AMPIYAS XXII: PAGHILOM

Umub-ob ka na sa kahit saang oras wag lang sa oras niya dahil tiyak sandamak-mak na palusot ang kailangan mong ipunin wag ka lang maparusahan. Sa oras niya bawal ang nagtutulog, nagsusuklay, nagsasalita ng walang kabuluhan, kahit pag-inom ng tubig bawal. Ultimo kahit puputok na ang pantog dahil punong puno na, kailangan mong pigilan wala kang lakas ng loob para itaas ang kamay at sabihing \" Pwede pong magbanyo?\" . Sa oras ni Teacher NewRules, madami ang bawal , dahil gusto niyang sa kanya lang ang atensyon ng estyudante para walang iistorbo sa pagintindi ng bagong kaalaman. Sa bagong kaalaman naman, sa kanya wala ka nang hahanapin pa. Ihanda mo na ang utak at buong sarili mo dahil matinding bakbkan ng katalinuhan ang labanan. Siya ang guro punong puno ng kaalaman, kahit pinanggalingan ng ipis alam niya. Pag nagtanung siya dapat may aral ka dahil di ka makakaupo hanggat di mo siya nasasagot. Pero kahit mali naman tinatanggap niya, wala naman kasing maling sagot kay Teacher Info, dahil nga sa kanya lahat ng mali ay may pag-asa pang maitama. Kaya sa exams niya hindi right minus wrong. Magaral ka na dahil sa oras ni Teacher Test all you can kahit wala pang naituturo magbibigay na yan ng pagsusulit. Pagsusulit na madalas ay right minus wrong. Sa oras niya natututo ang kanyang mga estyudante na maging indepent dahil kailangan mong magaral mag-isa para wag bumagsak sa asignatura niya. Sa pagbasak naman ang uusapan walang kawala ang mga estyudate kay Teacher Fall back dahil bumagsak ka man sa kanyang asignatura gagawin niya ang lahat para hilahin ang lahat ng pwede pang mahila. Pero pag walan na pasyesyahan kayo dahil ibabagsak ka na talaga niya. Masasabi mo na lang na siya na ang pinakamabait mong guro dahil di ka niya binagsak kahit anung hirap pa ng tinuturo niya. Sa pahirapan naman ang pagtuturo sa huling uri ng guro ka makakahanap. Si Teacher Hard to get ang isang tao na magpapintindi sayo na dapat laging buhay ang utak mo at mabilis kang makakuha ng pinag- aaralan dahil kaya niyang ituro ang dalawang lesson sa isang oras lamang. Nasa kanya na halos ang lahat itsura, galling magsalita, postura sa unahan lahat lahat na pero wala ngang perpekto dahil minsan kailangan mo nang mag-aral ng sayo pag di mo na naabutan ang tinuturo niya. Posibleng may mga uri ng guro na kombinasyon ng mga nabanggit. Iba iba man ang uri ng guro, pare-parehas pa din silang nagsasabi ng \"Magandang umaga/hapon, mahal kong estyudante\" at iisa sila ng hangarin at misyon , ang turuan tayong maging isang mabuting mamamayan ng mundo. 42

arbussetnitnia by Andrea Gail B. Punzalan i have forgotten the feeling of not knowing your name. for so long it's been etched on my skin, carved with the thorns of yellow roses and the sharp edges of blue candy wrappers. from every letter, crimson flowers bloom. rust to the tongue. the opposite of amnesia. i have forgotten the feeling of not knowing your name. some words are never uttered but are surely implied. in a metallic blue canvas, yellow letters lined with red. i am perplexed by the imitation sapphire that landed on salvaged papers. four words answered through a promise written on a ripped-up receipt. rust to the tongue. everything is made to be broken. i have forgotten the feeling of not knowing your name. two children in a playground; one too naïve and the other too aware. two swings hanging from a metal bar painted over with the shade of blue i’ve come to associate with the hues of you. the clicking noises of a beat-up old keypad cracks open the frigid air. i could have said the damned words, but the skies are starless and there is nothing. nothing that connects me to you. rust to the tongue. one child in a playground; too naïve and yet too aware. fate chooses the cruelest times to be kind. i have forgotten the feeling of not knowing your name. a dull saturday morning turned upside-down by a single word. a promise, a question. something bright, sprinkled like salt on an open wound. i remember not remembering. tearstains on a check-patterned skirt, treading on broken threads and shortened breaths. be thankful that you have not cursed yourself in a language you have never known. i have. rust to the tongue. your doubt is a branding iron on the surface of my porcelain skin. 43

i have forgotten the feeling of not knowing your name. a ‘goodbye forever’ in sheep’s clothing. stacks of paper and congested roads. smoke creating room in my lungs. embers of emptiness. white tiles crumbling underneath my knees as floods of salt quelled the flames. i can almost tell you how it feels to scale a burning building. rust to the tongue. how punishing it is to just barely miss you. i have forgotten the feeling of not knowing your name. a night of revelry. champagne-colored dresses and bejeweled masks. your absence is an unanswered question and an answered prayer. everyone’s hand is held except for mine; a case of uneven numbers making odds meet. rust to the tongue. the dwindling convex moon whispers: let go of the hand you have never held. i have forgotten the feeling of not knowing your name. but i intend to remember or die trying. you are a gaping, bleeding wound but time is nothing if not a suture kit. the years slowly become a perversion of anesthesia. bruised knees and scorched lungs—everything turns into scar tissue. rust in absentia. one day, so will you. 44

Poll-ify: The *Infamous* 2022 Philippine Election OST The Filipinos are now experiencing the leadership of the 17th President of the Philippines, President Ferdinand R. Marcos Jr., but some Filipinos still got the election hangover within and across the social media platforms, even in 2023, because of the meme exchanges, satirical jokes, and commentaries from different supporters of elected and non-elected candidates in the concluded national elections. The traces of the past election are the campaign jingles, songs, and chants that were played alongside the loud and proud cheers of the supporters during big sorties and house-to-house campaigns. The election may be over now and the next one might take a long time, but that does not stop us from anthologizing the most noteworthy playlist of the 2022 Philippine Elections. During the campaign period, the supporters of former Vice President Leni Robredo, who dubbed themselves as \"Kakampinks,\" used to add songs of hope, change, and betterment to their playlist. In the campaign sorties of the runner-up candidate for the presidency, various songs sung by popular artists of the country were being orchestrated to set the vibe of their campaign motto, \"Sa Gobyernong Tapat, Angat Buhay Lahat\". Dressed in their bright pink outfits, Kakampinks vibed with songs, such as \"Rosas\" by Nica del Rosario and Gab Pangilinan, \"Kay Leni Tayo\" by Nica del Rosario, Jeli Mateo, and Justine Peña, \"Liwanag sa Dilim\" and \"Awit ng Kabataan\" by Rivermaya, \"Leni Kiko Laban\" and \"Leni Robredo, Ating Pinuno\" by Agat, Agel Mor, and Morfam, and \"Ang Presidente Bise Presidente\", a mid-campaign addition by Gabriel Valenciano, to name a few. Such songs were described as epitome of bright and lively campaigns, which are staged for the people who were for the Robredo-Pangilinan leadership. 45

The playlist of the Robredo-Pangilinan duo had also included some of the most well-known songs by artists in the Philippine music industry, including Ben & Ben, Moira Dela Torre, Regine Velasquez-Alcasid, Yeng Constantino, Ebe Dancel, and Ely Buendia of Eraserheads, among many others. The soundtrack of their campaign really bannered the classic and most-loved Original Pilipino Music, or OPM, hits in the hopes of bringing an honest and principled government for the Filipinos. The playlist is truly a remarkable era of the Philippine elections because it has been a creative collaboration of the greatest and up-and-coming musicians in the country who have exemplified their talents for the people’s campaign. The tracks from the playlist can be played or shared through Spotify from Earl Jimenez's unofficial playlist entitled \"This is Leni Robredo\" for the Leni-Kiko 2022 People’s Campaign. The said playlist is 11 hours and 21 minutes long and has more than 41,000 likes, which is free to be streamed on the said music service. Meanwhile, the songs in the said playlist offer not just the theme of uplifting the lives of everyone but also a starting point of a welcomed and promised movement of Angat Buhay to break the chains of poverty, disinformation, and other social hot waters. On the other hand, the winning tandem of President Ferdinand ‘Bongbong’ Marcos Jr. and Vice President Sara Duterte, who banked on the campaign message of ‘unity’, seemed to topple the charts of the past elections as they both edged out their competitors by a huge margin. The supporters of the BBM-Sara tandem, who formed themselves under the umbrella of UniTeam Alliance, or the electoral alliance of the aforementioned candidates, were at the forefront of supporting their bets and their respective senatorial and local slates. Aside from the number of spectators supporting the tandem at their respective campaign sorties, several artists were also seen supporting the duo and the entire team. Well-known artists include actress-host Toni Gonzaga-Soriano; comedians Aiai Delas Alas, Karla Estrada, Archie Alemania, and Randy Santiago; musicians Dulce, Wency Cornejo, and Mike Hanopol, among others; and Andrew E., the rapper behind the hit campaign chant \"Bagong Pilipinas, Bagong Mukha,\" which has become the alliance's anthem. 46

Meanwhile, Toni Gonzaga, who hosted the proclamation rally of the alliance, received several criticisms online after she introduced former Deputy Speaker and senatorial candidate Rodante Marcoleta as one of the running senators of the UniTeam, who was one of the people behind the shut down of Gonzaga’s mother network, ABS-CBN. However, after drawing backlash online, the actress still recognized it for making her trend during that night. She was then often seen performing at some campaign sorties singing international songs, like \"Roar\" by Katy Perry and \"Titanium\" by David Guetta and Sia, which then received several parodies from netizens online. Moreover, the alliance’s campaign playlist banners the colors of unity in red and green in the hopes of welcoming a unified nation amidst several differences. As such, the supporters of the UniTeam created a playlist named \"Uniteam BBM-Sara Playlist\" on Spotify, which has 25 songs settling for 1 hour and 30 minutes of pure-UniTeam music vibe. The playlist garnered more than 700 likes, which highlights OPM songs like \"Isang Mithiin\", \"Umagang Kay Ganda\" by Bamboo, \"Tagumpay Nating Lahat\" by Gary Granada, and \"Isang Lahi\" by Vehnee Saturno, among others. The soundtrack likewise casts songs from Toni Gonzaga’s performances like \"Roar\" by Katy Perry, \"Unstoppable\" by Sia, and \"Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)\" by Kelly Clarkson. Hence, the songs of the playlist reflect not only the verbose message of unity but also a chance to redeem the Filipino character and make the country great again, which is one of the aspirations of the BBM-Sara tandem. The top two contenders for President and Vice President, as well as other entrants from the recently held elections, all had music on their playlists that brandished the Filipino culture in different ways while supporting free and peaceful elections. The landsmen's dream of raising the value of the candidates’ political beliefs and ideology by carefully evaluating candidates' intentions, backgrounds, and electoral records before electing them as true public servants is one that hasn't been realized, and these soundtracks recurrently generalize how they do so. By the same token, it is not entirely foreign to the electoral tradition of our nation that voting is occasionally seen as a further demonstration of power and alliances, dynasties, and alliances that date back many years. The sad part of the story is how the majority of Filipinos downplay the significance of choosing leaders based on their accomplishments and other pertinent factors rather than their name, fame, and game that should be set out-of-doors. 47

While the nation has already moved past what the Commission on Elections described as generally peaceful and successful elections, there are multitudes who do not believe so. As a matter of fact, even the international community, such as the International Coalition for Human Rights in the Philippines (ICHRP), distrusts the turnout of the general elections as, for them, it is a backslide to accost the \"international standard of free, honest, and fair election.\" However, the country’s chief electoral body firmly defended its decision by citing confirmation and grounds for what has been the most successful elections in the history of the country since it became automated in the 2008 general elections. The conduct of the last general elections in the country, for the most part, highlighted how Filipinos actively participate in the most challenging procedure on the cusp of a pandemic. Hence, as the country moves forward to a new administration backed with hopes and optimism, it is everyone’s responsibility to remain vigilant and supportive on the good and rocky roads of the next six years of the country, as it was under our agreement as people who elected them to their respective posts. On the other hand, both Kakampink and UniTeam’s playlist showcased our mainstream culture in supporting who we want to elect, and it should remain only as one of our traits as Filipinos while engaging in meaningful junctures, such as the elections while being respectful to others’ decisions. As we accept the majority’s decision, these playlists will remind us of the days we used to be under the sun or bathing under the moon to support an individual, a team, or a future that we believe will make us and our country better. Thus, the Filipino official soundtrack for the entire vote- casting is neither between the aforementioned playlist of candidates nor other entrants’ medley, because as members of the commonality, one song should remain as the premier highlight of the entire playlist, and that is Lupang Hinirang, our national anthem, which should not only be respected but also celebrated, for it has been our honor as Filipinos in every undertaking of our lifeblood. It is this, above anything else, that should make us united regardless of our political principles. 48

Aronmdwaalvleswiolvlerbgeraowlnrigcohmteinthteimcaelmest of se Now Playing: AndLaellawvilel sbe balyrigBhteinn t&imeBenby Thrizia Elainne M. Villapando Oh you never really love someone until youIt was a cold and breezy afternoon. The weather seems to be so gloomy that it may rain heavily anytime. But despite that, I don’t know why I always love this kind of weather. In contrast with what this kind of weather gives, I feel a different kind of comfort and warmth. Looking ry as hard as I mightthrough the window, sipping through my cup of hot coffee, I watch how the leaves of trees dance to the rhythm of the wind. Some leaves are strong enough to hold onto the branch and follow the harmony. Some are slowly drifting away and chose to let the wind bring them to wherever o flee the shadows of the nightthey think they are destined to be. Upon watching the leaves dance and fall, I can’t help but to see and realize a lot about things…especially the one called life. I think it’s kind of It haunts me and it makes me feel bluefascinating how the leaves strongly hold on to the branch and correctly follow the direction of the wind. But as the wind changes its direction unexpectedly, that’s when leaves lose their grip. No matter how firm they are, no matter how much they cherish their branch, everything would eventually end, in a way no one is able to foresee. Seeing how traitorous But how can I try to hidethe wind is, I can’t help but ask. Is it worth trying to hold onto the branch? Given also the fact that the branch is also following the rhythm of the wind. Does that mean the branch is also a traitor? Or the other way round? Maybe the branch is actually helping the leaves lose their grip so When every breath and every hourthey could already be where they are supposed to be. It is saddening that everything we cherish will someday be gone. No matter how much we thought it would stay, the wind has other plans. Plans that are far different IAsntdillinentdheupentdh,inekveinrygthofinygouw?e have mafrom what we anticipated. But still, everything is worth trying. So I will hold on for as long As leaves will soon49grow from the barene

That I'd decide if I sIhwououldldlesaeevethoresdtaaI was so engrossed in watching the leaves that I didn’t notice that But in the enthe skies had already changed its color–from gray to pitch black, and that d what makesrain is slowly pouring. In the darkness of the night, I can only see the it worth thsilhouette and shadow of the trees with the help of the moonlight. Isn’t it amazing how things suddenly become shadows at night? Those shadows That nowe only see because something is blocking the light. Staring at the matter what hashadows of trees, I suddenly felt bad for the trees. They can’t run away ppens we try tofrom darkness. Instead, they hide their real facade. I always believe that matrees are strong. But why do they hide in the middle of darkness? Or am I L wrong? Maybe they don’t intend to hide. They just let the darkness eaves will soon gconsume and hide them. Maybe it is the time when they feel the safest. row from the bareness ofBringing my eyes back to the branch where its leaves have fallen, I must say it looks wounded. It suddenly looks empty yet…light. It seems And all wempty since there are no leaves left, but it looks lighter. As time passes, ill be alright imaybe our heart is like that branch. We need to let go of things to feel n timelighter. We need to empty our hearts from the things we do not have enough control over. Because like what the ‘Ben & Ben’ song on my rom background says, “Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees and waves overgrowall will be alright in time.” There will always come a time that another n come the calmbatch of leaves will grow and the branch will feel full again. All those est of sewounds would eventually heal. In the process, we just need to be like that branch. Feel the moment. Follow the rhythm of life. And most importantly, And all willearn to forgive ourselves. That is the time when we could truly and fully l be alright ingive ourselves the love our heart deserve. AWsaanaiudiodduseanaadlallllslllwwowiofiliflllltlthbbhbeeeeiaspaaallcrlsrorimtigiggehwhhsittltwliiniinetnvhtetttiinimiammmteueeleoavlelythhaetails50

TWo aTs hLe eOftnBe eWhinhdo by Airra May G. Medrano You broke up. You move on. nipyhkostaoiouaufntunnr‘aaoytrgglgsoul.srnstlaeMbhIaagsmlaaneaaagnbtgapnmiai.hoaggkypaenaa,anmasytrihmoasnoniiwparigpnyiy,,eaokmfbsg,eakuklaeaaitanglnrhimoaindyagtgoatn.its.luhnaiiO.EnmegcKvgoaaphea,nnkiursnya’irmtkattiiu,ngfdampnadsefaeeaganlneyaaysmalanniannngataahdggnanneaamnalklaiafiaaolyaolanacoknl“taaclamtahylhgtenahorkangnoaunaitsul‘n”.yaigyiaWknshanaagoas,nslnuotsagaitaarl ─AeMmay“kweistdlonuhawxapamuanyepdelaaa,bgieecytsnaferisiaayigngirehtltosdaAtlhnaythuonmnacnehructedfagrkeeunneplu/ietmyo.oesnlofrhBrtiraogats,usiue-htrsomfotaatrmn,sbyh.telaaltoeeyaaytoLluashtloiaiiMaenumd‘.mzilnYAuhammianyivKgaeefbtHSdluatahgtnoaohdle'heaadauasohitnaeikgrusiamsrptto,nmomig/aaeatmrehnantdsbfynkibargasaheqnsnhiaieieoiauogapuaanblmuatoumgemagunlmt”bln,lmadtswineulpapnpgipla,naailihusyeyhphboaonaenatangAmtmokhimkeaeainrwarkisbndnnloat‘oawnirtcpgapygaleuanoosstankagpnuaiii,ynitpkohndnInrnaultg.tgaaanoaemmtnoaneii'gtgaIsutbnw-tnnusturgod,ubteaparoagbhdtalgahimoarsatioooehegykneailcsun.ahbeatrknypbia,opagvanutahroTlcgaiastoygeeeunpeisalrlaanhoaetaatyl.tiukcagpstriymygnoainmtiatoytd..nmAwoinhomog.kunmaamKnonsikaMnstaanansaan.aga?ruatbeaadlk.eingeoayankagnwyOykepaoioohHfoaTfhgftawtloaprrokohoirkaiheabliemrssseraitaoeranerhalimma/a,,anapnldyobsyangppeysinkllmsmkhuaekonael.a/oahug)yaiyysatne’nltumnrnguyaionnaaPthoobankgharagk.oe.twkniggadeausfed.syaOiar.iihen-e,er,iokiosptsylarsddmhaanfkeitabieny-geia?rlakmanfnoioiiyk.slgmeAguintoiakthdpFlibvmkgawmjctimiueauan.neoanfsawhdooUy,tokoanamaresnawannaaydwhctegn.aieikcasmaalkgsane(antnnnakMrcoopgaadsanhnkrtkaytpacieaaoemaaoertdlikiorasluamolsaaaairdtgtranyhnaihgasnnma’nsbnyegeayaa.g.goe.rolt, f.. 51

Maybe Burn by Airra May G. Medrano Listen. You see? Sometimes, until a portion of the forest fire is controlled and isolated, there is no other way to prevent it from killing everything. Maybe the only option to save the forest is to remove a portion of it. Detachment is key and annihilation is the answer you cannot accept yet.. You’ll realize that the only way to overcome melancholy is with more sadness. Face the truth. Return to sanity, young one, there are just some things you cannot outrun. Do not be afraid, you don’t have to be alone anymore. It's time for you to master the skill of self-forgiveness for the things you cannot alter. Forgive and forget. So let the pain continue to grow until it hurts no more. I’m begging you. Please stop running. Every memento that is lost leaves a void in the fabric of memory, providing a fresh chance to reinvent oneself. We grow as people as a result of annihilation. Live in the moment. The past is but a recollection, and the mind makes unintentional changes to the truth. Even the most treasured memories become distorted; memories quickly become vague and non-verbatim. 52

Eventually, memories are reduced to a mere product of the imagination rather than an interpretation of the truth. Reality will eventually be corrupted by emotion in every scene that the mind creates. So, pull yourself together and grieve. Grieve the loss of your past self of the things you used to love of the people you lost of the possessions you misplaced of the love you’ve thrown away of the money you spent of the time you wasted and learn from all the things you lost. There's a chance that not every fire will burn and that the forest won't be reduced to cinders tonight. Every catastrophe has a strong-willed witness, and they are the ones who survive to tell the story. After all these forest fires, had it never occurred to you the question why you are still here? alive? You exist to tell a story, and that story is yours. 53

RnEeSwO year's LUTION by Airra May G. Medrano I have this friend. Despite the fact that we have been friends for almost seven years, I can already count her among the people I value the most. We were discussing our resolutions that we intended to keep after New Year's Day. I take pride in how well I know my friend. Even how long it takes her to get ready in the morning, her favorite book and her favorite ice cream flavor are all the things I can tell you. You'll see how surprised I was when she revealed her New Year's resolve because I wasn't prepared for it. “I want to be better.” Better? What makes her superior? She is excellent at everything already! She is the best among the rest. The first idea that came to me, mostly because it was accurate. She was a gifted performer, she achieved high academic standing, she was a loving daughter to her parents, and she is excellent at forming connections with others. You can’t tell if she has problems or if she is sad because she is a happy-go-lucky person. What else could she possibly be better at in her life? Anyone in her position would be overjoyed and self-assured! Days passed, and I gradually realized how mistaken I had been. Not in regards to what I just said about her. 54

No, those can't be real. I made the mistake of assuming that someone in her situation would naturally be contented with himself I noticed she's been having difficulties. She complies with requests made of her, and ultimately succeeds in doing so. However, not without flaws. And despite how tiny they may be, these flaws are gradually weakening her. I think I know why she's been having trouble. The problem with being \"exceptional\" in practically everything, you know, is that people already were expecting a lot from you. As time goes on, they stop celebrating your successes because they already knew how your efforts would turn out. When you succeed, they smile, congratulate you briefly, and then go on. The moment you fail, everyone turns to look at you. And no one stops talking about it. I'm pleased with her. She makes me fearful as well. I dread what she will have to experience and endure. She is the kind of person that genuinely never gives up; occasionally, her tenacity may be a little bothersome. She is not a quitter. What if, after climbing to the top, she discovers that she is no longer herself? To whoever is reading this, I wanted you to know that working toward your aspirations is extremely crucial, but don't let the challenges and hardships make you forget who you are and the things and people that serve as reminders of what it means to be alive. And to my friend who has been going through some of her worst times, I don't know if I've told you this, but I'm most proud of you for having a good heart and for pursuing your true happiness despite what others may think. Carry on. You'll get there. 55

ORHSORTESI

wweisrehsyoboeur by Mary Rose K. Cañas “Damn, you look so hot, babe,” Ethan whispered under his breath while looking at the girl in front of him, who was actually Jakie, his girlfriend. “Let me tell you a story about someone I loved the most. Listen, okay?” Ethan drank his shot and smiled. “She’s a wonderful person. She prioritizes people around her more than herself. Oh, I remember the time when we went to the beach. She checked if everyone was safe since we rented a floating cottage. She doesn’t know how to get mad... One time, I accidentally spilled a glass of water on her laptop where her important files were saved, but she just shrugged it off and told me to change my clothes so that I wouldn’t catch a cold. Ah, I miss her again. ” Jakie gave Ethan a small smile and said, "Tell me more about her.” Ethan hiccuped and said, “she’s now my ex... wish she was here though.” The drunk guy looked at the person who was taking care of him and said, “Who are you, by the way?” “Jakie, your girlfriend.” 56

LivetMhoement by Alexanderjames Oliva My parents, my mother specifically, always remind me to always take time to enjoy where I am, what I am, and who is around me right now or in other words, I should live the present. She's trying to tell me that instead of getting caught up in the past or worrying about what may happen in the future, I should embrace each moment as it comes. This is her remainder when I always seem to be bothered by something especially in the past or in the near future. Sometimes, I am not able to isolate my present from my past and future. But suddenly the words of my mother sink into me and I lived with it. As a student, I am always bothered by the mistake I made, like not doing better in exams and activities. I always spend a long time thinking about those mistakes and sometimes it takes me weeks before I get over them. It seems like I was always regretting that I should have done better to get better results. I also spend a long time thinking about the future, I am always thinking of what-ifs for the future. I am always pondering on what should I do in the near future so that I will not regret anything like the way I am regretting the things from the past. Imagining and constructing situations that might happen in the future is one of my hobbies before because I thought it makes me ready for any problem I might face. In other words, I spend too much time just thinking about the past and the future, that I thought was a good thing to do until my mother made me realized that it is somehow wrong because I miss many things. But at the same time, every time my mother sees me sulking and looks like I am thinking very deeply, she always reminds me that I should choose to be happy at the moment. She always reminds me to look to the present and precious these moments because we I can’t change the past and the future is uncertain. 57

She always tells me that in the end of the day being happy is all that it matters that’s why I need. Moreover, last year, I found myself living the wisdom of my mother, I realized that I was more optimistic and productive since I started focusing the moments on the presents instead of that of the past and future. The words of my mother are my strength that I have now. She made me realized to take in every moment as it comes and make the most of it. Live in the moment, for we are neither in the past nor in the future. Every moment is valuable because it provides us with the opportunity to improve ourselves on a daily basis. We need to be happy because we will never know what will happen, so savor each moment as if it is your last. 58

Hasurmdosfhaiplls My Way to Success by Alexanderjames Oliva If I were to step on being a college student today, as my current self, I think I am not fully ready. Based on college students themselves, college is not easy and you really need to do your best every time. It is hard to the point that there is suicide because of it and it is shown that suicide is the second leading cause of death of college students, coming after accidents. But if I am not ready for college, how can I achieve success in life, where we can achieve that success if we get our dream job after we pass college? My answer to this is to continue growing and become better and better. When I was in grade 7, I was always bothered because I kept wondering why are their letters in math. And every senior that I talk to said that it was indeed hard but here I am now, accustomed to algebra now in Basic calculus. I’ve realized that with every step we take, the challenges become harder, but alongside this, every challenge we take on, it makes us better. Life is a process; we cannot skip levels to advance because we will not be able to fight at that level without going through the levels below it. Life is an adventure to take on, a lesson to learn, and a challenge to conquer, it may look hard or full of hustles but it is definitely sweet when we achieve our dreams. Success seems to be unreachable today but tomorrow is yet to come, thus, we still have the chance to get it all it takes is to learn and get better every day. Thereupon, I want you, the readers to love the process of life. You will eventually get there as long as you continue moving forward. No matter how slow or fast you grow, the only thing that matter is that you are still growing and not giving up. Success is the sum of several small efforts, conquered challenges and hardship. We should work hard no matter how it looks impossible, no matter how long it takes us, no matter how far we have gone, because we shall remember that the feeling of success is the most blissful of them all and only those who kept going will feel it. 59

hingaPahingaP a hibyJanineB.Agno Alas syete na ng gabi, mabigat at pagod na ang bawat hakbang habang tinatahak ko ang daan patungo sa sakayan. Iniisip ko pa lamang ang susuungin na traffic, byahe, siksikan, busina, ingay, alikabok, pasahero, mga kailangang gawin pagdating sa bahay, at ang kinabukasan—sumasakit na ang kanina pang pumipintig kong sentido. Pagod na ako. Nilakasan ko ang volume ng kanta mula sa cellphone kong anim na taon nang nagtatyaga sa akin. Dinadala ko lamang naman ito para maibigay sa holdaper kung sakali. Pumailanlang sa aking tenga ang Live While We’re Young ng One Direction. Mataas ang boses ni Zayn Malik ngunit mas nanalo ang “Rosario! Garcia! Rosario!” na sigaw ng barker ng jeep. Sumakay na ako sa pinakadulo, dahil ayokong maging instant kundoktor kung sa unahan ako uupo. Lumipas ang mga sandali at maluwag pa din ang espayo ng jeep, hindi pa kami mukhang sardinas na ipinilit sa lata. Ayoko talaga ng naghihintay, kaya ayoko sa byahe. Likas na mahihiluhin ako kaya’t lagi kong kasama ang aking ina kapag naiidayo ako sa iba’t-ibang lugar para sumali sa mga patimpalak noong elementarya. Ayoko sa amoy ng jeep, sa perfume ng katabi na di mabango, sa mahabang buhok na di itinatali at sa taong nasa harapan na kumakain ng burger. Mula sa aking kinauupuan ay lasap na lasap ko ang halimuyak ng patty ng Mcdo na nakapagpakalam sa aking sikmura. Pumalatak ako, kanina pa pala ako hindi kumakain dahil sa magkakasunod na klase. Pagod na ako talaga. “Isa! Isa! Rosario! Garcia!” patuloy niyang sigaw kahit na sa sapantaha ko’y kalahating hita ko na lamang ang kasya sa natitirang espasyo. May isang sumakay. Estudyante. Ngunit bago pa man makapunta sa bakanteng pwesto ay natakid ito at natumba sa jeep. Natapon ang dala nitong pagkain; iniiwas ko ang aking paningin. Unti-unting umalis ang sasakyan at may mga nakita akong nagsisimula nang pumikit. Mahaba nga naman ang apatnapung minuto na byahe. Sapat na na maging pahinga ng mga pagod na katawan at isipan. 60

Sa paglilipat ng kanta, napaisip ako “Saan nga ba ako patungo?”, na hindi lamang pinupunto ang pag-uwi dahil tapos na ang klase. Pagkatapos ng apat na taon, sino ako? Sino ang kasama ko? Ano ang ginagawa ko? Mga bagay na sumisingit sa aking isipan na di ko mawari kung ano ang pinagmulan. Gusto kong umiyak, sumigaw at umalis. Gusto kong pumunta sa malayo at tahimik na lugar, ngunit ayoko sa byahe. Pressure. Masyado na akong pressured sa mga nangyayari. Sumandal ako at pumikit, nagpakawala ng isang malalim na buntong-hininga kasabay ng pagdama ko ng pagod. Hindi ako puwedeng sumuko, masyadong mataas ang pangarap ko para tumigil lang dito. “Para po!” malakas na usal ng estudyante na mukhang nakamove on na mula sa kanyang pagkakadapa. Iminulat ko ang aking mga mata at nakita ko na natutulog na ang halos lahat ng pasahero, ubos na din ang burger ni ate at mas pamilyar na ang mga lugar—malapit na akong bumaba. Malamig ang simoy ng hangin, unti-unti nang mumumulat ang mata ng ibang nakasakay na mukhang katulad ko, ay naibsan na ang pagod na nararamdaman. “Kuya, nightmarket lang po!” sigaw ng isang pasahero kaya’t di ko na kailangan pumara— nauna pa akong bumaba sa kanya. Nasiglawan ko na ang aking kapatid na naghihintay sa akin, sampung minuto muling byahe bago kami nakarating sa bahay. Bumungad sa akin ang ngiti ng aking ina na nakaupo sa sala, “Kamusta?” unang bungad niya. Di ako sumagot habang nagbubuklat ng ulam. “Anak, kumain ka na?” “Tara na kumain” halos magkasabay na sambit ng aking ama at kapatid. Simpleng bagay, ngunit nakapaghilom ng kanina’y sira kong isip at katawan. Pahinga. Ito ang aking pahinga. Sa maikling sandali, ang dami kong napagnilayan. Sa kaunting pagpikit ay naimulat ako ng realidad na walang masamang mapagod. Ang kailangan natin ay pahinga, magpahinga at huminga. Mahaba pa ang ating paglalakbay, malayo pa ang tatahakin at marami pang sugat ang ating iindahin. Nawa ay maghilom tayo mula sa mga sugat na dala ng ating pinakamahalagang paglalakbay—ang ating buhay. 61

JDersesssaensd by Robert C. Linatoc Filipinos were known for being hospitable, humorous, generous, and religious. Those positive characteristics made Filipino people popular all over the world and made everyone handle challenges in life well. Those characteristics were reflected within each Filipino's home. But from these values... of all the people who dare to come, should they be welcomed? “NOOOOO!” a grieving voice of a mature female “They are coming!” a loud and shrill shout from the yard with the sound of a broom’s friction with the ground. “The visitors are coming, they are coming! Jessica, where are you? Have you prepared the blankets and pillows?” it’s surely my mother’s voice, it's kinda irritating to hear. “YES! Where should I put these blankets?” I answered while looking out the window. Yet, annoyingly, what I received was just the wind’s cold blow. Anyway, I'm looking forward to Christmas as we've planned a fun party with my sister's boyfriend's family. It's already 4 in the afternoon, and my sister's boyfriend's car is on its way. My mother dropped the dustpan and excitedly welcomed them. You will see on her face that she’d waited for this moment. “Come inside, Iho!” a very calm and pleasant voice of my mother pointing at the door. I haven’t heard her talking to me that way. “You must be Jessica?” my sister’s boyfriend asked me while he was stepping in. I just nodded with a very weird smile. I am Alex, soon to be your Kuya. This is Mel, my brother who is the same age as yours, while he’s Ken, my friend from Manila who wants to experience living in a probinsya. His brother, Mel is handsome, hehe. As they came in, they sat on the sofa, which had a freshly laundered cover. I sat beside my ate to have fun with her 6-month- old baby named Alexandra. Her name originated from her father named Alex and my sister, Cassandra; combining of parents’ names is a really weird Filipino tradition. Meanwhile, thirty minutes later, my father had just arrived from the market. He bought ingredients for his specialty. It's been months since the last time I tasted his adobo, which is so special that you can only taste it on a very special occasion. 62

6:00 pm, dinner time. My overwhelmed inay leading the prayer. I am sitting on her side and in front me is Mel. While reciting a grace before meal and head bowed “Bless us, oh Lord and these thy gifts…” I saw Mel looking and smiling at me. “So weird.” I whispered. “Our Lord. Amen!” the prayer just ended. His smirk made me feel uncomfortable, from that nothing at all was uttered by me. I don’t know whose to approach and what to say either. Then suddenly, “Jessica I think you found Mel cute, don't he? I saw you earlier, and you blushed when I introduced him to you” Kuya Alex is making fun of me; actually, everyone is teasing me about Mel. Yeah, he’s cute, handsome, taller than me, and has a fair skin color as I do, but not my type. The dinner ended with the most irritating “ayieee” I’ve ever heard. After our dinner, as usual, my mother asked me to wash the dishes and of course, I had no choice, but to follow; she’s my mother anyway. From the sink, you can see them getting ready for bed, and you can hear them making fun of Mel on me as well. They will be sleeping in a room next to mine, that room was actually my parents’ room. My parents were already lying next to each other on our oldest mat beside the sofa. Afterward, “Mom, I’m through! I’m gonna take a bath before going to the bed” shouting from the sink while shaking my wet hands off. “Jessica, you're going to have low blood pressure if you continue taking a bath in the evening.” my mother reminded me. Yet, I continued walking to the CR, outside our house, “she’s not a doctor anyway, I just want to sleep fresh” I whispered. When I entered, I turned the flashlight on and laid it down. I took my dress off and suddenly, something felt off. It feels like I am in a very narrow room and I detest having that sense of being watched. I know, to feel better, I have to convince myself that it's all in my head. It was 10:00 in the evening, and while going to my room after taking a bath, I noticed they were about to sleep. I saw a scary glimpse of Mel’s eyes looking at me. I wondered why, but still. I entered my room and closed the door slowly. It was so dark. I was about to lie on my bed when suddenly, I fell on the floor. “Where is my bed?” I stood in awe looking for the switch but I found nothing. Abruptly, I felt that I am in a place that I am not used to, the feeling of standing in nowhere. I was groping and I couldn't find the door I just opened. Fortunately, I have my flashlight, “It's so dim here! Where am I?”. Suddenly, I unconsciously dropped the flashlight and when I bent down I saw marks on the wooden floor and the lowermost part of the wall, different colors, and different shapes. “These marks are very familiar to me.” Literally, endless wonder is happening, these marks are like a child’s drawing. “Who the hell drew these on my room’s wall?” Then all of a sudden, “Wait, my room’s floor was cemented, not wooden. Where the hell exactly am I?” When I stood up to find the light switch again, I bumped into the cloth and there was something hard above. I groped, “These are my dresses hanging, what?” after a minute of silence, a bulb of realization blinks in “I AM IN MY CLOSET! What in the world?, help, help HELP ME!” I am lost as to why I am here and whom to beg for help? 63

And… Until now, sitting in a corner. Two Christmases had not been celebrated. I was so excited about the party that was supposed to happen last three years ago. Three birthdays were celebrated with the most delicious meal I have ever eaten, more special than my tatay’s adobo. To my flashlight friend who stays “Thank you, Ca’ss!”. The self-pity already comes in, wondering how that entered this antic cabinet. No one dared to find me and I thought “No one wants to see me”, how cruel. “I am hungry! I’m starving to death, HELP Me please!” As usual, to satisfy my hunger, I grabbed the black dress I wore last first week of November, “hmm, this tastes bitterness and sorrowful”, the whole closet was occupied by dark smoke coming in underneath the door of the closet. I went back to that time, we were still grieving in front of my Lola’s grave. Until now, I missed her, “does anyone miss me anyway?”. I grabbed the most shimmering dessert. I went back to that time while watching from above, “I look so happy then!” that’s the last time my Inay and Tatay hugged me, then, tears fell at that moment. The memories just fade. I bit once more, and it brought me back again. This is my life for 3 years. These dresses are all delicious, some were bitter, some were sweet, some were unknown and most of the time it was suffering. Maybe this is where this story ends. Suddenly, everything became black. There is this one meal I haven't eaten yet. Something no one will notice or dare to notice, something red, and something ragged. It’s the one I am wearing. I wonder how this tastes and what memory it can give. Red smoke’s coming in the closet, three years ago I was going to my room and about to sleep, then he entered ready to conquer my body and soul… “The investigation of the 2019 Cabinet Rape Case about a young lady named Jessica who was found in a pile of her dresses has been resolved after three years. The police found out that the suspect was the sister's husband of the victim. Traumatic brain injury brought on by the suspect's violent collision through a flashlight which was the cause of her death.” broadcaster. I don’t know where I am today. I am literally living in nowhere. It is just me laying on my delicious dresses of memories. “The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.” - John Green “But it takes time. I am waiting...” Jess's hushed whisper, a grin on her face, as she watches the key entry and the light fades from the keyhole. 64

seQrauesera (Whatever Happens, Happens) by Ahliya Immaculate H. Amargo as we spend our time here on earth, every second, minute, and even every hour with the significant people in our lives counts.\" she said. \"we treasure the moments we have with those people, just like playing the piano. it has two types: the first one has an unpleasant start but ends with a wonderful and sweet epilogue.\" she added. \"but how about the other type?\" i asked curiously. (she looked down, smiled slightly and shook her head) \"tragic, unfortunate; or should i say karmic?\" she said. \"some prologues start sickly-sweet and full of hopes and promises but end with bittersweet epilogues.\" she continued speaking and i can't explain the sudden pain in my chest. \"so... in our lives we must go with the flow in every moment. the ocean of life is dangerously deep sometimes, so you must learn how to swim on your own. we will never know what will happen next\" she spoke again. and i whispered silently, \"que sera sera, whatever will be, will be in time.\" end. 65

i lgoovoeddbyyoeu, by Mark Joseph Lamoriza “Come closer”, he said. The wind touches our skin as we grasp our breath with so much passion and emotion as we never expect that we will come to this moment. “I’ll be gentle”, he whispered. Those are the words I’d like to hear supposedly in room with a sense of intimacy but not in a field with grasses and full of family affirmations. This place supposed to be full of endorphins but not for us, it was serotonin. “Why do you do it?”, I ask. Question that I think the hardest one to answer. Sometimes you just don’t know why do you do it. Sometimes the moment will make you do it even though there are people who will be hurt, the moment will push you do it. Sometimes its reasonable but most of the times it’s questionable. And even though you knew that its unreasonable you still want to ask the question which will make him confess it. “I lose it”, he uttered. Deep breathing was next to it. Emotions fills his eyes as the raindrop start to fall unto his cheeks. “I’m sorry”. I knew it. It’ll always be the next words that will be thrown to the oppressed one after confession of transgression. The moment that you realized you can’t do anything about it because you already do it and just admit that it was a wrongdoing and just say the magical word where it should only be said when you will promise to never do it again. 66

“It was the second time”’ I answered. “How could you do it to me? I only show you love but you returned a grudge”. Time stops at that moment. I’m still hoping that he will deny it and everything will be fine because I’m so close to getting over it and just believe whatever lies he will utter just because I’m afraid to lose him. Sometimes honesty is the most painful confession but is the best policy to hear. “We're done”, It was me again who say the next word. He was done with his. I’m the one who is not one but he tried to make me the one and resulting to be the one who will suffer. Will he suffer? I guess After all men’s emotions are always kept inside and you can never judge them for being unreasonable but you must let go of them for being questionable. I already give the second chance and that’s the rule of life I adore. But more than that is manipulation. ‘I’m done loving you, goodbye”, that’s it. Loud utterance filled the surroundings and people full of endorphins look back to us as I stand and leave my love, my everything, my supposed to be a companion in life if marriage will tie us tomorrow. But our story ended with a woman who was supposed to be my pal and turned out to be my crony. 67

PARA by Maria Leonora M. Manalastas Bumbilya rin naman ay napupundi. Ang mga ulap ay hindi laging puti. Simoy ng hangin ay hindi naman laging malamig, mabango, o maamo. Kaya bakit magiging masama ang pansamantalang paghinto? Sa mundo na tila pabilisan ang kompetisyon, marami ang nangangamba sa hindi pagsabay sa agos ng yaring prusisyon. Sa pagtatapos, pagtatrabaho, pag-aasawa, o pag-angat galing sa lugmok na posisyon, nag-uunahan tayo gamit ang mga hadgan na hindi naman pareho ang haba at layon. Ang paglalakad ay hindi mali dahil sa bawat maliliit mong paghakbang ay kasama ang pag-iingat at hindi pagmamadali. Para sa mga estudyanteng pinili muna ang pagtatrabaho, hindi ka dapat mangamba dahil ang pinto ng magandang kinabukasan para sayo ay hindi kailanman magsasarado. Ang diploma at toga ay mapapasakamay mo, hindi man ngayon ngunit siguradong malapit na iyon. Para sa mga nakapagtapos at nahihirapan makahanap ng trabaho o hindi alam kung saan patungo, hindi mo kailangan pangunahan ang mga pangyayari dahil lahat ng tao ay may buhay na planado at wala ni isa rito ang matatalo. Hindi mo kailangan mangamba sa sigaw ng lipunan dahil sapat at malakas ka saan ka man hilahin ng karamihan. 68

Para sa mga tao na laging tinatanong ng “Hindi ka na bumabata. Bakit hindi ka pa nagpapakasal?” tandaan na ang pag-ibig ay sadyang mapaglaro, kung kailan mo na kailangan doon pa magtatago. Ngunit marapat niyo rin na tandaan na hindi lahat ng nabubuhay na tao ay dapat mamatay na pamilyado. Sapagkat ang pag-ibig at pag-aasawa ay hindi kasing dali ng pagbabasa ng abakada. Puno ito ng saya, lumbay, takot, at sakit. Ang pag-ibig ay hindi dapat ipinipilit. Kaya kung sa pagkakaroon ng asawa at anak ay hindi ka pa handa, hindi mo kailangan mag-aalala dahil ang pagtayo nang mag-isa ay higit din na mapayapa. Nasaan ka mang parte ng buhay, normal ang mapagod. Ngunit sa iyong paghinto ay hindi ka dapat mapuno ng takot at pagluha. Lumingon ka sa iyong kanan, kaliwa, at likod, marami kami na sasabay sayo sa paghahanap ng pag-asa. Ang pasamantalang paghinto ay hindi kaduwagan. Ito ay ang pagkilala sa mundo bilang isang entablado ng pakikipagpaligsahan, hindi sa kapwa kundi sa alon ng tadhana. Sapagkat ang hirap ay hindi basta-bastang mawawala. Nakasalalay na lamang ang lahat sa kung paano mo ito malalampasan at gagamiting instrumento upang makaakyat sa kahit anong gusali na may taas na hindi matatanaw ng mga mata. Isaisip mo na makakarating ka sa kahit anong palapag. Hindi ka na muling malalaglag. Mahahawakan mo ang iyong mga pangarap dahil ito ay naghihintay lang sa iyong harap. Sa mahabang byahe ng buhay, hindi masama ang bumaba at magsimulang maglakad. Tandaan na ang mundo ay isang malaking kalsada na ikaw mismo ang maghahabi. Kaya huwag mahihiyang magsabi ng “Manong, para lang po d’yan sa tabi!” 69

All Kinds of Love by Renz Andrei Sumugat There’s a four-letter term that no matter how many books I read, I can’t understand it to its full extent. A word I've been longing to feel. Is this something I've already experienced? I'm not sure. Love. A sensation I wished I had known the instant I was born. But the reality was even harsher, as my parents abandoned me. I can't help but wonder if I was loathed the first time my mother carried me in her arms. Who can say? Perhaps she didn't even carry me after I entered this world. Isn't it ironic? My name is Amanda, which means \"she must be loved\" in Latin, yet I was rejected as a baby. I'm not sure if my foster father truly loves me, but I know he cares. He cares enough to feed, clothe, and house a child he says \"he found wailing on his doorsteps.\" There are two types of love, according to the books in Ernesto's library: platonic and romantic. The former one sounded appealing, so I attempted to locate that type of love. According to the book, it is a type of love shared by a person with their family and friends. Ernesto, my adoptive father, is someone I can name a member of my family, right? Therefore I crossed “family” off my list even though I'm not quite sure. A friend huh? \"Orphan! Orphan! Orphan!\" This is something that the kids in our community keep yelling at me. I glance at them with a smile that reaches my eyes. An orphan, according to a book I read, is a child whose parents have died. I'm not sure if mine is, but when you're adopted, you're considered a legal orphan. \"I guess you can call me that, but I hope you call me Amanda instead,\" I said as I searched for my handcrafted pearl bracelets in my abaca sling purse. When I discovered them, it warmed my heart since I was proud of myself for making these bracelets. I tried to befriend them by offering them my bracelets, but when I held out my hand, they slapped it, and part of the strings holding the pearls snapped, causing the pearls to fall to the ground. I knelt on the ground and attempted to pick them up. A foot stepped into my palm, making me wince. 70

\"You're so conceited. Do you believe you might be our friend since your father was a Spanish-descent soldier?\" the girl asks as she continues to step on my hand. \"Can you tell me why you brought these bracelets? You want to brag about them, don't you? They're not even pretty!\" another girl in a brown daster yelled in my face. A shy child approached my jewelry. I was gleaming with hope, believing she'd aid me, but a grin and smile came on her face. The other kids joined her in ripping the bracelets with their hands. I want to cry, but I know it will make them pick on me even more. I was able to hold myself together not until the girl stomping on my fingers wiped some dirt from my lovely white dress. \"Who are you to wear such a dress? It appears to be expensive, well- woven, and well-cared for by the seamstress, unsuitable for the likes of you, you abandoned kid!\" the girl exclaims as she hurls mud at my clothes. The other kids laughed and joined her in throwing pebbles and dirt at me. At that point, I can't help but cry. However, as soon as I arrive at our old mansion, it abruptly comes to a stop. The thought of Ernesto abandoning me tormented me, so I attempted to compose myself. I'm sure he wouldn't want a crying child since that’s irritating. As I got closer to my house, I noticed him reading a newspaper and drinking tea while sitting on a chair on our porch. I walked gently, but his keen ears and senses detected my approach and he dropped everything he was holding on the table. He greeted me with a serious and intense expression. I'm not sure what face implies because it's always been like that. \"Why are you so full of filth, Amanda?\" His stern voice startled me a little, but I knew I had to be confident for him to trust my words. \"I made some friends and we played a little, which is how I became so dirty. Don't worry, I'll be the one washing my clothing,\" I said, smiling as I shook off the dirt in my garment so he wouldn't be able to see my face. \"Go take a bath right now, and study some medical literature in the library,\" he sighs, his shoulder loosening. “It would be useful if something happened during the war,\" I nodded and proceeded to the restroom. That made me realize how tough it would be for me to get love from friends. In terms of family affection, although Ernesto wasn't like the parents in fairytale stories I've read, I'm grateful that he was kind enough to look after me. 71

My understanding of medical herbs and health-related info expands as I develop. Although my connection with the villagers wasn't perfect, it was far better than it had been when I was a child. Maybe they're grateful for the assistance I've provided them. As I continue to brush my hair, I gaze in the mirror. I was mirrored in the whole-body mirror. My bronzed skin and ebony-black hair were reflected in the mirror. I have almond-shaped eyes that are the color of new spring growth, bright and soft at the same time. My pencil-thin brows slid down to meet my black velvety eyelashes. The sculptor, according to the guys in the village, could not have fashioned my seraph's ears and pixie's nose any better. They also complimented my lips, which were described as plump and oxbow-like. That notion caused me to smile, and my enticing, oyster-white teeth appeared to light up the room. I took a step back and noticed how my dress fitted my shapely figure. I'm not that dense to not feel the advances of the men in the village. Despite the fact that I don't really understand what love is, I've come to believe that it's the only thing I'm lacking because I'm not getting enough of it. However, I believe I \"self-produced\" love within myself, and I'm ready to give it to others. I suppose I'm so full of love that I'm about to burst. Although I wish to experience the latter type of love based on a book I read, it concerns me how much love may change a person. I don't want to be as vulnerable as the characters in the stories I've read. I believe my sentiments for certain men are simply infatuation. I like them based on their appearance, and when I learn more about them, my feelings fade. That is not how love should be. Although loving someone who is flawless seems like a fantasy, it is not my concept of love. Love is not about loving a perfect person, but rather about loving an imperfect person perfectly. That unexpected thought made me snicker. I appear to have a lot of experience with love, yet my foundation is simply what I observe in people and read in books. I sighed and opted to eat breakfast downstairs. As I approached the hall near our kitchen, the aromas of coffee, fried rice, tuyo, scrambled eggs, and grilled tomatoes filled my nostrils. I was anticipating my father and our breakfast, not a man in uniform. \"This is Amanda, my daughter, and this is Crisanto, a soldier who knew me when I was still active.\" As my father introduced me as his daughter, the soldier stood. As I moved closer to the kitchen table, I was still in wonder. 72

I couldn't help but notice his extraordinarily white complexion and mountain-peak cheekbones, which appeared to have been chiseled into shape by a skilled artisan. They had such crisp features that it appeared as though they had been fashioned and paired to perfection. With hazelnut- colored eyes, they appear to be able to enchant everyone who falls under his steady gaze. They gleamed with gold hints, fitting his name \"Crisanto,\" which is a Spanish term for chrysanthus, which means \"gold flower.\" I may have believed him if Ernesto had introduced him as a Greek God who descended from Mount Olympus. My father yelled at me to finally have breakfast, which jolted me out of my daydream. Crisanto chuckled and it embarrassed me to the point that I think I turned as red as the tomatoes on the plate. Crisanto remained in our mansion for several weeks. He was staying in a room near mine that was unoccupied. I had nothing better to do, so I went to our library to brush up on my herbal knowledge. I felt calm when I smelled books. The novels I've read have satisfied my need for friends. They allowed me to travel to many locations without having to move my feet. Gaining knowledge about numerous topics makes me happy since it allows me to serve people, which I believe is my life's purpose. As I was scribbling down some notes, I was startled by the creaking sound of the library door opening. Crisanto was dressed in his customary outfit and had a big grin on his face. I was wondering why he wouldn't wear anything casual, but we're not close enough to ask such questions. \"So you were that kind of girl, weren't you? The nerdy ones that love books?\" he asks, his gaze darting throughout the library before settling on me. His focused stare made me anxious, so I sneered to distract myself. I kept scribbling on my notes, but my thoughts kept wondering if I looked acceptable right now and decent enough. I was writing when I heard footsteps behind me and turned to see Crisanto carefully unbuttoning his polo. His abs were well-defined despite his pale skin. When I realized why he was undressing, I covered my eyes and tried to scream, but my cry was cut short by his laughter. \"Wear a shirt!\" I yelled, still hiding my eyes. \"I just want you to look at my wound, chill. Your father told me you're skilled at dealing with that kind of stuff,\" he continued, amused, which made me upset. I glanced at him with furious eyes, but that quickly faded as I noticed a wound on his shoulder. 73

\"You could have told me before you unbuttoned your shirt, and you could have just folded the sleeves of your polo,\" I said gently, despite the fact that his presence is still distracting me. \"I called you numerous times, but you were just so focused on your readings, and for your information, my polo is so tight that its sleeves can't be folded enough to disclose my wound,\" he explained. I excused myself and reasoned that I was simply going to grab some herbs and bandages. I went back to the library after looking in the other room. As I approached him, I motioned for him to take a seat next to my table. His unexpected movement made me stiffen while I was applying Matricaria recutita to his wounds. He slipped a few of my hair strands behind my ear. \"You're so gorgeous, Amanda,\" he chuckled as he whispered in my ear. That made me feel giddy on the inside, but I don't want him to know. \"I know, right?\" I said. I kept dressing his wound and wrapped it with bandages. When I was finished, I excused myself by stating I was tired, and Crisanto mouthed a \"thank you.\" I dashed to my room, and when I shut the door, I felt a sense of relief. Although Crisanto and I weren't very close, he had that effect that made my knees wobble. I admit that I was drawn to him because of his appearance, but his personality is just my kind. Even though I've met other men like him, he just hits me in a new way. I moved my gaze across my room until it came to a halt on my bed, which looked so fluffy and inviting that I jumped on it. The comfort of the mattress made me sigh, and I was tired after a few minutes. Our encounter exhausted me, so I decided to follow my body's lead and retire. Weeks and months have passed, and my bond with Crisanto has grown stronger. Our exchanges led me to believe that I had finally made a friend. We felt at ease enough to ask one another personal questions and inform each other about what had happened over the day. A day had arrived when I developed a fever. I tried to hide it, but Crisanto could tell I was sick. This incident worried my father since he believes it was the first time I became ill. That could be true because I was skilled at hiding things as a youngster. I don't want my father to be concerned because I assumed that if I became a burden, he would abandon me. And in the past, I'd only need to take a nap and I'd be fine the next morning. 74

My father made certain that I stayed in my room for the entire three days. He forbade me from going to the library or even reading books. I was bored because I didn't have anything to do. Even though I needed to sleep, I couldn't stop myself from reading some stories. Reading comes as naturally to me as breathing. Someone knocked and opened the door as I was nearing the end. I hastily concealed myself and my book beneath my sheets. I heard someone chuckle and knew who it was right away. \"You are truly obstinate. You're so informed about health, I'm sure you'd know that you truly need to rest,\" Crisanto lectured. I had a feeling! He noticed me hiding my reading and myself behind the sheets. That thought made me want to burrow myself even deeper. I lowered the linen after a few seconds of stillness and saw him holding a tray with a bowl. \"Were you the one who cooked that?\" I said, my face bewildered as to what it was. \"It's congee, and it was made by your father. He looks strange with an apron,\" he giggled as he approached the table near my bed. \"You should eat before taking your medication,\" he added. He insisted on being the one to feed me because I was unwell. I challenged him by asking if he was my parent or nurse. \"I am neither of the two, but I am someone who cares about you. So please allow me to feed you. I wouldn't go out till you finish this and take your medicines,\" he added, pouting at the conclusion. He's so adorable that I wanted to pinch his cheeks, but I refrained. The congee tasted normal, but the image of my father cooking for the first time warmed my heart. Despite the fact that he is not my biological parent, he genuinely cares for me and would always be preferable to those who rejected me. It made me sad that I didn't know why my parents had abandoned me. Where were they not prepared? Thousands of questions would always race through my mind as I grew older. But I've already learned to accept things as they are for the time being. I am grateful to my parents for bringing me into this world, and I believe that if they had not left me, I would not have met my father, Ernesto. I believe my younger self would be pleased to know that since then, she has achieved parental love. I didn't realize I was crying until Crisanto wiped my tears away. He gave me a soothing glance, and I responded with a smile that couldn't reach my eyes. He got to his feet and placed the bowl in the tray. He presented me with the pill and a glass of water. He assisted me in getting into bed and covered me with linens. He switched on the nightlight. He looked at me solemnly before planting a kiss on my brow. \"Good night, Amanda,\" he said before switching off the main light and closing the door to my room. 75

I can't sleep despite the fact that it's been a few minutes. My heart appears to be trying to escape from my ribs. I was able to realize something at that time. Crisanto has captured my heart. Days had gone by, and I'm sure I was smitten with this particular soldier. My birthday is approaching, and I promised myself that this would be the occasion for me to express my sentiments. I have a hunch Crisanto likes me even a little bit, and even if he doesn't, I'll do my best to win his heart. The day I've been looking forward to has finally arrived. My father organized a party in our mansion, and the entire community was invited. Despite my suggestion that we have a more intimate supper, he insisted on lavishly celebrating my birthday this time. I went outside our house seeking Crisanto. After a few seconds, I noticed him tying his shoes and getting ready to go outside. \"Good morning, Crisanto, where are you going?,\" I inquired, scanning his features. Despite the fact that I see him virtually every day, I can't help but admire his sculpted face. \"I'm going to pick up some individuals from my hometown,\" he said. \"They came to this village because ours appears to be affected by the war,\" he continued. I nodded and asked if I might accompany him, to which he said, \"absolutely.\" We talked about a variety of topics while walking. I can't help but worry if we were to marry in the future if we would still be chatting like this. A chat in which it appears that our themes will never end. He abruptly came to a stop, and I observed that we were already reaching the village's entrance. When I got in front of him, I observed a stunned expression on his face. I looked in the direction he was looking and noticed someone walking by, who hugged him. \"I was missing you, Crisanto. You should see how huge my tummy is already. Were you astounded? I'm seven months pregnant!\", cried a woman as she gently rubbed her stomach. I stared at Crisanto, but I couldn't make out what he was showing on his face. \"I'm Belinda, Crisanto's soon-to-be wife,\" the lady said as she extended her hand for a handshake, jolting me out of my trance. With a blank expression, I shook it. Belinda, you say? Her name is appropriate for her because she is a pretty lady. \"I—I have to leave because I have an appointment with someone. Belinda, I hope you enjoy your stay in our village. See you later, C— crisanto.\" I stuttered a little, but I convinced myself that it was fine. 76

I ran into our mansion, and when I finally got into my room, all the feelings I'd been suppressing burst forth. I was furious with Crisanto. I'm sure he knew I liked him, but he never informed me he had a girlfriend in his hometown! Was he having fun with toying my feelings? I was also furious with myself! How could I have been so naive as to believe I had a chance with that soldier? I just created a bubble of my delusions, which shattered when I discovered he had a pregnant lover. The thought of myself as a homewrecker made me cry even harder. If Crisanto developed an affection for me, he might pick me over his wife and child. But that's not what I'm looking for! I don't want any more children to be abandoned by their parents. My plans to confess to him had been scrapped the moment I found out he was going to have a family. I don't want to be the antagonist in their own love tale. Although my love for him is intense, it cannot be strong enough to destroy someone else's love. My definition of love would never be that self-centered. My love is somewhere between holding on and letting go. And this time I made the decision to let go. It's difficult to let go of someone you love, but it's much more difficult to hold on to someone who doesn't feel the same way you do. The party went off without a hitch, and I didn't even see Crisanto or Belinda there. I appeared so pleased as they sang and greeted me, but I don't think anyone in that mansion, not even my father, realized how dead I was on the inside. I expected it to be my biggest love this time, and it was. But I had no idea it would also be my worst grief. Weeks have gone and there has been minimal interaction between Crisanto and I, which I am grateful for because it was assisting me in moving on. I'm sure I'm not totally healed, but I'll keep going until I can finally be pleased for him without resentment. Until I can finally face the thought of him being loved by a woman who isn't me. Someone opened the door to the library one day while I was inside, and I was astonished to find it was Belinda. Her tummy appears to be larger now, so I went over to help her. I sat on the couch to support her. \"What brings you here, Belinda? Have you been enjoying your time in the village?\" I inquired, a genuine smile on my face. \"Let me be frank, I know there's something going on between you and Crisan—\" she abruptly stopped when I answered, \"There's nothing going on between us, Belinda. I adored Crisanto and had convinced myself that he would reciprocate my feelings. That's it,\" I chuckled, but she was dead serious. \"There may be nothing between you, Amanda, but I sensed it. Crisanto has changed,\" she said, which perplexed me. 77

\"I was watching you two converse the day Crisanto came to get me. He never seemed so happy when he was with me,\" she stated sadly, which made me feel guilty. \"I know Crisanto would choose me, Amanda—\" Although her words were truthful, they pricked my heart a little. \"—due to his principles. If I wasn't pregnant, I believe he would abandon me. In every place we go, his eyes wander as if he’s finding someone important. Every time I see you and look at Crisanto, I see him looking at you with such longing,\" she sobbed, and it all felt like my fault. Why do I fall in love with someone who has already been paired with Cupid? His arrows will never strike me and Crisanto, no matter how much I prayed to Him. I firmly grip her hands, promising her that everything would be well. \"So I'm pleading with you, Amanda. If Crisanto chooses you, please always inform him that he is the father of a kid. Amanda, I don't want my child to grow up without a father. It's fine with me if Crisanto never loves me again, but please, please, please make sure he's a father figure to my baby,\" she sobs so hard that all my repressed feelings come to the surface. My tears begin to fall slowly, and my heart feels as if someone is squeezing it out. \"I am confident that Crisanto will pick you, Belinda. I am not that selfish, and if he does choose me, I apologize. I won't be able to love him the same way knowing you'll be crying. I'd already decided to let go, and—\" Suddenly, there was an explosion, and we came to a halt. I stood up and glanced out the window, where I noticed a large fire near the heart of the village. I encouraged Belinda to leave the library. We observed my father placing some firearms in his pocket, and for the first time, his worried eyes gazed at me. \"The Japanese army has launched an attack on our village, Amanda. You should go as soon as possible with Belinda.\" It felt like it was the last time I'd see him, so my emotions flowed as I ran to hug him. \"Stay safe, Papa,\" I whispered. \"That's the first time you've addressed me in that manner. Of course, baby,\" he says, rubbing my head. When I stared at him again, he mouthed \"I love you\" before hurrying out of the mansion. I started to grab Belinda's arm, but she firmly refused. \"I'm going to stay here. Please look for Crisanto, as I have a selfish request. He's staying in the house where you used to study. Please tell him to come here,\" I looked at her, trying to persuade her to leave, but her eyes told me she had made up her mind. I nodded and dashed to where Belinda had directed me. The house's light was turned on, so I knew someone was inside. I was cautious until I arrived at the window and saw the physique of the man I loved. I dashed to the door and flung it open. What astonished me was that he pointed a gun at me, which surprised him as well. When he realized it was me, he lowered it. 78

\"I didn't think you'd come here,\" he says, continuing to reload ammo in his guns. I realized that I genuinely missed him and that I hadn't moved on, but it occurred to me that now is not the time to reminisce about the past. \"Belinda wants you to come with us to escape—,\" he interjected. \"I am a soldier, Amanda, and I would fight for us, I mean our country.\" He looked me in the eyes and handed me a gun. \"Please keep yourself, Belinda, and our baby safe, Amanda. I apologize if I haven't told you that I left a girlfriend in my village. I had intended to end things with her, but I couldn't because I knew she was pregnant. I love you so much, Amanda,\" he sobs as he caresses my face. \"But my love for Belinda and our child is something I couldn't let go of. I'm sorry,\" he said as tears streamed down his cheeks. I took the gun and looked at him with admiration. \"It's all right, Crisanto. I get what you mean. Your love for me became my purpose in life. It gave me a sense of what being free means. You helped me realize that loving someone should be freeing, in the sense that you are always ready to let go,\" I grumbled. \"I just hope you'll make it through and be reunited with your family.\" He tried to kiss my brow, but I pulled him away. \"Stay careful, Crisanto,\" I whispered as I ran back to the mansion, not looking back. When I heard Belinda yelling, I prepped my revolver, but as soon as I saw her clutching her stomach, I drew it. I had a feeling she was about to give birth. I positioned her in the room near the stairwell and encouraged her to push. A baby boy was born after several hours of labor. I used a cloth to wipe the baby and calm him down because he was wailing. \"Belinda, your baby —,\" my mouth dropped open when I noticed Belinda's eyes were closed. Her chest wasn't moving, so I tried to take her pulse, and that's when I realized she wasn't breathing anymore. Another explosion was heard, which made the baby cry even louder. Outside the door, I heard a lot of commotion and spotted two Japanese- looking people. It terrified me that this was finally my time, but then I remembered Crisanto. The one who made me feel various kinds of love. And it was at this point that I realized it was time for me to show my different kinds of love. A love that protects. I cautiously yanked on the doorknob and flung it open. I opened it silently and grabbed the revolver on the floor. 79

A love that kills. The Japanese soldiers were taken off guard and attempted to draw their weapons, but the adrenaline rush in me allowed me to shoot both of them consecutively. When I returned to the room, I realized I wouldn't be able to bury Belinda. I prayed over her, covering her entire body with white linens. I went looking for the infant, and he seemed to be sleeping. I dashed out the door and around the back of our mansion. When I noticed a group of Japanese soldiers, I crouched near a tree so they wouldn't see us. Some of the soldiers dispersed, while one man remained to scan the area. His flashlight was so close to where we were hiding. A love that makes you a demon. My cue to shoot the soldier’s head came when I was able to cover the baby's ear. It made a sound, and I'm sure others could hear it. I sped along the river, surrounded by trees. A love that makes you look like a fool. I strolled barefoot on top of the river and the stones. I can't feel my feet, but I need to move forward for my own safety as well as the baby. I remembered his father as I stared at the baby. Oh, the things that love compelled me to do. A love that inspires you to live. The sun is finally rising after 10 hours of trudging. I noticed a wagon loaded with various fruits. There were farmers nearby who appeared to be harvesting. They were shouting at me because I was close to it. I’m not sure if I’m hallucinating or not but I tried my best to go to that place. I could feel myself collapsing but before my body fell, I made certain that the baby's body was protected. Before losing consciousness, I was finally able to realize that my and Crisanto’s life wasn’t a love story but rather a story of love. I just hope that my love for this child is the greatest kind of love that I wasn’t able to give to his father, A love that lasts forever. 80

meHomeHo by Lovelaine I. Pasildo “Kaiya, are you home?” The usual question I hear on every phone call with my aunt. \"I’m still here at school, tita. They have soccer practice today; I’d like to watch.\" I answered. Dami kayang pogi sa field; babae rin ako, kailangan ko rin ng kilig sa katawan. \"Since when did you have an interest in soccer? Ayaw mo na naman bang umuwi? Sabi ko na sa ‘yo, dito ka na lang sa ‘kin sa Poland. I will help you study here. Kaysa nagtitiis ka diyan sa inyo.” She explained, slightly raising her voice. I can imagine her brows furrowed in both worry and confusion. I can’t blame her; she knows I’m not fond of soccer, yet I’m doing this to refrain from going home. \"Tita—\" I was cut short by a sudden force in my back that caused me to lose my balance, probably from a ball. As blister-like pain crept through my system, I couldn’t endure any longer. The last scenario I remembered is that I was being carried by someone who wears a soccer uniform, a person I didn’t even know. I was calmed in the infirmary. Because I have a large bruise on my back, the nurse insisted that I sit on the stretcher while she pressed a hot compress against my back. I allowed her to do that while I was grasping my broken phone. Its screen was filled with cracks; it may function a little, but it’s hard to do so. It might have been thrown pretty hard. \"I’m sorry.\" A voice from the doorway caught my attention. I saw a guy wearing a soccer uniform, maybe the same guy who brought me here. I was about to go near him when he suddenly ran away. I got the urge to go after him, but the nurse wouldn’t let me. Gosh, a ball accident isn’t enough to cause me a bruise this huge. \"You can go home now.\" The nurse told me a few moments later. 81

I sighed with both relief and hesitation, \"here we go again, going home.\" I tried to gather myself as I exited the infirmary. I was still concerned about everything that just happened. I wanted to find the guy and explain to him, and I also wanted to go to the store to buy a new phone. But I come to the realization that it’s getting really late already. As much as I don’t want to go home, I need to. \"You bitch, whore! Going home this late?! You're just like your mom.\" I felt too much pain in my scalp as my hair was being pulled really hard. I still haven’t processed the pain when I’m suddenly pushed against the wall. I shouted in immense pain as I felt my back tighten. \"Not my face, dad. Please.\" I pleaded when I saw that he was about to slap me. It’s hard to cover up if he leaves a bruise on my face. It takes him about ten minutes before he lets go. I catch my breath as I try to endure everything. This is something I will never get used to. \"Shh, Kaiya. It will be over soon. Kaiya-ng kaya mo iyan.” I console myself as I try to stifle my sobs. I had a hard time walking to my room, but I still managed to do so. Just like every freaking day. \"Why are you not working? Uh! Please work.\" I said out of frustration as I tried to type on my phone. I didn’t get to update my aunt about what happened last night since I dozed off the moment I laid down in bed. She must be so worried. \"Here. I’m really sorry.” I saw the same man from yesterday leave a brand new phone in front of me. When he tried to leave, I stopped him by holding onto the edge of his uniform. \"Wait. It's not because of you.\" He looked at me with confusion, so I explained further. \"I know there’s been an accident in the field that caused me to break my phone and triggered the pain in my back. But the bruise? It’s not because of it. I got it somewhere else. Anyway, I appreciate the phone compensation. I really need this.\" I said, assuming he would leave after listening to what I had to say. I began to open the phone's packaging, but he remained motionless, just staring. \"You got a bruise? I'm curious, if it’s not because of the accident, where did you get it?\" He said. \"It’s a long story.\" I continued unwrapping the phone’s packaging until I opened it. I've already updated my auntie; I've gone over the functions of the phone he gave me, yet he's still here with me. Okay, now it’s getting weird. 82

\"Uh, do I have to introduce myself?\" I hesitantly asked. \"I’m Gino Luntero. What about your name?\" He said it plainly. I can’t even sense what he’s feeling. \"It’s Kaiya.\" I answered, still confused. A full awkward minute of silence passed before he finally spoke again. \"Your name sounds like my mom’s—Kiara. The person I admire and despise at the same time.\" \"Okay, where is this conversation going?\" I whispered to myself. But I just shrugged it off; I was a bit intrigued by what he was saying. \"She was a very goal-oriented person; she was always preoccupied with making titles for herself. She provided everything for me, and I admire her for raising me alone ever since my dad passed away due to a terminal disease. She has supported me in everything I pursue and even bought me a private jet when she learned that I want to become a pilot. My mom even built a huge mansion for the both of us. I hate her for that. Why build a house that big when she’s rarely home? It doesn’t feel like home after all.\" I sighed, feeling mixed emotions. I don’t know if I envy him for having those moments with her mom or empathize the feeling of going home when it doesn’t feel like one. \"Mine doesn’t feel like home too. My mom cheated on my dad and left with another man when I was just an infant. I only got to see her in pictures because her mere presence enrages my father. The irony is that I resemble her, which is why our home is seem to be filled with equipment to be spank against me. That's why I have this bright purple bruise on my back. This face reminds him of his experience, I guess. But I'm fine, everything is fine.\" I was just staring somewhere far as I elaborated on those. I didn’t realize I was shaking until he patted both of my shoulders. The last thing I knew, I was being embraced by someone I just knew by name. If this were a normal day, I would have beaten this man up like my dad beat me. But instead, I cried. I cried my lungs out. Why? Why does it have to be like this? All this time, I thought I wasn’t affected. I always believe I understand. I didn’t leave my dad because he’s the only family I have and the only family I shared a home with. Maybe home is not a thing after all. Home is nothing but two hands holding you tight when you’re at your worst. \"Kaiya!\" I came to a halt as I heard my name called. \"How is the activity from a while ago? I heard you dressed yourself as a lawyer. I became a pilot.\" Gino said, beaming. 83

\"Yes, so I’m able to defend other people but not myself.\" I said, trying to smile a little, \"I'm kidding.\" I added but he doesn’t seem to like the joke. \"Aye, aye, captain! I saw you a while ago. I even took pictures of you, look.\" I showed him the photos on my phone to deflect the topic. \"Woah, wait. That’s still your phone? It's been a decade since I gave you that.\" He said, obviously joking. \"Grabe sa decade, years lang naman. We're almost there na pala. You want to stop by the store near our house? I want some street food today; I’ll treat you too!\" I laughed when I saw him smile. He's far too wealthy to be delighted by free street food. We continued walking until we reached the store. He immediately got his cup and skewer to get himself some, and I got myself some too before he devoured everything. I didn’t keep track of time, for I was distracted by enjoyment when a familiar car stopped in front of us. I felt the same nervousness I always felt—it’s dad. I knew what was about to happen. \"Get inside.\" My dad said it with authority. I went inside the car, preparing myself for the scenario I’ve always encountered. Shortly, I felt myself being tossed against something hard, allowing me to fall on the ground. A sudden pang in my whole body makes me lose all my capabilities. I felt a liquid drip from my head as my sight went blurry and it went all dark. “I’ve expected this, but I didn’t expect it will be this worst.” The last thing I whispered before I lose consciousness. I woke up to the sound of beeping from the machine beside me. I saw the blurry sight of a lady with tears in her eyes. As I gain my sense of hearing, she cries out in happiness, finally realizing that I’m awake. \"Auntie? You're in the Philippines?\" I asked. \"No, Kaiya. You're in Poland.\" I was confused for a moment then it hit me with all the realizations. I’ve been in a coma for months; my auntie processed everything just to take me away from Dad. Dad has been so cruel to me all my life that he has to face the consequences for that. 84

Distance means different things from every person’s point of view. Being away from the house where I used to live with my dad is a relief for me. It causes me to cope with everything I have encountered, although it took me years to moved past that. Gave me the courage to prevent people from experiencing what I have. Taking a lawyer’s oath after passing the bar is a starting point for me. I might have come so far, but I still feel this hollow in my chest every time I stand in the doorway; there’s something that still makes me feel homesick—Gino Luntero. \"Hello, this is Captain Luntero speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, we just landed at Ninoy Aquino International Airport. Cebu Pacific Air welcomes you to Manila. On behalf of Cebu Pacific Airlines and the entire crew, I’d like to thank you for joining us on this trip, and we are looking forward to seeing you on board again in the near future. Have a nice day!” The announcement brought me back to my senses; he never fails to catch me off guard. \"And one more thing… welcome home, Attorney Kaiya.” He added to the landing announcement. I smiled with sincerity as I felt the warmth once again; I’ve longed for that voice. \"Yes, my Captain Gino. You're here; now I’m finally home.\" I whispered. 85

Kalam by Joe Vincent M. Fernandez Kasabay ng pag-andar ng mga sasakyang hindi ko mabilang at ng mga paang magagara ay ang pagkalam ng sikmura ng kapatid kong si Makoy. Sa ilalim ng tulay nananahan ang aming pagod na mga katawan mula sa maghapong panlilimos at pangangalakal sa lansangan ng Maynila. Mahina, marumi, at iniluwal ng kalsada — ilan lamang ‘yan sa pagkilala ng mga taong naririnig kong umiiwas sa amin sa tuwing kami’y naglalakad o nakahiga sa kalye. Alas-osto na ng gabi nang nagising mula sa mahimbing na pagkakatulog ang aking nag-iisang kapatid. “Kuya, gutom na gutom na ako,” ang angal sa akin ng kapatid ko na ngayo’y dalawang araw nang walang laman ang tiyan. “Oo, sandali lang. Maghahanap lang ako ng pagkain d’yan sa tabi,” sagot ko nang may pag-aalinlangan dahil hindi ko naman talaga alam kung saan ako makahahanap ng kakainin namin o niya man lang. Sa aking paglalakad sa kahabaan ng Recto ay nakita ko ang grupo ng mga kabataang masayang naghahapunan sa kanilang balwarte. Sila itong busog sa pagmamahal at barya ng mga estrangherong kanilang tinutulungan o ‘di kaya’y pinagsisilbihan. Matatangkad, brusko, at higit na maliliksi ang kanilang mga pangangatawan kumpara sa akin. Nagpatuloy ako sa paghahanap ng hapunan. Hindi ko na napansin ang oras ngunit alas-diyes singkwenta na pala ayon sa orasan sa karinderya pero wala pa rin akong nahahanap na pagkain para sa aming magkapatid dahil ang mga basurahan sa mga kainan ay wala nang laman. Marahil ay dahil nakuha na ito ng mga kapwa ko taong-lansangan. Muli akong sumulyap sa karinderyang nadaanan ko. Maraming mga tao ang kumakain dito kahit tapos na ang oras ng hapunan ng karamihan. Adobong pusit, menudo, pritong galunggong, pakbet, at pritong manok ang ilan lamang sa mga pagkaing nakahain na sigurado akong magugustuhan ni Makoy at ng tiyan kong dalawang araw nang walang laman. Ngunit hindi pa man ako tapos sumulyap sa mga pagkain ay agad akong pinalayas ng tindera. “Hoy! Umalis ka nga rito at baka malugi pa ako dahil sa’yo,” pagtataboy ng masungit na tindera sa akin kasabay ng pandidiri ng mga taong kumakain. 86

Umuwi akong walang dalang pang-hapunan para sa aming dalawang magkapatid nang mapadaan ako sa isang pamilyar na eskinita. Mabilis ang aking paglalakad dahil sa mga napapabalitang gulo sa dinaraanan ako nang may biglang sumitsit sa akin sa gilid ng madilim na gusali. Nagpanggap akong walang narinig at nagpatuloy maglakad ngunit bigla niya akong inakbayan. Hindi ako nanlaban dahil biglang nanlamig ang aking katawan. “Sino po kayo? Ano pong kailangan ninyo sa akin?,” pagal kong tanong sa lalaking matangkad sa aking tagiliran. “Huwag kang maingay. Sumama ka sa akin at may ibibigay ako sa’yo,” sagot niya nang bigla niya akong sinakay sa kaniyang magarang kotse. “Wala po akong pera, boss. Naghahanap lang po ako ng pagkain para sa kapatid ko,” sabi ko sa kaniya bago pa man siya magsalita. “Huwag kang matakot, boy. Hindi ko naman kailangan ng pera. May ibibigay at sasabihin lang ako sa’yo,” sagot niya na agad kong ikinatahimik. Ibibigay? Sasabihin? Sino ba itong lalaking ito at bigla na lang niya akong sinakay sa sasakyan niya? Pulis kaya siya? o taga-DSWD? Ang daming tanong na biglang pumasok sa aking isip dahil sa mabilis na mga pangyayari. Gusto ko mang tumakas pero parang huli na ang lahat. “ Andito na tayo, boy. Lumabas ka na ng kotse at sumunod ka sa akin,” utos niya sa akin na agad ko rin namang sinunod. Natatakot kasi ako sa kaniyang pananamit at hitsura na parang isang tiwalag na alagad ng batas. “Ano bang pangalan mo at bakit gabing-gabi ka na sa kalsada para maghanap ng pagkain? Nasaan ba ang mga magulang mo?,” sunod-sunod niyang pagtatanong sa akin. “Ako po si Marco. Naghahanap lang po ako ng pagkain para sa amin ng kapatid ko. Mag-tatatlong araw na po kasi kaming walang kinakain e,” walang pag-dadalawang isip na sagot ko na pawang ikinabigla niya. “Dise- otso anyos na po ako. Ang nanay at tatay ko naman po ay patay na dahil na-tokhang po sila kaya ako na po ang tumatayong magulang ng kapatid ko,” pagpapatuloy ko na nagpabalik sa akin sa katinuan. Masyado bang naparami ang nasabi ko tungkol sa aking sarili? “Ah gano’n ba, oh eto, dalhin mo sa iyong kapatid pagkatapos mong kumain dito,” at iniabot niya sa akin ang isang supot na naglalaman ng kanin at isang buong listong manok. “Sa amin na lang po ako kakain kasabay ng kapatid ko. Nakakahiya naman po sa inyo at binigyan nyo pa po ako nito e hindi n’yo naman po ako kilala,” kasabay ng pagtanggap ko sa ibinigay niyang pagkain. 87

\"’Wag ka nang mahiya. Dito ka na kumain at may sasabihin din ako sa ‘yo”, na agad kong ikinagulat. Oo nga pala, may sasabihin nga pala s’ya. Muntik ko nang makalimutan. “Huwag ka nang tumanggi dahil hindi ka makakalabas dito nang hindi kumakain. Ako nga pala si Houston, tawagin mo na lang akong kuya Ton kung gusto mo,” malugod niyang pagpapakilala sa akin bago siya umupo sa mesa. Umupo na rin ako pagkatapos kong maghugas ng kamay dahil nakakahiya sa kaniya na naka-suit pa na halatang may-ari ng isang kumpanya. Nasa magkabilang dulo kami ng hapag nang mag-kwento siya ng mga bagay tungkol sa kaniya. Mula sa kaniyang pag-kukwento at napag-alaman kong Houston Ramos ang tunay niyang pangalan. Siya raw ay dati ring batang lansangan na napadpad sa Maynila galing sa Zambales. Anak siya ng isang kanong sundalo at ang nanay naman niya ay isang G.R.O. Dagdag pa niya na maaga pa lang ay namulat na siya sa hirap ng buhay kaya nang mamatay ang kaniyang nanay at lisanin sila ng kaniyang tatay ay umalis siya ng kanilang probinsya at nagsimulang makipagsapalaran sa Maynila. Sa edad na labing-lima ay nagsimula siyang magtrabaho sa iba’t-ibang dako ng lungsod hanggang sa maging palaboy sa mga lansangan ng Maynila na naging dahilan upang makilala niya ang matandang milyonaryo at may-ari ng isang sikat na casino sa Makati na si Don Demetrio. Nagtrabaho siya sa ilalim nito sa loob ng mahigit sampung taon hanggang sa ito’y mamatay at ipamana ang lahat ng yaman sa kaniya. Napag-alaman ko rin na siya pala ay tatlumpong taong-gulang na ngunit hindi mahahalata dahil sa maamo niyang mukha at katawan na parang tatlo o limang taon lang ang agwat sa akin. Humanga ako sa kaniyang kwento ngunit hindi ko ito maaaring ipakita dahil nahihiya pa rin ako sa kaniya. Sinabi n’ya rin na sa tuwing napapadaan ako sa harap ng kaniyang gusali ay agad niyang sinasabi sa mga tauhan niya na bigyan ako ng pagkain. “Luis, sabihin mo sa baba na bigyan ng pagkain ‘yong bata sa labas at kapag tinanong ka kung kanino galing, ‘wag mo nang sagutin,” utos ni sir Houston sa kaniyang tauhan. “Opo, sir,” sagot ng kaniyang tauhan bago ito lumabas ng kwarto. Nang sinabi niya ang mga salitang iyon ay bigla kong naalala ang mga pagkakataong binibigyan ako ng pagkain ng mga tauhan ng isang tagong gusali sa kahabaan ng lansangan ng Aguilar. Hindi ko maalala ang eksaktong pangalan ng gusali dahil hindi naman ito pinupuntahan ng mga tao dahil sa pagka-liblib at kalumaan nito pero natatandaan ko ang lokasyon nito ngunit hindi na ako madalas dumadaan doon dahil na rin sa nagkalat na mga grupo ng kabataan na palaging nag-aaway. Tumaas lalo ang paghanga ko sa kaniya dahil sa mga sinabi niya. 88

“Maraming salamat, sir Houston. Kayo po pala ang nag-uutos no’n. Hindi ko man lang po kayo napasalamatan nang personal,” saad ko nang may ngiti at konting hiya sa mukha. “Huwag mo na akong tawaging “sir”. Hindi pa naman ako ganoon katanda pero walang anuman. Alam ko ang mga pinagdaraanan mo kaya ang pagtulong ko ay isang normal na bagay lamang, kaya kung may problema ka, puntahan mo lang ako dito o dun sa pinupuntahan mo sa Aguilar,” sagot niya sa akin na lubos na ikinatuwa ng aking puso. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Siguro dahil mabait lang siya. “May dungis po ba ako sa mukha, sir Houston?,” tanong ko sa kaniya matapos kong makita ang mukha niyang hindi ko alam kung natatawa o masaya lang talaga. “Wala naman, unang beses kasi ito na may kasabay akong mag-hapunan at nakakatuwa lang na ang gana mo kumain,” sagot niya na ikinahiya ko. Alam kong namula ang pisngi ko dahil sa sinabi niya kaya tumingin na lang ako sa aking kinakain. “Ahh, sir Houston, bakit n’yo po ako binibigyan ng pagkain noon at tinulungan ako ngayon kahit hindi n’yo naman po ako kilala?,” pagtatanong ko sa kaniya habang nakatingin sa aking pinggan dahil nahihiya pa rin ako at natatakot sa maaaring maging reaksyon niya sa tanong ko. “Natutuwa kasi ako sa’yo at ‘di ba sabi ko, alam ko ang pinagdaraanan mo dahil dinanas ko rin ‘yan? Bakit, ayaw mo na ba kitang tulungan,” pabalik niyang tanong na nagpa-tunghay sa akin. “Ahh, eh hindi naman po sa ganoon, sir Housto-,” ngunit bago pa man ako matapos ay nagsalita siya, “Kuya Ton,” aniya. “Ahh, eh hindi naman po sa ganoon, kuya Ton. Nagulat lang po ako na may mga tao po pala gaya ninyo na kayang tumulong sa iba kahit hindi nila kakilala o kaano-ano,” pagtatapos ko sa aking sinasabi. “Oo naman. Hindi naman lahat ng tao sa kalsada pare-pareho. Tulad mo, mabait ka sa kapatid mo at sa iba, masipag, at responsable, kaya naman may mga taong natutuwa at gustong tumulong sa’yo,” sambit niya bago ilapag ang kubyertos at tumayo sa kinauupuan nito na aakmang palapit sa akin. “Sige po, uuwi na po ako, sir, ah este kuya Ton. Maraming salamat po ulit sa pagkain. Kung mayroon po akong magagawa para suklian po ang tulong niyo, gagawin ko po ang lahat. Sabihin n’yo lang po. Maraming salamat po ulit,” tarantang pagpapaalam ko sa kaniya na nag-iwan ng ngiti sa kaniyang mukha. Dinampot ko ang supot na bigay niya at saka lumabas ng kaniyang tirahan. Habang naglalakad pauwi ay hindi ko maalis sa aking isipan ang mukha at kabaitan ni kuya Houston. Siguro tama siya, may mga tao pang likas ang kabutihan. 89

Nakarating ako sa lugar na huli kong pinag-iwanan kay Makoy nang may dalang pasalubong sa kaniya. Sa tingin ko ay matutumbasan nito ang halos tatlong araw na pagkagutom namin. Tinawag ko na siya para kumain ngunit mahimbing ang kaniyang pagkakatulog. Pinuntahan ko na siya upang gisingin lalo ngunit napansin kong hindi na siya humihinga. Malamig ang kaniyang buong katawan. Agad akong humingi ng tulong sa mga taong dumaraan sa ilalim ng tulay para dalhin ang kapatid ko sa ospital ngunit wala ni isa ang nagbigay ng tulong sa akin. Akala siguro nila ay istilo namin ito para sila ay nakawan o saktan. Sa mga oras na iyon ay nawala ang aking pag-asa sa kabutihan ng tao ngunit sa halip na magalit ay agad akong humanap ng pedicab para isugod ang kapatid ko sa ospital. Nang marating ko ang ospital ay agad na ipinasok ang kapatid ko sa emergency room ngunit wala pang limang minuto ay idineklara na ng doktor na binawian na siya ng buhay. Sa balitang iyon ay hindi ko lubos na mawari ang tamang ekspresyon o damdamin. Gusto kong umiyak, magalit, at magwala pero hindi ko magawa dahil sa pag-alala ko sa laging paalala ng kapatid ko na, “Kuya, dapat masaya ka lang lagi ha.” Hindi ako natulog buong gabi dahil sa pagpanaw ng natitira kong kapamilya. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Wala akong pambayad sa ospital o pagpapalibing sa kaniya. Gusto ko siyang bigyan ng disenteng libing ngunit ni piso ay wala ako. Sa aking pag-iisip ay bigla kong naalala si kuya Houston at ang pagkaing ibinigay niya para sa kapatid ko. Kaya agad akong nagtungo sa aming bahay upang kunin ang supot na binigay niya at nagtungo sa kaniyang bahay. “Magandang umaga po, nand’yan po ba si sir Houston?,” tanong ko sa gwardya ng bahay. Hindi ako sinagot ng gwardya at tinawagan niya ang isa sa mga tauhan ng taong tumulong sa akin. “Pumasok ka, nasa loob si sir,” walang emosyong paanyaya sa akin ng matangkad na tauhan. Pumasok ako sa loob ng bahay at nadatnan ko siyang naglalaro ng chess sa kaniyang balkonahe. “Anong mayroon? Bakit naparito ka? May problema ba?,” usisa niya matapos makita ang pawisan at balisa kong pangangatawan. Hindi na ako nag-dalawang isip pa at agad kong sinabi sa kaniya ang nangyari. Hindi ko na namalayan na unti-unti na palang pumatak ang aking mga luha habang siya ay papalapit sa akin. Hinagkan niya ako sa kaniyang bisig at pinaupo. “Ako na ang bahala sa lahat basta sa isang kondisyon,” aniya na nagpabalik sa aking sarili. 90