["when\t they\t feel\t the\t heat,\t and\t still\t others\t will\t not\t budge\t until\t they\t get\t burned\u2014 and\tat\ttimes,\tnot\teven\tthen.\tWhat\tkind\tof\tperson\tdo\tyou\twant\tto\tbe?\tThe\tanswer to\tthat\tquestion\twill\tdetermine\tthe\tkind\tof\tlife\tthat\tyou\tare\tgoing\tto\tlead. WHY\tIS\tTHIS\tMY\tCHALLENGE,\tANYWAY? Sometimes\t life\t just\t seems\t unfair.\t Outright\t painful.\t Downright\t difficult.\t Unjust. Yes,\twe\tcontrol\tthe\tquality\tof\tour\tlives\tand\tour\temotional\tresponse\tto\tany\tgiven situation,\t but\t a\t major\t source\t of\t anger\t derives\t from\t the\t belief\t that\t we\t have received\t undeserved\t and\t excessive\t hardships.\t When,\t objectively\t speaking,\t we experience\t a\t double\t or\t triple\t helping\t of\t struggles\t that\t others\t are\t spared,\t this understandably\t challenges\t our\t sense\t of\t fairness.\t Even\t if\t we\t accept\t that\t certain ordeals\tinspire\tself-reflection\tand\tgrowth,\twhy\tis\ta\tparticular\tflaw\tinherent\tin\tus \u2014the\tsoul\u2014in\tthe\tfirst\tplace? In\tthe\tfollowing\tchapter,\twe\u2019ll\texplain\tthis,\tas\twell\tas\tthe\tforce\tthat\tprotects the\t soul\u2019s\t mission,\t which\t helps\t us\t advance\t along\t the\t path\t we\t must\t travel\t and helps\texplain\tnot\tonly\twhy\tseemingly\tbad\tthings\thappen\tto\tgood\tpeople,\tbut\tthe perhaps\tmore\tnagging\tquestion,\toften\tpaired\twith\tthe\tfirst:\tWhy\tdo\tgood\tthings happen\tto\tbad\tpeople?","10 Why\tGood\tThings\tHappen\tto\tBad\tPeople Each\t of\t us\t has\t a\t unique\t purpose\t in\t this\t world,\t and\t our\t talents\t and\t strengths\u2014 and\t many\t of\t life\u2019s\t challenges\u2014are\t tailormade\t to\t help\t us\t accomplish\t what\t the soul\t requires.\t The\t word\t that\t most\t precisely\t describes\t this\t synced\t system\t is\t the Hebrew\tmazal.\tMazal,\tliterally\t\u201cconstellations,\u201d\tmeans\tthe\tastrological\tinfluence that\ta\tperson\tis\tborn\tunder\t(and\trefers\tto\tan\tinscrutable\tcorrelation\tbetween\tthe natural\t world\t and\t a\t person\u2019s\t nature,\t having\t little\t to\t do\t with\t modern-day astrology,\tfortune-telling,\tand\thoroscopes.)\tThe\tword\tmazal\tis\toften\ttranslated\tas \u201cluck,\u201d\t because,\t from\t our\t perspective,\t what\t happens\t to\t a\t person\t frequently appears\tto\tbe\trandom.\tWhat\twe\tfail\tto\trecognize\tis\tthat\tfor\ta\tperson\tto\tcomplete his\ttask\tin\tthis\tworld,\the\tmay,\tfor\texample,\tenjoy\tundeserved\triches\tor\tbe\tfaced with\t abject\t poverty.\t Therefore,\t one\t individual\t may\t do\t all\t the\t right\t things,\t yet still\t not\t seem\t to\t \u201ccatch\t a\t break,\u201d\t while\t another\t person\t effortlessly\t achieves success\t at\t every\t turn,\t sometimes\t despite\t himself.\t Mazal\t is\t more\t accurately defined\t as\t the\t confluence\t of\t conditions\t and\t circumstances\t that\t we\t require\t to complete,\t to\t perfect,\t ourselves.\t Before\t a\t person\t is\t born\t into\t this\t world,\t the instruments\u2014the\t qualities\t and\t characteristics,\t the\t physical\t and\t mental\t abilities, and\t the\t means\t at\t his\t disposal\u2014are\t synchronized\t to\t optimize\t the\t soul\u2019s\t path toward\tperfection. Mazal\tis\tinfluential\tbut\tnot\tirrevocable\tor\tinescapable.\tWe\tcannot\texpect\tthat fate\t will\t swerve\t to\t intercept\t us,\t and\t that\t regardless\t of\t our\t efforts,\t good\t fortune or\t crisis\t will\t simply\t materialize\t to\t reveal\t an\t unalterable\t destiny.\t While\t mazal exists\t to\t expedite\t needed\t growth\t for\t the\t soul,\t we\t have\t to\t do\t our\t part,\t and\t we certainly\t cannot\t be\t negligent.\t Imagine,\t for\t instance,\t a\t person\t whose\t mazal dictates\tgreat\twealth,\tbut\twho\tchooses\tto\tspend\this\ttime\twith\ttrivial\tpursuits.\tAs fate\twould\thave\tit,\the\tinherits\tone\tmillion\tdollars,\twhich\the\tpromptly\tgambles\tat the\t racetrack.\t His\t mazal\t holds\t firm,\t and\t he\t wins.\t However,\t then\t he\t bets\t it\t all","again\t and\t again\t and\t again.\t At\t some\t point,\t his\t mazal\t will\t run\t out.\t Our\t mazal helps\t us\t advance\t the\t path\t that\t we\t must\t travel\t and\t is\t synchronized\t to\t our\t life\u2019s purpose.\t Therefore,\t a\t person\t who\t forsakes\t accountability\t may\t lose\t whatever positive\tprotection\ttheir\tmazal\tafforded\thim. Due\tto\tthe\thidden\tinfluences\tof\tour\tsoul,\twe\u2019re\tunable\tto\tgauge\twhat\tis\tin\tthe overall\tbest\tinterest\tof\teach\tsoul\tand\tits\tpurpose\tin\tthis\tworld.\tWe\tcan\tnever\tsay that\t a\t person\t injured\t or\t killed\t by\t a\t seemingly\t random\t event\t has\t abdicated\t his role\t or\t responsibility,\t for\t many\t great\t people\t have\t met\t with\t tragic,\t untimely deaths.\t A\t shared\t fate\t does\t not\t mean\t a\t shared\t spiritual\t level.\t We\t must\t never presume\t otherwise.\t Likewise,\t because\t we\t are\t each\t on\t our\t own\t level,\t a\t choice for\tone\tperson\tis\tnot\tnecessarily\ta\tchoice\tfor\tanother.\tHence,\tthe\tfamiliar\tdictum not\tto\tjudge\tanother\tperson\tuntil\tyou\twalk\ta\tmile\tin\this\tshoes. \t\t\t\t\t\t* Naturally,\t people\t have\t different\t leanings\t and\t inborn\t desires\t which,\t Edmund Burke\telegantly\twrote,\tis\tnot\texplained\tby\treason,\tbut\trather\t\u201ccaptivate\tthe\tsoul before\t the\t understanding\t is\t ready\t either\t to\t join\t with\t them,\t or\t to\t oppose\t them.\u201d We\tcome\tinto\tthe\tworld\twith\ta\tunique\tset\tof\ttraits,\tnone\tof\twhich\tare\tinherently good\tor\tbad,\tbut\twhich\tcan\tbe\tchanneled\tto\tbe\teither\tconstructive\tor\tdestructive. Even\t the\t basest\t traits\t can\t be\t used\t for\t good.\t The\t preeminent\t psychologist\t Carl Jung\t explains,\t \u201cCreative\t powers\t can\t just\t as\t easily\t turn\t out\t to\t be\t destructive.\t It rests\t solely\t with\t the\t moral\t personality\t whether\t they\t apply\t themselves\t to\t good things\tor\tto\tbad;\tand\tif\tthis\tis\tlacking,\tno\tteacher\tcan\tsupply\tit\tor\ttake\tits\tplace.\u201d1 Maslow,\twho\testablished\tself-actualization\tas\tthe\tpinnacle\tof\thuman\tneed,\tsums up\tthe\tprinciple:\tA\tmusician\tmust\tmake\tmusic,\tan\tartist\tmust\tpaint,\ta\tpoet\tmust write\tif\the\tis\tto\tbe\tat\tpeace\twith\thimself.\tWhat\ta\tman\tcan\tbe,\the\tmust\tbe.\tThis\tis the\t need\t we\t may\t call\t self-actualization\t \u2026\t it\t refers\t to\t man\u2019s\t desire\t for fulfillment,\t namely\t to\t the\t tendency\t for\t him\t to\t become\t actually\t in\t what\t he\t is potentially:\tto\tbecome\teverything\tthat\the\tis\tcapable\tof\tbecoming.2 Therefore,\t he\t should\t find\t a\t positive\t outlet\t for\t his\t inborn\t drives.\t He\t must direct\t any\t and\t all\t tendencies\t toward\t his\t growth,\t and\t if\t he\t fails\t to\t capitalize\t on their\t positive\t use,\t he\t will\t ultimately\t surrender\t to\t his\t unbridled\t desires\t and\t be governed\tby\tthem. Just\t as\t each\t person\t has\t a\t unique\t purpose\t with\t tailormade\t strengths,\t our weaknesses\t too\t are\t fashioned\t to\t maximize\t our\t potential;\t as\t Sigmund\t Freud writes,\t\u201cOut\tof\tyour\tvulnerabilities\twill\tcome\tyour\tstrengths.\u201d\tWhich\tmeans\tthat","a\t struggle\t for\t some\t people\t may\t not\t be\t for\t others.\t The\t challenges\t we\t face\t are sometimes\t universal\t and\t generic\u2014for\t example,\t overcoming\t anger\t and\t laziness \u2014and\t at\t other\t times\t unique\t to\t us,\t such\t as\t dealing\t with\t a\t specific\t physical limitation\tor\temotional\tsensitivity.\tThese\tfactors\tset\tthe\ttone\tfor\tour\texperiences in\t life,\t but\t as\t we\t will\t recall,\t they\t remain\t irrelevant\t to\t one\u2019s\t satisfaction\t in\t life. Let\u2019s\tnow\tremind\tourselves\twhat\tis\texplained\tin\tChapter\t8,\tbecause\tit\u2019s\ttoo\teasy to\tbe\tfooled\tinto\tthinking\totherwise. A\tVICTORY\tIN\tAPPEARANCES\tONLY Should\t a\t person\t abdicate\t all\t personal\t responsibility,\t he\t may\t be\t successful\t in specific\t areas,\t but\t such\t prosperity\t is\t a\t hollow\t victory.\t It\t is\t indisputable\t that\t a person\t who\t lives\t irresponsibly\t moves\t away\t from\t his\t purpose\t and\t potential\t and will\t de\t facto\t suffer\t from\t a\t range\t of\t mental\t health\t issues\t that\t will\t hinder\t his enjoyment\t for\t what\t he\t has\t achieved\t or\t received.\t A\t blessing\t of\t long\t life\t to\t the depressed\tperson\tbecomes\ta\tself-imposed\tcurse.\tThe\tsame\tis\ttrue\tfor\triches\tone uses\t to\t indulge\t in\t self-destructive\t vices.\t And\t although\t having\t a\t family\t is\t a blessing,\t it\t quickly\t becomes\t the\t opposite\t if\t we\t spend\t all\t of\t our\t time\t arguing with,\t or\t are\t estranged\t from,\t family\t members.\t In\t that\t case,\t it\t only\t wears\t on\t our emotional,\t spiritual,\t and\t physical\t health.\t Without\t perspective,\t our\t coping mechanism\tis\tdisabled,\tand\twe\tsimply\tfeel\tas\tif\tthe\tuniverse\thas\theaped\ttrouble after\ttrouble\tupon\tus.\tAll\tof\tthe\tgood\tin\tour\tlife\tremains\tout\tof\tfocus\tand\twe\tare left\t in\t a\t state\t of\t restless\t desire,\t goaded\t on\t by\t a\t sense\t of\t entitlement,\t with\t a predictable\tfinale:\tdisappointment\tand\tdespair. Regardless\tof\twhat\tlife\tserves\tus,\twe\tcan\tmake\tthe\tbitter\tpill\tmore\tpalatable and\t perhaps,\t if\t we\t choose\t to\t be\t extraordinary,\t turn\t it\t into\t a\t lavish\t feast.\t The soul\u2019s\tmission\tand\tcorresponding\tmazal\taffects\thappenstance,\tbut\tas\twe\tlearned, our\t happiness\t and\t emotional\t health\t are\t a\t function\t of\t choice.\t Life\u2019s\t challenges are\t not\t equally\t distributed\t to\t everyone,\t but\t the\t power\t of\t choice\t is\t the\t great equalizer.","11 Staying\tSane\tin\tan\tInsane\tWorld When\t we\t know\t a\t matter\t is\t insignificant,\t we\t obviously\t keep\t our\t emotional investment\t to\t a\t minimum.\t Although\t a\t person\t with\t perspective\t sees\t the irrelevance\t of\t an\t event\t that\t might\t overwhelm\t his\t egocentric\t counterpart,\t the question\t everyone\t faces\t is,\t \u201cHow\t do\t we\t manage\t what\t is\t relevant?\u201d\t To\t answer this,\t we\u2019ll\t turn\t to\t the\t subject\t of\t trust,\t and\t explore\t more\t deeply\t how\t the\t quality of\tour\tchoices\tgives\tus\taccess\tto\ta\tdeep\tlevel\tof\tcalm. ENTER\tGOD Difficult\t times\t and\t tragic\t events\t challenge\t our\t coping\t skills.\t As\t humans,\t our perspective\t is\t finite,\t which\t makes\t it\t difficult\t for\t us\t to\t see\t the\t bigger\t picture. Still,\twe\tcan\tgain\tpeace\tof\tmind\tand\tderive\tcomfort\tduring\ttrying\ttimes\twhen\twe develop\t the\t capacity\t to\t trust,\t which\t then\t serves\t as\t a\t surrogate\t to\t our\t sight.\t In that\t way,\t we\t become\t immune\t to\t distress\t because\t we\t don\u2019t\t have\t to\t see something\twith\tour\town\ttwo\teyes\tin\torder\tto\taccept\tthat\tthe\toutcome\tis\tfor\tour ultimate\tbenefit. We\tcan\thave\tfaith\tthat\tthings\twill\twork\tout\tfor\tthe\tbest,\tbut\twe\tmay\tstill\tbe plagued\t by\t worry\t and\t moments\t of\t doubt.\t When\t we\t have\t trust,\t however, negative\tthoughts\tdon\u2019t\tfill\tour\tmind.\tWe\tdon\u2019t\tdwell\ton,\tor\tbecome\tconsumed with,\t the\t outcome.\t Trust\t is\t an\t intellectual\t process,\t a\t natural\t outgrowth\t of\t our positive\tchoices,\tand\tit\texists\tindependently\tof\tour\tmood\tor\temotional\tstate.\tThe difference\tis\tprofound.\tIf\tyou\thave\tfaith\tthat\ta\trickety\tbridge\twill\thold\tyou,\tyou might\twalk\tacross\tit,\tbut\twith\tsome\ttrepidation.\tTrust,\tin\tcontrast,\tis\tunequivocal and\t unwavering\t and\t means\t that\t you\t choose\t to\t walk\t across\t the\t bridge\t without hesitation,\t with\t much\t less\t anxiety\t or\t fear.\t This\t is\t important\t to\t understand","because\tas\twe\tknow,\tfear\tbreeds\tanger,\tso\tif\twe\tturn\toff\tthe\tfaucet\tof\tfear,\tthen we\tshut\tdown\tthe\tflow\tof\tanger. How\t do\t we\t move\t from\t faith\t to\t trust?\t No\t leap\t of\t faith\t is\t required.\t The decision\t to\t exercise\t self-control\t eliminates\t anger\t and\t anxiety\t because\t it\t moves us\t beyond\t faith\t in\t God\t and\t into\t trust\t in\t God.\t Here\u2019s\t how\t it\t works:\t We\t can\u2019t trust\tin\tGod\tbeyond\tthe\tscope\tof\tour\tbehavior.\tWhen\twe\tmake\ta\tpoor\tchoice\u2014 meaning\t that\t we\t refuse\t to\t accept\t reality\t and\t respond\t properly\u2014we\t are\t not acknowledging\tGod,\tand\tto\tthe\tdegree\tthat\tHe\tis\tnot\tin\tour\tlives,\twe\tcan\u2019t\thave a\t relationship\t with\t Him,\t let\t alone\t trust\t in\t Him.\t The\t chasm\t widens\t afterward when\t we\t justify\t our\t actions;\t this\t behavior\t further\t torques\t the\t ego\t and\t pushes God\tstill\tfurther\taway.\tWe\tfeel\tthis\tdistance\tas\ta\tlack\tof\tfaith.\tYet\twe\tdon\u2019t\tlose faith\t in\t God\t without\t first\t losing\t faith\t in\t ourselves.\t It\t is\t we\t who\t have\t changed. When\twe\tturn\taway\tfrom\twhat\tis\tright,\tall\tof\tour\trelationships\tinevitably\tsuffer \u2014including\tour\trelationship\twith\tGod. Someone\twho\tis\tin\tthe\thabit\tof\tignoring\treality\tcannot\tsimply\tbring\tGod\tinto his\t life,\t conjure\t Him\t up,\t and\t trust\t in\t Him\t at\t the\t moment\t of\t his\t choosing\t to soothe\tan\tanxious\tthought\tor\tcalm\ta\ttroubled\tmind,\tbecause\tthe\tego\tis\tprecisely what\t blocks\t trust\t in\t God.\t Trust\t is\t a\t natural\t by-product\t of\t humility,\t not\t of arrogance.\tFear\tbreeds\tin\tthe\twaters\tof\tdisconnectedness,\tbetween\tour\tawareness of\tthe\ttruth\tand\tour\tbehavior,\tand\tthe\tgreater\tthe\tdisparity,\tthe\tgreater\tthe\tfear. Productive\tliving\tis\tthe\theartiest\texpression\tof\tour\ttrust\tin\tthe\tfuture,\tin\tGod, and\tin\tourselves.\tA\tperson\twho\tfeels\ttoo\tafraid\t(of\tthe\tpain)\tto\tmake\tlong-range plans\t and\t to\t invest\t in\t his\t life\t sends\t a\t message\t to\t his\t subconscious\t that\t he\t does not\thave\ttrust.\tThen,\timperceptibly\tand\tunintentionally,\the\tseeks\tto\tvalidate\this fears\t and\t becomes\t attuned\t to\t whatever\t in\t his\t world\t offers\t him\t proof\t that\t he\t is right.\tBecause\tof\this\tego-based\tdecision\tto\tavoid\tlegitimate\tpain\u2014and\topt\tout\tof life\u2014his\tego\tmust\tnow\tprove\thim\tright. In\tshort,\taction\tconverts\tfaith\tinto\ttrust.\tWe\tcan\u2019t\testablish\ttrust\tin\tGod\tif\twe don\u2019t\tlive\tour\tlives\tin\ta\tway\tthat\tdemonstrates\tour\tbelief\tin\tGod.\tAbraham\u2019s\tten trials\tnourished\this\trelationship\twith\tGod,\teach\tadding\ta\tstrand\tof\ttrust\tin\ta\tbond that\tculminated\tin\ttotal\tsubmission\tto\tHis\twill,\twithout\tquestion\tor\tcompunction. With\t the\t first\t test,\t God\t sought\t to\t assure\t Abraham,\t \u201cI\t will\t make\t of\t you\t a\t great nation;\tI\twill\tbless\tyou,\tand\tmake\tyour\tname\tgreat\tand\tyou\tshall\tbe\ta\tblessing.\u201d1 By\t the\t last\t test,\t such\t reassurance\t had\t become\t unnecessary,\t even\t though\t the command\t itself\t was\t exceedingly\t more\t difficult\t and\t seemingly\t contradicted God\u2019s\tinitial\tassertion.2\tSuch\tis\tthe\tbond\tof\ttrust.","SELF-CONTROL\t=\tPEACE\tOF\tMIND We\t intuit\u2014via\t our\t conscience,\t the\t soul\u2014that\t with\t each\t of\t our\t acts,\t a\t natural consequence\toccurs.\tWhen\twe\tengage\tin\tconduct\tthat\twe\tknow\tto\tbe\twrong,\tno matter\t how\t masterfully\t we\t justify\t it,\t the\t voice\t of\t our\t soul\t cries\t out\t in\t shame. Although\t the\t ego\t often\t muffles\t the\t soul\u2019s\t cry,\t we\t unconsciously\t wait\t for\t the universe\tto\tdrop\tthe\tother\tproverbial\tshoe. Imagine\t the\t following\t scenario:\t A\t thief\t walks\t into\t a\t grocery\t store,\t steals\t a loaf\t of\t bread,\t and\t then\t flees,\t probably\t looking\t over\t his\t shoulder\t nervously\t for the\tnegative\tconsequences\tof\this\taction.\tFor\ta\twhile\tafter\tthe\tadventure,\the\twill be\t tormented\t by\t what\t might\t happen.\t Just\t as\t a\t person\t braces\t himself\t physically in\tanticipation\tof\tbeing\thit,\tso,\ttoo,\tdo\twe\tbrace\tourselves\temotionally\twhen\twe feel\t vulnerable.\t If\t the\t thief\t had\t not\t stolen\t the\t bread,\t such\t anxiety\t would\t not exist. Individuals\twith\thigh\tlife-change\tscores\t(that\tis,\tthey\texperience\tmultiple\tlife changes\t at\t one\t time)\t are\t more\t likely\t to\t fall\t ill.\t Yet\t most\t surprisingly,\t studies reveal\tthat\tthe\tillness\tcorrelates\twith\tany\ttype\tof\tchange.3\tWhether\twe\tperceive the\t event\t as\t positive\t or\t negative\t has\t no\t effect\t on\t the\t stress\t we\t experience; rather,\t the\t stress\t level\t is\t determined\t by\t our\t need\t to\t control\t what\t is\t happening. This\t is\t why\t we\t may\t find\t ourselves\t engaging\t in\t self-destructive\t behavior,\t even when\tthings\tin\tour\tlives\tgo\tparticularly\twell. The\t path\t to\t living\t anger\t free\t is\t paved\t not\t by\t circumstances,\t but\t by\t choice. An\tindividual\twho\tcontrols\thimself\trecognizes\tthat\the\tdoesn\u2019t\tcontrol\tthe\tworld, and\tso\the\tis\tnot\tanxious.\tIn\tfact,\tthis\tunderstanding\toffers\tsolace\tbecause\tall\the has\tto\tdo\tis\texercise\tself-control,\tand\tGod\twill\ttake\tcare\tof\tthe\trest.\tConversely, one\t who\t cannot\t control\t himself\t falsely\t believes\u2014courtesy\t of\t his\t ego\u2014that\t he is,\tor\tshould\tbe,\tin\tcontrol,\tand\tso\tbecomes\tanxious\tin\tuncertain\ttimes\tand\tangry when\t reality\t unfolds\t against\t his\t expectations.\t His\t foolish\t quest\t to\t control\t that which\tis\tbeyond\this\tcontrol\twill\tonly\tlead\thim\tto\tlose\tmore\tcontrol\tover\thimself. This\tis\ta\tnuanced,\tyet\tcritical,\tpoint.\tThe\tmore\tself-control\twe\thave,\tthe\tmore\twe see\u2014and\taccept\u2014what\tis\twithin\tour\tcontrol\tand\twhat\tis\tnot.\tTherefore\twe\tcan, as\tthe\tsaying\tgoes,\tlet\tgo\tand\tlet\tGod,\tbecause\twe\tknow\tthat\twhen\twe\thave\tdone all\twe\tcan,\tGod\twill\tdo\tall\twe\tcan\u2019t. Whatever\t the\t character\t trait,\t if\t we\t don\u2019t\t possess\t it,\t we\t can\u2019t\t see\t it\t in\t others or\tfeel\tit\tin\tourselves.\tA\tperson\twho\tdoesn\u2019t\tlove\thimself\tcan\u2019t\tfully\tlove\tothers or\t feel\t their\t love,\t and\t a\t person\t who\t doesn\u2019t\t trust\t himself\t distrusts\t others\t and\t is often\tnot\ttrusted\tby\tothers.\tThose\twho\tlack\tself-control\thave\tno\tconcept\tof\ttrust. How\tcan\tthey\ttrust\tin\tGod\twhen,\tin\ttheir\tworld,\t\u201ctrust\u201d\tis\ta\ttheoretical\tconcept","and\tnot\tpart\tof\ttheir\tinner\treality?\tGod\tis\tinfinite\tand\tunchanging.\tIf\twe\twant\tto see\tHis\thand\tin\tour\tlives,\tif\twe\twant\tto\ttrust\tin\tHim,\tit\tis\twe\twho\tmust\tchange. We\tmust\tmake\tdifferent\tchoices.\tThere\tis\tno\talternate\ttruth. TRUST\t=\tACCEPTANCE\t=\tANGER\tFREE Acceptance\t means\t we\t do\t not\t ignore\t reality,\t and\t if\t the\t reality\t is\t that\t we\t are\t in pain,\tthen\tthe\theight\tof\tresponsibility\tis\tto\trecognize\tthat\tthis\tis\ta\tmoment\tto\tbe in\tpain.\tIt\u2019s\tperfectly\thealthy,\teven\tobligatory,\tto\tfeel\tthis\tway.\tIf\twe\tprocess\tthe experience\t with\t patience\t and\t compassion\t for\t ourselves,\t then\t we\t move\t more swiftly\tto\tacceptance.\tIf,\thowever,\tthe\tego\tis\tactive,\tthen\twe\tbecome\tfilled\twith self-pity\t or\t false\t shame,\t we\t delay\t acceptance\t and\t add\t an\t unnecessary\t layer\t of suffering.\tSelf-pity\tjudges\tour\tpain\tto\tbe\tunfair\u2014poor\tme.\tI\tlive\tan\tunfair\tlife\tin an\t unjust\t world,\t suffering\t a\t cruel,\t undeserved\t fate.\t False\t shame\t declares\t our pain\tis\tjustified\tbecause\twe\tare\tunworthy\tof\tgood\tand\tof\thappiness. The\t upcoming\tprocess\tin\t Part\tIV\tis\t critical\tbecause\tit\tallows\t us\tto\tsee\tand accept\tthat\ta\tpainful\tordeal\tdoes\tnot\tmean\tthat\tGod\thas\trejected\tus\tor\tabandoned us\t because\t we\t are\t unworthy\t of\t His\t love.\t God\u2019s\t love\t for\t us\t does\t not\t diminish because\twe\tfeel\tunworthy\u2014but\tour\tcapacity\tto\tfeel\tHis\tlove\tfor\tus,\tdoes.\tAs\twe have\t learned,\t people\t who\t do\t not\t love\t themselves\t conclude\t that\t others\t don\u2019t either.\t They\t feel\t that\t people\t do\t unkind\t things\t to\t them\t intentionally,\t rarely assigning\t a\t benign\t motivation\t to\t such\t behavior.\t Their\t worldview\t is\t similarly skewed,\t which\t further\t distances\t them\t from\t God\t and\t shatters\t their\t self-esteem. They\t tell\t themselves,\t If\t God\t is\t doing\t this\t to\t me,\t then\t I\t must\t be\t bad.\t This\t idea perpetuates\t a\t negative\t self-image,\t spiraling\t them\t further\t away\t from\t their potential\tand\tany\tmotivation\tto\tinvest\tin\tthemselves\tand\tin\ttheir\tfuture. If\t we\t are\t angry\t at\t God\t because\t of\t our\t own\t faults\t and\t limitations,\t trials\t and tribulations,\tthen\twe\tare\tnot\tliving\tin\tthe\tworld\tof\ttruth;\twe\twill\tconstantly\ttake out\tour\tfrustrations\ton\tourselves\tand\teveryone\taround\tus.\tThe\tfamed\tphilosopher Friedrich\t Nietzsche\t writes,\t \u201cHe\t who\t has\t a\t why\t to\t live\t for\t can\t bear\t almost\t any how.\u201d\tFundamentally,\ttrust\tin\tGod\tmeans\tthe\tacceptance\tand\trecognition\tthat\tall our\t experiences\t come\t to\t us\t directly\t from\t God,\t all\t out\t of\t His\t love\t for\t us.\t It means\tknowing\tin\tone\u2019s\theart\tthat\tthere\tis\tno\tsuch\tthing\tas\tchance,\tand\tthat\tall of\tour\tlife\texperiences\tare\tunder\tcomplete\tand\ttotal\tDivine\tsupervision. Unlike\t faith,\t trust\t directly\t reflects\t our\t relationship\t with\t God.\t The\t closer\t we are\tto\tHim,\tthe\tstronger\tour\ttrust,\tand\tthe\tgreater\tour\trecognition\tthat\teverything He\t does\t is\t specifically\t for\t our\t good.\t The\t message\t is,\t \u201cYou\t matter\t to\t Me.\u201d\t The entire\t mechanism\t of\t self-esteem\t is\t geared\t toward\t creating\t ourselves\t into\t a","vessel\tthat\tis\tcapable\tof\trecognizing\tand\treceiving\tGod\u2019s\tlove\tfor\tus.\tOnly\tthen do\t we\t live\t with\t the\t perpetual\t awareness\t that\t He\t takes\t an\t intimate\t and\t personal interest\tin\tevery\taspect\tof\tour\tlives,\tand\tthat\teverything\twe\tdo\tmatters\tdeeply\tto Him.\tAbsent\tself-esteem,\twe\tcannot\thelp\tbut\tfeel\tthat\twe\tdo\tnot\tmatter\tto\tGod, that\twe\tare\tirrelevant.\tNothing\tis\tmore\tpainful\tor\tfalse.","PART\tIV MAKE\tPEACE\tWITH\tTHE\tPAST, FOR\tGOOD","12 Planes\tof\tAcceptance We\t have\t discussed\t that\t to\t the\t extent\t we\t refuse\t to\t accept\t the\t truth\t about ourselves\tand\tour\tlives,\twe\tare\tforced\tto\tdistort\tthe\tworld\taround\tus\tto\talign\twith our\t preferred,\t less-painful\t version\t of\t reality.\t Therefore,\t to\t accept\t reality,\t we must\t accept\t ourselves;\t and\t to\t fully\t accept\t ourselves,\t we\t need\t to\t make\t peace with\tour\tpast\tand\tplan\tfor\tour\tfuture.\tFirst\tthings\tfirst. SELF-ACCEPTANCE The\ttruth\tcannot\tbe\toffended\tor\tupended\tby\treality.\tImages\tneed\tprotection.\tThe truth\tdoes\tnot.\tIf\twe\tfully\taccept\tourselves,\twe\thave\tno\tneed\tto\tproject\tan\timage. We\t have\t nothing\t to\t protect\t and\t nothing\t to\t hide\t from.\t We\t become\t more\t real, through\t and\t through.\t Shakespeare\t lyrically\t rendered\t this\t creed\t in\t the\t following verse: This\tabove\tall:\tto\tthine\town\tself\tbe\ttrue, And\tit\tmust\tfollow,\tas\tthe\tnight\tthe\tday, Thou\tcanst\tnot\tthen\tbe\tfalse\tto\tany\tman.1 Jung\t stated\t that\t every\t part\t of\t the\t personality\t we\t don\u2019t\t love\t will\t become hostile\t to\t us.\t Becoming\t more\t courageous\t means\t that\t we\t must\t face\t ourselves, because\tit\tis\tself-discovery\tthat\twe\tactually\tfear.\tThis\tis\tself-evident.\tWe\tare\tnot easily\t offended\t when\t faced\t with\t a\t truth\t that\t we\t fully\t acknowledge,\t nor\t are\t we bothered\t by\t a\t blatant,\t bold-faced\t lie.\t Only\t when\t presented\t with\t a\t truth\t that\t we refuse\t to\t recognize\t do\t we\t become\t sensitive\t or\t self-conscious.\t Total\t self- acceptance\tensures\tthat\twe\tdon\u2019t\tconnect\tthe\tdots\tto\tlet\tanother\tperson\u2019s\tactions point\tto\ta\tdeficiency\twithin\tourselves.","Have\tyou\tever\tnoticed\tthe\tfollowing\tto\tbe\ttrue?\tOnce\tyou\u2019ve\tfully\taccepted a\t facet\t of\t yourself\t or\t of\t your\t life,\t you\t don\u2019t\t hide\t from\t it\t anymore.\t You\t don\u2019t care\t who\t knows,\t who\t finds\t out,\t and\t you\t certainly\t don\u2019t\t let\t it\t hold\t you\t back. Now\timagine\ta\tlife\twhere\tthere\tis\ttotal\tand\tcomplete\tacceptance.\tNo\tmasks.\tNo games.\t No\t pretending.\t When\t you\t no\t longer\t hide\t from\t yourself,\t your\t false identity\t dissolves\t because\t its\t only\t purpose\t was\t to\t keep\t you\t from\t seeing yourself.\t At\t this\t point,\t your\t fears\t dissolve\t because\t there\t is\t no\t longer\t the\t threat of\texposing\tyour\treal\tself\tto\tyourself,\tor\tto\tothers.\tYou\tbecome\tfree\tbecause\tyou are\tshame\tfree,\tand\twith\tthis\tfreedom,\tyou\tbecome\tanger\tfree. ACCEPTANCE\tIS\tNOT\tAPPROVAL We\t often\t confuse\t acceptance\t and\t approval.\t This\t erroneous\t thinking\t not\t only negates\tthe\tconcept\tof\tunconditional\tlove,\tbut\talso\timpairs\tour\tability\tto\taccept ourselves,\t faults\t and\t all.\t Acceptance\t doesn\u2019t\t mean\t that\t we\t sit\t back\t and\t resign ourselves\t to\t victimhood.\t To\t the\t contrary,\t acceptance\t is\t the\t path\t to\t growth.\t If\t I want\tto\tgo\tfrom\tPoint\tA\tto\tPoint\tB,\tI\tfirst\tneed\tto\tacknowledge\tthat\tI\u2019m\tat\tPoint A.\tIf\tI\thide\tfrom\tmyself\u2014who\tI\tam\tand\twhere\tI\tam\u2014then\tI\twill\tnever\tbe\table to\t move\t forward.\t Acceptance\t is\t not\t passivity,\t but\t the\t seed\t of\t change,\t because we\t cannot\t grow\t beyond\t that\t which\t we\t refuse\t to\t accept\t even\t exists.\t The paradoxical\t theory\t of\t change\t states\t that\t \u201cChange\t occurs\t when\t one\t becomes what\t he\t is,\t not\t when\t he\t tries\t to\t become\t what\t he\t is\t not.\u2026\t One\t must\t first\t fully experience\t what\t one\t is\t before\t recognizing\t all\t the\t alternatives\t of\t what\t he\t may be.\u201d2 Let\u2019s\t introduce\t another\t quote\t by\t Carl\t Jung:\t \u201cEverything\t that\t irritates\t us about\t others\t can\t lead\t us\t to\t an\t understanding\t of\t ourselves.\u201d\t If\t we\t accept ourselves,\twe\talso\tavoid\ta\tpowerful\tanger\ttrigger\u2014the\tmirror\teffect.\tIt\thas\toften been\tsaid\tthat\twe\tfeel\tannoyed\tby\ttraits\tin\tothers\tthat\twe\tourselves\tpossess.\tThis isn\u2019t\t quite\t true.\t The\t very\t reason\t that\t we\u2019re\t able\t to\t perceive\t certain\t faults\t in others\t may\t be\t because\t they\t lie\t within\t ourselves,\t but\t observing\t the\t trait\t and becoming\t upset\t by\t it\t are\t two\t very\t different\t things.\t Our\t intellectual\t observation becomes\t emotionally\t charged\t only\t when\t we\t have\t not\t yet\t accepted\t this\t fault within\tourselves.\tIf\twe\taccept\ta\tfailing\tin\tourselves,\tseeing\tit\temerge\tin\tanother evokes\tgreat\tempathy,\tbecause\twe\tknow\tjust\twhat\tthis\tperson\tis\tgoing\tthrough. We\t can\t see\t through\t the\t lens\t of\t love\t and\t kindness,\t and\t we\t can\t better\t help\t him become\tmore\tself-aware.","When\t the\t person\t sees\t that\t our\t motivation\t is\t pure\t and\t out\t of\t love,\t it\u2019s\t an entirely\t different\t conversation\t than\t if\t our\t ego\t is\t involved,\t because\t then\t our words\t will\t feel\t like\t an\t attack\t rather\t than\t an\t act\t of\t kindness.\t Any\t rebuke\t that comes\tfrom\ta\tplace\tof\tanger\tor\tresentment\tis\tnot\tgoing\tto\tbe\toffered\tor\treceived as\t a\t loving\t observation.\t In\t Proverbs,\t King\t Solomon\t wrote,\t \u201cJust\t as\t water reflects\ta\tface\tto\ta\tface,\tso\tdoes\tthe\theart\tof\tman\treflect\tone\tto\tanother.\u201d3 SEALING\tTHE\tENERGY\tLEAK The\tquality\tof\tour\tlives\thinges\ton\tthe\tquality\tof\tour\tchoices.\tTrue\tenough\u2014but is\tthis\tenough?\tMany\tof\tus\twalk\taround\tbruised\tand\tbattered\tby\u2014take\tyour\tpick \u2014trauma,\t tragedy,\t an\t abusive\t childhood,\t abusive\t relationships,\t or\t sick\t or\t evil people\twho\thave\twalked\tthrough\tour\tlives\tand\twalked\tover\tus.\tWhat\tcan\twe\tdo with\t that\t message\t playing\t over\t and\t over\t in\t our\t minds\u2014a\t message\t that\t courses through\tour\tveins,\tsaying,\t\u201cI\u2019m\tworthless\u201d? As\t was\t discussed\t in\t Chapter\t 8,\t perspective\t gives\t us\t the\t natural\t ability\t to frame\ta\ttrauma\tin\ta\tmeaningful\tcontext\tbefore\tit\tbecomes\tfused\twith\tour\tidentity and\t part\t of\t a\t self-sustaining\t story\t that\t defines\t us.\t Yet\t when\t the\t trauma\t occurs during\t our\t formative\t years,\t it\u2019s\t difficult\t to\t break\t free\t because\t the\t story\t is\t all controlling\t and\t all\t consuming\u2014it\u2019s\t the\t only\t narrative\t we\t know.\t To\t move\t our lives\tforward\twe\tmust\tface\tourselves;\tand\tto\tlove\tand\taccept\twhat\twe\tsee\u2014we must\tface\tour\tpast.","13 Trauma,\tTragedy,\tand\tTriggers When\t we\t feel\t powerless\t over\t the\t unknown,\t we\t may\t become\t angry\t to\t feed\t the illusion\t of\t control\u2014even\t if\t that\t anger\t is\t directed\t at\t ourselves.\t Have\t you\t ever heard\t someone\t say,\t \u201cThe\t worst\t is\t not\t knowing?\u201d\t Even\t bad\u2014painful\u2014news may\tbe\twelcomed\tover\tthe\tunknown.\tSimilarly,\tthe\tworld\thurts\tme\tin\tways\tthat I\t cannot\t predict\t or\t control,\t but\t by\t harming\t myself\t I\t gain\t control\t over\t my\t own pain.\t We\t will\t inflict\t pain\t upon\t ourselves\u2014completely\t self-destruct,\t if\t we\t must \u2014simply\tto\tbe\tin\tcontrol\tof\tit.\tIn\tdoing\tso,\twe\thave\tremoved\tthe\tgreater\tthreat: the\t debilitating,\t merciless\t pain\t of\t fear.\t We\t have\t made\t our\t pain\t predictable\t and known.\tFeelings\tof\tguilt\t(\u201cI\thave\thurt\tanother;\tI\tdid\twrong\u201d)\tand\tshame\t(\u201cI\tam bad;\t I\t am\t less\u201d)\t intensify\t our\t motivation\t for\t self-harm\t because\t we\t want\t to punish\tourselves,\tto\texact\tjustice,\tto\tright\tthe\twrongs. This\tdeeply\tflawed\tapproach\tto\tpain\tmanagement\ttakes\tan\tinevitably\tcrueler turn,\t because\t the\t fear\t of\t uncontrolled\t pain\t is\t eclipsed\t by\t the\t pain\t of\t feeling nothing\tat\tall.\tWhen\twe\tattempt\tto\tbypass\tthe\tpain\tof\tliving\twe\tbecome\tnumb\tto life\titself\tand\tthe\treal\ttragedy\tis\tnot\tthat\twe\thave\tlost\tour\tway,\tbut\tthat\twe\tdo\tnot care\tthat\tthere\tis\ta\tway. THE\tPOWER\tOF\tDECISION Whatever\tthe\tsituation,\twhatever\tthe\thorror\u2014neglect,\thumiliation,\tabandonment \u2014when\twe\tunderstand\tthat\tanger\tis\ta\tchoice,\twe\tbegin\tto\tseal\tthe\tbreach\tin\tour self-esteem.\t Many\t people\t might\t have\t treated\t us\t poorly,\t even\t abusively,\t and\t no doubt\t bear\t fault\t for\t our\t ensuing\t self-destructive\t behaviors.\t Yet\t right\t here\t and now,\t blame\t won\u2019t\t move\t us\t forward\t in\t life.\t It\t won\u2019t\t make\t us\t one\t bit\t happier\t or more\tfulfilled.\tTaking\tresponsibility\tnow,\thowever,\twill.\tThis\tisn\u2019t\ta\tquestion\tof","whether\twe\tdelay\tdeciding\tor\tdo\tit\timmediately.\tWe\tare\tmaking\ta\tchoice\tevery moment\tof\tevery\tday\tto\thold\ton\tto\tresentment\tor\tlet\tit\tgo. The\t quality\t of\t our\t lives\t is\t directly\t proportional\t to\t the\t amount\t of responsibility\t we\t willingly\t accept\t for\t what\t we\t can\t control.\t Living\t responsibly means\t that\t you\t maximize\t that\t control.\t In\t every\t instant,\t you\t have\t a\t say\t in\t what happens.\tYou\tmake\ta\tchoice.\tIn\tmagical\tmoments,\tyou\tstop\trepeating\tthe\tfutile mantra\t of\t \u201cHow\t did\t I\t get\t here?\u201d\t or\t \u201cI\t can\u2019t\t help\t myself,\u201d\t and\t instead\t open yourself\tup\tto\ta\tnew\tpossibility:\t\u201cWhat\tis\twithin\tmy\tcontrol\tright\tnow\tthat\twill help\tme\tto\tvalue\twho\tI\tam?\tTo\tremind\tmyself\tthat\tI\tam\ta\tperson\tof\tdignity\tand worthy\tof\tself-respect.\u201d RETHREADING\tTHE\tGIFT\tOF ACCEPTANCE Total\t acceptance\t includes\t the\t acknowledgment\t that\t some\t of\t life\u2019s\t most\t painful ordeals\t are\t beyond\t our\t understanding,\t much\t less\t our\t comprehension.\t Once\t we come\tto\tthis\tplace\tof\tacceptance,\tthe\tego\twill\tno\tlonger\tforce\tits\town\tdestructive narrative.\t The\t ego\t demands\t to\t know\t why.\t If\t we\t accept\t or,\t better\t still,\t embrace, the\t unknown\u2014that\t although\t we\t cannot\t fathom\t why,\t we\t know\t that\t the\t why\t is geared\ttoward\tthe\tsoul\u2019s\tultimate\tgood\u2014then\twe\tare\tfree.\tIf\twe\tallow\tour\tego\tto get\tthe\tbetter\tof\tus,\tthen\tit\twill\ttake\tover\tour\tworldview,\thighjacking\tour\tvalues and\tdistorting\tour\tbeliefs\tin\ta\tfutile\tattempt\tto\tforge\ta\tknown\tout\tof\tan\tunknown. It\t is\t normal\t and\t natural\u2014as\t well\t as\t healing\t and\t healthy\u2014to\t mine\t our experiences\t for\t meaning,\t to\t try\t to\t gain\t insight\t and\t understanding.\t Yet,\t to whatever\tdegree\twe\tfall\tshort,\twe\tcannot\tfabricate\ta\treason,\tbecause\tthat\treason is\tfalse,\tand\tthis\tfalsehood\tputs\ta\tstranglehold\ton\tthe\tentirety\tof\tour\tlives.\tThen what\tpasses\tfor\tliving\tone\u2019s\tlife\tis\treally\ta\tresponse\tto\ttrauma.\tLet\u2019s\tlook\tat\tthe psychology\tinvolved. Statistically\t speaking,\t a\t woman\t who\t is\t highly\t promiscuous\t and\t engaged\t in rampant,\t casual\t sex\t or\t prostitution\t was\t most\t likely\t sexually\t abused,\t in\t some fashion,\tas\ta\tgirl\tor\tyoung\tadult\u2014more\tthan\t85\tpercent\tof\tprostitutes\thave\tbeen sexually\tabused\tin\tchildhood.\tTo\treconcile\tand\tmake\tsense\tof\twhat\thappened\tto her,\t this\t woman\t is\t forced,\t albeit\t subconsciously,\t to\t reduce\t the\t significance\t of the\t event.\t By\t diluting\t the\t value\t and\t sanctity\t of\t sexual\t relations,\t her\t willful promiscuity\tmakes\twhat\thappened\tto\ther\tfeel\tless\tpainful.\tSimply\tput,\tthe\tvalue","of\t what\t was\t harmed,\t or\t taken\t from\t her,\t has\t been\t reduced.\t (Though\t futile,\t the ego\t also\t attempts\t to\t dilute\t associated\t feelings\t of\t vulnerability\t and\t helplessness by\texperiencing\tthe\tre-expression\tof\tthe\ttrauma\tagain\tand\tagain,\tbut\twith\ther\tin charge\teach\ttime.) Devaluing\tintimacy\tto\tthe\tpoint\tof\tinsignificance\treinforces\ther\tattitude\tthat it\tdoes\tnot\tmatter;\tor\tperhaps\tshe\twill\tconclude\tthe\tshe\tdoesn\u2019t\tmatter,\tin\twhich case\t it\t also\t makes\t sense.\t What\u2019s\t the\t harm\t in\t damaging\t someone\t who\t is worthless?\tIf\tthis\tis\ther\tconclusion\tthen\ta\thost\tof\tself-destructive\tbehaviors\twill quickly\t follow\t suit\t to\t reinforce\t that\t she\t is\t indeed\t nothing,\t and\t not\t worth investing\tin,\tcaring\tfor,\tor\tprotecting.\tCertainly\tall\tis\twell\tand\tjust\tin\tthe\tworld\tif a\tworthless\tperson\tis\tabused.\tWhere\u2019s\tthe\tharm\tin\tthat?\tThrowing\tgarbage\tinto\ta garbage\t can\t makes\t sense.\t Of\t course,\t courtesy\t of\t misplaced\t shame,\t she\t may conclude\tthat\tshe\tis\tto\tblame,\tin\twhich\tcase\tshe\tdid\tthis\tto\therself.\tThe\tego\tcan live\twith\tthat.\t(Parenthetically,\tthis\tis\tnot\tunlike\tthe\twarped\tsolace\tone\tmay\ttake upon\tlearning\tthat\tan\taccident\tvictim\tcontributed\tto\this\tfate.\tHe\twas\tdrinking;\the was\tan\tabusive\tperson.\tThis\tmakes\tsense\tto\tus.\tHe\twas\tnot\tan\tinnocent\trandom casualty\tof\tan\tundeserved\tfate.\tHe\thad\tit\tcoming.)\tThe\tsoul\trecognizes\tabsolute justice\t lies\t beyond\t the\t veil\t of\t the\t finite,\t but\t the\t ego\t insists\t on\t drawing connections\t and\t concocting\t conclusions\t to\t explain\t the\t unexplainable\u2014and\t to remove\ta\tstain\tof\tshame\tthat\tdoesn\u2019t\texist. There\t is\t not\t always\t a\t why\t that\t we\t can\t understand\t from\t our\t limited perspective.\t Once\t we\t are\t willing\t to\t accept\t this,\t we\t no\t longer\t live\t in\t a personality\t created\t with\t the\t singular\t objective\t of\t making\t sense\t of\t that\t which\t is unknowable.\tWe\tmove\ttoward\tfreedom.\tWe\tmove\ttoward\tlife.","14 It\u2019s\tNot\tToo\tLate\tto\tHave\ta\tHappy\tChildhood Even\t when\t we\t strive\t every\t which\t way\u2014to\t be\t good\t and\t to\t do\t good\u2014we\t can find\t a\t hole\t in\t our\t self-esteem\t thanks\t to\t childhood.\t Before\t we\t begin\t laying blame,\t it\u2019s\t important\t to\t recall\t that\t even\t a\t child\t whose\t parents\t do\t everything right\t (theoretically)\t will\t still\t transition\t to\t adulthood\t with\t imperfect\t self-esteem. A\tperson\u2019s\tself-esteem\tmay\thave\tbeen\tinjured\tby\tacademic\tissues,\tsocial\tfactors, or\thealth\tproblems;\tbut\tin\tand\tof\tthemselves,\tnone\tof\tthese\tare\tmore\tdetrimental than\tgrowing\tup\tin\ta\thouse\twith\ta\tparent\twho\tsuffers\tfrom\tlow\tself-esteem\u2014and not\tnecessarily\tbecause\tof\tovert\tabuse. Children\t who\t are\t raised\t in\t a\t loving\t and\t nurturing\t environment\t can\t also suffer\t emotionally\t if\t a\t parent\t becomes\t unusually\t overprotective.\t This\t instills\t a climate\t of\t fear\t and\t dread\t into\t every\t aspect\t of\t life\t that\t is\t unknown\t or unpredictable,\tand\tcauses\tchildren\tto\tbe\toverly\tself-conscious\tand\tanxious\u2014and fear,\t we\t know,\t is\t the\t precursor\t to\t anger.\t Such\t children\t typically\t develop\t into adults\t who\t are\t sensitive\t to\t rejection,\t emotionally\t fragile,\t and\t who\t lack confidence.\t While\t well-intentioned,\t overprotective\t behavior\t is\t indicative\t of\t the parent\u2019s\t own\t lack\t of\t self-esteem,\t with\t any\t one\t or\t more\t of\t the\t following motivations\t and\t manifestations:\t The\t parent\t a)\t cannot\t bear\t for\t his\t child\t to\t be afraid\t or\t hurt\t (a\t projection\t of\t his\t own\t fears\t and\t insecurities);\t b)\t is\t fearful\t that the\tchild\twill\tnot\tlove\thim\tor\twill\tbecome\tangry\twith\thim\tif\tdiscipline\tis\tused;\tc) wants\t the\t child\t to\t be\t his\t friend\t and\t is\t uncomfortable\t exerting\t appropriate\t and responsible\tauthority;\tand\/or\td)\tdesires\tthat\tthe\tchild\tbe\tforever\tdependent\ton\tthe parent\t so\t he\t can\t fill\t his\t own\t emotional\t holes\t by\t feeling\t useful\t and\/or maintaining\tcontrol\tover\tthe\tchild\u2019s\tlife.1 The\tabove\tnotwithstanding,\ta\tpronounced\timpact\tto\tan\tadult\u2019s\tself-esteem\tis often\towed\tto\this\tsuffering\tfrom\tlack\tof\tproperly\texpressed\tlove\tor\texperiencing intense\t turmoil\t at\t an\t early\t age.\t For\t egocentric\t beings\t (children),\t it\t is\t easy\t to","ascribe\t a\t failure\t within\t themselves\t as\t the\t reason\t behind\t a\t parent\u2019s\t behavior. What\tseven-year-old\tchild\tis\tgoing\tto\tsay\tto\thimself,\tWow,\tDad\tjust\tlost\tthat\tbig account\t at\t work,\t so\t he\u2019s\t letting\t off\t a\t little\t steam\t and\t taking\t it\t out\t on\t me.\t But that\u2019s\tokay;\tI\tknow\tit\u2019s\tgot\tnothing\tto\tdo\twith\tme.\tHe\u2019s\tjust\thaving\ta\thard\tday. A\tparent\tbecomes\tangry\twith\tthe\tchild,\tand\tso\tthe\tchild\tnaturally\tconcludes\tthat there\t is\t a\t flaw\t within\t himself.\t Enter,\t shame.\t He\t translates\t his\t parent\u2019s\t anger into,\t \u201cI\t am\t unworthy\t of\t his\t love,\u201d\t which\t soon\t becomes,\t \u201cI\t am\t not\t worthy\t of being\t loved.\u201d\t Now,\t if\t a\t child\t can\t form\t these\t conclusions\u2014as\t many\t do\u2014with loving\t parents,\t imagine\t how\t easy\t it\t is\t for\t the\t child\t to\t draw\t the\t conclusion\t that he\tis\tunlovable\tor\tbad\twhen\the\tis\tbeing\traised\tby\tabusive\tparents. If\twe\tdid\tnot\treceive\tlove\tfrom\tour\tparents\tas\tchildren,\tor\tfelt\tthat\tour\tlives were\t out\t of\t control\t due\t to\t trauma\t or\t domestic\t volatility,\t we\t may\t needlessly spend\tthe\trest\tof\tour\tlives\tthirsting\tfor\tlove\tand\tacceptance.\tEverything\twe\tdo\tis intended\tto\tbring\tus\tto\tthat\tend;\tbut\tthere\tis\tno\tend\tbecause\tyou\tcannot\tfix\twhat is\tnot\tbroken.\tWe\tare\talready\twhole.\tWe\thave\talways\tbeen\twhole. The\t love\t that\t parents\t give\t children\t is\t determined\t by\t their\t own\t limitations, not\t those\t of\t the\t children.\t It\t never\t occurs\t to\t us\t as\t children\t that\t maybe\t it\t has nothing\tto\tdo\twith\tus.\tIf\ta\tmother\tis\tcapable\tof\tlove,\tshe\twill\tbe\tloving\tto\tall\tof her\tchildren,\teven\tone\twho\tturns\tout\tto\tbe\ta\tmurderer.\tBut\tif\tshe\tlacks\tthe\tability to\t love,\t then\t even\t an\t innocent\t well-mannered\t child\t will\t be\t subject\t to\t her hostility,\t because\t she\t is\t incapable\t of\t giving.\t As\t adults,\t we\t can\t still\t find\t it difficult\t to\t appreciate\t that\t our\t self-worth\t is\t not\t contingent\t on\t our\t parents\u2019 acceptance\t of\t us.\t Recall\t that\t the\t ego\t concocted\t the\t equation:\t How\t someone treats\tme\tis\ta\treflection\tof\tmy\tself-worth.\tThis\tis\tnot\tso.\tWe\tare\tnot\tless\tbecause someone\tcan\u2019t\tlove\tus. If\twe\tsaw\ta\tperson\tin\ta\twheelchair,\twe\twouldn\u2019t\tget\tmad\tat\thim\tbecause\the can\u2019t\t get\t up\t and\t walk.\t Somebody\t who\t is\t emotionally\t handicapped\t is\t equally challenged.\t Does\t it\t make\t sense\t to\t resent\t a\t parent\t for\t not\t being\t able\t to\t give\t us something\tthat\the\tor\tshe\tdoesn\u2019t\thave?\tDo\twe\twant\tto\thold\ton\tto\tanger\tbecause our\t mother\t or\t father\t was,\t and\t still\t may\t be,\t incapable\t of\t loving\t us?\t People\t give love.\tIf\tthey\tdon\u2019t\thave\tit,\tthen\tthey\tcan\u2019t\tgive\tit,\tregardless\tof\thow\tdesperately their\t soul\t yearns\t to\t love\t their\t own\t child.\t As\t we\t discussed\t in\t Chapter\t 4,\t how someone\t treats\t us\u2014even\t if\t it\u2019s\t our\t parents\u2014provides\t a\t window\t into\t their\t own feelings\t of\t self-worth\t or\t lack\t thereof,\t but\t it\t reveals\t nothing\t of\t our\t self-worth. The\t question\t we\t want\t to\t ask\t ourselves\t is,\t \u201cWhat\t kind\t of\t person\t would\t I\t be today,\t if\t I\t were\t treated\t differently\t as\t a\t child?\u201d\t Whoever\t that\t person\t is,\t is\t who you\treally\tare.","DOUBLE\tWHAMMY Relationship\t issues\t with\t our\t parents\t often\t affect\t our\t relationship\t with\t God\t for two\t interlacing\t reasons.\t One,\t a\t poor\u2014let\u2019s\t call\t it\t complicated\u2014relationship with\ta\tparent\t(or\tparents)\toften\tinjures\tthe\tchild\u2019s\tself-esteem,\tin\twhich\tcase\the will\t have\t difficulty\t feeling\t and\t accepting\t God\u2019s\t love\t for\t him;\t inevitably,\t the choices\the\tmakes\twill\tfurther\tentangle\tthe\tego\tand\tcontinue\tto\tsqueeze\tGod\tout of\this\tlife.\tSecond,\ta\tparent\tis\tthe\tfirst\tauthority\tfigure\tin\ta\tchild\u2019s\tlife,\tso\ta\tchild who\twas\tmistreated\tby\ta\tparent\t(or\tby\tanyone\tin\tauthority)\tmay\thave\tdifficulty accepting,\tlet\talone\ttrusting,\tthe\tultimate\tauthority\tof\tGod. The\t Ten\t Commandments\t are\t divided\t into\t two\t categories:\t The\t first\t five contain\t the\t man-to-God\t commandments,\t and\t the\t second\t five,\t the\t man-to-man commandments.\tRevealingly,\tthe\tfifth\tcommandment\tto\thonor\tour\tparents\tis\ton the\tman-to-God\tside\tof\tthe\ttablets.\tThis\tis\tbecause\twe\tdon\u2019t\tfind\tit\teasy\tto\tlove, and\t to\t feel\t loved\t by,\t the\t Creator\t of\t the\t universe\t while\t holding\t on\t to\t anger toward\t our\t parents.\t On\t many\t levels,\t the\t relationship\t between\t child\t and\t parent symbolizes\t and,\t often\t determines,\t our\t relationship\t with\t God.\t By\t honoring\t our parents\t (or\t at\t least\t not\t hating,\t and\t acknowledging\t that\t they\t have\t their\t own \u201cbaggage\u201d\tand\tare\tsuffering\tthemselves)\twe\tcultivate\tan\tappreciation\tfor,\tand\tan understanding\t of,\t how\t much\t our\t parents\t love\t us\t (or\t perhaps\t long\t to),\t despite their\t limitations.\t This\t awareness\t then\t enhances\t our\t relationship\t with\t God because\t it\t helps\t us\t to\t recognize\t that\t there\t are\t no\t limitations\t to\t God\u2019s\t total\t and unconditional\tlove\tfor\tus. An\t emotionally\t healthy\t person\t will\t not\t have\t considerable\t unresolved\t anger toward\ta\tparent.\tIt\tis\thighly\timprobable\tthat\tanyone\tcan\tenjoy\tpositive,\tlet\talone deep\t and\t meaningful,\t relationships\t while\t this\t anger\t exists.\t Anyone\t who\t feels anger\t toward\t a\t parent\t must\t make\t it\t a\t priority\t to\t move\t past\t it\u2014or,\t better,\t to reframe\tthe\tnegative\tfeelings\tinto\tmore\taccurate\tand\tpositive\tfeelings. REFRAMING\tTHE\tPAST A\t shift\t in\t perspective\t now\t allows\t us\t to\t undo\t our\t perception\t of\t the\t past\t by reframing\tit\u2014and\tpermanently\talter\thow\twe\tsee\tourselves\tand\tour\tworld.\tRecall that\tcontext\tgives\trise\tto\tmeaning,\tso\tby\treframing\tthe\tpast\tand\tputting\tit\tinto\ta different\t context,\t we\t change\t what\t it\t means\u2014instantly\t and\t automatically.\t Let\u2019s take\ta\tbanal\texample\tfrom\teveryday\tlife.\tHow\toften\tdoes\ta\tbook\u2019s\tending\tmake or\t break\t the\t book?\t Do\t we\t find\t it\t less\t enjoyable\t because\t of\t a\t silly\t ending?\t Sort","of.\t We\t read\t it\t and\t enjoy\t it,\t but\t the\t ending\t changes\t the\t enjoyment\t of\t what\t we have\t just\t read.\t And,\t too,\t an\t exciting\t twist\t at\t the\t end\t shines\t a\t new\t light\t on\t the entire\tstory\u2014we\treplay\tin\tour\tminds\tthe\tscenes\twe\tthought\tmeant\tone\tthing,\tbut ahh,\tnow\twe\tsee\tsomething\telse\tentirely.\tEverything\tchanges. It\u2019s\t difficult\t for\t us\t to\t grasp\t the\t concept\t that\t reality\t is\t not\t linear\t and\t that\t a shift\t in\t perspective\t can\t create\t retroactive\t changes\t in\t our\t attitude,\t feelings,\t and thoughts.\t But\t let\u2019s\t imagine\t an\t elderly\t woman\t who,\t after\t believing\t that\t she\t was happily\tmarried\tfor\tsixty\tyears,\tis\ttold\ton\ther\tdeathbed\tthat\ther\trecently\tdeparted husband\t never\t loved\t her\u2014that\t her\t parents\t had\t paid\t him\t $10\t million\t to\t marry her,\tand,\ton\ttop\tof\tthat,\the\thad\ta\tsecret\tlife\twith\tanother\twife\tin\ta\tdifferent\tcity. Can\t we\t say\t that\t she\t was\t happy\t her\t entire\t life\t and\t that\t only\t her\t last\t thirty seconds\t were\t difficult?\t Did\t the\t birthday\t celebrations,\t anniversaries,\t walks, conversations,\t laughter,\t and\t memories\t of\t beautiful\t vacations\t disappear?\t No. They\tare\tthere\tin\ther\tmemory,\tbut\tthey\u2019ve\tchanged.\tHer\tpast\tis\tnow\tdifferent.\tIf, after\tshe\theard\tthis\trevelation,\tsomeone\twere\tto\task\tthis\twoman,\t\u201cHow\twas\tyour life?\u201d\twhat\twould\tshe\tanswer?\tWould\tshe\teasily\tsay,\t\u201cWonderful\u201d?\tMore\tlikely, she\t would\t say,\t \u201cAwful,\t sad,\t and\t heartbreaking.\u201d\t The\t characters\t and\t the\t events are\tstill\tfixed\tin\ttime,\tbut\twe\tcan\tglimpse\thow\tthe\t\u201cnow\u201d\thas\tan\timpact\ton\twhat came\tbefore\tit. That\u2019s\tnot\tto\tsay\twe\tshould\ttry\tto\tconvince\tourselves\tthat\tour\tpast\tcarries\tno meaning.\tInstead,\twe\tshould\tsimply\tallow\tfor\tthe\tpossibility\tthat\tthe\tmeaning\twe assigned\tto\tevents\tmight\tnot\tbe\ttrue,\tand\tthat\thow\twe\tfeel\tabout\tourselves\tbased on\t a\t damaged\t relationship\t or\t trauma\t is\t an\t inaccurately\t formed\t conclusion.\t We don\u2019t\t have\t to\t hate\t ourselves\t because\t someone\t else\t hates\t us.\t We\t don\u2019t\t have\t to harm\t ourselves\t because\t some\t else\t harmed\t us.\t We\t are\t not\t unlovable\t because someone\tis\tincapable\tof\tloving\tus. A\tRETURN\tON\tOUR\tINVESTMENT Research\t shows\t that\t forgiveness\t not\t only\t restores\t positive\t feelings\t toward\t the offender,\t but\t also,\t \u201cmay\t spill\t over\t beyond\t the\t relationship\t with\t the\t offender, promoting\t generalized\t prosocial\t orientation.\u201d2\t In\t other\t words,\t when\t we\t forgive someone\twho\thas\thurt\tus,\tall\tof\tour\trelationships\tseem\tto\tbenefit.\tThe\topposite is\talso\ttrue.\tUnresolved\tanger\tfrom\ta\tsoured\trelationship\twill\tseep\tinto\tour\tother relationships. This\t is\t a\t function\t of\t human\t design,\t whereby\t we\t hold\t on\t to\t painful","experiences\t (physical,\t as\t well\t as\t psychological),\t in\t order\t to\t learn\t from\t those experiences\t and\t to\t avoid\t repeating\t them.\t Until\t we\t acknowledge\t them,\t they remain\tpart\tof\tus.\tThink\tof\tthe\tevents\tin\tyour\tlife\tthat\tyou\trefuse\tto\trelease,\tand contrast\t them\t with\t those\t you\t have\t accepted.\t The\t brain\t develops\t specific pathways\tto\talert\tyou\tto\ta\tpotential\tthreat,\tand\tthe\twiring\tremains\tin\teffect\tuntil you\t process\t out\t the\t emotion.3\t The\t more\t we\t ruminate\t and\t re-energize\t the wrongs,\t the\t stronger\t the\t neural\t pathways\t become,\t and\t we\t wire\t ourselves\t to become\tangry\tand\tresentful\tpeople\u2014to\teveryone.\tWhen\twe\thold\ton\tto\tanger,\twe are\t the\t ones\t who\t suffer\u2014emotionally,\t spiritually,\t and\t physically.\t Biofeedback shows\tan\tinstant\tincrease\tin\tstress\twhen\ta\tperson\thas\tanger-producing\tthoughts or\t recalls\t memories\t of\t insult\t or\t resentment.\t Correspondingly,\t feelings\t of forgiveness\t instantly\t lower\t stress\t levels,\t producing\t a\t host\t of\t chemical\t and neuromuscular\tchanges\tin\tthe\tperson. The\t physical\t and\t emotional\t benefits\t of\t forgiveness\t are\t well\t documented. Forgiveness\t is\t directly\t correlated\t to\t a\t person\t experiencing\t less\t anxiety,\t stress, and\t hostility,\t as\t well\t as\t fewer\t symptoms\t of\t depression,\t and\t less\t risk\t of\t alcohol and\t substance\t abuse.4\t Other\t research\t finds\t forgiveness\t to\t be\t positively associated\t with\t five\t measures\t of\t health:\t physical\t symptoms,\t medications\t used, sleep\tquality,\tfatigue,\tand\tsomatic\tconditions.5 GIVING\tAND\tLOVING When\t a\t person\t gives,\t he\t loves\t the\t person\t he\t gives\t to\t even\t more\u2014and\t so\t he plants\tlove,\tand\tit\tgrows.\tA\tchild\tprimarily\treceives\tand\ta\tparent\ttypically\tgives \u2014which\t person\t usually\t loves\t the\t other\t more?\t Some\t children\t can\u2019t\t wait\t to\t get out\t of\t the\t house,\t while\t the\t parent\t remains\t forever\t concerned\t with\t the\t child\u2019s well-being.\t Every\t positive\t emotion\t stems\t from\t giving\t and\t flows\t outward\t from us\t to\t others,\t whereas\t every\t negative\t emotion\t revolves\t around\t our\t taking\t from others. Studies\t prove\t that\t we\t are\t inclined\t to\t dislike\t others\t more\t after\t we\t do\t them harm\t because\t we\t are\t unconsciously\t driven\t to\t distance\t ourselves\t emotionally\t in an\tattempt\tto\treduce\tthe\tcognitive\tdissonance.\tThe\tinternal\tconflict\twe\tcreate\tis, Why\tdid\tI\tdo\tthis\tto\tthis\tperson?\tThe\tjustification\tmust\tthen\tbecome,\tIt\tmust\tbe because\tI\treally\tdon\u2019t\tlike\thim\tand\/or\the\tdeserves\tit!\tOtherwise,\twe\tare\tforced\tto consider\tthe\tpossibility\tthat\tperhaps\twe\tare\tnot\tsuch\tgood\tpeople\tor\tact\tunfairly and\t unjustly.\t This\t principle\t works\t in\t reverse,\t too.\t We\t like\t people\t more\t after","doing\t something\t nice\t for\t them.\t If\t we\t do\t someone\t a\t favor,\t for\t example,\t we\u2019re likely\t to\t have\t positive\t feelings\t toward\t that\t person.\t An\t excerpt\t from\t Benjamin Franklin\u2019s\tautobiography: My\tfirst\tpromotion\twas\tmy\tbeing\tchosen,\tin\t1736,\tclerk\tof\tthe\tGeneral\tAssembly.\tThe\tchoice\twas\tmade that\tyear\twithout\topposition;\tbut\tthe\tyear\tfollowing,\twhen\tI\twas\tagain\tpropos\u2019d\t(the\tchoice,\tlike\tthat\tof the\tmembers,\tbeing\tannual),\ta\tnew\tmember\tmade\ta\tlong\tspeech\tagainst\tme,\tin\torder\tto\tfavour\tsome other\tcandidate.\tI\twas,\thowever,\tchosen,\twhich\twas\tthe\tmore\tagreeable\tto\tme,\tas,\tbesides\tthe\tpay\tfor the\timmediate\tservice\tas\tclerk,\tthe\tplace\tgave\tme\ta\tbetter\topportunity\tof\tkeeping\tup\tan\tinterest\tamong the\tmembers,\twhich\tsecur\u2019d\tto\tme\tthe\tbusiness\tof\tprinting\tthe\tvotes,\tlaws,\tpaper\tmoney,\tand\tother occasional\tjobs\tfor\tthe\tpublic,\tthat,\ton\tthe\twhole,\twere\tvery\tprofitable. I\ttherefore\tdid\tnot\tlike\tthe\topposition\tof\tthis\tnew\tmember,\twho\twas\ta\tgentleman\tof\tfortune\tand education,\twith\ttalents\tthat\twere\tlikely\tto\tgive\thim,\tin\ttime,\tgreat\tinfluence\tin\tthe\tHouse,\twhich,\tindeed, afterwards\thappened.\tI\tdid\tnot,\thowever,\taim\tat\tgaining\this\tfavour\tby\tpaying\tany\tservile\trespect\tto\thim, but,\tafter\tsome\ttime,\ttook\tthis\tother\tmethod.\tHaving\theard\tthat\the\thad\tin\this\tlibrary\ta\tcertain\tvery\tscarce and\tcurious\tbook,\tI\twrote\ta\tnote\tto\thim,\texpressing\tmy\tdesire\tof\tperusing\tthat\tbook,\tand\trequesting\the would\tdo\tme\tthe\tfavour\tof\tlending\tit\tto\tme\tfor\ta\tfew\tdays.\tHe\tsent\tit\timmediately,\tand\tI\treturn\u2019d\tit\tin about\ta\tweek\twith\tanother\tnote,\texpressing\tstrongly\tmy\tsense\tof\tthe\tfavour.\tWhen\twe\tnext\tmet\tin\tthe House,\the\tspoke\tto\tme\t(which\the\thad\tnever\tdone\tbefore),\tand\twith\tgreat\tcivility;\tand\the\tever\tafter manifested\ta\treadiness\tto\tserve\tme\ton\tall\toccasions,\tso\tthat\twe\tbecame\tgreat\tfriends,\tand\tour\tfriendship continued\tto\this\tdeath.\tThis\tis\tanother\tinstance\tof\tthe\ttruth\tof\tan\told\tmaxim\tI\thad\tlearned,\twhich\tsays, \u201cHe\tthat\thas\tonce\tdone\tyou\ta\tkindness\twill\tbe\tmore\tready\tto\tdo\tyou\tanother,\tthan\the\twhom\tyou yourself\thave\tobliged.\u201d\tAnd\tit\tshows\thow\tmuch\tmore\tprofitable\tit\tis\tprudently\tto\t\u2026\treturn,\tand continue\tinimical\tproceedings.6 In\t Chapter\t 23,\t we\t explore\t a\t fascinating\t phenomenon\t called\t facial\t feedback hypothesis,\t which\t states\t that\t an\t incongruous\t expression\t or\t behavior\t forces\t the subconscious\t to\t recalibrate\t our\t feelings\t and\t beliefs,\t in\t order\t to\t reconcile\t itself. Not\tonly\tis\tthis\teffective\tin\tthe\tmoment,\tbut\tit\talso\thelps\tmitigate\tour\thostility\tor disdain\t toward\t another\t person.\t This\t is\t particularly\t effective\t to\t use\t with\t people closest\t to\t us,\t whom\t we\t might\t behave\t passive-aggressively\t toward.\t It\u2019s\t a powerful\tway\tto\tuproot\tour\tlatent\tanger. Regardless\tof\tthe\trelationship\tstatus,\teven\tif\twe\twant\tnothing\tto\tdo\twith\tthis person,\t we\t will\t still\t find\t it\t highly\t useful\t to\t forgive,\t because\t forgiveness\t allows us\tto\tlet\tgo\tof\tthe\tpast\tand\tease\tour\tlives\tforward.\tEven\tif\tthe\tperson\tis\tno\tlonger alive,\twe\tcan\tbest\tmelt\taway\tour\tresentment\tby\tdoing\tsomething\tin\tthis\tperson\u2019s memory\u2014give\t to\t a\t charity,\t perform\t an\t act\t of\t kindness,\t plant\t a\t tree,\t bring flowers\tto\tthe\tgrave.\tWe\tneed\tto\tdo\tsomething,\tanything,\tto\treinforce\tour\tdesire to\tlet\tgo\tand\tto\tmove\ton. There\t comes\t a\t time\t when\t we\t have\t to\t ask\t ourselves,\t How\t much\t time\t and effort\tdoes\tit\ttake\tfor\tme\tto\tstoke\tthe\tflames\tof\tanger,\tand\thow\tmuch\tmore\tof\tmy life\t will\t I\t devote\t to\t doing\t this?\t Even\t in\t the\t case\t of\t serious\t and\t significant wrongdoing,\t forgiveness\t doesn\u2019t\t mean\t that\t we\t deny\t the\t hurt,\t forget\t that\t it","happened,\tor\trecuse\tthe\toffender\tof\tresponsibility\tor\taccountability;\tit\tmeans\tthat we\u2019re\t not\t going\t to\t allow\t this\t person\t to\t destroy\t our\t potential,\t to\t harm\t us anymore.\tAt\tits\tcore,\tforgiveness\tis\ta\tchoice\tto\tgive\tup\tour\trole\tas\ta\tvictim.","15 My\tApologies,\tPlease Most\tof\tour\tanger\tissues\tstem\tfrom\tour\tunwillingness\tto\tdeal\u2014aka\tface\tthe\tpain \u2014with\teither\tsomething\tsomeone\tdid\tto\tus\t(producing\tanger),\tor\tsomething\twe did\t (producing\t guilt\t or\t shame\u2014which\t is\t anger\t turned\t inward).\t Unless\t we\t act responsibly\t now,\t to\t \u201cright\t our\t wrongs,\u201d\t we\t will\t find\t a\t steady\t leak\t in\t our\t self- esteem. FORGIVENESS\tBEGINS\tAT\tHOME Have\tyou\tever\tnoticed\tthat\twhen\tyou\u2019re\tangry\twith\tyourself,\tyou\u2019re\tmore\tprone to\t bang\t into\t things\t or\t knock\t them\t over?\t Through\t such\t behavior,\t we unconsciously\t attempt\t to\t get\t back\t at\t ourselves\t for\t making\t a\t decision\t that\t we have\t remorse\t over.\t Guilt,\t a\t negative\t force,\t weighs\t us\t down,\t causing\t us\t to engage\t in\t unconsciously\t motivated\t self-harm.\t According\t to\t research\u2014and common\t sense\u2014guilt\t gives\t rise\t to\t self-destructive\t tendencies\t and\t makes\t us desire\tto\tsuffer\tor\tbe\tpunished.1 We\t must\t be\t able\t to\t forgive\t ourselves\t for\t the\t damage\t we\u2019ve\t done\t to\t others and\tto\tourselves.\tTaking\tresponsibility\tis\tnot\tabout\tbeing\tperfect\u2014it\u2019s\twhat\twe do\twhen\twe\tdiscover\tthat\twe\thave\tfaltered,\tand\thow\twe\tmove\tforward\tto\tmake things\t right\t after\t we\t have\t done\t wrong.\t The\t ability\t to\t forgive\t ourselves,\t rather than\t self-flagellate,\t increases\t our\t accountability\u2014which\t then\t leads\t to\t regaining our\t self-control\t and\t initiating\t a\t course\t correction.2\t Using\t an\t MRI,\t scientists demonstrated\t the\t neurobiological\t basis\t for\t why\t self-compassion\t helps\t us\t self- regulate.\t When\t we\t show\t warmth\t and\t compassion\t to\t ourselves,\t we\t elicit neuroaffective\t responses\t similar\t to\t those\t stimulated\t by\t an\t encouraging, supportive\tother.3\tThis\tthen\thelps\tus\tfeel\tloved\tand\tsupported,\tmaking\tus\taware","that\twe\tdeserve\tbetter,\tand\tit\tinstills\tin\tus\tthe\twill\tto\tinvest\tin\tour\tlong-term\tcare and\t benefit.4\t In\t addition,\t the\t more\t forgiving\t you\t are\t of\t your\t own\t setbacks\u2014 when\tyou\tlet\tyourself\tdown\u2014the\teasier\tit\twill\tbe\tfor\tyou\tto\tforgive\tothers\twhen you\tfeel\tthey\tlet\tyou\tdown. Guilt\t (\u201cI\t have\t hurt\t another;\t I\t did\t wrong\u201d)\t and\t shame\t (\u201cI\t am\t bad;\t I\t am\t less because\tof\twhat\tI\tdid\u201d)\tare\tuseless\tunless\tthey\tcreate\tthe\timpetus\tfor\taction,\tin which\tcase\twhat\twe\treally\tfeel\tis\tregret.\tWe\tcan\u2019t\t\u201ctalk\taway\u201d\tor\trationalize\tour behavior,\t but\t we\t can\t transform\t our\t negative\t feelings\t into\t positive\t emotions\t by turning\tguilt\tor\tshame\tinto\tregret\tand\tregret\tinto\taction. First,\twe\tmust\tresolve\tin\tour\thearts\tnever\tto\tcommit\tthe\tsame\tact\tagain.\tIf\tit was\t a\t one-time\t action,\t then\t there\t is\t nothing\t more\t to\t stop.\t However,\t if\t we\t still keep\tengaging\tin\tthe\tbehavior\tthat\twe\tfeel\tbad\tabout,\tthen\twe\tmust\tstop\tit.\tIf\twe can\u2019t\t refrain\t immediately,\t we\t must\t create\t a\t plan\t to\t stop\t this\t behavior\t over\t a period\t of\t time,\t and\t we\t must\t stick\t to\t the\t plan.\t We\t need\t to\t create\t deterrents\t for ourselves,\tto\tavoid\trepeating\tthe\tsame\ttransgression.\tIn\tthis\tway,\twe\tmake\ta\tfirm declaration\tto\tourselves\tand\tothers\tthat\twe\thave\treally\tchanged,\tand\twe\u2019re\tdoing what\twe\tcan\tto\tensure\tthat\tour\tnew-and-improved\tself\tthrives.\tFinally,\twe\thave to\tright\tour\twrongs\tas\tbest\twe\tcan\t(see\tsubchapter\tbelow). The\tego\tfavors\tsuffering\tthat\tis\tknown,\tso\twe\tretreat\tto\tthe\trelative\tsanctuary of\t self-inflicted\t wounds.\t But\t the\t genesis\t of\t growth\u2014the\t key\t to\t getting\t unstuck \u2014begins\t the\t moment\t we\t look\t at\t ourselves,\t not\t with\t condemnation,\t blame,\t and judgment,\t but\t with\t love,\t compassion,\t and\t patience.\t We\t will\t come\t to\t discover that\t we\t are\t not\t bad.\t We\t are\t in\t pain\t from\t what\t has\t been\t done\t to\t us,\t and\t by\t us. We\tare\thurt\tand\twe\thave\tcaused\thurt. A\t person\t who\t holds\t on\t to\t guilt\t or\t shame\t is\t not\t being\t noble,\t he\t is\t being selfish.\t Indulging\t his\t despair\t is\t the\t height\t of\t irresponsibility,\t well\t beyond whatever\t act\t led\t to\t feelings\t of\t guilt\t in\t the\t first\t place.\t He\t wraps\t himself\t in\t the comfortable\t numbness\t of\t self-pity\u2014the\t drug\t that\u2019s\t always\t within\t reach\t and never\truns\tout\u2014to\tavoid\tfacing\tthe\tpain\tof\thimself,\this\tactions,\tand\this\tlife.\tHe declares\t that\t he\t is\t worthless\u2014so\t damaged,\t bad,\t and\t broken\t that\t he\t is\t beyond repair\t or\t reproach.\t This\t unconsciously\t motivated,\t ego-driven\t tactic\t cleverly recuses\thim\tof\tresponsibility\tbecause\the\tdoesn\u2019t\tdeserve\tto\tbe\thappy.\tHe\tthereby avoids\tthe\tpain\tof\taccountability\tand\tthe\tburden\tof\tobligation. SETTING\tTHINGS\tSTRAIGHT","Forgiving\t and\t apologizing\t both\t give\t us\t a\t taste\t of\t emotional\t freedom.\t This\t is why\t we\t typically\t feel\t good\t afterward.\t We\t give\t an\t apology,\t and\t we\t give forgiveness.\tOnly\twhen\twe\tare\tfree\tcan\twe\tgive,\tand\tthis\tsingle\tact\tpromotes\tour independence\tand\tbuilds\tour\temotional\timmunity.\tYet\tbefore\twe\tattempt\tto\tgain forgiveness\t for\t ourselves,\t we\t must\t move\t forward\t with\t the\t utmost\t delicacy. When\twe\u2019ve\tclearly\tviolated\tthe\trespect,\ttrust,\tand\trights\tof\tanother,\tthe\tpath\tto forgiveness\t lies\t in\t restoring\t balance\t to\t the\t relationship\u2014be\t it\t personal\t or professional.\t In\t balance,\t we\t find\t justice,\t and\t in\t justice,\t we\t find\t forgiveness. Follow\tthis\tsix-phase\tprotocol\tas\tbest\tyou\tcan\tto\tdo\tyour\tpart\tin\tbringing\tpeace to\tyour\trelationships\tand\tyourself. Phase\t1:\tHumility\tand\tRespect\tIf\twe\tenter\tthe\tsituation\twith\tanything\tother than\tcomplete\thumility,\twe\tlikely\twon\u2019t\treceive\tforgiveness.\tWe\tmust\tnegate\tour ego.\tIt\u2019s\tnot\tabout\tus,\tit\u2019s\tabout\tthe\tother\tperson.\tThis\tmeans\twe\tshould\tnot argue\tand\tscream\tour\tpoint\tor\tshow\tup\tat\tsomeone\u2019s\toffice\tdemanding\tthat\the listen\tto\tour\tside\tof\tthe\tstory.\tRather,\twe\tshould\task\tpermission\tbefore\twe\tspeak to\thim\tand\tperhaps\teven\tprior\tto\tinitiating\tpersonal\tcontact\u2014via\ta\tnote\tor intermediary\u2014if\tthe\trelationship\tis\tseverely\tstrained.\tApproaching\tthe\tperson with\textreme\tdeference\tand\teven\treverence\tis\ta\trequisite\tfor\tthe\tprocess.\tWe want\tto\task\tfor\tpermission\tbefore\twe\tdo\tanything.\tWe\tshould\tleave\tright\taway\tif he\tdoesn\u2019t\twant\tto\ttalk\tto\tus.\tWe\tcan\ttry\tagain\tanother\ttime.\t(And\tif\twe\u2019re\tthere only\tto\tbe\tyelled\tat,\tthat\u2019s\tfine,\ttoo.)\tIn\tour\tanger,\twe\toften\tdo\tthe\topposite\tof this,\tand\tsay\tsuch\tthings\tas,\t\u201cI\tdrove\tall\tthe\tway\there,\tso\tyou\tdarn\twell\tbetter talk\tto\tme.\tI\tsaid\tI\twas\tsorry!\tWhat\tmore\tdo\tyou\twant?\u201d\tThis\tadds\tfuel\tto\tthe flames\tas\twe\tfurther\tdemonstrate\tlack\tof\trespect.\tWe\talmost\tdon\u2019t\thave\tto\tsay anything,\tas\tlong\tas\tthe\tother\tperson\tsees\tthat\twe\u2019re\tdoing\teverything\tpossible\tto make\tthings\tright\tagain. In\t a\t situation\t where\t the\t person\t won\u2019t\t even\t talk\t to\t us\t or\t we\t haven\u2019t\t been\t in contact\tfor\tsome\ttime,\twe\tmight\tneed\tto\tjump-start\tthe\trelationship\tand\tput\tin\ta great\tdeal\tof\teffort,\tsuch\tas\tflying\tto\twhere\tthe\tperson\tis,\tdropping\toff\ta\tletter\tof apology,\t and\t then\t leaving\t without\t speaking\t to\t the\t person.\t If\t we\t can\t make\t an investment\u2014emotionally,\t financially,\t or\t any\t other\t way\u2014and\t show\t genuine effort,\teven\twithout\timmediate\tsuccess,\twe\twill\tgain\ttraction. Phase\t2:\tBe\tAccountable\tIt\u2019s\timportant\tfor\tus\tto\ttake\tfull\tand\tcomplete responsibility\tfor\tour\tactions.\tWe\tmust\tnot\tshift\tthe\tblame\tor\tmake\texcuses\u2014 this\twill\tonly\texacerbate\tthe\tsituation.\tWe\tshouldn\u2019t\tsay,\t\u201cI\tgot\tso\tupset\tbecause we\tdid\u2026,\u201d\tor,\t\u201cI\tdidn\u2019t\tthink\tit\twas\ta\tbig\tdeal\tto\u2026\u201d\tWe\tmust\tnot\tblame\tthe","person\tfor\tanything\u2014his\tactions\tor\tours\u2014and\twe\tmustn\u2019t\tminimize\tour\trole. Phase\t3:\tSincerely\tApologize\tSometimes\twe\tforget\tto\tactually\tsay\tthe\twords I\u2019m\tsorry.\tThough\tthese\twords\tare\trarely\tenough,\tthey\tare\tnecessary\tto\tgaining forgiveness.\tMoreover,\twe\tmust\tacknowledge\tthat\tour\tactions\thurt\tthe\tother person:\tI\u2019m\tsorry,\tI\tknow\tI\thurt\tyou\tand\tcaused\tyou\tpain.\tWe\tneed\tto\tensure\tthat our\tsincerity\tcomes\tacross.\tAn\tinsincere\tapology\twon\u2019t\tbe\tbelieved;\tand\tif\twe\u2019re not\tbelieved,\twe\twon\u2019t\tbe\tforgiven.\tIf\twe\taren\u2019t\ttruly\tsorry\tand\tremorseful,\tthen we\tmay\trepeat\tour\tbehavior\tand\tput\tthis\tperson\tthrough\tmore\tpain\u2014in\twhich case\tit\tmight\tbe\ttime\tfor\tus\tto\treevaluate\tthe\trelationship\tand\tourselves. Phase\t4:\tBe\tWilling\tto\tAccept\u2014and\tEven\tOffer\u2014Consequences\tIt\u2019s\tone thing\tto\ttalk\tthe\ttalk,\tbut\tthings\tcan\tfall\tapart\tif\the\tthinks\tthat\twe\u2019re\ttrying\tto escape\tunscathed.\tLet\tthe\tother\tperson\tknow\tthat\tyou\u2019re\twilling\tto\tface\tand accept\tall\tconsequences\tof\tyour\tactions.\tPutting\tourselves\tin\tthe\thands\tof someone\twe\thave\tharmed\tand\tbeing\tanswerable\tfor\tour\tconduct\tand\tthe aftermath\twill\thelp\tto\tmitigate\tthat\tperson\u2019s\tfeelings\tof\tvulnerability\tand insecurity.\tOur\tinitial\tact,\twhich\trequires\tforgiveness,\tpulled\tthe\temotional\trug right\tout\tfrom\tunder\thim.\tOur\tbehavior\tviolated\ttrust,\twhich\tis\tthe\tcornerstone of\ta\trelationship.\tBy\tputting\tthis\tperson\tin\tcharge\tof\tyour\tfate\tand\tthe\tentirety\tof the\trelationship,\tyou\thelp\tto\treestablish\ta\tsense\tof\tsecurity\tand\tgive\tback,\tin\ta way,\tthe\tpower\tthat\tyou\ttook. We\tcan\tstart\tby\tsaying\tsomething\tlike,\t\u201cI\tknow\twhat\tI\tdid\twas\twrong.\tYou have\tevery\tright\tto\tbe\tangry\twith\tme.\tI\u2019m\twilling\tto\taccept\tthe\tfull\trepercussions of\tmy\tactions.\u201d\tWe\tmust\tbegin\tto\tcede\tcontrol\twith\tour\twords,\tor\the\tmay\tfurther castigate\tus\tas\this\tway\tof\tsetting\tthings\tstraight. Phase\t5:\tMake\tThings\tRight\tIf\twe\tprofited\tin\tsome\tway,\tthen\twe\tmust\tgive back\twhat\tdoesn\u2019t\trightfully\tbelong\tto\tus,\tin\torder\tto\tset\tthings\tstraight\u2014 whether\tit\tbe\tmoney\tor\tother\titems.\tIf\twe\tdon\u2019t\thave\twhat\twe\twrongfully\ttook but\twe\tcan\treplace\tit,\twe\tmust\tmake\tevery\teffort\tto\tdo\tso\tas\tsoon\tas\tpossible\u2014 and\twhen\tfeasible,\twe\thave\tto\tlet\tthe\tperson\tknow\tour\tplan\tand\tour\tprogress. And\tremember:\tIt\u2019s\tessential\tto\tcontinue\ton\tthis\tpath\teven\tif\the\tstill\tisn\u2019t\ttalking to\tus. Regardless\tof\tour\trelationship\twith\tthe\tperson,\tby\tdoing\twhat\tis\tright,\tdespite not\tgetting\twhat\twe\twant\t(the\trelationship),\twe\tcan\tprove\tthat\twe\tare\tthe\tkind\tof person\the\twants\tback\tin\this\tlife.\tIt\tis\timportant\tto\tstress\there\tthat\twhether\tor\tnot there\t is\t something\t tangible\t to\t return,\t we\t are\t obligated\t to\t work\t on\t the\t character","flaw\t or\t emotional\t issue\t that\t led\t to\t our\t hurtful\t actions.\t Only\t in\t this\t way\t can\t we authentically\tdeclare\twhat\twe\tare\tnow\u2014or\tare\tworking\thard\ttoward\tbecoming:\ta different\tperson\twho\tis\tno\tlonger\tcapable\tof\tsuch\tabhorrent\tconduct. Phase\t6:\tA\tPainless\tGame\tPlan\tLet\tthe\tperson\tknow\tthat\the\thas\tfull\tpower over\thow\tthings\tproceed,\tthat\the\tis\tin\tcontrol\tevery\tstep\tof\tthe\tway.\tYou\tsuggest a\tgame\tplan\tthat\tmoves\tslowly\tbut\tsurely\ttoward\treestablishing\tthe\trelationship while\tensuring\tthat\tat\tany\ttime,\the\tcan\topt\tto\tcontinue,\tstop,\tor\tchange\tcourse. NOT\tSUCCESSFUL,\tNO\tPROBLEM Have\tyou\tever\tdriven\tby\ta\tbad\ttraffic\taccident\tand\tnoticed\tthat\tthe\tpassengers\tin your\tcar\tsuddenly\tbecome\tnicer\tto\tone\tanother?\tThere\u2019s\ta\tsort\tof\tquiet\tkindness that\t permeates.\t Have\t you\t ever\t been\t to\t visit\t a\t friend\t at\t the\t hospital,\t and\t the second\t you\t walk\t out\t the\t lobby\t doors\t you\t look\t around\t and\t see\t the\t world\t just\t a little\t bit\t differently?\t You\t feel\t a\t mixture\t of\t relief,\t sadness,\t and\t optimism.\t The experience\t produces\t a\t shift\t in\t perspective.\t You\t feel\t happy\t to\t be\t alive,\t grateful for\twhat\tyou\thave,\tand\tin\ta\tmore\tgiving\tand\tforgiving\tmood. Indeed,\t studies\t confirm\t that\t people\t are\t more\t charitable\t and\t forgiving\t after they\t have\t spent\t some\t time\t contemplating\t their\t own\t mortality.5\t Therefore,\t be alert\tfor\tany\tsuch\topportunity\tto\ttry\tto\tmake\tpeace\twith\tthe\tperson\tyou\twronged. It\t doesn\u2019t\t have\t to\t be\t something\t sad,\t but\t rather\t any\t significant\t event\u2014be\t it\t a birth\t or\t death,\t a\t wedding\t or\t a\t divorce\u2014that\t brings\t a\t little\t perspective\t into\t his life.\t During\t these\t critical\t life-cycle\t moments,\t our\t values\t and\t priorities\t become realigned,\t and\t this\t provides\t the\t opportunity\t to\t open\t the\t gateways\t of communication.\t Any\t action\u2014a\t phone\t call,\t card,\t gift,\t or\t something,\t anything\u2014 gives\tyou\ta\tchance\tto\treconnect\tand\tpave\tthe\tway\tfor\ta\tresolution. If,\tover\ttime,\twe\tmake\tseveral\tattempts\tat\treconciliation\tyet\tcontinue\tto\tmeet with\tgreat\tresistance,\tthen\tit\tmight\tbe\tnecessary\tfor\tus\tto\tmove\ton.\tThe\tquality of\tany\trelationship\tis\tdetermined\tby\tthe\tone\twho\twants\tit\tthe\tleast,\tnot\tthe\tmost. But\t there\u2019s\t a\t difference\t between\t someone\t not\t wanting\t to\t forgive\t and\t someone who\tis\tuninterested\tin\thaving\tany\ttype\tof\trelationship.\tIf\tthe\tother\tperson\thas\tno interest\t in\t reconciling,\t perhaps\t it\u2019s\t best\t to\t let\t things\t be.\t If,\t however,\t the\t other person\u2019s\thurt\tfeelings\tare\ttoo\tintense\tfor\thim\tto\tmove\tpast\tthem\tnow,\twe\tshould revisit\t the\t situation\t after\t a\t few\t months\t or\t a\t year,\t depending\t on\t what\t happened, and\ttry\tagain.\tBecause\tin\tthis\tinstance,\tit\u2019s\tthe\tfreshness\tof\tthe\tpain,\trather\tthan a\t lack\t of\t desire\t to\t reconcile,\t that\t impedes\t reconciliation.\t If\t we\t still\t meet\t with resistance,\tremember\tthat\twe\tcan\tonly\tgive\taway\twhat\twe\thave.\tIf\twe\twant\tto\tbe","forgiven,\t we\t may\t need\t to\t forgive\t others.\t If\t we\t hold\t on\t to\t ill\t will\t over\t what someone\thas\tdone\tto\tus,\twe\tcan\u2019t\tbe\tauthentic\twith\tthe\tperson\twe\thave\tinjured. If\t we\t can\t resolve\t any\t anger\t we\u2019re\t sustaining\u2014be\t it\t toward\t ourselves\t or\t toward another\t person\u2014we\t will\t find\t a\t smoother\t path\t ahead\t to\t achieving\t peace\t in\t the current\tsituation.","PART\tV HOW\tTO\tLOVE\tBEING\tALIVE","16 A\tDate\twith\tDestiny Although\t we\t shouldn\u2019t\t preoccupy\t ourselves\t with\t thoughts\t of\t our\t demise,\t the only\t way\t we\t can\t live\t with\t intellectual\t honesty\t is\t to\t acknowledge\t that\t one\t day the\t sun\t will\t rise\t and\t set\t without\t us\t in\t this\t world.\t If\t we\t find\t this\t depressing, rather\t than\t motivating,\t we\t are\t not\t alone.\t In\t truth,\t we\t belong\t to\t the overwhelming\tmajority. The\t approaching\t threat\t of\t death\t as\t a\t positive\t motivator\t has\t zero\t traction\t in the\t lives\t of\t those\t who\t have\t no\t life.\t On\t the\t contrary,\t thinking\t of\t death\t doesn\u2019t make\t them\t want\t to\t live,\t but,\t rather,\t they\t welcome\t their\t final\t exit,\t so\t that\t they can\t permanently\t escape.\t Dr.\t Dean\t Ornish,\t Harvard\t professor\t and\t president\t of the\tPreventive\tMedicine\tand\tResearch\tInstitute,\twrites: People\tmay\tinitially\tget\tinterested\tin\tchanging\ttheir\tlifestyle\tbecause\tthey\tare\thurting,\tbut\twhat\tsustains these\tchanges\tis\tnot\tfear\tof\tdying,\tit\u2019s\tjoy\tof\tliving.\u2026\tWhat\toften\tlies\tat\tthe\troot\tof\tself-destructive behaviors\tis\tloneliness,\tdepression,\tand\tisolation.\tThe\tnumber-one\tepidemic\tin\tAmerica\tis\tnot\tobesity\tor heart\tdisease,\tit\tis\tdepression.\tThe\tmost\tcommonly\tprescribed\tprescription\tdrugs\tlast\tyear\twere antidepressants.\tWe\tassume\tthat\tpeople\twant\tto\tlive\tlonger,\tbut\ttelling\tsomebody\tthat\tthey\twill\tlive longer\tif\tthey\tjust\tquit\tsmoking\tand\tchange\ttheir\tdiet\tis\tnot\tvery\tmotivating\tif\tthey\tfeel\tdepressed, stressed\tout,\tand\tunhappy. People\t are\t trying\t to\t kill\t themselves\t because\t they\t want\t to\t die,\t and\t being informed\t that\t their\t actions\t will\t hasten\t their\t death\t incentivizes\t self-destructive behavior.\t When\t death\t is\t not\t a\t deterrent,\t it\t doesn\u2019t\t stop\t their\t self-destructive behavior\tand\tonly\tincites\ttheir\tinsolence\tin\tregard\tto\tlife. THE\tKEY\tTO\tSELF-CONTROL A\twell-lived\tlife\tgives\tmeaning\tto\tdeath,\tand\tin\texchange,\tdeath\tgives\trenewed","meaning\t to\t life.\t Therefore,\t the\t constructive\t power\t of\t contemplating\t death\t is\t in force\tonly\twhen\twe\tappreciate\tlife\titself,\tand\tour\tlives\tin\tparticular.\tOtherwise, we\texperience\tno\treal\tshift\tin\tour\tmind-set;\twe\tjust\tslide\talong\tthe\tspectrum\tto another\tshade\tof\tgray.\tCoupons\thave\tan\texpiration\tdate\tto\tforce\tus\tto\tact,\tbut\tif we\u2019re\t not\t interested\t in\t the\t products,\t then\t the\t coupons\t are\t just\t as\t useless\t to\t us before\tthe\tdate\tas\tthey\tare\tafter\tthe\tdate. Having\t purpose\t in\t our\t lives\t gives\t us\t a\t broader\t perspective\t on\t life\t and\t on death.\t This\t is\t crucial,\t because\t a\t pivotal\t factor\t in\t our\t ability\t to\t exercise\t self- control\t lies\t in\t how\t we\t manage\t our\t fears.\t Terror\t management\t theory\t explains that\twe\tdeal\twith\tthe\tfear\tof\tdeath\tand\tthe\tresultant\tanxiety\tin\tone\tof\ttwo\tways. When\t we\t live\t full,\t robust\t lives,\t we\t tend\t to\t embrace\t our\t values\t and\t beliefs\u2014 whatever\t brings\t meaning\t into\t our\t lives.\t Known\t as\t the\t mortality\t salience hypothesis,\t it\t promotes\t self-regulation.\t Alternatively,\t if\t we\t already\t have\t one foot\t in\t the\t Land\t of\t Escapism,\t we\t are\t inclined\t to\t pacify\t our\t fears\t by\t further indulging\t ourselves\u2014in\t anything\t from\t chocolate\t to\t extravagant\t vacations.\t This is\t known\t as\t the\t anxiety\t buffer\t hypothesis.\t For\t this\t reason,\t stories\t on\t the\t news relating\t to\t disaster\t and\t death\t make\t viewers\t respond\t more\t positively\t to advertisements\tfor\tstatus\tproducts,\tsuch\tas\tluxury\tcars\tand\tdesigner\tclothes.1 A\t shrinking\t world\t compounds\t our\t prospects\t for\t experiencing\t emotional distress\t because\t terror\t management\t is\t no\t longer\t confined\t to\t our\t own\t lives\t and experiences.\t Thanks\t to\t the\t technological\t age,\t our\t brains\t must\t process\t a confounding\t number\t of\t calamities\t and\t catastrophes\u2014all\t of\t which\t we\t log\t and lodge\tas\tclear\tand\tpresent\tdangers.\tIn\tthe\tdays\tof\tour\tancestors,\tor\teven\tthrough a\t good\t portion\t of\t the\t 1900s,\t by\t the\t time\t one\t heard\t the\t news,\t it\t was\t not\t news anymore;\t our\t forebears\u2019\t senses\t were\t not\t constantly\t overwhelmed\t with\t photos and\tvideos\tof\tevery\tnatural\tor\tmanmade\tdisaster\tthat\ttook\tplace\twithin\tthe\tpast twenty\t minutes.\t We\t are\t too\t easily\t overloaded\t by\t all\t the\t horrors\t we\t witness\t via technology\u2014right\t in\t our\t living\t rooms,\t bedrooms,\t or\t even\t cars.\t As\t we\t become aware\t of\t the\t myriad\t mishaps\t and\t misfortunes\t happening\t all\t around\t us,\t our brains\treact\tas\tif\twe\u2019re\texperiencing\tthem\tin\treal\ttime. The\t dry\t cough\t that\t turns\t out\t to\t be\t lung\t cancer\t for\t 1\t in\t 3.5\t million nonsmokers\tbecomes\tthe\tsource\tof\tincessant\tworry\tbecause\twe\t\u201cknow\tso\tmany people\u201d\t who\t had\t such\t a\t diagnosis.\t We\t turn\t away\t from\t the\t statistically improbable\t in\t favor\t of\t fear\t because\t of\t all\t of\t the\t people\t \u201cin\t our\t lives\u201d\t whose stomach\t aches\t turned\t out\t to\t be\t a\t tumor,\t who\t were\t randomly\t attacked\t in\t broad daylight,\t or\t who\t became\t paralyzed\t from\t a\t mosquito\t bite.\t An\t endless\t onslaught of\t unpredictable\t and\t unavoidable\t horrors\t awaits\t us\t at\t every\t turn.\t It\u2019s\t to\t be","expected\tthat\tneurotic\thas\tbecome\tthe\tnew\tnormal. THE\tEVIDENCE The\t consequences\t speak\t for\t themselves.\t An\t estimated\t 67\t percent\t of\t the population\t is\t overweight\t or\t obese.\t The\t result:\t Cardiovascular\t disease,\t cancer, and\t diabetes\taccount\t for\tnearly\ttwo\tof\tevery\tthree\tdeaths\tin\t the\tUnited\tStates. Sales\t of\t antidepressant,\t antianxiety,\t and\t mood-stabilizing\t drugs\t have\t hit\t record levels,\t and\t today,\t one\t in\t four\t Americans\t suffers\t from\t mental\t illness\t (and Americans\ttoday\tare\tten\ttimes\tas\tlikely\tto\tsuffer\tfrom\tdepression\tas\tthey\twere\tin the\t1960s,\teven\taccounting\tfor\tincreased\tawareness\tand\tdiagnosis). Our\tcoping\tmechanism\tfor\tphysical\tpain\thas\tbeen\tsimilarly\tcompromised.\tIn the\tUnited\tStates,\tthe\tnumber\tof\tprescriptions\twritten\tfor\tmajor\tpainkillers\trose 90\t percent\t between\t 2003\t and\t 2011.\t In\t total,\t according\t to\t the\t New\t England Journal\t of\t Medicine,\t 116\t million\t Americans\t suffer\t with\t persistent\t pain\u2014an astounding\t 1\t out\t of\t 3\t people.\t Our\t tolerance\t for\t reality\u2014much\t less\t pain\t of\t any sort\u2014is\tcrippled. This\tcrystallizes\tthe\tcrucial\tnecessity\tto\tknow\texactly\twhat\twe\tare\tliving\tfor. Nothing\t other\t than\t a\t clearly\t defined\t purpose\t with\t meaningful\t growth\t will insulate\tus\tfrom\tthe\tquakes\tof\tinsanity\tthat\twould\totherwise\tshake\tour\temotional foundation\t and\t force\t us\t to\t flee\t from\t reality.\t Our\t lives\t fill\t with\t ever-vivid reminders\t of\t the\t true\t nature\t of\t this\t world.\t As\t we\t snap\t into\t heightened awareness,\tso\tmuch\tseems\tirrelevant\u2014at\tleast,\tin\tthe\tmoment.\tOur\tsoul\twants\tto attach\t to\t the\t one\t true\t reality,\t where\t we\t find\t permanence\t and\t meaning.\t Yet without\t a\t sense\t of\t purpose\t in\t our\t lives,\t we\t don\u2019t\t have\t the\t anchor\t of\t trust,\t and without\tthis\tunspoken\tassurance,\twe\tshift\tto\ta\tmentality\tof\t\u201cLet\tus\teat\tand\tdrink; for\t tomorrow\t we\t shall\t die.\u201d\t The\t Achilles\u2019\t heel\t of\t anger\t control\u2014the foundational\ttrigger\tof\tall\tsusceptibility\u2014lies\tin\thow\twe\tmanage\tour\tfears.","17 Becoming\tExtraordinary King\t Solomon\t tells\t us\t throughout\t Ecclesiastes\t that\t all\t suffering\t comes\t from trying\tto\tgive\tpermanence\tto\tthe\ttemporary.\tThe\tsoul\tseeks\tpermanence\tthrough giving\u2014investing\tin\ta\tcommodity\tthat\tis\tforever\tours.\tIt\trecognizes\tthat\twe\tkeep whoever\twe\tbecome,\tand\tthat\tis\tultimately\tshaped\tby\twhat\twe\tgive,\tnot\tby\twhat we\ttake.\tOur\tsoul\tis\tdrawn\tto\treunite\twith\tImmortality,\tbut\tthe\taberration\tof\tthis quest\t is\t the\t ego\u2019s\t search\t for\t permanence\t through\t taking.\t The\t ego\t lunges\t after longevity\t through\t influence,\t power,\t and\t control,\t while\t the\t soul\t yearns\t for\t true independence\u2014freedom\t over\t the\t lower\t self\u2014that\t enables\t the\t apex\t in\t self- expression. The\t ego\t relishes\t creative\t acts\t in\t order\t to\t make\t its\t mark\t on\t the\t world\u2014an illogical\t pursuit\t of\t monuments\t and\t awards,\t anything\t that\t will\t stand\t the\t test\t of time.\t (It\u2019s\t illogical\t because\t even\t while\t the\t person\t rejects\t a\t world\t beyond\t this one,\t he\t desires\t to\t be\t remembered.\t But\t why?\t If\t he\t has\t no\t existence\t beyond\t the physical\t world,\t why\t should\t he\t care\t whether\t people\t who\t come\t after\t him\t are aware\tof\taccomplishments?\tWhat\tgood\tdoes\tthis\tdo\thim?\tNone,\taccording\tto\this own\t logic,\t but\t his\t soul\t knows\t differently.)\t Our\t ego\t thirsts\t to\t be\t special, desperately\t longing\t to\t set\t itself\t apart,\t even\t if\t it\t tears\t us\t apart.\t It\t doesn\u2019t\t care whether\t the\t goal\t is\t accomplished\t through\t productive\t or\t destructive\t means.\t It seeks\tonly\tto\tmake\ta\tbig\tsplash. Ironically,\t the\t ego\t chase\t leaves\t us\t with\t a\t homogenized,\t blended\t existence that\t merely\t blurs\t our\t uniqueness.\t When\t we\t follow\t a\t destructive\t path\t in\t a\t futile attempt\t to\t be\t different,\t we\t end\t up\t as\t carbon\t copies\t of\t all\t other\t ego-oriented people\t and\t are\t confined\t to\t an\t automated\t existence\t and\t a\t generic\t personality. When\t our\t ego\t dominates,\t our\t lives\t are\t indeed\t programmed\u2014but\t we\t are\t the programmers. When\ta\tperson\tstays\tbusy\tbuilding\tan\timage\tor\tsuccumbing\tto\tcravings\tand","impulses,\t he\t never\t rises\t above\t reactionary\t living.\t He\t doesn\u2019t\t create\t anything\u2014 certainly\t not\t himself.\t When\t we\t are\t independent,\t we\t are\t partners\t in\t our\t own creation\t and\t in\t creation\t itself,\t exercising\t the\t height\t of\t free\t will.\t The\t desire\t to create\t burns\t deep\t within\t us.\t We\t derive\t intense,\t unparalleled\t satisfaction\t from creative\t thought\t and\t action.\t They\t rivet\t our\t attention\t and\t unleash\t our individuality.\tWe\tnotice\thow\tmuch\tpleasure\ta\tsmall\tchild\treceives\tfrom\tdrawing a\tpicture.\tWe\tare\tdriven\tto\tbe\tunique,\tto\texpress\tourselves. WHO\tARE\tYOU\tLIVING\tFOR? There\t is\t no\t status\t quo\t in\t nature.\t The\t law\t of\t conservation\t states\t that\t organisms die\tif\tthey\tdon\u2019t\tgrow.\tMoreover,\tjust\tas\tevery\tperson\tis\tone\tof\ta\tkind\u2014from\this fingerprints\t to\t his\t face\t to\t his\t DNA\u2014we\t are\t all\t born\t with\t a\t specific\t purpose, unique\t to\t each\t one\t of\t us.\t To\t obtain\t the\t highest\t level\t of\t fulfillment,\t we\t must move\t toward\t that\t which\t our\t soul\t desires\u2014which\t Maslow\t explains\t as\t self- transcendence,\t to\t go\t beyond\t the\t ego.\t Too\t often,\t we\t confine\t our\t options\t to\t a small\tspace,\tnot\tfully\trecognizing\tthe\trange\tof\tpossibilities\tthat\textends\tbeyond our\tcomfort\tzone.\tOur\tegos\tlead\tus\tto\tbelieve\tthat\twe\tare\tboxed\tin\tand\tcan\u2019t\tgo beyond\t our\t circumstances,\t or\t can\t move\t only\t a\t little,\t gradually.\t Lack\t of inspiration\t really\t amounts\t to\t lack\t of\t enthusiasm\t for\t the\t direction,\t speed,\t and distance\tthat\twe\tbelieve\twe\tcan\tmove. To\t become\t reenergized,\t we\t need\t to\t expand\t our\t thinking.\t Saying\t I\t hate\t my life\t doesn\u2019t\t produce\t an\t answer\t that\t moves\t us\t forward.\t It\u2019s\t not\t even\t a\t question, but\ta\tstatement\tthat\treinforces\tour\tcomplacency.\tWe\tmust\topen\tourselves\tup\tto the\t field\t of\t possibilities\t by\t asking\t ourselves,\t What\t do\t I\t want\t out\t of\t life?\t The following\tadditional\tquestions\tnudge\tthe\tego\tout\tof\tthe\tequation\tand\thelp\tus\tto further\t crystalize\t our\t thinking.\t When\t you\t ask\t yourself\t these\t questions,\t give thought\tto\twhat\tanswer\tsatisfies\tmost\tof\tthem\tor,\teven\tbetter,\tall\tof\tthem. 1.\tWhat\twould\tyou\tdo\tif\tyou\tcould\tnot\tfail? 2.\tWhat\twould\tyou\tdo\tif\tyou\tdidn\u2019t\thave\tthe\tproblems\tthat\tyou\thave? 3.\tWhat\twould\tyou\tdo\tif\tyou\thad\tall\tthe\tmoney\tthat\tyou\tever\tneeded? 4.\tWhat\twould\tyou\tdo\tif\tno\tone\twould\tever\tfind\tout\/if\teveryone\twould\tfind\tout? Check\t your\t motivation.\t We\t must\t be\t honest\t about\t why\t we\t want\t what\t we want.\t So\t many\t people\t feel\t miserable\t because\t they\t set\t goals\t based\t on\t someone else\u2019s\t expectations.\t They\t had\t every\t reason\t to\t do\t what\t they\t did,\t except\t for\t the right\t reason:\t Because\t they\t considered\t it\t important\t for\t their\t own\t growth\t and\t to create\tthe\tfuture\tthey\ttruly\twanted.","ARE\tWE\tALL\tON\tTHE\tSAME\tPAGE? Living\tin\ta\tway\tthat\tcontradicts\tour\tcore\tvalues\tand\tsoul-inspired\tpassion\tdrains us\t because\t it\t creates\t a\t division\t within\t us.\t No\t reasonable\t parent\t would\t consider selling\this\tor\ther\tchild\tfor\tany\tsum\tof\tmoney,\tbut\tthis\tsame\tparent\tmight\tspend very\t little\t time\t with\t that\t child.\t We\t cannot\t simultaneously\t value\t X\t as\t all- important,\tthen\tspend\tour\ttime,\tenergy,\tand\teffort\ton\ta\tgoal\tY,\twithout\tcreating an\t internal\t tug\t of\t war.\t Equally\t vital\t is\t that\t the\t totality\t of\t our\t goals\t are compatible\t amongst\t themselves,\t in\t addition\t to\t being\t aligned\t with\t our\t values. Renowned\tpsychoanalyst\tKaren\tHorney\twrites, We\thave\tto\tmake\tsure\tour\tgoals\tare\tsynergistic\u2014living\twith\tunresolved\tconflicts\tinvolves\tprimarily\ta devastating\twaste\tof\thuman\tenergies,\toccasioned\tnot\tonly\tby\tconflicts\tthemselves\tbut\tby\tall\tthe\tdevious attempts\tto\tremove\tthem.\tWhen\ta\tperson\tis\tbasically\tdivided\the\tcan\tnever\tput\this\tenergies wholeheartedly\tinto\tanything,\tbut\twants\talways\tto\tpursue\ttwo\tor\tmore\tincompatible\tgoals.\tThis\tmeans he\twill\teither\tscatter\this\tenergies\tor\tactively\tfrustrate\this\tefforts.\u2026\t[N]o\tmatter\thow\tpotentially\tgifted he\tis\u2014[his\tefforts]\twill\tbe\twasted.\u2026\tDivided\tenergies\talso\tcause\thim\tto\tunconsciously\trebel\tand\tinsist on\tperfection,\tforgetfulness,\toverworking,\tetc.,\tneurotic\tinertia\tis\ta\tparalysis\tof\tinitiative\tand\taction.1 Other\t findings\t share\t this\t conclusion\t and\t reveal\t that\t people\t with\t conflicting goals\t worry\t more\t and\t get\t less\t done.\t They\t also\t have\t \u201cfewer\t positive\t emotions, more\t negative\t emotions\t and\t more\t depression\t and\t anxiety\t \u2026\t Even\t just\t plain physical\tsickness\twas\thigher\tamong\tthe\tpeople\twith\tconflicting\tgoals.\tThe\tmore the\t goals\t conflicted,\t the\t more\t the\t people\t got\t stuck,\t and\t the\t more\t unhappy\t and unhealthy\tthey\tbecame.\u201d2 \t\t\t\t\t\t* In\tthe\tgap\tbetween\twhere\twe\tare\tand\twhere\twe\twant\tto\tbe,\twe\tfind\tinstability\u2014 the\tbreeding\tground\tof\tanger.\tThree\tintersecting\treasons\tare\tinvolved:\tFirst,\tthe extent\t to\t which\t we\t live\t responsibly\t and\t meet\t our\t obligations\u2014in\t accordance with\t the\t soul,\t rather\t than\t ego\u2014shapes\t our\t initial\t perspective.\t It\t determines\t our entire\tworldview,\tbecause\tthe\tego\tforms\tfalse\tor\tunhealthy\tbeliefs\tand\tvalues\tto protect\t us,\t based\t on\t our\t limitations.\t Second,\t when\t we\t have\t self-respect,\t we optimize\t our\t relationships\t and\t interpersonal\t interactions:\t we\t don\u2019t\t take\t things personally;\t we\t forgive\t and\t apologize\t with\t ease;\t we\t see\t others\u2019\t points\t of\t view; we\t are\t not\t prone\t to\t anger\t or\t offense\t or\t inclined\t to\t jealousy\t or\t envy;\t we\t can empathize,\t see\t the\t good\t in\t others,\t and\t judge\t favorably;\t and\t certainly,\t we\t don\u2019t need\t to\t be\t right.\t Third,\t the\t more\t frustrated\t we\t feel\t with\t ourselves\t and\t in\t our lives,\tthe\tmore\treadily\twe\tbecome\tannoyed\tby\tothers.\tIndeed,\tthe\tperson\twho\tis going\tnowhere\tin\tlife\toften\tseems\tthe\tmost\tbothered\tby\tslow-moving\ttraffic.","18 Escaping\tthe\tTrap\tof\tProcrastination Living\tone\u2019s\tlife\twith\tauthenticity\u2014meaningful\tgoals\taligned\twith\tour\tvalues\u2014 allows\tus\tto\tovercome\tthe\tsingle\tgreatest\tobstacle\tto\tmoving\tour\tlives\tforward\tin a\tsignificant,\tpurposeful\tdirection:\tprocrastination.\tLet\u2019s\tsee\thow\tthis\tis\tso. Scattered\t or\t misdirected\t ambition\t is\t as\t debilitating\t as\t inactivity\t itself. Movement\t is\t useless\t without\t a\t plan\u2014we\t need\t a\t place\t to\t go\t and\t a\t path\t to\t get there.\tWe\tmust\tnot\tlive\tour\tlives\tlike\tthe\tperson\twho\tshoots\tan\tarrow\tat\tthe\tside of\t a\t barn\t and\t then\t draws\t a\t circle\t around\t it\t after\t it\t embeds\t itself.\t Caring\t little about\twhat\the\taims\tfor,\the\tproudly\tconvinces\thimself\tand\tthe\tworld\tthat\the\thas succeeded.\t Many\t people\t indeed\t feel\t reluctant\t to\t plan\t their\t lives.\t They\t might have\t a\t vague\t idea\t of\t what\t they\t want\t to\t accomplish,\t yet\t they\t shy\t away\t from preparing\tfor\ttheir\tfuture.\tThis\tis\ttrue\tfor\ttwo\tinterlacing\treasons. What\t exactly\t does\t planning\t for\t the\t future\t involve?\t At\t the\t most\t elementary level,\twe\tmust\tacknowledge\twhere\twe\tare\tand\tthen\tdecide\twhere\twe\twant\tto\tgo. The\t challenge\t here\t exists\t as\t much\t in\t the\t first\t half\t of\t this\t process\t as\t in\t the second.\tYes,\tthe\tfuture\tholds\tmany\tunknowns\tand\tuncertainties,\tbut\tour\thidden fear\tlies\tin\tnot\twanting\tto\tsee\twhere\twe\tare.\tWe\tare\tafraid\tto\texamine\tour\tlives too\t closely\t and\t to\t come\t face-to-face\t with\t who\t we\t have\t become,\t and\t with\t what happened\t to\t our\t finest\t intentions.\t The\t reluctance\t to\t set\t goals\t and\t plan\t for\t the future\t relieves\t us\t of\t the\t burden\t of\t self-examination.\t However,\t another\t deep- seated\tconstraint\texists. To\tmove\tforward,\twe\tneed\tto\tweigh\tdifferent\tpossibilities\tand\tdirections\tour lives\tcan\ttake.\tTo\tdo\tthis,\twe\tmust\tknow\twhat\twe\tare\tliving\tfor.\tIn\tother\twords, we\t must\t commit.\t Yet\t we\t would\t rather\t get\t lost\t in\t the\t grand\t scheme\t of daydreaming\tthan\tbe\tforced\tto\tmake\tchoices\tthat\twill\tforever\tdefine\twho\twe\tare. (It\u2019s\t interesting\t that\t the\t English\t word\t decide\t has\t the\t same\t etymological\t root\t as homicide:\tthe\tLatin\tword\tcadre,\tmeaning\t\u201cto\tcut\tdown\u201d\tor\t\u201cto\tkill.\u201d)\tBut\twe\thalf","believe\t that\t if\t we\t never\t make\t a\t choice,\t we\t won\u2019t\t have\t to\t live\t with\t failure\t or regret.\tFunctional\tmagnetic\tresonance\timaging\t(fMRI)\thas\tshown\tthat\twhen\twe make\t decisions\t couched\t in\t uncertainty,\t it\t stimulates\t the\t amygdala\u2014the\t \u201cfear and\tanxiety\tresponse\tcenter.\u201d\tOur\tbrains\tare\tliterally\tafraid\tof\tbeing\twrong.1\tSo rather\tthan\tmove\tour\tlives\tforward,\twe\tleave\tourselves\topen\tto\tevery\tpossibility, with\t the\t misplaced\t hope\t that\t the\t perfect\t opportunity\t will\t present\t itself.\t And don\u2019t\t think\t that\t our\t intelligence\t or\t talent\t shields\t us\t against\t the\t crime\t of procrastination.\t On\t the\t contrary,\t intelligent\t people\t can\t always\t find\t endless rationales\tthat\tsupport\tdifferent\tcourses\tof\taction. It\u2019s\t human\t nature\t to\t want\t to\t keep\t our\t options\t open,\t and\t as\t the\t ego\t looms larger,\t it\t magnifies\t the\t fear\t of\t commitment\u2014we\t can\u2019t\t fail,\t be\t wrong,\t or\t feel restricted.\tIt\talways\tlooks\tfor\ta\tway\tout,\tshould\twe\twant\tto\tescape.\tYet\tthe\tego built\t this\t back\t door\t out\t of\t fear,\t and\t indecision\t doesn\u2019t\t free\t us,\t it\t keeps\t us trapped\tand\tbends\tus\tinto\tsomeone\twho\tis\tafraid\tto\tlive.\tNothing\twill\tbecome\tof our\t lives\u2014NOTHING\u2014until\t we\t decide\t what\t we\t want\t out\t of\t life\t and\t are prepared\tto\tmake\ta\tprofound\tcommitment\tto\tthat\tdecision.\tIf\twe\tdon\u2019t\trecognize this\ttruth,\twe\tcan\u2019t\tgo\tany\tfurther. THE\tANTIDOTE:\tAN\tAUTHENTIC\tSELF People\t typically\t rank\t public\t speaking\t as\t their\t number-one\t fear.\t Death\t ranks\t at number\ttwo.\tTo\teliminate\tjitters\tassociated\twith\tpublic\tspeaking,\tone\tneed\tonly focus\ton\tthe\taudience\tand\ttheir\tneeds.\tWe\tcannot\tbe\tself-conscious\tif\twe\tare\tnot thinking\tabout\tourselves.\tWhen\tthe\tspeaker\u2019s\tthoughts\tare\tgeared\ttoward\tothers, he\tmoves\tfrom\ttaking\tto\tgiving.\tAnd\twhere\tthere\tis\tno\tego,\tthere\tis\tno\tanxiety. If\tthe\tspeaker\tis\tconsumed\twith\thow\the\tis\tgoing\tto\tcome\tacross\u2014Will\tthey\tlike me?\t Will\t I\t make\t a\t fool\t of\t myself?\u2014he\t can\u2019t\t help\t but\t become\t nervous.\t In\t our own\t lives,\t the\t greater\t the\t difference\t between\t the\t image\t we\t wish\t to\t project\t and our\ttrue\tself,\tthe\tgreater\tthe\tfear. As\t we\t previously\t discussed,\t living\t authentically\t allows\t the\t false\t identity\t to dissolve\t because\t its\t only\t purpose\t is\t to\t keep\t you\t from\t seeing\t yourself.\t At\t this point\t your\t fears\t dissolve.\t We\t go\t after\t what\t we\t want\t without\t the\t reins\t of\t self- doubt,\t because\t when\t it\u2019s\t not\t about\t us,\t we\t can\t access\t any\t trait\t we\t need,\t to accomplish\twhat\twe\twish.\tWhen\tthere\tis\tno\tego,\twe\tcan\trise\tabove\tany\tfear;\tand when\tthere\tis\tno\tfear,\tthere\tis\tno\tdelay.\tTo\tkeep\tan\tirrational\tquest\tfor\tperfection from\t becoming\t an\t excuse\t for\t procrastination\t and\t a\t source\t of\t unrelenting\t anger and\t frustration,\t you\t have\t to\t get\t real\t with\t who\t you\t are\u2014only\t then\t can\t you fearlessly\tpursue\twhat\tyou\twant.","In\tthe\twords\tof\tEmerson,\t\u201cTo\tbe\tyourself\tin\ta\tworld\tthat\tis\tconstantly\ttrying to\tmake\tyou\tsomething\telse\tis\tthe\tgreatest\taccomplishment.\u201d\tWhen\tour\tgoals\tare tainted\t by\t the\t ego,\t we\t play\t it\t safe\t and\t convince\t ourselves\t that\t we\u2019re\t playing\t it smart;\t but\t we\t aren\u2019t\t living\t life,\t we\u2019re\t hiding\t from\t ourselves.\t The\t only\t fear\t we should\t occupy\t ourselves\t with\t is\t the\t failure\t to\t actualize\t our\t God\t given\t abilities, because\tshame\tlives\tin\tthe\thome\tof\tunrealized\tpotential.","PART\tVI RECLAIMING\tOURSELVES\tAND REDEFINING\tOUR\tBOUNDARIES","19 Redrawing\tthe\tLines\twith\tBoundary Breachers If\tyou\twant\tto\tlive\tanger\tfree,\tthen\tyou\u2019ve\tgot\tto\tknow\twho\tyou\tare,\tbe\twho\tyou are,\t and\t stand\t up\t for\t who\t you\t are.\t So,\t here\t we\t are\t again,\t back\t to\t talking\t about relationships.\tWhen\tit\tcomes\tto\tunleashing\tour\tmost\tbase\tnature,\tno\tarea\tin\tlife tries\t us\t more\t than\t our\t relationships.\t And\t while\t we\t can\t cultivate\t character\t in serenity\t and\t solitude,\t the\t true\t measure\t of\t our\t greatness\t and\t growth\u2014where\t the rubber\tmeets\tthe\troad\u2014is\tin\tthe\tdomain\tof\trelationships. It\t is\t therefore\t the\t height\t of\t arrogance\t to\t presume\t that\t if\t all\t of\t the\t difficult people\t in\t our\t lives\t would\t simply\t disappear,\t we\t would\t be\t more\t productive, happier,\t and\t more\t successful.\t We\t bemoan\t these\t emotional\t vampires\t who\t drain our\tlife\u2019s\tblood\tand\texhaust\tour\ttime,\tmoney,\tand\tenergy,\tbut\tthese\trelationships provide\t the\t necessary\t soil\t for\t us\t to\t develop\t our\t full\t potential.\t Putting\t the spiritual\tcomponent\taside,\thowever,\twe\tmust\tremind\tourselves\tof\tthe\tinexorable link\t between\t our\t mental\t health\t and\t the\t quality\t of\t our\t relationships.\t As\t was discussed\t earlier,\t a\t person\t with\t low\t self-esteem\t has\t difficulty\t maintaining healthy\t relationships.\t Yet\t equally\t compelling\t is\t that\t even\t the\t healthiest\t among us\thave\tto\tbeware,\tbecause\tpeople\tin\tour\tlives\twith\tlow\tself-esteem\tcan\twear\ton our\t emotional\t heath,\t despite\t our\t best\t efforts\t to\t work\t on\t ourselves.\t If\t we\t learn how\tto\tnavigate\tthese\trelationships,\tit\twill\tgo\ta\tlong\tway\ttoward\tpreserving\tour sanity\tand\tour\tability\tto\tmaintain\tour\tcalm. GOOD\tFENCES\tMAKE\tGOOD NEIGHBORS","Because\t the\t quality\t of\t our\t relationships\t and\t our\t mental\t health\t are\t intertwined, boundaries\t are\t not\t simply\t a\t nice\t idea,\t but\t integral\t to\t the\t totality\t of\t our\t well- being.\tPoor\tboundaries\tmay\tlead\tto\ta\tbreakdown\tnot\tonly\tof\tthe\trelationship\tbut of\t the\t individual\u2014of\t ourselves\u2014as\t well.\t Unless\t and\t until\t we\t establish\t proper boundaries,\t we\t are\t allowing\t other\t people,\t who\t are\t quite\t possibly\t unwell,\t to define\tus\tand\tthe\trelationship. A\t poor\t self-image\t often\t translates\t into\t porous\t borders\u2014because\t if\t a\t person does\t not\t have\t a\t clear\t definition\t of\t himself,\t he\t is\t unable\t to\t recognize\t what\t is proper\t between\t him\t and\t others.\t This\t may\t manifest\t as\t the\t chronically\t needy person\twho\tasks\tto\tbe\trescued\tfrom\tevery\tself-made\tcrisis;\tor\tas\tthe\tcontrolling, pushy\t personality\t who\t hides\t his\t insecurities\t with\t arrogance\t and\t bravado. Healthy\t boundaries\t are\t not\t created\t to\t keep\t people\t out,\t but\t rather\t to\t define\t our space\tand\tour\tsense\tof\tpersonal\tresponsibility. \t\t\t\t\t\t* If\t someone\t in\t your\t life\t suffers\t from\t an\t emotional\t illness,\t recognize\t that\t you cannot\t make\t it\t your\t life\u2019s\t work\t to\t cure\t the\t person\t or\t even\t to\t educate\t him, because\t this\t is\t most\t likely\t not\t even\t within\t your\t ability.\t Instead,\t you\t should focus\t on\t maximizing\t the\t potential\t of\t the\t relationship.\t Certainly,\t to\t the\t degree that\t someone\t can\t accept\t constructive\t criticism,\t you\t have\t an\t obligation\t to\t help him\t see\t the\t consequences\t of\t his\t behavior,\t but\t only\t if\t you\t feel\t that\t you\t might succeed. Once\tyou\tcome\tto\tterms\twith\tthe\treality\tof\this\tcondition\tand\this\tlimitations, you\u2019ll\t find\t it\t easier\t to\t accept\t this\t person\t into\t your\t life.\t Still,\t just\t because\t two people\tare\trelated\tor\thave\tcontact\twith\teach\tother\tdoesn\u2019t\tnecessarily\tmean\tthey have\t a\t relationship\u2014at\t least\t not\t in\t the\t traditional,\t healthy\t sense.\t A\t genuine relationship\t involves\t two\t people\t who\t give\t and\t take.\t Yet\t if\t the\t other\t person\t is incapable\tof\tgiving,\tthen\tour\texpectations\twill\troutinely\texceed\tthe\tlimits\tof\this ability\u2014and\twe\twill\talways\tfeel\tfrustrated. Apart\t from\t immediate\t family,\t if,\t instead,\t we\t reframe\t the\t dynamics\t and consider\t it\t kindness,\t then\t we\t won\u2019t\t rely\t on\t him\t to\t reciprocate\t our\t efforts\t or fulfill\t his\t obligations\t according\t to\t the\t definition\t of\t a\t normal\t relationship.\t Our mind-set\t largely\t depends\t on\t our\t expectations.\t How\t we\t frame\t our\t interactions greatly\t affects\t our\t attitude\t toward\t a\t person.\t It\t is\t essential\t to\t requalify\t this guidance\tbecause\twhen\tit\tcomes\tto\timmediate\tfamily\tmembers,\twe\tcan\u2019t\tsimply recuse\t ourselves\t of\t our\t obligations\t by\t redefining\t the\t relationship\t and\t calling\t it something\t else.\t Although\t we\t can\u2019t\t let\t unwell\t people\t draw\t the\t boundary\t lines,","for\t our\t own\t emotional\t health,\t we\t must\t make\t every\t effort\t to\t maintain\t the\t best working\trelationship\tpossible. THE\tSHAPE\tOF\tTHINGS\tTO\tCOME In\tcertain\tinstances,\twe\tmust\tsay,\t\u201cEnough\tis\tenough.\u201d\tYet\twe\tshouldn\u2019t\tbelieve that\tthe\tlarger\tsolution\tmeans\tcutting\tdifficult\tpeople\tout\tof\tour\tlives.\tRarely\tis this\t required.\t Only\t when\t we\t react\t to\t another\u2019s\t cruelty\t with\t similar\t behavior\t do we\t move\t to\t a\t mode\t of\t dependence,\t and\t to\t suffering.\t Recall\t our\t overarching theme:\tWe\tmust\tact\tand\tinteract\tresponsibly\tby\tmoving\tthe\tego\tout\tof\tthe\tway. That\u2019s\tit.\tIf\twe\tact\tout\tof\tanger,\twe\twill\tsuffer.\tWe\tcannot\tget\taround\tthis.\tGuilt and\t shame\t will\t seep\t in,\t our\t ego\t deploys\t to\t fortify\t our\t response,\t and\t all\t the while,\tour\tself-esteem\tand\temotional\twell-being\tslowly\tmelt. In\t our\t own\t lives,\t we\t know\t that\t we\t don\u2019t\t often\t feel\t complete\t when\t we\t feud with,\t or\t become\t estranged\t from,\t a\t member\t of\t our\t immediate\t family.\t If, however,\twe\tdo\teverything\tthat\twe\tcan,\twhen\twe\tcan,\tfor\tas\tlong\tas\twe\tcan,\tto have\t the\t healthiest\t relationship\t possible,\t and\t it\u2019s\t still\t not\t enough,\t then\t we\t may experience\t sadness\t over\t the\t broken\t state\t of\t the\t relationship,\t but\t we\t remain whole\u2014emotionally\t and\t spiritually\t intact,\t undivided\t by\t guilt,\t shame,\t or resentment.\t In\t no\t way\t does\t this\t mean\t that\t we\t become\t a\t doormat\t and\t welcome every\t intolerable\t person\t into\t our\t lives.\t Ego\t negation\t means\t that\t we\t bring\t our true\t self\t out\t and\t into\t our\t relationships,\t with\t the\t singular\t goal\t of\t taking responsibility\tand\tbeing\tresponsible.\tWhether\tthat\ttakes\tus\tdeeper\tinto\tor\tfurther away\tfrom\ta\tparticular\trelationship\tis\tnot\tat\tissue.\tDoing\tthe\tresponsible\tthing\tis. Our\twillingness\tto\tdo\twhat\tis\tlegitimately\trequired\tto\tfoster\thealthy\trelationships ultimately\t gives\t us\t peace\u2014allows\t us\t to\t remain\t whole\u2014regardless\t of\t the outcome.\t Moreover,\t each\t time\t we\t rise\t above\t our\t nature\t for\t the\t sake\t of\t peace, we\t fortify\t our\t wholeness,\t because\t all\t acts\t of\t giving\t refresh\t our\t emotional reserves\tand\tboost\tour\tself-esteem. TRUE\tPEACE True\tpeace\tdoes\tnot\tmean\tthe\tabsence\tof\tdifference,\tbut\tthe\tsymphony\tof\tunique expression.\tIf\twe\tforcibly\tdiminish\tour\tindividuality,\tthis\tdoesn\u2019t\tproduce\tpeace \u2014it\t produces\t problems.\t We\t might\t easily\t acquiesce\t when\t we\t subjugate ourselves,\tbut\tinevitably\tresentment\tbuilds\tand\trelationships\tsuffer. Seeking\t peace\t doesn\u2019t\t mean\t that\t we\t let\t people\t push\t past\t the\t boundaries\t of","acceptability.\tAt\ttimes,\tthe\tright\tthing\tto\tdo\tis\tnot\tremaining\tsilent,\tbut\tto\tspeak up\u2014and\tstand\tup\u2014for\tourselves\tand\twhat\tis\tright.\tAn\tobligation\tto\tthe\ttruth\tat times\t supersedes\t a\t transient\t peace,\t and\t we\t can\u2019t\t default\t to\t a\t position\t of wholesale\tcompliance\twhen\tcommon\tsense\tdictates\tthat\tour\tvoice\tbe\theard\tand our\t position\t be\t known\u2014even\t when\t it\t will\t cause\t friction.\t Authentic\t peace without\ttruth\tis\tan\toxymoron.\tIt\tdoesn\u2019t\texist,\tand\tthose\twho\twould\trecklessly\tor sheepishly\tsacrifice\tthe\ttruth\twill\tlose\tboth\ttruth\tand\tpeace\u2014and\tinstead\tbe\tfull of\tanger\tand\tresentment.","20 How\tto\tTalk\tto\tPeople\tWho\tDon\u2019t\tListen \u201cBut\t he\u2019s\t smart!\t Successful!\t Talented!\u201d\t All\t of\t this\t is\t irrelevant.\t We\t must\t not confuse\t intelligence\t with\t emotional\t health.\t As\t was\t discussed\t in\t Chapter\t 5,\t in any\t given\t situation,\t a\t smart\t person\t can\t make\t a\t poor\t decision,\t while\t his\t less- intelligent\t counterpart\t might\t make\t a\t wiser,\t more\t thoughtful\t choice.\t Our\t self- esteem,\t not\t our\t intelligence,\t determines\t the\t direction\t of\t our\t behavior.\t An intelligent\tperson\thas\tthe\tpotential\tto\tmake\tbetter\tchoices,\tbut\this\tmotivation\tand capability\tto\tdo\tso\tare\tdetermined\tby\this\tperspective\tor\temotional\thealth. The\t egocentric\t person\t will\t often\t pride\t himself\t on\t his\t instincts\t because\t he will\troutinely\tdisregard\tlogic\t(though\the\tparadoxically\tsees\thimself\tas\ta\tman\tof intellect).\t He\u2019s\t someone\t who\t says,\t \u201cYou\t have\t to\t go\t with\t your\t gut\u201d\t and\t \u201cTrust your\t intuition,\t no\t matter\t what.\u201d\t When\t the\t facts\t invariably\t conflict\t with\t his position\t we\t wonder,\t How\t can\t he\t be\t so\t foolish?\t We\u2019re\t looking\t for\t the\t logic behind\ta\trationale\tthat\tdoesn\u2019t\texist,\treason\tin\ta\tpsychological\tlandscape\tdevoid of\t reason.\t If\t we\t become\t frustrated\t because\t someone\t else\t simply\t doesn\u2019t\t get\t it, we\u2019re\t behaving\t even\t more\t irrationally\t than\t he\t is.\t The\t other\t person\t can\u2019t\t help himself,\tbut\twe\tknow\tbetter\tand\tcan\tchoose\tto\tend\tthis\texercise\tin\tfutility. We\t would\t do\t well\t to\t abandon\t the\t belief\t that\t we\t are\t only\t one\t perfectly crafted\t sentence\t away\t from\t showing\t this\t person\t reality\u2014that\t he\t is\t wrong\t and we\t are,\t in\t fact,\t right.\t We\t often\t persist\t in\t believing\t that\t if\t we\t just\t present\t a rational\t argument\t and\t explain\t the\t facts\t clearly\t and\t logically,\t the\t other\t person cannot\tdraw\tanything\tother\tthan\tthe\tright\tconclusion\tand\twill\tthen\tsee\tthings\tour way\u2014the\t right\t way.\t It\u2019s\t similar\t to\t an\t individual\t who,\t when\t conversing\t with someone\twho\tdoesn\u2019t\tknow\this\tlanguage,\tspeaks\tslower\tand\tlouder,\tenunciating each\tword\tand\tmaking\tanimated\tfacial\texpressions.\tOn\tone\tlevel,\the\trecognizes that\t the\t other\t person\t doesn\u2019t\t understand\t a\t single\t word\t that\t he\t utters,\t but\t his emotional\tself\tcannot\tfathom\thow\tthis\tcan\tbe,\twhen\tthe\twords\tseem\tso\tclear\tto","him. When\t dealing\t with\t someone\t like\t this,\t we\t need\t to\t muster\t up\t as\t much empathy\tas\tpossible.\tSuch\ta\tperson\tis\tdisconnected\tfrom\this\ttrue\tself\u2014the\tsoul \u2014and\tfrom\tothers,\tand\tsuffers\tfrom\tintense\tfeelings\tof\tloneliness,\tregardless\tof the\t crowds\t around\t him.\t As\t we\t explained\t in\t Chapter\t 3,\t his\t inability\t to\t connect with\t others\t is\t extremely\t painful\t and\t isolating.\t Moreover,\t despite\t what\t we\t may want\tto\tbelieve,\t this\tperson\t probably\tdoesn\u2019t\twake\tup\tin\tthe\t morning\twith\tthe thought,\t How\t can\t I\t make\t your\t life\t miserable\t today?\t Hurt\t people\t hurt.\t Not because\t they\t are\t bad,\t but\t because\t they\t are\t in\t pain.\t Though\t we\t all\t bear responsibility\tfor\tour\tbehavior,\twe\tmust\tnot\tassume\ta\tconscious\tintent\tin\tothers (and\tif\tthe\tbehavior\tis\tconscious,\tall\tthe\tmore\treason\tto\thave\tempathy,\tbecause this\tperson\tis\tquite\tunwell). DEALING\tWITH\tBOUNDARY BREACHERS Boundaries\t are\t not\t selfish\u2014they\t are\t responsible.\t We\t need\t to\t establish\t healthy boundaries\t to\t give\t the\t relationship\t a\t chance\t to\t survive\t and\t perhaps\t even\t to thrive.\t Moreover,\t our\t efforts\t help\t the\t person\t become\t more\t self-aware\t and prevent\t him\t from\t doing\t psychological\t harm\t to\t himself.\t How?\t Because\t it damages\thim\temotionally\tevery\ttime\the\ttakes\tadvantage\tof\tus,\tand\tit\treinforces his\tcorrupted\tthought\tprocess,\tnot\tto\tmention\tthe\tquality\tof\tthe\trelationship. Because\tof\tporous\tboundaries,\the\twill\ttry\tto\ttake\tthings\tthat\tdon\u2019t\tbelong\tto him\t without\t compunction\u2014our\t time,\t our\t energy,\t our\t attention\u2014in\t much\t the same\t way\t that\t a\t thief\t would\t take\t our\t money\t or\t possessions.\t We\t need\t to remember\t that\t words\t are\t rarely\t enough,\t and\t we\t will\t find\t it\t futile,\t time\t and again,\t to\t merely\t state,\t Please\t do\t not\t cross\t this\t boundary.\t The\t same\t applies\t to physical\t boundaries.\t If\t we\t don\u2019t\t want\t someone\t to\t break\t into\t a\t sensitive\t area, such\tas\tprivate\tbuilding,\twe\tput\tup\ta\tfence\tand\tinstall\tan\talarm;\twe\tmight\teven remind\t the\t would-be\t thief\t that\t trespassing\t is\t a\t punishable\t crime\u2014and\t spell\t out the\t exact\t penalty.\t We\t wouldn\u2019t,\t however,\t put\t up\t a\t sign\t that\t says,\t DO\t NOT STEAL.\tThose\twho\trespect\tboundaries\tdon\u2019t\tneed\tit,\tand\tthose\twho\tdo\tnot\twon\u2019t respect\tthe\tsign. To\t set\t boundaries\t with\t unhealthy\t people,\t we\t cannot\t tell\t them\t what\t to\t do. Rather,\t we\t must\t tell\t them\t how\t we\u2019ll\t respond\t if\t they\t breach\t our\t boundaries.\t To","be\t certain,\t we\t don\u2019t\t have\t to\t convey\t this\t harshly\t or\t bluntly\u2014to\t the\t contrary. With\t kindness\t and\t compassion,\t we\t want\t to\t explain\t our\t boundaries\t and\t the consequences\tfor\tviolating\tthem\twith\tunacceptable\tbehavior. DRAW\tTHE\tLINE\tAND\tSTAY\tSTRONG Low\t self-esteem\t will\t make\t us\t wary\t of\t confrontation,\t fearing\t that\t we\t will\t be rejected\t or\t abandoned;\t but\t we\t can\u2019t\t shy\t away\t from\t being\t responsible\t because someone\t might\t be\t upset\t with\t us.\t He\t probably\t will\t act\t irrationally\t (and\t become angry)\tif\twe\tdon\u2019t\tdo\twhat\the\twants\t(which\tis,\tin\tfact,\tirresponsible).\tWe\tcannot, though,\tgive\tin\tto\this\tdemands\t(and\tact\tirresponsibly)\tto\tprevent\thim\tfrom\tacting irresponsibly.\t Do\t you\t see\t the\t lunacy\t of\t this?\t It\t is\t sheer\t foolishness\t and\t utterly pointless\t for\t us\t to\t deviate\t from\t behaving\t responsibly\t simply\t because\t someone will\tget\tangry\tat\tus\tif\twe\tdo.\tWe\tcannot\tallow\tanother\tindividual\tto\tforce\tus\tto do\tsomething\tthat\tis\twrong\tmerely\tbecause\the\u2019ll\trespond\tunreasonably\tif\twe\tdo what\tis\tright.\tIn\tthat\tcase,\tnot\tonly\twould\twe\tbe\tacting\tirresponsibly\tto\tavoid\this anger,\t we\u2019d\t end\t up\t getting\t angry\t with\t ourselves\t and\t become\t resentful\t toward him. \t\t\t\t\t\t* As\t we\t explore\t the\t psychological\t dynamics\t more\t closely,\t we\t find\t that\t what really\t bothers\t us\t is\t that\t we\t get\t bothered;\t what\t really\t annoys\t us\t is\t that\t we\t get annoyed.\tIf\twe\tbecome\tangry\u2014or\tact\totherwise\tnegligently\u2014we\tmove\tto\ta\tstate of\tdependency,\tbecause\tsomeone\t\u201ccauses\u201d\tus\tto\trespond\tin\ta\tway\tthat\twe\tdo\tnot choose.\t Unpleasant\t circumstances\t in\t general,\t and\t difficult\t people\t in\t particular, push\t us\t toward\t an\t irrationally\t charged\t reaction.\t Choosing\t to\t respond\t calmly, irrespective\tof\tour\tnegative\temotional\tstate,\tepitomizes\tmental\thealth.\tWhatever such\t a\t person\t asks\t of\t us,\t we\t either\t say,\t \u201cYes,\u201d\t with\t joy\t or\t \u201cNo,\u201d\t calmly\t and guilt\tfree.\tGiving\tin\tout\tof\tfear\tor\tguilt\tdoes\tnothing\tto\tenhance\tour\tself-esteem. To\tthe\tcontrary,\tgiving\tin\tdiminishes\tit.\tSuch\ta\tsituation\tis\tnot\treally\tgiving;\tit\tis the\tother\tperson\ttaking. You\tprobably\tknow\tfrom\tyour\town\tlife\texperiences\tthat\twhen\tsomeone\ttries to\tguilt\tyou\tinto\tdoing\tsomething\tand\tyou\tstand\tup\tfor\tyourself\u2014just\tsay\tno\u2014 you\t feel\t better\t about\t yourself.\t You\t also\t experience\t a\t similar\t empowerment when\tyou\tsay\tyes\tto\ta\trequest\tthat\tyou\tbelieve\tyou\tshould\taccommodate,\teven\tif you\t aren\u2019t\t in\t the\t mood.\t The\t bottom\t line\t is\t that\t whatever\t you\t say\t or\t do,\t if\t it\u2019s from\ta\tposition\tof\tstrength\u2014that\tis,\tyou\tchoose\tyour\tcourse\tof\taction\u2014you\twill infuse\tyourself\twith\tan\tunwavering\tsense\tof\tself-respect.","21 Speak\tNow,\tor\tForever\tBe\tin\tPieces In\tlearning\thow\tto\texpress\tourselves,\tit\u2019s\tuseful\tto\tbe\taware\tof\tour\tusual\tmodus operandi,\tor\tmethod\tof\toperating.\tPeople\trespond\tto\tconflict\tin\tone\tof\tfive\tways: (1)\t by\t accepting\t it;\t (2)\t by\t retreating\t from\t it;\t (3)\t by\t surrendering\t to\t it\t or suppressing\tit;\t(4)\tby\tfighting;\tor\t(5)\tby\tshutting\tdown. Acceptance\t is\t the\t healthiest\t response.\t This\t person\t sees\t and\t accepts\t the situation\tfor\twhat\tit\tis\tand\tdoesn\u2019t\tbecome\tangry\tor\tallow\this\temotions\tto\tdictate his\tresponse.\tRationally\tand\tobjectively,\the\tweighs\tthe\toptions\tand\tthen\tfortifies his\t decision\t with\t the\t necessary\t emotional\t weight.\t Retreat\t is\t typical\t of\t passive- aggressive\t individuals,\t who\t withdraw\t to\t avoid\t confrontation.\t The\t passive- aggressive\tperson\tlacks\tthe\tconfidence\tand\tcourage\tto\tface\tthe\tsituation\thead\ton, so\the\tbacks\tdown\tin\tthe\tmoment,\tbut\tgets\tback\tat\tthe\tperson\tin\tanother\tway,\tat another\t time.\t His\t retaliation,\t or\t revenge,\t may\t take\t the\t form\t of\t being\t late, \u201cforgetting\u201d\t to\t do\t something\t important\t for\t the\t other\t person,\t or\t just\t generally inconveniencing\tthe\tother\tperson\tin\tsome\tway. The\t person\t who\t surrenders\t his\t anger\t simply\t gives\t up\t and\t gives\t in,\t a response\t that\t often\t reflects\t codependency\t and\t a\t doormat\t or\t compliant personality\t type.\t He\t doesn\u2019t\t feel\t worthy\t enough\t to\t stand\t up\t for\t himself\t and\/or feels\t incapable\t of\t advancing\t his\t own\t agenda,\t needs,\t and\t wishes.\t If\t he\t is\t not conscious\tof\tthese\tthoughts\tthen\the\tsuppresses\this\tanger\tand\tis\tunaware\tthat\tit\tis eating\thim\tup\tinside;\tin\tfact,\the\tmay\tdeclare\u2014to\tboth\thimself\tand\tto\tothers\u2014to be\t a\t very\t calm\t and\t easygoing\t person\t who\t just\t \u201crolls\t with\t things,\u201d\t and\t doesn\u2019t get\t too\t ruffled\t (while\t the\t anger\t manifests\t into\t myriad\t physiological\t and emotional\t issues).\t The\t distinction\t between\t this\t class\t and\t the\t passive-aggressive is\tthat\tthe\tlatter\tdoesn\u2019t\tfeel\tentitled\tto\tassert\thimself\twhile\tthe\tformer\tdoes,\tbut feels\t unable\t to\t do\t so\t directly.\t The\t fourth\t potential\t response,\t fighting,\t produces direct,\t unhealthy\t conflict.\t This\t person,\t emotionally\t charged\t and\t enraged,","chooses\t to\t battle\t it\t out\t head-on\t without\t the\t benefit\t of\t composure\t and\t reason. Finally,\t if\t one\u2019s\t emotional\t state\t is\t fragile\t and\t the\t circumstance\t too overwhelming,\the\tmay\tshut\tdown\tin\tan\tattempt\tto\tshut\tout\tthe\tpain. EXPRESS\tYOURSELF Whether\twe\tare\tthe\ttype\tto\tconvey\tour\tanger\tpassively\tor\topenly\u2014or\tto\tswallow it\tor\t wallow\t in\t it\u2014we\t must\t learn\t to\t express\t ourselves\t in\t a\t way\t that\t optimizes how\t the\t other\t person\t will\t hear\t what\t we\t say.\t As\t we\t discussed,\t we\t want\t to approach\tthe\tperson\twith\thumility\tand\trespect,\tand\tcalmly\tcommunicate\thow\twe feel\t without\t necessarily\t assigning\t blame\t or\t assuming\t a\t malicious\t intent.\t Most importantly,\t we\t have\t to\t say\t something!\t The\t single\t biggest\t killer\t in\t any relationship\t is\t resentment.\t Resentment\t is\t frozen\t anger\t from\t the\t past\t that continues\tto\trear\tits\thead.\tWhen\tsomething\tdistresses\tus,\tand\twe\tcan\u2019t\tdeal\twith it\t on\t our\t own\t in\t a\t healthy\t way,\t then\t it\u2019s\t time\t to\t do\t something;\t because\t if\t we don\u2019t\tspeak\tup\twhen\tnecessary,\twe\tmay\tact\tout\tin\tinappropriate\tways. Need\ta\tlittle\thelp\tasserting\tyourself?\tHere\u2019s\ta\tsimple\ttechnique\tfrom\tcutting- edge\t research,\t and\t in\t an\t upcoming\t chapter\t we\u2019ll\t learn\t an\t additional\t strategy\t to radically\t transform\t our\t self-concept\t to\t become\t more\t confident,\t which\t makes\t it considerably\teasier\tto\tassert\tourselves. \t\t\t\t\t\t* Research\tout\tof\tHarvard\tUniversity\thas\tfound\ta\tdirect\tcorrelation\tbetween\tbody language\t and\t the\t release\t of\t hormones.\t For\t both\t men\t and\t women,\t higher\t levels of\ttestosterone\tincrease\tfeelings\tof\tconfidence,\twhile\tlower\tlevels\tof\tcortisol\t(the stress\t hormone)\t reduce\t anxiety\t and\t improve\t your\t ability\t to\t deal\t with\t stress.\t In just\ttwo\tminutes\tof\tmaintaining\ta\thigh-power\tpose\u2014which\tis\topen\tand\trelaxed \u2014hormone\t levels\t shift\t dramatically,\t with\t a\t 20\t percent\t increase\t in\t testosterone and\t a\t 25\t percent\t decrease\t in\t cortisol.1\t The\t Wonder\t Woman\t stance\t is\t a\t good example\tof\tthe\tpower\tpose:\tStand\twith\tfeet\tapart,\thands\ton\thips,\tshoulders\tback. Holding\t this\t stance\t for\t just\t two\t minutes\t offers\t immediate\t results,\t because\t you will\tbe\tphysiologically\tprimed\tand\tinclined\tto\tassert\tyourself\twith\tgreater\tease; and\tpracticing\tthis\tpose\tseveral\ttimes\ta\tday\tcan\tincrease\tour\tconfidence\tlevels\tin the\t long-term.\t Because\t the\t research\t is\t new,\t conflicting\t findings\t question\t the extent\t of\t hormonal\t fluctuations,\t but\t what\t remains\t certain\t are\t the\t multitude\t of studies\t with\t unanimous\t agreement\t that\t such\t postures\t and\t poses\t have\t a\t direct impact\t on\t mood\t and\t produce\t a\t wide\t range\t of\t near-instantaneous\t cognitive\t and behavioral\t changes.\t For\t example,\t in\t one\t such\t experiment,\t subjects\t were","randomly\tassigned\tto\tadopt\tone\tof\ttwo\tpostures\u2014either\tslumped\tin\ttheir\tseat\tor sitting\tstraight\tup\u2014while\tfilling\tout\ta\tmock\tjob\tapplication.\tAsked\tfor\tan\thonest self-evaluation,\t those\t in\t the\t latter\t group\t rated\t themselves\t more\t competent\t and capable\tthan\ttheir\tslouching\tcounterparts.2 UNFREEZING\tRESENTMENT There\u2019s\t a\t right\t and\t a\t wrong\t way\t to\t express\t ourselves,\t and\t our\t approach\t can make\t all\t the\t difference\t in\t the\t world.\t As\t we\t know\t for\t ourselves,\t sometimes we\u2019re\t more\t open,\t and\t other\t times,\t the\t slightest\t critical\t comment\t can\t send\t us crawling\t under\t the\t nearest\t rock\t or\t make\t us\t defensive\t and\t argumentative.\t What we\t say,\t how\t we\t say\t it,\t where\t we\t say\t it,\t and\t when\t we\t say\t it\t will\t influence\t how other\tpeople\treceive\tour\tcomments.\tThe\tfollowing\tten\tsteps\twill\thelp\tensure\tthat we\texpress\tour\twords\tin\tthe\toptimum\tego-free\tmanner,\tso\tthat\tpeople\thear\tthem in\tthe\tkindest\tway. If,\t despite\t our\t best\t efforts,\t we\t know\t the\t person\t will\t become\t defensive\t and angry\twith\tus,\ta\tgreat\ttechnique\tis\tto\tpreface\tour\twords\twith\tsomething\tlike\tthis: \u201cI\u2019d\t like\t to\t talk\t with\t you\t about\t an\t important\t issue,\t but\t I\u2019m\t concerned\t that\t you might\tget\tupset\twith\tme\tfor\tbringing\tit\tup.\u201d\tUsually,\tcuriosity\twill\tget\tthe\tbetter of\t him,\t and\t he\t will\t assure\t you\t that\t he\t won\u2019t\t get\t angry.\t Believe\t it\t or\t not,\t this assurance\twill\tlikely\thold\ttrue,\tbecause\this\tego\twon\u2019t\twant\thim\tto\tfeel\tfoolish\tby going\tback\ton\this\tword. According\t to\t research,\t people\t who\t are\t in\t a\t good\t mood\t are\t more\t likely\t to purchase\ta\tlottery\tticket.3\tWhen\twe\tare\tjoyful,\twe\ttend\tto\tbe\tmore\toptimistic\tand are\topen\tto\tpossibilities.4\tTry\tnot\tto\tallow\tyour\tdesire\tto\tspeak\tyour\tmind\tderail your\t ability\t to\t successfully\t plan\t your\t approach.\t Wait\t until\t you\u2019re\t both\t in\t a positive\tmood,\tso\tyou\tboth\thave\tthe\tcapacity\tto\tgive.\tWhen\twe\u2019re\tin\ta\tbad\tmood or\tconstricted\tstate,\twe\tare\tonly\tcapable\tof\ttaking,\tmaking\tit\tdifficult\tto\tsee\tthe situation\tfrom\tthe\tother\tperson\u2019s\tperspective.\tWhen\teither\tone\tor\tboth\tof\tyou\tare hungry,\t tired,\t or\t plainly\t angry,\t do\t not\t expect\t that\t you\t will\t have\t a\t productive conversation.\tIt\u2019s\tnot\tgoing\tto\thappen\ttoo\toften,\tif\tever. TEN\tSTEPS\tTO\tEGO-FREE\tCOMMUNICATION 1.\tThey\tDon\u2019t\tCare\tWhat\tYou\tKnow,\tTill\tThey\tKnow\tThat\tYou\tCare Without\tmaking\ta\tbig\tdeal\tabout\tit,\tlet\tthe\tother\tperson\tknow\tyou\u2019re\tsaying\tthis because\t you\t care\u2014you\t care\t about\t him\t and\t your\t relationship.\t There\t is\t an\t age- old\t maxim:\t \u201cWords\t that\t come\t from\t the\t heart\t enter\t the\t heart.\u201d\t Indeed,\t only\t a sincere\t and\t heartfelt\t expression\t of\t feelings\u2014and\t more\t so,\t criticism\u2014has\t a"]
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