SDA Kinship - CONNECTION - April/May 1991

@NreTI@NS D A K NSH PA Publication of seventh-day Adventist Gay Men and Lesbians and their Friends April/May 1991 Volume '15 Number 4WE,RE ALL AROUND i:i.. :;::1r; .;iA;# ii:.r#i ) )Gay Seuenth-day Aduentists in Mission SeruiceBy David Rodgers * had gone as student missionaries. These members represent at least11 was a student missionary to.,.\" six Adventist colleges. Some chose \"Wile I was seraing as a student mis- not to use thcir real names in this sionnry...\" story, to protect the closeted; all \"And then I went as a student mis- shared personal thoughts about sionnry...\" their time of service. These are their stories, their thoughts. Eacn ysaR during personal story J-\-t time at Kampmeeting, those phras- es keep reoccurring. This past sum- \"Student Missionary.\" For many mer I did an informal poll at people, those words conjure up Kampmeeting. I asked everyone ideas of valiantly serving in a for- who had attended an Adventist eign country, visions of travel to College for two or more years to exotic countries, and experiencing stand. Then I asked those standing new cultures. to raise their hand if they had gone But those who have served re- as a student missionary. Half of collect memories of a harsh reality. those standing raised their hands. Many Kinship members remember While this doesn't mean half of thoughts of loneliness, trying to student missionaries are homosexu- deal with their gayness in a situa- als, it does imply that there are tion where they can't share their more gay and lesbian students serv- feelings with anyone. ing than the church realizes. And Many student missionaries had these students are often just starting already dealt with their orientation to deal with their sexual orientation, before they left the states. \"I knew I usually in an environment that dis- was gay before I went to Korea,\" courages any such personal study. related Wes perry, Region 6 co- In preparing this article I inter- viewed 18 Kinship members who SeeMissionaries,page3

SDAKINSHIP D ear Reader, CON\ECTION By Kevin G. Richards * Connection Editor A Monthly Publication of Seventh-day Adventist hen statistics are unavailable, theories abound-and this Gay Men and Lesbians and Their Friends month we are exploring one of them: Do a high percentage of gay Seventh-day Adventist students serve as student Editorial Board missionaries? Editor in Chief KavrN G. Rrcnnnps Based on what we observe, the answer is yes. To research this Associate Editor Geny SrnnsBps month's cover story, vice president David Rodgers interviewed a num- Distribution Manager RonsnrFopncrr ber of Kinship's members to learn about their experiences. Several for- mer student missionaries said they took the challenge in part to get Contributing Editor Hel Jonn Contributing Editor LanRy Flauocr closer to God. But--contrary to what we expected to find-few went to Contributing Editor LuB Sraxronp purge themselves of terrifying homosexual thoughts or experiences. Kinship Board Members Church ministry has long been a refuge for struggling homosexu- President MencB Doylr als. Fortunately, today we. know that God loves gay people too, that Vice President D.lvrn Roncnns the Bible doesn't condcmn homosexuality, and that gay people can be Interim Seoetary DeRNrll Ssrnnon huppy and be Christians too. Treasurer Tolry Aoevs Listen to what these former student missionaries have to tell us. Their search for God, and its relationship to their scxual orientation, Connection Editor KrvrN G. RlcnaRns may be ours too. Cod can be found in many places, but in service most of all-|esus said, \"lnasmuch as ye have done it to the least of Public Relations Dpuurs Davrs these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.\" Church Liaison L,qRny FlaLlocx Women's Coordinator Knrs PrRlnnnc Copies of this month's issue of the Connection are being sent to Information Services Bnucu KnrleN student missionaries from several Adventist colleges. We hope these Member at Large Ktr BrenosLry stories will also touch the lives of some in mission service who are Member at Large Jecrrr Swvrnroru undoubtedly repeating thc struggles of the past. Our prayers are with Member at Large Joeru D'anc them, and we hope that Cod will use Kinship to help them find Peace. Regional Directors P,S, Going to Kampmeeting? See our irsert for moreint'ormation! lt' the insert is missing, write Knmpmeeting Coordinator, P.O. Box 6476, Port- North Atlantic (1) Bos BoucHenp South Atlantic (2) Devro Roocnns land, OR 97228-6476. Or cnll (50il 452-10L3. Southeastern (3) foNaru,tru Davls @ Copyright 1991. SDA Kinship lnternational is a worldwide support group lor current or for- Great Lakes (4) Bnrrurr Dwrcur mer Seventh-day Adventist gay men and lesbians and their friends. Kinship also provides Great Plains (5) Fr-oyp Poeurrz educational materials and speakers for individuals and groups desiring greater understanding Rocky Mountain (6) WEs Psnny of homosexuality and related issues, and monthly publishes the SDA Kinship Connection, an Pacific Northwest (7) Gnoncr Hpru inspirational and informational journal for its members and friends. The subsoiption rate is Central Pacific (8) Henny WruvorH $24 per year U.S., $15 for additional subscriptions. Subscriber rate outside North America is Pacific Southwest (9) Drvrp Brylrss $10 additional. Canada (10) Davrp Rrcnenosol Letters, articles, pictures, art and other materials are solicited from the Connection read- ership. lnclude your name as you want it published. Some Connectron contributors have cho- SDA Kinship International Inc. sen to remain anonymous. Address all submissions to the editor, Kevin Richards, P.O. Box Box 3840, Los Angeles, CA 90078 2037, Collegedale, TN 37315, or call (6 15) 629-2028. (21,3) 875-2076. TDD (509) 525-0202 The appearance of names, organizations or photographs of persons should not be con-2 strued as any indication of the affectional or sexual orientation of the person named or shown. Opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of SDA Kinship lnternalonal nor of the SDA Kinship Connection stafl. Subscription r€quests and address changes should be sent to SDA Kinship, Box 3840, Los Angeles, CA 90078. The Kinship mailing list is confidential among otficers and staff and is not sold, rented, or exchanged for any purpose. The Connection is a member of the Gay and Lesbian Press Association. *Pseudonyms, where used, are indicated. April/May 7991.

aaa because I was interested in teaching on the ele- Ia ISSrcNfrTrcS mentary level, and bccause I wanted to travetr.Continued ftom page-1. Probably in the back of my mind I thought thisdirector. \"I tried to back out at the last minute, experience could help me deal with my gay-but I was talked into going. My friends and ness. I even dated a girl while I was there.\"family thought I was just getting cold feet.,, Everest, now married and a father, taught for a number of years in the Adventist school sys- tem before changing careers.Wes stayed only two months, and came back Before Jerry Cheney went as a student mis- sionary, a fellow gay student at Atlantichome when one of the full time missionariestried to blackmail him. Union College committed suicide dur- \"When I decided to go as an SM, I was ing spring vacation. This causedhappily on the fence regarding my gayness,,, Cheney to suppress his thinkingcommented Bob Bouchard, former president of about being gay. He went twice asKinship. \"But then before I left,I got involved a student missionary. His first termwith another student, so it was hard to leavehim behind. But he went to Europe, so we was teaching English in Indonesia.would have been separated anyway.,, Two years later he went to Thailand fim Millea who was a theology student at for six months tcaching survivalIValla Walla College, went to Bolivia to pastor English in refugee camps. \"I think in the back of my mind I was hoping to finda church. Looking back now, he thinks he sub- myself, and that's why I went as an SM.\"consciously felt he was making a bargain with Anthony Guthmiller and his wife wentGod: If I serve a year as an SM, you will make from Union College to Indonesia, where heme straight. \"I wish I had known what I was served as the assistant chaplain, assistantdoing, so I could have gotten help, and have director of the school and teacher. He didn'tdealt with my homosexuality in a healthy realize he was gay before he went; he didn'tmannerr\" he said. start studying about gay issues until after he Other students had never dealt with their returned to the United States. He and his wifehomosexuality before they left. \"I didn't evenrealize I was a lesbian when I decided to go as have since divorced.an SM,\" shared fanice Winters*, an Englishmaior from Andrews University who has Bcing gay affectcd the term of scrvice for some student missionaries. Kip Beardsley, this year's Kampmeeting coordinator, was quietlyserved on Kinship's boaid. sent home aftcr his first term when rumors cir-Chris Diamond*, who was a nursing assis- culated about his sexual orientation. \"I thoughttant in a self supporting mission clinic and has that since I felt cornfortable at an Adventistalso served on Kinship's board, agreed: \"If I institution (Walla Walla Collegc) I would feelhad realized I was a lesbian,I probably would comfortable working for the church overseas,\"still have gone to serve. It made me grow up.,, Beardsley said. \"I found the church ovcrscas toKinship Kontact co-editor Paul Wilcox added, be nothing like the American church. It is still\"I knew I was gay, but I hadn't admitted it to very dominated by the church leadership, andmyself yet.\" they are quite closed-minded.\"David Bayless, Region 9 director, left Kip's first roommate in Korca was anotherUnion College to teach English in Indonesia. student who was scnt home early. Matt LyterAt the time he went as a student missionary he says that the screening committee at South-had not yet begun to deal with his homosexu- western Advcntist College knew he was gay,ality. \"I had crushes on some ofrnieintd\"sh, eonscaeido. n.Iat but still voted to approve his appointment. Hefellow SM, but I never acted served for more than a year; and made contactwasn't until a month before graduation that I with Kinship while he was there. When some-finally dealt with being gay.I called a local gay one accused Matt of bcing homosexual, theand lesbian phone line, who told me about Korean leadership dccided to send him homeKinship.\" without allowing him to confront his accuser. David Rodgers isWill Everest* served in a third world coun- Matt, who denies any misdeeds, regrets the Kinship's vicetry, teaching the children of a missionary fam! way the whole matter was handled. president andly. \"I knew I was gay when I went, but I hadn't Other student missionaries report that c00rdinator 0fstarted dealing with it yet. I went primarily being gay was not an issue at all. Former Ic campus outreachSDA Krlsurp CouNrcnoN

I work and the church. I went for service and a Connection associate editor Kent Giacomozzi adventure.\" During her year, her frustration reminisced, \"For many years prior to my intensified, and she ended up coming out to arrival in Thiwan, several male student mis- her parents, who were very supportive. She also talked to two straight women SMs who sionaries ended up marrying the national also gave her encouragement. \"Thking the year girls. This upset the local church leadership. out was good to sort out my priorities.\" They breathed a sigh of relief when I didn,t date at all.\" How did being a student missionary affect these people? About half still attend church While they were serving, many SMs met regularly. But others have left the church. Gia- other gay SMs. Guthmiller says that at least comozzi says, \"While I was an SM I did a lot of half the male student missionaries serving studying. I became more liberal in my think- with him turned out to be gay. Wes perry ing. Coming out became a normal next step in found the same thing to be true. ,,Half of the my life. I grew out of the church.\" eight guys in our house were gay, as well as one of the full time missionaries.,, None regretted going overseas, however. Some students reported having relation- Bob Bouchard said, \"I would go weeks with- ships during their time overseas. Chris Dia- mond and Janice Winters both met their first out a fluent English conversation. We had no lovers while overseas. Winters stayed on in her country with her lover for several years; her phone and no hot water. I caught dysentery and lost 30 pounds. Even so,I'm glad I did it.I former lover has since married. enjoyed the whole cultural aspect.\" Others agreed with Paul Wilcox, who felt \"being an ]oe Miller* served as a nursing assis- tant in a third world country health SM was a positive experience all around.\" clinic. While there he became roman- Cays and lesbians still serve as student tically involved with his roommate. missionaries. Many, just like us, have not yet dealt with their orientation before Ieaving for This former roommate is now service. Others have already acceptcd their homosexuality. Kinship continues to support denominational Iy employed. these students. [IGl Why do gay and lesbian stu- dents serve? Miller expressed his Women's newsletter thoughts. \"Just because someonc is gay Women looking lor a niche may find it in or lesbian doesn't mean they can,t be of lhe Kinship Newsletter for women. Pub- lished by Jackie Summerton of Madison, service to God and serve humanity.\" Miller Wis., the newsletter is available to anyone gave a number of Bible studies whilc hc was who is interested, but especially to Kin- there, and at least four baptisms rcsultcd fronl ship women. his studies. Jackie is doing a great job with this poect, and her seventh issue, hot off the Ciacomozzi adds, \"l think a lot of student press, was quite impressive. lt is format- ted as a series of letters from women in missionaries, especially gay and lcsbian stu- dents, use the student missionary program as the organization who want to keep in a means of escape from dealing with the other touch with each other and share thoughts things in life. They can put the rest of their lifc on hold for a year.\" on lesbianism, God, the Seventh-day Adventist Church, and book reviews. Many student missionaries reported other Future issues will also have pictures ol reasons why they went overseas. Diamond Kinship women. said, \"I wasn't sure of my major, and I just Suggested donation lor a subscription wanted to take some time away from school is $8. Contact Women/Newsletter, c/o Ann Maloney, 1247 E. Mifflin No. 2, Madison, and start developing my independence.,, wr53703. \"I went because of the travel, not because I was gay,\" comments David Gray, former pub- lic relations director for Kinship. ,,I came home and got married.\" It was only Iater that he con- fronted his homosexuality. Sherrie Allen*, who last year served as Kinship's Kampmeeting coordinator, taught high school math and accounting. ,,I wasn,t sure I was a lesbian, but I thought I couldIa change, especially if I buried myself in my April/May 7991

rrrAnd Later that same week, my mom wrote me. Ta Moffi, The letter was honest and painful. With all her happy kids grown and on their own, she said she was belated always prepared to hear some horrible or sad Mother's news about one of her children. She went on to Day say that day had finally arrived when I had told her I was gay (mothers can really makeA coming-out story you feel guilty at times).By Steve A. Ramirez I was hurt of course, but in spite of her never intended to tell dad or mom I was viewing my gayness as something horrible gay on Father's Day, but essentially that's and sad, she also said that she still loved me what happened. I called dad simply to and would never think any less of me for wish him a happy Father's Day-which I being gay. In her sincere, maternal way shedid. Then mom came on the line, and ratherthan go through the same, superficial conver- closed her letter by saying, \"a mother lovessation we usually had, I decided to tell her Iwas gay. Dad happened to overhear the con- her son rcgardless of who he is-simplyversation, so that's how my parents foundout--on Father's Day. because he is her son.\" I'm not too sure I I know. Your first reaction is probably, understood her logic, but because I loved my Steve Ramirez is a\"Ugh, on Father's Day?\" I kind of felt the same mom, I knew she meant it. recent graduate ofway. My gay friends winced a little after I told My dad was dealing with the news in his Pacific Union Col-them when it happened, my non-gay friendswere a little more shocked. As for me, I was own way. He simply didn't acknowledgwhat I lege and now livesrelieved-telling them about me was long said. He has never been the type to verbalize in Palm Deseft,overdue. any troubled feelings-regardless of what they Calif., where he I had wanted to tell my mom for the lastthree years, but just never felt it was the right were. If my mom became argumentative with works as marketingmoment. The thought of telling my dad wasiust that-a thought. After six years of being him, he'd always clam up and simply leave director for aout of the closet, I could no longer stand the the house until she cooled down. If my mom regional shoppingsuperficial conversations I was having with mymom. We had always been so close when I was even asked if he could just \"talk about it,\" mall.growing up. Now, at 25 years old, I felt as if wewere growing further and further apart, and I he'd clam up also.was hating it. I did try talking to my dad about me being gay though. It's rcally funny when I think about it-because here's a fathcr and son who've never even had a remote conver- sation about sex or women, and now the son is trying to talk to his dad about being gay. If you said f'fat chance,\" you're right. So I guess it won't sur- prise you that I didn't get very far. I'm the first to admit that it's painful to see him deal with the news this way. Even though my conversa- tions with my dad never get past how the fam- ily is doing, I've always had a desire to be able to share more with him. Seeing him deny this issue just magnified that need a little more than usual.In some ways,I guess I was hoping this issuc would allow us to really talk. ItSDA Krr.rsnrp CoNrvrcnoN

didn't, and to be honest, if this didn't, I don't think any- to her, she asked me if I was seeing anyone \"special.\" Ithing ever will. was kind of shocked. But since I was seeing someone When I tried talking with him, I found myself fum- special at the time,I said yes.bling for words. \"Did mom talk to you about, uh, the \"Well as long as he's a good Christian fellow,\" wasconversation we had about, uh, me?\" Can you believe it? her reply (she's always been very religious). \"It's very important that we love the Lord.\" There was a Pause,I just couldn't bring myself to say the \"G\" word. I was then a silence, both of us not knowing exactly how togoing to say \"homosexual,\" but I wasn't even sure he respond. All of a sudden she broke in laughing. \"l can't believe I'm talking to my son about a guy he's dating,\"knew what \"heterosexual\" meant. she said. I echoed my mom's sentiments and we contin- ued talking and laughing as if she had known all along Every time I'd try asking, he'd respond with some-thing totally irrelevant-such as, \"it's really nice having that I was gay.your sister here. How's your brother doing?\" I didn't If you're in a state of disbelief, then you know how Ihave the nerve or the heart to try putting my dad on the felt. My mom, as spiritual as she was and at the age ofspot. I felt like I was trying to pin down a drop of oil in a 65, had somehow made the connection that my feelingspan of water. The oil, very much like my dad, just kept for men were as real and legitimate as my brother's feel- ings for women. I finally realized that her professed loveslipping away. But in spite of this, I knew he knew what I of God was more than visible religiosity, it was genuinewas talking about. and unconditional love. Had I not been so shocked, I \"Dad,\" I persisted, \"you need to talk to mom about would have probably cried-because for so many years Ime. I'm your son and you need to know who I am.\" felt like a stranger to her. The funny thing now is that I can't wait to talk with My dad responded again with something totallyirrelevant. I felt frustrated because I couldn't bring her. Instead of talking about how Aunt Maria or Unclemyself to say, \"Dad, listen to me. I'm homosexual. I like Jesse is doing, now it's about gay activism, a guy I'm dat-men.\" I was feeling helpless and yet at the same time, as ing or the gay community. I have no doubt we'll havehard as it may be to believe, I had never talked so inti- plenty to talk about for a while yet; with six years out of the closet and her not knowing a thing, there are definite-mately with him. ly a lot of things we need to catch uP on. For the first time in our lives as father and son, I was Father's Day. When you really think about it, com-broaching how he really felt about who I was. The feel- ing out to my parents on Father's Day wasn't that bad.ings were strange, new and awkward. I felt so close togetting some kind of answer, and at the same time, so In all honesty, Id have to say it's been the most mean-close to never getting one at all. ingful Father's Day in my entire life- What better gift to' give a parent than the opportunity to know who their \"Do you still Iove me?\" I hadn't chickened out of child really is.getting an answer to my first question, but I could sense Sure, my dad didn't acknowledge my gayness, buthim slipping away. I had to try something else and ask-ing if he still loved my seemed like an all encompassing he didn't change because of it. He's still my same dad' Iquestion. Surely, I thought, he'd want to know why I lovcd him before, and I still love him now. My mom?would question his love. She's still my same mom loving, inquiring and caring. I loved her then, and I love her even more now. \"Of course I do. You're my son,\" he responded All in all, I can't help but think of what a blessing it'salmost surprised that I would doubt such a thing. \"Now been to have come out to my parents. It seemed as ifhow 'bout writing your old man once in a while.\" He everyone knew except them. I always feared that some-was light-hearted. Then again, one might say he was in one would heartlessly tell them I was gay, and thendenial. But if you knew my dad, you'd probably say it they'd have to deal not only with the shock, but with the was his way of telling me everything was OK. sense of betrayal that on something so personal, I had let \"Dad, I will. Soon,\" I said. At that point, I resigned others know ahead of them. myself to our usual conversation. After a little while of talking about family again, we hung up. I couldn't help Now that they both know that I am gay,I'm nobut feel somewhat embarrassed that I had tried talking longer afraid-of anything. Why? Because the mostto him about me being gay. But then again, I couldn't important people in my life know the rml me, and they help but feel somewhat elated that I had at least tried. love me; I love me. And for those of you who know what Every time I think about my mom and dad now, I that feels like, then you also know there's no better feel- can't help but think about how strange this whole world ing in lifc. is. It's been several months since I came out to them, andmy dad and I carry on as if nothing had happened-not Happy Father's Day, Dad... and Mom, happy belated even my having told him I was gay. Mother's Day.BEl He treats me and talks to me as he always has-likehis little son. My mom on the other hand has become mybest friend. Only three weeks after I had broken the news