The Journal of SLAA Free Recovery Outreach Edition

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition 1

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal 1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with 1. We seek to develop a daily relationship with a Higher Power, and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. knowing that we are not alone in our efforts to heal ourselves from 2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to our addiction. painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs 2. We are willing to be vulnerable because the capacity to trust has from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from been restored to us by our faith in a Higher Power. friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God. 3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pur- 3. We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and our obsession with the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and sue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, some- emotional dependency. times having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time. 4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, 4. We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, morally, psychologically or spiritually. pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued. 5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though 5. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relation- ourselves with others. ships and sexual contacts. 6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and 6. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vul- envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurtur- nerable and learning to trust and accept others. ing care, and support. 7. We allow ourselves to work through the pain of our low self- 7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control esteem and our fears of abandonment and responsibility. We learn others. to feel comfortable in solitude. 8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or 8. We begin to accept our imperfections and mistakes as part of sexual obsessions or fantasies. being human, healing our shame and perfectionism while working on our character defects. 9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable. 9. We begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of ex- pressing emotions and feelings. 10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities. 10. We become honest in expressing who we are, developing true 11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate in- intimacy in our relationships with ourselves and others. volvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery. 11. We learn to value sex as a by-product of sharing, commitment, 12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue trust and cooperation in a partnership. them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expecta- 12. We are restored to sanity, on a daily basis, by participating in the tions. process of recovery. © 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. © 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved All Rights Reserved 2

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition Table of Contents Letter from the Editor 3 The S.L.A.A. Preamble 4 1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Resources 5 1. We seek to develop a daily relationship with a Higher Power, and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. knowing that we are not alone in our efforts to heal ourselves from 2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to Sharing from the Heart our addiction. painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs 2. We are willing to be vulnerable because the capacity to trust has from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from The Reality of Untreated Sex and Love Addiction 6 been restored to us by our faith in a Higher Power. friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God. 3. We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and 3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pur- Question of the Day: The Newcomer’s Experience 8 our obsession with the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and sue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, some- I Struggled to Defne Myself as an Addict 9 emotional dependency. times having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time. An Agnostic Finding Recovery Without God 10 4. We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, 4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, Honesty: The Core of Recovery 11 morally, psychologically or spiritually. pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued. 5. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for 5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though Question of the Day: Recovery from Isolation 12 our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relation- Pornographic Anorexic 13 ourselves with others. ships and sexual contacts. Isolated from God, Myself, and Others 14 6. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vul- 6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and Where I Belong 17 envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurtur- nerable and learning to trust and accept others. 7. We allow ourselves to ing care, and support. The Joy of Relationship work through the pain of our low self- 20 esteem and our fears of abandonment and responsibility. We learn 7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control Question of the Day: Recovery from Fantasy 22 to feel comfortable in solitude. others. Me and Mrs. Jones (woo woo) 23 8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or 8. We begin to accept our imperfections and mistakes as part of 24 being human, healing our shame and sexual obsessions or fantasies. Gratitude for 20 Years in S.L.A.A. perfectionism while working on our character defects. 9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to God is my Answer 27 9. We begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of ex- people who are emotionally unavailable. Question of the Day: This Year’s Achievement 30 pressing emotions and feelings. 10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or About Boundaries 31 compulsive sexual activities. 10. We become honest in expressing who we are, developing true intimacy in our relationsh 11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate in- A Lovely Way To Live ips with ourselves and others. 34 volvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery. 11. We learn to value sex as a by-product of sharing, commitment, © 2011 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, 12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue trust and cooperation in a partnership. Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expecta- 12. We are restored to sanity, on a daily basis, by participating in the tions. process of recovery. Free to copy for distribution of the entire, original edition only available online at: www.slaafws.org/journal/freeissue Not for sale or resale. S.L.A.A. service bodies, including meetings © 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. © 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved and intergroups, may charge a fee to cover actual printing costs. All Rights Reserved Any opinions or beliefs expressed by individual members belongs to those members and does not refect the position of the Journal or S.L.A.A. as a whole. 1

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal The Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A.* 1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of char- acter. 7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious con- tact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives. * ©1985 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Twelve Steps are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that A.A. is affliated with this program. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only. Use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities, which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise. THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs 2

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition Letter from the Editor Dear Reader: Welcome to the special issue of the Journal. For those not familiar with the program of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, we are a fellowship of men and women recovering from sex and love addiction. Our magazine, the Journal, is meant to be a meeting in print. We have compiled selections from various issues of the magazine to introduce our program of recovery . Since sex and love addiction affects people from all walks of life in many different ways, we have included stories that deal with various aspects of the addiction. We hope that anyone who reads this free issue will walk away with a sense of how much the S.L.A.A. program has helped countless people recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind. As you can tell from the stories, we are not people who would normally mix. But we are brought together and support each other in meetings, outreach calls and fellowship. If any of what is written in this issue speaks to you, as I hope it will, I urge you to fnd a meeting in your area and join us. S.L.A.A. saved my life as it did for many others. We hope to return the favor in part with service work such as this issue that you hold in your hands. Thank you for reading. Be well. Sincerely, the Journal Managing Editor & the Conference Journal Committee 3

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal The S.L.A.A. Preamble © 1985, 2003 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc., All Rights Reserved. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition- oriented fellowship based on the model pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous. The only qualifcation for S.L.A.A. membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. S.L.A.A. is supported entirely through the contributions of its membership, and is free to all who need it. To counter the destructive consequences of sex and love addiction, we draw on fve major resources: 1. Sobriety. Our willingness to stop acting out in our own personal bottom-line addictive behavior on a daily basis. 2. Sponsorship/Meetings. Our capacity to reach out for the supportive fellowship within S.L.A.A. 3. Steps. Our practice of the Twelve Step program of recovery to achieve sexual and emotional sobriety 4. Service. Our giving back to the S.L.A.A. community what we con- tinue to freely receive. 5. Spirituality. Our developing a relationship with a Power greater than ourselves, which can guide and sustain us in recovery. As a fellowship, S.L.A.A. is not affliated with any other organizations, movements, or causes, either religious or secular. We are, however, united in a common focus: dealing with our addictive sexual and emotional behavior. We fnd a common denominator in our obsessive/compulsive patterns, which renders any personal differences of sexual or gender orientation irrelevant. We need protect with special care the anonymity of every S.L.A.A. mem- ber. Additionally we try to avoid drawing undue attention to S.L.A.A. as a whole from the public media. 4

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Resources Visit the offcial website of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous www.slaafws.org discover: local meetings, phone meetings, online meetings connect: fnd a long-distance sponsor, purchase literature write: The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc., 1550 NE Loop 410, Suite 118 San Antonio, TX 78209 phone: +1 (210) 828-7900 S.L.A.A. Common Defnitions Anorexia: The compulsive avoidance of giving or receiving social, sexual, or emotional nourishment. Bottom Lines: Self-defned activities from which S.L.A.A. members abstain in order to experience physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual wholeness. Higher Power: A self-defned power greater than ourselves that is capable of restoring us to physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual wholeness. Qualifer: Anyone who becomes your drug of choice, who ‘qualifes’ you to identify as a sex and love addict (typically an ex-lover.) Sponsor: An S.L.A.A. member willing to give a ‘sponsee’ direction based on their experience with how to work the 12 Steps of S.L.A.A. Top Lines: Self-defned activities that members pursue to experience physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual wholeness. 5

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal The Reality of Untreated Sex and Love Addiction As a former primary counselor the world. She was quickly diag- in a major treatment center, a for- nosed with substance dependence, mer owner of a women’s shelter, acute anxiety, and borderline and a Pastor, I have come to see traits. Her history of sexual pro- the reality of untreated sex and miscuity went unnoticed because love addiction. It would be unethi- she deliberately made a big deal cal for me to share patient, tenant, about how faithful she had been or member information with you, to her current man. but I can still share with you a During the course of her treat- truthful story. The story invented ment, she would frequently disap- below is a fctional synthesis of a pear into the bathroom for twenty thousand real stories, realistic in minutes during trauma group. every respect. Situations and per- The staff discussed it and decided sonalities have been combined in a that she was resisting treatment. way that no single real-life person The fact that she was visiting the is even remotely represented. ladies room to quietly masturbate Beth is a cocaine addict. She went undetected as did her past entered treatment because her promiscuity, so instead of treating live-in boyfriend got into recovery sex and love addiction, the staff and threatened to send her pack- prohibited her from visiting the ing if she didn’t get clean. ladies room during group. Beth arrived angry, at him, at Beth abruptly entered with- the treatment intake people, and at drawal, which had not been her 6

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition plan, so she responded by running withdrawal. Beth’s borderline away. She frst found some cocaine diagnosis explained the chaos and then held up in a hotel room and dependency in her personal with another relapsing addict. He relationships and her impulsive introduced her to shooting cocaine behavior, so love addiction (which during sex. No one could fnd her insurance companies don’t rec- for a month. ognize as an addiction) was over- When she emerged all man- looked. gled, she was not able to return to Consequently Beth disap- treatment because the insurance peared like thousands of others, company was denying coverage. into a world of darkness. If there Her boyfriend had lost interest in was someone there, someone who fying her home. Where she ended had taken the time to start an up after the emergency room, only S.L.A.A. meeting in the facility, God knows. if someone dropped by the treat- Lynn, the trauma specialist on ment center to invite the staff to staff had had a vague sense that take the patients out to a nearby Beth’s acute anxiety had some- S.L.A.A. meeting, Beth might have thing to do with early abuse. She found the help she needed. had quietly wondered what Beth Who is responsible for this had been doing in the bathroom. travesty? I am. It never occurred to anyone on — Anonymous staff that Beth ran because of (Issue #115) sexual withdrawal, not cocaine 7

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal Question of the Day Every issue we ask one new question for S.L.A.A. members all around the world to share their experience, strength and hope. Here’s a sample of responses that suggest how important the first impression of our recovery program is to newcomers. “As a newcomer to S.L.A.A., what frst really helped you?” Everyone shared from the heart. I isolated, so it helped when people At the frst meeting I ever welcomed me. attended, I was scared, lonely, — Manuel, Los Angeles suicidal, and convinced my life was over. I could hardly speak, and in fact throughout the entire meeting I could only I’ve been whistling around in my darkness, wondering when my croak out “pass” when it came husband or my boyfriend will fnd my turn to share. But no one out about each other or my online thought worse of me because romances. I went to an S.L.A.A. of it, and I came home with meeting and told my story. There one thing: hope. That made were men and women there that all the difference. seemed pretty happy and normal. — Jim, Fresno CA They welcomed me and told me to come back. What a relief. I think I’ll go back. All this secrecy is The frst meeting I attended exhausting. was very small. What helped the most was that everyone listened — Tammy, Texas while I basically just spilled the beans. I was a wreck by the time I was done, crying and feeling When I was a newcomer, I knew hopeless. Immediately after the about the pain of the disease all meeting all of the guys stayed too well. I felt SO relieved to and talked to me. They let me hear shares around the room that know they had been in the same included a person’s experience, spot and that the program had strength and hope. I needed worked for them. Simple as hope. It kept me coming back. that. — Amy, New York — Greg, Boise ID 8

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition I Struggled to Defne Myself as an Addict S tep One states, “We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.” I have struggled with admitting that I am a sex and love addict. Mostly, I have struggled with the word, “addict.” It had, or I gave it, some pretty negative connotations. To me, an addict is someone who is out of control, untrustworthy, and causes pain, lots of pain. So, why on earth would I want to identify myself as someone like that? My ego resisted. Eventually, Higher Power introduced a particular definition of addiction along my path. I then realized that I could take a loving position toward myself while still identifying myself as an addict. I’d like to share that defnition in the hope that it may help someone else. Addiction: Fear; running from self; not knowing how to love one’s self. That pretty well described me; I had fear, I ran from myself, and I didn’t know how to love myself. I used people, places, and things to avoid being present to myself. This defnition provided me with a loving, objective perspective, a perspective that I hadn’t been able to fnd or give myself. Today, whenever I feel uncomfortable with identifying as an addict, I turn to this defnition once more to ground myself and open my heart. I remind myself that in any given situation, I’ve done and still do the best I can with what I have, depending on where I am in my recovery. As much as my ego might want me to believe that I am my dis-ease, I am much more. Slowly, with time, patience, willingness, working the Twelve Steps, going to meetings, meditating, praying, trusting, and doing service, I am better able to love and accept myself - addiction and all - and that has made all the difference. Thank you S.L.A.A. for the new ways I’m learning and practicing to behave and think towards myself and others. Thank you, Higher Power, for my recovery. — Anonymous, Canada (Issue #121) 9

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal An Agnostic Finding Recovery Without God I have been sober over 5 times, I was speaking my truth years. I am also sober 28 years in and at times I was venting my another fellowship– all without a Theist-resentment. belief in God. I know that what divides me When I was new to the pro- and theists in the program is gram, being open-minded meant small compared to the common- trying anything, including pray- ground that binds us. Most of the ing on my knees or while driv- time, I meditate during the pray- ing, at meetings and in private. I ing in meetings and apply the ad- also tried my hand at the “turn- age “Live and Let Live” during the ing it over to God” vocabulary. sharing portions of the meeting. Ultimately, I knew I was kidding A value such as “turning my myself and I wouldn’t continue will and life over to the care of pretending to believe in God any God” is indeed someone else’s more than I would insist to a value. I just don’t believe in God doubting youth that there abso- or heaven. There is much I don’t lutely is a Santa Claus and he lives understand. I don’t willfully at the North Pole. pump my own heart, for instance I remember fnding ways to but I see much of the unknown as ft into discussion my story about chaotic - not a divine mystery. how I would love to subscribe to I joke that you might think an all-loving, all-powerful deity the steps without God is a short that cares about me, has a will cut, but actually it’s more work, for me and the power to protect more personal responsibility. But and enlighten me but for me, that S.L.A.A. is for all of us. And you would be insanity and the pro- can belong without believing. gram teaches me to seek the truth — Joe, Toronto and shed unsound thinking. At (Issue #126) Editor’s note: Publication of this share in the Journal is neither in- tended to espouse a particular belief nor an alternate interpretation of the steps. The intent is to fully share all stories of experience, strength, hope and recovery without bias to the path chosen. 10

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition Honesty: The Core of Recovery One time at an S.L.A.A. meet- concealed acting out from my fel- ing, an experienced member said, low S.L.A.A. members, I fnally “Dishonesty lies at the center of got honest and began almost four every addiction.” The converse is years of abstinence from my bot- also true; honesty forms the very tom line. I thought I was cured, core of recovery. Without it, no but I was not being completely recovery is possible. I have expe- honest with myself. Two years rienced this principle in my own later, what I thought to be an in- plunge into sexual addiction and nocent emotional affair with a my slow upward crawl out of its customer resulted in my second depths. wife’s attempted suicide, a ter- The Fourth and Fifth Steps rible event that sobered me up for show us the necessity of being awhile. honest with ourselves and with I now know that I can only stay at least one other human being, in recovery as long as I am honest while the Tenth Step tells us that with myself, my Higher Power, we need to continually be honest and others. It is painful, but it is with ourselves and promptly ad- necessary to face the truth of who mit when we are wrong. I am and what I have done. There As addicts, we try to hide the is no other way. truth from our spouses, friends, — JF, Missouri and coworkers. After a devastat- (Issue #115) ing year in 2004, during which I 11

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal Question of the Day “How is isolation part of your sex and love addiction, and how do you fnd recovery?” I can isolate anywhere, anytime; Isolation is a major facet of whether it’s in a room alone, or in my disease, a lot of unhealthy a crowded convention hall full of consequences result. I get lost people. I can use my perfectionism in my own head too much. I to keep people away, any excuse to lose practical perspective of cut people out of my life. It’s almost what’s happening in the world, like a binge and purge cycle. After I obsess and I get into self-pity. lengthy periods of isolation, I act out For recovery, I get in touch sexually. Then the shame sets in and with my Higher Power, I think I start isolating all over again. of things I can do for self-care — Nick, Los Angeles CA and to be of service to others. I make a conscious effort to reach out to others. I am terrifed of intimacy and so I — Natalie, Chicago isolate. I am the class clown, I have many friends and I am an extrovert but I am terrified I am not good Isolation (being anti- enough for you, for the world, and for social) is a big part of my myself. I pretend and masquerade a addiction. When I start to self I think you want to see, that my isolate, it is a warning sign parents told me was the right way to that I am not taking care be, that is acceptable to society. But of myself which is a new deep down I am ashamed of me, so top-line behavior for me. I avoid real intimacy and letting the My isolation is a part of my real me shine. I play second best. not addressing my feelings I defer to others and then I resent or admitting my feelings you. and starts my slide down I fnd recovery by accepting my self the slippery slope. I find as is, and others as they are. I learn to recovery by calling program listen. I learn not to run, to stay and people and being honest participate, imperfect, broken and about how I am feeling. loved by God. I learn to be humble. — Stephen, Connecticut — Ann, Los Angeles CA 12

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition Pornographic Anorexic My bottom-line behaviors are morality when I lured them in. I one-night stands, pornography, always pretended that they some- and sex or intrigue with married how manipulated me into their women. Those in S.L.A.A. with web of marital dishonesty, but it experience told me that all my was just a front for my emotional bottom lines are anorexic. At frst, anorexia. It was the lie I told my- I did not know what they meant. self. I just wanted the woman to It makes sense to me now. go away. What I liked about one-night All this acting out was an stands was their brevity. One avoidance of giving and receiving night, one of my trophy girls love. The old-timers in my home passed out drunk in my bed after group were right. All my bottom- we fnished our sexual frenzy. I line behaviors are anorexic. stayed up reading almost until It’s now possible for me to ex- sunrise so that she would sleep perience love. It started with my it off enough so I could wake her sponsor, then I was able to love and send her home, all to avoid my family, with real emotion, and sleeping next to her. It’s not that they could feel the difference. I she was unattractive. It’s just used to just fake it. I love now in that I’m an anorexic sex and love ways I didn’t know were possible, addict. and none of the people I love are Pornography was the most one-night stands, porn stars, or anorexic. The only thing on the the wives of others. I can even celluloid was disconnected sex. cuddle with my girlfriend without The anorexic part of me was com- feeling like I need to wiggle free fortable with the horrible acting. after a few minutes. I did not want to know the char- Thank God I’m free of the acters. The best part was that no craziness. They tell me that one one ever had to see me physically day at a time I can live life with- or emotionally naked. I could get out falling into bottom-line be- my addictive hit without ever be- haviors, provided I maintain my ing known. Zero intimacy. If that spiritual condition. I just keep is not anorexic, then I don’t know coming back to S.L.A.A. and fol- what is. low the few simple suggestions Married women were safe that always work when we truly because I could cut it off at any follow them. time by declaring that adultery is — Vladimir, Russia wrong. Of course I had no such (Issue #116) 13

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal Isolated from God, Myself and Others When I walked into anony- what I wanted God to be no mat- mous programs fourteen years ter how outrageous my demands. ago, I was isolated from God, my- I wanted my own personal Santa self and others. Claus who gave me everything I I was isolated from God be- wanted and loved me uncondi- cause I spent most of my life ei- tionally. ther believing he didn’t exist or My sponsor told me my High- thinking he must hate me if he er Power would love me uncondi- did exist. I suffered a lot of ver- tionally but that I would eventu- bal, physical and sexual abuse as ally get a more realistic God than a teenager from a nine year rela- Santa Claus. tionship with a psychopath boy- When I had a lightening bolt friend who ended up murdering spiritual experience two years my best friend. I thought if God later I saw what she meant. I was did exist he abandoned me a long insane, on my hands and knees time ago. crying and screaming and hyper- Through the tools of S.L.A.A. ventilating about a relationship (steps, meetings, praying to a God with a married man. I called a I didn’t understand, and medita- fellow S.L.A.A. member and she tion even when restless) I started said “Prayers are powerful. What to see that God did exist and he do you want me to pray for?” I hadn’t abandoned me — I had said, “Pray for my obsession with abandoned him in favor of my (my qualifer) to be lifted.” boyfriend. I made my boyfriend She said the prayer with me my higher power for nine years over the phone. I felt a calm and because I was addicted to him. sanity come over me. That was S.L.A.A. helped me break my my S.L.A.A. sobriety date. I was a isolation from God. My sponsor completely different person from had me write out what I thought that day until now, nine years later. God was. At that time he was an I was isolated from myself be- evil man who sat up in the sky cause I didn’t even know myself. on his throne and played tricks I was so busy trying to be the on me. He was judging me and perfect daughter, girlfriend and I was always coming up short. worker that I didn’t know what I My sponsor had me tear up the liked. sheet of paper that contained that I ft my personality to the sit- writing, symbolically throwing uation. If I was going to a party, that God out. Then I had to write I dressed up in tight clothing and 14

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition played the party girl even if I was or anyone else. I ran around tell- uncomfortable or cold or tired. ing so many lies so that I wouldn’t I didn’t even have a hobby hurt people’s feelings or get hurt because I was too busy running myself that I no longer knew what around trying to make my boy- the truth was anymore. Being friends lives easier. honest in meetings and with my When I joined S.L.A.A. I had sponsor cleared out all the junk in to start being honest about who my head so I could actually work I was and what I thought. A lot on myself. of this was revealed in my fourth Breaking out of my isolation and ffth steps. from myself helped me with my My sponsor gave me direc- isolation from others. tion to take myself out on dates. Once I was able to trust my- I had to start thinking about what self and my sobriety it was easier “When I think back to my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.” I liked to do. In the past I always to trust others. When it came went along with what my boy- to signifcant others, it took a friend wanted to do, even if I was lot of outside help to tackle that bored to tears. I took myself out behemoth. Like Ally McBeal to movies and restaurants and art said, “When I think back to my galleries. loneliest moments, there was My sponsor also forced me to usually somebody sitting there become self-supporting through next to me.” Being seen but not my own contributions. I couldn’t heard is very lonely. rely on my parents for money None of the guys I was with anymore which was a huge step before my recovery in S.L.A.A. for me. My self-esteem grew by ever heard me. I was never hon- leaps and bounds when I could est with them or myself so they honestly say I supported my- couldn’t hear the real me anyway. self. And I didn’t have to rely S.L.A.A. helped me fnd the real on anyone else to come and me. And God and S.L.A.A. helped rescue me. Rescuing usually me fnd the man who became my brings control along with it. husband and partner. Another big part of isolation My sponsor gave me a dat- from myself had to do with hon- ing plan that helped me show my esty. I wasn’t honest with myself partner the real me and gave us 15

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal enough time to really get to know relied on God, meetings, my fam- each other. I wasn’t able to iso- ily and the fellowship of S.L.A.A. late myself because I had to be in to get me through that tough time constant contact with my Higher that used to break me (before so- Power, sponsor and meetings. briety in S.L.A.A. I always gained The diffculty with being honest 40 pounds and became suicidal and showing another human be- after a breakup and acted out with ing who you really are is that they anyone who would have me). can see who you are and say “You And two months later —after know I really don’t like that so I’m he did some soul searching — he going to go now.” came back to me. I needed that My character defects of jeal- time away to realize that relation- ousy and drama queen and imma- ships are more about trusting turity were pretty hard to handle. God and myself than about trust- After six months of dating, my ing others. then-boyfriend decided he didn’t It’s about communication and want to deal with it anymore. So living in reality. Once I stopped he broke up with me. This was choosing dangerous men, my confusing to me because even partners turned out to be trust- though I did the dating plan and worthy human beings. I found a followed my sponsor’s direction really good guy in sobriety who is and felt I did everything right the willing to do the work with me. S.L.A.A. way, he was still a human That was part of the reason he being with his own thoughts and came back. He realized he had feelings who could choose to walk a partner who was also willing to away, which he did. do the work. My anorexic addict voice said, He joined S.L.A.A. a year af- “see you shouldn’t trust people ter we started dating, and now he because even if you do everything sponsors more people than I do. right they’ll abandon you in the I always say that God found the end anyway.” perfect partner for me. He’s not I told him that if he wanted to perfect, but he’s perfect for me. get back together to give me a call I wouldn’t trade what I’ve got otherwise to please not contact today for anything and that’s a me. I knew my addict would start good place to be. I am grateful to trying to manipulate him to come S.L.A.A. and God for my life. back to me. I was amazed that I — Lisa C. didn’t even feel like acting out or (Issue #128) retaliating or replacing the loss. I 16

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition Where I Belong Secret thoughts and behav- iors defne my disease. I was in the military and, in addition to near constant sex with prostitutes in far-east Asia, I always had a stash of hard core porn. Sometimes I was on a ship for long periods of time and the porn and masturbation was a rit- ualistic part of almost everyone’s day – but it had always been for me, whether on or off shore. After the military I hit a bru- tal bottom with cocaine and alco- hol and cleaned up in rehab and a 12 step program in my mid-20s. spent “researching” for school. Then, during college in the mid Late nights turned into early 90’s something happened – the mornings masturbating compul- internet. I soon found the free sively. The fetishes went from hardcore and fetish sites com- weird to insane – I followed links pletely irresistible. It was as ad- that descended into a hell of de- dictive as, and more damaging pravity, always seeking to fnd a in many ways, than my other ad- bigger “hit.” diction to cocaine would ever be. Six years of meetings and ser- When I moved in with my f- vice and sponsorship in another ancé in the late 90s we bought a 12 step fellowship was no match computer for my graduate school for my sexual addiction. The studies. I never had a chance. We shame and remorse, the lies and looked at internet porn together a secrets – I could not sleep and few times for laughs. But I secret- started abusing sleeping medica- ly said to myself “if she only knew tions. Narcotic sleep meds from a the half of it.” doctor, frst to sleep, then to “get I was constantly, constantly high”, taking them on my way to clearing the search history, site school because I liked the way it history, image caches, key words helped me dissociate from the and internet viruses – the evi- emotional hangover of the previ- dence of my secret life. And it ous night’s activities. Soon it was was a secret life: hours and hours painkillers and tranquilizers, too. 17

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal In short, my internet porn ad- pretty sick. I had a meltdown. diction led me back to my drug Rehab for drugs and alcohol addiction. I didn’t talk about the was successful again, but I refused new drug habit in my meetings to take the sex and porn addiction though – I still “claimed my seat” seriously. I left my wife rather and now had more lies than I than tell her the truth. I started knew what to do with. This went having compulsive sex with any on for three years. Then marriage available or unavailable woman I came along and I promised my- could fnd, civilian or “pro”. In- self the insanity would recede in ternet sex was almost nonstop, the lights of my successful career sometimes using a cell phone and and relationship. Instead, a bot- masturbating in the car. I ruined tom I never could have imagined relationships with my friends was only two years away. because of my paranoia, think- By now the prescription drugs ing my sex partners were sleep- were almost daily, the internet ing with them. I took hostages. porn was daily, and it led me to I became socially anorexic in an “They say you’re as sick as your secrets. Well I was pretty sick.” throw away two $2,000 laptops almost absolute sense. I was at because I couldn’t stop the pop- the jumping off point. I went to ups and couldn’t have explained treatment for sex addiction. to my wife what was wrong. My I entered a sexual recovery sex life was nonexistent, now program, but slept with one of massage parlors and clandestine the women there. Then I went sex were back in the picture, too. home to my community, now My identity was completely con- divorced and humiliated having sumed by my addiction. My work learned the language of sex ad- suffered tremendously. Guilt ate diction but having done nothing at me hourly. Vodka seemed like with it. I wish I could have found something I could get away with the courage to face the music, in- though it had been 12 years since stead I left town. I landed in a my early trips to rehab following new community, no job, picked the military. After that, I began up the cocaine and prostitution using cocaine again. I was still not and internet porn like I had never talking about any of these secrets left. Unbelievably risky illegal be- with anyone. They say you’re as havior was a part of my daily ex- sick as your secrets. Well, I was istence, so much for a geographic 18

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition cure. I was now nearly destitute, from my home where I can play divorced, unemployed and unem- a role in the recovery of other ployable. Welcome to my bottom, addicts and share experience, now for the good news. strength and hope. I feel useful, I have found recovery. and my past is actually not just a S.L.A.A. has given me relief from source of pain. In leaving it be- a life of insanity. I am clean from hind my past now is useful to oth- all substances, but I devote my- ers, another story of heartbreak self to 12 step recovery from sex/ averted, death postponed for an- porn addiction as my primary ad- other day. My path from here is diction. My sex/porn addiction is clear – I will clear up the wreck- THE main path to crazy town and age of my past with the 8th and I pray to God that I never forget 9th steps. I will share my story of that fact. I will use drugs and die spiritual recovery with others and if I don’t deal with my sex/ porn support meetings in my commu- addiction. I will go to prison nity wherever that may be. if I don’t deal with it. My luck One of my favorite concepts will run out and I’ll suffer health in recovery is “social anorexia.” consequences that I’ve somehow It fts me so well – at times in the avoided. past I withdrew from virtually What do I love the most about all relationships in the service of S.L.A.A. recovery? I love the cer- my disease. But I no longer ac- tainty that I am not alone, that cept as normal the shame, para- my story is not unique. Nothing noia, guilt and manipulation that compares to sitting at a meeting, the withdrawal represented. I defning my bottom line behav- talk to my family now and I have iors in practical terms and dis- friends again. I am in the process cussing my freedom from them. I of repairing relationships that talk to my fellow men in my net- are important to me. Within the work about temptations that I’ve safety of the S.L.A.A. fellowship survived, sometimes just barely, I can now shine a spotlight on with compassion and humor. the darkest parts of my past, my It seems hard to believe as I deepest fears. I have found my write this that I’m free of the in- tribe at last. Some members of sanity. I know it is my relation- my S.L.A.A. network have other ship with God and with other re- addictions in common with me. I covering addicts that has saved have never felt so at home. I have me. Help is only a phone call never felt such hope. away. There are meetings six — Jay, Connecticut nights a week only 20 minutes (Issue #123) 19

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal different ways of acting to get what I wanted. It took spending years in the program to develop an inside. That is what I relate to now, not to external validation. That became terminology I heard, I didn’t know that was how I was operating. It took a long time to have self-value, self-love, integrity and virtue, The Joy of Relationship things I did not know how to put I am now in my frst sober, into place. I had to start with healthy relationship. Before this, bottom lines, doing the steps in I had not been in a relationship S.L.A.A. and doing the work. in over 10 years. Looking back, The value of going to meetings, I felt like I was going to be alone sitting in rooms and hearing forever, never connecting with people’s stories helped me to see another human being. people as people. I was forced to I did not really know I was a listen to their experiences. This sex and love addict and there are was new to me, because until ways to heal this. recently, I objectifed everyone. When I frst came into the I saw people as just cardboard program, when I was not sexually cutouts who were getting in my active my life was black and white. way. I decided who I would bother When I was sexually active, talking to or not, or who might be however, it was in color, it was a friend, or who was interesting. rich, and everything mattered. I made these judgments before It was exactly like the Big Book anybody opened their mouth. says, I was like a dazed animal So sitting in the rooms, I found waiting to be prodded into life. Sex myself relating to so many peo- was a euphoric. It did not matter ple’s stories that I never thought the length of physical contact, I would. I started to soften and whether it was in a relationship have compassion, especially with or just a one-time experience—it men. I had so much rage and just was somebody else validating anger and fear toward men that me rather than myself. I didn’t think men had feelings. I had no sense of who I was. Listening to them in meetings You hear people say, “Just be revealed beliefs and experiences yourself” on a date, and I always very similar to what I was expe- thought “Which one?” I had only riencing – like trying to connect, 20

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition and have love in their lives. phone and make calls when I did The support in the fellowship not want to, to stay busy, or to is so valuable. The group, I think, force myself to date. is developing where love is, where Before recovery, I could God is and people are sharing barely walk down the streets their experiences. when couples walked by holding Anorexia is always lurking! hands. I just felt so envious and There was an anorexia meeting alone and separate. that I went to early on in the Holding hands, getting mar- beginning of my recovery. I ried. I considered that normal, walked into the meeting and the what normal people do. I never S.L.A.A. Anorexia pamphlet was knew how to be normal. being read and I related to so Now I’m in love. How did this many of the characteristics, it was happen? I think by doing a lot of really painful to hear. things opposite to my addiction My frst thought was, “I’m not and anorexia and learning that my catching this. This is contagious; thinking was faulty. I constantly I’m out of here. have to really challenge my faulty Probably the reason why I was thinking and say, “Well, that’s not so turned off by sexual anorexia really true.” was that I really related to it, I like who I am, and I like who being alone, keeping people away. my partner is able to see today. In addition I was an extrovert, so Before, I could not say these I really related to social anorexia, things. I would say that maybe particularly the part about being I tricked somebody into liking around a lot of people, having a me, falling in love with me, or my lot of fun, but just feeling alone sexuality was a commodity. That and isolated. is not the case now. All this tied into my depression Now it is based on friendship. with a feeling very similar to the I had always heard that you can withdrawal depression of “Oh no, have a relationship with friend- I’m never getting up and dating, ship, where your partner is your I’m not going to connect with best friend. That concept terrifed another human being ever again, me because I thought that meant and I never like anybody.” that I would not be attracted to I know that the top-line the person as a friend. I have meetings really helped me to get learned that it is not the case. I out of my anorexia, to do things feel blessed. differently, to take action. I — Jill W. worked really hard to get on the (Issue #126) 21

Recovery Outreach Edition the Journal Question of the Day “What’s your personal experience and recovery around fantasy?” I used to lay in bed at night as I fell asleep thinking and dreaming of how I was going to “get” or seduce someone. Four hours later, I was still awake repeating over and over variations of the same theme. When I awoke the next morning I was exhausted. Today I know this is the “hangover” of a fantasy addict. — Anonymous One of my aspects about fantasy Before S.L.A.A., my eyes regards who my partner is. My would roam, objectifying wom- fantasy is he will always be there en and fantasizing scenarios. for me. He will show up when I Now I look at women and men need him. He will rescue me and in a spiritual sense as human protect me. But my partner is hu- beings. man. In recovery I realized I often — Kurt, Connecticut didn’t ask my partner for what I needed because if he couldn’t do it, it would destroy my fantasy. My As a sex and love addict, I am sponsor reminds me to speak up, no stranger to fantasy – whether gather information and recognize sexual, romantic, or simply imag- my partner for who he really is, ining awful outcomes to scenarios not who I fantasize he is. that may never occur. The way — Kim B., Boston MA that I have dealt with fantasy is by working the steps. When I’m going through a sexual or romantic fan- I have always been an artist, tasy, I accept, frst and foremost, and fantasy has been my stock that I am a sex and love addict in trade. When I came into and these things will happen to the program, I obsessed con- me, but they do pass – especially stantly about romantic fantasy. when I share them with friends Today, I rarely obsess, but my (like other sex and love addicts) imagination is intact and no who understand. longer disturbed by constant — Owen, New York NY distraction. — Karen, Delray Beach FL 22

the Journal Recovery Outreach Edition Me and Mrs. Jones (woo woo) Married men are catnip to fulflling prophecy for women your basic love junkie. with zero self esteem. You don’t For one, it’s all so tragic and genuinely believe you deserve dramatic. If only he had met someone in your life. Guess you frst! You two were fated to what? You don’t have to worry be together, had not cruel fate about that any more. Plus, if you intervened. Yes, I know that’s can snag some other woman’s contradictory on its face. Don’t man, even for a little while, you argue with someone in love. It’s must be better than her, right? dangerous. Married men are like Your desirability has been con- unappreciated artists, or suicide frmed for one more night. You survivors, or vampires, and rela- can breathe again. tionships with them are similarly Then there’s the whole For- doomed, beautifully, romantical- bidden Love aspect of it. It’s ly doomed. taboo and rebellious and edgy. Admit it, that’s just plain sexy. This, of course, is the point. Because deep down, what a love In a world where age, race, reli- junkie is terrifed of is actual inti- gion, social class, geography and macy. The illusion of relationship gender are no longer barriers to beats the hell out of “What do you relationship, it is hard to fnd a want for dinner tonight, honey?” good obstacle to bang your head against. Some of us like banging Next great thing about mar- our head against things. Helps ried men: They are incredibly af- drown out the voices inside. fectionate and forthcoming about their feelings. They can ADORE It was harder and took me you unreservedly, because they longer to get off married men have no fear of commitment to that to get off cocaine. What I get in the way. There’s a simple didn’t know at the time was that, reason for this: They are already neurochemically speaking, they committed, to someone else! were pretty much the same thing. Married men are cheaper, easier Third – and we’re getting to come by, and generally legal. down to stuff you should be That does not, it turned out, make talking to your therapist about them a better idea. now – married or otherwise unattainable men are a self- — Ethlie, Beverly Hills, (Issue #124) 23