWorld \u2005\u20051.\u2005\u2005William\tGlasser,\tReality\tTherapy\t(New\tYork:\tHarper\t&\tRow,\t1965). \u2005\u20052.\u2005\u2005Drew\tWesten,\tPavel\tBlagov,\tKeith\tHarenski,\tet\tal.,\t\u201cNeural\tBases\tof\tMotivated\tReasoning:\tAn\tfMRI Study\tof\tEmotional\tConstraints\ton\tPartisan\tPolitical\tJudgment\tin\tthe\t2004\tU.S.\tPresidential\tElection,\u201d Journal\tof\tCognitive\tNeuroscience\t18,\tno.\t11\t(2006):\t1947\u20131958. \u2005\u20053.\u2005\u2005Elliot\tAronson,\tTimothy\tD.\tWilson,\tRobert\tM.\tAkert,\tSamuel\tR.\tSommers,\tSocial\tPsychology,\t9th edition\t(New\tJersey,\tPearson\tEducation,\t2015),\t11. \u2005\u20054.\u2005\u2005Robert\tFritz,\tThe\tPath\tof\tLeast\tResistance:\tLearning\tto\tBecome\tthe\tCreative\tForce\tin\tOur\tOwn\tLife (New\tYork:\tFawcett\tColumbine,\t1989),\t140. \u2005\u20055.\u2005\u2005Ecclesiastes\t5:9.","3.\tIsolated\tfrom\tOurselves,\tDisconnected from\tOthers \u2005\u20051.\u2005\u2005Abraham\tJ.\tTwerski,\tA\tFormula\tfor\tProper\tLiving:\tPractical\tLessons\tfrom\tLife\tand\tTorah\t(Jewish Lights\tPublishing,\t2009). \u2005\u20052.\u2005\u2005See\tMartin\tL.\tHoffman,\t\u201cToward\ta\tComprehensive\tEmpathy-Based\tTheory\tof\tProsocial\tMoral Development\u201d\t(2001),\tin\tArthur\tC.\tBohart\tand\tD.\tJ.\tStipek,\teds.,\tConstructive\tand\tDestructive Behavior:\tImplications\tfor\tFamily,\tSchool,\tand\tSociety. \u2005\u20053.\u2005\u2005See\tW.\tKeith\tCampbell,\tEric\tA.\tRudich,\tand\tConstantine\tSedikides,\t\u201cNarcissism,\tSelf-Esteem,\tand\tthe Positivity\tof\tSelf-Views:\tTwo\tPortraits\tof\tSelf\tLove,\u201d\tPersonality\tand\tSocial\tPsychology\tBulletin, 358\u2013368,\thttp:\/\/psp.sagepub.com\/content\/28\/3\/358.short\t(accessed\ton\tAugust\t30,\t2016). \u2005\u20054.\u2005\u2005Seth\tRosenthal,\t\u201cThe\tFine\tLine\tBetween\tConfidence\tand\tArrogance:\tInvestigating\tthe\tRelationship\tof Self-esteem\tto\tNarcissism,\u201d\tDissertation\tAbstracts\tInternational,\t66\t(5-B)\t(2005):\t2868. \u2005\u20055.\u2005\u2005Wade\tC.\tRowatt,\tChristie\tPowers,\tValerie\tTarghetta,\tet\tal.,\t\u201cDevelopment\tand\tInitial\tValidation\tof\tan Implicit\tMeasure\tof\tHumility\tRelative\tto\tArrogance,\u201d\tJournal\tof\tPositive\tPsychology\t1,\tno.\t2\t(2006): 198\u2013211.","4.\tStep\tRight\tUp\tand\tChoose\tYour\tReality \u2005\u20051.\u2005\u2005The\tscenario\tfollows\tinterpersonal\trelationships,\tand\tPart\tIV\texpands\tthe\tdiscussion\tto\tthe\tother primary\tsource\tof\tanger\u2014the\tuniverse.\tWhether\tour\tplans\tare\tthwarted\tor\thardships\tencountered,\tit\tis too\teasy\tto\tfeel\tthat\twe\tare\tbeing\trejected\tby\tGod\tbecause\twe\tare\tnot\tworthy\tof\thappiness\tand\tsuccess. \u2005\u20052.\u2005\u2005When\tthe\tthreat\tis\tnot\treal,\tas\tin\tthe\tcase\tof\ta\thorror\tmovie\tor\thaunted\thouse,\tthe\tfight\tor\tflight mechanism\tis\tstill\tactive\tto\tthe\tdegree\tthat\twe\tsuspend\tbelief.\tHowever,\tas\tnoted,\twe\tdo\tnot\tbecome angry\tbecause\twe\tremain\tin\tcontrol.\tTherefore,\tin\treal-life\tscenarios,\twhenever\tour\timagination\tgets the\tbetter\tof\tus,\tremind\tyourself\tthat\tyou\tare\tsafe\tand\tin\tcontrol,\tand\tfollow\tthe\tprotocol\tin\tChapter\t27. \u2005\u2005\u2005\u2005\u2005It\twill\tnot\thappen\tautomatically\tbecause\tyour\tneural\tnetwork\thas\tbeen\thabituated\tto\tresponding\tto false\talarms\u2014becoming\tfrightened\teven\twhen\twe\tknow\tthe\tfear\tis\tnot\treal.\tBut,\tin\ta\tshort\ttime,\tyou can\tcreate\ta\tdifferent,\tdominant\tnetwork\tthat\twill\toverride\tthe\tfear-based\tone.\tThe\tmethod\tis\takin\tto desensitization\tor\texposure\ttherapy,\ta\thighly\teffective\ttreatment\tfor\ta\trange\tof\tphobic\tand\tanxiety disorders,\tthat\thelps\tthe\tsufferer\tprocess\tthe\tsituation\tlogically\tand\trationally,\trather\tthan\temotionally."]
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