Coaching book

Coaching for Self Awareness about Attitude and Mindset A practitioner's guide to using the mental toughness framework to enhance your coaching practice EDITED BY: DOUG STRYCHARCZYK AND DARREN WHYSALL

Copyright © 2023 AQR International All rights reserved. ISBN: 9798373917322

\"Reality is created by the mind. We can change our reality by changing our mind.\" - Plato

COACHING FOR SELF AWARENESS ABOUT ATTITUDE AND MINDSET. iv

CONTENTS Acknowledgments vii Introduction 1 1 Mental toughness and its central role in coaching and 4 mentoring 2 Preparing the coach and the coachee for the discussion 20 3 Mental toughness coaching – the 4Cs 43 ▪ Control 44 ▪ Commitment 56 ▪ Challenge 67 ▪ Confidence 78 4 Tools and techniques that are useful in coaching to develop 89 better response to the eight factors ▪ Psychological Safety 89 ▪ The GROW Model 90 ▪ The Pomodoro Technique 92 ▪ The Circle of Influence 94 ▪ Visualisation 96 ▪ Reflective Practice 97 ▪ The Drama Triangle 99 ▪ David Emerald’s Empowerment Triangle 100 ▪ Self-talk 101 ▪ Coaching supervision and understanding my own mental toughness 102 5 When mental toughness can be a disadvantage and when the mentally sensitive can thrive 104 6 Coaching the outliers – How to approach unusual cases 120 when working with the MTQ 7 Coaching mental toughness with a systemic mindset 143 8 Summary and look forward 166 Bibliography 167 About the Authors 170

COACHING FOR SELF AWARENESS ABOUT ATTITUDE AND MINDSET. vi

COACHING FOR SELF AWARENESS ABOUT ATTITUDE AND MINDSET. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS In producing this text, we wish to thank the contributing authors who provided their time, ideas and their experiences of using the Mental Toughness concept and measure as well as d giving their time to this project. We especially thank Darren Whysall for giving his time and his considerable expertise to an always challenging task, co- ordinating and editing the contributions from our authors who adopt different styles and who also live in different parts of the world. We also thank Dr John Perry and Professor Peter Clough. Both are recognised as leading authorities in the world of people and organisation development. Special thanks go to Monika Czwerenko and Claudine Rowlands of AQR International who have provided all the backroom support for this project, including adding their creativity and their experience relating to their use of this most important concept. vii



INTRODUCTION WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS BOOK? The mental toughness concept is one of the most important advances in people and organisational development today. Although long understood to be important, it is largely invisible, sitting within the mind of individuals. It is only now that we are beginning to understand exactly what it is and what are its components. Together with the MTQPlus measure it provides coaches and mentors of all types with a remarkable capability to develop those people and organisations. As a comparatively new understanding of a concept, it is always the case that practitioners seek support, guidance and insights on how to apply the concept in their work. This book seeks to address this for those engaged in coaching and mentoring activities. It also seeks to address advancements in the way organisations are operating in the 21st Century. As we moved from the “command and control” era of the 20th Century, we now see a great emphasis on engagement, on delegation, on empowerment and on collaboration. This in turn means that the relationships and interactions between leaders and their teammates are changing. The mental toughness concept provides a lens through which 1

we can firstly understand what is changing and, just as importantly, become self-aware about what that means for the way we respond mentally and behaviourally. This provides a useful tool for coaches to use that facilitates the development of their client’s self-awareness, leading to enhanced learning and growth. The book has been created by harnessing the experience and expertise of a range of authors who between them have applied the concept in a range of setting around the world. Their application of the Mental Toughness construct in their coaching practice has supported thousands of individuals. Through each chapter, the authors share their experiences, reflections, ideas and solutions and highlight some of the obstacles which can arise in coaching practice. One consequence is that each chapter will reflect the style and approach of the contributing author. However, readers should also be able to be comfortable with the general flow of the book. This collective wisdom will advance your understanding of how to apply the Mental Toughness construct in your coaching and mentoring practice. Details of the Authors’ bios are located at the back of the book. 2

CONTEXT The purpose of this book (and others in the series) is to equip coaching practitioners with a comprehensive and practical overview of the 4Cs Mental Toughness concept and the MTQPlus to apply it with confidence in what they do. In this case sharing knowledge, approaches, tools and techniques to: ▪ Understand and prepare for the challenges inherent in people development and the coaching process. ▪ Apply themselves effectively to that role, being the best, they can be for their client. All the authors wish the reader every success and are happy to be contacted if there is desire to know more. 3

1 MENTAL TOUGHNESS AND ITS CENTRAL ROLE IN COACHING AND MENTORING Why might mental toughness be important in coaching and mentoring activity? “Know thyself, Love thyself, Understand thyself” St Augustine of Hippo Doug Strycharczyk Coaching is a highly personalised individual developmental approach which enables people to develop self-awareness and insight about factors that result in them either: ▪ not doing or achieving something which they could reasonably be expected to achieve, and which is perhaps being achieved by others with similar abilities and backgrounds, or… ▪ being able to perform reasonably well and acknowledging there is benefit in somehow doing it better. Both are important. Coaching isn’t about putting something right. It is essentially about helping others to be the best version of themselves so that they can: ▪ achieve what is needed to succeed and to thrive, ▪ enjoy good mental health – achieving what is needed in a challenging, uncertain and often volatile world and doing so without detriment to their mental health and wellbeing, ▪ be agile – responding positively to change, the nature of change and to the pace of change, and… ▪ aspire - seeing the world they inhabit as one where the 4

opportunity for self-actualisation exists. The coach facilitates and guides and is careful not to direct the individual. The individual reflects on the factors that influence his/her life and decides: ▪ what is important for them to address, if anything, ▪ what their priorities are, ▪ what difference they seek and why, ▪ what resources they will devote to achieving this change. In contrast, a mentor is involved with the individual in a slightly different way. They will often, by virtue of seniority and experience, be able to offer insights, thoughts and ideas from which the individual can learn. Mentoring can appear to be more influential and even more directive, but best practice still starts with the individual. The same degree of self-awareness on the part of the individual is still important. Mentoring works best when it meets the needs of the mentee. It isn’t a mechanism by which the mentor shapes an individual according to their belief about what is good for the mentee. While both approaches have the same end goal and they can include the adoption of the same or similar tools and techniques, they follow different paths. In this chapter we will focus on the role of the coach. The first topic to address is “how we are helping to develop self-awareness\". But self-awareness about ‘what’? Most often the debate is about three aspects: ▪ behaviour – how do I act in different circumstances? 5

▪ feelings – how do I respond emotionally when events occur? ▪ thoughts – what are my mental responses when something happens to me or around me? Development often focuses on the first two. They are important, and they are also easier to address. We can observe behaviour, in others and ourselves, and can describe it accurately. We can also categorise and describe emotions readily. It is much more difficult to observe and describe why we adopted a particular mental approach when something happened. It’s to some extent, “invisible”. It’s in our minds and we can’t see that. It is not uncommon to use the language of behaviour and emotion. That helps us understand what happened. It doesn’t always help us to understand why we respond the way we do. The way we think has a significant and profound effect on how we act and how we feel. It introduces the opportunity to address the “why” question. Why did we act the way we did and why did we respond emotionally the way we did? Addressing the why question is at the heart of self-awareness. Understand that and we have the potential to help the individual understand why they are struggling or, perhaps, succeeding but not as well as they would like. This is what the mental toughness concept brings to all developmental activity, including coaching and mentoring. 6

So …What is mental toughness? Mental toughness is an important concept. It has long been known to be important. 2,500 years ago, Plato described it as one of the 4 cardinal virtues. He used the term Fortitude which has been defined as “the inner strength to keep going for some higher end when everything seems very hard”. As adults, we value this in ourselves and in the people around us. Mental toughness is now the widely accepted term for this notion. It is not describing toughness in a “macho” or aggressive sense. It is embracing the twin elements of resilience and positivity. Other broadly equivalent terms often used to describe something similar include mindset, resilience, character and even grit and tenacity. Attitude is a commonly used expression. In 2002, Professor Peter Clough proposed what is now called the 4Cs model of Mental Toughness which began to create an understanding of the concept and, importantly, allowed people to use it for development. Since then, collaboration between researchers and practitioners has enabled a deeper understanding through identifying 8 factors that contribute to one's overall mental toughness. Coaches have been important contributors to this development. This is extremely useful in understanding how individuals (and groups) respond mentally to what happens to us and around us. We now know this is a fundamentally important aspect of our personality. 7

In turn, this helps us to better understand why we act the way we do in response to events. In other words, why we behave and why we feel the way we do – the other important aspects of our personality. There is now considerable independent academic evidence to support this concept together with an increasing body of case studies and projects which support the idea that this is a key concept in the development of people of all ages. It is important to understand that the mental toughness concept is a continuum with mental toughness at one end and mental sensitivity at the other end. We all sit at different points on this continuum. These are not labels in the sense they indicate good or bad, strength or weakness. It is the case that, all things being equal, possessing a degree of Mental Toughness conveys an advantage in many settings. It is also the case that, with development, the mentally sensitive can prosper and in the absence of development, the mentally tough can struggle. This can be a very important dimension in coaching and mentoring. Nurturing this aspect of our personality can benefit everyone. What do we know about mental toughness? In 2002, Professor Peter Clough found that it has 4 elements, called constructs – Control, Commitment, Challenge and Confidence. Further research has shown that each construct consists of two factors. In effect this has enabled users to understand the concept art at a greater level of detail. This granularity brings the 8

capability to understand nuances – the similarities and the differences between individuals. A description for each factor is given shortly. The eight factors are often represented as segments of a pizza: Fig. 1: The 4Cs Mental Toughness Model Good coaching practice explores individual differences. The first construct, Control, describes the extent to which we 9

believe we have sufficient control of ourselves, our lives and our circumstances to achieve what is important to us. Some have that inner sense of “can do” – others don’t. Two people may be identical in abilities, and skills but, when asked to do something, one will hesitate before acting and may never act, while the other will leap forward and “give it a go”. The difference is entirely in the mind. One of the factors in this construct is Life Control. This describes the sense of self-worth – the extent to which a person believes in themselves and sees themselves as someone who can generally do what is needed. They see themselves as worthwhile individuals. They are often described as having a “can do” attitude. Where there is a low level of Life Control, the individual will instinctively look for reasons why they can’t do what is asked of them. Although these may seem trivial to others, they can become valid (in their eyes) reasons for not even trying. The second factor is Emotional Control. In one sense, we can’t always control emotions. If we are unhappy, we are sad. If we are upset, we feel wretched. However, it is not always helpful to reveal our emotions to others. Maintaining a degree of poise or apparent indifference helps us to deal with things like provocation, bullying and even accidental setbacks. Again, some can deal more effectively with their emotions than others. The second element, Commitment, describes the extent to which we understand what it is we need to do and are mentally prepared to make the effort to do it. It is closely related to the behaviour known as conscientiousness. Again, this element has two factors. 10

The first is Goal Orientation. This describes the extent to which an individual can visualise what is important for them and can picture what success might look like. From this, they can derive goals. It should be a source of motivation for most. Some can think in terms of goals and visualise the desired outcome that matters for them. Others can’t and in some cases won't. For some, it could be having a nice house, a satisfying job and/or a contented family life. The second is Achievement Orientation. This describes the mental approach towards making the effort to achieve those goals. Some will have that internal motivation, understanding what achievement looks and feels like and wanting that sufficiently to commit to making the effort. Even if it is not the kind of effort that the individual otherwise wants to do. It is about attaining a sense of satisfaction that, despite everything, you made the effort and got a result. Some will simply find the idea of effort disagreeable in some way and won't commit to making that effort. The elements of Control and Commitment broadly equate to what is described as Resilience. They help us to recover from and manage adversity. Resilience helps us to survive when things become difficult. The next two elements introduce positivity into the picture. Challenge is the third element. This describes how we react mentally to dealing with challenges, new experiences, opportunities and unforeseen events (including crises) as well as how we respond to the experience. That is, do we learn from all that we experience. 11

Essentially, it explains why some will see an opportunity in a situation when another will tend to see a threat in the same situation. It is particularly significant in the 21st century. We are often told we now live in a VUCA world – where volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity are the norm. The reality is that we have always lived in a VUCA world. It is the speed at which this is changing that is the big challenge in today’s world. And the pace of change which is accelerating. As one observer put it “The pace of change today has never been greater. The bad news is that it will never be as slow as this again”. Change exposes everyone to ‘Challenge’. There are two factors which are important here. Risk Orientation is the first. This describes the extent to which we are open to trying something new or different and which, perhaps, carries a degree of risk. Some will prefer to avoid any form of change or having to deal with any form of the unfamiliar. Others may be excited to see what a new situation or experience will bring. Note: that it is possible to be confident in one’s abilities and still avoid new situations where these abilities are useful. The second factor is Learning Orientation. Sometimes described as the “beating heart” of the 4Cs Mental Toughness concept, this describes the extent to which one reflects on all that happens to them, and around them... and learns valuable lessons from that. Given that life is one continuous learning journey this is an important quality. Some will extract learning from all their experiences which helps to build their mental toughness across all factors. This is especially true of setbacks and failures. Others may not do this and can see some experiences as best ignored or forgotten. 12

This openness to learning can embrace a willingness to see learning as a useful way of making progress and improving oneself. This of course is describing the nurture element of the nature (genetic) and nurture explanations for the development of our personality. Challenge begins to explain why some are optimistic about life. The fourth element, Confidence, adds to that explanation. This describes self-belief in our talent to be able to deal with whatever occurs and to take difficulty and opportunity in our stride. Two factors contribute to this element. One factor is Confidence in Abilities. This describes the extent to which the individual has self-belief in their abilities. Some will have skills, knowledge, etc, and will know this and that they can use these. Others can have excellent abilities but will still doubt that they possess them, in which case they may avoid using them and may underperform or worry about them. Often seen in examination or test settings, perfectly able people hesitate to offer an answer because they are not certain that they truly have that grasp of a subject when, in fact, they do. In competitive settings, able individuals can underperform because they believe, incorrectly, that others are more able than them. The final factor is Interpersonal Confidence. Some will readily engage with others, believing that they can influence others as much as others do them. They see the positives in connecting readily with other people. Their behaviour can be described as outgoing or gregarious. 13

On the other hand, some will avoid social interaction, lacking the confidence to engage with others and finding it difficult to be noticed. They will often be described as shy or reserved. Each of these factors is explore in greater detail in the four chapters dedicated to each of the 4Cs later in this book. There are some things important to bear in mind here which apply to all the elements and factors. In the first place, the concept, its elements and factors have so far been described as if they are stand-alone factors. Each contributes to this important aspect of personality in its own way. However, although these are independent to a large extent, they can also combine to produce another valuable and important level of understanding. For instance, if we look at Commitment, we can see several combinations. It is possible to have a higher level of Goal Orientation and a low level of Achievement Orientation. This could mean that the individual knows what needs to be done and wants to do it but cannot muster the effort to do it. This can have several consequences. On the other hand, it is possible to have a lower level of Goal Orientation and a higher level of Achievement Orientation. This could now mean that the individual does not have a view of what they need to achieve and why, when presented with goals from elsewhere, they may gain a lot of satisfaction from doing what is required and completing tasks. This kind of analysis is applied to all 4 elements. It applies equally to combining factors between the 4 elements. This includes combining three or more factors which can result in new insights. 14

An individual who has a high level of Life Control, but a low level of Risk Orientation will be different to an individual with a low level of Life Control and a high level of Risk Orientation. The former will have a sense of “can do” but will prefer to operate in familiar surroundings. The latter will be curious and interested in exploring new settings and situations but may lack the sense of self-worth to go there. We can summarise this in a form of the “pizza” image shown earlier. It is easier to consider the connections between factors. Mental Toughness and my development 15

Fig. 2: Mental Toughness and my development Secondly, when looking at individuals we need to look past the two terms mental toughness and mental sensitivity. It is rarely the case that an individual is wholly mentally tough or mentally sensitive. 16

Even a person, more generally mentally tough will often have several aspects (factors) which are more mentally sensitive than most. It is understanding those nuances, and what they mean for the individual, that matters. This is one of the most important contributions a good coach can make. The same is true for those that might, overall, be more mentally sensitive. It is equally likely that many will have aspects (factors) that are more mentally tough than most. Good coaches will stress the “normality” of this. To the individual “you are who you are. The challenge is, in the first place to be the best version of you that you can be and, if it is advantageous, to identify and plan to develop beyond this.” We know that it is possible to learn how to be more mentally tough or to learn how to cope effectively with areas of mental sensitivity. Most of this is learned through experiential learning as we go through life. As with any form of learning, the better the guidance, the better the learning. Coaches and mentors have a key role here in supporting individuals to learn from their own experiences. In general, most people learn or have sufficient mental toughness to deal with most setbacks, challenges and opportunities. They may not deal with all, but they have enough to survive and will sometimes thrive. Some, who are more mentally tough, can find they breeze through life. A small number are described as mentally sensitive. They are more likely to feel every bump on the road through life and can struggle to cope with these. The reassuring news is that the mentally sensitive can lead a fulfilling life – but this requires self-awareness, insight and an ability to reflect, learn and take action. Interestingly, this applies equally to the mentally tough. 17

An effective coach achieves this with their clients. They seek out and adopt useful concepts and models and invest in their development to apply these. Especially so, for handling feedback and development discussions. Thirdly, in a similar vein, although it is generally advantageous to be more mentally tough, it is also true that there are potential downsides to being mentally tough on each factor and there can be potential upsides to mental sensitivity on each of the factors. In this instance, it is almost entirely down to lacking self-awareness and insight. This is explored more fully in the rest of the book. Illustrating this point with one example from one factor, it is possible to be mentally tough in Life Control. That is, to have a strong sense of “can do”. That belief might lead some to think they can “do it all” when, in fact, they can’t. This can lead to over commitment with all that it can entail. Similarly, a low level of Achievement Orientation might mean that they won’t make the effort. It can also mean that they are less likely to “burn out” if they see the task is too demanding and not just for them. Although they too can “burn out” for a different reason. They can use such a lot of emotional and mental energy in worrying about a task that they have insufficient “left in the tank” when it comes to addressing the task. What about the Coach? If, “how we think” - our mental toughness - impacts on our behaviour, our feelings and the way we interact with others, this applies to the coach and mentor too. Their mental approach to their client and the client’s issues will have an influence on what they do and how effectively they do it. Self-awareness and insight starts with the coach/mentor. 18

Subsequent chapters look at the application of the concept in a coaching setting, illustrating how different levels of mental toughness can explain different outcomes and how this can indicate solutions. These are supported with case studies and exercises. For a fuller and more in-depth explanation of the 4Cs Mental Toughness concept and the related measures, refer to our related book, “Developing Mental Toughness” (Kogan Page, 3rd Edition 2021) Strycharczyk, Clough and Perry. 19

2 PREPARING THE COACH AND THE COACHEE FOR THE DISCUSSION “If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favourable.” Seneca Zoltán Csigás Introduction There is a wide agreement in the professional literature for coaching and mentoring, that achieving results, or to create unexpected, transformative “aha!” moments, requires both coach and coachee to be focused and present in the conversation. “Present” does not just mean physical presence. It means focused attention, from the coach’s perspective it means conscious management of the coachee’s internal processes and dealing with distracting stimuli. From the coachee/client’s perspective, it means attention and curiosity regarding their internal processes and focus on their interaction with the coach. Although this idea of presence is observable through certain behaviours, behind these behaviours there is a mindset, a mental approach to the exercise, that needs to be adopted. In other words, a wish to be present in the conversation together with a wish to engage with the process. In this chapter we explore the relationship between mental toughness and this mindset, and how the 4Cs Mental Toughness model can inform the practices of assuming and maintaining this mindset. 20

So how can the coach and the coachee get into this presence, and what does this have to do with mental toughness? Preparing for a session: a coach’s perspective A core tenet of this coaching mindset is the belief in both the client and the process of coaching: a coach assumes the client has the capacity to improve the situation through her/her own solutions and capabilities. The client is, in most cases, a willing participant. This belief underpins the behaviour of a coach and in a sense differentiates a coach from members of other helping professions. Coaches strive to facilitate exploration, provoke and create new insights within their clients and to enable and support the transformation of these insights into actions. They do not set a diagnosis based on their initial assessments like therapists. They do not give direct advice or expect their client to follow it as would counsellors or mentors. For example: We now show the parallels between the coaching mindset and the 4Cs Mental Toughness model. To do so we can compare the observable behaviours associated with mental toughness (or sensitivity), as described by the 4Cs model with the behavioural indicators of the European Mentoring and Coaching Council’s (EMCC) competency model to showcase the similarities. The EMCC competency system has been developed to describe the behaviours and operations of a coach at different seniority levels. This competency system is research based and is used as a 21

foundation for the accreditation and quality-related work of EMCC. It is widely recognised as one of the most effective descriptors of a coach’s role. 4Cs model - Related EMCC competency indicators Factors for a coach Control Recognises boundaries of own Life Control competence and advises the need to refer to and possibly conclude a coaching Emotional Control contract. (Managing the contract) Responds with empathy to a client’s emotions without becoming personally involved. (Understanding self). Commitment Attends to and works flexibly with the Goal Orientation client’s emotions, moods, language, patterns, beliefs and physical expression Achievement (Building the relationship). Orientation Establishes an ethically based mentoring/coaching contract in ambiguous and / or conflicted circumstances with the client (Managing the contract) Describes and applies a range of methods for building commitment to outcomes, goals and actions (Outcome and action orientation) Challenge Ensures client is taking responsibility for Risk Orientation their own decisions, actions and learning approach (Outcome and action orientation) Uses language to help the client reframe or challenge their current thinking and/or understanding (Enabling insight and 22

Learning learning) Orientation Builds further self-understanding based on a range of theoretical models and structured input from external sources with rigorous reflection on experience and practice. (Understanding self) Continuously reviews, reflects on and updates personal beliefs, attitudes and skills to improve their mentoring/ coaching (Commitment to self-development) Proactively identifies gaps in skills, knowledge and attitudes and uses a structured process to meet learning needs. (Commitment to self-development) Confidence Confidence in Recognises the boundaries of their own Abilities competence and advises the need to refer on and possibly conclude the coaching contract (Managing the contract) Interpersonal Demonstrates a high level of attentiveness Confidence and responsiveness to the client in the moment while mindful of the client’s work towards outcomes (Building the relationship) Table 1 – 4Cs model and EMCC competency indicators The table illustrates some selected parallels between the 8 factors of the 4Cs model and the EMCC competency system. The competency statements are drawn from the “practitioner” and “senior practitioner” level indicators of the system. It is perhaps not a surprise that Learning Orientation is the mental toughness factor that is significantly associated with coaching. It addresses the heart of coaching. Without going into a deeper comparison of the two models, we can see what is expected from Senior Practitioner Coaches 23

and Mentors is to demonstrate a mental approach to coaching that is well aligned to the patterns associated with reasonable or high levels of mental toughness. Returning to the definition of mental toughness for a moment: “A personality trait which determines, in some part, how individuals respond mentally when exposed to stressors, pressure, and challenge…irrespective of the prevailing situation.” (Clough & Strycharczyk, 2011). In general, mentally tough people handle stressors, pressures, and challenges more comfortably than do mentally sensitive people. In general, this is achieved through controlling their actions and emotions, by setting goals and committing to them, taking actions that reflect their confidence, and aiming at outcomes that involve openness to exploring new and unfamiliar solutions with associated rewards of growth and learning. How do coaches support their clients? Coaches form powerful partnerships with their clients and support them by co-creating shared goals, helping them become more self-aware through asking questions, listening, and providing feedback. This is so that their clients are better able to identify things such as emotional drivers, limitations and strategies to manage their own emotions, behaviours and can be more intentional in achieving their desired outcomes and personal growth. Coaches also support their clients, through being aware of their own emotional drivers, limitations and how they are maintaining the boundaries of the coaching relationship. The parallel seems clear. Without research to underpin it, we could also assume a 24

causal relationship: mental toughness is a prerequisite for maintaining the coach’s mindset and presence. There is an important caveat here: the mentally tough can struggle and the mentally sensitive can do a perfectly good job. It’s all down to self-awareness on the part of the coach about their levels of mental toughness and mental sensitivity – and many will have elements of both. Being on the extremes of the mental toughness spectrum could, without self-awareness on the part of the coach, impair the coaching relationship. For example, a mentally tough coach might struggle to reach real connection with a client. If the client thinks radically differently from the coach (perhaps on one or more factors), then they might find that they can’t understand and appreciate the client’s approach. In contrast, a mentally sensitive coach may respond to the emotions of others sympathetically but might find themselves unable to maintain an appropriate level of detachment from their clients. Of course, it isn't as black and white as this. As ever, self- awareness, reflection and taking relevant action are key here. A mentally tough coach can recognise that they don’t sense another's position, but they can still understand it and approach it in a compassionate way. On the other hand, a mentally sensitive coach can often bring a more sympathetic caring approach to their work. 1. How can a coach prepare for a coaching conversation? So, it seems that there is a connection between the coaching mindset and the concept of mental toughness. How can a coach use this to inform her practice? 25

Some coaches need to prepare carefully for their conversations with clients. Some coaches thrive in the spontaneity of the moment with their clients being able to respond quickly and effectively with what emerges in the conversation. The following ideas seem to help many coaches but may not be suitable for everyone. If you are a “preparing type”, then consider these techniques as a toolkit and experiment with them. Use as many of them as you prefer. There is no need to apply all of them at once. 2. Self-reflection They say that mental toughness is optimised through self- awareness and reflection. When a person is aware of their own mental toughness profile with its potential advantages and disadvantages for the situations they face, they can better understand how to handle the stresses and challenges of the task. With self-awareness, they have the potential to get the best results in challenging situations. Given this, preparing for a coaching conversation may involve reflecting on one’s current mindset, a “refresher” of the coach’s own understanding of their mental toughness and how it contributes to success in the upcoming conversation. Usefully, in many cases the coach will have an insight into the client’s mental toughness profile because they will, at some stage have asked the client to complete the mental toughness questionnaire. They could anticipate where coaching challenges and issues might arise. How could this be achieved? What questions would they ask 26

of themselves by reference to the mental toughness framework? 4Cs Model Coach’s reflective questions CONTROL ▪ What does my coaching contract Life Control stipulate? ▪ Where are my boundaries – how could the client’s contract impact this? ▪ How can I maintain my independence? ▪ Where is the limit of my contribution to the success of the process? ▪ What is – or will be – outside of my own control? ▪ How will I respond to the client’s sense of self-worth? ▪ How well will I be able to understand the client’s perspective? Emotional Control ▪ What are my current emotions with the regard to the client and COMMITMENT their situation? Goal Orientation ▪ What is my emotional state? ▪ How might this be related to the upcoming session? ▪ What can I do to regain my positive or neutral emotional stance if needed? ▪ Am I expecting certain emotions or reactions from my next client? ▪ Do I have a challenge with any of those? ▪ What is the purpose of the exercise – for the client, for me? 27

Achievement ▪ Are they aligned? Orientation ▪ Why does the client wish to do CHALLENGE this? Risk Orientation ▪ Is there an overall goal we are Learning Orientation working towards? ▪ Do I have a goal e.g., a learning goal? ▪ How can I ensure that my goals stay clear and non-interfering? ▪ Do I have the energy and the commitment for the conversation? ▪ What is it about the client or the issue that might affect my commitment to the client? ▪ What can I do to optimise my level of energy? ▪ What is my challenge with this client? (Is there a challenge at all?) ▪ How will I act upon this challenge in the conversation? ▪ How will this stretch me … and how will it stretch me? ▪ Am I open to doing this? ▪ Is there anything that is making me fearful of success? ▪ What have I learned from the previous conversation with the client or from similar clients in the past? ▪ What mistakes do I ned to avoid? ▪ What are my recent other learnings e.g., from supervision, 28

that I could incorporate into this upcoming session? CONFIDENCE ▪ What is my sense of self belief in Confidence in Abilities my abilities to manage this assignment right now? ▪ Am I “OK” with my coach identity and abilities. ▪ Which of my abilities and skills will help me to run this session? ▪ What abilities might I need to acquire? Interpersonal ▪ Do I have any communications Confidence challenges with the client e.g., confronting them? ▪ Am I comfortable asking all the questions I need to ask? ▪ What permission could I give to myself to overcome this challenge? Table 2 – 4Cs Model and coach’s reflective questions By reflecting on these questions, the coach can ground themselves in the present. This can also act as a warm-up exercise for the coaching sessions. Some closing thoughts: ▪ Use a selection of these questions to support reflection in preparation for the first session. You don’t need to use them all. ▪ If a number of these questions create discomfort, then 29

consider scheduling a supervision session! 3. Positive Thinking Engaging in self-reflection using the questions above may result in becoming aware of some challenges or dilemmas. Being conscious of our challenges is usually a good thing, as it offers the opportunity to handle them. What could follow self- reflection? When preparing for the coaching session the coach may use positive affirmations regarding her own work. For example, “I know I am competent enough to support my clients.” Or “I am comfortable with my own presence.” Or “I am confident in my abilities to manage this assignment.” These affirmations may come from the supervision of the coach. If the coach experiences negative thoughts, or anxiety they could try using a “coaching monologue” – practising positive self-talk before the session, giving voice to the internal critic, then responding to it with a positive self-message. Using positive thinking of course is good practice in preparing for a coaching session, even if there are no perceived challenges at any given moment. Developing positive rituals – like the touchstone triggering in the case of professional athletes – could be a good example of applied positive thinking. The question that any coach may ask of themselves are “What kind of routine helps me to feel positive?” “What is the physical item, or a memory, that could be my talisman for success?” My talisman is a mental picture. An old memory from an excursion. A beautiful sunset over some forest-covered hills. When I recall it, I feel the tranquillity of the moment. 30

For some time, I have used a movement as a conscious tool to banish disturbing thoughts. I adjust my spectacles with both of my hands then lean forward slightly. My thought is that this helps me to see things more clearly. 4. Visualisation Visualisation is a powerful mental tool that has been shown to boost motivation, confidence and can prepare you for success in all areas of your life. In the same ways that athletes incorporate visualisation into their training routines to help them prepare for an event, one can assume that imagining a great coaching session enhances the chances of having one. So, you may decide to imagine an upcoming session. Feel free to imagine the session as you wish. However as coaching sessions are co-created with the client, our advice is to put your own self into the centre, not your client. For example, you may imagine yourself sitting comfortably in your favourite chair and imagine how calm you feel and your general emotional state. What is your ideal state of mind in a coaching session? Is there curiosity, joy or just pure focus and concentration? Integrate these into your mental picture too. You can also usefully imagine yourself in some challenging moments, perhaps as you experiment with a new technique or you deal with a challenge to your approach, or you seek to navigate the flow of a potentially awkward conversation. However, once you know your client and you understand something of the challenges in dealing with that client, it is possible to visualise an anticipated session more closely with the 31

client. For instance, imagine what kind of issues the client might bring up, including dealing with awkward questions from the client and moments when they appear to be unresponsive. In your head, you can take as much time as you want to deal with them. Then, imagine options for how you might respond and guide the client. 5. Goal Setting Setting goals enhances performance by creating an attentional focal point. An expected outcome – a thought – serves as a reference point, in relation to which our current state can be evaluated. By assessing goal achievement, a coach can step out from the situation itself, and have a different focus for a section of the discussion. This could help in creating a distance from the content of the conversation or the unfolding process e.g., a disagreement or an emerging feeling that the coach struggles to handle constructively – and prevent the derailment of the conversation. What could be the drawback of using pre-set goals in such a manner? By stepping out from the conversation the coach could also break rapport which might disturb the coaching relationship for a while. For instance, this might create an increase of missing information or other inputs that could be useful later in the process. All major coaching professional bodies e.g., ICF and EMCC, suggest that a professional coach should maintain constant contact with the client. In this way they can learn a great deal about the client which can be both useful and important in helping the client to find their solution. 32

A good coach pays attention to detail in the interactions e.g., changes in tone of voice or body language, and creates a space for the client to express their thoughts and feelings without judgment. This enables them to explore and advance their understanding of contracted challenges and what might be useful solutions. The good coach also bears in mind that their own personal agenda or goal has the potential to jeopardise the success of the coaching process. Taking everything into account, it is recommended that coaches take a considered approach to setting goals when preparing for a coaching conversation. Depending on their seniority and relational skills they may set different goals for themselves. Coaches with lesser experience are likely to find both types of goals useful. Performance goals e.g., applying a tool as it was meant to be, creating a clear and challenging contract etc. as well as development goals e.g., keeping the ratio of open questions to directing at a manageable level, listening not just to facts but listening to thoughts, feelings and emotions. More experienced coaches, who have already mastered the basic skills in coaching could focus more on development goals e.g., directing attention to previously unexplored areas of the conversation as well as being crisper in communication. There is a wide spectrum of coaching approaches and styles and practitioners come in all shapes and sizes too. There is no single way to prescribe goals for all. An overall recommendation is to keep the client and their goals a priority over personal ones. 6. Relaxation – getting energised – maintaining a ‘full tank‘ 33

Finally: a coach should pay attention to how they show up in a coaching session. Clients respond favourably to those who look alert, look interested and enthusiastic and who position the client at the centre of attention. Attend to your physical needs and comfort before the session. We all have our ways to do this, and the important point is to make the effort to do so. Coaching is a potentially stressful activity. Creating an environment where this can be managed or minimised will always be useful. Some coaches take short breaks of 15-30 minutes between clients and do light physical exercises to relax their muscles and banish tensions. Others practice conscious breathing or quick guided relaxations or meditations. Some make a nice warm tea or a strong coffee and savour the tastes. Did you know that drinking a hot beverage can contribute to the feeling of safety? Finally, you should consider attending to your personal psychological needs as well. Recharge your psychological batteries. This advice could be an opening sentence for a whole book. To achieve this, you need to be conscious of these needs and develop strategies to meet them. You may reach out to different motivational theories (starting from the famous pyramid of Maslow, or the “strokes” concept of Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis or one of the available personality theories out there in the market). Usefully, the mental toughness concept provides an extremely valuable and relevant insight here. Research published in 2022 shows that the mentally tough and the mentally sensitive can both burn out but for different reasons and in different ways. 34

The mentally tough tend to burn out by working too hard and failing to recognise the warning signs of burnout. They simply keel over when it gets too much. The more mentally sensitive tend to think about and to worry about upcoming tasks and use a great deal of emotional and mental energy in doing this. Consequently, they can have “too little left in their tank” when it comes to carrying out the task. They can become listless and struggle. No motor runs without fuel, and mental energy is key for a coach. Using our self-awareness about our level of mental toughness and monitoring ourselves can be crucial in how we deal with stressful situations, and what strategies we apply to be able to do so. To function as a coach, we need energy and motivation. 7. Further thoughts on preparing for a session. Besides the ideas inspired by the 4Cs framework of Mental Toughness, coaches may consider the following practices as well: ▪ Reflect on your previous coaching sessions with your client. Examine the patterns of your sessions e.g., typical dynamics between you and your coachee and your personal patterns e.g., frequent dilemmas, frequent negative thoughts, etc. Craft your personalised preparation plan with all of these in mind. A good way to do so is to attend regular supervision. ▪ Attend to the environment for your upcoming session e.g., is it virtual or physical, do you have the resources needed to create a safe space that will support your client's learning and growth? Are you comfortable 35

dealing virtually where the ability to read the client may be limited. ▪ Review your client contract/agreement – research shows that many of the issues that occur on coaching are a related in some way to the contract/agreement. Preparing for a session: a coachee’s perspective. A lot of people still think that a coaching session could be a magical thing, where the coach does the magic, and the problems suddenly transform into solutions. That is not true of course. It is the coachee who has an issue and will craft the development step. It is the coachee’s resources on which this approach relies, and it is the coachee who has the highest stake in the change. It is the coachee who must work – or do at least half– during the coaching session. Preparing for a session should cover the following four areas: ▪ Energy: physical, mental and emotional energy and the motivation to participate ▪ Content: being conscious regarding the content the coachee wants to work on ▪ Mindset: bringing a positive and resilient approach to the session that embraces and supports change ▪ Process: bring skills that enable cooperation with the coach. Certain coaching approaches do explicitly rely on the power of stress. Others just acknowledge that stress is a part of the change process, and that the role of a coach should involve managing the level of challenge and stress during the session. We could again revisit the definition of mental toughness 36

here and argue that as a coaching session could be perceived as a stressful event, then the mental toughness of the coachee must be important in getting the most out of the situation. Looking again at the four areas identified above: 1. Energy This seems obvious, and we may refer to Maslow’s famous hierarchy of needs at this point. Without fulfilling the foundational needs – physiological in this case – a person may be less likely to find motivation and physical or mental capability to deal with the dilemmas of self-actualisation. As a coachee you must ensure that you have energy for the coaching session. Make the proper arrangements. If this means doing physical exercises or a “power nap” of 10 minutes, or a guided relaxation session, then do it! Be aware of your physical needs and your emotional needs and attend to them. 2. Content We can link this point to the “Goal Orientation” element of the 4Cs model. The traditional approach to coaching states that it is the coachee who is responsible for bringing the topic for the given session. A skilled coach can deal with a “no-goal” situation; Experience tells us that the coaching conversations sooner or later ends up with a goal or content direction. So, it is for coachee to reflect on the desired content of the coaching process. Questions to consider could be: ▪ What is the overall goal I am working towards to achieve with the support of the coach? 37

▪ What would success look like - something I stop doing/something I can now do? ▪ What is my purpose? Why am I doing this? Why is it so important? ▪ What do I expect as an outcome from the next coaching session? ▪ What is my goal for a given coaching session? When pondering on goals the coachee could use visualisation to imagine the outcome in detail, and/or goal-setting tools (like SMART, SMARTER, etc.) too. Any further self-discovery that is related to the goal – e.g., motivations to achieve it, previous attempts, etc. – would always be appreciated by all coaches. 3. Mindset What is the effective mindset for “being coached”? As coaching is a self-reflective process, discussion of the key elements for a coachee’s mindset may include the following: ▪ Being open to self-reflection, ▪ Being open to sharing and exploring, ▪ Being open to learning, ▪ Being open to change, ▪ Believing you can do it. These fit well with the model of mental toughness. Let’s look at the 4Cs model and the questions that the coachee may need to reflect on before the coaching session itself. 4Cs Model Coachee’s reflective questions CONTROL 38

Life Control ▪ Where are my boundaries in the coaching process? Emotional Control ▪ What do I want to bring to the COMMITMENT conversation? Will I bring enough? Goal Orientation Achievement ▪ What is under my control in the Orientation conversation? e.g., time, money, CHALLENGE content, I can say no. Risk Orientation ▪ What is under my control outside of the coaching process that may impact on success? e.g., resources, who owns the issue? ▪ How can I use the elements under my control to create the safety I need? ▪ How am I feeling about the upcoming conversation? ▪ Am I ready to share my feelings and emotions with the coach? ▪ Can I channel my emotions productively? ▪ What is the goal I am working towards? ▪ Does it enthuse me? ▪ What is my goal with the coaching process (and the coaching session)? ▪ Do I have the energy and commitment to work towards these goals? ▪ How am I going to gain more energy and motivation to do so? ▪ How will I prioritise and plan the tasks required to achieve my goals? ▪ Am I ready to stretch my boundaries and take risks in the process? ▪ Am I ready to explore new areas through self-reflection? ▪ Am I ready to accept new ideas? 39

▪ Am I ready to experiment with the results of the session outside of the coaching conversation? Learning ▪ How open am I to learning about Orientation myself? ▪ How open am I to accept the observations and feedback of the coach? ▪ What can I do to increase my openness? ▪ Am I willing to learn from failures as well as successes? CONFIDENCE Confidence in ▪ Do I believe I have the abilities Abilities required to achieve my goal? ▪ Do I possess the right knowledge to participate fully in this process? ▪ What ability or abilities do I have to develop myself to move forward? ▪ Do I understand what I have let myself in for? Interpersonal ▪ Can I be a partner with the coach? Confidence ▪ Am I comfortable about engaging with the coach? ▪ Am I ready to explore my thoughts, feelings, and behaviours with a comparative stranger? ▪ Am I ok to challenge the coach if needed? Table 3 – 4Cs Model and coachee’s reflective questions There is a significant body of research regarding the topic of client preparedness or psychological capital. These studies deal with the already existing internal resources and capabilities of the coachee, but they generally do not deal with the specific actions that clients take before the sessions. Studies have found relationships between the coaching 40