SDA Kinship - CONNECTION - December 1996

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ffi# Hl Who we are. . r : ,,D-ecembei;1996::r Seventh-day Advenrisr Kinship In- members and friends includes well over , :,. Vot,20; No' io ternational, Inc. is a support group which a thousand people in 16 countries. ,,i. Kinship Boardr ,. ministers to the spiritual, emotional, so- cial, and physical well being of Seventh- SDA Kinship believes the Bible does ,,:,,':,,..:...''..,:!.. not condemn, or even mention, homo- Presldenr::Dmin0lion, ,.,: : :': day Adventist lesbians, gay men, sexuality as a sexual orientation. Ellen ii\"\" Pr*iUtr la-g\",Dor[ :. .Secretaty:. Obpd Vs?4u€i . ::: bisexuals, and their families and friends. G. White does not parallel any of the .. SDA Kinship facilitates and pro- Treasurbr:,,Mike Melaughlin Bible texts, which are often used to con- Cotu;ttiottBditonwaltrElias ., : :: motes the understanding and affirmation Pullic,Reladoni: Jim Bell of homosexual and bisexual Adventists demn homosexuals. Ilost of the an- , among themselves and within the Sev- enth-day Adventist community through guish imposed upon God's children u ho ,Churcb Liaison: Dr. Ronald Lqwsori grow up gay or lesbian har iS rorrli in a education, advocacy, and reconciliation. misunderstanding of u'har rhe Bi::e sar s. Womyo's Coordiriator: Yolanda Elliot Founded in 1976, the nonprofit or- Kinship operates solely trn .-onri- Kamp'97 Coordi-nator: Lee Srbver ganization was incorporated in 1981 and butions from its memb€rs anc friends. :: .' .: , has a board of 15 officers and l0 re- SDA Kinship supports lhe adr ance- Kamp Kids Coordinaror: Pam Roberts gional coordinators. The current list of ment of human rights for all rrople. .Spiritual Advisor:..Kay. Ctaytoo Dir. of Regional Coords: .Donald Freernan Womynls Newsletter:, Jackie Sumrnerton Mbr. at lig.: Tene Price Campus Coordi nator: Greg.Cox Suoooir Staff O{Iice Support: Hal Jobe [nformational Services: John Wieland World Wide Web: Scotr Wienrers Cottaiitionstaff Kinship depends on you. Kinship is supported solelv br. contributions. Help us reach out to more gay Adr.entists by Contributom: Hal Jobe, Ben Kemena, Lisa. making a tax-deductible donation to SDA Kinship Internarional. Mike McLaughlin, Jim Mayes, Kevin G. Please send your check or money order to the address trelori,. Richards, J. Vicki Shel[on, Walt Elias, Ediror. Regional Coordinators For information call: #10 (7t4) 24[,-1299 I>- :2\\, Corucairris publishcd ten hmcs a year by S€vcnth- Region I Region 6 day Advmtisa KiNhip lnrcmttional. Inc. hincipal Obed Vasquez (401) 521-9319 offu: P.O. Box 7320, Laguria Nigrel, CA 9267?, Ben K. (303) 3ll-5lll l1l4\\ 248.1295. U:S. subsripiors arc $21 for ren Region 2 irsuar. md $15 for a&litional suberiprions. Forcign Yolanda Elliort (4 | 0) 53 t -5382 Region 7 rubsriptimi aa $.1{) Teny Worm*,ood (503r l-11-81+l Region 3 Submlsdons of lcrcrr afticlEa. picrucs, iut, ild Scon Congo (423) 954-9292 Region 8 gnptrics re wlcmc, lnclude iour nuc xs you Hany Wilmoth (510) 523-3J16 *mr ir published, addrrar, and eleihorc number. If Region 4 u irim is ro bc ockaowledged or raumcd. pleue Scott Wiemers (616) 473-3412 Region 9 Donald Freeman (2 I 3) 848-7 I 6 I inchrle a xll:add+sed, $tampad €nv€i{ipli SOme Region -5, and KinNet Conntttiln cutributors havc chostr to rcmaio Floyd Poenitz (2 I 4) 4 I 6- I 358 Region l0 (Kinship Canada) nmnymour. Pseudonyms from rhis issrc appeu ar Gerald Alex (6 I 3) 234-0555 the boilom of rhis page 'Ihe Comrertlarrcrcryes rhc righl to €ditmanimripr for lcngrh, syntar, gamu, andclarity. AddEss all submissiu s n tE Conad tiol P.O. Box 732), Lagum Niguel, CA 9267?. Inquiries and aniclc subhissioni may also be c-mailed m WalrEliu@ml{m. Thc mcntion or appcarancc of {try rams, orgmiatigna.:or ptrortgnphs.ln rhts fubticarion is not mmnt to imply a frci or .slaremcoi abwr thejr sxunl oJienhtioD q aqtivity. Subsriptim rcqucsts or addrerr chugx must be ,*iit.1O,gu6*ip,U* P;Or,Brx ?32(r,taeura Niiual: CA 9267L Q I 4 248-1 2yr. The KiDship mniting tist is confidcotial ud u*t only by Kirship oflrcm.1hc mailinS lis is Dot sld, Eftld. or exuhoted tor any purpos. AlWf' Cotrwtiotl AtI RtCiTS RESERVED. REPRODUCTION IN WHOLE OR IN PART WITHOUT PERMISSION IS PROHIBITED, OPINIONS EXPRESSED HEREJN ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF SDA KIN.HIP. HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS. FOR BEST R,ESULTS IN KEEPINO WARM, BOTIJ NOW ANDALWAYS. c$ralojt[crERMryforrs*e,,,,,:,:: :, Mehher oI thc Gay qni Leshian Pres.s Asvciatiu @ f\"iri.A in u,o U.s, m frxlZ, \"cjclablc pap6. C onnection. December I 996 20tfi. Anniuers ary rfear

CaTBNDAR oF Evpxrs For further information contact the appropriate regional coordinator. February 8, Region 9: Meeting in Inland Empire. February 28 - March 2: Boardmeeting. New Mexico. March 29, Region 9: Easter Program. May 10, Region 9: Meeting in Orange County. June 2l - 22, Region 9: Gay Pride in West Hollywood. July 20 - 27 1997, Kampmeeting. Pacific Palisades, California. Regional Coordinators Note: It is the intention of the connectbn to publish a calendar in each issue. Please send information to The Conttection atthe Kinship office, or e-mail to [email protected] This issue begins to address the questions raised by some new members of \"Do gay people really have long term relationships? Is there hope for me?\" The answer of course is yes, and Kinship has many many examples. Such people are not always visible to the new Kinship member, and he or she may not realize just how many committed relationships there are out there. We shall pursue this topic further in a future issues, but for now we shall introduce some Kinship couples and get their thoughts on the subject of committed relationships. This is also the last of issue in our 20th anniversary year. Because of this, we are reprinting a few articles from years past that also pertain to the subject ofrelationships. The masthead of this issue was courteously provided by Kevin G. Richards, and is the masthead used during his editorship. You may recall that a few issues ago Kevin provided us with a new old copy of our Kinship map on the facing page. 20tfi. Aruniaersary /ear December 1996. Connection

ff$ loirlTa[i Con Coms lras fy tim onf,rondy The following love story is written by two women from a loving and committed relation- ship. We were recently asked to write this story in response to many comments received by one of the editors that homosexuals do not have loving and committed long term relationshipi. On behalf of ourselves and the many relationships like ours, this story is written to prove otherwise. Sandy and I first met in the 10th grade at La ended her first painful and disastrous homosexual Sierra Academy. As we all know, Academy years are relationship and was not in the frame of mind to enter difficult at best and perhaps not the best place (espe- another. cially 15 years ago) to deal with sexual differences. Our friendship was initially rekindled like Although we became \"very close\" almost immedi- many other friendships. We began going places and ately, neither of us had dealt with our own sexuality doing things together as friends. However, we quickly and therefore we were shocked to discover we were realized that the connection and energy we felt in the Academy was still attracted to each other in ways we alive and present. had always been This time we were told were reserved We were shocked to discover we ready to face our for men and women. were attracted to each other in feelings, which we openly talked about Although our rela- tionship was ways we had always been told and dealt with. We discovered that it obviously closer were reserved for men and was a tremendous relief to have iden- than those of other women. tified our feelings. \"best friends,\" we never discussed those differences or However, it was the true depths of very easy to be se- our feelings. duced by these Due to a variety of circumstances, Sandy and feelings of self-realization. We wanted to move in I lost a great deal of our contact after graduation. together immediately, but Lisa, having just come from Sandy, finding it too painful to deal with the direcrion a difficult breakup, was hesitant to move too fast. As the relationship was going, submerged herself in col- a result, we decided to \"date\" for at least a year before lege and graduate school. Lisa, more emotionally moving in together. That year allowed Sandy time to driven, sought to understand her feelings towards come out to her family. We also learned to rely on women. While seeking the counsel of a women who each other emotionally. had allegedly dealt with these issues in the past, she Moving slowly toward the commitment that ended up in a committed but disastrous relationship. comes from living together proved invaluable. We Eight years after graduating from the Acad- have watched friends, before and since, that get caught emy, Sandy and I found our paths reunited. It was up in their new relationship and move in together too clear that we had both matured and dealt with issues quickly. In these instances, couples make financial that would allow us to be honest about our feelings commitments (oint bank accounts, leases, purchases, for each other. Sandy had just ended engagement mortgages) before they even know ifthey are ready to plans with a man she met in graduate school. Al- make a lifelong emotional commitment. Sometimes though she had still not faced the homosexual issue the more exterior financial commitments are easier to head on, she now knew it was time. Lisa had .just make than the real lbundational relationship commit- Coruruction. December I 996 20t fi . Annia ers ary rfear

ment. Paradoxically, the financial commitments are playing games and watching television with Lisa's much more difficult to unravel. mom. We spend our mornings around the kitchen We spent our \"dating\" year wishing we were table drinking coffee and submerging ourselves in living together, but we made important discoveries conversation and laughter. We are jealous of the about each other during that time. We confirmed that necessary requirements of life that take us away from our values, goals and dreams were compatible. Al- that table each day. though our methods are often different, one of the In our relationship, we fight stereotypes. We most significant characteristics of our relationship is don't hate men. We are not angry at anyone. We that we both want the same thing from our relation- don't hang out at bars and are not promiscuous. Most ship and from life. of our friends are married heterosexual couples who Today, we have been together seven years. often tell us they use our relationship as their role Our relationship could not be more compatible or model. This does not mean that we are not concerned committed. However, with the legal and so- these years have not been cial obstacles facing without their difficulties, homosexuals. As law- both internal and external Our relationship could not yers, we both care very to our relationship. Inter- deeply about the issues nally, we had to learn how be more compatible or facing our \"marriages\", employment, benefits, to communicate openly committed. families and housing. and honestly at every level Another, and the of our relationship. While this may sound trite and most important aspect of our family, is our return many may believe it comes naturally, we know that it is difficult at best, to our spiritual roots. We have come to realize that but forms the very foundation of any relationship. God is essential to and blesses our relationship. Even Realizing our own limitations in this area, we sought though our church is slow to recognize and validate the assistance of a professional counselor. The eight our relationship, we realize that spiritual growth comes weeks we spent exploring this aspect of our relation- from our individual walk with God. It is our duty, ship proved to be the best investment we have ever through scripture and prayer to find our own accep- made. It has given us the tools to meet every chal- tance with God. Ienge we face together. Homosexual relationships can and do work. Externally, we have faced plenty of diver- But like any other couple, it takes true commitment, sity, just like every other couple. We have dealt with communication and hard work. The issues that de- the death of a parent, the loss of employment, a failed stroy homosexual relationships are no different than adoption and significant career changes. The rela- those that destroy heterosexual marriages. We grow tionship foundation we laid made coping with these up believing that you meet someone, fall in love, get crises not only easier but more productive. married and live happily ever after. What the fairy There is no doubt that our commitment is for tales fail to provide is the foundation and building a life time. Even though many suggest that \"these blocks on which \"happily ever after\" is based. Have relationships just don't work\", we are here to tell you you met someone you are interested in? How much that they can work. After seven years, we love each of your time do you spend talking versus activities other more deeply and with a greater level of respect. which require no communication? How much do you We have become even more united in our dreams, our know about your lover? Do you know their inner goals and most importantly, our spirituality. Our most dreams or their greatest fear? Do you know relationship has matured. We often describe our- what makes them laugh or cry? Do you have the same selves as \"an old married couple\". After seven years, dreams, goals and aspirations? Or, based on the strong we can't wait to get home in the evening to share our emotion you feel, have you just assumed you know day and be together. We look like an old married these things? Take the time to know your partner. couple, we don't go out much. We spend a great deal Know them as well as you know yourself. We are of our leisure time working on our house and playing here to tell you that you can meet, fall in love and live with our dogs. Our big Saturday night out is spent happily ever after, but not without communication, hard work and commitment. 20tfi. Anniztersary /ear December 1996. Corlnection

gol onf,Loof,o! lirtrl ffs uotifay At holidays, I occasionally hear a certain lament myself knowing that Providence has guided me (which from some of my single gay peers longing for a com- was not always obvious at the time) and nurtured me mitted relationship. While there are some who delight through good friends and mentors. Had my gay and revel in their singleness (while enjoying mean- ingful friendships) as the highest expression of their friends and mentors kept their lives \"a secret from me\", I would not be here today. I met my partner, personhood, many of us find meaning by developing Mike, on Epiphany in Washington DC. We met on a long-term intimate relationships. By virtue of our blind date set up by friends. Nonetheless, that our conservative heritage, often laden with moral over- paths crossed on that cold windy January night re- flected our commitments to \"wholeness\". We had tones and expectations, it seems difficult for a gay Adventist to meet a compatible partner. I am not sure spent years in the \"gay lily pond\" hoping to kiss a that we have it any tougher than a gay Mormon or gay prince. There were thrills and exciting times, but Catholic,-but certainly, there was also heartache there are obstacles. Fur- We had spent years in the and lamentation. For us, the search was difficult thermore, \"our tribe\" still \"gay lily pond\" hoping to and u nsavory,-we labors under an attitude kiss a prince. wanted to \"cut to the held by some that being chase\" whereby we might gay will ALWAYS make simply \"live happily ever it impossible to be in- after.\" In our own ways, volved in a relationship that will have deep emo- we had spent much energy tional, spiritual and and effort surviving the physical meaning (that being gay is antitherical to \"lily pond\",-overcoming bruised egos, religious tra- love and commitment). We struggle. We struggle ditions, family heritage, and personal shyness. At20, with sexuality and legalism,-mired in turmoil re- the \"thrill of the hunt\" still captivated me. At 26,I garding gay sex, marriage, premarital sex, extramarital was beginning to cast wary glances into the future,- relations, physicality versus sexuality, affection ver- wanting to meet someone to \"build a life together\". sus solicitation, monogamy versus polygamy, and so By 3l, I was wondering if a relationship could ever be it goes. I share some of my life experience and possible for me,-I was weary and loneliness swept journey with you, not necessarily as a template (God over my soul in great waves of despair. And then, on forbid!), but as an invitation for dialogue with my a blind date, it happened.....that which I had dared to single gay friends,-and to remind them that they are hope for materialized. By 35, I was starting the not alone. For each one of us, I believe there is a process of relationship. In retrospect, it seems like special person \"out there\" as a partner (should we be such an easy progression,-but I have left out so interested and not as a valuejudgement) and I want to many important parts of my story,-and myths can be be a man who helps, loves and supports those search- dangerous. I am not a self-made man. I have (and ing for a meaningful relationship (or meaningful have had) loving mentors and friends,-and I owe my singleness). I share myself with some reservation and life and wholeness to them as they have been a gift difficulty, but I believe that sharing vulnerabilities is from God. I \"came out\" to myself in the summer of essential for finding meaning within ourselves and 1980. I was 20 years old and a summer student at building committed relationships with others. I share Berkeley living in San Francisco. I knew I was gay Connection. December I 996 20tfr. Anniuersary /ear

I and I was scared,-scared of myself and frightened of mourned,-holding me, hugging me. They were de- my passions. I watched gay men, I mimicked those liberately nonsexual (not that such might have been that I admired, and it was before the savage spector of unappreciated) to allow focus on my losses. They HIV in a world of personal discovery. I was new to helped me understand life as a sharing process, they the \"candy store\", and I had no gay mentors,-and helped me understand the importance of perspective. with that, I dove into the \"gay lily pond\" to find my and they helped me understand the nuances of love. \"sell'. I was bewildered and excited. and I had the Lif'e and love were meant to mean something, sex and stamina and energy of youth. I confused sex and affection were meant to celebrate something, and ac- meaning, drugs and liberation, abuse and learning, ceptance and forgiveness were meant to share love and money..... I might still be there had it not something. These peers and friends, so many of them been for loving gay friends and mentors. Initially, gone now, valiantly adjusted to the transformation of gay role models terrifled me,-being gay was still a \"social rules\" from Stonewall to HIV in just over a new and difficult admission,-let alone admiring those decade. I miss them and I remember them,-and that of the \"gay tribe\". But, despite my fears, a f'ew good year, I fell in love with a fellow first and only then gay men took the time and interest to help me. I engaged in a physical relationship.... Now, I must sexually explored with a man who killed himself in a also say that I had wonderful straight friends and homophobic self-rage a few days later. I will never mentors as well, but I lived a \"split\" life through completely reconcile those years and often that experience,-I'm held my \"straight\" still garbled years later. Initially, gay role models terri- fiiends at bay. That was unfair,-and I Many of my friends fied re, But, despite my knew that someday, I stood by me during that fears, a few good gay men took wanted my life to be difficult \"reactionary\" the time and interest to help time (which included \"whole\". Nonethe- addictions, prostitu- less, the love and tion, and abuse),-as kindness I received friends without any me. from my heterosexual peer group was pow- possible personal gain erful and caring. I or benefit. They helped me understand cannot overstate their real affection (imagine,-a gay \"friend\"), they helped support or my appreciation for their senssln,-!ut my identity was not yet open. I sought nourishment me understand that I should stay in school (imag- ine,-a gay \"advisor\"), and they helped me understand from my \"gay tribe\" while simply enduring \"straight the importance of being integrated (imagine,-a gay life\",-I shortchanged many good friends and family. \"wisdom\"). As a 26 year old, I was a medical intern. While \"coming out\" to my friends and family took The suffering of HIV had invaded my life and psyche. time, patience (years) and finesse, their eventual sup- I took dying friends into my heart and home. It was a port and comfort has more than accounted for the miserable and wonderful year. It was also the year temporary hardships of that process. For many, I will that I promised myself that I would try to .join love be the only gay man that some will ever know, and for and physical affection within the same person. As I that, I am privileged. At 31, knowing that I could not stay at a parochial institution, knowing the \"infanti- went to the funerals of my buddies that year, I was lism\" bred by living a \"split life\" while running out of sobered and saddened. I lost some of my closest friends over the next several years, and I came to energy to keep my separate worlds twirling, and numb understand that my HIV negative status was a simple with the grief of saying \"farewell\" to so many friends, matter of grace. I suffered intense \"survivor guilt\" I left a twelve year professional investment behind along with Kubler-Ross stages of grief for my friends me and returned to western Colorado. But, this was not before I learned a few more lessons about life. At and loved ones. I still enjoyed meeting men, but I wanted these meetings \"to mean something\". As my 31, I learned of my heart ailment, something that gay role models struggled with their own trials, many remains with me daily. At 31, I had an accidental still took the time and energy to nurture me. When a transfusion accident with HIV positive blood. And friend died in my arms, some of these men held me. so, at 31,I returned to one of the most isolated areas They stayed overnight with me for weeks while I of the continent. I had learned so much about aca- 20tfi. Aruniaersary year December 1996. Connection

demics and so little about life,-I needed a time and shepherded me and my dreams. I learned how to love place to \"grow up\". I found myself fighting Amend- my friends as friends without the disappointment of ment 2 and I had my office vandalized. I learned how \"nothing more\" developing. I became comfortable to live \"out\" as a gay man in a small Mormon town. I with a vision of myself living a single life, but always began to ponder \"coming out\" to my family and church. I became acquainted with a gay community on the lookout for \"something more\". It was this complex context that I carried while visiting with in this remote outpost. I met new gay mentors. These friends in Washington DC, on a cold January evening I I gay friends had deliberately chosen a \"gay counter- several years ago. I had missed spending the holi- ! cultural life-sty1e\" in this vacant land and they days with these same friends,-I had suffered from a t appreciated me. I needed time to \"process\" so much terrible flu,-the kind that puts you in the hospital as I data,-and I found kindred gay spirits. In particular, a patient. Just being alive and free was a special joyl I spent several years pro- My college buddies cessing a certain amount I was ready, Mike was had postponed their of shame,-shame at holidays \"just for what I had neglected in me\",-and they had a my life, shame that I was ready,-and we became \"friend I just had to \"burned out\" on gay is- friends and fell in love. I sues and AIDS losses, could be honest, I could be meet\". I was ready, shame that I was shunned Mike was ready,- by my church (asked to and we became friends and fell in leave), and shame for be- affectionate, and I could be love. I could be hon- ing so self-absorbed. My est, I could be friends and mentors al- whole. affectionate, and I lowed me to wrestle with could be whole. I was forgiveness. At 31, I had still alive by grace, another relationship fail and our meeting was despite months of \"couples counseling\" and effort. I no accident. Why have I shared this thumbnail autobi- wanted the relationship to work,-if only by an act of ography? I share this because I am a gay man indebted \"my will\". I became depressed and obsessed with an and evolving. I want to help others of \"our tribe\" feel early death. By an act of generosity and kindness (at included, I want to share more of my journey as a least in retrospect), my former lover went on to find a matter of dispelling assumptions, and I want to be \"healthier\" relationship, but not before he introduced able to speak powerfully from the heart. I have a me to a psychologist who stood by me as a guide lover and life partner,-and I still treasure friends. I through hell. I was \"sick\" even as I healed others,- want to share with gay men and women as I have been and my friends (including my therapist) accepted these so powerfully blessed. I see the ongoing need for paradoxes. They helped me understand that love is a mentoring, giving, and role modeling as a gay man,- privilege not a right, they helped me understand that fbr it helps all concerned, and it is a two-way street. honesty is a necessity not just a virtue, and they Within the organization of Kinship, I feel blessed to helped me understand that self-acceptance is a start have so many wonderful role models. I dread the not a finish. Armed with hours of counseling, read- conceit that some may associate with my proclama- ing, support groups and psychotherapy, I eventually tion of hope to join such an auspicious group,-for reentered my search for a \"partner\". I dated \"local such is a privilege. But with my loving mentors now boys\" and I dated from afar. I knew that I was and departed, I hope to contribute to the sanctuary of looking for more than a \"good time\" or a \"one safety and love that so many have both offered and nighter\",-I was looking for \"him\". I learned how to shared with me. When I offer my affection and cama- function anew in a bar or club or cafe. I learned how raderie, some of you may be frightened, some of you to align myself with causes (gay or otherwise) that I may be cynical, and some of you may be interested to truly believed in while keeping my eyes open for ask more questions,-but the only way for any of you kindred spirits. I learned how to trust my gay friends to understand my true motives and emotions is for me to be vulnerable. For those looking for a committed and mentors. I told them that I was looking for a relationship, I want you to know that many genuinely relationship now. My friends stewarded and Corunection. December I 996 20tfi. Anniaersory Yeor

support you with love and affection as your relation- agenda of helping each other remain honest, healthy and sober. Our invitations and solicitations are laced ship quest continues. It is not a topic or process with an agenda of helping gay men and women meet which I consider lightly or consider without \"having and share with one another. Our challenges and de- been there\". And for those at peace with their single- ness, I want to continue celebrating our friendships. bates are laced with an agenda of building a community Many of us struggle with affection, love, and kind- ness. We have learned to be wary of words,-we that includes family, friends, children, churches, and have even hid behind words. Many of us struggle schools. At \"our tribe's\" best, we have each other as a with hugs, embraces, and kisses. We learn to be even worthy resource bank and a safe harbor for rest during more wary of action,-looking for meanings that of- ten betray our Puritanism or permissivenessl I share the \"in-between\" and \"getting ready\" times of the as an invitation to myself and all of you a call to more journey. We are at different places along the journey sensitivity and less censorship, more diversity and of personhood,-some are content with singleness, less labeling, more affection and less judgement,- some are looking for a \"longterm companion\", and more candor and less defensiveness. The last two some have found a mate. It is possible for us to decades have taught me how to take reasonable risks support each other where ever we are on \"the jour- ney\",-for what we have to share cannot be overstated. and embrace appropriate vulnerability (I am still learn- Gay men and women may inspire love and relation- ing). My job is to \"be myself',-not to \"sell myself '. ship-building by exemplifying the same. May the spirit of these holidays,-Thanksgiving, Hannukah, And, at our house this holiday season, our hugs and Christmas, Kwansa, New Year's, Tet,-touch our warm embraces are laced with an agenda of love and hearts with pride and new resolve. God loves us and friendship. Our hopes and cheers are laced with an we have been given each other. Ktnshtp Kookers I hope the holidays were happy for all of you. I received a cookbook for Christmas, which turned out to be very good. There are a number of vegetarian recipes, along with some great meat dishes. To date I have made 8 dinners using recipes from this book, and all of them have been wonderful. The cookbook is called, Jacques Pepin's simple and healthy cooking. I give it a 3 saucepan rating. That's very good by the way. This month's recipe is taken from Simple and Healthy Cooking. Richard thought this soup was one of the best I have made in a long time. It was his idea to include this recipe in my column. So here goes. I hope you enjoy, and don't be afraid to experiment with different mushrooms, the flavor will change depending on what varieties you use. Hal. Borley Soup 1/2 cup borley I ounce dried mushrooms, sliced 5 cups woter 6 ounces mushrooms, sliced 1 toblespoon olive oil 2 cups vegetoble broth 5 cloves gorlic, peeled ond chopped 1i2 teospoon block pepper ground 2 medium corrots, peeled ond sliced 3/4 teospoon solt I medium onion peeled ond sl ced )14 ctp porsley, chopped Ploce borley in soucepon wiih 3 cups of woter, Bring the mixture io o boil, coveL reduce ihe heoi to low ond boil very gently for 50 to 60 min The borley should be tender, but not mushy. Set oside. Heot the oil in o lorge pot, odd the gorlic ond cook for I min. Add the corrots ond onions ond cook over high heoi for I min Add the domesiic mushrooms, dried mushrooms. stock ond the remoining 2 cups of woter. Bring to o boil, reduce the heot to low, ond boil gently for l0 min. Add the solt, pepper, ond borley with iis liquid. Bring bock to o boil. Siir in the porsley. lf you wont thicker soup, puree 2 cups of sop in lhe food processor ond odd bock to the soup. 20tfr. Atlnia ers ary year December 1996 . Coflnection

*ing rfi Knor .fou Kinrfg cou1[ir fiua, rflir tocreu for fuitfing n rofrrriontftp rfnr ,,r, [wr n fifirimt. [1 uife Mclouqfrtn Engagement, honeymoon, mar- Planning tbr financial security ofattorney in business dealings, and as a gay or lesbian couple can be riage, wedding ring, silver difficult at best. are planning to arrange for its use in medical emergencies as well. We anniversary, divorce -foarleligtenrmtos fh- How have you dealt with miliar to us and yet our wills, powers of attorney, check- are each named as the beneficiary in relationships. How do gay and les- ing and saving accounts, each other's wi1l.\" \"We wouldn't recommend the bian couples survive in a heterosexist investments and the legal ob- stacLes that face nontraditional joining o1'all assets in every situa- society that excludes them fiom ev- mamiages? tion. Everyone must decide for ery supportive construct? themselves what will work best in Emy Lou and Vicki: \"We their situation. If you have assets, it We have asked four couples, might be better to allow the rela- maintain two separate checking and tionship to mature for a few years from various backgrounds and 1o- saving accounts, but we are signed up on each other's accounts. We betbre tying everything together.\" cales, to provide us with insight into maintain them separately to provide Marge and Dee: \"We maintain for some independence. Our home their special lives. Here they are: separate finances in order to dis- is owned jointly by the two of us. tance Marge from any legal Vicki and Emy Lou, ages 44 One of us makes the house pay- ment for six months and then the ramifications should there be a prob- and 42 respectively, met 2l years other one does for six months. For a while we each wrote a check fbr lem associated with my financial ago at Union College in Lincoln, half the amount each month, but obligations to my ex-husband and Nebraska. They have been in a com- the bank fbund the practice contus- children. I pay $735 a month in child ing.\" mitted relationship for 20 years and support. I like having control over \"Emy Lou and I have met with now live in Denver, Colorado. Vicki an attorney and had the necessary the money I earn.\" paperwork drawn up to provide for \"It is just much simpler to have works in the computer industry while power of attorney in the event of a medical emergency. We also had finances separate. Our horne is in Emy Lou manages a local financial wills prepared so that neither one my name, but we have a verbal institution. of us would have to worry about agreement that Dee has equity built losing our home or savings if our David and Jonathan are 46 year into it. The monthly payments, up- farnilies decided to get nasty when old, teachers, and live in New York keep and any new furniture one of us is gone. Our financial City. Last November they began purchases are split almost 50-50. matters are blended together as With Dee's tremendous outlay fbr their 28th year together in a com- closely as they can be, and still be child support, it is not f'easible for mitted relationship. manageable.\" her to bear exactly 50 percent of the Marge is 30 years old and works David and Jonathan: \"We expenses.\" have always had joint checking and as director of nursing utilization \"We are now in the process of saving accounts. When we started having wills and durable power of management at two local hospitals out, we didn't have much money and no assets to speak of, so it was attorney fbrrns drawn up. Each of in Southern Califbrnia. Dee is a very easy for us to mix our finances. our insurance policies names the nursing supervisor for a hospital Just the idea of putting your money other as beneficiary. Dee's also together builds trust. We use power makes provisions fbr her children. based Matemal Child Health Unit. Any further investments will be and is 40 years old. They have been bought in joint tenancy r.r,ith each living together fbr more than two other.\" years. Dee maintains two separate homes: her home with Marge and Dennis and Corky: \"For one for her fbur teenage children checking and saving accounts, we where she and her ex-husband alter- have his, mine, and ours. We use nate staying. ours to make the house payment In May of 1980, Dennis and Corky met each other at a drinking fountain in the middle of a local Portland park. Corky is 39 and a landscape designer. Dennis is 35 and an orthodontist. They have lived to- gether tbr the past five years. l0 C o nnection. December i 996 y2 0 t[t. Annia ers ary e ar

since the house is jointly owned. matched on emotional, spiritual and support. Our relationship has sur- We also own several other pieces of intellectual levels. Our feelings for vived because we turned our backs property, all held jointly. But it is one another progressed rapidly into on the church's teachings concern- a committed relationship. We were ing homosexuality. Our parents on just easier to keep our other finances committed to one another on an emo- both sides were excellent role mod- els as loving Christian couples. They separated. We do not have wills at tional level prior to any sexual were a very positive influence on this time; however, we are planning our lives. They are supportive of to obtain them in the near future. relations.\" our relationship even though the is- We have not even discussed the is- 'Monogamy is important. How- sue ofhomosexuality has never been sue of power of attorney for medical ever, we are human and it is held as or business purposes.\" an ideal. But if one of us is unfaith- discussed directly.\" ful, there is great potential for harm, How did your relationship though it is not grounds for immedi- \"Love is love. Whether it be ate divorce.\" evolve into a long-term commit- directed towards a man or a woman, Jonathan and David: \"Our re- the emotions you express and the ment and is monogamy lationship developed naturally in feelings you have are the same. The spite of difficulties. We knew in our gender does not matter.\" important? hearts within one week of meeting each other through a mutual friend Yicki and Emy Lou: \"The Vicki and Emy Lou: \"After that this was the right relationship. church as an organized structure of- knowing each other as friends for a We were apartMonday through Fri- fers no support. However, there are year we became roommates in col- day for the first three years of our members of our local church, both lege. Our relationship started out as relationship. David drove over five straight and gay, that are yery sup- an emotional one and later devel- hours one way every weekend from oped into a deeper and more caring the university he was attending to portive. Most of our outside one that included physical intimacy. Atlantic Union College, just so we The commitment to one another oc- could spend time together. We main- activities are planned with straight curred at about the same time we became active sexually. It took us a tained separate residences for the couples.\" long time to reach that level in our first ten years. We saw each other every day though and have been liv- \"Emy Lou's parents are still liv- relationship. It was not easy for us ing and do not know the depth of ing under the same roof sin ce 197O.\" to resolve the issue oflesbian Chris- our relationship. However, she does \"At times we have sensed that tians. Once we did though, it has have one sister that refers to me as individuals wanted to come between been heaven on earth.\" us. They soon realized that our de- her sister-in-law. My parents are 'Monogamy is important to the sire to remain in our current both deceased, and my brothers and well-being of our relationship. We committed relationship was of prime sisters do not know we are lesbi- would feel insecure and jealous if importance.\" ans.\" infidelity occurred.\" \"Monogamy is important. Over Corky and Dennis: \"From the Marge and Dee: \"Our support the course of our relationship we comes from within our relationship. day we met we dated each other exclusively and decided almost im- have had several friends whose love Besides the fellowship provided by for us and ours for them developed mediately that this relationship was into shared intimacies. These were Kinship, we have a few straight the right one. We kept separate apart- not forays into adultery for sexual friends that are supportive. Marge's gratification. What we shared with ments for two years before we those people was a deep sense of parents and brothers and sister love bought our current home together. caring and love. We remain friends me and are very accepting.\" Dennis would spend the weekends with them to this day, even now that at my place and I would spend week they have gone on to relationships Dennis and Corky: \"There are nights at his place. We took our time of their own.\" no organized support systems for in getting to know each other's faults and learning to love each other.\" What types of support sys- couples in the Portland area. We have a small circle of couples that \"We have had discussions on tems are available to lesbian and the issue of monogamy. While it is provides peer support. We do not gay couples within your local discuss our life with Dennis's par- very important to us, it is not an c ommunity, c hurch and family ? ents. Corky's parents know and are supportive of our relationship. The absolute. We are monogamous by David and Jonathan: \"We re- only religious organization that is choice, not because we have to be ceive no support from the church, supportive of us is Kinship. The Io- for the survival of our relationship. nor have we felt the need for church It is important not to make unbreak- cal church is unaware of our able rules.\" situation.\" Dee and Marge: \"Ours seemed How has organized religion to be a natural match. We are evenly afficted your relationship? Are similar religious beliefs a pre- requisite to building a healthy and s uc c e s sful re lationship ? 20tfr. Annioersary year December 1996. Connection l1

Emy Lou and Vicki: \"It has David and Jonathan: \"We the best they can. You have to be- consider ourselves to be religious. lieve that you are loved by the other effected us a lot. Both of us are very God is an important part of our lives. even in the face of conflicts and active in our local church and were We give thanks daily for what we disagreements. We believe that our raised as Adventists. If we had not are and what we have. In most of the long-term relationships we are love is genuine and all important attended an Adventist college, we familiar with, the individuals do not and doesn't need proving all the come from the same church. Basic would have never met. But, the moral principles are more crucial time. We maintain a vision of hav- guilty feelings brought on by the ing our relationship last until we are than the organized church one comes old and in matching rocking chairs.\" Adventist teachings made it diffi- from.\" Do you have any final words cult for us to make a commitment to of wisdom to guide those of us What is the one hidden fac- just starting down the road of one another. We consider ourselves tor that has made your union a marital bliss? progressive Adventists and grow SUCCCSS ? Jonathan and David: \"There weary of the legalistic teachings of can be no secrets. Not even little the church hierarchy.\" Emy Lou and Vicki: \"Com- ones. Walls will build up between munication and a willingness to you and communication will start to \"It has been very helpful in our suffer. Work at not trying to find a work to resolve problems that arise. ready made perfect fit. Find some- relationship to have similar religious It has to be a give and take situation. one with whom there is a starting We are in this thing for the duration point and build from there. Grow beliefs. But, that doesn't mean it is necessary for all couples to belong and I'm not about to bail out\" together.\" \"Our commitment to one an- Vicki and Emy Lou: \"Become to the same organized church.\" Marge and Dee: \"Ours is one other is the most important thing in friends first then let your friendship life.\" blossom into a long-term relation- of those unequally yoked together ship.\" marriages that we were always \"What else is there?\" warned about. Dee is Catholic and I Dee and Marge: \"Remind Jonathan and David: \"Devel- am SDA. Organized religion has had yourselfto look for the good in your opment of trust is a top priority. little or no effect on our relation- partner. If you focus on the bad it Without trust you feel insecure and ship. If we were to take organized will destroy the relationship. Accept your love for one another will not your mate as being basically good, religion seriously it would probably wonderful and beautiful. Allow your blossom. There are givers and tak- partner to be human. Quirks may do our relationship harm. However, ers in this world. The givers win by bother you, but those are not the a personal relationship with God is always being concerned for one an- totality of their being.\" essential in my life.\" other. It is not enough for each Corky and Dennis: \"Don't be \"Similarreligious beliefs are not too quick to judge. Learn to really person to give 50-50. You have to know each other. Give each other a necessarily a prerequisite to a good give 100 percent. We have never chance to be who you are individu- used affection as a tool or weapon ally. Allow yourselves to grow and relationship. It is more important that against each other. Another secret maintain personal identities. Think of ours is to never go to sleep mad at about the two of you as a unit; don't you both have a reasonable selfcon- each other. Once we get into bed be selfish. Think before you act. cept and a world view that is more and take each other in our arms, our Compromise. Talk to one another. love for one another motivates us to Work problems through. Don't al- positive than negative.\" work through the problem no matter how big it is.\" low them to become bones of Dennis and Corky: \"Our rela- tionship started without religion and Corky and Dennis: \"We both contention. like the same things. But more than religion has not played an important that, we know when to stop before The above article jirst appeared we go too far in discussing a touchy in the Kinship Connection in Febru- role in our relationship.\" topic. We are both stubborn. Each Dennis describes himself as a of us means too much to the other to ary of 1988. We are pleased to force an issue. We know when to free spirit Adventist, attending shut up.\" report that all of these couples are church occasionally. Corky, a self Dee and Marge: \"A basic re- still to gether, nearly ten y ears later. proclaimed agnostic raised with a smattering of Methodist teachings spect for one another and the ability to see that the other person is doing says, \"I struggle with a lot of the teachings of all churches. We tend to avoid strong discussions concern- ing religion. Religion is a very personal experience and differences of opinion can lead to rather heated arguments.\" \"You don't have to have simi- lar religious beliefs. The most important thing is the closer you come to the same ideals the stronger the rel ationship will become-grow- ing closer as time passes.\" l2 Connection. December 1996 20tfi. Anniaersary Year

lor rfs tovo 0f lour Lf, provide the table place for love and support denied to us by our own frightened and uncomprehending denomina- fl Li* -Nlolter tion. Kinship has arms of love wide enough for Selecting a life partner is a formidable task for humankind. One of the crucial decisions of our three everyone-from the most zealously overt backslider to score and-ten years, it ranks with career choice as one of the Soyagen sipping, ultra-closeted arch-conservative. There's a niche just for you in Kinship. the two influences with the most impact upon us. From the time one discovers his/her sexual orienta- When you were first introduced to the beauty of Jesus Christ, you probably did not plunge headlong into tion, an average of eight years has slipped by before the baptismal tank to declare your undying devotion to settling down in a long-term relationship. Even so, the Him. No doubt you took time to carefully consider the same average North American has already been deeply philosophy, actions and promises proffered before com- involved in three intense love affairs- mitting yourself. Far from the many trial-and-error approaches often Ditto with your earthly intended. In quiet moments employed in finding a life-long amour is the blueprint alone, contemplate the impact she or he has on your life. offered in the Scriptures. In both Testaments the love Do you mutually value lifestyle, educational levels, in- relationship is used in simile and metaphor to draw our telligence, spiritual outlook, ethnicity and physical attention and affections to Christ, our heavenly Lover. attraction? AII of these are vital facets of a prized rela- The same approach is of worthy consideration in seek- tionship. ing tender and sacred union with a human love. The gifts of Jesus are ever new (DA, p. 148). Allow your love to unfold naturally, like a filly in Our Adventist heritage has imparted to us a keen spring. Let your soul be drawn outward and upward (SC, appreciation for the human mind. This clashes with the sociocultural context of the late twentieth century, which p. 99). Indulge fully your shared interests, establish confines us to encounters on the physical plane. patterns of comfortable interaction and communication. In searching for our Creator's love we are first Grant immeasurable mutual self-respect. invited to come and reason together (see Isa. 1:18 and Can two walk together except they be agreed? (Amos SC, p. 43). lt follows naturally that a lasting earthly 3:3) God the Son found such joy and pleasure in His relationship begins in a similar intellectual manner. Fall friendship with Enoch that He simply invited His friend in love with his/her mind before falling into bed! to his home to stay. (Gen5:24) What a glorious example of friendship. What rich lessons in the story for us. Individuals who wouldn't have the proverbial Editor, from page L6 snowball's chance in the hot oven ofphysical desire can become downright fascinating when reevaluated in the people to not often make it to Kinship meetings. I light of intelligent discussion. Expressed views, com- suppose you would have to ask them why that might be, mon opinions and shared experiences will draw you infinitely closer to choosing Mr./Ms. Right than all the but I suppose like the straight world, they are off doing physical feasting you can handle. Checking out what's things with other couples, rather settled down so to speak between his/her ears is ultimately more worthy than In the \"If You Ask Me\" column in this issue, it was stated some of the more questionable attributes we concern that \"Many gay relationships do last, often for a life- ourselves with. (Take a good look at I Sam. 16:7) time.\" Those couples who endure often maintain a low profile, even in relation to the gay community. Because Don't limit yourself to the traditional path of mat- we seldom see or hear from them, we mistakenly assume ing. Pursue and develop your hobbies and pastimes. You may touch base with your soul's mate at a night class they do not exist. you've promised yourself, during a Studebaker To those of you that are long term couples, we need you. We need your experience, your wisdom, your sto- swapmeet, at the ubiquitous organ recital, as you enjoy a Lionel train exhibition or even while doing volunteer ries and your example. Its exceedingly important to work. There's no need to be shy. You know the dress others that you be around as often as you can. Within code, the body language, the lingo. Put thar knowledge you lies the hope of the future for many a Kinship Kid, to work for you in exploring a friendship. Given time, it and even some of us who are not longer kids. One may evolve into courtship and life-long fellowship to- college student recently vocalized that he saw no future gether in Christ. as a gay person. I hope that he someday soon gets to Above all, don't overlook the sodality of Kinship. This organization was conceived in pain and prayer to meet some Kinship folk who have led wonderful coupled gay lives, and can see that he, too, has the potential of a wonderful and fulfilling gay future. I appeal to those of you that have been with us for many years, especially those of you with partners. Please be as visible as you can, and attend as many functions as you can. We desperately need you. Walt Elias 20 tfi. Arunia ers ary rfear December 1990 . Cortnection 13

Can I Ever Find One? Of course, many of our rela- tionships end more quickly. But I Searching for the Perfect Lover would remind you that the hetero- Question: My problem is this-l idealize my lovers. Then, when they sexual record is not especially to be envied. One in three marriages ter- don't live up to my expectations, I am disappointed and lose interest. How can I stop doing this? minates in divorce. Many Answer: You certainly won't solve your relationship problem by feeling heterosexual couples break engage- guilty about it. By self-punishment, you only dig for yourself a deeper pit. ments and \"steady\" arrangements. Instead, try to see behind your behavior to what causes it. My point is simply that we should An Adventist counselor with whom I shared your question claims he not be more critical of gay relation- ships than a factual comparison with observes this \"idealizing phenomenon\" in Adventist gays more than in the heterosexuals he counsels. He thinks it grows out of the \"rosy picture\" most heterosexuals warrants. young Adventists were raised to believe in-a lifestyle centered around a Gay couples separate for the same reasons that heterosexual traditional marriage and \"perfect\" service to God by working for the church. He suggests that gays and lesbians, having the same needs for love and couples break up. Perhaps the choice affection as everyone else, but being disfranchised from the \"Adventist of a partner was inappropriate in the dream\" because of their sexual orientation, try all the harder to create the ideal first place. One or both people may in their relationships, perhaps to prove their \"normalcy\" to their religious critics. have been too immature or insecure to maintain the level of mutual re- We idealize others to whom we are attracted for at least two reasons. sponsibility and commitment that a First, we want desperately to be in love and to feel cared for. Second, we are relationship requires. Possibly the to some degree uncomfortable with our own faults and shortcomings. By participants had impossible expecta- thinking ofa partner as \"perfect\" we subconsciously hope he or she will think tions of each other, or did not know of us in the same way, not noticing our own flaws. Of course this never works. how to communicate their deeper Fantasies about a lover's personal qualities always fall apart-and rather quickly after you move in with each otherl Frequently, the only feeling that needs and feelings. remains after such disillusionment is resentment over having been \"duped.\" But you did it to yourselfl When we consider the additional Why are you so desperate to be in love that you would pursue a fantasy stresses on the gay person, it is un- version of a lover? Have you found creative ways to deal with loneliness? derstandable that our couples may encounter difficulties. They may What about your self'-esteem? If you can become comfortable enough with yourself to accept your own weaknesses, then faults in a partner will not be as need\"to be secretive about their love in order to protect theirjobs, or their threatening to you. Before you commit too many feelings to a future relationship, try to be involvement with their relatives. They get little support for their rela- less romantic and more practical. Make a list of facts about this other person. tionship from their families, their What traits do you like? Equally as important, what things do you dislike, not church or from society. In addition, respect or find you cannot enjoy? What are the impressions of your trusted a lif'etime of oppression for being friends about this person? Don't abandon this project because you feel some internal resistance to it. Lasting love can grow only out of such realism. gay causes some to experience low self-esteem and poor self-image. All Question: Mctny gay men badly want a lover, but despite repeatecl these stresses may erode interactions attempts, they can't seem to make a special relationship work for long. Why do gay relationships so often meet with early death? between partners. Answer: Many gay relationships do last, often fbr a lifetime. Those A good relationship between couples who endure ofien maintain a low profile, even in relation to the gay community. Because we seldom see or hear from them, we mistakenly two men or two women is possible, assume they do not exist. but it takes dedication and hard work. Even so, guarantees that relationships will last cannot be found, for people are changeable with the passing of time, often in unpredictable ways. The first questiott in this col- umn yyes reprinted .from the May, 1985 SDA Kinship Connection, the second from the April, 1985 issue. Both questions were submitted to J. Vicki SheLton during her tenure as editor. Conruction. December 1996 20tft. Anniaers ary /ear

Kinship Operoting Account Stotement Fund Nome Beginning lncome Exoense Tronsfers Ending q10.27 (690.39) 0.00 1130196 Generol Fund r r/01/96 ) 1 ,784.t 4 Progrom Funds 0.)7 Connection Kompmeeting 96 r,802 0 r 437.W (206 6r ) 000 2,032.40 K'mtg 96 Scholorships 12,12207) 000 000 12,t22071 000 0.00 Proiect Funds 259.70 0.00 259.70 Adveriising: Generol 000 Advertising: Women's Clergy Pocket 96 189.37 000 000 000 189.37 Krd's Stuff 26.7A 000 Member Wellness 000 0.00 000 26.74 Womyn's Newsletter 142185) 000 40.00 2r5.00 000 000 {42rBs) Regionol Funds 000 000 0l-Norih Atlontic 3,713.67 000 000 40.00 02-Mtd Atlontic r,093.45 000 O3-South Ailoniic 000 3,928.67 O4-Greot Lokes O5-Greot Ploins 0.00 r,093.45 06-Rocky Mountoin 0Z-Pocific Northwest 145.72 000 000 000 145.72 08-Cenirol Pocific O9-Souihwest US 72.2q 000 000 000 72.29 l0-Conodo 197.50 Totols 000 OOO 000 197.50 s000 000 0.00 000 s000 230.97 163.87 000 000 000 230.97 1287.61) 000 000 000 tb3.B7 398.53 791.@ 000 000 000 QB7 6| 30s00 000 {46.88) 000 35 r.65 $t8,2t3 t5 230.00 (2 r0.s3) 000 8il.07 (33s00) orn 75m 15 r)(') $1,86727 t$1,48941) $0.00 $]85ET0l Kinship Endowment Account Stotement Restricted lnvestmenls Beginning Tronsfers / Ending Disbursed r r/30/96 Adiustments Asset Allocoiion r r/0r/96 Deposits Bonk Americo Sovings Fidelity Brokeroge 476.55 000 000 000 476.55 Time Deposits 000 17,731.44 U.S. Treosury Bills o.24 47.25 r,682.00 000 2,934.04 U.S. Treosury Noies 2,926.83 000 lotol 9,47730 7.2) 000 000 9,47730 4,99r.50 000 4,991.50 000 $0.00 $rJ,uoe.3,/ 000 0.00 $35.610.83 $54.46 $ t,68/.00 \"The leading cause of atheism today are Christians who spout, 'God is love' in church and then go out the door and act as ifexactly the opposite were true.\" from a KinNet post. 20tfi. Anniuersary year Decembor 1996. Conruction l5

Gay Marriage Rites Found Efitors Corrrcr Dr. John Boswell, author of Christianity, Social Tol- I frequently hear from new gay members of Kinship, erance and Homosexuality, and professor of history at especially perhaps students, that they don't see any role Yale University, announced recently in West Hollywood models in the gay community, and want to know if gay that he is doing extensive research on an ancient Chds- relationships can really work. The answer of course is tian rite used for lesbian and gay male couples and intends yes, but it isn't always obvious at a glance. There seem to be a number of reasons for this. First to publish a definitive text and English translation. Following a lead given to him after the 1980 publi- of all, when one first comes out, at least for guys (I can't speak for the women) there is a definite tendency to start cation of his groundbreaking book, Boswell has now out in the bar scene. Why the bar scene? Because it is discovered more than 50 extant manuscripts of gaylles- the place where gays are often the most visible. Its also bian marriage rites, many of them bound in ancient anonymous, so one can just sort of drift in and out thb liturgical manuals that also contain the best examples of first few times just to check things (and people) out. the Mass. Examples of the marriage rite fall into three families: a full Eucharistic liturgy in which the couple to The bar scene only represents a portion of the gay community, and perhaps a small portion at that. The bar be joined stand together before the altar and hold crowns scene does not seem to be a place where long term gay above one'another's heads; a simpler intermediate form couples are apparent. College age kids usually hang out similar to a heterosexual marriage without the Eucharist; and a very brief form consisting of only a few prayers, with their peers, those who are the same age. If it's long the usage of which is still unclear. term couples you are looking for,20 year old peers is hardly the place to look. Between peers and bars, there is Boswell's research has found that the gayllesbian little opportunity to see gay couples, let alone those who rite of union was not an obscure or illicit liturgical act, but was in very wide use, perhaps as early as the middle might serve as role models. of the fifth century, and as late as the 13th century. It apparently was in use from as far west as Paris and as far So where are the gay couples? Where can a new gay east as Jerusalem. Although some evidence indicates its kid find some? Kinship has them in abundance at Kamp- continued use as late as 1940 in one place in Europe. it is meeting, though they may not be so obvious at local/ certain that what had been an accepted rite to unite two regional meetings. For those new to Kinship don't get men or two women-which antedated the development discouraged if you don't come across them immediately. The longer you stay with the organization the more gay of any heterosexual Christian marriage rite by several couples you will meet. It especially takes time to meet the people that only come to meetings occasionally. Gay centuries-was eventually proscribed for gays and lesbi- couples are also involved in gay organizations such as AIDS organizations, gay outdoor groups, gay choruses, ans and dropped from late medieval manuscripts. etc. These are also good places to meet the gay folk who In its fullest form, the rite is called \"The Making of do not frequent the bar scene. If it's long term relation- Brothers,\" and the text is filled with many prayers in ships you are after, it's older folks (at least to someone who is 20!) that fill the bill. Gay couples often do social/ which the couple being joined dedicate their relationship cultural things together. Check out the symphony or ballet. You'll see them there. Young people sometimes with the language of \"unashamed faithfulness\" and \"hon- tend to avoid older folks. If you do this, don't complain if you have no role models. est love.\" The rite makes clear that they are joining together for the sake of love-not for reasons of biology In this issue of the CONNECTION we have re- or property or other cause. printed an article about four couples that was published nearly 10 years ago. And you know what? Every single The rite also refers repeatedly to soldiers and lovers, one of these Kinship couples are still together today, and all are still involved with Kinship. That's 1007o folks. St. Serge and St. Bacchus, two fourth century Christian Although Kinship isn't a particularly large organization, martyrs, whose passionate relationship has not been con- cealed in many standard works on the lives of saints. there are many couples who have been together for many Boswell, a devout Roman Catholic, did not specu- years. late about the impact his research may have on the Why then, if Kinship has so many couples who contemporary church scene. might serve as role models for our young people, are the The above article appeared in the SDA Kinship Connection of May, 1985, where it was reprinted from new members asking if there are indeed any long term couples? The immediate answer is that some of these The Concord, newsletter of Lutherans Concerned/North See t'Editor\", page 13 America. . The reseqrch was recently published in the book Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe. by John Boswell, Villard Books (Random House), New York, 1994. John Boswell died on December 23, 1994 of AIDS. He taught history at Yale University. l6 Coruuction. December 1996 20tfr. Annioers ary r[ear