Expat Living-converted

Expat Living in Croatia: Culture Shock and Reverse Culture Shock in a foreign country and the Expat's country Copyright © 2019 by Devika Primic All Rights Reserved No part/s of this book may be reproduced, distributed, or utilized in any form without written permission from the Author of this book. Contact [email protected] for any queries. 1

1991, I was 21 and naive of my young life. Out of college and seeking friendships wasn’t a simple task. I embraced my new life and knew someone would take me into their arms and love me unconditionally. As I passed through the weeks in my single lifestyle, I managed to make friends and get out for fun times. Having embraced the life of a shy girl, I was hoping for a date. I was enjoying my freedom but needed someone special in my life. Someday I will have fun as everyone mentioned. I needed fun in my life and didn't know how to get that. The guy in the butcher shop looked at me bravely and smiled. That Saturday morning, I arrived at the store early feeling confident. The quick conversation about a temporary job was discussed and immediately I felt my heartbeat faster with happiness. My first day at work was exciting! Working as a cashier didn’t bother me, I had to work to gain an independent lifestyle. Studying at a local college was the first step to preparing for better opportunities. I had to start small to walk tall. It was fate to have met the gentleman on my first day at the butcher shop. I saw another guy and asked for help about the cashier job and mentioned my previous visit. The gentleman was helpful and pleasant. Love at first sight, it was for this man but not for me I couldn’t help but try to ignore his presence as he passed by me daily. Maybe the moment came with his sense of humor and had made me laugh daily and that is what held us together. 2

It happened at the mysterious spot behind a gate. He opened the gate and walked me through the entrance at that moment he kissed me so sweetly. I didn’t take that kiss to heart, but the moment stuck with me ever since. My world changed fast and everything else followed. Weeks passed by and I tried to avoid him still he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was afraid of how my parents would react to me courting a much older man. Days and nights followed with plans and began courting freely after he let the word out to my dad. My short love story happened with a gentleman who finally re-opened his heart to love again. I made him see life in a different way. His heart was broken, and I mended his big heart with my love. Our dating experiences were unique. I saw how he changed with me in our precious and loving times spent together. The thought of my love story filled my mind with our happiness and love we have for each other. He moved into our home and we married in 1993. I haven’t experienced something like this before I met my ‘’man. ‘’ The gentleman was my boss. His touch on my hand made me feel Goosebumps. A natural and calm feeling came from his touch. We dated for a year and a half before he popped the question. ‘’Will you marry me, dear?’’ My growing love for him is a lasting love. His past issues didn’t affect our present moments together. There was gossip about us as an interracial couple it did bother others. 3

Our glances at each other while at work stirred up issues. No stitches in my stomach and no doubts. He decided to marry me in an Indian ceremony which surprised me. I had no idea he liked to try something as different as that. Love for me grew for us and for him it was love at first sight. Our love is rare and just beautiful! A match made in heaven, we have trust, love and honesty. Weeks turned to months and that was the length of time it took for me to see our picture as a couple. He was attracted to me. Without knowing it he went to my dad’s working workplace and asked for my hand in marriage. I felt insecure about that decision. He admired me and fell in love with me from day one. One lovely day we went out on a secret date. I didn’t want anyone to know about us knowing how our relationship will affect my family. Our day was perfect! We spent all day together, laughed, talked and had lunch and just enjoyed our special moments. He was a lonely man and falling in love with made him a MAN again to feel again and to be himself. 4

Before I truly made up my mind, I felt his closeness and knew with him I will be safe and have found love too. Everything changed in my life after meeting a man with a less complicated life. I didn’t know love until I met the man I married. My friends drifted and some of my family stopped talking to me. They didn’t like the idea of me being with someone from another race and culture, and off-course our age difference made them unhappy. Some laughed and gossiped while others were happy for me. The great wonder of life came to me when I fell in love with this man. We walked the rough paths together and stayed together during the tough experiences. Romantic persuasions I love flowers and he sent me flowers on special occasions that made me feel happy. I grew radiant and bright. Feeling the love together at night showed me my new person. After a long day spent at the Japanese gardens, I lay awake that night and wondered what will be of us. 5

I spoke to him and felt something different. I was distant for a while during the first few weeks. He was my boss and didn’t want that to corrupt our relationship. A guy had love in his past and trusted before but all that was gone. We started hanging out together and he wouldn’t leave my home. But we decided to meet after working hours at the spot and he picked me up from the workplace. Our relationship grew into months and before I knew it there was that next step. His hugs made him feel secure and safe. I felt a special kind of closeness with an experienced soul. Everything from then on felt like a fairytale. When it was just the two of us, time stood still. I glowed when I saw him and felt happy too. It was most romantic for both of us when sitting on a bench and talking about our lives together. My smile drew him toward me, and he loved my smile. He clasped my hand and walked briskly while others watched us hand in hand. It felt tense and we locked eyes and then his lips on mine. A moment I will never forget a beautiful and warm moment. 6

Our eyes allowed for us to have a standstill moment. The moment didn’t last we had to say our goodbyes. Our love story will last a lifetime. Each day passed with a longing of seeing each other. I know for a fact one can never tell when love will come into our lives. You will never know how you will experience love. A love story such as this one doesn’t happen to everyone. Love is around the corner. I didn’t know I would find love and when it happened well, I am telling you my short love story. There is beauty in everything and to understand the meaning of love it is so rare as it has been for me. The look in his eyes tells me how much he loves me and is in love with me. The struggle doesn’t matter going up and down the step ladder is part of our love for each other. His dark hair and slender build shows a fine behavior and respect towards people I know and love. He is much older than I, but we married as he had requested. We are happy and in love. A soft touch of love came over me and stole my heart. We are one and the same irrespective of our color and culture. 7

Our lives are intertwined. He pondered over his at the age of forty he felt empty and I came along to open a new page now filled with our experiences. We rescued each other from our different worlds. Our lives together changed us in ways I didn’t expect and in a good way. Adventures and pleasures and successes are satisfying in our lives. He didn’t know love in his previous life. Nothing of the delicious anguish came to him. Happiness came to his lonely heart after taking me into his arms. The first kiss, first time when our lips touched, we became part of each other’s life. His previous life had been spoiled by an unhappy marriage. He was somewhat more rational each morning than the previous one. The details of his life came gradually into my life. Secrets were secreting no more. We shared our conversations and got to know each other better each day. It was painful to talk about at first, but time showed some healing from his side. 8

Charming manners shows off his great personality. He recalled his past life and explained in a soft voice. The happy days are filled with sunny mornings and chirping birds. It is delightful to have such a man in my life. Someone who cares loves me so much. He doesn’t need to pamper and please me constantly. A little bit of something makes me happy and he is happy too. Tears of joy showed in his green eyes to let me know how happy he is. His heart became mine soon after marriage and I felt that too. My life was different from a college student and in search of work that was about it. There were no past boyfriends to chat about or relationships. The life I had was straightforward. Having had strict parents, it left me with a daily routine to school and back home and college and back home. A one time trip with friends didn’t get me out of my shell. I was shy and too young to mingle. Marrying a much older man opened my mind to many adventures. Experienced and he is aware of the many obstacles from the one I love allowed for a greater gap for me. 9

In 2002 we made a change that affected our lives in every way. We decided to immigrate to Croatia. George wanted us to have a different and safe life. Raising a family requires a safe environment. He was born in the most southern part of Croatia. This tested our love for each other in many aspects of our marriage. A peaceful and breathtaking region and green scenarios holds the eye to spectacular views. There are many trees down a valley. The green, tall, and straight Cypress trees are unique and indigenous to this region. The fig trees and olive trees bear fruit at different periods in the year. We grew into a new lifestyle and culture. Three cultures and from one continent to another has improved my knowledge and experiences of both intriguing places. Straight from the old village church down by the road is where our home is situated. A close net community and neighbors are friendly and know everyone On both sides of the road there are red roofs and is the style of village homes. Love took me far from my birthplace and that is something about love that you won’t put your finger on due to the surprises you have to overcome. The life before was great, family influenced and had something different in comparison to the one we have at present. 10

He spent a long time in dressing and pulling on his high boots, then finished smoking his cigarette in silence and went out in the garden. A life he had to readjust to after many years after the war. The war destroyed Croatia in 1991 and to come back to what was once his home made him feel isolated from the rest of the crowd. Most people he knew from his past weren’t impressed to see George make a comeback to his village. George left his country during the old YUGOSLAVIAN period and expected people to be the same when he arrived back home. Unfortunately, for George that is not how it was. The welcome felt good. People were happy to see George but not pleased. To the local people it was selfish of George to have left then and to come back after the war to have not experienced what they had. The struggle began in my adoptive country, Croatia to move and start a new life. The new language, the people, culture and religion were barriers to my life. Over the years I grasped the Croatian language with ease. My accomplishments are enormous and interesting. 11

Daily experiences The morning freshness each day has the scent of poplars, lilacs, tulips, roses and the rustling of dry oak leaves peeps in. The silver and brassware often need shining. I miss doing that as I don’t have it anymore. My imagination runs deep when sitting on the small wooden chair next to the window. The interesting views and thoughts go through my mind when alone. Towards the summer evening the horizon shares a color of joy. The pigeons live in the walls of the old castle. The fresh grass around our home has a smell of green freshness. The cold water from the mountain is drinkable and pure. He went down to the river to look at the old rusty rail of the little bridge that showed white before him.... He went on to the bridge, stood a little, and, quite unnecessarily, touched the bed sheets. They felt rough and cold. He looked down at the water.... The river ran rapidly and with a faintly audible gurgle round the piles of the old rail track. The red moon was reflected near the left bank; little ripples ran over the reflection, stretching it out, breaking it into bits, and seemed trying to carry it away. 12

Everything looked different. The surrounding area seemed bushy and neglected. He remembered his summer events as a child and thought about the extraordinary poverty-stricken and less colorful life he had as a child. When he went back to his home, he did not find anyone there. The gray old stone building stood there unnoticed. It had become a storage space for hay and other animal feed. For an instant there was a flash of joy when he saw a family member, but it wasn’t the same between them. The poor communication left him dumbfounded. He needed someone to share a walk and a talk about family members and of ownership of his inheritance. I stood by and didn’t do much talking to people. His family was surprised to see me as his wife. The Mediterranean region has much cooler weather in the winter and hotter in the summer. A romantic lifestyle changed to a traditional marriage as is in a Catholic marriage. He declared his love for me that night but seemed far in thought. The behavior changed immediately! 13

He fell right into his cultural behavior at the beginning of our stay at the family home. Was that how I was going to live the rest of my life? I knew I couldn’t live that way, so chose to live my way. Our age gap is just a number. We do a lot together and have our time apart as well. Our lives are comfortable and loving together. The love we have holds us stronger each day. One fine evening I realized the darkness in our room and looked around the room in despair. I wandered around the room and saw it then he was coming toward me in his shiny red boxers. George looked directly at me and silently starred. In seconds we were in a kissing motion. In each other’s arms and arms wrapped around one another felt the best. His kiss says everything about love. 14

The evening was going smooth for both of us. We talked about our lives in a different country and about our lives in the past. He realized that I was a passionate thinker. It was after ages that he felt he was in deep talking with a young woman as I. Everyone loved having us around. They love your company and I have never seen anyone backbite. We had our silent moments and frustrated moments, but we never gave up our love for each other. We both went in our paths we chose for us. It’s not just happiness, love, trust and faithfulness it is something true and beautiful. The place was once a happy place for family and George wanted that again but with me to be part of his family. We looked into each other’s eyes and knew something had to be done. Bring the family together again and try to unite once more. Our promised love for each other made lots happen. It was hard for George to keep from screaming at the unfairness of it all. He wasn’t always a worker from one job to another in the hope of a better wage. Deep down he knew he could make it with his new life in his birthplace. 15

INTRODUCTION You must have heard of culture shock, or experienced culture shock when you moved from your familiar environment, to a somewhat strange place. When you move away from your hometown to another country, the surroundings are different and to a degree you are a stranger. You did not label it that way but experienced it. I am sure you remember your change made on campus. You expect to meet new people and to have fun. The frustrating moments in trying to fit in a group can lead you to discomfort. The excitement of meeting new friends, the change of environment, and organizing of events allows you to settle in with other groups. What happens when you move to another country you never visited? What are the Phases of culture shock? Culture shock can be severe when you underestimate the impact of the place abroad. It can last longer than you expected. You expect too much in a new environment. The individual who is prepared for the experience will be open-minded and resilient. Culture shock is taken at ease and often noticed. You embrace the idea with optimism. The journey moves on with your open mind. In your mind you hold on to that experience the one you are prepared to let into your life. Are you familiar with culture shock? The simple reaction to your daily activities can be stressful too. For example: Your reaction to the daily cues. The normal routine you live in and to another that is completely different. 16

Everything that happens in your daily routine lasts for seconds. The trip to the store, library, the way you start your day, and the usual encounters that await your arrival. The activities you experience back home is cultural knowledge. Be more observant in foreign countries. Recognize normal behavior. Interpret cultural signals. Navigate the new rules. React in a proper manner to that new culture. The poor knowledge of the new culture can take a toll on your psyche. Acceptance in a new culture, the different methods and the willingness to fit in another culture require your full attention. The task becomes harder when the differences are more subtle. The rules are different and to accept a new rule is difficult for many individuals. Foreign languages are a barrier as a result you are caught up to learn the language. The Stages of Cultural Adjustment: Excitement in a foreign country will make you feel happy. You see the new routine and enjoy the different and promising sights. You don't acknowledge the permanent moment yet. Soon you realize your stay is permanent. I realized my permanent stay from the moment I planned to move to Croatia and did not know more than that. Irritation/hostility: 17

A phase where you begin to focus on the differences in the foreign country. You think the foreign people are weird. For example: The local people don't prefer mayonnaise on mashed potatoes. Salt and vinegar fried potato chips are not their snack. Changes are blown out of proportion. Gradual Adjustment: A point in your life where the crisis is averted is when you start to be yourself again. The moment you become adjusted with the new culture you have a better idea. Your social life is alive, and you are less isolated. Your laughter has come back to you and you realize life is not so complicated in a foreign country. 18

Adaptation/multiculturalism: You adapt to a new culture and make your home. The last phase is promising to you. You realize you will miss the culture and people when you go back home. A different culture and your culture are both worthwhile to you. To survive both cultures and differences is challenging. The adjustment takes time. Culture shock affected me, and I dealt with the experience in the most positive of ways. Our move to Croatia opened my mind to many other avenues. The symptoms were not severe. I experienced reverse culture shock. I went back home to visit my family three times and each time I felt the change there too. A challenging experience! What is the most common symptom of culture shock? The most common symptoms in culture shock too much alone time. There are minor and severe symptoms of culture shock. 19

I had minor symptoms. Depression, irritability, tiredness are symptoms of severe culture shock. The new environment can get you muddled up if you don't speak the language. Communication is important. I did not know the language. It was most difficult not being able to communicate with others. If you are sleeping in a fetal position and tired to pick up a glass of water; these are signs of depression. Depressed moods need immediate attention. Can you get past that hurdle? I cried daily to continue each day. The sad moments appear and disappear, and I didn’t know why it happened. Homesickness and that is understandable. I gave myself space and time to meet new people. I surrounded myself with supportive and positive people. I kept occupied daily to avoid boredom. My approach toward the new experience allowed for a positive meaning to a new culture. The way I approached each day allowed for happier moments. The severe symptoms can vary for each person. Overeating issues can affect a few individuals. Excessive drinking becomes a problem. The obsessive cleaning of the house to keep your days occupied. Hostility toward host nationals requires your attention. 20

How to cope with culture Shock? You must bear in mind that culture shock doesn't derive from an event or events. Culture shock is experienced when you meet a unique part of the world. Your approach to your daily activities in a different way does have a lot to do with your thinking power. To focus on improving your knowledge on the host country. This you do before going there. My lack of knowledge of the Croatian culture held me back from learning the language. I struggled with a new lifestyle. I knew if I spent time with other foreigners for long periods, I could disparage the Croatian culture. Adjustment to a new culture needed me to focus on the host country events. To share my experiences from back home through my culture with the new friends in a foreign country did allow for better discussions. Be positive throughout your stay in your new country. I tried and struggled through many battles before I allowed time to myself to write of my experience in Croatia. Faith allowed me to survive and to cope with my experiences. 21

What are the personality characteristics that helped me focus on my new life in Croatia? Tolerate. Focus on goals. Be open-minded. Be non-judgmental. Show empathy. Communicate. Show flexibility. Adapt. Invite curiosity. Have a sense of humor. Be motivational. Be self-reliant. Fail before you succeed. Allow for good friendships. Positive thoughts show good results. Be part of a group. Take part in cultural activities. Culture shock is an experience that allows you to find yourself. You need to talk of your experiences to good friends. 22

Remember, talk to someone trustworthy. Share your feelings with someone you know who won't gossip. You shouldn't neglect to speak of how you are in a foreign country. Everything is changed and you need to speak up to let your true feelings be heard. I adjusted in Croatia with a positive mind and happy emotions. Happiness is from within and I showed my true happiness to many people. I did not learn the basic knowledge of Croatia. Nothing much interested me about the place. When I arrived in Croatia moments from my past disappeared right in front of me. The expectations I had, had gone awry. The adjustment to another culture has its ups and downs. Physically and psychologically I was fine. The excitement to start over in a foreign country, in this case Croatia it did make sense when I heard of the safety. In 2002 when I arrived in the most southern part of Croatia the atmosphere felt great. I was able to handle the little experiences. The new sights and surroundings, meeting the different people, and the tourist involvement in the Croatian culture made me happy. I became more interested in the culture in each cultural celebration. The interest in learning motivated me and opened my mind to a new region of experience. The culture shock made me see how valuable cultural beliefs are in a foreign in comparison to modern-day living styles. I got frustrated when everything got too much for me. I had my days and pulled up very fast from those days. The first Christmas and New Year celebrations were my saddest moments in Croatia. But I still managed to enjoy that time with my husband and child. 23

I have a good sense of humor in a new culture. To understand one's mind is difficult. The different life shows me that. I appreciate the Croatian culture and am at home in those parts of my heart. In the negative side of life, I controlled the following: Cultural Stress: I discovered the differences in me after a short period. Exhaustion. Fatigue. The changes to your eating habits. Small health problems can arise. I craved my home products. Communication with foreigners did come to mind. I somewhat criticized the way local people lived their lives. There were those moments when rejection, isolation, and loneliness affected my lifestyle. The above-mentioned three main factors did cause me frustration. I didn't view myself as a child but felt helpless. Off-course I had anger too. I controlled my emotions. Keep in touch with people. When abroad to stay in touch with family and friends is not always possible. Too much alone time can cause you depression. Modern technology has made communication abroad with missed family possible. Online communication is a useful way. 24

To understand your phases of the culture adjustment is a good start for you. Think of your daily events and of your daily reactions. Show what is causing you a stressful life. Find new ways to be confident. You need good social support. Don’t forget to eat a well-balanced diet. Don’t neglect your good eating habits to enjoy each day. Stay away from alcohol, drugs, smoking, binge eating. The start-ups that affect you right away are weight control and sadness. You can only do that to yourself. Children are faced with new experiences and are exposed to new cultures with excitement. Parents don't adjust as children do in a foreign country. It is an overwhelming experience for children, because for a parent's culture shock can be intimidating, and sometimes traumatic. Most parents struggle to make new friends. The new jobs to adapt to can affect parents more than children are affected with culture shock. I worked as a chambermaid at a five-star hotel, an opportunity to learn more of the language. To understand the moods of people, to see different characters are hurdles to climb. Thoughts clouded my mind when I lived in a home of a family. The language was a barrier. It is expected of any foreigner to speak the native tongue of that foreign country. To respect the wishes of others is of great importance. My child enjoyed the phases of culture shock. He grew up in a different culture from the age of nine. 25

He missed family and friend’s and gradually grew into a culture of interest. How did I overcome the challenge? I encouraged my child to grow confident and into a positive individual. A new environment required social skills from my child. I conversed with my son daily and observed his behavior. The encounters were difficult for us. He faced bullying at school. There were friends but a few. I spent time with my child to ensure a smooth lifestyle. To show love for a child and to reassure the child you are there as that parent. A child acquires safety. Create a good feeling each day. Be supportive and solve issues together. New plans and new goals should be a focus in daily appearances. Be in a comfortable zone. Educate yourself of the foreign place you moved to and be realistic. Daily walks and sharing conversations with my child allowed for better experiences. I chose to live in the present. The past stays there. Time spent on gardening, writing, walking, experiments with foods in a new culture, watching movies, reading, communication, designing the home, exploring new sights are amazing ideas. Patience, perseverance, and persistence are my three pointers to survive new goals on my own views. To go and live abroad is not easy as it sounds. 26

Pack up a bag, get your documents and tickets and away you go is not how it works out. During the first few days of my stay at Konavle, the most southern part of Croatia. I learned of one of the most relaxing moments in the Croatian culture and found it to be a lazy habit. Most Croatian people are, without a doubt, coffee lovers. There are coffee shops everywhere! We sat at a coffee bar just on a curious thought. In the few hours I observed other people enter sat for a coffee and on their cell phones at once. They lit up a cigarette and started chatting to friends. Nobody asked us to leave. Coffee is strong as in Turkish coffee. It is a cultural treat and a historical adventure. The cultural experiences come in random forms. Croatians always have time for a coffee. Their downtime and personal relationships are valued and hold that in their heart. To share conversations with friends, neighbors and family is highly valued in Croatian culture. It is not polite to deny an invitation to a Croatian home; they are a family-oriented nation. The retired and sick people are taken care of at home and not in nursing homes. Though, lately the elderly are placed in old-aged homes. It is common for the Croatian people to live with extended families. 27

The Croatian people are reserved and formal. I found that difficult to adapt to when I first arrived in Croatia in 2002. A firm handshake and eye contact is enough to show respect. The close relationship shows affection with a hug and a kiss each on the left and right cheeks. I tell it be better to let the other person start it to encourage you further. If you get invited to a Croatian family, remember to bring flowers for the hostess, and a box of chocolates, or a bottle of wine for the host. Avoid Chrysanthemums, as these are funeral flowers. If you do bring Chrysanthemums make sure the numbers of stems sum up to an odd number. A Catholic belief I learned from other local people. Leave food on your plate to show that you're done eating. Consider this tip. If you're eating out, it's considered impolite not to tip at upscale restaurants. But not expected at informal restaurants. Time drags on when you're living in Croatia. If you're used to equating your every minute with something productive business-wise, moving to Croatia might change your outlook. In Croatia, learn to sit back and relax. The Croatia lifestyle changes your outlook on life. I visited the war museum situated at the top of Mount Srđ. It is an interesting tourist site with a spectacular view. The islands are awesome! I did not know of culture shock. To have the actual understanding of culture shock allowed for many challenges before I grew into a new lifestyle. The most southern part of Croatia is a different part of the world. I don't compare prices to the U.S.A from the Kuna to the dollar. The expensive lifestyle in Croatia is different to that of the U.S.A, or any other place in the world. The lifestyle is not the same for everyone. Adjustments to a new life got me thinking of my life in the past and to the many changes I had experienced. 28

Why did I move to Croatia? I am married to a Croatian. My husband moved to South Africa during the ''Old Yugoslavian period.'' He lived in the Republic of South Africa for many years before meeting me. After nine years of marriage in South Africa he decided to come back home. The best place to be is home. Thirteen years ago, we came to live in Croatia. I did not have much knowledge of Croatia. Have I visited Croatia before I moved here? I did not visit Croatia before moving here. The first trip to Croatia made my stay a permanent one. What did I learn of Croatia before I moved here? The food is different and incredible. The Croatian language is one of the most difficult languages. My move encouraged me to be positive. I am self-employed. My tourist business is of Indian cuisines and Croatian cuisines. Tourism is the key to a good living in Croatia. My writing online keeps me occupied in the winter. The summer is fun. I meet people from around the world. Communication opens the mind of individuals. I experienced culture shock but did not realize what had affected me. My husband did not have the time to encourage us on the learning of the Croatian language. The different mentality, parking spots and the draft showed me another way of life here. The best part of living in Croatia in the most southern part called konavle is a mix of the wonderful views of the valley, and of the fresh country air. Hospitable people, meaningful relationships can be formed with the local people, only if you change your self-being. 29

The hardest thing about living in Croatia is learning the language. To live far away from family The paperwork is frustrating and takes forever. Foreigners and the locals experience the hardship of paperwork. The people here treat their guests uniquely. I found that an extraordinary experience. The effort put into a chore is more of value than the owned material goods. The traditional culture won't fade. It is strong and here to stay. You need to get to know the Croatian people before backing away. One of the best places to visit is Dubrovnik. The Old Town is a tourist sight. The middle street is called stradun. Along each side are several stores with interesting gifts. Cafe bars, and restaurants. 30